#wooo… trauma processing

[angelbvn]

and also nighty night :3 am eepy !!!

[evanhereonearth]

The Insidious Cycle of the Abuser Who Says They Love You: Mythal and Solas

Likely goes without saying, but Veilguard spoilers all under the jump.

I have been absolutely wrecked by the end scenes in Veilguard for weeks now, and I want to do a deep dive into Solas's relationship with Mythal and how it absolutely reeks of abuse. Long post incoming!

CW for heavy discussion of cycles of abuse, trauma response, and abuse tactics.

When I finished my first playthrough, this moment hit me like an absolute freight train. His visceral response to her presence and the way he instinctively retreats and flinches back/puts out a hand to protect himself is a full-blown trauma response.

And then she starts talking and moving towards him, and it gets worse.

Solas curls in on himself; his body goes even further into self-protection mode. His face is downcast, not the way he bowed to his vhenan moments before with a straight back and open posture, but shrinking.

And then as she advances, he cowers.

He completely folds inward. He crumples; he shakes, he hyperventilates, and the moment she reaches for him, he fumblingly offers her the lyrium dagger to kill him with.

Is this shame? Yes, of course, but it's far, far more than that.

For the sake of brevity, I'm going to limit this list to the four most widely recognised trauma responses:

Fight

Flight

Freeze

Fawn

As someone whose primary trauma response is fawn (wooo CPTSD), which is intensely common among people who experience complex trauma, especially through emotional and prolonged physical/mental abuse where their needs are discarded, pushed aside, or otherwise steamrolled, I felt this right alongside Solas. My own body responded to seeing it. This is, quite frankly, one of the most visceral and realistic (and extreme) fawn responses I've seen depicted in media.

Mythal in this scene is...phew, something else.

"She was the best of them," Solas tells us in Trespasser.

But she was not good, everything tells us in Veilguard.

Let's look at his regrets in chronological order.

Through Solas's memories of regret, we see this germinate in his foundational regret: leaving the Fade to take a physical form.

He does not want to do this. He tells her he does not want to do this. From the conversation, it's clear it's not the first time she's asked.

And the way she asks? Outright coercion.

"You have so long observed the world. Why not consider joining it?" [I want you to do this thing, so I will frame it as logical for you to make the choice I want you to make.]

"But I have no desire to live as humans. Besides, this talk of taking on a solid form. I think you underestimate the danger." [I don't want to do that. It does not feel safe to me.] "When you took the glowing stone to build your body, did the earth not shake?" [This is dangerous and selfish.]

"The lyrium gives us the strength we had when we were of the Fade; we are the best of both physical and Fade." [It makes us powerful, so I don't care about the risks.] "I need your wisdom, Solas, to withstand the louder voices like Elgar'nan's who would go too far." [If you do not come with me, a tyrant you abhor will make others suffer.] "I need you."

"This is madness. You must know that." [I don't want to do this at all. This will hurt me. I don't want this.] "I will always follow where you go." [Because I love you and trust you.]

Mythal's words in this part are classic abusive framing. When appealing to his natural curiosity does not work and he expresses strong rejection of her logical thought process (just because I have observed this place does not mean I want to go there, echoing his comments to the Inquisitor in DAI: "Many Orlesian peasants dream of travelling to exotic Rivain. But not everyone wants to go to Rivain!") and expresses that there is significant danger to continue to build bodies out of lyrium, she changes tactics.

Her second tactic is that it gives them power--she implies that he is limited and not enough for being only of the Fade. If he follows her, he will be the best of both, like she is. She clearly already sees herself as above him.

Her third tactic is pure emotional blackmail: "I need you. I will give in to the tyrants without your wisdom, and having your counsel in the Fade is not enough. If you don't go against your own nature and desires, people will suffer...and it will be your fault for not being by my side."

She doesn't say those things outright, but they are implied by everything she is saying. He says again he doesn't want it--that it is madness and that she must be aware of that despite her ignoring any suggestion that she actually is. All she is seeing is power and her desires: for Solas to do what she wants him to do.

So he agrees. Because she is his friend, and she says she needs him.

As far as core wounds go, this one is a doozy. It's absolutely brutal, because it's irrevocable. It's a point of no return. It's the first in what will become millennia of regret, of her ignoring the Wisdom she coerced out of the Fade to do what she wants regardless, to continue to push him to twist his nature under the guise of the greater good, to continue to cede to Elgar'nan and enable the very tyrants she promised him to balance.

This regret was deeply painful for me to watch. The nuance here is easily lost if people don't understand abuse tactics and how this sort of manipulation is used. It also serves to bind Solas to Mythal, an enormous sunk cost fallacy in the making--once he has made this choice, there is no going back.

And you see Solas curled in on himself in anguish and regret from the trauma of taking a physical form. It is in deep, painful contrast to his open, free wingspan as a spirit of Wisdom; he will never be the same.

"Have you created what we need?" From the outset Mythal is framing this as his idea as much as hers, when from everything he says, that is not true.

"With this, the proper ritual will sunder every Titan from its spirit. But you must know, those severed dreams will certainly be driven mad, a disembodied blight of pain and anger. It--is--awful what we are doing."

"And the only way to end this war."

Again, Solas offers the wisdom she claimed she took him from the Fade to listen to. He warns her, again, of the danger. He does not want to do this. Just like he warned her of the earth quaking when they made their bodies--they, the Evanuris, started this war by taking what they wanted regardless of who it hurt. He never wanted to participate in it, but now he is in the middle of that war. Mythal was one of the initial perpetrators of this war; she brought Solas into it against his will because he loved her, and now he's stuck. He is past his point of no return. And she is still using his heart against him. She has isolated him from everyone he knew in the Fade; he has no one to support him. He. Only. Has. Her.

This is another classic abuse tactic; if the person being abused has no one else, they will continue to enable that abuse even if it harms others, because they cannot see a way out. If you don't do what I say, it will destroy our children, our family. If you don't do what I say, this war will consume all you have, and you no longer have a home to return to. If you don't do what I say and hurt yourself and the Other, more will suffer, and it will be your fault.

Again, his posture, curled up and broken, appearing to cradle a now-tranquil Titan beneath him--and be embraced in return. This is an interesting artistic choice here, one that aches. It speaks to the depth of his own wound and how much it rent his own spirit to follow through with Mythal's wants here; that it sundered him from his spirit as much as it did the Titans.

"You cannot do this, Elgar'nan! You swore we would give up our commands when this war was over!"

"Our people need our leadership. If you are unwilling, leave."

From Elgar'nan, this is expected. From Mythal?

"Our people must rebuild. And we must help unite them."

Solas, once again, betrayed. He put his trust in Mythal and in the other Evanuris to follow through with their promise. Everything he has done thus far is poisoned in this moment; had the Evanuris indeed stepped back rather than stepped on necks, perhaps Solas could have healed, found a way to live with what he had done, maybe even to make amends. But this starts his war anew--and Mythal is standing with his enemy despite her promises, despite every wheedling word she's used to get what she wants from him over the centuries and longer, despite him turning from everything, everything, he loved to love her. This is the moment where he understands that he has only been a tool to her all along.

"So we did not fight for freedom, but to conquer this land and our own."

Let's pick apart Solas's words.

So we did not fight for freedom: He truly believed that he was fighting for freedom, that no matter how bad it got, that he could bear it for freedom.

But to conquer this land: Literally the land, I think, because of the Titans. To subdue them at all costs. This was not what he came for, but he believed Mythal.

And our own: Our own, our people, more spirits we gave bodies for this war, more who may not have wanted to leave the Fade. Our own, our people. To Solas, he is one of them. In this moment, he realises how much Mythal holds herself above all of them.

Elgar'nan's words are all too telling: "We fought to win. And now the Evanuris are as gods. I do not answer to Mythal's annoying lapdog."

They all--all--see him thus. As her pet.

Because he is. She has, until now, controlled him utterly with her manipulation and "need" for him.

"The people are afraid. They must believe in something." Mythal does not even stand up for Solas here; she does not reject Elgar'nan's perception of him. All she does is further distance herself.

The people are afraid: The Evanuris made them. They are as controlled as Solas and more.

Elgar'nan asserts, "They need strength."

"And wisdom." Mythal has the absolute gall to attribute this to herself, when Solas is the source of the wisdom she "needed" for so long. (Belated addition: And another level here: she may also be saying again that she needs him, but doing so in a way that doesn't require her to stand up for him directly. Honestly, fucking gross.)

"They need gods who can protect them," Elgar'nan continues.

"We are not gods. You will learn that." Solas's voice here is pure defeat. The scales are falling from his eyes.

"Every lapdog holds a wolf inside," says Elgar'nan.

