#won't read this over bc I'm tired as fuck and I need to sleep

[thecherrygod]

Hm

[latimeria-fell-from-heaven]

#𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐃𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓.

𓆩♡𓆪 being a workaholic is going to kill you one of these days. thankfully, lee comes in with quite a helpful solution. or so it seems. MINORS DNI!!

cw. afab!reader, reader is the doctor, double dragon dicks, slight dub-con, hypnosis (reader is into it but makes fun of lee lmao), dilf, age difference, scent kink, deepthroating, cumming untouched, sensory overload & genital slit/retractable dicks.

lati. thank you so much to the very lovely person who commissioned me for this!! they wished to remain anonymous but i hope you read this and are satisfied with this yummy fic bc i had a helluva time writing it :D

wc. 5325

Your head is going to explode—you're so god-awfully exhausted and stressed that death might as well be imminent. You're going to die from overworking and the endless stacks of papers would be your tomb. Oh god, you're too young to die from work; you haven't even really done all the stuff you've always wanted to do—actually, wait, how old are you again? You don't know.

Kal'tsit and Amiya never really went into any specific details about the kind of person you were before you awoke in Chernobog (well, you think you have a good enough idea of who you once were, but thinking about it makes your head hurt), and they most certainly did not inform you of your age. Well, Amiya did bake you a cake for your birthday and sang happy birthday, but had placed a small handful of colorful candles across the cake that did not indicate your age. And if Kal'tsit knew, then she certainly was in no rush to tell you just how long you'd been around.

But anyway, that's not the point. The point is that you're gonna die. And if you don't die from work, then Kal'tsit would most certainly hang you from the rafters if you didn't finish your work.

It feels like no matter how many recruitment permits you sent off or battle records you reviewed, the pile of documents on your desk was never-ending. It was already so late into the night, and judging by a glance at the clock, most of Rhodes Island should be asleep in their dorms, in the comfort of their beds. Fuck, just thinking about a bed is making you sleepy.

You leaned back in your chair, for a quick breather, and totally not because you're trying to keep yourself from passing out on the spot. Wincing at the sound your back makes in the process—a consequence of having been hunched over for so long. 

Man...looks like an all-nighter at this rate. You can feel your sanity shrivel up at that realization. If you could have a stress cry session, then you absolutely would, but even you know that crying won't get you anywhere.

Your oh woe is me! thoughts are interrupted by the sound of your office door opening. Huh? Who else would be awake at this god-forsaken hour other than yourself—?

"Why are the lights all on at this hour... oh?" There stood at your doorway, was no other than Lee. Wait, why was he awake at this time? Was he unable to sleep and decided to go for a stroll around the landship?

He looks a little surprised to see you still perched behind your desk, but his expression quickly shifts to his usual playful and lax demeanor. "Ah, (name). Are you still processing battle records? Well, I never thought you were such a workaholic. I'm impressed," he whistles, sauntering towards your desk and leaning over to peek at what you'd been working on.

After his quick inspection, he exclaims, "But! You'd better turn in sooner. It's not worth it to break your body doing it."

"While the concern is greatly appreciated Lee, I still need to get this all done or Kal'tsit will have my head," you huff out a tired laugh in response. "Cause... she said she could do that and I believe her."

"Why not ask your assistants for help? I'm sure they'd be glad to be of aid to the esteemed Doctor. I could even be of assistance to you (name), I'm rather good with paperwork." At that last remark, you visibly deadpanned—Lee was the last guy you'd ever ask for help on paperwork. You were all too familiar with his many attempts to avoid doing too much work.

"The last time I tried to ask you for help, you coincidentally got a headache and told me I could handle it by myself."

"But I still help around the office, don't I? I'm quite handy during missions even if I'm no good in a fight." Lee seems quite proud to prattle on about how he's such an excellent little helper at your side, but you're not buying any of it. He may be a smooth talker and, you're not ashamed to admit, have quite the attractive face and demeanor, but you're not exactly keen on letting him boost up his ego.

"Lee, in the last mission I didn't see you anywhere in the fight and when I asked, you said you were the moral support," you groan, lips turned downward in feigned annoyance.

"I sense some hostility towards me, (name)," his tail swishes behind his tall frame vigorously as he pouts almost childishly, but you can tell that he's anything but offended. Knowing the old fish, he was amused by your little jabs and didn't mind entertaining you to alleviate your stress levels.

"Good, feel the hostility you old carp," you were trying to appear annoyed, but the second you made eye contact with the titular old carp, you started snickering and even let out a few laughs, with Lee joining in with chuckles of his own. God, it feels good to throw harmless jabs and just laugh without a care in the world. "Sorry Lee, but even if you lend me a hand, we'd have to be multitasking like nobody's business."

"At least take a break if that is the case, (name). It's no good to keep an engine running on fumes," Lee hums, circling behind your chair to place his hands on your shoulders, applying the most welcomed pressure on your sore muscles. "Why not take a step away from this battlefield of a desk, and relax a little on the couch while I go and make us some tea."

"After all, it would be a shame to let those good tea leaves you keep go to waste."

"Ugh, fine," you whine, making a point of dramatically dragging yourself off of your chair before dragging your feet as slowly as you can. Lee places a hand on your lower back and hurries you along to the couch, to which he takes it upon himself to sit you down with hands that weigh down on your shoulders. You're almost a bit embarrassed to feel how swiftly and easily you sink into the sleek leather, sighing in relief as your tense muscles ease up.

"See, not that hard to relax, now is it? Now sit tight while I go make us some tea." He makes a point of patting your head, and you whine in defeat, unable to bring yourself to swat away his hand.

"Mmm."

Satisfied, he saunters off to the mini-kitchen, humming a song that you find somewhat familiar. You don't remember the words, but you certainly find the melody to be familiar. Maybe it was playing on the radio when you'd paid a visit to Aak in his little lab, and Lee might've just heard it playing on a loop everywhere.

Even though you're supposed to be relaxing and thinking about anything that isn't work-related, the workaholic in you is screaming and wailing like a banshee. You're practically having an internal war, and the workaholic is currently winning the bloody conquest. Figures, you could never put away your duties until you were freed by your own passing out from exhaustion or an operator forcing you to take a step back.

The internal struggle is just too much for you to bear any longer. Just...one little signature wouldn't hurt, right? It wouldn't kill you just to sign one measly little signature. Besides, Lee isn't paying any attention right now and if you were quick enough, then he wouldn't know. That's how that old saying goes right? What you don't know can't hurt you. It totally applies to this situation right now!

Having made up your mind, and taking a quick glance at Lee to make sure he wasn't looking, you scurry to your desk like a subway rat. As quietly and quickly as you can, you snatch the pen you'd left on a small stack of papers, and with a sharp click that makes you wince at how much more resounding it is, you scribble your name onto the blank space. It's a sloppy signature, but it looks decent enough to pass by without raising any eyebrows. Yeah, that's—

"Doctor."

Shit.

When you nervously lift your head, there stands Lee. Except he's no longer smirking. He looks almost, impatient. No, he looks pretty mad. Or is it disappointment? You seriously can't tell, but whatever he's feeling, it's clear that he's not happy.

"Heeyy Lee. What a nice night it is, am I right? Say, why don't we drink the tea now, yeah? Haha..." Crap, he's not answering. Trying to bullshit your way out of this one wasn't going to work, but it was worth a shot, right? "Y, you're not mad are you?"

"No." Yep, he's mad. Ugh, if someone says that they're not mad in that tone, then they're seriously mad! And it's even scarier because you've never seen Lee mad before! "Why would I be mad?"

"That's exactly what a person who's mad would say," you nervously quip, fiddling with your fingers and scratching at your skin. You always do that whenever you get anxious, it’s a really bad nervous habit of yours, even if you always end up peeling back skin right from the corners of your nails and have to snip the small peel of flesh off with your nail clippers.

"I worry that you don't take things to heart, (name). It's like you don't consider others' opinions.." he sighs, sounding more like a parent scolding their boisterous teen for the nth time. Fuck, you're seriously feeling super guilty right now; guess Lee had a bit of practice with three certain operators on the wonders of parental guilt-tripping. "And for that, I fear that you'll need more than just a stern talking to."

"Wait wha--"

Ignoring your confusion, Lee fumbles around the hidden pockets of his coat as he searches for... something? You're tempted to just sidestep him and just lie down on the couch and feign exhaustion. Yet something inside of you wanted to see where this would go, keeping you rooted to the ground. And because Lee would see through your bullshit immediately (curse his keen detective skills).

He mutters an 'ah, there it is,' before quickly yanking his hand out and holding some circular object by a mere thread that you suspect may give out at any moment. You may have only seen the device for a few seconds, but you'd recognize that black-and-white spiral pattern anywhere. Anyone would, given that it was always on those weird hypnosis videos you'd come across on the Internet.

"..Hypnosis? Seriously? What kinda scams are you getting into, my dude..?" While hypnosis and mind control weren't exactly sensational news for you, given what Amiya had experienced with Mephisto and his undead herd, it feels rather silly for it to be used in a situation like this. But seeing Lee's impatient posture and the way his tail restlessly swishes behind, you figure that you might as well humor him.

As Lee raises the circular device to your eye level, you can't resist the urge for an eye roll at the absurdity of this situation. He doesn't need to really tell you what to do, you know that you're supposed to look in the center and let the spiral do its magic or whatever. Like, make your head empty and have no thoughts, right?

"Lee, if this doesn't work and I'm not some bread-dead zombie or whatever, I'll--"

Lee snaps his fingers.

Your body relaxes.

All the racing thoughts in your mind cease.

—Ah..?

"There we go. Just focus on my voice, (name). Don't think about anything or anyone else, alright?" His crooning voice echoes in your head, and it suddenly feels like your brain is being physically rearranged. At the same time, it was as if your brain was melting, being numbed with a strange fog that left you feeling empty——No...no, empty wasn't enough to describe this strange mental hollowness that dominated every cell in your body.

"Just relax. Once I snap my fingers, you'll go back to normal. Okay?" Vacuously, you nod your head, the motion akin to that of a rag doll being shaken about. A little unnerving, yes, but it's a rather humorous sight nonetheless. "Good, good. Not so hard to just kick back and relax is it?"

