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purplesurveys · 4 years

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[created by: vyvyan86]

If someone's laughing, do you instantly think they're laughing at you? I mean, not automatically? People can be laughing for many reasons. But if they’re laughing near me and if I even catch them looking at me from time to time, then it can definitely make me feel paranoid.

What is the strangest thing you've been asked? I’ve said this before, but a masseuse who came to the house a couple of years ago once looked at me intently and asked if I’ve gotten pregnant before. When I asked my mom about her, she explained that that particular masseuse has a third eye. Of course I didn’t buy it, but it was a fascinating scenario nonetheless and I still liked the fact that out of everyone in the family, she had only ~sensed something with me.

What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? Homelessness.

What was your favorite game as a child? I liked playing Diner Dash, Insaniquarium, and Cake Mania on my dad’s laptop. Our parents didn’t keep a strict eye on us as well and we were allowed access to Grand Theft Auto games at a young age, which ended up being one of my all-time favorite video game series.

What’s the stupidest thing you've ever heard? There’s a lot of crazy fake news that have come out over the last few years; I can’t really tell which one is stupidest, but they all are to some extent.

What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? Make spreadsheets about stuff I will never have to refer to. It’s a great way to be distracted/occupied, so I don’t shy away from starting one whenever I feel the need to.

What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? Mr. Bean. My mom didn’t like the character’s antics and she especially hated how he technically doesn’t talk, since she felt like it would have an effect on how we learned language (we mainly learned English from the TV) and the way we speak.

What is your personal catchphrase? I say, “Awesome!” when I’m pleased with something, which is a habit I picked up from Gabie. I also tend to say “For real?” whenever I’m surprised.

What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? I like being given lazy scratches on my wrist or leg. It’s also nice when someone plays with my hair, but it depends on who’s doing it; sometimes I’ll find it too invasive.

What was your 'Oops, wrong person' moment? This doesn’t happen a lot to me, fortunately. For the most part, it’s only been instances from childhood when I mistakenly held on to a stranger’s hand instead of either of my parents’.

What do you find attractive that isn't considered 'normal' attraction? I’m not particularly attracted to muscles or fit bodies in general; a little bit of flab or what the internet calls ~dad bod~ has always been more than alright with me.

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? Nearly fall asleep in a swimming pool, or go on a loud rant about someone while that someone was still within earshot.

What's your proudest moment in the bathroom? I have no idea what this means, and I don’t want to ask.

What’s something you own that gets you lots of compliments? Some clothes/shoes I have. Also, my car back when I placed reindeer antlers and a red nose on it a few Christmases ago haha.

If money was no object, where would you want to live? If that was the case, I’d be in New York City right now.

Who is your favorite mythological character? I never took a liking to mythology and the creatures associated with it.

What's something that's happened which couldn't happen at a worse time? My breakup. We were also recently informed that my mom has been retrenched sooooooo life isn’t particularly dandy at the moment. I’ve stopped complaining about my heavy daily workload and have instead felt grateful for it, because at least it keeps me occupied enough and not think about the stuff happening at home.

What is the best pickup line you've ever heard? I don’t like pickup lines.

What did aging ruin for you? My back and my eyesight.

What is the most hilarious thing you’ve ever heard? Ugh, questions like these are impossible to answer. Off the top of my head, I’ll go with this video.

What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? Crime scene photos, beheading videos, and corpses. There have also been other stuff but they’d be too triggering if I tried to describe what they are.

What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? I can’t have milkshakes unless I’m fine with the stomachaches I will inevitably get after.

What Wikipedia article have you recently read? So I watched Royal Rumble yesterday (I haven’t kept up with wrestling in years, but I always come back for the big pay-per-views) and there’s this female wrestlerI think I’ll soon develop a full-blown crush on. I wanted to look her up and I learned that she’s Rhea Ripley, so I briefly read up on her life and career.

