#yes I’m a fucking moron who can’t do basic addition think as little of me as you want

[pissjesus]

When customers hand me change after I already entered the bills they handed me into the register forcing me to attempt math in my head on the spot: I would deadass rather you shoot me in the head

[milk-luvr-dot-com]

“A New Assistant” - The Thick Of It - Chapter 3

Summary: Nicola juggles a grieving redhead and a moronic, neurotic press advisor. Ivy and Malcolm have a falling out.

Word Count (this chapter): 5108

Rating: Mature (For adult situations, language)

Warnings: No Ao3 Warnings, Explicit Language, homophobic language, fatphobic language, sexist language, ablest language, implied/referenced past abuse

Categories: F/M, Gen

Tags: Falling in love, crushes, comedy, slow burn, explicit language, original  female characters, AU - canon divergence, mutual pining, friendship, friends to lovers, angst, implied/referenced past abuse, additional tags to be added

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Full chapter and Ao3 link under the cut.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24510592/chapters/59509222

Ivy and Malcolm walked down the halls of the hotel, briskly, and popping along the way to say hello to mindless news people and other members of the cabinet, who were all nervously preparing and memorizing speeches. Ivy wasn't sure why Malcolm had invited her. She was gonna be like a bump on a log the whole weekend, since she was still too new to fully deal with the press on her own. Maybe Malcolm saw it as a training opportunity. Maybe he just wanted to not deal with a bunch of bullshit this weekend. Maybe he just wanted to spend time with her.

The latter was what was actually true. Malcolm just wanted to spend time alone with Ivy. I mean, it wasn't weird to invite your assistant with you to the party conference, right? It wasn't weird to get a room with two twin beds. Right?

Well, actually. Touch of a problem with that. As sitcom as it is, when they opened the door to the room, there was only one bed. A queen size bed. It's as if the fucking people who booked the hotel were trying to tell them something. It was actually pretty likely, rather, because they both had recently pissed off one of the desk jockeys in the department. It wouldn't have been hard to make a quick last-minute change.

"You're actually fucking kidding me, right?" Malcolm said, massaging the bridge of his nose as they entered.

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"What? No. No, I'll just call and ask for a room change. Hang on." He set his small suitcase down and made his way over to the side of the bed with the phone. He sunk in immediately. The bed creaked dreadfully. He cringed.

She sat about 3/4 of the way down the bed on the opposite side of him.

"Hello, sorry, is it possible we could get a room change? You see it's just that-... Jesus Christ, you're kidding. FUCK!" He slammed the phone down, rubbing his face. She whipped her head around. "Hm?"

"They're completely booked. No other rooms."

"Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch, then." She shrugged, looking back and staring at the painting hanging on the wall above the dresser. It had blues coinciding with a dash of yellow, a close-up of a field of forget-me-not flowers. "Pretty painting."

Malcolm was lost in thought, staring at the neutral carpet grain that hadn't been changed since the 70s. "Huh?"

"That painting. It's pretty. I don't know the name of those flowers. And trust me, I've seen a lot of flowers, I used to work in the funeral industry."

He turned, shifting further down the bed. "They look familiar." Ivy looked over at him, confused. "My mother used to garden. I'd help her occasionally."

She smiled, in a snarky manner. "Malcolm Tucker's a poof."

"Shut up. Right," he clapped, rising. "We've got to get a wiggle on, we've got reporters to jack off."

She stood up as well, following him. "A wiggle on?"

"You know what I mean. Come on, come on, come on."

  They met up with some press people, among other friendly faces. It was still fairly early. T minus 2 hours until Nicola inevitably embarrasses herself.

"I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them." He pointed to one of his mates' ID badge photos. The bloke picked it up, looking at it briefly. "They've got Roy fucking Orbison doing that."

"I've heard he wasn't even blind." Ivy added, elbowing him. She was purposefully trying to embarrass him, as a joke. 

"Malcolm?" The woman who's badge read Angela Heaney inquired.

"Yeah?"

"Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today?"

"Oh, yeah, of course, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically I'm an underemployed fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, unspellchecked shit, fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers."

Ivy pressed her lips together, going wide eyed briefly to show her annoyance, albeit agreement. Angela began to explain, "Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech, they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not ONS."

Malcolm shot a look at Ivy, who immediately pretended to take a call, and walk off. "I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's nothing in that at all." He said.

"Nothing?"

"Nope, nothing. Catch you laters, alright?" He walked away, joining Ivy, who looked at him as soon as she said, "Whoever fucking leaked it is going to be leaking drool for the next six months after I've beat them into a shell of a human with a golf club. Fix it, or you'll hear worse from Malcolm. Right. Bye."

"Jesus. You're really hurling the colorful insults now."

She brushed past him, and began walking to their next destination. He followed. "Well, I learned from the best."

“Okay. So,” He clapped, “I need to phone the PM and tell him.”

“Uh, we could go up to the halls. No one’s up there.”

“Yes, right,” he pointed at her, “good. Get away from all these leeching journalists.” 

They took the lift up a couple levels. Ivy didn’t expect him to stay near the lifts. No, Malcolm liked pacing. She wasn’t sure if it was a nervous habit of his (because she wasn’t sure if Malcolm was ever nervous,) or if walking around just made him feel important. Either scenario was realistic.

They lurked around the halls. Ivy was pretty sure their room was nearby. Maybe she’d pressed the same button as before by muscle memory. She could hear background chatter from various rooms of important people cheersing and toasting for important causes. But it was mostly drowned out by Malcolm’s stern voice. Being honest with herself, Malcolm was more important than anyone in those rooms.

She expected to get ambushed at least once by some eavesdropping journalist, like Nicola did. Oh, who was she kidding, Malcolm wouldn’t let that happen. He’s got a stick far too up his arse for that. He was like a light sleeping soldier in a warzone with that sort of thing.

What they did get ambushed by, instead was the crack-addicted Timothee Chalamet (Or Olly, if you prefer,) and a ginger woman.

“Oh, hey, Malcolm, Ivy. How’s it hanging?”

“Like the Gardens of Babylon. Do you know where Lord Clarkham’s room is? I’m gonna go and try and stick his balls in his fucking trouser press.”

Ivy looked Olly up and down, then smirked sarcastically, “I see you’ve pulled.” She winked.

“Uh- look this is Julie Price. She is the people’s champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech.”

“Julie Price?” They both stopped in their tracks and turned, shaking hands gently with her.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Ivy cocked her head sympathetically. “It was a massive tragedy, bless you. Are you being looked after? Olly treating you well?”

“Oh- oh not bad, yeah.”

“You stick with Olly. He’s a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic Leo Sayer, there, but… Hey, could I have a picture taken with you?” He pulled out his phone, handing it to Ivy. “I’ve got a little collection of memories, you know. Mandela and stuff. Ivy, could you do the honors?”

“Mhm! Of course.” She stepped back. “Smile!” She said.

Julie flirtatiously hit Malcolm, calling him a stunner or something along those lines. Ivy took it as an opportunity to mischievously scowl at Olly. “You really are impressive. Hey, do you know who else is impressed by you? The PM.” He mentioned, grinning.

“He has a nice part in his speech where he’d be honored to introduce you and have you on. If, you’re up to that, that is.” She clasped her hands in front of her.

“B-But that might clash, a bit. Uh, you know because Nicola’s having her on.” Olly said, looking pathetic.

Julie excused herself to the restrooms. Olly clenched his fists, desperately trying to convince Malcolm otherwise. “Y-You can’t do that!”

“You gonna stamp your foot and slam the door to your bedroom next, little Timmy?” Ivy mocked.

“Boo-hoo, Olly. Can do, have done.”

“You want us to think of a whole entire new speech in 2 hours? 2 hours?”

“We don’t want you to do anything, but if you’d like to keep your reputation and probably your jobs, you will.”

“But that’s not fair!” He made a concerned face.

“Suck it up, fuckface. If she goes on with Nicola, she’ll be watched by 15 house-bound mouthbreathers. And the swelling ranks of the unemployed, who hate us, by the way. If she goes on with Tom, it’ll make 10:00 o’ clock news.”

“It’s for the greater good.”

“Yes, the greater good, thank you, Ivy.”

“Julie, hello. Feeling better?” Ivy smiled gently, yet falsely. “So, what’ll it be, Julie? Would you like to stick with Olly here, or do you want to run with Tom, or sorry-” She laughed, as if to seem sweet. “The PM, for your speech?”

“Uh.. I’m going with the big boys.”

“Great! Good, yes, the big boys.” Malcolm said.

“Oh, sorry Olly. It was lovely meeting you.”

“Right this way, we’ll introduce you to the PM.” They walked off, leaving Olly a pathetic begging loser. They walked down the hall, standing either side of Julie like bodyguards for organized crime. Malcolm began making light conversation.

“Are you in the hotel?”

“Oh yes.”

“Oh, lovely.”

“Well,” she chuckled, “I wouldn’t call it lovely.”

They laughed along. “Oh, John!” Ivy called the bearded bloke from earlier over, who looked like he was in a rush. But he was always that way, she guessed.

“This is John, the press organizer.”

“Yes, we’ve met before.”

“Oh, have you, lovely! Are you a texter?” At some point, Julie began fiddling with her phone, and appeared to be texting someone. Malcolm shot a look to Ivy, then glanced briefly at John. She nodded.

“I’ll be with you in a minute.”

“Excuse us for just a tick.” Ivy pinched the sleeve of John’s suit jacket, dragging him down the hall a bit. “Look, okay. I need you to just casually mention to Alan Dunn and…  I guess Lindsay Anorexi at The Mail, that the PM has commandeered Julie Price for his speech. Okay?”

She turned, but was cut off. “B-But that’s not strictly true, is it?”

“Yeah, and strictly come dancing isn’t strictly dancing, there’s also a bit at the beginning where an old man dribbles. So what?” She got in his face. She was going for intimidation, but it was clear John was uncomfortably turned on. So she guessed she’d settle for dominatrix.

“I-I don’t know what that means, but-”

 Just then, Glenn came hobbling down the hall like a washed-old Bradley Walsh look-alike in a Sainsbury’s cracker aisle. Ivy didn’t notice, but Malcolm sure did.

Glenn brushed past Ivy. “Oh, Glenn, I can see you’re a tad peeved.” He got in Malcolm’s face.

“I’m not having it, you’ve gone too far!”

“Get a grip, Glenn. I didn’t fucking cum in your fucking mouth.”

John began laughing, which caused Glenn to turn attention to both Ivy and him. “Are you in on this?”

“Nope, just following orders. Like a nazi guard.” He did the anti-semetic salute. “You’re not Jewish, are you?”

“...No?”

“Oh, good.”

“Ivy, can you take her?” She nodded. “Julie, if you could just step in there for a moment and have a chat with some lovely people. Have some tea and biscuits. We’ve got to deal with a um… internal issue. You do understand, don’t you? Good, go on.” She didn’t wait for a response, she just shoved her gently into the room.

“You,” Malcolm pointed at John, “fucking Henry the 8th’s lobotomized cousin, piss off and back to your sad job.”

John, did not in fact, piss off. The dank cream colored hallway slowly grew more lively with increasingly angry chatter paired nicely with erupting laughter from important people in important rooms. Like a fucking wine and cheese pairing. Malcolm and Glenn were bickering about Julie, which had an intermission with one of Malcolm’s famous quips, “Oh, shit, wow here’s the beige fucking power ranger now!”

Glenn continued, pushing harder each time. “We’re taking her back!”

Olly, John, and  Ivy began trying to diffuse the situation. She swore to herself this was the last time they were going to agree on anything. 

“Can we get a bit more sane about this?”

“Malcolm, calm down, please. Glenn, just fuck off and help glummy mummy write her new speech. Let it go!”

“Let’s not argue here!”

Glenn continued insisting, getting redder and redder with rage. Malcolm grew more and more annoyed. Ivy’s eyes widened, knowing this was going to get ugly quickly (well, actually, the ugliness had already peaked when both Olly and Glenn showed up at the same time.)

Then suddenly, it fucking happened. Ivy shut her eyes, cringing. John covered his mouth. Glenn went down, landing over Olly.

“Malcolm!” Ivy half-shouted, putting herself between Glenn and him in case it continued, her hands on his chest. He seemed to be over it, shaking out his fist in pain. 

“You hit me!” He whimpered out, kneeling on the floor.

“No! I did not hit you! You hurt yourself!” Malcolm lied, artfully. She lowered her arms, knowing the worst was over for now. “Respectfully, what the fuck sir!” She hurriedly whispered.

Glenn whined that he thought his nose was broken. “Noses can’t break, it's a myth.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

Ivy went to go help, “lean forward, c’mon, mate. I used to be a barmaid, don’t worry, this isn’t the first suckerpunch to the nose I’ve dealt with. Does anyone have a towel? Good, good, yeah. Here you go.” She let him dab the wounded area. She sucked through her teeth, “It doesn’t look good.”

Malcolm told Olly to get him back to this room. Julie was dealt with by John, not very well, but still fine enough. “No one saw that?” He asked Ivy, who was the only other person who remained, and thankfully it was just her. Anyone else would likely have received another of the same if they happened to cross Malcolm. “No, no one. Fuck, Malcolm!”

He hurried off in the direction of their room. He opened the door, letting her in before slamming it back again. “Jesus fucking tapdancing Christ, Malcolm, you broke a man’s nose!”

“Oh, he’s fine.”

“It is so not fucking fine!” She stood there, shocked, choking on words coming out of her mouth. He sat down in the chair that faced the door, looking at her stoically. “Do you know what fucking makes this worse? Hm? This didn’t fucking help anything. Glenn and Olly and Nicola are all still going to be seething with rage at us for taking their fucking star player!”

“So what?”

“So fucking what? You’re actually kidding me. You’re so fucking caught up in the moment, so fucking primal like a tiger looking for it’s next meal. You don’t even fucking think of the future.” Ivy’s voice began breaking, on the verge of tears. “Do you know what all that career hopping taught me? It taught me I was fucking wrong. I was fucking wrong so many, many times. I was so fucking wrong to waste money on schools that got me no more happiness, I was so wrong to waste my remaining teenage years bunging around the cinemas with my friends instead of being at my bedridden mother’s side. And right now, I’m thinking I’m wrong in getting involved with you.”

He slapped the arms of the chair, getting up so fast. “THEN FUCKING LEAVE, IVY! I NEVER ASKED FOR YOU! I NEVER ASKED TO BE AROUND YOU 8 HOURS OF MY FUCKING DAY!” He stood over her. She backed off quickly into the skinny entryway of the room, touching the wall almost. Her eyes widened, out of fear. Making eye contact with him, she let tears begin dripping down her face. She covered her mouth, muffling whimpers of things like “please don’t hit me.”

Malcolm bit his lip, backing up, and pressing his back against the other wise of the entryway. He could have sworn his eyes felt wet with salty droplets, which refused to fall. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“What?”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Ivy.”

She stayed quiet for another minute, wiping away her tears, and sniffling. Strangely, she began chuckling. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, you stupid old man.”

He furrowed his brow, confused. "I'm gonna go apologize to Glenn for you."

"You don't have to." He covered his mouth, looking down, ashamed.

"I know." She said as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a one-sided hug that didn't last more than a few seconds. He blushed, looking down at her, frozen. "Right, I'll be back later."

  "Jesus, Ivy!" Nicola shouted when she entered the room almost silently.

She didn't react. "You alright, Glenn?"

"I don't want to speak to you Ivy, sorry. Nor Malcolm."

"I think you should leave."

Ivy ignored her, turning to the bathroom door. "I've come to apologize, Glenn. On behalf of myself and Malcolm."

