#without millie. ough

[kirnet]

i gave the actium crew each a single gold hoop bc its sexy but also bc there's the myth about pirates keeping an earring so that the gold could be used to pay for a proper burial if their body washed up on shore. space has no shores, your body will never be found, and ever since they were kids halin and millie knew they would probably never be able to recover each others bodies if they died on a job. they started wearing the single earring (taking all of their others out until it was just the one) because it is an oath: they are a pair. they are incomplete without the other. they might lose the body but they'd never lose the other's soul, and only then would they put another hoop in their ear. only if they were the last one standing and they had to carry the weight of the other's memory

[lanternouslobster]

Ough this took way too long. Alright, here goes

Alright, welcome to the first part of my reboot analysis series! I'll be doing a series of essays (likely varying in length) on each of the 16 contestants in the Total Drama Island reboot. Each essay will consist of a main portion comprised of canon analysis, followed by a much smaller section talking about my own headcanons for how they turned out as they have. I'm choosing each subject by random draw, and up first is Ripper. Without further ado, let's get started!

This is certainly an interesting place to start. When the first season was initially released, I know a lot of people disliked Ripper. And I mean a lot. I don’t really blame them— the whole farting aspect to his character is pretty prevalent in his first run, and it’s not exactly pleasant to watch. However, it’s not the only aspect to him. Somehow, the writers managed to build up a really interesting character underneath the surface. A shame that the farting deters a lot of people from seeing it.

Meet the Victims immediately gives us a solid sense of who Ripper is. He’s obsessed with being perceived as masculine, between ripping his shirt off & flexing to show off when he first gets to the dock and later calling himself an “alfalfa male”, presumably in an attempt to call himself an alpha. He holds an extremely stereotypical view of what masculinity is, most notably indicated in his audition tape when he claims that caring about others is a weakness. He wants to be seen as strong and dominant, attributes befitting what he thinks a man should be. However, right off the bat, it’s clear that we as an audience are supposed to see straight through Ripper’s façade. When he rips off his shirt to show off, Priya and Millie are far less than impressed. He’s unable to snap back when Wayne and Raj make fun of him. It takes a single glare from Axel for him to back down from wanting to put up a fight. He clearly isn’t everything he wants to be made out to be.

Throughout the show, Ripper is shown to be incredibly stubborn when not intimidated out of his actions. During the challenge in Meet the Victims, he outright ignores Millie’s directions in favor of going his own way, and he doesn’t show any sense of regret for doing so even as it’s clear he’s just making it more difficult for himself. In Pirates of the Cabbage’an, he fights with Axel over being the team’s captain despite her clearly being more qualified, and not even a kick to the face deters him from quarrelling with her after the challenge. When anyone tries to tell him anything even resembling logic, he just shuts them down by calling them a nerd. Throughout the entirety of the first season, he shows no inclination to change, and his stubbornness in his actions makes everyone incredibly annoyed at his presence for his entire run.

However, annoyance isn’t the full extent of the impact Ripper makes on the other contestants. While he’s written to be a joke of a character, he still inflicts harm on the people around him. The most notable instance is him using Priya as a human shield in Numbskull Island, though him abandoning Zee in Severe Eggs and Pains is also a fitting example. The damage he’s done to people, while played as a joke, is still something that should be taken into account.

Speaking of Severe Eggs and Pains, there are a few lines from Ripper that uh. Stick out from any others. The first being his line about his mom being right about babies ruining everything, which is… alarming at best. The next is his line talking about how his dad used to drop him and his three brothers all the time. Both of these lines indicate he may lack a stable familial life. Assuming his mother’s sentiment towards children is something she currently has rather than a phase from the past, she likely doesn’t show much warmth and may even feel vitriol towards her own kids, Ripper included. And while a single instance of his father dropping him or any of his brothers could simply be a case of clumsiness, an accident not stemming from any sort of malice or lack of consideration for their well-beings, the fact that it was a repeated event tells otherwise. Any parent who truly cared for the health and safety of their children would either be more careful moving forward to not cause them harm or would outright avoid situations in which harm could result. The fact that it continuously happened indicates a lack of care from Ripper’s father. This could very well be where Ripper derived all of his ideas of what masculinity is supposed to be, especially his views on caring for others being a weakness.

When looking at the entire scope of his season 1 run, it becomes rather clear to me what he represents: toxic masculinity and all the harm that it does. He desperately wants to be seen as hypermasculine, and in his eyes, he can’t show something as weak as compassion towards anybody around him. This leads to him often hurting others without a care in order to get what he wants. However, it’s not only those around him whom he hurts; he’s hurting himself as well. His hardheaded nature and belief that he’s supposed to be strong and dominant results in him ignoring the advice and instructions of others who are more knowledgeable and capable than him, which is always to his detriment. His behavior also drives away any possibility of stable social bonds. The only friends he really makes are Chase, who is far from good friend material, and debatably Zee, who’s friendly with everyone no matter what. Everyone else hates his guts and hardly wishes to be in his presence. From his actions in hurting Priya in Numbskull Island to his elimination in Wheel of Vomit, he gets by on pure circumstance rather than a desire from others to keep him. In Numbskull Island, he barely survives the elimination because Millie flips. In Jurassic Fart, Damien’s initial desire to be eliminated overrides the fact that Ripper likely would be voted out otherwise. In The Launchback of Notre Game, the Ferocious Trout win, so Ripper has immunity. In Severe Eggs and Pains, while many of the others are irritated at Ripper, Wayne and Raj get med evac-ed before they can vote. Finally, in Wheel of Vomit, they’re given a clear shot at taking Ripper out and take it. All that to say, Ripper got by so far purely as a fluke and would’ve been taken out far quicker if the universe didn’t seem to be on his side. Despite clearly attracting negative attention throughout the game, Ripper makes no attempt to change his ways due to how rooted he is in the idea of being a “man”. His obsession with traditional, toxic masculinity burns his bridges with the other contestants, making a detrimental impact on his social life that carries into the following season. As he’s eliminated from the game, he leaves with an interesting remark: that he’ll wait until he’s home to cry. That he’ll wait until he can finally let out all his emotions unseen. He’s capable of sadness, of regret, of feeling, but he can’t afford to show it to anyone else. Not if he wants to be a real man.

But then, going into the second season, there’s an interesting shift. Yes, he’s still as headstrong and sure of himself as ever, shown by his indignation at how he was picked last for a team. He still sees himself as capable and strong. However, his priorities seem to have shifted from his initial goals of showcasing masculinity. Instead, he now has a new focus: his infatuation with Axel.

The thing that makes Ripper’s crush on Axel interesting is that it isn’t performative, like how his attempt at flirting(?) on the dock in Meet the Victims was. No, his love for her is genuine. Something about her has wholly encapsulated him, and he wants to be with her for reasons far deeper than the fact that having a girlfriend is an attribute befitting the traditional man. It’s especially interesting considering how all of their previous interactions, particularly in Pirates of the Cabbage’an, have consisted purely of the two fighting each other. Perhaps having someone stand up to him— a woman, mind you— made his previous ideas on what he was supposed to be falter. It clearly wasn’t something that immediately made an impact, given how his behavior hardly changed through the first season, but it was likely something he thought about after the show. The fact that her strength clearly outmatched his gave him a lot of things to consider surrounding what he truly stood for. She was new, unfamiliar, and her existence outright challenged his. And so, he wished to be with her. She was an impressive monument of strength and capability, someone that he grew to appreciate rather than fight against. With these new emotions that he started the second season with came a new attribute to him, something that went against everything he once aimed to be: care. He cared about Axel. And that one attribute changed everything about him.

