#its my body. my disability. my limitations. i think i know it better than they do

[idyllic-affections]

invisible disability? it's rather visible to me.

summary. baizhu knows the struggle of maintaining a job while being chronically ill; as such, he is willing to offer an accommodating work environment for others who struggle like he does.

trigger & content warnings. angst (at first... it gets better i swear /lh), ableism, etc.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. hurt/comfort. baizhu & chronically ill!teen!reader, qiqi & reader. 1.7k words. they/them pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. he's out of nonplayable prison ygs!!!!! can't wait to see his character stories for..... personal reasons..... anyways i want to specify that i am chronically ill. i am constantly fighting with my genetics to be healthy, its ridiculous LMAO

imagine baizhu employing a chronically ill, visionless teenager.

baizhu can easily say he's known their family for a long time, so he of course knows that they have trouble keeping a job. they often mention little things like that about their life during their visits with him. never once has he found anything wrong with them; they're always in virtually perfect health.

that doesn't change the fact that they're very clearly struggling. he's observed just how much they overexert themselves in a desperate attempt to actually keep a stable job, simply to help support their family, but all the exertion only seems to make their invisible issues worse.

also... they've been in his care for heat stroke more than once in liyue's warmer seasons. the heat is just far too much for their body to handle if they aren't careful.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

Their voice was so quiet and whispery that if Baizhu hadn't been attuned closely to them at that moment, he might have missed it. They half wished that he would have. Based on the brief glance he spared in their direction, they knew he was listening. Oh well.

"I mean... really. This is ridiculous," they murmured, knees drawn up against their chest. "Everyone thinks I'm just dramatic. I'm not. I do fine for the most part, but then it just... gets bad for no reason at all... how am I in perfect health?"

By that point in their rant, his undivided attention was on them. Though his gaze was thoughtful, musing, they interpreted it differently and winced slightly.

"...Sorry. I really shouldn't be complaining like this in front of someone who's chronically ill."

"No, it's quite alright. You shouldn't minimize your pain. Your struggles are as valid as mine. I find your trust, your ability to confide in me, quite endearing, even," he reassured, unbothered, to which their shoulders seemed to lose some of the tension they harbored. "In fact... I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Chronic illness may show itself in a variety of forms. Sometimes it may show itself in the form of your symptoms. Would you like to learn how to manage your energy better?"

the liyuean doctor basically hired them right then and there, but they don't really realize that for the first few weeks.

in the beginning, they're just... spending time at bubu pharmacy, learning how baizhu manages his own limited energy and applying those techniques to their own life (it works shockingly well). that's all!

it slowly turns into them helping out where they can—packaging herbs, learning what exactly each one of them does, delivering prescriptions to those who cannot physically get the medicines themselves... even when people start to question if they've found a new job, they remain oblivious.

it's one day while helping mince herbs that they realize they're basically a junior herbalist.

A soft hiss left their lips when the knife nicked the pad of their finger. They were quick to put pressure on the little cut, pulling their hand away from the countertop to prevent any blood from dripping onto it.

"It's best to get rid of those herbs," Baizhu reminded, stepping away from his own work to gently bandage their wound.

A small pout graced their lips. "I didn't get any blood on them, though..."

Amusement and the vaguest hint of fondness twinkled in his gaze. "We don't know that for certain, do we, now?"

"...Wait a minute." Their eyes narrowed suspicously at him, drawing their freshly-dressed hand back once he was done. "This isn't about energy management anymore, is it? Have I been... I've been working here this entire time. These tasks are very employee-like."

"Come, now. Don't look at me like that. You were looking for a stable job, and I am more than willing to accomodate your needs."

"You could've at least said something to me. I've been doing free labor all this time, and as a child, no less! Hmm... now, I do believe that is illegal in this part of Teyvat~ It'd be shame to get Ms. Yanfei involved~"

in the spirit teaching them to manage their energy, he often takes them on house calls with him, starting off to just homes in liyue harbor and later to homes all the way in qingce village. it's a good way for them to gain stamina and get a better understanding of their job.

baizhu has a tendency to smile through his own pain for the sake of his patients.

this habit slipped by unchecked until [name] came around.

whenever they feel like he isn't doing very well, they'll take over for him regardless of what he has to say about it.

herbalist gui is very thankful for them—baizhu hardly ever listened to him, but he does take better care of himself for [name]'s sake.

(he swears that baizhu is oddly parental when it comes to them, but he wouldn't dare mention the doctor's blatant affections to his face.)

"welcome to bubu pharmacy," they'd greet with a kind smile after unceremoniously shoving baizhu towards the back of the pharmacy where he could rest undisturbed, "unfortunately, dr. baizhu is currently out of commission, but herbalist gui and i would be glad to take care of anything you may need."

sometimes changsheng can be seen wrapped around their arm! usually it's their dominant arm, which is terribly inconveniencing. still, it would be an honor to be Chosen™ by their loved one's pet... if only she wasn't so mean to them.

"Hmph. You're terrible at cutting herbs. It pains me just to watch."

"Okay? Go back to Dr. Baizhu then? I'm not holding you hostage, Changsheng. You came to me," they huffed. "Also... maybe I'd be able to cut better if you weren't strangling my dominant arm. Just saying."

It's a few moments later that they're sulking, murmuring curses as Baizhu disinfected their fresh snake bite. Changsheng completely neglected to apologize until Baizhu had prompted her to.

(They would complain that he found that incident a little too funny if anyone were to ask them. It really hurt, you know!)

changsheng bullies them lovingly <3 she bites them affectionately <33

(not that she'd ever say that, though. baizhu knows. he just chooses to let her believe he doesn't know.)

qiqi becomes very attached to them very quickly, i think. she'd like having a nice older sibling around and would address them as such without even thinking about it. "jiějiě," "gēgē"... she can't really tell what gender they identify closer with and doesn't remember to ask, so she tends to bounce between the two terms of address.

she has an entire page in her journal dedicated to little things about [name] that she deems to be important. she notes down things they seem to like, things they seem to dislike, their birthday, other important dates, defining features...

she also keeps important warning signs related to health episodes of their's jotted down, like how when [name] stands still a little too long, qiqi should urge them to sit for a moment because they're probably either dizzy or having vision issues, or how when their hands begin to tremble, qiqi should share a sunsettia with them.

she does miss these signs sometimes... she does her best, though! qiqi only wants to help the sweet junior herbalist that braids her hair and accompanies her on her herb-picking trips and hugs her and says "i love you, please stop this task, you might get hurt" with so much genuine affection that it often overwhelms her :(

it's rare, but sometimes, there will be a customer or patient that has little tolerance for their disability-induced weakness or slowness.

because their illness(es) is(/are) invisible, very few people take their struggles seriously.

some people take this as an excuse to verbally and even physically abuse them.

baizhu does not take kindly to people abusing his employees, especially not his chronically ill teenage employee. especially not them.

"Is there an issue I can help with?"

They didn't mind being the only one at reception during the days Herbalist Gui was out, Qiqi was herb-picking, and Baizhu was otherwise occupied. It wasn't a big deal, really.

At least... not until someone particularly impatient decided to make their job difficult.

Baizhu never took kindly to such incidents; this one was no different. Based on his tone of voice alone, it wasn't hard to guess that he was livid, golden irises alight with rage. Even Changsheng had hissed in their defense at the sight in front of her eyes.

He'd come back just in time to see them flinch away from the raised hand of some foreign adventurer.

