#willie is very ?????????? and she's like: yeah he needed a beard I needed a break from men and a gay husband seemed kind of nice

[innytoes]

OMG the generator game me Gilmore Girls and flower shop. This seems ripe for so many things. Taylor would be insufferable about regulations

So everyone knows that either Stars Hollow attracts weird people, or if you live there long enough you become Like That.

Taylor was a little apprehensive when he heard that the building next to Doose's market was bought by a bunch of former rock stars. Okay, so they only had the one album before the lead singer blew up at the record company for not letting him have creative control, their rhythm guitarist ran off with half their songs, and the other two went 'fuck it this isn't worth it anymore'.

(Lane breathlessly tells Rory all about this when she finds up three fourths of Sunset Curve is moving to Stars Hollow.)

They also bought a big house on the edge of town, with some land.

Nobody is exactly sure who lives where. Like, do the drummer and his cute skateboarding husband live in the house and the other two live above the flower shop? Do they all live in the big house? Is the apartment above the flower shop just storage? Are they growing something illegal up there?

(Taylor tries to get up there so many times will all kinds of HOA and town bylaw nonsense and they never let him. Luke Danes encourages this. And maybe trades tips with Alex about how to further annoy Taylor.)

In fact, they all live in the big house but also sometimes above the flower shop (it's Luke's Writing Den. The suspicious activity that Taylor thinks is Weed is really just Reggie trying to breed a new type of lily. They sometimes crash there after town festivals or when one of them needs some alone time.)

Reggie is the person who mostly runs the flower shop. He likes talking to people and he likes making bouquets, he took an online class!

Some old lady eventually takes pity on him and teaches him how to do it correctly. And tells him what thorn strippers are.

Alex does most of the gardening. He finds it relaxing. Sure, not all of their flowers and plants are home-grown but it keeps him busy. He also likes taking dance classes at Miss Patty's.

Luke actually has nothing to do with the flower shop except that he hangs out there a lot. But he also does that at the music store. And at Luke's. It's very confusing to everyone for a while. Some people have started to distinguish them as 'Beanie Luke' and 'Baseball cap Luke' or 'Coffee Luke' and 'Music Luke'. Or even Luke-Luke and Luke. (Luke Danes is of course Luke-Luke and he hates it.)

Luke tries to play for tips ones and nearly comes to blows with the town troubadour.

He really likes Hep Alien though and encourages them whenever he can.

Luke (Patterson) quickly rises to Gilmore levels of 'should not have coffee but will get it anyway because he doesn't take no for an answer'. Except where Lorelai and Rory usually plague the diner in the mornings, Luke comes just before close.

Alex and Willie would go so hard for the dance marathon. Reggie would beg Luke to be his partner and they'd drop out after like two hours because Luke never actually went to bed and has been up for 24 hours straight and Reggie got distracted because someone brought their dog.

Okay but you know that in between Max and Luke, Lorelai tried to date Reggie and Lane nearly exploded because YOU COULD HAVE A MEMBER OF SUNSET CURVE AS YOUR NEW STEPPARENT RORY and Rory was like: yeah no I'm pretty sure Grandma made him cry at Friday Night Dinner and he and Mom are better off as friends.

Reggie is Very Relieved when he and Lorelai break it off after like two weeks and Diner Luke stops glaring at him and will make him hot chocolates again.

Miss Patty and Babette have this bet going who will have the longest slowburn, Luke and Lorelai or Other Luke and Reggie.

Luke and Lorelai actually win and get together first and the only one who called it was Alex.

[brockadoodles]

The CN Tower and Chocolate Chip Pancakes - w. nylander

AN: I swear before whipping this out I was complaining about no writing motivation and how I was going to finish my Christmas wips when this like came to me. So here’s a quick little story about one of our favorite blondies for @puckinghell​ and all of you. There is mention of losing a parent, which is something I closely relate to from losing one of mine recently, if that’s a trigger, I wouldn’t read this. It’s not an angst piece at all, I just think that warning is necessary. This also may or may not be self indulgent and based on an actual experience I had two years ago with a boy in NYC, but like, you didn’t hear that from me. Anyways, I hope you enjoy. 

Word Count: 3,337 

Warnings: Mentions of death of a parent 

Christmas was usually your favorite time of the year. You loved how the city lit up during December, the white lights twinkling from the streetlights and trees, the fresh snow that usually littered the city of Toronto, and the constant smell of gingerbread and spices whenever you entered a building were all things that brought you comfort. This year, however, was different. It was the first year without your mom, without a lot of the traditions that the two of you would do together as you grew up. 

You tried though. You went through all of the motions of the holiday. You decorated a tree, blue and silver just like she always loved. You went skating, an experience that was far less fun without your mom to laugh with you when you fell. You went to the Christmas Market, buying a new small knick-knack, like every other year you had done since you were five years old. All of it felt forced, but you were hopeful. You were hopeful that one last Christmas tradition would bring you the sense of comfort you had been searching for during the entire month of December. 

The fleeting feeling of comfort and your mom were how you found yourself spending nearly $60 to go up CN Tower on Christmas Eve. A tradition that was usually entirely reserved for tourists visiting the city, a romantic setting with the tower lit up for the holiday and the nighttime skyline view of the entire city providing a cinematic backdrop for people’s perfect holiday moments. You weren’t a tourist, you had grown up in Toronto for your entire life, but your mom had always believed in the idea that it wasn’t a bad thing to be a tourist in your own city, so every year on Christmas even she would bring you up here and the two of you would sit on the observation deck and make a Christmas wish. No matter how lost you felt, it was the one tradition that you didn’t think you could ever give up. 

You wandered around the observation deck, the dark beanie on your head keeping your ears warm and your hands were securely tucked in your wool coat pockets as you watched the various people scattered around. It was getting late, the families with children were long gone, probably at home tucked into their beds, and most people that were left were younger couples. You glanced to your right, spotting a boy on one knee holding a ring out for the girl standing in front of him with tears in her eyes. You watched them for a moment, finding yourself wrapped up slightly in how happy they both looked. It gave you an idea for your Christmas wish, and you found yourself smiling softly as you closed your eyes and wished. 

“I love you, mom, Merry Christmas.” You whispered as you opened your eyes, the feeling of comfort not quite sinking into your chest yet. As you walked the familiar route to the elevators, you decided that once last stop before heading home for pancakes certainly couldn’t hurt. 

You walked down the street with your eyes focussed on your phone as the snow was falling a bit harder than it had been previously. You were searching for anything that was open on Christmas Eve, your stomach growling a bit as you scanned through the search results. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Someone exclaimed, grabbing your arm slightly to prevent you from falling into their chest. You looked up, seeing a boy that must have been around your age looking down at you with a concerned look in his blue eyes. You must have ran into him, too focussed on your phone to watch where you were walking properly enough. You studied his face for a minute, wondering if you had somehow met him before from the feeling of familiarity you were getting in your stomach. 

“Do I know you?” You blurted out, adverting your eyes a bit when you realized how rude you must have sounded to this boy immediately after quite literally bumping into him. It didn’t seem to phase him though, and he just smiled. 

“I think so? I’m William. You know Steph right? Steph LaChance?” And that’s when it hit you, you did know this boy, well sort of. You had met him maybe once before, at a mutual friend’s birthday party at least two years ago. 

“Ah, I do remember you. Wow, you look different, I mean, good.” You stumbled out. It was true, he did look a lot different than he did when you met him. His hair was longer, his face a bit rounder, and a short beard that definitely wasn’t there before. You felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment a bit as he laughed softly at your statement.

“So do you. Hey, this may seem a bit forward but, are you busy right now?” He asked. Part of you wanted to tell him yes, that you were busy. That way you could just get on the train back to your apartment, curl up with a warm cup of tea and your slippers, and fall asleep to the snow falling outside of your winder. But the other part of you was dreading going home, the sinking feeling of your first Christmas without your mom settling into your stomach and making you not want to go home. Because if you went home to your empty apartment, you’d have to fully confront your reality. So instead, you nodded up at William, taking a chance on the stranger in front of you that wasn’t quite a stranger. 

“What did you have in mind?” You asked softly.

“Come on.” He smiled at you and held his hand out for you to take, your question going unanswered as you hesitantly wrapped your hand in his, letting him lead you in the opposite direction you had come from. 

The walk was short and quiet, and your stomach grumbled once more when you stopped in front of what appeared to be the destination he was leading you to. You glanced up at the neon pink sign, the diner clearly out of date and straight from the 1980’s. You smiled to yourself, appreciating that somehow this stranger that wasn’t quite a stranger had instinctively known exactly what you needed at the moment. 

“I hope you like pancakes,” He smiled as he opened the door for you, gesturing you ahead with his hand. The diner was relatively empty, just a few other patrons sitting in the various worn-out leather booths. There were decorations everywhere, garlands wrapped around the posts holding up the ceiling and a small Christmas tree lit up in the corner of the diner, multicolored lights strung throughout but no ornaments. 

You followed William to a booth in the corner and watched carefully as he smiled at the waitress, her saying hello to him by name. You wondered if this was a place he went to frequently enough to be on a first-name basis with the people that worked here, or if perhaps they were just Toronto Maple Leafs fans who happened to recognize him.

“I come here all the time, usually after bad games. I just really like the people here, and something about diner food is comforting after a loss.” He explained before you had the chance to ask. You nodded at him while you shrugged off your jacket and pulled off your beanie, fixing your hair slightly as William handed you a menu from the side of the table. You grabbed the menu and let your fingers brush lightly against his, causing you to pull your hand back quickly. 

“Why did you want to come here tonight?” You asked softly, hoping that your question wasn’t taken out of context or as too intrusive for him to answer. William didn’t seem phased by any of it, instead offering you what would have been the fourth or fifth reassuring smile so far that night, if you were keeping count. 

“Just didn’t want to be alone on Christmas Eve, I guess.” He admitted. You were almost taken aback by his honesty with you, finding yourself wondering if he had asked you the very same question that you asked him if you’d answer as bluntly as he did. You felt oddly settled with him though, there in that shitty diner looking at a worn-out menu that probably hadn’t been updated in fifteen years and you found yourself wanting to give him the same openness that he gave you. 

“Me neither, I guess.” You commented, holding back and giving him just enough that hopefully he understood that on some level you felt how he felt, even if you couldn’t entirely admit to him why. 

The two of you sat in comfortable silence for a few moments as you both scanned over the menu. The waitress came over, sliding two pale brown mugs filled with coffee in both of your directions and noting that she would be back in a minute to check if either of you wanted any food. You scanned over the pancakes and peeked over at William, his eyes also scanning the page with concentration and you found your mind wondering about him once more. You watched as he bit his lip softly and wondered if he was the type who liked pancakes with fruit on them, or chocolate, an inconsequential fact that most people wouldn’t be phased by but to you said everything you needed to know about a person. 

“You said you hoped I liked pancakes, right, William?” You asked, breaking the silence between you as you closed your menu in front of you. He looked over the menu in his own hands at you, raising an eyebrow quickly and smiling softly before looking back down at the pages. 

“You can call me Willy if you want, and yeah. I like most kinds, but if you try to tell me fruit on pancakes is better than chocolate, I might have to leave.” He teased as he closed his menu, now looking fully at you with a smirk on his face. For a moment you went wide-eyed, wondering if he somehow crept into your mind and heard exactly what you were thinking. You recovered quickly though, and folded your hands quickly on the table, sending your own smirk back to him. 

“I’m not going to argue with that, it’s obviously the correct answer.” Willy didn’t say anything, instead, he nodded at you before taking a sip of the diner coffee, seemingly not phased by its lack of strength or flavor. You grabbed your own mug and the two of you settled into a much more relaxed conversation as you waited for the waitress to come back. Nearly two hours of conversation passing through you without either of you realizing just how personal you were being with each other. 

“Usually this place is faster than this, I’m sorry.” The boy in front of you commented, his head tilting toward the large analog clock on the wall that had shown it was nearing midnight, nearing Christmas. You weren’t worried though, glancing around the small diner as the snow fell harshly outside. You smiled softly at William, 

“We haven’t even ordered yet, and I’ve got nothing but time tonight.” Willy just smiled back at you, nodding a bit and catching the eye of the waitress. 

“Sorry guys, been a long day. What can I get you?” She smiled apologetically. You nodded at Willy to go first. 

“No problem, Grace.” He started, referring to the older woman by her first name. He glanced at you quickly, taking a leap of his own as he spoke,

“Can we just grab two orders of chocolate chip pancakes and more coffee?” he asked. 

“Confident, what if I wanted strawberry?” You teased, raising an eyebrow quickly. Willy laughed, a genuine laugh that somehow hit you in your chest as comfort settled into your system, a soft smile lingering on your lips as he started leaning into his hand that was resting on the table. He looked at you at that moment like you were more than just a stranger who wasn’t really a stranger to him, and you would be lying to yourself if you tried to ignore the butterflies that it was giving you. Willy felt familiar in an unfamiliar yet exciting way. It didn’t feel like you had only met him once, instead, it felt like you had known him in passing forever, your comfort level and trust quickly rising in him in just a few short hours of really knowing him. 

“No chance, you said I was right about chocolate, and I pay attention.” He threw back at you. 

