#you ARE wasting a significant bit of mental energy posting the thing every week.

[yellowocaballero]

DONE DONE DONE with the latest motherfucking behemoth. I still have to write the epilogue and fill in a few gaps, but the newest monstrosity will be published early next week!

It's not the longest work in the Trigun tag but it's certainly up there.

[twisted-tales-of-all]

A Trip Through Memory Woods

human!reader x wolf-hybrid!Jaehyun ;; Kinktober Masterlist sub!female!reader

“Anon” Request

Summary: Your life-long friend and now boyfriend wants to celebrate your 3 year anniversary with a surprise. Remembering the old days, you decide to make new memories at the same time.

Word Count: 2371

Contains: long-term relationship!au, friends-to-lovers!au, outdoor sex, unprotected sex, mating, knotting, oral sex (female receiving), praise, lots of fluff

A/N: I am posting this one now because yesterday was the anniversary of me and the requester being mutuals for a year. Love you bby, enjoy ^^ also there’s one line that I hate because it’s lowkey meta but couldn’t bring myself to remove because it’s stupid funny to me

As a child, you lived in an area where the only neighbors you had were the creatures that lived in the woods behind your house. Whenever you'd get bored, you would roam the woods and try to make friends with the animals you'd find. One evening, you stay later than usual, humming a tune as you sit on a tree stump and enjoy the scenery. You hear some rustling that draws your attention to a nearby bush, where you see a silver tail resting on the side.

Without thinking, you get off the stump and kneel on the ground, hoping the animal would come out of hiding. More rustling accompanies its movements as it peeks out from behind the bush. You're shocked when you see a human face emerge.

"Hello? I haven't seen you here before. Where are you from?" You ask as you stand up and slowly walk towards the stranger.

Immediately, they flee. You go back to that same spot every day for the next few weeks. When he shows up, he gradually moves closer each day, so long as you don't move from the tree. After a while, he sits next to the stump and bumps his head against you lightly to let you know that he feels safe enough to talk with you.

"Hi! I'm Y/N. Don't worry, I'm nice. Do you have a name?"

He stares up at you for a bit, and you can almost see the mental debate he has with himself.

"Jaehyun... I'm Jaehyun."

"Nice to meet you. Why do you have a tail, Jaehyun?"

He doesn't quite know how to respond, so you brush it off, and the two of you talk until your mom yells at you to go back inside. Over time, you become very close to Jaehyun, telling him about school and your parents. He takes an interest in school, asking you numerous questions and asking you to teach him how to read and write. You teach him four days a week, and, by your 14th birthday, he can read and write as well as anyone your age. 

As the years go by, you continue teaching him everything you learn, including giving him college applications. He asks where you're applying, only applying to those same schools. When you both receive acceptances, he keeps track of which ones you both get, and he follows you to the school you end up choosing.

Rather than living in the dorms, your mom pays for you to have an apartment nearby. Jaehyun moves in with you, and the two of you adjust to college and city life together for the first year. In the summer following that year, Jaehyun asks you to be his girlfriend. You accept, teasing that you thought he friend-zoned you since he waited so long to ask. Now, nearly three years later, you two are happier than ever.

"Y/N, do you think you can take Saturday off from work? There's something I'd like to do for our anniversary."

"Hm? Sure, I can try. Do I get to know, or is this one of your wacky surprises again?"

"I'm planning a trip, baby. It'll be fun." His innocent smile lights up the room as he says just enough to pique your interest without giving anything away.

When Saturday rolls around, your boyfriend wakes you up earlier than usual. He already loaded the car with a picnic basket and some blankets, so he tells you to dress comfortably and come to the kitchen for a quick breakfast before leaving. While you groan and complain about being awake, his boundless energy never falters. Once you're on the road, Jaehyun puts on a playlist of songs that came out the year you met. You compliment him on going all out, but the sleepiness takes over again, so you sleep for the second half of the trip and miss a good majority of the playlist.

He wakes you gently when you reach your destination, and you open your eyes to countless trees.

"Where are we? Did you take me to a forest to murder me? I knew this day would come. Damn, I wasn't prepared."

He flicks your forehead, "Quit joking, you idiot. Look." He points to the left, towards a cabin, "Recognize where we are yet?"

At first, you don't. When you look at the building for a bit longer, however, you realize he brought you back to where you lived when the two of you first met.

You turn to him, wide-eyed, "Oh god, you brought us home!"

His proud smile beams at you as he nods, "I contacted the people who bought it after your family moved out, and they said we could come over today and visit the area. They're out vacationing this week, but they left me the key if you wanna look inside."

You're already halfway out of the car when he finishes talking, but you don't really care to explore the house at all. Even though you lived there most of your life, the surrounding woods hold much more significance than the building itself. So, to Jaehyun's surprise, you walk past the house, trying to find the small clearing you used to sit in. Jaehyun follows you wordlessly until you stop at one particular tree stump, slowly lowering yourself onto it.

"It's here, isn't it? This is the spot we met. I remember it clearly. I'm so glad I eventually stopped hiding and went up to you." He sits down on the floor next to you, just like that first time when you were kids.

You tease him for taking forever to approach, just like he took forever to finally ask you out, but then a comfortable silence falls over the two of you as you both embrace the familiar sights, sounds, and smells of these woods. Neither of you would admit it, but you both missed this feeling while in the bustling, never-sleeping city.

When you stand up to break the silence, you question your boyfriend, "You said the owners won't be home today, right?"

"Uh huh. Why?"

"There's something I had a dream about a while ago that I wanna try out. Do you think you'd be down?"

"What do you have in mind, babe?"

"Well, if nobody is around... We could have some fun here. Make more memories for this spot."

"Oh~ I see what you mean." He stands up and puts his hands on the stump on either side of you, leaning his face close to yours and forcing you back to a seated position out of shock, "How do you wanna do this?"

Seeing his tail swaying behind him, you realize that you've forced him to adapt fully to human life, so you want to experience at least one thing from the other side of him, "How do wolves have sex? They mate, right? Wouldn't it be super special if we mate here? Mating right where we first met attaches another special first to this spot."

He moves one hand up to cover the embarrassment written clearly on his face, "Y-You know wolves mate for life, right? Asking to mate with me is a stronger pact than marriage."

You reach up and ruffle his hair, "As if I'd want anyone else. You're so oblivious sometimes, Jaehyun. I waited years for you to ask me out. I'll gladly be linked with you for life."

His hand and jaw drop at the same time as he looks at with the widest eyes you've seen on him. You can't help but laugh at him for not even suspecting you felt this way despite you being so obvious about it. You leave a quick peck on his nose to bring him back to reality, which results in him pulling you to his chest, hugging tightly. You can feel his body sway as his tail swings wildly from joy.

As he pulls away, he verifies with a bright smile, closely watching your eyes, "Should we mate here, then?"

