#work can’t even give them away
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They didn’t even try to make these sound appetising.
‘Shut up and eat your cubes’ :/
#shitpost#foodblr#nurishh#nothing against vegan food generally#but these just look awful#I’m sorry#work can’t even give them away
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I have… lots of thoughts on milsiril and kabru and the commentary on mixed-race family/adoption, in particular white parents with children of color. I think it’s really cool kui incorporated this into the story because lots of (particularly white) people just think adoption is this pure altruistic thing and don’t think about the negative affects it has on kids (again, kids of color) to not have people of their own culture to grow up with.
#I’m white so I can’t pretend this is something I am able to fully understand#and I feel like it’s not my place to write an essay on it? I’m sure poc could do it a lot better than me#but someone who is close to me is a poc in a kind of kabru adjacent situation#and I don’t want to give details bc this is personal and (obviously) not just to me so I don’t really want to talk about it too much#my point is. kabru ans milsiril just hit me really hard#I really love that kui made their relationship a relatively good one for the most part but she doesn’t just pretend it’s perfect#because it’s like. even if your parents are the best they can possibly be.l#if they don’t understand your culture that’s still a huge loss isn’t it?#and milsirils parenting skills….. definitely need a lot of work even if she means well#and the description of her adoptions as a ‘hobby’ makes it seem rather flippant imo#(not sure if that was just a translation thing tho)#but my impression is that kabru does still think of her fondly and is grateful for her taking him in and teaching him things#at the same time he does voice his frustrations about the cultural disconnect between them and her being ‘overprotective’#but yeah#like that kind of thing needs to be talked about I’m grateful that she not just doesn’t shy away from it but puts it in your face like that#.txt#dungeon meshi#oh also clarification#when I say kui talks about this stuff I do mean as an allegory#bc while I don’t think it is at all a coincidence that kabru is dark skinned and milsiril is white (coded?)#their skin color doesn’t really come into account here#it’s really the disconnect between elves and tall-men#but look me in the eye and tell me that’s not what she was going for
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our landlady sent someone to fix our kitchen floor (good, it was literally caving in and needed to be fixed for almost a year. Was legit afraid I’d fall thru it) but they are taking sooo long and I haven’t been able to cook for a full week bc our kitchen has to stay empty for them to work so the stove and fridge are just in the corner of another room. So. I’ve been eating chip meals for a full week and I am so sick of them. I need to cook I need VEGEBAL SO BAD I am going crazy
#IM GOING TO GET FUCKING SCURVY#there’s no counters to fix food so I can’t even rly prep and I’m ngl I’ve felt like shit so I don’t wanna leave the house to like#buy shitty premade salads or something but I need to ugh#I’m so sick of ppl being in the house working too the noise is driving me up the wall#it needed to be done and I appreciate them but thee autism is activating#I think my mom said the landlady wanted them to refloor other rooms after they finish the kitchen and I’m like…ok it needs it but if they#do my room and it takes as long as the kitchen does and I cannot squirrel myself away in my room#and have to work from the living room? I’m going to die fr#everyone in my family is loud and I need quiet to work#and my dad smokes in there and it gives me a headache#and where da hell am I going to put my cat. AAA#I’m just very stressed . I want to abscond to the woods where it is Quiet#I hate Sounds my anxiety is level 4849393 I’ve been so cranky it’s BAD#then I feel bad abt feeling bad bc it’s not rhe workers faults they’re doing a good job they put cabinets up and are repainting the walls#like when they were just supposed to be doing the floors . very nice#but adding days on TwT;;#not that it didn’t need the Reno like water damage aside the house is old and not cute old.#falling apart old.#sanchoyorambles
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have had a very disappointing and stressful morning but at least i am sitting by the ocean with the sun shining on my face