Solas knows that Elgar'nan's "protection" is hollow, based on subjugation. And I think in this moment, he learns that Mythal's is based only in her belief that she is better than those beneath her, who cannot possibly handle themselves.

So her lapdog becomes the Wolf.

"I was not certain you would come."

Solas's opening words in this regret show the distance between them already and how much he has realised he does not know this woman who called herself his friend.

And her response is to instantly blame him.

"You are the one who walked away. I never turn my back when my friend needs me."

In putting this post together, this line absolutely sucker punched me. I've watched these several times already, but the absolute audacity to blame him for standing up for his principles for the first time against all her manipulation? Hoo.

She blames him for doing just that, "turning his back when his friend needed him." She needed her enabler, and when he stopped, she turned bitter. Just like any abuser.

That he goes straight into "The Evanuris seek the magic of the Blight" instead of engaging, honestly shows that he's still Wisdom. That is one battle that is unwinnable, trying to stand up against an abuser's bullshit like that.

"Impossible," she says. "The Blight is safely sealed away forever."

Gaslight, girl boss, gatekeep.

"Though I wish I could believe you." [You have lied to me so many times.] "I have sensed the breaking of the wards."

And her answer is patronising. "I will investigate your claims." [I don't believe you.] "If they forget the danger of the Blight, I will endeavour to remind them."

Solas knows this is futile. "What if, instead, you left the Evanuris and remained with me? Do you not wish for freedom from this struggle?"

He asks her, again, to veer from the dangerous path. He desperately wants to believe he was not completely wrong about her, I think. If she were to leave, he could heal somewhat, for not having so thoroughly misjudged her character.

Am I enough for you? Was I ever enough? is the unspoken question here when he asks if she will remain with him.

And in return, he gets back even more patronising bullshit and hubris. "Be at peace, love. I will stop them."

(Can you tell Mythal pisses me off?)

She calls him love. What an unbearable insult after everything, to go on telling him she cares for him whilst ignoring his wisdom--the very wisdom she coerced him into leaving the Fade so she would have by her side--and consolidating her own power at the expense of his people.

"As you must," he says. "The Blight is our mistake."

Might be unpopular, but I do not think Solas bears a split fifty-fifty custody for whose fault the Blight is. Could he have said no about the dagger? Could he have pushed then? Maybe. But by this point, he'd already had probable millennia of complex trauma and a deeply abusive codependent relationship, probably also a level of magical bond. Like, sorry, Trick and BioWare, if you want to retcon everything you shared with us in Inquisition about being in service to the Evanuris ("You have given yourself into the service of an ancient elven god! You are Mythal's creature now. Everything you do, whether you know it or not, will be for her.") AND Mythal casually overriding her servants' will and Solas burning her vallaslin off his face and leaving a scar and devoting himself to freeing the elven people from the Evanuris's domination, fine, but I don't buy it. Even if there was no magical compulsion on him all this time, that is immaterial.

Complex trauma literally rewires the brain to survive. She spent lifetimes programming him, isolating him, stripping from him every bit of agency he had. This man did not have the capacity to say no.

When our no is trampled even for a few months or years, we stop trying to use it. We comply. We, as mortal humans, cannot begin to comprehend the compounded trauma of millennia of this happening with the stakes of worlds in the balance. Solas, quite simply, has lost the entire ability to consent. No one of us can even imagine.

Yet he managed to walk away from her somehow, when she chose Elgar'nan. This man is stronger than anyone gives him credit for.

The dagger was clearly Mythal's idea. The plan to sever the Titans from their dreams, clearly her idea. To end the war. For there to be "peace". For there to be "freedom". Except that never came.

His loyalty was to her and to their people; hers was only ever to herself.

And again, she walks away and lets Solas suffer.

What a good friend.

[screaming from the general direction of Scotland]

She put her trust in monsters instead of her oldest friend, and the monsters ate her face.

Anyone surprised? I'm surprised. (I'm not surprised.)

And on top of this, Mythal finally, finally giving Solas one tiny breadcrumb that she had any principles remaining? I think that cemented his bindings to her forever. Not just that the Evanuris killed her, but why they killed her: because after millennia, she listened to him.

For someone that deep into trauma and abuse? Well. We know what happened.

It cannot be overstated that with his imprisonment of the Evanuris and the Blight, Solas saved the entire world. The entire world. Every living being in Thedas had a chance at life because of him. Only because of him.

Morrigan says it early on in the game, that for all the consequences of the veil (which, it also must be said, was not supposed to be global!), "his imprisonment of the Evanuris was just. Had he not done so, all of Thedas would have fallen to the Blight."

And the world has hated him for it.

He woke after sleeping for millennia, exhausted by this immense act of magic, to discover that not only had it gone horribly wrong, but that it had cost his people everything. That Tevinter had come in and enslaved them, released a trickle of the Blight after breaking into the Black City, used so much blood magic that the veil itself all over Thedas has been in tatters--not least because in releasing the Blight, the survivors had had to face down and kill the dragon thralls (archdemons) of the Evanuris, rendering five out of seven of them mortal, and with their deaths over the intervening centuries, the veil had grown threadbare with only two Evanuris sustaining it.

The risks were catastrophic, the price unbearable.

Everything he'd ever done to protect the world could still come crashing down...and in a sick twist of fate, he would be alive to see it.

And, shockingly, so would Mythal.

Mythal, whose fragment has just been chilling in a swamp for centuries in human form. Mythal, whose abuse of him lasted through the entirety of the world's history. Mythal, who, due to the Evanuris's betrayal and her abusee's abandonment, has become little more than retribution.

Mythal, who could have set him free at any point in all this time and didn't, because he was hers.

Mythal, who is the only remaining person with the power to do what he feels must be done.

I find it interesting that they chose not to use the post-Inquisition dialogue at all. Interesting also that they used Mythal's voice actor and not Flemeth's. This feels like a retcon, but we'll go with it. Whatevs.

"I knew that you would find me soon enough. You need the power of a god, the strength that I alone still carry."

She's still asserting her own godhood.

He's not having it. "The blighted Evanuris will soon break free from their prison. I must make a stronger one that can contain them."

He's not wrong. Not even a little bit wrong. And he's also right that she won't help him. Why would she? She never has.

"While the prison is important, it is not the only goal you seek."

"Why should I not tear down the veil? And bring back immortality to all the elven people? They deserve it."

And this is where I get even more raging, because Mythal's answer is this: "The elven people of today do not deserve to see the world they love torn apart to salve your conscience."

I'm sorry, what?

The world they love? The world that has offered them nowt but literal genocide for thousands of years? The world where in Tevinter, they're chattel slaves and worse, fuel for blood magic without a thought? The world where in the "civilised", slaveless nations to the south, they're either confined to alienages and subjected to repeated genocide (that's what a "purge" is, if anyone isn't clear on that) or the remnants of the Dales, who are the descendents of another enormous genocide? The world where elven magic has been pillaged but elven mages in human settlements are confined to Circles and abused or made tranquil or also genocided by Templars invoking the Rite of Annulment? The world where they're called "elf savage" and "rabbit" and "knife ear" and cannot participate in Thedosian religious life because the Chantry erases every instance of elves from even the Chant of Light? The world where it took the Inquisitor installing a perpetrator of genocide on the Orlesian throne (both Celene AND Gaspard fit this bill) and either having Celene reconcile with Briala (Briala and Celene's relationship could be a whole other post. Boak.) and blackmailing them to give a single elf lands and a title? That world????

What the fuck, Mythal, die faster.

I got real mad there for a second. I'm fine. I'm fine!

Solas, once more, simply says, "I must fix what I have broken. I am sorry."

More than she deserves, frankly. Man's a mess, but at least he tries. She's been chilling in a swamp and pulling puppet strings for ages and abusing her kids. Nudging history like it's some sort of hobby, because it has always just been pieces on a board to her. They have never been people in her eyes like they are in his.

"As am I, old friend."

Aye, get tae fuck. Friends don't treat friends the way you treated Solas. The closest thing to an apology Solas will ever get from her is that she pretty much just lies down and dies when he comes to kill her. And she still won't set him free before he does. Has to continue to twist her own knife.

This scene has me riled.

And this takes us back to the beginning of this post.

To her essence showing up to release him from her service.

In what is, to me, the least accountable, bare minimum non-apology (she never actually says she's sorry) I've had the displeasure to witness in a videogame, with Solas literally cowering before her and offering her a knife to kill him with since this is the first time he's seen her actual, non-Flemythal face since she died.

This was never a friendship of equals. Ever.

She got one thing right. She did break him. But she knew it all this time, and she never took a single step to put it right until pushed. Her corner of the Crossroads, which he built for her in the desperate hope that she would show a glimmer of the friend he believed she was, notably has a pair of wolf statues. Both beheaded.

