#yes i am a leo and the world should revolve around me

[lunarproject]

tiktok swifties piss me off for many reasons but the #1 reason is that i never ever see august 20 on these stupid "your birthday your song" posts and i am beginning to feel irrationally mad about it. not even august the song? that does to a JANUARY birthday? okay

[haziel-luz]

Own it..then Redeem it (2007!Leonardo x reader)

Chapter 5:  Regrets make Apologies

"You might as well pick up some donuts for me to go, Raphie." You giggled while turning the camera on the tablet, and turning on the mic on your earbud.

"Behave and maybe I'll consider it." Raph huffs, putting on his helmet. You can still somewhat tell that he was smiling at your change of mood. Maybe spending time with a friend was what you needed.

"Yes sir!" You mocked him with a salute and he groaned. You laughed when he rolled his eyes and watched him walk away. Raph has been getting better at being there for you. Having the feeling of brotherly love just makes you feel complete. You've always wanted to be somewhere where you belonged. You never would've found home if it weren't for the turtles in general.

You looked back at the screen and saw Raph just waltz in the diner's kitchen. You had to try not to laugh when a waiter was panicking and the other guy was chilling with his coffee.

"Is it me or does that guy seem way too chill?" You chuckled.

"The day never really starts without coffee (Y/n)." Raph replies, shaking his head. He looks around the kitchen and see's the freezer open. Different food items were thrown and you can hear a tiny growl. Raph walks closer and you both see a tiny red creature, literally looks like a demon. It looks kinda cute.

"Well look at chu, ain't you cute." Raph chuckles at the small creature eating a frozen chicken leg.

"Raph I don't think you should underestimate the little guy. Getting Hellboy flashbacks over here." You giggled and shook your head.

"Oh please, this thing got nothing on me." Raph snorts and gets closer to the creature in a mocking baby voice. "You want a but kicking little fella? Yes you do, you do~. Come on, I'm gonna drop you into hurty town. Come on- AH!" Raph yells in agony from the little guys biting on his fingers.

You couldn't help but look amused at the trouble the little guy gave Raph. After Raph gave him a "snack", you just laughed your ass off.

"Ha ha, I'm happy you enjoyed the show." Raph said sarcastically but had a smile on his face.

"I should really do camera duty more often." You laughed and wiped the tears from your eyes. Man your ribs were hurting from the laughter.

Raph rolled his eyes and left the kitchen to help the waiter out. The waiter was too scared to understand an act of kindness, so this just irritated Raph.

"Why is everyone having such a hard time believing I am a good guy?! I just saved your life." Raph growled in irritation.

"Raph calm down a bit, the guy hasn't even processed the 'vermin' he found in the kitchen." Your soft voice snapped him out of his anger for a moment.

"I know I know, it's just-" Raph shut his mouth and tensed up by the shuriken. He looked up to see the owner of the weapon and groaned. "This night just keeps getting better and better."

Your heart stopped when you saw Leo on the rooftop, glaring at Raph. This wasn't supposed to go down this way.

"Raph I'll make a distraction and then I'll come to get you." You sit up straight on the motorcycle, ready to diffuse a bigger problem before it even starts.

"No (Y/n), you've done enough tonight. Go home and I'll come back for the bike." Raph sternly says, dropping the cashier and walking outside.

"But-!" Your voice didn't go through, he turned off the mic and the camera. This made you scoff at his intent to keep you away from more sibling drama. Sure, you never liked the way those two dealt with their problems, but before it was just sparring their feelings out. This time...it isn’t going to be just a spar.

Putting on the helmet, you turn on the motorcycle and speed your way onto the busy street. You multitasked on the road and searched for the brothers. The car’s honked their horns angrily at your abrupt change of lane. You didn’t even care if the cops were after you at this point, but thankfully they weren’t.

There were suddenly two familiar figures. Raph was jumping car from car while Leo was swinging wire from wire. ‘Leo really adapted to jungle life... Raph wasn’t being playful when he nicknamed him ‘Jungle Boy’.’ You speed faster into an alleyway, following their chase. You slowed down when their running came to a stop. You noticed the dead end Raph led himself to. ‘Nice one Raphie.’ You thought sarcastically.

Getting off the motorcycle, you quickly went to the fire escapes and climbed up. The closer you got, the louder the fight was getting. Your palms were slightly getting sweaty and your mind raced. What the hell were you going to say? What were you going to do? Your presence might end the fight or cause a bigger fire. You weren’t supposed to know who the NightWatcher really is.

You shook your head and got on the rooftop to get closer. Right on time, Leo punched Raph up in the air, making the helmet fly as well. You froze for a second at Leo’s sudden brute force. You’ve never seen him punch that heavily unless someone really got under his skin, and that someone was apparently the Night Watcher.

“Good night, Dark Prince.” Leo retorted smugly, walking towards Raph’s slight unconscious body from the punch. He was ready to attack Raph again ‘or the Night Watcher in his point of view’. You pulled your helmet off, realizing that you haven’t taken it off yet from the rush.

“Leo stop!” You threw the helmet at Leo’s shell. He turned around in a defensive stance with a glare until he saw it was you. His muscles relaxed for a second and looked confused.

“(Y/n)? What are you doing-” Leo was kicked to the side from Raph. He glared down at his fearless leader. Your eyes widen at the sudden attack. Leo groaned and looked up glaring at his enemy, but it was quickly replaced with shock.

“Raph? What?!” Leo felt betrayed, and not just by Raph. You stood at a safe distance but close enough to intervene.

“You are so smug, you know that! You think the world revolves around you don’t you. That we couldn’t possibly survive without the mighty and powerful Leonardo to guide us through our problems, huh?” Raph took a short glance towards you, making Leo glare at him when he stood up. “Well I got a newsflash for ya, we got along just fine without you!” Raph yelled at him.

“Raph...” Your soft voice tried to cut through his anger and he tensed up a bit. Raph didn’t want you to see or hear this. Why didn’t you just listen to him for once?

“Oh and this qualifies as just fine! Dressing up like it’s Halloween every night? Risking the safety of our family. You even got (Y/n) wrapped up into this front and center? I mean, come on what were you thinking?!” Leo’s confusion, worries, and anger came out all at once. He didn’t know what to feel first. You looked at Leo and frowned at his takeaway from the whole situation.

“Raph didn’t involve me in anything. I chose to help at times, and yes it looks reckless but no one’s life is at risk.” You corrected with a scoff. Leo looked at you and frowned with a clenched jaw.

“So it’s okay to act like a rogue vigilante? I come back to see everyone of you again, just to see how everything’s changed for the worse.” Leo took a step forward to get closer to you and gave an irritated sigh. “There’s just no way I’m gonna allow you to work for Winter’s just to find more about what we're dealing with. I’m not letting you risk yourself.” Leo demanded, making your eye twitch a bit. ‘The fucking audacity.’ You were about to talk back to him but Raph beat you to it.

“Don’t push it Leo. You can’t leave home and come back, expecting us to fall in line again, like your little soldiers. ” Raph pointed at him with a face that clearly showed annoyance.

“Hey I was training! Training to be a better leader! For you!” Leo sighs irritatedly and looks away with confusion and anger. “Why do you hate me for that?!”

They both started to slowly walk in a circle. You knew what this meant, and you were slightly afraid of the outcome.

“Uh guys-”

“Whoever said I wanted to be lead! I’m better off calling my own shots now, get used to it.” Raph cut you off angrily. He was too focused on his anger to realize the worry that you were expressing.

“You. Aren’t. Ready! You’re impatient and hot tempered AND more importantly, I’m better than you.” Leo growled and stopped his movements to glare at Raph. The vibe Leo was setting was really unsettling for you. There’s something about his posture and attitude that has changed him completely. What the hell did he do in Central America?

Your gaze from Leo was broken when Raph laughed his attitude off and took out his sai’s. “Oh you know something big brother. I’d have to disagree with you on that one.” He got in an attack pose, looking menacingly at Leo.

“Guys that’s enough. Let’s not do anything we’ll regret.” Your firm tone made them glance at you for a moment. Raph couldn’t stand down but you could tell he was slightly struggling to keep his intentions. Leo’s hard gaze from Raph has softened a bit from your intent to prevent them from fighting. He knew it wasn’t gonna go the way you wanted. He knows he’s gonna regret it, but there’s no going back.

“(Y/n) stay out of this. I ain’t leaving until Jungle Boy here taps out. Stand aside.” Raph pointed to the side of the roof with a stern look. You were beginning to get angry.

“Fine! You know what I’m fucking done with this. You two have a wonderful time trying to kill each other. By all means, proceed.” You spat at them, turning to walk away in a safe distance from them. You didn’t notice the hurt look they both gave you. Sure, you’ve dealt with this many times, but not to this extent. They both know that you’ve always been the one to diffuse the fire, but to their surprise you just gave up.

Raph almost had second thoughts until he looked at Leo. Now he remembers why he’s so pissed off. He goes back to the stance and glares at him. Leo turns his attention back to Raph and glares. Leo was willing to put down his fists, because like you’ve told him many times before. ‘It’s not worth the pain.’

“Don’t do this Raph.” Leo warned him.

“I’m done taking orders.” Raph held his sai tighter.

Leo took a few seconds of silence to think. His eyes looked at your disappointed form from the side. Lately, you’ve been witnessing the wrong side of his reasons, actions, and feelings. His heart clenched, realizing that you're not just disappointed about the situation or Raph. You were also disappointed in him, mostly disappointed in him. He failed you the very second he built the courage to write that break up letter. His regret has only just cut him deeper.

Leo focused on Raph again and sighed deeply. He takes out his katanas and makes a stance. This decision is gonna be the deeper part of his regret. Knowing that you will witness the fight, the very fight you’re always willing to stop, no matter what. The peace and light inside you was gone, and he was the very reason why. This made Leo clench his jaw. He doesn’t wanna fight his brother, but he will if that’s what’s gonna take to come to a conclusion.

‘Please forgive me (Y/n)...’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Brother, they found different creatures, and (Y/n). Shall we contain them?” General Serpiente landed beside General Aguila. Aguila straightened his posture at the news and turned to his brother’s and sister.

“Yes, but we shall not harm (Y/n). Keep her safely contained and bring the creature by force.” Aguila responded to his sister, and the rest of his brothers with authority. Making their way towards their targets, they noticed a fight between two creatures. (Y/n) stood at the side lines, watching them with disappointment and sadness.

Aguila see’s two of the foot soldiers ready to capture you, but he stops them. “We wait until one creature stands.” With that, the two soldiers stopped their movements and nodded.

Everyone was waiting for the petty battle to be over, except for Aguila. He focuses his stare at you. He wonders why his brother is more fond of you than he can ever admit. With a deep thought, Aguila’s eyes only widened a bit, realizing the answer to his question. Has he been frozen in stone for that long for his memories to be in such a blur?

“Is something the matter, brother?” General Gato asked him, noticing the change of focus in his eyes.

“No.” Aguila only gave a simple answer. Not wanting anyone to catch his gaze with suspicion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fight finally ended. Raph hovers over Leo with one of his sai’s beside his head, and the other is held tightly in his hands. The look Raph gave him was something you never saw in all the years you’ve seen them fight. You didn’t want to think about it but he looked like he was ready to kill…

You couldn’t breath at the moment, you didn’t even realize your eyes were glistening with tears because of the rain. Leo looked up at Raph, surprised but became uncertain about his own brother’s next move, or intentions.. This was one side of Raph that Leo has never seen himself.

Raph slowly came back to his senses and a wave of guilt overcame his features. Raph stood up and stepped back from Leo, letting him stand up and clutch his side. Raph turned his head to look at you and the sight made him feel horrible. You're standing there, frozen in place with your unshed tears and scared expression. This was enough to make him feel like a monster.

Leo saw you and showed guilt. He showed guilt in his eyes, face, posture. Raph turned back towards Leo and shook his head in disbelief and regret.

“Raph-” Your cracked voice only made Raph bolt through the rooftops. Leo wanted to call out to him but he knew that Raph wouldn’t stop. You both started to where Raph disappeared and Leo looked at you. He took some steps towards your heartbroken figure.

“(Y/n), I’m so-” Leo grunts in pain when something hits his shoulder. He looks down to find the same syringe that hit Raph a couple nights ago. Your eyes widen at the syringe and then at Leo.