“Okay, tell me the real reason you’re alone on Christmas Eve.” Willy pressed as he set his fork down, scooting the nearly empty plate away from his body and toward the center of the table. It was nearly 2 am at this point, and you weren’t sure if it was the few hours you had spent with him giving or the tiredness weighing you down that gave you the false sense of closeness with him, but you found yourself giving in anyway, wanting to tell him everything about yourself in hopes that he would for some reason be taking notes to remember you by. 

“It’s my first Christmas without my mom, she uhm, passed away earlier this year and I spent the whole day doing things by myself that we used to do together. So, when you asked if I was busy, I said no, because going somewhere with you felt better than going home to my empty apartment and my thoughts.” It felt good to get it out and Willy’s reaction confirmed what you had already assumed about him, that he wouldn’t judge you for not wanting to spend Christmas Eve alone. After all, before you ran into him, he was set on being alone. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He frowned. You just shrugged, you were used to the apologies, no one really knew what it was like when a parent passed away unless they had dealt with it themselves. The apology was an expression of sympathy, and you didn’t mind it coming from Willy. 

“What about you? Have a sad story to tell me?” You inquired. Willy sighed and for a moment you wondered if you had pushed too hard if you had overstepped some boundary that he had put up between you that you missed. But the sigh came with a nod as he continued, opening his mouth to speak quietly as you looked at him with eyes that you hoped indicated your willingness to take in whatever he had to say without any judgment. 

“I guess I’ve just been having a rough year, I’m not sure how closely you follow hockey, but, a lot of people are doubting if I belong here. I guess with not being able to go home and see my family, it was getting to me. Didn’t even really have any plans until you ran into me and I just felt comfortable asking you to do something.” His voice wavered as he spoke and his eyes dodged your own a few times as he went through what you could only gather were insecurities he didn’t like to talk about. You reached out and put your hand on his wrist, running your thumb slowly across his skin and smiling softly at him. 

“You belong here, Willy. I’m not sure how much that means coming from a stranger, but you belong here.” He lit up at your words, turning his hand to grab yours. Your heart pounded in your chest as he laced your fingers together and gave your hand a soft squeeze before letting go, a silent thank you that didn’t need words. You knew what he was trying to say, you didn’t need him to verbally thank you for it. 

The two of you started putting your coats back on, the night coming to a close that you weren’t sure you were ready for. You hadn’t expected to have a good Christmas, and while it certainly couldn’t compare to the ones of your past, as you sat in that diner with Willy for hours you felt like you were soaking in the comfort you had spent the entire month trying to find. Each time he laughed at something you said you melted further into the old booth. 

Willy set some cash on the table, ignoring your protests as he paid for the meal, and grabbed your hand, once again lacing your fingers together as he tugged you out of the restaurant, this time not letting go once you stepped outside. 

“I’ll drive you home, I’m just parked a bit far. Is that okay?” He asked. You smiled and nodded in response, too focussed on the warmth of the feeling of his hand in yours and how it sent waves of feeling straight to your heart and butterflies to your stomach. 

The two of you walked in silence for about a block, his hand never wavering from yours until you were standing at a crosswalk. He stopped and looked around a bit. You were near the Christmas market, some of the lights were still on despite how late it was. The decorations were visible from where you were standing on the street, and the only light was coming from the reflection of the twinkling lights reflecting off of the snow. He turned to face you, squeezing your hand gently as he stumbled through his next few words,

“I know this is so abrupt and we just sort of met, and maybe it’s the over romanization of Christmas getting to my head but I really want to kiss you right now.” 

You looked up at him, his eyes were warm and the snow was settling into the hair sticking from his beanie. It might have been exactly what he said, the romanization of meeting someone outside of a shitty diner on Christmas Eve and somehow spending the whole night with them sharing things that you hadn’t even entirely shared with your closest friends. 

The more you thought about it the more you felt like it was a bad Christmas movie. But bad Christmas movies always ended in a kiss, and you weren’t about to stop the tradition now. So you grabbed him by the collar of his stupidly overpriced pea coat and crashed your lips to his before you could stop yourself. Willy settled into the kiss quickly, wrapping his hand around your waist and tugging your body into his chest. When you pulled apart, the puffs of cloudy air from your breath filled the space around you, and he smiled at you like you were the best thing he could have hoped for this Christmas, a feeling that was unspoken yet mutual. 

You buried your face into his chest, stomach in knots as you overthought exactly what had just happened and what it all meant. Willy took his hand and tilted your chin up so that your eyes were looking at his, smiling at you before leaning in to kiss you again, his lips brushing yours softly. 

“You never told me what you wished for.” He commented when you pulled apart. 

“You somehow gave it to me, Willy.” You smiled and kissed him again, tangling your hand with his once again. You didn’t need to elaborate, because Willy understood what you meant. He had given you comfort, a feeling of not being alone on the one holiday where no one should have to be alone. He didn’t know what the future held, or what this would mean to you by the time the enchantment of the holidays wore off, but he knew that right now you were what he wanted, and he could only hope that you felt the same as you kissed him for the third time that night in the snow.  

[wonkasmissstarshine]

The Chocolatier’s Rose {Willy Wonka x OC} Ch. 9

GIFs not mine. Credit go to owners.

Summary: Willy shows his guests the Inventing Room. And Violet’s gum chewing comes back to bite her in the butt.

A/N: This is where it starts getting really fluffy between Rose and Willy.

Tagging: @holdmeicant​ @willymywonkers​

Willy got out of the boat first so he could usher everyone out of it. Rose was the last one to step off, and being the clumsy girl she was, she managed to trip over her feet. Luckily, she was caught by a pair of arms.

"It's alright, starshine" Willy whispered to Rose.  "I've got you"

"Thanks" She muttered softly to him, looking up at the face of her saviour. Her heart began to beat faster when she realized how close their faces were. The tips of their noses were touching.

It felt like it was only them in their own little world until the sound of someone clearing their throat reeled them back into reality. Rose and Willy turned their heads to see everyone staring weirdly at them. Well, everyone except for Charlie who had a wide grin on his face.

The two lovebirds stepped away from each other. Rose walked over to Charlie. She could feel a set of eyes glaring into the back of her head. She turned her head to see Mrs Beauregarde's eyes flared with jealousy. Rose just decided to ignore the woman for now. The door to the Inventing Room opened, and Willy led everyone inside.

Rose's eyes lit up in fascination when she saw all the machines and flasks, the smoke and colourful liquids. "Now this is the most important room in the entire factory!" Willy explained and then he cautioned. "Now, everyone enjoy yourselves, but just don't touch anything. Okay? Go on!"

Every child was quick to run off, except for Charlie. He looked up at Rose, and she gave him a nod with a smile. Charlie then walked off. He was definitely the most behaved child here, well, the only behaved child. Rose went off to do some exploring of her own. She felt the presence of someone come to stand next to her. She turned her head to see Willy.

"Does anything in particular catch your eye?" He asked her curiously, playfully bumping his shoulder against hers.

"It's hard to say" Rose said, smiling up at him. "Everything here is so fascinating" A smile danced across Willy's lips. He was glad the girl was enjoying herself. He looked down to see that their hands were nearly touching. Rose didn't seem to notice yet though. He was about to make a bold move, and lace their fingers together, but the moment was ruined.

"Hey, Mr Wonka! What's this?" Violet called loudly from a pool with windows which she and Mike were looking at. Oompa-Loompas were swimming inside it.

Willy pursed his lips in annoyance, glancing in the child's direction. He just wanted one uninterrupted moment with Rose. "Oh! Let me show you!" Willy's annoyance was replaced with excitement when he saw what Violet and Mike were standing by. He walked over, and an Oompa-Loompa emerged from the water. He handed Willy a red ball. "Thank you!" He said the Oompa-Loompa. Everyone gathered around Willy to hear what he had to say. "These are Everlasting Gobstoppers. They're for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on it all year, and it'll never get any smaller. Isn't that neat?"

"It's like gum" Violet compared.

"No" Willy disagreed. "Gum is for chewing. And if you tried chewing one of these Gobstoppers, you'd break all your little teeth off" He admired the piece of candy wearing a proud smile. "They sure do taste terrific"

He walked off to the next machine and everybody followed after him. "And this is Hair Toffee" He picked up a piece of candy that looked similar to chewy caramel. "You suck down one of these little boogers, and in exactly half an hour, a brand new crop of hair will start growing out all over the top of your little noggin. And a moustache. And a beard"

"Who wants a beard?" Mike asked, clearly not impressed.

"Well," Willy paused a moment as he thought of an answer. "Beatniks for one. Folk singers and motorbike riders. You know, all those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge daddy-o. Are you hep to the jive? Can you dig what I'm laying down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!" Willy stretched his hand out to Mike, waiting for the boy to give him five. Mike didn't, he just glanced weirdly at the man. Willy pulled his hand back when he realized Mike wasn't going to do anything.

"Unfortunately, the mixture isn't quite right yet because an Oompa-Loompa tried some yesterday, and well, he...." As if on cue, an Oompa-Loompa resembling Cousin Itt walked over. He had hair all over, it was a wonder he could even see where he was going. "How are you today?" Willy asked the Oompa-Loompa. It held up two thumbs. "You look great!"

Then finally, Willy led everyone over to a machine where an Oompa-Loompa had dumped various foods into it. "Watch this!" Willy said excitedly and then pulled on a lever.

The machine whirred and buzzed, bubbled and smoked, until it was finished and dispensed the finishing product. A stick of gum. Violet took it and examined it.

"You mean that's it?" Mike said, unimpressed yet again.

"Do you even know what it is?" Willy mocked Mike's tone.

"It's gum" Violet stated.

"Yeah! It's a stick of the most amazing and sensational gum in the whole universe! Know why? Know why?"

Rose could tell how excited Willy was about the gum so she decided to play along with him. "Why is it the most amazing and sensational gum?" She asked, tilting her head curiously.

"This gum is a full three course dinner all by itself!"

"Why would anyone want that?" Mr Salt asked.

Willy reached into his coat pockets and grabbed the flash cards. He flipped through them until he found the right one, and began to read from it. "It'll be the end of all kitchens and all cooking. Just a little strip of Wonka's magic chewing gum and that is all you will ever need at breakfast, lunch and dinner. This piece of gum happens to be tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie"

"It sounds great!" Rose said.

"It sounds weird" Veruca judged.

"It sounds like my kind of gum" Violet decided. She took out the piece of gum she was currently chewing, and stuck it behind her ear. Rose cringed at the little blonde girl. That was utterly disgusting, and she was surprised that Violet didn't get the stuff stuck in her hair.

"I'd rather you didn't" Willy warned. "There's still one or two things that are—"

Violet interrupted him. "I'm the world record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!" She shoved the fresh stick of gum in her mouth, all while Mrs Beauregarde was smiling pridefully at her daughter.

Violet began chewing and Mrs Beauregarde asked her, "How is it, honey?"

"It's amazing! Tomato soup! I can feel it running down my throat!"

"Yeah!" Willy nodded and smiled nervously. "Spit it out!"

Rose even tried getting Violet to stop. "Young lady, I think you'd better—"

She was rudely interrupted by Violet as the gum changed tastes. "It's changing! Roast beef with baked potato! Crispy skin and butter!"

"Keep chewing, kiddo!" Mrs Beauregarde encouraged her daughter. Rose rolled her eyes. She was just as bad as her daughter. "My little girls gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!"

"Yeah," Willy said, still feeling anxious. "I'm just a little concerned about the—"

"Blueberry pie and ice cream!" Violet said.

"That part"

Veruca noticed something odd. "What's happening to her nose?" Everyone looked at Violet to see what Veruca was talking about. A little speck of blue appeared on the tip of Violet's nose and very quickly began to spread.

"It's turning blue!" Mr Salt exclaimed.

Violet looked up at her mother. "Your whole nose has gone purple!" Mrs Beauregarde said.

"What do you mean?" Violet asked as she touched her nose.

"Violet, you're turning violet!" Violet's eyes widened in fright as she looked at Willy. Mrs Beauregarde looked at him as well and asked, "What's happening?"

"Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right 'cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert" Willy explained. "It's the blueberry pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry" He ducked down and hid behind the machine.

Violet's whole face had gone blue, and now her hands and hair were turning blue as well. The colour change was even affecting her clothes. "Mother, what's happening to me?" Violet asked, feeling horrified as she looked at her hand. Everyone backed away from her. If the colour change wasn't bad enough, Violet also started to engorge.

"She's swelling up!" Rose noted.

"Like a blueberry!" Charlie added.

Once Violet was completely blown up, Willy appeared from behind Mrs Beauregarde. He spooked her as he told her. "I've tried it on like twenty Oompa-Loompas, and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!"

"But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter!" Mrs Beauregarde shook her head at him. "How is she supposed to compete?"

"That's what you're concerned about?" Rose asked the woman, completely appalled. "Honestly, your daughter is blue and as a big as a hot air balloon, and the thing you're worried about is competitions? Maybe if you had been a better parent, then--"

"Don't you tell me how to parent my child!" Mrs Beauregarde snapped at Rose. Rose flinched a her tone, but she decided against arguing with her any further.

"You could put her in a county fair!" Veruca chirped, a little too happy about the situation.

Suddenly, the machines in the room began making a rhythm. Rose knew that the Oompa-Loompas were going to start singing again, and she was excited to hear them. Some Oompa-Loompas emerged from the smoke and they began to sing. Willy started dancing to the song, and Rose couldn't help but dance too.