#appreciating the ocean while i can before i move to canada in a week#i’m like . very upset and feeling dramatic and i think im within right to cuz it meant a lot to me#was meant to be going to the a15 action in my city and i had it all planned out#but i don’t have a car cuz my friends car broke down so i let them have mine early#and i planned to wake up at 5:30 and drop my mum off at work so i could have her car for the day#but then yesterday at the rally my friend was like oh i’ll come with u!#so after we drove back from melbourne i left my sign in their car (my car…)#and then this morning 5 mins before they were meant to pick me up they were like oh i’ve been called into work#which like understandable that they need the work but telling me 5 mins before u were supposed to pick me up…. 25 mins before the event…#anyway the next bus was so much later but i got on anyway after stressing a bunch#and i was like well even if im an hour late i still wanna show up#but it ended literally right as i got there im so upsetttt#i think the main reasons i’m upset is cuz this would be my last action in australia#cuz i’m moving in a week and i can’t go to this sundays rally in melb#and i was gonna give away my sign cuz i don’t want to throw it out but i can’t take it with me when i move#and i planned to participate in this for weeks n had it all sorted out i should have just gone with my own plans :(#anyway it is what it is i’m disappointed but i’m sitting in the sun by the ocean listening to day6 so it’s all fine really#p
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Kaeya absolutely thrives with a possessive lover. There will be a point at first when he does get a little weirded out, but solely bc he is still adjusting to accepting he’s genuinely wanted by that person. With an exceptionally possessive lover who consistently makes no secret of just how much they love him and how far they’re willing to go, he tends to get so weak for, because he’ll rapidly feel much more secure in their relationship and not worry as much that he’ll be abandoned, either from faded interest or due to his heritage.
#hc; kaeya#//He only starts drawing the line when his close friends in the knights/Winery fam get hurt#//But people won’t tend to go to those extremes; knowing him and who he usually associates with#//But he does LOVE partners who are V tactile; esp around others (once he gets used to it); hold him TIGHT so he can’t get away from easy#//Loves a partner who boldly declares him theirs to sb to drive home their claim; just SAYING he’s theirs at All gives him the fuzzies#//If they even so much as actively go and stalk him at work or daily routine; he gets a lil bit giddy#//If they are the kind to go Ape Shitt bc sb hurt him; he will ADORE THEM. Esp if right in front of him#//And smooch them all over their face; to hell with if they’ve got blood smeared across it#//Is prolly a bit MORE inclined to Initiate things if they do; tbh#//Loves the type unafraid to mark him up if they feel the urge to; esp if their jealousy got piqued#//Even if he may ask for more subtle spots like the junction of his neck; arms; JUST at the edges of the chest opening on his shirt#//Smth he can show off by shifting and positioning himself in certain ways; while not being TOO visible typically#//He does have to retain Professionalism after all. and would HATE to have to go to the church or Jean to erase the marks bc of it#//The main issue would be them rlly nagging him to open up so they can know More of him#//Bc THAT is difficult; no matter how whipped he is for sb#//However being given a decent incentive to Make him talk does help—esp the more they’ve shown to want to cling to him#//They are more trustworthy#//He lets a Lot slide when it comes to himself during a relationship#//Esp since he knows he’s more than capable of putting a Stop to shit if it goes to far; for himself or others getting involved#//But he can’t help getting the dokis when his partner is Unhinged; ESPECIALLY if such for HIM#//Esp if HE’S encouraged to be the same way#//Bc BOY will he himself RUN with shit if he’s allowed#//Sometiems he will deliberately do things to set off their possessiveness; but is always careful not to let it go Too Far#//He can handle the manhandling and being knocked around a bit by them due to his own masochism; loves them RLLY marking & wrecking him#//But he won’t do smth that will get sb Else hurt. unless they deserve it; THEN it’s a different story
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i lov. not studying <3
#personal#the engineering chronicles#me sitting here scrambling to work on my schedule next semester bc all my physics waitlist spots opened for me yesterday and they only give#you 36 hours to accept them 😭#it won’t let me accept the section i actually want bc to do that i need to move a different class that is now full for all sections and tha#class is linked to multiple other class so i can’t drop it even when im on the waitlist for other sections of it or it drops like half my#schedule. ugh#but whatever. the other section doesn’t seem too bad and honestly less hassle for me but. theprofessor for the section i want has really#really good reviews and he’s like the only one in the whole department :(#the physics chronicles#anyway. not nearly as worried abt this exam as today’s since this professor told us he’s tossing away the 70% average rule they put on all#the engineering syllabi so i can get a 17% and still pass lmao. but i would like to do more than just pass obviously so really need to get#to work on reviewing 😭 it’s 11 pm already