Throughout season 2, Ripper’s actions become far less self-serving and harmful towards others. There aren’t really any new events similar to him using Priya as a shield or abandoning Zee to fend against the cassowary. While he does work to help his team, he has no place in the Raynebow-MKulia rivalry that goes down. Instead, he’s mostly focused on impressing Axel in order to woo her. This causes a shift in his writing that, generally, the fandom seems to enjoy more than his first season writing.

At first, his attempts to attract Axel’s attention fall in line with his previous season 1 mindset. In Taking it to the Rim Reaper, he tries to show off to Axel with an attempt at using a. uh. unique strategy to win the challenge, which follows the still-present value he holds in appearing strong. However, this seems to be the last time he really shows this sort of train of thought. After all, in You Poor Saps, he seems to be more interested in being alone with Axel to talk to her than he is in impressing her. His actions shift to be about her rather than about how she sees him.

This is especially clear in Choosin’ for a Bruisin’. In the beginning of the episode, Axel rejects Ripper by saying he’s not her type— and it’s understandable why she would think that at this point in time. The Ripper she knows is the one from season 1. The Ripper who’s solely self-serving, headstrong to the point of self-sabotage, and generally more successful getting himself into trouble than solving problems. In other words, someone who clearly would be nothing short of infuriating to be in the vicinity of, let alone date. However, this episode is what shows for sure that he’s now completely different. When Axel admits in her would-you-rather tape that she enjoys poetry, Ripper sees it as an opportunity. If this had been in season 1, he absolutely would’ve laughed. Poetry is the exact type of hobby that he would’ve labeled Axel as a nerd for. He would have teased her to no end over it. But this is season 2, and Ripper doesn’t see Axel as any less of a person for her enjoying something he would have once seen as weak. In fact, he decides to fully embrace her interest. I severely doubt Ripper had any interest in poetry himself predating this episode, but he still steps out of his comfort zone to make something for Axel based on her interests. He even includes stuff relating to her obsession with the zombie apocalypse in his writing, going even further to show that she’s doing this for her, not just as some performative action to get a girlfriend just because he thinks he should. He genuinely cares about her, and not once does he worry that such feelings are making him appear weak. The cycle of toxic masculinity is losing its hold on him, because for the first time, he’s letting himself feel genuine love for someone.

I think that’s all I have to say in terms of canon analysis. Of course, he has more screentime after Choosin’ for a Bruisin’, but I dunno how much I can do to critically examine him repeatedly making out with Axel. A lot of that stuff (esp. in Fun Fight at the O’Cake Corral) I’m planning to go over when I cover Axel, anyways, so I’ll save it for her future essay.

Anyways, now onto family headcanons I have for Ripper that may explain why he is the way he is! I’ll keep it short, since this is already 2k+ words.

Ripper’s parents are divorced. They split pretty quickly after he was born. It was bound to happen whether they had a kid or not, since the two were extremely incompatible and fought all the time— however, Ripper’s existence gave his mom something to blame the falling-apart of the marriage on so she didn’t have to face any accountability for it herself. Ripper went to his dad, since his mom didn’t want him. His dad remarried pretty quickly, and it’s that marriage where Ripper’s three younger brothers come from.

Ripper never saw much love from his father. He was an emotionally distant man, someone who believed that showing warmth made him weak. He’s who Ripper derived all his ideals of what he’s supposed to be from. Because of these circumstances, Ripper’s never really had a constant source of love and care in his life. The closest he’s ever gotten is tidbits of approval from his father whenever he emulates his callous attitude, which made him lean even further into that. He’s been left to fend for himself emotionally, thus causing him to develop his rude and insufferable behavior towards others. Axel is his first experience in being genuinely loved. His first time breaking out of the shell he’s been raised to build. He’s finally allowing himself to feel like a human being.

And that's a wrap! This was fun to write. I'm definitely looking forward to writing more of these. Sorry if any of what I said here is inaccurate or if I missed anything, it was difficult finding Ripper scenepacks on YouTube and I didn't really wanna watch through the whole show again.

The wheel of names has decided that Nichelle will be next! I don't think her essay will be as long as this, since she has far less screentime to go off of. I already have a few ideas, though, so there'll at least be something to write.

With that, I'm signing off! See you for part 2!

[snootsnooter]

Nobody asked but I have thoughts and want to babble so y'all are my dubiously willing rubber duckies.

Thoughts on various Hazbin Hotel characters under the read more

Charlie - She's very cute, naive, and uber optimistic. Genuinely I'd call her a sweet little cinnamon roll. Though, that being said, so far she's felt like a pretty one dimensional character in the four episodes we've seen her. I really do hope she gets a little more characterization as the show goes on and that she doesn't end up with the same issue Millie from the sister Helluva Boss show has.

Vaggie - I really like her new design tbh! Characterization wise though I really wish we knew? Literally anything about her? The most we get is a hint that okay she died in 2014, she's Charlies gf, and has been involved in war / battles thanks to the classic group bonding episode. The only real interesting thing she might have going for her is? That she could POTENTIALLY be some fallen angel / ex exterminator, as per old hazbin headcanons claim, or that she might be one of Carmilla's daughters. Again I'm hoping she ends up getting more characterization soon and doesn't end up another Millie. Also why the hell does Husk and Angel Dust have more chemistry after episode 4 than Vaggie and her already established gf do? I'm??

Angel Dust - An interesting character for sure, and I'm very curious to see how his story plays out. Could do without him making everything sexual 24/7 but given the situation the character is in and how he tries to cope with it, it's whatever.

Alastor - Idk I actually don't really have a whole lot to say about him? Sure he's interesting, I want to know his motivations as to why an overlord like him is helping Charlie and why both he and Lilith were gone for 7 years but??? Idk I'm sort of indifferent to him at the current moment? He's kind of just the one note silly wacky chaos character with mysterious motives. I do really like his voice though!

Nifty - I thought I'd like her more than I do but? Honestly I don't really care for her at the moment. She's the typical yandere character but, again like most of the female characters in the Hellaverse, is kinda one note and ultimately forgettable. Nor do we know anything about her (yet).

Husk - Gonna be honest, this grumpy kitty had my heart from the pilot. He's def one of my favorite characters in the show, and personally I think his backstory of being, for lack of better terms, a fallen overlord is really interesting. For having been a gambling con man magician in his human life, I do have to wonder why he was chosen to be a cat rather than a rabbit? or perhaps a snake? Though I suppose the magician aspect of what originally went into his character had since been dropped, since they seem to have leaned more into him being just a gambler. His budding relationship with Angel Dust, whether be it as friends or eventual lovers, is very cute and very genuine tbh. Still questioning why they have more chemistry than Vaggie and Charlie but here we are. I also really adore his singing voice ough it's very smooth and very pleasant to listen to.

Velvette - oh lord I do NOT like this character, but then again, I don't really like any character that has the typical Bitchy Influencer tm type personality... Or any of those irl influencer type folks in general. Though I do want to know why? she was made english? I mean I understand a good portion of it is probably so that the three V's are unique in some way with Vox being the american one and Valentino the latino. Making her english certainly gives her that distinction from the other two, I suppose I'm just surprised they didn't go with the California valley girl type accent for her.

Valentino - vile, sleezy, disgusting, I love him. He's absolutely everything a villain like him should be. I'm personally super glad that his big red coat isn't? actually JUST a coat tbh? I think it's a super neat idea that it's actually his wings folded over his body and held together with either some sort of clamps (like the decorative enamel pins you'd find connecting both sides of the lapel on a leather jacket) or some kind of piercing.

Vox - oh no why is he my type.

