#yes it is in fact almost 1am this is also incredibly normal for me

[cavefairy]

[readyplayerhobi]

Flower | 25

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff

; Word Count: 4.2k

; Warnings: Drunken behaviour

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: This is a fun chapter and I hope you all enjoy it too :D please let me know what you thought in the comments and reblog it so others can read it too!

; Flower Masterpost

-

“Aren’t you bothered that he’s over there and not with you?” Jungkook asks, pointing over to the bar where Hoseok is currently standing and having what appears to be a very serious conversation with Namjoon, Eden and Jimin. Though given how tipsy he had been half an hour ago, you weren’t sure whether it was ‘meaning of life’ serious or ‘were all the children on Barney on drugs’ serious. 

Smiling, you shake your head and take a sip of your Coke that you’ve been nursing for an hour now. “I’m his girlfriend, not his keeper. Besides, it’s his birthday. He can spend it wherever and with whoever he wants.” 

“Very nice of you.” The younger man mumbles and you note the way he keeps shyly looking over at Soyeon, currently sitting opposite you in the booth you’d all situated yourselves in upon arriving. There were too many of you all now with Hoseok’s friends combined with you, Chungha and Soyeon, so they were also sprawled onto a table next to you.

“I’m just saying, but you’d both make a great couple.” The words whisper light against Jungkook’s ear and he shivers slightly as your breath tickles the small hairs of his neck. But he doesn’t say anything in response, instead just setting his jaw before looking back at his bottle of beer.

You’re not sure why you suddenly got bold enough to tell him that, but you were always braver when it came to helping your friends. On your own, you hated talking on the phone but if they needed you to talk on the phone for them then god dammit you’d do it.

Still though, you decide not to push it any further. You’ve said your peace and indicated to him that not only do you think they’d work well together, but also that you would most definitely approve if they decided to actually try out a relationship. The thought of it was quite exciting and you wondered if this was how Chungha and Soyeon had felt when you’d started dating Hoseok.

Leaning back, you casually listened in to the conversation that Chungha, her girlfriend Dahyun, Soyeon, Yoongi and Amelia were all having while Jungkook occasionally added his input. He was a naturally quieter guy, like you, which meant you both ended up simply observing for a lot of the time. Though you were even quieter than him as you weren’t drinking unlike everyone else.

From the glazed look in Chungha’s eyes, she was well on her way to being inebriated and you wondered whether it was the glass of white wine in her hand that was doing it or the two double Southern Comfort and lemonade’s that she’d practically inhaled earlier. Dahyun didn’t look much better and you chuckled as she struggled to get out a word, tripping over her own tongue as she slurred.

Amelia was also sober, due to her normal baby duties outside of this event, and you were pleased that she’d finally been able to come out for something. She’d told you earlier that the baby was being looked after by her sister for the evening, meaning this was the first time that Namjoon and her had been able to socialise like this with their friends in months.

You were pleased that she’d come for Hoseok’s birthday and as you looked over all his friends that were dotted around the room in his favourite bar, you felt a warm happiness swell in your chest at the knowledge they’d all come out for him. You couldn’t imagine being this cosy with this many people like he was but you’d long ago recognised that you were both different people with different needs.

So while you’d inevitably grow bored and tired of being around so many people in...okay well you were already there really, you knew that Hoseok would happily keep going until the early hours of the morning. And he’d made his intentions of getting absolutely fucked earlier in the day to you after he’d opened his presents.

Your vinyl player had gone down very well thankfully and he’d been ecstatic about it, desperate to begin playing some of the many records he’d already been gifted from his family and friends. Along with that, he’d begun drinking at noon with a bottle of special ale that he’d been given by Seokjin and had declared that for the first time in almost a year, he was going to get absolutely wrecked tonight.

The idea of that was horrible to you, someone who hated drinking, but you knew he didn’t let loose like this anymore. So you were more than happy to watch him drink himself into blissful happiness, surrounded by his beloved friends before driving him home later when he was probably too drunk to walk straight.

You were just very thankful that he didn’t do this often as you weren’t sure you could handle it.

“You should go to England, it’s great with a lot of history and beautiful landscapes outside of London. Plus, you can travel to Europe really easily as it’s so damn cheap. I mean, they can take a train to Paris! What the fuck?” Yoongi says, his voice a tone higher than it’s normal deep and rumbling level. 

Laughing quietly, you watch as Chungha nods in an overexaggerated manner before pointing at Yoongi to make a point. Only she’s completely off and is instead pointing out towards the bar. Smiling, you gently take her hand and move it to the correct position and snicker when she doesn’t even realise you’ve done it.

“Right?! I mean...I mean a train! To another country! Like...woaaah. It’s crazy. Can you imagine? Do they have planes over there? Or is it all trains and stuff?” Dahyun gasps at Chungha’s slurred questions and you bite your lip in amusement, rolling your eyes at your best friend’s drunken ramblings.

“Chungha, you know they have planes. You flew from Greece to Italy, remember?” There’s a really blank expression on her face for a moment before realisation hits and she ooh’s loudly, excitedly waving her hands in front of her face.

“Oh my god! Yes! I did! Oh, Greece was so pretty. So...so blue. Pretty.” Jungkook is the one to snort this time and you look at him, raising your brows in question but he just shakes his head, a small smile dancing on his lips.

Finally, you decide to get involved with the conversations, leaning forward so that they can hear you better. “I’ve never even been out of the country before. Hoseok’s been to England though, some metal festival or something.”

“Yeah! That’s the trip I went on. We went to Download Festival and travelled around the UK after that. Went to Wales and Scotland too to get the full experience but we couldn’t get to Northern Ireland in time. Sucks, I wanted to see those big stone thingies in the sea. Man, Hoseok got seriously fucked at Download though. Like, he got into a drinking competition with these guys from the UK in the tent next to us and they absolutely destroyed him. He was vomiting everywhere all night.” Your brows rise at that, looking over at your boyfriend where he’s stood at the bar.

Well, he hadn’t told you that. Made himself sound far more cooler than what Yoongi had just told you.

“I thought he could hold his drink?” You ask, though you’re wondering about that as you watch him down another glass of beer. He’d never got so drunk that he’d vomited around you yet, but given his history you wouldn’t put it past him.

"He can, to a degree. But he was mixing all kinds of alcohol that day and it just...was bad. They thought it was hilarious. Hoseok did not enjoy the next day as he still went to the stages and watched the bands. Idiot almost got a migraine."  Despite his words, there’s an incredibly fond look on Yoongi’s face and you note that he’s probably not quite as drunk as you’d initially thought.