“Leo!” You quickly moved to aid him but a black figure held your arms tightly. You turned your head quickly and saw a foot soldier. “Get the fuck off me!” You thrashed around.

More of them came into view and you saw four stone statues. The ones you saw on the news and the ones that Raph and Casey encountered.

Leo felt dizzy and tried to hold on to his strength when he saw you in trouble. He sees his surroundings and glares at them. Leo gave his attack on Aguila first, only to be slapped aside and onto the ground. You were raging mad now. You kicked the soldiers chin and yanked yourself forward to hit the back of your head with his nose. The asshole let you go with a groaning pain.

You ran and knelt beside Leo. “What the fuck did you do to him!” You yelled angrily at Aguila. Your attention switched quickly from the statue fucker to Leo. Leo tried to get up but it was no use. You put a hand on his shoulder and the other on his cheek to make him look at you.

“Leo? Hey, stay with me okay.” You looked into his eyes, you were worried. Leo gazed at your eyes. Despite all the heartbreak, anger. and disappointment he had seen those eyes hold, he saw the care. He didn’t think he would see that again in your beautiful eyes. Let alone your warm affection. Leo leaned weakly against your hand on his cheek and closed his eyes, knowing that it won’t last long. He even breathed in your scent, the scent that gave him the feeling of home. This may have been only a small gesture of your kindness, but it was something he craved.

The unfamiliar drug in his system couldn’t let him form words. All you could hear was mumbling and you couldn’t even understand him.

“Not human, but clearly not the final monster.” The shorter statue told the other, looking at Leo. The other one smirked at the unconscious creature. Their stare at Leo only made you hold on to him close while glaring at them. Leo’s weak state only made him focus on your embrace, forgetting the situation completely.

“Yaotl won’t know the difference.” The smirking statue replied. “Get (Y/n), and attain the creature. He'll get suspicious if he waits too long.” He signaled the foot soldiers behind you and you were ready to fight back.

You were dragged away from Leo, you tried to fight them off. Much to Aguila’s amusement, you were a feisty one. However, your feistiness didn’t last long when they were able to tie you up. Aguila observed the scene in front of him and continued his conversation with his brother.

“By the time our brother discovers this turtle is not the thirteenth monster, it will already be too late.” Aguila finished, watching the two foot soldiers approach Leo with tranquilizer guns.

“No! Get away from him!” You yelled out and thrashed around even though you were tied. Leo heard your voice faintly and tried to reach out where you’ll most likely be. He wanted to feel that warmth, that kindness, that small affection. There was a lump in your throat, watching him reach out to you, looking for you. It was agonizing.

The two soldiers each shot more of the tranquilizer at Leo, making him yell in pain. You were about to yell but one of the soldiers placed a cloth on your mouth and nose to shut you up. The scent was annoying and made you dizzy. It was chloroform. You tried to hold your breath but it was no use. You slowly leaned and fell limp on the soldier that took the moment to make sure you were out. The soldier picked you up and carried you along to where he was instructed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The running through the rooftops came to a stop when he heard Leo’s painful shout travelled through the misty air. Raph made a sharp turn, high alert.

“Leo, (Y/n)!” He began to sprint back to where he left minutes ago. He was starting to panic. He left you both there, broken. Raph got to the corner and his eyes widened when he witnessed you and Leo be taken away unconscious. He growled angrily and continued his way to try to save the both of you.

“Leo! (Y/n)! Hang on!” Raph called out, desperately hoping to save you two. His pace was increasing with determination, until the enemies got into the garbage truck. The truck sped away from the alley right when Raph landed. He screamed out in frustration and threw his sai’s in anger.

He didn’t mean things to end the way they did. Knowing you both were gone...He wanted to apologize, to make things right. Deep down, he never wanted to fight Leo, not the way he did. He wanted to take it all back. He should’ve listened to you…

‘Let’s not do anything we’ll regret.’ Your warning voice repeated in his mind. Your fear and sadness flashed in his mind, as well as Leo’s beaten body. He regretted everything.

“I’m sorry...so sorry..” Raph whispered with a cracked voice, tears threatening to spill.

///////////////////////////////////////////

How do you guys feel about that🤔? Crazy huh🤯?

🤩Guess what!~~ I'm starting to think about opening requests for TMNT. I'm going to post your requests so be sure you all know what you want!~ And did I mention that it can be for any version of TMNT? 😍Cause it is!!

⬅ Previous Chapter

Next Chapter ➡

MASTERLIST

[starvedsaints]

ok ok i’ve talked ab caleo briefly before but i just wanna discuss why it Does Not Work for me because i am annoyed and i need to let my thoughts out into the world

so if you’re reading this i’d assume you’re already a pjoverse fan but let’s go over their characters real quick anyway.

we’re introduced to leo valdez in the lost hero and from his very first chapter we can gather that he’s pretty insecure. this pattern of insecurity, feeling like a third (and then seventh) wheel follows him through all the books. he’s insecure about his looks, his friends, his romantic relationship (or lack thereof) and tends to use humour as a coping mechanism. his closest friends are piper and jason, who for the longest time were a couple so he definitely felt like he was the least loved in the trio. because of this (and also the fact that he was the only single person on the argo 2) he craved a romantic relationship. he missed out on a lot of love and affection as a kid bc of his mother’s death and now he has to deal with literally every single one of his friends loving someone better than him. not to mention he’s already been rejected by two girls, khione and hazel.

then there’s calypso, an imprisoned echantress from ancient greece. i’m not gonna base her personality off what she’s like in the odyssey bc rick did not go by that interpretation at all so i won’t either lmfao. but what we do know about her (from before hoh) is what we gather from her time with percy. she’s sweet, she’s gentle, and she’s been trapped and mistreated for thousands of years. every once in a while the gods will send her a hero to fall in love with who will then leave her, ultimately causing her even more pain. so not only does she bear a lot of ill will towards the gods (and rightfully so), but she also bears ill will towards all the heroes she fell in love with, who in the end all forget about her. yes, even percy (even though i think that was ooc for him but that’s a post for another day). but anyways. while we can definitely tell that calypso’s a kind girl, we have to accept that most of her “desires” are revolved around guys (sigh). what i mean when i say that is that yes, she wants to be free of her curse, but she can only be free if a guy comes to rescue her for some reason. so what you end up with is a very disney princess concept where a smart and brave guy has to rescue the poor cursed girl. and i think we can all agree we’re getting sick of that concept.

ok, moving on. now let’s look at what these two characters have in common. not that much, right? except their need to love and be loved.

you might be saying: “but sofia, if that’s what they both desire, aren’t they perfect for each other?”

i mean, yes, except this need to love and be loved is fueled directly by ALL their insecurities. therefore it is not healthy. at all. bc what they’re actually doing by jumping headfirst into a romantic relationship without resolving their other feelings is they’re feeding their insecurities. which is not good.

“ok, so what do you propose rick did with the two of them instead?”

the answer is simple. keep them single. not every character has to be in a relationship to be happy, least of all the ones who are most insecure about not being in a relationship. bc think about it this way, what happens in the realistic scenario that they break up? they’re back to square one. leo’s an insecure mess and calypso is completely alone in a world she doesn’t know that well. which might be even worse than just staying in ogygia. what they needed and deserved was to learn to be on their own. that’s not to say they both have to stay single forever (though hunter!calypso is something i greatly support lmfao) but they should at least learn to cope with their issues before rushing in to date someone.

anyways, that’s my rant done. it probably made no sense but there you go. if you disagree with me, that’s totally fine, but please don’t try to argue with me (though i am totally up for hearing why it is you disagree with me! friendly debate is fine!). either way, be respectful of all ships so long as they’re appropriate!!

[sonofsallyjackson]

Late Night HOO thoughts.

I apologize if this doesn’t make much sense it’s almost 6 AM and my insomnia has been extra unpleasant tonight. But I’m hoping that if I write this I can drain some thoughts from my head and hopefully sleep finally.

A common complaint about HOO is that it loses sight of who the series is really supposed to be about, the lost trio. While I understand the complaint since the trio really doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time together or actual character arcs, it also rubs me slightly the wrong way. Firstly, because no one really gets a comprehensive character arc in HOO, not just the lost trio. And it might be easy to ignore my unease with simply well you like Frank and Hazel, of course you dislike the idea that the Lost Trio deserves to be front and center. But that’s not it. (Believe me I chronically fall in love with background characters and have to create content for myself. I understand that certain narratives take precedence.)

I always felt like Rick sort of danced around the fact that he created the two questing groups and kept their involvement in the narrative rooted in those initial goals, but acted like they still had one big common goal while never fully intigrating the teams.

Because yes, when it comes to Gaea, it’s always going to be Piper, Leo and Jason. They are the ones Gaea identified specifically as a threat and whose lives were manipulated by Hera so they would be ready to defeat Gaea. Their focus is preventing Gaea from waking/sending her back to sleep.

In comparison, Frank, Hazel and Percy’s focus has always been on righting Gaea’s manipulation of death. They free Thanatos and then arguably make the largest contributions to closing the doors of death. Their narratives are centered around the idea of the disruption of the proper order of death the same way Jason and Leo’s revolve around Gaea’s manipulations. Hazel literally returned from the dead, after sacrificing herself to kill the life she was manipulatived into creating. Frank didn’t know if he could actually die naturally if his stick was still protected. (He’s also grieving his mother and grandmother. He learns about his connections to the gods and sets out for camp on the day of his mother’s funeral.).

As the cursed trio’s quest is only possible because Gaea is awake enough to carry out the manipulation of death, you’re technically right in saying that in the end everything should begin and end with the lost trio. Gaea is the season’s big bad villain the same way Kronos was in PJO. That’s why the Lost Trio has the final showdown. It begins and ends with them.

But the Cursed Trio’s quest is like Typhon in PJO. Typhon is a potential world-ending problem that needs to be solved before the team can safely defeat the big bad. Even if they defeated Gaea despite the severe disadvantage of things not staying dead, the world would still be in complete chaos. If Typhon destroyed Olympus, it would have been basically impossible to beat Kronos or for the gods to carry out their duties afterward. (It’s not an exact comparison but I think it illustrates my point effectively enough.) Could you erase Typhon from TLO? Sure but then you’d have a fundamentally different final battle since the gods are available to help defend Olympus. You need to Cursed Trio and their efforts to restore the natural order of things.

Just for the record, since I feel like I needed to explain how Annabeth fits into this two questing groups framework. Annabeth, despite being intimately tied to the cursed trio’s quest, has always walked alone so to speak. Her goal throughout the series was painted as recovering what had been lost, first Percy and then the Athena Parthenos. I don’t think it made any sense that the books specifically mentioned on multiple occasions that Gaea wanted Percy and Annabeth’s blood to awaken her. I mean you could argue she wanted it because they were the ones directly responsible for the Titan’s failure, or because it would be very poetic to have their blood sacrificed in the city important to both their parents, but narratively Piper and Jason/Leo made more sense.

[thecomicsnexus]

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #48-49 JUNE - JULY 1992 BY KEVIN EASTMAN, PETER LAIRD, JIM LAWSON, KEITH AIKEN AND ERIC TALBOT

SYNOPSIS (FROM TURTLEPEDIA)

The TMNT are preparing to go on a mission in the city of Springfield, Massachusetts. Donatello bows out of the exercise so he can debug his latest project, and thus Splinter sends the three remaining Turtles to the city. Their goal: find Casey Jones and return to Northampton before 1 AM. April drives the guys to town and drops them off - if they can't find Casey and get him to take them back home, they'll have to walk... all 20 miles.

Raph comes up with a plan - "an immobile object is easier to find than a mobile one," thus the TMNT decide to find Casey's car so they won't risk missing him. After all, Casey can't get back to town without his wheels. So the Mutants head off to find Jones' Chevy.

Meanwhile, Casey is spying on the guys and heads off in the opposite direction. He enters a playground where he's accosted by three young punks, who insist he pay a toll. A fight breaks out and Jones accidentally kills one of the boys.

From the rooftops, we see the costumed clad vigilante Nobody (from Tales of the TMNT #2). Nobody, although being an ally of the Turtles, doesn't know who Casey is, and attacks Jones for committing the crime of homicide. A battle takes place, and Nobody tries to handcuff Casey and take him in.