You simply nod, smiling just as brightly back at him. Without wasting more time, he pushes his lips against yours. The kiss is rough, but not forceful. He reaches one hand behind your neck, supporting your head as his tongue parts your lips and dances with your tongue. Clearly, your boyfriend planned this moment in his head, as he works through the process just as a writer would describe the perfect make-out session. As his free hand lightly pushes you down until you're laying on the stump, he positions his body in between your legs.

With one hand now holding himself up, he pulls away from you to bring his free hand to your stomach. He hooks his thumb under the edge of your shirt, slowly lifting it to reveal your simple, black bra. He lifts the shirt over your head, and you quickly unhook the bra to help him out. He piles the clothes on the ground, throwing his shirt there as well. The cool air hits your hot skin, but he keeps removing clothes despite the cold.

He removes his pants first, then reaches for yours. He looks at your face to verify your consent and begins removing them only after you give him a nod. Soon enough, you're both naked in the middle of the woods as the sun begins to set. Jaehyun drops to his knees, deciding to give you some attention before the sex.

He starts with one big lick, then adds soft licks to your clit. He adds two fingers into your hole, slowly moving them in and out as he alternates between licking and sucking your clit. Your soft moans encourage him to continue, so he keeps it up as your moans get louder. When he hits the right spot inside you, a hand flies to his hair, and you let him know to aim for that same spot.

You feel the tension in your muscles as you get closer to your high. He never once lets up, even when you scream that you're about to cum. You buck your hips against him as you cum, riding out your high as all the tension releases. He pulls his fingers out, sucking the juices off them as he stands up again. He leans over you, smiling at the look on your face.

"That feel good, baby?" He asks as he brushes a stray hair out of your face.

"It felt amazing, Jaehyun." You watch his eyes as they follow his hand's caring movements around your hairline and jawline.

"God, you're so gorgeous."

He continues tracing parts of your body as he waits for you to recover from the orgasm. When he notices your breathing returns to normal, he stands up straight once again, asking if you're ready. You mumble out an agreement, so he lines himself up with your entry. He pushes in slowly, both of you holding your breath until he's fully in. You both exhale and stay there quietly for a bit, adjusting to each other's bodies. When Jaehyun begins moving, he starts slow. You feel everything he does; every little movement feels amplified due to the speed. You beg him to go faster, hoping to feel him hit the right spots. He listens to your request without hesitation, his breathing getting heavier as he does every movement in an attempt to please you.

When he starts losing control, he pulls out, cursing under his breath. You look at him, confused and slightly upset by the emptiness, but he motions for you to turn around. You stand up and turn, bending over the stump and using both hands to keep yourself steady. He holds onto your hips tightly as he pushes back inside you. With the curve of his dick, he immediately brushes against your soft spot, making your legs quiver.

"You alright, babygirl?" He freezes, worried he hurt you.

"Yes, babe. Please, keep going. It feels amazing."

He starts moving again, faster than before. The grip on your hips tightens, sure to leave bruises. After a few minutes, you scream about being close to orgasming again. He replies in between grunts, stating that he's close, too.

"Cum with me, babe." His voice sounds huskier than usual, and it pushes you over the edge.

He lets himself release as he feels your walls clench around him. The warm liquid fills you as he knots, keeping it all inside. His nails dig into your skin as it happens, but you barely notice during the seconds of bliss you experience.

He slumps slightly, resting his forehead on your back as he catches his breath and calms himself down. After pulling out, he takes a seat on the tree stump and pulls you into his lap, hugging you close. You cuddle into his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Your beat syncs with his as you begin drifting asleep in his embrace.

"Don't fall asleep yet, baby. Let's get cleaned up inside and get dressed. You can sleep when I drive us back." He pats your head to keep your attention.

You grumble, not wanting to get up, and mumble out an excuse to sleep now, "But then I'll miss the playlist you made again. I wanna hear it."

He stands up, carrying you in his arms, "It's a playlist, Y/N. You can listen to it whenever you want. Now, let's go, lazy butt."

You wiggle around until he puts you down, accepting your defeat. You grab the pile of clothes and follow Jaehyun into the cabin.

From the looks of it, the new owners haven't changed much at all, so walking inside feels very nostalgic. You sigh, relieved, as some part of you expected it to be entirely remodeled. Jaehyun sees your relief and smiles to himself, proud that he planned this trip. At this point, you take the lead since you know the house layout. You quickly rinse off with Jaehyun before getting dressed and heading back to the car. The water woke you up fully, so you stay awake as you both eat the food he packed and head home, singing to old favorites at the top of your lungs as the beautiful sights fly past the window in the night.

[nekomasmngr]

unwind

➳ synopsis: You wanted to be warm more than anything. After a rough day at work and the bitter weather that seemed to cloud your mood, you couldn’t wait to get home and shut yourself away from the world. But, as much as you yearned for warmth, that wasn’t the only thing you needed today.

➳ genre: slice of life, comfort to fluff, established relationship between you and Suga!

➳ warning: just in case, there are mentions of being overworked and exhaustion, fidgeting behavior, self-deprecating thoughts, signs of an upcoming breakdown, post timeskip!suga, patient and loving suga <3

➳ word count: 3.861k

➳ a/n: here’s my sfw secret santa gift for @bugmomwrites !! this was a joy to write and i think i have a thing for writing long one shots for suga and i’m really glad you enjoyed reading this! posting this on record cause im quite proud of it hehe (っ◔◡◔)っ

Warmth. 

That was all you had in mind. It was all you needed. 

Feet were being dragged as you trudged along the side of the road. Adjusting your form that was bundled up in layers to trap your own body heat. Yet, every step you took, every breath you released; warmth just kept escaping you. 

Your mind felt so muddy. You fidget and flex your fingers to try to keep them from freezing stiff from the brisk blow of the cold air, yet you had your attention recalling the events that occurred earlier in the day: the mistakes, the slip ups, and the lectures you got from your ever so judgemental inner critic. You’ve probably spent most of your energy making sure to get through the day as best as you can even if it meant feeling more overworked and exhausted than usual. 

Today wasn’t kind to you at all. You just wanted to warm yourself up with a nice bath, maybe order in some pizza and pig out on some ice cream, close the blinds on your windows and turn up a good sob story, maybe even cuddle up with your fluffy blankets and pillows—

A sharp buzz from your pocket pulled you out of your thoughts of relaxation, with a text from Sugawara that read: ‘Hey bubba! how was work? I’m almost at your place! can’t wait to see you!’

Oh no. 

It was date night with Suga. 

How could you forget?! 

Suga’s job at the elementary school demanded a lot of his time and attention. You, being the supporting girlfriend, didn’t want to be a distraction or an added burden to his job. So, you both agreed to focus on yourselves for the meantime. But, you both also decided to dedicate a night, once a week to see each other again— hence, date night.

Knowing the holidays were coming up, both of you had been assigned more tasks that usual, as the year comes to an end. Days were long and nights were lonely, weekends would be filled with other demands and unfinished deadlines. The time spent apart couldn’t be more evident that it was now and this night would be the first date you would have in weeks. You wouldn’t deny it— you missed Sugawara desperately. 