Lee ruffles your hair, inwardly chuckling as he notices more stray hairs begin to stick up from the mass. It truly completes the workaholic and sleep-deprived image that he’s heard so much about from passing conversation he just so happened to overhear. Though, now that he has you like this, he isn’t all too sure what he really wants to do to you. Or perhaps he does know, but he’s just too accustomed to pushing those thoughts to the back burner.

As his hand trails south before resting against your cheek, his thumb comes to rest against your chapped lips—that was no surprise since he’d seen you lick them so much—and he absentmindedly rubs along the uneven surface.

Lee swallows hard and mutters a small ‘pardon me.’

He dips his thumb past your lips experimentally, circling the thick digit around and coating it in your spit. The warmth of your mouth, the wetness of your tongue, and the titillating tension of this situation chip away at something deep inside Lee. Yes, he was quite the trusted comrade whom you'd seek out whenever he made his visits to the landship. But he knew quite well that there was always a bit of tension between the two of you. It wasn't bad, heavens no, but Lee would have to be a fool to not pick up on the playful smiles, the suggestive remarks thrown his way, how you so teasingly expose the more sensuous parts of your body by bending over...Those were just a few he could list off the top of his head right now.

He could name a couple more, but he's getting distracted by the minuscule whines you produce as he continues to probe your tiny mouth. A part of him wonders if you're responding this way simply because it's him touching you. 

He's decided. Why waste an opportunity as good as this? He grabs your shoulder and guides you to the couch, which he eagerly plops down upon—yeah, he’s pumped full of excitement, who wouldn’t be? Lee makes sure to spread his legs nice and wide; he’s at least kind enough to not make you spread them apart yourself.

"On your knees." Lee winces a bit at how suddenly you drop to the floor, and he's rather inclined to stop and check for any bruising or irritation. But you don't even so much as flinch, hardly showing any sort of reflexive response to the discomfort. Hesitantly satisfied, the detective relaxes the tension in his body. Well, at least you'd simply have to suffer through some scuffed kneecaps, but nothing too serious that would require the attention of a medic.

"Undress me. Waist down," Lee blinks hard as if thinking over his command, watching as you sluggishly fumble with his belt and attempt to push away the countless accessories that adorn his lower half. Somehow, you manage to undo the leather strap and pull the zipper down, revealing grey boxers. Upon noticing you attempting to pull his pants down even further, he seems to realize something. "Actually, scratch that. Just.. just pull my pants low enough. It'll make clean-up easier..."

He mumbles that last part to himself, but thankfully you pay no heed and instead hook a few fingers into the waistband of his underwear to pull it down. What awaits you is a thin slit, though two pink tips of sorts have begun to slowly slide out.

"Well go on. They won't come out if you just keep staring. Make sure you really use your tongue, okay?" You duck your head dangerously close to the protruding tips and swipe a tiny lick that has Lee's hips jolt ever so slightly. Your blunt little tongue teases him relentlessly, easily covering the tips from view and even occasionally dipping into his slit. The detective groans at that, swallowing down the urge to cum right then and there.

"Oh yeah, I don't want to see you touching yourself in any way. This is your punishment Doctor," he ordered, eyeing your hands just in case you got a bit too into this and decided to get yourself off. He couldn't allow that, now could he?

But you remain obedient, latching onto his slit and coating it in your spit in a bid to ease out his cocks. Lee has to admit that you look adorable with your mouth so lovingly devoted to him, and he's almost tempted to order you to touch yourself, to see you satisfying your own base desires without any shame. Almost.

You should be scared. You should terrified out of your mind, feeling your own body acting your will and unable to do anything about it. But, you’re not. Okay, maybe you’re a bit nervous, but it’s the kind of nervousness that borders on feeling good. Normally, you'd be waayy too scared and end up fumbling over yourself in these kinds of situations, but that's not the case here. Your head is all fuzzy, but it feels, like, good? Your entire body feels warm and relaxed, and while that might've been a bit scary to others, all you can feel is a strange pleasure that induces heat to pool into your belly.

Maybe it’s the hypnosis making your brain feel all funny, or maybe it’s because you just like Lee so much, but you find that following Lee’s orders comes rather easy. Then again, it’s just the hypnosis scrambling your brain, right?

With a sudden pop! that sounds perversely wet, the two tips push forward and expose the rest of his manhood in all its glory. You don't react, don't pull your head back out of surprise, and as a result, his cocks push right up against your face. It'd be comical if you'd reacted with any sort of surprise or nervousness, but there were no such expressions on your face.

He's..he's really big...♡ He has two cocks, both shaped like elongated teardrops, and have a sort of pinkish-red color to them. They look really smooth, save for a few prominent veins that pulse rapidly. Even despite your relaxed body, you can't help the small pang of anxiety at the thought of those... going inside of you. Would they even fit..? Your cunt clenches up just thinking about taking his cocks all the way inside. He'd... he'd really break you if he was gonna fuck your cunt with them...♡

"Suck." Lee watches quietly, his face expressionless as he awaits your obedience. Sluggishly, you nod, and slowly press your lips against the left one—well, your left. Your earlier guessed observation of his shaft's texture proves correct, as the almost unnaturally smooth surface seamlessly slides against your lips, and dribbles of precum stick to your skin. You open up your mouth and begin to suckle on the tip, the sleek texture of his cock allowing it to slide into your mouth more easily. 

Lee jolts, clearly being rather sensitive right there. “Fuck, that’s--shit!”

His cocks have a really funny smell; it's all musky and thick and it makes your head spin every time you breathe. It's the kind of smell that you can't help but get addicted to, wanting to breathe it in more even if you're supposed to find it off-putting. Acting on your desires with nothing to stop you, you inhale an extra bit of air as you bob your head up and down on his shaft. Who knew that just the smell of his shafts would turn you on even more? Lee doesn’t seem to notice your strange scent obsession, and if he does, he gives no sign of stopping you anytime soon.

"Excited are we?" He breathed out, hitching a noise that suspiciously bordered on a sensual moan as you pushed your head down to the base. When you repeat that motion, this time Lee moans, a husky and rumbled noise that strikes straight into your core. "Q...Quite gifted with your mouth, aren't you? I wonder where you learned to be so skilled?"

He sounds a bit mocking as if the possible scenario of you on your knees before another man really grates on his nerves. His jealousy wasn’t really rooted in much plausibility, though, since you had often spent countless daydreams conjuring up scenarios like these with Lee in mind. Maybe that’s why you’re so enthusiastically sucking him off even with the hypnosis supposedly making you more robotic—it simply allowed you to act on what you’ve always wanted to do.

Thanks to Lee's little hypnosis trick, your gag reflex is practically nonexistent, evidenced when the pointed tip of his cock hits the back of your throat and all you react with is a muffled moan. Though you’d be ashamed to admit that you’d secretly been testing your gag reflex with a banana whenever you were alone in the break room. It was for science, you swear! And you can get away with saying that because you technically were a neurologist! When scientists do this, it’s an area of interest, not a fetish.

He’s beginning to leak a lot more, salty and oozing pre-cum starting to dribble out in thicker amounts, both inside the confines of your throat and his other cock dripping on your clothes. It even tastes funny too, all salty and bitter and thick—was this even really his pre-cum, or is Lee just really pent-up to the point where he’s leaking out so much? The wise Mr. Lee really was just a perverted old man in the end.

Well, you’d be a hypocrite at this point since you aren’t exactly faring much better either. Your cunt’s been practically melting, slick juices rapidly pooling down and drenching your panties to the point where it’s already started to ooze through. On reflex, you start rubbing your thighs together the best you can, but with how your legs are spread, it comes off as an awkward little butt wiggle. It’s barely enough to even really stimulate you, much less properly get you off, but what little friction you can work up soothes that aching heat, if only barely.

Lee’s moaning a bit louder now, your tongue rubbing the underside of his dick with the kind of pleasurable tickle that makes him want to cum already. But it’s not enough for the detective. He needs more than this. His other shaft is just awkwardly rubbing against your face, with hardly any stimulation other than the feel of your skin. And that couldn’t have possibly been enough, now could it?

“Hey, d-don’t leave this one all alone,” he mumbled, jutting his hips forward in an attempt to get your attention on his other cock, all lonely and unattended to. Though all he succeeds in is shoving his dick further down your throat. “Give it some attention too. Use your hand.”

Giving him a moan of obedience, you clumsily raise a hand to wrap around his poor ignored cock and begin to pump. After barely even a few pumps, when your hand comes back up to enclose the pointy tip, your palm, and fingers are coated in thick globs of pre-cum. They make the motions of your hands easier, the wet glide allowing you to better pleasure him and give the tip that soft squeeze that makes Lee ooze more juices. You can feel a few veins that add a texture to the smooth wet surface, and when your fingers rub against them, Lee shivers a bit.

It’s still a bit difficult to comprehend that he’d be this pent-up to be leaking so much—maybe it was a Lungmenite thing, they were technically dragons after all. But another whiff of that addictive, musky smell and you stop thinking about it.

Clearly, the double stimulation was proving to be too much for Lee, because he orders you to “stop” with a shaky voice, completely different from how smug and charismatic he usually was. You obey, with his dick still stuffed down your throat and his other dick being gently held at the base. He has to take a few moments to breathe in deeply before he gives you his next order.

“P…put both of the tips in your mouth and jerk both of them off at the same time until I cum.”

Your compliance is immediate, and you have to pull his dick out from the depths of your throat (which makes Lee jolt and groan at the loss of heat) and pull at his other dick so it’s angled towards your mouth. He winces at the tugging on his cocks, but as soon as your tiny mouth simultaneously licks on both tips and your hands begin to jerk off both lengths, he forgets all about the discomfort. He’s more focused on your frantic movements and the building crescendo of muffled moans as if you’re moving in tune with his reactions and approaching orgasm.

But in reality, you’re on the verge of bursting yourself; that burning hot coil in your lower belly has become unbearably tight and even if your brain is all fuzzy and feeling weird, you still feel of pang of desperation to reach your climax as well. Your body acts on those desires for you; sucking harder, jerking faster, licking all the sensitive spots—

“Dammit, you—(name),” he panted, expression all scrunched up,” make sure you drink it all up. Don’t… spill!”