She's spent all this time punishing him further.

He never went to visit her? I wouldn't either. I could not blame him.

This has gone to an angry place. So let's conclude with what is, I think, the entire point.

Grace.

"I lied. I betrayed you."

"I forgive you."

Has anyone--anyone--in all his long life, ever said those words to him?

I'll say that again: has anyone--ANYONE--in all his millennia of existence, EVER said those words to him?

I forgive you.

Mythal certainly didn't.

The world certainly didn't.

He has shouldered all the blame of an entire pantheon, a war that broke the world, a blight, everything, always, and while people have come alongside him to help him, I am not sure anyone (certainly not anyone he cares about) has given him the grace of forgiveness.

The beauty of this final scene for me wasn't just Ilaana, wasn't just Ilaana reuniting with the man she has loved for a decade who has spent all that time pushing her away so he couldn't--in his mind--inevitably poison the love of the only person who has seen his spirit and cherished it without twisting him.

It was the slow realisation that Rook trusted his love enough to try.

It was Morrigan, who carries all Mythal's memories and her own of Flemythal's abuse and machinations, who responds to Rook's question about her views of Solas with: "Or do you mean to discover if I would stand directly against the Dread Wolf, were there a need? I shall aid you in any way but that. What has passed between Solas and Mythal...I beg you: do not ask this of me again."

Morrigan knows. She will not raise a hand against him. She will not try to stop him. She will let the veil fall. She will not fight with Rook. Because she knows this being whose memories she holds has harmed him enough.

Solas, in these final moments, even before Mythal shows up to gut punch him, realises all these people have somehow, somehow, banded together to help him.

Not work for him.

Not be his agents.

Not worship him.

Not follow him blindly.

To help him. To help Solas. To help him, after all this time, take the first steps towards himself. Towards his own essence, so long twisted into something he never sought or wanted.

The Inquisitor and Morrigan certainly understand what it's like to be seen only as the symbol others raise in your image. Rook will learn that someday, but is still naive.

But even with that naivete, willing. Present. Able to put aside being a chess piece on his board. Able to see that they would never have succeeded without his help. Able to trust two people who know him better than they ever will.

Able to offer him grace.

And when they produce Mythal's essence, how that must brutalise him; to think that perhaps all this has been to let his abuser kill him back. He clearly thinks that's what's happening. He breaks. He fawns. He offers her the blade that has caused so much pain.

Her release of him is the bare minimum she owes him. I've already railed about that.

What is transcendent here, transformative--it is the mortals.

The mortals offering grace to a god who never wanted to be a god.

It's them together showing him a way out of an endless cycle of trauma and abuse. No one of them alone is enough. Without Rook, they wouldn't have Mythal's essence; Morrigan can't go get it, and she can't do what is needed because she's not actually Mythal, only has her memories. Without Morrigan, who can stand there with those memories but from the compassionate perspective of someone who has watched them in horror from the outside. She's far from objective, but she can do this one thing to help.

Without the Inquisitor (romanced or not, still someone he let know him as he most desperately wanted to be known--the Fade-walker, the Dreamer, the humble mage who desperately needed a friend). The Inquisitor, who kneels before him to comfort him. Who sees his hurt and responds.

If romanced, without Lavellan, who kneels to repeat back words he once shouted at the Nightmare in the Fade after Adamant.

"Dirth ma, harellan. Ma banal enasalin. Mar solas ema mar din." (Speak, traitor. Your victory was fruitless. Your pride gives way only to your death.)

To which Solas replied, "Banal nadas."

On the surface, nothing is inevitable, but can also be taken to mean that nothingness is inevitable, entropy, the final void. (Thanks to Dumped, Drunk, and Dalish for this excellent long post on this scene.)

And here is Lavellan, kneeling beside him with those words. "Banal nadas ar lath, ma vhenan."

Nothing is inevitable but the love we share, my heart.

I see everything you are, all you have done, and I love you. I forgive you for the pain you have caused me. I understand, see, and forgive.

No one has ever shown him grace like this.

Ever.

And Solas, this shattered man, sobs.

He sobs.

Someone has taken the trouble to isolate his voice in the video. This man has nothing left. And, after millennia of this trauma cycle repeating over and over, he is finally free to make the choice he wants to make. It's not the outcome he wants; that has to be said. He doesn't want to leave the veil up. He doesn't want to be bound into prison forever with no hope of seeing the world he fought for ever return.

But he is done.

In the Fade after Adamant, there is a cemetery with the worst fears of every companion scriven on shrines and stones. Solas's is dying alone.

After all of this, he is willing to face just that--and would, if not for her.

She knows his deepest fears. She has faced the demon Mythal made of the man she loves. She has given unwitting comfort to the spirit of Wisdom still within. She has seen his sweetest self. Nurtured him, cherished him, and has been nurtured and cherished in return.

Does she want to leave the world behind and spend eternity in a Fade prison? Probably not her first choice. It's not my Ilaana's; she has been on his side all this time, dreaming of a world where the spirits she loves can be reunited with the world in peace and ready to make that happen.

But it was not supposed to happen this way. It did happen this way anyway.

He has sacrificed everything--everything--including his own spirit self, his soul, his life. How could she not offer him what no one ever has? A friend forever, a lover willing to walk the din'an shiral by his side, a companion to ward off the forever alone.

Together, the two of them can begin to heal, with their counterpart who has always seen through the burdens of the world to the soul within.

This is the only thing I've ever had any faith in. Grace I know you carry us Grace And it was such a mess Grace I don't say it enough Grace You are so loved

[robot-roadtrip-rants]

Once or twice I've heard ghost stories along the lines of, "A woman gave birth and then sacrificed the baby to the Devil, wooo!" And when I dug deeper into the story, I thought, "Hang on, this sounds like postpartum psychosis." I love a good old fashioned spooky story as much as the next gal, but that realization adds a different level of tragedy to the whole thing. The woman didn't sacrifice her baby to the Devil; she suffered from an untreated illness that prompted her to commit an unspeakable act. Yeesh.

So here's my idea: an expecting family moves to a house occupied by the ghost of a woman who murdered her newborn due to PPP. The living mother gives birth shortly after the move, and that's when the haunting begins in earnest. Stuck in the mental state that she died in, the dead mom starts pushing the same delusions that she suffered onto the living mom and urging her to kill her kid. Woooo, spooky!

Thing is, the living mom is also suffering from PPP, and the ghost's antics just kinda blend in with the delusions that she is already dealing with. She and her partner quickly realize that Something Ain't Right, maybe even recognize her symptoms as PPP, and seek medical help. The treatment is effective, and the living mom begins to recover from her illness.

At first the dead mom just keeps at it with the haunting. But as the living mom goes through her treatment, it starts affecting her, too. She listens to the conversations living mom and partner have about mental illness, and things start to click. The medication that living mom is taking affects dead mom, too, because she linked herself to living mom in order to haunt her. Maybe living mom even discovers a previously undiagnosed condition during her treatment (evidence indicates that there's a link between PPP and bipolar disorder), and she and dead mom have a simultaneous YOOOOOOOOOO moment as they suddenly get answers to So Much Shit that disrupted their lives.

At some point living mom and her partner realize that the former isn't just wrestling with a nasty illness, their house is literally haunted. They do some research, discover the dead mom's story, and go, "Wow, this sounds like the shit we went through!" Meanwhile, living mom's treatment has affected dead mom so much that her haunting antics have started to change. As she escapes the disordered thinking that killed her and her baby, she begins to grieve her loss and bond with the living baby. Living mom and partner have noticed that their haunting has changed for the better, and correctly guess that dead mom is also getting over her illness. They decide to try to communicate with dead mom so they can include her in their healing process.

Eventually, living mom and dead mom both recover. It's not 100% smooth sailing, of course, but when one of them suffers a relapse, the other is there to help them pull out of it. Living mom and partner also help dead mom deal with the grief/trauma that occurs as she accepts that she committed this horrifying crime. At the climax, the living couple finds the graveyard where dead mom's baby is buried. The trio visit the grave together, and dead mom breaks down. She really wanted that baby. She was so looking forward to raising a family. But this fucked up disorder ruined all that in the worst way possible. Rationally speaking, she knows she wasn't in full control of her actions, but emotionally speaking, she cannot escape the profound guilt. And even if she did, it wouldn't fix the harm she did. Her baby is dead. Her baby never had the chance to experience the full depths of life, and she is the reason why. Dead mom apologizes to the baby's grave. She is so, so sorry for what she did to them. She would do anything to undo her actions and give her baby the life they deserved. At the very least, she wishes she could have said goodbye.