Listen close, and listen hard,

The tale of Violet Beauregarde

This dreadful girl she sees no wrong

Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long

Chewing, chewing all day long.chewing,

Chewing all day long.

Chewing, chewing all day long.

She goes on chewing till at last

Her chewing muscles go so fast.

And from her face her giant chin

Sticks out just like a violin

Chewing, chewing all day long. chewing,

Chewing all day long.

Chewing, chewing all day long

For years and years she chews away

Her jaw gets stronger every day.

And with one great tremendous chew

They bite the poor girls tongue in two

And that is why we try so hard

To save miss Violet Beauregarde

Chewing, chewing all day long chewing,

Chewing all day long

Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long

As the song ended, Willy kept dancing, and an angry Mrs Beauregarde approached him. The look she had on her face was one of pure anger. When he noticed Mrs Beauregarde, he stopped dancing and looked at the Oompa-Loompa that approached. "I want you to roll Miss Beauregarde into the boat and take her along to the Juicing Room at once, okay?"

The Oompa-Loompa crossed its arms over its chest. "The Juicing Room?" Mrs Beauregarde repeated. "What are they gonna do to her there?"

"They're gonna squeeze her!" Willy answered with a wild grin. "Like a little pimple!" Mrs Beauregarde's eyes widened and her mouth opened in horror. "We gotta squeeze all that juice out of her immediately"

Without another word, Mrs Beauregarde ran over to help the Oompa-Loompas push Violet out of the room. Willy faced everyone. "Come on, let's boogie!" He beckoned. Everyone began moving along, but Rose was stopped when she felt Willy gently grab her arm. She looked at him to see him smiling wildly at her. "Close your eyes and hold out your hands!"

"Okay" She said. Rose closed her eyes, cupped her hands together and held them out. She could feel something being dropped in her hand. Her hands closed together around whatever had been put in her palms. Then she could feel a pair of hands wrap around her own. Her hands were being guided until she felt something soft brush against the back of one of her hands.

That's when she opened her eyes to see Willy pressing a gentle kiss to her hand. Rose's lips parted slightly, and her eyes locked with his. The two of them shared an intense stare. Willy released her hands and he smirked at her. "Come along, starshine"

Willy walked off. That's when Rose looked down at her hands to see what he had given her. It was the Everlasting Gobstopper. She grinned at the candy and started walking again.

[polygamyff]

38. Part 4

There is another reason why I didn’t want to sleep here, Robyn’ bed is not exactly big, I mean luckily for me I’m skinny but it’s not the biggest bed I’ve been in, it does mean I’m closer to Robyn but I can hear her whimpering in her sleep and it’s really upsetting me, now I can’t sleep. I can’t exactly move either, she is holding onto my arm. I’ve never heard Robyn whimper in her sleep before so this is new to me but also it’s just not what I want, she’s really hurt by him this time. I just don’t know what to do, keeping it from her just causes whole lot of shit for Terry but then telling her, she will be devastated and rightly so, her whole life has been a lie in regards to her father. This whole situation could have been avoided if he just stopped being selfish, just love her. I did honestly think I would have had a problem with my dad, I thought he would have never forgiven me for it, I thought he would have done a lot of things but he didn’t, he has been there for me and Robyn, it was nice to hear that he called her off of his own back. I think he did assume that Robyn was going to come after me for the money, which was not a thing, she didn’t care for it, I mean even I tested that out myself by not telling her the truth. I’m just very much nervous about this whole thing, I do hope it’s Thomas that says it seeing as he wants to be a bitch ass in this situation.

I faked my yawn as I stretched out, I felt Robyn starting to wake up and move around so I had to make out like I slept when I didn’t “are you awake?” Robyn said, it’s still dark outside so it’s like way early in the morning and she is awake “yeah I am, what’s up?” Feeling Robyn’ hand placed on my chest, the side of her face pressed against my chest “I’m just not sleeping well” opening my eyes slowly “same, I can’t sleep because you’re upset, it’s hurting me” placing my hand atop of hers “did I wake you?” Pulling her hand up, pressing a kiss to the tip of her fingers “no, you didn’t. Just can’t rest, I was thinking. I can’t wait to see you on the wedding day, how beautiful you will look” looking down at her, that made her smile “I can’t wait to see you without this beard, I just feel a little deflated. I just don’t feel like my life is supposed to be like this? I just don’t get it, I always said to you I wanted my daughter to have what I had, I was a daddy’s girl, he loved me and then he just done this to me, I don’t get it” now she is crying again “I am sorry, some people can’t be helped” I wish I could beat his ass again, my poor baby is crying again “sorry” Robyn got up “I am wetting your chest, I will be back” grabbing her arm “Bonita” I said, Robyn looked at me. It was a weird feeling to see, she dead ass looks like her real dad, she has his features “yes?” Robyn said breaking my train of thoughts “I love you, I don’t want you upset” reaching over and wiping her tear “I love you too” Robyn smiled at me but she is teary eyed “you are my pootie, let me go toilet” I don’t want her to go, I know what she is going to do, she is going to cry her eyes out.

Robyn just makes me so sad; I don’t like her being in this way at all. Robyn is crying in the toilet; she hasn’t come out “what is she like little momma” Reign in the morning makes me smile, her hair is all over and she is so cute and cuddly, she looks so lost too “morning queen” pressing a kiss to her cheek “Robyn, I will be in the bedroom” I said as I made my way to the bedroom, Reign rested her head against my shoulder “aww Mir Amor, you want snuggles” rubbing her back lightly, kicking the door shut and walking around the bed, moving my hand away from her back and she lifted her head up “what is it?” my little angel just staring at me “you want daddy to rub your back? OK, you lay back then” rubbing her back again and she laid her head back down “my little snuggle monster” slowly sitting down on the bed and shuffling back, moving my hand away from Reign and then pushing myself back using my hand. Reign is really out here demanding back rubs, she is lifting her head up again “yes ma’am?” staring back at her, I don’t know who she is staring at like this. She placed her head back on my shoulder, she is a damn diva with these back rubs “come on now” moving Reign from off of my shoulder and placing her on the bed, grabbing the pillows at the side of me which is Robyn’ pillows but placed them behind Reign “let’s prop you up so you can see daddy face” Reign grinned at me “daddy hand hurt baby, I can’t keep on rubbing your back. Your daddy is broken, I am slowly breaking” I chuckled, touching her hand. My hand is looking very sore, pushing back Reign’ hair after “you can look at daddy” I need to check on some emails and messages, I have a lot of updates to look at.

Deleting the email and going onto the next email “you see this Reign, so I got an email from Nike. So listen to this Reign, leave boo thang alone” taking the bear from her “it says, Hi Mr Davenport, it’s John Donahoe, we met at the fashion show. I would like to use your New York hotel for a meeting for my partners, we will be inviting Lebron James, as we are developing the new set of sneakers and clothing line. I want to also fulfil a deal we both spoke on which was opening an exclusive Nike store in your Dubai hotel, alongside the likes of Gucci. Looking forward to hearing from you, John” looking at Reign “now I remember I met him, he thought he was special, I asked him Reign about opening a store in my Dubai hotel. He thought I was funny, but he didn’t see my idea, my plan, my vision. Reign, the hotel has it’s own island, with it’s own mall in there, I have the likes of Burberry, Gucci, Hermes there. Now he wants to come to me, laughable. See with business, they all fake, they all come back” Reign lifted her arms up to me “sure, but Reign. I will teach you the ways” picking her up and placing Reign on my lap “so I will leave this on read, I don’t care who he is” the bedroom door opened “I am back” side eyeing Robyn “all that time?” I said, “I went downstairs” letting on oh “then who the hell was I talking too in the bathroom?” shaking my head “yourself maybe, I just went to have some water. She is awake, Maurice she adores you so much. I get jealous” Robyn climbed on the bed “baby she loves you too” Robyn sat next to me on the bed.

Robyn is feeding Reign upstairs so I came down, I am hungry too “morning friend” Leon said “hey, you stayed the night?” he got up from the couch “yeah, I couldn’t sleep, the same with mom. She’s just been here worrying” walking over to the dining table “you look terrible, I mean so do I” pulling the chair back “I contacted Thomas, he said to me that it’s your daughter. I want out” Terry shook her head “I have no tears for that man, but he is right. She is my daughter; she is my blood, so this is my issue. It’s over for Thomas and I, we spoke and I said it’s over, I ended it and he said things but I don’t care. Now I have stayed awake all night thinking, and I did this” Terry paused “I want my daughter to have the best start to life, to a marriage. Why enter a new lease of life with this burden that I did, I wanted to protect her, I wanted my daughter to have a dad, I wanted her to have love and he did do that. Just he slipped away, he thought he was losing Robyn and there was no bond there. He hated me for it but it’s not true, he has broken her heart already. Maurice you got to promise me you will never break her heart, when you make her a Davenport that will give Robyn a purpose, a difference, a change she needs when she finds out. I want her to be a Davenport as quickly as possible, because Willis is something she won’t be. Please don’t ever hurt her, I love that girl so much so I need you to promise me” nodding my head “I got so much respect for you Terry, you know that” she is getting me teary eyed “I want to tell her, the truth. Because she will enter married life not knowing why, it’s killing her more being this way, it’s horrible and I hate Thomas for this” taking in a deep breath “we got this Maurice” Leon grabbed my arm “how is she supposed to move on from it, tell me this?” I said, I am just so sad “she will, for you. She has you Maurice, and she will move on with you” Terry really believes in me but I don’t believe in me “why can’t we just wait for after the wedding, I have to sleep in the bed with Robyn when she is whimpering in her sleep, it’s wrong. But then I also don’t want her to enter married life with this issue” looking at Leon “what you think?” I asked him “you’re her best friend, you have known her longer than I have” he has to help me out here “I think” Leon drifted off “I think my friend deserves to know, she needs to know this is not her fault because she will be thinking she did something wrong when she has done nothing wrong. Terry is right, she needs to know, she needs to know that she has done nothing wrong and she does have you. The sooner she is your wife, the better so she has nothing to do with him” I guess I am outnumbered with it “fine” I mumbled, what more can I say.

I am put off my food now, I don’t want breakfast anymore. My phone started ringing in my hand, it’s my dad so I will pick up. Answering the call “dad” I said down the phone, we are all waiting for Robyn to come down, but she isn’t at all, I wish she would “where are you? I rang the hotel, you’re not there son?” I stifled out a yawn, I never said it to him “I am in Cali, I told you about me wanting to get married to Robyn on her birthday, so she came here to tell the family so yeah. That is what is happening, when are you coming back? How is Tokyo? Mom said she hates the food there” rubbing the top of my head “have you ate Maurice?” looking at Robyn, she is here “your mom doesn’t like how they make the food here but she is well, losing weight” I can hear my mom shouting in the background which made me laugh “yes you did say it, you wanted to do it at the home in Texas, well if that is what you want then by all means use the home. We will be back in time for it, of course but you need to have family there Maurice, private includes my brothers ok” rolling my eyes “sure, but Robyn and I don’t want anything to eat. Just sit down here for me. Dad I know, I get what you mean but I don’t want them there, but I don’t have a say in that, just sort me out with the home. Sort the ball room out for me. And tell mom to use her useful skills for a party. Also, can you tell Ally, email John back tell him I don’t need his Nike store in my hotel but he can use my hotel for the meeting, also tell Ally I approve of the time off, and one more thing. I am happy with what you sent. I need to go now, thank you” my dad went out of his way to do this for me “noted, see you soon son” disconnecting the call “sorting things out” I said to Robyn “I can tell, what do you want? I literally came down to feed you” licking my top lip “and I appreciate it, uhm I think your mom wants to speak to you” I don’t know what else to say “I was thinking why everyone was sat around the table, is this like a pre-wedding meeting” Robyn said, rubbing my face not really wanting this to happen but it is out of my hands “Robyn, there is something I really need to tell you, it’s something that has always been a burden to me but I thought things would have been different for us” Robyn’ face look very nervous now, she knows it’s serious.

Terry has her pictures ready “am I in trouble? Mom you did this to me when you assumed I was whoring myself, when I was not doing anything” Leon snorted laughing “you remember when your mom placed the pregnancy test on the table and it was Tiffany’ oh my god, your mom was so angry. Chile. She ain’t shit, like she got us all in trouble and you got the blame for it. Terry was like Robyn you need to be a surgeon, you can’t be pregnant” Leon laughed “you kids are terrible but please, it’s serious now” squinting my eyes at Robyn “you whore yourself out?” I said, Robyn scoffed “be quiet I didn’t, it was Tiffany. I was choosy who I did that with” we are going off course now “sure” I mumbled “your mom wants to speak to you” I said to her “and I am listening Maurice” Robyn retorted back to me “thank you Maurice, Robyn what has happened with Thomas is not your fault and never has been. You have been dragged into the mess and it’s my fault I would say, I wanted you to have the best. I wanted you to have the love and Robbie, you did. You are so loved but the things that happened with Thomas, it’s not your fault at all” Terry looked down at the table and took in a deep breath “mom, are you crying? It’s ok, I don’t blame you either. He is lost in his own mind” Robyn said “just listen to me Robyn, just please don’t speak for me. I just want you to listen. I want you to know that none of this was your fault, everything that happened was our fault, ok?” Terry’ voice broke, I don’t know how I would have reacted if my dad said he wasn’t my dad, this is going to break hearts, this broke my heart to hear but it depends which side of the story she starts with “when I gave birth to you, it was the best moment of my life Robyn. But then I also lost a piece of me when I gave birth to you, I lost my womb so that is why I could never have another child, this is why I never ever gave you another sibling like you asked, it was the most traumatic thing to happen to me but Thomas was there for us, and I had you at the end of it. Best moment of my life baby is you. I am not regretful of what happened to me, I got you. You have been the best daughter to me but that did strain Thomas and I, now what I am going to tell you Robyn. It’s hard, I have kept this away because it’s something we agreed on, we moved on and as a family that was it, but he let me down. He let us down and I have no choice because I don’t want you to blame yourself because it is not your fault, it had never been your fault in this” I don’t want to look at Robyn but I just looked to the side of me at Leon, he put his head down “mom you’re literally scaring me, what is it? I’m adopted?” She laughed nervously “I mean that is bullshit, I look like you” Robyn said.

