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hangingonforwhat · 4 years

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I give the fuck up. People are beyond stupidity into a new realm of dumb I don't even have the vocabulary to begin to describe.

I literally want to hang up right now. Not because I'm depressed about myself, no. Actually I'm quite confident in my own intelligence and capabilities.

Instead I'm so dumbstruck by the outlandish, audacious, spectacular stupidity of the other human beings I'm forced to encounter on a daily basis.

People think I'm strange for not associating with, I mean literally anyone at all. I don't try to socialize whatsoever. And there's a damned good reason for it.

I am a somewhat intelligent, level headed, common sense using person who reflects on things and is thoughtful about my interactions with other people. Because I'm fairly empathetic, I often think about other people before I think of myself. I actually care whether people around me a happy, comfortable, having a good day, finding humor in life and other similar small things that take little to no effort on my part, while sometimes, occasionally, such thoughtfulness may affect someone greatly when you least expect it to. Sometimes it's the smallest of things that have the biggest impacts on how someone's entire outlook may be.

For example, I've always had a combative relationship with Police Officers. I always have, and mostly still do, think only scumbags with out of control anger issues and an inferiority complex become Police Officers.

But one time when my landlord repeatedly locked me out of my house in the middle of an eviction battle in and out of local Court. She locked me out, I broke a window and came in. She locked me out again, I broke another window, after the third time she called the police on me.

Of the officers that responded, I knew one of them from the local jail who'd known me since I was a dumb kid getting in way too much trouble. But one habit I've always had, I almost always owned up to my crimes when caught. Why bother fighting it at that point?

So when the now Sheriff's Deputy showed up, he had to arrest me for the Criminal Damage. As we're pulling away, down the street, what a surprise! My Landlord is standing outside watching me be taken to the Sheriff's Office and smirking on the sidewalk.

This Officer, whom I'd had many antagonistic encounters with as a teenager, suddenly pulls over and gets out of the car.

In that typical intimidating way, he walks straight up to my Landlord.

"so are you taking that scumbag to jail?" She asks him grinning broadly at this point.

"That's none of your business." The officer responds.

Like a firecracker my head snapped right up to watch the encounter from the back of the Police sedan.

"Did you lock Kevin out of the house?" He asks her directly.

As is typical, she denied it, used to never being questioned as a prominent business owner in the Community.

The Officer asks her if the Judge had told her not to lock me out. She said yes and again denied locking me out.

"I've known Kevin since he was a kid. He may be a lot of things but he's NEVER lied to me. So you're you're telling me suddenly he's lying to me after admitting to breaking the windows?"

The look of surprise in the woman's eyes was priceless. Clearly she's not used to being challenged by ANYONE.

I'm sure my own surprise wasn't well hidden either, but he didn't even stop there.

"If I hear from Kevin you locked him out one more time, I'll personally come here and drag your ass kicking and screaming to jail! You got that?"

My Landlord's pale face, a mix of fear, shock and indignation is something I'll never forget.

The ride to the Sheriff's Office continued in complete silence, and later I thanked him honestly. Something I'd never done with any seriousness before. One of my years long antagonists had actually stood up for me and I was stunned. I had always been used to Officers being completely indifferent as to whether I was innocent or guilty of a crime, I was just someone without the money or family to fight a case, with a criminal record who was easy to pin crimes on and make themselves look good.

But this Officer, he was an honest person. And despite the years of antagonism between us, looking back it never was more than a sort of a years long guy thing,a territorial pissing contest within our community. But we'd never had any outright hatred of any kind. We mostly just played our parts. I was the Good for nothing druggy criminal, and he was the Officer. We were supposed to be antagonistic.

But in that moment with my landlord, he showed himself to be an honest person with a true belief in a idea of fairness and Justice that meant something to him if no one else.

And that's what I mean when I say it can sometimes be the smallest of gestures on your part, some little thoughtful, honest, or kind thing you do for someone, and maybe you end up reviving a person's entire idea of what being members of a Community of any kind is all about.

But despite the fact that I have now been doing my best to live my life that way, to always treat people, not just with basic respect, that should be a given. But rather with human dignity. To recognize that we're all human, we're all part of a Community in one way or another, and we should treat each other like good neighbors, not with the thoughtless disrespect and cruelty that has become so much a part of daily life in a way I don't think it was even just twenty years ago.