You started to think of what you both could do for date night. ‘Would he want to go out for dinner? Maybe see that new movie that was just released last week? Hm, or maybe we could catch up with some of his old friends, it is the holidays after all. Oh no, I have to change my clothes. Maybe put on a nice dress? But, it is colder at night, maybe some dress pants? Ew, that’s like going out with work friends.’ 

Your thoughts were running through every activity you could do and all the other things you needed to do to prepare for the date. An overwhelming burn rose inside of your chest, bubbling up with a mixture of excitement, panic, and nervousness. 

Another gust of wind blew through your face, biting your cheeks and nipping your nose. You were instantly reminded of the earlier weight you just had on your shoulders. The exhaustion you still felt made you think of how much energy you had already lost and how much you would have to use to get through tonight. It would take too much energy to entertain someone today, even if it was your boyfriend. 

You frowned for even thinking of cancelling date night. What kind of girlfriend would you be if you did? He might think you’d rather not spend time with him at all or worse, he might think you believe that both of you started to drift apart. 

You were slowly feeling more irritable at the different thoughts and little noises that just irked you more than they should. If you had to see Suga today, you definitely didn’t want to accidentally snap at him. Your head started to get dizzy as you kept thinking whilst fighting off your fatigue. 

Inside, you knew you missed Koushi so much. Just seeing him would probably make you feel better, with that smile of his that always brightened your day. However, you couldn’t ignore your aching muscles, the crick in your neck and the stress on your back. Your nerves were on fire and all you really wanted was for it to stop.

It seems as though your thoughts held your attention ever so fervently, because next thing you knew, you were standing right outside the door to your apartment. 

With a sigh, you squeezed your eyes shut and took a deep breath before jamming your key into the door. Stepping inside, you were greeted by a deafening silence. 

You had some coats and jackets strewn across your common area. The weather had been getting chillier lately and you had different articles of clothing available to you if ever you needed the extra warmth. A few knick knacks, memorabilia, and picture frames decorated the walls and shelves. The slight mess was homey to you. It made the place look alive and lived in, but right now it was an unearthly empty apartment. Something didn’t feel right. You didn’t know what it was, but the walls didn’t hold the warmth you yearned for. 

Frustrated at your dissatisfaction, you took a straight path to grab a glass of water that would hopefully clear your head. 

In the middle of your third glass of water, a knock at the door sounded. 

You flinched at the sound. Suga.

You mentally kicked yourself for getting distracted. You were so preoccupied with your own thoughts and feelings, you completely ghosted your own boyfriend. If only you had better focused and weren’t so bothered by every little thing that did bothered you; you would actually be a better employee or a better significant other— just someone better that deserves love. 

Dejectedly, you put down your glass and timidly inched towards the door. Opening it to meet soft doe eyes that looked at you in anticipation. Suga started out with a simple greeting and a bright smile that slightly put your aching heart at ease.

“Hey,” you replied, giving him a small smile in return. 

Entering your apartment, he started to get comfortable as you always allowed him to do so. Taking off his coat and putting down his bags, he turned to you to start the night’s activities. But you cut him off as soon as he opened his mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” your eyes casted down on the ground, both of your hands coming together to fidget with your fingers. 

“Oh, for what?” 

“I didn’t reply. I—,” with hesitation, you bit the inside of your cheek at how ridiculous you must have looked with your weak excuses, “I had a rough day and I’m just really…” Everything suddenly came rushing back to you: your thoughts of self-criticism, your slip ups at work, the cold that prickled your skin, the wasted time you spent on being preoccupied with your own thoughts, your tiredness and headaches—  all the things that seemed to drive you to your limit. 

You sounded silly with your struggle to form words without getting choked up by your exhaustion. You shut your eyes tightly to try to reset your mind and say what you wanted to say straight. 

Suddenly, gentle arms wrapped around you as you were pulled into a warm embrace. 

“Hey, hey. It’s alright.” A familiar hand rested on the back of your head and soon you rested your forehead onto your boyfriend. “It’s okay, there’s no rush, love.” 

Time seemed to stand still as you took in every bit of reassurance that spilled with his every word. Suga immediately saw your inner battle as he was attuned to most of your quirks and habits. He knew you just needed someone to hold you close. 

Unlike the present, most days, you would be filled with so much energy, just bouncing around, talking about the most random things. Bright smiles, heart-filled laughter, and matched chaotic energy exchanged between the two of you. 

You could easily ease up the most stressful days of work, where he’d come home tired from teaching the kids and administrative work for the school. But as soon as he saw you, all his exhaustion seemed to turn into more energy. You’d be so eager to listen to every word he would say about his day and he’d be just as happy to tell you all the cute little things the kids did— any sign of his own exhaustion had disspelled.

But of course, there are the days when you would be just as exhausted as he would be on those days, if not more with all the extra energy you spent trying to keep yourself together. Perhaps, today was one of those days. 

Tender lips pressed on the crown of your head. You felt soft movement against your skin as you heard your boyfriend’s kind words, “Is something wrong?”

You deeply sighed into his chest, your breath expelling heat that warmed the both of you. Shoulders and back muscles instantly relax into his strong arms. Your head slowly motions into a nod, but you don’t quite want to face him just yet. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

You bit your lip and buried your face further into Suga’s chest, shaking your head. 

He smiled at how adorable you had become and piped out a suggestion, “Hmm, how bout a nap first?”

You turned your head to look up at him, but your eyes shifted away as you saw his soft gaze. “But, date night…” you trailed off, not knowing how to say that you didn’t want to cancel on him. 

“It’s okay. You need to rest first, okay? We can talk later, but right now, take as much time as you need.”

Keeping an arm around you, he led you to your room and stopped at the side of your bed. Your own arms instinctively wrapped around your form to trap the leftover weight that lingered from the absent arms. 

“Do you need anything else?” Sugawara asked, fluffing up your pillows and opening the bedsheets up for you to slide right in. 

You took his hand and tugged him beside you; a signal for him to take a nap with you. 

As comfortable as you may have looked, with your head on his chest and your arms wrapped around his middle; your body didn’t fully relax just yet. You didn’t usually feel this shy when cuddling with Koushi. In fact, being vulnerable with each other was something you loved most about your relationship. But, there are still days when you would retreat into your own shell, when your mind kept up with your racing thoughts that only ever burned at your tired heart. 

Smooth thumbs ever so gently rubbed on your shoulder, pulling you out of the tension you were holding yourself hostage. Like a silent knock of permission, you were reminded of his overwhelming presence; the absolute love and lack of judgement that you would always be reassured of. No amount of shame, guilt, or sadness that you might feel would ever be hidden from Koushi. Just as he could never hide something from you. 

Trying to steady your beating heart from the rush of emotions that just went by you in such a short time. You slowly focused your mind on what's happening now, at that moment. 