"This one—"

"And who said I was asking you?" he scoffed, sliding behind the counter and checking them for wounds. They were shaking, he noted, gingerly supporting a fraction of their weight in case they were to collapse. "I was asking my herbalist, [Name]."

Baizhu was a man of patience and, really...

He wasn't all that confrontational. Despite that, any semblance of the supposed cowardice he harbored was gone in an instant.

His scarred fingers drew soothing shapes on their upper arm as he led them into the back of the clinic, guiding them to sit on one of the beds before their legs could give out.

"Are you alright?"

baizhu takes very good care of them after stressful encounters because he knows very well that such high-stress emotional experiences will take a toll on their body.

whenever a wealthier patient comes in, they've learned to overcharge them on purpose even if it's for the most ridiculous of ailments; oh? you say you have been sneezing quite a lot and are having a hard time breathing? no, no, it's not springtime allergies, who told you that? it's quite dire, in fact, and the treatment price will be awfully expensive... oh? you'll pay it? wonderful!

^ herbalist gui says that baizhu is a terrible influence on them sometimes.

in their defense, they get hefty bonuses every time wealthy people pay ridiculous prices for typically rather inexpensive herbs (like a certain ginger harbinger did one time! they still giggle at the memory of him paying so much for so little). the more wealthy people pay, the bigger their bonuses (fatui harbingers are very wealthy...).

simply put, they make more mora than the majority of their family put together because of this morally dubious behavior.

baizhu, gui, qiqi, and [name] are a chaotic found family but yk what? they all make it work <3

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[bulldagger-bait]

Went on a date and they were like "I'm sorry you're disabled". My first thought was to get frustrated or feel patronised, but, that doesn't get us anywhere. So i thought about it and tempered my reaction, and what I came to was this: they're sad, but I'm not!

I understand the impulse to feel bad about my life situation. I get it. It sucks. Like objectively. It bums me out too sometimes.

But im not sorry I'm disabled, I'm happy I'm alive! Im happy with disability, not in spite of it. It's a part of my life. I can no more be miserable about my disability than I can be about getting a bad haircut. It's a part of me and I can either live with it, or I can suffer. If those are my options i choose live with it. Its really that simple and drastic.

Disability means pain, yes, but pain does not mean suffering. I am in pain every day of my life, but I do not suffer. How does that work? I live my life. I live! Isn't that wonderful? I am alive and I have a good, privileged life! I have friends. I have community. I have family. I have passions. So long as i can find the good, I am not focused on my pain, and if i am not focused on my pain it cannot consume me, and if it cannot consume me then I cannot suffer.

My disability is just another thing that is part of me. I don't look at what I can't do. I look at what I want to do, and I find a way to get there.

My life looks different from an able bodied person's life. It just does, and it always will. It's going to be different. I can either embrace it, or I can be miserable. I can either live with it or i can suffer.

I choose to embrace it. I choose to live with it.

It wasn't easy to do so, don't get me wrong. I was miserable for such a long time. I wanted to die; I wanted to die so badly. I thought there was no worth in my life and that I'd never be worth anything. But that's not true.

My life is beautiful. It's not exactly what i wanted for myself, and yeah, if i could wave a magic wand and be in a perfect body... I wouldnt even hesitate to take that option. But that's not gonna happen. So i look at what I have, and I'm so grateful to have it in the first place.

I could be so much worse off. Im fortunate. Im lucky. Im an immigrant success story. I live in a better land. Im happy here. Im well integrated. This place is my home. My country looks after me. I dont want for food. I dont want for shelter. Thats amazing. So if I can look at the little things that im grateful for and build from there...

I dont have all the abilities i want. I will never have everything I want, no matter how simple it may seem. So instead, I will be grateful for what I do have.

Im not sorry i'm im a wheelchair! Im happy! How many people in the world dont have a wheelchair who need one? Im fortunate to have one. My wheelchair is freedom. My world opened up when i got my wheelchair the same way it did when i got my licence.

My life may be sad to you, but its not sad to me. And if its not sad to me, then its not sad! You dont have to feel sad for someones disability. I think its natural to want them to be able to do the same things you can, or to achieve the same things you can. I think you should foster that desire into finding ways to help bridge the gap between what someone can do and what they cant. Access is how you bridge that gap.

Feeling sad for someone with disability is a natural empathetic response. I think its wrong to shame people for it, but it is worth it to redirect their thinking. They are sad for me, but its because they can only see limits. But disability isnt about seeing limits, its about finding out how to move past them.

My life might look sad to you, but you dont know what i can do. You dont know how far ive come. You dont know what my life looks like beyond my disability because you've never been shown that. Its not a story thats told. And i dont mind showing you that theres more to my story than what i cant do.

So, i dont mind if someone tells me theyre sorry im in a wheelchair. Im not. Lets get past that impulse of empathy, and have a real conversation. Because you'll see that i'm not sad. I have a rich life and im happy. Once you can see all that joy, the wheelchair becomes secondary. Of course i'm happy, my life is good.

The wheelchair. The disability. Its set dressing. Its the stage my life takes place on. We cant ignore it. Its there. But it is not so big that it robs goodness from my world.

Am I happy about having my disability? No. But I'm not sad about it. Not anymore.

And that is going to be true about any other disabled person you meet. We dont need pity, because our lives dont warrant it. We dont need you to feel bad for us, because there is no need to feel bad. Its just life. Thats how it goes sometimes.

Once a disabled person's hit the acceptance stage, there's really no need to offer them your sympathies anymore. Be happy with them in their life, however that looks.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Office disability culture is so fucked in environmental science and fieldwork. Like the mindset that to do the job you have to be in perfect physical health or you should just quit. Like I'm not talking about something that is 100% physical labor here, everything is mostly achievable with aids and you don't need to be able to do every single thing. But there's this weird like..pride..that my older coworkers have. They work out in the gym and brag about how many reps they did. They tease each other for having medical issues. They don't ask for accommodations because they fear that their legitimacy will be hurt. That it means that they can't do their job anymore. That they won't be TRUSTED to do their jobs anymore. That it will get taken away.

So they FURTHER hurt their bodies by not resting, not taking breaks, not using ergonomic equipment, not using safety equipment. Not drinking enough water. Not using mobility aids when they are so old that it's supposed to be acceptable. They don't use the scooters at the grocery store, they don't use their handicapped placard, they don't use knee pads or compression gloves.

And here I come in, 24 years old, looking perfectly healthy. And I use walking sticks, I sit down a lot, I have my care bag, I have a ton of gadgets for making fieldwork more comfortable, I have boundaries and limits, I wear braces and knee pads and compression gloves. I use my handicapped placard.

They react in one of two ways:

1. How DARE I. I'm so lucky to be young and no one sees THEM having to do all those things (literally nothing is stopping them but pride). Like old man if you need a break take a fucking break. I'm not going to hurt my health to make you feel better about hurting yours. I'm not risking a flare up to spare the 65 year olds feelings. Im gonna take my break and use my equipment cause my boss doesn't care as long as the work gets done. I'm tired of glares from 100 year olds making themselves struggle across the parking lot when they could also be using the fucking scooter. (I never take the last scooter, there's always another available. Also it's not my fault if walmart only provides 2 scooters for the whole store).

2. It shows them its okay. Its okay to need aids. When I first showed up at my job it was very...macho..everyone was afraid of seeming old (theres probably only 3 of us under 30 in the whole department, most people are at least 50, mainly 65 year olds). Then they saw me using my walking sticks, taking my medicine openly, bringing a chair with me when working away from my desk, using my TENS unit. I overheard one lady ask her granddaughter what fibromyalgia was (apparently she had spotted my pain tracking journal).

