#wtf am i supposed to do if im driving by myself and it happens?? and they dont seem to understand that THAT is a real fear

[rubiesintherough]

.

[missjackil]

My 15x18 Opinion

`*WARNING: This review is by far more critical of the show, writers, and actors than I have been before. Enter at your own risk*

Despair

Well the name definitely fits! Where do I begin? 

Okay not gonna lie, Im LIVID!! Thsi episode felt like a punch in the gut! I have said many times that the show ending, to me, will feel like someone Ive loved with all my heart for years is dying. Well in a matter of one episode, that changed to it feeling like someone Ive loved with all  my heart for years, is dumping me via text message, telling me he’s banging my sister! It still hurts, it crushes my very soul but for the wrong reasons.

Im gonna hit the big smelly elephant in the room first and ask WTF were they thinking??  Its not bad enough that Cas tells Dean he loves him, which thankfully Dean didnt return (he’s still straight guys!) but it was maybe the worst speech Ive heard on the show! Nothing he said would make anyone happy, so that was bullshit. “You’re the most selfess loving person Ive ever known” Oh yeah Cas? Did you forget Sam? It appears you did. And this is NOT me dumping on Dean at all, Im just gonna state facts. Who has been the most kind, forgiving, loving person TO Cas? Even after Mary died and Dean was blaming Cas (”You’re dead to me!”) Sam was there to say “It wasn’t just Cas” and kept texting him to make sure he was okay. And honestly is Dean MORE selfless than Sam? I dont think so. Sure Dean gave up his childhood for Sam, I’ll give him that, but Sam gave up his adulthood for Dean, and they both gave up life for each other, and the world so, fuck that noise right in the face!

Now lets just rub some rocksalt in that wound and refrain from even giving Sam a meaningful scene with Cas even if he wasnt going to be there when he got Emptied. Jack got one, not Sam though. Thats bullshit!

Also fuck this Sam and Eilleen shit. Im not even confident she’s “gone” because she got sucked away with the others and we know Bobby at least still has another scene, and according to IMDB so does Donna and Charlie. So they may alll just come back. and even if we dont SEE Eileen maybe we just get super happy Sam now that his girlfriend is alive and whats that? Next week they find a DOG???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? Wait, thats not all, remember Cas still has some shit with Uriel to do, so dont even count his feathered ass gone yet either! 

The bloody handprint on Dean’s jacket....😣🤢🤮

The story itself this episode was realy bad too, too much back and forth, “is he dead or alive? Is she dying or not? Are we gonna open the God book or what? Did these peope die or just “go away” like Becky? Maybe this will all be answered before we’re done but still it was annoying and messy.

Were there any good parts you ask? Yes, I did like the bro hug. Not WHY we got a bro hug but it was nice and Sam gave a heart felt “be careful” to Dean and I liked Dean’s reasuring touch. I also like that Dean apologized to Sam for last week and as Sam was being all “Dean... you dont need to...” Dean reminded him “I pulled a gun on you” and Sam was looking like “Oh yeah.... theres that” letting us know Sam still felt it. That’s all, the rest sucked balls in the worst way.

The Walker promo airing during this felt weird, like Jared is cheating on SPN... or banging my sister... oh yeah, there’s that analogy again!

Let me say this y’all and then you can agree, disagree, block me, unfollow me, send me Asks or messages if you want, I wont bite, but if this show ends bad I think I’ll be most pissed at Jared, That’s right I said it. Why? Because J2 have been very open and vocal that Jared liked the ending right away but Jensen didnt. If Jared also had problems with the ending, they could have said “nope” and yes, they could have, they’re not simply puppets on a string that have to do whatever TPTB tell them to. They’re the most important part of the entire franchize, no one benefits by pissing them off. So Jensen didnt like the ending and went to Kripke to see what he thought and Kripke said he couldn’t have written a better one, but lets remember that Kripke left with Dean with a girl and a kid, and Sam alone. Are we getting Sam with a girl and a dog, and Dean alone? 

Im supposed to go to convention in July... I dont think I can bring myself to go if the end sucks. I want to be able to tell J2 I miss them, I dont want to be pissed they allowed a shitty ending to happen. 

For the first time I am no longer convinced they’ll have the guys go out together. Either by death or driving off into the sunset. I don’t know what to do with that and Im not Okay.

So on a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, I give Despair a 2. Im a little horrified I have to watch it again when my friend comes over to get caught up. 

[hunchoskeazo]

Chapter 3 “The Breakdown”

“So its been a few days that ive been in this hospital and aint heard from nobody wtf is up.?” As i sat there and thought because what else am I suppose to do.

*Picked up the phone and called Rik*

*Ring*

*Ring*

*Ring*

*No Answer*

( Called Ashley)

*Ring*

*Ring*

Ashley:Hello

AJ:Ashley!

Ashley:Hey Boo How you doing I been up there but you was sleep so i was gonna comeback today.

AJ:Oh... You been up here to see me?

Ashley:Why wouldn’t I? She asked so confusingly.

AJ:Oh... Nah i just aint know you came up here....They say I can get discharged tomorrow you gonna come get me..? I asked

Wait.. where is my car hold on..

(I checked my app)

“Yes i have a tracking device on the whip A nigga like me gots to.”

AJ:Oh its outside in the parking garage... Who drove it here.? You did.? I said with concern 🤔

Ashley:Uhhh no rik drove it up there...

Aj:Oh ok... (How she know that I thought to myself but didnt say nothing).“Well ight wyd rn”

Ashley:Nothing Missing you she said. She gave me the cutest look when she said that.

AJ:Dont be saying it like that girl i said with a smirk on my face.

Ashley:Ha Whyy? And Do you still need me to come get you?

AJ:Oh yeah actually leave your car imma send you a uber come here and we’ll drive my car.

Ashley:Oouu yes Ok ill be there in the morning.

AJ:Ight Bet

(Phone Hangs Up at the same time the doctor walks in and some man in a suit.)

I grimmed him “Who tf is you?” i said with a aggressive tone.

Detective:Hello Mr.Davis My name is Detective Johnson(He put his hand out for me to shake it)

(I just looked at him and his hand.)

Detective Johnson:Oookkkk then anyway. Im here for your case to try and figure out and find the person that did this to you.

“Nah Im good bro bro”

Detective John: Whether you good or not Im still on the case and im here til its closed. So either you gonna let me help you because as of right now your an innocent victim. Or you can become a prime suspect Your choice.!

“Man whatever” I said with a attitude like a bad bitch😂😂😂

DetectiveJ:Oh ok thats what i thought now can you tell me what happened.(He pulls out his pad and pen.)

“I went to visit my mans and someone started shooting next thing i know i woke up here”

Detective:(Writing on the pad) Ok who is your mans? He asked

(Dead Silence)

Detective:You gonna answer the question Mr.Davis?..

(Dead Silence)

Detective:Ok We’re done for the day Thanks Doc we’ll be in touch and i will be seeing you very soon mr davis. (He hit the back of his pen on the pad and put them both in his pocket. Right before he walked out the door He said...)

Stay Safe Mr.Davis (He side eyed me with a smirk and walked out)

Doc:Why was you not cooperating with the detective?

“I dont move like that doc” i said with a nonchalant tone.

Doc:But he’s here to protect you and help you.

“I dont need help or protection this some street shit i gotta handle that the feds cant handle the only thing they get out of it is a ceremony and funeral that they family and coworkers gotta plan for them so no i dont need they help.”

Doc: Smh just dont learn... You know what can i tell you something? She asked

“Yea go ahead” as i stared out the window.

Doc:I get alot of patients just like you in here from gang violence and me being a young black doctor its hard. Seeing young black kings lose their lives in my hands because of the streets it breaks my heart everytime.

(Guilt knocked down that brick wall of pride i had built up just moments ago.)

Im going to just say this one thing before i leave out this door just please cooperate please, because i see something in you and obviously you are on gods green earth for a reason. So please cooperate but get some rest before you leave tomorrow i will come check on you 1 last time before i let you go ok.

“I looked at her and shook my head and said “Ight I gotchu doc”

Doc:Ok Bye Mr.Davis she said so innocently and walked out the door.

(I laid back moments later the nurse walks in and looks at me with a grumpy look)

“Aye you the one that forcefully put me to sleep man you betta not be coming in here to that shit again and you in here by yourself aww hell nah this old lady about to rape me I cried out.”

Nurse:Boy shut yo ass up i dont want you im married.

“SO” i yelled out🤔

Nurse:I am about to put you to sleep tho(She hurried and grabbed the IV and injected the sleep juice in it.

“Wait wait let me—-

(Right before i fell asleep i heard the door open)

——:Pay close attention to the people around you adrian....

(It got dark)..

“I popped up it’s the next morning Dr.taylor and the nurse are already in the room.

Doc:Hello Mr Davis are you ready to go home? She said with a big smile on her face.

“Yea I am actually”(Picked up my phone and texted ashley and sent her money for the uber)

Ashley:Ok imma be on my way in 15 mins.

Doc:Ok let me finish up your paperwork and you can get dressed and leave.

“Ok” I said

As she finished my work i thought to myself was I dreaming or did someone actually come in here and say that to me.... “Fuck It” i said out loud.

Doc:Whats that..?

“Oh oh nothing” I looked at my calls Rik called me but its not a missed call...

Wtf maybe i answered but was still sleep. I hate when people call me while im sleep man.

(I called back no answer)

Ashley:Im omw babe.

I texted back “Ok im about to get dressed im just waiting on them to get done with my paperwork.

Ashley:Ok im omw.

Doc:Ok heres your discharge papers and your prescriptions that you pick up later on today ok...

(She hands me the papers)

Doc:Ok im going to let you get dressed ill be out here when you leave.

“Ight thanks doc i really appreciate you and everything you do.”

(She blushed and clutched her clipboard said thank you and walked out the room.)

“YOU LEAVE TO LADY” i said jokingly loud

(The nurse giggled walked out and shut the door i hopped up and locked it to make sure she fasho couldn’t comeback in and went to the bathroom.)

*15 mins later*

I walked out the bathroom from a hot shower someone knocked on the door.

“COME IN” i yelled

(They jiggled the knob)

Lmao “Oh yeah I forgot i locked the door”

(I unlocked and opened its ashley she walked in smiling and smelling good than a mothafucka with a couple bags in her hand.)

“Ooouueeee who told you to come up here like that red bottoms on, hair laid, lashes on eyebrows done, cleavage out wassup.”

She said “Boy stop it” as she was blushing hard. “Look I got you some stuff to put on everything i just bought yesterday.

(Breds ,Purple brand all black Jeans and a red/black vlone shirt)

“Ight bet”

(Before i was just about to reach for the stuff)

“UNHT UNHT you not gonna give me a hug first damn can i at least get a thank you..!!