He shuddered and dug his fingers so hard into your skull that he’s probably leaving imprints behind on your scalp, but that’s the last thing on his mind right now. From the way he pulls down, your teeth grazing against his tips—he wants to keep them in there as he finishes in your mouth, grimacing hard enough to reveal sharp canines and wheezing your name, the sensation clearly is a lot for him. It’s enough that you gag a little, greedily gulping down the gooey release as best you can to keep up with the excessive amount that floods into your mouth.

There’s just so much; would he fill your belly with lots of thick cum when he fucked your pussy?♡ If he came this much from a simple blowjob and handjob, then how would there be when he finally worked his way to your cunt. You… you’d definitely get knocked up with his babies if he came inside...♡ Just the mere thought of Lee possibly impregnating you with his potent seed is all it took, and you were coming for him, seizing up and sobbing with a few selective moans—incoherent and sweet.

It takes a bit longer for Lee to come down from his climax, your warm mouth milking his dick for a few more spurts of his release, but he practically collapses against the couch once it’s over. It was most certainly the strongest orgasm he’s had in quite a long time, so he just needed a minute to calm down, that’s all. So he sucks in a nice deep breath from his stomach (diaphragmatic breathing was certainly beneficial for the lungs!) and breathes out heavily—

The audible sound of gulping quickly snaps him out of his stupor, and when he glances at you, he catches a glimpse of your cute stubby tongue swiping at the excess release on your skin.

"Did you—?" Lee jolts forward like he's been hit by a lightning bolt and for a moment he looks flustered, his thumb pressing your jaw down without any resistance as he scans your slack mouth. He'd been so focused on the high of his orgasm that he forgot that he was going to order you to spit it out. "Hah, you really swallowed it all, huh?"

You don't answer him, hazy eyes staring up at him blankly as he thumbs away the small streaks of his release on the corner of your lips. It felt rather strange to see you so quiet, considering that it was commonplace for you to be throwing teasing remarks his way. Well, if he ignored the fact that you were hypnotized—

"Oh right, forgot you're still hypnotized. Sorry about that," he murmured, mostly to himself. Heh, look at him, forgetting that he'd hypnotized you and had to snap you out of that trance. He really is getting old if he can't keep track of that. With a graceful flick of his wrist, Lee finally snaps his fingers, the sound as crisp as the crunch of an autumn leaf that resounds in the empty room.

Like a switch, the haziness in your eyes fades away, and the familiar twinkle returns. You blink. Once. Twice. Your eyes dart around the room, seemingly a bit nervously before they land on him. Realization seems to hit you and—

"You are such a horny fuck, y'know that?" Yeah, there you are. You're certainly back to normal, with no repercussions whatsoever. Well, except for him getting a bit of an earful from you, though Lee can just smile as your words go in one ear and out the other.

"Ugh, you dirty old man, my underwear's all sticky now," you hiss, shifting your thighs and grimacing at how slick your inner thighs are now. Lee breathlessly chuckles, flashing you a lazy smile as his body sinks into the couch. When you attempt to lift yourself up, you huff once the familiar pins and needles feeling makes itself apparent in your legs. "And I can't feel my damn legs, and—ow, my fuckin' knees..."

Hearing the metal clink of his belt, you realize he's attempting to slip on his pants in a somewhat presentable fashion. Oh, you thought he would touch you even more, and—wait, were you seriously disappointed by him not going further? Geez, what's wrong with you?! This wasn't like all those hentai stories where the girl becomes a slut for the guy's cock—everyone knows that hentai has the worst logic imaginable when it came to sexual happenings!

Besides, Lee would have to at least take you out to dinner and wine and dine you before you can officially admit that you'd be a willing slut for his cocks. You have standards!

"Now now, no need to fuss (name)," Lee hums, paying no mind to your rather cute attempt at a threat, having long gotten used to your little quips. "Have some tea, it's still warm; it'll soothe your nerves."

"You seriously think a cup of tea is gonna calm me down?" You gawk at him incredulously, grunting as you force yourself to stand up. Grumbling a quiet thank you as he places a steady hand on your hip, you plop down unceremoniously on the couch next to him. "Because you're right. Gimme that."

You hold out your hand like a child asking for a cookie, and Lee places the cup in your open palm, but not before shaking his head and snorting at your childish mannerisms. After pouring himself a cup and inhaling the rich aroma of the tea, he finally takes a sip and sighs in contentment.

As you sip at the lukewarm tea and bask in the atmosphere, you ponder whether these late-night relaxation sessions will occur regularly. Heh, you suppose that you're a bit of a masochist if you find this stern admonishment enjoyable and something to look forward to. Perhaps next time, Lee will go even further than what he did this time. A delicious shiver runs up your spine at the thought of all the ways the laid-back detective could toy with your body.

If that was the case, you were looking forward to next time.

© latimeriafellfromheaven

[memberment]

good morning everyone!

I have ruined my sleep schedule. Someone save me LMAO

(10:00) as I reach the end of what I've written for morning glory, I grow tired. I need to take a nap. Will I finally finish this Fourth of July chapter today?? Perhaps.

But no one and I mean NO ONE is allowed to let me forget I need to incorporate the mostly bit at some point. Like there are so many canon refs in here it's SCARY. I NEED THE MOSTLY BIT IT IS MY FAVORITE CARTMAN BIT. NO ONE LET ME FORGET!

(6:11) this is my third good morning of the day, second on record good morning, first on record crying over my writing.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE GONNA DIE I'M GONNA THROW UP

(I'm literally not okay I need to stop writing tragic creek)

(7:04) Guys I'm almost done with my morning glory reread and when I tell y'all I just nearly died from shock bc Craig casually mentioned he 'Doesn't believe in coincidences.' Like, it's such a benign statement but after WRITING his storyline in Genesis and randomly seeing something like that in the wild that I totally forgot about almost just took me out.

(10:20) Guys after I reread this Genesis chapter and code it I AM OFFICIALLY WORKING ON MORNING GLORY AGAIN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO (This Fourth of July chapter will get finished tn I SWEAR TO HECK!!!!)

(And then I get to read my fav once its like 5am bc I can only read my fav fic at like 5/6 when the sun is just coming up and my room is perfectly cold and I'm almost ready to go to bed but not quite the vibe is JUST RIGHT here's to praying to the gods we don't believe in I get blessed with an early chapter(bc I have literally been trying to space them out and save them and sometimes I do get lucky and get to read two at once and it's literally the best istg))

(11:17) I forgot to reread said chapter and quit at some point but tell me how Morning went from 84.6 (?? ish) to 86.1k?? LIKE HELL YA LETS GOOOOO WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

(11:29) It's not, like, haha funny, but I find it so painfully hilarious that I keep going back and forth between writing like fun wholesome dirty mountain kids figuring out life creek and then like them literally DYING for each other with the most gut wrenching dialogue surrounding it all. My brain needs to be studied, I fear.

(3:28) I just spent like the last 30 minutes being a fucking lunatic BACK TO MORNING GLORY!!! We're at 87.1k ... Which like, honestly, for me on hiatus??? I'm kinda impressed. Kinda proud of myself. (Not to mention the other shit I wrote that is not Morning Glory today, because I did write some of the most gut wrenching shit for Revelations just because I felt like writing angst LMAO)

(5:14) I know I've said this before. And I'll probably say it a million times. Jack stands on business and it's so FUCKING FUNNY. Like 'killing him won't solve anything'

'yeah but it'll feel good!'

LIKE OKAY DAMN LMFAOOOO

(6:27) and tonight I shut down with 89.7k

Which like, holy shit, yippie. 4th of July is done, they're doing powerpoint night, and I am just that much closer to being done with summer.

[1eos]

Hi, just read your post about immigrant mothers ruining their kid's jobs. My mother is not an immigrant but she's asian and she cannot for the life of her be considerate with my previous job situation.

I earned 2k monthIy. It's quite low bc we're poor and I have to use half of my pay to support my family. So I decided to take this remote part time job for savings (not just for me but for the family also) and bc of that I am almost in front of my laptop 24/7. It's a report writing job and usually I would have 2 reports weekly to be submitted within 4 days.

My mother hated that I am always in my room doing work and would get so angry because "I listen to the employers more than her". She would make me do a lot of house chores when she knew I was tired from work just to spite me, saying that in the house I do the least chores???? Yeah bc I have a deadline to catch OMG.

Usually I would plan my week for the reports but then she would make me drive her for errands etc and would guilt trip me if I don't do so. Because of this I would stay up all night trying to finish the report just so that she won't throw a fit. Also, I have 2 other brothers who have a lot of free time but just for gaming, not for chores.....but somehow I'm the bad guy......which also makes me believe all asian mothers are "boy moms" but that's for another day.

The problem about these mothers is not because they don't understand their children. It's because they DO NOT WANT to. Because if they do, it means they have to listen/cater to you; not the other way around. They rather die than doing THAT.

first n foremost i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate that you're going thru this :(. it's truly thee worst to be sabotaged by a mother its truly so insidious and too many ppl in this day and age think its cute or like something we just have to suffer thru bc hey that lady gave birth to us and helped raise us. like the idea that GIRLS --bc they rarely if ever do this to sons--are literally put on earth to toil and suffer and serve their mothers, brothers, aunties etc until some man comes along and then u serve him w no thought or care for ourselves until we die is sooooooooo pervasive.

like its so sad that in 2024 you have someone purposefully going out of her way to sabotage your hustle :(((((((((((((((((( and i won't do the annoying 'just move out!' bc trust me ik how hard it is to move out right now!!!!!!!!! i will say i hope you maintain the strength and energy to persevere thru the sabotage 😐 you will win. misogyny will not win! m*thers who are mad that their daughters aren't just rolling over to be the family doormat. and its like? you'd think they'd be happy but that post partum jealousy is something else i'll tell you that

i still remember being a kid and my mom waiting until i was totally asleep to force me awake to put two dishes in the dish washer?????? and would be yelling and totally pissed off that im not standing at attention to do the dishes at 11pm 😭😭😭😭😭 bitch i was in literal rem sleep why are u screaming at an unconscious child? just lacking control or excitement in their own lives and take it out on their daughters its fucking sick

bc you're right lolllll its not that they 'dont understand' they deadass do not want to. which is why i don't believe in extending grace for bad mothers in a lot of these situations bc why the hell do i have to put myself in YOUR shoes and suffer disrespect always thinking about YOUR feelings when for the first 18 years you were the ONLY adult??? absolutely bizarre. i hope one day we can stop lighting up mothers for shit they can't control like crying babies or having to breastfeed and clock them for the way theyre cornerstones in keeping the patriarchy alive. and the specific bullshit mothers dole out and get away with it bc society expects total devotion to mothers especially from daughters like i need everyone to wake it up bc there's nooooo reason for a grown ass person to be sabotaging you like that! a lot of us are living in the house with our worst opponents and i hate it!

