#yeah erm actually my gender is all of the above

[hitoshisbabygirl]

Author's Notes ♡: Hey Hey, it’s me, ya girl and I’m back with another collab! Ive always loved the roommates theme and have a few ideas for some other ones in my head making this. It’s kinda all over the place because it was a professing with their friendship! Yes I made a Zelda reference and I land about it no. I know Rapp is seen as violent and dense but but this is in a collage au so he’s just a bit...aloof I just love the idea of him actually being a big softie ʕ⊙ᴥ⊙ʔ. I hope you enjoy! ~ bunny ❥

Warnings : NSFW!!! (◎_◎;)

Sweet caring sorta himbo(meh?) Rappa, female oral, Big Dick Rappa , sorta size kink if you really sqint,cheater ex mentioned like once , language

Word count : About 5k! Yikes ^^’

Paring(s) : Kendo Rappa x F! Reader

Enjoy ♡

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Having Kendo Rappa as a roommate is an interesting feat in itself. He is big, and loud , very very loud. He wasn't a bad roommate he just..was like a cute large and fluffy puppy that didn't know his size...or power. Their interactions started as the two met during a halloween party one of the frat houses down the street thew. [ ] went as Midna, her best friend Rumi was dressed as Impa while the last two of her friend group , Amaya and Asa, a pair of sisters, were dressed as fairies. “[ ]! Rumi! you two are so cute! Zelda costumes?” Asa asked as her sister ran up to admire their outfits. “Yeah! [ ] wanted to do some characters that matched us y'know?” She said as she nudged her quiet friend , the girl jumped and laughed , scratching her neck as she gave the excited sisters a small smile “If i was coming out tonight I was gonna wear what i wanted to really wear” [ ] said as the group of them laughed and mingled with their other friends and classmates. While heading to get juice , she heard loud screaming , as the sport boys were starting to show up. First was the football team, then the basketball. Baseball and wrestling came next, then the smaller clubs finished them out. Sighing [ ] was content away from everyone as she watched mayhem ensure, chugging of barrels , more music, girls swarming around the players they crushed on as they did minor things, like talk to their teammates or eating from one of the big food trays laying around. Feeling a tap on her shoulder broke her from her people watching, Rumi giving her a bright smile as she took a cup and joined her. “How's my favorite antisocial babe doing now that all of the party has arrived?” She asked as [ ] gave her a pained smile, going to get more if something to drink “Well I don't feel the need to smack anyone is that a good sign?” she chuckled as she got a hug from the more energetic girl “That's my girl! Don't worry, i wanna get out asap but we’re gonna need our favourite pair of sisters before that can happen and it seems like they're fawning over some of the baseball boys as we speak” Rumi said as they watched a familiar tutu of blue go by, followed by a pink one going a similar way. “I don't get it… but at least their taste in men isn't too bad” [ ] joked as Rumi agreed , laughing “Yeah miss tsundere, you can't stand saps, or most of the jocks either” giving the white haired girl a look she rolled her eyes and gave her own laugh back “Yeah I guess i'm either picky or just got high standards” “Ain't nothing wrong with that we all do!” She said as she elbowed the girl beside her.

As the two of them sat there and talked Rumi glanced past her and her eyes widened, causing [ ] to stop talking “What is it-” before she could question her, the white haired girl jumped up, waving at someone “Rap! Over here!” Constantly yelling to someone [ ] started to ask again when a booming voice came from above her “HEY RUMI” a very loud voice called as stomping could be heard before it stopped “I see you took our idea huh?” With that comment [ ] turned around only to be face to face with a dark cover chest, only to then look up to some of the most warm and amber colored eyes looking down at her “Hello there little lady, I like your costume! Erm..Midna aint it?” The giant ganon dressed man questioned as all she could do was shake her head in agreement, causing the giant male to laugh “Awe don't be shy of me kitten i ain't gonna bite!” He chuckled some more as her friend jumped in “I told you she was shy! Be nice Rappa!” Rumi yelled at the flaming red head as he gave her a toothy grin “Oh I was just teasin’ , I bet I ain't hurt her feelin’s did I sweetheart?” Rappa questioned as [ ] face felt hot, hiding her face in her hands as the teasing duo laughed causing the girl to huff “I'm tired of you two already” She said as a giant warm hand touched her shoulders “Awe dont be like that hun, in time ya’l love me” Rappa teased as he gave her a smile,making her stomach flutter “Yeah! This is who wanted you to meet anyway [ ]! This is Kendo Rappa, our top wrestling boy, Rappa this is my adorable best friend [ ]!” Rumi said as the two gave each other a shy smile , a sly one creeping up on Rumis as she thought to herself “Yeah, this'll definitely happen”

Since then the two had become more acquainted , having many classes together and sharing some similar friends [ ] was used to the bruting and sometimes dense man making a random ( and loud) appearance. As [ ] sat in her mostly empty room thanks to her last roommate moving out after constantly breaking sound rules and getting into it with the girl downstairs for being in her bed with her boyfriend (Yikes) she felt a sense of calm. Closing her chemistry book and letting out a relieved sigh [ ] thought about the fact she was going to get a new roommate, the thought was nerve wracking but also it was exciting as well. It was almost too quiet , having the last room by the stairs meant she didn't have to deal with many people besides her friend group. They weren't loud , unless one of her friends decided to get laid and made way too many sounds, or if their neighbors under them threw parties or also had...extra partners coming around. She definitely could feel she was sorta excited she was going to have a roommate again. The sisters had a room to the left of her while Rumi had the one to the right, sharing it with a girl they knew from math. The rooms were not gender defined, some girls having rooms with guys and vise versa so it made it easy to get a room.

These dorms were also quite spacious, the walls not paper thin and a large enough area space that could house two or maybe even three people. So when she heard a knock on her door she expected it to be her new roommate she was advised would come today. Happily opening the door she was shocked and almost terrified to see just a box, well actually a few boxed stacked hiding whoever it was behind them. But if the faed rustic orange hair and wide shoulders meant anything she knew her new roommate already “K-kendo?” [ ] said as the boxes walked by her , landing with a soft thud as bangs covered the male “[ ]? Is that you?” moving his hair out of the way their eyes had the same expression, shocked. “Uh h-hey there sweetheart why isn't this cute, we’re roomies hun?” he laughed as she couldn't help but give him a smile back. “I never expected to see you as my roommate” [ ] teased as Rappa gave her a hardy laugh “Well it looks like me and you are gonna be close friends here darlin’!” With a wide smile he picked her up and gave her a tight hug, taking her breath away ‘ Oh boy i wonder how this will turn out’ she thought as she was eye leve with her giant puppy like friend, his eyes filled of joy

Which leads into now, [ ] trying her hardest to read up on what her next project could be. As she sat there thinking she heard the tale tell sound of her roommate entering with some of his teammates, the boys loud and rambunctious as they entered. Feeling a heavy hand on her shoulder she looked up to the towering boy that was her roommate, his eyes just as bright as usual. “Hey darlin, we're just gonna talk up sum strats a for the upcoming match and play some games in the back , is that alright?” He asked with pleading eyes as one of his more cocky and jock like friends spoke up “Well youre the man here, dont let some women say if we cant or can be here” Rolling her eyes and proceeding to stand up and push past the wide eyed boy who knew what was going to happen. [ ] took in a breath before opening her eyes to look up to the boy “Well it is my room, i pay shit here and the man over there didnt get this place, so i do choose who can and cant come through my place” She said as she pointed a finger to the boys chest. Trying to push his luck he pushed back against her finger “ I bet you just haven’t gotten a good enough dicking for you to just stay out of the way” He laughed. Before [ ] could hit him hard enough her rust haired friend moved in , clearly towering the boy “Yer better watch yer mouth, she has her right around here, im invatin her space so watch it before there's no place for any of us to relax without rules” He said as the boy sucked up any laughing and nodded his head in understanding. Surprised by her usually aloof roommate [ ] stood back and went back to her work, the other boys scrambling behind kendo as the boy who tried to challenge her jumped to follow, never making a move to mock or do anything again.

The boys picked back up and were having fun in the back room of kendo’s , sighs and groans when they lost and victorious laughs and screams if someone won. Once they all left and everything settle to a quiet rumble as the last few funneled out [ ] could here herself think, reading up on chemistry as she felt a presence behind her. “ ‘M sorry, i didn't know my question wouldve cause a roar outta ya..” Kendo started as she smiled gently, turning to face the wounded boy “Its okay….guess it just lit something in me i always did y'know?” She said with a small laugh as she went to type again, but was stopped by the hulking boy. “I gotta make it up to ya alright? I know i aint say anythin that he did but…. It feels like my fault y'know?” He admitted as his large hand covered hers. “You wont live this down will you?” She questioned as his eyes flickered up to hers, sparking. “Nope, not at all. Lemme treat ya right okay?” For such innocent words [ ] couldnt help the shiver that ran down her back at his words. Maybe it was because he was so close, or that the smell of his cologne was too much, either way her head was spinning as she let him still hold her hand as he tugged her away from her computer , his smile widening as she reluctantly shut the bright screen “Great! Now let's get something to eat im starvin” He rasped out as [ ] gave him a giggle that made the boy stop in his tracks. He always thought she had a cute giggle but this one,for some reason , made his heart and chest feel warm and tight. Ignoring the feeling he took the girl with him, the two headed out to get something to eat as they headed down , the sound of her giggling still running though kendos mind.