I smirked “You right you right im sorry babygirl”

I hugged her and wrapped my arms around her and grabbed her ass she hugged me so tight and she smelled so good I wanted to eat her. She kissed me on my neck i sat down on the bed and pulled her close to me by her hips we started kissing.

She tongue’n the kid down i started to get hard through my towel she felt that and grabbed me and slowly started kissing me from my neck down my chest to my 6 pack...😏

*Knock Knock Knock*

She jumped up i jumped up “UH YEAH COME IN” i yelled

Doc: Its me i have one more thing to give you so stop by the desk before you leave ok.

“Ight i gotchu doc”

(Door shuts i gasped and we looked at eachother and laughed)

“Yea let me hurry up n get dressed” and looked down at mini me and said.

“Control yo self man”

She sat down and crossed her legs, bit her lip and fucked me with her eyes. I grabbed my stuff and went in the bathroom and got dressed.

(Moments later) “Ight im ready”

We grabbed all of our stuff and walked out.

“Im about to stop at this desk realquick”

“Ok” she said and walked ahead”

“Ok whats the deal doc” i asked

“Here (She gave me a card) look on the back”

It was a sticky note with a number and a name on it. I looked down the hall at ashley she was looking the other way. I looked back at doc.

“Call me whenever you need something...Anything..”

I hesitated at first then said “Ok i gotchu” and walked away.

(Caught up with ashley)

“Whats that in your hand?”

“Oh its a card she said to call them if i have any questions about anything....”

(I hurried and put the card in my pocket.)

“Unht unht give it here let me see the bitch probably put her number on the back”

“Man what” i started laughing

“Give it here” she yelled

I pulled the card out my pocket she look at both sides.

“Mmhm sneaky ass” she said in slight disappointment. “Let me find out you fuckn her.”

“Come on na babygirl” i smirked and we walked to the car..

After a long day of shopping eating and talking shit we go back to her crib.

“Omg im so tired and my feet hurt” she cried out

I laughed and said “I bet they do”

“Boy shut the fuck up you always talking shit” she said so agitated.

“I walked over to her and said say it to my face”

“Boy fuck you”

(I picked her up and carried her to the room)

“Put me down Aj you gonna drop me stop playing.” She yelled out.

I threw her on the bed and got on top of her and started kissing on her she immediately calmed down and relaxed her body n started kissing me back. She placed her hand on the back of my neck while my hand maneuvered my way between her legs.

“Oh you ready ready” i leaned up and said

She smirked and grabbed my hand and put my fingers in her mouth.

“Oml”😩 this girl so freaky i think thats why i love her.😂

She hopped up off the bed and walked real slow and sexy to the bathroom while taking her clothes off at the same time.

“Come here daddy” she demanded and waltzed in the bathroom.

“Oh you aint gotta tell me twice” i hopped up so fast i fell flat on my face pants to my ankles shirt halfway on.😂 Its up there.

I walked in the bathroom she already hot and wet. Im about to fuck this girl like a dog.

I stepped in and stood right in front of her she looking up at me and im looking down at her.

I grabbed her neck kissed her i picked her up and Pinned her to the wall and started sucking on her neck she wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck and moaned in my ear.

Now yall know when a female moan in my ears it do something to me.

I couldn’t wait i was so hard i was throbbing.

I stuck my dick inside of she gasped.

I went in slow to open her up she so warm and tight.

“Fuuuck” i said slow and low my strokes became faster her grip became tighter, she dug her nails in my back.

I went faster and deeper her moans became louder.

“Ahh AJ” she moaned

I just knew i was about to be a father.

“Fuck it” I said out loud and released.

“Dammnn“ i said outta relief because i just released so much stress.

“Damn the hospital fixed you up you aint never did that before.” She said while she finished showering.

“No cap”😂

We both finished showering she got out before me but i felt the vibes change mins later before she got out.

I finished up turned the shower off and grabbed my towel and walked out the bathroom.

“Whats up?” I asked out of concern.

“........Im not ready AJ..”

“😕Wow You not ready....Why?”

I sat on one side of the bed she sat on the other side.

“Ive been taking birth control pills”

“Man what!!! When was you gonna tell me this we just talked about this a few weeks ago and you said you was ready.” I yelled

“Well yeah that was before you stopped answering my calls and stopped being over or around me all the time.” She cried out

“Ive been working you know that.”

“AJ you know ive been told that before ive been in this same situation before and the person i was in that situation with fasho not you obviously im just scared to go back down that road because im still dealing with that by myself you have to give me that.” She said with a scratchy voice as if she was about to cry.

I started to feel guilty again by another women.

It became dead silent...

“🤔You know i never understood why mothafuckas let otha mothafuckas hold them back from their blessings that they asked for... that they been praying for... A mothafucka standing RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU”

“Maybe Im too genuine.. Maybe I aint what she want..Maybe...”

“Man Fuck this shit” I said while jumping up and storming to the living room.

“WHAT” she yelled

(She jumped up right behind me and chased after me.)

I pounced on the couch and turned the game on.

She came and stood right in front of me with her hand on her hip silk robe half way open, skin soft and shiny with the meanest sexiest look on her face.

“AJ really this what you gonna do while we talkin.?”

*Pat Tap Tap* Controller Buttons

She scooted over in front of the tv.

“Man Move” i said in agitation

She dropped her robe and i dropped my bottom lip Along with the controller.😂

“You ready to listen now?”

“Yes maam” i said with such thirst that i was ready for whatever.

I laid back on the couch and she climbed on top of me and was under a spell after that.

What can I say Imma sucka😋😁

Fb:HunchoSkeazo

Ig: HunchoSkeazo

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Youtube:Huncho Skeazo

We The Future Ent Copywrite 2020

[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[myvelouri]

I need to be really open

Right now I'm about to post totally openly and it's going to beong because my night was long

So I was at the bar and the girl buddy I wrote about who didn't remember me, who used to remember me when she ran into me back then... Yeah she didn't remember me and it hurt my feelings really badly. Look, it just did, okay? I don't forget people I've had coffee with under funny circumstances and people uve bonded with. She used to support my depression and all that and was totally into me back then as she's the one who told me I have awesome hair and always wanted to tell me

Yeah that was her back then, just fucking only 3 years ago, it's not even that long, let alone I texted her just a few months ago

My heart breaks a bit. And she was there with a buddy of mine. I didn't know he'd be there. I felt so hurt by that? Because I thought me and her were hella cool... We used to text jokes about this guy in a class. I just can't believe you'd forget me

I can't

Especially since she thought I was attractive AND THEN we had a bonding moment over coffee one day

I'm so hurt, I can't explain it, I don't know if it's okay for me to feel this way, I don't know if it's wrong to feel this way. .. I'm just very HURT and it makes me want to cry, I'm not crying, but it feels like it and I just... I don't understand and I can't shake the awkwardness. I met her and she still didn't remember me. I had to explain to her who I was and it felt so unnatural

I still feel woozy about that! I hated that! I did! My buddy told me she said to him "I think I know that guy" REALLY?! Bro it's not like me and her were acquaintances. Omfg. We were seen together plenty times

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL? It's not like I was trying to fuck her or anything, I just felt like it was a special connection when I met her. Not that we were close but she was one of those rare open people and thought we'd never forget each other

It makes me a little sick to my stomach, as in, just feeling, I don't know why, and to know she didn't want to hang with me but hung out with Eric... I'm just so confused!! I can't do this right now! Not right now! Too much, it's too much right now!

Okay so I was outside at the bar very sad and slum. I got to the bar and ordered another drink. The waitress there, the one that hates me, she was here so I tried to be nice and asked "how are you doing?" And she ignored me, and I said her name, kaeton, I was like, "kaeton??" And she still ignored me. Suffice it to say my heart felt even more hurt. The more and more I try to give myself, the more and more I'm being shut down..

I just wanted to die at that point

So I went outside to write to myself with my new beer

Suddenly a fight is happening. I interject cause they came my way, two dudes and the small one is toast. So I help the big one out and say yo, here come here, chill, and I tried to sit them down. And then the big one pushed me as if I'm an enemy and said "NAH GET OUT OF MY WAY, HES MY NEPHEW" and I said BRO CHILL, IM HERE TO HELP, ON YOUR SIDE. And later he apologized to me saying he's sorry he was like that and that it indeed was his nephew who was causing the scene. I said I know they man, I wanted to stop you guys from tumbling over people. He was cool man. We talked afterwards. No problem at all. Chill dude. Infact the waitress that hates me? I am pretty sure she gave him her number. Doesn't matter

So guess what? Another fight breaks out from that. Again came my way. I saw the two bartender guys that work there. Casey and Calvin. I know them somewhat. I'm a regular at this bar bro. And I see this dude pushing Calvin around and I got so upset that I went up and stopped him, grabbed him by the neck (the drunk douche) and said nah, chill, you're out bro and he started calling me "what? YOU FAG, YOU FUCKING GAY FAGGOT" because of the way I look. And I was quick to remark about his dumbass appearance about his glasses and cap combo. And he kept going but my skinny ass was able to push him out the door. And I bumped into Sam, my other favorite waitress there who I've slowly gotten close to. I'll tell you more about that. She was a bit frazzled by it all. And I accidentally made her drop drinks on herself as she was trying to serve someone else but that's cause I was getting angry and talking mad shit back to this douche bag I was pushing out by the neck. And Casey, not Calvin, but Casey, pushed me out of that grip and I understood, to let go and let the people working here take care of it. I didn't mean to be bad. I was just upset seeing one of the workers here that I like being pushed around so rough. It wasn't okay. And like. Yeah

So when I came back to the outside, lots of people came up to me. Some said wow, wtf happenened, we saw, you were involved and we were like WTF

Others, like Eric saw it and then he left cause he said he didn't want to see drunkards brawling. In my heart I thought, wow, Eric, I wasn't, I was pushing him out because the drunkard was ALREADY hitting the wait staff.

Anyway, other people came up to me and told me "wow bro when he called you a fag? Dude nah I almost ran in there and knocked him out, I'm surprised you didn't, he called you a fag so many times" and I said "yeah I was getting to that point but Casey stopped me"

Um, girls started looking at me and smiling at me. I don't know why but girls thought it was attractive that I pushed out a douche bag out of the bar, whilst being called a fag and horrible names. Idk man.