"Oh, what, 'cause Malcolm couldn't do it himself? Had to get his winged monkey to go out here and do it? Fly my pretties, fly!" Olly tacked on to the conversation, helping nothing.

She shot a look at Olly, before turning around and putting her hand on the door frame. "I'm really sorry, mate. Sorry he did that in the heat of the moment, you know? And I'm sorry I didn't stop it, it was really quite stupid and shortsighted of me. We're under a lot of pressure, right now, you know. It's a fucking war zone. We're soldiers, you gotta expect there's just a bit of friendly fire."

"Yeah."

"Good. Good. I would uh, hug you but I don't want to get any blood on my blouse. Shake on it?" She stuck out her hand, and he took it. The half-dried red liquid between their hands squelched disgustingly. She cringed.

Malcolm entered the hotel room, "How's the patient?"

"I'm fine, Malcolm. Just sore." He called out from the bathroom. Ivy ran her hand under water and dried it off with one of the fancy paper towels. "I've already apologized, sir."

Malcolm nodded, clapping and turning to Nicola and Olly. "Alright, so you've lost Julie. You've got a cavity the size of a prisoner's arsehole in your speech. Got a back-up plan?"

"We'll figure it out, thank you."

"Why don't we help you, hm? I mean, it is the least we could do." Ivy piped up.

"Yes, yes, yes, roll some tits up the flagpole and see if anyone gets wood."

"Christ. Okay, well, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday."

Ivy sat down on the couch behind Nicola's chair. Malcolm joined her. The couch was tiny, as was everything else in the room, so they were pretty close quarters. They didn't mind, but Malcolm didn't stay for long. Again, he liked to pace, and pace he did, like a caged tiger. Glenn joined the group, sitting in the remaining single seat. "He works really hard at planning his holidays." Glenn said.

"Fucking A+ quality sarcasm there that you're lobbing at 'em. Boom."

"I feel like I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist."

Everyone's cell phones chimed, all in sync. "Oh, shit." One of them said. "It's got out!" Another added. Olly sarcastically said, "No, I thought it was room service cold-calling."

"Who the fuck leaked it? No one saw it, right?" Ivy looked at Malcolm. He was preoccupied checking around the internet. "Fuck! It's on Rob Holt's blog! Okay, we need to get your people's champion out of this hotel, before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her."

"So we've got her back again?" Nicola asked.

"Jesus, don't be so sensitive about this!" Malcolm yelled.

"My fucking responsibility! Fuck the speech!" Nicola yelled also, slamming the door to the bathroom.

"Women! Women, huh? Slamming the fucking door. Where did this idea come from? Wilma! Fuck off." He spat.

She called out to him, "I'm making a phone call."

"Make a phone call, phone a fucking friend." He collapsed next to Ivy again into the couch.

"Women," Ivy mocked in a nasty tone. "Okay, Fred Flintstone."

"Shut up." He smiled, looking at her softly. She giggled.

"God, get a room you two." Olly said, without looking up, continuing to type.

"We have a room, sod off and write your mummy's speech." She squinted at him, crossly

"Ivy, we should go back and get ready for the stupid banquet thing." He touched her shoulder, which caught her off guard. Normally she instigated physical contact. "Right you are, yeah."

  They joined some reporters to have wine and break bread in fancy dress. Malcolm dawned a bow tie, which Ivy made mental note of to make fun of later. Glenn had joined them, feeling a bit better, and no longer bleeding.

"Have a bit more, Glenn, go on." Malcolm poured him a bit more. "Watch your step, though, don't go tripping up again."

"Absolutely." They laughed along.

Angela, same reporter as earlier, piped up. "D-Day. What is it, Malcolm? I thought you were one of the boxers, not the emcee."

"No, I've just got to rear my ugly head, as you would have it, at a few receptions this evening. Including the Rod Hughes do for Tom. Believe me, I'd rather slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma." Again, they laughed along.

The same woman continued, "Malcolm, you've started beating up your own guys. That has to be a bad sign."

"Oh, he didn't hit Glenn," Ivy swiped with her hand, smiling, defending him. "No, I didn't. Why would I do that? And there's no proof that I did."

"Yeah, whatever you say, Malcolm," she chuckled.

"Watch," He threw a fake punch "he doesn't flinch."

"Malcolm wouldn't hurt a fly, and trust me, I'd know, because I've had to roll up Sunday's paper and whap a few in his office for him." Ivy said, grinning.

"We're pals, I mean," He went to go stand next to him, "Look at the size of this guy, I wouldn't hit him. Look, he's a fucking man-mountain!"

"Are you calling me fat?" Glenn jokingly attacked back.

"Heh, that's the banter."

They continued for a few more moments. The conversation was slowing, like a dying fireplace on Christmas eve. Malcolm gave Ivy a look, which said "we've got to get going," and they excused themselves. Once they rounded the corner into the halls once again, they saw John, the fucking idiot, from earlier. They stopped, and Malcolm shoved him into a room. Ivy was a bit concerned, considering that she didn't know who's room that was. She figured she might follow them, eavesdropping on their conversation. Maybe she'd pick up a few classic Tucker scare tactics.

She heard something about tweezers from the twat, something about bullocks, and then finally, she heard Malcolm answer his phone, announcing that Julie was the leak. Something about Twitter.

Malcolm opened the door quickly after that, which startled Ivy half to death. "Were you listening in?"

"Of course I was, I wasn't just going to sit outside the door waiting for you like some primary schooler waiting for her mummy, all arms crossed and lunch box in hand."

He raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly, "...So, anyway, Julie's the leaker."

"I know."

"Well how'd you know, I only found out a minute ago?!" They left the room, almost running into a maid on their way out. He looked at her. "Oh, listening in, right. Sorry, I forgot."

"You're as daft as a goat sometimes, you know, Malcolm?" She teased.

"Shush."

Malcolm and Ivy went to Glenn's room, where the 3 fuckheads of DoSAC were increasingly panicking, trying to finish Nicola's speech while she memorized it.

"Squeeze my cock and call me Nancy," Malcolm announced, pushing open the door to the room and inviting himself inside. "Were you born in a barn, Glenn? Keep the door and your arse cheeks tightly fucking closed, right?"

"That's a fucking tiny kettle. Did they use your dick as a ruler, because boy, it sure fucking looks like it." Ivy said.

"Where's glummy mummy?"

"She's having a pee." Glenn delivered.

Ivy suck out her hands, "Oh, Julie!" Julie was seated on the edge of the bed, twiddling her thumbs. "How are you?" She clasped them in front of herself.

She shrugged, "Could be worse."

Nicola came out of the bathroom, jumping at Malcolm's presence. "Fucking hell, Malcolm."

"Julie, darling, could we have a wee word with you?" He said.

"...Why, is something wrong?"

Malcolm squatted down next to her, awkwardly. "Do you know a man called Rob Holt?"

"I've never heard of him, why, what's all this about?"

"Well it's just that he's one of your uh, followers, on... Twitter?" Malcolm looked at Ivy. She nodded, echoing, "Twitter."

"And we think that some of your uh...?"

"Tweets."

"The tweets that you've been doing have actually been reported, out there."

"Well." She exhaled, "What're you accusing us of?"

"We're not accusing you of anything." Nicola said.

"You all look like you're accusing us of something! You fucking sound like you're accusing us of something!"

"No, no, no, no-"

"I've seen Spooks! You have treated me like a bag of shit all day!" Julie began, standing up. "I mean, I'm a very, very patient person, but I've had it up to here with yous lot! I should've known not to trust yous lot, when you fucked over them Metric Martyrs. All I was trying to do was right by my Jason, right? And if he was here now, he'd be fucking appalled by the way yous lot are carrying on. He always said you were a useless bunch of wankers."

Olly came in, holding a bag of crisps which crinkled obnoxiously. Although nothing could be more obnoxious than whatever was about to come out of his mouth. "Oh, Julie! Oh you're back! Excellent. Every epic needs a hero. Put tiny kettle on, lad, I'm gasping."

Malcolm was staring darkly at him, arms crossed. The awkward air was so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. "Uh, everything okay? What's-What's going on?"

"Uh- Malcolm, could you just come to the toilet with me, for a moment." She pushed him into the toilet. Ivy turned to look at it, making a confused face. She leaned towards the door once it shut, to try and hear some form on conversation. She only managed to pick up the gist of the plan.

Malcolm covertly told Glenn something. Ivy was too tired and too over it to figure out what. Julie left by herself in a ferocious hurry. As soon as the door slammed closed.

"Good riddance." Ivy mumbled.

"Do we have anything we can use against her?" Malcolm demanded.

Nicola rubbed her temple, crossing her arm over her chest. "Metric Martyr stuff. That's all I can think of."

"Fruit by the pound?" Ivy lifted herself off the wooden hutch, joining them near the bed. "That's it?"

"Fruit by the fucking pound. Fuck. Okay, well, we say we're dropping her for extremist views. How about that?"

The group shrugged, mutually agreeing that it was good enough for them. "Just don't go into detail, otherwise they'll crawl up your arse like a dirty little Syrian dwarf hamster all over again."

Ivy snickered at her own joke which was in her head. "How do you like them apples? By the pound?"

Olly and Nicola sighed heavily, one of them remarked, "Jesus."

  After quite a night of wine drinking, toasting, celebrating, or otherwise partying, Malcolm and Ivy said their goodbye's and goodnight's to friends and coworkers. They both looked like Hell. Well, it could be worse, but still Hell. Malcolm's bow tie was crooked and half undone (it was actually surprising to Ivy that he both knew how to tie one and had a real one, not just a pre-tied one). He had spilled droplets of dried cherry colored wine on his white button-up, which he had failed to notice in time, so it was likely that they'd leave irreparable stains. Ivy's makeup was smeared, a faint streak of eyeliner spread across her temple from a forgetful moment where she wiped the corner of her eye. Her dress was wrinkled, her hair messy. They were both half wine drunk. The clock read 12 am.

Despite looking like an embarrassing mess, Malcolm thought she was so incredibly gorgeous. He caught himself staring through the cracked door and into the mirror while she was washing her face and brushing out her curls. Good thing her eyes didn't catch his or he'd never hear the end of it. "Who's sleeping on the couch?" She asked, kneeling down beside her bag to pull out her pajamas.

"Huh?" He said, setting his tie in his overnight bag and removing his jacket.

"I said, who's sleeping on the couch?" She went back to the bathroom, this time closing the door so she could change.

He pulled his shirt out of his trousers and began unbuttoning it. Malcolm didn't listen to a word she said. All he knew is that she asked a question. So, he responded, "Sure."

"Were you even listening?" She laughed.

"No."

"Whatever. Are you decent?" Ivy had finished getting dressed. So had Malcolm, apparently, since he answered with a "Yes."

She stepped out of the bathroom, crouching down once again to put her clothes away. Malcolm felt his heart skip a beat. Oh God, he thought, she's even more stunning now. She was wearing a plain black spaghetti strap tank top and soft pajama shorts. She wasn't even trying to be attractive, she just plain was. Ivy had her arms crossed over her chest, staring at his face stoically.

"Right, I don't really feel like hunkering down on the couch tonight. So I'll sleep under the covers, you sleep on top."

"What?"

She sat on the side of the bed that had the flower painting. "Do you need hearing aids? We're both adults, get over it." She said, sliding into bed and rolling over. "Just don't snore."

"Fine." He pulled the spare blanket off of the top of the armchair, fluffing it out over the bed and laying under it. "Goodnight, Ivy."

"'Night, Malcolm."

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 4.5

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in chapter 4, Maki opened up about her past, she and Shuichi and Kaito were ADORABLE FRIENDS, Kaito was a huge hypocrite on the topic of burdens, twice, Kokichi helpfully suggested some improvements to Monokuma’s script like an absolute moron, and Kaito’s bonus training for his sidekicks was totally not him desperately trying to prove that they still need him or anything.

Now for the last of chapter 4’s free time!

Shuichi:  (What can *I* do? The only thing I’m good at is solving mysteries, but I can’t figure out this academy.)

That’s not the only thing you’re good at, Shuichi! Your detective’s brain also makes you pretty good at coming up with plans. That plan with the cameras in chapter 1 was really not a bad plan if you ignore the fact that the entire premise of it (that the mastermind wouldn’t have a way of knowing about it) was flawed. But of course Shuichi wouldn’t think that or want to attempt something like that again since it indirectly got Kaede killed.

Keebo:  “What can we each do to make sure that we all survive…? We all possess Ultimate talents. There *must* be something we can do.”

YES IT’S ALMOST LIKE THE ULTIMATE ROBOT COULD GET US OUT OF HERE OR SOMETHING.

Geez. I was mostly not being too mad at Keebo because I figured he was largely oblivious to the difference his weapons could have made anyway, but this makes it a whole lot less excusable. (And again, there is no indication given that he’s not doing so because of his inner voice, which is the only truly justifiable reason that would make sense within the story.)

So that’s even more reason for me to not hang out with Keebo here like I wasn’t going to anyway, because that should by all rights lead to Shuichi persuading him to use his weapons and get everyone out of here today. And that’s obviously not in line with canon.

Gonta:  “Hi, Shuichi! How can Gonta help you today?”

Heh, this mostly just sounds like a polite, gentlemanly greeting, but in this chapter’s context, it definitely has undertones of “please tell Gonta he can help you today, Gonta really wants to be able to help you today”. Sorry, Gonta, I’d love to, but we’re already best friends; Shuichi needs to spread his friendship around others too.

Miu is in the computer room as she was all day yesterday as well, but interestingly, right now Kokichi’s hanging around in the corridor not too far from it too. He does apparently help her set things up for their Virtual World trip, so maybe that’s what he’s doing right now.

Despite Kaito not showing up anywhere on the Monopad’s map due to what is presumably a programming oversight (even characters who aren’t available should have their locations shown, with the understandable exception of Kokichi in chapter 5), he does exist during this free time slot and is perfectly available to hang out. The wiki says he is unavailable right now; the wiki is wrong. He’s in the warehouse. You’re welcome.

(The first time I played through this game myself, during which one of my missions was to find every piece of optional dialogue I might not have seen from Youtube playthroughs, I was determined not to give up on finding Kaito here and resolved to manually check EVERY SINGLE ROOM IN THE SCHOOL IF I HAD TO. Thankfully I started from the bottom up and the warehouse is on the first floor.)

Kaito’s reason for being in the warehouse probably has something to do with the fact that it apparently contains medicine. Like, you know, painkillers and stuff.

Kaito:  “I can see my training is already having results for you and Maki Roll.”

It is, and Kaito has every right to be proud of himself for that!

But it’s also interesting that while a lot of the characters are focusing on thinking about what they can do, since that’s what they discussed at breakfast, Kaito is instead focusing on what he already has done. Almost as if thinking about what he can do in future is painful and discouraging because there’s almost nothing he can do (short of suggesting even more bonus training for his sidekicks, which still isn’t going to help them escape), and so he doesn’t want to dwell on that.

Kaito:  “But don’t slow down here! It’s important to keep up your training every day.”

It is! Shuichi and Maki (with the addition of Himiko) are absolutely going to keep up their training every day when they get out of here.

(Also, remember back in chapter 2 when I mentioned that I’d started doing exercise myself thanks to Kaito? I’ve been doing that every single day for a little bit over a year now, and it’ll be several months more than that by the time this part I’m writing actually gets posted. Kaito is the best.)

Anyway, we’ve been on a roll with Maki lately in the rest of the story (pun totally intended), so let’s continue that by hanging out with her, shall we?

She happens to be in the dining hall, which is just across the corridor from the warehouse and therefore tantalisingly close to where Kaito is. They could all hang out as a trio again! Kaito would also want to hear more of Maki’s heartbreaking backstory! No? No. Silly game mechanics.