[a-romantics-guide-to-life]

MILLIE THIS WAS SO GOOD!!!! you and phantom are just so good at creating these worlds that are just so perfect and i will ALWAYS sit down for a good angst (millie our queen of angst) and a good ol single parent/dad billy fic

The wind was howling outside, rapping at the windows and trying to slip through the cracks of the walls, but they were sealed shut by Billy's own hands. OKAY SO INSANE FIRST LINE BTW BC WTF THE DESCRIPTIONS

As you nuzzled his chest, body growing heavy with sleep, he recalled a few days earlier, when you'd been sitting outside, sunlight weaving through your hair, eyelashes fluttering. You looked beautiful in any light, but especially with a glow behind you, an ethereal beam to your body. THE WAY YOU WRITE SUCH SOFT AND FLUFFY MOMENTS IS INSANE BTW BC THIS IS JUST SO GOOD AND LIKE OMFG!?!?

Suddenly he felt weak, like he was going to melt into the floor and become one with the earth. Looking down at the little girl in his arms, he managed. ‘She’s…she’s my daughter.” OMG!?!?!?! OOOOO I CAN JUST FEEL THE ANGST CREEPING UP ON ME MILLIEEEEE

You were quiet for a moment, and the fear struck him all of the sudden. Was this it? Was this the ‘too much’ that you’d insisted would never come? Just when he’d thought everything was perfect, it all came crumbling around him, with nothing but the dust of his intentions and blood on his hands. The little girl in the other room looked about four years old. Had it really been that long that she’d gone without a father, that her mother had gone without support? He could remember Annie’s mother clear as day now, but the night that had apparently led to their daughter not so much. this is so perfect for these characters and i can't even express how perfect THIS particular part is bc i can just feel the billy protectiveness and guilt™ showing

“I’m sorry. ’m so sorry.” OUGH MILLIE WHEN I CATCH YOU MILLIEEE

“Being with you and loving you is the only thing I’ve ever been sure of.” this whole part was so perfect with the whole "i aint leaving, i love you" trope UGH JUST PERFECT!!

OVERALL JUST SO PERFECT AND I LEGIT CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT PART

౨ৎKnow That My Love Would Burn With Me/We'll Live Eternally (Breathtaking)౨ৎ

౨ৎ꣑ৎmasterlist౨ৎ꣑ৎ [fem reader] contains: angst, death of a parent, mentions of a one night stand pairing: fem reader x billy the kid summary: ~breathtaking~ author’s note: forever thank you to @phantomamour <3 we came up with this idea together, and we've been having so much fun writing for it hehe <3 Pinterest Board Spotify Playlist

The wind was howling outside, rapping at the windows and trying to slip through the cracks of the walls, but they were sealed shut by Billy's own hands. He slept soundly knowing he'd given you a safe place to rest every night, even if he hadn't entirely built it himself.

It was funny how life on the run made one resourceful. He'd abandoned it all when he'd met you, but still retained his skill set. You always gave him new things to be grateful for. He didn't have to regret such a life because it gave him a way to protect you.

Now the quiet was your comfort, something he'd always dreamt of but never thought he'd have. You brought the unexpected with you, the most surprising of all being the life he wanted. Now, as he folded back the covers of the bed, watching you slip off your dress and trade it for a nightgown, he still couldn't believe his sheer luck.

Climbing in, he slumped against the headboard, unable to tear his eyes away from you for even a second as you floated towards him, draping yourself across his chest and sighing happily. It was a wonder he'd found someone who was this content to even be near him.

His hand found your back, rubbing lightly as you settled. "Sleepy?"

"Mhm," you mumbled, one hand resting over his heart, bunching the fabric of his sleep shirt. On a warmer night he'd sleep bare chested, but winter was just barely bleeding into spring, and it was a trade off of warmer and cooler days. As you nuzzled his chest, body growing heavy with sleep, he recalled a few days earlier, when you'd been sitting outside, sunlight weaving through your hair, eyelashes fluttering. You looked beautiful in any light, but especially with a glow behind you, an ethereal beam to your body.

He let his eyes fall shut, fingers still stroking your back slightly. It was hard to imagine falling asleep without your weight over him, without your legs tangled with his own like tall grass in the wind. This was what he looked forward to every day, when he didn't have to worry about anything anymore.

In these fragile moments between sleep and dreaming, he let himself imagine what if. What if he'd never broken the law and found an honest living elsewhere? What if he'd courted you as an honorable man and done things the right way? In this time he didn't mourn the images he saw, of you with a baby in your arms standing in front of a nice house with white shutters. He merely let himself see.

Holding you a little tighter, he tilted his head to kiss your hair. Maybe in another life.

A sharp knock cut through his last sleepy thoughts, and his eyes flew all the way open, holding you fast to his chest and trying to remember where he'd put his gun. The one piece of his old life he'd retained on purpose.

"Mm?" You shifted, looking up at him. "Billy?"

He was already shifting you off of him, pulling the covers back over your body. Standing up, he snatched his pants off the chair he’d thrown them over and yanked them up each leg. “‘S probably nothing,” he whispered, heart racing. “Let me go check. You stay here.” 

You sat up, blinking sleepily. “But-”

“Shh.” Billy’s attention was redirected back to you when he noticed you weren’t staying put. He padded back over, cupping the back of your head with one hand and guiding you to lay back down, grazing the fingers of the other over your collarbone. “It’s okay. I’ll be back in a minute, alright?” Your eyes were growing heavy again, and he pressed a kiss to your forehead, watching them shut all the way. “Just rest.”

Billy hid his armed hand behind his back as he crept to the door, wary of it bursting open. The past had a funny way of following a man with luck as rotten as his. With every good thing in his life, he was always on edge about it being taken away. You wouldn’t be complicit to his star crossed story, he would make sure of it. The shadows of the furniture seemed ominous as he made his way to the door, mind still on you all cozy in your bed. Another heavy knock sounded, and he clenched his jaw, keeping footsteps light and slowly reaching for the handle. 

Swinging the door open, his eyes widened when they were met with the sight of a tall, gruff looking man standing on the porch, holding the hand of a little girl. He nodded at Billy, shifting on his feet. “Sorry ‘bout the late hour. You Billy? Billy Bonney?”

“Who’s askin’?” Billy’s hand tightened on the gun behind his back.

The man looked tired. He exhaled, looking down at the little girl with heavy eyes. “Maybe we should sit down.”

Somewhere in the distance, thunder sounded, rattling both the sky, and Billy’s bones.

It wasn’t long after the man left that you appeared, shawl over your shoulders, hair a little messy from laying down. Billy was standing in front of the window, holding the little girl on his hip, her head on his shoulder. He was frozen, eyes on the storm, the rain that had just now begun to slide down the glass separating him from the outside.

“Billy?” When he turned around, you were standing there, still looking sleepy, a little confused. “What’s going on/’

Suddenly he felt weak, like he was going to melt into the floor and become one with the earth. Looking down at the little girl in his arms, he managed. ‘She’s…she’s my daughter.”

Had Billy been in a better state of mind, he would have praised your reaction.

You swept the little girl from his arms before he could drop her out of shock, taking her into the other room and returning less than ten minutes later, sitting him down on the bench. Kneeling at his side, you took his hand between both of yours, rubbing over his knuckles. “What happened?”

The story spilled out of him before he could stop to filter it. “Her mother’s a girl I was…with…awhile back. It was just a night. I had no idea…” He felt faint, looking at you desperately.

“Billy,” you whispered, squeezing his hand. “It’s okay. Keep going.” Searching his eyes, you gently asked, “Where is she now?”