My older coworker with a bad knee got a walking stick like mine and beamed when she showed me. The grandmother uses a cane and a walker interchangeably and more often. I get asked where I get my little portable fan and pocket heaters and special clothing. Even abled coworkers are doing it. My coworker who's younger than me sets alarms to take breaks now just like I do. People seem more comfortable using things that help them now.

My boss has really struggled. He has a lot of internalized ableism and hates thinking of himself as crippled. He spent his whole life physically active and strong and all these health issues and overexertion are catching up with him. Like he did environmental testing in areas with fucking radon. He did work where they threw asbestos around like snow for fun. He's done a ton of really hard physical work. He grew up with the mentality that pain was just something everyone has to push through. But I think seeing a young person make the choice not to push through is helping him a bit. He wants to make his own walking stick, he goes to the doctor more. We bond over having constant medical issues and I even gave him the name of my surgeon. Yea he still says stuff like "shoot me if I have to use a wheelchair" (not as much anymore since he now knows I use one) but he's getting there.

Yeah so I've had this in my drafts for a bit and I wanted to update that my boss has been walking around with a fucking broken ankle for the past couple of weeks. He thought it was just arthritis pain and eventually couldn't take it anymore and went to the foot doctor. The doctor has no clue how the fuck he's been walking on it. Now he has to wear the boot and he's banned from fieldwork while he heals.

Older people and the elderly need to learn that it's okay to not push through the pain and ask for help. Everyone needs to learn this, and not be like my fucking boss. Go to the doctor, get that sore joint checked out. Get those tests done. Use that aid. Stop walking on a broken ankle just because you can.

[schrodingersauthorii]

Fanfic idea: Matoba gets deaged, experiences the healing power of the Fujiwara’s parenting kicking and screaming

Hnnng, brain just spat out the best Natsume Yujincho fic idea. I have peaked, nothing will ever top this theoretical fic. I will labor in vain for YEARS trying to squeeze out a fraction of its potential.

Context: I am a believer in Animal Transformation Fic supremacy, of course I gotta figure out how to turn SOMEBODY into a cat, and Matoba is target #1 since it’d be funny because a) he likes cats and b) he has a canonically acknowledged sweet tooth and cats can’t taste sweet. Okay. Whatever: I have an incredibly hand wavy premise about a failed magical assassination attempt and cat hair, and a somewhat shaky logic to put cat! Matoba in the Fujiwara house.

Then, I realize: what if I had the same exact plot, except Matoba got deaged instead?

*slaps roof* You can fit so much angst and exposition in here.

Things I could put in this bad boy:

+ Older Natori, teenage Matoba interaction- My take would be Matoba remembering the one (1) meeting with the kimono, and then adult Natori swooping in to save his ass after the attempted assassination. So a total role reversal, where Natori is suddenly leagues ahead of Matoba. And Matoba can’t conceptualize the fact that *he* should also have seven more years of experience, so he naturally assumes that Natori was just A Really Good Exorcist Prodigy that quickly outstripped him because he’s so much better than deaged! him. Natori is, of course, squigged the hell out about that. It is completely unnatural for him to be idolized by *Matoba.* And also why didn’t he notice all these red flags for trauma before. He is a *baby,* why did anyone let them near exorcism at that age?

+ The eye stealing yokai still sees deaged! Matoba as clan head, and attacks him at Natori’s apartment. This has a lot of political ramifications, but also a lot of emotional ramifications, since Matoba *knows* that if he’s clan head, then his father and likely several other older relatives are dead. My take on the Matoba clan head is that, due to the extreme risk and probable high turnover rate, much of the actual political power is actually somewhere else in the clan. I get the impression that Matoba is a bit of a mover and shaker- more active than this theoretical body would probably like. Whether they were involved in the assassination plot or not, they’d benefit from an even younger and less experienced clan head. So Natori is highly motivated to keep Matoba’s survival and deaging a secret until they change him back.

+ Of course Matoba is injured. This is *fanfiction,* is it not? So we have fifteen year old Matoba suddenly seven years in the future- people have just tried to kill him, the eye stealing yokai came after his eye- therefore his father is dead, he has no contacts besides Natori because of the known conspiracy to kill him and being seven years younger than everyone expects, and now he’s (temporarily) half blind and with disabling injuries. (For plot convince, just bad enough to limit mobility and require assistance but not for hospitalization or to be too difficult to explain.)

+ Because Hiragi needs to be able to drop him off at the Fujiwara’s because someone broke into Natori’s apartment and she didn’t know where else to go.

+ Natori and Natsume don’t like it, but Madara’s much stronger than most shiki or exorcists, and nobody would think to look for Matoba there. They take the gamble that the Fujiwara’s will let Natsume’s friend stay without much explanation, and they do.

+ Matoba: he’s not my friend, he just feels obligated to help. Touko: oh, so this kid is TRAUMATIZED traumatized, just on the other end of the spectrum. And possibly on the other spectrum.

+ Same age Matoba and Natsume interaction- Matoba’s inability to communicate and befriend anyone like a human being vs Natsume’s inhuman inability to not befriend everyone, fight. Natsume would feel rather conflicted about it, but ultimately decide that he can’t hold things Matoba hasn’t done yet against him. I think that Natsume would tolerate a lot of the things that drove teenage Natori away for longer, and that he’d pick up on the cues Natori missed because he never looked pass the surface. They’d get down to their core differences a lot more quickly, and I think that deaged! Matoba would concede much more quickly than later series Natsume under the circumstances. What’s he going to do, when Natsume, Natori, and the Fujiwara’s- the only people he’s interacting with, the people helping him at his most vulnerable- are all telling him the same thing?

+ Fujiwara Shigeru and Touko and teenage Matoba: I have absolutely no doubt that they read every book on the psychology of troubled teens they could get their hands on, and they are READY. There’s nothing Matoba can do to shake them, and he has try his absolute hardest or else his entire worldview will shatter. But biting wit and rudeness doesn’t phase them, nor do admissions to cross dressing (canon! The chapter isn’t translated yet, but apparently that’s a thing!) and liking the male actor Natori Shuuichi. They. Are. Unflappable. He has to drop the ayakashi bomb to prove that The Unsighted Can Never Understand, and He Is Fundamentally Unlikable. Does not work: the Fujiwara’s tell him that they already knew, but not to tell Takashi since they want him to come to them when he felt ready.

+ One last hurdle: the whole assassination, deaging thing? *22 is still a baby.* There will always be room at the Fujiwara’s house for traumatized babies forced to grow up too soon.

+ (Takashi is Not Happy. But he can’t make a big deal about it because Matoba’s having an actual breakdown because There Are Truly Good People In This World After All and technically the results are all things that he wanted. But there IS a reckoning eventually. Cool motive: still a massive breach of boundaries.)

+ Nyanko-sensei and Matoba: Matoba absolutely *loves* him- he’s one of the ceramic cats that he literally obsessed over, and he enjoys the fighting. He just fundamentally doesn’t understand why Nyanko-sensei and Natsume haven’t gotten a ring and made it official. This is actually one of those core values differences: Natsume and Nyanko-sensei see not having a contract as a sign of trust and respect, while Matoba is a “tell the gravedigger that he better dig two” kind of person. This is an… interesting combination with the Matoba clan’s history, and helps explain part of why he’s Like That. You’ll never break a promise if you set people’s expectations low enough. + Natori gets roped into the revelations party; exposes the conspiracy; and tracks down the spell that went wrong. There’s a heartfelt conversation about how Natori isn’t the person Matoba thinks he is because he’s fifteen. Matoba resolutely Does Not Believe Him. Natori (accurately) comes away thinking that Matoba has a teenage crush, and resolves to ignore it. He’ll get Matoba back to normal, and he probably wouldn’t even remember anything so it’s not worth worrying about.