but bottom line? I AM ROOTING FOR YOU ANONNNN WE WILL MAKE IT OUT OF HERE I PROMMY

[marirynryn]

Hi uuuuuhhhh can we talk abt how much of a fucker Bosie was??? I'm reading 'De Profundis' of Oscar Wilde (A letter he wrote for Alfred Douglas, aka Bosie, while he was in prision) and it's I'm not even in the half but for now Oscar has recompiled a lot of shitty things that Bosie has done to him in all of the years they've been "friends". Like. Bosie at one point, due to all the extravagances and luxuries he afforded daily WITH THE MONEY OF WILDE got him to bankruptcy. In words of Wilde, "...If I remember you that all the time we were together I didn't never wrote not even a single line-...-Mi life, while you were at my side, was completely sterile and uncreative" : Bosie freaking drained the life and inspiration out of Wilde, and all the times they were together, he couldn't focus on anything but Bosie bc if he did Bosie would get mad. Oscar was tired of getting away from Bosie just to go back to him again, he even tried to convince Bosie's mother to get him out of the country (and his mother agreed with Wilde, confirming that Bosie had the Bitch temper™ of his father), but some time later Bosie begged his mother to know how Wilde was, where he was, and said that he "wanted to see him again, even though it was only once". Oscar even says something like (I won't quote bc I would probably get it bad lol) 'Every three months I would try to break our friendship, and every three months you would convince me again of being close to you, even if I know what danger you mean to me'. LIKE BOSIE LITERALLY ATTEMPTED AGAINST WILDE'S LIFE MORE THAN ONCE WTF there is one part in this letter that narrates a time when Bosie got sick, and after 5 days of Wilde taking care of him in the most endearing way, Wilde falls ill thanks to Bosie, and what did that bitch do? Go to eat at a fancy restaurant with Oscar's money while Wilde was dying in an apartment he rented. My men made Bosie promise to 'at least eat dinner with him', and when he didn't appeared at dinner time, Wilde wrote him a note remembering the promise and goes to try to sleep, but after getting insomnia due to his sickness wakes up and goes to the kitchen for some water, and there it is, Bosie, angry af with Wilde bc of the note, and fcking attackes him verbally like 😭 and not even a day after, Bosie gets into Wilde's room to make up excuses, and when Wilde just says to him to get the fuck out of his room, the bitch with Bitch temper ™ once again tried to hurt him.

I'm open to opinions, I haven't finished the whole letter, but I felt like saying all of this because, of the little things and image I've got to see people have of Oscar's and Bosie's relationship, is really not mentioned all of the crap Bosie made to Oscar, and is more like "hehe Wilde was a gay gay homosexual gay who love Bosie", I mean- It's true- but still, Bosie didn't really showed affection or AT LEAST care for Wilde, and lemme quote this bc this words of Wilde narrating the time when he and Alfred met after Alfred being like three months out of the country: "When I got to Paris, your tears, spilled over and over again throughout the whole evening, that fell on your cheeks like rain while we ate first at Voisin and ate dinner after at Paillard; the unfeigned joy that you showed when you saw me, taking my hand whenever you could, like a sweet and petinent child..." Is SO beautifully sad because this is one of the only times Wilde mentions that kind of affection coming from Bosie, and also days before Bosie's father accused him from sodomy, accusation that got him in prision.

Like yeah I get it Alfred Douglas was fine af but all that crap isn't worth it for just a dick Mr. Wilde, you freaking masochistic.

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OK THANKS FOR HEARING ME OUT I REALLY NEEDED TO GET OUT THAT FROM MY SYSTEM sorry if the English is really broken, it's not my first language, also the quotes are not the ones from the English translation of the letter(? I think idk I'm reading it in my language so I took the quotes and translated them literally.

[troglobite]

alksdjflkdsj

https:// twitter.com/chescaleigh/status/1704457124959637787

Thoughts re: that tweet and this whole topic and exchange, but i'm really fucking tired and need to sleep so i can't be coherent so i'm not joining the convo on there

chesca is a black woman and that 100% has something to do with this. people CONSTANTLY ask marginalized folks incredibly stupid, easy to search, simple, basicass questions and DEMAND that they spend their time and energy holding their hand and answering them thoroughly and catering to their millions of potentially bad-faith questions

so telling her that it's a normal wonderful human socialization i'm like stfu what are you even talking about

this is a manifestation of an already extant behavior that was learned because of social stratification and prejudice

it doesn't exist in a vacuum and it's ridiculous to act as though it does

ALSO

there's a difference btwn

'this is a really interesting topic! is there somewhere specific that i should start looking for more info abt it?'

and

'what is this book abt? does it cover x? where can i get it? does it have an audiobook?'

the first question recognizes a broader category of something that might be more complicated and nuanced and implies that you trust the person's insight--or the fellow commenters' insight--and so you're seeking guidance to start looking yourself, bc you want to make sure you're reading reputable stuff to begin with. important and cool, esp in this day and age w everything being completely fucked over by "ai"

chesca gives an example here too https:// twitter.com/chescaleigh/status/1704453512871264448

the second question is purely entitle to that person's time and energy and a lack of curiosity abt your own fucking ability to look shit up yourself

for example, a comedian who--on EVERY platform they have, on EVERY post they make--says "here are my current tour dates. to find out when i'm in your city, sign up for my text and/or email list"

and people comment "when are you coming to my city?"

MAYBE READ THE FUCKING TEN DOZEN CAPTIONS THAT FUCKING TOLD YOU WHERE YOU FIND THIS FUCKING INFORMATION YOU ENTITLED DIPSHIT

and also https:// twitter.com/JennyWHOA/status/1704348165426622465 this reply to franchesca

like ??? you have a world of information at your fucking fingertips but you won't do a quick google or other search engine search for a SIMPLE EXCHANGE? it would take, at most, 10 seconds. literally what the fuck.

i think the other part of this is like, mindless algorithm training.

everything has been automated and uses datamined bullshit. they simply purchase all of your information and i think gen z in particular has gotten into the habit of having everything fed to them

hence the whole thing w the use of ao3 and deleting/reposting their fics "for the algorithm" which again DOES NOT EXIST, AO3 IS A FUCKING ARCHIVE, among other things

i know we have joked in the past abt having to go past the second page of google results, but that was when it was an actually functioning search engine. and you'd probably find your answer within the first 5.

now? good fucking luck.

so on the one hand i can't entirely blame them, the enshittification of the internet is happening at the same time as they're being brainwashed and coddled by the algorithm training and all that shit

but it is ridiculously frustrating when ppl demand shit like this

get into the habit of looking shit up yourself, holy fucking shit

i cannot express the lengths i go to before asking someone a question

i think it through myself

i give it a few quick searches

i scout around a little bit more for context

and if i'm still somehow unclear and can't find anything, THEN--

i will evaluate whether this is crucial information or something useless and silly

and then if it's important or relevant to me, THEN i will ask what is going on

there's a chance that sometimes i swing too hard the other way bc i fear being irritating to other people, so ppl don't have to follow my example exactly

but also what i do really isn't that much and doesn't take that long

anyway the original video that it was all about/started by

https:// twitter.com/55mmbae/status/1703521133507862801

is this obsessive individualistic and entitled bullshit

this person apparently made a second video that was about how this is also emotional and moral immaturity and basically parading around trying to prove to other people how morally pure and perfect and superior you are by asking this kind of shit

and i think it's true, and also this sickening individualism and entitlement

like

"hey my algorithm is made exactly for me, so why is this video not made exactly for me? why didn't you think abt me before making it and appearing in my feed? >:("

i legitimately think that some ppl have so little thought abt this process that THAT is the way they approach these videos and this 'content'

the algorithm is for them, so why isn't everything? when the algorithm gets it wrong, it's like they considering interfacing w tiktok to be the same as interfacing w the specific person who made this ONE video

and i think this behavior has a more negative counterpart or flavor

and that is

"your positivity post made me, personally, upset, so i'm going to respond directly to you and to everyone who can see this post and tell you all to feel ashamed for enjoying it or having it make you feel better, bc it made ME feel bad, and you didn't consider that. how dare you feel positivity abt something that isn't actually harmful to anyone, but hurt my feelings personally and possibly hurt other people's feelings, too."

i JUST saw an example of this on here bc of how notifications work and it pissed me the fuck off, but i'll use something else as an example instead

the trend on here of the arguing over what counts as REAL self-care

that shit

someone will say "self-care is forcing yourself to do the chores and self-caretaking stuff you don't wanna do, bc it will actually help your health and help you feel better"

and someone goes

"wow this is so fucking ableist. i can't keep myself clean or brush my teeth and fuck you for holding us to this incredibly ableist standard."

doesn't matter if the original post said "in whatever way works for you" or didn't even mention specific methods of hygiene, this person gets angry and insecure and lashes out

and instead of making their own post about it to help other people like them

they respond to that post, where EVERYONE and op can see and will get notifs about it, and make them feel bad for sharing a piece of advice or a post that actually DID help them

bc like the video says: incredibly, sometimes, you are just NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR THAT THING

have i read a positivity post and gone "wow this made me feel bad about myself. welp, doesn't apply to me, i'm gonna process my own feelings and move on, bc the post itself didn't actually do anything wrong."

for example

"i hope everyone knows that there's no deadline for relationship/dating experience or life milestones! just bc you haven't kissed someone by 25 doesn't make you immature or bad or anything!"

now am i 28, almost 29, and still have never dated someone? yes. did this fictional example post based on some stuff i've actually seen make me incidentally feel kind of shitty? yep, it did.

however--

25 was an arbitrary age they chose as an example. there's nothing in the text of the post that suggests they think that's "too old" or THE cut-off point, past which you're pathetic

the post itself was positive, and is likely aimed at ppl who think life is over at 25 bc they're super young and everything feels high stakes

and at one point, that would've been me--

but it no longer is, and so i am not the target audience.