The Turtles spot the two remaining hoods fleeing and figure that the boys must have run into Casey, so they double back. The TMNT arrive in time to prevent Nobody from taking Jones to the police, but the crime fighter is angered by the situation.

"You realize this makes you accomplishes." the costumed cop states.

"Casey will answer for whatever he is guilty of. Justice will be served." Raph replies.

As the Turtles and their shaken friend depart, Nobody mutters, "Yes... I'll see to that."

April is talking to her sister Robyn on the phone. April is worried about starting a relationship with a man who helped her out of a jam, and Robyn is trying to figure out why her sister has been so mysterious about her life the past few years. Before any resolution is reached, Robyn has to hang up to attend to her baby. As April puts the receiver down, Master Splinter walks into the kitchen. O'Neil explains her dilemma to the wise old rat.

"Ever since I met you and the Turtles... and Casey... my life has been so secretive and strange. I mean... how can I get to know this guy - or any guy - if I can't let him get to know me? 'Cause getting to know me means learning about you guys... and that... geez! Sometimes I just wish I had a normal life. Splinter... what should I do?"

The Sensei thinks for a moment and then responds, "Leave."

This was not the comforting solution that April was hoping to hear.

Casey wakes up and quickly remembers what happened the night before. He hurries to the bathroom and retches. April walks by and calls out to see if he needs help and Casey orders her away. The bemused O'Neil dejectedly walks off.

Casey gets dressed and has an awkward silent moment with April in the kitchen before he takes off running into the woods. As he burns off his energy, Jones laments all of the "if only" scenarios that would have kept him from killing the young thug in the playground. Eventually Casey comes to a waterfall that has a fallen tree spanning the ravine, creating a bridge to the other side of the river. Donatello is sitting on the tree observing the stream in attempt to "understand the fractal structure of natural patterns," an element of Chaos Theory that Donnie is excited about.

Don's explanation irritates Jones and he blasts the Turtle for using big words and acting better than everybody else. Casey than demands to know why Donatello hasn't spent any time with him.

"Well" the perplexed terrapin begins, "We don't exactly share a lot of interests..."

This reply only angers Jones more and Don asks him if they can take up this conversation at a later time, when Casey is sober. Jones pushes the issue and gets more and more agitated and threatening until Donatello is forced to draw his bo and teach Casey a lesson in manners and humility. In short order, Donnie sends Casey careening into the water waiting below. Perhaps Jones also learned a thing or two about fractals while he was in the drink.

Meanwhile, Raph, Leo and Mike are training in the barn while the news plays on a radio in the background. Leo beats Raph in two out of three falls when a report comes on regarding gang-related slayings in New York City between warring Asian factions. Upon hearing this story, Raph walks out of the practice session.

Later, Casey is back at the playground where he accidentally killed the teen. The man called Nobody shows up, only this time he's wearing his police uniform rather than his super-hero costume. Nobody tells Jones that the three other hoods turned themselves in and their story matched Casey's, thus making it apparent that Jones was acting in self-defense.

"You sound disappointed." Jones remarks.

"Do I?" the vigilante cop inquires, "Well... I do prefer an open and shut case, and you seem guilty as Hell. But... facts are facts. As much as I live to bring criminals to justice, I have to face those facts. Besides... the courts are full of poor jerks like you, ingested and spat back out, guilty or innocent, it doesn't matter."

"Wow," observes Casey, "At least you're not bitter."

Nobody then relates his philosophy to Casey about the state of the world, a Yin-Yang theory that revolves around the idea that the further man advances, the more he regresses. The policeman then wonders how much longer the fabric of society can be stretched before it tears.

Casey states that he doesn't know, and Nobody then says that when he first met the TMNT he felt that they were an omen.

"I thought that it might be a sign... a sign that the end was near... you know, 'The Beasts Rising Up', that sort of thing." the cop states.

"Uh... yeah." Jones answers, "Look... I gotta go..."

"I won't stop you." replies Nobody.

Casey then heads off in silence towards downtown Springfield.

REVIEW

This is a good TMNT story, and it is written by their creators as well.

It’s been a while since we focused on Casey Jones and April (most guest writers used them as plot generators but didn’t invest much time in making them real).

And this was bound to happen, in fact, I would have assumed that something like this already happened to Casey, after all, his methods are quite aggressive.

Nobody came back for this story (to be honest, I didn’t really miss him), and we also got to know Robyn O’Neil.

The story seems to be pointing at a certain climax (the volume is getting into a final 12-issue saga). Between the gangs in New York, Splinter’s moods and April’s needs, something has to happen.

The art is also very good. Sometimes Jim Lawson can be a bit too angular, but the backgrounds look amazing.

I give this story a score of 9.

[tinnybelliever]

*: ･ﾟ∙ * ⁕ THE TRUTH ABOUT TINSLEY BELL

Her stats and extended biography (and some fun facts) can be found below the cut. For more info message me and I’ll add it here!

Stats.

Name: Tinsley Bell Nickname: Tins, Tinny, Tin-Tin, Tink is only for Peter, sparkles Age: 19 years Birthday: July 13 Zodiac sign: Cancer Sun, Leo moon Pronouns: She/her Location: Second one to the right, Mama Odie’s apartment block, The Bayou Occupation: (finally) Fine arts student Height: 5′2″ aka 157cm (Kristine is actually 5′7″ but sssh) Hair: Blonde/brownish thanks to Sunnyside’s sun! Scars: Several small ones and two big ones on her back from (childhood) adventurousness gone awry.

Psyche.

Tinsley’s self-image is very interdependent. Which means she builds her own identity around the relationships she has with others and that makes her fragile in a way you might not expect from this tough (but cute) looking treeclimber.

+ loyal, inventive, keeps secrets as if it’s a game she can win, helpful, great at manual instructions (so if you need someone to set up your Ikea furniture... one address) ± very expressive: you can read the emotions from her face most of the time; competitive, has a fickle sense of faith (sometimes everything’s possible. sometimes it isn’t.) - thirsts after attention, moodswings, loves to be right, never takes the blame (takes screenshots of everything just to recite it back to you)

Story.

Tinsley Bell’s the girl every parent at their garden parties used to call cute till way past her peers’ prime time. Perhaps it were the fluffy sweater paws or the way she always entertained the kids with her newly invented games. But, despite what Tinsley loved to belief, even to all good things come an end. Too soon someone raised the question why this girl wasn’t growing up. It was near the end of her high school career and it bothered both the little blonde as her father, apparently. Though the two ended up having different ideas on how they should shape Tins’ future from there on.

Tinny thought it was a clear deal. All her life had revolved around outdoor adventures in the woods or with the kids off the orphanage... and crafting. And since treasure hunts weren’t a real profession - not even in a dreamtown like Sunnyside, she thought it natural to continue her studies by refining her art skills. Her father, however sweet he may be, wanted to raise his girls well. Even if that meant crushing one’s tiny dreams and sending her to do accounting. She’d always been great at counting, after all (mainly her many collections and trinkets, but still). Tinsley didn’t struggle with him on the topic, wanting to make him proud and deep down she had little hope to prove she was actually good enough for art school, anyways.

But where there is a wish, there’s a wishwush* and nothing restored Tinsley’s faith in herself more than watching the dandelion seeds scatter off in whichever direction the wind chose to carry them. She could feel the wind pushing her towards art school but one needed money to enroll and man, it wasn’t cheap. Luckily, with the support of her half-sister, she found the inspiration and goodwill to set up an online webshop. What better way to provide for art by art itself, am I right?

Days and weeks went by and sales didn’t skyrocket as she had hoped though. Despite Perrie’s positive outlook on the matter, Tin slowly felt the hope slip out of her. If it weren’t for the fact she was feeling so lifeless and frankly, unloved, she might’ve never perked up during a talk with a future classmate about the wonderful world of chemical. With some (unsuspecting) helping hands, Tinsley created happiness in a pill. Well, powder. “Think happy thoughts.” She sold the glittery substance that mainly functioned like an SSRI and labelled it ‘fairy dust’. A soft drugs that worked in on your hormonal system to heighten your emotions and according to some, makes you feel like you’re floating.

The inventive blonde had to explain the sudden income to her parents somehow, so she kept up the whole webshop ruse (and eventually even used it as a way to distribute “special orders”). She hadn’t anticipated that day where her parents announced they’d always believed in her and wanted to take a leap of faith by moving her to art school but her smile was beaming. Though by now, deals had been cut that she couldn’t simply weasel her way out off so catch this girl working her way through uni while trying to keep more people happy than you might think at first sight.

*wishwush: [noun] Tinsley’s favourite flower aka the dandelion. You make a wish and whoosh there it goes.

Socials.

Username: @tinnybelliever

social media page // social media tag // pinterest musings board

Trash talk.

#1 What’s in Tinny’s trash can? worn-out scrunchies, the tiniest pencil, twinkies wrappers, a broken kettle, printed out (and torn up) screenshots of conversations.

#2 What’s the trash talk about Tinny? - "Tinsley Bell is flawless." - "She has two weird scars and that silver bell." - "I hear she spends all her money on getting ten thousand followers." - "I hear she throws bonfire parties... in the woods." - "Her favorite diet must be eating glitter." - "One time I caught her sneaking in and out of the orphanage so she must have a secret baby there." - "One time she met Peter in the hallways and he didn't tell her she looked pretty..." - "Yeah so she punched him in the face. It was awesome."

#3 Does Tinny have any trash thoughts? Yes, of course. No matter how much attention she gets, whether it’s from her half-sister, her best friend, her little squad, her online followers or even her enemies - it doesn’t mean she always feels loved. Trash thoughts don’t last very long, necessarily. She’s the girl that can actually wipe a smile on her face right after dabbing at her tears. (On the other hand, that also means there’s never a good time to bring her bad news.) She has a tendency to daydream about being someone more "important" than you feel you are and in those dark moments, her mind uses that against her. Screaming she’ll never ever shine again.

[mystisnykoto]

The Outsiders - Epilogue

A Tout le Monde

*click*

If... if you are hearing this, then hopefully my plan worked. B-but... gods this never gets easier... it also means that I'm... gone... It hurt and pained me to see moth-... Ruri, locked into The Net. I felt like I was the one to have truly failed her. It became my mission, and passion, that I would find a way to get the both of you back home safely.

                                                                                                                    Ruri sat outside of the workshop, watching over a group of children playing in the yard. She smiled as the children chased each other in a game of tag, giggling softly as one of them stumbled into a small pond. A small girl stopped and trotted back to check on her friend.

“A-are you okay?” the girl asked, reaching out a hand to help her friend out of the water. Her friend took her hand, standing up and tapping her on the head.

“You're it!” the boy giggled, leaping out from the pond and splashing water onto the girl. “No tag-backs!”

“H-hey!” the girl protested, letting out a huff as she chased after another of her friends.

“Be careful kids, don't want you to hurt yourselves,” Ruri spoke, as the blonde girl tagged a friend and bounded off towards the chocobo stable in the corner. The workshop door opened as Trix stepped outside, jumping back slightly as a small crowd rushed by.

“Wah! Careful kids!” Trix called at the children. Trix stepped back outside and closed the door. She flexed her hand, fluttering and rolling the fingers on her new mechanical hand.

“Yes Miss Trix!” the children called out in unison. Trix rolled her eyes as she stepped over and sat next to Ruri.

“How does it feel?” asked Ruri, looking over her friend's hand.

“It... feels strange...” Trix replied, quickly doing a few dexterity exercises, tapping the the tip of each finger to her thumb. “It's good that Iris had this just laying around, even if she didn't ever need it.”

“She had all sorts of random things from old allagan ruins,” Ruri spoke, looking over Trix's new hand. “Good thing the both of you were close to the same size, seems the arm fits you pretty well.”

“Definitely! Good thing she brought home a set of arms, rather than just the one she needed.” Trix wiggled her fingers a bit, laughing as it was able to transfer some amount of feeling back to her. “How is little Gabby getting along with the others?”

“She's doing well! It helps that several of the others were her friends when they were first put into The Net, but she is getting along with several of Iris' students, so that is good.”

“What about the others? You know, the ones that are not children again,” Trix asked, relaxing back onto the bench.