With plush covers enveloping you, head resting on your loyal pillow and your favorite part— warm arms that led to careful hands. Suga dragged his palms slowly from your shoulder to your head. 

You felt gentle fingertips push against the middle of your brows, unaware that you had furrowed them in an attempt to make sense of your thoughts. 

“You can go to sleep, love.” Sugawara whispered, with a voice so soft and deep it was like a lullaby to your heart. With a last hum, you acknowledged his words and focused on the steady beat of Suga’s heart that hushed you to sleep.

Cold.

That was what you awoke to. 

Sitting up from your nest of blankets, you pouted at the absence of your boyfriend from your side. Stretching out your limbs from your position, you heard satisfying cracks from aching joints that have been stiffened for what felt like hours. Taking a glance at the clock on your nightstand, it had been a little over an hour since you were sent off to sleep in the sweet arms of home. 

Raising your nose into the air, you gave a whiff of something utterly delectable. Muffled sounds of padding feet and subtle rustling of metal, you suspected someone was in the kitchen area. With the thought of the mystery that was happening outside of your room, your stomach grumbled loudly as to add to the equation. 

As you entered your small common area, you were fixed on a familiar head of fluffy grey hair that seemed to float across the living space. Your boyfriend was carrying a couple of plates and glasses and arranged them on top of the placemats and utensils that rested on the low coffee table. All that was missing was the food.

Wondering if you had just imagined the earlier scent of delight, a couple of paper bags that were placed near the floor of the couch caught your eye. You perked up at the size of the bags and the likelihood of the great amounts of foods and snacks that could be inside. 

As if on cue, Sugawara greeted you with a shining smile that struck a good light into your soul. “Good morning, sleepy Bugs!” He walked towards you and gave you a sweet peck on the cheek. “How was your nap?”

“Um, it was good,” slightly suprised from the amount of affection you had just been given and from the sight before you, you remember feeling rejuvinated after that nap he suggested you take. “It was really good.” 

After having rested, you definitely felt better than you did the whole day. Suga definitely grounded you when you needed it the most and gestures like that never ceased to warm your heart at how he knew you so well. 

Fixiating your gaze on your boyfriend, you observed him unpacking your favorite foods from their packaging, placing them neatly on your dishware. 

“What’s all this?” You gestured to the set-up he had laid out on your coffee table. He gave a little shrug and looked up at you with a small smile, “I figured you would be hungry once you woke up, so I got us dinner.”

He was right once again. Your stomach cried at the sight of your favorite foods spread out infront of you.

“And since, it’s still date night. I thought we could just have a little self-care date just here.” he said as he motions to his little dinner party layout; both of you would be seated on the ground, with backs against the couch facing the television, fresh food on both your plates, a couple of bags of chips and soda on the side. It was comfy and casual, but seemed just perfect for the two of you. 

With a blanket on his lap, Suga looked up at you, head held high in anticipation of praise and a smile that lured you to sit by his side. 

“You sure you don’t want to go out?” you asked just to be sure. Your eyes locking on his, analyzing any hesitation or disappointment he might have over having to have to stay in on date night.

“Any moment spent with you is a date to me already.” He admitted with a grin. Your face scrunched at the sound of his affectionate line. You snorted until you both let out a laugh at how cheesy that sounded. “That was too cheesy, even for you.” You smiled at him. 

He whined at your tease, but quickly pushed your plates to yourselves eager to dig into your meals. 

As you ate, you conversed about what he had planned for the night, thinking of the time he must have spent devising this lovely impromptu evening. 

“We could watch a movie together,” he offered, “maybe do some skin care, what do you think of that?” 

“Skin care? You want to do that?” 

“Yeah! I want the full experience! I wanna get a fluffy headband to pull back my hair.” As if to show proof, he excitedly shook his head, making his fluffy grey hair bounce around. 

“I want to know about those uh, face washers?” he thought for a moment, turning away to take a peak at another paper bag that you didn’t notice before. “Or was it face masks? You know, to bring a little glow to the skin.” Suga said as he brought out some sheets of face masks that he must have bought when you were sleeping.

You almost awed at the sight of how enthusiastic and prepared he was. But, it was nothing unexpected of your boyfriend. Any spontaneous antics you would come up with, he’d support it either way, whether it was a surprise visit at each other’s work areas or a 2am drive to the nearest 24 hour fast food restaurant for a ridiculous craving; it was always something exciting with Koushi.

After a second to think, you answered honestly. “Yeah, we could do that. My skin’s feeling a little dry lately.” 

Immediately thinking of the other products you had that the two of you could use, but curious eyes pulled you from your thoughts as Sugawara studied your face, “Oh yeah, it does.” He leaned back and nodded, “You might need the whole treatment more than me, Bugs.” Taking a bite of food, he put on a classic innocent smile, but that could never fool you. 

How cheeky he had become all of a sudden. You groaned at his little act of mockery and gave him a sharp shove on the shoulder. 

The little joker lurched forward, spilling his food back on his plate, “Oi! I could’ve choked on my food!” he exclaimed.

“Oh, do you need some prune juice to water it down, old man? ” you retorted back at him. 

The night continued on with your customary jokes and teasing. As Sugawara planned, after your dinner, you were both seated on the couch, swaddled in your comfiest clothes and blankets. Headbands clearing any stray hair away from each other’s line of sight, as fresh face masks adorned your gleeful faces. 

It was refreshing to not have to worry about what happens next and how much energy you had to spend to act as though you were enjoying. It all just came so natural with Suga. You didn’t have to keep up a facade, like a professional one at work, thinking over each task and mistake you inevitably made and repenting for it. 

Tonight was just about the two of you. Addressing each other’s needs and soaking in each other’s genuine presence. It was a slow day, nothing extraordinary, but it satisfied you both to know the security you felt in each other. Feeling as though you were both constant in each other’s lives, especially in this age of uncertainty. 

As the night came to a close, you both retreated to your earlier position. Limbs entangled with one another, the comforting beating of each other’s hearts slowly tuning in sync. You both haven’t quite fallen asleep yet, having felt the air fill up with unsaid thoughts and yet, none were uttered as a blanket of silence covered the entire room. 

You didn’t know how long you both just laid there, but you remembered feeling the dancing fingers that were playing with your hair, halting its movements. Followed by a light poke on your cheek which brought you out of your own trance.

“Hey,” Koushi chimed in, “we forgot to do one last thing.” You hummed as you turned your head expectantly at him. 

“But we don’t have to do it, if you don’t wanna talk about it okay?” You nodded in agreement, paitently waiting for his next words.

“We haven’t talked about your day yet. How was it?”

Ah, you knew this was coming. Sugawara would never let you go to sleep without acknowledging both the good and the bad things of the day. Having spent a good 4 hours on your date night, ignoring the bad and recharging your emotional battery, it seemed like a good time to bring up what bothered you. 