The story ends shortly thereafter. With this burst of cathartic grief, dead mom is finally able to let go of her ties to the living world, and move onto the next. OR: dead mom goes home with the living couple. She's still crying on and off, but as living mom and partner comfort her, she starts to smile a bit. As bad as she feels right now, it's clear that she's going to be okay in the long run. And as living baby grows up, they get to have three parents instead of two.

[iguessitsjustme]

Takara's Treasure Ep 1 & 2 Thoughts

 Okay so I just finished Cosmetic Playlover (here is the start of my liveblog if you want to read) and I’m still on the JBL train so it’s time for Takara’s Treasure. I know so little about this show it kind of feels like I’m going in blind but I do know some things. Kind of. Under the cut:

That is my exact question baby boy. What constitutes “a wrong crowd”

NOT THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS WHEN HE APPEARS LKSJDGHKDJFHGKH

Oh he loves plants. I’m obsessed. Love him. 

So because of how I do these liveblogs, you guys do not know how long it takes me to watch each episode. Y’all can just read the next bullet right away but I need to mention how doing these has helped me notice a pattern for myself. It always takes me sooooo long to start getting into shows. I started this episode about an hour ago and I’m not done yet. The episode is 23 minutes long. It takes me so long because I either get distracted or interrupted, but the second I start feeling very attached to the characters, it’s game over and I start flying through the episodes. Especially on a binge. It’s just fascinating to me and I’m kind of glad you guys can’t tell because it is genuinely very frustrating sometimes to want to watch a show and have to fight my brain to keep going because it got distracted (or sometimes it’s because I’m having a flare up and I need to break from the show to deal with it). Anyway, with that said, time to get back on track. I can at least finish episode 1.

Aw the poor baby who lost his bird. I saw this coming but it hurts. I lost my pets a few years ago really tragically (do not ask me about this I will not answer any questions) and it hurts so bad still. I struggle with pets/animals in shows that pass away. It is one of the very, very few things that is actually likely to make me cry. So I get it. Sitting on the mountain and crying all day? Good. Let him process that grief. Let it out baby boy let it out.

What has this man been through? What traumas has he suffered? That is a look of a man who has dealt with some shit. Which means I am going to love him. I am going to absolutely adore him, aren’t I?

Yeah I’d fall in love too. Look at this soft, quiet smile.

Oh sweetie baby he made friends! I’m attached now.

Well since the episodes are short, let’s also do episode 2! Wooo! (send help I feel unwell in multiple ways)

As it turns out..feeling unwell made me fall asleep and it is now the next day. But now I’m about to BINGE. God bless. (pain meds my beloved…yes, I was at cvs at 7 this morning don’t look at me)

I love her AND her pants.

I’m not gonna lie guys, I kind of miss the god awful wigs in Japanese BL. Give me wigs like the ones in Seven Days.

I just spilled cheez-its ALL OVER MY COUCH. It is 9 in the morning. I think I’m actually done with the day now. *eats my last applesauce*

Nooo baby don’t tell him to get rid of the hoops. I like the hoops. Don’t change to studs booo

This baby is so cute asking if he can talk to Takara on campus (It’s Takara and Taishin, right? Also I hope I don’t have their names swapped in my head)

Anyway. He’s so cute. Most people would just start talking to him on campus but he asked if it was okay. Oh my precious baby insecure about How to Friend and it’s just delightful.

What a nice man giving up his seat on the bus. I wish I could do that. I mean I can but it hurts me to stand sometimes. But I love when shows give us tiny little human moments like that. It’s so wholesome and beautiful.

Girl he doesn’t owe you an explanation for not dating you. If he said “no” that’s all the info you are entitled to. Just because he’s single doesn’t mean he’s yours. Gosh that really irks me. I think that’s why I have a problem with the faen fatale trope in a lot of BLs. Because the other person never seems to view our BL boy as an actual person with wants and desires. They project their wants and desires onto them and I don’t know…it’s just annoying to watch. I’m glad it’s not as prevalent as it once was.

Mr. Man on the sidewalk. It is 9:30 in the morning. What could you possibly be screaming about?

Oh I am so smart. Takara is so smart. Took the words right out of my mouth. Literally.

I want all of those umbrellas.

Okay okay I can forgive this show for swapping out the hoops for studs if it’s because Takara likes glassware.

I love this man that Taishin keeps meeting at the bus/bus stop. He’s just so human and kind.

I’ve seen Takara smile twice now and both times the smile has been soft and gentle and aimed at Taishin and I love them both so much.

Whelp. Time for episode 3 methinks

[dxmiyoung]

hello! (pt 2)

hiii everyone it's carly, @jaeyongdx's mun, back at it again for another intro! this time i have ms miyoung, your local empath and very poised and put together cat lady. i'll once again ramble and offer some plot ideas below the cut! i will just plot with anyone for both muses no matter who likes which intro but feel free to like this if you'd like to plot anyway <3 just in case i can reel some of u in with one muse and not the other hehe. fair warning that suicide is a part of miyoung's bg, though nothing graphic is mentioned anywhere, and i'll always tag and use content warnings accordingly! i don't imagine i'll write about it in too much detail, but you never know, and i always prefer to be safe. here is miyoung's about page, and her playlist as a bonus 💗

ABOUT MIYOUNG

she's the baby of her family and they were very kind and normal

her older sister and brother were also both empaths

her oldest sister passed away during childbirth when miyoung was only 7, but at least she got her nephew @dxseoyun out of it

her empathy manifested that same year. it was a lot

her brother always had trouble managing his ability. it was incredibly strong and he was bombarded with everyone's emotions all the time, even across longer distances. medication didn't help enough

( SUICIDE TW ) he took his own life when miyoung was 16. her emotion negation manifested this year, and she used it to Survive

her mother passed by suicide as well, a day before her brother's funeral (/END TW)

this caused miyoung to dedicate herself to studying psychology. she wanted to honor her family and also try to prevent other families from experiencing the tragedies she did

she got several years to heal and find happiness alongside her father, thankfully

he was eventually diagnosed with a fatal kidney disease, though. he was hospitalized within the year and ended up passing away too

she developed her death sense ability about a week before he died. she thought it was anxiety at first but it just Hit Different. and she would feel it for others in the hospital, too, not just her dad

at least it brought her some peace when she lost him

she threw herself into her studies after that - and got a cat, jia, to accompany her

she worked for a while at an assisted living home, and taking calls for a youth mental health hotline while she was in school

she graduated with a masters in clinical social work, and eventually became a licensed therapist wooo 🥳

when she switched to therapy full time she missed working with young people

so she got the certification she needed, and became a counselor for high schoolers in the public school system

she works monday-wednesday at school, and thursday-saturday as a general therapist now

she is a bit of a workaholic. she loves helping others process their emotions but isn't nearly as good at processing her own. she just feels like it isn't that important

PLOT IDEAS

exes, maybe? miyoung has historically only been with men, and they'd have to be around her age (33 currently). i imagine work got in the way if it was recent, or she had too much Other Shit to deal with to fully invest herself in a relationship. there's a lot to work with!

patients. people who need therapy! here she is!

especially interested in getting people from the labs tbh. in my head miyoung has noticed a pattern of memory loss inconsistent with typical trauma-related memory loss and she's honestly very scared of it and i think that would be fun to explore!

if your muse has anyone in their family who goes to hs as well maybe their baby sibling has her as a counselor and gasses her up to them all the time

if u have someone on the younger side, miyoung was answering the youth hotline ~4 years ago and earlier, so if we have any former mentally ill teens! maybe they could've hit her up and meet her in person somewhere and they recognize her voice or smth

i think she goes on walks with jia (her cat). she has one of those cat backpacks for her. so we can definitely plot around that!

she is a coffee shop girlie, so that's always an option too

plots related to her powers outside of work somehow

i'm ngl i'm getting sleepy so let us brainstorm here too 🙏 thank uuu

[tunzalines]

fic ideas i have but will prob never write (or finish)

half of these don't really have names so ill just call them whatever the doc is named OOOOOO OYASUMI omori fic, hikikomori route where sunny can't sleep through the night thus progressing to the next day. based on my own gameplay where in my first run was the hikikomori route (which i did not know at the time) so the first ending i got was this endless night (didn't know i could die in black space at the time). wanted to write about sunny slowly completing everything you could do in headspace till, well, idk lost the vision. wanted to kinda write about how dragging it feels to wake up fall back asleep then wake up again only for a minute to past. wanted it to feel ig defeating, if i was to continue it today maybe id slow burn it into the hiki ending? make it a very depressing crawl to the end

i drink till im drunk, smoke till im high p5 (vanilla royal wasn't a thing at the time) AU fic where the metaverse isn't a thing instead they use scopolamine. inspired by the scopolamine documentary by vice. exactly as i said a retelling of the main story with no powers, never actually started writing it since i wanted to nail out the specifics first like how the PT would get the drug n etc. looking at my notes like under half of them just die via OD damn. i remember id wanted to make it a one shot n focus on the PTs mental state/thought process and how they would devolve into doing this. a change i wrote them targeting Sugimura instead of Okumura cuz haru doesn't want to do that to her dad. Sae same deal, also didn't brainstorm a reason why Makoto joins (or maybe she wouldnt't? hm? hm?) tho i have notes on the blackmail thing still happening. idk how id play it out, whether i have her join or be a confidant. no full notes on Shido tho with Akechi thinking the drugging is inhumane and excessive tho also looking into Shido. don't know if i wanted to have Akechi be a normal detective or something? i could keep in his anger for Shido and have that be the reason he'd help the PTs i dunno. heres a direct note that i have: "Honestly not really a team but just all angry together. Akira druggy backstory is revealed" so akira would somehow supply the scopolamine, like i said never fully ironed that out.