“She’s passed,” he said, voice strained. “Th-the man said he was an old friend of hers. Gave me a letter from her…” Billy took in a shaky breath. “There’s one for Annie too, for when she gets older.” 

“Annie?” 

He nodded. “Annie.”

You were quiet for a moment, and the fear struck him all of the sudden. Was this it? Was this the ‘too much’ that you’d insisted would never come? Just when he’d thought everything was perfect, it all came crumbling around him, with nothing but the dust of his intentions and blood on his hands. The little girl in the other room looked about four years old. Had it really been that long that she’d gone without a father, that her mother had gone without support? He could remember Annie’s mother clear as day now, but the night that had apparently led to their daughter not so much. 

A wave of guilt overcame him as he pictured it all, the life Annie had without even knowing him. He’d felt a connection the instant he held her for the first time, and he could only imagine what it would have been like had he met her when she was a baby. He could have been there for her, through the pregnancy, the birth, the trials of having an infant. Her mother had been good from what he could remember, and she must have been so strong to raise their daughter all on her own. Billy’s head was spinning with all these new emotions, and he keeled over, breathing in and trying to steady himself again. 

Your hand found his back, rubbing gently as he tried to find his footing again. He held his breath, waiting for an apology about how you couldn’t do this, a rushed explanation as the door shut behind you. But a few minutes passed, and there was none of it.

Billy looked up, seeing your soft eyes. He blinked back tears, and you sighed, pulling him in to lean against you. “It’s okay. I’m here, my love, I’m here.”

Grasping at the front of your nightdress, Billy’s tears finally fell, and he buried his head in your stomach like a little boy. You stroked the top of his head, and his body shook as he cried. “I’m sorry. ’m so sorry.”

“What for?” you asked quietly, smoothing his hair from his face when he looked up, brushing away a tear or two.

“You didn’t ask to get into all this,” he whispered, looking up at you with wet eyes. “It’s too much. You-”

“Hey,” you breathed, shaking your head and holding his face between your soft hands. Billy shut his eyes, not wanting to see what he’d already deemed as disappointment. “Don’t say that, honey, please.”

“If you want to leave-”

“No,” you said, and he opened his eyes. Your expression was gentle, and your thumbs were stroking his stubbly cheeks in a way that made his shoulders slump. He sat up, trying to piece it all together as you squeezed his hand. “Billy, that little girl is a part of you. How could I do anything but love her?”

Now he was quiet, staring at you, body going stiff. Even though it was dark, he was seeing you in a new light, something within you glowing from the inside and shining out, allowing him to bask in it. You were steady in the center of his storm, his gravity when he felt like he’d float into the sky until his body finally gave out. Holding him down for a moment, you took a breath in, then out again. “I’m not going anywhere, Billy. I’m right here.”

“Baby,” he managed, feeling weak again. “I can’t ask you to do this.” Billy removed your hands from his face, clasping them and pressing a kiss to your fingers. “You’re a good girl, but I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you decided to go.” He felt as though he was withering, breaking into pieces from just the mere idea of losing you. Billy’s eyes fell to the sleeve of your nightgown, the wrinkle around your wrist where it had been pushed up. 

“Billy,” you said, and his head snapped up again. He took in the details of your face; the slope of your nose, the curve of your cheek, where your hairline became feathery at your forehead. Features he had memorized, that he’d draw in his mind every night if you decided to leave, imprinted on the pillow where you used to lay your head.

You brought him back to earth with a squeeze of his hand. “I love you. I wouldn’t dream of ever being anywhere but by your side.” Sitting up so you were kneeling before him, you held his gaze. “I always wanted a family with you.”

An unexpected relief poured over him like a bucket of water, soaking under his skin and washing away the dread he’d felt over navigating this new life all alone. You were his angel, his light, his sunshine. Did you know what you were agreeing to? He sniffled. “Are you sure?”

Lifting yourself, you leaned into him like a willow in the wind, finding your place in his arms, molded against his chest, his other half fitting right where he needed you. “Being with you and loving you is the only thing I’ve ever been sure of.”

His nose tilted forward until it was buried in your hair, his arms folding around you. Maybe deep inside, his body was unsure if he was dreaming, and so it felt the need to hold on tight. You nuzzled your head into his chest, hand rubbing up and down.

“I put her to sleep on our bed,” you muttered, drawing a heart with the line of your finger. 

“You sleep with her, I’ll take the floor,” Billy offered, running his hand down your back.

Shaking your head, you looked up, and he couldn’t resist laying his hand on your cheek. With a sweet smile, you leaned into his touch. “I told you I’m staying with you. In every way.”

Billy breathed a laugh, the exhaustion that had previously been in the background of his mind stepping forward, spreading into his chest like a plague. He rubbed your back again, kissing your hair. “Alright.”

When you laid next to him a few minutes later on the floor in the bedroom, spreading a blanket over the two of you, Billy’s arms were ready for you, nearly aching with how much they needed you between them. He laid awake long after you had drifted into dreaming, listening to yours and Annie’s breathing. Upon entering the room, he’d been stunned looking at her, this little person he’d never met before, but felt such a pull toward. You’d said she looked like him, and he could see it now, in her hair, her eyes. But he could see her mother in her too, hiding beneath the surface.

You shifted in your sleep, and he looked down, mouth relaxing. Here was the unexpected you always seemed to bring again: the fact that you had stayed.

[moomoorare]

Rare it is so crazy to remember that pome and mari were on their own without rain or Millie for a while 😭 whatthe hell… is there anything you wanna talk about in regards to their relationship?

Oughh oh god. I mean like, Michelle and the girls all were kids together except for that one time I was like um do i include Michelle. Yes yes i do and will. Michelle is literally the first so lol and Pomme being the middle child here plays with both a lot, but Michelle likes to spend more time with the older kids rather than with Marigold. I think that's why Mari gets attached to Millie immediately, other than the fact that they're both explosively playful, even if Millie appears calmer when they're not playing together. Mari constantly bothering Rain and riling him up to get a reaction and start bickering. Oh Mari. ANYWAYS to really answer your question, they get along pretty well and Mari gets Pomme to act a little rebellious and cause chaos together, but Pomme is a Lot calmer than her and prefers less messy playing. So Mari likes to rile her up and Pomme can get so nervous that she tears up and gets overwhelmed and hides away in the garden. Mari's not trying to be mean, so she apologizes always, she just doesn't give up easily, since half the time, Pomme ends up having fun causing minor chaotic messes. Like, putting dirt in their favorite glasses to plant flowers, bringing many ants in the kitchen, breaking toys by throwing them out the second story window onto the garden bushes, tearing curtains, jumping from the sofas to chairs to kitchen counters. Kids playing ya know. And she does many times shield Mari from the blame, though Puffychu know them well, so they let it slide easily.

Gooooooood, characterization is so difficult, especially when i make SO many kids and siblings. They have to make sense and especially the puffychu kids make a lot of sense to me i relate to how they act, probably cus i have 3 siblings and we all have different ages, my little brother being half my age. So it's not so weird that my piratecove au characters have so much lore and characterization and i created them in early January, meanwhile my flowerpot au kids I've been drawing since September (the twins) and October (Finch) and I'm just now really giving them some backstory and characterization. But also, the Piratecove au family is way messier and chaotic, which reminds me of mine really, and the Flowerpot au family, is just, so calm and peaceful, its really comforting to me, what I'd imagine I'd love having. So i don't wanna, idk, "taint" them with trauma. But i realise, they gotta have some everydya stuff going wrong at least, or bickering, or stuff like that. And then i wrote Finch's backstory Ough. Anywayys The twins are playful but very composed and calm, Finch is a distinctively quiet kid, who looks grumpy most of the time and likes to play alone and quiet places, i don't think he'd enjoy playing with Mari lol L, How did i get here why am i rambling

[hymn2000]

Ideal Confusion - MCU AU Fanfic - C14

(Title subject to change)

Story summary: Giving into the constant pressure from the press, Tony decides to put a rest to the rumours that Peter is his biological son - once and for all.