"Some of them chose to leave 'The Net' with us, and are trying to find their own place in their new world. Most decided to stay inside, which I can't blame them too much for wanting to stay.”

“Mommy!” Gabrielle called out as she ran up to Ruri. “Where is my other mommy?”

“She's...” started Ruri, as a look of sadness washed over her face. “She... she'll b-be back soon, I-I promise...” Ruri finished, as Gabrielle nodded and rejoined the other children.

“Do you ever plan on telling her?” asked Trix, looking over to Ruri.

“I... maybe... I'm not quite sure how to... or even what to tell her...” Ruri spoke.

                                                                                                                  I'm... still not quite sure what to say in this log, so... this will probably end up becoming an extended goodbye. You both treated me like a part of your family, despite being what I am. It gave me a sense of belonging and I was eternally grateful for it. I... I don't know what will happen when the terminal is used, but it requires a sort of sacrifice in order to clean and scrub someone's data. So... I'm going to give up myself so that... s-so that Ruri can go home. I don't know what will remain of me once this all happens, I don't know if I'll even have a body of my own, but regardless of it all, I do this willingly...

“Great, now get back over to the camp, the stew is ready,” spoke a woman clad in black leather, beckoning Leo back toward her and the rest of the Brigade. Leo followed after the woman, glancing back to the direction that Iris had taken off toward as meeting with a group inside of a small cavern, gathered around a campfire. A gray-skinned roegadyn spooned some stew into a bowl and held it out towards Leo, a soft smile crossing his face.

“So what is your determination?” the roe asked. “You know her better than most anyone; did your initial thoughts ring true and the android is the real girl?” Leo took the bowl from the roe, finding a seat atop a log.

“Thanks Rad, and yes they held true,” spoke Leo, eating a spoonful of stew. “But she's not soo much the real Iris, since they are both the real Iris.”

“What do you mean?” asked Vai, leaning against the wall of the cavern as she ate her stew.

“She's somehow split off from her original self, and created a second version of her,” replied Leo. “The true version of her is held within the android, whereas the original is corrupted by this other spirit or whatever is inside her, somewhat similar to those with some types of void corruption.”

“So... there are two of her?” asked a blue-haired lalafell.

“No, more like... more that there is Iris, which is the android, and then... well... Other Iris, which is the aether vacuum.”

“So... do they share memories? What makes them different?” asked Rad, eating a few more spoonfuls of stew.

“Well, it's... imagine if...” started Leo, looking over to a male midlander meditating away from the group. “Okay, imagine Stone over there, and now imagine that you magically have two of him.”

“Oh gods! Two of Stone!?” the lalafell laughed out. “One of him is bad enough!”

“N-no, we aren't actually making two, just... pretend. So, you take the second Stone, and make him an android, and put the other in some sort of hibernation. Then the android goes on living as if nothing changed-” started Leo pausing slightly, as Vai cut in.

“Except that he's now a robot, that's a bit of a change,” spoke Vai with a chuckle.

“Well, yes, but that's not the point I'm getting to. So, android Stone thinks he's the only one, but then the original Stone wakes up and comes back. But, now the original Stone lacks all these extra experiences that Android Stone has had. They are both real, but it becomes quite subjective whom you consider to be the true version of the pair, as they both see themselves as real.”

“So, what if you made a copy of the android version?” asked the roe. “Can this true-ness follow over to the new copy?”

“Well it could but it's not a thing that can transfer from one person to-” started Leo as the midlander shuffled a bit and stood up to his feet.

“The matter isn't as complex as you make it out to be,” spoke the midlander. “The Mother has asked us to destroy these two, and return these built-up aether stores back to Hydaelyn, and that is what we are to do.”

“I have confidence that Iris will take care of the issue on her own,” spoke Leo. “No need for us to intervene when we don't ultimately need to do so.”

“What makes you think that?” asked Vai.

“Iris has a knack for getting in and out of trouble,” Leo spoke with a laugh. “Out-classed or out-matched, she'll think of something to given her the advantage...”

                                                                                                                  A soft wind blew through the Shroud, a silence falling over the otherwise lively forest. A lone figure stood within the Hanging Barbs, standing before a small stone monument formed around a thin-bladed sword, marking the site of a grave.

'It's... strange...' spoke a robotic voice inside of the figure's head.

“Hmph,” Iris chuckled. She smiled, admiring the headstone as she placed a small bundle of purple flowers before it. “What makes you say that?” she asked aloud.

'Well mostly the part that we are looking over our own grave.'

“I don't think it is,” Iris spoke again, replying to her new system voice, having been replaced by her former self. “It's a grave, but not for Iris. This... this is for Aeslyn.” Iris let out a soft sigh, touching lightly over the top of the marker. “Aeslyn... who we used to be, has passed. But, Iris, whom we truly are, is still alive and well.”

'It's a wonder the elementals even allowed the burial here.'

“Probably because of the aether held inside our old body. All that aether filtering out will help the forest to flourish, and is the closest path for the aether to return to the planet.”

'And it's Ruri's favorite place.'

“Well, yeah. That was originally why I chose to bury us... h-her in this place.” Several minutes passed and Iris stood back to her feet.

'We should head back home.'

“Definitely, I miss Ruri and Gabby.”

'It makes me happy to see that Omi was able to find some peace, finally. Seeing all of her diary logs... she had been through so much more than I ever imagined...'

“We could all use some peace, for once...” Iris giggled, touching lightly over her cheek. “So much has been happening lately that... I just want some quiet time at home, to be able to live out the rest of my life with my family in peace.”

'Hopefully that is what will happen, although trouble does seem to revolve around us wherever we go.'

“Yeah... There are times why I wonder why that is so much the case. Whatever the true cause of it all, hopefully the fates allow us some respite from... well, everything.”

'Maybe, but the only way to find out if that is the case will be to keep moving forward...'

                                                                                                                  In the end, no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'll miss you both, and Trix as well. Please give her my regards if you would. If something of me remains, please take care of me. I kind of hope I get reset back to how I entered The Net, let me have a chance at a real childhood. To everyone, all my friends. I love you all, I have to go...

(First Chapter)          (Previous Chapter)         

(Other Tales)

[eileentothestars]

Today I am going to kind of review but mostly scream about Batman ‘66 Meets The Man From UNCLE because it makes me happy.  Yes, I know this comic came out like two years ago but I don’t care and you can’t stop me, so either strap in or scroll past, kids.  No knowledge of either show required.  Spoilers ahead.

So ‘60s Batman is famous for being a camp fest, but The Man from UNCLE did that too; the 1965-66 season started to slide into light camp and even did the whole two-part-episode-separated-by-a-cliffhanger thing (”Alexander the Greater Affair,” Parts 1 & 2) several months before Batman debuted and made it legend.  But it wasn’t a one-way relationship.  When Batman proved a monster hit, MFU cranked the camp up several notches to try to siphon off some of their success.

In other words, this is a perfect choice for a crossover, even if the timing of this comic’s release (early 2016) makes me think they only did this in response to the 2015 MFU reboot movie.

So the comic revolves around a mysterious agent of THRUSH, the evil organization UNCLE frequently went up against, recruiting several Batman villains for some nefarious purpose, and you know what that means: STUPID DEATH TRAPS GALORE WHEEEE

Once again Illya is given reason to despair of heterosexuality.

The villainess there is Olga, Queen of the Cossacks.  Her captives are, of course, Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin, the men from UNCLE.  If you’ve never seen the show, that’s okay, the comic helpfully pilfers the opening sequence from the very early episodes to introduce them to you.

Olga takes a liking to Illya based on the fact that they were both played by actors who are clearly not Russian and lets him go... as long as he promises to kill Napoleon.  Illya is very happy to go along and semi-pretends to smack Napoleon around a bit.

Well he wasn’t THAT happy about it.  But what would either of these shows be without blatant innuendo?

Skipping ahead (do I even need to tell you they escape?), Batman and Robin have their own near brush with death at the hands of the Penguin, who admits he was working with THRUSH.  Thankfully for the Caped Crusaders, their butler Alfred just happens to be an old friend of Waverly’s, and both sets of characters finally come together at a fancy-pants soiree at Wayne Manor.

1) I love the fact that Alfred and Waverly were army buddies 

2) I need to talk about the art for a second.  It’s mostly pretty good, but then you get weirdness like the above.

For the uninitiated, Alfred was played in the ‘60s show by Alan Napier, who was 6′9″ to Adam West’s (Batman’s) 6′2″.  And yet somehow here he’s the same height as Waverly, who was played by Leo G. Carroll.  IMDb says Carroll was 5′10″, which I suspect is an exaggeration, but regardless, Alfred should be TOWERING here.

Now this panel seems a little more accurate in terms of the height differences. (Robert Vaughn was apparently about 5′8″, making him Burt Ward/Robin’s height, but again, this is from IMDb which is a lying liar so idk anymore). Clearly the artist knew what the actors were supposed to look like, so I really don’t know wtf was up with Alfred there.

Speaking of weird artistic choices, there are some artist’s notes included in the back of the book as a bonus feature.

“handsome but generic” lol ouch

asldfhalsdjflasldflaks;dl

Um pardon me but what universe is this artist living in that he thinks that sweater is “frumpy?”  Lana Turner could walk into a malt shop and get discovered in that sweater.

ANYWAY back on track.

THRUSH’s Bat-recruits crash the fancy-pants soiree to steal a science doohickey.  Said recruits include some relatively minor villains from the ‘60s series, like Siren, Egghead, Sandman and Mister Freeze, as well as characters who never got a chance to appear on the show, like Scarecrow and Poison Ivy.  Ivy has a southern accent for some reason, but it works, so I’m not complaining.

The attack leads to this fantastic panel.

So now our heroes have to figure out where the bad guys took the science doohickey and what their ultimate plan is.  The Bat-clan and the UNCLE agents hold a video conference to compare notes, which Robin is super hyped about because VIDEO CONFERENCE IN THE ‘60S YOU GUYS

Wow wait what the sh--

Never let Napoleon run a Skype chat

So UNCLE has discovered the bad guys’ hideout is off the coast of Monaco, with the help of a random lady named Blanche (she of frumpy sweater fame).  See, part of MFU’s shtick was that some innocent bystander--usually a woman--would get dragged into the mission du jour and help our heroes resolve it.  That element really gets shoved to the sidelines in this comic, and that’s fair enough.  We already have a lot of main characters running around.  Blanche only shows up for like three pages, but it’s long enough for Bats to give his unsolicited opinion.

Surprisingly, Waverly’s response is not “Yeah well you bring an underage boy in hot pants on your missions so stfu.”

So off to Monaco we go--and yes, an ersatz Princess Grace does show up, thanks for asking--only for everyone to get captured and dragged to an undersea base.  There we finally discover our main villain: Doctor Strange (not that one... though now I want that crossover too), a THRUSH agent who got into Arkham Asylum as a psychologist in order to determine which villains would serve THRUSH best.

I mean she’s not wrong.

Basically Hugo Strange’s plan is to slowly brainwash all of our heroes into becoming his pawns so they’ll help him achieve world domination.  His brainwashing methods look suspiciously like the Bohemian Rhapsody music video, anachronisms be hanged.

NEVER LET ME GO (LET ME GOOOOOOOOOOO)

FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE *vigorous headbanging*

Okay this post is already way too long so let’s wrap up.  Our heroes manipulate the Bat-villains a bit, pointing out that Strange only sees them as subordinates, which hurts their egos enough that they’re willing to team up with both dynamic duos to defeat Strange.

Side note: Batgirl is in this comic and she is amazing.

Look at her kicking the heads off Ivy’s plant men like a BOSS

A hundred feet under the ocean and outnumbered seven to one and she’s still ready to throw down.  THAT’S MY GIRL

And you can probably guess the rest of the story: heroes triumphant, villains defeated, and there is also a giant octopus involved.  So if you were disappointed in the ‘66 Batman movie where Penguin mentions having a trained octopus but never shows it to us, I hope this will heal the octopus-shaped hole in your heart.

So anyway, that’s the comic.  I skipped over a whole lot of cool stuff so please buy it and also both of these shows and also the Batman ‘66 comic in general.  One day I may do a post about Batman ‘66 Meets The Green Hornet too because it is actually EVEN BETTER

[auroraynld]

23 years revolving around the sun.