and so what do i do?

i ignore the fucking post and move on with my life.

what do i NOT do?

reply to the post, so that it appears in the notifs of op and whoever rbed the version i'm seeing, to say

"WOW how fucking dare you cut it off at 25. so what, ppl who never have a relationship are failures? we still have to meet all these life milestones, period, to be considered a decent and successful person? what the fuck is this."

to do that would mean that i fully, in bad faith, read WAY too much into what they were saying, and made it about MY feelings and emotional reaction to a COMPLETELY INNOCENT POST THAT WAS MEANT TO HELP MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER

now before anyone does a bad faith "but what about" response to my own fucking point

a post that says

"it's okay to get married after the age of 25, a lot of ppl do it, the important thing is that you find someone and are married and can start building your family :)"

is a shitty post that holds people up to social norms and standards and has a lot of VERY CLEARLY baked in assumptions and judgments.

it would be totally fair, if you wanted to, to reply and say "hey dude have you considered that ppl don't actually have to get married or have a family to have a fulfilling life?"

bc you aren't responding to your own personal reaction/feelings abt the post and how it's not FOR you

it's about how this is a general standard that they are applying to ALL people, so EVERYONE is the target audience, and that is fucked up

there is a DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THOSE EXAMPLE POSTS

i just think it's shitty to take someone's post that IS positive and does NOT perpetuate incredibly harmful assumptions about how life should work, and respond publicly to make them feel BAD abt not having psychically predicted that you in your specificass situation would NOT find the post helpful or positive

like hey if the advice or perspective is not helpful for you, then it's not for you. if it's helpful to other people, they don't have to ignore shit that's actually helpful for them just so it doesn't hurt some imaginary possible person's feelings.

like that is a ridiculous fucking thing to expect.

if positivity makes your teeth hurt and makes you angry? hell yeah be angry about it. get irritated! complain!

on your own post or with your own friends/acquaintances/groups/family who Get It

bc unless someone has actually done something hurtful and wrong, the post was just not targeted at you.

but bc you saw it and it pissed you off, you can (and should!) complain abt it somewhere else bc complaining and processing is fucking GOOD, man.

just don't fucking dump all over everyone else's nice, supportive time with each other.

or as the video says

don't fucking comment "but what if i hate beans" on a video about HOW TO MAKE A FUCKING BEAN SOUP

i really need to go the fuck to sleep i'm so tired

also here i am complaining about and sharing thoughts about other posts and stuff that i've seen because it irritated me or whatever

SO I AM CLEARLY IN FAVOR OF DOING THAT

JUST DO IT IN A PLACE WHERE YOU'RE NOT NEEDLESSLY SHITTING ON OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T REALLY DONE ANYTHING WRONG

[frostbite-the-bat]

vent post where i overshare and complain about my life below because i wanna distract myself from studying because i'm having a hard time mentally motivating myself to do it !! yippie.

fucking hell only 2 days before my last part of finals and i REALLY dont feel like studying not only bc my mental health as of late aint been the best, my mood being bad today in general, but also just. really REALLY wanting to be over with it. to be over with it successfully i have to try, and i am trying quite hard, but man do i not want to. just a few pitiful days and im over with it. i'm feeling the same pressure as i did when i was about to do my first two finals... i've noticed i'm being a bit more distant in general aside from TRYING TO focus on studying (90% of the time im probably not doing much tbh)

and i just wish these finals were a bit fairer. we have 25 questions, right? well, it's a verbal test, we have like 20 minutes to speak to two teachers who **MAY** ask questions about it PLUS some official we dont know of. a stranger. and 20 minutes to prepare. oh, 25 questions? for that? sounds bad! well, it's only one question! sounds good, doesnt it?

well... you don't know which one you're gonna get. THANKFULLY we have the list of questions available to us - but we have no way of knowing what we may get. we have to prepare for literally anything, because if you slack studying even a singular one, you may get unlucky and that may be the one you're gonna end up stuck with. of course, they will ask questions to squeeze things out of you, and hint stuff...but i am just so worried i won't know. every time i study, there's a bit of something i just... skip over completely. i dont have the time or patience for it. it's too hard... and i spent too much time over working the other answers. like, really overworking on them, with pointless detail.

and that's the thing! we have to say as many details for this as possible... and for many of these questions i can honestly say i'm very confident about answering them! but... the rest, most of this, many of this... it's just so hard. it's too hard. i need to approach it from like... an angle of. just fill in everything a little bit. (forgot to mention, im working out each question in a google doc, as if i was answering it. i will then read through it and study it. re-writing things in my own words makes me remember topics better, and i often re-write a thing over and over for this same reason.)

and just... getting even a bit of something in so i feel fullfilled. but...in theory i should study what i don't know, which is what is so hard. i don't know where to begin. these questions are from all over the place....i always need so many confusing tab open just to answer one question - then close them and get stuff for the other question - but oops! the other half of it needs stuff from the previous ones, great...

and it's just a whole mess, and i am worried i may not make it. well...i did rather well on my actual finals. like, exceptionally well. better than i typically do. like, a B. i never ever get those grades. that's an excellent grade. even if i do not define myself by my grades, it feels good to know i did well on that. but...i know my verbal performance is bad... and for that, it was many topics in one test. okay, study a bit of everything and you're fine. but for this i need... a lot of detail for ONE THING. that i will not know what it'll be. and it's a BIG deciding factor on whether or not i pass.

and it SUCKS. i am so tired. not to mention i have been sleeping less to play games with friends, due to timezones, while attempting to manage my horrible attention span to attempt to study. at least...i am doing something? but i am afraid it won't be enough. it won't be valued. it won't be what i need. i am a person who values my breaks a bunch, and i need them. hell, even writing this was a bad idea as my hands are starting to hurt, making my entire self feel horribly exhausted. i wish i could write down those answers this quickly.

issue is the language barrier - i have managed to switch my thoughts to be mostly in english, and i am a native czech speaker. i really need to read things in czech a little bit more. but just...the motivation. the drive. here my drive is to express my feelings an annoyance, and just get it out of my system so i can focus better. but? for that?

a pointless test, where there is a big chance i will be given something i may be clueless about. i may panic and fuck everything up. and... after this. i do not know what i will do with my life. it's scary stuff.

i both wanna get out of here so i can truly be myself, but also, i have not been taught about life by my parents at all. i need them. even if i wish to escape from them and do what i want...do what i need to get better. glares at my dad. glares back at this post. i do not know how the world works.

i have zero plans. anything i'd want probably wouldn't go through - or they would tell me it's a bad idea, have comments on it, and i'd go back into my little shell again. i'm gonna need a job eventually, but i'd really like to see doctors or something first, because i'm like 99% sure covid from last year cause me to have chronic exhaustion (and probably pains? im in so much pain especially in my legs and arms so easily its unreal. i need to study this more) as well. i can't do shit for too long without spacing the fuck out and trying not to cry because of the pain. i perform badly. i am an anxious mess. however anything health related i ask about is met with "oh we don't need a doctor for THAT" or "oh, stop whining! this is what the real world is like. get used to it. don't sit down, you're so lazy. work hard."

and i don't plan on doing what my school taught me to do and fighting jobs is hard enough already. i am sure my parents won't mind supporting me while being unemployed for a while, but... i know that my dad will pressure me a lot. hell, he joked about it even years ago when my best friend got a summer job before me... and also my parents want me to work at their job. okay good might get nepo babie'd, but uh, issue is! that place works like crazy fucking **12 hour shifts**. i already die at like 4 or less hours of something. what.

and fuck i am so grateful to my friends for supporting me during these times... offering their own help. i am so glad. i am so happy. i could not ask for better people. but... i wish this was more available to me in real life. i am rotting my fucking brain online only because the only support i get is here... everywhere else i am unwanted. and i was never taught to ask for help. if i ever wanted anything...or asked for help. it was denied or ignored... they always say you can tell me anything, if there's trouble tell me, but then you tell them and...

all you get called is "you're so sensitive" "oh boys will be boys" "oh come on get over it" "you have to try harder than that". and!! man. it is hard. its so hard. i just wanna lay down... for a whole year....do nothing. hibernate all that time. have zero life worries... everyone has these, but. i hate that life played the cards to make it this difficult for me... and. a lot of it is invisible.

i hide it. i mask it. or it didn't pop up until now... nobody will believe me if i tell them these issues i am facing. it's not enough to need help for them. "there's others who face more pain and issues in their life than you" "you don't seem like you need it". constantly stuck...in this. it does require actual speaking out, yes...but if your whole life, you ask for the smallest things, and it's not delivered upon...you just learn to stop asking. you know who to not ask and who to ask. it's horrible.

not to mention some issues i can get in actual danger with if it comes out. like i don't know. me being queer? that's one of the main things holding me back this much.

like. once i am done with this school. these finals. if i pass them. i am done. i have no plans after. i am sure i will... find something. it wont be easy. but... ill have to do it. sadly.

no plans at all. how am i supposed to be motivated to do even such a simple task as studying when i know in the end it may not even matter... i hate all of this so much. i wish i wasnt this way. i hate these things about myself. i love being a wacky little weirdo, but. i wish the world was easier to live in. i hate all of this shit. i hate that this world is built to be hard for someone like me. especially since it's not seen as hard enough to most... it ends up making me feel even worse. it's not fun.

i just wish it was all easier. i wish that at least today i could do the things i want. but i dont get to it. it sucks so bad. i have like zero energy left and i have to push through. i have to. or else i wont pass. that will cause more issues... it's. horrible. sigh. i'll....i'll stop now. at least i got all these thoughts out of my brain. i am repeating myself. nothing is there. despite my low energy, and me ALREADY pushing myself a lot, it's probably the most ideal time for me to do something. so. i guess i'll try. only because i have to. i hate this. i'm so scared of the future...

[olive01l]

I'm just go n avent on here in a tagless way so that nobody sees this /lh tws: suicide, alcohol consumption,.underage drinking, eating disorder

I'm so sick and tired of being on this planet. I've attempted so many times but someone out there just loves seeing me suffer ig lmao.