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#im going to use these tags as a way to beat my soul about my job so if you come at me you’re a bitch and i hope you stub each individual to#i finally realized why im unhappy being a teacher and it’s because i don’t care about the future of these kids more than the cursory#‘I hope theyre ok’ you would feel for any stranger in the world#like i want to harm to come to them but i truly don’t care about them#like the kid that sleeps in class ? my thought is finally he’s fucking quiet the kid that’s got a 2% and doesn’t pay attention im like#whatever like im not motivated to get them motivated and if I wasn’t the kind of person that cared about her work id give them worksheets#for the rest of the year making them silently work while I r ead books all day#like I feel like at the beginning I did the calling home and the tutoring and the flipping over backwards to get as many of the kids to#their reading level and ensure they’re getting a great history lesson that’s going to reach every student and now im like#this is the lesson and if you like it great if you don’t idc you can pay attention or fail it’s on you#and part of me feels bad like I should want to dress up like x figure and get them engaged by doing xyz and like I just don’t want to#it’s like what’s the point im going to engage the same 9 kids in each class while the other 21 pretend to#pay attention while they’re texting under their desk and then they’re going to try to google or use ai the answers#and im like…. whatever i dont care turn it in don’t turn it in whatever#ik too young to feel this apathetic about teaching and it suck but also oof I don’t care#I want to quit at the end of the year before my apathy turns into hatred I’ve seen teachers that hate hate the kids and that can’t be me#like even if I stayed for 30 years it wouldn’t be me but the idea of it scares me#I don’t want this job to change who I am as a person but it’s taking away my care for the younger generation#I don’t hate them or wish them ill but I just genuinely don’t care about them or their progress or anything#it’s scary#anyways im rambling idk im just having a bad day ill see this tomorrow and be like wow girl get a snickers cuz this isn’t you#but rn that’s how im feeling
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Dangit big money friend I know which blog is yours I just can’t find it or remember the url n can’t find you in the DMS I kNOW I’ve talked to you (adhd memory fog promise I got that big respect)—- but I can’t say Paypal names allowed in fear of deadnames. YOU COME GET ART FROM ME POSTHASTE. hell I’ll make physical art and MAIL IT TO YOU. Your generosity knows no bounds and I hope to share the love with the energy it provides me to SURVIVE.
Note to self: I should make an art piece about the Wealth of Having Community.
#me.#(you essentially just replaced my uncle for the month which is. so comforting.#(for me and for him#(letting him know I’m taking care of#(feels like it’s always been a fear of people who take care of me that I can’t— FIND HELP—- i prommy to them I’ll try my hardest#(either by loving a strong community or by making due by little art pieces#(I grew up homeless I struggle to even see ‘trouble’ as trouble sometimes#(I get in the red I do panic#(but not eating not buying anything not doing anything that’s not free—- that’s my childhood#(I can SURVIVE IT#(but bank red scares me cause it’s Persistent and always appears when you’re least able to attend it (ie: no money?? lETS CHARGE YOU MORE!!#(sniff#(Good people get mentioned to my church lady friend#(she’s. nice. but she has the Christian values of ‘if ur good- good things will happen’ ie: YOU NEED TO EAARRNNN GOODNESS#(usually by working hard#(but lookit this. I do work. I don’t kill my self over it tho. and I spend the rest of my energy on people I care about#(if I had money I’d always be giving it away lord knows I did in college oof#(could’ve saved more if I didn’t help all my friends w their problems but#(that’s how the rich get rich. they in it for themselves.#(*I am rich in relations* so hrmPh#(**rambles further** also spoke to my friends about how the suburbs are subpar communities cause u can’t run businesses in em#(no churches no stores no repairs. cause you can kick someone out of a house but not out of their BUSINESS LOCATION.#(but also cause it risks creating a community you can’t control. becomes self sufficient. doesn’t require capitalism selling them shit.#(when they can share trade and gift. ugh. beautiful times.