Soyeon snorts with laughter and you look at her with a frown before noting the way she nods with her head towards your side with an amused smile. Glancing over, you realise that Jungkook has left and your boyfriend has taken his place. 

There's a glassy look to his eyes that tells you he's a bit drunker than before and you wonder what Jimin had been giving him at the bar. The mischief maker, who you'd been well warned about by both your boyfriend and his friends, had sworn to make sure Hoseok had a great night. Which evidently meant he had to get the birthday boy absolutely shitfaced.

Hoseok feels overwhelmingly warm as he leans a little too heavily against you, his face having gone incredibly red from the alcohol he’d spent the day consuming. But as soon as you look at him, he gives you what you presume is meant to be a charming smile but instead makes it just look like he has wind.

And then he blinks really hard, causing you to tilt your head at him in confusion. He does it again before blowing you a rather sluggish kiss and you realise what he’s doing with a snort, holding your hand against your mouth.

“Baby, you’re not winking at me. You’re just blinking very hard.” The smooth skin of his forehead wrinkles immediately as he obviously thinks about what you’ve just said before he tries again, getting the same result. And then he purposefully holds one eye open with his fingers, causing you to laugh even harder as you take his hand to stop him from potentially hurting himself.

“Oh my god, please stop." Reaching out, you playfully cover his face with your hand and giggle when he simply flops his head into your palm, eyes closing with a ridiculously loud sigh. It was just after 1am and you were a little surprised he seemed to be flagging already.

Then again, you remembered that he'd been drinking in some form since noon now. The fact he could barely hold his head up right now was possibly the least surprising thing you'd heard all night.

“Are you okay?” Leaning closer to him, you make sure that he can hear you over the raucous talk and laughter of the other bar patrons and the music that’s blaring over the speakers. For a few seconds he doesn’t respond and you wonder whether he heard you, but then you see his face wrinkle and realise he was just taking that long to comprehend what you’d say to him.

“I’m not a baby.” He whines, bottom lip jutting out almost comically and you have to steel yourself to stop from laughing at him. Because he was certainly acting like one right now. But it also endeared you to him and you simply pushed at his lip till it was back in place. Each blink looks particularly slow and lethargic, telling you that he’s probably reached his limit.

“I didn’t say that but okay. Do you want to go home?” This time, you speak clearly into his ear as close as you can get. Almost immediately he makes a noise of protest, his shoulder coming up as he cringes from your voice being so close. ASMR always made him shrink away and you felt a little bad.

But he doesn’t start protesting wildly like some drunk people might, proclaiming himself to be perfectly fine and ready to troop on through the night while downing beer after beer. Instead, he stares blankly at the bottle in his hand for a minute or so, oblivious to the chatter of which 90s boy band was better before nodding slowly.

“‘M tired.” He sighs out and you watch closely as he lifts the bottle to his lips, about to take a sip before sighing and placing it back down on the table with an overly loud thunk. It makes some of them jump around the booth, their eyes widening in drunken surprise and you give them all a smile of apology.

“Here, enjoy this,” You say to Yoongi, hanging him the beer that Hoseok has rejected. There’s no point in letting it go to waste when there’s someone more than willing to have it. “Birthday boy is done for the night it would seem.”

That makes everyone pause, all of their gazes moving to your boyfriend. Hoseok doesn’t notice them, though you’re not sure he notices anything really given how it looks like he’s about to fall asleep right there. Chungha pouts dramatically and holds her arms out, wanting a hug from you which you give her with a laugh.

Looking over at the others, who are slightly more sober, you give them a stern face. “Please make sure she doesn’t drink too much and gets home okay.”

“She’ll be fine.” Soyeon says and you realise she’s the closest thing to sober on the table outside of Amelia. It even looks like she has a big glass of water to keep her going too and you give her a relieved smile before gently persuading Hoseok to leave the booth. He wavers dangerously on his feet, once standing, trying to get his balance before staggering off with his weight leaning heavily on you.

“God, you’re much heavier when drunk.” You mutter, shifting yourself to cope better with the dead weight of his arm on you. There’s a brief pause by the bar to say goodbye to everyone else, and you’re not surprised when no one protests you leaving when they see how far gone Hoseok is now, before you successfully manage to navigate out of the busy bar and onto the street.

Your car was in the nearby parking lot and what had been a two minute walk ended up being ten minutes with Hoseok walking at a snail’s pace. Though that was because he’d almost fallen over about three times. He was surprisingly quiet though, which you found odd as he was pretty loud and boisterous when tipsy.

Not a single word leaves his mouth until he’s slouched in the passenger seat of your car with his seatbelt finally secured, looking very much like the drunk person he was with his limbs placed wherever they’d happened to land. His head rolls back on his shoulders until it thumps against the window, letting him look at you as you fasten your own seat belt and turn the key in the ignition.

“‘Luff you.” He mumbles, the words slurred but still audible to you over the quiet noise of the car engine. Glancing over at him, you can’t help but smile as your heart squeezes at the sight of him. His eyes are beyond glassy now, so unfocused and yet it’s almost like he’s looking at you with his own heart. Hoseok is not only a quiet drunk, but a sappy drunk too apparently.

The speakers kick to life as it connects to Spotify on your phone and you cringe slightly as Metallica starts playing. You’d let him pick the playlist for the night and now you were going to have to suffer for the rest of the journey home as you’d already started driving.

Hoseok is so quiet on the trip back that you keep panicking, looking over to make sure he’s okay only to be met with his blank, impassive stare. Though you think it’s probably only blank because thinking is likely too hard at the moment. It makes you want to giggle at the thought but you don’t, biting your lip to stop yourself.

“You’re pretty,” Glancing at him quickly, you note the way his hand is wavering as he attempts to touch your cheek, only his aim is wildly off and you make a noise of protest as he instead bops you on the nose. It doesn’t deter him though and for the sake of driving safely, you take his hand and press it to your cheek instead. “So pretty. Love you.”

“Okay Hobi, I get it. Thank you. Now, please stop poking my face while I’m driving, okay? You can touch my face all you want when we get home.” You ask him, giving him a persuasive look before taking his hand and squeezing it before placing it back on his lap. For a moment, you think he’s going to argue but he quietens down again, slouching and you’re not sure you’ve ever loved him more than in this moment weirdly.