A lot of people came up to me. I didn't even realize everyone was watching. To me it lasted a second. To everyone else telling me about it, they said it lasted a good 6 minutes straight

Jesus

Okay so I went to Steve's house with Ronnie and Hector. Love these dudes. Steve is hella old but he's awesome. We smoked and drank. We got hungry so me, Ronnie and Hector went to whataburger. We ate and suddenly Sam, the waitress from the bar came over and scared me..I was HOLY SHIT WTF HOW

she said she was driving and saw us so she came in to eat with us. Ugh sam is so cute. She's been so hot this entire time. She's the one who I accidentally spilled a bit of beer on as she was trying to serve it, remember? And so after that happened, I went up to her and said "hey, I'm sorry I spilled that on you, Sam" and she was so surprised I was like this (it's just me) and she was like "omg you're so sweet" and was like "no it's fine" so fast forward to whataburger. Ya man. Hector left and Ronnie left. It was just me and Sam. And the guy working at Whataburger was trying to fuck sam. Poor guy, bless his heart, he has a crush on Sam, and, you know, she just doesn't like him. So she told me to help her sneak out when he isn't looking. And I did lol. So me and her started talking a lot outside. And the dude comes out and says to her "hey Sam, I'm about to smoke a cigarette, wanna join me?" Literally has balls trying to cock block ME. I MEAN, I wasn't trying to fuck Sam, I'm just saying to HIM it looked like I was kinda with her and had been with her a while alone, so for him to come up, was ballsy. Like bro, you for real?

She brushed him off. And she looked at me and said "come on" and I asked her "Bro why are you acting like he has a chance?!" And she said she has to because she comes here to eat often at nights hahaha. I said okay, totally understandable hahahaha

And then she told me, I grew on her. She's seen me many nights and has seen who I am. And she finally sees the real me. She said she appreciates me and wants to hang out and stuff. I was surprised. I felt appreciated greatly. Especially after such an awful night. Which is still affecting me. I don't know how Jenny forgot me. I can't believe I was trying to call her Emily at first. Awful. It was an accident, not that she heard me. But, wow, she didn't remember me at all.

It hurts still... Because that means I've gotten so so ugly to the point where girls who used to think I was hot as fuck don't even recognize me anymore (that's how ugly and different I've gotten physically) oh no I'm gonna cry. I can't take it

The end of tonight was good! Why can't I accept that!

I'm actually tearing up

This is so awful

What is wrong with me

[swearronchanel]

8.03

proceed with caution lol i have comments 

ok late start bc I wasn’t gonna do this but im following grace and frankie as this is the year of “fuck it”

MS VIOLET BUCKLE YASS

“.. and we must move forward, fueled my faith” ❤️

“Congratulations mum” MY HEART

Trixie’s cringe omg

Oo Cyprus, I wanna go

Why is Sister Frances smiling while saying all this? LMAO

Trixie can say anything and I’m just like “YAS QUEEN”

send the truant gremlins to school lmaoo

“Feel free to take it up with him” CLAP BACK WAS SUBTLE BUT STRONG lol like back up Ms Higgins

If only it was that easy to get people now at day’s to vaccinate their kids so these old ass diseases can stop coming back  

“Quite” LMAO shelagh’s face 😂 but also she’s a hypocrite if she doesn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️ no shade just facts

At least they’ll finally give Teddy his 5 seconds of fame 😂

Such a Caribbean family thing to always ask if you have a boyfriend LMAO like no mind ya neck

I love Leonie’s Jamaican accent she’s so good at it

Phyllis my sovereign I’ve missed you

how is teddy like 12 already? LMAO - or does every kid look huge in Laura’s arms?

🔊this is why you have to vaccinate your gremlin kids bc young babies can’t get them🔊

“Like Kirk Douglas” excuse me while I throw up ((he’s a rapist sorry not sorry))

Damn that clef pallet looks real, technology is wild

this lady’s kitchen is dreamy omg

but I’m assuming she must have lost a baby/child before ? there’s gotten be something that has her super anxious

Phyllis as Akela is the best

ASSISTANT CUBMASTER! NO THIS OLD REJECT MARX BROTHER DIDNT LMAOO

TRIXIE LOOKING LIKE A BAD BI*CH

OK BUT ME LMAO I CANT WEAR CHANCLAS WITH OUT A PEDICURE

Iced cross buns

Phyllis is so pure she wants a beach for the kids 😭

That woman was kinda bitchy but pretty

I swear there’s been a Becker family before?? Why does CTM always recycle names? it bothers me for some weird reason 😂😂

Ms Higgins out here reprising her role as cockblocker #1

ok now the baby looked kinda fake in that shot

there’s sister J, finally

Now where’s sister Monica Joan?

damn they couldn’t at least wait to talk shit AFTER she left ?? extra Rude afff

she lost a son, I called itttt

no shelagh don’t ask yet🤦🏼‍♀️

Val is such a good nurse, she’s handling this well

ofc the Turner’s would find out what happened in 2 seconds

well it’s so understandable, if your baby died and they gave you no explanation as to why you’d act the same way  

THERE’S SISTER MJ 😂

boys aged 3-9 are literal monsters

6 kids tho I’d fling myself off a cliff

Violet really dressin like a council woman, we stan

Trixie’s hair looks good af but why she smoking at the table?

Omg Shelagh’s pink dress is adorable

ok but wasn’t that kinda dramatic, she didn’t really hit the girl she pushed her hand away right?

Smack your dumb son Lmaoo he’s too grown to be acting up

I’m not as emotionally invested in this ep like I was the last one, am I a heartless monster??

Is it measles? Either way poor hazel

Ohh so Ms Higgins drives Lmaoo vroom vroom

“You’re stronger than you realize”😭

I actually like that Ms Higgins is having this moment with her? I’m tired to the Turner’s always tryna save the day like give someone else a chance

no shade ofc I’m just saying the Turner’s take a lot of spotlight when we’re supposed to be calling the midwives here lol

And now here comes Val to the rescue

“the chemist” cracks me up, it makes the pharmacy sound cooler than it is

Val’s outfit is killing, I need those damn plaid pants in my life?? Also gotta be thinner so I can look that good in them 😂

Either way I want, I’m such a whore for nice trousers

YES KID DEFEND YOUR BROTHER

square up with whomever you must

A remembrance plant omg, Ms Higgins being the best part in this episode is THE biggest plot twist 😭

Another good husband in the show aw

Tim playing with the girls how pure

They are sisters ok 😭 they’re so cute

REGGIE!! UGH I love the Buckles what an under appreciated family

Will someone explain what this bank holiday is?

“OH I feel like the queen 😂😂”

Trixie out here looking like a bad bitch!!

But she hasn’t gotten a main storyline yet I’m offended? & there’s also been a lack of sister j wtf is going on lol

Val’s dress is also cute af I love gingham

“.. embrace the warmth of ordinary days..” ❤️

There’s the pretty lady and her adorable daughter

“There is light. There is. Look for it ..” my heart man😭 Vanessa Redgrave always hitting right in the feels

If it was any other narrator it prob wouldn’t hit the same lol

[ofthewilderwest]

Anyways here’s my add brain’s idea of a history essay about the Cold War:

In Central Oklahoma born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days; playing fantasy adventure games with my friends, we spent as much time as possible going over to the creek at school to explore. Lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards lizards llllllliiiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddssssssssss l i z a r d s l i z a r d s yeaaaaaah babey lizards are cool as heck can i write an essay about those funky little dudes instead of myself because i may not know much about myself but i sure as heck know about those scaly critters oh golly gosh this sucks

i hope filling the page with words makes it look like i’m doing something because i have absolutely no idea what to write. I remember nothing before the events of this week. And nothing has happened this week. Scooby dooby doo where are you.

Ha you know what a good word is? Plethora. Another good word? Puffin. But another good word is parakeet. Hey, they all start with the letter P! Nifty. Golly gosh i want to do something with this but what to do?

Think of their cry of their undying support. Prima donna your song shall never die think how you’ll shine in that final encore see these demands are rejected but if it’s loudly sung and in a foreign tongue it's just the sort of story audiences adore light up the stage sing prima donna once moooore. Okay thats a thing. A ghoooooost or rather a ghooOOOOoOoooOOOOooost aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… nope im still uninspired.

Woah, google docs saves automatically?? That's totally tubular man! Perfect for a lazy cabbage like me. Piano noises. Ugh i really need to work on work. Work? Idk her. Did you know the basilisk lizard can run on water with their toe flaps? They slap the water with their big feet and create a little air pocket between their toe flaps, allowing them to remain buoyant enough to run on water. Crusty is a gross word. Worse than moist. Moist>crusty.

Textures. Triskaidekaphobia. Woah i spelled that perfectly. It would be cool to be a bicycle. Rollin’ around and having’ fun to see the world.

My wife and I sat at the bed of our only daughter Roxie. The bleak walls the decaying trees the utter depression of the soul the bitter ghost of everyday life the icy sinking of the heart for seventeen years our roxie had danced danced on the edge of a star but now following the loss of her only child a sickness has taken over. He child was stolen and she blames herself she is wasting away her liquid eyes her thin lips her pale skin her spiderweb hair floating in front of her face. Astonishment and dread in the house of usher……. Ugly.

Cannibalism is rather uncool. I could see where it could be necessary but i couldn’t just EAT A PERSON. It’s quite spicy in here. My hoodie isn’t doing any good. Alms, Alms for a miserable woman. I feel like an elderly ravioli rolling down a hill into a lake.

Wowie i kind of want a ravioli right now. Is this acceptable to turn in to [teacher]? Probably not. I really want a ravioli. I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more for a ravioli now. Yum. This dude behind me is frickign on cool math games bro you really have no fear. Not to sound like a goth but, as a goth, I love Edgar Allan Poe’s stories. Wtf am I listening to I- oh yeah I like this song I forgot. Lizards Lizards Lizards.

This is peak creativity for me today. Still thinking about the ravioli. Penny Whistle solo from My Heart Will Go On. The sticker on my computer says [school]LAB529-38. It means i’m at [school name], lab 529, computer number 38. Litty.

I have absolutely no idea what to write. This isn’t even in mla format. Big chungus. Haha. whoops i almost used a comma instead of a period haha ya silly sausage. I sound like a chipmunk vacuum cleaner when i laugh. Go go gadget.

She thinks my tractor’s sexy. I hope not. I’m not part of the cars universe. Wait can i make a carsona? Is that allowed. That would be a rip-roarin funny time. My carsona is aaaaauuuuuuhhhhhh one of those baby cars that you run with your feet sticking out to drive

advertisement is a good word yeah it’s got a lot of syllables. Ssssyllablessssssssssss. Morphine.

My phone is blue, i have a blue phone, the poison the poison for kuzco the poison chosen specifically to kill kuzco kuzco’s poison that poison. Orange has the capability to be an awful color or a cool color. I just dont really like orange.

Sitting in a library bunch of books around meeeee wow the people i’m supposed to be with are sitting far away from me i’m all alone ):|> what if googgle haha googgle i spelled that wrong haha what if google didn’t exist and we were stuck with bing or yahoo or something that's super gross right?

Imm sleeby and i can’t go home until 8:00 unfortunately so i guess i’ll just suffer. There's a shiny nickel on the floor! Wow i might be 5 cents richer wait hold tf up there’s no cent symbol on the keyboard?? Really?????????????????????????? That irks me a lot.

Class will be over soon and the five hours or feet hurty dancy time. I gotta finish my candlestick hat but yaknow it will turn out ugly or smthn.