What's a book you were made to read in school that you really liked? Without Seeing the Dawn will always be my favorite. Taking it up in English class was never a chore for me. Number the Stars was a great read too, as was Dekada ‘70.

What objective did you fail to complete this week? I haven’t worked out at all this week, which I should’ve been able to do twice already according to the workout plan I’m currently subscribed to. But it’s fine, I’ll just try to catch up.

What could have gotten worse for you but it didn't? Work. I kept making a million mistakes during my first two months and thought I’d never get the hang of it, and I was just waiting to get fired immediately lol. But everything’s going smoothly now - I’m not as lost as I used to be, and I’ve even taken to tutoring some of the newer hires.

What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? I’d have appreciated it if we had been taught or at least briefed on how to obtain crucial government IDs and documents. I didn’t exactly enjoy walking through everything by myself and being expected to know what to do.

What is the best thing about having a Significant Other? Oh my god, everything. I loved and treasured being in a relationship. I appreciated even the arguments because it made me get better at communicating, know how and when to apologize, and how to be more in tune with another person’s feelings. But my favorite part about it would probably be having a person to share everything about yourself and your life to. I’ve learned to be okay being by myself, but I feel the loneliness the hardest when I’m going through a rough patch and remembering that I no longer having someone to turn to.

What makes you unusually uncomfortable? Injections, blood tests, anaesthesia, anything that’s meant to prick my skin.

What is an upcoming purchase you're excited about? I don’t plan on making any purchases soon. Maybe a couple boxes of macarons with 25 pieces each for my birthday to treat myself?? but that’s the only one I’ve been planning.

What is the worst game you've ever played? When I was still taking PE, I dreaded it every time we had to play basketball or water polo.

What’s the oddest thing you like to do? I really like doing tedious tasks, like inputting things into a spreadsheet or writing out lists. I think I’d be a great secretary. < Yeah same. Literally what I said earlier about the spreadsheets.

What's the funniest news story you've seen in the past few weeks? Some fixers at the LTO who approached the mayor of a nearby city to convince him that they can fast-track whatever business he’s in for there, not knowing he’s the fucking mayor. What a mess lmfao.

What do you really really want right now? For things to go back to normal. My parents are very secretive about finances - probably because they don’t want us to worry - but I hate not knowing if I could even turn on the fan or any of our lights anymore. I also hate that I feel guilty whenever I buy things for myself knowing that both my parents are in sticky situations.

What do you hide from people? Things going on in my personal life. I will refer to my problems in social media posts occasionally, but would never provide enough context for people to know more about my life than I’m comfortable with.

What was the first sign you knew you had a crush on someone? I got increasingly nervous around them and I just wanted to be with them all day and listen to their stories and buy them food and stuff. Also, I knew when I started crying over them. Hahahaha man this just made me feel so nostalgic. I miss that feeling of first falling in love with someone.

What's the best lemonade you've made from the lemons life gave you? The self-love, self-acceptance, and self-validation I gained after my breakup felt and continues to feel wonderful. I never realized how much of myself I sacrificed and gave away. I will never do that again and will always make sure to leave more than enough room for myself in the future.

Who was your cartoon crush while growing up? Sam from Totally Spies and Shego from Kim Possible.

What's the best way to deal with religious door knockers? We don’t have those here. But I imagine just telling them “No thanks” and closing my door.

What’s the most hypocritical thing you’ve ever seen or heard? My mom is a big hypocrite in general; she exhibits some behaviors that she would typically chew me out for. But she would never admit to that; that, or she wouldl use mental gymnastics to convince me that the way I’m doing the thing is wrong and that her version is the acceptable one.

Who’s the most interesting person you’ve ever met? Probably one of the artists at Pinto Museum. Every time I’ve gone there, he’s always standing at the first gallery - he looks like your typical visitor, but I’ve come to realize he actually scans the museum looking for people who are genuinely into the artworks and not just there to shoot photos. I know, because he has always ended up approaching me and whoever I’m with at the time so that he can explain every single painting. He’s done the same thing with me - I think he keeps forgetting me, but it’s fine - 2-3 times, with the same spiels and same interesting explanations and anecdotes. In the end he always reveals that he painted a number of the works in the museum and for his sake I will always try to act surprised, haha. Anyway, he’s brilliant and very talented, and always has great stories to tell.