In a way, this was something you were grateful for. Recounting the events of the day felt easier to talk about  now rather than how you would have expressed them earlier that evening. Allowing yourself to understand the bad things in life validated those rush of emotions you felt which didn’t seem as muddy as it was before. Which is why you would always be grateful for Sugawara for being who he was. Knowing that he knows how you work made you feel special, made you feel seen by someone who was a witness to all of the different parts of you. 

As you end your cathartic narrative, you gave your boyfriend the softest of smiles that hopefully showed how thankful you were for being able to have a safe space for your emotions.

He mimicked your look and added, “I know it’s sometimes hard to admit these kinds of things.” His smooth palms took your hand that was on his chest in the softest of grips, bringing them to his lips for a kiss. 

“But, you can always talk to me about them, alright?” 

It was in the way his eyes glowed along with the moonlight that spilled in from the window, hinted at something deeper than just ‘these kinds of things’. Trust seeped out from his gaze and into yours as you understood his real message that Sugawara meant. That he was here for anything; anything you wanted to say, anything you wanted to do, and anything you felt like—

He was here for you. 

Sugawara wrapped both of his arms around your frame for a firm embrace and poured every reassuring emotion into his hug. Making it known to you that you can always count on him to be there for you. 

Basking in each other’s arms, you savored in the overwhelming soothing warmth that you both shared. A knowing inkling chimed at the back of your head bringing to light the earlier encounter with the unknown missing presence after having entered your empty apartment.

Warmth was missing.

More importantly, Suga’s warmth. 

This was all you needed to unwind from the worldly chaos that you go through everyday. It is in his arms where you feel the safest and it’s a place you wouldn’t want to leave anytime soon. 

His actions today showed you how attentive and dedicated he was to you. Pure love and care was all that you felt while being with him today and you believed in him to be there, with just as much love and care (if not more), in the days to come.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

Spoilers up to Chapter 37 of Baghdad Waltz

Hi everyone,

I’m so very sorry for being so late with getting Chapter 38 out. Writing that Spent Brass put a delay in everything, though it was really crucial to get it posted before this next chapter.

This has been a really tough chapter to get right for me. I’ve gone back to the drawing board more than once for a couple scenes. I’m not sure when it will be out, but I’m working on it daily and making some good progress. Thank you for sending me your words of encouragement and letting me know you’re thinking of me! I’m thinking of you too and know you’re really looking forward to more. It will be a doozy, in terms of content, so I hope it’s worth the wait.

In horrifying news, BW is turning THREE YEARS OLD on March 13th. Kill me. (But not before I finish this fucking thing.)

In the meantime, here are some answers to some Asks-------

Thank you so much for the very kind words. I’m so pleased that this story checks off so many of your boxes, and I’m relieved to know that the structure and methods I’ve chosen for storytelling have lent to a balanced narrative where you can appreciate both of these characters. I figure people don’t have to like each character equally, or at all. I just really want their choices make sense, for each character to have a distinct psychology, to have each action and reaction be believable, even if it is infuriating or illogical (it can still fall within the character’s internal logic, based on their own worldview). And I am so honored that this fic can serve as some inspiration for your own. God knows I have mine I go to on the reg when my stuff sucks and I can’t string two words together to save my life.

This is a deceptively silly question, I think (because I can’t keep anything simple). Working out together would be a nice little nostalgic throwback, wouldn’t it? I sometimes pop back to earlier chapters when they were in Baghdad and think about those times with a wistful smile. I think about the way they related, the way they looked, the relative lack of complications in their lives, and it’s such a profound departure from the way things are now.

Steve obviously has kept up his gym going with Matt. We’ve also seen that working out for him is about more than just being swole and hawt; it’s about control and regulating his emotions. And for Bucky, working out used to be a way of maintaining peak fitness for his career, which was one of the ways that he evaluated his self-esteem. If he was fit, he had value. Also, if he was fit, he was sexy, and we know that sexual capability is also one of the primary currencies he uses to determine his self-worth. He also used the construction of his physique as a way to develop his masculinity, the correct form of [gay] masculinity, rather than being a twink or a sissy. This was always a struggle against Bucky’s natural slim body composition, which has become his default again now that he’s been out of the military.

Now Bucky faces a couple of hurdles to exercise, whether he would do it for health or for building his physique. He has the challenges brought about by his many injuries - compromised grip in his left hand due to his massive forearm injuries and inconsistent rehabilitation efforts, ongoing pain in his right foot and a continued limp from that, significant back and hip pain due to very heavy load bearing and overcompensation from his foot injury. This would make it challenging for him to engage in any intense fitness program. What he really needs is to go back to physical therapy, and probably occupational therapy as well, but last time didn’t go so hot last time.

Even if he didn’t have to contend with his injuries, Bucky is at a bit of a crossroads in terms of how much energy he wants to put into rebuilding and maintaining his ideal physical self, which seems to be based on some prototype he picked up long ago (more on that in a future chapter). No chest hair, no body fat, muscles, a perfectly shaved asshole at all times… But he’s not 21 anymore. He has a boyfriend now. And even though he’d probably love to go to the gym to shoulder in on Steve’s time with Matt, I wonder if he would want to go for himself anymore. I wonder if going with Steve would be intimidating or make him feel pressured to fall back into his old patterns. Because now at least he has the excuse that he can’t lift heavy, that he can’t run, so he might as well not even try. But if he could, it would be interesting to see where his path would go as a 31-year-old man.

See? You thought it would be a simple “Yeah, there’re totes gonna go to the gym together, chapter 41, stay tuned!” or “No, probs not, I don’t think he’s much of a gym goer anymore.” Alas. I give no simple answers. This is why you have to wait 5 months for a BW chapter.

This is a good observation. Bucky loves himself a good drunk pizza. He also watches a lot of food-related TV when he drinks. Bucky has had to think a lot about food for various reasons. One is building muscle and physique when his body is telling him NO I WILL NOT. One is not eating so that he can get drunk faster. One is eating the right kind of diet so that he can have anal sex without having to worry about digestive issues (constipation, feeling too full, not being ‘ready,’ too much or too little shitting), which is a thing he would take seriously a hardcore bottom. I see things like pizza as a comfort food, family food, something Winnie would get for them every Friday night after they moved to New York. It’s a very emotional food for him, but he knows it’s “bad” for all of the aforementioned reasons, because it will make you fat and slow your buzz and stuff up your colon, so he might be most inclined to eat it when deep in a bender and doesn’t give a shit about those other things. Because Bucky not only drinks to forget and manage intense emotions, but he drinks also to just relax the relentless march of self-perpetuated, often absurd rules about what and who he is and what he can and should do. So yes, Bucky has some disordered eating, most of it functional, though a lot of his lack of eating recently is likely anxiety-related and/or stomach illness-related.