Previous Chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: family, family stuff, adoption, DNA test(s), pressure, peer pressure, social issues, mentions of alcoholism, mental health problems, potentially some minor medical inaccuracies, mentions of corporal punishment, hurt/comfort,mentions of suicide

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 14 - Bitter Fingers

-

He knew exactly what he was doing, thumping out heavy, almost furious, soulful notes, singing the words perfectly, with feeling, with vigour, with a real sense of urgency. 

“You’re good” Tony said, once he’d finished the song.

Peter slowly turned to him. He’d had a feeling he was being watched; he just hadn’t realised who by. They’d ended up in another argument after Li had left the previous day, and hadn’t spoken since. He turned back to the piano.

“I know”

“Why don’t you play something else? Something classical?”

“I don’t want to”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t” Peter said, putting his hands back on the keys.

“Well, play something more upbeat”

Peter paused, thinking, and then started playing. At first Tony seemed almost approving, but as the first verse flew by, his expression changed.

“-Think I'm gonna kill myself, cause a little suicide, stick around for a couple of da-”

“PETER!”

“What?! You told me to play something more upbeat!”

“I didn’t mean this! This song is so insensitive”

“Sir Elton tried to kill himself thrice:- I think he’s within his rights to sing about it” 

“That doesn’t mean you are!”

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” Peter scowled. “Why are you up here?”

“I wanted to see you play”

“Why?”

“Why? Because you’re my son, maybe?”

“Oh, so I’m your son now, am I?”

Tony sighed. “Don’t start”

“I’m not starting anything” Peter shrugged, looking back at his piano, studying the front as though he had a songbook open. 

“I thought you liked performing. You’ve been singing to your father, haven’t you?”

“He actually wants to listen, and he’s not in denial”

“What makes you think I’m in denial?”

Peter gave him a look, looking so similar to Loki that for a moment, Tony wasn’t sure how to react. Eventually, he just sighed and sat down next to Peter, taking his MP3.

“I’ll choose something for you. You can play by ear, right?”

“I’m playing Sir Elton” Peter said. “Don’t mess with my playlist”

“Alright, calm down. How about Crocodile Rock? That’s an upbeat one”

“Maybe I don’t want to play anything upbeat. Stop messing with my stuff”

Peter tried to snatch the player back, but Tony held it out of his reach. 

“Fine. Do you think you can play I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues?”

“Maybe I don’t want to take your suggestions” Peter snatched the player back, scrolling through. “If it’ll make you go away, I’ll play a less sad one, but this is as good as you’re gonna get”

He put his player down, shifted position so he wouldn’t clash elbows with Tony, and once again set to the ivories. In some ways, it was easy to block Tony out, even with him so close. But in other ways, he liked knowing he was there. More than that, he liked knowing that he was good:- he could play, and he could sing, and he’d achieved every bit of it without any help, knowledge, input, or support from the man sat beside him, who just so happened to be part of the reason why he was ever born. He could feel himself being watched, but he made sure never to look at him, and he just kept performing, feeling melancholy, but triumphant - almost like he wanted to stick out his tongue at his father and shout; “nah nah ne nah nah, look what I can do without you!”. But instead he just kept singing.

“...If someone else is suffering enough, oh to write it down. When every single word makes sense, then it's easier to have those songs around. The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you, and it feels so good to hurt so bad, and suffer just enough to sing the blues. So turn 'em on, turn 'em on, turn on those sad songs. When all hope is gone, why don't you tune in and turn them on..?”

-

Peter took his headphones off. For a moment there was silence, and then Tony turned and wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him close. Peter stayed still, hardly even daring to breathe. He wasn’t sure he trusted Tony’s intentions, whatever they might be, and after some of the things that had been said over the past couple of days, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be near him at all. After what felt like an eternity, he spoke, surprising himself.

“Just because I love you the most, that doesn’t mean you’re the best parent”

-

Loki looked over Tony’s shoulder. 

“What are you looking at?”

“Just an email from the school. They’re doing a huge show at the end of term”

“I thought we’d essentially decided to withdraw him from the school?”

“Yeah... But maybe we should send him back now. Let him finish the term”

Loki was quiet for a moment. “Why the change of heart? You don’t want him to end up leaving out of someone else’s choice, do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well. Let’s be honest; if he were at a mainstream school, and-or you weren’t his father, he’d probably have been expelled by now”

Tony took his hand away from his mouth. “...Am I a bad parent?”

“Sometimes”

Tony couldn’t help but laugh slightly. “Thanks for the brutal honesty”

“Do you really think I’m going to lie to you? Especially after the way you’ve been since we got those DNA results?”

Tony didn’t respond. Loki sighed, looking at the email on Tony’s screen. 

“Is there really much point sending him back for two weeks?”

Tony shrugged. “Get him out from under our feet?”

“Charming. And here I was thinking you’d turned a corner”

“I was joking!” Tony exclaimed, showing a glimmer of personality for the first time all day. “It might be good for him to get out of the house, and tie up loose ends. I don’t think he’s talked to any of the Bunnies since the last time he was there”

“Well, if you took the time to stop sulking and actually speak to him, you’d know that he’s still been talking to Flo, and he’s even made amends with Millie”

“And Macy?”

Loki grimaced. “Still a touchy subject, I think”

Tony sighed heavily. “They were such a cute little group. It was good that he had proper friends. He’d never really had them before”

“Well, maybe not, but I can’t say I think it’s that important. From what I’ve learnt, humans don’t often keep their school friends throughout the rest of their lives anyway”

“That’s not-” Tony stopped, and sighed. “Go and get him, would you?”

“I think he’s busy”

“Loki” 

“Alright, alright. I’ll go and get him”

-

Loki waited until Peter’s song had finished, and then gently laid a hand on his shoulder. Peter jumped slightly, pulling his headphones off.

“Oh, it’s just you”

“Your presence is requested in the kitchen”

Peter whined. “Do I have to?”

“Yes”

“Why? What does he want?”

“He wants to ask you something”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t say”

“Aww, please!”

Loki took one look at Peter’s puppy-dog eyes and gave in. “Fine, but don’t let on I’ve told you. He wants to ask how you feel about finishing the term at school”

“Oh” Peter said. “Well, sure. It’s only a couple of weeks, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Do you think you can stay out of trouble for that long?” 

Peter shrugged. “Maybe~. You’ll relay my message, won’t you?” He turned back to the piano.

“Hey, you’re not getting out of it that easily!”

“Aww, but daddy! I’ve nearly nailed that hard piano riff in Burn Down The Mission! It’ll throw off my groove if I stop now!”

“You’ll just have to practice later” Loki said, taking hold of him and lifting him into his arms. “Come along, Elton. Better not leave him waiting too much longer”

-

Peter couldn’t work out why Tony didn’t seem satisfied with his answer. He stayed where he was on Loki’s hip, feeling somehow tiny and mighty at the same time. 

“You’ll go back tomorrow then”

“Why tomorrow?”

“Why not? It’s Monday. Better day than any” Tony said. “You’d better find your uniform so we can get it ready”

“By ‘we’, I take it you mean me?” Loki said.

“Um-”

Loki laughed. “Don’t look so scared! I’ll sort it”

Peter looked at both of his parents, but settled on Tony. 

