#witty oneliners

[crickit-song]

WOAH BABES HOLD UP THE FUCKIN SHADE

"I got a photo with piers Morgan the other week"

"Sorry to hear that"

SORRY TO HEAR THAT?! DR JONK WATSON MD MY FUCKING LOVE DARLING. THE SNARK, THE SARCASM

UNPARALLELED LEVELS OF SHADE

[johnwatersvhs]

one of the most popular reviews of the year. be for fucking real.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Oh no I get why people follow and then soon unfollow

It's because you saw one of my comments on a random post and thought I was funny, witty, clever even...

And then you got here and all I do is complain about not sleeping and talk about politics and reblog piccolo dbz, and my life is depressing to you, and you can tell when I am in a mood because I resort to 3am bee posting and I know too much random trivia and I overshare

And you decide this isn't the entertainment you were promised by my clown act on other people's posts

This is fair and something I earned.

Safe travels <3

[therealmattnappo]

Mitch Hedberg A Star That Burned Too Bright, Too Fast #shorts

[aldryrththerainbowheart]

I just know that Jason desperately craves love and affection but is completely befuddled every time he receives it.

The first time you hug him he freezes with his arms raised a few inches from you, unsure what to do. When was the last time someone touched him in a nonviolent way? He can't remember. He just stands there as you press against him even more, nuzzling your face to his chest. You show no signs of letting go, so he has no choice but to slowly wrap his arms around you. This is...nice. He realizes as he curls his frame around you even more, inhaling the scent in your hair. Anytime he wants cuddles, he very subtly stands or sits very close to you waiting for you to get the hint. And when you do, he's very hesitant to let you go. Good luck trying to wrestle out of his arms.

He's still getting used to all the praise from you. Every time you tell him how strong he is, how smart, or how handsome he is, he tries to brush it off with some cool oneliner, but his voice is audibly cracking and getting redder by the second underneath that mask. I feel like it's usually Dick who's considered the charmer, the guy who has girls fawning over him. Jason's the scary one. But to you, Jay is not scary at all. He's the most handsome thing you ever laid eyes on, and you make sure he knows that. And after some time, Jason goes out of his way to impress you and get even more praise from you. Flashy moves during combat, dangerous stunts on his bike, and witty comments. All that just so he can bask in your admiration. He visibly puffs up every time you do and there's spring in his step for days to come.

You're not just a fan of Jason Todd, but Red Hood as well. He's your favorite vigilante. Who needs a hero? They're boring anyways. The first time you visit Jason's apartment and see the red mask sitting on the shelf, you have a moment of embarrassing fangirling. You beg Jason if you can touch it, holding it as if it was some holy relic. Jay thinks you're so adorable when you're gushing about every Red Hood prop you find in his place. It's not every day someone admires and not fears the Red Hood. You even go out of your way to make Red Hood merch for yourself, since there are none on the market. When Jay comes from patrol and sees you clutching the bean plushie version of him his heart melts to a puddle.

[toskarin]

Have yuo ever played ∀kashicverse

I was trying to think of a witty oneliner to say yes with but they literally all make me sound like musk saying "NERV" so I'll just say yes straightforwardly!

I think Endless Shirafu was really onto something with the Methods system, but I'm also just kind of a sicko that enjoys when stg add complexity by giving you insane directional inputs

[veilstr1der]

extremely detailed baldur's gate 3 companion asks, taken from here & converted into a repost, don't reblog dash prompt .

general

where is your muse recruited? feynirin can be missed as he's found at the mouth of the back entrance into the goblin camp. he'll attempt to play his being there off but will be outed by the parasite, revealing that he was also aboard the mindflayer ship and survived the crash. he reveals that he's there to rescue the druid h.alsin, informing the PC and co of where the goblin cells are.

do the other companions have special comments or reactions upon recruiting your muse? given all the companions can comment on recruiting each other, i'd say yes. i'd expect sh.adowheart to be skeptical and distrustful due to her training and influence of shar. as.tarion might be a little playful about it, or just annoyed at having to share camp with another weirdo. g.ale might have something to say about a sorcerer being recruited. lae'zel's most likely annoyed at the fact he's wasting time trying to rescue h.alsin. w.yll and k.arlach probably have the most positive comment / reaction since they'd be all for freeing someone from captivity / imprisonment.

does your muse have any comments or advice when you recruit other companions? feynirin's pretty casual, playful, and sarcastic so most of his commentary would be some witty oneliner's.

s.hadowheart : a mysterious, broody cleric who won't tell us anything about herself? yeah, sure, this definitely won't come back to haunt us later.

a.starion : he's charming enough, suspiciously well-groomed, and tried to kill you the first time you met. things can only get better from here.

g.ale : he's got that ' i once lived in a tower and monologued to my cat ' energy. i like it.