Another excellent observation. For those who might need a refresher, since this was in chapter 36:

The morning after Bucky shows up at Steve’s drunk and they have sex and many revelations are made about drinking during their relationship, Bucky gets honest about what happened the day before. He tells Steve:  “I had my interview. It— I really don’t know how it went. I was so out of it. I’ve been so fucked up these past couple weeks. Just— it’s been bad. Really bad.” He tells the story of what happened at Scott’s. Steve asks why Bucky didn’t tell him he was struggling, and Bucky says that he didn’t want to get into it. Steve shifts in to talking about whether they should get back together.

I think there are a couple things here I could say. Yes, Bucky saying that he’s struggling is an example of some unusually straight-forward honesty that’s also a personal risk for himself. That’s a real measure of progress! But while I think this honesty is something that’s pretty new, the fact that he’s in a bad place mentally is not new information to Steve. I think back to the chapter before, after Bucky’s PT appointment with Luke, where he was clearly very distraught and having an extremely difficult time. Steve couldn’t get him to say what was happening then, but it was clear that it was something very major.  So I don’t think this really felt to him like a major revelation, like Bucky’s really been holding it all together perfectly while imploding on the inside. I think this observation was more like, why didn’t you just TELL me you were struggling rather than having to have me wonder and then get wasted and come here drunk? Steve has a long history of asking Bucky if he’s okay and getting the brushoff. He’s probably starting to get tired of always asking and getting shot down.

Another part of your question is also very valid - is this the right time to get into a relationship??  Haha. Ha. Well, nobody said these two were good at making relationship decisions. But on a more serious note, Bucky having struggles is not only not new information for this month, it’s not new information for their relationship. Bucky has always had a secret life of pain that Steve has had to wonder about, ask about, beg to be let into, and he probably figures that one of the best ways he can affect change is if they’re in a romantic relationship. It will let him get close, give him some leverage, etc. So although it might come off as callous, Bucky’s struggles are the rule rather than the exception, and Steve probably figures he needs to get this relationship locked down so that he can get them into therapy and much-needed help.

Of course, there’s plenty of dramatic irony here, right? Steve doesn’t know what we know, which is that what Bucky is struggling with here is the REALLY BIG STUFF. He probably just thinks it’s his usual stuff. So. We’ll see where that goes. Bucky is going to maintain this illusion for as long as he possibly can.

Yes, @pitchforkcentral86​ and I had several conversations about whether Bucky should have an animal. It’s a common trope in fic, and a joyful one to read. (Omg, I didn’t know about Alpine until now and I am thrilled!) And yes, service dogs, emotional support animals, therapy animals, pets, they can all be very healing, can provide meaning and purpose, and can also help to structure the lives of people who feel destabilized in various ways.

However, I have held back on giving Bucky an animal because a) his aforementioned history with animals, and b) I’m not sure if that’s what he needs at this point in his journey. I do really think Bucky has some sort of healing that needs to take place around animals. He loves animals. He loves nature and is a true soft boy (TM) who has been deeply hurt by his experiences. It was very inconsistent with his values to do the things he did, see the things he saw, and it’s so painful that he doesn’t know how to reconcile it.

But he’s in such a precarious place now emotionally, with such low resources, and he can barely even share the smallest pieces himself with other humans. People are a lot more complicated, yes, but animals are a lot of responsibility. He would be so hard on himself if he didn’t do a good job, if he didn’t react well to his animal companion, etc. And I think it would probably be more bang for his buck to devote that energy to trying to increasing his emotional intimacy with his partner or his sponsor or other important humans in his life who are asking for his trust. He could GO BACK TO THERAPY EVEN.  

I do think something that would potentially be helpful and pretty low resource cost is to have a therapy animal in his life, like something he could go periodically, a therapy dog at the VA or something he could visit and pet once in a while. It would be a good start.

But that’s just my thinking for this character specifically. I think service/emotional support/therapy animals are wonderful and can create incredible bridges for people to improving their quality of life.

Well, that’s all for now! I will continue plugging away at BW and will get it to you as soon as I can. Thank you, as ever, for your patience! And thank you for the wonderful Asks <3 <3 <3

[plumoh]

[FE3H] silently

Word count: 2357

Summary: In the quiet of Felix’s mind, after Gronder Field. / post chapter 17.

Note: AO3 link. Blue Lions route, referenced character death, missing scene.

Nobody approaches him while they trek back to the monastery. It’s a stupid decision to make so far into their campaign, wasting resources they could have saved had they not listened to the orders of a mindless beast. It’s a stupid decision, but Felix can’t deny that he feels the slightest bit relieved at the prospect of retaking Fhirdiad, as they should—as duty dictates them, though he will never admit it out loud. They have a more immediate objective that everyone agrees on, and rallying troops will be easier.

But for now, they are traveling in heavy silence and Felix refuses to utter a single word or to look anyone in the eye. He’s walking at the head of the party, among other soldiers who are doing their job guarding the carriages and what they contain. There is no need to try small talk and these soldiers aren’t interested in doing so anyway. It’s a quiet, eerie time.

He’s walking behind the carriage where they put his father’s body and he can’t stop oscillating between rage and grief. There is the burning, harsh grip around his heart squeezing it dry while the oppressive torpor makes his body freeze in ways he’s never felt, on the battlefield or wherever else. It’s frustrating, it’s full of nonsense, and his hand twitches for his blade to cut down entire cities.

Battling through his emotions is a luxury he’s forsaken ten years ago, so he walks, silently, numb.

***

The first to open their mouth and spout bullshit, surprisingly, is Ingrid.

“Felix, eat something,” she says like she’s approaching one of her restless horses, face marred with a frown. “There...are a lot less people in the mess hall, now.”

Less people still means there are people. For someone who is usually so composed and sharp with her words, Felix doesn’t find any comfort or reason to listen to them. He continues to stare at the pond, though night has fallen a while ago and there is nothing to see except dark waters. His eyes observe the flickering flame of the lamp on the pier, then back to the water. Not once does he look at Ingrid.

“Do you want me to bring you something?” she asks, and he hears the rustling of the clothes and the shift of her feet. “There is meat today. The professor said we deserved it after...after.”

Felix clenches his fists, more like a reflex than anything else, and exhales heavily.

“Stop wasting your time, Ingrid,” he growls, voice foreign but still his. “Go away.”

She breathes in sharply and shifts some more, like she’s unsure of her own movements and is afraid of being clumsy. Too late, Felix thinks, as he wonders what is the point of all this.

“It’s probably not what you want to hear, but...don’t do anything stupid, alright?”

“Just go away, Ingrid!”

And so she does, quietly, just as Felix lets out a wordless scream and grips his hair, unable to chase out Ingrid’s voice, hollow and pained like on that fateful day once upon a time, or the memory of Ingrid and him crying when they watched the body being deposited under the soil.

He rushes past pitiful gazes and sympathetic shakes of head to lock himself up in the training grounds.

***

His feet are sore from a week’s worth of traveling and suffering from bruises gained on the battlefield, and his arms are more lead than flesh when the doors are pushed open. The sound of his sword hitting again and again the wooden target has been ringing in his ears for the past hour, and he pretends it’s the only sound he hears.