What just doesn't impress you? Certain movies that are meant to be hailed as one of the greats.

What’s the worst possible way to introduce yourself? By being an ass from the get-go, I suppose.

What makes you wish that you were born in the past or the future? I hate missing out on things when I’m already around, which is why I often wish I could live long enough to see what advancs and developments we could be capable of reaching in the future. Would we find a cure for cancer? Will I get to see my country get richer and more developed like it has always deserved to? Will travel to outer space be a thing? It’s stuff like that I’d love to see happen and the idea of potentially missing out on them because maybe they’re not meant to happen in my lifetime kinda bums me out.

What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? I started loving the shit out of myself from my breakup. I thought I was already comfortable with who I was and where I was in life, but I soon learned that I could be doing so much more for myself, self-esteem-wise.

What's something people are proud of, but it doesn't impress you? Wealth, usually, especially if it’s generational. < True. Also, fucking watches? I’ll never understand the need for watches that cost a million pesos when I could easily stomp on them lmao.

What's the worst possible moment to go and play on a bouncy castle? Doing it with an upset stomach.

Who is the greatest ever comedian? I don’t know about greatest. I certainly don’t watch enough comedians to make such a choice.

What’s your irrational fear? Sometimes I’ll get an irrational urge to do something stupid and/or dangerous. For instance I was in Tagaytay last weekend, on the 20th floor of a condo and to my surprise, the windows could be opened and they didn’t have any bars either. As I opened a window I thought about jumping and it freaked me out, so much so I immediately closed it and never went back to it. I believe there’s a word for this phenomenon in a foreign language; I just can’t remember what it is now.

What's your oldest memory? Waking up inside a Winnie the Pooh tent with my sister when I was 3, she 1. My parents let us go ‘camping,’ even though the tent was simply set up on the floor of our bedroom.

What can you not wake up without? Greeting my dogs.

What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Side bangs.

What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? “I would ask you to consider your response in light of the respect that my rank and office deserve, not that which my age and gender might suggest.” from The Crown. Holy shit that line was so good. I’ll need to rewatch this showagain.

What's something people love to hate? Mainstream culture. < Very true.

What’s something that is underrated but extremely useful? Car adaptors have saved my ass so many times while driving long distances and needing to constantly use data to have access to Waze.