Maki:  “Something only I can do… I can think of just one thing. …I know what you’re about to say. But… that’s the reality.”

Oh, Maki. That’s not the only thing you can do!

Maki:  “Of course, I’ll think about… other things I can do.”

Exactly! You can fight and protect us!

Shuichi:  “I didn’t know that assassins were scouted.”

As the event proper begins, Shuichi just straight-up continues the conversation they were having last night. This is why I had to save Maki’s third FTE until now at the earliest – because having this before that scene just does not make sense.

Maki:  “It’s better if you didn’t know. Also, there’s no need for you to know.”

I dunno, Maki, if more people knew that there were child-slave assassins out there then maybe some people would be able to do something about it and this horrendous practice might stop. She just can’t see it that way, because she’s had to accept this as her reality in order to cope.

Maki:  “The orphanage I was raised at was run for that reason.”

Shuichi:  “…What do you mean?”

Maki:  “To raise potential candidates for assassins.”

Yup, that’s the truth of her orphanage. That’s not remotely fucked up at all.

Shuichi:  (How much is Maki carrying on her shoulders…? Such small shoulders…)

Heh. You sound like Kaito, Shuichi.

Maki:  “The basic training forces your body to go beyond its human limitations. They physically beat us to help us withstand torture, and taught us how to die when needed…”

Happy fun Free Time with upbeat music as our friend casually tells us about how she was tortured.

(It really is a shame Kaito couldn’t be here to hear this too. He would 1000% want to help her carry this awful burden just like Shuichi is doing, even though all they can do is listen.)

Maki:  “The only option left when you fail a mission is to die, right? Dying sooner is the nicer way out. It’s much better than being tortured alive.”

…I mean, she failed that one mission with the katana and didn’t have to die for it. I guess what she’s really talking about is if she were to get captured by an enemy of the assassin cult that would use her for information.

At least this means that when they’re all considering group suicide in chapter 5, Maki would know how to also kill herself painlessly at the end of it. You know. Reassuring thoughts.

Shuichi:  (I can’t bear to think of what Maki had to go through…)

I know, Shuichi. It may have never really happened to her, but she’s still having to live now with the memory of it, believing that it really happened to her, and that’s not fucking fair at all.

Maki:  “They tried to drag my dignity and tear it… To make me feel empty…”

They were trying to turn her into an empty, cold-blooded killer without a heart. And they didn’t succeed.

Maki:  “I wouldn’t have accepted the job in the first place if I knew I couldn’t do it… But most importantly… If I broke, then *that girl* would replace me…”

We’ll hear more about this next time, but she’s talking about her best friend from the orphanage. She put herself through what she knew would be literal torture and refused to break under it because if she did, then her best friend would go through that instead. God, Maki is amazing.

(Again, technically none of that really happened to her, but thanks to those fake memories, the person standing here is someone who really would do that kind of thing.)

Shuichi:  “That girl?”

Maki:  “… Sorry… Pretend you didn’t hear any of that just now.”

But it seems like, at least for right now, she’s not quite ready to open up that much. She’ll get there, though.

Kokichi:  “I bumped into Kaito, and he ended up giving me a lecture. He told me to think of a way to escape…”

Kaito has still been trying to get through to Kokichi! He still hasn’t given up on Kokichi and believes there’s some semblance of a decent person inside him who actually wants them all to escape! Kaito is so good.

(It also seems that, despite his earlier declarations, Kaito realised that punching him again might give off the wrong impression and decided to just stick to words this time.)

Kokichi:  “But the only idea I can think of is becoming the blackened myself.”

And… Kaito’s not wrong about Kokichi, but he is underestimating how massively, completely inconceivable it is to Kokichi to actually acknowledge that buried part of himself and start being co-operative. What’s about to happen tonight isn’t going to be for lack of Kaito trying to stop it, but even Kaito isn’t enough here.

Kokichi:  “That’d entertain everyone.”

Which is exactly what Monokuma wants, you are playing right into his hands and you should know this, you goddamn idiot.

Gonta:  “Nrgh… Gonta tired… Gonta think too much…”

Awww, Gonta. He’s been trying so hard.

Gonta:  “Rest is important, too… Gonta have to make sure he not useless when everyone need him!”

“When”. He’s still managing to stay so optimistic that that time will come. (Which it will. Sooner and far more tragically than you think, Gonta. Gaaaaah.)

Anyway, this time, in the very last chance we have for it, we’re hanging out with Kaito. Come on, now – you didn’t really think for a second I was going to go through the story without maxing out his FTEs, did you?

Kaito:  “O-Oh, Shuichi… What’s the matter?”

Just like he did a day ago, Kaito doesn’t seem super-thrilled to suddenly encounter Shuichi wanting to talk to him.

Kaito:  “Yeah, I don’t mind talking, but… My stomach hurts a little. Can we talk somewhere I can rest?”

But this time, he’s actually being somewhat honest about what the problem is. That’s pretty remarkable. Sure, for Kaito to be admitting to Shuichi that his stomach hurts a little, it must really be hurting one hell of a lot, but still. Kaito being willing to show even just a tiny bit of vulnerability in front of his sidekick is such a big deal and warms my heart. It’s okay, Kaito. Shuichi isn’t going to be any less inspired by you just because you’re struggling with a lot of things yourself, you absolute wonderful moron.

Shuichi:  (I spent some time with Kaito… Didn’t he say his stomach hurt last night too? I hope he’s okay…)

I’m sure Kaito hates the fact that his tiny nugget of honesty is making Shuichi worry about him and doesn’t want him to do so at all… but Shuichi absolutely should be worried about his friend.

Kaito:  “Hey, you got a minute? I got something to talk about.”

Shuichi:  “Ah, okay…” (He seems upset…)

Shuichi’s already getting the sense that there’s something more forceful about Kaito than usual as we start the event proper, and boy is there a reason for that.

Shuichi:  (Did I do something to make him angry?)

This, however, is not that reason. But of course Shuichi is lacking enough in self-assurance that he would immediately think this is somehow his fault. Of course it wouldn’t ever occur to him that maybe Kaito has issues and problems of his own and that might be what’s at the root of this rather than Shuichi having done anything wrong. (And this won’t be the only time Shuichi misunderstands Kaito in literally exactly this way.)

Kaito:  “I’m just gonna say it! What are you moping around for!?”

Shuichi:  “What?”

Kaito:  “When my sidekick is moping, it really ticks me off!”

Shuichi:  (I’m… moping?)

Shuichi isn’t moping. He’s still not a shining paragon of confidence or anything, but he’s been able to be a lot stronger and more positive lately. His own reaction to Kaito’s accusation just now shows that even he didn’t really think there was anything he was being particularly negative about, even though Shuichi is usually his own biggest critic.

Kaito disapproves of moping because it’s just wallowing in your negative feelings without making an effort to make it better. But in this context, the effort to make it better that Shuichi is supposedly avoiding would be asking Kaito for help. Right now, “Why are you moping?” really translates to “Why aren’t you letting me help you?”

Kaito:  “I told you, man! Don’t hesitate to talk to me if something’s wrong. But you’re still keeping stuff from me! Am I not reliable enough!? Spit it out! If you bottle everything up, it can’t get fixed!”

What this whole thing really is is Kaito projecting weakness and worries onto Shuichi in another desperate attempt to show that Shuichi still needs his help. His “Am I not reliable enough!?” in particular shows what’s really going on. Kaito is terrified that he really isn’t reliable enough, not now that he’s dying and Shuichi solved the previous trial entirely without him and is seemingly strong enough that maybe he doesn’t really need Kaito’s support any more.

(It could also perhaps seem like Kaito is projecting his own behaviour of hiding his illness from his friends, but like last time, I don’t think the fact that he is incidentally being hypocritical here is the point. If the point was Kaito deflecting, that’d mean that acting like he wants to help Shuichi would just be an excuse to distract from his own problems. But of course Kaito wanting to help Shuichi could never be an excuse – Kaito always wants to help Shuichi, and that’s the real problem.)

Shuichi:  “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not looking for advice…”

Kaito:  “You’ve got some guts trying to lie to me.”

Shuichi:  “…”

He’s not lying! Shuichi wouldn’t lie to Kaito, not about his own weaknesses and struggles, nor about wanting Kaito’s advice for his problems. He may sometimes hesitate to talk about what’s bothering him until Kaito prods him a little, but he has never and would never outright lie about it once prodded if something really was wrong. And if that wasn’t proof enough, Shuichi’s staring at Kaito here with a sceptical face like he’s wondering why Kaito even thinks this.

Kaito should know perfectly well that Shuichi isn’t lying here. So it’s really quite delightfully messed up that he would rather tell himself Shuichi is lying to him than face the idea that Shuichi doesn’t need him.

(Even though the only way in which that’s really true is that Shuichi happens to not particularly need his help right now. That’s a completely different thing from not needing him at all… but Kaito doesn’t seem to realise that.)

A couple of times previously, Kaito did a similar thing of starting off a conversation with someone by trying to make it about him listening to their troubles and helping them – once with Kaede in an invitation dialogue, and once in his first FTE with Shuichi. Both those times, though, when they didn’t need to talk to him about anything, he accepted that and was happy to start talking about something else. But not this time.

Kaito:  “Fine then! Listen up…”

Shuichi:  (Kaito encouraged me, complimenting me about my talent.)

If Shuichi isn’t going to ask for Kaito’s help despite Kaito insisting that he totally should be doing so, Kaito’s going to help him anyway, aggressively complimenting him and telling him he’s awesome so that Shuichi can see how inspiring and encouraging and important Kaito still definitely is. (Really, Shuichi had no reason to have ever stopped thinking that about Kaito in the first place, but apparently Kaito doesn’t see it that way.)

You may have noticed from the way I’ve been talking about this event that I’ve been casually assuming despite the flexibility of FTEs that this is definitely taking place during chapter 4, and that all of this is a part of Kaito’s canonical arc that I’ve been talking about the rest of the time. And the thing is, this event really does have to take place in chapter 4, going by the keeping-FTEs-in-line-with-canon logic I’ve been using. Kaito’s fourth FTE mentioned Shuichi being his sidekick, putting that in chapter 3 at the earliest, and while there are two slots in which Kaito is available in chapter 3, the second of those has him already feeling too unwell for it to be believable that a proper FTE would have canonically happened then. So this fifth and final one has to happen, not necessarily this late, but definitely during this chapter.

But even if that weren’t the case, I’d still consider this event practically a canonical part of this chapter. While nothing in it explicitly mentions chapter 4-specific details, this is so clearly written for Kaito’s chapter 4 state of mind as he desperately tries to compensate for the fact that he’s dying by being as helpful as he can to his sidekicks. It fits in beautifully with the rest of the hints toward that we’ve had so far up to this point – in fact, this event is significantly less subtle about it than anything else has been, which is why I’m happy I saved it until the end like this.

Shuichi:  (I should tell him… Then he’d understand why. I told him all about the case that got me the title of Ultimate Detective. I told him everything… so that he would know how untalented I really am.)

However, it seems like all of Kaito’s aggressive compliments just made Shuichi feel like he doesn’t deserve them and actually start to feel bad about himself. Now, at least, he has something to talk about that Kaito might be able to help him with, even though he genuinely didn’t need to talk about this when this conversation began.

(I don’t think Kaito was deliberately intending to bring Shuichi’s issues out by complimenting him, though. That’s far too underhanded and manipulative for Kaito to do no matter what state of mind he’s in. Plus, I’m not sure he’s even that consciously aware of the reasons he’s been acting this way, which he’d have to be for this to be deliberate.)

Kaito:  “I see… So you were chosen after you solved a case.”

Shuichi:  “Yes, and the most important part… I just happened to find some evidence that was missed. I accidentally solved the puzzle. It was all coincidence, happenstance…”

As soon as Kaito says something that puts things in a vaguely positive-sounding light, Shuichi’s immediately jumping to insist that no, that’s not the point, he barely even deserved to solve that case. It’s hard to know how true it is that it was all just a coincidence, but I’m inclined to think it wasn’t. Even if it is just a matter of Shuichi noticing something everyone else missed, that’s still him having better observation skills than anyone else on that case, which is something that’s important for a detective to have. Shuichi’s just likely to not want to give himself enough credit what with how much the outcome of the case traumatised him.

Kaito:  “Geez… You worry about the most trivial stuff, man.”

Kaito, you’re the one who was fishing for Shuichi to be worrying about even the tiniest thing so that you’d have an excuse to help him.

Shuichi:  “You have no right to say that! You don’t know what I’ve been through!”

Kaito:  “Hah! Nice! It’s good to see you actually have some bite to you.”

Shuichi’s response is a dialogue option that I picked, but I like this one, because I enjoy Kaito being proud of him for being able to stand by his own feelings, not even caring that Shuichi doing so involved snapping at him.

(Mind you, Shuichi was also standing by his own feelings earlier when he was asserting that he didn’t need any advice from Kaito right now, and Kaito was much less on board with that, but, you know.)

Regardless, when Kaito said “trivial”, he was really talking about the culprit’s feelings.

Kaito:  “He killed someone and was trying to get away with it! He’s a bad guy!”

This is an instance of Kaito’s often fairly black-and-white way of thinking, but even so, him putting things this simplistically helps Shuichi move away from worrying about how the culprit felt. Even if the guy wanted revenge, that still doesn’t justify murder, so Shuichi was right to expose him for it. Kaede and Kirumi’s crimes so far during this killing game were much less black-and-white, such that Shuichi has a decent reason to feel at least a little bad about cornering them, but that one guy? Screw him, he’s nothing like them.

Kaito:  “If he’d gotten away with it, he’d be crushed by the weight of his guilt. But you got him before that happened! He should be thanking you!”

It’s also very appropriately Kaito of him to see Shuichi’s job of catching criminals as important because it forces the criminals to take responsibility instead of running away from their own actions and the pain they caused. I especially love that Kaito even sees this as a good thing for the culprit himself. This will be a very relevant idea during this upcoming case in particular, in terms of a certain someone Kaito has already been trying to get through to a lot.

Kaito:  “I’ll support you all the way! I know you did the right thing!”

This might still be Kaito overzealously trying to compensate for his own feelings of inferiority, but it’s adorable all the same. This is all Shuichi really needs from him at this point – not necessarily major advice on specific problems, but just knowing that Kaito’s there for him and on his side no matter what. You’re already doing enough, Kaito. Just keep being you.

Kaito:  “And not just with that guy! From now on, if anyone holds a grudge against you… I’ll kick their ass!”

This is not ironic foreshadowing to the extent that one might think, because Kaito is never going to hold a grudge against Shuichi, however much it might seem that way. Of course, Kaito would also definitely want to kick the ass of anyone who even seems to hold a grudge against Shuichi, even briefly, just because doing so would hurt him. So… that’s a thing.

Kaito:  “So you just gotta follow the path you believe in! You’re my sidekick. So don’t hold back, and rely on me whenever you need to!”

These are Kaito’s voiced lines for his final event, and they couldn’t be more appropriate. They’re adorably full of him believing in and supporting Shuichi, with just a dash of that delightful undertone of him desperately wanting Shuichi to still rely on him even if maybe Shuichi doesn’t need to quite as much any more.

Shuichi:  “Kaito… thank you.” (Alright, so he’s foolhardy. But he supports me and expects nothing in return… He does so much for me… I could never turn my back on that. I will never betray his support and trust. I will never break my bond with Kaito!)