Getting a random frantic text from Kendo wasn't unusual, in fact it was quite common for him to do such, which now didn't faze [ ] at all but this one was...particularly odd giving what he was asking ‘Hair? And messy? What in the world is he up to’ [. ] thought to herself as she headed to her shared room with the boy, nervous of what scene she could be entering.

Sighing after his last text she hurried her way to their dorm room and in fact he did leave the door open, making her more nervous as she entered the living room. “Kendo?” [ ] called out as she heard a gruff sound come from her bathroom. Entering was a sight of its own; towels, a bowl of some..substance , bags and bottles of body wash and a one flustered and shirtless Kendo. “[ ]! ‘M so glad yer home here take this” The large man said as he handed her an old toothbrush that was frayed and covered with the same odd substance in the bowl. The lingering smell from the room eventually gave it away ; shampoos. “Uh why do i need this? And why is there shampoo on a toothbrush” She questioned as he groaned, taking the towel off his head as she blinked owlishly at his very faded red orange hair, the color now more of a neon pumpkin. Shaking off extra water caused even more of his hair to fall, landing between his shoulder blades as he gave [ ] a desperate look. “It wont come out, and the more i scub the more...orange i become. I look like a orange peel” He whined as [ ] figured out what he was trying to do

“ You wanna remove the color right? A bowl of shampoo and body wash isnt strong enough” Going into their kitchen she grabbed some baking soda and lemon juice , coming back to the hopeless boy “Let me mix something up ive used before okay? Then we can proceed with your hair” Two and a half hours later the boys hair was now a light peachy orange, just light enough to take up with bleach “Well, if were gonna go for blonde ill go get some bleach and some masks, deep conditioners too, your hair is definitely gonna need it and I don’t want it breaking off because you're impatient to take care of it” she sighed as he was amazed at his hair, running a large hand through the still damp mess atop his head “Wow yer good” He said as she smiled at him, taking her keys “And you have a lot of hair. I'll be back” She said as she hopped up “Wait! Lemme go with you?” He asked but also seemed to demand, pleading eyes looking down at hers as wet hair dropped onto his still bare chest.

Trying not to be hypnotized by where they landed and proceeded to slide down she looked up at her amber eyed friend, who was staring intently as he waited for her answer, soft “Please?” coming from his lips. Sighing dramatically on purpose [ ] laughed at him, giving him a grin “of course you can you big puppy” she said as he picked her up in a hug, a gesture that shows his excitement she's come to learn. Putting her down he went to go to the door before his friend called him out “uhm Kendo? You don’t have on a shirt” she said plainly as he looked at her, raising a brow as he gave his rebuttal “Its hot” He responded. Giving him a side eyed look she turned from him and towards their bedrooms, [ ] sliding into his. Soon she came out with a sleeveless one, throwing it at the hulk of a guy infront of her “You can't come in the store without one” She said as he gave a growl of his own, sliding the shirt over his head as they left their apartment “Well at least ya got me one without sleeves” He huffed as they started back to the door, heading out to finally go to the store to start another process on Kendos hair, the male just excited to finally get rid of his pumpkin hair.

As Kendo sat in the shared living room with [ ] , deep conditioning his hair at her yelling request (‘If you dont re nourish it before you want me to bleach it , I won't do it!’ ) he watched his roommate and now his best friend wanderer around and do housley things for their apartment, the girl content as she cleaned and sorted out things in the kitchen, her body turned away from him as he started to think over how beautiful he thought she was. He want the type to brag or gloat about having so many girls comment on his size , height wised and well sometimes other ways , trying to tempt him to them. All while his friends wanted him to explain how he got the attention from the other gender , Kendo hated to admit it but ,he only wanted his roommates' affection. He knew how put together she was, smart and kind. He saw what her previous boyfriend did, a cheater that didnt take care of the beautiful soul he lived with. He couldnt stand seeing her come home and cry herself to sleep broke his heart, and when he fought the cheater, in the act he didnt feel bad once. Of course it ended their relationship, and [ ] yelled at him for fighting , explaining how he couldve ended in jail for fighting her ex, but he argued it would be worth it.

Sitting and mulling over everything he realized Rumi was right, hed do anything for [ ] but not the same for the other females that passed through his life. She actually, was the first person he did that for and that thought made his head dizzy. Moving from his place on the couch he went to stand in the kitchen, waiting for [ ] to come back from her room. Hearing the iconic sound of her feet pittering across the wooden floor he gave her a lopsided smile as she jumped, smacking into the chest of Kendo. Before [ ] could fall from impacting with his chest he caught her, holding her arm to his chest. “K-kendo! You shouldve told me you were in here! Why are you in here anyway?”[ ] scolded as he laughed, moving out of the shorter girl's way as he started his staring again, this time [ ] noticed him “......What?” She asked as he looked down at her, an unreadable look on his face. “Kendo” she called as he hummed, moving closer “Yer gorgeous” Kendo blurted out as [ ] started to stutter, eyes going wide. Taking teo steps forward he essentially trapped his friend between the corner of their kitchen canopy. “Remember when I fought that bastard of an ex you had?” Kendo asked as he saw [ ]’s eyes go soft , shaking her head “What about him...i'm still mad you almost lost everything just to fight him yknow” she huffed as he poked her cheek “Id do it again if it meant you'd be happy again yaknow” Kendo said as he leaned down to push his head against hers, amber and [ ] eyes mingling. Lifting his large hands he traced each side of her cheek, analyzing over her face as he nuzzled against her nose “Stop playin hard to get would ya? Bad enough you got my heart all in your little hands” he whispered as [ ] just started at the giant , her arms gently coming over to cover his that were place on her cheeks “K-ken..i need to start you hair..” She hopelessly try to argue as he groaned, burying his face into her neck. Squealing at his damp hair touching her shoulder [ ] jumped ,pushing the large boy back “Your hair's wet!” She whined as he chuckleed, mo\ving back as it turned into a booming laugh “Oh my ‘m sorry babe , you look surprised” He said as she smacked hsi chest “Go to the sink, i need to rinse the conditioner” She yelled as he hwld his hands up in a mocked surrender, pulling his shirt up and off in one fluid movement. Caught up by him stripping his shirt off [ ] gave him a glance over, the heaviness of him admitting feelings for her in his own unique way still lingering in her mind as the toned and strong back of her friend made her head hazy. Turning around from the lack of notice of his smaller friend Kendo caught the eys of [ ] staring, her eyes quickly flickering to his curious ones as he grinned “See somethin you like darlin?” He teased as she grunted, reaching up to push his head in the sink “Shut up and let me do your hair”

And like clockwork, Kendo rappa was an icy blonde after two days, a break given to his long ,thick and wavy hair, the giant boy looking over his new look as he sighed happily, loving to have his hair finally look normal. “Well damn [ ]! Ya made it even better than what i was thinking. Look! My hair’s all wavy at the ends and it's soft! Whatever you made me do made it feel better!” He raved as the girl looked over her work. And in fact it was highly even, his hair consistent and lavishy soft. Giving him a shy look she giggle “That's what a deep conditioner will do to damage hair and the way i'm always untangling your hair for you, i knew it would need it before you wanted to go white” She said as he just kept running his hands in his hair, turning back to her “I could just kiss you right now!” He blurted out as they both froze at his words, eyes wide from both parties “I-I aint mean it [ ]” He croaked out as she giggled, stepping back from him “O-of course you didnt, why would you i mean aha..”She said as she moved away more , his own words started to hit him as he realized the reverse effect it was having “NO! No, I'd want to kiss you, I really really want to. I just...want it to be on your terms okay?” he said as he grabbed her arm, holding her in front of him as if she'd float away if he didnt.

“Kendo...I..” [ ] started as she came back to his hip, laying between his legs onto his thankfully covered chest “I just dont want to lose you if you decide you wouldnt want me around” She whispered as he pulled her even closer, kissing her forehead as he stared at her “Dont you ever say that again ya hear me? Youll be my princess and ill be your humble er..knight” He hesitated as he tried to think of a sweet way to explain his feelings. [ ] looked up to him as she felt here eyes feel heavy with tears. Before one even fell Kendo pushed his lips as soft as the strong boy could, wrapping a large and beefy arm around her waist as he slipped his tongue in her mouth, letting his hand slide down to pull her up to sit on the tops of his thighs while he leaned against his dresser. Softly [ ] pushed her hand on his chest and pulled away, now eye to eye with Kendo “Sorry , d-did i overstep my place” He asked as she let out a snot, before laughing. Confused, Kendo went to talk before she stopped him “No no, youre good, just that if we keep kissing on this dressed there's gonna be a hole in the wall” She said as she pointed to where the mirror kept tapping a spot, scrapes already aroring it “R-right!” He laughed too, picking her up to set her on his bed “Now then...lemme serve you princess” He said before kissing her again, not letting her rebuttal his own comment. As the two kissed he made sure to be as gentle as he could be , at times clumsily nipping her lip or his hand pulling hard at her clothes.