“Did you ask Mercedes or Annette to look at you before coming here?”

Felix’s fingers curl even tighter around his sword, threatening to lose their grip every time he gives a much too vicious thrust. He focuses on the path of his blade and he imagines that the target heals itself whenever it gets injured, so that he can smash it down again in places he has already inflicted a gash before. His loud breathing is only the result of his relentless training—there is nothing justifying why else his body is so heavy and his mind so foggy.

He watches every dent he makes in the target instead of meeting Sylvain’s eyes, who is without a doubt staring at him.

“Sorry, stupid question, you don’t need help.”

His hands twitch and another flavor of fury blooms in his chest, but he doesn’t rise to the bait. Sylvain has always been like this; his foolish smile covers all the poisonous words that he embellishes with compliments and unnecessary wording, and when he drops all pretenses, he wants to be heard.

Except Felix doesn’t want to listen.

“I’m just going to sit there, then. In case you tire yourself and decide to sleep on the floor and decay.”

Felix turns to another dummy and keeps going, only seeing from the corner of the eye Sylvain casually sitting down on the step. He almost expects him to sprawl on the ground, elbows propped up, but Sylvain does nothing of the sort and watches, in silence. Felix ignores him—with a sword in hand and a definite target there is no need to pay attention to anything else, to anything that is not of significance. His ankles are aching and his wrist is burning, but if he stops, everything else will. Swinging his blade around is familiar; there is a purpose, something he can do and accomplish like he was born for it.

Sweat is trickling down his chin and into his eyes and his hair is sticking to his forehead, a rush of adrenaline fueling every single one of his moves like he’s fighting for his life and needs to take down the invincible enemy standing in front of him. Time has little importance when the blood pumping in his head drown nefarious thoughts and pointless musings.

However strong he wants to appear to be, however resilient he truly is, his arm finally lets him down and he drops unceremoniously his sword, just as his knees give out and he crumples on the ground, panting but hissing, hands curled into tight fists. It’s never enough—even at a losing point, even when his muscles are painfully pulling him in every direction and none at the same time, he feels he has to keep going for the clarity of his mind. He tries to push on his feet and his hands but he only pathetically falls down again, drained from energy that was long gone already.

Boots enter his field of view and he’s physically too tired to push Sylvain away.

“You knew this would happen, why are you so stubborn?” he asks without anger, though his tone of voice doesn’t appease Felix in the slightest.

“Shut up,” Felix snarls, still refusing to look at his face.

“I just want you to take some rest. Your arm won’t be wielding a sword any time soon if you keep being one-track minded for training.”

Speaking with Sylvain is odd, often infuriating and definitely unwanted at times. He always prods and forces people into corners they don’t like. Felix has known him long enough to recognize his tactics, but it also means Sylvain knows exactly what buttons to push. Stubbornness is a trait that the four of them share and it’s not pretty, sometimes.

“Leave me alone.” Felix grows agitated and even more frustrated, clenching his fists until he can’t feel them anymore. His knuckles scrape against the ground.

“Felix, I know exactly what you’re going to do. I didn’t do anything when Glenn died, so I’m not watching you destroy yourself even further.”

Sylvain doesn’t recoil or so much as flinch, even when Felix finally jerks his head up and pins him with his darkest glare.

“Fuck off Sylvain, can’t you obey once in your life?”

He perfectly knows that he can’t see clearly; he perfectly knows what he’s feeling. But Sylvain, just like Ingrid, thinks they know better and won’t let him handle the matter himself, as if they were more qualified to examine his own mental state.

“I’m not going to say anything else,” Sylvain sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Just go to sleep. You haven’t slept much when we were traveling back to the monastery. Ingrid and I are only asking that you take care of yourself.”

“Of course you both are in this ploy.”

Invoking his brother’s name is the one thing that makes Felix’s blood boil and his hand reach for his sword without thinking about the consequences. Sylvain is purposely doing this and the fury that’s consuming Felix gets fiercer and fiercer, uncontrollable like the fire that was ravaging Gronder Field.

“I said my piece,” Sylvain says distantly. “Unless I haul you into your bedroom, you’re going to stay here and your injuries will get worse.”

“I don’t need your fucking help.”

“Should I get Annette? She’s not going to judge you.”

She’s going to fuss over him and that’s probably worse, but Felix says nothing and pointedly looks at anything but Sylvain. And Mercedes is going to look at him with compassion or pity in her eyes, and at this point every option sounds awful so Felix exhales heavily, and drags a hand across his face. All the bones in his body have turned into mush and exhaustion suddenly drapes over his shoulders, like it waited for him to run out of escapes to manifest.

“I’m not going to get much sleep anyway,” he mutters.

When he glances at Sylvain, he sees a tired smile on his lips.

“I know.”

He resists only on principle when Sylvain helps him up, since he logically knows he won’t be able to on his own. He hates how predictable he can be, how easy it is to break the barriers he’s set around himself, but Ingrid and Sylvain naturally know how to smash them after seeing parts of him that nobody else did.

The walk to the dormitories is a long one, filled with the usual silence that settled in his head since Gronder Field—there is silence even when all he wants to do is scream and yell his rage.

The three of them are still sleeping in the same rooms as before, so he’s not surprised to see Ingrid waiting for them in front of his room, despite his earlier outburst. She looks upset, and she clearly has something to say, but her lips purse in a thin line as she ushers them inside.

“Sit on the bed.”

He does as he’s told grudgingly, and lets them clean and wrap his injuries as best as they can, Ingrid settling on the floor and Sylvain standing next to him. None of them has trained enough in faith spells and that’s something they should rectify; they can’t always rely on their magic-oriented friends, who can’t be healing everyone right and left. Ingrid at least has taken the time to learn the basics and she’s casting Heal after Heal, while Felix decided that sending people into seizures would be much more suited to his style. It’s ridiculous to think about the specifics of their abilities so far into the war, when they could have taken the time to polish their skills when they weren’t literally racing against time.

In the end, the injuries aren’t that serious and it’s mostly rest he needs, apparently, so he goes through the treatment in a daze and listens to Ingrid’s and Sylvain’s breathing. Everyone has calmed down in a few minutes, and the fact he’s clamming up undoubtedly plays a role in it, too. Nothing is going like he feels it should, nor does he feel like he’s himself at that moment, surrounded by his two most trusted friends while the third one (the one who lost the right and is trying to regain it) is fuck knows where doing whatever. He closes his eyes; in all honesty, he hasn’t been feeling like himself for the past week.

“He fucking died for the boar. Like a selfish bastard.”

The words leave his mouth bitter, coated in venom, but his voice is muffled. It’s the first time he said those words aloud—they have haunted him and kept spinning in his head without him actually acknowledging them. It doesn’t feel liberating. It’s crushing him with the weight of reality and the accompanying unfairness of it all strangles him with misery.

“All he was thinking about was keeping him safe, and doing his duty or whatever. I hated him so fucking much.”