The rest of the journey is much easier and you pack up outside your apartment building with ease, Hoseok’s car next to your own. Getting him to your apartment is a bit of an issue given he doesn’t appear to have really sobered up any since leaving the bar and you have to cajole him into getting back up when he slides down the wall of the elevator, giggling to himself as he sits. It’s only with the promise of cuddles and Kasumi that he finally gets back up and staggers down the hall to your door.

“God, I really hope I don’t have to do this too much.” You mutter as you get him inside, watching as he toes off his shoes while leaning heavily against the wall. As much as you love him, you hate dealing with drunk people because there’s just no reasoning with them sometimes. Thankfully, at least Hoseok appears to be an amenable drunk.

“Hello my baby! My little angel, oh hello chicken. My little Kasumi-pud, my beautiful girl. I’ve missed you! Aren’t you the cutest kitty?” Hoseok has become immediately distracted by the sight of Kasumi as she walks over to greet you both, the soft chirp causing Hoseok to explode into even more drunk nicknames that get increasingly ridiculous.

And then you curse as he gets a little over eager in his attempts to pet her, bending over instead of crouching and soon toppling onto the floor due to his lack of balance. Kasumi starts, her eyes wide and every inch of her primed to run before moving back over to Hoseok, sniffing his nose and mouth curiously as he simply giggles and strokes her in a surprisingly gentle motion.

“Hoseok! Come on, get up. I don’t want you to hurt yourself now.” You grumble, helping him to stand despite his protests at wanting to stroke his ‘ickle chicken’. Why he was calling her that, you had no idea.

You’re soon shown that Hoseok is even more of a handful once home as you turn around to take your own shoes off and hang up your coat because as soon as you’re back, you realise he’s gone. Eyes widening, you wonder where the fuck he went before you hear the shower turning on in the open bathroom door.

Rushing inside, you see Hoseok has half undressed himself and is standing in the shower, eyes closed as the water beats down on him. Only he’s still wearing his shirt and is only naked on the lower half, causing you to sigh and roll your eyes. 

“Hobi, come on. I don’t want you to get hurt or...drown or something.” Grasping his arm, you try to encourage him out of the shower without causing him any harm but he yanks his arm away in protest, a sound that he must assume is a word leaving his mouth before he goes to grab his shampoo.

“Fuck sake.” You mutter, realising he is not going to let you take him out of the shower. Fine, if he won’t leave then you’ll at least make sure he doesn’t drown himself. It takes a bit of encouragement to get him to take his soaked shirt off but you appease him by instead taking over the hard work of washing his hair and body for him. Why he’s so insistent on this you don’t know, until he mutters when you wash his arm.

“Icky. I’m icky. Stupid Sambuca.” It’s then that you realise his arm is ever so slightly sticky beneath the water. Someone evidently spilled Sambuca over his arm instead of actually drinking it, and your nose wrinkles at the thought of him going to bed stinking of aniseed, alcohol and being sticky.

Drunk Hoseok apparently makes the occasional good decision.

Once out, you manage to help him get a towel wrapped around his waist before he decides he wants to impale himself on his toothbrush. Brows rising as you watch him, you wonder if this is just general drunk Hoseok behaviour. He was a generally neat person normally but you don’t particularly remember anyone getting this drunk and demanding to be clean before bed.

Still though, you don’t want him to hurt himself so you carefully brush his teeth for him. And try not to notice the fact he’s giving you that sappy look once more. It’s not quite as cute when his mouth is full of toothpaste foam. Or maybe it’s even cuter given he’s evidently incapable of controlling his facial expressions.

After coaxing him to spit out what was in his mouth, and not swallow it like he’d almost seemed like he was going to, you finally get him to the bedroom where you make him sit on the bed. He does so pliantly, his lips pressed together in a content smile that makes his dimples show and causes him to look far younger and sweeter than the extensive tattoos on show do.

Brushing his hair for him, you press a kiss to his forehead before pointing at him with narrow eyes. “Stay here. Do not move. I’m going to get you a glass of water that I want you to drink and then we’ll dry you off and get you dressed, okay?”

His response is a nod, looking very much like a child with how eager it is and you snort in amusement before leaving to the kitchen. You’re probably gone a minute, if that, before heading back into the bathroom with a glass full of fresh water and pausing in the doorway at what you’re seeing.

Hoseok has not sat still like you’d told him. Instead, he’s stood up and is now completely naked. Only he apparently appears fascinated by the fact he has a penis and is too busy giggling to notice your arrival. 

Clearing your throat, you watch as he looks up with wide eyes. If you’d thought it was because he’d been caught doing...whatever he was doing, then you were wrong because instead he just gives you the brightest smile. You’re about to ask what’s wrong when he proceeds to point down to his groin with excitement.

“Look! A helicopter!” And then he gyrates his hips until his dick swings in a circular motion, causing you to sigh so deeply that you’re not entirely sure if you haven’t just felt your soul leave your body. Taking a moment to yourself, you stare at the floor before looking up with a smile.

“That’s great Hoseok. Now please drink this while I get you dressed.” He pouts at your lack of reaction but you figure it’s probably the best route right now. Otherwise he might be encouraged by your laughter to do something even more silly. The last thing you need is for him to wake up having injured himself doing something stupid in your bedroom.

He takes the glass from you and begins to drink, the sound overly loud and exaggerated but you don’t question it as you make him lean against the wall, allowing you to get him into some boxers without him falling over and hurting himself. A shirt gets childish whines, apparently he’s too hot, but you finally get it on him and get him to sit back on the bed.

“I’m going to get you another glass. Please...just sit there, okay?” There’s no response this time and you wonder what he’s got upto this time when you head back to the bedroom, only to find silence greet you. 

Silence, because Hoseok has evidently decided it was time to sleep. He’d curled himself up under the covers, despite his insistence of being warm, on your side of the bed and appeared to be completely gone. Smiling fondly at him, you place the glass on the bedside table next to him before finding his phone from the jeans he’d thrown off in the bathroom and plugging it in to charge next to yours.

Thank god he’d taken these off before showering.

Going through your own nightly routine, you crawl into bed next to him on his side and sigh as his scent overwhelms you. Hoseok doesn’t move at all and you wonder how strong his hangover is going to be in the morning. Or if he’ll even remember anything that’s happened.

You’re definitely telling him about his dickcopter though. Chuckling to yourself finally at the memory, you shift forward till you can kiss his clothed shoulder fondly and get yourself into a more comfortable position.

His tattoos were never going to look intimidating ever again now.