I keep reaching out but not wanting help. I desperately want someone to care but I feel like absolute shit e y time I bother anyone with my problems in the First place

I'm so fucking pathetic I can't even take proper care of myself to the point where I end up gagging alone in my room bc of stomach acids 👍

I can't even get my goofy hands on alcohol cause my parents haven't been going to bed any early, so I just have to sit thru all of my feelings. when I'm sure they are sleeping i either don't want to get up myself, or I hear kne of them going for the bathroom.

hhhhh it would just be better if I was gone

yeah it might hurt, like what 2 ppl??

it would be a net fucking positive anyway

I'm toxic or whatever

my fucking class hates me

my old friendgroup shunned me

I'm an absolute fucking loser??

my only friends are on fucking discord and one of them keeps going on week long episodes of not replying

he wouldn't even notice if I kms for like while

yes they'd both struggle a bit but theyd gest over it pretty fast tbh

I'm not the best friend

my goofy ass keeps venting out of nowhere

they probably can't handle it anymore anyway

in either case I won't do it ig

too much effort to gedt the shit I need and I'm already sick so

plus I'm way too much of a pussy to go thru with it another time this week so eh

why does this happen when I'm not dissociating

every fu king time I stop dissociating for a bit i just end up attempting B)

I'm literally so fucking pathetic

I literally can't handle anything huh

mmmm if you fucking read this orion I'm sorry

ig this isn't even a goodbye

wow im just so fucking Cool /s

can't even write a suicide note that ends in an actual suicide

some part of me really wants for someone to notice how much I've been struggling, but even if they do I will just shut them down anyways so what's the fucking point 💀

[golbrocklovely]

let me give yall a bit of a life update since i feel like i haven't been on here all that much.

(omg this is so long, there's a tldr at the bottom if you feel like just reading that instead of all of this lol)

so first off, sorry i haven't been responding that often to yall on here. here's why:

the store i work at is expanding and i went from working 2/3 days a week (i'm part time and only do freight) to 4 days a week. i had to negotiate with my manager bc she wanted me to start working full time suddenly but only for the length of the expansion. and i literally had to tell her no bc you're not about to do that to me with no notice and one top of that, yall don't pay me enough. pay me more and i'll gladly stay longer.

so we settled on four days a week lol bc god forbid our store hits our 5 mil sales goal, apparently none of us can get a raise…

my body is in so much pain from working longer and more often. i'm literally moving shelving units and climbing latters and just overall doing so much physical labor. i'm eating advils like they're tic-tacs lol

and then on top of all of this, my sleep schedule is atrocious. basically i stay up from midnight all the way my work hours, then i come home, maybe stay up for two hours after that, and then pass out until midnight all over again. it's the absolute worst for so many reasons, mostly bc i'm tired and want to sleep more but my body just… won't. i'm like a partial insomniac.

and then with work, we have more ppl coming in to help us build the store, and while they are good at their job… they're annoying. so the one girl that's been working with us is from another store and idk if she's a manager there or is planning to be one soon bc she kinda gives off the energy of someone that acts like they know everything but truly doesn't. like, i've been at my store for three years, i know everything. you, however, do not. so she was helping me in my section for the past couple days and it was fine to some extent, but i will say the one thing that she does is literally make things more complicated than it needs to be and it is frustrating beyond belief.

like the other days, the dm that's been in our store helping told her to take the two sections from around the corner and just move them over into this four part section. the other two empty sections were then gonna be filled by stuff i needed. okay? you get that? bc somehow… she didn't. or wanted to do her own thing or IDK BUT IT WAS DUMB. bc what ended up happening is instead of just copying what the two sections looked like and just replicating it onto this longer section, she decided to add new things in from this big gondala that we have full of beauty products (i work in beauty in case i never said that). and while she made it look nice, i just don't get it. bc what she was trying to do what copy how her store looked, so she was saying "oh this has to be hung up and this doesn't" and i'm like………. why are you making this more difficult than it needs to be???

she also had the planagram on her phone, basically what the layout of the store will look like when everything is done. i needed to see it so i could learn what was on my two sections next to her. i knew the one was kid's makeup, but i wanted to be sure that the next section was makeup containers, bc i thought that's what the dm said but i wasn't sure. she showed the planagram to me once but extremely briefly. then when i asked her again when i was about to do the section, bc she had only showed it to me so quickly that i forgot, she started acting as if she didn't know or that i should go ask the dm. and i'm just like…. show me your phone. you have the layout on there, let me see it. so she did, and i was like, oh okay it is makeup containers and she literally said "is it tho?" ?????????????? what the fuck do you mean is it tho???? like, can you not read?

(also i just remembered this while reading this back, we had to go to the back of the store where all of our products are bc the dm wanted us to pull stuff from back there too. went back there, all we have currently is shirts and socks, but we had one thing of makeup containers and i went to grab it and she LITERALLY TOLD ME NOT TO. even tho the dm had told her what goes in each section not even a minute prior. AND SHE HAD IT ON HER PHONE. so when i ended up doing the makeup containers i had to go to the back and get them even tho i have been back there already)

it's just… everything with her was like walking thru mud. everything was just so slow but for no reason. you wanna drag your feet at work, i don't care about that. but why are you making it more difficult for me than it has to be???? it was like she was a terrible communicator.

speaking of, the dm is exactly that. that man literally won't talk to me. even tho the beauty (and also clothing) section is mine, he was telling her all the info on what to do. and ONLY to her. i need to make it apparent that he would be talking to her on what to do next but only saying it loud enough for her to hear even tho i was right next to him. he would literally turn his back to me and talk to her. and then when she would try to relay the info back to me, it was like talking to a wall.

on top of that, he got on my last nerve the other week bc he wanted me to help out in another section, which i was fine with. but the manager that was supposed to be with me (aka the one that knew what the fuck to do in that section) was helping the dude delivering the palettes come in so i was just stuck walking around until he was done. eventually my general manager was just like "go put out this rack of stuff wherever you can". cool. i go to grab it, start walking out on the floor, and by this point the manager i need for the other section is done. i didn't know that tho. so all of the sudden the dm comes up to me and says "no, you're not doing that. i told you to help out this manager with that section" in a super disrespectful tone. and it took everything in me to not be a bitch to him.

first off, you ain't even my dm, so fuck off with that attitude. secondly, don't talk to me that way. you barely talk to me at all so like…. maybe consider picking a better tone next time. and thirdly, i was following MY general manager's direction. get mad at her, not me asshole.

i think my main issue with him is that everyone in our store likes him. they think this man is the fucking bees knees. and the only reason they think that is bc they're all managers and bc he was in earlier a month ago shoving shit out that we had in the back when the construction was about to start. all of my managers were like "oh he's amazing bc look at all the stuff he got out that we didn't think we had room to put out" and i'm just like…. i have to redo my whole section bc he made it look like shit bc he thinks he's good at what he does when in reality all he can do is shove product out that no one ends up buying bc it looks like ass.

and don't even get me started on the customers. actually, they haven't been too bad, just an usual amount of annoying lol

i think that's everything. sorry this was super long and not really necessary for you guys to read. i just wanted to vent bc i literally don't have friends besides my mom but she hears me everyday when i get home from work anyway. hopefully the expansion is done soon so i can get some rest before the holidays start up and i start doing overnights.

TLDR: i'm working a lot more at my store bc of an expansion and sleeping basically anytime i have off so that's why i'm not on here as often. also my dm and new coworker (for the time being bc they're not actually a part of my store) are fucking annoying and terrible communicators.

[running-in-the-dark]

I just finished Jennette McCurdy's book.

It was a good idea not to listen to the second half of it in one go like I did with the first half (actually it was even more than half). I needed more time to process it all.

Without exaggeration, this is probably the most meaningful and important book for me personally that I have ever read. It was very, very had to get through - especially the chapters where her mom was still alive. She went into a lot of detail in describing her mother's abusive behaviours, and a lot of those were very similar to my own mother. The problems she had as a result were also similar to mine. I don't think I ever developed an actual eating disorder, but I've still always had problems with that. The same thoughts are there, I just don't act on them.

The most important part for me was her recovery after her mother's death. She didn't pretend it was easy, or pretty, or fast, or that it's a thing you do once and then it's over and you're fine forever. It was so honest.

In a weird way, I think it's showed me that I'm ready to try therapy again (if I can find a therapist, but that's another story).

I definitely wouldn't recommend this book to everyone, especially if you experienced similar things and it wasn't that long ago or you're just not ready for this yet. It was very, very hard to get through - but I'm so glad I did it.

[aloyssobek]

hmmm

was talking about future plans with someone at work today and it got me thinking again abut like the whole public vs private school divide and like......i have a friend working in a private school and i would NEVER say this to her bc this is just me being jealous and petty but like...........................i swear even with the pressures of her school, it still sounds like a breeze compared to my work like........a snarky kid i can absolutely deal with but sometimes the sheer amount of behavioural bullshit i have to deal with wears me right down 

anywya......................................................i think dealing with parents breathing down your neck and pressure from school admin would be so much easier at a private school 💀

[tojikai]

Ooh boy, where do I go with this?

*crack knuckles

*open word

Firstly,… KAI! IS THIS HOW EVERY CHAPTER GONNA END UNTIL THE FINAL ONE? I mean, of course, this will be how you end it. How else are you gonna get your reader looking forward to the next one? It works on me tbh, but still… I swear every cliffhanger in PM always makes me rip my hair offLMAOSADKASKDASDK

Why don’t we start from the top to the bottom?

But when her sweet breaths lull his tired form to sleep and all consciousness and control leave his body, he again hears your name in the sound of his own voice, unaware of how he's crushing another soul beside him.

I just… like… *insert that gif of a woman trying to hold on to her laughter

I’m sick in the head bc I giggled sm at this part. You thought, bitch, you thought! Like at least, Satoru emotionally cheated on Y/N in secret, but this man just straight up slept talk her name while sleeping next to you like that? The yearning is REAL. And like, the “side hoe” part is actually true at this point. What goes around comes around, am I right? :))

Was the man sleeping beside her simply dreaming of his past, or is this his subconscious speaking out his heart's untold and disregarded yet truest desires?

*remember the near end of this chapter

Yeahhhhhh…… about that…… LMAO

Going on with his day, Satoru remembered the events that happened after he got home from the hospital. He considers it one of the major challenges in their relationship, and he could still remember how his thoughts were all over the place at that time.