+ Gonna have to see where the manga goes, but if canonical events favor it, this is where Matoba would get kidnapped by Ban and his sister. Either to further their political agenda, or out of twisted familial duty a la ‘we can’t trust these outsiders to keep you safe, so we’ll abduct you ourselves.”

+ Spellbreaking! Butt kicking! Politics!

+ Matoba does, in fact, remember everything when the deaging is fixed. He has Conversations with Natori, with Natsume, with the Fujiwara’s about it. He’s genuinely regretful about his actions against them, but he exists within a Horrible Exorcist Society and he’s realistic about that. He offers Natsume instructions on self-defense techniques AGAINST exorcists, no recruitment offer attached. + It takes much longer for Matoba to tell Natori that he still likes him- has always liked him. Natori’s ready to throw him in the lake by the time he gets through all the disclaimers and caveats about what their status and duties would allow them to do about it. “Have you ever seen a conflict of interest statement from an exorcist? No? It’s because nobody cares! Make out in a sealed closet or secluded worksite like a normal person!”

+ My head canon is that the Matoba clan head can’t just break the cycle by giving up an eye: the eye stealing ayakashi would just kill him, and go after the next person in line’s eye as long as the Matoba clan exists. There are very big limits to what Matoba can do, but he does make an effort to tone down the cut throat pragmatism. Small ripples are already forming in the world of exorcists. Happyish ever after?

[atley01]

This disability pride month, I'm left with conflicted feelings.

Whenever I post about disability-related things online, I always try to give my community optimism and hope. I know how much suffering can result from having health issues, and sometimes, you just need a break from dwelling on it. I want to provide fellow disabled people a break from the slippery slope of doom that dwelling can lead to.

But the more I do that, the more that I fear I'm showing an inaccurate representation of disability. That I am painting an image of disability to be something "struggle free all the time and nothing more than a 'unique character trait.'"

Being disabled isn't easy. You're living in a world not meant for you. And you get reminded of that every day. You might think its easier to mask if you're able to, but all that does is dig you into a deeper hole. Sure, I can suppress my tics. Sure, I can mask my autism. Sure, I can try my best to hide my POTS symptoms. I can act like my tinnitus isn't giving me headaches and making it difficult to function in society. I can act like my chronic pain isnt making me want to collapse to the floor. I can pretend I dont need a mobility aid.

Sometimes, though, you arent given the choice on if you hide it or not. And then that whole facade tumbles down. And you're left feeling a mix of embarrassment, shame, and anger. Embarrassed to be seen like that, shame that you may need help, and angry that your body did something against your will, again.

I started working 7 months ago. The first 3 months, I was so happy and proud of myself for being able to have the privilege of holding down a job. By the 4th month, I had some doubts about how long I could hold my job down. Here I am, 7 months in, and Im realizing yet again that I am not as able-bodied as I expected myself to be. The thought that I may have to find a less physically demanding job terrifies me. I feel immense shame for struggling to handle a part-time job physically.

I think what really solidified this for me was when I passed out at my job last month. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but the fact of the matter is I blacked out, and I didn't get to decide I "wasn't going to." That scared me. Or maybe what solidified it for me was when my tinnitus prevented me from being able to understand customers and coworkers. Maybe it was when I had to mask and suppress a tic attack to the best of my ability. Maybe it was when I touched something that triggered my sensory issues, and I was simply too busy to regulate myself, so I had to spend my time dissociating to forget the feeling.

When you're young and you're disabled, it's difficult to be taken seriously. People think you're being dramatic, or they think its something you're doing to be causing all the health problems. "Have you tried changing your diet?" / "It's growing pains." / "Your leg hurts? Did you bang it on something?" / "Give it a few days. You'll feel better." The search for accommodation and validity is made even harder when doctors refuse to listen. Sadly, the medical system is not immune to being abelist. You can't request accommodations if doctors document you as able-bodied.

I have never claimed to be a voice for my community. I am a voice for nobody but myself. Maybe in sharing my Expirences, someone else can feel less alone. Or maybe this is unique to me alone.

Am I proud to be disabled?

I think that in some ways, yes. I am proud of what I have accomplished in spite of my health. I am proud that I have found tools to manage my health. I am proud to say I am a part of an amazing community such as the disabled community, and I am proud of what we've accomplished.

I dont think I am proud of the abelism, shame, or pain through. Im not sure anyone could be. If you are, I truly envy you. I am proud that despite the pain, I push forward. But I wonder if that's an unhealthy habit to encourage. To push my limits and ignore my body, screaming at me to give it rest.

This disability pride month, Im reflecting on my health and how it affects me, and taking the time to be patient with myself. Because Im doing all that I can, I do not need to hold myself to the standards that able-bodied people are held to. That is an impossible standard for me to reach.

Im going to celebrate the small victories. This time last year, I was passing out multiple times a week, and I overall had more tic attacks. Now, my fainting has been almost non-existent, and my tic attacks- while they do still happen - have noticeably been less frequent.

If you made it this far, please be kind to yourself, and happy disability pride month. You are allowed to be upset by the things your disability puts you through. You're doing the best you can. I see you, and Im proud of you.

[wingedshadowfan]

some basic ya/fantasy/romance tropes that fourth wing took a spin on, imo (spoilers)

-weak and dainty female character trope - while violet is physically smaller, weaker and gets injured easily, we find it's due to a disability she was born with and there are two main ways she goes about this: she trains hard to become stronger, wherever that's possible, and also uses disability aid (because isn't that what Tairn's saddle is? the shorter daggers too, to some extent) which i think is so important and much better than her refusing that aid/never getting it in the first place, she takes no shit from characters who look at her like there's something wrong with her but she also knows her own body and its limitations

-the demsel in distress female character trope (similar to the one above) - because of her physical disadvantage and her lack of preparation for the riders quadrant, violet gets saved/protected by others in many situations and even gets accused of "hiding behind strong men", but as the book - and her training - goes on, she begins to stand her ground more and more, earning herself the nickname "violence" and making up for any physical shortcomings with intelligence, stubbornness and fervor, hard work, skill and good character (the reason why tairn and andarna both chose her, the former giving her a crazy op signet), so much so that she ends up single-handedly offing the guy who accused her of not being able to defend herself

-the enemies to lovers trope - unpopular take but violet and xaden were never truly enemies! despite it being marketed that way. at least not on xaden's part - his dad didn't kill brennan and he's known this (him responding with "hardly" when she said they were even when they first met at parapet), we don't know if he knows this but while lilith did "catch" his dad, she was against forcing the rebellion children to watch the executions too. so violet basically started off as a nuisance to him (she was never strong enough to be a problem - he thought the parapet would end her for him if need be), after watching her for a while - seeing the mismatched boots, her collecting berries, flinging the daggers, choosing to keep his secret, poisoning people, defying all odds - he even made sure the other marked ones wouldn't try to kill her either, which he easily could've just stood aside and let happen, because she became interesting to him, again through intelligence, skill and kindness, and the (mutual) interest and attraction developed into feelings; on her part it was a bit more difficult because she knew less and felt like everyone was out to get her, her most trusted people had warned her about him so she naturally kept thinking he hated her and wanted her dead - but other than him moving her squad to fourth wing on parapet day he'd made no moves indicating he wanted to harm her and had consistently been helping her instead; they never hated each other personally because they didn't know each other and when they really got to know each other, they just found respect and admiration for the other