#survey #surveys #rly great questions too

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countdowntocake · 7 years

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50 Personal Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes! Tagged by @leorysxi Tagging No One! 1. What kind of food can’t you stand? Anything that's really cheap or really processed (basically most candy and junk food, except for some quality chocolate). Also coconut. Fuck coconut. 2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? As of right now, having to remember princess lessons in MidCin and IkeSen. If I could just store infinite stamina (or at least like 10 hours) I'd be such a happy camper. 3. Have you got any useless talents? Idk if it counts as a talent but I can do multiplication, addition, and subtraction from left-to-right. 4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be? Remembering things. 5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking. There are plenty, but off the top of my head Andy Biersack for guys (I don't even listen to BVB but I do listen to his solo album lol) and Zendaya or Sofia Vergara for ladies.  6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? Daydreaming or playing video games (I got my first hand-me-down DS when I was 7). 7. What is something you’re proud of? I'm plenty cocky about a lot of things, but if I had to pick it would be that I was selected out of like 700 kids in my middle school to represent them in a young leadership conference during my first year there.  8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? Vapidness in general.   9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a leader (see number 7)! One of my young childhood memories was when I was at the beach on vacation when I was maybe 6, and I was trying to direct a bunch of other little kids on how to build a proper sandcastle (I'm now currently discovering my interest in the field of architecture, funnily enough).  10. What kind of student are/were you? Extremely curious, tends to monopolize the teacher, teachers pet, has never dipped below a 3.7 GPA.  11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? I have absolutely no clue tbh.  12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion. The inevitability of my own death. 13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? Yes, and the first that comes to mind is Edea Lee from the Bravely Default series. She's the daughter of the Grand Marshal (king) of her kingdom, and was raised to follow in her father's footsteps. Though her somewhat biased education had led her to see the world in a very black/white way, her world view is forced to change as she journeys out into the world and joins the other heroes of the story. She wants to make her father and teachers proud, but does not hesitate to disobey them and her state when she sees the consequences of their actions. She's proud, headstrong, and kind (plus she loves food lmao I love Edea and I could talk about her for hours and I'm literally going to name my firstborn daughter after her and no one can stop me).   14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? I don't really go to parties unless they're small gatherings with friends or family, and the idea of drinking in public terrifies me so idk I'll figure it out eventually.  15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? It will definitely take awhile. I can get crushes, sure, but if and when I start looking for someone to spend/dedicate my whole life to, I plan to find the right one the first time.  16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? This is going to sound shallow but 100 casual friends. No matter how perfect we are as friends, only spending time with one person wears thin after awhile.  17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? Neat-freak, but not extremely so. I just like me some good organization!  18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy. When I think of cozy, one old southern home in my dad's family comes to mind. In the middle of a town as rural as can be, it's a large, charming white cottage surrounded by massive oak trees. The only sounds that reach it are the occasional train the crosses the edge of the property. Whether I'd be out on the porch swing overlooking the yard, the sunroom in the back with an old couch along an entire wall with a massive window, or even perched in one of the massive oaks on the property, I'd stay there forever and nap.  19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? Like I said, I'm totally naming my first daughter Edea. 20. What was your favorite book as a child? When I was in second grade, I used to get in massive trouble for reading the Young Nancy Drew series in math class. I also love the Harry Potter series, and found a book called The School for Good and Evil on the first day of 6th grade and have loved the series since.  21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about Snapchat, Jake Paul, fidget spinners... I could go on.  22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated. Marina and the Diamonds! I hear everyone talking about Halsey or Lana Del Ray, but no one ever talks about Marina and her awesome music! ;-;  23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? I have no clue, but someone I could get comfortable with at least (not a guy, I'm way too shy!).  24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? I'm just going to be generic and say travel the world.  25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? If it's something I feel confident in my knowledge/ability to debate about, then I'll never hold back. 26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? I'm not one for fads usually, so I don't really have an answer. 27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? Idk, I was a pretty cool kid. I usually knew when something was too dumb for me. 28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? A quick wit. 29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) I usually make a wish-list, but I've always gotten plenty of video games, and in recent years I've been receiving jewelry as a gift more often (mostly from my mom because we watch JTV together sometimes and she knows my taste lmao)  30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? I only know English fluently, but I'm learning Spanish in school, slowly but surely.  31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? The countryside definitely has its draws (see number 18), but I've also lived in a city all my life and the convenience of everything is really nice...  32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? I never would have thought it as a kid, but I actually love reading nonfiction. You don't have to struggle to find something with a good story that's suited to your tastes, and you get to LEARN stuff.  33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? I guess it depends on what type of spotlight. If it's just drama/popularity, then no thanks, but I definitely want appreciation for what I do and what I've a accomplished so far. 34. Favorite holiday? Easter for pastels and nostalgia, Mardi Gras for fun and family, and Christmas for gifts and candy.  35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? PLANNING. Because STRATEGY. IS. ALWAYS. (srsly tho don't try to get me into a plan that hasn't been thought out yet because I will ask a million questions and start planning everything for you)  36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) Most things wouldn't be the same now since I did them as a child, but honestly if I could replay Breath of the Wild with a blank slate I totally would. I tried to take it slow but still ended up rushing the story ;-;  37. What hobbies do you have? Still video games and daydreaming :p but now with the lovely additions of fanfiction and YouTube!  38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? Teleporting? You can't kill a man with it, but it's still pretty useful.  39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you? (Depending on how you met me) I'm super polite and apparently "talk fancy", or that I swear like a sailor in the most deadpan way.  40. Something that took you way too long to figure out? I can't remember anything off the top of my head...  41. Worst injury you’ve had? I've never broken a bone, but once when I was like four I got this HORRIBLE carpet burn on my chin from watching cartoons on my stomach at a friend's house.  42. Any morbid fascinations? Not really. 43. Describe your sense of humor. Dry, often dark, and is typically enhanced by timing and delivery (deadpan, usually).  44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? I'm honestly pretty happy where I am. The past sucks in terms of conveniences and sanitation, and where I came from plays a huge part in who I am.  45. Something you are irredeemably bad at? Probably dancing.  46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through? When I was younger, my mom would ALWAYS correct me if I forgot to say ma'am or sir, but I'm so glad she stuck with it because now it's ingrained in my brain and helps me to be acknowledged/liked by my teachers and other adults.  47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) Face tattoo! It doesn't have to be that big, right? Theoretically it could just look like the perfect makeup permanently on my face (and lord knows I'm too lazy for makeup). But realistically, I'm never getting a tattoo. 48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? Realist? I like to operate under "prepare for the worst and hope for the best". I'm confident in my ability to get myself where I want to be, but I know I'll have to work for it. 49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? Probably something about my mind or abilities. I love being complimented on my looks of course (the other day when I was getting my hair done for school a stranger told me I have beautiful hair and I'm still happy about it), but whenever someone in MidCin compliments me as a princess I almost always screenshot it.  50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you? (In real life) I'm not a total stuck-up bitch. Yes I'm confident in myself and yes I came from a relatively well-off background, but I like to think that I'm nicer than I first appear.