[restlessmelodrama]

Say I Never Mattered Chapter 1  *:･ﾟ✧

Steve Harrington x Y/N Henderson (Slowburn)

Warnings: Swearing (i guess), also… probably bad writing.

Chapter 1  / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 /

Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8

Playlist

A/N:  Hi, you may have noticed, that this is a new account.

I’ve been on Tumblr for- who the fuck knows? Many years. I feel old.

I wrote some fanfics before, and a few people were reading it.

Then out of nowhere like every mentally-stable person would, I deleted everything and disappeared from the Internet for two years. But I’m back now, so hey!

I guess my writing isn’t that bad, so I hope you enjoy. xD

⟡ Tell me, if I should continue this series and leave some constructive criticism if you want to.

P.S: I’m not a native speaker, so sorry if I made any mistakes. 

There you were.

Walking down the rainy, cold streets of Hawkins, Indiana.

You had just left the modest road between Euclid and Monroe leading to a few gorgeous houses, with garages as big as your home and huge heated pools with jets. Upper-class shit.

It was shortly after eleven am on a Friday night in November and the poorly lit streets of Hawkins were deserted, as always right after nightfall. This town was the definition of a dump.

You were rummaging through your backpack, searching for your small mirror, in the need to check if black streaks of mascara were visible on your face. You had to look somewhat presentable since you still had to pick up your little brother from the Wheeler’s place.

You found it right when you turned onto Maple Street and tried to wipe away one of the destructions this night had left, with the right sleeve of your beloved jean jacket and buttoned it up to hide the rest of the visible embarrassment. Continuing to walk to the only house in the neighborhood with its lights still on.

You rang the doorbell and quickly walked the few steps, leading to the front door, back down. You were a little tipsy and did not wanna risk an argument with Mr. Wheeler about underaged drinking. If he couldn’t smell the alcohol he wouldn’t notice, since he barely even noticed your existence... or anyone’s as a matter of fact.

The light turned on and the door opened, revealing a pissed Ted Wheeler in a green tracksuit and Birkenstocks. His usual look.

“Hi, Mr. Wheeler. Sorry for the late disturbance, but I’m here to pick up my brother“, you said in the friendliest way possible.

He looked at you in confusion.

“Dustin Henderson“, you tried to help him.

Still no sign of enlightenment

“You know, wild curls, baseball cap, very annoying.“, you told him, nervously chuckling, hoping he would finally snap out of it.

“Oh yeah Justin“, he nodded.

“It’s Dus-“, you wanted to correct him, but you were interrupted.

“They’re in the basement. Can you go down there and get him? I’m watching the game.“, he asked with an annoyed undertone in his voice.

„Um- uh sure… I can go“, you stuttered.

This guy was unbelievable. Incredibly useless. A waste of space.

You never understood what Mrs. Wheeler saw in the man.

You took a deep breath and followed him inside. He pointed you towards the living room and disappeared into their kitchen.

You shook your head in disbelief, walking through the Wheeler home. It was already decorated for Christmas.

You always admired Mrs. Wheeler’s assertiveness to turn their place into a Winter Wonderland although her family hated it. Everywhere you looked were little ornaments, fairy lights or other decorations.

It made you think of decorating the tree with your mom and your brother. A very distant but happy memory.

You were about to open the door to the basement when Mr. Wheeler called after you.

“Hey, Henderson, hold up! One question.“

“Yes?“ You asked, turning around after rolling your eyes, wondering what the hell he could possibly want, certain that he had called you by your last name because he couldn’t remember your first.

“Is there a chance you have seen my daughter, Nancy anywhere?“, he wanted to know, really pushing his parental might, as he was staring you down.

He clearly thought he was an authority figure to you, which was so far off, that it was kind of funny. Especially in your tipsy state of mind.

“No… I’m afraid I haven’t.”, you responded, biting back your laughter.

“Aren’t you two always out together?“, he wanted to know next, crossing his arms over his chest.

What world was this guy living in?

“Yes, that would be true if we were still in middle school exchanging our lunch boxes, Mr. Wheeler.

We barely talk now.“ you declared, sighing.

“Oh, okay”, he said, already having lost interest in what you were telling him.

You gave him a sarcastic smile, that you normally used when you were about to flip somebody off and turned around, stepping into the basement and leaving the ignorant man behind. You kept standing on top of the staircase for a few seconds, attempting to calm yourself down, but were interrupted by Max sighing in relief,

“Shit, Y/ N! You scared me. I thought you were my brother.“, she blurted out.

“Oh, sorry to disappoint, but I believe my hairdo isn’t a mullet, looking like I planted some roadkill on my head. Also, my jeans are just not that tight“, you joked, the kids erupting into laughter and earning yourself a high-five from Lucas.

“You’re good for tonight, though.“, you said reaching into your pocket to reveal a set of keys. You tossed them over to Max, who had a look on her face like she had just won the lottery, as soon as she realized who they belonged to.

“You took his keys?“, she asked, her eyes growing wide, a huge smile on her face.

“Yeah, he tried to drive home shitfaced, so I thought I’d do everyone else on planet earth a favor and take them. Well, except for Harrington, because Billy totally crashed in the shed in his backyard.“, you explained planting yourself on the couch next to Mike, digging into the bag of tortilla chips and stuffing a few in your mouth.

You tried not to think about it too much but your heart began to hurt when his name left your lips. You didn’t know what to think. That night had been messy and ugly and heartbreaking.

“You definitely saved my ass. Thanks, Y/N!“, Max interrupted your thoughts again.

You cleared your throat, trying to get rid of the feeling of it closing up,

“Anytime, California.“, you smiled.

The party had been playing DnD, all day and they begged you to let them finish the game, stating it would only take a few more minutes.

Almost an hour later, they had finally lost and your brother was displeased enough to be willing to leave since he was a sore loser.

You quickly said your goodbyes and left through the back door.

“Where’s the car?“ Dustin asked when you reached the front of the house.

He seemed pretty drained all of a sudden.

“I had something to drink, tonight, so no driving for me, sorry. 

Also, dad needed my car earlier today“, you brought up as casual as possible, trying to make it seem harmless.

Dustin sighed, rolling his eyes, “He took off again. Didn’t he?“

“No, Dusty, I’m sure he will be home by tomorrow.“, you lied once more, giving him a hopefull smile.

“You know that’s utter bullshit.“, he hissed, kicking the ground in frustration.

Bullshit, it was like the fucking word was haunting you. Tonight it kept growing, tougher and meaner.