“This is going to be my last term, isn’t it?”

Tony didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. 

“Did you need anything else?”

“No...”

“Can I go back to my piano now?”

“Maybe take a little break” Loki said. “Your hands must be aching after all that playing”

“I’m fine!”

“Hold your hands out”

Peter did as he was told, reluctantly, and with a bit of difficulty due to his position. Thank god for strong thighs, he thought to himself. Loki took one look at the boys shaking hands and shook his head.

“Let them rest, sweetheart”

“It’s just a trapped muscle” Peter tried.

“You really shouldn’t try to lie to someone as good at it as I am” Loki said.

“Well, I don’t want to lounge about doing nothing” Peter pouted. 

“No amount of baby-face is going to make me change my mind”

Tony watched them together. Bar a few unsavoury incidents after May’s death, Loki always managed to hold it together and be a good father to Peter. As much as he hated to admit it, Tony knew that it was him who was always rubbish is times of crisis. Loki was right; he was a bad father sometimes. Especially since finding out he was a biological father. 

“Why don’t we go for a swim?” he suggested.

Loki and Peter stopped and looked at him, Peter glaring, and Loki very nearly doing the same. 

“...Theoretically... Could a god impregnate a human woman at the same time as a human man, and have shared parentage with the human, so like, the kid had three bio parents?”

Loki looked at him, searching his face. He glanced at Peter, and then back at his husband. He knew what he was getting at.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Anthony”

-

They didn’t go for a swim. Tony started sulking again and went down to the lab, not doing proper work; just attempting to make comprehensive shapes out of solder, while Loki tried in vain to teach Peter some magic upstairs. 

“It doesn’t seem to be taking” he said eventually. 

“Maybe humans can’t do it” Peter said. “I can kinda feel it when you put your hands over mine, but I can’t make any of that feeling come to me naturally, yknow?”

“Well, perhaps you aren’t made to do magic. Maybe you need a spark to begin with.. Ah well. Your talents lie elsewhere”

“I guess so” 

Peter closed his eyes, trying to focus on pushing energy to his fingertips like Loki had said. No matter how hard he tried, it still just seemed so much more like a concept and a metaphor than an actual physical thing he could do. He gave up and opened his eyes.

“It doesn’t work. Can’t you like, transfer your magic to me or something?”

Loki laughed slightly. “It doesn’t really work like that, chick. Now, you should probably go and get all your school stuff together; save having to do it last thing”

“Aw, it’s gonna be tough having to get up in the morning. I’ve completely fucked up my sleep schedule”

“I guessed as much. And don’t swear: you know your dad’ll go spare if he hears you”

“That’s his problem”

“It won’t be when you’re over his knee now, will it? Now go and find your uniform. We’ll sort everything physical and then work on a game plan”

“Alright. But can I ask you something first?”

Loki raised an eyebrow, an always ambiguous notion in situations such as this.

“Why have you been looking at houses to buy in Scotland?”

“Peter, I told you to go and get your uniform”

Peter sighed, shrugged, and went to do as he was told. 

-

He was distracted from his Loki-based thoughts when he found the uniform. It felt weird thinking this would be the last term he’d wear it. He’d hated it so much at the start, and he wasn’t exactly a huge fan now, but oddly, he felt almost attached to it. Aside from the hat. He’d never worn that. In fact, the only thing he’d really done with it, aside from hate it, was use it as a frisbee. It made a surprisingly good one in a pinch. He’d worn Flo’s school hat a few times when she’d put it on him, but the girls had straw hats with ribbon, which were quite universal, and even looked cute on some people. A far cry from the horrible little peaked caps the boys had, which suited only the smallest of the first years and exactly five people in Peter’s years group, one of which was Macy. St Hendricks certainly had its downsides, but at least, despite everyone owning them, the hats weren’t strictly enforced. It had saved a lot of embarrassment. 

Peter looked at his uniform, specifically the jacket and tie. Come to think of it, they’d both taken quite a beating. He was actually on his third tie: he’d train-tracked his first one so badly that the bottom six inches were unrecognisable as a school tie, and he’d been told he had to either buy another one or go on uniform report, and he’d set the second one on fire with a bunsen burner to set the fire alarm off after a teacher had told him that being a famous persons son didn’t give him any right not to pay attention in class. He was still quite proud of that one. Malaki had taken the blame for him though, so he’d never seen any real repercussions for it. 

As for his blazer... well, it was only Loki’s surprisingly perfect sewing and washing skills that had made it last as long as it had. It had been stained with everything you could think of, from blood to poster paint, and somehow still come up clean. It had also suffered it’s fair share of ripped seams and torn lining, and of course the time the back seam had completely given up following a particularly rough drama lesson - another incident which had nearly landed him on uniform report as well as in detention. 

It was quite funny, in a way, how he was perceived at that school. At Midtown, he’d been a bit of a loner, a bit of an outcast, but generally a model pupil. At St Hendricks, he was generally considered a hell-raiser - and it was the teachers who had said that first, not him. When he really thought about it, he could almost understand where they were coming from. Malaki aside, they were used to everyone falling into line and behaving like young ladies and gentlemen. So Peter rocking up and throwing tantrums (and fists), catapulting rubbers at the back of Nigel’s head, pushing Malaki into the swimming pool in the middle of lessons, and pulling drainpipes off the wall while retrieving footballs from the roof was probably a bit of a culture shock for them. 

Not that everyone seemed to mind. A lot of people seemed to have a bit of a soft spot for him, for whatever reason. He’d even quickly won over the new PE teacher, despite famously being bent over the equipment trolley and paddled with a cricket bat during the teachers first week at the school. Even then, he hadn’t really hit him hard (and nowhere near as hard as he’d hit Nigel, who was by his side being disciplined a little bit too often). N-Pet, as he’d quickly become known, was, along with Mr Musgrove, one of Peter’s biggest defenders. Peter had become very good at using his small and quiet side to his advantage, even to such an extent as causing havoc and running to hide behind a teacher he knew would have his back. Maybe he was a little bastard, Peter thought. But maybe that made sense, considering the school he went to. 

Peter took Loki his uniform, but he didn’t stop. He went to sort out his school bag, thinking deeply as he did so. He’d been so sure he’d hate the school, but he didn’t really, not so much. He’d made friends fast enough, and he’d had good times. And weird times. Especially where Nigel was concerned...

Nigel was certainly weird. Him and Peter had essentially been sworn enemies since day one, but, for some reason, Nigel always defended Peter, even covering his back to stop him getting into trouble. And then there was all of their store cupboard encounters. And the time Nigel had asked him to the dance. And that time at Nigel’s when-... Well, Peter didn’t like to think about that. It had ended in an argument anyway, which was very on form. Peter still didn’t know what to make of Nigel, but he was sure Nigel didn’t know what to make of him either. Maybe it was one of those questions that didn’t really need an answer. He didn’t suppose he’d ever see him again after the end of term anyway.

He hoped he’d still see Flo. And Millie. He wasn’t sure about Macy yet, or Malaki. He supposed the next couple of weeks would be a final hurdle where the latter two were concerned.

-

Loki went to find Peter a little later on.

“I was getting worried” he said. “You just disappeared”

“Sorry...”

“...What are you listening to?”

“...It’s called Black Tables”

Loki sat down beside him on the bed. He knew that look, and he suddenly knew why Peter had been alone in here for the past few hours. Peter kept his eyes on his hands. He’d gone too deep into his thoughts, and he knew making eye contact would be fatal.

“You should try playing this some time” Loki said. “It’s got plenty of piano in it”

Peter nodded slightly. Loki was quiet for a moment, and then he rested a hand on Peter’s.