l.ae'zel : she's a little rough around the edges, huh? i guess we could always throw her at our enemies like a battering ram.

w.yll : i've heard a lot of tales about the blade of frontiers. brave, honourable, skilled. nobody ever mentioned how handsome he was though.

k.arlach : i love this chick, she's got rage issues.

h.alsin : i'm glad to see h.alsin throwing in with us officially. i've always wanted to see shapeshifting in action.

m.inthara ( moonrise towers only ) : this is a bad idea. i mean, we should save her anyway but maybe don't invite her back to camp after.

j.aheira : if i'd known all i needed to meet the leader of the harpers was to get infected by a mindflayer parasite, i'd of done it sooner.

m.insc : just to be clear—boo's the brains of the operation, right?

what sort of general actions raise or lower your muse's approval? being kind, compassionate or encouraging will raise his approval. outsmarting, tricking or deceiving enemies will also generally raise approval. unprovoked cruelty and rudeness, betrayal, deceiving allies or those not in positions of power, will lower his approval.

are there any instances where your muse can permanently leave the party, depending on PC actions? raiding the grove with m.inthara, leaving the gnomes enslaved to the duergar and / or nere, embracing the dark urge in act 3 will see him join jaheira and minsc, and betraying him in his personal questline can also lead to him permanently leaving the party. feynirin may also leave the party himself if his approval is low enough.

do they have any secrets that can be revealed? what are the prerequisites for the secret coming to light? his " secret " is that he's seeing his dead mentor / friend. this can be revealed through dialogue conversations, the PC must piece together a handful of hints and implications. the PC can press the issue and with successful persuasion or intimidation checks, causes feynirin to " black out ", returning to the dialogue with no memory of the conversation. the PC can get the option to use the mindflayer parasite to force a connection, they'll see an older male dwarf smiling as he turns away before they're psychically " kicked " from feynirin's mind. all of this leading to the reveal that something other than the parasite is affecting his mind.

his secret can be revealed even without these dialogue conversations, if he's given the noble stalk he'll remember disrupting a dangerous ritual and that his friend was slain, opening the questline further as feynirin will be actively attempting to find out what / who has tampered with his mind. also in act 2 there's a cutscene where the PC can find feynirin seemingly talking to himself. pressing the issue by rolling successful checks, using the parasite, or magic can lead to " breaking " the spell which is tampering with his mind. feynirin's memories of disrupting a ritual alongside his comrades will flood back to him and begin the shattered veil questline :):)

do they have their own personal quest that spans the course of the game? can it take different branching paths depending on the choices the PC makes? yes and yes :). by the end of the questline the PC can help break the link between feynirin and a " great old one " that's been tampering with his mind / memory, they can fail at breaking the link which causes feynirin to become a thrall of the " great old one ", losing himself as he's turned against the party, or the PC can choose to betray feynirin to the " great old one ", he'll become a thrall but remain a member of the party to defeat the absolute. there is a secret forth ending that is dependent on the PC's relationship with feynirin and if the party reunited with l.ace harding and n.eve gallus by act 3 in which feynirin will regain just enough of himself to [redacted] himself.

what do they say when the PC asks them to stay in camp and what do they say when the PC asks them to come adventuring again?

asked to stay, approval low to high

you're leaving me here? must be serious business.

fine. i'll stay here. in the camp. don't worry about me. i love staring at dirt.

sure, i'll stay. but if something explodes, i want a full, dramatic retelling when you get back.

a little r&r? you spoil me. just don't get into trouble without me.

i'll stay put. but if you need me, just say the word.

asked to join, approval low to high

let me guess—your first choice said no, and now you’ve come crawling back? let’s just go.

oh, now you want me? convenient.

alright—i’m back in the fray. try not to get me killed, yeah?

finally. sitting around doing nothing was getting a little dull.

i'm with you.

does your muse have any escalating conflicts with one of the other companions like the lae'zel and shadowheart knife-fight? unlikely. feynirin might disapprove a whole lot of actions or approaches to missions from the other companions but i doubt they'd come to blows over them. the majority of the party have come together out of circumstance and his best option is to work with them, not pick fights. he will become quite distant towards s.hadowheart if tav doesn't interfere during the knife fight and l.ae'zel is killed, he'll also voice his disappointment and frustration with tav for not interfering or putting a stop to the s.hadowheart / lae'zel conflict.

are there any unique npc's associated with your muse that can show up in the course of the game? yes! PC can encounter l.ace harding at last light inn, having followed the trail of the absolutist cult and getting stranded in the shadow cursed lands. there's also n.eve gallus in baldur's gate, who's investigating the missing gnomes and can direct the PC and co to the iron throne prison ( and inform the PC and co that duke ravengaard is being held there if w.yll breaks his pact ). if you meet either of them without feynirin the PC gets dialogue to tell him and feynirin will leave camp temporarily to go see them. harding reveals what happened after disrupting the ritual which in turn triggers the cutscene at camp with feynirin " talking to himself ", and n.eve reveals that she's " back on the job ", uncovering a " great old one's " influence over people in the lower city.