All in the name of wanting to show how much she meant to him. Soon he pulled away, a small string of saliva strung between them from the hearty kissing. “[ ]...i think i love you” He said as she gave him a soft look , trying to catch her breath from the dramatic kiss they came from “Good, because i love your loud ass too Kendo” She teased as he smirked,leaning down to bite her neck, causing her to moan loudly “We’ll see whos loud after im done wit ya” he gave his own tease back as he moved between her plump thighs, kissing the flesh there as he pulled her shorts to the side, exposing her flushed lower lips. Gasping she reached for his hand that held her legs apart causing the fresh blonde to look up at her, eyes wandering over her face for signs of him to stop “I-Im not used to being this bare sorry..” She whimpered out as it dawned on the other side of her words “Have you ever ate out baby?” he asked as she hid her face from him, shaking ehr head as he groaned, pulling her shorts down as he saw her lacy panties , a smirk placed on his lips as he peeled them off too, a string of arousal keeping them plastered to her lips “fuck, that bastared really didnt take care of you” he growled as she sat up to see his darkening eyes kiss up to her lips whispering out a “but i will” as he sucked one of her lips into his mouth, causing a lound moan from the woman he was inbetween. Slowly he licked up her lips, searching for that small pearl as she whined, a hand coming down to tug his hair. Grunting he soon found it, sucking onto her clit as she gasped, her thighs shutting over his head as he looked up to her, watching as her back arched off of the bed once her pressed his tongue hard against her clit. Softly he let a hand run under her thigh, a single thick finger tracing over her twitching hole as he pushed it in gently, making [ ] squeal. “K-Ken!” She called out as he looked up again, catching her eyes and flushed face on his actions. Making a show of what he was doing he let a second one join the first as he sucked hard on her bud at the same time making [ ]’s eyes roll back as her hand fell from his head, nervous od pulling too hard. Kendo however had other plans. Feeling her walls tighten around his fingers he made sure to find that spongy spot and hitting it, finally pulling his lips from her clit as he smiled “Uuh Uh doll, look at me” He growled as she hesitantly glances at him, regretting that she did. He looked way too good, hair a mess as he was panting, catching his breath from being down on her. With evry pump of his fingers his muscle in his arm twitched, making her own walls spasm as she watched it “Ya like it sweetheart?” He asked as she shook her head, watching him move back to her pussy “Good, cause i aint done” He said as he gave her clit kitten licks beofe slurping on it, throwing a wink at her as he picked up his pace, making [ ]’s voice rise as she felt herself getting close before quickly snapping at a particular hard thrust of his finger to her spot on her walls.

Letting out a light scream she came over his fingers and tongue, the male laughing gleefully as he sucked up her juices. LEtting her come down some he watched her face as bliss spread through her body and a sense of confidence whent though his. Slowly he picked up the pace of his fingers again, going from a shallow push to more stroking as he heard [ ] whine, grabbing at his hand “Uh uh sweetheart, you taste too good fro me to only let you cum on my tongue once” he said as he pushed her down by her stomach, letting her take his spare hand as he went back to suckling on her lower lips. He knew he had a lot in stored for her, and watching the newly admitted love of his life cum from his pleasing was enough for him to realized he needed to do more. Popping off her clit as puling his fingers gently out he looked at her ravished body, using his non wet hand to pull at his sweats. “Youre beautiful like this [ ]” kendo said as she took in heavy breaths, feeling her throat close as he stroked his massive size, rubbing the swollen head as he looked at her , giving her a soft smile “Ya dont have to take me just yet , hes just throbbin too much” He groaned as he twisted his hand hard over his leaking tip, feeling himself throb as he laid back on his bed. “Ride my face?” he asked with one of the most sinful looks [ ] had ever seen ; lustful eyes watching her as his large hand stroked his larger dick, the soft and fleshy muscle jumping at watching her crawl to him, throwing a leg over his neck

“I-i dont wanna suffocate you..” She said as he smirked before saying “Ya cant suffocate me i want it” Soon he grabbed her hip, pushing her onto his awaiting mouth as he picked up his pace, sliding his tongue into her twitching hole as she rocked her hips, keeping a steady pace as she held herself on his shoulder and headboard, ,depreate moand and cries tumbling out as he rocked her too, going from her clit to her dripping entrance, stoking his dick harder and harde as her moans spurred him on. Soon he felt the bud in his mouth twitch and throb harder, the sounds [ ] made increasing as his own hand sped up with his throbbing head, the telltales of them both getting close. A moan erruptred from the girl on his lips as she came again , her essence running down his face as he groaned, ropes of cum shooting onto his hand and stomach as he came himself, still stroking out what he could as the pressure he felt subside. Sliding off softly [ ] saw the mess behind her, taking it upon herself to lick up some of it as she was met with his same aber eyes, watching her move to his still hard member “Let me take care of you too?” she asked shyly. Fuck he was done for as he felt himslef hardend worse at her words, a large hand coming up to smack her ass as he psuhed her up and over his head, letting his tip and her swollen lips run over eachother. Slowly he pushed his tip past her budding lips, entranced by the way it swallowed her whole “Fuck...i love you [ ] and by the time im done with ya...youll know it” he whispered in her ear as she felet him push, more and moreof his large size spreading her lips father than shed ever had. Her eyes rolled up as she felt him bottom out, both moaning as he picked up his pace, making a soothing rhythm as little moans and whines came from [ ], deep grunts coming from Kendo as he kissed her shoulders and back, marking where he could as he felt himself get closer with how she was throbbing over his member.

Digging his fingers as deep as he could in her plush hips he let our a mantra of ‘Cummin’ i and ‘ I love yous’ in her ear as she pushed back against him, feeling herself teetering as he pushed as deep as he could go ,letting himself cum as she came too, the overwhelming feeling of him throbbing against her spongy walls and previous orgasms enough to push her over a third time. “[ ]” Kendo rasped as [ ] hummed , feeling her legs still shake with him in her “Im serious, i'm never leaving you...you're mine and i love you…” kendo said as he kissed the back of her neck, nibbling her ear as he stayed in her “Mhm….i love you too Rappa..”

[calypsoff]

Sixty Nine.

I think it’s taken me at least two days to recover from such an event, I have been such a mess. I can personally say that I felt terrible but also it was a good night, I am just catching up on everything. Like I can Google search my name and I have headlines about my birthday, I mean some are clowning at me crying, but jealous niggas do that, and it is annoying me. I am just looking at Dennis’ page, he posted a few pictures of the event, it’s nice what he put about me, but I think I am going to just snap on jealous niggas because I can’t be dealing thinking they can clown me, jealous motherfuckers like her ex’s like why are you checking for me, I ain’t checking for you but you there writing lines about me on social media, it’s weak. I really haven’t had the chance to actually speak to Robyn properly and actually say to her what she has done for me, I am just recovering. I know for a fact I haven’t ever drank like that in my life, I am missing hours of my life that I don’t remember. Pressing record as I stared at myself in the in the camera “I look rough, I need a shave” clearing my throat looking up at Rajad walking into the kitchen “I just want to thank everyone for the birthday wishes, as you know I had a very good night. It’s late but I just want to say thank you to everyone, I seen the birthday wishes just now because I am of course just catching up, feel rough still” I sighed out “I just thought I would do a video instead of just typing it out, I don’t do social media beef. You got an issue we can deal with it personally, just like I did before. I seen niggas clowning me, but I don’t care, I cried because I appreciate what my wife did and y’all can call me a bitch nigga, but she went above and beyond and I love her, she is my other half. Niggas don’t know what love is and it shows but a certain nigga, I see you and I ain’t scared to beat ya ass again” stopping the video just before Robyn walked in, I pressed send to put it onto my IG story.

Robyn sniggered at me “are you with us now? I can’t believe how long you been in bed for, baby two whole days?!” locking my phone and placing it on the counter, moving away from the counter “wow, I was a mess Robyn. I don���t drink like that, I don’t. Weed and booze, it was just. It took me out but man, I am just catching up with everything” shuffling towards Robyn, pecking her lips before hugging her close “oh my god, I just feel like I have missed out so much for those days. Thank you for taking care of me too” squeezing Robyn close “love you” Robyn cooed out “it’s ok, I know you was unwell but I am glad you’re with us” moving back from the hug “I have so much to thank you for, after you left everything was a blur, I do remember when I was dancing with Drake actually but then I was out” sitting on top of the counter “I am glad you’re ok, to see you in such a happy place Chris, I love to see it. I am so glad that the party was great, people keep talking about it” nodding my head “you got me so good Robyn, just thinking about it now I am emotional again. All of your family too, like Mel and Noella buying me a personal plate, like what? That is crazy, I feel like I am celebrating my twenty first again, it’s wild. It’s made up for every birthday I missed, I can’t thank you enough. I appreciate you Robyn and I got a little something, I may have been dying in bed, but I been planning, my family are coming to the home” Robyn’ eyes widened “erm, the home is a mess Chris. You didn’t say the in laws are coming” shaking my head “don’t worry about it, just that I called, and I said for them to wait another day and to come here. I appreciate you so much” Robyn stood between my legs, wrapping my arms around her “I love you so much, man. I can’t even” placing my hands over her bump “you and my daughter” Robyn gasped “you! Actually, you been talking too much when drunk, Rajad knows now. Everyone actually knows” I cringed “I am sorry, I didn’t know” she is unhappy, let me quickly start massaging her shoulders.