“Sweetheart”

Peter looked up at him, and burst into tears. 

“Oh, sweetheart...” 

Loki carefully put his arms round the boy. At first, Peter didn’t move, but he gave in soon enough and he held onto his father as he cried. Loki slowly tightened his loose grip, and Peter cried harder. He rested his cheek against the top of the boys head, and rocked him gently.

-

The bedroom door burst open, making them both jump.

“Tony! You nearly blew the bloody door off!” Loki scowled. 

“Don’t exaggerate” he looked at Peter, snug in Loki’s arms. “Have you got all your stuff ready for school?”

Peter seemed to shrink away from him. He stayed quiet.

“I asked you a question, Peter!” Tony snapped.

“Don’t shout at him!” Loki shook his head disapprovingly and hugged Peter tighter. “It’s all ready; don’t you worry about that”

“Good. What do you want for tea?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it” Loki said. “I’ve got my hands full”

Tony sighed. “What’s up with him now?”

“I don’t know yet”

He held Peter protectively, trying to shield him - but Peter had other ideas. 

“You’re what’s wrong!” he suddenly shouted. “You’d know that if you cared”

“Sorry, I’m what’s wrong?” Tony said, shocked. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

“I’m not being ridiculous!” Peter shot back. “You could at least admit to how you’ve been acting!”

He tried to pull away, but Loki held onto him, adjusting his hold slightly.

“Peter, stop it” he said. “This isn’t the time for an argument”

“Well, why not?! When is the time?”

“Peter, I said stop”

Peter went quiet, but growled defensively when Tony sat down next to Loki. 

“I think we need to talk, don’t you?” he said. He glanced at Loki. “Just the two of us?”

Peter clung to Loki. He had a bad feeling about this. 

“Well... I could always go and get started on tea” Loki said, letting go of Peter.

“No! Don’t go!” 

Loki couldn’t ignore the urgency in his voice. “What is it?”

“Please don’t leave me alone with him!” Peter begged, keeping tight hold of Loki’s shirt. “He’s gonna do something to me!”

“Oh for gods sake!” Tony fumed. “You’re being ridiculous! You’re just getting all muddled in that silly little mind of yours”

“Tony! Don’t speak to him like that!” 

“Like what?! I thought you were going to sort some food out?”

“I’m not leaving, not when he’s scared”

“He’s not scared; he’s just attention seeking!” Tony insisted. He narrowed his eyes at Peter. “You need to start behaving yourself”

In Peter’s ears, that sounded like a threat. 

“See?! He’s gonna hurt me if you leave!”

“I’m not gonna hurt you! And if I was gonna smack you - which I should, considering your attitude as of late - I’d have no qualms about doing it in front of your father”

Peter started crying all over again.

“Oh, that’s it; turn on the water-works”

“Tony, that’s enough!” Loki snapped, pulling Peter close. “You’re upsetting him, and I’m not sure I like the look in your eyes either”

There was a short silence, and Tony stood up.

“I’m gonna get started on tea”

“You do that”

-

Peter was more than just a little reluctant about going through to the kitchen for tea, but Loki managed to coax him. There was still a heavy atmosphere between the three of them, and Peter’s spidey senses were still giving him grief. As a result, he couldn’t settle. Everything tasted weird, and his throat was tight, so eating wasn’t easy. 

About halfway through the meal, Loki excused himself and stood up. 

“W-wait, where are you going?!” Peter squeaked, struggling up and scurrying after him.

“Hey, hey, don’t look so scared!” Loki said, stopping him. “I’m just going to empty my bladder: I’m going to do myself an injury if I hold it any longer. Finish your tea”

He carefully detached Peter’s hands from his shirt. Peter watched the door close behind him. Suddenly the kitchen felt a little too bright, and he became hyper-aware of the fact that Tony had been watching him. He swallowed, his mouth feeling and tasting weird, as though he’d just had a nosebleed. 

He snapped round quickly when Tony stood up, and took a few steps back. 

“I’m just about sick to death of you, young man” Tony growled. “Now, come here!”

Peter shook his head, his pulse beating in his ears, and took another step back.

“Right”

Tony grabbed hold of him. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have been a match for the boy - but all of Peter’s fight seemed to have disappeared, and all he could do was gasp and flinch as Tony tugged him closer. 

“I’m sick of all your attention seeking and drama performances. You need to learn how to behave yourself”

Peter tried to say something - anything - but that familiar horrible feeling was welling in his throat, choking his words as though he were talking to a complete stranger. The seconds seemed to be dragging, and he felt hot and sick and helpless, unable to speak, shaking, but hardly able to move. He tried hard to pull free from Tony’s iron grip - and was suddenly smacked, hard. It made him jump and flinch at the same time, and before he’d really comprehended what had happened, he was over Tony’s lap, and he was smacked again. And again. And again.

It hadn’t always hurt this much, Peter was sure of it. And it definitely didn’t use to make him feel sick like this, or set his senses off like this. And he’d never been so overcome with fear as to cause his selective mutism to act against his parents. He completely froze, stuck, unable to even gasp audibly. 

But then he heard footsteps. And the door. And then he was suddenly back on his feet - but only just. 

“What the hell is going on here?! It’s no wonder he was so scared earlier if this is the way you’ve decided to treat him!” Loki shouted, putting an arm out to support the trembling Peter. “Those DNA results should have strengthened your bond, if anything:- not made you turn against him!”

“This is nothing to do with that!” Tony insisted. “He doesn’t know how to behave! Cutting discipline out of our parenting-”

“We didn’t cut out discipline! We-” he stopped, looking at Peter. “Are you ok?”

Peter shook his head. He suddenly found his feet, and was out of there in a flash. There was a pause, and then Loki picked up where he left off.

“Just because we stopped smacking him, that doesn’t mean we stopped disciplining him, and you know that as well as I do. And that” he said, gesturing. “Was definitely not what we used to do! I saw, and that was a proper wallop; that wasn’t the kind of thing we ever agreed on. Don’t get me wrong, Anthony: I knew you were going to hit him again sometime soon. But I expected a little spanking, not a good attempt at knocking the living daylights out of the poor thing! What the hell were you thinking?!”

“I don’t know! I was angry! He’s been doing my head in!”

“You’re not allowed to pull that card! It’s no excuse for what you’ve just done! You’re angry at yourself; not him!”

“How’d you work that one out?”

“Because I know you, Anthony Edward Stark! And so I should, considering how long we’ve been together. Peter has not done a single malicious thing since we got those DNA results, unlike you, Mister Stark. Ok, maybe he’s done a few bitchy little things, but only in retaliation to the things you’ve done first. And besides, you’re meant to be the grown-up here: why don’t you try to act like it?”

“...I haven’t been that  bad”

“Is that so? Why don’t we reflect? How about the day we found out? Not forgetting of course your insensitive crack at my infertility, but how about causing an argument over him moving a tub of coffee, which ended in you slapping him across the face? Or how about ignoring all his calls and texts? Sure, you seemed better after that night away, but then you got back to causing arguments and having a go at him for no reason. And-”

“Ok, ok, I get it!” Tony interrupted. “I’m just stressed”

“Oh, and I’m not? Good god. I’m glad he’s going back to school: it’s probably in his best interests to be away from you right now”

There was a short silence. 

“I’m not a bad parent, Loki”

Loki looked at him. He looked at the uncertainty on his face, and the tears in his eyes. He kept looking hard at him, and as soon as Tony started crying, he looked away. 

“I’m going to go and check on my son” he said, and left Tony to his own devices.