are there any moments in the game that trigger unique dialogue for your character? after speaking with the emerald grove merchant, arron, feynirin will comment his disapproval and disappointment with the druids for turning the tieflings away / attempting to lock themselves out of the world. if the PC lockpicks the gilded chest next to alfira he'll reveal that his friend taught him how to lockpick but sometimes a good lightning bolt works just as well ( this dialogue gives an opportunity to ask more about his past ). entering the shadow cursed lands will trigger a dialogue scene revealing that the magic is similar to something that happened to his childhood village, he'll warn the party to stay in the light. the druid and the dying tree in act 3 will trigger some dialogue as well and feyn will join the dragonborn to rejuvenate the tree.

story specific

how does your muse advise the PC when it comes to the dream visitor? at this point there are a lot of things messing with feynirin's head, some of which he's aware of and some he's not, so he admits that he's not the best person to advise on the dream visitor and is actually far more interested in what the PC and the other companions think.

how does your muse advise the PC on raphael? never. trust. a. devil. he encourages the PC that they'll keep searching for a cure, that they've yet to exhaust their options and that there is always a way out.

how does your muse react to astarion biting the PC? he's a little thrown off. mostly due to a.starion no longer being at the mercy of vampiric weaknesses like invitations, sunlight or crossing running water. he does say that he believes in a.starion's ability to control himself.

how does your muse react to the PC letting abdirak whip them? this also throws him off a bit, mostly due to his past and the fact he's been on the receiving end of a whipping and it wasn't willing ( opens up dialogue options later in camp ).

how does your muse react to the PC taking their first tadpole power? concerned, curious, a little grossed out but pretending not to be.

will your muse stay with the PC regardless of siding with the goblins or the tieflings? nope. if you side with the goblins and he's in your party at the time, he'll turn on you and leave the party. the PC's and co will then have to face him at the emerald grove unless the PC kills him at the goblin camp. if he was left at camp then he'll just permanently leave the party.

what can your muse be found doing at the tiefling / goblin party? skipping stones with the tiefling kids ( i know only mol is at the party but come on!! let me have this ), he can be overheard telling them one of varric's stories. when / if the PC talks to him then, they have the option to discourage feynirin from starting his stories with " i shit you not ".

does your muse have comments on who the PC chooses to spend the night with? he whole heartedly encourages the PC to have fun regardless of who it is they're spending the night with and will even dismiss the PC to go talk to their " sweetheart ".

does your muse have unique dialogue if the PC lets them die when they steal the blood of lathander? nothing quite as spectacular as a.starion's crash out. he does ramble on about obvious traps, ancient ruins, protection wards, and accuses the PC of being blind as a bat but eventually cools off and, if at high approval, even apologizes for lashing out.

how does your muse react if the PC licks the dead spider in the gauntlet of shar? " oh, that is not sanitary. " disgusted and mildly concerned throughout but also not exactly moving to stop them.

what does your muse say if the PC tries to force them to go up on stage with dribbles the clown? he's got a boring reaction, he'll just reaffirm that dribbles was talking to the PC and that he doesn't have much stage presence.

is it possible for your muse to be kidnapped and replaced by orin? how is orin's deception revealed? how do they react to the PC rescuing them in the temple of bhaal? yes, orin can kidnap and replace him. orin's deception is revealed through insight and perception checks at camp after finding " feynirin " claiming he can't be trusted, his mind isn't his own, and that the PC has to kill him. otherwise, " feynirin " shows up in the lower city sewers having " escaped " from orin and claiming that he'll hold her off while the PC escapes. upon being rescued at the temple of bhaal, feynirin expresses disbelief and gratitude that the PC came for him at all.

how does your muse react to the PC either allowing astarion to ascend or convincing him to spare the 7000 spawn? feynirin is against a.starion ascending, guaranteeing that the PC would regret the choice for the rest of their life and that what will come of a.starion will be no one's fault but their own. he'll express approval and pride if a.starion spares the other spawn and promises that if a.starion is going to help them in the underdark once the absolute is dealt with he'll join him.

how does your muse react to the PC becoming a mindflayer? can they offer to become one themselves? does their reaction change if they're romanced? feynirin is devastated if the PC becomes a mindflayer, regardless of approval or relationship. he considers it a disservice and a waste. he will offer to become one himself, though he will encourage the PC to kill him once the absolute is defeated. if romanced, feynirin won't tell them to kill him, but will imply that he'll do it himself. if romanced and the PC becomes a mindflayer, feynirin will still be devastated but will also admire them for making the sacrifice and that whatever happens he'll be by their side no matter what.