Jakarta, August 25 2020

I don’t really want to start this post with “In the midst of this pandemic”, yet the fact that i still stuck in the midst of the a getting worst pandemic can’t really say that at all.

However, i literally just had a 23rd birthday last Saturday, and i gotta admit that i actually am very tired of this nonstop pace of work. Furthermore, i sorta held my hope high for being a birthday girl last Saturday, as you know, August 22nd has always been my favourite day of the year. However, i know exactly that i should yet put my hopes high on any of this since i only have 3 best friends and 1 boyfriend that understand me - since i can yet to be known as the easiest person on earth - hence, i really can not rely on anybody else only to create my own happiness.

After 23 years of living on this earth, i also gotta admit that i am one hell of a blessed person, as i am able to experience many things that others are not. Even though this life is indeed very full of drama, but well, at least i am here now, living quite well on the verge of the end of the world.

I always think that i deserve something. Yes, i am that kind of self-centered and egoistical person who always thinks that i am deserving things. I know precisely that this very kind of characteristic is the one of thousands thing that led me to be a friendless person who everyone hates, other than i’m a typical Leo which annoyingly everyone hates for everything that i have, either may it be my personality, or simply my always-wanna-be-in-the-spotlight ambition.

23 years of walking on this very planet, it is always hard for me to make friends. I hate on being left out, yet at the same time, i don’t have any capacity on being a kind and non-judgemental person. 

To be really honest, i don’t really know what should i pour into this post - as clueless as pouring my emotion into words. So i guess, let’s just sum up everything about yesterday: 

Growing up means that i gotta admit that i may not the person that everyone loves, as well means that i have to realise that not everything i need to know. Growing up also means that it’s ok to be alone, as long as those people that i love are safe, sound, and do care about me. 

[i-am-adlocked]

Got tagged by two people and since the questions are custom-made (lol) I guess, I’ll answer twenty-two instead of eleven LMAO. Love you both guys!

The rules are:

• Post the rules

• Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

• Write eleven questions of your own

• Tag eleven people

QUESTIONS FROM @equusgirl​

1. If you could have lunch with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?

This is a tough one. I have many different aspects of myself—several masks. My joker-self would want to be with my friends because I never fail to make them laugh their pants off. My lonely-self would want my future spouse, whoever that person is, right now. My artist-self would want Vincent Van Gogh so I could do the Doctor Who thing where I would reassure him that he is amazing. 

My desperate-self would want Bob Ross because I bet he’d inspire me the hell out. My sad-self would want to have lunch with my dead happy-self because I bet I’d slap the hell out of my face. My family-oriented-self would want my maternal grandfather I never got to meet because he doesn’t know me and it’s nice to have a family who would probably say that they’re proud of me. Estranged relatives are like that, I think lmao

OH and I would also want any psychologist, so I’d have free sessions to deal with my ADHD because I can never afford to have more sessions, and I’d finally get a prescription cos I need dem meds.

2. You’re stuck on an elevator with whoever is on your lock/home screen. Who is it?

If we’re talking about my phone, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with the Eiffel Tower (lock screen) and Mona Lisa (home screen). If we’re talking about my computer, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with Sherlock (lock screen) and Leo Valdez (home screen). Ho-ho-ho I will be in an elevator with self-loathing mask-wearing joking-but-dead-inside heroes. That will be fun.

3. Last TV show/movie you watched?

I rewatched the last episode of The Crown again after I binged-watched Riverdale and re-re-re-binged-watched The Good Place. Movie-wise, it was the Filipino film called “Ang Larawan”. It’s actually hard for me to watch films because it takes a lot of time for me to stay focused in one episode.

4. A cottage on the beach or a cabin in the mountains?

Cabin in the mountains. I hiss angrily at beaches because I tan so easily and I kid you not, I haven’t swum in a beach since 2009. In a country where lighter paler skin was more cherished, and being an insecure bullied 10-year-old. You’ll understand why. Nowadays, I guess the habit just stuck. ALSO CABIN IN THE MOUNTAINS HOW FREAKING COOL WOULD THAT BE... I’d be surrounded by trees, it would be cold there, I can sit by the fireplace, look out my window to view the beautiful forest and night sky, and just drink whiskey, read a book, and quietly whisper, “Bless.”

5. Last song you listened to?

If we’re not including Brooke Simpson’s performances (specifically, “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World”) in The Voice which I legit just binge-watched before opening Tumblr, it would be the Riverdale Cast’s cover of “Mad World.” I was shookt that I liked it.

6. Most recent obsession?

Video-editing. More-so than usual. I legit have anxieties when I’m not making a video. I should probably stop after finishing these videos I’m doing because I know it will hinder my studies (which I’m already failing at because of my worsening ADHD), and it’s already ruining my sleeping patterns and eating habits. It’s a toxic kind of obsession.

7. Last thing you googled?

“people find out harry potter is abused fic rec” shut up (if interested, click here)

8. Which city would you most like to visit?

(for the first time?) Athens. (again?) either Assisi or Rome or Paris. You can’t make me choose.

9. If you could bring one (1) fictional character to life, who would it be?

I’m having a hard time between Mary Watson (Sherlock) and River Song (Doctor Who) *sobs*

10. Favorite thing about yourself?

My... God, I don’t know, really. I don’t really like myself so how can I find a favorite thing about myself? My ability to brag for things I’m not even good at, I guess? False advertising of myself, I guess? HAHAHAHHA WAIT NO! My ability to make anything sad or depressing. Yes, I’m good at that. It’s not my favourite thing about me but out of all, that’s the only thing I think I’m really good at.

11. Ideal career?

Becoming a wife and mother. Some people give me odd looks for this but I really want to take care of people in ways I never experienced. I want to be there for some people—to feel needed and depended on—to be trusted, long-term.

Younger-me would be furious. She was aro-ace. As a person who grew up only relying on books as company, I thought I would grow up as the typical strong independent woman who is a CEO or is an actress, or a musical theatre performer... I used to want to be that... 

But those dreams were based on what my family wanted. CEO because I grew up poor and being a CEO would make me financially stable which my parents wanted. Actress/Theatre Performer because my sister and I bonded through musical theatre, TV shows, and films, and we both love the arts (but I have to admit that she’s better than me with everything srsly im not kidding)...

But as just for myself? I really don’t see myself working for money, or working for the arts. I mean, obviously I want to work for money and for the arts, but... I want to work for people I care about—for a family I will finally not be scared enough to say “I love you” without fearing they would laugh in my face.

—oOo—

OKAY, NOW QUESTIONS FROM @musical-chick-13​

1. If you could wake up and be magically good at something you’ve never done before (or have little experience doing), what would you want it to be?

The ability to quickly understand things I’m not interested in and explain them to people easily with how I understood them. I think that would help me a lot in my Law class now at uni. Seriously, I’m having troubles reading, and I always stutter in class because I’m not good at formal English. 

My stupid brain needs time to process what I learned (which was written in English), explain it to myself (in Filipino), translate my explanation from Filipino to English, and focus enough to say those things out loud.

2. What is/are your favorite genre(s) of music?

I have an odd range: musical theatre, rock, indie, classical music, PIANO IS LIFE, ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT IS GOOD PIANO AT THE BEGINNING (usually starts with an A, idk why). Also, Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Hands down.

3. What was your first fandom?

Avatar: The Last Airbender. THE SERIES OKAY. A year after that was Harry Potter and Sherlock AT THE SAME TIME 2010 was a crazy year. Just like that, since I was eleven years old, I went down the road to fandom hell.

4. What is a play/musical/opera/etc. (basically any fictional work that’s not a book, movie, comic, or TV show) you like?

BOY YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN UGHGHGH ILL JUST PUT MY TOP SIX

Spring Awakening, Next to Normal, In the Heights. (I listen to the full album completely. The music is divine and the stories are beautiful. You got a story about sex, a story about mental illness, and a story about Hispanics). Spring Awakening’s and Next to Normal’s rock + violin music in a setting of 1800′s Germany and a typical family house, gets me on, ya know?

Sweeney Todd, Wicked, and Rent. (The typical classics I love, note that whenever Sweeney Todd’s Prologue and Wicked’s As Long as You’re Mine starts, I get orgasms just as much when the peak of Rent’s Goodbye Love goes). Great songs, seriously.

5. If you could get paid for doing a mundane task, what would you choose to get paid for?

Organising files.

6. What is a joke you really like?

My death.

7. If you had to have a job working under a fictional character, which character would you choose to be your boss and why?

Sherlock. He would know how to take care of me. He would know how to make me feel better. He has great work ethics, and he knows when to be harsh with his words and gentle, because he knows which people are deserving to be called idiots and those who are just insecure. Though I’ll probably annoy him because of how nervous I’d be but since “Faith Smith” I’d think he’d know how to deal with me, I guess.

8. What article of clothing is your favorite to wear (i.e., dresses, skirts, pants, suits, hats, jewelry, etc.)?

A gold necklace my grandmother gave to me because out of all my cousins (or our generation in our lineage), I’m the first one she gave an “inheritance” to because I happen to be her roommate. Considering that I am the dumbest in the family as well as the family freak, I consider this as my sole victory.

9. Do you consider yourself to be an optimist, a pessimist, or something else entirely?

A total pessimist. An optimist to those who are feeling pessimistic.  In my head, there is nothing but hopelessness, despair, and utter misery and pain. But homie, you say shit like that to me? You tell me you are feeling those? Yo, imma throw my rainbows and sunshine up your ass, you are gonna vomit glitter and light, I swear to all deities out there.

I may claim to say that I’m like this because I’m the only one who should be pessimistic, like I’m some narcissistic the-world-revolves-around-me idiot because I don’t like being depicted as anything else but manipulative, cruel, and an arsehole. So please stop telling me I’m nice or that I’m a good person. It makes me feel weird. They’re like unnatural things to say to me.

10. Feelings on cats?

Tolerable. My sister loves them. My school has cats just chilling around. They love me idk why. I love dogs more so I’m surprised they let me in their pack.

11. Favorite soda (or beverage in general if you don’t like soda)?

ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW OF MY WILD ADDICTION TO COCA-COLA.

—oOo—

MY QUESTIONS:

1. Are you feeling okay right now?

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever first-hand witnessed/experienced in real life?

3. Who is/are the most important person/people in your life and why?

4. What is a memory that wouldn’t fail to make you smile like an idiot while you’re in public?

5. How did you come to your current obsession?

6. Why do you ship your OTP (either real-life or fiction)?

7. Let’s pretend speed and distance (lol basically velocity), and quality are the same, would you rather be in a plane or a ship in a storm where there are many lightnings and thunder involved in December?

8. What is the object that is most sentimental to you?

9. If you could be in any fictional world, which one would you explore, and will you or will you not interact with your favourite character? Why or why not?

10. What animal do you most relate to or you consider to be your spirit animal? Why or why not?

11. How do you define the word, “Happiness”?

Tags: @thank-you-for-being-with-me​ @sentimentalgenius​ @addignisherlock​ @randombiochemist​ @simpleanddestructivechemistry​ @its-sentimental-adlock​ @themissadventurer​ @sorrowsflower​ @throughtheparadox​ @theleftpill​ No pressure, guys! Also to anyone who wants to answer, too! I even tag those who tagged me.

[sparkesink]

Chapter 9:

Hot & Ready

(Shifting Through Loose Written Thoughts:

A Story Started,

Never Finished,

So Many Years Ago.)

 No.

….No.

Fuck.

No.

Fucking Bullshit.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Fucking TJ, 

Goddamn Fucking Literature Nazi.

“Too Fucking Vulgar.”

You Know What Is To Fucking Vulgar?

Worrying About Your Fucking Vulgarity…

That’s What’s Fucking Vulgar.

She’s Been Putting This Chapter Off For So Fucking Long.

(It’s A Bunch Of Bullshit, Rather…)

Laughing On The Fucking Floor For This Fucking Shit.

I Wonder Why I Pulled The Lucky Strings And Got Handed This Shit Story.

(That Fucker Wasn’t Even Fucking Cute,)

I Was Just So Goddamn Desperate For Someone To Love Me,

(I Didn’t Even Give A Shit Who It Was.)

 Doesn’t Help When It’s Your Greatest Desire…

You Know, 

The Whole, “Prince Charming”, Fracture;

(That’s Victoria’s Bit.)