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mario8th · 7 years

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Hey guys it’s been a while. Just kinda wanted to get this off my chest. Been thinking about it for the past few weeks.

While I'm still in a bit of a high after school starting, the last half of summer I've been more depressed than ever before. And while it's only week two this high is quickly wearing off as well. Probably started wearing off at about day 3 even.

Every day when I have time to think to myself I immediately go to everything that I despise about myself. I think about how terrible of a person I am. How it's impossible for anybody to actually like or care about me. I think how I'm awkward, how I can't talk to people, how I can't meet people, and how I'm deathly afraid of reversing these things. How I'll never amount to anything, how I'll never make friends, how I'll never get a significant other, how I'll my life is a waste.

A big utter waste.

And I think about these things on a daily, if not hourly basis. Especially over summer, I was falling asleep hours after going to bed due to these thoughts constantly barraging my mind.

I've had these thoughts since my freshman year of high school, and now as a college senior they've only gotten worse. I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. I tell myself that even people I consider friends would discard me in seconds.

It might be worse this year due to actually having been invited out to things over summer.

But the amount of times I was invited to something I could count on one hand. The amount of times I wasn't ghosted even less than that. And even in those times I did go out while enjoying the moment I'd leave hating myself even more.

Two times I've been invited out it was to "go to the club" and that unearthed a part of me that I'm very ashamed to still have. I'm not a drinker, and I don't typically like newer music, and so physically being dragged onto the dance floor was new for me. I could be chatting away having a grand 'ol time at the booth, but when I left I became a different person. I became high school freshman me.

High school Freshman me was the worst persona I've ever met. He was afraid to talk to anybody, afraid to do anything out of his comfort zone, didn't know how to act around anybody or anything, and wanted to slink into the corner and play a game in every situation ever.

And in the past 7 years I have tried my hardest to grow away from that person, but this situation firmly planted me back there. I couldn't move. I couldn't dance to the beat. I couldn't even sway to it. I couldn't look at other people, I couldn't do anything. And I don't know why. It was as if every cylinder in my brain was telling me what I'm doing is wrong and I need to leave. I even considered sneaking off multiple times. Many multiple times, because I just could not physically to it.