People treat each other worse that rival predators in the wild. It's reached a level of stupidity and absurdity I never imagined it ever could.

It's so depressing to think this is how people think it's okay to treat each other. They speak condescendingly and disrespectfully, they steal from one another, take advantage of each other, and act like being rude is a necessity to survive in even the most benign of situations.

Everyone is just so sickeningly cruel and agressive that honestly, I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of pretending like this is Okay or normal. No there's nothing fucking normal about spending all day surfing the web just to find opportunities to talk down to other people just because you feel like shit about yourself. Maybe you wouldn't feel like your soul is one big dumpster fire if you, oh I don't know, didn't go around trying to make everyone around you feel like shit? I don't know, just an idea, maybe try something different one day and see if you keep feeling like a bucket of worthless scum.

Maybe don't jack your neighbors cash when they leave their door open for little while one day. Maybe don't give that disgusted look at your waitress, as if she were some cockroach to be stepped on just because she asked you a question you already gave the answer to. How do you know that's not her first day or maybe her kids sick or her husband left? Not that it would matter, most people I come across could give a shit less as long as they feel that boost of feeling superior to someone else momentarily.

We live in a society obsessed with causing as much pain, suffering and hurt as possible. Why would anyone want to live in a world like this????

Sickened doesn't even remotely begin to describe how I feel about the people I encounter day to day. Most are just a bunch of assclown jackals waiting to pounce on the first injured, sick, or tired person they see.

How could anyone be happy living amidst this culture of inflicting as much suffering on others as possible?

I'm no angel. I've don't fucked up shit before, without a doubt. Though I always had a conscience about it and I never did it just because I enjoyed inflicting damage on others.

I'm in no mood to speculate on how or why our society has gotten this bad. All I know is I feel like trash just existing in it. I feel contaminated by it. I want no part of it but there's literally no where to run! Where you going to go that isn't becoming, or already is like I described? It's everywhere and those of you few people like me left on this Earth, you know damned well what I'm saying is true.

I don't know. Obviously I don't like it for my own selfish reasons, but I also always hated seeing another person powerless to bullying. But I mean, what are you supposed to do about it in a society where even most of the people tasked with protecting us are even more cynical than most!?!?!? Our own Government bullies the powerless. The privileged bully the non-privileged, and many people go around trying to bully anyone and everyone who isn't in a position to fight back.

Fuck all of it. I just want out. I want out now

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adriennescomingbacktolife · 4 years

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(II)

Gasping for air, Adrienne stared up at the lights. Her jaw was sore. She had a splitting headache. She’d been elbowed, kicked, and dropped on her face. Her shoulders were pinned to the mat for that all important three seconds. However, Adrienne couldn’t help smiling as the official, she hadn’t caught his name, checked in on her. Supermassive Black Hole echoed throughout the empty arena as Starburst celebrated in her peripheral vision.

Adrienne Levi had lost. But she certainly didn’t feel like a loser that night. And she wanted to tell Danny all about it. But he was so busy, and she didn’t want to be a bother. And besides, Magnificent Danny Levi didn’t believe in moral victories. So that evening as the show continued in the background, she opted not to. When he found out, Danny would surely bring it up and she’d cross that road then.

Her mother was another person that didn’t get it. Angie Straussler found the sport of professional wrestling to be barbaric. It was hard to argue with her when her first exposure to the industry was seeing her son-in-law take her daughter’s purse, covertly stuffed with a brick, and smash it into another man’s skull. And so, when she had picked up Adrienne from the St. Pete-Clearwater International Airport, she was less than enthusiastic after she found out why.

“And this isn’t a one-time thing? You’re going back? Ade, are you serious?”

Adrienne was.

She stared at her own reflection in the side mirror of her mother’s stuffy 1999 Oldsmobile Cutlass. There was a bruise coloring her right cheek, but she didn’t mind. Unlike previous ones, she’d wear this one proudly.

“Yes, mom…”

Adrienne’s mother had given birth to her daughter when she was real young. It was a sin to be so prideful but Straussler always enjoyed the compliment that Adrienne and her looked like sisters, sincere or not. Expectantly, that caused Angie to try to rectify her own shortcomings through her daughter’s life. And expectantly, Adrienne rebelled. In Angie’s opinion, Daniel Levi is and will always be the most perplexing decision that her usually smart daughter ever made.