and in that moment you knew you waited to long splatoon fic where a human gets reincarnated into a inkling! made this during splat 2 so id be based in inkopolis and no lore from rise of mammalians. wanted it to be very introspective with the protag living through the time before the end of humanity. so while they wouldn't have experienced it the fear and trauma of being so close to the end like that would carry onto her inkling life. while i didn't note it down i think i wanted the protag not to fully know how humanity ended, yeah obviously there was a rise in sea levels but the details? unknown. the protag would see the world of splatoon and look at it with a objective view while living through it (maybe even lost in life burden with the knowledge of a sunken humanity), though i thought of tartar being apart of the story (which the protag would argue humanity n etc with). don't know if id make it post octo expansion or pre and if i write about tartar id probably write in the squidbeak splatoon. so protag would hear about tartar somehow and go looking n which agent 4 notices and starts following them etc etc, leads to tar and reveals protag is reincarnated! idk. i want protag and tar to talk tho, with separate ideals too like tar: fuck this world. protag: this isnt our world anymore (longing yearning angst, youll never see your love ones or anything close to them ever again). squidbeak could be the fun optimists or something. just a fic about splatoon from the world it was before.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO WATCH ME DISSOLVEEEE SLOWLYYY genshin impact fic wooo, easy synopsis from notes: "aether drinks. cuz paimon is dead" this fic is actually half written! i just lost motive and never continued (tho maybe i will? not anytime soon tho :/). a short story on well aether drinking, running into venti, and the clear sense that something is wrong; nothing outright yet from the get go but aether is clearly unhappy. writing focused on aethers very clear mental distraught and regret (which would be more revealed further into the story). i honestly forgot how i wanted the reveal to go (didn't write it down good going me) but basically aether is tricked by lumine to kill paimon because she holds their sealed power. hm maybe less tricked more forced and pressured into killing piamon, nonetheless aether feels awful and would subsequently drink to forget and confess to venti about what hes done.

press 'E' to open inventory sword art online fic, every so often i think about sao ok. this would be a season 1 fic centered around kirito and his time in the moonlit black cats and how it effects him thru the Aincrad arc, represented by a black coat. based on the different jacket he used with the black cats had the idea that it was given to kirito by them as a kinda welcoming uniform thing. anyways they die and he keeps the jacket in his inventory as a memento. heres the rough notes of the plot: Kirito almost throws the jacket away after in fear and survivor guilt (he doesn't) Kirito then keeps it in his inv 24/7 Asuna could question it maybe ? idk He pulls it out in moments for comfort (but only after a long time he gotta get over the deaths first) One day he wears it (end woo)

ok thats all the drafts i have (when will i learn to finish my stories :[ )

[blade-of-khaos]

Wooo!! I worked up the nerve to ask them when they were leaving!! It lines up perfectly but fuck my heart was racing having to look at them and talk to them. They said they're leaving Saturday but then also they said "I'm really not trying to put you out, this months rent is taken care of and you have a job now I think you've got this" which is true so yaknow whatever I do got it, which is basically what I responded with, all I know in these situations is be dismissive and feel in solitude, and here on this barely secret Tumblr blog. Anyway it's not like I haven't bared my soul to them before, shared my insecurities and shit and it was all just fucked up on all ends. Whatever whatever mind you, I have to keep moving or I'll die, like a Barricuda or something. I'll fact check that eventually. But! I revisited an old journal entry from two months ago where I literally predicted this back stabbing, but I know once there's some space they'll probs reach out to chat down the line, it wasn't a horrible evil narcissist trying to fuck me over, or a abusive control freak on a war path to kill me, it was just a neglected middle child recovering from cult trauma thrashing around like a scared child. And I was them, but my advice ans what worked for me hurt them, so yaknow long time coming and I won't even act like I'm all perfect, I was definetly planning to do the same shit that they are doing I'm thankful they paid the months rent, I'm scared that I won't be alone to process them leaving, with *my* boyfriend moving in.. fuck! I wish I could just dump all my lore out and know that someone somewhere is gonna read it and it'll mean something to more than just the people in the stories. I've picked this hobby up at a very peak point in my life and I don't want anything to be too long, this is already kinda too long for me. Fuck okay listen I'm high. Anyway- my overall takeaway is I'm scared, and I know they're probably scared too, I hope I get to relax soon. I have to try really hard not to forget that my boyfriends birthday is in a few days and he's gonna be here for it! Big bad life events and then just smack it all deep down to prepare for the next big event where I must smile and provide cherished memories to a cherished man who keeps telling me he loves me and then pretending he didn't like a fucking doofus. Oh and same day even is the Monday night raw seth rollins vs cm punk cage match that i am so fucking excited to see, which will be my boyfriends introduction to wrestling, I don't think he will like it because aloot of it does look pretty phony but I think he will like the experience.

Fuck this is so long already who's actually reading this much? Is it still 2025 as you read this or is it a distant future? Is any of this even real? What God does one turn to for safety and financial health? Is that Thor? Apollo? Some rando on the internet who wants to make some strange explicit arrangement? The world today scares me, I hope I am only front stuck because of the roommate situation and not because of..the governmental situation... because I doubt I'll be able to handle four years in front with barely a mfer in co con. Anyway goodnight world imma go kiss my bong goodnight and then I'm off to bed, to forget the horrible ghosts that haunt me.

[bondedbyus]

🌙😱 Nightmares: The Mysterious Connection Between Our Minds & Fears! 👻💭✨

Hello friends! 😊🎉 Welcome back to Aladean! ✨🌟Hope you all are good well and doing excellent in life.

So, today we’re going to talk about... NIGHTMARES! Wooo! 👻💀 Is this an interesting topic? YAAH RIGHT! 🎃✨

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, drenched in sweat, wondering WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! 😨💭 Well, my friends, welcome to the mysterious world of nightmares—where your brain decides to give you a horror movie experience… FOR FREE! 🎬😂

🧠💤 Why Do We Have Nightmares?

Nightmares are like those annoying pop-up ads in your sleep. 🙄 They often come from stress, anxiety, or even spicy food at midnight (Yeah, that extra-large pizza might be haunting you in ways you didn’t expect! 🍕🔥😂). But scientists believe they serve a purpose—helping us process fears and emotions in a safe (but terrifying) way. It’s like your brain’s personal reality TV drama! 📺🎭

🔭🌌 The Telescope Effect of Nightmares

Now, here’s a fun twist! Nightmares work like a telescope 🔭—zooming in on your deepest fears and magnifying them like a cosmic horror show! 🌠😱 Ever had a nightmare where you’re falling endlessly? That’s your brain focusing on your fear of losing control. Or dreaming about your teeth falling out? 🦷😵 That could be anxiety about change or self-image. It’s like your subconscious is playing detective… but in the most dramatic way possible! 🕵️‍♂️💀

🌙😱 Nightmares: The Mysterious Connection Between Our Minds & Fears! 👻💭✨

Hello, dreamers! 🌌😴 Tonight, we’re diving deep into the world of NIGHTMARES! Woooo! 🎃💀 Sounds spooky, right? But guess what? There’s real science behind why we get nightmares! 🧐🔬 So, grab a cozy blanket (and maybe a flashlight 🔦👀) because this is going to be a thrilling ride!

🧠💭 What Exactly Is a Nightmare?