Since then I've been thinking about those times a lot, and I can barely come up with reasons why I can't do it. Being in these types of situations is one of my biggest fears. I'll keep subjecting myself to it because it's important to grow as a person, but it is so so so hard for me to do it.

The other two times I went out was more of a small get together form and I walked out feeling just as useless after those as well. Both times I was surrounded by a bunch of people, and while I was having a good time interacting with them, I felt that taking my out of the situation would probably not affect the dynamics at all. It'd probably make the event more pleasant.

I felt absolutely useless. That nobody actually wanted me there. That I was a needless addition that could be removed with zero harm. Which was only made worse the second time when we started a rousing game of "Never Have I Ever" (A card game with lists of naughty things to have done, first to have done 10 of those things wins).

While others in the room were getting to totals in the 20's and 30's, I was sitting at an even 0 the entire night. There were so many activities on those cards I wish had been in my life, but I'm just so pathetic I'd literally done none of them. At a certain point I questioned why I was still playing since the result was always a guaranteed "no" whenever a thing was chosen.

Most of the cards had some sort of sexual activity to them, which I immedietaly said no too because I've never been laid. Heck, I've never even kissed a girl, never even held hands, have barely talked to girls. And I don't think I ever will.

Both these types of events made me think a lot about myself, my life, and how much I hate both of them. I've done nothing fun. I sit around playing games all day because nobody wants to be around me. And because that's all I've been doing all my entire life I Don't Know how to talk to people, just worsening the problem.

Some good things happened in the last few weeks. Started school. Is going well so far. I picked up a second lab section, so I can work less at my bad job. I transferred out of my old department to one I hate a bit less. I bought Nier: Automata for $20 off and played through it. Still reeling over that 3rd playthrough. Almost 100% completed Zelda BotW on Master Quest. Didn't have time to finish it off. Great game. Lost the 1st Splatfest, but won the second. That was pretty fun. Watched The Defenders on Netflix. An overall pretty good show. Lotta flaws but enjoyable nonetheless.

tl/dr I hate myself and the only good parts of my summer were perpetuating the reasons why I do.

#don't read this

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viralhottopics · 8 years

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Guys: 15 Things That Will Never Ever Help You Get Laid

When it comes to sex, peoples’ thoughts, feelings, values, outlooks, and overall sexuality are ever-changing, always different, and hump to the beat of their own drum. Every individual views sex in his or her own way, whether it be no big deal, the biggest deal, or somewhere in-between. All that said, I believe there is common ground amongst even the most casual of the casual and most serious of the serious when it comes to surefire behaviors that will absolutely not get a dude laid. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am.

1. Being assumptive. Oh, so, like – you just it was going there? You thought it was?Well, you know what they say about assuming: It makes an “ass” out of you, but definitely not out of me.

2. Asking my “number” two dates in. First of all, WHAT? And secondly, who even asks that unless you’re most definitely in an established relationship?! Who wants to know an almost complete stranger’s tallies right off the bat? I’m not sure what that says about a guy, but I don’t think it says anything good; therefore, no entry.

3. Premature sexting. This is something I’ll never understand. It’s one thing if we’ve been on a few dates and things have gotten hot and heavy. It’s a complete other thing if we a) haven’t even yet or b) have been on a grand total of one date. I’m not sure how guys grasp what a completely transparent giveaway this is that you want sex and only sex and you want it NOW. Never trust a premature sexter, ladies.

4. Wondering, out loud, why I won’t have sex with you. One time, on a second date, while in the midst of touching and feeling, the guy wouldn’t let up on how badly he wanted to put it in me. “Sorry,” I unnecessarily said. “I just don’t have sex that quickly. It’s a bigger deal to me.” Defeated, he laid down beside me asking, “Have you ever thought of being that way?” Have you ever thought of fucking your own self, sir?