-the good guy/bad guy/good girl love triangle (though it's usually more of an angle or a choice the girl needs to make) - in the very very beginning i was rooting for dain because i love childhood friends to lovers and i thought running from the riders quadrant could be a turn the plot takes for violet, i also personally didn't see myself finding a guy who wanted me dead all that sexy (even less considering his dad killed my brother), especially when he's apparently a cold blooded murderer, emotionally unavailable and generally quite threatening, but i am well aware there's a specific demographic who would eat the dark moody ripped bad guy up and leave the "boring" soft cute nice good guy childhood friend in the dust - that's a trope i despise and i'm so glad that here a) violet fully acknowledges, despite being physically attracted to xaden, that he's toxic and she shouldn't like him because he can't meet her emotional needs. and i don't remember characters from other books with this trope being so delightfully intelligent and self-aware (which is important because otherwise you're basically selling young girls the idea that this is okay and that unavailable, dangerous, messy men are hot and you can fix them - violet doesn't even try to fix him, she sets a firm boundary and forces him to fix himself and get his shit together if he wants her!) and b) it turns out xaden and dain's roles are actually reversed, with dain being much more toxic, manipulative, hypocritical and crossing boundaries he shouldn't be, while xaden is more supportive, attentive and caring, protective but not coddling, and while he's not ready to admit a lot of things to himself just yet, he's got some self awareness going for him too and he's sworn to do better (so rare in such books)

[tpup]

not sexyposting this is me being heartbroken and gay

typed up a draft so long tumblr will probably crash if I upload it. feeling so complicately heartbroken + used + miserable while also loving her so badly. seeing no way for me to bear being in her life and this being my worst nightmare is ripping me apart every second relentlessly.

I want to be truly appreciated and I want to find someone who will convince me I'm going to be cared for and that I can be happier than I was with her, but also feeling like that's an immensely irresponsible thing for me to initiate anything based on right now.

I want someone to fill the sexual needs she never fucking tried to meet for me, but I know I'm going to be thinking of her so much that it feels cruel and gross for me to seek that. Not fair to the other person.

Distractions don't help though, and that terrifies me. If it's true that only time will help, that feels like a death sentence. I don't have money. I owe people already which is a position I NEVER let myself be in. No one dangerous, just medical bills and college and a relative. But I grew up in a bad home and I am someone who has a deepset need to not fuck myself over! I yearn for stable ground more than oxygen. I want to be rich and safe and able to do what I want. But I've been broke my whole life and never able to make a cent. I'm disabled despite me trying so hard to take care of myself and be strong, my own body kicks its ass in ways I can't rise above. I need money to improve more than this and not for lack of trying I have never been able to hold a job, and I haven't found any actual work in years. I've been begging and making deals with financially abusive people to survive. It's horrible and I just want to be like, what's considered the bare minimum for someone my age, I want a chance to be independent.

I can talk forever! About feeling bad and wanting things, and what limits or prevents me. I like tangible things. I don't want to be in my head. I don't want stasis in misery, ever ever, unless that stasis is necessary you know? I want to be better always. I'm so ambitious and I do think I can do great things but it's like, I'm 23 and haven't held a job for more than a few months, I haven't had work in years, I've failed out of school twice now, I got dumped by someone I wanted to marry, shit just does not work out for me even when I give my all, and it's fucking scary! I keep trying, I'm continuing to try, I know giving up makes it worse.

But it's soo hard asking for money or a place to stay or a shoulder to cry on or just one more chance over and over. People get sick of it. People give up on you. It makes me question my worth. I know I was dealt a shitty hand and that doesn't mean I'm a lost cause or not worth love- but having my partner leave me when I was starting to finally get closer to stable footing? Some nights it's really hard not to die. I can't stress how ripped apart and distraught I am at losing her.

This was supposed to be a short quaint and considered post! I'm not tired but have cried and been awake longer than a body should.

I love you all very much, thank you for being here and sweet and vulnerable and brave and sexy. Trans people are the saving grace of this world, you're beacons in my life, I really mean that. I've talked to more angels here than I think I've met throughout my life; we are so raw and yet we can look at each other and see that the other is also bleeding and we extend our hands. I love that. It's all there is at the end of the day, people being brave enough to express want for love and see each other.

[freya-fallen]

Post-Rumbling Levi and Disabled Darling (AFAB)

When he sees you, he sees a reflection of himself.

He's worked hard in the years since the Rumbling to recover a modicum of strength and dignity. He uses a cane now, no longer bound to the wheelchair, so that's something. It took longer than he'd care to admit, the rehab to make the change.

You, on the other hand, seem far more delicate. He thinks you may have been born with a weak constitution. He doesn't know the cause to your mobility issues, but you seem so delicate, the way you take breaks whenever you've walked more than ten feet, how you need to sit, the dizzy haze that overtakes your eyes when you stand.

"Could I get some of the Silver Needle?"

You come once a month to refresh your tea supply. While you've bought your share of black and green and blended herbal teas, the pure white seems to be your favorite.

"An expensive tea," he comments in an attempt to create conversation. He's terrible at that.

You nod. "I like how lightly caffenated it is, and I've heard it's good for the heart." Your voice is soft, sweet, and almost hesitant at the end. "Oh, and the chamomile lavender, please."

That's another you replenish regularly.

"Have you tried Valerian root teas?" He wants to know more about your condition, and this is perhaps a socially acceptable way to do so.

You shrug. "It makes me a little too foggy, and it can cause problems with-- with my heart."

He's aware it can cause arythmia in some people, and it can slow heart rate. Based on what you've said, he assumes that's the main cause of your condition. There's nothing to indicate otherwise-- no twisted limbs, nor scars, no blown or uneven pupils, or other signs of head trauma.

You look through your purse, frown to yourself, then glance at him abashedly. "Maybe just the Silver Needle tea."

He eyes your appearance quickly. It's not difficult to discern your lower economic status. Levi wonders if you're able to work, given your limitations. You could have an office job, something where you sit the majority of the time, but he's learned by now that able bodied people hold a lot of reservations about engaging with those who are not.

And the war wasn't kind, still a looming presence in everyone's memories. Depending on your background, you might not have had it easy before, either. Maybe someone who has lived in Marley longer would be able to tell if you were raised inside the former internment zone or not.

Your clothing is clean, but thread bare, and you look tired. The handle of your cane is well worn by the palm of your hand.

Levi doesn't comment on your change of order, but he does add a small bag of loose chamomile lavender tea, a sample, he could excuse it away as. He packages up everything and bids you a good day, watching as you delicately tap your way out of the shop.

You're much more practiced with your cane than he is, undoubtedly using it most of your life. You take a seat at a little fountain in the nearby courtyard. He's still awkward with his cane-- or maybe that's in his head. He hates the damn thing.

Once Levi overheard you talking to someone. They'd asked if you resented having to use something to get around.

"No," you'd responded. "I appreciate my cane. It helps me get around better, to live a more full life."

"Wouldn't a wheelchair make more sense?"

And you'd laughed, a light, tinkling sound. "Sure, but it's much more expensive. And limited. Not everywhere can accommodate a wheelchair. The cane is fine, mostly."

You have such a pleasant attitude about it, brushing off the inability to afford something that could ease your way along with accepting its limitations.