how does your muse react when the dark urge first reveals their amnesia and murderous thoughts to them? he'll be concerned for them and sympathetic, ask some follow up questions and inform them that he's never heard of such an affliction but that he's willing to help them any way he can. this can take the form of sleeping droughts, or keeping an eye on them in battle.

how does your muse react to the dark urge killing alfira? horrified and disgusted. if they had a conversation prior to her murder about their urges, then feynirin will take the blame for not taking their claims seriously and that he's sorry that he wasn't able to stop them. if they didn't speak beforehand, he'll talk about alfira being an innocent and being harmless, he'll question what possessed them to commit such a deed and be somewhat stand-offish until they earn more approval points.

if romanced, how does your muse react to the dark urge trying to kill them in act 2? he'll be kind of flattered that he's the one the dark urge cares about most in the party. after tying them up he'd be patient and quite gentle with them regardless of what they say / do while tied up. mostly assuring them that he's not going anywhere and that they're safe with him.

romance

is your muse romanceable? are there any specific requirements to romancing them? yes, he's romanceable, and there aren't a lot of requirements to romance him outside of making decisions that would push him to leave the party. there's a cutscene in act 1 where feynirin can levitate the PC at camp and when the spell fails, catches them, they both land on the ground, queue charged tension and a nearly kiss. the PC gets the option to pull away, closing the romance branch, if they don't then feynirin will chicken out at the last moment and won't bring it up again until act 2.

does your muse need to be flirted with to start the romance, or will they approach the PC themselves if approval is high enough? he does need to be flirted with first, and his approval needs to be high enough before he'll start pursuing a romantic relationship. feynirin's a bit of a slow burn, he doesn't tend to take the flirting seriously until act 2 and then he won't approach the PC seriously until after they've reached moonrise towers.

is your muse polyamorous or monogamous? he's polyamorous, though he will ask the PC if they're pursuing other relationships because they're unsatisfied. otherwise, he's happy to share and be shared.

does your muse have a special romance scene at the tiefling / goblin party? yes, when the party comes to an end, the PC can join feynirin for a midnight skinny dip and have another near kiss :) the PC can opt to go in for a kiss and feynirin will immediately get bashful and they end up colliding heads instead, or the PC waits, feynirin starts to lean in only to splash them with water instead. the scene's supposed to be playful and kind of more friendly-flirty than romantic or sexual.

does the romance have different branching paths, or just one route to take? kind of. if the PC fails to sever the link between feynirin and the great old one that's manipulating his mind, then enthralled!feynirin can break free from thralldom long enough to allow the PC to kill him or to escape. if the PC chooses to escape, they'll be attacked by enthralled!feynirin at camp the following long rest. if they betrayed feynirin to the old great one, an enthralled!feynirin who is still in the party can still be interacted with but he is entirely devoted to the great old one. during a dialogue conversation at camp, the PC can kiss enthralled!feynirin but he'll be entirely indifferent.

how does your muse react to the PC breaking up with them, or choosing another companion over them? he's gracious, but will also be hurt and disappointed. he'll encourage the PC and their chosen companion, telling them that he's happy for them and not to worry about him, that his hurt will pass.

what questions can zethino ask the PC about your muse in the love test? pikachu_meme.jpg

what does feynirin long for more than anything? to matter—to be someone others believe in.

tell me, when does he feel most like himself? when he's standing beside those who trust him, proving he's worth their faith.

feynirin—what is his deepest regret? letting down the ones he loved . . . and fearing he might do it again.

if they're poly, do they have a reaction to the PC engaging in a relationship with halsin? it takes a couple dialogue clicks before he realizes what the PC is saying but he gets there eventually. he says he understands the appeal and is supportive of the relationship. the PC can ask if he'd like to join and feynirin will be willing and eager, but advises the PC have their first night with halsin alone.

how does your muse react if the PC has sex with mizora, the emperor, or haarlep? if the PC has sex with mizora and / or the emperor he'll express hurt and anger. if the PC dismisses or disregards his feelings, he'll break up with them ( i think the emperor wipes the companions memories that walk in on them after the fact right? in that case feynirin wouldn't remember so they'd stay together ). if feynirin is in the party when the PC is propositioned by haarlep, he'll express reluctance and disapproval, the PC can convince feynirin that it's just to avoid a fight and that they need haarlep's help but he'll still be lowkey upset about it.

will they join in with the PC and the drow twins? if the PC is taking one of the twins to bed, yes, if it's both, no. and he will disapprove but it wouldn't end the relationship.

what are your muse's plans for the future? do they propose to the PC, or is marriage not something they're interested in? marriage isn't something he's considered for himself, but he would devote himself to his partner and be willing to go with them anywhere and everywhere. he'll show interest in returning to his clan, introducing the PC to them but ultimately, he's just interested in being where his partner is.