 I Almost Lost Odin For Her…

Woulda Been A Shame;

(The Emerald Eyes Have Such A Significant Part In This Glorious Game.)

I’m Sure He Loves Her,

(He Did Make It Through Me.)

 Very Well Then,

I Suppose I Oughta Quit Stalling.

(The Audience Has Been Stagnant, Long Enough.)

 Now If I Were A Story,

Oh Where,

Oh Where, Would I Be?

Maybe Tucked Behind That Old Writing Tree?

No, No,

(That’s TJ’s Tale…)

Between The Pillows Of The Old Wooden Bed,

Littered With Cheap Tequila,

(Eternally Stained) 

Within A Children’s, Spider-Man Sippy-Cup.

I’ve Waited So Long, And Now All I Can Think…

“How In The Fuck Am I Going To Fucking Get Drunk Tonight?” 

 I Suppose I Should Match Up The Timelines,

(You Know, The Lyrical Bullshit TJ Was Attempting to Write About Me.)

The Stupid Fucking,

“My First Cannabis Experience,”

(Her Goddamn, Favorite Story To Tell.)

She Makes Me Sound Like Such A Fucking Prick.

So Fucking Dull,

Like, My Friendly Neighbor…

Trying To Explain To Young Children The Dangers Of…

REEFER MADNESS!!!!

(Ahem…)

 I Was Uninformed That When You Are That Fucking High,

It Is Not In One’s Best Interest To Attempt To Inform Your Parents;

(You Have Arrived Home Safely.) 

SINCE I Was The Incredible Child I Was, 

I Walked In My Front Door… 

Thought To Myself, 

"Well… I Am A Wee Late…They Are Probably Worried About Me. 

I Shall Persist To Inform Them Of My Arrival…

Build Brownie Points.” 

 Realizing The Faults Within My Logic, 

Decided,

(Within Sufficient Time,)

Against Informing, 

(The Origin Of My Existence,) 

Of My Arrival: 

Stumbling,

Raiding My Kitchen, 

45 minutes Time. 

Eating,

Until I Ceased To Move, 

Passing Out, 

Waking Up The Next Morning, 

Mom Making Breakfast,

Feeling More Accomplished Than A Horny 20 Year Old Getting Laid,

(Without The Help Of Alcohol, At A Party.)

 This Is What Should Have Happened…

This Is What Actually Happened: 

 Walking Through The Door, 

Hyperventilating,

(Laughing My Ass Off…) 

Over Literally, 

Nothing.

 I Think To Myself, 

"Well, I Am But A Wee Late…

(They Are, Probably, Worried About Me;) 

I Shall Tell Them Of My Arrival With Haste! 

(Solely To Build Brownie Points.") 

 Galloping Amongst The Formal Living-room…

Such A Radiant Gazelle I Should Be, 

Proceeding With:

An Astounding Performance Of James Bond… 

Spinning,

Rolling,

Downward The Parental Stairs…

Tumbling,

(Within Their Bedroom.)

 Now,

You Must Understand,

The Mother Had Gone Bat-shit, 

(Decided A Fourth Baby Was Great.)

Ten Months Prior: 

The ‘Rentals Cruised During Hurricane Wilma,

(Smack-dab In The Center Of Their Trip.) 

Sitting Within A Hotel Basement, 

Three Days,

Tenth Story Room,

Thrown Across The City…

(Impossibly Of Thinking Logically.) 

 "Let's Have A Baby," 

(At This Point,)

Sounded Such: 

"WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!" 

Nine Months Past, 

Very Much Alive…

(And So, A Baby Sister.)

 Creeping Through Their Room,

(Clinging To These Exponential Chuckles,)

Slipping Beneath My Lips,

Playing The Roll Of Such Secret Spy,

(As Explained Before;)

Parentals’…Not Amused… 

(Not In The Slightest…) 

Been The Only Half Hour Of Sleep, 

Within The Past Month…

My Brilliant Ideas….   

(Surely: Not The Brightest.)

 Turning The Light,

Walking Aside A Side Of Their Berth, 

"HELLO,

(Emphasis On The Oh…)

JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW…. 

I'M HOME.”

(Again, More Emphasis On The Oh,

Oh,

Oh,)

 Mom Rolled Over,

(Stealing A Glance;

In Distinction To My Father.)

A Second To Look Within Each-other, (Gaining Reassurance Directed Towards My Intoxication.)

 A Very Long Pause, 

(To Me, A Fucking Century,)

My Father, 

(Finally,)

Clearing His Throat, 

(As To Prepare Speech,) 

"I Was Gonna Go To Class, 

Until I Got High, 

Until I Got High, 

Until I Got High,

(Major Emphasis On The Eye:) 

BAH DA DA DA DA DA.” 

-Shout Out To Afroman, 

(You Dah Bomb-diggity)-

 The Events Followed Are Rather,

(Fuzzy,)

Responsible To Ten Years,

Copious Alcohol, 

“Drug” Consumption, 

Assisted In Aging,

Stress,

Anxiety,

(What Have You.)

 Speaking Though, 

I Recall A Very Long,

“Heart-to-heart,”

Between My Father And I…

(Mostly About My Future Employment, 7/11, My Whole Life. 

Sat Me Down To Watch The Movie,

'The Secret'. 

A Whole Mess Of Universe,

“Stoner-talk”;

Mostly, I Could Not Follow.

(The Cat Licking Itself Is Far To Distracting.) 

Long Story Short, 

As I Awoke, 

I Was Not Greeted…

Hot Breakfast,

Lovingly Prepared For My Wake. 

 Instead:

A Bedroom Door Removed, 

A Computer Missing From Upon My Desk, 

A Phone With Service Cut, 

A Six-month Prison Sentence Within My Bedroom. 

(Lot Of Good That Ever Did, LoL.)

 Oddly,

My Demeanor Changed Drastically Through Maturity. 

The Kind Of “Girl,” I Am Currently? 

Untamed.

Know Anything About Astrology? 

I Am A Cancerian With Boisterous Leo Traits. 

Possessing Terrible Cancerian Qualities,

Wrapped Within Leo Magic… 

(Though,

Thinking About It,

That “Magic” Was Only A Face.)

 Leo: Such Craze To Live Within Spotlight. 

Pigheaded,

Adventurous,

Spontaneous…Etc.

 My “True” Astrological Sign:

Cancer,

Cancerian…

(Trust Me, I Know.) 

The Only Cancerian Traits I Posses Currently:

Easily Hurt, 

Come Off EXTREMELY Strong When I Have Chemistry With Someone, 

Need Constant Attention, 

(Of Course, Affection.) 

We Are Hopeless, Romantics…

Bound Endless To Our Soul Partner, 

(Loving Unconditionally.) 

 Adolescence:

Recluse,

Complete Homebody, 

(To The Core;) 

Shy And Quite Cannot Begin To Describe My Demeanor. 

I Felt More Comfortable Flirting Through A Screened Filter. 

Not Only Permanently Home Bound, 

Shy…Intimidated Rather,

I Don’t Human Well. 

 MySpace was my dating sanctuary. 

I Was Fucking JadeJuggernaut,  

(From MySpace,) 

As Far As Everyone Else Was Concerned: 

I Was The Shit. 

 As An Adolescent,

I Became Accustom To The World Of Superficiality, 

(Rather Quickly.) 

I Many Prospects Held Attention For Me Through Social Flirting, 

Only To Flee Once Meeting Me.

Honestly, I Was Never A Terrible Looking Girl. 

I Put On Weight Easily,

(Thank You, Hypothyroidism). 

 In Grade Nine, 

My Average Weight:

Somewhere Around 165 lbs. 

(I Had Trouble Playing 'The League' I Attempted To Fish From.)

(Always The Orchid, 

Basking Within That Dimmed Moonlight.) 

Now, I Was Just A Young Girl, 

This Was The First Time I Had Realized…

Everyone Was Staring At Me. 

They Were Not Awing, 

Nor Talking Highly Of Me; 

More Like Gawking, 

Making Fun. 

 You Start To Realize How Ugly You Are,

(As Claimed By Society.) 

Those Underwear Models,

The “Beautiful” Women,

The One’s You Idolize,

(From This Day,)

Branded Upon Every Fragment Within Your Skull. 

 That Image, 

(Their Image,) 

Becomes The Only, 

(Acceptable,)

Image For Yourself; 

You Isolate Your Life, 

Revolving Solely Towards Ultimate Perfection. 

 Sometimes,

The Most Beautiful Things In Life Are Found Within The Most Curious Places; 

This Is Not One Of Those Things. 

Your Obsession Controls Your Every Move. 

This Is Not Something Beautiful,

(Found In A Remote Location;) 

This Is Hideous…

It Will Control Your Entire Life For Over Ten Years.

 At Fourteen-Years Young,

I Had Been Stood Up More Often Than I Can Remember:

That Is…Until I Met Peter. 

We Started Talking, Casually. 

(To Be Honest, He Was Never Really My Type.)

 He Was More…

A Boy I Talked To Once-In-A-While,

(When He Was Online, 

And I Was Bored…

Regardless,)

I Ended Up Giving Him My Number. 

 The First Time I Spoke To Peter,

I Was In The Shower, 

(Naturally, Ended Up Leading To Inappropriate, Sexual, Innuendos.)

We Were Polar Opposites, 

Floating Along, 

(In The Same Situational Boat Of Life.) 

Both Having Had One 'Relationship,' 

(Before We Met.) 

 JR,

(My Internet Boyfriend Of A Year,)

'JR' From New York, 

Was,

(In All Reality,) 

A Girl From My School,

(Or, At least, I Believe So.)

 Peter’s Online Relationship: 

Some Girl From His School, 

(Blew Him Off Every Chance She Got.) 

Due To This,

The First Time We Made Plans To Meet,

He Was On The Edge,

(Thinking I Would Blow Him Off,

Such As This “Past” Girl.

 I Was Fourty-Five Minutes Late. 

Remember The Six-Month Prison Sentence? 

This Event Just So Happened To Be Right In The Middle…

Imagine,

(The Fight Being Had, 

Attempting To Convince My Parents To Take Me,

(To Meet This Boy.)

Talking A Hormonal,

(Recently Pregnant, Mother…

With A Crying Newborn Into Escorting You Anywhere,

(Especially Given The Fact:

Your Dumb Ass Came Home More High Than Snoop Dog On April 20th.)

 We Walk Into The Theatre, 

Yes,

I Said We… 

Would You Like To Know Why I Say We? 

(Of Fucking Course You Do…)

You Wouldn't Be Reading This Bullshit:

(Now Would You?) 

I Say, “WE,” Due To: 

The First Time Peter Saw Me, 

(In Person,)

You Want To Know What Came With Me?

My Best Friend At The Time, 

Both My Younger Siblings, 

Topped With A Mother On A Rampage. 

 (Damn Kid, 

Should Have Known At This Moment…) 

Best Course Of Action: 

Run Far,

Far,

Away.

 This Is What Should Have Happened. 

Instead,

He Comes Over To My Side, 

Proceeds Attempt To Introduce Himself:

My Mother,

Pulling Cash From The ATM. 

 They Say First Impressions Are Key To Meeting Anyone New…

The First Impression Of My Mom? 

"SO YOUR THE REASON I GOT PULLED OUT OF BED AND HAD TO PUT A SCREAMING BABY IN THE CAR. JUST LOVELY!" 

 Followed By, 

(Extremely Aggressive,)

Transfer Of Money From Her Possession,

(To Mine.)

Storming Out, 

Would Put A Sorority, Bitch,

(On Her Period,) 

To Shame. 

 In Case You Failed to,

“Pick Up On It,”

She Stormed Out… 

Alone.

That’s right, 

Our First Date Included: 

Both My Younger Siblings,

(As Well As My Tag-A-Long, Friend.) 

 Remember…

That Thing I Said… 

About Needing To Appear Badass,

(In Order To Compensate For My Awkwardness?) 

 This Awkward Moment,

Followed By Us Sitting,

(More Awkwardly Than Before,)

In A Movie,

Next To Each Other, 

(Dealing With My Ten-Year-Old Brother,

 Eight-Year-Old Sister,) 

Running Around Us, 

(Obnoxiously.)

 (This Boy Was Never Talking To Me Again.)