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#starting to think that maybe it’s time to give up#all my attempts at making friends here just keep flatlining. i constantly feel like i’m not wanted around#and all my closest friends are so far away. and i feel like they’re only drifting further apart#i can’t remember the last time i felt genuinely comfortable around someone or like i can actually be myself#i don’t really feel understood by anyone anymore. not even my closest friends#and i’m so so grateful for my family but it’s getting to the point where they’re the only meaningful relationship i have#which is also not healthy. esp when there’s a ticking bomb waiting to blow it all up as soon as i disappoint them#or they find out the truth about me#so i can feel myself just running the other way towards self isolation bc nothing else is working#and i’m so tired of feeling so out of place around everyone i know#but i also just love them all so so deeply despite that#all i really wanted at this point in my life was a community to belong to and be understood by. and someone to love and be loved by#it just feels like i’ll never get there. and i feel so old#and can’t help but think that it’s me there’s something wrong with me i’m the reason
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#when I start trying to prepare to move—it feels like the coldness of the bare floors creeps up into my blood and chest and heart and throat.#I stare at a single object and wonder if I’ll miss it or not.#I make a pile to donate. a pile to keep. a pile I might donate if I decide I won’t miss it too painfully. a pile I’ll miss but I don’t wsnt#to keep- I want to give away to someone who will love it like I did. a pile to ask my mom if she wants it for sentiment. a pile for#things that are trash but have salvageable components I can remove before throwing away. a pile of salvaged components that haven’t found a#use yet. a pile of things that are trash unless I find a way to fix them. a pile for a single item- a feather from my childhood pet bird#a pile of my old cat’s favorite planet and toy. a pile for gifts I was given that I never used but still treasure as they sit on a shelf.#a pile of fun rocks#a pile of paper clips that started as just office supplies but now they’re 15 years old and they remind me of warm summer childhood day#scraps of string and tiny empty boxes and wires to unknown electronics and acrylic paint that is too dry to donate but I could still use it#because I think it’s fun to do the work to re-pulverize it and turn it into pigmented paste again#a comb missing half its teeth but I can’t remember if it was a gift or not so I keep it just in case#a tiny pillow. is it even mine? it isn’t trash but a thrift store would probably just throw it away. but it isn’t trash so I keep it#a box of assorted nuts and screws and a tiny little jar that I know I’ll find the perfect use for one dayS#a little bag like the kind you get when you buy a bag of polished rocks. inside it are delicately folded soda pop bottle labels from#a birthday long long ago.#a small box of sequins I’ve had as long as I can remember. maybe I’ll make something with them so I can justify keeping them.#old clothes I loved that are too tattered to donate but might fit me again one day or make good fabric for something else#a single old sock but it’s elastic is still good and I should use the elastic for something because I’m always wishing I had some to spare#tickets to a state fair. booklet for a play i saw. graduation photo. a polite birthday card from a childhood nemesis.#it’s so hard to get rid of those things. it feels like throwing away my childhood. and I had a rough childhood! I don’t wanna throw away the#GOOD parts of it. I need those parts. I guess they’ll still be there even without the objects. but…#I can’t remember the Memories without the Objects. they are my memories.#maybe I should just start by filling boxes with Memory Objects. and once I’ve got them all together. I can see if I can part ways with any.#and if I can’t—well#at least they’ll be packed up.#I wish my medicine wasn’t a political debate… oh well. it’s always been hard to get meds. though I’ve never considered moving over it#I wonder if my surgeon will have time to for our consult before. my doctor tried to assure me that my PCOS would justify the surgery but I#I read the bill and it says No Removal Of Healthy Organs Associated With Your Sex Unless You Are In Danger Of Imminent Death#And I’m not dying from PCOS… I’m just like… Chronically ill from the chronic blood loss and overworked pain neurons and sometimes miss
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so i uh, broke my book buying ban because i have zero self control. but tbh i’m not even mad about it lol
i’m already half way through foster and i’m loving it to pieces. and ‘of mice and men’ was a find at goodwill and it’s annotated.