While Shuichi is completely oblivious to what’s going on with Kaito and why he’s being so aggressively supportive right now, it’s still just absolutely heartmelting how grateful he is for everything Kaito does for him and trusts him so wholeheartedly in return. For all of Kaito’s issues that this event has been subtly full of, they’re still incredible, adorable friends, which comes across so strongly here. Most FTEs, when they end on emphasising how much the protagonist has become friends with the subject, are kind of dampened by the knowledge that this is just an optional side thing that isn’t really there in the canon storyline. But here, this just serves to highlight the canon adorable friendship between these two even more and I love it.

And if only Kaito could hear everything Shuichi is thinking here. He would never turn his back on you, Kaito! No matter what weaknesses you might have and no matter what mistakes you might make! You have so much less to be afraid of than you think.

Shuichi:  “…I understand, Kaito.”

…Shuichi doesn’t really understand. He only understands the fact that Kaito will always be there for him, and while that’s true (or at least, Kaito has no intention of ever making it untrue), that’s not remotely the full picture here.

Shuichi:  “I will always depend on you.”

This sounds adorable on the surface, but is potentially pretty messed up if you think about it too hard. Ideally, what Shuichi means is, “I will always depend on you when I need to”, which is the healthy way of looking at it – everyone needs to depend on other people sometimes, and it’s great that Kaito will always be there for him during those times.

But… that might not actually be what Shuichi means. I’ve mentioned multiple times that Shuichi is pretty overly dependent, hence him latching onto Kaede and Kaito so easily… so he might be okay with the idea of always needing to depend on on Kaito. Which he shouldn’t! Nobody should want to be constantly dependent on someone else their entire life, and it’s especially unhealthy if it’s on one single person, no matter how reliable and genuinely well-meaning that person may be. Shuichi should want to become someone who doesn’t need to depend on someone else most of the time, even if that someone else is Kaito.

Kaito:  “Yeah! Just leave it to me!”

Under normal circumstances, Kaito would probably be able to pick up on this and recognise that it’s unhealthy and assert that Shuichi should be striving to become more independent. After all, his former sidekicks he mentioned last FTE no longer need him any more, and he seemed perfectly happy with that.

But in the state of mind Kaito’s in by this chapter, he’s not about to do that. Kaito may be a little bit like this even at the best of times, but right now especially he has become incredibly co-dependent – meaning, he’s pathologically dependent on the idea that someone else depends on him. He needs to be needed. And that’s pretty messed up of him too. There is definitely a large part of Kaito that’s worried Shuichi already doesn’t really need him any more – but he’s not letting that part have a say and continuing to insist that of course Shuichi should be constantly depending on him.

Shuichi’s dependency and Kaito’s co-dependency make them a perfect match for each other in a wonderfully messed-up kind of way, and that dysfunctionality lurking beneath the surface is another of the many reasons I enjoy their friendship so much. If it weren’t for this, things wouldn’t be about to fall apart like they do, and this chapter and the beginning of the next wouldn’t be nearly as delightfully heartwrenching.

Shuichi:  (Kaito’s smile was as bright as starlight. I couldn’t help but smile back.)

Bright like he’s a luminary or something! Space imagery! FRIENDS.

Shuichi:  (…Everything is going to be okay. As long as we have this, we can move forward.)

Oh boy, it sure—

isn’t going to be even remotely okay barely twenty-four hours from now.

Shuichi:  (Sometimes I feel as though I’m dragging him down, but I know I’ll catch up one day.)

You’re not, though, Shuichi! This could not be more completely opposite of how Kaito sees things! Kaito feels like he’s the one dragging Shuichi down, which is precisely why we just had this whole event of him desperately trying to show that he isn’t and that Shuichi can still benefit from his support! But Kaito has apparently managed to successfully convince Shuichi that he’s completely invincible and doesn’t have any problems of his own, so Shuichi has no goddamn clue.

Shuichi:  (I bet he’d laugh and tell me I have a lot of nerve for a sidekick.)

He wouldn’t, though. The entire point of Kaito’s sidekicks is supposed to be that one day they’ll reach even greater heights than him – we went over that in his previous FTE. Kaito should laugh and then tell Shuichi how proud he is of him for coming this far. I guess Shuichi genuinely never did realise that most of the reason Kaito was telling him about his former sidekicks was to imply that the same thing applies to him.

Or, at least… Kaito should show pride in Shuichi if Shuichi ever overtook him. But that’s Kaito at the best of times, and those are not the times he’s in right now.

In the report card summary for this event, there’s also a very similar line to the one from before:

“Kaito, I know it seems as though you’re dragging me along, but I’ll be right there beside you.”

This is such a delightfully ironic line, and the writers clearly knew exactly how important it is since they essentially included it twice. Oh, Shuichi, if only you had any idea just how completely backwards you have it. If only Kaito would tell you what’s really going on in his head, and then you could support him in return and help him figure things out. But then, this is Kaito we’re talking about here.

All of Kaito’s previous FTEs featured him talking about himself, like FTEs are supposed to. And in general, the final event in particular is meant to involve the subject talking about their biggest issues now that they feel comfortable doing so because of their growing friendship with the protagonist, and maybe having the protagonist help them a little with that. But in Kaito’s final one, he doesn’t talk about himself at all. Because of course Kaito would never talk about his issues, especially not to Shuichi, who needs to see him as strong and invincible in order to be able to rely on him, or so Kaito is irrationally convinced. (And if he somehow miraculously did talk about his issues and Shuichi helped him with them, that’d probably mean that what’s about to happen in the main storyline shouldn’t happen the way it does any more, which we absolutely can’t have.)

Yet this final free time event of Kaito’s still manages to be thoroughly about his issues, not even despite the fact that he doesn’t talk about himself and makes it all about Shuichi’s issues instead, but precisely because of it. It is so appropriate for Kaito that things should be this way, and I love it.

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[carrionkat]

Response for kateofthecanals

Here ya go, @kateofthecanals

I don’t really use Tumblr all that much so I apologize for any formatting hiccups or errors in courtesy.

Well, since I agree with literally all of your positive points (especially how Rey and Kylo’s visions could be the same, just viewed from a different perspective), and this is already getting too long I’m just going to address your negatives!

- The turning point for me, going from “YES YES YES!” to “oh…” was immediately after the team-up in the throne room, when I quickly realized that Kylo didn’t kill Snoke because he suddenly “woke up”, and he didn’t do it for Rey… he did it so that HE could be the HBIC.

I actually read the scene differently. Conflict is the central theme of Kylo’s character, so I saw him as undecided up until he realizes that he will never be out from under Snoke’s boot. He wants to be free to decide who he is and the path his destiny will take (as seen in his “let the past die” speech) and he can’t do that while Snoke lives. I think it’s less about taking charge of the First Order, and more about killing the monster who has been pulling his strings since he was an infant. And I think Snoke demanding he kill Rey is what wakes him up, in that it makes him realize that he will never be allowed to make a meaningful choice while Snoke lives. He doesn’t want to kill Rey (in fact he wants her to be a part of the future he creates). He achieves avoiding this by killing the person making her death a possibility.

- I was really bummed when Snoke “revealed” that he was the one who facilitated the Force-bond between Kylo and Rey, but I was relieved to see this wasn’t the case after all at the end when Kylo and Rey had that one last Force-encounter. But again, what was this actually worth in the end? She closed the door on him. It was established in this film, via Luke, that a Force user can close themselves off to the Force. Who’s to say Rey won’t do the same to Kylo? That she will find a way to cut him off completely? There’s literally nothing stopping her, because she has clearly given up on him…

 This is going to be a steep hill to get over, but I think a grand enough gesture from Kylo could get through to Rey. Once she knew what happened to him as a child with Luke, she forgave him for a whole lotta bad. If he were to, say, sabotage the First Order or release a prisoner or something that showed he was still conflicted, I think that could change her mind.

 - … as has everyone else. And with good reason, tbh. The moment Kylo threw Rey under the bus for Snoke’s death, declared himself new Supreme Leader, and went fucking buckwild on Luke, I knew all hope for redemption was gone. Even Leia was like, “nope, I was wrong, he’s lost for good.” Basically what I got out of this movie was, Rey and Kylo “flirt” with the other sides of the Force for a hot second but then just ultimately decide that they belong where they were in the first place. Gee wow what awesome character development…

 I think there was actually development here. Kylo has gone from puppet to free being. His personality beyond that is still malleable. The Dark is what he knows and it’s what he’s been trying to be since childhood, so it’s the path he follows, for now. I’m not sold that it will be the one he continues to follow, however. I also think the hopelessness of the situation is supposed to parallel Empire Strikes Back. We’re supposed to feel grim. This is our heroes’ lowest point; we’re only going up from here.

Also, he despises Luke for good reason. Him going buckwild on Luke isn’t really a condemnation of his entire character. His uncle, who he trusted and loved, tried to kill him. That’s gonna leave some damage. His rage isn’t born out of a hatred for Luke’s ideologies or of hatred of the Light, it’s born out of having his trust broken in the most cruel way possible. Maybe even resentment that Luke’s actions drove him into Snoke’s less-than-kind tutelage, but that’s probably reaching.

 - The revelation of Rey’s parents was just so… banal. I felt like this was thrown in there just to put the question to rest, without any additional thought or exploration, even though that was made such a HUGE deal of in TFA. But, nah, they were “nobodies”, end of story, case closed, that’s all she wrote. It was never even explained how Kylo knew about Rey’s parents!!

 The way I thought Kylo knew is because Rey knew, the whole time, and was just in denial about it. He sees it through their connection. She sees herself in the Dark part of the temple because she already knows the answer. (Also her saying she was “unafraid” while stuck in the Dark says something, but we’ll see if it gets followed up on).

 - I’ve seen people claim that this movie “shuts down” anti arguments for good and that is simply not the case. There is still plenty of ammo from this movie they can use, chief among them Kylo’s cringeworthy statement to Rey that “You’re nobody. But not to me.”

 Oof, yeah, I actively cringed when he said that. Someone’s been reading PUA shit. But if you want to dig for excuses you can bring up that Kylo has literally zero positive interactions with anyone except Rey, and is thusly a social moron who has forgotten what kindness is. What he’s saying is what Rey feels (that she’s nobody), followed up by what he feels (that she’s somebody) and with no pretty trimmings about it. It’s still a really shitty thing to say and I wish that line wasn’t there.

 - I’m glad everyone’s happy that Kylo didn’t actually KILL Leia (which I knew he wouldn’t) but I dunno how many brownie points he gets considering he still let those other fighters take her out…

 He does seem a little shocked when the other fighter’s shots connect, so maybe he was so focused on making a choice that he didn’t realize the fighter’s were taking the shot? Still, I agree with you.

 - And he barely even flinched when Snoke was torturing Rey. You’d think that, I don’t know, since they have a Force-bond and everything, that he would have been able to feel her pain or something???

 Yeah, some kind of reaction would have been nice. I thought I saw him trembling, but I can’t remember it very clearly so I would have to rewatch.

 - During Kylo’s attack on Crait, at a certain point (around the time Luke shows up), Rey just, like, disappears, completely, and doesn’t show up again until the very end to do her rock-lifting trick. Firstly, where the hell was she that whole time, but more importantly, wouldn’t it have been kind of awesome if, like, she could sense what was happening between Kylo and Luke and using their Force-bond try to talk him out of it? And see him actually STRUGGLE with it because he’s still torn between wanting to be with her and wanting to be the Big Bad? Buuuut no, because at that point, both their minds were made up, and Rey had given up on him anyway.

 Rey’s part (or lack thereof) in that battle seemed really messy narratively. There’s no reason for them to be flying over the mountains in the Falcon; they have no reason to believe that the rest of the Resistance is trying to flee the base. Why aren’t they back there in the action? Why don’t they try to blow the cannon up? Or take out the Walkers? The bond that Rey has with Kylo AND the student/teacher one she has with Luke are both just left dangling there. The Kylo/Luke confrontation is incredibly tense and I loved so many things about it, but it does feel like substance was cut for style there.

 - On a more technical level, I was really disappointed by how the Force-bond sequences were filmed. I expected way more from Rian Johnson; this was something any first-year film student could have come up with. Now, I’m not claiming to be “better than Rian Johnson”, but in my headcanons of Rey and Kylo’s Force-conversations, there was a noticeable atmospheric shift – some sort of visual cue that something “different” was going on… Instead of just this basic cutting back and forth between them in their respective locales. Meh.

 There was a bit of an audio cue (the sound warped) but a bit of blur around the edges or color shift or something would have been a nice visual cue.

 - I didn’t find Rose that memorable, sorry. And her whole mission with Finn, much like the Kylo/Rey storyline, ended up being completely pointless, thanks to Admiral Holdo needlessly keeping vital info about her plans from Poe. WHY??? All of it was just an elaborate excuse to send Finn off on another adventure where he would end up back with the First Order so he could finish off Phasma, period. Like, yeah, there was that little hint at the very end that those kids who took care of the fathiers would, like, have something to do with the Resistance in the next movie, but honestly that could have just been a little meta commentary about how kids have been inspired by the Star Wars franchise over these past 40 years. Which is nice and all, but Finn and Rose’s mission was still pointless.

 Agreed; it felt like the weakest part of the movie to me. I wanted to like Rose and Finn, but I kinda ended up resenting that their (ultimately) pointless story was taking so much time away from what I thought were more interesting plot lines.

 I think the last bit was meta commentary, as well as showing that Luke’s words are true; he isn’t the last of the lightside. It’s not just Rey who will succeed him, it’s every child who has heard his story and strives to be good because of it.

 - Same with Holdo. So here’s this lady who just shows up out of nowhere, keeps vital information from Poe for no good goddamn reason, thereby forcing him to come up with his own plan and send Finn & Rose on a wild goose chase, and then suddenly we’re supposed to buy this close, intimate relationship she has with Leia so that we’ll feel all wistful when she decides to go on a suicide mission to protect the Resistance?? That should have been Leia, tbh… and not just for cheap emotional impact. At that point, Leia believed both the cause and her son to be lost and really had nothing else to lose at that point, and it would have been well within her personality to take out as many motherfuckers as she could to go down with her. Holdo should have been set up as Leia’s heir apparent going forward, and Leia going all kamikaze on the First Order would have been an interesting parallel to Luke also sacrificing himself to protect the ones he loved. AND it would have solved the whole issue of how to move forward in the story after Carrie’s death. I mean, we know that Leia was supposed to play a big part in Episode 9, but we’ll never know what that was supposed to be anyway…

I feel Holdo’s story was weakened by that last interaction with Leia and where she says she liked Poe. If she stuck to the opinion she voiced earlier about him being a liability, maybe cautioned Leia about his recklessness, it makes her character more consistent. She’s presented as being kind of “by the rules” as opposed to Poe’s casual improvisation. If they kept her mindset as “he’s an idiot who can’t take orders and that’s an issue; the chain of command exists for a reason; we can’t have everyone second guessing every decision I make and that’s why I didn’t tell him” it wouldn’t feel as wishy-washy. Maybe it could have even worked as a lesson for Poe.

I like that Leia didn’t die here. It helps keep that idea of hope alive. While the reasons you point out for her doing Holdo’s maneuver make sense on a personal level, Leia being alive gives the Resistance hope, and it gives the audience hope.

For some of my personal thoughts on where Kylo and Rey could end up going from here...

Where we leave Kylo he's still in strife. He's gotten everything he's wanted: eliminating his 'weakness,' eclipsing Vader in power (after all, Vader didn’t survive the Sith ideal of killing his master) but it will not bring him any sort of joy. He's lonely and lost, not power-mad, and becoming Supreme Leader is only going to isolate him more. His force bond with Rey is still intact, despite her metaphorically closing the door on him. Their interactions haven’t been intentional, yet they still happen, because they’re both lonely and long for understanding. That’s not going to change for Kylo, even if it does for Rey. That could be a piece of what causes him to change.