He likes that about you.

He likes you.

"You should ask her out."

Levi snaps out of his observation and glares at the kid. Falco grins in response.

"You obviously like her," he points out. "She's nice. Just go for it."

Ask you out? He couldn't do that. He hadn't been with anyone since before the Rumbling, and always before it had ended in death. Sometimes death that he could have prevented.

"I don't like her," Levi gripes. "I'm... concerned. I think she's struggling."

That's it. He likes you well enough, but that's not why he stares. It's just that he's worried about you. You're clearly not doing as well as you could be. A girl like you, someone should be taking care of you. You should have a partner, someone to depend on when you need help.

He could just imagine taking over errands on your behalf, ensuring you saw your doctor, making you tea, fighting against the assholes who would trample on you...

[your-subby-creature]

This might be a strange question but I'm curious when you say entirely hairless what's the limit?? Like ok no body hair or eyebrows but also no eyelashes? No nose hair???? Lmao and does the lack of hair ever cause an issue/discomfort?

Not coming from a judgey place. I'm sure you look great regardless!

Hi! This is not that strange of a question actually, I've been asked this more frequently than you'd think! By completely hairless I do mean *completely* hairless. No body hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, no nose hair. I have alopecia universalis, which means that my body *can't* grow hair without it being attacked by my immune system.

I've been bald since before I can even remember, so I can't say how it feels any different to a person with hair's experience, but it has its pros and cons I suppose. The only real "issue" it's ever caused is that I constantly get stuff in my eyes because I have no eyelashes, but it's not super bad when I'm wearing my glasses.

On the more social level, if you will, it's created a *lot* of very interesting situations with people who are far too eager to get up in my business even though they don't know me at all. Strangers approach me in public to comment on my health, I've been publicly prayed for in a food court against my will, all the things that come with growing up visibly different and visibly disabled.

It also makes some aspects of existing as a trans man rather difficult. On the one hand, it reduced a lot of dysphoria I may have had pre-T surrounding my hair, and helps me pass in public better now. On the other hand, there's very little positivity or recognition for transmascs who can't grow hair, and it's rare that I feel seen by even a lot of horny posts about transmascs that don't focus on our genitalia. I'm probably going to make some myself this summer, because I know there's plenty of tboys like me who'd like to see something like that, so keep your eyes peeled.

I commandeered this ask a little, yes, but I wanted to talk about my existence beyond just the "freakshow" elements of it. I'm by no means offended by this ask, I get questions like this and worse regularly in daily life, but I did want to take the time to remind people that those of us who look different often have it impact much of our lives and the ways we move through the world.

Hope this answered your question

-your Creature

[queen-anne-music]

ok no. i'm not done.

firstly, from a meta standpoint of izzy's death representing the dying age of piracy, I can kinda get it.

BUT, hear me out

we didn't need that parallel, we got slapped in the face with it in episode 7 when ALMOST ALL OF THE SHIPS BLEW UP, that was representative of the "death of piracy"

additionally, the same meta-commentary could be made by saying that ed's retirement means blackbeard's death and again we get the death of piracy thing from a narrative standpoint

now by this point it is probably VERY obvious that izzy became one of my favorite characters this season, and I have to acknowledge that some of that is definitely clouding my view of this finale

but

i really, really think that this could have been handled better, don't get me wrong Con O'Neill's acting in his final scene was amazing, and I am so, so happy that izzy and ed finally talked about their relationship with each other, but this show has had crazier things happen then a character surviving things that should have killed them, off the top of my head: ed surviving this season, stede surviving being hanged, auntie surviving a whole explosion, buttons TURNING INTO A BIRD, and of course I think there is something to be said for izzy having a leg amputated!! and somehow not getting any kind of infection from that despite the less-than-ideal circumstances

while i don't think that David Jenkins intentions were to say a big fuck you to older disabled members of the lgbtqia community, this still hurts

also seeing time and time again a character go through a redemption arc only to be killed off at the end of it just gets old

but i have to wonder

maybe this isn't meant to be the end of izzy

here's what I think, recall the ending of season 1 where ed throws lucius off the boat and we were all like HE BETTER NOT BE DEAD, I have to wonder if this is meant to parallel that

i'm not trying to pull a tjlc here, but here's a few other things that don't quite add up that support this theory

firstly, the title of the episode. perhaps I'm looking in all the wrong places but I haven't really seen anyone discuss this? the title of each episode usually plays into the events of the episode in some way (sometimes in obvious ways like calypso's birthday and sometimes in less obvious ways like impossible birds) but I can't really see the connection here? its an obvious callback to stede's mermaid scene but it never really came up in the episode which seems a bit odd

next, izzy was buried on land, this feels wrong for so many reasons (yes I know half the time pirates were buried on land shush), there feels like no good reason to bury him on land, something could be said for the fact that he's watching over ed and stede's inn but for someone who represented the pirate ideal I would have thought they would bury him at sea, which leads me to my next point

buttons landed on izzy's grave again i repeat BUTTONS LANDED ON IZZY'S GRAVE the same buttons who turned himself into a BIRD, magic is canonical to the OFMD universe, and it has been established that buttons is an actual sea witch, they didn't do much to establish the limitations of these powers so it would not be out of the question for buttons to potentially bring izzy back, which maybe he can only do if he has access to izzy's body?

i feel the need to also mention that from a narrative standpoint ed and stede's ending feels a little bit rushed (this could be for a lot of other reasons that have nothing to do with this theory I'm not in denial nooooooooo) but it did feel a little bit interesting that we got the whole scene with ed trying (and failing) to be a fisherman contrasted with the ending of him as an innkeeper to say nothing of stede's love of being a pirate captain (and subsequently leaving all of his crew behind) also there was one other scene that make me think that this doesn't feel quite right, the anne and mary dialogue. while I do understand that it was an interesting look into how their relationship turned sour because they both sucked at communication I have to wonder if it is foreshadowing the downfall of ed and stede's relationship now that they've left piracy? again I'm very happy that they seem to be able to communicate a bit better this season, and that they are happy living what ed would call the simple life, but I'm not confident that this ending means smooth sailing for them

(it also seems a bit odd that ed isn't on the ship to take revenge on ricky? but maybe he needed some time to process?)

i think a solid case could be made to bring izzy back in season 3 if we get one (but they also say denial isn't just a river in egypt and I don't wanna give anyone any false hope)

at any rate they certainly have given the fandom quite a bit of stuff to play with for fix-it fics

[pumpkinspicedmochi]

I just wanted to say thank you so much for making that post on being told to "Just try harder" when you're disabled. It felt so validating to me because my own best friend, who knows of my struggles and limitations, said that to me a couple of weeks ago and I've been pushing myself to try hard and meet these demands like everyone else as a result. It's even worse in grad school for design because of that cut-throat mentality. So, once again thank you so much for your post!

You're welcome! I'm really glad my post helped you.

Honestly I've done that lot too , like trying hard to meet demands and things expected of me because I'm expected to "try my best" but came to the conclusion that my best isn't the same as what they actually mean and expect. Its hard for me too but honestly its best to put yourself and your health first easier said than done and I'm still working on it too. Something that does help me some is to think of it this way: you're the one who has to deal with the repercussions of pushing yourself to meet what they see as trying harder or trying your best , you have to live in this body and you don't need it to be any harder than it is by trying to do what makes them feel better not yourself! but I wish you well on your journey of that too and thank you for your ask. 🙂

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't know what to TW this as, I don't think this is quite financial abuse but there's definite gaslighting mentioned here.