5. Blatantly disregarding the fact that I’m a woman. Meaning, gawking openly at other women when we’re on one of our first dates, or loudly exclaiming “Holy shit!” or “Oh my good God” about every single female celebrity on screen when we’re watching the Emmys together. I don’t give a rip how insecure and catty that sounds, it’s the fucking truth and you all know it.

6. Sending an unsolicited dick pic. Unless I explicitlyyou for a picture of your penis, please NEVER EVER just send one to me at random.Whether we’re hardcore sexting or innocently flirting via text, unless a proper request for an erotic, smartphone photograph of your genitalia is invited by me to my phone, DON’T. I will see it, I will hate it, and I will decide right then and there that it is never going to make nice with my vagina.

7. Don’t project about what “will” be. I have a friend who, in college,was in the midst of making out with a brand new prospect, when he paused to whisper in her ear: “Our sex is going to be so incredible.” Whose?? Oh! I had no idea we were going to be having sex anytime soon. Thanks for bringing me up to date!

8. Making tasteless jokes too early on. Coming up behind me when I’m bent over and pretending to thrust, or picking up a pack of Magnum condoms in Walgreens while giving me a knowing look – these things are only cute once your P has “been there, done that” with my V. If we have yet to cross that line,these actions could be misconstrued for having one thing and one thing only on your mind.

9. Not being down with going down. ALERT ALERT ALERT! SIRENS! AIR HORNS! 100 RED FLAGS! This entire situation could (and probably will be) its own separate article, but if a guy just does not, will not, and has never even attempted to go downtown, he can rest assured that we are done here.

10. Disgusting hygiene. Superficial, I know. But I’m throwing it in. Overgrown toenails that are yellowing, fingernails that are longer than mine with collected dirt underneath, heavy smokers’ breath, the obvious and awful absence of soap and/or cologne – all of these monstrosities are a one-way ticket to No Bangsville, USA. Maybe Sally-Pukes-A-Lot over there in the corner of the bar, with her thong halfway out of her skirt will feel differently, but not me.

11. Saying you respect that I want to take it slow, but not meaning it at all. Look. I love sex. It’s the best. I have it. But I have it when I’m ready. The older I’ve become, the more upfront I am with dudes about the fact that fast and casual sex is not my thing. If it’s his, great! I’m just not the gal for you. The worst possible way a dude can repay my honesty is by claiming how much he respects me, totally agrees, and that, he too, takes sex more seriously.Then, following all that up with heavy sexting, proclamations of just how bad he wants me though, and trying multiple times to play “just the tip.” No one’s saying you have to stick around if you’re not down with not sticking it in me. Get

12. Dirty talking early-on in the game. There’s something about dirty talking; that is, it’s super fun but, in the wrong place at the wrong time, it can just be so… dirty. If you’re throwing around the lowest of the low terms (e.g. c**k or p***y) before we’ve even made it to the bedroom, alarms will sound. One alarm will be like “Hot,” but the other alarm will be like, “His intensity makes me uneasy as fuck.”

13. Asking if we’re going to have sex. You’d think I was making it up, but I’m not. Have you ever had a guy just straight up inquire this? “But, like, we’re have sex eventually… Right?” I’m not sure when having sex on the first or second date turned into the worry of having sex, but okay.

14. Trying to convince me. I.e. Promising it’ll be. I’m sure it will be! We clearly have insane chemistry, and if I didn’t grow so attached after having sex with someone, I’d be all over it (“it” being your penis). Again, it’s not that I don’t absolutely love bumping uglies – it’s that I know who I am and what sex means to me, and I’m trying to pay respect to that. SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE SEX HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN (right away, that is).

15. Placing my hand on your boner, in public, to show me how much I “excite” you. Personally, this has never happened to me. But it happened to my mom once in her youth, and I just thought it needed to be included here because NO.

featured image The 40-Year-Old Virgin