I am here massaging Robyn’ shoulders trying to calm her ass down, just because I know for a fact Robyn is very mad with me, I didn’t do this shit on purpose, so she needs to understand this “I just want to spend time with you, my family are leaving tomorrow too. I just think we haven’t had us time so take me away somewhere” nodding my head “I got you” kissing the back of her head “I am glad we are not having a boy, Camron kept trying to touch his dick and I was like no sir. This boy just wanted to keep touching it so honestly I am glad it isn’t” I snorted laughing “that shit don’t stop, you know how much I play with mine” I really want a son now, I need one in my life to be just like me “I think they are here” the buzzer went off “I swear I feel a mess Chris, you could have told me” Robyn moved away from me, jumping off the counter and making my way to the door. Majesty is a pest, she is always running out of the living room, these crawling babies is not it “hey, little brat” jogging over to her, picking her up and making my way to the front door Unlocking the door, oh I didn’t open the gate. Going back inside, pushing the button to open the gate. Placing my feet in the slides “hey, hey. Young lady, stop the slapping” I chuckled, shuffling outside “we were waiting for so long” my mother poked her head around and walking over to me “aww my baby boy” walking over to them “hey mom, welcome to my home” hugging my mom “son, this is amazing. Oh wow, this is very Hollywood” my dad has his glasses on, so he is really going to check every part of the home, he is in-expecting the home.

My family are so amazed by the home, this is just outside “come in, come” Majesty wrapped her arms around my neck, she is so precious “I am shocked, like this home is amazing Chris. Now I know why you love it here so much” walking back inside, Robyn side eyed me “why are you annoyed with me? You’re so annoying” I laughed at her “shut up, hey my beautiful mother in law. Look at you! The tan, you been out in the sun” I am glad I caught Robyn off guard “the family is here” Rorrey came out of the office, he has been using it, I told him to try and make his own little something for himself for my clothing line, I am open to ideas “hi boss” Rorrey shook my dad’ hand “the family is here, you never said” everyone seems annoyed I never said, maybe they wanted to make a good entrance “sis, the only person that annoys me is Chris” Robyn said to Tootie “he didn’t say anything, I have not cooked a thing. I feel so bad, your first time here and I have done nothing” I grinned “Robyn, I know your pain. He is an ass” rolling my eyes, they all mad now.

These ladies are mad “like I know y’all are mad but come on, I come in peace and honestly when you hear why, you will all love me” Robyn mean mugged me “what it is, this is the first time my mother in law has come to the home so I wanted to make an good impression but instead she has come and I look a mess, the home is a mess, I have made no food for them. It’s their first time here Chris do you not get that” I laughed a little “I do but baby my mom doesn’t mind, you’re beautiful anyways but hear me out. It’s Mother’s Day coming up so I did something nice for you all, I have the SUV coming and he taking you to a spa, all of you. I hired it out for you ladies, I will take care of Majesty and Desean, this is y’all time to have just some peace and quiet and after I am paying for the meal at Robyn’ favourite place, this is on me. Mom, Tootie, Monica, Noella and Robyn. My beautiful mother to be, Happy Mother’s Day, now can we stop the hate train” they all look pleased “really baby, oh my god. That sounds so much fun” my mom said “yeah, y’all can bitch about me there but I hired the whole place, Robyn can get the wax she needs” I snorted laughing “shut up!” she spat, her coochie need it cause she ain’t doing it “Happy Mother’s Day ladies” I grinned, Monica cooed out “he is a good man, thank you Chris” I grinned feeling so proud of myself.

I am super proud of myself “I love you” feeling a pair of arms around my torso “oh now you saying it” turning around in Robyn’ arms “you know I do, I just like to impress my guests Chris that is all. But baby that is so sweet, so you did all of that while you was in bed and I was slaving away” nodding my head “I sorted it all out for you, I want you to relax ok?” pecking Robyn’ lips “thank you and you ass, talking about wax. I want you to do it for me, how about that?” I snorted laughing “I will, if you want me too? Not in a bad way, I thought you may want to, you know. Feel fresh” wrapping my arms around Robyn “mhmm I will let you off mister thoughtful, that is the sweetest. I get to spend time with both of the momma’s too, I think I need it after the stress of someone” I chuckled “I wonder who that is” I sniggered “also I may just tell them about the gender, it’s just silly now because you ruined that part. And then Rajad will end up letting it slip so yeah, I will just tell them, or we both can later?” nodding my head “yeah for sure we can, I am so sorry about that” I feel bad that I did it “I am so excited about it, I am really you know, I didn’t mean it in a bad way” Robyn sighed out “I know, this is why I am not that mad” she is the cutest.

Placing my arm around my nephew, he is loving it being at the house “how has school been anyways? You are being good there, you know my sister will tell me if you ain’t” the home is actually so much calmer without the women here, they are always causing some type of drama over nothing “I am being good, people want to be my friend now. I told mom because they didn’t want to talk to me, but they are now, mom said they are fake. Everyone is asking me to get an autograph form Rihanna and I said no and then the boy called me a fake nigga for it, and I can’t be your nephew” frowning “Desean don’t let nobody tell you different, fuck them. They are jealous because us as a family are ok, they are haters, and you remember that. Those people that want to be friends you now and didn’t before are fake, don’t let that shit happen to you. You know I got you when you want to talk” kids are nasty as hell “I know I am just concentrating on Football and keeping myself lowkey, it doesn’t really upset me because I am winning. Rihanna is amazing” I breathed out laughing “she is” I agreed with my nephew.

The ladies came back looking refreshed, we just finished eating, I bought the boys pizza. Robyn is glowing even more “you good?” Robyn placed her hand on my shoulder and leaned down “I want a word with you” I frowned instantly, what did I do “come, we will be back” Robyn walked off, what the hell even happen “Chris, thank you so much for that. I feel so refreshed” getting up from the chair nodding my head “it’s ok” following Robyn, I am raking my brain just thinking what have I done. We just went into the corner “I seen your little video on IG, why react Chris that is what he wants, and they want” I shrugged not caring “you just want me to accept it, I will knock his ass out again. I don’t care, laughing that I cried. I am just saying that what is wrong with me crying? Because I appreciate what you have done for me, he is a pussy ass nigga!” I spat “and I just think, I am not saying what you said is wrong but don’t let him or anyone get to you, ok? So what if you cried, you appreciate me” I sighed out “I do, but if he wants to start then we can you know” I shrugged, I don’t even care who says what but it’s him that I hate.

Seeing as I ruined the secret between her family, Robyn feels like she has to say it because it’s pretty much only her mother that doesn’t know in her side so we might as well say it “we have a little announcement, well I do anyways because Chris has a big mouth” placing my arm around Robyn laughing, I can’t even front it is my fault “you already married so what next? Twins?” My dad jokes “how you know?” I said “really!?” my dad spat “see, I got you there but yeah. Robyn got this because I been just ruining her little thing” I am going to let Robyn say her thing “yeah, I am not angry at him but I feel it is unfair, but can we just keep it in this room for now, if we can try. We all are a gossips aren’t we but yeah, so we. Chris and I, we found out the gender together” Robyn lied, I put my head down because I know I didn’t, I wasn’t there “and it’s very exciting because honestly I am over the moon, so is Chris with his big mouth. We are having a baby girl!” Robyn yelped out “granddaughter!?” my dad shouted, all my dad is doing is shouting shit “yes dad” I laughed, my dad shot up smiling “I am so happy for you, oh my god!” my dad is excited as hell “awww mom don’t cry” Robyn said, the family is so emotional.

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

The Gift of One’s Self

Day 3 of 2020′s 31 Days of Ficmas.  Thanks @doctorroseprompts​!

Prompt: Shopping

Rating: T (discussions of sex & sex toys; no “use”)

Pairing: 13xRose (AU)

Summary: Sparks fly when just before Christmas Jane comes into the adult toy store where Rose works, leading them to reevaluate what they think they’re looking for in a partner and making the connection of a lifetime.

2020 31 Days of Ficmas masterlist

AO3

---

Rose stood behind the cash register, humming along to the Christmas music piping through the store. It was her first Christmas season in several years not spent at Henricks, and though she was still in retail, the boutique adult toy shop she’d joined in August had an easier-going pace; though business had picked up in the last few weeks as December drew near, it didn’t come close to the frenetic pace of the department store.