“What about Kaplan? You’ve been there for a long time. Three months ago, you said you were going to be promoted to lead.”

Adrienne slumped in her seat.

“Katy got it.”

“Katy?” Angie scoffed, “Of course. I’m not one to spread gossip but she seems the type.”

Stopped at a red light, Adrienne watched as her mom checked her lipstick in the rearview mirror. She spoke next in a very hushed tone.

“Heard she went to Tampa for an abortion.”

“Mom.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Anyway, I quit.”

Angie did one of those exaggerated double takes with her mouth ajar. She was animated enough for the both of them. Her outcry was incredulous.

“Why!?”

“Wouldn’t let me take time off.”

“Who would? What you’re doing is silly.”

Adrienne shook her head slightly.

“I know you don’t like it but it's different. It's me now. Just me. I can’t explain the rush I felt.”

“No, and I don’t care to hear.”

“That’s fine but this company is going to pay me a thousand dollars per appearance. They pay for my airfare…”

“I saw it on the Youtube. You looked like you had two left feet. Not only that, these sorts of outfits always break promises. The one here would forget to pay you.”

No, they did, Adrienne answered internally. But Danny controlled the finances. He’s real smart like that.

“Like I said, it's different. I had my first ever match and now I have a spot on the next supershow. That’s more money. I think … I could be good at this.”

“There you go, sounding like Danny again, when are you going to—”

“I don’t want to talk about Danny.”

Quickly, she used her sleeve to wipe away at her eyes.

“Because … because it's not about him. I’m not there because of him. I’m there because … it’s something I’ve always had to watch and now I’m doing it. And up in Baltimore…”

From bell to bell, she felt human again.

“…it felt right. I don’t know what is going to come of it. There are some super serious people there. Lived lives I could never fathom. And I’m a nobody from here … but Carnage Wrestling put me against three people who have done something in this business and that must mean something.”

“It means you’ve drawn the short straw, Ade.”

Adrienne considered that. No one expected her to overcome Regina Dal Gato. She was faster, more experienced, and just wanted it more. But something unexpected happened. Adrienne walked backstage, head upright, and there was this feeling. Danny always said that being one of the boys was like a brotherhood. Adrienne couldn’t relate for the longest time. She always felt that she was on the outside looking in and maybe Danny wasn’t as influential as he claimed to be. But, possibly she could join up in due time.

“Probably, mom. But this is unchartered territory for the Levis. I intend to see this through.”

After that, Adrienne just tuned out the noise. Her mother always had an opinion and that opinion was always right. She loved her. She was a good mom but in this one instance, Angie didn’t understand the motives of her only child. Adrienne was that bird that just realized that the cage door was ajar. Flittering over to the edge, her head poked through. Outside, though, the world is so vast and dangerous that why would she leave? It was safe after all.

Borrowing from her limited knowledge of sports sayings, well, safe is death.

In the safety of her apartment, she mused over her next encounter. Three daunting, larger than life individuals she couldn’t even begin to surmise. But she had to try. At least make the effort. Danny never prepared. He’d take one look at whoever it was and he’d dress them down in vicious fashion.

Sitting on the couch, she concluded that wasn’t her style.

Adrienne had watched her previous effort a few times back. Her match, too. In both appearances, she seemed lost at the key moments. How does one defy who they are? Her goal wasn’t to go out there and lose. That’d be pointless. She felt accomplished but eventually, Danny’s sentiment that moral victories are worthless would hit home.

After consuming what info she could about Matt Knox, Jonathan Willis, and this enigma of a woman with half a dozen names to call her - well, One of These Things is Not Like the Other.

Well, that’s okay. She didn’t want to be like them.

But just who was Adrienne Levi?

On some internet forum, there was a thread discussing the biggest losers on the independent scene, Danny Levi was joked about heavily. However, it was agreed that Adrienne was a mildly attractive piece of ass and looked dumb as hell so that’s a plus. Comments like this were often accompanied by ringside pictures that should have hit the cutting room floor. One where she was bent over over the middle ring rope. She had a blue minidress that she’d wear only for Danny during his matches and the photographer thought it opportune to shoot up that dress. The image was captioned: Imagine the Smell.