Kylo Ren doesn’t give a shit about the First Order, not really. He isn’t making rousing speeches about the necessity of the cause like Hux; his actions are all concerned with Snoke’s orders and his own internal strife. He doesn’t want to lead the First Order because he believes in it, he’s leading to use it as a tool. He wants to destroy his past so he can finally shape his own destiny and decide for himself who he wants to be. He’s been shaped by others all his life; now he’s free of that. Snoke, the biggest influence in his life, is gone. He couldn’t kill Leia when he had the chance. He is pulled to Rey over and over. He seems to feel regret at the end when he finds Han’s dice. The question is, who will be created by this situation? Will it be enough to pull him, maybe not entirely to the light, but into the grey?

Snoke made a comment that I think/hope will come to be very relevant. Something to the effect of “darkness rises, and light to meet it.” The Force strives to create balance. The more dark there is, the more light there must be. But trying to balance two extremes causes tension and strife. They try to eliminate one another, and the pendulum swings wildly between the two. The true way to create balance, is to move towards the middle. I think that’s what the point of Luke’s arc was. Luke’s fear of the Dark helped create Kylo Ren from Ben. His adherence to an order that gave rise to Sidious and pushed his own father into Dark caused it to happen again. This makes it clear that the Jedi order of old doesn’t work anymore.

The Jedi were a defunct order. They swung the pendulum to far to the “Light” and demanded impossible things: emotionless, passionless, unquestioning devotion. Does any of that sound like Rey? Emotion drives everything she does! To eliminate her emotions, to make her a Jedi, it would destroy her entire character. If they do that they’re throwing out all the themes and messages they built up over Last Jedi. Same thing if Kylo stays entirely Dark. I think (hope) that they both come to realize that neither of them actually wants the destruction of the other. Maybe Rey reads those texts that made it onto the Falcon and realizes that she can’t follow the Jedi ideals. Maybe those old texts contain the idea of grey Jedi instead of the Light/Dark dichotomy; after all, there was a shrine to the Dark on the island, so the founders of the temple couldn’t have rejected it entirely.

They’ve set up plenty of signs that point to the emergence of grey Jedi instead of the Sith and the Light. They could end up pulling the rug out from under us and just make IX flat “good” vs evil with no nuance, but that would be ignoring all the work done in Last Jedi, and it would be messy story telling to not follow the cues that they already laid.

And honestly is Kylo goes grey there’s no reason why he and Rey wouldn’t end up together. Force bonds are powerful things, and their awareness of one another is almost painful. Rey would have to shut herself off from the Force to cut off her awareness of him, and is she really going to do that? Maybe she will for a time, but that’s not a long-term solution.

So while there are no steadfast assurances that we will get what we want from IX, I would say that the necessary groundwork for what we want has already been laid.

Oh! Another thought. Kylo’s “rule the galaxy at my side” is the SAME EXACT THING Vader offered Luke (but, like, without the romantic undertones). Like Luke, Rey rejected his offer. But Vader was still redeemed in the end. If Kylo’s story continues his mirroring of Vader, we will get a redemption. The real question is, will we get it without Kylo dying?

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

Tutoring the Tutor

For @sterekgala‘ s Sterek New Year’s Extravaganza.

Ao3 Link on the collection.

It was starting to get a little annoying, if he was being quite honest. He was getting a little frustrated and knew that he was going to start snapping soon, which he felt would’ve been entirely within his right.

“Come on, then. Give us a look.” Isaac leaned into him heavily, attempting to see over his shoulder as Derek tried valiantly to keep his parchment away from his friend. “Derek, it’s due in ten minutes, just a quick peek!”

“You’re not going to be able to peek during your NEWTs, you might as well start anticipating failure now.”

“That was harsh,” Isaac insisted with a small pout. “After all we’ve been through together.”

“All the detentions you got me, you mean.”

“Half of those were Erica,” Isaac argued, pointing to the girl in question, who was lazily turning pages in her book, head held up in one hand, and her boyfriend Boyd pointedly ignoring them.

Derek just rolled his eyes and kept his parchment hidden away from Isaac. Really, it was his own fault for not having worked on it sooner, he knew how strict McGonagall was. He should’ve known better.

Isaac was still trying to fight him for his homework, Derek managing to keep it to himself mostly, when he heard someone say his name. He turned and saw their Head of House, Professor Sprout, waving him over from the other end of the library.

Wrenching his homework away from Isaac, he rolled it up and gathered his books, telling them he’d see them in class, and then headed for Sprout. She smiled at him as he approached, and then motioned out of the library.

He followed without a word, a part of him wondering if maybe he’d done something wrong, but he knew that couldn’t be right. Isaac often got them both in trouble, but it was never anything that he worried would get him expelled. Whatever Sprout wanted, it was likely nothing.

He followed her outside the library and she asked what his next class was before slowly heading in that direction. He figured she wanted to speak with him while making sure he wasn’t late for class.

“How are your studies going?” She asked kindly while they meandered slowly through the corridors.

“They’re fine, I think. Just trying to focus on the harder courses so I’m ready to take my NEWTs in the spring.”

Sprout looked at him fondly. “I remember your first day here as if it were yesterday. I can’t believe you’re already seventeen, in your final year. You were such a quiet little one, it’s amazing how far you’ve come.”

Derek tried to squash the embarrassed flush creeping up the back of his neck. He had always liked Professor Sprout, and he remembered being extremely pleased when he got sorted into Hufflepuff. He hadn’t ever felt like he suited any of the other houses, and he actually liked being in Hufflepuff a lot, even if he was stuck rooming with Isaac, who literally did everything in his power to get them in trouble.

Derek’s immediate family was actually one of the only ones who’d hit all four houses, none of them having been sorted into the same one.

His mother had been in Ravenclaw when she’d been coming to Hogwarts, and after having married their father—who was a muggle, and extremely patient for being stuck in a house with four magic users—they had had three children.

The eldest, Laura, had been sorted into Gryffindor. When she was in her second year, Derek had arrived and been sorted into Hufflepuff. Two years later, with Derek a third year and Laura a fourth year, their youngest sister Cora had started her first year and been sorted into Slytherin.

One family, four houses. Derek felt like he got the best deal.

“I’ve a favour to ask of you,” Spout said after another bout of silence.

“All right,” Derek said, frowning slightly at his professor.

They stopped at the end of the corridor in one of the open areas. People were talking and milling about, some of them heading for their next class while others headed for the Great Hall or the library.

“I’ve got a student in my Herbology class. Brilliant student, very talented, but it seems he’s expressed concerns with professor Flitwick about his struggles with Transfiguration. He’s concerned he won’t pass his OWLs and get into the classes he needs for sixth year.” She smiled sadly. “He’s a good lad, just easily distracted. Professor Flitwick said the student mentioned speaking to professor McGonagall about her best seventh year student, and she told him that it was you. I was wondering if you might be so kind as to help him with his studies this year. I know you have your exams to consider in the spring, but look at it as additional revision. Everything he needs for his OWLs, you will also likely need to review for your NEWTs.”

Tutor? Derek wasn’t exactly the best person to be tutoring someone else. He was grumpy and quiet and impatient. He hated slackers, despised skivers, and mostly liked to just stick to his own group of friends.

If he agreed to this, then he would be missing out on a lot of time with Isaac, Erica and Boyd.

Well, maybe not Isaac, since they roomed together.

But at the same time, everyone knew he wanted to go into teaching. Some of the professors at Hogwarts were going to retire in the next few years, and Derek was interested in seeing if he could get one of the teaching positions. Dumbledore wouldn’t even consider him if he didn’t show he could do this. Tutoring would be a good stepping stone to teaching.

And Sprout was right, tutoring someone else would help him study at the same time, so it wasn’t a terrible idea.

“Sure,” he finally said. “I can try for a bit.” He figured if the guy didn’t work hard enough or sassed Derek, he could always just drop him.

“Great. He’s a Ravenclaw fifth year named Mieczyslaw Stilinski, but everyone calls him Stiles.”

Derek almost groaned but managed to refrain. He knew the name, mostly from Cora. They were close friends, but the Hale siblings all did their own thing in school, so he didn’t really know Stiles, he just knew of Stiles.

He also remembered the first time he’d met him. It had been on the Hogwarts Express, when Derek and his friends had chosen a compartment on the train and had gotten settled. Halfway through the trip, the wall between Derek and Erica’s heads exploded, a hole forming connecting their compartment with the neighbouring one. When Derek had angrily put his face into the opening to tell off the moron who’d done it, he was greeted by a howling Cora, a terrified dark-haired first year, an annoyed redhead and a grinning Stiles holding a wand.

He’d angrily snapped for him to watch what he was doing before he took someone’s head off, and then had been forced to listen to the idiotic conversations from the next compartment over for the remainder of the trip, since the giant hole in the cabin wall made it impossible for them to keep their two compartments separate conversation-wise.

Of course, he should’ve figured Cora would stay friends with him. Despite her being sorted into Slytherin, and Stiles being sorted into Ravenclaw, they were like two peas in a pod and it drove Derek crazy because all he ever heard when they went home was Stiles this, Stiles that, Stiles is so amazing. Laura had teased her for a few years about them being together, and Cora insisted it wasn’t like that. It hadn’t been until this past summer, when Laura had been particularly nasty in her teasing, that Cora had shouted, “Fuck off, Laura, Stiles is fucking gay!”

He knew she hadn’t meant to blurt it out, because she looked horrified with herself for having done so, but it didn’t end up being a problem since Stiles had basically announced it earlier that year. Cora had probably come clean and Stiles had figured it would be best to say so himself before it spread on its own.

Which was ridiculous because who was Derek going to tell? Literally no one. He’d have to care enough about Stiles to talk about him to other people.

“Derek?”

He focussed back on Sprout, who was staring at him with concern, and cleared his throat.

“Sorry, yes professor. I’ll touch base with him in the morning and do what I can.”

“Excellent.” Sprout grinned. “I’ll inform professor Flitwick. He can let Stiles know to expect you in the morning.”

Derek nodded, bid the woman farewell, and headed off to class where he knew Boyd, Erica and Isaac would be meeting him.

He could do this for a little while. If Stiles ended up being as idiotic at his tutoring as he was in general, Derek would just drop him and tell him to figure his own shit out.

No big deal.

“What do you know about Stiles?” Derek asked Boyd while they headed for breakfast the next morning. Isaac and Derek had left the Hufflepuff dormitory early and headed in the direction of the Great Hall, but Derek had wanted to meet up with Boyd first because once Erica showed up, it’d be impossible for them to speak.

Namely because the Slytherin would attach her face to Boyd’s and try and suck the oxygen right out of his lungs. Derek still didn’t know how a Slytherin and Ravenclaw had gotten together, but he didn’t dwell on it. Erica was great, even if she was annoying.

“He’s smart,” Boyd said in his low, deep voice. “Good kid. Causes a lot of trouble, which loses us house points, but he also almost always earns double back for us.”

It was true. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw seemed to be neck and neck for the house cup more often than not since Stiles’ arrival, though his friend Lydia helped, too. They were both eager beavers, and both in Ravenclaw.

“Isn’t your sister best friends with him?” Isaac asked. “Why don’t you just ask her?”

“Because it would mean talking to her.”

“You’re a right wanker,” Isaac said with a grin, the three of them heading for the Great Hall. They’d barely reached it when Erica appeared and, as predicted, she latched herself onto Boyd and they snogged in the doorway while he and Isaac just headed inside. They’d have to split for the tables anyway.

“Save me a spot,” Derek said, heading away from Hufflepuff and towards Ravenclaw instead.

It was easy to spot Stiles, because he was the most animated person at the table, and had a group of fangirls around him, sighing wistfully with their chins in their hands, staring at him with practical hearts in their eyes.

Derek didn’t get it. Especially since everyone knew he wasn’t into girls, but he figured they were just hopeful.

He walked right up behind him and interrupted him mid-sentence.

“Stiles.”

The student in question cut himself off and turned, staring up at Derek and grinning. “Hey Derek! What brings you here?”

“Sprout said she’d tell Flitwick,” he insisted grumpily. “I’m your tutor for Transfiguration.”

“Tutor?” Lydia asked, having been reading beside Stiles while eating her breakfast. “What on earth do you need a tutor in Transfiguration for? Aren’t—”

“Tell the whole school, why don’t you?” Stiles cut off, hissing the words at her while scrambling out of his seat on the bench and motioning for Derek to follow him away from the table. Sighing internally, he followed him to a more secluded area. Stiles crossed his arms defensively, shifting his weight and eying Derek.

“Thanks, I guess. For helping. Um, what time works for you?”

“I’ve got Quidditch practice on Tuesdays after five. Do you have any activities?”

“Nope, I’m cool with only one type of ball flying at my face.” His eyes widened at his own words and he rubbed at his face with both hands. “Ignore I said that.”

“With pleasure,” Derek grit out. “We can set up a schedule for you. How about a few hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Meet in the library after supper and I can help you for a few hours.”

“Sure.” Stiles half-smiled. “Sounds good. So, today too, then?”

“No time like the present.” Derek turned to leave, but Stiles grabbed his sleeve and tugged lightly.

“Derek?” He turned back to him. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“Just don’t waste my time.”

Derek moved away from him once more and headed for his table. He found Isaac easily enough and took the empty seat beside him, the other chatting away at him the moment he sat down. He ignored him for the most part and went about eating his breakfast.

After they’d all finished eating, they headed off to their various classes. Derek saw Stiles a bit ahead of him, along with Lydia. They met up quickly with Cora, and another boy from Gryffindor, whom Stiles immediately put into a chokehold just for fun.

The kid was an idiot. He was still a child, despite being a fifth year, and apparently failing a class, which was ridiculous. How Boyd could insist he was smart, Derek had no idea. There were much harder courses than Transfiguration.

They reached their first class relatively quickly, and took their various seats. Derek spent a majority of the day trying to plan the study schedule for Stiles. He paid attention to his lessons, and took notes, of course, but there were some parts of the lessons he already knew extremely well and he used that time to try and organize his thoughts.

The day passed quickly, and after he finished with supper, he bid his friends farewell and headed back to the dorm to grab some of his books, then went to the library.

Stiles was already waiting for him, books open in front of him and the Ravenclaw taking notes on a piece of parchment. Derek had to at least give him credit for looking like he was trying.

Wandering over to him, he dropped his own books across from him, Stiles jumping before glancing up. He grinned when he saw Derek, straightening and putting his quill down.

“Hey.”

“Let’s get one thing straight,” Derek said while taking a seat. “I’m doing this as a favour to professor Sprout, nothing more. If you slack off, if you don’t show any improvement, and if you waste my time, I’ll drop you and leave you to fail your OWLs, understand? I only have a few months before my own exams, and I won’t waste time on a hopeless cause.”

Stiles seemed a little startled at his words, but he just nodded emphatically, saluting Derek.

“Yes sir, Derek sir! Understood. Shall we begin?”

Derek grunted and asked Stiles what chapters he was struggling with. The first night of tutoring had mostly just been Derek trying to figure out what Stiles needed help with, and taking notes on his various errors and grades—the ones Stiles remembered, anyway. Derek suggested they try some practice wand movements, but Stiles had immediately dismissed that and reminded Derek of the hole in the compartment wall.

Derek didn’t want to lose his eyebrows, so he agreed perhaps the practice could come later and to focus on the academic side first.

All in all, it had been a good lesson. Stiles had been attentive, though he fidgeted a lot, playing with his quill, tapping his fingers, jerking his legs up and down. It was clear sitting still wasn’t his forte, but he’d listened to everything Derek had said, and when the Hufflepuff told him he was assigning homework he expected done for the following day, Stiles had just nodded and agreed without complaint.