free space

so in bg3 feynirin's a sorcerer / warlock multiclass. prior to being abducted by the mindflayer ship and infected with the parasite, he was accompanying his friends varric, harding, and neve, in disrupting a magical ritual that they believed would destroy the material plain by merging it with the dreaming ( another in-between realm of spirits, demons, and other celestial / aberrations ). after successfully disrupting the ritual, feynirin is wounded and abducted by the mindflayer ship. while aboard, the great old one responsible for the ritual in the first place links with feynirin's mind in order to enthrall him. the mindflayer parasite interferes with this link, allowing feynirin to retain his own mind and agency but is still being manipulated and coerced by the great old one.

there are instances where feynirin loses time, he's convinced that his friend varric is still alive and is psychically blocked from questioning it even when confronted. breaking the great old one's hold over him is his questline, as is banishing or summoning the great old one to the material plain.

[thedreadvampy]

I genuinely think the song Heart Attack by Dave might be one of the most devastatingly effective pieces of art I've ever experienced. like once in a while it comes up on shuffle and after it finishes I have to stop the music for a while because I need to sit with it.

I don't know if overhyping it might affect your experience but I think go listen to it. Ideally to the whole album (We're All Alone In This Together, 2021) (and ideally also the album before it, PSYCHODRAMA (2019), which is just So Fucking Good) but mostly please take 10 minutes out to listen to this song, cause it is extremely clever and witty and well-crafted but it's also just a raw gut punch that almost physically hurts to listen to.

The thing is that I discovered Dave basically by accident (I like grime but I don't seek it out much) and I don't want to fall in line with the critics but for real I genuinely think he might be one of the most talented and skilled musicians of this generation. on the one hand he can craft an excellent oneliner (and I cannot explain often I think about the line "squash that beef like fruit and barley," it just tickles me) but on the other like holy shit. he is such a fucking artist with carefully-handled vulnerability his music makes me want to stare at a wall and reorder my priorities he's SO FUCKING GOOD.

[alongtidesoflight]

another thing about the bioware layoffs is that dragon age's writing has had the bite taken out of it a long long time ago

you've had all these writers writing incredible things in DAO only for them to get watered down and sanitised bit by bit by bit presumably because of EAs demands all the way to that point where someone on staff said that they don't intend to write "bleak" things anymore, they want the games to be "fun" and sorry but turning your game into a carbon copy of marvel witty oneliners and One True And Right Good VS Evil experience isn't gonna make it fun or good it's just gonna make it boring and dragon age just wasn't a "fun only" setting to begin with all the source material was there but it hasn't been proper utilised in a very long time

and i sincerely hope every writer that's been laid off and has had to stick to corporate dictated rules for a tad bit too long gets to finally tap the entirety of their creativity and give us something better than whatever EA has in mind for dragon age's husk of a series

[criticalcrux]

@baiika asked:

for rabu from momo; “Are you secretly a badass?”

It brings the onset of a chuckle to him, hearing her say that while referencing him. On some level—absolutely, he was. But he was also humble in every endeavor. It wasn't until he was in the heat of battle or an intense fight that he let loose, lived in the moment and used every faucet of his skills and abilities to their fullest with tremendous focus; a confident warrior in every aspect. Hell yea, he could hold his own and have fun while he did it, too. Always ready with a cool oneliner or witty quip just like his favorite manga heroes, cringe? Maybe. Nerdy? Oh, for sure.

"Wait, what? Who me?" He raises an eyebrow and shoots her a smile. He'd play it off as coy for now.

"Who have you been talking to?"

[thedhananjayaparkhe]

For a Change: #SundayMasti - Oneliner quotes

Here are 20 original, witty, and sarcastic one-liners for you: I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I question my life choices. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. If you’re waiting for the right time, it’s probably stuck in traffic. My resume is just a list of things I’m not doing anymore. The human brain is amazing—it works 24/7 until you have to remember something…

[therealmattnappo]

The Amazing Life, Times and Comedy Career of Richard Pryor

[yourcomedyminute]

YOUR COMEDY MINUTE WITH MARISSA K THOMAS #StandUp #Comedian #Improv #Minneapolis #Minnesota #Stylist #Makeup #Designer #LosAngeles #Winter #Cold #Acting #TooWhite #TooTall #Cookies #Beer #Funny #Stories #Clients #HowNotToSucceedInHollywood #Book #MattMarsh #ScenesFromAHat #Perform #Live #Young #Vixen #Botox #Experience #Female #Cupcakes #Bad #Rap #Witty #Women #Hair #BucketList #Mic #Shaking #Remember #Random #Sleep #Awake #Respect #Oneliners #Outgoing #Old #Man #Son #Funeral #Wife #Died #Sunday #DirtyDancing #Splenda #Daddy #Fired #Restaurant #Server #Scissors #Cut #Sit #Still #Move #Resume #MallOfAmerica #Commercial #Sportscast #Hockey #Weave #Callback #Homerun #GinAndTonic #Bar #Hug #Bracelet #BadAss #Touch #Food #Reservation #Cat #Snappy #Water #Authentic #RealLife #TikTok #Drunk #Celebrity #ChrisEvans #CaptainAmerica #Birthday #Shot #Tequila #ScottEvans #Dodgeball #Chin #Bleeding #TownSquareTelevision #Facebook #Instagram #Time #Comedy #Parenting #Laugh #Zoo #Synchronized #Dance #Strollers #Sync #Chant #DoYouSeeIt #Husband #Gamer #Diablo #Maps #Jump #Evil #Satan #Kid #Devil #Throw #Live #Stream #Humor 