I think Terry is finding it hard to say it “before Thomas Robyn, I was with another man. I met him and we fell quick, we was inseparable” every time Terry talks about him, she smiles and I feel for her because she lost out because of dumb shit “for those four months, and I counted the months, the weeks, the days with him, the hour until I saw him because we was close but we argued. That one night, and I say it to you Robyn, do not argue with the man you love and you’re always getting annoyed with me but we argued Robyn, I went to sleep angry. Woke up to find out he died in a shooting” Terry sighed out “Cali gangs, he wanted to make easy money. And erm” my eyes slowly diverted to Robyn “no” Robyn said as her voice broke “I never got to tell him I was pregnant, with you. I never told him but I kept you” Robyn shook her head “no, mom. Don’t say that” Robyn shakily placed her hand over her mouth “Robbie I am sorry” Robyn pushed her chair back, she looked at me “no” she heaved out “Robyn” getting up from the chair “no!” she shouted “you all knew, you all knew! How could you” she got up from the chair walking off, she held the wall. Utter silence in the room and then her cry left her lips, before Robyn fell to the ground I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me as she cried out, she is in pain and it’s hurting my heart too.

[zuucc]

Not dating: W. Nylander - BLURB

Words: 1,9K (yeah I know I’m terrible at keeping it short)

Summary: “I thought you said they weren’t dating”

Warnings: just a itty bitty tongue touching and suggestive hand between bodies

Author’s note: this changes between two different point of views, divided by cursive and regular. Also, just something I had in mind.

Masterlist linked in bio

“Come on, there’s a guy on Mitch’s team that I know you’ll like,” Steph said, throwing a dress from her friend’s closet on said friend. Hailey rolled her eyes. Steph was on her way to undress her herself, to make her come out with her. “I mean it, I know you’ll like him! His name is Willy, or you know, it’s William but everyone just calls him Willy or Will, and lately he’s got this hipstery, beard, glasses and beanie thing going on, which I know is exactly your type,” with that Hailey’s eyes lit up.

“You’ve got a picture?” Hailey asked. Steph laughed and pulled up Will’s instagram for her friend, handing her phone to her. She followed her eyes closely, as Hailey hummed like ��yes, my type’. And then her brows furrowed. “You didn’t think to tell me he has a girlfriend, though?” Hailey rolled her eyes, giving the phone back to Steph with a picture of Willy and a girl cuddled up on the couch underneath a pile of blankets, their faces all up in each other’s business - giggling.

“No, that’s just Y/N, they’re just really close, really weird best friends. You know, she’s the girl I told you about, the one who I sometimes sit with outside of the friends and family box, because she refuses to sit there, because she feels like she can’t scream in there,” Steph explained, and Hailey nodded understandingly. She had heard of this Y/N and her antics. She took her friend’s word, before quickly changing into the dress and some heals.

You laughed as you watched Willy’s face scrunch up after that third tequila shot. He never could take his tequila as well as you did, and you always had a good time watching him try and keep up with you.

“Ugh, give me some of that,” he charged at you. You tried to hold your much better tasting drink away from him, but his height and long arms defeated you. You laughed more when he took a break from downing your fruity daiquiri, just to ask the bartender for another one - he wasn’t planning on giving this one back. You got the new drink and you both stumbled your way back to the booth where Mitch and Kappy sat, the rest of the guys having disappeared somewhere.

“Did you really think you two needed those tequila shots?” Mitch asked as you both nearly tripped  back into the booth. “Obviously,” you told him, taking another long sip from your daiquiri. “The question is, did Willy need them?” Kappy adds, making you laugh and an offended look appear on Will’s face. “Excuse me?” he tried to sound mad, but didn’t quite succeed. “We all know you can’t hold you liquor like she does,” Kappy says, making another laugh roll through you.

“Okay, so we’re not friends with them anymore,” William said, turning his back on his teammates. You kept laughing but agreed to just be you and your best friend against the world. You unceremoniously threw your jean clad leg over his thigh and leaned back in the booth, relaxing as you drank your daiquiri. You were both way past the point of drunk, and you where both giggling like crazy. Will held your hand in his and fought to place big sloppy kisses all over it. “Eww, stop,” you tried to wrestle your hand out from his, but he just pulled you closer, placing his sloppy kisses on you cheek and neck in stead.

“William Andrew Michael Junior Nylander Altelius,” you drew a deep breath before messily getting through you best friend’s full name. This always used to work, as he wasn’t very happy with being granted six names by his parents. But this time he took another route, just to prove that you couldn’t stop him.

“Aww, you know all my names,” he said, taking hold of your face and holding it to him as he kept leaving his kisses, eventually getting to your lips, as you laughed against his lips. 

“Oh, god, here they go again,” you hear Kappy say behind Willy. You pulled back to watch his face as you flipped him off, making sure to stare at him while you place your hands on Will’s neck and messily kissing him again. He kissed you right back, and you decided to forget about Kappy and Mitch to rather get lost in drunken kisses with your best friend. 

You wouldn’t say it happened every time you went out together, but it usually did when you both got a little more than tipsy. Unless one of you tried to get laid, though, but most of the time you didn’t - you both had a better time when said time was spent together. But you never went further than making out, never. It was discussed and pinky-sworn upon years ago. 

Hailey and Steph met Mitch by the bar, a guy that she hadn’t seen before following behind him. She’d hoped it would be this Willy guy that she was supposed to be set up with, but it wasn’t. The guy introduced himself as Kappy before his attention was caught by Steph. “Hey, where’s Willy hiding?” Steph asked her boyfriend and this Kappy guy. They didn’t really answer her, instead they just stepped aside and looked behind them towards the booths.

“I thought you said they weren’t dating,” Hailey tried to say discreetly to Steph, hoping that the boys didn’t hear her. 

In the booth, Willy sat sideways. Over his suit clad thigh rested a leg wearing light washed loose jeans and platform black boots, over the jeans there was a big hand holding onto her thigh. The thigh that belonged to the just best friend. As Hailey had moved her stare further up, she’d seen the best friend’s hand disappearing into the back of his beanie, his hair sticking out between her fingers. She saw his hand moving up underneath her leather jacket. Their lips where slotting together in a deep kiss, and there was definitely tongue. And then they pulled back and smiled, giggled, laughed - whatever - between kisses. 

“They’re not, I promise,” Steph said, not caring about the boys listening. Kap laughed. “They just do... that, when they’re drunk, and they are both shitfaced right now,” he told her. “And it’s never more than... that.” They started walking towards the booth, and Hailey followed, even if she didn’t really feel like sitting next to them making out like there was no one else in the room. 

They pulled back when Kappy sat down next to them and literally put his hand between their faces - which he pulled back rather quickly as Y/N licked it, throwing her head back laughing at his reaction. Steph then caught her attention and she threw herself past Hailey and into the arms of the friend they had in common. “Oh my god, Steph, you’re like two hours late, I missed you,” she almost screamed, making Steph laugh. Hailey had already decided that she didn’t like her. 

“Give her back, Steph,” Willy played offended, placing his hands on her waist, pulling her back into his lap. “Willy, you’re being rude,” she laughed at him, smacking at his arms that now held her close to him. She then turned to Hailey, holding out her arm for Hailey to shake it. “Oh, Hailey, Steph has told me so much about you! I’m so happy to finally meet you,” she exclaimed, once Hailey had said her name. “And you’re so pretty, oh my god,” she added, and Hailey thought maybe not liking her could be hard. 

She still wanted what she came here for, though.

Willy eventually reached out and introduced himself to Steph’s friend, and you had trouble holding back your drunken laughter as she beamed up at him, batting her lashes. If Willy ignored it or if he was too drunk to notice it, you didn’t know. 

“Y/N, did you get my text?” Steph asked, and before you could do it yourself, Willy - who was now resting his head on your shoulder as you sat halfway on his lap with his arms around your waist - fished it out of your back pocket. You looked down at your phone, you found Steph’s message in the midst of notifications from Instagram and Snapchat. William giggled as he read the message. 

‘I’m bringing my friend Hailey, gonna try and set her up with Willy so maybe don’t make out with him,’ 

“Just a little too late,” you chuckle, William laughing and hiding his head behind your back. Steph just rolls her eyes at you. 

The night went on and Hailey tried to swallow her jealousy, focusing on spending time with Steph. Steph sometimes disappeared into conversation with her boyfriend, though. And the guy with the weird - apparently Finnish - name, he looked as if he was there to babysit Y/N and Willy, not to party and have a good time. 

Steph eventually dragged Hailey to the dance floor with the rest of them. Y/N had even managed to get Kappy out there - with a smile. She was so charming it was annoying. 

Hailey watched as Willy and Y/N danced, tip toeing on a line between childish and slightly sexual. At one point they were jumping around, Willy twirling her around - Willy bending down to fit under her arm when she tried to twirl him around. Both laughing. A few minutes later she had her back leaning on him, his hands on her hips and her hand on the back of his neck - him bending down to leave kisses on her neck, as she giggled. 

“I’m sorry, I tried to stop this,” Steph whispered to her. Hailey shook her head smiling, like it was completely fine. “I didn’t think they’d be this drunk,” she added. Of course it was fine, she didn’t know him. But he was the reason she even came. 

Willy and Y/N had danced their way closer, so close that she could hear them talking way too loudly to each other. “Stoop, you’re giving me a boner,” Willy laughed, making Y/N throw her head back in laughter. Hailey tried to look away but couldn’t really, when she very clearly moved her hand down between their bodies - just to be stopped by Kappy grabbing her wrist.

“You two are going home, now. And not together,” he said, strictly. The two of them tried to fight him, but followed behind him - Y/N having no choice as Kappy still held onto her, having now moved down to hold her hand instead. 

They stopped in front of Hailey, Mitch and Steph, Kappy telling them that he’ll be back to pick them up. He turned out to be the designated driver - not the babysitter, even if he was that, too. Y/N reached out to give Steph a hug, but Steph stopped her at arms length, grabbing Willy, too. 

“You two need to figure out your shit, honestly. Date or stay completely platonic,” she said, just as strictly as Kappy had talked to them earlier. “I know you’ve drawn a line, but this line is becoming less prominent every time we’re out,” she added. “We’re just best friends,” Y/N whined, like she was tired of this conversation. “Just best friends don’t do that, seriously,” Steph said, letting them go. 

Twenty minutes later, Kappy was back - Mitch claiming that he was fast, too fast to have brought them to their separate places. “Yeah, Y/N fell asleep on the way there, and Willy sobered up, so I let her stay, with the promise that they’d talk in the morning,” he said, looking at Steph as she nodded to him. 

[spective90]

Medusa Complex - 1

Many people in my hometown believed that the house next to my parents’ place was destined to be empty for as long as it stood its ground. Built in 1929, the Victorian palace sat on top of the hill that cast its shadow upon the entire valley.

We think the royals lived in it before the world wars begun, where dynasties collapsed, and common people revolutionized the lands. It could have been torn down ages ago but after years of standing tall, the town has pretty much left it alone. It’s like a totem protecting Foxwood from disaster; we hadn’t had any devastation in a long time. Everybody knew about the house and its lonely reputation, so you can imagine my surprise when a black SUV pulled into its driveway one day as I returned from the grocery store, carrying a realtor and a pair of young house hunters.

“And here, as you can see, is by far the oldest house in the neighborhood,” the realtor said as he exited the car, “I figure this relic might not be ​exactly​ what you’re looking for, but if you’re going to move to Foxwood, this is a nice part of its history–”

“Well, we’re open to buying any property at this point, Mr. Lorem,” a middle-aged man said, climbing out of the back seat, his voice loud and deep. His skin fair, he sported long, ginger hair with a trimmed beard, and dressed nicely. He rounded the vehicle as the realtor waited by the cobblestone stairs, and opened the door for who I assumed to be his wife.

The first thing I noticed were her black pumps and silk tights as she climbed out of the car. I tried to keep my eyes on what I was doing as I gathered bags from the back of Waylen’s sedan, but despite myself, I looked again as soon as I heard the door close.

The woman, tanned and lean, wore white-framed sunglasses and a matching summer dress. Her hair was dirty blonde and she carried herself confidently beside her husband while he led her by the arm. The action struck me as odd, and I wondered if she was older than I originally thought; I couldn’t see her face too well, but the body she had was almost criminal.

My eyes traveled over her as the three of them walked into the building, and I nearly lost my grip on one of the bags on my way up the driveway.