After three and a half hours, he decided it had been long enough and they began packing away their things.

“Thank Derek,” Stiles said with a huge grin. “I appreciate your help.”

“Sure,” Derek replied, watching Stiles walk away with a bounce in his step. He just rolled his eyes and gathered his own things, getting to his feet. He turned and almost walked right into Cora, who was standing right behind him, glaring with her arms crossed.

“What are you doing?”

“What does that mean?” Derek demanded, side-stepping her and beginning to head for the exit. She kept up right behind him, poking him insistently in the back.

“I mean what are you doing? Why were you hanging out with Stiles?”

“I wasn’t ‘hanging out’ with your friend,” Derek snapped, turning to glare over his shoulder. Was she worried that Stiles would drop her for him or something? “I was tutoring him.”

“Tutoring him? You?”

“Something wrong with that?” he demanded while they exited the library, Cora moving so they were walking side by side now.

“Why on earth would you be tutoring Stiles? In what class?”

“Transfiguration.”

“Transfiguration?” Cora echoed. “You?”

“Is there an echo in here? Yes, Cora, I’m tutoring him in Transfiguration. Sprout came to me saying he needed help, and I’ve got the best grades in my year for McGonagall’s class, so I was asked to help him out so he didn’t fail his OWLs.”

Cora frowned at him, looking thoughtful. “Huh.”

She turned down another corridor without explanation and Derek just chalked it up to her being worried he was stealing her friend. Cora didn’t have very many, mostly just the same group Stiles hung out with. Stiles himself seemed to be fairly popular, so he always had people around, but he seemed to prefer the company of Cora, Lydia and his Gryffindor friend. If Cora thought Derek was encroaching on her territory, she would be a pain in his ass to deal with.

Derek didn’t hear from Cora again, and when he saw her with Stiles the next day before breakfast, they seemed perfectly normal. The only change was that it looked like Cora was teasing him a lot more than usual, and his face would go pink before he batted away at her. Derek didn’t pay them any mind after that, going back to Isaac’s inane chatter and eventually leaving the Great Hall for class.

When he went back to tutoring Stiles that evening, he found he’d done his homework, as requested, and was somewhat surprised at some of his answers. He hadn’t done horribly, but he hadn’t done great, either. Derek spent a majority of the evening explaining the part where he’d gone wrong and Stiles took meticulous notes, nodding along and listening attentively. They parted around nine, Stiles grinning broadly and thanking him before gathering his things and exiting the library.

This continued on for close to a month, and Derek found Stiles was improving little by little, which was really rewarding for him, because he was obviously making a difference. He still got frustrated at some of the insane errors Stiles made, but he fought for patience and just explained them to him again.

By the second month, Stiles was improving further, but had also gotten a bit chattier. When Derek set him up with some worksheets to do, which would allow Derek to still tutor him while also doing some of his own homework, Stiles had started speaking to him.

He never said anything interesting, mostly just asked him questions about his plans for the future, what courses he was taking, what life was like living with Cora, things like that. He asked him about weekend plans a lot, and Derek assumed it was because he wanted to study some during the weekend, but Derek needed time to study and do homework, too, so he always responded as such.

It was weird listening to Stiles speak sometimes though, and despite his better judgement one day, Stiles said something that reminded Derek of Erica and Cora, and he said,

“You really sound like you should’ve been in Slytherin.”

Stiles looked pleased to have Derek engaging in conversation and had leapt on it, quickly saying, “You know, the Sorting Hat actually wanted to put me in Slytherin. It really, really did, but my best friend from back home, Scott, well he ended up in Gryffindor. He got sorted before me, so that was a done deal.” Stiles drummed his fingers against the table while he spoke. “It’s a known fact that people sorted between Slytherin and Gryffindor, even if they arrive as friends, they always leave as enemies.” Stiles shrugged. “I didn’t want to leave Hogwarts having lost my best friend, so I kept telling the Hat nope, nope, not going to Slytherin, you can put me anywhere but there, I don’t care, you can even put me in fucking Hufflepuff if you want.”

Derek glared at him for that comment but Stiles just grinned, clearly teasing, and continued.

“It eventually gave up and put me in Ravenclaw.”

Now that Derek thought about it, he actually did remember Stiles taking a while to be sorted. It was probably because the Hat had been adamant that he’d do well in Slytherin but Stiles kept insisting he didn’t want that.

“Do you really think you and your friend would’ve ended your friendship just because of the houses you’re in?”

“You should see Cora and Scott go at it,” Stiles insisted, eyebrows shooting up. “If Lydia and I weren’t there to mediate, I’m pretty sure they’d have killed each other by now. It makes me sad, but as long as I get to keep them both as friends, that’s what really matters to me.” He shrugged again, then grinned. “But don’t tell anyone about the Hat’s accuracy, okay?”

Derek snorted. “Oh yeah. You definitely should’ve been in Slytherin.”

“Why do you think Cora and I get along so well?” Stiles winked at him and Derek snorted, then they went back to what they were doing.

He found as time passed that he didn’t mind Stiles so much. He was a little loud and rambunctious at times, but still funny and very kind. He’d started bringing by various Quidditch related items once a week when he’d found out who Derek’s favourite team was. His mother apparently used to work for the Ministry of Magic in the Department of Magical Games and Sports, so he had connections with most of the teams in the league. He often brought by either things from Derek’s favourite team, or various good luck charms for when games were around the corner.

Derek thought it was extremely kind of him, and when his mother had sent over some home-made sweets, he’d brought them to the tutoring session and offered some to Stiles.

“Aw, yes!” Stiles had instantly grabbed a handful of treats, shoving them into his mouth. “Dude, your mother makes the best cookies!”

It hadn’t occurred to Derek that Stiles would’ve already been exposed to his mother’s baking, but he was friends with Cora, so he should’ve figured.

Halfway through the second month of sessions, Derek was in the process of correcting Stiles’ worksheet while the other drummed absently on the table, looking around. He was doing better, but still not as good as Derek had been hoping.

“So,” Stiles said while Derek’s quill scratched away, “I was wondering, are you doing anything this weekend?”

“No,” Derek said, pleased when he saw Stiles answer one of the sections he’d previously been struggling with correctly. “Studying, probably.”

“Oh, cool. Cool.” Stiles’ hands drummed a little louder, causing the librarian to shush him. He mouthed an apology, Derek letting out a small laugh. Stiles was silent for a moment, then continued. “So. Uh, it’s a Hogsmeade weekend. I was uh, I was thinking—”

“Is it?” Derek asked, interrupting him without entirely meaning to, his mind half on what he was correcting and half on the conversation. “I wouldn’t know, I don’t go to Hogsmeade.”

“Oh, right.” He glanced up when he heard Stiles’ voice seem to deflate, but the other propped it back up and grinned at him when he saw Derek looking. “Yeah, of course. You’re a seventh year, you’ve probably been like, a bazillion times.” Stiles laughed and rubbed awkwardly at his arm.

Derek just went back to what he was grading, finishing up and handing it back to Stiles to look over. It was getting late, so he said they could go through everything on Monday when they had their next session and Stiles nodded.

He smiled and thanked Derek like he always did, but he didn’t look as bright and excited as he usually did when he left him. Derek frowned at his retreating back, then shrugged and started packing away his things. Someone slid into the seat across from him, and he looked up to see Erica there, giving him a look.

“You’re an idiot. He was trying to ask you out.”

Derek blinked at her, surprised, and wondered how long she’d been there. He saw books in her hand, and figured she’d been looking for something for one of her classes.

“No, he wasn’t,” he insisted, finishing up with his things but not standing, since Erica was still giving him a look.

“Derek, he was totally asking you out.”

“Trust me, he wasn’t. He asks me about my weekends all the time.”

“Then he’s either clued in to your stupidity, or really bad at taking no for an answer, because I can tell that kid is crazy about you.” Erica flipped some hair over her shoulder, then grabbed her books. “I can ask Cora, if you want.”

“No,” Derek said sharply. “He’s not into me, don’t be stupid.”

“You’re the stupid one, but if you say so.” Erica shrugged and stood. “Boyd and I are going to Hogsmeade, by the way. Isaac has detention. Hope studying is more interesting than a date with Stiles.”

“It wasn’t a date invitation!” Derek insisted after her when she walked away. The librarian shushed him angrily and he winced, turning back to his things and gathering them up before standing to head back to the Hufflepuff dormitory.

Derek slept badly that night because his brain wouldn’t turn off. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Erica had said, but it seemed insane to consider. Stiles was extremely popular, and not only in his own house. Yes, Derek knew he was gay, but he felt certain that if Stiles was interested in him, he would’ve been a lot more direct in asking him out. Stiles had nothing to worry about, he was more coveted than Derek was, and everyone knew Derek didn’t discriminate.

He’d dated a girl in first year, two different guys in third year, and had alternated between both genders for a majority of his time at Hogwarts. He wasn’t as popular as Stiles, but Derek knew he was attractive. He usually got involved with people because they thought he was good looking, and then they got tired of his prickly personality and dropped him. Which he was fine with, really, because if he was going to be with someone, they had to be able to put up with him whether he was in a good mood or not.

Stiles seemed to be pretty good at that, though. No matter what kind of mood Derek was in, Stiles always stuck around. Even nights where Derek knew he was being intolerable and insisted they cut things short so he didn’t say anything he’d regret, Stiles insisted it was fine and stuck it out, despite Derek’s terrible attitude.

“Hey Isaac,” Derek asked while they headed for class the next day. “Do you think Stiles likes me?”

“Probably, nobody can stand to spend that much time with you otherwise.”

Derek gave Isaac an annoyed look, but didn’t say anything. They just sat down in their Transfiguration class and took notes as always. They had a few practice sessions throughout the course of the lesson and Derek realized one of the items they were working on was the same one Stiles had been struggling with a few days ago but now seemed to have improved on.

When class ended, he hadn’t exactly meant to linger, but he found himself packing up more slowly than usual and he waved for Isaac to head out without him. When the class was empty save himself and McGonagall, he headed over to her hesitantly and stopped in front of her desk.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Hale?” she asked, lowering her glasses slightly and looking at him over them.

“I was just—I was wondering if you could tell me how Stiles is doing,” he said cautiously.

“Why, may I ask, would you like to know?”

“Well, I’ve been tutoring him for the past two months, and he’s really improved lately, so I was just curious how he’s been in your classes since we started.”

McGonagall was silent for a while, staring at him, then pulled her glasses off and said, “What are you talking about, Hale? Why would Mr. Stilinski need a tutor for my class, he’s got the highest grade in the entire school in Transfiguration.”

Derek stared at her for a long while, and found it somewhat comical that a small part of him had expected this to happen. Ever since Erica’s comment the night before, he’d remembered the way Lydia had reacted when Derek had wandered over to tell him their tutoring schedule. He remembered Cora’s incredulous reaction to the same news, and how she’d wandered away without a word. Even Boyd had said Stiles was smart when he’d asked him about him.

Stiles didn’t need tutoring at all. He was just using that as an excuse to spend time with Derek.

Holy shit, Erica was right! Stiles liked him!

“Forgive me, but can I ask you how Stiles is doing academically overall?” Derek asked.

McGonagall leaned back in her seat, eying him for a few moments, then said, “It’s not appropriate for me to share another student’s grades, but I feel comfortable telling you that Stiles is one of the most brilliant minds I’ve ever seen come through these doors. Every few years we encounter a student with exceptional skills, and Stiles is definitely at the top of the list. He wants to be an Auror, like his father. I dare say he won’t have any problems achieving that goal.”

Derek felt like a fucking idiot.

“Thank you, professor.”

She nodded, put her glasses back on, and went back to whatever she was doing.

Derek left the classroom, feeling stupid and almost angry. Stiles had essentially been wasting his time with this stupid tutoring business. Sure, it was good for Derek, because he was studying a lot while tutoring him, but if Stiles was so fucking smart, surely there were other ways for him to get Derek’s attention?!

He walked right into someone in his anger, and heard a shout. Grabbing at the arm of who he’d almost knocked over, he scowled angrily when he noticed it was Cora. She glared back, peeling Derek’s fingers off her arm and turning to gather her fallen books.

“Walk much?” she demanded.

“How long have you known Stiles likes me?” he blurted out.

Cora froze for a moment, then slowly turned her head to look at him. She eyed him warily, then finished gathering her things and stood, sighing.

“Look, Derek, it might have escaped your notice, but people have known about his crush on you for two years.”

Two years?! What?!

“He’s tried getting your attention in the past. He tried to talk to you a few times on the train, or at Quidditch games, but you always just brushed him off as that moron who’d blown a hole in the compartment wall in his first year. When I found out you were tutoring him, I went to ask him what the hell he was doing, because Stiles is a fucking genius. He just said that, to date, it was the only way he’d gotten you to talk to him.” She shrugged. “He wasn’t trying to be malicious or anything, he just wanted to spend time with you. You wouldn’t give it to him, so he found another way to do it. He told me he was asking around with the professors on who their best student in their classes were for the seventh years, and McGonagall was the first one to say it was you. So he went to Flitwick and said he was having trouble with Transfiguration, and obviously that wasn’t going to work for Flitwick because Stiles is his favourite, so he went to see Sprout to ask about getting you to tutor him since Stiles told him he’d spoken to McGonagall and she’d recommended you.” Cora shrugged. “You have to give him credit, he wanted this bad enough he risked the professors talking to one another and finding out he was full of shit.” She punched him lightly in the arm. “Give him a chance. He’s awesome, and you’d love him if you just stopped seeing him as the idiot who blew a hole in the wall.”

“He invited me to Hogsmeade,” Derek said with a small scowl.

“He told me. You said no. Shocker.”

Derek glared at her and she just rolled her eyes.

“I didn’t know it was supposed to be a date.”

“Well, now you do. And now you know what lengths he went to in order for you to just talk to him.” She shrugged again and started walking backwards. “Just give him a chance, would you? Stiles is amazing, and he’d be good for you. And hey, maybe he can tutor you in your shitty classes.”

Derek threw a book at her but she just ducked and laughed, running away from him before he could do any real damage.

Derek was still mad the entirety of the day, but the more he ranted about it to Erica, Isaac and Boyd, the more he realized that he honestly hadn’t noticed how hard Stiles had been trying to get his attention. His friends remembered, though, and were quick to give him all kinds of examples of things that he hadn’t even remembered happening.

The year before, he’d gotten an incredibly amazing and thoughtful Valentine’s from an anonymous source. He hadn’t asked anyone if they knew who it was from, figuring whoever it was would’ve told him by now, but Boyd admitted that he’d known it was Stiles because he’d seen him working on it in the common room. He hadn’t said anything because Derek had never asked, and he figured it wasn’t his place to give away Stiles’ anonymity.

Erica reminded him of the insane Hufflepuff support their Quidditch games always had from the Ravenclaw stands, even when the games were being played against Ravenclaw house itself.

There were just little things that all of his friends had noticed about Stiles that Derek hadn’t even realized. The more they talked to him, the less angry he became and he realized Stiles truly did just want to talk to him, and Derek had never given him the time of day. Of course he’d had to resort to drastic measures, Derek was in his last year at Hogwarts, and that made this Stiles’ last chance. He probably thought Derek was incredibly dense for not realizing he liked him and, honestly, Derek himself did feel pretty dense.

When he woke up the next morning, he made sure to do so with plenty of time to get breakfast and head to the Entrance Hall. He changed quickly, ignored the snoring Isaac who was definitely late for detention, and went to grab some breakfast. He chatted with some of the other people in his house, and then headed for the doors when the Hogsmeade visits would start.