I live at home with my mum, and I'm an only child. She is my carer, as I am disabled, but she is verbally and emotionally abusive at times.

Medical professionals have determined that while one of my conditions may improve (which is not impacting my physical ability), my others will not, and she cannot accept that. She keeps saying if we rebuild my stamina, I could go out and do things every day, and this is not true, and even doing things every other day damages my body after a week.

Now, I do not need supervision all the time, I mostly need her when I leave the house or to cook meals if they need the stove or preparing, so she can go out when she likes - we eat dinner together anyway, with the same food - but I feel like she wants me to get better so she can do trips out and get me to pay for them.

I only say this because if we go out together, she makes me pay for everything, even if she's the one who asked (or begged me to go with her) because suddenly 'she's only there for me' and I must have forgotton that I wanted to go in the first place which is a load of bollocks unless that happens every single time, but it's really bugging me.

I know it seems like quite the accusation, but I'm really tired of it and have no way of truly escaping without becoming completely housebound and limited to unhealthy meals. My only hope is if I find a partner willing to give up their independent life, but it can be hard to do that when you have a parent hovering over your shoulder when not in the house. I got close once but he was abusive in all the ways, worse than her, but she has the same behaviours so that worries me, too.

(also she literally said recently that even if I got better enough that she could get a job and stop being my carer, she'd prefer to keep that quiet so she doesn't have to work as she feels done with that)

I don't really know what this is, I think I'm asking for reassurance that I'm not going crazy and that her behaviour is odd at least - I understand that to her, a full life is out and about every single day, but even if that was my ideal life, it's not healthy for me and there is nothing stopping her from doing those things without me, other than my money. And given I pay for 75% of the bills/shopping/rent, even for things that are not in my name, plus my own bills, she can afford to go out and spend a bit of money on these things (she spent £100 on a bird feeder last week then whined that she was skint and needed money from me, so maybe she just needs to prioritise, but still, not really the point).

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not going crazy and your concerns are valid.

While it sounds like your mom may be coming from a place of optimism by suggesting that your stamina could be improved, it's important for her to understand that it doesn't really work like that and she needs to digest the fact that your disability does have its limits, especially considering the damage it can potentially do to your body to ignore that.

It doesn't sound fair that she makes you pay for everything. It's understandable to be exhausted by this. Considering the circumstances it should really be her paying for these things, especially because they seem to largely be her ideas. Worst comes to worst perhaps splitting a bill (evenly, might I add), but you shouldn't be covering expenses every single time, that's simply unbalanced and exploitative.

Please let us know if there's anything we can to do help you in this situation. It doesn't sit right with me the idea that you're just stuck in this position and I wish there was something I could do.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[itshomobirb]

sorry for the long personal ask (totally ok if u dont wanna answer) but as a fellow disabled freak, i have a hard time informing people of the chronic conditions i have (its like 3 and 2 are tricky to explain and not well-known in my country) bc im often scared they think im "victimizing" or being lazy or they just wont take it seriously since it doesn't exactly "show" on my body but at the same time i kinda need to tell them in case i feel sick and etc. Do you struggle with a similar issue? if yes, how do you overcome it? Is it better to just work/study alone?

i feel for you, anon <3

do you need to tell them the exact name/nature of your disabilities? like telling them about your limitations that are relevant to them, rather than giving your personal medical history. ex. "i get dizzy sometimes and need to sit down frequently" is a lot clearer in what they should expect compared to "i have xyz syndome/illness." i feel like it's very easy to forget that the average person doesn't tend to know about chronic illnesses in general, and they also don't know *your* chronic illness experience. a lot of conditions tend to vary and have slightly different manifestations and severity across patients—ex. with me/cfs, mild patients may be able to work or study, while severe patients may be bedbound and unable to tolerate light or sound, and so just saying "i have me/cfs" doesn't really explain your specific limitations.

i think it also helps that i use mobility aids, and in doing so, it makes my disabilities "visible." i started off with a cane, used an electric wheelchair (until the motor broke 😅), and now im currently working on getting a manual chair. i feel like strangers at least tend to treat me kinder when im walking with a cane or in a wheelchair.

[and-yet-the-daisies-grow]

Tw: weight talk, gender dysphoria, unhealthy weight loss talk, dont read if you struggle with food

I want to lose weight again. The way I am right now makes me extremely dysphoric and pushes me to restrict or fast, and I know I shouldnt. Its not healthy and its not okay. So, Im trying to be responsible about my weight loss, but still pursue it. I am currently slightly overweight, so Im not going to go underweight by any means. I just want to look the way I did before. My thighs are so thick and it makes me feel really, really bad, and my belly and back have rolls. My face is too pudgy and I just feel suffocated by myself.

I know it wont make me look like a man and I know I have to take hormones for that to happen, but I just cant stand being in such a womanly body. Its just so wrong, and its difficult to be around others too, because I just keep thinking about how they see me as a woman. Also, I want it to be a bit easier to bind lol.

So Im trying to be consistent with the amount of calories I consume and eat in a deficit. To be honest, the deficit is too big, but I cant help it right now. I will increase it once I see some changes, which should be in a week or so. Im also doing some workouts which is also making me feel better about my body :) I missed strength training to be honest. I did it for many years but stopped when I quit a sport about 2 years ago. And its nice to start feeling strong again. I want to build faith that my body can change before I up my calorie limit. Otherwise, I know Im going to go back into a binge restrict cycle and I really dont want to do that. I feel so peaceful these days and I dont want to ruin it. I need to feel okay at least for a bit to build my hope back up.

Also, Im finally consuming more proteins :D I started drinking protein shakes and they really do make a huuugee difference in my hunger levels, and I also find that my muscles are less sore than they used to be when I trained without eating enough of them. Stupid of me, I know, but I just felt like I would be a fraud if I couldnt build up muscle “naturally” (the fact that I thought eating enough protein would make it unnatural is fucking hilarious to me rn tbh).

Although, protein shakes are so gross!!! Im getting used to the flavour but jesus fucking christ, it tastes like some weird medicine lmao. I get less of that feeling every day though, so I hope that means I will one day be like “oh goodie a protein shake”. Now Im just like “okay dude, you gotta do it. Its not so bad, just chug it” lmao. At least its not bitter 0_0 Otherwise I would really struggle with it lol.

I have some chronic illnesses and whenever one of them starts to physically disable me, I take a suuuper bitter pill, and even then I have to lowkey force myself to do it, even though I know that I will be in a lot of pain if I dont lol.

[flightlessnotfightless]

I've had this thought for a while and couldn't find if anyone's done something like it, but...

Has anyone created an art installation that's like "a room/house/building designed for women"?

I recently read Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez, and it has me thinking about how much of the modern built environment has been designed by and for men, without major (or sometimes any) consideration for women. This would be an exercise in considering measurements, abilities, psychology and biology of a sample population that doesn't include men.

A quick, simple thing comes to mind immediately: the room temperature in an office might be raised by just a few degrees to be more comfortable for the average woman, rather than the average man.

And now I just start asking quesions.

Are items and signs located in optimal locations so they are accessible? Women are, on average, a bit shorter then men, and our reach is a bit more limited. Can we store objects within reach, or incorporate tools to make these objects more accessible? Are these items in units that are small enough for us to comfortably carry?

Are the handles the appropriate size for our grips? What about the tools themselves? Many injuries are caused by tools that are a bit too large or heavy to be used safely and comfortably. Do those tools require a higher grip strength than we can comfortably achieve?