-

Loki fully expected Peter to be cuddled up with his elephant, so he was surprised not to see him there. The en suite was empty, as was the bed - both on and under. He stood for a moment, thinking, and then went to his own room, only to find that empty too. He checked the reading nook, and the garden balcony, and then stopped. He knew where to go.

-

Loki opened the door to the store cupboard by the swimming pool. There, beside the mop buckets under the shelf, was exactly what he was looking for. 

“Now, this takes me back” he said gently.

Peter didn’t protest when Loki sat down beside him. He was hugging the May bear, resting his cheek on it’s head. It was made out of a shirt that had been in the box May’s work had given Peter. It usually lived on a shelf, displayed proudly, out of harms way, and Loki had long since learnt how bad a sign it was to find it in Peter’s arms. 

“...Do you ever wonder how his dad was with him?” Peter mumbled, breaking a long silence.

Loki paused. “I don’t think all those scars are from adulthood, if that’s what you mean”

“You dad was abusive, right?”

“Odin? Well. Not physically. Mentally, and emotionally, I think... But when your brain is wired as strangely as mine, it’s hard to work out what was wrong and what wasn’t. He was never really a father, not in the right way. I was there for the wrong reasons. He only saved me to use me as a bargaining chip. He never liked me. I don’t care anymore”

“What about your mum?”

“Ah. Well, she was definitely my mother. I suppose a part of me thought she always would be”

“So what happened?”

Loki smiled sadly. “I fell in love. I haven’t seen her since before I moved in with Tony”

“That’s a long time. It’s gotta hurt, right?” he paused. “She wrote to you”

Loki nodded. “She sent a wedding present. From Odin as well, supposedly”

“Did you ever reply?”

“No” Loki sighed. “There comes a time when it just feels pointless. It would be like looking up someone you met once in a pub and trying to have a meaningful conversation”

“Would you see her again? If you had the chance?”

“The way I see it” Loki said. “If she had wanted to stay in my life, she would have made an effort. There’s a lot stopping me from returning to Asgard. Nothing is stopping her from coming to Midgard”

“Does it still bother you?”

“Sometimes”

Peter raised his head, not looking at Loki, but more open now. 

“Why do some people have such hard lives?”

“It’s simply the luck of the draw”

“We’ve got dreadful luck”

Loki laughed slightly. “Maybe. But we’ve had some good luck too”

“Maybe...”

“Well, I got to adopt you, didn’t I? Despite the circumstances leading to it, that’s some luck, isn’t it?”

A small smile tugged at Peter’s lips. “Maybe”

Loki looked round the store room. There was time when they spent a considerable amount of time in here together. For whatever reason, after May died, it had become Peter’s hiding place. It had stayed that way for a long time, but now it was a little unusual to find him there, and definitely not a good thing. 

“Are you ready to come back upstairs?”

Peter nodded slightly.

“Ok...” Loki picked the boy up carefully, feeling almost as though he’d gone back in time. 

-

Loki sat cross-legged on Tony’s bed, watching him carefully. He was sat looking through a photo album, wet tears still on his face. 

“I’ve never been great at the hard stuff, have I? I mean... Even that year he came to stay with us, and you were so ill... I didn’t treat you great then, did I? I was kinda dreadful to you at times. And I cracked after May died. I guess we all did, but still... All that year... Even that first Christmas, I was all cross. Overreacting to the curfew thing a bit, I guess. And then when he had that building site accident, and the way he played up at that party, I got all cross about that too”

“We both got cross about the party. He did show us up a bit”

“Mmm... I was rubbish with the Kindsprengen stuff. Well, not the take-down, but the kid bit, especially that first week... And I guess I’m kinda responsible for your downfall after the IVF thing”

“You didn’t force the bottle into my hand”

“No, but I enabled it. I was too busy drowning my own sorrows to even listen to you, so you just did what I was doing. We basically isolated ourselves together. I was bad with the kid then, too. Said I’d keep visiting even though you were ill and couldn’t. And didn’t... Gave him up... Argued a fair bit last Christmas too...”

“What are you thinking?”

Tony lowered the album and looked at Loki. 

“I’ve been really bad lately. I don’t think my meds are working anymore. I don’t think they’ve worked for a while now”

Loki didn’t seem to react, but his eyes moved, and they said everything. 

“Tomorrow” Tony said. “You know people will rush me through”

He looked back at the album for a moment, and then closed it carefully. Loki watched him get up and put it back on the special shelf with the wedding album. 

“Do you think we should do couples counselling? Or, like, family counselling?”

“I think we’d be better off actually talking to each other before dragging someone else into it”

Tony sat back down beside him. “You want to say something else. I can tell”

Loki took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s just as well I’m infertile”

Completely without warning, both men broke down in tears. As if by magnetism, they found themselves in each others arms, and as horrible as they both felt, it was still good to hold each other.

-

Peter looked relieved but reproachful when his door opened.

“I thought you weren’t coming”

“I had a few things to sort out. I thought you might have fallen asleep by now”

“I tried, but... I don’t know. Everything hurts and it’s kinda keeping my mind awake”

Loki picked Peter up and sat down with him in his lap. Neither of them said anything for some minutes. 

“...Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?”

Peter nodded. 

“Ok... Grab a cuddly toy”

-

Peter had always liked Loki’s room, and times like this made him regret not taking advantage of being allowed in there so much anymore. It always felt a little ethereal; strange and different, as though it wasn’t really part of the house. It was like a little window into Loki’s mind that showed you what he loved the most, and what made him feel the calmest and safest. It was his comfortable space. Peter couldn’t help but notice how Loki seemed to relax as soon as he closed the door behind them. As though he’d arrived home.

He was quiet. Silent, even. Peter didn’t say anything either. He let Loki set him down on the bed and tuck his toy Peter Rabbit in beside him. He lay there, looking around him while Loki was in the bathroom. Peter liked most everything in this room, from the silken sheets to the family photos, to the old Snoopy on the chair by the wardrobe, to the deep rug by the bed. The only thing he didn’t like was the Betty Boop lamp. None of the little statues bothered him, but the lamp was a big one that was essentially a light up ornament, and it always seemed to watch him. He sat up to look at it - but it wasn’t in it’s usual spot. Looking around, he couldn’t see it on any of the dressers or shelves. He carefully slipped off the bed, curious now - and then froze like a deer in headlights as the en suite door opened.

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Going somewhere, chicken?”

“Your lamp’s gone!”

“Oh? Which one?”

“The Betty Boop on the lamp post one”

“Ah” Loki sighed. “Yes”

“What happened?”

“Well. Your father was showing me his new developments for the Iron Man gauntlets” he said, picking Peter up and putting him back on the bed. “Only it wasn’t perfected, and it malfunctioned a little and fired and... Well. Bye-bye Betty. Beyond repair. Completely shattered”

“That’s awful! Did you cry?”

“Maybe a little” Loki admitted. “So did Tony; he felt awful. He couldn’t find another one online, but I said it didn’t matter either way. Could have been worse, I suppose”

“You really loved that lamp. It took you years to convince him”

“Enough about the lamp, sweetheart. It’s getting on a bit, and you could really do with a good nights sleep” Loki pushed Peter onto his back. “Stay”

Loki turned the night light on and the big light off, and then finally climbed into bed. 

“Have you stolen my pig?”

Peter handed it over. “Do I really have to go to school tomorrow?”

“It’s best that you do, darling. No, don’t start fussing. It’s only a few weeks, and then you never have to go again”

“I guess so”

Loki put an arm round Peter, hugging him close. “Goodnight, sweetie”

“Daddy?”

“Mm?”

“You’re the better parent”

Loki closed his eyes. “Go to sleep, chick”

*