[diary-of-an-girl]

November 21 2023

Witty oneliner

Today was a day and I did things, yes.

Prepared a bit more for my presentation. Turns out I can take a little longer than I thought :)

Also drew and listened to music. But that's pretty standard.

It is that

[traumatise]

and after a response like that, it's no wonder they take this out to the alley just outside the bar. it's far too easy to press damon against the wall, bruise his lips with too rough kisses, fit his hands under that stupid hot costume until there's a lot more breathing going on than an exhausting exchange of witty little oneliners. (and fuck, he sure can keep up with dean on the banter.) he's eager, responsive, in all the ways dean typically loves in a non-vampire partner—dean almost feels bad about it, even, like the vamp needs this or something. learned his name even easier, in fact ("what's your name?" "damon—" "you're kind of a slut, damon.") no matter how pointless it is to the hunt. a bad idea, technically, but it's fine; dean knows what he's doing. remains a pro, actually, at maintaining an emotional distance even while he's feeling up the prey. hey, sue him.

fun's gotta end soon, though. dean won't be the one caught with his pants down when the pretty, desperate vampire decides it's drinky time, as they so often do during sex. so dean reaches under his jacket mid-kiss, drags his stake out while damon's too busy finding out how well dean's tongue fits in his mouth. angles it just right—and he's about to go in for it, fast and unapologetic, when dean's hand ends up ... a little too light. he breaks the kiss, blinks at his empty palm, shifts his attention to the flash of gold just beyond his shoulder—and meets the steady gaze of probably one of the last people he expects to see. stares for a solid second, voice husky as he manages, "what the hell?"

@etcrnalfangs @irasceris !

[kuriquinn]

Underneath the Underneath [3/?]

Temporary Blanket Disclaimer

First Chapter

AN: Not edited yet. But it’s been written, which is half the battle :D 

Manako Inuzuka sits cross-legged on the glass counter of the surplus shop, scowling down at the week’s ledger. She’s not a fan of numbers or mathematics at all, but even she can see that something is not quite adding up.

Which is bad, because when the numbers don’t add up, she gets the blame for it and ends up taking a pay cut somewhere.

And I already practically live on cup-ramen. If I eat any more of it, I’m gonna turn into that Uzumaki kid...

“Oi! What do you think you’re doing?!” a familiar voice demands, and Saburō Izumo hobbles in from the backroom, wrinkled face pulled tight in disapproval. Manako’s boss is a short, skinny old man with threadbare, iron grey hair that sticks out in every direction, and hands permanently stained and scarred from making explosives.

His favourite pastime is the glare at potential customers who linger in the shop without buying anything. When he’s in a particularly overbearing mood, he puts on a set of thick, round pince-nez glasses to magnify his unimpressed stare.

Since he’s not wearing them now, Manako decides he’s just in a complaining mood and not actually angry. She returns her attention to the ledger.

“How many times do I say? I don’t want your backside smudging up the display!” he scolds. “And what happens when you break the glass? You’re gonna die a horrible, agonizing death from blood loss, then I have to find replacement. The paperwork!”

“Relax, old man, I’ve got enough training to know how to channel chakra to my ass, it won’t break the glass,” Manako retorts, not looking up.

“Ungrateful whelp…No respect for your elders…”

She notices something out of the corner of her eye, and upon re-reading a line of numbers, smirks in triumph—she’s figured out why the numbers don’t look right.

“You’ve overpriced the gunpowder again,” Manako points out. “No one’s going to buy it here when down the street they’re practically giving it away.”

“They’re practically giving it away because it is cheap imitation,” Saburō harrumphs, striding over to tap the book in her hand. “This? This is secret recipe. Passed down to me by my father, who got it from his father, and so on for many generations of—”

“Important people who did important things and had no fun,” Manako cuts him off. “You say this every time, but I’m the one who has to look at the books, and the profit margin ain’t ever as high as you think it is.”

“Profit is profit. And if it’s more than what that old fishwife across town is making, that’s enough.”

“That…isn’t she your wife?”

“And I love her dearly,” Saburō says, tapping his heart with his fist. “But home is home and business is business and I will blow her quaint little stall out of the water.”