Does the PPE for a job actually fit a woman's shape, or is it just men's size XS/S?

Is the standard 3' kitchen countertop height actually optimal for the average woman? Are our chairs and tables at comfortable heights and proportions? Would a slightly different proportion to our living spaces ease some of the aches and pains women experience on the day to day?

What might a car designed for women look like? A different seatbelt, that won't injure us because our chests didn't allow the belt to lay properly? A seat designed to better absorb crash shock for a, on average, lighter body? A console proportioned so the airbag is directed at my chest, not my face, and I can reach controls more easily?

(As the book mentions, most car manufactures do not test a female test dummy when they are determining their crash safety. If they say they do, it is usually just a slightly scaled down male one, not one modified to match typical female weight distributions. Yes, I am mad about this.)

Is my backpack a shape that distributes its weight comfortably on a female torso, or is my chest in the way of the straps again, so it's putting strain on my shoulders?

What would a bathroom look like, if it were optimized for women? Is the toilet at a comfortable height? Is the sink a comfortable reach?

We know the way a line forms outside the women's toilets during intermission at a show. What would a true ratio of men's to women's restrooms need to look like in order to not have that line form?

What makes women feel safe? What qualities of a place indicate security, and how do they vary from a man's experience? How can we incorporate this into communities? This very likely varies on a cultural basis, so it is something to examine community by community.

How would it feel to walk into a place that was designed specifically for women? As a woman? Would a man notice a difference?

I don't think a well-designed space for women would actually have to differ so much from a space designed under universal design principles (design meant to accommodate all ages, disabilities, and other factors). But, in confirming that, we definitely need to close some data gaps. It turns out, a lot of things we have barely begun to investigate.

I think assembling a space designed specifically for woman with the research to back it up could lead to some beneficial developments in design.

It would at the very least be interesting.

(A related article)

[hitaka5ever]

I haven't been on social media much for months and I'll explain why here and how I plan on finishing the rest of the year and what my goals for next year are (I will probs forget to do it later, hence why I'm doing it now)

Anywho, my main reason for being away is for my mental health that has gotten much worse since the end of summer, mainly of course to do with the genocide of Palestinians and the amount of information that has been shared by millions. I've kept my eye on the atrocities on and off since it started, getting some info from family, who I visited recently, but for the most part I've avoided minute-by-minute coverage

I'm a very empathetic person. This means I have a strong sense of noticing others' emotions that become a part of me after enough exposure to them. So for example, if someone I know is extremely sad or cries, even though I'm not experiencing their sadness or pain, I get emotional along with them (since I spend 99% of my time with mum, we feed off each others' feelings and physical attributes the most)

So my depression and anxiety are the main reasons for my absence on everything but YouTube and email. I ultimately have to take care of myself before I can worry about anyone or anything else

I'm back to seeing a therapist every other week on Thursdays via Zoom. She's the first therapist I've ever had that's asked me what my main goals with therapy are and what I'm looking for. My last therapist asked the same thing, but we never actually went over anything practical. Right now, my severe anxiety is what's ruining my life the most, so I wanted to focus strictly on that for now. I want to know what I need to do to combat my anxiety in specific situations, like being out in public places

I've brought up before that I have severe hearing sensory overload. If too many physical noises (meaning stuff not on a screen or through speakers) surround me, I get very jittery and weird feeling in my head and body. I have to leave the room when it gets really bad. Normally I can calm down within 5 minutes of leaving the situation, but that's only if I'm in between 2 people talking with each other. It's a lot worse when they're talking over one another. My worst experience was having sound inside and outside my house that surrounded me on all sides. It took ~30 minutes to return to normal after I went into a secluded area to listen to music with headphones on. As you can imagine this is way too much stimulation for my broken brain to handle, so finding jobs out in the real world are very hard on me

That comes to my next bit of information: I'm still unemployed and looking into temporary disability through my therapist while I learn to take control of my anxiety. I have severe PTSD from being bullied in middle school, living with a mentally abusive parent, and having experienced a terrible car accident almost a year after I graduated high school (this was in 2009) So trusting people on and offline (less so online) has made my adult life very difficult. Riding in vehicles to reach a certain destination was the absolute worst symptom of my mental illness from 2009-2021, and even now I get very subtle anxiety knowing when I have places to get to. I'm obviously loads better than I was back then thanks to meds, but now I have employment to think about, which brings on its own problems

Finding jobs that don't include retail, fast food, or talking to people face-to-face or via phone, especially in my shitty small town, is a nightmare. I've tried finding work remotely at home, but there's always at least 1 requirement that makes me ineligible for the job. I want to make money making digital art, but I lack the skills and exposure in a world where even the most experienced freelancers are struggling to make ends meet (bc of artificial images (AI) taking over the community) As you can tell, this gives me very limited job opportunities and I don't know if I qualify for disability on a normal basis rather than a temporary one, so either way I have less than $150 left in my bank and unable to pay my parents rent bc of all of this

But things here aren't all bad. I enjoyed going to stay with my sisters for all of November where they live, getting to spend time with 4 cats and a foster baby (I did get a bad cold the last week of vacation, but that was the only bad thing about the trip) and coming home to have something I haven't had since 2020

We are fostering a purebred Pitbull girl named Stella for the rest of the year. She's 8 years old but still in her prime and we have become best buds (and napping pals) since day 1. This was a trial run to see if she would be the right fit for the family, and so far everything's been going great, minus her ear infections that we're taking care of. Stella has basically become my dog and we're likely keeping her for the remainder of her life. She's the sweetest and most chill dog I have ever met and I fell in love with her immediately. It took her 2 days of coaxing to be used to getting on my bed, with and without me, and she follows me everywhere I go, so we're bonded for life lol

So that's the most exciting news I have to share about what's been happening with me. I get to go into the new year owning my very own dog and learning how to cope with my anxiety before and after it starts, so I'm looking forward to the new year

Speaking of the new year (I'm almost done, promise!) I have a few goals for 2024 that I really want to stick to my guns about

Run a successful Kickstarter making and selling fire-breathing insect and bug stickers

Making extensive reference sheets of my OCs and fan fiction characters (eg my werewolf au and LoZ stories)

Learning (digital) art restoration. When I visited my sisters, my oldest was gathering foster kid stuff when she became a foster parent, and she got a set of Mega Building Blocks that had significant wear and tear. Some of the pieces with stickers on them were faded and peeling off, so I want to remake those stickers, get them printed, and give them to my sister so she can restore the broken pieces for her future foster kids. This gave me the idea of restoring art that has worn down or ruined over time. I like taking electronics apart and putting them back together again and I enjoy the assembly and design of things, so I think restoring physical items could become a potential art job

Learn basic idle animations of characters and objects. A Clip Studio Paint user makes tutorial videos on the official English CSP YouTube channel, and their latest is simplistic animations in CSP, so I want to try it out and offer it as a commission option if I'm comfortable with the process

Cartoonify famous or interesting places from real life, such as cool cities/towns, schools/colleges, or the Seven Wonders of the World, etc

Visit my friends at our homes or going out to restaurants and into town. My anxiety has made being around the friends I've grown up with really hard as well, not just with employment, so I want that to change a lot too

Legally change my name and gender after wanting to for the last few years (Rocky Dean (dad's middle name) Fuller (mum's maiden name))

Look into getting top surgery in the next 3+ years. I'm finally to the point where having breasts is ruining my life physically (back pain) and mentally (dysphoria) so I need to find a surgeon that doesn't require weight loss or hormone therapy to do the procedure

Just do art in general

That's all for now!