Do you ever just love your friends even if they are not talking to each other and suff you still love them wow my friends are queens i want to ea-

[thorne93]

As I read through what your favorite romantic cliches are, I couldn't help but want to ask what your least favorite ones are, the ones you hate, the ones you detest. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Ooooohhh boy these are pretty easy for me, lol. Sadly...

Enemies to lovers. I know, I know. “But Thorne, you listed the bickering-to-loving couple” yes, I did. But to me, the couple like in 10 Things I Hate about you -- they aren’t enemies. Kat thinks she’s above everyone, and Patrick just sort of hates everyone. That isn’t really directed at each other. The Ugly Truth -- shes professional, rigid, and confident. He’s funloving, and a little immature... Think of it like yin-yan. I like when two very different people can come together and compliment each other. Like my parents. They were very different, but where one shined, the other had a great skill somewhere else. They filled in the gaps, if you will.... But shit like “I just loathe them”, or being downright hateful to each other isn’t cool. Like... You can’t start a relationship where you pretty much couldn’t stand each other.... 

Stumbling into each other/being clutsy and finding each other... Let me be clear, let’s say person a trips and falls, maybe they spill their coffee, or their files to everywhere, or maybe someone slams into them, and person B comes along to help, I like that. It shows good character right off the bat - Person B is a helpful person to strangers.... I don’t like Person A and B slamming into each other and somehow its... supposed to be cute? I think I don’t like it because I myself am not clumsy. I see in a lot of fics (especially SPN) about how the reader “hates wearing heels”... I don’t. I love heels. i think they’re sexy and powerful as fuck. I took ballet and tap as a child, entered numerous talent shows for dance, and I took professional dancing when I got older. Dance, grace, and beauty are things to be admired. Don’t get me wrong, my favorite shoes are combat boots and Converse... But I also don’t groan and roll my eyes at heels. I like grace, i like delicacy, i like “lady like” behavior. To me, the gawky, clumsy thing isn’t a turn on. I dont like the idea of a girl falling the fuck all over herself and a guy being like “oh, poor thing”.... A good example is the beginning to 50 shades of grey (besides EVERY OTHER PROBLEM with that story), Ana literally falls into Christians office with the “oh look at me im so clumsy bit”.... That shit would be very... bad as a first impression for anyone. (and if you are clumsy, that’s okay! I’m not saying you need to be some sort of ballet dancer, but using this as a device to seem cute, is immature to me.)

Giving up a dream for a significant other -- hell to the FUCK NO.... No, you don’t give up amazing opportunities for anyone. I know it’s hard. But either a) you love each other so much that they’ll be there when you get back (if someone has to travel for work ....or whatever) b) or you support their dream. It’s simple... I think I am really stringent on this because anything can happen. By anything, I mean, you can be super in love today, maybe this year, but in five years, maybe his secretary will turn his head, and meanwhile you gave up on your career to be with him. Or vice versa. He invested everything in you, and you leave him for someone else.  Maybe you two just fall out of love. Maybe tragedy strikes... So now I ask you, was giving up something that would help you financially with YOUR life a good move? Probably not... Don’t dictate your life for someone else... yeah, take them into consideration. If you’re married, don’t just move you’re whole family across the globe to better you’re career.... But like coming out of college and you’re unmarried, or you got a promotion that may require travel... fucking do it... 

Makeover and now she’s suddenly hot cliche -- just.... why??? 1) If she’s hot, why did she look like garbage in overalls? Hot is hot. put margot Robbie in a fucking burlap sack and that chick is still on fiiiiyyyaa... 2) Why do they always look like a different person? I realize me in casual clothes with no makeup is a little different to how I looked on my wedding day, but overall?? I look the same. So wtf...? 3) Is she suddenly going to have fashion sense? know how to do her hair? know how to dress? Because to me, if you had 0 fashion sense, just because someone makes you over, doesn’t mean you suddenly know how to put together a killer outfit, so how does that work?? Just too many weird things... also! Why would you want a guy that didn’t want you until you slapped on pretty lipstick and a push up bra??

Use someone to make your ex jealous -- again, WHY? He/she/they don’t want you.... so why are you fucking around with them? Why the hell are you wasting your time on someone who doesn’t want you? Plus it sort of wastes the person’s time who is helping you out. Like... Just... move on. Also, i really dont like it, if the person you’re using to help make the ex jealous, is someone you fall in love with... Idk to me I would be like “you’re hella unbalanced. You aren’t over your ex, and yet you’re in love with me..... soooo wth?”

“Shut up and kiss me” cliche -- the thing where you shut someone up by kissing them... It drives me up the wall. it’s rude. If my husband ever did that i would pull away and probably punch him. I dont know why. It’s just.... it’s important to let people talk and just shoving your mouth on them... like especially during a fight. When I’m mad, im MAD. I dont want to kiss. I don’t want us to lead to steamy sex. You have somehow fucked up my day/week/month/life, and now I’m mad, I’m expressing that I am displeased -- kissing me while i’m pissed will just make me more pissed, and make me wonder what the fuck is wrong with you to think that THAT was a good time to kiss me????

I think that’s.... it for now? I probably have more.... Damn, i am salty. What about you!? I’m cuuurrious! Thanks for asking lovely!!!!

[fxck-this-man]

To many people, Xanda is just a nickname, to me it isn't, I just have to respect that. To some people, it's a pet name, like if they want me to do something and they want me to say yes, then they'll call me Xanda (fuck you Samuel btw ((bruh doesn't even recognize or acknowledge that i almost always called him samuel when i was talking to him)damn triple parentheses) for doing nothing but taking full advantage of that, especially when it comes to nic, i've made these two pods last me like a while, and im just supposed to say yes whenever you're fiending) (i do the same fucking shit when it's not at my place, so i kinda get that, but i'm still gonna bitch and moan about it)

(the worst part is when people take advantage of it) i'm not a "poser", i'm just having a hard time figuring out exactly who i am, and what my interests are. I also have to respect the fact that people are literally treating me like a friggin dog, and i'm like bruh, no thanks. ( are they really assuming that i'm learning how to fake cry?) People also think that i'm using actual real life people as "characters" to portray myself, like homie, nah, that ain't how it goes. any time i've put the label of relationship with something, it's done nothing but crash and burn in the end. in my eyes, me calling something a relationship is just a way for the significant other to use me to their full advantage, and then toss me away when they're done. like bruh that shits fuckin scary as hell, i'm not willingly going to put myself in that position again, like ever. i also understand it's my responsibility to not do that myself, that's a not good thing to do. Id rather be full of myself and self aware than actually listen to the things people say about me, or whatever it is i'm assuming or whatever the fuck i'm doing. i know people are talking mad shit about me behind my back. that's the worst part. i'm not going to bother anyone or reach out if i assume you have this negative perception of me, why would i waste my time trying to do that? i have nothing to prove, at the very least. The Hoe Phase is over, and i'm not even like "actively " tryin to find "bitches", I idolize the Goons, but writing about them all the time is probably not a good thing, that's what being "obsessive " means. The "Art Wall" wasn't just my art, it was art from old friends too, like "pre-COVID" friends there's personal things i don't want people to know, and now it feels like it's all out in the open for everyone to pry and make fun of. now there's background info i didn't want people knowing that i am absolutely both paranoid and terrified everyone knows the worst part is i'm not getting any clarification about it. Fuck "Bub", the gaslighting whore. But also, the entire interaction between us and Bub helped with the "Season Finale" of "The Hoe Phase", so at the very least that helped out a little bit. i'm not gonna let a group of people (don't worry, not The Goons) who think they know better gaslight me and manipulate me into doing their bidding. that's just FUCKED! LIKE THE FACT THAT IM SUPPOSED TO DO NOTHING AND JUST LET IT HAPPEN DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NUTS! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DONT EVEN GIVE ME THE ROOM OR TIME TO EVEN THINK ON MY OWN, LIKE WTF, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN WITH THE QUESTIONS AND JUST GIVE ME TIME TO THINK Actually moving on is not something i am able to do very confidently. amaya was hard enough as is, and she's like my first proper relationship, maggie was difficult too, i'm too clingy, and at this moment, Leah is even harder to move on from. she was gonna break shit off because of the distance, and she told me goodbye. and that was a genuine real goodbye, yknow? that was the goodbye that was needed for us to have that extra push to stop doing "the hoe phase". if she was really hurt that way, then yeah, i really don't need to try to be in relationships.

(it was a stupid longboard anyways)

[angeljonghyun]

Insanely long emotional ramble ahead, you can ignore it. I just needed to let it out somewhere

Im filled with anxiety and the feeling of panic. I woke up an hour ago and it only gets worse. I wonder what its like to have a fixed schedule, i have too much time to worry and think. I woke up thinking about jjong right away, being so confused by the fact that hes gone. I wanted to go to the gym today again, finally it has been so long, but now idk how well i can eat and if i can stand being even more stressed bc being in public, doing somewhat normal things and not being home all day is scary to me too. Gosh i feel so horrible atm, its so much worse bc i get my period the next days. I couldnt be more depressed and emotional at the same time. Im so scared of the mv and album, idk how well i will be able to handle it. Maybe it feels even worse bc i know its like the last real thing of him we will ever get. Maybe its so horribly painful bc his songs are often personal and i will be reminded about his struggles once again. I know people say that no one should look into his new album and make up theories, what i understand, i dont want people to do this for any type of sttention which is not linked to good intentions, but honestly... his music, all his lyrics are linked to what happened. The wish to not be here anymore is something almost every depressed person has to deal with and so every song has parts of that demon of his inside of them, probably doesnt matter if its from years ago. It hurts like hell and i still dont know what is right or wrong. Idk if i should force myself to do a lot or suffer at home so all these tears can run freely. Idek what to feel anymore. I have survived the worst of it all and know things will get better, but reliving insane pain is scary and knowing that its gonna happen so soon ... . I dont know if its good that it happens so early or not. I really cant tell if i should watch the mv or listen to the album but ive never been a person who was able to watch an mv late bc i always wanted to know whats going on. I still am that way so i will most likely torture myself. Maybe not the best choice and maybe it will break me down entirely again, but i dont really see another option. Its so scary and something inside of me just wants to completely erase every bit of shinee in my life bc im so stressed and sad all the time, but wtf how am i supposed to do that its impossible and also i dont want to... i just wish to find peace kind of, but i know i cant. There will be so much happening still which will tear open that massive wound again and thats so exhausting wow. Its so weird how i feel kind of close to jjong bc i try to keep him close, but at the same time im so scared of him. Its the weirdest feeling and makes me feel so so sick. Its so weird how i accepted his death but cant handle anything well at all. There are times when im kind of emotionless, but thats not how i truly feel inside. Its just weird to me to watch the mv of him bc of obvious reasons i guess and then theres take the dive the song id love to delete entirely so it wouldnt exist. Im such a mess. I can listen to his old music with a heavy heart but idk what kind of emotions this album will wake up. I can imagine i really just listen once and ignore forever, but idk really. This album wont ever be loved by me and i feel bad for that. Im sorry jjong but im gonna feel devastated about everything forever and cant appreciate you and your hard work the way i should. Im still here wishing none of this is real. At moments im literally just standing somewhere thinking to myself that i should wake up now, but i know it wont happen. Then again i feel the intense need to love and support the rest of shinee. My second angel is still alive... im just scared to attach myself to kibum way too much just like i did with jjong before... im already lost in this one sided love for him, but i know i shouldnt feel that way and it drives me crazy. I hate this i hate all of this i hate every part of this shithole called life. i never want to experience anything like this ever again. I never wanted to experience this in the first place.