As soon as they disappeared, I sighed and shook my head.

“Jessie,” my brother called from inside, “You good?”

“Yeah,” I replied back, throat feeling a bit dry, “Give me a sec.”

After the last of the bags, I shut the trunk and locked it up. Our parents had tasked us to fix their house up while they went away for a bit. Its birch wood structure and wide, open backyard was definitely a sight to see; it was exactly the same as I’d remembered it to be.

I headed into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. Sitting on the couch, my brother squinted his eyes as he watched a soccer game play out.

“Hey, do you know if the house next door is for sale?” I asked him as I unscrewed the cap.

Waylen made a confused face. “The castle-looking one?” I nodded. “Uh, not that I know of. Why?”

I took a few swigs and played with the hem of my tank top. “Some couple is looking at it right now. I don’t even think the guy showing it is from around here.”

Waylen scoffed and turned to look at me. “How does that even...? So it’s not someone from the local place?”

“No. The dude kinda looks like Willy Wonka.” I thought for a second. “With glasses.”

“Heh,” Waylen chuckled, “Maybe they’re from the next town over? Darton, or something?”

“Dunbarton,” I corrected. “Maybe. Or Cozy Lake.”

My brother shook his head and turned back to the game. “We’re surrounded by rich people out here,” he grumbled. “Not gonna lie, I’m happy to get away from everything, but I think I’ll be happier when the rents get back. You can only be out here in the boonies for so long before it just... gets to you.”

I put my drink down and looked out the living room window, watching the wind tickle the flowerbeds outside. “Yeah. I just hope mom and dad find what they’re looking for on their trip,” I mumbled.

“True.” Waylen threw his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. “They deserve it, right?”

“Mhm,” I nodded and glanced towards the stairs. “Hey, I’m gonna hop in the shower. When is Laurie coming over again? Sunday?”

Laurie was his fiancée. She’d offered to help with the job since we’d first gotten out here a few days ago. “Eh... I’ll call her. She said sometime this weekend,” he confirmed, his focus torn between the TV and our conversation.

I didn’t wait for him to elaborate. The floorboards creaked as I ascended the stairs and got ready for my shower.

What I knew about this entire expedition was that we had about two months to finish it. To celebrate their anniversary, my parents bought themselves a 6-week long vacation to rekindle what had been lost while they both worked and sent us away to college.

Waylen graduated with a degree in business management and I barely finished with a degree in traditional arts this past May. All I knew heading into school was that I was good with my hands, and I liked to create things. As far as I was concerned, maybe I’d be lucky enough to be in a gallery one day.

Part of the reason I decided to come out to Foxwood again was to take a break before finding a job, and to spend time with Waylen before he went back to his suburban life outside the city. Our parents’ place was still in good condition but definitely needed some touch-ups, as the wood was stained and matted from constant weathering, and my mother was having none of it.

“Just give it a facelift, honey,” ​she’d said to me over the phone not too long ago. ​“We’ve already asked your brother to come too. Think of it as a small vacation; you’ll be there until the end of November... you don’t have to pay us anything. We just want to see what you can do with it.”

“You’re asking the twins of​ terror,”​ I said dramatically, “to give your house a makeover while you travel the country with dad?”

“Yes, thank you, Jessie. You’re a sweetheart for agreeing to do this.” I​ hadn’t— not yet, at least. ​“We love you very much.”

I didn’t seem to have much of a choice in the matter, anyway. “Love you too, mom.”

Over dinner later that night, after the pizza guy came, the two of us started spitballing ideas for any serious reparations during the next few weeks.

“So here’s what I’m thinking—” I started, twirling some spaghetti with my fork, “We start with the outside first and work our way in. It’s gonna be cold by the end of October and I really don’t wanna be out in the woods with the temperature below 30.”

“True,” Waylen agreed.

“So outside first. We can figure out colors when the sun’s up.” A flicker of light caught my eye and I turned to the living room window, watching as the people from earlier wandered outside on the Victorian house’s balcony.

“Ooo,” I hummed as I pointed. “Look. Told ya.”

My brother looked at me quizzically before catching the scene outside. He stood and walked over to the kitchen window to get a better angle. “Huh. Yeah, they’ve gotta be from Dunbarton,” he mused, taking another bite of his pizza. “Imagine if they end up buying the place? That’d upset the town for sure. Watch them knock it down and build a park over it.”

I shook my head. “No way, dude. It’s held up since the beginning of time. They’d need a ton of lawyers for all that.”

Waylen scoffed. “Well, from the looks of it, I don’t think money would be a huge problem for them...” He paused. “Do you see that guy’s wife? She’s wearing sunglasses and it’s like 6 o’clock at night.”

Furrowing my brows, I leaned forward to get a better look. Sure enough, she hadn’t taken them off, and the sun had definitely gone down since they arrived. My curiosity grew

when the woman stalked back inside, her husband still supporting her with his arm, and the realtor shuffled through a bunch of papers in his hands as he followed them.

“You think the rents would be psyched if they came back here with new neighbors?” Waylen said, wiggling his eyebrows. “Living in that house, no less.”

“Funny.”

“I mean, the dude’s got the paperwork right there,” he pointed out. He probably had a better view than I did. “Yeah, wow, I think they’re shaking hands.”

I was still highly skeptical, no matter what it looked like.

Waylen moved back into the living room and joined me on the couch. “If anything,” he said, grabbing the remote, “you’ll have some good eye candy for these next two months, right?”

“Shut up.”

[joybooth]

Vogue 73 questions with Mike Lawson and Ginny Baker

“Hey Mike, what’s going on?”

“Not much, lookin’ forward to doing this interview.”

“I am too. Are you guys ready to answer 73 questions?”

“Sure, let’s go find Ginny.”

It turned out they found her sitting on a lounge by the pool in leggings and a t-shirt.

“So, you guys just finished playing in the World Series, any regrets?”

“No, we were excited to get there again this year,” Mike answered sitting next to Ginny.

“I mean, I hate to lose, but we played hard and that’s all you can do.”

“How many baseball games do you think you’ve played in your life?”

“For me? I have no idea. I’ve been playing since I was 5. That’s 35 years, between little league, AA, AAA and the majors? Let’s just say a lot,” Mike laughed.

“Same, minus 10 years,” Ginny added.

“Which of your competitors has helped you improve your game the most?”

“I would say Aaron Judge, a great hitter always makes me work that much harder for a strike.”

“Nolan, Nolan Arenado. I like to steal, but he keeps me honest.”

“If you could play any other sport, what would it be?”

“Tennis?” Ginny shrugged.

“I’ve always liked hockey.”

“Past or present who would you love to play with?”

“I gotta say Babe Ruth,” Mike said.

“For me, Cy Young or Yogi Berra.”

“What’s are you superstitious about?”

“I like a certain practice cage. I don’t know if it is a superstition, but I always go for that one if it’s available, and Mike used to sleep with his bat on game days.”

“Where do you go when you need to relax?”

“If I told you that, it wouldn’t be relaxing anymore,” Mike joked.

“We spend a lot of time at home, but we just took a vacation to Baja and that was really nice.”

“What is your nickname?”

“I call him old man.���

“And I call her rookie.”

“Who is the funniest person you know?”

“Dwayne,” Ginny answered after a moment of thought.

Mike nodded. “He is great. We were at a fundraiser for his foundation the other day, and everyone at the table was laughing crying.”

“Wait, do you mean Dwayne Johnson?” the interviewer asked.  

“Yeah, we met at the Espys and get together every now and then. He throws a great BBQ every year.”

“OK, what is your go to karaoke song?”

“Baker loves anything by Beyoncé or Katy Perry. I stick to the Eagles and Duran Duran.”

“What song always makes you want to dance?”

“He is right. I love Katy Perry and Beyoncé, but Uptown Funk is my jam.”

“I don’t dance much, but no one can resist Love Shack.”

“What is your walk out song?”

“I have a mix I listen to, it’s mostly instrumentals to help me clear my head.”

“I go for the classic, eye of the tiger.”

“If you could only read one book from now on, what would it be?”

“Treasure Island has been my favorite for a long time. I’ve read it 5-6 times, and I wouldn’t mind reading it again.”

“That is really hard for me, because I don’t read things more than once very often, but… I’m going to say Esperanza Rising. I know it is a kid’s book, but I still have the copy I read in 5th grade. Someday I want to be able to share it with my kid.”

“Most absurd rule in baseball?”

“It’s not really a written rule, but there is this thing where everyone must be involved in am on-field fight. When Gin went after the Mountain, our assistant coach had to walk out there and hold onto the other coach. These guys are in their 60’s hugging on the field so it is nice and even numbers. I mean I get it, but it can look pretty silly.”

“Describe your style in one word?”

“Comfy?” Ginny ventured.

“If you could raid anyone’s closet who would it be?”

“David Beckham,” Mike answered quickly.

“Serena Williams.”

“Any hidden talents?”

“I love to knit.”

“No kidding. I can’t tell you how many times she got me with one of her needles on the bus.”

“On purpose?”

“No, he is just clumsy and doesn’t look before he sits down.”

“I did get some cute hats and that blanket over there out of it, though.” He gestured to a knit blue and white blanket with a Padre’s logo on it draped over a leather chair.

“Looks nice, now for a hard one. What is love?”

“Baby don’t hurt me?” Mike joked, Ginny batted his arm. “No, seriously, love is different for different for different people but for me, it is a commitment to something that you care deeply about.”

“That and finding someone to see the best in you even when you can’t see it in yourself.”

“What is the most romantic thing you’ve done for each other?”

“He leaves me notes in my locker on days when we don’t work together.”  

“She rubs my back.”

“Best or worst pick up line someone has ever used with you?”

“I thought it was funny when this guy said, I was so distracted by you that I ran into that wall over there. So, I am going to need you name and phone number for insurance purposes.”

“Who said that?” Mike asked.

“Never mind, what’s yours?”

“A girl just walked up, put her hand out and asked me I could hold it while she went for a walk.”

“Did you?” the interviewer asked.

“I did,” Mike smiled, then he reached out and squeezed Ginny’s hand.  

“Who was your childhood crush?”

“This guy.”

“She finally admits it. She had my poster on her wall, but now I have hers too.”

“What was the last show you binged?”

“We just got done rewatching all of Brooklyn 99.”

“He was a thing for Rosa.”

“She does too.”

“I mean, doesn’t everyone?”

“Name one thing you can’t live without.”

“Air?” Mike joked.

“A good wifi network,” Ginny groaned. “I hate when I’m on the road and we finally get to a hotel and they have super slow internet. I just want to relax and watch Youtube or scroll tumblr.”

“Name something you are terrible at.”

“Bowling,” Ginny answered.

“I suck at word games, scrabble, boggle, all that stuff. She usually beats me by at least 100 points.”

“What is the most nervous you’ve ever been?”

“My first game in the majors.”

“Same. Mine, not hers. I wasn’t really nervous for her because we didn’t know each other, but I remember almost blacking out the first time I walked onto the field.”  

“Name one bad habit you just can’t break.”

“I bite my fingernails, so I have to keep them super short, but that’s fine, because I would have to for pitching anyway.”

“I am an emotional shopper. When things aren’t going well in life, I use retail therapy way too much.”

“He is not kidding. The good thing is he cleans his closet out once every six months and donates a lot of impulse buys to charity.”

“Craziest fan moment?” “A lady told me she named her baby after me and asked me to sign her. I signed her little shirt, but it was a little weird.”

“What is one phrase you use too much?”

“I’m just sayin’. She keeps reminding me how much it annoys her, but it just rolls off my tongue.”

“That’s ok, I always say my bad, and he hates that, so we are even.”

“If you could be any animal, what would it be?”

“I want to say something bad ass, but really I’m a house cat.”

“I can totally see that. I am a… a bear, but mostly because I just want to sleep and be left alone sometimes.”

“Can you say something in a different language?”

“Que bola? Its Cuban for what’s up. I picked it up from Livan.”

“I speak some Indonesian, from my mom. Tidak apa apa is no worries, which is what I use most in like everyday conversation.”

“What is one cause you care deeply about?”

“It is hard to name one, but I work a lot with our local children’s hospital,” Mike answered.

“I support NAACP legal defense fund, Equal justice initiative and the African wildlife foundation.”

“How do you celebrate your wins?”

“Ice cream or beer depending on the day.”

“How do you deal with loses?”

“I try to figure out what went wrong, so I can do it differently next time,” Ginny said thoughtfully.

“How do you deal with haters?”

Ginny laughed, “You just gotta block’em out.”

“If you could redo one game which would it be?”

“The game where I messed up my knee the first time.”

“Yeah, when I almost got the no hitter and instead messed up my arm, that was pretty bad.”

“Besides baseball what would you like to be remembered for?”

“Being a good person.”

“If you weren’t baseball players, what else would you be?”

“I would do something with cars.”

“I would do something with history? Teaching or maybe be an anthropologist?”

“Do you have a pregame ritual?”

“I have a pump mix but mostly I like to meditate and mentally prepare. I usually go over the lineup one last time with Mike.”

“How many MLB teams can you name in ten seconds?”

“The Padres, the Braves, the Dodgers, the A’s, the Rockies, the Yankees, Sox, Cubs, Phillies, Astros, Mariners…”

Mike took over, “Jays, Giants, Angels, Brewers…”

“And that’s time, good job. Name the best baseball player who ever lived.” “Babe Ruth.”