In Adrienne's most recent review at Kaplan, it stated that she exhibited poor customer service skills and required coaching. Whatever the hell that meant because she still received a whole quarter raise.

On the broadcast, Johnny Vegas had quipped that Adrienne was Carnage Wrestling’s newest loser. Well, Johnny Vegas looked like a hairy orange scrotum. She stifled a giggle. That's too much. But whatever, that’s what happens when she drinks one ...one or two wine coolers.

She didn’t want to be a piece of ass, or a forgettable employee, or a loser.

Not being a loser wasn’t always about just winning. Broken clock’s right twice a day. She suspected that Regina would learn that the hard way. No, Adrienne had to make a shift. She had to be more than what was expected of her.

So she opted out of a third strawberry wine cooler. Hastily, she cleared out Danny’s corner. Adrienne would have to set it back to normal before he came back but this … this was about her. So she chose to display who she wanted to be now.

She printed out a picture of Carnage Wrestling’s logo. She grabbed a 8x10 that she took with the intention to autograph to paying fans. Unfortunately, there was a lack of those these days. It was the sort of ridiculous pose where she had fists raised up like she was ready to fight. Her ring gear was a pair of simple black tights, white boots, and a t-shirt, ironically the Doritos one. She also printed out a color photo of her dive from the top rope. It happened to be the only action shot that was taken that featured Adrienne on the offensive.

She found her newly acquired Carnage Wrestling shirt she may have pilfered from an open box backstage. She put on her cleanest pair of jeans and sneakers. Her eyes popped a little with a modest amount of blue eyeliner.

Moments later, she dusted off a selfie stick that had been collecting dust in the kitchen junk drawer. Resulting in a totally more professional presentation.

“Take two.”

Carefully, she framed herself into the picture. This time, she did her best to look directly at her future audience.

“Hello everyone, Adrienne here. I guess I want to start out by making a distinction. I’ve got one match under my belt and I didn’t get the winner’s purse. But I know this business. A lot more than some would give credit. And I know that my upcoming match at Underground is an absolute honor. Two former world champions. An internationally known multi-talented superstar. And then there’s me.”

Adrienne paused, she knew that she had to make the following statement emphatically.

“I’m not…”

She cleared her throat.

“I’m not just a piece of arm candy, Johnny Vegas. And I’m not just singling out that guy because I know what it looks like on the surface. I’m not here to redeem myself like Mr. Knox. He’s one of those former world champions and I bet he beats himself up because lots of folks only talk about the bad. But he did it and that’s what matters. And I may not be relentless like Mr. Willis. My trials and tribulations aren’t worth mentioning. I smoked a little weed during community college before I dropped out. I was a terrible student, too. My life wouldn’t fill out a pamphlet. I am … unremarkable. And so I could never be as outrageous and spectacular as Melificent Lasciel. I don’t have a lick of musical talent and I’m not very photogenic as you can see.”

She gave a little wry smile.

“But what I am is a professional wrestler. I know, duh, so are all of you. All of you have such lofty goals and aspirations. Jonathan has his eyes set on championship gold. I have a feeling that he may be there sooner than later. Matt looks to settle the score with that grumpy old guy. Mel? I don’t know what she wants but I bet it's something glamorous. There’s this mentality in this business that if you don’t want to be on top, then you don’t belong here. Despite all of that, only a few ever actually reach that pinnacle.”

Confidence floundering, she fought with making such a declaration.

“Maybe…”

Another pause.

“Maybe one day that could be me. Delusions of grandeur, I know. But one loss, or two losses, or losing every single time I step into that ring won’t detract me. And I’m sure you’ve all heard those words before. Recently, too.”

But this was the stark truth.

“Maybe reality will stop me cold in my tracks. However, this match won’t be my Last Ride, my Downfall, or my End of Days. There will be no Redemption off of my name. You’re all going to have to earn that some other time because win or lose, Underground is going to be the night where I show you just who I am.”

In a bit of post cut editing, the piece ended on that shot of Adrienne Levi jumping off the top turnbuckle. Her expression was different than any she had ever displayed. On the surface, it was just gritted teeth and eyes afire with concentration. But it was also pure determination, intensity, and a sense of belonging all rolled into a tidy package.

Was that lightning in a bottle, or could that become Adrienne Levi after all?

#carnage wrestling #fatal4way

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