A nightmare is like your brain’s personal horror movie production 🎬—except you don’t get to choose the plot, and you can’t leave the theater! 😨😂 These disturbing dreams often come packed with fear, stress, or overwhelming emotions, making you wake up gasping for air. 😵💨 But why does this happen? Let’s put a scientific telescope on it! 🔭👀

🔬🧬 The Science Behind Nightmares: A Deep Human Connection

Did you know that nightmares are actually an ancient survival mechanism? 🦴⏳ Scientists believe that our ancestors used nightmares as a training ground for survival! 🌿🦁 Imagine being a caveman 🦴🔥—you need to be constantly alert to avoid dangers like wild animals. 🐅😱 So, your brain starts simulating terrifying scenarios in your sleep, teaching you how to react to fear without actually facing real danger! 😲💡

In modern times, we don’t have to run from saber-toothed tigers 🐅🏃‍♂️, but our brain still processes stress, trauma, and fears through nightmares. Your subconscious is like a telescope zooming into your deepest worries, making them bigger and scarier than reality! 🔭👀

🧠 What’s Happening in the Brain? When we dream, a part of our brain called the amygdala (which controls fear and emotions 😨💖) goes into hyperdrive 🚀. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex (which helps with logical thinking 🧐📚) takes a little nap 😴. That’s why in nightmares, everything feels real—you can’t just tell yourself, “Hey, this is just a dream.” Instead, your brain treats it as a full-blown survival mission! 🎯🎭

🛌 How to Stop Nightmares & Sleep Peacefully

Tired of waking up scared? 😰💤 Here are some simple but effective ways to keep nightmares away:

🌿 Relax Before Bed – Meditation, soft music, or reading about beautiful galaxies through a telescope 🔭🌌 can calm the mind! ☕ Skip Caffeine & Spicy Food Late at Night – Say no to midnight ghost chili challenges! 😂🔥 📖 Write Down Your Nightmares – Sometimes, putting scary dreams on paper helps the brain process them better! ✍️📜 🛏️ Create a Comforting Sleep Space – Cozy blankets, dim lighting, and maybe a brass telescope on your nightstand to remind you of adventure over fear! ✨🔭

Your Nightmares Are Not Your Enemy!

Nightmares may seem scary, but they’re actually a sign that your brain is working hard to protect you! 🧠⚡ They teach us about our fears, help us process emotions, and sometimes… they just give us a good ghost story to tell our friends the next day! 👀👻😂

Nightmares Are Your Mind's Secret Language 📝🗝️

Ever had a nightmare that felt too real? Like your brain knew something you didn’t? 🤯 Scientists say nightmares aren’t random—they’re your subconscious speaking in metaphors!

🛑 Example: Dreaming about being trapped in a dark room? 🏚️😨 You might feel stuck in a real-life situation but haven’t admitted it to yourself. 💀 Seeing a ghost from your past? 👀👻 Maybe your brain is forcing you to deal with something unresolved.

So next time you have a nightmare, instead of panicking, ask yourself: What is my brain trying to tell me? 🎭🔍

Nightmares Are Glitches in Time & Reality ⏳😵‍💫

Okay, hear me out—what if nightmares aren’t dreams at all? What if they’re glimpses into parallel dimensions where you’re living a different life? 😳💫

🔬 Some scientists believe that time isn’t linear but layered like a telescope’s lenses 🔭—meaning, when you sleep, you might be tuning into another version of YOU!

🚀 Example: Ever dreamed of falling off a cliff? 🌍😱 What if, in another timeline, you actually did?! (Chill, though—you’re safe here! 😅).

Nightmares could be our brains accidentally peeking into alternate realities—or maybe even past lives! 👀💭

Nightmares Are Messages From Another Realm 🌌🛸

Okay, let’s get a little weird. 😏 What if nightmares aren’t from us at all? What if they’re messages from another world? 👀✨

Many ancient cultures believed that dreams (especially nightmares) were spiritual warnings. Some even thought they were visions sent by spirits, gods, or even extraterrestrial beings! 🛸👽

🔮 Example: Some people report seeing the same shadowy figure in their nightmares throughout their life. 😱 What if it's not just a dream but an entity trying to communicate with you? 👻💬

Crazy? Maybe. But admit it—you’re thinking about it now! 😂

👁️ The Nightmare That Watches You

Ever woken up in the middle of the night completely frozen? You try to move, but you can’t. Your body refuses. Your breathing is shallow. And worst of all? You’re not alone.

Something is in the room with you. 🖤👁️ You can feel it. You don’t see it at first, but you just know it’s watching. The air turns ice-cold. ❄️ Your heartbeat pounds in your ears. Then… a shadow shifts in the corner.

You want to scream, but your mouth won’t open. It never does.

😱 This isn’t just a dream. This is real. Scientists call it sleep paralysis. But what if they’re wrong? What if, in that moment… you’re not the one dreaming? What if you’re the one being watched?

🔭 The Telescope That Sees Beyond Dreams

There’s an old legend about an antique brass telescope. No one knows where it came from, but those who look through it at night… never sleep the same again.

👀 People say if you aim it at the stars long enough, you’ll see something staring back. At first, you think it’s a trick of the light. A shadow, a speck. But then, it blinks.

The worst part? Once you’ve seen it… it’s seen you too. And from that night on, you start dreaming of something crawling towards you. Something with no face.

And each night, it gets closer.

So, next time you wake up from a nightmare, take a deep breath. You’re not alone! 💙 And if you need something comforting after a spooky dream, check out our vintage collection at Aladean—we’ve got brass telescopes, nautical wonders, and elegant gifts that are way cooler than any nightmare! 😉🎁✨

Sweet dreams, my friends! 😴🌙💫 And remember—fear is just an illusion… unless it’s your WiFi going down at midnight! 😱📵😂

[night-faye]

IS SHE CALCIFYING THE STAFF AND MK???

SUN WU KONG WOOO!!!!

Oh GOD

He takes note of staff, is clearly Processing Some Trauma (and anger). then TURNS TO LOOK AT MK, TAKES IN HOW SCARED AND SAD HE IS, AND IS LIKE "NO TIME FOR THAT. GOT A KID TO PROTECT"

oh god oh god oh god he's so weakened right now oh fuck oh no

OUCH WHAT A ROUGH LANDING

oooooo that look. oh. oh yikes oh ouch. he's going through the horrors huh

Oh MK buddy :(

"Hey, bud, miss me?" HE'S PUTTING ON A BRAVE FACE FOR MK

"Where were you!?!?! You could have stopped this! we could have...We have to go back! We have to take her down" He trying to prevent this, MK. Don't yell at hiimmm :(

"We can't." >*look of frustration*<)

me: :(((((((((((

"I'm going to get my staff and finish this"

"The staff is gone, bud. And I'm in no shape to face her. neither of us are." THE FACT HE IS STILL CALLING HIM BUD. GOD.

"I didn't get back in time" >*look of anger directed at himself. Frustration at the situation. and regret*<

Pigsy: back from what? Your vacation?

Wukong: >*sitting there. roughed up as hell and clearly having had A Time before getting there*<

Me: do you guys not have eyes????? huh??? Pigsy I get you're worried over you son but come on

Pigsy: You're suppose to be his mentor!

Wukon: >*look of absolute heartbreak and sadness and regret*<

Me: rip my heart out why don'tcha

Sandy you god thank you

[thistlecatfics]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💙

wooo ok time to celebrate fics I have actually written :)

Andromeda Liberata (130k+, M, Andromeda/genderbent!Ted Tonks, 3 part series)

This fic is my baby, my child, my first. After a couple years off, I'm revisiting when I've written for part 3 (turns out I've already written 12k words??) so hopefully I'll get more of that posted soon.

Icarus (20k, M, Pansy/Parvati/Millicent for HP Triad Fest)

A year after the war, Parvati runs into Pansy and Millicent at a club in Ibiza and finds herself embedded in their debauchery. None of it’s healthy, and it works until it doesn’t.

If I stop reccing this fic of mine, I am dead. I love these three so much, and every time I revisit it I find myself falling back into the story.

Duty (2k, M, Regulus/Sirius, Regulus character study)

Regulus knew what a duty was.

A disgustingly personal bit of trauma processing, which somehow also works really well as a fic.

Family Legacy (1.6k, T, Tedromeda + Remadora + Teddy/Victoire for @hptransfest) 

Three generations of trans/nonbinary/gender questioning Tonks-Lupins.

I have reread this fic so many times, and it makes me so happy again and again.

Nymphadora, Nymphet (20k, M, Bellatrix/Tonks, no Voldemort AU) for @womenofthehouseofblack

Dear Nymphadora, I’ve been informed of a temporary Defence professor this year, and you may have gathered she is (was) my sister. Be careful. If she attempts to harm you in any way, report straight to Professor Sprout. We shall talk more at Christmas; it may be time for you to learn more about my side of the family. Please watch your potions work – I know you can do better than last year. -Mum

What an obscenely disturbing fic. I love it.

[the-acid-pear]

@petpetpinixy o7 <33333

Starting this off w a fat disclaimer that this is just a Vibe a I Relate™ and probably 100% unintentional. I say this bc one of the songs is named after the singer and I won't play armchair psychologist w him. That said;

1. Roberto - El Cuarteto De Nos

(Translated lyrics)

This is the one the warning goes out for bc he's Roberto Musso and he's singing about Himself like he often does but I always... Found that sort of comfort to the lyrics like fuckkk this happened to my buddy Me. Even before I came to terms w the plurality (which was all the time before late 2024).