[amadisonfxo]

Sixteen

In so many movies, books and songs, so many people speak so highly of sixteen. I think they’re right, let me tell you, whoever you may be, a little bit about my experience with the infamous 16. You’re in the sweet spot of being a teenager, you are not supposed to be grown yet, you’re old enough to know better, you’re able to start to maybe get your shit together, to an extent. you know??

First of all, You can drive? (Maybe not well but, I can drive) Like alone and shit, oh? Last time I checked I was literally 12 but cool! Personally never thought I’d see this day, considering I got pulled over at age 14, all while smacking the curb, Dad had no license on him and neither did i, very on brand for us. I am quite literally my father in the form of a female. I Didn’t start learning how to drive until about 2 months before my road test. the day of my test on july 2nd 2019,  my mom convinced me that I ruined her life, and the day before I spoke to child services about my home life for the second time in my life, how traumatic! I Hit the curb on my parallel park and missed the turn for my hill park and never even ended up doing it? it was a 4pm road test so Brent or whatever his name was probably was tired and wanted to go home so he passed me even though I don’t think I met the good driver standards but, I for one, am not complaining! getting my vehicle was pivotal. I’m not even being dramatic, pivotal. The amount of falling in love and falling apart that has gone on in there over the last year?? A little embarrassing to say the least:) I wouldn’t love my life like I do without it, or have made it through some bad, hard times. Including! A global fucking pandemic?? School was cancelled, boyfriend Deadass broke up with me just about 2 days before, Double wtf??? Honestly what happened?? and that’s for real. that was my biggest thing when I turned the big one six was that I could finally finally, listen to whatever music I wanted, as loud as I wanted because lord knows, Shelley didn’t quite appreciate “teenage dream” at a blast, at 8am, as much as I did. i appreciate every small drive, the ones to school, to dance, to work, to the rink, to the gym, i always make the perfect small soundtrack for my drive. especially through the beginning of covid and a breakup, it was a life saver, i may have gone actually insane if i couldnt speed and and scream down every empty long road i could find after every long day of nothing.

 i pay for my own vehicle, every month a chunk comes out of my account, that is something i pride myself on, i cant wait until the day that im able to be completely self sufficient, even now, for the most part, I am. 

16 consisted of a lot of finding myself and realizing who I am in my relationships, with my family, with my friends and with my boyfriend. i am able to fully say that I am nowhere near, at all, the perfect best friend, or sister, daughter, step daughter, girlfriend, student, dancer, and all that. But everyday i dreamed up ways i was able to be that for the people around me, its been slow, but i’ve been making progress. as much as everyone drives me up a wall for throwing rocks at every move i make, they might be right, so i cant help but try to chnage and be better all the time.

 i realized my family is not the same as me, and as dumb as it sounds, i HATE being told i cant do something or that i HAVE to do something, i hate people who cant go with the flow, people who don’t trust me (cough cough mom) although, she has many valid reasons to not trust me, i still don’t like that she doesnt trust me,. my least favorite thing in the world is being told no. i really hope i navigate that flaw before i get a taste of the real world.

 i learned that i live to scream music, for a night out with my friends, for laying in the sun and that reading gets me through my hardest hours, writing is my therapy, dancing is my therapy. when i am happy all i wanna do is keep doing fun things. Reading, dance and my other forms of therapy never seem necessary until I am having a tough time. which is fair i suppose but i wish they were a daily habit.

 my whole year of 16 i spent falling in love, trying to get out of it and then navigating a new relationship, all with one person, which is all ive ever wanted. ive always wanted to find somebody that I love and that I can give everything I have to. everyone is different, some people like to give to themselves, others like to be in love and have help, love, be taken care of and build a new form of family, a best friend. i find i am that person. and i love it so much.

 i loved, i lost, i literally got to my lowest ever but then came up and learned every piece of my soul, that sounds painfully dramatic but its so true. i truly believe i am so incredibly strong, but so loving and soft.i finally fully believe i am enough, i am worth and deserving of everything i want and need, just like everybody else. i am my favorite person. nobody can replace me, I will always be here for myself, i always try to give myself the world. i learned that at 16. the beginning was hard, i thought being weak and being a pushover was just who i was and that crying every night was cool and that it was just how my life was gonna be, but you truly are everything you set your mind out to be. if you believe you are the absolute hottest bitch on this planet, Guest what??? you'll start to act accordingly. it feels good, to finally understand that you have to be so happy and confident on your own that being with somebody is just that much better, its tough, but so perfect. 

some cool things i did at 16, bought my vehicle, sorry to flex again. paid off a whole ass greece trip, that got cancelled eventually. missed out on my second and my second last dance competition season. started coaching figure skating. learned a hip hop dance (nice)  got my first solos, something ive been waiting for since the dance moms days. the first song i listened to in my car while driving alone was “american teen” by khalid. learned my brain. loved my life fully. learned how to get through hard days. slow danced with the loml in my living room. went camping with mans. created a little life of my own with cb. ill never get over how sweet and caring and smart. he is. i justv love my life, my friends and myself. so much. 

16 was something ive been waiting for. I have huge dreams. 

[wereg0blin]

for the ask meme? all of them u thot

For ur and Cris' demand1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Yes!!!!! 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?UhHHHHHH it is 3 years older than me but hhhhhhh probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Bicth ten mins ago4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?ALWAYS5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?If there are they can go fuck themselves right in the butthole6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?CHOKE-I dont know how but they found me - mr seen aka my eX hHHhH7. What exactly are you wearing right now?a cute ass blouse thingy some tights and christmas deer antlers on top of a Santa hat8. How often do you listen to music?every chance i get9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?jeans i guess10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?i dont even remember 201311. Are you a social or an antisocial person?both damn12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?On the cheek yes13. What about ‘R’?platonically yes14. Can you drive a stick shift?i can climb sticks???? does that count??? 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?they 100% do and i dont really care bc everyone talks shit about everyone 16. Are you going out of town soon?i dont know how to reply to this because i live in two towns17. When was the last time you cried?Wednesday i think,, i wish i could cry more often 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?i try to say it as much as i can bc i have a lot of love in my heart19. If you could change your eye color, would you?maybe a lighter blue bc gray blue isn't that pretty20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?not counting evan,,, uhh Boys ARE A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD FUXK YEAH21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.am planning to tell mh parents abt my depression but hHHHHH22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?if it has boy in it iT CUTE23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?NopE cris is like,,,, my best friend wtf24. What are you sitting on right now?b e d i t s o f t25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?FRIENS. LOVE THEM. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?ALL THW TIME B I TCH27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?my roommates 28. Do you get a lot of colds?nop, but when i do its fuxked up29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Switzerland 30. Does anyone hate you?yepity depity do and i hope they burn in hell fucking pieces of shits31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?it will be a cold day in hell when i drink my dudes32. Do you like watching scary movies?BITCH I L OV E MAKING FUN OF MOVIESSO SEEING SHITTY SCARY MOVIES IS A FUCKING BLESSING 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Nah how tf am i gonna eat spicy shit then???? ¿¿¿¿34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2015????or 2016??? i think that was the worst my depression ever was35. Did you have a dream last night?i think????? 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?right now37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?hope not???? but then again???? kinda hope i do????? probably not doe38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?yes i know at least 2 boys and i feel so sorry for them39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?probs40. Did you have a good day yesterday?mmmeh41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?oh shit i have no Fucking idea 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?y e s43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?i think???? cris must've told me at least one time and evan too so Uhhhh i guess???? ¿¿¿¿44. What’s the best part about school?i get to have unnecessary crushes45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?ppppplenty46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?yeah but he called me a slut and a whore 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?god fucking hell all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nope thank the whatever the fuck is out there 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?sleeping i guess51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?evan is a precious cinnamon roll fuck off 52. Are you nice to everyone?YES YES YES YES ALWAYS as i saidk i l l t h e m w i t h k i n d n e s s53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?h hh hhh fuCking tAke a wIld Gue Ss m854. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?bitch when i cheat will be the day i cut my throat 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?bad feelings? yescrushes? n0Pe56. Do you think you like someone?i think but i hope not57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?nop i do not Think so my dude 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?why THE FUCK would that matter59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?current ones?? i dont think so??? 60. Do you hate anyone?nah i just,,,, strongly dislike themexcept the fucking bitches i called friends i hopr they die in a fire 61. How’s your heart?idk i guess ok??? im always okay62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?not really pffft63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes all the time,, boys r beautiful 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?hmmmmmmmmm idk i can think of a few people but i hope not 65. Are your toenails painted pink?I W I S H66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?bih i wish i could have my first kiss67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?if boyfriend cries i cry thats bad 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?poor poor souls that actually had this happen to them69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my sister!!! 70. How do you look right now?bored Even doe im honestly just relaxed 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?i do that with everyone bc if u don't like me u don't have tk be around me 72. Can you commit to one person?yes ofc!!!??? 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?even bby ilu74. Have you ever felt replaced?i think?? yes probs75. Did you wake up cranky?nop76. Are you a jealous person?hhhhHA YOU DONT EVEN K N O W77. Are relationships ever worth it?Theyre fun but the end of them makes me wanna die78. Anyone you’re giving up on?crushes and teachers 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?3 more years bih u better wait for meand u too eben b safe u dork80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?sssstudy h81. Last person you cried in front of?mom82. Is there someone you will never forget?yyyES83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?nope he doesn't really care about me anymore (although i dont think he ever did) 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?BICTH ID BE KISSING THAY THOT ALL OVER HER FACE AND WATCHING SAW AND VORING PIZZAEVEN DUDE HHHHELTS WATCH SAW 3 AND LAUGH AT THAT DUDE BREAKING HIS LEG AND THWN I CAN HUG YOU TILL I DIE FROM DEHYDRATION 85. Are you over your past?i ggggUess??? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?i have no idea 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? @lady-misfortune @space-ace-sneevee @thelilshadowchild88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?what has been has been but i guess idk yet bc ive had like 1 bf for now 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?never kissed 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i guess???????? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?i sure as hell have no idea92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Michael Jackson and I are best buddies bItch93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?noPe94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?i was in a relationship with my laptop and i didnt leave him from 7pm to 6am 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?he a dicky 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?bicth fucjing prettiest people youll find97. Who do you have texts from?crissy gorl that im too lazy to reply to98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?happened to me and i said "glad u told me earlier i dont want u being with me if u r uncomfy" it did hurt like a fucking bitch doe99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?bitch never kissed 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?me, myself and i101. Ever kissed under fireworks?NEVER KISSED FFS102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?IN a jar nicely packed and handed to me? no but stomach butterflies so bad i wanted to throw up? yes