“We both know that it’s not likely that we will see him or your car anytime soon. You can stop pretending, Y/N. I’m not a little kid. I know what’s going on.“, he exclaimed clearly angry.

He didn’t know what was going on. Not all of it, and you were very thankful for that.

But he was right, he wasn’t little anymore. You still hoped you could give him the kind of childhood, you weren’t allowed to have. You felt the tears build up again, but you were able to hold them back. You didn’t want Dustin to feel even worse just because you were tipsy and emotional.

“You’re right“, you gave him a sad smile, 

“But you’re also not grown up yet and you already have enough on your plate, Dusty.“, you said, feeling a little overwhelmed as your vision began to blur.

He must have seen the tears in your eyes and your exhausted posture because he immediately gave up on reasoning with you.

Both of you fell into silence for a  few minutes. Your brother was staring at the ground and dragging his feet.

You bit your lip. You hated when things were that way between you.

You moved a bit closer to him and slightly pushed his side with your elbow.

“How about some fries and a milkshake?“, you asked trying to get him to talk to you again. You couldn’t bear that silence.

He looked at you with furrowed brows and a scrunched up nose, “It’s almost 1am.“

“All right grandpa!“, you teased him, “If you’d rather go home to stare at our empty fridge, we’ll do that.“ 

“Oh, hell no! Let’s go to Benny’s Burgers. They are open all night on Fridays.“, he chuckled almost sounding offended.

You smiled, putting an arm around the boy's shoulders, turning the corner to Randolph Lane.

“Y/N? One more thing…“, he asked stopping in his tracks, looking serious all of a sudden.

“What is it?“, you asked, squinting your eyes a little.

“You’re paying right?“, he grinned.

And you let out heartfelt laughter.

“Oh no Mister, since you don’t want to be treated like a little kid anymore, I think you’re going to pay for yourself. Welcome to adulthood, brother.“ You told him still laughing and obviously thinking he would get the joke, but he didn’t.

“Oh, come on Y/N, I-“, he began to argue.

The rest of his sentence was swallowed by the sound of your heart beating so loud, you thought it would hop right out of your chest, any second. Excruciating pain was moving through your entire body, as you stared at the dark-red BMW parked in front of the restaurant.

You felt a cold shiver run down your back and your throat was starting to hurt again.

Tonight the odds really weren’t in your favor.

“Cool, Steve is here! Maybe he can drive us home later.“, Dustin exclaimed, excitedly.

“Yeah, Maybe“, you whispered, not wanting to alert your brother.

You were walking, a few hesitant steps behind Dustin, your mind telling you to run in the other direction and not stop until you were out of this fucking town leaving behind everything. Your family, your responsibilities and him. Especially him.

Fuck.

[inkwellco]

FOCUS ON... SIMONE SAULT

Australian Simone Sault, star of stage and screen, has taken time out on her return home to Australia to chat with us.

Hi Simone, how’s your visit home been? Beautiful thank you. It’s always glorious coming back and seeing my family and friends here in Australia. Plus the sunshine is what I bottle up and take back to the UK, especially this time of year!

You’ve had quite a career. Can you tell us a bit about your earlier life, both in what drove you to choose dance, and the training you completed? I studied classical ballet from the age of 7yrs at the National Theatre Ballet School. I was blessed to have been taught by wonderful artists and teachers, including the late Kathy Gorham, Gailene Stock, Eileen Tasker,  Jonathan Kelly, Joanne Michel, Terese Power, all incredible dancers with Australian Ballet at the time. I trained daily and after leaving school at 14yrs old (I know!) I studied dance, still at the National, full time for 3 years before entering the professional world. As clichéd as it sounds, I don't recall a time where I didn’t want to dance. It just clicked, even at 7yrs old, it felt like breathing.

And you worked quite a bit in Australia with the Sydney Dance Company, what was that like, and how did that help set the foundation for working overseas? I adored my time with Sydney Dance Company (SDC). I had come from the Australian production of Phantom Of The Opera, back into the dance world (what I had trained for) and I was so consumed by my work, tours, and opportunities that I soaked it up daily for the 7 yrs I was there. My work with SDC was unique in the fact that, under the direction of Graeme Murphy and Janet Vernon at the time, it was a classically based contemporary Company, but with a strong emphasis on the actor/character /personality side of each member. Graeme is wonderful at extracting from you what only YOU can bring to a piece/role with the movement almost seeming secondary. I have always loved the storytelling side to a role. With this in mind, my experience with the Company aided me to continue to pursue my career overseas as I just didn’t have an agenda, I literally landed here in the UK and made a promise to myself, to say yes to any and all opportunities that came my way. Ones that assisted me in furthering my development as an artist…dancer, actor, collaborater, creative. A pact that, thus far, has held me in good stead. -Touch wood-

How do the two compare? Working in Australia versus working overseas? It’s really hard to compare the two I feel. Something I have always said is, I believe the training in Australia is second to none. However the opportunities are not always there, or indeed as plentiful as they are here in London and New York for example. Hence why I feel very lucky to have the best of both worlds, be an Aussie and take the rest of the world for everything it’s got! London has been so very good to me. There’s not a day that passes where I don't feel humbled, and above all grateful for the jobs and in particular the talent that I work with and for.

You’ve been involved in some major productions, including Phantom of the Opera, Chicago, Sinatra and On The Town, productions one can only hope to be involved in. How do you go about preparing for roles, and how do you approach each audition? Auditions are never easy, nor that enjoyable if I'm going to be honest! Why do we do it to ourselves?! It’s taken me a while to figure it out, but I do honestly believe that if the job/role is meant to come your way, it will, good audition or not. The best advice, the only advice actually is, BE yourself. Prepare of course, but just trust in what will be will be. I find that takes a lot of the stress out it. And what has always been the case for me is, if I have missed out on something I really wanted, something else from left field always shows up and I think, “thank God I didn’t get so and so because NOW I’m doing this!”

You’re also quite an accomplished choreographer, with credits including: Love Never Dies, Strictly Come Dancing and the London Olympic Games ceremonies, what a diverse range of opportunities, what were some of the standout moments from each? Oh wow, yes, I feel very lucky to be working for Graeme and Janet once again (original Choreographers of Love Never Dies) and working for someone like Danny Boyle for the London 2012 Games was rather surreal I must say. Opening Ceremony with the World watching was as good as it gets I think! That is definitely a highlight, he was/is extraordinary. I love working creatively as it continues to open my eyes to a craft that I have been involved in for a long time now, yet at times, depending on what I’m working on and who with, I feel like the student all over again… keeps you fresh!