“Freaky old fool,” Manako says, unable to hold back a smile. “Fine. But you’re still getting ripped off by the guys selling you the powder. I can hook you up with better quality stuff, for much cheaper, if you’d just—”

“Oi!” he scowls at her over his glasses. “This legitimate business. None of your questionable connections here! At least wait until I’m dead and gone and with a nice memorial stone. Then you can run this place like the black market for all I care. But until then—” he shakes a finger at her, “—we are wholesome, family store!”

“Whose financial model is built around selling tools that kill people, with a side goal of destroying your wife’s business,” Manako deadpans.

“Exactly.”

She sighs and returns her attention to the books. “We’re out of the specialty metsubushi. Really popular with all those new Academy students that figure they should whip out the weapons for every little schoolyard fight. We should restock and raise the price. Ten percent?”

“Fifteen. Once the injuries start, sales will go down. Strike while the iron’s hot,” Saburō says gleefully.

And people say I’m devious, Manako thinks with a snort.  “There were a bunch of kids eyeing the Exploding Spheres, too. We should institute a strict ‘chūnin and older’ policy, or we’re going to have Old Man Third after us about responsible selling.”

“Hmph. We’ll put up a sign. When you’re done with those, come in back, we can get started on the orders for tomorrow.”

“You said I could take the afternoon off,” Manako reminds him.

“Why?”

“Because I asked for it?”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

“I know. That’s why when you said it, I checked to make sure you weren’t an imposter using Henge and then made you sign a release form?” she prompts, producing a small, crinkled paper written on the back of a receipt.

Saburō leans in and studies it, as if trying to detect a forgery. “I…suppose this seems in order.”

“Oh, shut up, you know you said I could. You complained all day about it,” Manako rolls her eyes.

“Well, I don’t see why you need to go early. What’s more important than making sure you’re well prepared for tomorrow’s business?”

“I have a date.”

“So?”

“So, I haven’t been out in a while and need a break.”

“Why?”

Manako rolls her eyes. “Because young people—which, I’m pretty sure you used to be a long, long, long—”

“Oi!”

“—time ago, like to go out and have fun sometimes.”

“Young people didn’t have fun when I was your age. They were too busy fighting. And working. And being respectful.”

“Good thing we live now, and not then.”

“Hmph. It’s not that grocery boy again?” Saburō wants to know. “He’s not good enough for you.”

“Thanks, and no,” Manako retorts with false modesty. “It’s the girl at the bakery.”

He blinks. “The one who looks like Princess Gale?”

“Exactly.”

“Feh. That won’t end well,” Saburō shakes his head.

Manako crosses her arms and juts her chin out in challenge. “Are you saying she’s out of my league?”

“I say she’s the sort to make noise and get a person in trouble. And you—you’re the type that gets in trouble.” He pauses. “And yes. She’s out of your league.”

“Gee, thanks…”

“Maybe if you were more respectful girl…”

“Wrong Inuzuka.”

“You should ask that girl at that ramen stand. She’s much politer. Or one of those boys who guard the city gate.”

“Pretty sure those two are spoken for,” Manako replies, amused. “And Ayame doesn’t like girls.”

“Pity. She could bring us lunch if she visited you.”

“I love how my dating life is all about what you can get out of it…”

“I’m old. All that’s left is to live life vicariously through you. Even though you have terrible judgement.”

“Says the man getting ready to start a price war with his wife. I hope she makes you sleep on the couch.”

Saburō waves that off.

“Very well. Finish the books and you can go. I will go and prepare for tomorrow. All alone. Even though I have such terrible arthritis in my fingers these days,” he sighs loudly, heading into the back room.

“You’re not guilting me out of the first afternoon off I’ve had in a month,” Manako calls after him.

“You’ll feel bad when my hands cramp up and I can’t work anymore, and we lose the store,” he calls back. “Or at least when it turns out I’m right about that girl. Then you’ll say, ‘oh, I wish I had listened to Uncle Saburō, and stayed to do my work, because now I still have money and my heart isn’t broken’.”

“Try not to inhale anymore of the ingredients back there!” Manako shouts back, but he either doesn’t hear it or chooses to ignore it.

Crotchety old bugger, she thinks fondly as she goes back to the finances. It doesn’t take her long to finish checking the last tallies up, but just as she makes the final calculations, the door opens and closes.  A beat later, her nose twitches at a familiar scent garlic, toad oil and sake—all barely hidden under a layer of artificial fragrance.

Someone’s been to an onsen recently, she thinks as a figure takes up residence in front of her. Closing the store ledgers, Manako leans forward, propping her chin on her palm to regard the tall, white-haired man before her.

“Hey there, Manako,” he drawls, the smile on his face sly despite how he shows all his teeth. “Have you turned eighteen yet?”

“Hey, Jiraiya,” she replies with an equally sly smile. “Have you contracted syphilis yet?”