Summary of the song it's just a bunch of different advice and idioms but what stands out is this bridge

Because it 1) clarifies the voices are not external 2) clarifies he doesn't Want to listen to them meaning they're not just Thoughts and 3) clarifies this is something that'll be here for the long run. He also makes a different higher pitched voice for the middle part. My guess is it's imitating the voice telling him to not complain about them, likely a woman by the pitch.

Which all in all builds a very plural coded picture w a group of different voices independent of his own existing simultaneous to him trying to help him out and give their own input. And I love that 🚬 even if just coincidence. Even w him being Upset about this a lot of ppl Dislike this reality so there's that extra bite.

2. The Priest - Graveyard Train

(Lyrics)

This one is comically more straight forward. But it's simply a list of people going "we are [thing]", with a wide range of things from abstract to straight forward. But what makes it plural coded is this segment

Which is also the best part of the song by fair that WOOO is so good but regardless; it stablishes these multiple different things existing as individuals within a singular being. It's also kind of funny how affirming the wording is like saying he has to exorcise all 8 of them. Not that the 7 others are the demon but that the process has to go for them all. At least my interpretation. Which is so funny.

But yeah. Very straightforward one. Plural as fuck. Priest thought he was some possessed guy but no 7 other people jumpscare. As a fun fact I want to make a pvm of this one w Meee but I'm so fucking lazy.

3. Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

(Lyrics)

WHILE LOOKING FOR THEM I FOUND OUT THE WOKE LEFT IS TRYING TO CANCEL MY GIRLS I'M GOING INSANE WHATEVER STUPID AND BESIDES THE POINT BUT LIVID RN anyway.

This one is a controversial one a little. It's complicated. Bc it's a very negative and mournful song. But it's a grim reality to being stuck w someone forever even when it's not your choice.

There's constant fighting and disagreements and just speculating about what they will become while having to do it together. It's just a lifelong bond for better and for worse. And while the song is very specific on its story the parallels are easy to draw.

And ☝️ there's the theme of trauma. With one of them saying "looking in your eyes I'm coming home". And I don't remember the whole lore but that's Bæd. And it can reflect how for some plurality feels like a reminder of their trauma and an alter like a symbol of the pain they went thru which can create this animosity towards. Not a personal case but something I've witnessed.

====

That's all I have so far. Not something particularly easy to run into but a W that there's more than 1 ^_^

Who wanna hear about the songs that probably aren't about plurality but are so plurality coded to me...

[cruelprincae]

Cardan will tell you he knows a place and then he will drag you underneath a table while his family gets murdered.

[samwontshare]

Oh no, it’s ‘read a bunch of depressing Bucky fan fic’ hour

[passioneflora]

part 4: crazy🤪noisy🤧bizarre😳town😆!! wooo morioh!!!!! Hell yeah josuke ! KOICHI<3 !! OMG Okuyasu !!!

me still trying to process the trauma of part 3: stat dus … , crysades…..

[maudiemoods]

More of that one oc!! I have a whole story planned out for him and it's kinda like a prequel to beings made of stardust! Maybe prequel is the wrong word but the two stories are heavily connected!!

There are close ups of stuff under the cut!!

This is pretty much the process of his death! Using the abilities he's gathered through the years, he creates basic life and watches over it! It's his way of mindlessly coping with his trauma and the loss of his young life!! Wooo!!!

[cocogukkie]

2021: kdramas in review (the heartwarming, the frustrating, and the sob-worthy)

it is indeed, once again, december 31st and I am back with kdramas-in-review ✨2021 edition✨ (it is 8 pm as i write this so *high fives myself*)

this year has been a pretty good kdrama year (if we ignore the fact that I didn’t watch a single thing this december) I ended up having watched 54 dramas! plus a rewatch. thats pretty darn good if I do say so myself, also really highlights how little I accomplished this year lmao. just stayed at home and watched tv, truly inspiring.

this year was chock-full of major hits and major misses for me and unfortunately i’ve got some super popular ones as ones that I think were kinda bad *runs and hides* now disclaimer my friends, these are my opinions and you are very welcome to think i’m wrong! and thats okay!! I watched all of these in 2021 but not all of them were released in 2021. (quite a few of these have multiple answers bc im indecisive like that)

(theres only 10 gifs in this bc tumblr cut me off at ten, how long was this a thing?? 😭😭how rude)

most heartwarming drama of the year

Racket Boys (2021)

this drama was so slept on!! its AMAZING YALL! it is genuinely the sweetest, most relatable, wholesome drama about friendship and all the dynamics that come with that. it's about first loves and the painful wonderful awkwardness of it all, it's about parents going through their own issues, them realizing they might be hurting their kids and wanting to do better for them, working towards actually listening to their kids and adapting and growing. it's about community and being there for others. It's genuinely so so good and everyone should watch it. the child actors are incredibly talented and i’m def going to be following their careers in the future.

Navillera (2021)

another absolute banger my dears, this was a beautiful drama and i loved it from the first ep. it's about going after your dreams, whether you’re young or older, and achieving them to the best of your capabilities. It's also about finding what you want to do in life, especially when you don’t have a specific dream. it's about the dichotomy of loving your parents even when they’ve failed you and deciding what level of a relationship you want with them. its found family and platonic m/f friendships and the pains of growing old and the tragedy that is alzheimers. navillera made me cry because of how absolutely beautiful and heartwarming it was. 10/10 recommend.

drama(s) that made me SOB

(a smidge of spoiler territory for this section!!)

Youth of May (2021)

ahhhh hahahah i fucking sobbed. there's no way around it. this devastated me, ESPECIALLY because of how much i loved the characters and rooted for them and their happiness. myung hee and hee tae are two characters that are doing their best despite the situations they are born into and the expectations surrounding them in 1980s korea. this drama is joyful and painful all in 12 episodes and it hurt. it's about the gwangju uprising and the devastation that followed, so trigger warning for a lot of death. if you want just the happy adorable bits, just watch the first 6 eps and don’t touch the last 6 w a 50 ft pole.

Move to Heaven (2021)

wooo another sob fest occurred this whole drama. i think i cried through half the show? i accidentally ended up binging it because of how good it was. so i’d watch a few episodes, cry my eyes out, get a break from another episode, and then the next one had me weeping again. this is about geu ru (who is also autistic) who worked with his father as a trauma cleaner. his father passes away in the first episode and geu ru has to process his grief while also dealing with meeting his estranged uncle. this was an excellent look at societal issues in korea, what grieving looks like on different people in various circumstances, how people even process their grief. so many stories in this were so touching and heartbreaking while also being incredibly heartwarming.

dramas with chemistry royalty (aka the best couples)

Run On (2020-2021)

this ended in 2021 so i count it as watching it this year! seon gyeom and mi joo are the realest couple out there, these two are so wonderful and adorable while also showcasing the awkwardness in adult relationships and how miscommunication can be solved with… communication. they care about each other deeply while also not intruding on each other, respecting each other's boundaries, promoting that self love is the key to happiness and a long-lasting relationship. just so cute and precious.

Vincenzo (2021)

these dorks!! our lawyer power couple, absolute icons. their fashion and one-liners are enough to kill em dead. they are so so funny and are partners in the truest sense (which is my actual lifeblood). they bicker and didn’t really like each other at first, before we got them slowly moving to friendship! then partners/best friends!! then mutual pining!! its truly beautiful. vincenzo isn’t a romance (sad days) so our babies don’t get together till the very end but the journey was so much fun that i didn’t care at all.

Youth of May (2021)

i loved myung hee and hee tae and their relationship was precious and loving and funny and full of banter. they’re both absolute sweethearts and i want to be best friends with both of them. i related to myung hee so much, especially with the love she has for her younger brother. she is so brave and kind and hee tae is so smart and funny, they were perfect for each other. they were each other's chosen family and I just thought that was beautiful.