Especially not at ten in the morning on a random Tuesday.

The bell above the door tinkled, forewarning the entrance of a customer, and she straightened from where she’d been slouched on the counter, pasting on her best customer service smile. “Good morning, welcome to Handled With Love, can I help you today?”

The woman bee-lined towards her, eyes wide and directed towards the ground, and Rose held back a sigh. She was late twenties like Rose, also with peroxide blonde hair, and the overpowering air of someone who had never seen a sex toy before, and didn’t want to now.  Her cheeks were already crimson, and likely not from the reasonably moderate temperature outside.  This’ll be fun.

“Hi,” the woman muttered, peeking up at Rose as she reached the counter.  “Erm, I’m here for a pickup – Amy Pond?  It’s Hen Night stuff.  She called to say I was coming.  Jane Smythe?”

“Yes, of course, hang on.” Rose verified the details in the order book, glancing at the woman’s proffered ID long enough to confirm the name. “Thank you.”  Turning, she dragged the prepared bag out from under the back counter, settling it before the woman with a thunk.  “Shall I review the order with you?”

The woman, Jane, had found enough courage to lift her head, but was staring at the sample-size lubes in front of the cash register with more than a hint of fear.  “Er…”  Fumbling in her pocket, she pulled out a piece of paper.  “Can you just…”

Rose accepted it, laying it on the desk and checking off the items compared to the order.  “First time in a sex shop?”

“That obvious?” Jane flinched.  “Erm, yeah. I don’t really… do that.”

“What, have sex?” Rose’s eyes widened in horror, darting up to look at the woman, cringing inside.  “I’m so sorry, that was completely inappropriate.  Forget I asked.”

Surprisingly, she relaxed slightly, offering Rose a tentative smile.  “It’s okay.  And, yeah, basically.  I’m… I’ve never had an interest in it.  Amy called it something- but, honestly, I’d already tuned her out.”

“Asexual.  Means you don’t experience any sexual attraction.” Her own cheeks heated a little; part of the reason she’d taken this job (against her mother’s objections) was to lose some of her prudishness, wanting to be more comfortable with her own sexuality.  That had meant a crash course in all things preference and gender related, all kindly included as part of her on-boarding. “Nothing wrong with that.”  Checking off the last item, she folded the list back up and handed it over.  “I just need you to sign here,” she slid the order page over, “as confirmation of pick-up. It’s all paid for already.  Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Jane bit her lip, warm brown eyes darting around.  “Well… actually, I need a hen party gift, and Amy suggested I try something here.  But I know nothing about any of it.  Like I said.”

Rose gave her another warm smile.  “I’d be happy to help,” she agreed.  “D’you have a car you want to take this to first, or keep it behind the desk until you’re ready to go?  Just so you’re not lugging it around the store.”

“I’ll take it to the car,” she said with gratitude.  “Excellent idea.  I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tale.”  Gingerly grabbing the bag, she gave Rose a grin and trotted out the door, holding the bag away as if it was a bomb.

This’ll be interesting, if she comes back.

-

She did, and Rose spent over an hour helping her – it didn’t take long to find something for the bride-to-be, but to Rose’s surprise, halfway to the register the woman confessed that she was maybe open to finding something for herself.  It had taken all of Rose’s experience in retail to not react to that, and eventually, helped her pick out something fairly tame that was a good ‘starter’.

Jane crossed her mind occasionally throughout the day, bringing a smile to Rose’s face – it had felt good, to help someone get more in touch with themself, and when she slid into bed that night and pulled out her own favorite “massager” (thank you employee discount!), her thoughts drifting towards the other woman and her toy, she realized she’d been attracted to her.

Oh.  Switching off the vibrator Rose sat up, staring blankly at the wall.  Is that what this is?  With the exception of an experimental phase shortly after the crashing and burning of her relationship with Jimmy, she’d never really considered the idea.  It wasn’t that she was opposed to dating girls, she’d just… never really done it, other than a few drunken hookups.  Is that what I want?

She had lots of questions, but no answers – the most pressing being, Will I ever even see her again?

-

Jane sat on her bed, knees curled up to her chest, staring at the innocent-looking wand sitting in front of her.  Asking the shop girl about it had been instinct – purely a delay tactic, not ready to leave her presence but not sure why.  She’d felt funny, talking to her – like she had a menagerie inside her stomach, her palms sweaty and shaky.

No, not ‘shopgirl’. Rose.  “Rose,” she said out loud, savoring the feel of name on her tongue. The woman’s face flashed before her eyes, Jane’s heart jumping at just the thought of her – but it wasn’t just her face.  An odd pulsing feeling low in her hips had cropped up every time Rose had smiled at her, pink tongue peeking through pearly white teeth; even now, Jane’s stomach swooped at the thought.

“This has never happened to me before,” she informed the vibrator, feeling a need to defend herself – against what, she didn’t know.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  That was a lie; like any good scientist, she’d googled the sensations as soon as she was home, and been informed she either had some untreatable disease – or a crush. A crush.  I’ve never had one of those.  That was a lie too; she had, once, at uni, but it had been fleeting, easy to squash and a distant memory.

This, so far, hadn’t. In fact, the more she tried not to think about the shopgirl (Rose), the more she did; her bright eyes, her kind smile, the snug fit of her jumper…

I think I’m in trouble.

-

It took Rose the better part of a week (and three good wanks, not that she’d ever admit that) for Jane to fade to a background thought.  Throwing herself into Christmas shopping and planning had helped, and by the end of the second week, she’d written the “incident” off as little more than a lapse in judgement, and perhaps excessive vanity or narcissism, given their similar appearance.

In fact, she’d worked so hard to remove the encounter from her memory, that she’d managed to stop her heart from leaping every time the bell chimed.  Which meant that when it went off first thing the Monday before Christmas, she didn’t look up from the inventory she was stocking, merely calling, “Welcome to Handled With Love, I’ll be with you in just a mo’.”

“Take your time.”

The familiar voice startled Rose so badly she dropped the armful of inventory, and after ducking down to pick it up, came face to face with a blushing, grinning Jane with an armful of dildos.  “Hi,” she said, somewhat breathless, before trying for something more in the realm of professional.  “Erm, hello. What brings you in today?”

“Hi.”  Jane looked as delighted to see her as Rose felt, butterflies taking flight in her gut.  “I- erm- thank you for the recommendation, before.  I’m interested in… expanding my collection.”

“You are?”  Rose cleared her throat, trying again with less surprise.  “I mean, you are?”  I’m never going to get through this if I have to keep repeating myself.  It was almost immediately clearly that while she’d been ignoring the slight attraction she’d felt, it had developed into a full-blown crush on its own.

Jane nodded, twisting her hands in front of her.  “Maybe something a little more advanced?”

Rose fought desperately to reengage her salesclerk brain.  “Sure.  What did you think of your previous purchase?  What did you like or not like?”  Looking down at the armful of artificial cocks she still held, she dumped them back in the box haphazardly.  “Shall we?”

-

Jane blushed and stuttered her way through the next twenty minutes, shyly admitting to having actually tried with the toy several times but getting disappointing results.  Rose was kind and encouraging, gently guiding her towards a different sort of product she thought might help.

The entire time she tried to work up the courage for what she really wanted, dithering over signing the credit card slip in an attempt to delay the inevitable.

“Is everything all right?” Rose asked, wide eyes concerned and feeling like they could see straight through to her soul.  “I haven’t pressured you into this, have I?  If you’re not happy-”

“It’s not that,” Jane cut her off, tucking her hair behind one ear.  “I just… I’m nervous it’s not going to, you know, work.  For me.”

Rose nodded.  “Sure, I get that.  So, our return policy really only applies to things not opened or used – for sanitary reasons – but…”  Reaching behind the counter, she pulled out a business card, scribbling quickly on the back. “This is my information, if you’re really not happy I personally guarantee you your money back within 30 days, & I’ve written it here for you.  I care more about your happiness than the sale.  Okay?”

“Okay.”  Jane accepted it, knowing she would never make use of the generous offer – as far as she was concerned, the only thing more embarrassing than buying a sex toy was returning one.  Dropping it into her purse, she knew it was now or never.  “This might be completely inappropriate-”

“It’s okay, go ahead,” Rose reassured her when she paused.

“Thanks.  Erm, the problem may be that I don’t know what I’m doing, with this or the other thing.”  Jane licked her lips.  “Do you do demonstrations?”  In for a penny, in for a pound.  “Or personal assistance?”

Rose’s eyes widened, and when she didn’t say anything for several seconds, Jane started to pray for death, but before she could take it back, the other woman said, “Only if you buy me dinner first.”

They stared at each other.

“I’m kidding about the ‘you paying’ bit, but… I would like to get to know you better.  Would that be okay?”

Okay?  Okay?!  Jane was practically floating.  “Very much so.  Maybe dinner, drinks…” she trailed off, sure her face was scarlet, heart ready to beat itself out of her chest.  “Mind you, I’ve never done this before.”