“Willie Mays.”

“If you could only eat one thing forever, what would it be?”

“Pizza?” Mike answered.

“Burgers, but they have to come with fries,” Ginny chimed in.

 “What movie always makes you cry?”

“Field of dreams.”

“The Lion King.”

“What movie makes you scream in terror?”

“My friends dragged me to the Omen once, which was pretty scary, but mostly I don’t watch scary movies.”

“I watched the exorcist way too young, and that pretty much put me off scary movies for life.”

“What is the most inspirational sports film of all time?”

“I always liked Cinderella Man with Russel Crow.”

“I really liked the Life of Pi.”

“Who do you want to play you in the movie of your life?”

“I don’t know that they would make a movie of my life, but when they make hers I think Ryan Gossling is a good choice, or Ryan Reynolds, or any of the Marvel Chrises.”

“If they made a movie… I would say… Letitia Wright maybe?”

“What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?”

“As a kid I broke my ankle trying to do a skate board trick,” Mike scratched the back of his neck and flushed slightly.

“What is one skill you wish you had but you don’t?”

“I am trying to learn to cook, but Mike still does it most of the time.”

“If you were a super hero, what would your name be?”

“Black Diamond.”

“Beard-Man.”

“Who’s your most famous follower on twitter?”

“I don’t have a twitter.”

“A lot of people follow me to hear about Ginny, I would say Anna Kendrick is the most famous.”

“You travel a lot for work, what are three things you take with you everywhere?”

“My headphones, a neck pillow, and my phone charger.” “Same.”

“Do you have an pets?”

“We have a dog,” Ginny whistled, and a mini pie ball dachshund call running out. “This is Chip. I named her after the cup from beauty and the beast. She is a super sweet girl.”

“What’s your zodiac sign?”

“I am a Libra and Ginny is a Leo.”

“What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?”

“He likes coffee or half-baked and I like Cherry Garcia.”

“What’s one household chore you hate to do?”

“We both hate the dishes, so we do them together, so we can get it over with quickly.”

“Do you have any collections?”

“I have a snow globe collection, and Mike collects baseball memorabilia.”

“Who is more competitive?“

“Me!” they both said quickly, then looked at the other and laughed.

  “What is your go to date night?”

“We like to go see comedians.”

“He just got us tickets to see Ali Wong for our anniversary.”

“If you could go anywhere on vacation where would it be?”

“We are going to Kenya next month, and I am really excited about that,” Ginny answered.

“Me too.”

“What is your love language?”

“I like acts of service and words of affirmation,” Mike answered seriously for once.

“and for me, it is quality time.”

“Sleep in or rise early?”

“Sleep in!” Mike grinned.

“Read a book or watch TV?”

“Watch tv,” they agreed.

“Kiss or hug?”

“Kiss,” they both snapped.

“Strength training or cardio?”

“Cardio,” Ginny answered automatically

“I like strength training,” Mike added.

“You guys recently got married, what was the biggest change?”

“Not really anything? We already lived together.”

“Calling him my husband, is weird sometimes.”

“What was your favorite part of the wedding?”

“When we left?” Ginny laughed.

“What kind of cake did you have?”

“Just plain yellow cake with chocolate frosting,” Mike answered.

“Who caught the bouquet?”

“My agent, Amelia.”

“What song was your first dance to?”

“Unforgettable.”

“What are you doing today?”

“We’re going to the farmer’s market, then coming home for dinner with some friends.” Ginny answered, walking toward the door.

“Can I come along?”

Ginny made a face. “No, thanks for stopping by though.”

[porkchop-ao3]

RickCon’18: Part 2/3

Part one, Part three

I didn't know what else to do, so I followed the crowd. I allowed myself to get swept up in the sea of bodies, treading on toes and getting mine trodden on too. This area definitely seemed clothing-oriented, as I passed stalls selling t-shirts, accessories, and what seemed to be cosplay outfits. I managed to break off from the current to stop at one of the stalls. I browsed through a display of buttons, each one adorned with Rick or Morty based designs, some simply had their faces, some had little quotes or jokes, most of which flew right over my head. I supposed you had to be a Rick… I picked one up with Rick's face on with the words “wubba lubba dub dub”, whatever the hell that meant, and paid the Morty running the stall for it before attaching it to my t-shirt. I figured I should at least be wearing one piece of merchandise, considering I was at RickCon.

 I continued on through the convention center, being stopped once or twice by different Ricks asking if I'd like to exchange dimension codes. It took me until the third time to realise that this was a form of flirting, not just a polite question. I quickly stopped giving out the number on my wristband willy-nilly and prayed that nothing would come of it later. I figured I'd make the most of the strange day and snapped a few pictures with some of the more unique looking Ricks and Mortys; by the time I'd made it to the food area, my camera was filled with pictures. I had photos with a Rick that appeared to be half lizard, a Rick with two heads (and he'd kindly informed me that it wasn't all he had two of), a Morty holding a bunch of cats and a teenage Rick with an elderly Morty.

 I decided to grab myself a cup of tea and take a moment to sit down. I (literally) bumped into a Rick with a bowl cut and bucked teeth on my way over to the seating area. He apologised profusely, even though it was my fault. After making sure he was okay I asked if I could take a picture with him, to which he bashfully agreed, before I let him get on with his day. He was the first mild mannered Rick I'd met all day, and I wanted a photo for proof of his existence so next time Tailor Rick told me it was just in his nature to be rude, I could rub it in his face.

 Sitting alone at a table with my cup of tea gave me plenty of time to people watch. I still hadn't quite wrapped my head around the place, considering I'd only learned about this crazy multidimensional stuff a mere few days ago. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I even fully believed it, I was just going with the flow and ignoring the urge to pinch myself at every new Rick I set eyes on. One was coming right for me, with bulging muscles and a tank top.

 “Wh-what’s up, hot stuff? Saw you at that your lit- your little fashion show.” He said as he approached, taking a seat opposite me and giving me a charming smile.

 “Oh? I thought I recognised you.” I lied, though only out of politeness and because I didn't know what else to say.

 “Couldn't buy anything, of course. None of it'd fit me, you know? Too- too swole.” He said casually, leaning his elbows on the table in a way that accentuated his biceps. I stared for a while, keeping my expression neutral. “I keep telling the guys that run the con; get uh, get some stuff that runs in men's sizes.” He grinned. I laughed, again, mostly out of politeness.

 “So, you come every year?” I asked, and he nodded.

 “Yeah. I actually run a panel most years. Health related, obviously. This year's is on protein shakes, I came up with a new formula, i-i-it's vodka flavoured so I figured it'd be more popular this year.” He explained, and I raised my brows. So, alcohol abuse really wasn't just a Tailor Rick thing. “You should come along, there's gonna be free samples, special offers, and for you, I'll throw in a couple demonstrations.” He winked.

 “Demonstrations?” I questioned.

 “Exercise. I'll uh, I'll be doing pushups and shit, I gotta show that my shakes actually work. Plus, they'll be edu-educational. There'll be plenty of tips.”

 “Oh…” I chuckled and shook my head. “Do I look like I'm into exercise?” I joked, and Rick looked my body up and down, from what he could see with the table in the way.

 “You look like you've got potential.” He concluded thoughtfully, and I didn't quite know what to make of that.

 “Is this guy bothering you?” A hand came down on the table between us, I trailed my eyes up the sleeve of the lab coat the person was wearing (which I'd quickly realised was a staple piece of most Ricks’ wardrobes) to find a lady looking down at me, raising her brow.

 “Oh, no, it's-” I started.

 “Erica, baby, I didn't think you were coming this year.” Buff Rick exclaimed, gaining an eye roll from this Erica person.

 “I told you I wasn't, I-I-I was hoping I wouldn't bump into you. But uh… here we are.” She sighed.

 “Jesus, you get more and more hostile as you get older.”

 “And you get dumber and dumber, move. Gimme that seat. I need a sit down, my knees are fucked.” She grumbled, and to my surprise she got her way. “All those steroids must really be messing with you, you can barely call yourself a Rick these days.”

 “Steroids? Th-that's bullshit, Erica. I got these babies from hard work, discipline, and All Rick's Protein Juice.” He bragged, flexing his arms.

 “Sure. I'm getting a headache; don't you have a panel to prepare for?” Erica asked dryly. Rick opened his mouth, looking ready to deny it, but paused for a second.

 “Actually, yeah. I-I should probably get on that, huh? Can I count on you to be there?”

 “I don't know, I saw a thing about Mortys writing fanfiction that seemed right up my alley.” Erica replied, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

 “I'll keep my eye out for you, Erica.” He said regardless, pointing at her as he walked backwards away from the table. He gave me a wink before turning around and disappearing into the crowds.

 “Jesus. I-I-I've met a lot of Ricks in my day, and that guy?” She shook her head. “Total idiot.”

 I studied the woman in front of me for a while, trying to figure out who exactly she was. Was she a Rick's sister? Someone cosplaying as a Rick? I wasn't quite sure, and even less sure about how to ask. Luckily, she must've read my confusion in my expression.

 “Smile, sweet cheeks. I-I-I don't like the way you're looking at me.” She teased, pulling something out of her inside pocket. It was a flask. “Yes, I'm a Rick… of sorts. Total sausage fest in here, huh? Nice to see more of the fairer sex showing their faces here.”

 “Oh! Right, yeah, I've passed maybe two or three women since I've been here.” I agreed, once again looking out over the sea of Ricks and Mortys as I had a sip of tea. Erica had a sip of her own drink; by the smell of it, some kind of hard liquor.

 “Most Ricks only bring th-their fuck buddies. Which one are you banging?” She asked. “That bodybuilder guy?” She added, raising her brow.

 “Oh, no! Not him… not any of them.” I admitted, and she laughed.

 “Right, damn it. Thought I might have someone to talk about h-how bad he was.”

 “I'm sorry?”

 “That guy. Muscles. Total fucking Neanderthal in the sack, he-he's like a sex machine and not in a good way. It's like he only knows one rhythm and speed… h-honestly I'm surprised, Ricks are usually better-” she rambled, glancing off past my head as she got absorbed in her descriptions.

 “Alright, I get it.” I interrupted, chuckling.

 “Anyway, h-he's been clingy as hell ever since. I'd stay away, i-if I were you.” She advised, and I shook my head in amusement.

 “Noted.”

 “So, you're not boning any Ricks? That's tough. If you ever wanna taste of what we've got to offer, and uh, forget about what I just said; we don't all suck… I'm happy to pop your Sanchez cherry.” She smirked at me, and I chuckled again, a little embarrassed this time.

 “No, that's okay… Thank you. I'm perfectly happy just, ah, remaining firmly in the acquaintance zone with Ricks.” I said apologetically, offering her a little smile. “I don't know how long I'd be able to keep my sanity, you know? All of this is very overwhelming.” I gestured to the space around us, and she glanced around looking incredulous.

 “Uhh… if you don't mind me asking; you're clearly new to all this. How the fuck did you end up at RickCon if you don't really know any Ricks?” She questioned, leaning forwards on the table interestedly.

 “The Rick from my dimension needed my help with something. He runs a charity auction, selling clothes. I modelled for him.” I explained, and she nodded.

 “Oh right, yeah, the fashion show thing I kept hearing wh-whispers about. I heard Ice Cream Rick got shafted in there by the whole damn room.” She laughed, shaking her head. I frowned, and so she explained. “Ice Cream Rick? Guy in the pink shirt. Uhhh… ponytail, stupid little beard?” She gestured to her chin, and it suddenly clicked.

 “Ohh! I felt so guilty about that! He was saying something to me when it happened… how awkward.” I said, shaking my head and feeling my cheeks warm up.

 “I'm not surprised. Too- too many Rick's think with their dicks. That's golden.” She grinned, then took a peek at her wrist watch. “Anyway, I gotta head off. S-supposed to be meeting Morticia soon, she wants me to go to the humanoid robotics panel, she wants me to build her an anatomically correct android friend.” She said, using air quotes for that last word whilst rolling her eyes. I didn't question her further.

 “It was nice speaking to you, Erica. Uhh, would you mind if we got a photo together?” I asked, holding up my carera with a little smile on my face. She grinned again.

 “Of course not, doll. Bring it in.” She said, holding her arm out towards me. I stood up and she wrapped her arm around my waist as I took our photo.

 “Thank you!” I said, and she waved her hand dismissively.

 “Hey uh, what's your name?” She asked, and I answered without skipping a beat. I found it funny how names just weren't exchanged naturally here, since almost everyone had the same name anyway. “Alright, nice to meet you, (y/n). Maybe we'll bump into each other again?” She said, though looking around at the amount of people here, I doubted we would.

 “Maybe. Enjoy the con!” I replied.

 “You too, sweetie.” She nodded before heading off.

 After she'd gone I realised my tea had almost fallen to an unpleasant temperature, so I quickly drank up the last of it and disposed of my cup in the bin nearby. Again, I found myself with the daunting feeling of not quite knowing what to do with myself. Someone had left a booklet on a table close to me, which I recognised to be the day's itinerary along with a map of the convention center, so I picked it up and had a look through. I wasn't surprised when lot of it went completely over my head;

 Plumbus 101: How to get the best out of yours!

 The Flesh Curtains: Live Performance and Q and A.

 Is Jerry All That Bad? A Debate.