We’ve also seen you venture on to screen, both TV and Film. Can you tell us a bit about your work on Alice in Wonderland, particularly working with Director Tim Burton, whom you’ve previously worked with on Sweeney Todd? Other credits of yours include work on Rob Marshall’s Nine, Kath and Kimderella and the TV show Galavant. That’s quite a range of diverse productions, how did you prepare for these varying roles? Tim Burton is exactly how you think he would be, brilliantly colourful and a real visionary. A gorgeous woman by the name of Francesca Jaynes choreographs nearly all of his movies, we worked very closely with her as well. With Kath and Kimderella, I had just finished working with the incredibly talented Gina Riley on the Australian production of Chicago when she offered me the role of an Hispanic lesbian that flirts with Magda Zubanski’s character, Sharon Strzelecki… as you do! It was short and sweet but I had an absolute blast. My opportunity to work with Rob Marshall on laying down the rehearsal track “Take It All” for his Nine was another surreal moment, recording it with the legend that is Maury Yeston. Rob Marshall was genuine, honest and very normal, which is always a good thing! Can you tell us how you balance work, and your other amazing role in life, being a mother? Arrr, my [not so] little Luca! He’s everything to me! He has just turned 4 and is incredible in every sense of the word. I was pregnant with Luca right through my time working on London 2012 Olympic Games. By the time we wrapped the Ceremonies I was 8 and a half months pregnant! There would be times where I was still out on the field of play rehearsing until way after 1am of a day, and he’d be kicking and hiccupping away like a trooper. The travel and nomadic lifestyle is all he has ever known, so fortunately for me he is a dream when it comes to travel and new places/work spaces. I worked in Russia for 3 months when he was around 9 months old and there has been a lot of further travel and new environments since then. Luckily he loves the theatre, rehearsal space and music, so, so far so good. I literally feel like I strap him to my back and off we go! Having said that though, he started school in September last year, so this requires a tad more planning and organising around work and travel, but fortunately I have a wonderful friend/ Nanny situation so it works beautifully. We’re about to see you in one of the most highly anticipated films of the year, Beauty and the Beast (BATB). And whilst we know you can’t give too much away, can you tell us what it was like working on set? A little bit about your role and what scenes you were involved in? On Beauty I worked with the choreographer, Anthony Van Laast, and Director Bill Condon. Working on set for over 4 months was a magical experience. We recorded the soundtrack also, so can not wait for it to release! In the early days, Anthony set us a task of filling in our back stories for our characters which then in turn added to our connection with Belle and within the village where we lived. Gaston’s Tavern (with the delicious Luke Evans as Gaston) was a wonderful scene for us all. I have a lovely moment with him…but that’s if it doesn't end up on the cutting room floor!

What was it like working with Director Bill Condon? Bill Condon is a complete class act. Knew our names from day one and just a wonderfully genuine, talented man. So much so, that during the filming of Beauty, I lost my beloved Mum, and had to subsequently leave 2 days early. After shooting wrapped, a few weeks later I received a gorgeous email from him expressing his sadness and thoughts and love. I remember how ecstatic my Mum was when she found out that I got the job, so it goes without saying Beauty is for her. Having worked on stage with a variety of performers from different countries, can you tell us a bit about working with actors and dancers from around the world on the set of BATB? It really is a case of no matter where you're from and /or what gender, there is an unmistakable bond and kinship with the people you work with. And in this case especially with Beauty. The experience and careers of so, so many are hard to fathom. I arrived on set each day so very humbled, privileged and grateful for the day that lay ahead. You knew right from day one that this was/is a very, very special moment in cinematic history.

And from what we’ve seen on social media, what was the experience like bringing the iconic music to life through dance for the big screen? Pure Joy! Anthony and Bill worked so closely together and seemed on the same page, with the same vision…which isn't always the case! The movement and staging happened so naturally, in the tavern scene especially Anthony has created a robust, energetic joyous scene. We all had a ball! Is there anything you can tell us about the film or perhaps one of your favourite moments on set? All of it really, but Gaston’s Tavern is probably my favourite! If you could describe the film in three words, what would they be? 1. Life changing (I know that’s two) 2. Humbling. 3. Magical! What advice do you have for any aspiring performers/creatives? If you want it, go get it. It’s not written anywhere in this world that you can’t have or achieve what your heart desires. Be persistent, be focused, work your butt off, stay disciplined and be nice to everyone, whether they be directors, creatives, behind the scenes, teachers, dressers, anyone and everyone. We all breathe the same air and you are only as good as your last job!  

And finally, what can we expect from you next? Involved in a show I have worked on creatively and its tour to America this year! Any excuse to head back to NY.

Thank you so much for your time Simone. We can’t wait to see you on stage, TV and on screen in 2017! Thank YOU lovely Katerina for your time and bravo. Images courtesy of Simone Sault Instagram

[hannahsewell]

Incase you’ve been living under a rock or your middle name is Scrooge…

ITS CHRISTMAS TIME !

I thought with it being my first Christmas a blogger that I would pass up the option to do Blogmas this year.

One; because I just literally don’t have the time. Working full time in a school is tiring and mentally draining. And two; there is no way that i’d be able to think of that many ideas and get them written and posted in time. It. just. wouldn’t. happen.

However, what I did think I could let you guys know about, is the time that I was in a Christmas film. 4 years ago today (to be precise) myself and around 40 others loaded onto a coach and headed down to London, somewhere near South Bank, but where exactly – I couldn’t tell you (as I don’t know).

The choreographer for the film got in touch with my Performing Arts college about being on the hunt for, originally, 50 male dancers to dress as Santa for a flash mob. However with the dance industry heavily populated by females this was a tricky job. Therefore the opportunity was opened up to female dancers.

Arriving in London, our first stop was at the costume trailer area to get into our matching costumes of Santa.

On top of our advisory comfy clothing (aka leggings and long t-shirt) we then had; an oversized white t-shirt on with a pillow stuffed underneath to give us our jolly santa belly, our red Santa trousers which then had braces added to them over the top to keep them up (obviously). To finish off the look we had the famous red coat, black belt, black boots and of course the wig, beard and red and white hat.

Once dressed it was onto our next port of call. Onto the bus and to the hotel which was around the corner from where the filming was taking place.