He was one of the first ones there, and he handed his permission slip to Filch without even looking at him. He headed down the stairs and waited at the bottom, feeling somewhat anxious and shoving his hands in his pockets.

It was getting a littler cooler out, but not enough to need more than a jumper, so he just shifted his weight from foot to foot to keep himself moving and kept an eye on everyone exiting the castle. After almost fifteen minutes, Derek saw Stiles walk out, talking animatedly to his Gryffindor friend Scott. Lydia and Cora were behind them, speaking quietly to one another, the four of them walking down the steps.

Cora saw him first and Derek tensed, expecting some kind of comment, but she just grinned happily and nudged Stiles, motioning Derek. When Stiles turned to look at him, Derek waved awkwardly and only felt better when Stiles turned almost embarrassingly red in the face. He said something to his friends, almost tripped the rest of the way down the stairs, and hurried over to where Derek was.

“Hey,” he said breathlessly, smiling brightly.

“Hi,” Derek replied. Before he could say anything else, Stiles continued.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “About the tutoring thing. But I just didn’t know what else to do, and I figured that tutoring me would also help keep your brain active for your own courses, and it would help with your NEWTs and I mean, those are still so far off, we’re only just about to start our third month of classes, so—”

Derek reached out and covered Stiles’ mouth with one hand, making him stop speaking immediately.

“I was mad at first, but people helped put things into perspective.” He lowered his hand when it became clear Stiles wouldn’t start yammering again. “I’m sorry for how I treated you before. I guess I couldn’t get the image of the first year who blew a hole in the train out of my head.”

Stiles laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. “Yeah. Dad wasn’t too happy about that. He still brings it up when I try and argue how he’s lucky I’m such a great kid.”

Derek smiled slightly. “Well, I might bring it up, too, but I’m willing to spend a bit more time with you, if that’s what you’d like, though not as a tutor.”

“Yes!” Stiles nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, absolutely!”

“Great.” Derek motioned down the path with his elbow, hands in his pockets again. “Want to go to Hogsmeade?”

Stiles beamed at him and nodded, the two of them walking slowly down the path. Derek had no idea where this relationship was going, but as Stiles spoke animatedly about Quidditch and the ways to improve flight on an older model broom, he realized that he was more than willing to give Stiles a chance.

He may have lied, but he’d had good intentions. And he’d apologized.

Besides, Derek would never admit this aloud, but he’d kind of grown fond of his sister’s idiotic Ravenclaw friend.

By the time they reached Hogsmeade, their hands were linked together, and they both had ridiculous smiles on their faces.

Derek was okay with that.

END.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #189 - Spy

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #358

Format: Blu-ray

1) So the movie starts by introducing us to a sort of typical white guy spy. A James Bond type, but without the British accent (for some reason). It starts with the familiar, the usual tropes, before really fucking them over when Jude Law (who for some reason is trying to do an American accent and he’s not doing it well) sneezes and accidentally kills a guy.

Which is an excellent joke to introduce is into the film’s wonderfully strong sense of humor. If you think you know how a trope is going to play out, you’re probably wrong. In fact, the entire opening sequence is a strong representative of how the film blends quality action with quality humor which will be consistent throughout the film.

2) Melissa McCarthy as Susan Cooper.

McCarthy is the foundation on which the rest of the film is built. From the very first minute we spend with her character she is established as not only good at her job but incredible at it. It is easy in spy spoofs for the main spy to be a bumbling idiot, but Susan’s continued competence is in fact one of the key factors which makes this film as incredible as it is. Especially considering the fact she does have some insecurities at the beginning, insecurities which are largely unfounded because she is fucking good at her job. McCarthy is able to have incredible warmth, heart, and vulnerability as Susan which she doesn’t always show in her film roles. But also when the script calls for it she can have this amazing brashness and humorous loudmouth/angry quality. Susan goes through an incredible transformation from the moment we meet her to the moment we leave her and McCarthy is able to play that absolutely perfectly. It’s HER story, it’s HER movie, and we are just along for the ride in an amazing way.

3) “Who Else Can You Trust?” is abbreviated in the film’s opening credits (I own the full version found on the album) but feels like a real Bond song with the opening credits feeling like a real Bond opening credits. This is part of the reason Spy is able to differentiate itself from other spy comedies like Austin Powers. It takes the genre, action, and stakes seriously throughout. This is real danger and true villains who are trying to get their hands on a nuke. It’s not like “oh, it’s funny because the spy is stupid and the bad guy’s want to kill all cats” or something like that. This sort of silly comedies can and have worked in the past, but Spy’s comedy is born out of its strong sense of characters and performances from the actor. Not by making fun of the genre, but embracing it in a wonderfully fun and funny way.

4) Jude Law’s Bradley Fine often times steps over the line which divides nice guy from Nice Guy™.

Susan: “Could you imagine me as a spy?”

[Fine, who has seen how badass she was in training, laughs at the idea.]

He’s an idiot and kind of a jackass. He may not actively be trying to belittle her but that’s what he does in pretty much 99% of their conversations. He’ll talk about how great she is but he gives her chores which she is overqualified for like picking up his laundry. It’s frustrating but then it’s supposed to be. It’s one of the key conflicts in the film that Susan is underestimated and belittled by all those around her because she’s not what a spy is “supposed” to be like.

5) This film is pretty freaking great, but it could’ve used a little more Morena Baccarin.

Honestly, everything could use a little more Morena Baccarin.

6) What the fuck is this bullshit? He’s secretly SLEEPING with this bad guy and yet…

Fine [upon being caught by villainess Rayna with a gun]: “An awfully big gun for such a little girl.”

7) Allison Janney is someone who I love in literally everything I’ve seen her in. Even when she’s pretty much the straight man in this, the CIA director, I am just drawn to her. I just really fucking love Allison Janney.

8) Jason Statham as Ford.

Holy fucking shit. Somehow Jason Statham is in a movie with modern day comedic legend Melissa McCarthy and ends up being the funniest person in the film. He is totally committed to Ford’s arrogance, jackass qualities, intensity, and hyper masculinity in a way which is 100% hysterical! It’s a tricky business because Ford doesn’t think he’s funny. Ford doesn’t think he’s weird or an idiot, and Statham plays it like that knowing it will derive the most laughs. Ford is basically the super testosterone filled action hero in every movie ever and Statham doubles that while stealing every single fucking scene he’s in. And his chemistry with McCarthy is off the charts funny! Melissa McCarthy is the bedrock this film rests upon but Jason Statham is the fucking cherry on top (I think I’m mixing my metaphors but whatever), he is absolutely amazing.

9) I love this because it makes me angry.

CIA Director Elaine Crocker [about why Fine pressured Susan to stay out of the field]: “Yeah, he sniped you.”

THIS IS REAL! THIS IS FUCKING REAL! MEN IN CHARGE KEEPING WOMEN DOWN BECAUSE THEY’RE WOMEN, WHETHER THEY KNOW THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING OR NOT! GAH! I mean, the film including it is fucking awesome and handled really fucking well but holy shit it pisses me off that this is even a thing.

10) I find it endlessly frustrating (and I think I’m supposed to) that all of Susan’s aliases and spy gear are not the “sexy” stuff but things which could be considered “frumpy”. Why can’t she be a gorgeous baroness with a super slick ride and men on her shoulders? Have you seen Melissa McCarthy? She’s fucking gorgeous.

11) Melissa McCarthy has a very strong chemistry with Miranda Hart, who plays Susan’s best friend Chummy in the film. Their relationship in many ways is much more important than the ones Susan has with any other character in the film, including Fine. And you understand how good friends they are with each other as the movie continues. It’s really great.

12) Ugh.

Ford [after McCarthy points out he didn’t even like Fine]: “It’s called the rivalry of men!”

As a man I can say, “The rivalry of men,” is the equivalent of, “who’s dick is bigger,” because society has convinced us that we’re not a “real man” unless we’re the “biggest” man in the room. It’s fucking stupid.

13) One of the key things that makes Susan as strong a character as she is are her motivations. You understand what is driving her VERY clearly: her memory of Fine. It evolves into more than that as the film goes, it evolves into her just doing her job, but you understand why she does things which are outside of her norm. It’s because she is in pain over Fine’s (supposed) death and needs to make right by him. It’s clear and powerful and helps make the film as good as it is.

14) Aldo - as portrayed by Peter Serafinowicz (legendary character actor who can be found in Shaun of the Dead, Guardians of the Galaxy, the voice of Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I, and most recently “The Tick” on Amazon) is incredibly funny. Every overly sexualized moment with him & just his general chemistry with McCarthy makes him a worthy addition to the already stellar ensemble cast.

15) As I mentioned in note #10, I don’t understand why McCarthy is given all the frumpy gadgets and covers when she can pull this off:

She’s fucking gorgeous.

16) I’ve mentioned this with a few pairings before, but McCarthy and Statham have this intense/incredible comedic chemistry which is born out of their strong bickering. This is most plainly seen when they're both at the hotel/casino arguing and I think the fact I’ve mentioned it so often is just a sign of how well put together this fucking cast is.

17) There is an incredible sense of tension that plays through most scenes (for example: when Chummy is trying to kill power to the casino) which ties into what I mentioned in note #3: it helps elevate the film over silly spy spoof into this engaging and riveting action comedy.

18) Rose Byrne as Rayna.

Rayna was apparently originally written as a 19 year old girl (this according to IMDb’s trivia section), which makes a LOT of sense considering how much of a BRAT she is. Don’t get me wrong, Byrne is absolutely excellent at giving of the appearance of this elegant and sophisticated socialite. But that’s where the humor is from. The juxtaposition between what you expect from her (a refined Bond villainess) and what she actually is: a moronic spoiled brat. Byrne plays the humor and juxtaposition perfectly. The key part is that - like Statham - she’s not actively going for laughs. She’s not hyping up the stupidity or the silliness, acting like Rayna knows she’s stupid, but instead trusting the script and playing it in a way where Rayna takes herself seriously. And THAT’S the gag! And it’s great!

19) At this point Rayna has called Susan a child multiple times, compared her to a depress homeless clown, and insulted her ability to address herself.

Susan [to Rayna]: “Why are you being so nice to me?”

20) I’m starting to sound like a broken record but McCarthy’s ability to hold her own against how Byrne plays Rayna’s horridness is a testament to her talents as an actress and the chemistry between the pair. God, this movie is just so fucking funny.

21) I mentioned earlier that McCarthy gets the chance to play Susan as both more reserved and brash. It is when McCarthy is acting like “Amber Valentine” (the cover Susan uses to make Rayna trust her) that she gets to show off this aggression WONDERFULLY. It’s also wildly cathartic because a lot of people - including Rayna - have just been consistently putting Susan down for the ENTIRE film. Now she gets to go off on them and it’s amazing.

22) I’d like to point out that very few women die or get “fridged” in this film, not when compared to the men. I think during the entire movie only one woman dies but that’s a nice proportion swap to most male dominated action films. (How many women have died on Bond movies versus the men?)

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

23) The Budapest car chase scene is one of the strongest action set pieces in the film. It’s filled with this intense and enjoyable action, sprinkled with just enough jokes to make it hysterical, it’s well choreographed, and just altogether a fun ride.

24) But even the Budapest car chase can’t compare with the kitchen fight.

The action is INCREDIBLY well done. The fight choreography and energy throughout is just truly kinetic and it just grabs your attention and NEVER lets go. It’s just insanely well done and by far the best scene of the film.

25) I would like to point out - similarly as I did in note #4 - that Fine is kind of a jerk to Susan. He attributes her continued success to Rayna’s inexperience just casually, like it’s no big deal, not realizing he just undermined all the amazing things she just did in this film. Meanwhile the creepy sexpot of Aldo supports Susan and reminds her she’s been doing an incredible job in this film.

26) When Susan learns that Fine is alive, her entire initial motivation for going the distance of being a spy is gone. But that doesn’t matter because she’s not doing this for any man anymore. She’s doing this because it’s the right thing to do and because she knows she CAN do it. I love that. And when Susan embraces this and kicks some serious ass, Fine sees her for who she is.

27) Wait…I just realized that Ford didn’t actually DO anything in this film. He just kept getting caught and screwing up.

I love that! It’s so much funnier for me that way! :D

28) I love that it’s Chummy who saves Susan in the end. Not Fine, not Ford, but her best gal pal. Friendship over romance/sexual attraction is something I really appreciate.

29) And by the time the film ends, all three of the main guys - Aldo, Fine, and Ford - want Susan now. But she doesn’t chose a guy, she choses Chummy. She choses a night out with her girls instead of even Fine, the guy she’s been pining over FOREVER. I love that.

Spy is an incredibly funny and heartfelt film with a powerful message about competence/self worth. Melissa McCarthy gives an absolutely stellar performance and is surrounded by a just as strong supporting cast, with Jason Statham being a particular stand out. The action is crazy, the humor is spot on, the characters are well developed, and the relationships are pure. All in all, it’s just a really freaking good movie I think everyone should see.

[redlemonz]

Day #15

On the road up North for work, way too early at 6am. Luckily I’m in the passenger seat, though I’d much rather be driving now instead of swapping over on the way back after a long day. Smart on her part to be honest, though I’m the more inexperienced one at this role anyway so she does get the final say. I gotta say though, that it feels pretty damn weird driving up this far for work, simply for the day - seems as though we’re going on vacation if anything. The calm before the storm I suppose. Jacked up on coffee and an overpriced ham and cheese toastie for which I only just find out from my team mate that I’ll be able to claim expenses for, in addition to the rest of my day’s meals? I’m loving this new job already. What I’m not loving is more hurtful reminders that I’ve lost her. The last time I drove up this way was a couple months ago, when I took another sick-day (yes it’s fun to constantly take these to spend exciting times with her) & rejected some Saturday morning overtime (thank goodness), to go up North for a camping trip in some grounds, next to one of her many homes that is the beach. Another simplified reminder of the amount of effort she actually put in that didn’t go unnoticed by me, but was taken for granted - she would provide all the required gear including the tent, mattress, blankets and so on, and furthermore set it all up mostly on her own because I’m a useless moron who can’t be trusted with basic equipment and will destroy the zips on the tent instead. I’m sorry yet again, cutie. Broken zips and hearts aside, it was a wonderful evening in which we were granted by nature what felt like an ultra rare and supernatural occurrence - a rainbow in the night sky. Dead in the middle between us, as we looked up into the night sky, from the sands of the beach upon which we stood. Not I’m not one for signs from the universe, fate, or just a naturally romantic incurring event, but.. okay never mind I am. The point remains that it was indeed one of the most beautiful elements of nature I had ever seen, which made it all the more amazing as I stood next to the most beautiful one. We held each other in that moment, and even slow danced a little bit together, under our very own special moonbow.