“So you keep saying.” Rose’s lips twitched.  “How about this – we go Dutch on dinner, I’ll bring a bottle of wine, and if I can’t sufficiently demonstrate the effectiveness of your purchases, I’ll refund them personally and buy you breakfast.”

“Deal.”

They shook on it.

-

A year later

“Open it, open it, open it,” Rose chanted, bouncing on her knees.  They’d decided Christmas morning was just for them, having been at Jackie’s the evening before and going to Jane’s family for lunch, leaving them to enjoying their first Christmas together in their new, shared flat.

“All right, all right,” Jane laughed.  “I’d say keep your pants on, but…” she trailed off with a wink, eyes lingering on the ample skin Rose’s skimpy nighty didn’t cover.  Not that she was any more covered up, in boy shorts and a tank.  “What do we have here?”  Tearing at the paper, she was only slightly surprised to see the logo of their favorite brand of adult toys.  “You’re a sex fiend, Rose Tyler.”

“Shut up.”  Her girlfriend just grinned, waving for her to continue.  “You’ll like it, I promise.”

Jane finished removing the paper to find a pair of pink, fuzzy handcuffs still in the box, and laughed. “Are these a gift for you, or me?” She leaned forward, kissing her in thanks.  “I do like it, though how much depends on your answer.”

“Both of us, obviously,” Rose replied, tickling her calf.  “But turn it over.”

She did, laughing harder at the Blu-Ray of the 1952 movie Houdini – she’d mentioned in passing being a fan of his tricks weeks earlier, and apparently Rose had been listening.  “Okay, I love it.”  Setting the gifts down, she leaned towards Rose again, this time cupping her cheek and giving her a slower, deeper kiss.  “Happy Christmas, my love.”

“Happy Christmas.” Rose opened her eyes, smiling softly. “To many more.”

“Hear, hear.  Now, that’s the last of the gifts and we’ve got several hours before we’re due anywhere.  What say you we break these in?”

They raced for the bedroom, and in the end, they both won.

[coffeecupsandquiet]

ISOLOPHILIA

“If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

Basic Information

Full name: Jordan Rojas

Pronunciation: JOR-DAN RO-HAAS

Nickname(s): dont even think about it

Birthdate: January 12

Age: 23

Zodiac: Capricorn 

Gender: Cis-male

Pronouns: he/him

Romantic orientation: homoromantic

Sexual orientation: he is what the kids call, morosexual….. Jk homosexual

Nationality: American

Ethnicity: mixed (hesitate to comment beyond Italian due to my inability to track down definitive sources of Rob Raco’s ethnicity)

Current location: miami baBY

Living conditions: immaculate and modernly simplistic. A clean house is a calm house.

 Background

Birthplace: unknown

Hometown: Chicago

Social Class: upper middle? I think?

Educational achievements: nothing formal, but he does consume books at an unhealthy rate

Father: unknown

Mother: unknown

Sibling(s): unknown

Birth order: unknown

Pets: ABSOLUTELY YES OF COURSE! He has five sweet honeys, one queen named Melon, and four beautiful kittens, Cantaloupe, Sugar, Honeydew, and Galia. Fun fact, but all of the kittens names are names of melons. 

Previous relationships: non existent….. lol

Arrests: ….uhhhhhhh, absolutely not

Prison time: ^^^^^^^

 Occupation & Income

Current occupation: he do be a thief for a crime organization tho

Dream occupation: a librarian… or maybe an archivist for a famous museum…. yeah

Past job(s): being a full time SQUARE

Spending habits: hm, careful with his money, but will spend extra to make sure what he is wearing/doing/seeing is up to his standards

In debt?: this is MY fantasy and in it, i have NO DEBT so NO 

Most valuable possession: his babies… but followed up by his gold leafed edition of the Grimme Fairytales.

 Skills & Abilities

Physical strength: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: pre-determined that he lifts to carry the homies

Speed: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: do you really think you’d catch him running in gucci shoes? no

Intelligence: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: jordan says ‘fuck the school system!’ and then read books forever

Accuracy: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: jordan is very good with powers, but uh, i don’t know if he’s good with a gun. I imagine he’d flinch at the recoil

Agility: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: he’s a bit of a snake, but erm, not enough to be considered wily i think

Stamina: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: he goes to the gym, but not for endurance so-

Teamwork: hell no. total lone wolf, which is why it's a miracle he gets along with Len

Talents/hobbies: reading, obviously, but he also dabbles in piano and writing I think. Lets make fun of Jordan for writing bad poetry!!!!! Im going to throw that nerds books in the fountin

Shortcomings: stubborn as hell and also extremely stuck up. Partially because he is naturally untrusting but also partially because hes kind of a dick. 

Languages spoken: English and conversational Spanish

Drive?: hell no, hes gay

Jump-start a car?: hell no, hes gay

Change a flat tyre?: hell no, hes gay

Ride a bicycle?: yes, but the last time he did he was like 8 or something so

Swim?: yes! He actually likes it I think, but usually only if he’s alone. 

Play an instrument?: Piano! 

Play chess?: Obviously. Not seriously or anything, but he can play.

Braid hair?: Yes! He plays with his own hair when he’s bored. 

Tie a tie?: oh my god yes of COURSE he does. If he didn’t he would have to bully himself.

Pick a lock?: he’d be a pretty shit thief if he couldn’t

Cook?: yes! Nothing quite like knowing what to cook with his nice white wine

 Physical Appearance & Characteristics

Faceclaim: Rob Raco

Eye colour: blue

Hair colour: black

Hair type/style/length: shoulder length and wavy

Glasses/contacts?: contacts

Dominant hand: left

Height: 5’9”

Weight: i don’t want to answer this because i don’t know

Build: slender and lightly defined

Exercise habits: i feel so embarrassed admitting that jordan do be lifting three times a week

Skin tone: i….. Golden? idk

Tattoos: contrary to his many gifs, he doesn’t have any i don’t think

Piercings: his ears are definitely pierced though

Marks/scars: some scars from some “playful” rough housing. Nothing too extreme, just a nick on his left calf and a hidden one in his right eyebrow. 

Clothing style: clean cut. He prefers dress shirts and slacks for most occasions, and is rarely seen dressed down further than a short sleeve button up. Putting on his clothes is like putting up a front. Just a reminder to hold everyone at a distance. 

Jewellery: he does have a watch and earrings and perhaps a couple of necklaces

Allergies: none

Diet: vegetarian i have just decided right here right now

Physical ailments: none

 Psychology

I did a test with Jordan in mind for each of these fuckers.

MBTI type: INTJ-A: Bookish and reclusive are two words to describe this type, and that lines up pretty well with Jordan’s personality as well. They value themselves more so than the relationships they make, and pride themselves on getting things done. 

Enneagram type: Type 6: the Loyal Skeptic. Taken from the website “The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it”

Moral Alignment: Chaotic Neutral- Driven by their own purposes, willing to do anything to secure themselves. They aren’t inherently evil, but are only usually only good when it serves their purposes.

Temperament:  Take from the website: Phlegmatic - The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. They are accepting and affectionate. They may be receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive.

Element: Earth

Emotional stability: At the moment in our time line, horrid. Non existent. He is just a giant ball of feelings and he HATES IT because usually he is very put together. 

Introvert or Extrovert? Incredibly introverted, if it wasn’t already obvious.

Obsession(s): Books! Clearly. But also his cats as well as fashion and cleanliness and coffee!!!!!

Compulsion(s): Making sure all of his mugs are facing the same direction in the cabinet.

Phobia(s): Claustrophobia 

Addiction(s): none

Drug use: Remember the Jordan is a pot head meme. Yeah. That

Alcohol use: usually just a glass or two of wine. Nothing to big. Usually. 

Prone to violence?: Heavens no! For all of his lifting, if someone threw a punch at him he’d probably run away.

Prone to crying?: Not in front of people, but he can be a weepy drunk depending on the time nad place

Believe in love at first sight?: Although he is a realist, he has a very very romantic and soft heart, so this one is a yes, although he would never admit it.

 Mannerisms

Accent: American

Speech quirks: talks like he’s a bored victorian scholar

Hobbies: reading, writing, playing piano, playing with cats, making coffee.

Habits: sleeping with a light on

Nervous ticks: he touches his hair when he’s nervous or thinking

Drives/motivations: his biggest motivation is staying alive and safe from the government. He knows his power could be used to hurt everyone, not just him, and that is important because there is safety in numbers. Also, he knows that there are mutants who will help him just because he is one of them. 

Fears: being taken and tested on or used against other mutants. There is litcherally no fear greater than that for him

Sense of humour?: dry and sardonic. Usually takes amusement in knowing more than you

Do they curse often?: Heavens no! If they are cursing, they are either drunk, scared, surprised, or PISSED OFF. or all of them together LMAO 

 Favorites

Animal: cat for obvious reasons

Beverage: a classic latte, for obvious reasons

Book: The Door into Summer by Robert A. Heinlein

Colour: Mahogany 

Food: Yogurt and berries

Flower: traditional roses, because he is a romantic

Gem: Mahogany Obsidian

Mode of transportation: Foot or bus

Scent: Lily and lets be real, good kush

Sport: he’s gay…...