After literally stopping traffic by crossing the road we made our way through to the function room where would then have rehearsals for the next few hours, which were manic and INCREDIBLY hot and sweaty. With all our layers on and the dance rehearsals going on in a room that wasn’t the largest, you can imagine the situation we were dealing with.

After we’d had some lovely food, it was time to layer back up and be ready for the big event… filming! And on the London Eye! Which may I add, I’d never been on it before and with my first time filming for British film with Adam Garcia and just one too many Santa, it’s one I won’t be forgetting any time soon.

By the time we had finished the scene it was almost 1am and time to go home! So back to the costume trailer area where we dropped off our costumes and then back on the coach for the journey home to Leicester.

I apologise for the poor quality…some of these were photos caught in a passing moment.

 Less than a month later, we received a call to see if we were free for filming again in January, this time for an Elf Flashmob.

After having so much time the previous month, of course I said yes! This time, however, filming was in Coventry. So a lot closer to home. We also had time for rehearsals we went to film with this flashmob this time. Which was waaaaaay better and much more relaxing!

On arrival we had to sign in and get into costume. This time as Elves and once we were changed we had to head over to make up to have our elf ears attached and our rosey cheeks applied.

Next something was about to happen which I didn’t really expect…

One of the production runners came into the trailer where us dancers were waiting and asked for an Elf that was ready to sign in. I was ready and stood by the door, so of course I said “yes” and off I went with her. She took me to a car where she introduced me to the driver and said that somebody would be waiting for me on the other side.

(Now, if Stranger Things had been around at the time I would of thought I was being taken to the Upside Down. But it was all fine and dandy and I was just taken to the local shopping centre, where the filming was taking place).

Walking through Coventry dressed as an elf in January; it’s safe to say I felt a bit of a t*t.

And of course, due to the nature of film sets, they were running behind schedule. So I sat like a lone ranger (or elf if you like) with a few other extras and of course, a donkey was roaming around somehwere. I mean that’s totally normal, isn’t it?

Anyway once, we had been back to the trailer set up, had some lunch, shared some carrot cake with Martin Clunes and had a photo with Adam Garcia, it was time to head back to the film set, I had a microphone set up/attached and onto the scene.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own these photos.

The amazing thing with this film is that it is unscripted and improvised. The actors were given a brief of what was to be happening at the time and then camera, roll, action! and the scene was underway.

I had to sit behind a desk and sign in the films famous students/teachers into the flash mob competition. Which was rather funny; with the kids from the film trying to convince themselves more than me that I wasn’t a real elf from the North Pole, AND the fact Mr Poppy (played by Marc Wootton) got far too excited during one take at the ‘winning prize’ and kissed me. Which EVERYONE found hilarious… it’s safe to say that that take didn’t end up in the film.

Once we had filmed that scene and Director, Debbie Isitt, was happy it was time to film the dancing scenes with Adam Garcia.

Quickly heading over to the opposite side of the shopping centre where my fellow elves were waiting and getting ready for some dancing fun. I also had to quickly learn a mini tap section that Adam Garcia had choreographed, whom may I add, actually caught my friend teaching it me and he came over and helped her out a bit. So, yes, I am claiming that as a 1:1 dance lesson with Adam Garciaaaaa! YES!

Anyway, on to the mega filming session. We had to do the short routine a fair few times so that the director/producer was happy with the content and to ensure they had enough footage to play around with as well as getting the right facial reactions of the characters within that scene.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own this photo.

At the end of the day, we had finished filming, back to the costume department and then time to go home.

The fun really started when a year later I started recieving messages informing me that they’d seen me on TV dressed as an elf… WHAT?! I was in the official trailer for the film!

I received many text messages featuring images like this.

AHHHHH!

I couldn’t believe and it was on all the tiiiiiime. Now that, I found embarrassing. I hate watching or listening to myself so this was next level! But all the same, it is pretty cool (even if I do say so myself).

This whole experience was super fun, and even though we didn’t get paid for doing this film it was a great opportunity and experience.

I hope you enjoyed this throwback.

Until next time

Han x

That Time I Was An Elf | Festive Throwback Incase you’ve been living under a rock or your middle name is Scrooge... ITS CHRISTMAS TIME !

[thatguywhoreviews]

Baywatch

 It’s 1AM where I am right now. I should really be sleeping, but I’m not. I need to talk about what in the name of hell I’ve just sat through. It was two hours long. I could talk about the issues with each scene in-depth. I’ve just watched Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson swim through LITERAL FIRE.

 It.

Is.

The.

Worst.

Film.

 I.

Have.

Seen.

All.

Year.

  “And not a single fuck was given”

This quote was my reaction to every single joke that they attempted to even hint at in this entire movie. I didn’t laugh properly once. I cringed more than I laughed. The acting is awful, the character development is awful, the plot is worse than a fever dream that you dreamt up whilst you were drunk at a bar. And the CGI. Oh god, the CGI. The CGI is worse than that time you thought you were a genius and decided to dabble in the art of Scratch. Oh, you don’t believe me? Look at this.

That fire was an actual special effect used in the actual film that was actually released in 2017. I’ve watched three different films this year that at one point of another I’ve classed as the worst film I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched The Room (expect a review on that at some point) which I’ve recently came to love as a cheesy little independent film that grew well outside of its bubble and became a cult phenomenon. I’ve watched The Emoji Movie (Only expect me to review this if I run out of films that I want to review or find to review because I don’t normally put myself through filmic torture) which I’ve not came to love quite as much as The Room, but I have come to hate even more through the exposure it had in the media and the fact that it literally only exists to milk yet more money from the people who choose to see the film. Also, they got Sir Patrick Stewart to voice the Poo Emoji. SIR PATRICK STEWART. If that’s not a waste of the talent that you’ve got, then I don’t know what is.

Baywatch is the final film that I’ve watched this year that I’d class as the worst film I’ve seen all year and this time, I mean it completely. I sat watching this film with a look of utter contempt and hatred on my face that I don’t think I’ve ever had whilst watching any other film. I didn’t even laugh at the CGI, I felt like erupting into tears at every possible avenue. Everything in this film is made by people who don’t understand how films work and the worst thing is the actors that they got are actually pretty good in other things. The Rock has done so many films that by this point he’s almost a classic actor and he’s so much better than whatever this film is trying to be. Even Zac Efron and Alexandra Daddario can do SO much better than this. The characters all fit into heteronormative character stereotypes that I could literally write in my sleep (and yes, I think I could also write them better in my sleep thereby proving the fact that the writers were all high when they wrote this film).