 Lost the Spark? An introduction to sexual cybernetic enhancements. (18+)

 Pocket Morty Battles. Bring your best! (RickCon ‘18 cannot be held liable for loss or damages resulting from Morty battles.) 

 And that wasn't even all of them, the list filled up the whole page. I stuffed the booklet in my back pocket and decided I'd simply walk through the convention until I found something interesting.

 Tbc.

[talhaghafoor2019-blog]

10 Best Country Albums of 2018 - Top New Country Music of the Year

You'll Find No Trucks or Cold Ones On The 10 Best Country Albums of 2018

Eric Church scorched, Willie Nelson passed on wisdom, and Ashley McBryde broke out.

By Madison Vain

Country music fans sure do love an outlaw.

Lucky for them, 2018 delivered excellent sets from a variety of rule breakers, new and old. From Ashley McBryde's rollicking debut to Willie Nelson's enchanting Last Man Standing, Kacey Musgraves' LSD-induced meditations to the Pistol Annies hell raising hootenanny, and Brothers Osborne's guitar god antics to Eric Church's profound ire—Music City proved it's still got plenty of weirdos willing to pick up a six string and try new things. With not a tractor, a cold one, or a pair of cut-offs in sight, these are the 10 best country records of the year.

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10 Devin Dawson — Dark Horse

Devin Dawson may favor himself an underdog, but take one listen to his razor-sharp debut and you'll cry bullshit. The California native—raised near the country music hallowed grounds of Folsom Prison—first gained buzz last year with his easy-listening “All On Me." And in a twist far too rare, when Dark Horse arrived in January, the set did more than just make good on the hit’s promise. With a confident swirl of pop, rock, and R&B, it signaled the arrival of a young, heavily-tatted and quick-witted future heavyweight.

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9 Ashley McBryde — Girl Going Nowhere

Ashley McBryde opens her major label debut with a whispered anthem about perseverance. “And where they said I’d never be is exactly where I am,” she remarks from her mic stand on the title track, her Texas-sized alto barely raised. At 35, McBryde’s no ingenue, and that serves her well across the album's 11 tracks, all of which bear her name in the writing credits. She sings with a worldliness and remarkable control, even when she lets her rock bonafides roll on cuts like “Radioland” and “Livin’ Next to Leroy.” They might have called her “girl going nowhere,” but we think we’ll stick with boss.

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8 John Prine — The Tree of Forgiveness

John Prine made his name many decades ago writing sad songs. Have you ever emerged from a listening of “Sam Stone” with dry eyes? Doubt it! But at 71 and with his first batch of new tunes in more than a decade, the songwriter seems to have found a modicum of peace. (Cue “When I Get to Heaven,” which delights in his plans for the afterlife: “I’m gonna get a cocktail: vodka and ginger ale,” he confides over a kazoo and a playful barroom piano. “Yeah, I’m gonna smoke a cigarette that’s nine miles long.”) Two bouts with cancer, plus his formerly enthusiastic nicotine habit, have weathered Prine’s tenor mightily, but the wear feels appropriate, here, as he extols the value of community (“Knockin’ on Your Screen Door”) and invites a perhaps wayward soul to “come on home” (“Summer’s End”). Produced by Dave Cobb and lifted with backing vocals from disciples like Jason Isbell, Amanda Shires, and Brandi Carlile, The Tree of Forgiveness is a straightforward, honest album that releases into a world in desperate need for the truth.

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7 Brothers Osborne — Port St. Joe

T.J. and John Osborne first introduced themselves in 2015 with their swaggering, Jay Joyce-produced collection Pawn Shop. That set landed them coveted opening slots on tours like Dierks Bentley’s and spawned several Top 40 country airplay hits. But their follow-up blows the door right off that barn. A blistering mix of Southern rock, outlaw, and traditional country, it doesn’t just rock, Port St. Joe flat out cooks. Case in point: the frenetic “Shoot Me Straight,” which begs a love interest to “lay my six-foot four-inch ass out on the ground.” The lyrics drop out halfway through the song's six-plus minute runtime making room for a funky, beard-burning guitar solo. Look out.

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6 Willie Nelson — Last Man Standing

Well into the sixth decade of his remarkable career, the Red Headed Stranger proves he’s still got a few surprises nestled under the fold of that bandana. Across Last Man Standing's 11 songs, Nelson offers a master class in frank storytelling as he considers dementia (“Don’t Tell Noah”), aging (“Bad Breath”), and all the friends he’s lost along the way (“Last Man Standing”) over a delightful blend of Western swing, honky tonk, and roadhouse blues. His reedy tenor may have lost some of its bluster, but none of its charm. “It’s not something you get over,” he practically exhales halfway through the set, considering a life that’s witnessed plenty of loss, “But it’s something you get through.” How lucky we’ve been to have his catalog as we’ve all done the same.

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5 Dierks Bentley — The Mountain

“I’m a little bit steady, but still little bit rollin’ stone,” Dierks Bentley admits on the opening track of his expansive ninth LP, The Mountain. “I’m a little bit heaven, but still a little bit flesh and bone.” It’s that embrace of duality that has led the Arizona native to rarely-charted lands in country music: the top of the charts (a place Bentley finds frequently) with artistic vision firmly intact. Credit goes to the 41-year-old’s heady mix of earnestness and confidence, both of which are on display all across the 2018 set. While most of his industry peers are still dropping lines about hot young things in cutoff shorts, Bentley digs into the importance of family (“My Religion”), the transformative powers of love and monogamy (“Woman, Amen”), and the hard-won perspective found in his forties (“Travelin’ Light”). Amen is right.

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4 Kacey Musgraves — Golden Hour

With sequined boots and a side-eyed glance at her surroundings, Kacey Musgraves announced herself as a preternaturally deft scribe on 2013's Same Trailer Different Park. Cut to 2018 and you’ll find a remarkable shift in focus: On Golden Hour, her brilliant third LP, which just took home a CMA Album of the Year award, the Texas renegade casts her gaze inward. She enchants with effervescent meditations on love (“Butterflies,” “Love Is a Wild Thing”) and provokes with reverb-heavy meditations on the curves and edges of her personality (“Slow Burn,” “Lonely Weekend,” “Happy & Sad”). But she’s at her best when she dares to get weird, be that on stream-of-consciousness-style “Mother,” which the 30-year-old wrote while tripping on LSD, or the disco bear hug “High Horse,” one of the most profoundly irresistible cuts to release this year.

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3 Brandi Carlile — By The Way, I Forgive You

For the filigree songsmith’s sixth album, the masterfully titled By The Way, I Forgive You, Brandi Carlile also enlisted Music City producer du jour Dave Cobb (Jason Isbell, Chris Stapleton) as well as his frequent cohort Shooter Jennings for production. The result is the most punched-up, visceral set of her career. In the lead-up to the record's release, Carlile posted a note on social media reflecting on a particularly painful moment in her youth: The pastor at her community's Baptist church refused to baptize her as a teenager on the account of her sexuality. He announced his decision in front of all her gathered friends and family. Those scars inform the brilliant, “The Joke,” undeniably a career-song for Carlile, that served as the set’s first single. “I have been to the movies,” she sings, voice breaking. “I’ve seen how it ends/And the joke’s on them.” Ain’t that the truth.

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2 Eric Church — Desperate Man

When Eric Church returned with October’s excellent Desperate Man, he came with a heck of a lot of soul and two middle fingers pointed way up at expectation and convention. He spat at the American Dream (“Drowning Man”), cursed at the corrupt government lot (“The Snake”), and brazenly declared himself a “don’t-push-me grown-ass man” (“Desperate Man”). He folded swamp rock, psych, and funk into his unique brand of heartland rock and even landed one of the most lovesick songs of his career (“Heart Like a Wheel”). Six albums in, The Chief is in full command of his talents. Don’t miss out.

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1 Pistol Annies — Interstate Gospel

In recent interviews, Miranda Lambert has made quips about the stats of her trio, which goes by Pistol Annies and includes Ashley Monroe and Angaleena Presley: "We have two ex-husbands," she's said, "two husbands, two kids, one on the way, and 25 animals." Referring to the very real lives of its members, her answer is funny, cutting, and true—much like the music the three scribes create together. Splitting up appears a number of times on Interstate Gospel, the best country record to release in 2018 and one of the finest collections of the decade. Their treatment can be heartbreaking, like on the woeful laments "When I Was His Wife" and "Masterpiece." At others moments, it's laugh out loud funny, as it is on the spunky "Got My Name Changed Back." Occasionally and impressively, like on "Best Years of My Life," it's both. You'll be hard-pressed not to chuckle as your eyes water. Humorous writing has a long and storied tradition in country music—just peep the back catalogs of Loretta, Dolly, and Willie, amongst others—and the Annies carry the mantle more mightily than just about anyone else working today. Along with those visits to the courthouse to restore their pre-marital identities, they spin the "stop, drop, and roll" method of putting out a fire into their recommended coping mechanism for digesting a world up in flames: "stop drop and roll one," they sing, recommending a joint, on a song of the same name. On the shimmying "Sugar Daddy" they spool a redneck fantasy of a man with deep pockets and "a rifle in the rack of his Cadillac." And on the title track they land the line "even old Moses was a basket case." But elsewhere, the album tackles prescription pills, mid-life crises, and life as willful women in "10 cent towns." It's a celebration of the female experience, scars and all, and a phenomenal ode to the ties that bind us.

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This content was originally published here.

[byron1]