Weather: sunny rainshower

Vacation destination: into his own bed and then no one bothers him

 Attitudes

Greatest dream: to not feel hunted no matter where he goes. He also wants to settle down with someone whom he loves and who loves him, because romance is something he has always fantasized about

Greatest fear: dying before he’s ready, but worse so, being captured and used against his will

Most at ease when: he’s snuggling up with his cats with a nice book

Least as ease when: he is in a high stress situation with no familiar faces.

Worst possible thing that could happen: being captured and used

Biggest achievement: Securing his place in the Kings and consequently out of the police as soon as he possibly could once he turned 18.

Biggest regret: Never resisting the orders of those in his foster home.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Thanksgiving

So it’s Thanksgiving for the Americans. Happy Thanksgiving, Americans.

Now, I know that there are some significantly problematic aspects of celebrating Thanksgiving, since basically the whole thing seems to be the celebration of a bunch of assholes taking advantage of the generosity and kindness of indigenous people who didn’t want these immigrants to die of their own ignorance of their surroundings, immediately before killing the indigenous people by the score, claiming the land, and then making a career out of being assholes to any other immigrants who dared turn up on the land. But...

...erm...

Yeah, fuck Columbus, sorry to anyone who has family who are Those Assholes about immigrants for the absolute fucking hypocrisy of celebrating a holiday that’s all about the time that white people were immigrants and not treated like shit by the actual indigenous people, my hugs and support to anyone who is going to have issues with their families over their sexuality, gender presentation and/or politics this holiday season, and I hope you all find something to be thankful for so that this holiday isn’t a total joke to you.

I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving anymore, mostly because I live in one of the countries the white immigrant assholes actually came from and as someone posted to Facebook (via Twitter, because social media has become a Venn diagram), “In fairness, Brits probably don’t do Thanksgiving because if we had to take a day off for the anniversary of us fucking over a native people and ruining their country we’d never have to go to work”. Hell, I don’t even celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving anymore, mostly because the Canadians were just as bad as the Americans about the treatment of their indigenous people and only just recently in Montreal did they rename the street named for the guy who did that infected-blanket bullshit to something a) in the language of the indigenous people of the region and b) inclusive and decent. However, I am willing to take an excuse to celebrate those things for which I am thankful. Granted, there aren’t all that many in this day and age, but there are some, and it’s probably healthy to take a moment to remind myself of them when I’m depressed over the absolute insanity that is my country’s political situation, my personal employment situation, and the places where the two overlap that mean I’m probably going to be screwed to the wall. So, things I am thankful for:

My D&D group

My friends in general

Agency Guy (a little scatty, but he does his best with a bad situation)

My Tumblr dash as a whole for providing thought-provoking, entertaining, and adorable stuff

My family (mostly, sometimes ... I mean, they try)

Also stupid but sanity-maintaining little things like the Critical Role crew, @seananmcguire novels, new flavours of gummy sweets and Sagas of Sundry coming to YouTube after the shutdown of the Alpha channel on Twitch

I am thankful that the above exist; they both ensure that I can live and make life worth living. It took me a long time to really understand how important that latter is; I don’t know if that’s normal, but that’s how it was. Thanks to my friends and an awful lot of therapy, I figured it out. As a part of my overall coping strategy for depression, these things are invaluable, and the more depressing the world around me gets, the more valuable these things become. Thank you.

[i-amusemyself]

All of the 'Get to Know Me'.

Aaaah tysm!!!

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

(Jokes on you I only usually have 3 songs on repeat at any one time :’-D ) Atm though: Work Song - Hozier, Rats- Miw, Wastelands- Amber Run, Dragula- Rob Zombie, Fireflies- Owl city (yh really), To build a home- The cinematic orchestra.

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

I…don’t know. I’m really not that into meeting ‘idols’ or anything. I guess it’d be pretty cool to meet Kaitlyn Alexander but honestly I’m not sure the anxiety would be worth it.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“It’s a body,” I said, “A dead body.” lmao

4: What do you think about most?

I imagine what life is going to be like when I get to uni or who/what it’ll be that finally makes me happy.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Off to stuff my face with chinese food, talk to you later bro”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Clothes on unless it’s above 25 degrees bc I don’t wanna die (like that)

7: What’s your strangest talent?

Lmaooo talent?! Me?! Idk I’m learning how to do special effects makeup and a couple of people have said its p cool. Also I can do this weird thing with my tongue where it basically rolls in on itself (seems to be genetic)

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are all ethereal goddesses out of my league.

Boys are not my area of expertise.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

As if lmao! Ain’t no one ever liked me that much.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

I can’t remember so I did it just now to make up for it.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I hate cuddly toys with battery packs in them with a passion.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Nooo

13: What’s your religion?

Don’t have one, I’m an atheist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Cleaning up my rabbits’ mess.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it I think

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Honestly it depends on the time of day, when I last ate, the luna cycle… I genuinely don’t have one I can’t answer that

17: What was the last lie you told?

Um, I lied about what I watched on TV last night lmao

18: Do you believe in karma?

I’m not sure, I kinda just hope it exists and that helps keep me sane.

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self explanatory lmao

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I don’t know, for the weakness I’m torn between caring too much and saying the wrong thing.

And I wouldn’t call it a major strength but I have a lot of patience.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

I don’t know (I barely have an interest in anything atm), given I have an entire fanblog dedicated to them I’ll say Kaitlyn Alexander again

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nope not yet

23: How do you vent your anger?

I have a personal blog ( @the-emotional-equilibrium​ ) that I rant on

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have an embarrassing number of kermit memes on my phone

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting for sure, I like to be able to see people’s faces (also I hate phone calls they’re too awkward).

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I think I’m a work in progress really. I’m happier with myself than I used to be, but there’s always things I want to change or could improve on and I know I’m never going to be perfect.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of fabric being ripped, it makes me shiver but I love, idk, that sound when you’re just lying outside and you can hear the birds and stuff. Idk, I don’t listen to much besides music.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

Argh, erm, I wonder how different life would have been if I’d learnt to stand up for myself earlier. I’d probably have fewer regrets.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts I’m really not sure about. Up until recently I would’ve said no, but honestly I don’t know what to believe anymore. As for aliens they’re definitely real.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right arm: A cushion on the sofa. Left arm: The wall. Exciting right?

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Chicken! (Making lunch atm)

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Lmfaooooo idk???? Not a physical place anyway. When I was really little I once had to stand outside in the snow for about 3 hours and I remember being pretty sure I was gonna die, like it was such a horrible feeling being that cold.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East coast! I mean, that’s just based on where my friend lives and nothing else but

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Lmfao opposite?! Okay so let’s just assume that means a guy but erm? Idk? Okay I admit I have a slight thing for half the guys in MIW so lets just go with that

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To have the best time possible and end it with minimal regrets. Also to try to help other people to have a better time to.

36: Define Art.

Stuff you can look at that takes actual talent and imagination.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Not really? I mean sometimes I might consider things Unlucky but tbh I have no idea what I mean by that.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

Pretty boring tbh, it’s just a grey sky with a bit of a breeze.

39: What time is it?

2:49 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I passed my test a few months back but I haven’t driven since so thankfully I haven’t had a chance to crash yet

41: What was the last book you read?

The 5 people You Meet in Heaven….and that was last July smh

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it. It’s the smell of my childhood.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Most people at school call me Scaz and most my friends outside of school refer to me as Chorlo. (or Wholemeal Chorlo if your name is ellie)

44: What was the last film you saw?

I watched Shrek 2 last night lmfao I forgot how good it was!!

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I’ve broken quite a few bones but I’m lucky never to have done anything awful. Um, the worst was probably when I broke my elbow or when I tore my side open on a nail jumping off a fence.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Aaah yeah I used to catch them every summer!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

I guess I’m between obsessions at the minute; though I’m kind of hooked on supernatural ngl

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

Fuck knows. Not straight. I defo like girls but idk about guys.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Multiple smh. This one girl once spread a rumor I was a lesbian and I was gay for her (before I even came out) and tbh she’d have been lucky. (She was kinda obsessed with me, she was probs suppressing something). It did kinda ruin my confidence though because of all the reactions so I didn’t come out for another 2 years.

50: Do you believe in magic?

I don’t know what to believe anymore, but I’m kind of open to learning more about it.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yeah smh. I have a pretty high Grudge Threshold in that I give people a lot of chances but once they reach that level there’s no going back and I won’t forget what they did.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I either save it for months or blow my savings in an hour.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

A bus ticket?

55: Love or lust?

Love defo

56: In a relationship?

As if lmao

57: How many relationships have you had?

Three, but none of them lasted that long

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

At home all day working

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

I’m sitting on a pink sofa lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Yeaaah, one is glittery the other has skulls on which sums me up pretty well tbh

62: What’s your favourite animal?