The sage’s expression falls flat and he pouts at her. “You are a very unpleasant young woman.”

“And you’re a pervert who should be sterilized for the good of womankind.” She swivels around, hopping behind the counter.  “And yet you’re a legend. The universe is funny like that. Nice sunglasses, by the way. Is that really how you sneak around the continent?”

“Hmph. Sunglasses are inconspicuous.”

“You can tuck your hair into your belt. Inconspicuous left the equation about thirty years ago.”

“Well, inconspicuous is overrated anyway. How else would I attract the attention of lovely ladies looking for love?” he smarms.

Manako wrinkles her nose.

“Gross, but points for the alliteration,” she says. “Are all the legendary Sannin as messed up as you?”

“Trust me, I have the least baggage,” Jiraiya grins, pretending to shoot two ‘finger guns’ at her.

“I don’t think you should sound so proud of that.”

“Well, you’re charming as ever,” he sighs. “Is your boss in?”

“I might be convinced to go find him for you if you offered the right incentive.”

“How about because it’s your job?”

“My job is to mind the front counter. If I go in back, how do I know you won’t steal something?”

Jiraiya frowns. “Would you just go and get the old man?”

“In a minute. You owe me something first.”

“Yeah, yeah…” he digs into his pocket and brings out a thick scroll. “Here are all my recommendations. Your devices work surprisingly well, and I’d be keen to bring a few more out with me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. The problem is there’s still no market for them in the big cities. The population in outskirts villages and the farmlands think they’re great, though. The farther out of the way, the more they like them.”

“Really?” Manako asks, brightening.

“Problem is, they can’t afford your asking price. So, unless you’re willing to donate a bunch just for exposure…”

“I can’t,” she protests. “They cost most of my paycheck to make!”

“Eh.” Jiraiya shrugs.

“Wait a minute—you mean you didn’t sell any? I didn’t give those to you for charity, you old badger!”

“Hey, watch the name calling! And what are you getting your nose all bent out of joint? You’re really angry I’m offering your product to people in need?”

“Well—no, but—I still gotta eat!”

“Then figure out a solution. Find a way to make them out of cheaper materials or something,” Jiraiya shrugs.

“Or people could just stop being terrible,” Manako grumbles.

“Then we’d all be out of a job,” Jiraiya says sagely, still digging into his pack. “But, failed business ventures aside, I’m not coming to you empty handed.” He drags out half a dozen paperbacks with lurid covers. “Here! The latest wonders from the distant lands.”

Manako lets out an undignified squeal that turns into rather maniacal laughter; luckily, no one is there to hear except Jiraiya. “Gimme!”

“Two of those are signed. I met the authors at a writer’s retreat in Kumo. Both ladies were…heh…more than happy to personalise those.”

Manako shoots him a suspicious look. “There aren’t any…stains I need to worry about on these, are there?”

“Don’t be crude, they’re in their original packaging!” Jiraiya yelps.

“Well, I just want to be sure,” Manako replies. “I’m not the only one reading this stuff, you know. I’ve got a friend who might want to read them after me, and I don’t want to explain why he might want to use gloves while handling them... He’s reading your latest now, though it’s taking him forever.”

“Hey, that was just for you,” Jiraiya complains. “If my publisher finds out your sharing my work before it’s even published yet…”

“Relax—the guy’s a jōnin. If he can be trusted with Konoha’s secrets, I doubt he’ll spill the ending of the latest Icha Icha,” she dismisses.

“Better not,” Jiraiya mutters.

“I’ve got a few things to say about that ending, though,” Manako goes on.

“Later. I’m on official business, which means your constructive criticism will have to wait.”

There’s something in his tone that informs her the time for joking is past. While Manako has never been one for blind respect, she also knows when it’s best to let a joke go.

“He’s in the back room.”

Jiraiya salutes and heads in back.  “Stay weird, kid.”

“Not a problem,” Manako says, studying her stack of new books.

She suddenly has a dilemma in front of her.

Kimiko wouldn’t be that angry if I cancelled, right?

つづく

I had fun with this chapter. It’s been a while since I got to write snappy dialogue, and writing Manako I felt like I was channelling myself. I wish I had a boss like her, though…but hey, we got to see her at work, which is always fun ^_^

And yes, in case you missed the obvious, Manako is bisexual. Always has been, from when I first created her ( I have put hints about that in a few other fics...though I don’t know if anyone caught them ^_^)

Anyhow, hopefully this was a nice, lite bit of reading for you guys. It’s been so long since I had a moment to write anything, so I figured I’d start with light and humorous before I get back into the serious stuff. Next chapter we’ll see Kakashi again 😊 and get a little more Kakashi/Manako action. I just wanted to establish that they have entire lives without the other one in it before getting them into an acquaintanceship/friendship/romance. 

Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated! You can also find my tip jar here.

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