 To My Surprise, 

The Following Weeks Consisted Of: 

Texting, 

Calling Each Night, 

Spending Time Together,

(Whenever The Opportunity Arose.) 

Looking Back On It, 

This Relationship Was Destined For An Apocalyptic End, 

(Before It Even Began.) 

 I Had Introduced Him To My Only Other Girlfriend, 

(Besides That One Who Joined Our First Date,) 

I Accused Him Of Thinking She Was More Attractive Than I,

“She Was Nice,” 

That’s All It Took. 

What Type Of Insane, 

(Insecure,) 

Bitch Does That? 

 Remember, 

(The Introduction,) 

A Mention Of Lessons,

It Is Only Through Experience,

One May Obtain The Knowledge Of A More Great,

(Stable,) 

Way Of Being. 

 He Was Understanding,

Thirty Minutes, 

(Post Jealous Rampage,) 

I Officially Was Diving,

(Head First,)

Into An Attempt At Love.

…And So It Began.

  This Attempt At Love,

(Peter, And Myself,)

The Classic “First Girlfriend, First Boyfriend,” 

Each Other’s First Kiss,

(Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit,) 

I Suppose, 

I Couldn’t Discover My Full, 

(Awesome,) 

Potential, 

(Until After-The-Fact.) 

 Though, 

I Was Young,

(Naïve,) 

I Found Myself Head-Over-Heals, 

(In Love,) 

With This, Boy. 

I Had Wished To Give Him Everything Of Mine:

 (Considering My True ‘First’ Kiss, 

Stolen,

Sometime Before I Had Met Him.) 

 I Was Thirteen, 

I Was To Stay-The-Night With A Long Time,

Family Friend,

(Kim.) 

A Weekly Ritual, Rather. 

 This Night, 

(Unlike The Rest,) 

Deciding To Steal Her Parent’s Alcohol,

(Be Naughty While They Slept.) 

Kim Had An Older Cousin Staying With Them, 

Age Twenty-Three.

He Came Out, 

Mid-Night;

Jumped In The Hot Tub With Us. 

 This Was The First,

(Only,)

Time I Would Have Ever Encountered This Man; 

I Could Not Tell You His Name, 

I Was A Child, 

He Was A Grown Man. 

 I Remember Lying,

(In Their Guest Bedroom,) 

Him,

Draped Upon Me;

Kim Laughing, 

(Telling Jokes From The Edge Of The Bed.) 

He Removed My Shirt,

Continued To Kiss My Neck,

(And Back,) 

Repeatedly,

(As I Lie There…

Listening To Kim Ramble On,

(Regarding Some Peer In Her Middle School Class.)

 My Bra Straps 

(The Next To Be Unfastened,) 

Followed:

A Continuous Battle,

(This Strange Man With Myself,) 

Fastening, 

Unfastening. 

 I Became Frustrated, 

I Told Him To Stop Undressing Me… 

Leading Kim To Begin Jumping Up, 

Screaming, 

“LET’S PLAY TRUTH OR DARE!” 

 Some Of These Dares,

An Innocent Game,

(Thirteen-year-old Innocence:)

Eating Dog Food, 

Dancing, Ridiculously, 

Our Favorite Song,

In Our Underwear, 

(That Sort Of Nonsense.) 

 The Final Memory Of This Evening,

A Dare:

She Had Assigned To Her Cousin, 

“I Dare You To Make Out With Jade.” 

He Threw Himself Atop Me,

Began To Demandingly Kiss, 

(Forcefully, Fondle,)

Roughly Thirty Seconds…

I Nervously Giggled,

Pushed Him Away From Me. 

 “I Dare Jade To Give Me A Blow Job,” 

I Ran To The Bathroom, 

Vomited Profusely, 

Woke Up The Following Morning In Kim’s Bed.

 This Story Has Never Found It’s Way From My Mouth,

(Until This Very Day,) 

It Made It Rather Difficult To Look Peter In The Eye,

Pronouncing Him, 

“My First And Only,” 

For Over Four Years. 

 I Remember Attending My Summer Theatre Camp Session,

(The Morning Following That Night.)

I Remember My Instructor Telling Us That He Was Twenty-Three Years Old,

(Class Introductions.)

I Remember The Guilt I Felt,

How I Wanted To Crawl Out Of My Skin,

With Every Thought Of My Instructor,

Trying To Touch Me.

Attempting To Process The Age Difference,

With An Association To This New Class Instructor…

 I Let Him Violate Me,

This Cousin Of My Friend:

I Chose To Drink,

Underage,

That Night.

I Giggled, 

As If It Was Okay,

(While My Mind Desired Violence.)

I Tried To Tell Him To Stop,

I Failed To Relate The Message.

 I Should Have Left.

I Should Have Called My Parents.

I Should Have Walked Away From The Situation.

Started A Fucking Riot, 

Raged And Swung!

I Didn’t. 

I Let It Happen.

I Allowed Myself To Be The Victim.

 I Spent Years Attempting To Figure,

Why Sex Felt So Wrong, 

(Throughout My Young Adulthood.)

Through Consenting Occasions,

My Mind Would Snap…

My Skin Would Begin To Crawl…

My Light Began To Dim,

A Little Girl, 

Began To Sob.

 I Was Peter’s First Kiss, 

Obvious Upon, 

(Eventually,)

Locking Lips With This Lanky, 

Tall, 

Large Lipped, Boy. 

 At The Beginning,

It Was Bound,

Someone’s Something,

(Would Be In Or On,)

Something, 

Of The Other’s Body. 

 The First Time, 

(I Actually Had ‘Sex’,)

Was Not When I Lost My Virginity. 

 Peter, 

For Some Reason Or Other, 

Refused To Lose His Virginity To Me. 

No Matter How Many Attempts I Would Make,

He Would Respond, 

Same Answer, 

“I Want It To Be Special.” 

 God Knows Why,

I Chose The One Boy, 

(Who Didn’t Want To Fuck Anything And Everything,

Just To Say He Had Sex,) 

He Just Would Not Let Me Take His V-card From Him. 

 He Didn’t Seem To Have A Problem Laying Me On The Floor,

Your Hand On My Back,

Holding Me Down,

Sodomizing Me As I Cried; 

Manipulating Words,

(Constantly Spewing Out Of Your Mouth) 

Babbling On As My Pants Were Removed. 

 I Told Him I Didn’t Want To Again…

And Again…

I Was Never Aggressive Towards Him, 

(Until Later In The Relationship.) 

He Did As He Pleased To Me, 

(Sexually,) 

Whether I Wanted To, 

Or Not. 

 I Walked Back Into My House,

That First Day You Held Me Down,

I Felt That Same Sick Guilt As Before: 

Disgusting, 

Used, 

As If My Innocence Had Been Taken From Me. 

 I Believe,

Excusing Your Actions,

(As I Had Convinced Myself,)

You Had Ownership Of My Body,

(Payment For An Attempt At Love,)

As If My Wishes Didn’t Matter,

It Was Just “Okay”.

 We Were Dating. 

I Didn’t Realize How Fucked Up That State Of Mind Is,

(Until Just Recently,) 

Actually,

(Tell You The Truth,) 

I Am Ashamed,

Believing It To Be “Right,” 

(In The First Place.)

 I, Suppose This Was Not A One-Way Road,

In Fact, 

Our Virginities Sacrificed Through Twisted Trickery,

(Of My Own.) 

Soft Ambiance, 

Reno911 Playing As Background, 

I Informed Him His Sodomy, 

Was In Fact Intercourse: 

Romance At It’s Finest.

 I Want To Remember The Reasons I Loved You,

I Just Can’t Think Of Any.

I Want To Say I Wasn’t Hurt,

(When You Had Me Pick Out Her Birthday Card.)

I Can’t Remember,

If I Loved You,

Or The Idea Of Falling In Love,

(Instead.)

I Am Not A Stupid, 

(Naïve,) 

Girl:

There Would Have Had To Have Been Reason,

(I Fell Madly In Love With You.)

 I Will Never Regret The Lessons,

And The Growth You Gave Me, 

Through The “Young Love”,

We May Have Had,

(With One-An-Other.) 

 The Human Mind Seems To Grasp,

The Darkest Of Memories, 

More So Than Of Those That Light The Way; 

Harder To Recover The Heartfelt Days,

The Ones Covered In Orange And Yellow Leaves,

(Those Falls’ We Shared Throughout The Years.) 

 I Believe Our Biggest Conflict,

Was That Of A Superficial Kind;

A Very Conservative White Collar,

Trying To Tame A Tie-dye Dress.

 While Shopping In Wal-Mart,

One Fine Afternoon,

My Crazy Spontaneity Leaped,

Grabbing Peter By The Chest. 

We Started A Waltz,

In The Middle Of Checkout Number Five. 

This Did Not Last,

He Was Not Amused,

My Lack Of Suitable Public Action,

“For The Love Of God,

Please Keep Her Subdued.”

 Personality Battles,

The Leading Cause, 

(To Our Official Brake Up.) 

I Ended Our Relationship, 

January 1, 2011, 

(Continued To Share My Bed.) 

 It Was Not Until Valentine’s Day, 

A Month And A Half Past, 

I Officially Kicked Him Out Of My Bedroom,

A Four Year Waste. 

Though We No Longer Shared A Bed, 

We Still Lived Under The Same Roof,

(Took The Same Classes.) 

Environmental Science Lab,

We Were Required To Attend A Field Trip, 

(One Of The Dams, 

About Forty-Five Minutes From Campus.) 

 This Was A Class Activity,

We Rode The Bus All The Way Out There,

Walked Around With Our Thumbs Up Our Own Asses.

The Tour Guide Babbled On For Hours,

The Same Boring Dam Shit,

(We All Learned In Kindergarten.) 

 I Have The Attention Span Of A Five-Year-Old, 

Guess Where Jade Was While Everyone Else Was Pretending To Give A Shit? 

Walking Down The Car Rails, 

(Participating In Her Own Balancing Act,) 

Singing,

(At The Top Of Her Lungs.) 

 Again, 

Peter Was Not Thrilled,

(My Adolescent Actions.) 

Proclaimed,

“I Was Embarrassing Him, 

Knock It Off!” 

 Peter Had A Curfew,

 (Adolescent In The World Of Him,

And I,

Before The Studies,

(And The Parties,)

Before The Cheat,

(And Lies.)

Ten P.M. 

Until Eight-een, 

(It Finally Moved To Midnight,) 

 My Free-Spirited Family, 

Curfews Were Something Of Non-Fiction:

A Folk-lore To Scare High School Girls. 

(Their Daddies Found Them,

In The Back Seat Of His 98’ KIA Spectra.) 

 Thirty To Forty-five Minutes Past, 

A Tapping At My Window. 

Tap,

Tap,

Tapping On My Second Story Window, 

A Normal Person,

Ignored it. 

 “Look Outside,” 

The Text That Arrived On My Phone,

Three Minutes Past. 

There Was Peter, 

Blanket Laid Upon My Lawn. 

 We Lay Upon The Starlit Cover,

Speaking Of Life,

The Future,

The Dream… 

(He Had It All Figured Out.) 

 The Universe Had Finally All Come Together,

(In Our Heads,) 

Every Dream, 

(Aspiration,) 

Could All Come True. 

 We Were In Love Under The Stars,  (That Night.)

My Seventeenth Year,

I Was Going To Walk Down The Isle To You,

(Live Happily-Ever-After.) 

(Not What Happened, 

As You Can Sea,

(The Fun Has Just Begun.) 

Peter Was A Grade Older Than Me,

In High School, 

Towards His Senior Year… 

A Conclusion: 

You See, 

He Decided,

Join Football,

The Summer Before,

Peter Started Bulking Up,

(Using Steroids,)

What A Bore. 

 I Was The “Pudgy Adolescent”,

A Grade Behind,

Working Towards Early Graduation. 

One Conclusion,

Determined In My Life: 

I Need To “Get Hot,” 

(So I Could Keep Him Around,) 

Come August Of 2009, 

Forty lbs. Lighter,

Moving Into A Dorm,

(I Wasn’t Prepared For.)

University of Idaho,

(Go Vandals…)

I Rolled A Fucking Spare.

 You Must Understand,

A Couple Of Things, 

(About Me,) 

In The Form Of My Greatest Pet Peeve. 