I love so many animals I don’t know!! Capybaras? Alpacas? Giraffes? Chimps? Idk?!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Lmaoooo I have no idea I haven’t found it yet

64: Where is your best friend?

3918 miles away on the east coast of the USA (I get to see her in 9 days though I’m so excited!!)

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

(I won’t tag them but in no particular order) Pansexi-unicorn, onetinygay, shrekthelesbian, oneshappyplace and only-slightly-dangerous

66: What is your heritage?

I’m white as a toilet m8. Nah a lot of my family comes from Denmark/scandinavia which you can kind of tell from looking at me tbh

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping. Sorry that’s not more interesting.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I think it’s like, double barrel as in May-Trump or something

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Maybe..

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Errrm, sort of? I try to make an effort, so that’d be nice. But I’m so quiet and shy sometimes that if I was friends with myself we’d probably never talk lmao

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, no doubt about it. If my boss is that much of a dick I’ll probably lose my job sooner or later, so I might as well lose it helping out a doggo.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I’d tell the people closest to me, but maybe not straight away depending on how I thought they’d react.

b) I’d probably blow my saving and go travelling. I mean, what else is there to do? Oh and finish bingewatching all my shows at that time bc dying on a cliffhanger would really piss me off.

c) Maybe a little? Just because once you die you’re alone with whatever the hell comes after (pun not intended).

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Argh?! Trust? I guess? No point having love if you can’t trust people.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men and Fireflies by Owl City. They both bring on such nostalgia.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6666 as far as the internet is concerned.

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Just like, having someone you can chill with and open up to. Someone where you don’t have to care about embarrassing yourself with or worry about constantly because you trust them. Just like, a super cool friendship but with kissing.

77: How can I win your heart?

Don’t be afraid to be yourself I guess. I love interesting people that don’t pretend to be someone else. Also interesting people with swords.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Who am I to answer that? Idk, I suppose yeah.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Cutting off shitty people and actually valuing myself enough to find new friends.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

7 (could be a lot worse given my height)

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something along the lines of “I’m just dormant” or “Nothing is set in stone.”

82: What is your favourite word?

Un sacapuntas

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Break

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“I amuse myself” or “what the fuck”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Alive (i think its called) by Sia

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Black, red and purple

87: What is your current desktop picture?

It’s a galaxy spacey thing

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I’m torn between Putin and Kim Jong Un (no need to worry about Trump, I’m sure someone already has a plan.)

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

The third question in my inbox rn lmao

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

(I was so tempted to say “ask if they prefer being the big or little spoon” why am I like this)

Idk id probs strike up a convo whilst looking around the room for the best weapon just in case.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Hmmm, I think mind reading would be useful but it might make my anxiety even worse! So that or teleportation.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Any half hour when I wasn’t stressed about exams lmao (bonus if the weather was good)

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

A guy did something that I wish he hadn’t and I’m still fucked up by it sooo that.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I honestly don’t know, it’s not something I’ve thought about with “music-celebrities” lmao

Edit: Hold up I’ve just remembered Halsey exists.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The place I’m going in 9 dayyys!! (Or Copenhagen)

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

When I was really little and hopefully never again

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yup a couple of times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

For fucks sake can’t you all just educate yourselves and get along? Stop. Killing. Each. Other.

[londonruinedme]

London Flatsharing - The Hope, The Horror, The Hell

Over the past 7 years, I've been lucky to have found some great flatshares in London with some really lovely people. I've also been unlucky enough to have lived with some unstoppable lunatics, drug-addled thieves, a nymphomaniac and on one occasion a really whiffy-but-adorable dog called Ruby. But before you can even get to this stage, there's the unpredictable, confidence-crippling gauntlet of the Housemate Interviews to get through.

I admit, I had a pretty good run of just over 12 months in my first houseshare with strangers. My first meeting with them went well; we headed to the pub, and before long the jagerbombs were flowing and all was going swimmingly. At this point, one of the potential housemates drunkenly confided in me that she had, that very day, been suspended from work for ‘suspected theft pending further investigation.’ Sure, at this point you would think alarm bells would ring. However, in the alcohol-fuddled joy of getting on so well with this group of strangers who would potentially welcome me in to their home, I forgot that actually I was meant to be measuring them up too to see if I actually wanted to live with them, never mind the other way around. I was pathetically grateful to be so easily accepted in to the drunken fold, and instead I listened with sympathy to a tale that did sound alarmingly like corporate embezzlement. Anyway. I digress.

We left the pub in a warm beery glow of friendliness. Nobody was more surprised than me when the Head Housemate tasked with Housemate Recruitment turned and said coolly before I left, “We’re seeing someone else later on in the week; once we’ve seen her, we’ll let you know.” Erm, excuse me? You’re doing what? You’re seeing SOMEONE ELSE?! When we’ve just spent all evening knocking back jagerbombs, exchanging witticisms and generally exuding long-lost-friend bonhomie like it was going out of fashion? What do you MEAN you’re seeing someone else?? I was drunk, offended, confused and still homeless. I fell over on my way to the tube station and wrote the entire evening off as a misguided error in judgement. However, I LOVED the house. It had a GARDEN. In LONDON. It had OLD VICTORIAN FIREPLACES with CANDLES in. It had a MASSIVE ROOM with a KING-SIZE BED. I spent all of the next day pining, constantly checking my phone as if I’d been on a date with the potential love of my life and I was excitedly awaiting some contact.

On this occasion, I was lucky. I was the Chosen One. Two days later I received the phone call I had been waiting for, and the room was mine. Sometimes, however, it just doesn't go like this.

The whole process is painstaking and provides an unwelcome window for self-reflection and analysis. You essentially pimp yourself out to anyone who will have you and embark on a journey of embarrassing self-promotion, pitiful white lies and shameless flirting, regardless of gender. The trickiest part is to strike the improbable balance between being that fun-loving, interesting, witty and charming housemate everyone wants to live with whilst also conveying that you are sensible, considerate, tidy and won’t shit on the carpet. A much harder balance than you’d initially think. Conversations (specifically, my conversations) tend to go a little like this:

Them: So, what do you like to do in your spare time?

Me: Well, the usual really. I like going out… But not all the time, haha! I also like staying in and watching telly with a bottle of wine… but not too much, haha! And I rarely spill it, haha. No, I’m kidding, I never spill. I do have a social life and I like to see my friends a lot. But I also like hanging out with my housemates, cooking together etc… But I do have my own life! Haha! I won’t like be here all the time or anything…

Them: Riiiiight…

Me: [panicking] I don’t actually go out that much anymore, not as young as I used to be haha! But I’m more than happy to go out with you guys every now and then… But I do have my own friends… I’m also really tidy and I always clean up after myself…

Them: OK, errrrm, sooo… What do you do for work?

Me: Oh, I get shit loads of free cheese and butter! [I don’t.]

Them: What?

Me: Oh, I work for a dairy company… So I can get you all as much free cheese and butter as you’d like, my fridge is literally constantly full of cheese [it isn’t]

Them: [distant, making notes] Cool, we love cheese.

*awkward lull in conversation*

Me: So… is the shower powerful?

Them: Yeah, well, it’s a shower, so…

Me: Yeah, cool, it looks good anyway. Good shower. Big head.

Them: So the next person will be here in 5 minutes, wouldn’t want there to be an awkward hallway moment or anything…

Me: Oh. OK. That’s cool. I’ve got to go anyway, got another viewing later on [I haven’t, all my eggs are in this overpriced basket]

Them: [door slams]

I leave these experiences feeling like a failure at life, unable to conduct myself in social situations and with the worrisome feeling that if they do in fact select me above all others to take their prized room, I’ve committed to supplying all the cheese and butter the house inhabitants could possibly consume. (Which, incidentally, I didn’t get for free, but had to pay for like everyone else… albeit it at a slightly reduced rate). I then live life on a knife-edge until the Head Housemate in charge of Housemate Recruitment sends that fate-sealing text. If it’s been over 24 hours, chances are you haven’t made the cut, they found someone super-cool who gets free beer and has lots of hot single friends, and they’re hoping that you’ll somehow intuit this and move on. If you’re anything like me, you will go one step further and send that desperate text:

“Hi! Thanks for showing me around – your house is sooo cool! I’d definitely be interested in taking the room – I can move in anytime, please let me know :)”

To which there will be no immediate response. If they do deign to respond to your needy text, it will be crushing, slightly insulting and possibly offensive:

“Hi, thanks for coming to look – we’ve decided to go with someone else as they just seemed to fit in a bit better. Good luck with your search.”

There is no other feeling than pure, old-fashioned rejection when this text is received – you were weighed, you were measured, and you were found wanting. No good can come from dwelling on this – one must move on, still smarting from the rejection, and prepare yourself for the next round of viewings because this, my friend, is just the beginning…

For more incoherent ramblings, feel free to check out and follow my Wordpress blog: 

https://londonruinedme.wordpress.com