today was really nice. i found a couple cool things at goodwill, i went to barnes and noble and browsed for a while and then after i bought my books i sat in the cafe section and bought myself a iced chai tea and read ‘foster’ (i haven’t had the drink in so long i was worried that if i did i would be overtaken by thoughts of my ex who introduced the drink to me. but i wasn’t. i was able to sit and read and enjoy and for that i am grateful)
anyways look at this cool mug!!
#2023 dayss#january 25 2023#jordyn’s journal#i feel like it’s so weird that i’ll still think of something random during that time period and it’s just so gross feeling#like shouldn’t i be past it#i want to be#i don’t want random shit to remind me of it#i don’t want to tense up when i hear her name spoken#in some ways i think it would improve if i had another relationship but honestly even the thought of that gives me anxiety#but i don’t think that’s how invasive thoughts work lol#a relationship can’t make them go away#even if i did have another relationship i think there will always be flashbacks to remind me of the shitty times#don’t mind the monologue
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me, afraid to develop a benzo addiction so doesn’t take any of my prescribed clonazepam for >1yr : eek!!😨😰no thx!!😓😓
me, 1 year of worsening escapist behavior + 6.5mg klonopin later: now THIS is the shit im talkin bout😎😎🤤🤤
#IM NOT CONDONING DRUG ABUSE PLSSS TAKE UR PRESCRIPTIONS AS PRESCRIBED!!#benzodiazepines are only rlly addictive if the person starts abusing them. not if ur taking them as prescribed#also i can’t just keep doing this on the regular degular ok this was a blip in the simulation#i just had an awful spiraling start to my day at 6am and just wanted to sleep away the pain of realizing i’ll never have my mom again#everything i wanted someone to feel abt me everything i wanted them to say that they love me that they’re proud that they’re going to miss#i was so desperate to be comforted i even left my room and went up to my dad before he left for work and he didn’t even notice the tears#then the waterworks started and my dad finally hugged me against his chest#i felt so small like a child 22 year old me jsut wanted to be comforted by her dad like#like a child all over again#but ik i had to get it together i couldn’t be a child forever so i let go#i went back to my room n i couldn’t qualm the sobbing abandoned child within i couldn’t give her her mom back#all i could do to make this anxiety this pain this desire to see her again right now now now.#all i could do was take my anxiolytic and hope it put me to sleep. just for a little while#i only wanted to sleep for just a little while until the storm passed and i woke up n forgot what it feels like to miss my momma#she wrote her last letter to me and i spiraled at her words#‘i’m really going to miss YOU’ as i tell myself over and over i don’t rlly miss her i’m numb to her absence#‘ our coffee dates. car rides. shopping’ i don’t remember any of those things not clearly at least#’sitting in the couch together holding your hand while running my fingers through all that hair of yours’#that’s all i want . someone to run their fingers through my hair. but she’s not here anymore no one wants to love me like she did#‘you know your self worth like i taught you when you were just an itty bitty little baby’#how would she feel now if she knew my self worth was 0 it’s nothing i’m worthless i’m alive to be used n abused i’m not worth anythin#not worth anything good#i always thought she was my best friend. in her letter she said i was her best friend .i always thought my feelings were one sided. but no#she said she’d look at me and it was like looking into a mirror#now when i look into a mirror i don’t recognize the reflection they’re a stranger to me#was she my mirror too??? and now that she’s gone i don’t know who i am anymore????#if she’s gone i might as well be gone too#these awful thoughts needed to stop i needed to sleep so i took 12x the amt im supposed to#it’s not gonna happen again. but i won’t lie it was nice while it lasted#ramblings
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okay so imagine this right? you and all your friends and family have been locked up and isolated in individual prisons and been told you’ll all be fed to a dragon, and the only other thing in your cell is a chest that has a key in it, but it’s not a key that will unlock or open the bars caging you, no, the bars can only be opened by a mechanism that you can see, it’s right in front of you, but just out of your reach