Microwave door bouncer to keep you from eating garbage. "Where do we Go now" guns & roses/ picking a restaurant Fallout joke: I was at work while you cheating all day. Punchline: I never even got to cheat AND she would tell me about her bounty EVRyday SKIT: Danielle cooking pie (or anything really) and you have headphones on improve rapping to her and it sounds good to me but cut to her with no music and she looks at me very annoyedly Opener: Walks on stage, grabs mic and lays down. "Instead of stand up up I'm gonna try "lay down", it's way more comfortable.. That joke needs a Mitch headberg voice" repeat joke in Mitch headberg voice "com-fort-able" Hotel TV remotes have never been cleaner. Everybody on the phone watching porn and Netflix. The last person to use a hotel remote for porn died years ago Terminator cop in San Diego -what it felt like on mushrooms (terminator slo mo walk by) -what really happened (cop just walks by and shrugs) "Whenever I start dating a girl I buy her a really nice, big purse as a gift. ...Cuz she's gonna be carrying a bunch of my shit around for the next 4 1/2 months" - jack bliss Old west - duel going on in the middle of town. Mayor stops everything -"what are you guys arguing about" "is it worth dying over? I mean I can look this up on my phone" Mayor looks it up on the phone and who ever was wrong gets shot with no countdown ..Watch a little porn. Once you get too familiar with a site you drift to the lesser known porn sites ...This particular website has a top 50 viewed videos.. And you can sort em by 1 day, 7 days, 30 days, and my favorite, "all-time". ..That's just a buncha like minded individuals helpin' each other out.. But you can always tell when a bunch of likeminded weirdos find the site cuz for the 1 Day Most Viewed, it's just a ton of videos of people peein' on each other. And now it's like "maaaan, now I'm not even in the mood. AND I'm disappointed in you PornoTime, I didn't even now that was so prevalent on your site!" And it's usually on a Sunday... All you pee heathens jerkin off on the toilet with your computers on your laps should be at church! But then I'm like ".....let's see what all this hype is about" If I eat Asian food and drink a glass of milk, will I explode? Asians they don't drink milk! I think it's cuz they know. It's like when you have Indian or real African neighbors and that food smell just permeates ev-er-y thing. Unpleasant for the most part. Asians think white people smell like rotten cheese or like the cow aushwitz off the 5. <----Cowlinga. Nasty place. I was on a road trip with my wife and "she's tired" (bitchy voice) so she wants to stop for the night. At night she couldn't tell but in the morning when that sun came up?.. And that stink starts stinkin?.. She's like "oh those poor Asians. We should stop eating cheese for them" And then she puked. Friendricks Smitreaux - hands too small, not allowed in Burger King. Has quarrels. (Jack) Calling GameStop, having a nerdy conversation, with a funny voice. Rb movie voice could be a thing. Do you have x y z Round table pizza local interview podcast Wife's mom with gigantic fat pet and gets scolded by vet. Mom is pissed new underwear lint gets stuck to your dick. About to get a blowjob and she freaks out cuz there's fuzzy berries all over your jimmy wang dong. (Explain in between these sentences how fuzz sticks to your dick when you have new unwashed out of the box underwear) I've done this to my wife since we started dating "Chivalry Gone Wild" - pushing girls out of the way to open the doors for them. Later girl has chivalry ptsd (now she shivers when a guy reaches for the check at a restaurant) "Once I got roofied..." Story ensues "Once I had a crazy dream..." Story ensues Either way you're bored Went into the bank, for the candy of course, why else would you go inside these days. As I reach for the candy, the lady behind the counter says "DON'T TAKE THAT CANDY!...... It's super old.. Here take this, I have a 'secret stash' back here" I was like "You Smoke Weed, huh?" No I didn't say that, I just did the stoner laugh, which basically communicates the same message I have road rage. Like.. bad. But they're really cracking down on that now. I mean you can't even throw the bird these days. So I'm trying to advocate this, in place of the bird, you hit the rear window spray 2 times. (doesn't work if your window is dirty) I'm trying to spread this so people know I'm insulting them..... Also the "up hand", thumbs up is for assholes...... I just don't want road rage to go away, you know?! Went to the grocery store at night and someone was sleeping in the car I parked in front of. I see a middle finger come over the dash. I quickly kill my headlights and the middle finger turns into a thumbs up and recedes below the dash. I like that person.. Soccer needs timeouts like catholic priests need to be able to fuck. Flopping soccer players = selabate priests Lost lake truck sinks into water. Guy goes back for cigarettes brings one pack instead of the ENTIRE CARTON White people now can only do other ethnicities voices while reading a name. (List 3 different "ethnic" names) Buttercup story: weed in New York Trying to get a random buddy to be the third player in the game of RISK is like trying to get a random girl to come back to your house and suck you AND your buddies dicks. "Wanna play a game of risk?" Shit no Instead of people saying "Grizzly Adams DID have a beard" I think we should change it to "Kurt Cobain DID have a gun" "no I swear I don't have a gun" ...too soon?! Liqueur Control Board. Two young kids walk into a bar. They order jäger. Liquor Control comes in and says to the bartender: "do you those kids you served are underaged?" Bartender says "you're out of your Jurisdiction!!! Call the Liqueur Control Board!!" Liqueur Control Board shows up lookin like French cops "(( assholeish French accent thing here))" I work construction..... (Frown face) You THINK you want to shit in a freshly clean porta-potty. But that's not the case. You drop any size turd in that blue water and it's coming back up to splash your asshole. You need a big pile of turd to cushion the blow. I frequent a sports bar, and they allow kids in a certain section and sometimes you don't see these children behind you. So you day-drunkenly yell out "well I can't exactly tit fuck 'er, but they're perfectly shaped!" ((Rule of thirds here, needs 2 more examples)) History Lesson: •Good at art cuz no porn - there was much better art, and I mean paintings, back in the days of yore. Do you know why so many iconic paintings come from this era?! Because there was no porn. You think these guys (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Monet) weren't drawing weird sex stuff in their spare time?! Of course they were. People think porn took over in vhs days but it's gone back much further than you think Way back in the day, I don't think they had the ADA (American Dental Association), but if they did it would be The Association of Guys that Own Pliers. If you had a tooth ache in the 18th century, your barber would pull your tooth!.. Guess the barber had a set of pliers.. therefore making him.. also a dentist. Hatred for people with red hair bleed over from hatred for the Irish? I just found out I'm Irish.. My dad was adopted and he just did the genealogy thing. Piss on a stick, or something.... I may be thinking of something else.. Anyway, it makes a ton of sense cuz my mom was Swiss. And if you know anything about the Swiss, they don't tend to takes sides, (hmhrph wwii). So when I get high, I'm Swiss: "hey whatever your views man, let's just have a dialogue.. Orrr not, I really have no stance on the issue." But when I drink whiskey: ..I wanna fight people. And I'm not a big guy soooo, I try not to drink whiskey.. I try to test myself against my friends, but they are all bigger than me so it never ends well. There is one guy who's bigger than me, but I can just psychologically break him down, and it's all true so I always win. And those other big guys are around and laughing so I have some protection. Things like "good thing those chicks can't see how many times you swipe right, otherwise they would call you a "Desperate Bitch!" Or: "you're so pathetic, how do you not have a crescent wrench?!" Things like that. One Friday night, He was a coward and attacked me while I was fall over baby deer legs drunk. We shut the bar down and as we're walking out he shoves me and I go flying into the ashtray. Butts are flyin.. I was not happy with him and I think I had some whiskey that night because I plotted revenge for the next day, I say "I'm gonna fuck this guy up". Saturday morning we always go back to the bar for breakfast. He says "you gonna be at the bar for breakfast?" I say "yeah buddy, 20 minutes". That's when I start loading the quarters into the sock. But yeah, whiskey makes me angry, I guess. Did anyone notice how the hitler youth haircut came back right around the time most of the wwii vets were pretty much all dead? The hipsters were scared of some old vet having a flashback to the war. "YOU.. NAZI.. BASTARD!!!" So my wife says to me while we're in the kitchen, out of nowhere, and I quote, "yeah I drop craisins" I'm thinking this is some new thing the kids are doing. Then she points to the floor and..there is a craisin. She says "watch this" and shoves a gigantic handful in her mouth and a few fall on the floor. She then walks away Slava drug store story. "What kind of a name is that?!" Shia vs. Tink The wiener dog comes in the house, if it smells the cat, he goes crazy. (Killed the neighbor tea cup something or another) the cat hears his collar and jumps up out of range and watches us shower the dog with love. ((Cats reaction is the punchline)) "What the fuck, that dude is trying to kill me!! Benedict friggin Arnolds" Danielle: "Willy Wonka" is like "Saw" for kids Never touch a mans belt buckle. Cuz they drape their balls over them while taking a piss "Hey lesbians, do you have your gloves in the car? They said yes. Well let's get a pickup game going! Hunters heroin people story - "she's sucking his DICK!" MMA fighter goes back in time to 1907. Breaks 1907's guys wrist because of his dumb boxing stance Lady at rite aid going through gender reassignment. I use my chip and she tells me to slide. I say "yeah we're going through a transitional phase right now" instantly realize what I just said Back to the bar. Being a smoker you know everybody's car.. you've seen them come and go enough because you're that much of an alcoholic and smoke on the half hour for the six hours you're there. (Well not you, me) So you'll walk up to the bar and be like "oh hello, jacks car, let's just lift up your windshield wipers there buddy" or "oh yup, Old Man Roy parked like a dick again.." Or "Hey look! there's Kevin's truck, let's draw a dick on it". <---Another thing about being a smoker that brings me joy, is watching the horror on people's faces when they scape the plastic underneath their bumper when pulling to close to the curb. I always give a look implying "you just fucked up your bumper!" Bar, Interior: If I'm on my phone and you come sit next to me at the rail, do not get on your phone, cuz then I feel like we look like assholes and I put my phone away.. But I still have shit to do so you're really being a real monkey wrench in my operation People who do bird calls: trying to trick birds? Stock internet passwords make you seem like an insane person. Jolly ocean 3, rapid pineapple 0. An insane person looks at it and goes "....that works. No need to even change it.." Bevmo event planner needs an option for your alcoholic friends. 3 pictures. What do your friends look like at the end of the night; 1. Someone smiling 2. Hot mess 3. Just a toilet Sleeping in the wrong car overnight My wife put my jerk off blanket out for people to use. "You sicko!! You were gonna let my friends use that blanket" I'm thinking of the scenario where somebody goes to grab and I say "oh that's my baby blanket, I don't know how that got out here, let me get you another one.." And..((eyebrow)) I wouldn't be lying about the baby blanket thing. Old men's memory's are bad because their spank banks are 70 years full. Head Bobbers of Noddingham My wife said "you know how I know you're an alcoholic? Because your handwriting is shit but your numbers are beautiful. Signing tabs everyday for the last 10 years will do that" You know what really freaks out the ladies? When you immediately realize what you did wrong. You start apologizing too soon and it somehow makes things much worse. So if you one day have an immediate realization about something you did wrong... Play the dumb card for a day or 3 to make it seem like you've put deep thought into your mistake. Skinny guys dating fat chicks: what if she gets cold, how can you share your jacket?! My dad was adopted and finally did that genetics test •"spit"• hey, we're Irish. That makes a ton of sense. Too much whiskey and all of the sudden I get ridiculous agry Power went out in target. Here's how weird I am: I stole a snoop dogg cd and a Björk cd. To all women: if one is partaking upon a banana in public, use a knife. This will discourage onlookers. #yesallwomen Anyone old enough to send away "proof of purchases" for a prize from the back of a cereal box? Had to ask your mom for $2.50 to cover shipping and handling.. Waiting for it made you realize there is no true instant gratification. The waiting! Everyday: did it arrive, mother?!... No? (sulk away) then FINALLY when your 6 piece Lego set shows up you think: "I'm 27 I don't care about Legos anymore!" (Needs a tag) ((maybe:)) but I forgot to pull out when I was 21 so my 6 yr old will enjoy it) Old phone when unlocked will have a random screen of something from earlier. Sometimes it's porn. Gotta be careful Nowadays you see an old lady walking around and you think "that lady looks as old as my grandma when I was 9. She's got the old lady hair, the old lady sweater, old lady shoes, old lady jewelry" but then she has some rockin' tits! They do a "facelift" for those titties Gotta be careful watching porn with headphones. The getting caught factor isn't even what I mean, I leave one ear off for that. I only do les porn with headphones. cuz you don't need some dude "ugh ugh ugh! Oh Ya baby suck that cock" RIGHT IN YOUR ear. Not what I'm goin for there. White people always put housin sauce in the pho. Next to the bar I go to is a pho place. Smoking with Paul Teaching us how after we go in drunk.. (Housen sauces for dippin the meat)((white people put it in the broth)) "oh really?? Cut to me at home- it's delicious!!" Free bottle of siracha Pouring the old pho in the toilet ("how else do you get rid of old pho?!") How pissed off are you when someone in a Tesla SUV doesn't open their back doors? "Lemme see that back to the future sheeeit!" Old guy coughing sounds like someone taking crap to you. "What the hell did you say to me, old man?

[innytoes]

From the subconscious that brought you the Quiet AU, it's time for Inny's Brain Comes Up With Another 100k fic she's never going to write while she's dreaming.

Okay so it's the Post Apocalypse. The apocalypse happened a few years ago, there was a horrible plague that makes you bleed from your eyes and maybe some other things, a lot of humanity was wiped out, chaos, destruction, blabla.

We start with Our Heroes travelling on foot. Luke is telling them this area seems familiar, and Alex and Reggie realise they're near where Bobby's family had a cabin. They decide to veer off because Alex remembers where Bobby hid the emergency key. Not that they haven't done their fare share of breaking and entering, but it would be nice to, you know, not have to.

Also maybe they want to see if Bobby is there. Because even though they split with a lot of bad blood between them over some stolen songs, the apocalypse makes you miss old friends.

Julie and Willie are like: um excuse me that is not a cabin that is a Log Mansion. It's three fucking stories. (It also had the exact layout as my grandmother's old house, because this is my brain, which is funny because my grandmother's house was very much not a log cabin).

And then SHOCK AND GASP Bobby comes out. He has the Trevor Wilson Beard and Man Bun and is just... staring like he's seen three ghosts... and two random people he doesn't know, I guess.

There is a big sappy reunion and a big talk and apology and blabla of course they can stay. There's more cabins around the place and they've made themselves a little farming community. They trade with the other little the towns in the area, but they haven't heard much from the bigger city in the while.

"Um yeah, maybe... maybe don't go to the city," Luke says. Reggie is very pale. Willie mutters about how there was plenty of stuff that could still be looted (as long as you don't mind all the dead bodies is left unsaid).

They settle in at Bobby's house and become part of the community, finding jobs. Willie does indeed go with some of the more brave individuals to the city to search for supplies. The whole community has like one working truck because gas is hard to find these days.

Some traveling trader comes by and he's basically on a giant sled on wheels pulled by huskies and predictably Reggie loses his mind and gets to play with the doggies.

There comes a night when Reggie can't sleep, so he's the only one awake to hear the car. Two cars. A group of four with two cars is bound to mean trouble, so he wakes everyone up because there's a high chance there's raiders.

The people are breaking in and Reggie goes downstairs to greet/distract them, playing the clueless guy, welcoming them and being like 'oh hey are you lost do you need help? We're looking for a bartender if you need a job' and basically being in the way and these four people are just so confused because they broke into his house and he's so cheerful about it.

One of them was injured and Reggie more seriously offers the first aid kit and just when they were about to be like 'fuck it let's just murder him and raid the place', where comes Julie and Luke with the shot guns. Meanwhile Alex, Willie, and Bobby were checking out their cars and alerting the neighbours about trouble and OH SHIT ONE OF THEM IS BLEEDING FROM THE EYES HE'S INFECTED.

Cue fuzzy chaotic time jump because I woke up with a dry mouth lol.

For some reason Bobby disappeared from the dream after this so maybe poor Bobbers got shot in the show down with the raiders. Or got hit by the car of the other three fleeing, leaving behind their infected friend.

The gang stays in Bobby's house, though, and slowly, Juke and Willex drift together. When they were travelling, they usually all slept together, but now...

Reggie, who is still grieving Bobby, and maybe blaming himself because he wasn't good enough at distracting the raiders, sees the other two couples drift together and decides to stay out of their way. He can't sleep anyway, since he was the only one awake to catch the raiders in the first place.

So he starts sleeping less, and less, spending less time with his friends because he wanted them to have time together... Pining because he's secretly a little in love with all of them, but they clearly don't want him.

Until he was suuuper stoked because he found a puppy. It was so cute, and he wants to show his friends, and they're so freaked out because Reggie, there is no puppy...

Turns out Reggie was hallucinating from lack of sleep, and he's so confused because he's CLEARLY HOLDING A PUPPY WHAT DO YOU MEAN and then the whole thing kind of comes out and not only is Reggie heartbroken when the hallucination shatters and vanishes, but he also confesses how he's in love them with but they clearly chose their partners and not him.

And both Juke and Willex are like: we've missed you, doofus, we love you, we didn't want to make you chose between us, we were scared you were mad at us for both flirting with you.

And they all live as happily ever after as you can in the post-apocalypse.