[maskmakervega]

A bit of alcohol still left in me, went to plague and it was pretty empty so i just experimented with the bartender on a bunch of wierd shit.  There are a lot of things i’d like to discuss with X, or even just say, but she is so sensitive and unable to see straight, that any level of contact would make things worse... i think she will need to hate me to move on.  Here i am talking about her needing to move on, i do see the irony. The fact of the matter is that i am further along the “im over you” trail than she is, by far.  I have the advantage of initiating the breakup though, it was not mutual. I think i would first try to reclarify my points, about how I myself am fundementally broken and not suitable for a long term relationship (being demisexual, that means really any relationship).   1.) I am a being of chaos, which sounds more fun than it is. I wish I could describe what its like to feel that burning passion one day, and the next day get so irritated that i legitimately wish x would just break up with me. Other times i’d feel that passion so strongly that it would drive me higher, and then some bullshit drama would occur and i’d feel the pains and stresses so deeply that *poof*... i’d “blow a fuse” as i call it, and be emotionally dead for days, unable to show that im feeling anything, and not entirely sure what i actually feel. Spans of time where everything is great, then one bad day sets everything on fire and the walls come crashing down. That was our relationship in a nutshell, it was as chaotic as I was. You’re only as strong as your weakest link?  When we were good, we were great. When we were bad, we were terrible. There was no middle ground, it was all or nothing. 2.) X has no ability to see things from a “logical” perspective, when it comes to me. This has many layers, but i suppose we can break it out like this: 2A) X’s absolute best friend in the world, and roommate, is her X that she was with for 5 years. She said the breakup was mutual, but considering the fact he tried to hook up with her shortly after the breakup, and many times asked why she was with me and not with him, indicate he was still in love. The “if you’re not in a relationship with me, then you need to move out” ultimatum lends weight to that too. However, that isn’t all his fault, she doesn’t understand that you can’t be best friends with an X that you grew that close to, because its ridiculously unfair to them. She went on week long vacations with him, multiple day road trips, concerts, weekend trips (all while we were dating), and he’s not supposed to get mixed signals?   She never saw this though, she never understood.   It put a huge strain on the relationship because he didn’t want me over there, and if i was there, I couldn’t hug her or even cuddle up next to her. The whole thing is ludicrous, i don’t know how or why i put up with it. 2B) After all the breakups, and our friends/family seeing just how badly we affected each other, it is easy to see how our loved ones would begin to hate and distrust the person they perceive to be hurting us.  That part she gets. What she doesn’t get is that when EVERYONE, literally everyone, thinks its a terrible idea for you to be with someone, that you would be alienating yourself from them just to appease the other person. That is something i couldn’t get past. It would have been one thing if she put in any level of effort to get to know my family and prove she wasn’t a psycho bitch (met my parents twice, a 3rd time in passing, within a year and they live 10 mins away), but that effort was never made because of her fears. I would try to hang out with her friends and they would either cancel plans, or the other group of friends just hated me too much to even want to get to know me.  Did i mention that 4 of her 7 best friends, were in love with her and actively tried to sway her opinion of me? Now that 2 of those 4 have girlfriends they want nothing to do with her... odd. 2C) Hypocrisy. This was a steady thing, because she never got how hypocritical she was being.  With the roommate situation, i’d see his girlfriend maybe 2-4 days a month, for like 10 minutes each time. This is a person i knew for almost 15 years, and had sex with a handful of times when we were both depressed and trying to feel normal (no chemistry, no attraction to her).  X would get super bent out of shape any time this person was brought up, and always be the same arguments, yet it was absolutely fine for her to live with an ex of 5 years, go on vacations with him, be besties teeheeheeheehee... “it is so different” was the answer i’d get. I have another friend who i on and off talk to, for about 15 years, we sometimes go years without talking, but we can get in hours-long, really interesting conversations. I had romantic feelings for that person years ago, but it never went anywhere and we’ve never actually met. The same thing, because i had some kind of connection, i was supposed to stop associating with this person... she never got the hypocrisy (until it was too late). 3) Horror movies, some music, and food. That was the extent of what we had in common. I am very much into the paranormal, occult/other dimensions/existential theories, big topics that can go on for years with the right person, and she seemed to have no interest. Truth be told, she never really told me her passions and never wanted to get into it. Any time we were together it was just a cuddle party, and we’d sit around getting fat together, eating and watching movies.  That’s good once in a while or a few times a week, as long as you exercise, but i tried on several occasions to exercise and she’d usually find some way to snake out of it and then i wouldn’t bother.  We had very little to talk about, and when i instituted “talk for an hour” mondays, she seemed to be fighting just to get to the end of that hour, like super anxious to just start watching movies.  Was i that boring, was i that repellent? If so, wtf did she see in me? 4) dishonesty: after the breakup she stopped going to therapy, and refuses to go. she doesn’t want to talk to a stranger, but she also won’t tell her friends all the details because she was lying to them about us being together.  This really tore into the relationship that last month because she was spending more time with those friends and less time working on making sure we were doing ok, and saying she needs to focus on them (2 of those 4 or 5 people no longer hang out with her because they have girlfriends). She couldn’t try and get us to hang out, she didn’t want to be judged, so she lied. That puts me into the forced position of needing to lie as well, and i absolutely hate lying. We all get to a point where an unavoidable fight closes in, but we have a secret we need to time the release of information for, but not when you’re coworkers and not when its numerous people. Leading us to... 5) we work together, closely. This makes things really, really fucking uncomfortable because she is super emotional a nuclear warhead during an argument, which she has no qualms about having over the work chat. It makes it impossible to work effectively, makes chat messages that can’t be deleted, linger around as grim reminders, and then there is drama that other people pick up on.  It is a bonehead move to date someone you work closely with, and i should have known better.  She understands, or at least says she understands, that this is one of my non-negotiable points of why we could not get back together, but she seems to have forgotten that as of valentines day. 6) Explosive temper, says mean shit during it.  She has a lot of freudian slips, that and/or she says intentionally mean shit when she’s frustrated. After a breakup she would, at work, rattle off every insult to my character that she could think of.  Telling me i’ll never have a meaningful relationship, that i never loved her, that i’m a piece of shit, that her friends are right, that she made a huge mistake in dating me, etc etc. She’d then play it all off like it never happened, but a lot of what she says, she meant and either didn’t know it, or just tried sweeping it under the rug.  7) back to me, i am not positive of what i want. I’d think about moving out, and where i wanna go, and i want to try and buy a shitty but livable house and work on it for the next 10 years.  Entirely livable, just needs minor work that can be done over time.  She is the kind of person that could not deal with that, she is a “i need a $300k starter home” kind of person, has very expensive tastes. I was always torn and it would cause me problems, when i thought that far into the future because i wouldn’t want to commit to buying something with her and thinking the relationship might fail and problems arise... very logical given how many times we broke up.  on the other hand, i wanted to start off in an apartment together, but it would need to be one that one of us could afford on our own, should the worst happen.  That didn’t foster “confident” feeling about the relationship, always feeling a contingency plan was necessary. Yet... through it all, i still love her very deeply, and wish there was some way for us to be happy together.   It would require too much change to take place, we would have to be different people.

[seouliloquy]

I feel like the universe hates me.

I didnt get the need-based scholarship this semester. I went in to find out what the deal was and they said since i already got it twice they gave preference to other students who didnt get it yet.

Which makes like no sense cause everyone knows that without selling yor body its impossible to earn full tuition by yourself in Korea.

I mean i chose this path so its my fault and i should have prepared to pay the whole thing from the beginning right? But stupid me, relying in my advisor's recommendation letter to help me out I naively assumed i could safely earn half of it during the summer vacation and be okay.

I made the mistake of making this assumption and treating myself to a new workout outfit. I mean i've been exercisig a lot too and making decent fitness progress top so i deserve it right?

Then i find this out.

Which means i can apply for the tuition payment in installments...but that still means that somehow, magically, i need to increase my income by 800,000 won per month to make the payments and still manage 6 major classes.

And then i go to pay my health insurance today and at least get that taken care of because if i'm gonna be killing myself to survive this semester i better be able to pay for my likely hospital visit.

Speaking of which i still havent gotten my eye exam or blood test that I was supposed to get in uh...March....i'm sure my doctor thinks i left the country. But i need the discount on my tests and prescriptions....when i eventually get around to getting them done.

And O is just like "quit the jobs you have now, and stop playing soccer. my friend worked in a bar in Itaewon for 9,000 per hour and she even got tips i will ask her about it"

Okay, 9000 won per hour, in Itaewon, sounds sketchy to me. I dont trust it. Also that means late hours bartending and no tume to study and quitting the single thing i do that makes me happy anymore and having so social interaction with anyone anymore. Also i hate itaewon. Full of greasy scumbag men that will follow me and bother me and i dont even want to breathe the same air as them. And my current sandwich shop job is great, im the best employee and my boss values and respects me. The problem is i cant get more hours from him.

And my taekwondo and soccer classes are done as of today because they dont match up with my class schedule this semester. All of my classes finish at 5pm

She says "just try it this way" so easily. She has a 4.1 GPA and got full paid scholarship this semester and last semester. She hangs out with her friends all the time. She works enough to give herself pocket money and buy stuff online all the time and spend her entire life in the study rooms but she complains about gaining weight while eating chocolte and ramyun noodles all the time and hates exercising. Thats fine on her, she can do what she wants with her life. But for me, being active has helped me so much. Because its part of who I am, i was active my whole life and being a sedentary miserable student has been my downfall into depression and weight gain and more health problems.

I had signed up for a 7km marathon with two korean friends and their friends as a group and now i'm considering selling my ticket to extra cash.

And then to make everything worse, my ARC card is missing and i need to pay my health insurance. If i wait 3 weeks for a new card i'll have to pay for august, september and October all at once and i'll have no coverage until then and who knows wtf will happen knowing my luck.

O isnt planning on going to grad school. She's gonna get married with her bf and live haplily ever after doing who knows whatever. I need to go to grad school. My degree (if i even manage to finish this shit) is useless otherwise. All my time abroad and time spent studying will have no value as an American who can only speak English and decent Korean. I have no other skills except food service. I will graduate with no research or lab experience because my university sucks at having these kind of opportunities (for foreign students) and i will have no time to even volunteer or do an internship because i will have to WORK to survive.

And everyone is like "just take a semester off" like Koreans just dont get it at all and it drives me nuts.