*fast forward

If he takes it, then it's over between the two of you. If he takes it, then he'll never get the chance to earn you back. If he takes it, then you'll forever be gone from his life.

He won't take the necklace, so he took your hand and pulled you to him, kissing your lips fervently and braving the slam of your fists against his body and chest, drowning you with the over.

He cradled your head as he kissed your cheek. "I'm ending things with Rie. I'm coming home to you, Y/N." flowing emotions that you bring out of him.

“One of the major challenges in their relationship” Yeah, that and the day you broke up with Rie LMAO. Like he thought there would be more if their relationship lasted that long, but like, the moment he realized that he’s going to lose Y/N for real, all these relationship things with Rie went out of the fucking window. He just jumped back right in Y/N without a second thought. No hesitation whatsoever.

All I could do was shake my head at this. This shit feels like it’s mirrored chapter 1. He didn’t think twice about leaving Y/N and now Rie is on the receiving end. THIS ASSHOLE DOESN’T CHANGE AT ALL. HE NEEDS THAT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT JUICE ASAP IF GOJO AND Y/N DO GET BACK TOGETHER. No one wants this manchild. He changes his mind faster than he changes his clothes.

Also, this chapter is probably the first in PM that makes me want to read it over and over again. Because it’s where Satoru finally makes up his damn mind about what he truly feels. It gives me so much peace. Like, you get it, Satoru… you get it… And since you understand now, will you fuck off for real? (we know he won’t) LASLDKASDKAAS;LDAS IM STILL SO MAD AT HIM OKAY?

She started out sobbing before it gradually increased to full-on wailing and crying.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, keeping eye contact, but his stare was glazed as he placed a hand on her waist.

"Satoru, I'm sorry." His disinterest didn't go unnoticed by Rie as she tried to catch his vacant stare.

Oh man, oh man, oh man! Anon strikes again!! Satoru just didn’t care or was afraid of Rie’s tears. AT ALL. You thought he would care more, like how he impulsively lashed out at Y/N at the party, but the indifference is kinda real here. He just didn’t bother hiding it anymore.

"The girl's really nice, Ma'am. I think her name's Y/N."

Satoru really believed that it was all slowly, steadily getting better. He thought that he was finally learning to completely detach himself from all the happenings surrounding you and him, just like how you must be doing every passing day too. But it was proven wrong when he found his heart punching against his chest, beseeching to be set free with just a couple of words. He really thought he was over it all, that he was keeping his promise to never see you anymore.

He really thought that he was over you.

I love how you gave Satoru a moment of false peace and allowed him to be lost in his dream world just to hit it again with the truck of reality. It’s so cruel yet so delicious. I imagine this moment as everything went slow-motion in Satoru’s POV when he heard her name and then *ting* a moment of realization. A realization that no matter how hard he tries to distract or lie to himself that everything will be fine, it’s really not, not until he acknowledges his true desire or that shit will eat him up for the rest of his life. LOVE IT.

He didn't think that his best friend would really go for you after only a few months of your break up with him. He shouldn't be the one to talk, but he felt betrayed.

This makes me want to use him as a sandbag and start going to town on him. The medicine sure is bitter now, huh, Hoejo?

"It's none of your fucking business-" Satoru could tell that Suguru's clenched fist was about to rise, ready to shake him out of his mind, but he saw you rushing beside him, hugging his arm before he could even prepare for the punch.

Okay, the Suguru and Satoru brawl almost happened here. It wasn’t a lie when I said I want to see them dug it out lol, but I like the way things turned out to be bc there’s no way Y/N or Rie would let it happen in their presence. Those boys can only do that in private tbh.

"Suguru, it's not worth the trouble." You shook your head to Suguru before looking back at Satoru with nothing but indifference in your eyes.

You weren't crying this time, but your hand was obviously trembling.

There was an anxious yet determined look in your eyes, and Suguru could tell that you were really trying your best and braving your way through this.

And so many more moments after this…..

IM SO PROUD OF Y/N IN THIS CHAPTER (of course that doesn’t mean it’s the same with a certain action of her). She does have the strength and the calmness to face Satoru. Yes, the wound is still fresh, but she’s trying. She’s trying so hard. AND I LOVE TO SEE IT. I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME. I also love how it doesn’t matter if the people she cares about hurt or love her, she doesn’t make a decision concerning them out of spite but genuinely takes their feelings into consideration. Like with the way she understands why Satoru would feel betrayed and emphasizes how it will affect his friendship with Suguru overall more than their relationship. Her love for others always feels so pure to me, whether it’s platonic or romantic.

She had Satoru wrapped around her pretty, dainty fingers with just one kiss. Yet you couldn't even make him stay with your five years of devotion.

Kai, this part almost killed me dead and made me wail like a bitch. Stupid Satoru. Why are you like this? Why??? *beat him with a stick like a piñata

Even if she wasn't pleased about how Satoru had been acting, she couldn't help but think that maybe this could be the closure that the two of you need. Maybe this talk can finally set the two of you free. Perhaps this little event is the key to the peaceful, normal, and stable relationship that he wants with Satoru.

Or the thing that breaks it. Yikes. Girl, did you forget the way your man act just by listening to his ex’s name and how he stormed to his best friend’s house? And OMG, when Y/n suggested that she and Satoru talk at her place, is it also mirrored to that night Satoru brought Rie home? WHAT IN THE PARALLEL???ADSKDLAKDALDALKDAS Except unlike that time, instead of a make-out session, he FUCKED Y/N in their old place. I know I should feel bad and I am, of course, disapproved of both Satoru’s and Y/N’s actions, but the irony in this makes me cackling like crazy. Serve you right, bitch!

And once again, there’s also a parallel with the way both Y/N and Rie react to Satoru after his respective cheating. Rie felt bad for being the catalyst of their breakup, but she accepted Satoru’s advances anyway while Y/N does everything she can to block him out of her life and just move on.

"Call me if something happens," Suguru whispered down to you, kissing your forehead before letting you go.

At this point, Sugu x Y/N or not, I just adore the way he treats Y/N. It’s no doubt filled with love and actual care yet it’s still so respectful. The casual affection, the way they’re so considerate to each other’s feelings makes my heart melts. He’s a whole king I swear. I don’t think this ship is sunk yet, but I don’t mind if they stay friends. Y/N deserves to have someone like him in her life.

He wished this would be over soon so that you could finally be free from them all.

Unfortunately, God (Kai) doesn’t want the angst to stop just yet lol. I’m so sorry baby Suguru, but keep praying and maybe your wish will come true. (1/3)

i actually feel like the cliffhangers are aggravating some readers now 😭 im really sorry but dw these cliffhangers have a following event to them, i promise LMAO

the first point from the story, gosh. i would literally bawl my eyes out if my partner calls out their ex's name in sleep 😭 like that hurts a lot. definitely yearning for the ex :')) and yeah, something really changed after that party. probably bc he finally saw yn break down and he realized that he's truly weak for her but just wouldn't admit it. the slow-motion moment when he heard yn's name definitely happened. man was blind for a couple of minutes as he ran to his car 😭 he was beyond surprised when he heard it. AND the piñata beating is sending me LMAOO 💀 im glad that you caught on to the parallels tho 👀i wanted to make it happen in the car as well but that would be too obvious so i said, lets just go inside the flat😂

AND OHMYGOD that suguru x yn interaction before she left is just 😩💕I HAD TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM WRITING and i read it over and over again as i imagined it LMAO he's so sweet~ but that was like a moment before disaster LMAO

@my-arietta it's this one 😭IM SORRY i got multiple windows open LMAO

[toxicshumai]

How about all of the characters and vanilla (because apparently vanilla is a kink nowadays and I'm one of the most vanilla person you could ever meet). You don't need to do all of them if it's too much, you can just pick whoever you feel like talking about but I'm curious what you think 👀

Have a great day my queen ♡

nah man LET'S GOOOOO. I'm gonna do the dateables in a separate post bc this is already way too long

Send me an Obey Me character(s) and a kink and I’ll leak my thoughts

Lucifer: He's a canonical sadist and seems to enjoy a brat taming but he's not going to initiate any kind of scene unless he has enough time and energy to give 110%. He takes that responsibility seriously. Since he's overworked and sleep deprived most sex is going to be vanilla. If he's especially tired, he'll probably get lost in how good he feels and cum prematurely. If you're topping just fuck him through it and he'll feel wonderfully relaxed and exhausted. If he's topping, he'll be mortified and then use his hands to get you off as many times as you can handle to compensate. Vanilla sex is vulnerable for Lucifer and his favorite part is foreplay when he can just run his hands and lips over your body and feel your warm skin against his. It reminds him that you're alive and chose him.

Mammon: Subby boy. Soft brat. Mammon is eager and tends to get ahead of himself so he's going to want to speedrun all of your shared kinks almost immediately. He buys toys, lingerie, candles, restraints, different lubes, you name it. Partly because of Mammon's Too Much Gene and partly because thinks if he can keep the sense of novelty going, you won't get bored and leave him. Make him slow down. Take him apart slowly, treat him like something delicate and precious. Spread him out under you so he can't hide his blush or expression of pure adoration. Look into his eyes and hold his hand while you slide into/onto him slowly. He'll cry after and probably during (though he'll deny it) but it's only from the intense emotional catharsis. The other side of this coin is goofy established relationship sex where you're both giggling from endorphins, teasing each other, and fully indulging in each other's bodies. Mammon will give you a dopey lovesick smile the whole time.

Levi: You're going to have to work this poor man up to penetrative sex but he's a fiend for mostly-clothed hand stuff while you're both in his bedtub. We all know Levi has a degradation kink and most likely hentai brainrot but he's not going to bring that up in the bedroom without a lot of prompting and time together. Vanilla sex makes him feel so much more exposed that roleplay or d/s power dynamics because he doesn't have a roadmap. He has to just be himself and be in the moment and that's terrifying. On the other hand, nothing compares to the rewards of submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being known. He's going to need a ton of aftercare after vanilla sex or he'll get lost in his head and the endorphin dump will fuck him right up.