Day 15 - another nice memory turned ugly by myself

As I reminisce about that camping trip, and the caving exploration she took me on the next morning and the mini hike to a summit filled with cows, I can’t help think about the night that followed. It’s time to give you a brief yan to the yin, which is a summary of my ugly insecurity yet again, that led to our end. It was the evening in which her leaving party was being celebrated. I had grocery duty whilst she cleaned up, and so the night flowed with her friends and a few of mine. Once again I’ve forced anxiety upon myself now through my own insecure thoughts from that night. It was a nice time overall, especially for her (or so I hope at the very least), and I tried my best to look past, and ignore my head at the time - but I can’t help feel like the loser and hidden failure of a person yet again. Being asked by multiple friends of hers how I knew her was just unfortunately a stab in the gut. I mean I’ve already attempted to adjust to the fact that she would never introduce me as more than my name to her friends, which left things ambiguous (and rather awkward for me, doubting my place) who one by one, on separate occasions, had to confirm with me and convey with each other what me and her’s relationship status was. Don’t get me wrong again - this was just her style, as she didn’t see reason to introduce me in that manner, and because it wasn’t a big deal to her. It’s just who she is, as she’s quite a private person - and there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever - I was just failing to listen and understand as an idiot would. Though I don’t think you can fully blame me for feeling a bit unsettled in that regard either - because as stated, I didn’t know my place with her when it came to publicity. I would question myself whether I was even allowed to hold her hand, surprise her with a hug and kiss on the cheek from behind, or just generally do anything remotely and mildly that could be interpreted as being anything more than friends, for which I’d have no problems with privately. It’s not a case of PDA at all being a blaming mechanism, considering I had already adjusted to those norms and barriers for her a while ago. My efforts were mostly thwarted away or unrecognised in this regard, and obviously I’d be feeling like shit as a result - thinking that she’s yet again embarrassed or ashamed of me. This carried on further into the night as one of her dear close friends made a speech about her, which was great, and that she enjoyed, but I knew that as soon as I was called upon to do the same (as a result of crowd pressure), that I’d have to choose my words carefully - because I could tell that she didn’t even want me to say anything to begin with. So it was crappy and certainly inferior to her friend’s as a result, because I felt constrained within my public boundaries of only-friendship with her. Because doing / acting more than that would piss her off. It’s just always been so tough and heartbreaking feeling like a whole different person to her when there are others around. I mean it sucked pretty badly to feel as though she couldn’t even invite me over at all if any of her family were home, because that was supposedly a problem (I had many occasions where I couldn’t even grasp the nerve to ask to use the bathroom when picking her up due to this), yet I had basically lived there when they weren’t. This theme continued as it similarly incurred on her birthday this year, the day after I celebrated a private day of surprises with her - when we went out to celebrate at a bar. I avoided drinking in an attempt to ensure she had a great night for the sake of her birthday, and that I didn’t find any shitty reasons to ruin it through starting another unnecessary fight which would have resulted from insecurities. So I bared with the pain of being a stranger in front of her brother, cousin and couple friends yet again. It stings pretty hard to not even be able to have a proper dance, let alone give her a kiss on the dance floor on her freaking birthday after everything.. a hundred times more so when it’s absolutely no problem that her brother is busy and non-discretely making out with, and later going off to fuck one of our friends. But I’m still there, being publicly friend zoned for the most part on the night. What hurts is remembering and comparing it to the fact that she has had public displays of more-than-friends, even if it ultimately meaning nothing at all, with a couple of my friends. It was prior to us beginning, which I understand - but can someone else please see from my perspective how it was still a valid factor underlying my insecurity that she can’t do that publicly with her boyfriend whom she supposedly loves? Of course it makes me feel even more insecure than I already am, and links in with the fact that I was just this hidden bystander of a boyfriend who was easily disposable, when the time was right. And finally - the time was right. I pushed and I pushed upon this insecurity to no avail, and forced her to the point of no return. It took a while, but my self-doubts had finally been confirmed. I wasn’t worth it after all. It was too much effort. She didn’t see a future with me. But nevertheless, regardless of how I felt at the time - the significant thing to remember about these insecurities, is that they’re mine. I’ve made them up in my head and multiplied them into something so much bigger - along with assumptions and overthinking and well, over-feeling. Being an overly sensitive and emotional prick with a history of depression is just asking for this to fail, especially if you can’t overcome this for her. And I couldn’t do it, sadly. I needed to be able to just ignore all those negativities my head had created, and focus upon the special beauty I had in front of me and cherish her in any way that I could. I love her, and yet I couldn’t accept her for who she was, and be patient for her to open up in her own time. I forced her into my depressive state instead, and tried to mould her into what my selfishness wanted and thought could cure my insecurities. In other words, I realise now that I was essentially attempting to rely on her to solve my problems - ones that I created for myself, through the absolutely hideous and despised method of emotional manipulation. Shoving my insecurities onto her, along with the blame. What an absolutely twisted and fucked up thing to do to someone you love and care about. And I call it unconditional love? - that’s the worst fucking hypocracy being displayed by me, first hand. What a shit thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you love with all your heart - it was never her fault at all. She was always simply herself, which is what I loved. What the fuck was I trying to do? Was I, in my sick mannerism, attempting to locate some issues with her, or even worse - create something wrong with her that never even existed? Bloody, fucking hell. Those insecurities were my own sole battles to fight, and I was nothing but a coward who couldn’t accept his responsibilities, and as a result of his failure to do so, poisoned her with his toxic behaviour. She didn’t do anything to warrant or deserve any of it, and there was never anything at all even wrong with her - until I strolled into her life, that is. It could even be portrayed that my behaviour was another form of abuse, regardless of my lack of intention. Because that doesn’t matter - otherwise it’s just another excuse to yet again evade responsibility for being a messed up, demented, and overall bad person. Which you are. God I want to take it all back and start anew, why did I have to go and fuck it all up. A million sorry’s can’t fix the damage and hurt I’ve caused - for which none should ever have existed. Plus what do my promises even mean anymore, right? The only thing that’s right was her - I’m not worth it. It’s really not a shocking revelation when you think about it - the fact that she was never sure of me, and that she never felt comfortable enough in the end to let me into that private part of her life. All I’ve constantly done over the course of time is fill her with ongoing guilt, agony, and reminders that she’s not putting in enough effort. Though she always was, and I was the one who chose to be picky in when to see it. What a fucking tool of an ugly personality I have, on top of the visible aspects. She even tried to constantly reach out and explain this to me, but I was too caught up in myself and I didn’t even bother listening and understanding, even though she gave me chance after chance - until she could finally take no more. All these light bulbs activate in my brain after they aren’t required anymore, as it’s far too late now, and so my self hatred and regret is off the charts as a result. I deserve to feel this way, and much worse. I don’t deserve her forgiveness for all the sins I’ve committed against her.. yet she is still providing her gracefulness to me, after all my evil acts and offences against her, by keeping me around in her life. My guardian angel - I love you, and I’m sorry (for a million and one times). I’ve learned a lot since our end - within this short period that feels like eternity, and though it’s too late for us, I’ll spend the rest of my life continuing to learn, and trying, and aspiring to be the better person I know I can be - and as you’ve always inspired me to be. Though I know I have a long journey ahead.

[ghoultyrant]

Dawn of War II

At one point I watched a Let’s Play covering Dawn of War II, starting from the base game, going through Chaos Rising, and then doing the Marine campaign in Retribution. The excruciating stupidity on display lead me to A: decide I didn’t want to buy the game, even though I love the original Dawn of War, and B: write the following semi-coherent ravings of a madman.

They are slightly edited for comprehension and I made a little to clarify what any given thing is alluding to, but not much. I had vague notions of posting this to Vigaroe once upon a time, but it really doesn’t fit the tone I’m trying to maintain on that site. Tumblr, meanwhile, I’m perfectly happy to dump things that may or may not be insightful or entertaining and move on with my life.

Here we go.

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Broadly: Let's take steps to scale down the player's troop count, and still end up with hundreds of Space Marines dead before the end of the campaign. Also broadly, let's have our special snowflake characters have squads (66% of them, anyway) but have the special snowflake character be the only one that counts: not only do your battlebrothers sensibly wearing helmets not count against your score at the end of the mission for dying, but if the special snowflake moron dies his goons instantly die too. I thought we were fighting against the Tyranids, not as the Tyranids? The score mechanic in general, as well as secondary objectives in general. They don't commit to the score mechanic as mattering, and secondary objectives seem absolutely worthless. In Dawn of War 1, secondary objectives were more like advisories: here's something you might want to deal with, but it isn't mission failure if you ignore it, hope you appreciate the heads-up. In II, they seem to be plotty things with no functionality and not much plot either, present because?... Also: WHY BRING BACK ANGELOS WITH THE WRONG VOICE? (fixed for Chaos Rising, to be fair) I'm a character narrating at another character completely unironically. The Tyranids are MYSTERIOUS AND DANGEROUS OOOOOHHHHH. I AM THE BOX GHOST! BEWARE!

(It’s a constant thing with the game to treat the Tyranids as mysterious and much more scary than anything else in the 40k setting. It falls flat, in spite of the heroic efforts on the voice actors’ parts)

HEY BOSSMEN SPACE MARINES FUCK YOU YOU AREN'T THE BOSS OF US EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE AND WE AREN'T FILTHY HERETICS GO RUN SOME ERRANDS FOR US AND WE MIGHT MAYBE IF YOU SAY PLEASE DO AS YOU ASK. (Derosa’s initial interaction is idiotic) SCALE? WHAT'S THAT? TINY RAIDS BY A FEW HUNDRED GUYS CAN TOTALLY COMPROMISE AN ENTIRE PLANET'S SECURITY. AND NOT BY SECURING A LANDING ZONE OR WHATEVER. (What, exactly, are the Eldar supposed to be doing here?) Psionically gifted individuals. Because we aren't Blizzard fanboyz or NUFFIN. PSYCHIC GODDAMMIT. PSYCHICALLY GIFTED INDIVIDUALS. Furthermore, 40k is a setting in which psychic powers make you a reviled pariah who counts themself LUCKY to be treated as a subhuman tool. IT'S NOT A GIFT.

(Maybe ‘psionic’ has become the 40k default term since I wrote this back in like 2013. I stand by it anyway)

Naturally, It's A Girl Who Doesn't Do As Told was ENTIRELY to then bitchslap her for being bitchy. Admitting her error just leads to her begging you help them anyway, rather than assuring you that Angel Forge will be accessable to you since your need clearly is urgent. In other words, the entire sequence is mental masturbation with a very tiny helping of plot. Yaaaay.

(Still Derosa, only now I’ve shifted from hating her to hating the writer) Angel Gate fails in open mode! Because everyone knows all devices automatically stop doing what they're designed for if denied a continuous supply of electricity! Rather than ceasing moving. Like in real life. Incidentally, how does a GATE protect a PLANET?

(Angel’s Gate is retarded. And not the 40k funny/grimdark retarded, but “does anyone on this team understand anything?”) The Eldar are trying to blow up the subsector's planets to SOMEHOW stop the Hivefleet from... going towards the Craftworld. Not, like, weaken them, or something. Somehow the writer thinks this should redirect them from Ulthwe, instead of HURRYING THEM ALONG.

(This is dumb) WHERE ARE THE BLOOD RAVENS GETTING THEIR INFORMATION. SERIOUSLY.

(Once you’re more than halfway through the game, people just... know things, without any greater explanation than ‘scouts report things they can’t possibly know’) Hey, Force Commander, let's monologue at you why you're here AT THE END OF THE GAME AS PART OF AN OPTIONAL SCENE.

(Yes, you only learn at the end of the game why your avatar is in Sector Aurelia. What?) Derp final mission derp stupidly designed uberbosses in general. Also, thinking the Avatar of Khaine can burn down an entire world, and also EFFORT: THE GAME in terms of... rampaging godmonster patiently waiting in an arena to be killed. Yay.

(I boggle every time I remember this) Chaos Rising PLANET AURELIA IN SUBSECTOR AURELIA. What, is it capital Aurelia on continent Aurelia in hemisphere Aurelia?

(Real life can be like this. There’s still a reason for the One Steve Limit) Personal drop pods because reasons except Cyrus with Commander Hairgel because reasons on the first mission. (No explanation is provided for this) Traitor Guard calling the position, rather than the time or just saying "THEY'RE IN POSITION OPEN FIRE!"

(They’re scripted to only fire on a handful of locations on the map. Come on, writer, help me suspend my disbelief) EVERYTHING IS BUILT INSTANTLY. EVERYTHING. FORGET THAT THIS GAME HAS NO BASEBUILDING MECHANICS TO JUSTIFY THIS NONSENSE, BAD GUYS HAVE INSTANT CONSTRUCTION SPEED. In general, everything happens in implausibly short time periods: when did the traitor get to Aurelia before everyone else? How?

(Chaos Rising’s plot is slipshod nonsense from step one, and it never improves. If anything it gets worse) What is the point of bringing back Eliphas WITHOUT HIS VOICE ACTOR?

(I don’t get this. Bring back arguably the single most popular character from the original game, who was so amazing due to his voice, and then... don’t bring back the voice actor? I really hope they tried and failed to get the man, rather than just failing to realize the voice mattered) "Most notably, the Blood Ravens have-" OUR BATTLEBROTHERS YOU FUCKER. "I must tend to one of the generators, Spess Mahreens-" BROTHERS. To be entirely fair, he's the pure run traitor, BUT COME ON MARTELLUS. (Why does Martellus talk like he’s some outsider? Who thought this made sense?) Of COURSE bitchslapped Derosa is a pseudo-love interest. OF COURSE. (I’m sorry, creepy writer, but this is fucked up in addition to being stupid nonsense. Why are you even writing a Space Marine having a romantic interest? And why does treating a woman like shit act as a vital part of your courtship ritual?) Some Corruption-if-failed-to-deploy missions are vaguely plausible. Sure, Thaddeus hates your guts forever and goes EEEEVVVILLL if you don't let him protect the home he so dearly loves. But Tarkus corrupting for not punching Eldar is dumb and Jonah corrupting for not going on the Space Hulk is DUMBER. HE SHOULD CORRUPT FOR GOING ONTO THE SPACE HULK.

(Corruption is a cool idea. Missions Corrupting someone because they get super-pissed makes sense. Your Psyker Corrupting for failing to go into a Warp-infested horror show is such a basic fail I have no words and cannot imagine how this got conceived of, let alone made it into the final product) Really? Araghast and Eliphas are Bale and Sindri again? REALLY?

(I don’t mind re-doing a cool character dynamic, and Sindri and Bale were great. But Eliphas was more interesting than that. You don’t bring back a cool character so they can do that less-cool thing some other characters did!)

Ulkair is pretty much a Slaaneshi demon with a good laugh and the wrong body. Fuck.

(I liked that Dawn of War II tried to give Nurgle representation and Slaanesh representation, since the original game was basically all Tzeentch and Khorne. It was undercut by making our Greater Demon of Nurgle a straightforward sadist having nothing to do with Nurgle values. Either do the new thing and get it right, or go back to the old thing you were fine at doing. Don’t write the new thing the exact way you wrote the old thing and pretend it’s different) RETRIBUTION Tutorial still sucks, albeit with less narrating at each other. Khornate Noise Marines!

Khornate Noise Marines in Alpha Legion colors. Relic, what?

(It’s baffling how Relic has a clear grasp on most of the lore, up to and including some fairly esoteric stuff, and then they cram in nonsense anyone who’s only peripherally familiar with 40k could probably tell you is wrong) "This is the Ascendant, Azariah Kyras." This is the shitty dialogue, unnatural speech.

(That’s Kyras talking, if you hadn’t guessed) I realize Kyras is supposed to be crazy, but... really? Nihilism? Khornate let's-Tzeentchian-plot nihilism, at that?

(I’ve seen other people point out how it’s questionable to have a Khornate psyker eg in Winter Assault’s campaign, but I’m personally willing to let that pass because that’s one piece of canon that’s always seemed flawed to me. That doesn’t mean Kyras actually makes sense. He doesn’t. At any point) why does kyras tell you his weakness

(It’s like the writers have utter and total contempt for their player base. You couldn’t have one of our dudes take a guess that the demonic artifact of empowerment might, maybe, when destroyed, stop empowering him? Or even have Kyras do 5-year-old levels of cunning and try to pretend very hard that it’s not important? I mean the game wants us to think Kyras is Very Smart and then he tells you his weak point for no actual reason. The writing in Dawn of War II: bonkers to the very end)