I'm half ready to just pack up my shit and leave forever and just give up. I am just SO exhausted. Everytime anything good happens to me or I do one little thing for myself or makes me feel good (i completely regret going out for chicken and beer after work yesterday) shit like this happens. I'm tired of constantly having to find another job every 4 months. I'm runnig out of adaptability HP.

I just want a real break, for once. Like today os the last day of summer "vacation" and i'm not even excited or nervous about starting the semester but rather freaking out about how i will survive.

I'm not willing to quit my sandwich shop job because it gives me almost unlimited free food and it has so far been the most positive working environment i have had in the almost 5 years i've lived here. And its close to home so no commute cost or time...but getting more hours is the problem.

[cyjprojectarchive]

blurry | bambam

prompt: inspired by bammie’s instagram selfie hot dayum could i not contain myself, so i made an imagine abt it B) here it is if ya wanna get attacked by our bamchinja. c;  group: GOT7 pairing: bambam, you genre: fluff words: 3185 note:  sorry theres so many spelling errors its currently 3:18 am and im tired as heq ill edit this tomorrow thanku ㅠㅠ

“Dude, you got this.”

“Yeah, well, what if I don’t? Our asses are on the line here,” Bambam’s worried tone reverberates from your phone’s speakers. You have it on loudspeaker mode because you were in the mood for some mint chocolate ice cream. You just got home from classes today and boy was it scorching hot outside. 

“Yes, you do. And no, they’re not. You’ve been practicing nonstop for this comeback, Bam, I think you have it all down by now,” you repeat a little louder than usual as you open the freezer and take out the pint of sweet and cooling treat. 

Setting it down on the kitchen counter, you cap the lid off and start digging in with your spoon. “And why are you so nervous? You’ve never asked me advice on how to handle stage fright ever since we knew each other,” you comment through the melting of your favorite dessert inside your mouth.

“Are you eating ice cream from the pint again?” He suddenly asks, a tone of amusement lingering in his voice. You automatically hug the thing of ice cream closer to your stomach, eyes peering at the phone resting near you. “How’d you know?”

“Just a hunch.” You can just hear him shrugging smugly.

“You wish you were here,” you retaliate, scoffing as you take another scoop. You make sure he captures the sound of you scraping the soft and gooey substance of sweetness. You know you should be encouraging him right now, but teasing the boy you’ve known for quite a while now is always a treat in its own way. 

“I do. I do wish I were there,” he agrees somewhat seriously. You’re unsure whether he was talking about having ice cream or something else, but you brush it off, not wanting to think about such complications right now. 

You put the spoon down and attempt to bring the previous conversation back. “Really, though, Bam. You’re going to do amazing, as always. Don’t worry too much about it, alright?” You tell him earnestly. If Bambam had never asked for any reassurances with you before, maybe this time he really needed it. 

A slight pause occupies the air until you hear him exhale shortly on the other end of the phone call. “You’re right, you’re right. That makes me feel so much better. Thanks, fam,” he answers with a hopeful tone. 

Shaking your head, you protest, “No problem. And don’t ever call me ‘fam’ again, fam.”

“Would you like to be called something else then, hmm?” There he goes, back to his usual zany self which you can’t help but blush about…

Did Bambam just make you blush? 

“I would like you to call me when I’m not busy enjoying my ice cream,” you tell him, going back to eating your lunch for the day. 

“You didn’t even start eating ice cream when I called you in the first place!” Bambam interjects and you soon chuckle at his predicament. You hear a few conversations bubbling up in the background, even recognizing Yugyeom’s whining to one of the hyungs, maybe Jinyoung, you’re not quite sure.

You move your position to the couch, setting down your phone on the coffee table. You hear a distinct voice referring to Bambam and he responds, but you’re too focused on your ice cream to eavesdrop. 

“I have to go in a few. What’re you going to do afterwards?” He finally addresses you. You ponder his question until you realize you’ve forgotten something really important. 

“Shoot! I have a major presentation for my History class tomorrow!” Spoon hanging in midair, you slowly place the ice cream pint next to your phone, feeling guilty of even opening it up. 

“And you haven’t started on it yet,” Bambam muses. You groan in agreement and slap your forehead lightly. “No, because I thought it was happening next week.”

“Too distracted with me, huh. I have that effect,” the boy on the other end suggests, a smirk almost evident in his voice. You laugh mockingly, but the anxiety in you keeps rising. “Guess I have something to keep me distracted while you’re performing,” you conclude, probably feeding his ego even more. 

“That’s good, then, at least it’s not another guy,” he jokes and you roll your eyes. “Whatever, snake,” you shoot back. 

“Anyway, I got to go, we’re shooting in a few,” he tells you, almost begrudgingly. “Hey, I really appreciate you answering the call.”

You smile at his genuine reply. You rarely see this side of Bambam whenever you guys are together, or even just talking on the phone. You feel a sense of warmth in your heart, and you honestly don’t know what to make out of it. But you don’t let it get to you- not yet.

“Of course. You know I’m here,” you mutter softly. 

“And me too,” he chimes. Another voice, presumably Jaebum, informs him about getting ready, so you anticipate Bambam’s good bye. “Now I really need to go. I’ll message as soon as possible.”

“For sure, Bam. Good luck! You never fail to do your best,” you add, making sure he’s still reassured. Bambam thanks you again, and the call ends.

Now, onto cramming that damned History presentation.

Adding a few finishing touches here and there, you finally have a decent 10-slide presentation for your class tomorrow morning. Stretching your arms upward, you let out a relieved sigh, yawning in the process. Making sure that the file has been saved to your laptop, Google Drive, and USB, you turn your laptop off and trudge your way into the comfort of your bed. 

The digital clock on your nightstand reads 11:24 pm and you feel quite proud for completing a procrastinated project before the day ends, roughly speaking. You ease your way into the duvet, grabbing your phone to the side for a late night session on a few of your social media accounts. 

You go to your Messages and remember Bambam’s call from earlier. You wonder whether the performance was a success- it probably was, and Bambam just had cold feet, but you already texted him two hours ago complaining about History being your worst subject ever and how lucky you are it’s your first class of the day. You type a new text, informing him of your success nonetheless and hoping he had a fun time today as well. 

Before you can hit the send button, a chat bubble appears on Bambam’s end first. Your eyes widen at the screen and your lips part in surprise. 

“What the…” You utter under your breath, hands suddenly sweating at the sight of your phone, Bambam’s selfie showing on the bright screen. You squint your eyes to confirm what you’re seeing is right. 

You hit backspace on your keyboard and type a new message with quick and shaking thumbs. 

Wrong number, headass. 

He reads it immediately and your heart skips a beat. Your eyes cannot seem to focus on anything else other than the blurry selfie of a jet black haired K-pop idol. You find yourself mesmerized at his cerulean contacts and drawn to the straight and full pink lips. Breath hitching, you mentally urge yourself to stop giving in to your thoughts. 

Undeniably, Bambam broke every puberty challenge out there, and not a day goes by without you reminding him that- much to his satisfaction. But you complimenting him was always out of good faith as good friends, nothing more and nothing less. 

However, recently, things have been a bit blurry between the two of you. It doesn’t help that his constant teasing makes you more conscious of the type of relationship you guys are slowly developing. 

And this selfie isn’t helping.

lmao what do you mean that is supposed to be sent to my best friend

You share a room with Yugyeom. Just show it to him in person lmao

not himmm, my OTHER best friend. u. anyway, like what u see? ;)

WTF are you talking about, you never send me selfies before??? 

aww is it that bad, b? :,( it’s just a lil smth to motivate u with ur presentation. hows that going for u, btw?

Again, with the weird ass nicknames, Bam lmao? And you’re just a few minutes too late bec I’ve finished, but thanks for trying.

Also, no, it actually looks really good. :)

pshhh u like itttt bb ;) oh, hey thats great. u should go 2 sleep by now.

and really? don’t play me, bb :,(

It does! Your face is blurred, so it’s perfect.

wow bye

You chuckle to yourself at the playful conversation. Typical Bambam, but you still can’t help but be confused at any underlying message of all this. Or maybe there’s not any and your mind is just running irrationally due from the emerging crash of the caffeine. Maybe that’s it.

You think of sending him a meme- of himself, might you add- until he follows a new text. 

blurred like our relationship, right

Dropping your phone to the side, you bring a pillow pushed to your face and scream into its plush surface. You feel the heat coming off of your cheeks, chest heaving in and out as well. What was that all about? Has Bambam been aware of the unusual tension you, yourself, have been feeling towards him the past couple of weeks? Why is he speaking up about it now?

that was stepping out of the line of being corny. i’m sorry lol

You notice that he was trying to play it off cool, but now that you’ve gotten a signal from him acknowledging the uncanny stage of your relationship right now, you wanted to go all out. With Bambam, you need to know whether he’s serious about this or not. 

You retreat the pilow away from your face, flustered at the suddent flight response you just pulled off. You certainly cannot be this embarrassing once you confront him, that’s for sure. But realizing you might have been absent for a while, you gingerly take a hold of your phone and type a new message with a plan. 

When are you free, Bam? 

You need to discuss this to him in person. You need to see it in Bambam’s eyes. You see the typing animation show on and off as he’s probably contemplating on what to say to you too.

i’m free for a few hours after our morning radio interview

Perfect. I’ll meet you at the cafe near my university at 12. Sounds good?

yeah yeah ofc 

Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, Bam.

you too. uhhh good night?

Good night to you too, Bambam. :)

“Headass, over here!”

A guy in stylish clothing, together with a black cap, black sunglasses, and black mask whips his head towards your direction. His tall stance and sense of fashion already singled him out from the lazily dressed college students surrounding the cafe right now, including yourself.

You end up sleeping three hours later after your conversation with Bambam, different scenarios of your meet up today forming in your head, some with good outcomes and others unspeakable. You couldn’t believe that you were able to set up a “date” with him with the intention of confessing the uncertainty you have in regards to affectionate feelings towards him. 

He walks over to the corner of the quaint little shop, a cold drink already in place before his seat. You don’t see his expression quite well, seeing that his whole face is covered with different kinds of masks, but you hear him chuckle as he relaxes in front of you, inspecting the drink shortly. 

“You know me too well,” he finally says, lowering the mask to his chin so he can take a sip of his favorite drink. You grin at your accomplishment, chugging the iced coffee you bought for yourself as to keep your nerves from taking over you- which was ironic since you’re gulping down more of what keeps you shaking right now.

“How was the interview?” You ask nonchalantly, watching his every move. Bambam glances up at you and nods his head, “It went really well. More enjoyable than your presentation, that I could say.”

Glaring daggers at him you counter, “Shut up.” He cackles at your response, and then the two of you instinctively easing into your normal conversations of mundane stories and brutal banters, almost forgetting about the original reason of you meeting him here.