all that to say, ganondorf is a dick
#legend of zelda#ocarina of time#oot#like it’s one thing to say ‘hahaha i’m going to feed you to my flying fire snake’#it’s a completely different thing to give your prisoner a key that won’t work for them and point out that the unlocking mechanism is just#out of reach. go on you little pebbles try to escape it’s right there all you need to do is press it down but you’ll never reach it will yo#u you can keep trying until the dragon comes for you and swallows you whole but you#can’t reach it and can’t escape on your own. like#that’s probably the Worst. Salt on the wound.#this isn’t a metaphor for anything i’m just replaying oot on my 3ds and i realised that actually fuck ganondorf this is the last straw#rip to ganondorf but if i killed the king and got a divine relic full of power and controlled the kingdom i would improve society somewhat#man doesn’t even improve living conditions for the gerudo the fucking bridge is broken ganondorf stop playing the same ten notes on your#organ and at lest fix the fucking drawbridge five minutes away from your penthouse suite
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Love the idea of Kae even in the present still having such baby brother energy that he can work favors out of people older/sterner than him SO easily.
#//Not even Rosa is immune; even if he does have to give something up in exchange#//The fact that she agreed to do him a solid in the first place is Monumental enough jfbfb#//Id include Diluc in that; but Windblume; Ballads & Brews; Jean’s SQ; AND Kae’s hangout prove otherwise jfbfb#//Mans would never outright refuse Kae a favor lmao#//Bedo is prolly the only one of those fond of Kae who can readily refuse and actually Hold to it#//But the odds he’ll agree are never zero even still; so Kae reckons it never hurts to try (with Klee &/or other Incentives as backup; ofc)#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Jean’s prolly the one he can get the most#//Takes advantage of her big sibling longing to dote on sb and Rolls with it#//Once even got one of the Fatui diplomats by playing up the act & batting his big ol baby (periwinkle) blue eye at him#//Worked much better than he intended. Got a whole slew of intel AND a favorite new drinking buddy out of it#//Loves the guy v much#//Would be Mortified if his antics and persuasions get him more than he bargained for tho#//ESP if they still wanna dote on him AFTER he got what he wanted#//Wouldnt know what to do with all the extra affection/good things it’d get him#//Would prolly blue screen and PANIK#//Works best on older folk/those his age#//Folks like Diona and Amber can see through his shit a MILE away; and he can’t BS past them so easy either#//Those of the Winery are like Diluc lmao. He doesn’t even need to put on a lil act or anything; anything he wants is his#//He feels a whole lot guiltier asking them than pestering Diluc though#//Bc he feels relying on them defeats the purpose of staying away from them in the first place#//Gives both them AND himself too much hope that he can come back and be with them more#//At least with Diluc; Diluc isn’t asking him to come back and stay#//If he did tho; Kae would fucken Implode
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why am i so fucking bad at planning things in advance everything is ruined now
#mine#i thought these grad school apps would be due in late december or early-mid january but nearly all of them are due december FIRST#that’s less than a month away#i have not met with any professors about letters of recommendation and i can’t even think of a third that i would ask anyway#and besides it would be giving them only 3 weeks to write the letters#not to mention me choosing faculty i’d want to work with and writing all the damn applications#i’m so screwed and i already have tons of school shit i have to do NOW anyway#so i either have to focus on applications or class work or half ass everything and fuck everything up#honestly considering taking a year off to work somewhere and get experience instead because#i really don’t know how much longer i can stand this#but then of course i’d have to be looking for jobs too
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