You’ve got the geeky character (Played here awfully by Ronnie Greenbaum) who has fell in love with one of the lifeguards and wants to become a lifeguard just to impress her. He literally doesn’t even care about the massive responsibility and job that he has put on his own shoulders, he just wants to get this girl into bed and that’s literally his characters only motivation to do anything in this entire film, he’s given no character beyond that point.  You’ve got an Olympic Gold Medallist (Played here by probably the second strongest performer in this entire film, and the only one with any real charm, Zac Efron) who has been assigned to this beach for mysterious reasons and falls in love with yet another of the potential lifeguard candidates, Summer Quinn (Played by Alexandra Daddario), who has literally no character development in the film because, like both other female leads (Victoria Leeds (Played here by a seemingly bored Priyanka Chopra) and Stephanie Holden (Played by Ilfenesh Hadera, the less said about her performance here, the better), she was never given a character that could be developed. Every female character in this film is simply eye candy for the males and the film never even shies away from this fact, instead openly accepting it to a weird extent. Even the ‘nerdy’ character at the very least gets a modicum of character development, represented as a weird outcast who could never fit in and who, may I just add briefly, gets his penis stuck in a deckchair during the first half hour of the film and that joke can simply never be forgotten because the implications of it are simply horrifying. Like, what happened next? Did it get ripped off? Is it still there to this day? Is it in a museum collecting pieces of memorabilia that document accurately quite how this travesty of a film actually got the chance to ever be made and somehow made it to a cinema screen rather than a television screen, which incidentally would have actually made it better because I feel like I could deal with this time in small bite sized chunks (or at the very least, it would have meant I didn’t have the misfortune of seeing this movie). I’d also just like to point out that as much as Efrons character seemingly messed up, the treatment he’s given throughout the film really doesn’t represent this well in the slightest and there was no point in making him an Olympic Gold Medallist. In fact, I feel like the only reason they even made him a gold medallist is so that he had a reason to have a body that looks like it was ripped straight out of God’s Favourite Bodies and a reason to have a ‘complex’ plot based around the fact that, oh yeah, he was a gold medallist.

“Fire?! What does that mean?!”

Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. You want me to talk about the CGI used in the film. Fine. But don’t expect this section to be short or even fun. Wait a second. That’s exactly how I’d describe the atrocious CGI that’s used in this film!

 This film literally has some of the worst special effects I’ve seen all year. This year has actually been one of my favourite years in cinema (due to the fact that so many good films have come out this year and I love them all) and I’ve adored some of the effects I’ve seen this year, yet this film couldn’t even be bothered to render something approaching realistic fire. Like, seriously I’ve already shown you this stuff and if you reacted in anything even approaching a similar way to how I reacted to the CGI, you almost died with laughter and then slowly stopped laughing as you realised that this was a still that was actually taken from the film. You know what, it’s easier to show you a comparison of this film and another film that was realised this year. It’s important here that we ignore budget because if you stretch your money enough you can do anything with even the smallest amount of money. You ready? Look at this.

 Did you take a good wide berth at it? That first still at the top is taken from Blade Runner 2049, an incredibly well made, well directed and brilliantly acted film that, like Baywatch (a name I can’t even think about anymore without wanted to walk outside, wait for somebody to walk past me, knock them out and then proceed to kill them and hide the body), was released in 2017. Yes, you read that right. It came out this year. That still at the bottom is taken from, you guessed it, Baywatch. Please, tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see special effects in the Baywatch still. I see somebody who has thrown paint at a landscape painting of a boat and said “Yeah, I think that’ll do it”. I just refuse to believe that this is what film studios have become these days, desperate money hungry husks of what they used to be.

There’s more examples like this in the film and they’re all as bad as the fire scene that you’ve just had the displeasure of looking at. God, I can’t even look at it without screaming internally in a manner that implies my eyes are melting and I’m losing the will to live. There’s a scene that is thankfully very late in the film (thankful in the sense that you don’t have too much of this abysmally made disgusting train wreck to watch after you’ve seen these scenes) that involves a large number of fireworks, a gun and the top of a large tower. Suffice to say, The Rock is shot for what seems like the ten millionth time at this point and it looks like the bad guy has won (more to be said on her later, but suffice to say I have more than a few little bones to pick with her and her scheme that is borderline insane to a level never seen in film before) and then the bad guy (who I’m going to admit right here, I don’t even know her name. I don’t even know if they said it in the film, if they did I can’t remember it, but it wouldn’t exactly surprise me if they didn’t even bother to properly characterise their villain and just kept them as a mysterious presence that isn’t even that mysterious) is distracted by pretty fireworks. Yes. You read that. That actually happened. The villain of the piece, the woman who shot THE ROCK for gods sake, the woman who is seemingly about to make millions of dollars from drug and property sales is distracted by a few pretty fireworks which makes it seemingly impossible for her helicopter to pick her up. And the firework CGI is also pretty poor by the standards that we’ve (very much rightly) came to expect from any film that has been released in 2017 (we got Thor: Ragnarok this year for Christ’s sake). There’s nothing redeeming about the CGI in this film, something that will likely not surprise you as I am a strong believer that this entire film literally has no good or even believably decent moments.

 “It’s not about the drugs for Leeds”

Leeds! That’s the name of the villain of the piece! I can’t believe I forgot her name! Oh wait, I can. Just like I can voluntarily forgot every single moment of this film and feel all the better for having do so.

She’s an awful mockery of what could have been really quite the fun character and yet just…. isn’t. At all. She’s not fun. She’s not funny. She doesn’t even have a half-decent plan which, as a, y’know, villain, is the only reason that she even exists in the film in the bloody first place.  Her plan is to sell drugs and make enough money to….do what exactly? It’s never even explained why she wants this money, just that she wants money so she can have money. It’s never actually explained what she’s going to spend that money on and we’ll never find out the reasons because by the end of the film she’s dead.

 “That’s not how this story ends, Mitch”

Actually, yes it is. This film is the complete antithesis to anything that a good film should be and I wouldn’t even wish this upon my worst enemy.

0/10- It’s really that bad. I wouldn’t even recommend watching this film as part of a marathon of bad films. If anybody ever gets you this film as a gift and thinks that by buying you this film that they’ve carried out a good deed, burn the DVD in front of their eyes and then slap the person who bought you the film, clearly they don’t care about you in the slightest and they just want to laugh as they watch you suffer in what will be something approaching silent and unparalleled horror at whatever you’ve just pressed play on.