But you didn’t mind, not one bit. You missed his physical presence. Just seeing a hint of his crinkling eyes from the shade of his visor is enough for you to feel comfortable around Bambam. He genuinely is the best person you know. You both never have to think twice about saying something potentially wrong, because the other would just use it at their advantage but at the same time turn it into an inside joke between the two of you. 

There was something that he declared which made you stomp your hand down the table in rejection. He chortles at your dramatic expression and casually lays his hand on top of yours. Your face quickly realizes this as you retrieve your hand back to your sides, squeezing it tight to stop it from trembling at the sudden contact. 

Bambam notices your discomfort and coughs awkwardly. “Sorry, sorry. I ruined it, didn’t I?” He admits, looking down in frustration.

“No, no, Bam it’s not that,” your attempt in fixing the matter at hand was futile, and you wish you have more time to stall, more time to just have mindless fun with the best guy friend you’ve ever had in a while. 

But seeing that your stomach churned and jumped in itself after a simple touch of your hand, you had to tell him how he’s made you feel. Or else you’re going to go nuts.

“What are we, Bambam?” You blurt out, eyes fixating on the empty cup of beverage sitting idly on the table. “And don’t make it out as a meme, ‘kay? I’m asking it seriously,” you follow up with a scrunched face, making sure that Bambam knows you’re done with fooling around. 

You peek at his face and he seems to be smiling shyly, hand that was once touching yours now scratching the back of his head. You find yourself wishing you never took it back. 

Shaking your head, you whine at your inner frustration. “I… I think I like you, Bam. And I don’t know why I’m saying this now but recently, you’ve been saying weird stuff to me that gets me all flustered and red and you can’t see that because we haven’t seen each other in a while, but when we do I try to suppress it just because I don’t you to think I’m weird or something like that but our conversation last night messed me up big time, and now I don’t know if suppressing it is going to help anymore and I just -”

You stop yourself from losing air in your system as you inhale and exhale. Your hands have been clutching themselves tightly on your lap and you let go to feel the blood pumping again. You’re afraid to look up and see a confused Bambam staring at you, but before you can contemplate any further, you hear a soft laughter resonating from him. And it wasn’t that of mockery, so you slowly turn your head to reveal a blushing adolescent boy before you, hands covering his eyes under a pair of expensive sunglasses.

 “Aw man, you beat me to it. Why do you always do that to me?” He complains cutely. You titl your head in confusion. 

“I was supposed to confess first. Do you know how ashamed I feel right now?” He takes his hands off his eyes as well as his sunglasses and you finally see his eyes. Glistening in hope and anxiety all at the same time, but the beauty in them never left. You are taken aback, but you try and keep it together as he gulps down and stares right back at you. 

“You always beat me to things, but that doesn’t mean I won’t confess anymore. Yes, I’ve been trying to get your attention more frequently because I’ve… developed feelings for you, and I didn’t know how to handle them other than be more annoying than usual.” His assessment of the situation makes you giggle, and it prompted him to keep going. 

“I was really happy I got to talk to you when I was feeling hella nervous yesterday. It made me confirm my feelings for you and that you make me comfortable in whatever situation we’re in. The selfie I sent you last night was just me trying to see if you kind of feel the same way, and I honestly didn’t know what to expect from there.” He brings his hands on the table and plays with them mindlessly, biting his lip as he looks down. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel frustrated by the way I’ve acted, I’m just a dumb adolescent boy who doesn’t know how to handle his feelings well. But I was honestly really glad we got to hang out today, you know I missed you a lot. So, I’m sorry if this ruins everything…” he trails off, seeming to want to say more but his tongue prevents him from doing so.

You keep your eyes on him, not exactly knowing how to respond correctly. He gives you a full minute to contemplate on your own before he looks back up at you, pausing with his hands and smiling sheepishly. “Any response from you would be great right now.”

“Shoot, I’m sorry,” you say, lips in a tight line. You think for another few seconds before finally making up your mind. “C’mon, let’s take a selfie.”

“W-what?”

“C’mon, Bam. You have a better camera than mine, so go get your phone!” Your tone was firm but encouraging at the same time. He hesitates for a second but complies nonetheless. You scoot next to him, your arm slightly touching with his. You falter a bit, but you feel Bambam relax with your touch and you smile as you move in a tiny bit closer.

He positions the phone at the perfect angle and you see him trying out a few different expression before his thumb presses over the button. Your smile grows wider at the sight of him assessing himself, but you quickly peck the soft surface of his cheek and beat him to taking the selfie. 

Without waiting for his response, you snatch the phone away and inspect the picture. Content with the image, you show him the screen. 

He looks at with his eyebrows furrowed, but immediately understands and reveals a goofy grin. You nudge his elbow playfully before resting your head on your shoulder, already feeling at ease with your position.

“Not so blurry now, huh?” You ask him. He pats your head in response and squeezes your shoulder reassuringly, the touch of him making you want more.

 But for now, this is enough.

[roses-and-oceans]

So I'm kinda debating writing this out but I decided to anyway. On and off, I've been writing posts about how I'm feeling and then deleting them. Its become sorta cathartic but I just don't seem to do it that often anymore i keep things inside. I wish I can put things under cuts on mobile because gosh darn it I don't want you all to go through a wall of text and it not be a fic. I mean I know every one's going to ignore this and no one cares but hey, I'll give it a go before I fall asleep. Hopefully I feel better after writing this. EDIT:I feel miles better! Honestly I would have never gotten this off my chest if I did not write this. I feel... Undeserving. Undeserving of many things and people. It was an apparent issue, I realized, when I wanted to write fics. I thought I was selfish of me to indulge in something so pleasurable. Just reading fics made me happy but if I also wrote things, then I'd just muck it up and be hunted down like, "hOE DARE YOU. YOU ARE SO SELFISH.WHY" And its not that fic writing is a bad thing!! Its just I'm not allowed. Like everyone can have fun except me because I'm not worth it, I'm not allowed. Why? Goodness knows. I still feel like that sometimes. Like no one will read it, but then there'll be this witch hunt for me, asking for my severed head on a stick. And that's the case for most things. I try to make myself small, quiet. For the sake of not disturbing others, not getting in the way, not ruining things. So that way I don't have anyone hate me. And I guess that's why I'm the way I am. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be disliked. I mean this modern age its not possible LOL but still I try my best. I make myself moldable and flexible for the sake of others. I try not to breathe around them as much so as to not disturb them. Also another reason why I am the way I am is because I was actually hated when I was younger. I know, "get over it" lmao, and in some cases I am. But being hated by so many people, kids and adults alike... And no one did anything to stop, to see me, to wonder why. Ehh. C'est la vie. I guess the "lessons" forced upon me had stayed. I was taught that I ruin everything, that I was useless, stupid, fat and ugly. And honestly back then I just shrugged and continued reading my books. But I guess I didn't block everything out haha! And so I've always thought I was insignificant. That I was merely here. I've never actually thought about my future, so Ive never gone to college, not really sure what to do career-wise. A lot of friends in high school were like, "yeah everyone had to do this thing for college we went to councilors and and now we're all set! :)" and I was like WAIT WHAT LOL WAS I ABSENT THAT DAY WAS I NOT PAYING ATTENTION WE HAVE THE SAME CLASSES BRUH But I guess I just thought I wasn't worth the extra effort so I really didn't pursue anything I didn't ask questions. Because I thought I wasn't worth it. Thinking about it, its really stupid. Like hello!!! I'm supposed to go out there and get what I want right?? But then I think why? And no answer comes because I don't see myself succeeding. I graduated high school, and right when I left, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I've never thought I'd live a long life. I just don't see it. Like what am I going to be doing??? Not much probs lol. I see myself as a background character, a stepping stone to another ledge. I don't see myself as particularly special. Kinda don't mind it. Like really I'm just here to enjoy food and music and video games until I can't anymore lol. I guess you can say I don't see myself. Also, another reason why I don't think of myself is because I feel I'll get too greedy. I don't want that I am so terrified. I do not want to be entitled and snobby. I'd rather go without so some one else can have things and it's just... Ahhhhhh. I don't want to be greedy. Its a really big fear of mine. I guess I don't talk to anyone about it is because its just so... Frequent. I already have one person who just is sick and tired of hearing it, bless his soul. He has a saint's patience and lord knows its been tested. But I see it getting shorter and shorter and I just revert to making myself seem better, like hi hello yes I am function ing quite well today. I don't think I'm worth the stress. And its not that im talking his ear off and stuff like I'm not like DROP EVERYTHING AND FOCUS ON ME I NEED U TO MAKE ME FEEL BETER. Because I don't think I am he says I don't talk enough. But its whenever I bring up the topic the convo gets shorter and shorter. He's lthe loveliest person he is amazing. He is such a good person!! Just I drive him mad sometimes lol. Im afraid of being manipulative. I don't want that either. I don't want to harm anyone like that but I'm afraid I am. I don't want people or things to cater to me. I think one of the thing that got to me more recently was my birthday. I know, lmao, bitch it was like two months ago get ooovr ittt. Its just. I'm grateful for the good times in between the bad, but it was the most miserable birthday of my life. Things were so chaotic, so heart wrenchingly sad, that I felt I wasn't going to be able to celebrate. Like I felt I was going to be erased. Friends were there, which was really good! Family... Not so much. I guess it comes with being the oldest. Haha I don't think I even had a cake or anything lmao. Honestly I don't care but I had loads of fun with my friends. But i guess its just the fact with everything going on, I was placed in the way way way back. Haha how selfish of me; things come up!!! And its okay!!! Just my birthdays have always been like that and if even the universe is like "nah is just a regular day" then it kinda just sticks to me that my bday isn't really worth it. I also feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Like even though I'm doing everything right, every single thing written down I'm following it to the T, but I'm still failing, still doing things wrong, still not getting any where while everyone is succeeding. And so I will be labeled as an idiot, stupid, useless and hated for it and banished, like I was so long ago. I feel like after reading this, people will actually hate me lol. Like people are like OMG U ARE SO STUPID WTF and just walk away. Like I'll be alone. And I guess?? If that were to happen?? Idk... I have a list of things to remember. Number one is "be kind too myself". HA. I wrote it so I won't feel like this haha, but oh well. Its not working so much anymore. I feel like I'm creating a sob story, like Boohoo bitch you think too much. Eh. Well its getting late and I should sleep. I'm so sorry if anyone has read this mess. Im not looking for pity or anything. Ijust wanted to get this out without disturbing anyone. Well I guess by posting I'll be disturbing... And I promise: I AM OKAY!!!!!!! SRSLY!!!!! if anything its just hormonal, I've been on my period for a few weeks now haha. But if any friends do stubble across this, I'm okay. Just sad and tired. I just need a nap and I'm good. Writnf this was really helpful and I was able to get what I wanted out and if I were to actually talk to someone,I'd probs stop myself and not talk about everything I just did. I wouldn't have gotten this weight lifted off me. If you stuck around haha thank you if not I hope you all have a lovely day. If I don't have a very good day, I hope yours is infinitely better!