Satan: I hc Satan as being less experienced than his other brothers partly because he's been alive the least amount of time and partly because he's not going to let his guard down around just anyone. Also he has high standards. He's also a romantic who reads too many romance novels and erotica. Satan would watch Hallmark movies with Asmo. So this man? Loves vanilla sex. Playful sex with an established partner, sweaty desperate quickies, and slow sensual marathon sex are his jam. Woo him a little. Light some candles (actually maybe use some LED ones given that his room is a fire hazard), take your time kissing and working him up, tell him you love him and how happy you are to be his. Also, I hc that he has a lot of wall sex because his bed is full of books. Favorite position is for you to drape yourself across his back and fuck him hard and deep while he ruts against a pillow.

Asmo: Yes, he'll do vanilla but he needs to show off the entire time. Deepthroating, making you squirt, bending himself into ridiculous positions, etc. Praise him but bring his focus back to the connection you share; he doesn't need to impress you or perform for you. He doesn't have to win you over because he already has you. Kiss the back of his hand, his palm, and each one of his fingertips while you tell him you just want to be close to him and make him feel good. He's going to be clingy after.

Beel: Ohh softe boi. I don't think Beel has a lot of kinks so you end up having vanilla sex by default. He likes how domestic missionary feels unless you're much shorter or smaller than him, in which case he prefers you on top so he can actually look you in the eye and not worry about crushing you. I think Beel is very easy to please. Some mostly-clothed heavy petting and making out followed by snacks and he's happy. Full-on penetrative sex is less frequent because if he tops he's a stretch and if he bottoms uhh having to void first makes him hungry and then he just needs to eat.

Belphie: You want him to stay awake for sex? Not even a little somnophilia? Ohhh jail. Jail for MC. He's going to be very soft once he realizes you're not up to play with his brat persona. He wants to have sex lying on your sides either facing each other with your leg hooked over his hip or spooning you and leisurely thrusting while rubbing your clit/dick. If he bottoms, he's going to whine to be facedown in the pillows but keep an eye on him to make sure he stays awake. You can fuck him in missionary but he'll pout if you don't massage his legs after.

[wonhoarctic]

how long | im changkyun (I.M)

word count: 922

genre: angst

pairing: im changkyun x gn!reader (i know that the song is about a girl... but he just says the word 'girl', so it won't hurt doing this as gn, right?)

a/n: so... i chose to do this of writing some scenarios inspired by songs as a mini series, and i'm currently working in kihyun's scenario, and the only spoiler i can give to y'all is that it'll be a tsundere!kihyun au, and i hope you enjoy my writing, and this series as well <3 good reading

contains: so... basically, changkyun got drunk one night and cheated on you, so now you're clarifying things..... it's kind of a breakup/cheating scenario based on charlie puth's song how long (bc of the unit, i was going to do it with hyungwon, but suddenly, i felt like it was better to do it with kyunie), and the only warning i can give you is that reader curse him and the girl he cheated you with

he was with a girl, and your heart was broken into so many pieces you couldn't even count, so you just tried your best not to cry, and told your friends you were leaving the club, and you weren't going back with changkyun, well, he was quite....... busy right now

the busty brown haired girl was giving him a lap dance, while changkyun was kissing her neck over and over, and judging by the face he made while she was on top of him, he was moaning and enjoying the treatment...... and he had a hard on

one thing that he always joked about was that a hard on can be more sincere than a love confession.... and here it is, his erection was showing how sincere was he all the times he said that loved you

three days had passed since the day you've caught him cheating on you, you were supposed to hate him, you were supposed to be completely mad at him, but you couldn't, you were sad, you wanted your boyfriend, who was always there for you, back, you wanted to smile again and cuddle into him while he worked in some musics at his studio... and you hated yourself for not hating him

you were avoiding changkyun, but you knew that you couldn't just leave things like that, specially when he knocked on your door. it was 4 am, a cold and lonely night, just another one that you were crying instead of sleeping

"what do you want here?" you tried to sound cold, but instead, you sounded terrified of seeing his godly frame right in front of you

"y/n.... can we talk about what happened that night?" he entered your apartment, and you took a step back, just to maintain your safe distance, you didn't wanted to be touched, you didn't wanted to remember his touch, just like the other good things you remembered of im changkyun

"no. i have seen enough that night, changkyun, so don't come over here and give me some shitty excuses" suddenly, you felt the urge to cry, but were controlling it

"but it wasn't serious! i was—" you interrupted him

"don't say things like that, changkyun" you were practically killing him just with your eyes "you were the one who said me that erections were more sincere than love words, even if it is a joke, it didn't looked like one when that whore was dancing in your lap. can't you just admit you are wrong?!" you snapped, you couldn't just leave it all to yourself, you felt the weight of the world fall of your shoulders as you said it to him

he took a deep breath, before doing a thinking face, and finally speaking something after 5 long minutes thinking

"okay, i'll admit, i was wrong" he raised his hands as if he was surrendering something "what else can i say, y/n?"

"your biggest error was asking me to be your lover when you didn't really loved me, changkyun" you said his name as if you were spitting a rotten piece of an apple

"can't you blame my head instead of my heart? jeez, y/n! i was drunk! i know that don't make this right, but i promise to you, i promise, there were no feelings involved!" he was in despair of losing you, he knew he fucked up, but.... he couldn't just lose the love of his life for this stupid error, he couldn't

"how long, changkyun? how long has this been going on?" you sounded tired, broken.... and maybe you were

"what?"

"creeping round on me, while calling me baby, honey, and whatever you used to call me"

"it happened just that time, i swear!" he answered really fast, but you just raised your eyebrow

"you've been acting so shady these last weeks, i knew that something was going on" you laughed without humor

"whoa whoa whoa, stop" he interrupted your thoughts "you gotta believe me when i say it only happened once, y/n! i'm trying so hard, but you'll never see that you're the only one i wanna love, right? my feeling don't matter to you?" you nearly saw tears forming in his eyes, but he hurted you, you couldn't leave things this way

"they do matter, changkyun" you sighed heavily "but what about mines? it would be so wrong if i stayed with you after that... i can't hurt myself anymore like that, you were the biggest motherfucker ever doing this to me, i do love you, but... that's not right, and staying with you is going to make it worser for both of us" you were feeling proud of yourself for being strong enough to reject him

"does it means that we're breaking up?" he sobbed, he was crying, and you didn't even noticed that, suddenly, you felt bad, and thought about your answer a little bit, you wanted him to be happy, even after he cheated on you, he was still im changkyun, your 3-years boyfriend, who always made sure to make you feel loved and to smile, you needed him to be happy, just as much as he made you... and you needed to be happy too, but not with him

"yes" you said, and he just murmured an 'i love you, and i'm sorry for everything' and went out of your apartment crying, which made your heart ache, but you knew it was better this way, now, both of you could be happy

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

[autistic-ace-bee]

I hope this question doesn't bother or make you uncomfortable and I'm sorry if otherwise, but how do you ask your parents to take you to the doctor to check if I have adhd or depression. I've been feeling that I have those two and want to know for sure but I don't know how to tell them so an appointment can be scheduled.

Aside from that I don't fully trust the doctors in my place because most of them are those people who say you can pray mental illness away :// I was taken to a psychiatrist before and that's what the doctor did, he never let me talk about my feelings or trauma and just let my parents rant about everything they found wrong with me and made me take sleeping pills.

So if I don't get diagnosed with either I don't fully think it's 100 percent accurate. Sorry for the rant I just really don't know what to do, I want to know if I really have them but aside from needing to ask my parents to schedule an appointment to unreliable doctors I just wonder if anything good will come out of me trying.

i think if you want to try, you should. My advice probably won't be that helpful bc honestly I didn't really have to do anything to get my diagnoses. it was kind of... really, really obvious. and my doctors werent ass-talking dumb fucks. Idk how old you are or where youre from or what your circumstances are but it might be worth looking into booking the appointment without your parents overseeing it. The only thing I can really recommend is doing your research on ADHD and depression and writing down and listing out the symptoms you relate to, and then just being really hella persistent with telling your parents and the doctors. I definitely think its worth it to keep pushing it, but if it's too hard, it might be worth waiting until youre more independent or at least old enough that you can book your own doctors appointments are you saying your parents were in the room with you for your therapy? I'm pretty sure you can request to see a different therapist if the one you currently have/have in the future isn't working for you, and try to get their email so you can message them in private if your parents are sitting in on your session and talking over you and you dont want them there but cant say that with them there.

obviously a diagnosis is great, but plenty of people dont have one and thats fine! as long as you can recognise the symptoms in yourself, you can do your own research and finding coping strategies to help with whatever symptoms you present. until you can get your diagnosis and proper support, I recommend things like keeping a diary and trying to maintain a proper sleep schedule and diet and making sure to get exercise like at least one walk a week. It's all pretty standard stuff but it can make a big difference for depressive symptoms, and keeping a diary is really useful for understanding how you feel and your triggers and figuring out coping strategies. you dont need to write in the diary every day, just when you're upset! also finding a creative activity can be really helpful, even if you just grab a pen and doodle on yourself. screaming is fun. dancing is fun! I've been depressed but I don't actually have depression per say so definitely read up on coping strategies rather than taking me at my word! but yes. diagnoses are great, but if youre circumstances wont permit it, please know that there are a wealth of resources out there for you to read, and that they can actually be really useful! and youre always free to rant here if you want I can try to be somewhat useful if you want or just listen =^-^=

as for how to actually broach the subject with your parents... I would probably say something like "Could you take me to the doctors? I haven't been feeling that well." and then when they press it like "what, do you have a cold?" you'd go onto say something like "I've just been feeling really tired and fatigued, like I just don't have the energy." I would specifically phrase it this way because it's kinda vague, but if you want you can go from there into how you think you might have depression & ADHD, or you can just leave it at that, say something about having a chemical imbalance or iron deficiency or something, if you think they might not take you if it's because of mental health rather than physical health.

But yeah! if youre going to have the conversation about having ADHD & depression with people who are... not the most accepting/understanding, you might want to prepare to fight for yourself, and to do so you need adequate preparation and at least some understanding of your symptoms. If your parents or doctors say "but you dont show XYZ symptom" be ready to combat it with "having that symptom isnt a requirement, everyone's symptoms present differently."

Honestly, at the end of the day if you can see yourself as having ADHD or depression, chances are you probably do. And if you don't but can relate to the symptoms, then coping strategies used to deal with them will be just as useful for you, and that's what really matters. your self-diagnosis is perfectly valid! you know yourself best after all