#yeah i’m fighting the urge to run away or slaughter u all

[babybabyaphrodite]

thinkin ab the parallels between my awful social anxiety and cullen behavior. yes, i too look like im in physical pain when i am near people. i am absolutely clenching my jaw, not breathing, and sitting ramrod straight. getting overwhelmed by a conversation and just, Fleeing? yeah. having a conversation and sounding just slightly Off because my points of reference for small talk are not current. 30 minutes ago i sat at a restaurant and didn’t eat anything because i physically couldn’t but that’s just because i’m too hot & sexy & inhuman for food. this is a more enjoyable way to interpret my atrocious social behavior.

[luciana-silentstar]

Ayo Lucy’s back a bit early bc as I try to catch up I found some drama and am gonna address it in a vagueish way bc that is how I roll

this turned longer than I figured(go figure lol) so TO SAVE YOUR DASH FROM AN ESSAY here u go

The biggest downfall of not only this community but all communities imo is when people act on emotion. Not everything is black and white(the black and white thinker tells you). Like hey believe you me it really fricking hurts sometimes when someone you care about or a stranger says something that you deem a criticism-- I mean I no longer go for walks just bc one a**hole yelled “the dog needs water, you ***damn a**hole!” just. Because my dog was panting. During fall. Like all dogs do. And we were literally almost home lol. So yeah I know he was 100% wrong. And if he was right, he SERIOUSLY could’ve put it nicer. Which leads me to conclude that either A) he’s an ignorant a**hole, or B) he’s not ignorant and just wanted to hurt me. Which I mean good job dude? Only reason I don’t go for day walks anymore is bc I don’t want to see him again. Reason being I really don’t want to break into tears, have a panic attack and resist the urge to challenge him to fight bc me I’m just that hostile and stupid towards people who really deserve a beating. But I digress. I am 1000% sensitive to pretty much everything. Can’t help it. I have a crapton of messages to respond to that I keep having literal panic attacks over. Nice messages. About good things. But my brain is messed up enough that it can’t figure out what to say and thus has a panic attack over it. #logic But even when messages seem critical or w/e, I have to take a step back and calm down. Figure out what the intent of the message was. If I really can’t understand it, I’ll be honest and ask. Like hey I’m not sure the intent of this criticism and it came off as this way, can you tell me if I’m correct in perceiving that? Hard to be honest and open, but you’ll likely get your answer. And if it was meant with kindness or good intent, I’ll take a step back and try to see if they were right. Like maybe they have a point, even if it was poorly worded. 

Because we all think different ways and perceive things as certain ways, and most people can’t pick up intent and emotions of another person even in person, so through just text it’s. Really hard.

And SECONDLY here’s the part I’m excited to address bc horses but news flash!! Experts fall off!! Experts lose confidence!! WOWEE Batman. Shocker, I know. But man everyone experiences different emotions when that happens. Like yo my worst fall was on a trail ride like deep in the woods and then out into a wide open trail. My horse slipped and spooked and I fell off.. but my foot was caught in the stirrup. At this point in time I’ve done english/dressage/jumping, western and bareback riding and had no problems jumping on this horse bareback with no helmet(though I always did wear a helmet anyway because please wear helmets!! One accident could have dire consequences). So anyway yeah we’re on a trail, horse spooks I fall off foot in stirrup and my first thought is “oh my god, I think my spine is broken. great now I’m paralyzed and my entire life is going to change this is great” and once I realized what was still happening it was “oh my god please do not run away I won’t be able to catch you and you’ll get lost and starve to death in the wilderness” Lucky for me my saint of a horse always comes to a full stop whenever I willingly or unwillingly get off(practicing emergency dismounts was so funny because while everyone elses horses would still be trotting or walking, soon as I came off she’d slide to a halt like “HEY WOAH what’re you doing??” She’s a saint), so lucky me dislodging my foot wasn’t bad at all and I didn’t lose my horse. Also bonus good news, spine was fine. Just a bruised tailbone but word of advice, if you can help it DON’T EVER LAND ON THAT. IT HURTS LIKE HECK oh my god. The point of my long winded story is my confidence was fine until I got in the car. And it wasn’t.. really my confidence that was damaged? I thought I was fine but I just started crying. So whatever the heck that was was a thing. More points to address is

The speed at which you feel comfortable doing certain things/your trainer lets you do certain things doesn’t make you a good rider. Sorry. I mean heck my grandfather has literally zero fear and I know he could take my horse over jumps but would he be a good rider? HELL NO would he need practice bc he... he’s special lol. So I really don’t care if you can ride your horse bareback over jumps with no helmet. Not a mark of how good a rider you are, only a mark at how tolerant/obedient your horse is and how well you can stay on. I’ve see way too many people able to ride like that, but horribly. I also see people competing in high level dressage that are horrible at dressage lol but that’s another story.

Also, horses don’t need to be ridden. Like, they literally don’t. It’d be just as stupid to tell someone that they shouldn’t have a dog since they’re not doing agility/racing/scent work/bitework/insert more sports here. One of the biggest things sending horses to slaughter is that most people only want horses they can ride. When a horse isn’t sound to ride, you sell them. Outgrow the pony? Need a horse with more energy than your old lesson horse? Horses are constantly thrown away when they’re not what someone needs or wants. Unlike cats and dogs, it’s completely normal for horses to bounce around to home after home after home. Which is why I will never sell my horses so long as I have the means to care for them. Dixie is too old to breed for her pretty color, and too old to do serious competitive work with and most people would continue to abuse her, thinking they’re teaching her “manners” for “misbehaving” or “disrespecting” them when really she’s just terrified. Rory would be beaten into submission for “challenging them” and if he decided to pick up his old habit of charging people, would probably just be euthanized. Or beaten more. One of my biggest life goals is to get my Panda back. He’s lame and will be the rest of his life, but I would easily spend thousands just to have him, legally mine. He’s my heart horse and I don’t care if he’s a pasture horse forever. As long as he’s comfortable and happy, he’d be worth all of that. So what do horses need?

Horses need adequate food, clean water, shelter, and enough room to run around and stretch, socialization, proper vet care, and freedom from pain and fear. I’ve had Rory two years and I’ve ridden him twice. Do I deserve to have him? Yup. He gets all of the above and a bit extra bc I love to spoil any living thing that’s mine. And now he’s at a fancy dressage barn and has even more space, even better hay, and more friends to hang out with. And even if I never ride him, there’s no reason I should sell him as long as I can pay for vet and board.

If you wanna fight me on this, by all means, shoot me an ask. But you’ll have to do it on your tumblr, or make one to do so. If you get to know who I am, I should get to know who you are~ But I highly doubt that’ll ever happen because the mark of a critical anon is lack of guts to say it with their name behind it.

Also I should add that most people who ride horses competitively for money already have a crapton to begin with. There are so many incredibly talented people who never make to to big competitions bc of lack of money. So if you’re telling someone that they’ll never succeed in this sport, if you mean as a career, unless you have a lot of money you probably won’t either. But that’s not why we ride, so. 

I mean what is this, the saddle club? Fricks sake.