Doom at Your Service (2021)

another banter-filled, adorable, dorky couple! can you tell I have a specific type lol. these two were precious!! they supported each other, they were so goddamn funny together. their senses of humor matched perfectly and i laughed so much with them. dong kyung was relatable and myeol mang was wholly there to be a complete simp for her (as i think we all were). their relationship was honestly the driving force of this show (the plot is a little not really there and i didn’t love the side couple situation)

Happiness (2021)

MY BABIES <33333 i just finished watching this one and i. loved. them. they’re best friends to lovers with a marriage of convenience and seemingly unrequited pining but it's requited!! *sobs in happiness* (lol get it)

they’re partners, they care about and understand each other on a deep level. they know each other better than the back of their own hands, they support one another from episode 1, they were married! before they even realized it. just perfection. happiness is a mystery/thriller and these two absolutely stole the whole show.

best OST

Hospital Playlist 2 (2021)

I have to give this to hosplay because i genuinely have added almost every single song from season 2 onto my playlist. my personal favorite is Running in the sky by HYNN, i had this on repeat for like a month.

most frustrating/disappointing drama of the year

Sisyphus: The Myth (2021)

ahhh where to even start with this one…. first off, it was jtbc’s special anniversary drama which meant it was supposed to be,,,, i dunno,, good? and it was good at first. and then it got worse and worse and worse. i don’t think anyone really watched this one and tbh i wish i was one of them. the story is ridiculous, the ending is ridiculous, the whole thing failed to come to any sort of conclusion. the character work was atrocious. just nope. save your time and energy. if you watched this and want to read my rant after i finished it click here lol

dramas that fridged their female characters for ✨man pain✨

this was a weird thing i noticed this year in dramas and i did not like it. i thought we were over doing this shit but i guess not. spoilers ahead!

The Devil Judge (2021)

um i know a lot of people loved this but i didn’t. i get why others do, but i just couldn’t get over the writers for this one killing off half their female characters?? (all their main lead women btw) all for man pain??? or furthering a male plotline. like… please. soo hyun? dead for ga on’s pain. sun ah? dead. cause she gives up or her love for yo han or something?? i dunno man. even kyung hee got killed off to further the plot. at least elijah and jin joo didn't die *sigh*. my problem isn't that these women are dead, it's that only one male character died to further the plot and he was a supporting character. the scales are not even.

Jirisan (2021)

another one where almost every woman died to further the plot, except jirisan is even worse than the devil judge. bc in devil judge at least 2 survived. in jirisan, every woman in the title credit scenes except our female lead dies! all of them!! the fuck?? yang sun? dead. da won? dead. the grandma? dead. i cannot. none of the men died, just why. me no likey.

dramas that everyone else liked but the story devolved into nonsense (for me!!)

Mouse (2021)

pffft this show was ridiculous by the end. i actually really loved it for the first 10 eps, thought it was really interesting and engaging. and then the last 10 eps were dragged out, the story devolved into nonsense, things conveniently happened to move plot points along, the supposed “science” behind psychopaths got convoluted and don’t get me started on the amount of random brain surgeries occurring. as if the brain isn’t the most complicated part of our body. i have to laugh, truly. if you wanna give this a chance, go for it. but be prepared to suspend your disbelief all the way to jupiter.

Devil Judge (2021)

putting aside the fridging of female characters, uhh the story got so dragged out and boring by the end? was it just me? i was so bored the last 6 eps, the whole televised court system thing got repetitive and the points they bring up are really obvious ones?? at least to me. i didn’t love yo han like so many others so that's probably why i didn’t like it. again, give this a go if you wanna try it but be prepared for a lot of political jabber.

my favorite kdrama women this year

Kang Sol A: Law School (2021)

my queen, my girl, my ride or die. I love kang sol with my whole ass heart, i relate to this girl on a molecular level. i too suck at studying, i too am clueless to blatant flirting, i too will defend my friends to the death, i too wish to be as smart as her. she proves over and over again that tests don’t prove shit and her genius is shown through application and how she treats others. law school also has one of my favorite female friendships of all time, 💞💞💞ye seul x kang sol 💞💞💞

Ji Woo: My Name (2021)

i want to both hug jiwoo and be her best friend. she needs one very much and i am all too willing to provide. she was amazing to watch, her drive is inspiring, her story was heartbreaking. shes a complicated messy wonderful smart human being

Saebom: Happiness (2021)

if saebom stomped all over me, i would thank her. she is so smart, a complete and total badass. she’s also a lil weirdo and i love her for it. she cares about others but she’s not willing to let herself be emotionally trampled for it. she knows her boundaries and she protects them as well as being a fighter for the boundaries of those she cared about. i adore her.

Myung Hee: Youth of May (2021)

myung hee… my girl… she is a protective older sister who puts the needs of others above her own and wow do i relate. she has a tumultuous relationship with her dad and is a single female in 1980s gwangju trying to be independent and support herself. she works on trying to put herself first while also caring about her family. she is selfless and helping others is her life (she’s a nurse). again, i love her dearly. one of my favorite female characters.

overall favorite romance

Hye Jin & Du Sik: Hometown Cha Cha Cha (2021)

here they are!! my king and queen in all their glory!!!! if you know me or follow my blog, you know how much i love these two. they 100% could have also gone into chemistry royalty but i thought that list was getting long and this section is dedicated to them because that's how much i adore them. they’re bickering/enemies to lovers, they’re absolute perfection. they are perfect for each other, they learn to care about each other's quirks and not to judge one another based on initial perception. they challenge each other to be better, they talk to each other when they have problems. they love each other openly and loudly. they’re just so so great and a joy to watch.

favorite mystery/thrillers

Taxi Driver (2021)

this was so much fun! the vibes were there, the stories were all based on real events in korea which makes it even cooler. it was so engaging and interesting, plus lee je hoon fucking delivered. it felt kinda like leverage but with more trauma and i loved seeing the gang succeed and take down bad guys. i got my brother to watch this and he loved it too

Happiness (2021)

this drama was laced with something, i swear. i could not stop watching it. the vibes, the music, the characters, the fast-paced plot, it was all so so good. watch it!!

favorite netflix kdrama miniseries

D.P. (2021)

these are the 6/8/10 ep minis that netflix has been releasing this year, like; squid game, hellbound, my name, the silent sea, etc…

my personal favorite of the bunch hands down has been D.P.. it talks about an issue i didn’t really know a lot about, the military and its weird politics, rules, rigid structure and how it can really hurt some people (specifically men in this situation). i loved the dynamic between our two main leads, they were funny and kind of sad and heartwarming and engaging. this show broke my heart and im so excited for season 2 whenever it comes out. this drama has a lot of triggers so send me an ask for them (i also have a post)

favorite slice of life dramas

Hospital Playlist 2 (2021)

this season was so funny! i died laughing at so many parts, they really focused on the supporting characters this season rather than an overarching plot. I know other people didn't love it as much as hosplay s1 but i loved this season just as much. plus iksong finally sailed!! clutching my heart over here.

Hometown Cha Cha Cha (2021)

is this a surprise? nope. a beautifully filmed slice of life that explores people and various societal issues in korea. like divorced couples and the impact on their kids, parental death, how pregnant women can get treated by men (more specifically their husbands). it also focuses on regular day-to-day issues like living with loss, letting oneself feel their tragedy rather than bottling it up, opening yourself up to new relationships, not judging based on initial perceptions, being there for others, being kind, and so much more. a wonderful wonderful drama that is near and dear to my heart.

Reply 1988 (2015-2016)

I finally watched this!! I watched it earlier this year and then promptly rewatched it two months later. I adored this drama and the end makes my heart hurt in a good way and I can’t believe it took me this long to watch this. I get the hype, i truly truly get it.

favorite fantasy drama

The Uncanny Counter (2020-2021)

my favorite found family of the year!! this drama was a whole lot of fun with emotional depth and wonderful well-rounded characters, badass fight scenes, and satisfying taking down of bad guys! absolutely loved the relationships between our main 4 characters

Doom At Your Service (2021)

the fantasy elements were a lot of fun, myeol mang was actually a lil scary when he was hunting down bad guys (it was also hot af ngl). doom at your service was really enjoyable and was more a fantasy slice of life? the focus wasn’t really on the supernatural in this one, it was more on dong kyung and her prognosis.

k-movies i really loved

Little Forest (2018)

the quietness of this movie, showing the peace of living in a small village really made me want to live in a quiet town. i LOVED the detail of showing the food being made, it was so peaceful and calm. touches on themes of figuring out what you want to do in life, finding your own path and coming to terms that what you wanted as a kid might not line up with you as an adult.

Train to Busan (2016)

i watched this! extremely behind the trend as always!! and it was so damn good. i cried at this movie too. trust everyone’s reviews and watch this, it is so good.

Extreme Job (2019)

i watched this for honey lee and no regrets, this was funny as fuck. its about cops opening up a chicken restaurant as part of a sting and then being extremely successful at it. its got cool fight scenes, interesting characters, and a hilarious ending.

dramas i'll be starting immediately in 2022

these are the dramas that I just didn’t get a chance to start at the end of 2021 and will be starting immediately (as in tomorrow) bc they just look so good!!

Our Beloved Summer

Inspector Joy

The Kings Affection

Bad And Crazy

The Silent Sea

The Red Sleeve

mydramalist in my bio for every drama i've watched and their specific ratings!