 When You Walk Into A Room, 

And Realize, 

You’re Running Through Everyone’s Mind.

Either A: 

Being Looked At As “The Stupid, Slut,” 

(By Those Who Drip Immense Envy,

 From Every Orifice Of Their Body…

Or B: You’ve Become A Piece Of Meat,

(Placed Within The Center Of Vultures.) 

 They Can’t Explain, 

(Why You Are Wonderful,) 

They Tend To Degrade You, 

To Fit You Within Their Perfect,

Cookie Cutter, 

(Model,) 

Of A Human Being. 

 Those Who Desire Simplicity, 

(Those Fabulously Plain,) 

Those Who Never Stand Out, 

(Who Can Never Be ‘More’,) 

Those Who Search For Outlets, 

Religion, 

God, 

Abstinence, 

‘Purity’, 

Do So To Give Justification, 

(For Mediocrity.) 

 If You Have Wronged Those Around You, 

(If You Have Inflicted Pain,)

Do Not Worry One Bit, 

(You’re A Good Person,

You’re No One To Blame.)

You Have Chosen To Be ‘Ratified’,

(By Said Outlet.) 

 You May See Me On The Party Circuit, 

I’m The Pretty Little Blonde,

(Sitting In The Window.) 

I’ll Act All Cutesy,

To Attract The Hottest,

(Dumb,) 

Assholes Of The Lot,

Allowing Me To Use Them, 

(Don’t Worry, You’ll Figure Out The Plot.)

 I’m The Ditsy, 

Stupid, 

Pretty,

Little, 

Blonde…

(Everyone Likes To Assume I Am.)

 I Got My High School Diploma, 

(Ripe Ole’ Age Of Sixteen,) 

I’ve Been Drunk At U Of I,

Fucking Wasted…

Creating Havoc, 

(Every Night.) 

Three Years How? 

And Yet NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES ME,

WHEN I SAY IM A GODDAMN HONORS STUDENT NOW. 

 Dean’s Listed For Two, 

(Three Honor’s Societies,) 

Rarely Go To Class, 

And Yet… 

I’m Kicking College’s Ass.

  Who Fucking Does That?

Sitting In My Honors Classes,

Hung Over As Balls, 

(Barely Awake,) 

Everyone Fucking Looks At Me…

“She Must Be In The Wrong Place.” 

 No Bitch, 

I Don’t Look Like The Female Version Of Elmer Fudd…

(Get Shit Housed Every Night,) 

I Did Not Arrive Here VIA Fluke. 

IMMA GODDAMN GENIUS BIOTCH,

(GET OFF MY BACK.) 

 Now I’ve Ranted, 

(And Raged,) 

On Everyone’s Ignorant Idiocy,

I’ll Get Back To The Important Issues At Matter.

 Peter Was A Pathological Liar. 

One Time: 

He Lied About Taking Down His Christmas Lights, 

(With His Dad,) 

He “Wanted To Play Video Games”, 

Instead Of Hangout With Me, 

He “Didn’t Have The ‘Heart’ To Tell Me The Truth”…

Would You Rather LARP? 

Or Masturbate On A Cracker? 

Staring At Your Warlock Mange, 

Instead Of Fucking Your Girlfriend? 

 I Would Have Preferred The Later,

(Give Me A Little Credit Here.) 

What Kind Of Psychotic Bitch Do You Think I Am? 

 I May Not Be Something, 

Of ‘The Step-ford Wives,” 

I Sure As Hell Am Not Going,

(Hannibal Lector,) 

Eating Flesh Off Knives.

 Peter Would Try To Go Behind My Back, 

(With Other Girls,) 

You Bet Your Ass, 

I Had Eyes Where Ever He Was At. 

 When You Know An Abundance Of People, 

You Can Sit On Your Bed, 

Getting Reports, 

(From People He Had Never Met Before.) 

 This, 

(My Friends,) 

The Reason I Died Single; 

Not Even Batman Could Two-time My Ass, 

(Without Me Knowing It.) 

 Long Story Short, 

Peter Made Me Crazy. 

Slap A Pretty,

White, 

Vest On Me: 

Lock It Up, 

(In A Padded, 

White, 

Room…)

PSYCHOTIC BITCH. 

 Looking Back On It Now, 

I Completely Understand, 

(Why He Did, 

What He Did.) 

Whatever Fucked Up Justification You Can Get Out Of That,

(Sort Of Understand…) 

Why You Would Fuck The Mammoth, 

Sloth? 

Love Child? 

(From The Fourth Floor, 

That Night After Halloween.) 

 They Say, 

“Karma Is A Bitch.” 

We Partied On Halloween,

That Year…

I Walked Upstairs, 

(Finding A Bathroom,) 

Literally Pushing People Out Of My Way,

(Just To Move.) 

Place Was Packed, 

Kegs Were Afloat. 

 I Could Not Explain, 

(The Details Of The Whole Ordeal,) 

I Remember Walking Into The Bathroom,

Being Welcomed By A Half-Naked Vampire, 

Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor. 

 I Have Been Taken Advantage Of, 

(More Often Than I Like To Admit.)

 I Once Cried, 

(In My Pillow,) 

While My Boyfriend Just,

“Went At It.” 

Telling Him Constantly, 

“I Wasn’t In The Mood…”

(Didn’t Even Notice My Tears,

When He Wiped My Side Of His Cum…

(Or The Entire Way Through.) 

Woken Up,

(Asking Same Boyfriend,)

“Why Am I So Messy?” 

The Response: 

“I Just Had Sex With You.” 

(Weren’t You Such A Peach?) 

 I Had Just Gotten Use To It. 

(I Suppose It Was One Of Those Things,) 

I Thought, 

“He Is My Boyfriend, 

I Guess It Is No Big Deal.” 

 So Help Me God, 

I Was Not Going To Let This Passed Out Girl, 

Be Hurt,

(In Any Way.) 

I Stayed By Her Side,

(Until Her Friends Were Found,) 

Luckily, 

She Was A Friend Of The Current Tenant, 

(Got Her In A Room So She Was Safe.) 

 I Remember Thinking; 

“Karma Has My Back For A While!” 

 To Beg Him To Stay The Night With You, 

(Just This Once,) 

To Hear Him Refuse,

No Matter How Hard You Mourn,

You Feel Inadequate. 

 Two Days Past, 

Peter,

Sitting In My Dorm Room,

(On My Computer,) 

I Walked Through The Hallway,

From Girl’s Public Shower,

Into My Bedroom.

Being A Mindless Drones In Today’s Society;

The First Order Of Business Post Shower, 

(Check The Mobile Device.)

 Those Fortunate Enough,

(To Never Experience Heartbreak,) 

You Have My Greatest Envy, 

(You Have My Greatest Pity.) 

 Envy: 

Obvious Reasons Of Pain, 

Sorrow So Great, 

(You Tend To Lose Yourself.) 

I Can No Longer Say, 

“I Have Never Lost Someone Close To Me,” 

(Someone I Loved Greatly.) 

 The Day My Heart Shattered, 

I Died, 

I Took A Hand Full Of Pills,

To The Bottom Of The Ocean.

(Experienced All Her Stages Of Grief.) 

 I Could Not Breathe, 

I Could Not Eat, 

I Could Not Sleep. 

 I Watched My Entire World,

Rot, 

Turn To Ash, 

(In Front Of My Feet.) 

 Most People Would Assume Figuratively,

(I Literally Felt My Soul, 

Disintegrate.) 

 You Have My Pity: 

You Will Never See The World,

(As I Do Now.) 

Though Dark And Corrupt, 

The Innocence Naively, 

(Brainwashed,) 

From The Day We Are Born: 

Is Not,

(Will Never Be,) 

Real. 

 Those Who Are Never Hurt, 

Will Believe This To Be, 

“This Is A Fallacy.” 

 Listen, 

I Do Not, 

Cannot, 

Verbally Say, 

Any Of This;

(Due To A Lack Of Trust.) 

Trust For Anyone, 

(To Care.) 

Anyone, 

(With My Heart,) 

An Unfathomable Concept. 

 It Must Be Written, 

(Someone Has To Know:) 

My Story, 

(And Understand.) 

I Was Raped, 

(My Innocence Stolen From Me,) 

I Was Forced To See, 

All Twenty-five, 

Different, 

Angles… 

(Of A Girl Not Much Different,

You See?)

The “Love Of My Life’s Computer, 

(Three Separate Times,) 

 The One To Think I Was Beautiful Before,

(I Lost Weight,) 

Looked Me In The Eye,

(To Say How Ugly,

Stupid,

He Saw Me.) 

I Finally Accepted My Heartbreak; 

Fell Madly “In Love”,

(With My Best Friend,) 

We’ll Call Him, 

Paul.

 When You Are A Child, 

You Learn Discipline. 

You Find,

“What Is Good?”, 

And “What Is Evil?”; 

(In Fear,)

Your Father Chasing You Through The House, 

A spanking, 

(From, 

“The Belt,” 

Awaiting, 

(For Disobeying.) 

 You Become Adolescent. 

You Fall In Love. 

 This Love Promises You His Future, 

His Heart, 

His Hand, 

His Life. 

 This First Love Goes To College With You. 

(You Are Excited For Independence:

Life As A Collegiate,

An Adult,

(With This Boy.) 

 This Is Where The Evil You Never Actually Grasped,

(As A Child,) 

Starts To Show It’s Face. 

 He Starts To Leave Your Room, 

Earlier, 

And Earlier, 

Every Night That Pass. 

 He Will Refuse To Stay The Night With You,

(During The Week Days,) 

He Will Not Come To Your Room,

(Till’ Late On Weekends.) 

 His Phone Will Always Be,

‘Dead’:

(He Will Lose His Fucking Mind,

When You Search Through It. )

 You Will Lie In His Bed,

(After Forgiving Him;) 

You Will Stare At The Ceiling,

(Unable To Fall Asleep.) 

 Something Comes Over You, 

(You Cannot Remember Having Control, 

Over Your Own Body.)

You Remember The Events, 

(Clear As Day.) 

 Sitting Straight Up, 

You Will Grab A Notebook, 

(Lying On The Floor;) 

Your Hand Is Moving,

(In The Dark,)

But You Won’t Remember,

(What It Was, 

You Couldn’t say.) 

 He Will Wake Up, 

Ask,

“Are You Okay?”

You Respond By Throwing, 

(The Notebook Across The Room,) 

Lay Back Down. 

 He Will Walk Over Toward The Object,

(In Flight,) 

Turns On The Light, 

(Reads,) 

Tears The Paper Out, 

Throws It Away, 

(Your Delirious, 

Masterpiece.) 

 You Hear Nothing, 

(Hysterical Laughing,) 

You Must Realize: 

You Are Making This Terrible Noise; 

You Will Snap Out,

(Of This Possession,) 

Referring To Yourself,

(In Third Person.) 

 He Will Go To Bed; 

You Will Draw,

Music In Your Ears,

“Just Make The Thoughts Go Away!” 

 You Finally Pass Out,

(When The Sun Comes Up.) 

You Never Actually Find Out, 

(What Your Body Decided To Scribble.) 

He Will Tell You, 

“You Have Some Serious Demons, 

Need Not To Hate Yourself,” 

(So Much,) 

“None Of This Is Your Fault Baby, 

Stop Hating Yourself For Stupid Mistakes, 

(I Made)”.

 You Ever Realize, 

How Much You Really Do Hate Yourself? 

People Try To Play Off The ‘Cool’ Persona, 

(They Have ‘Never’ Looked In The Mirror, 

Been Disgusted With Whom They Had Become.) 

Physical Disgust,

(Eleven Years Self Harm, 

To The Inside Of Myself,) 

Or Flat Out Disgust, 

(Of Someone,

You Had Become.) 

 I Am No Longer,

(Solely,) 

Disgusted With Myself Physically,

(For The Heart Break Has Made Me Vengeful.) 

 I Have Done Things, 

(No One Would Want To Admit.)

This Is Not The Same Girl, 

(I Was A Year And A Half Ago.)

 That Girl Would Have Never Crossed,

(The Lines I Have Allowed Myself To Play Jump-Rope With; 

I Broke His Heart,

One Week, 

We Were Separated.

I Fell In Love:

He Taunts Me, 

(Every Time I See His Face.)