They don’t ask him who he’s referring to, and deep down he doesn’t know who he really is accusing, but the truth remains that only grief is left with him.

“We’re sorry, Felix,” Ingrid whispers, placing her hand on his.

“I don’t—need to hear it,” Felix chokes up, bringing his other hand up to uselessly cover his face.

“Probably not, but we still are.” Sylvain squeezes his shoulder, gently.

He doesn’t want to think about it, lest all the anger and the sadness overwhelm him and render him unable to conceal all this mess of emotions. His shoulders shake and his breath quivers, and the noises of his sobs are ragged, dragging out every particle of pain that he desperately tried to quash down. Losing control in front of Ingrid and Sylvain happened, before, and this time like many others they simply stand beside him, wordlessly. He doesn’t need their pity and their hopes, because he knows exactly what is expected of him.

He will bury these feelings and these thoughts deep inside his heart, and carry on. Dwelling on the dead will only bring ghosts he has kept at bay for many years—what is the point of summoning them to his side when the living still has so much to lose?

He will be fine. His father left a legacy he’s not sure he wants to inherit, but that is something to ponder on later, after his tears dry and his hatred quells.

[alcego-writes]

Writing With ADHD

Writing is hard at the best of times, but when you have to add your brain to your list of obstacles, it gets exponentially more difficult. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it! Like most things, it just means you have to find a way to write that works for you.

I am notoriously ADHD. For the majority of my writing experience, I have done nothing but write short snippets of something and then disappear into obscurity because that was all I could manage to do. However, recently I’ve been able to spend time trouble-shooting my writing experience and that’s been a godsend. I’ve been writing consistently (at least four days a week) since mid-September of this year, something that was previously unthinkable. In that time, I’ve written roughly 82,000 words across several projects, which is more than I’ve written in my entire life, let alone over such a short span of time.

I’m not saying this to brag, although I am certainly proud of this, but to say that it is possible to write with ADHD. It is possible to write a lot with ADHD. And it is possible to write without being in agony with ADHD.

It’s not an easy process, as what works for writers without ADHD may not work for you, or may need to be tweaked considerably to work for you. So here I’ve broken down a few issues that I struggled with, as well as some ways to overcome those issues. (Note: These may not work for you, or may need to be changed to work for you. Don’t worry about that! All that matters is you’ve found a way to write that works for you.)

Inspiration Overload

You know what I’m talking about: when you’ve got one great idea, but before you can make any real headway on the project you get another great idea, but before you can get started on that you get yet another great idea, and so on and so forth. It happens to the best of us, and it doesn’t have to get in the way of progress!

Obviously there are a ton of ways to overcome this, but for this post I’m just going to focus on these three:

Idea Dumps

Multiple Projects

Work It In

1. Idea Dumps

It’s not exactly an attractive name, so apologies for that, but it does mean roughly what it says. Personally, I have two idea dumps: one is a Scrivener document where I jot down loose lines of inspiration or basic ideas. The other is a notebook where I loosely outline ideas so I can appease the side of my brain that demands I work on it right-now-immediately.

Obviously, there’s more options than just that. You may find that sticky notes or a legal pad or a Google Doc or the notes program on your phone works better. That’s fine! Just get the idea down, so you won’t have to worry about forgetting it and you get a little bit of satisfaction knowing you’ve gotten some work done on it.

2. Multiple Projects

If you can manage it, pull up several documents. Write down the idea and bounce between the docs as your inspiration shifts. This does require some self-control, namely knowing how many WIPs you can actively work on at the same time (and when you need to shift something onto the back-burner). 

This will look different for everyone. For me, I can work on two projects at a time when time and energy allows, but as soon as mid-terms/finals/holidays come into play, I have to shift my focus to one WIP or risk burning myself out.

Play with it! Look at your history of WIPs. When has it been the easiest for you to write? The hardest? Apply that to your writing routine and tweak it as needed until it works for you.

3. Work It In

This doesn’t work for all ideas, but finding ways to include a heist narrative in your vaporwave novel can be an incredibly rewarding feeling. To do this, consider your active WIP and the new idea you have. What does the new idea have that the other is lacking? Can the new idea be shaped to fit into the active WIP? 

For example, I developed the concept for my sci-fi novel from two different ideas. One was a young woman who doubled as a superhero trying to take down a corrupt government, and the other consisted of three clearly defined characters who lacked anything resembling a plot. By merging the two, I gave that WIP a well-rounded cast and ensured that those three characters didn’t waste away in my idea dump doc without ever getting a plot.

It’s trial and error, but it can work!

What the Fuck is a “Routine”

I don’t know about y’all, but I cannot function without a routine. I also struggle to establish anything resembling a routine without a lot of struggling. It’s hard! It’s difficult to do anything, let alone create a method of going about your day that leads to consistent productivity.

The biggest thing that helped me get a routine was to stop thinking about it as a rigid, immovable thing. Routines can be that, yes, but for me it was impossible to create a routine without trying to track my every task down to the minute. Which, if you’ve ever tried a routine like that and started falling behind, is a slippery slope.

Instead, make a list of the things you want to do every day, or every week, or every month. Look at the ones you want to do right now, and focus on doing those on a regular basis. Once you’ve worked that one thing into your day and can do it without struggling overmuch, you can start focusing on adding another.

For example, I wanted to write consistently. Not every day, but at least every week. And I wanted to have something to show for that, so I would be able to look back and say, “Hey, I’ve been doing good!” So I grabbed a sticky note, wrote the date on the top, and listed every day of the week on a different line. Each day I wrote something, I wrote the word count on the sticky note. At the end of the week, I totaled up what I wrote for the week and then stuck it in the front cover of my writing notebook.

I’ve spoken with people who take their planner/calendar and put one sticker per thousand words on the day they wrote (e.g. on November 28, I wrote 2,000 words, so I would put two stickers on November 28). You might grab a clear jar and some cotton balls/marbles/little rocks and put one in for every thousand words, or enter it into a writing program that tracks that for you. Whatever works!

The point of this is to give yourself a reward system. What I outlined above is a form of reward system, where you can see your efforts clearly and on paper. This is more effective for me than telling myself I can’t get on Tumblr/read/listen to a podcast until I’ve written x number of words, but there are different strokes for different folks. Play around with it, and find a way to reward yourself for your work! (Your brain will appreciate the dopamine boost, I guarantee it.)

Once you’ve added a few things to your daily/weekly/monthly tasks, you’ll have a routine! I like to break down my tasks as little bullet-points on a notepad so I can cross them out when I get done. (Right now my lists look like 1. Write, 2. Algebra HW, 3. Sociology HW, 4. Eat, if that gives you any idea of my priorities.

Burnout

This shit sucks!! You write 5k in one sitting and then nothing for the next eight months (I’m totally not speaking from experience... that would be.... ridiculous). It’s really disheartening, as it feels like you’ve lost all creative ability. You go to write but words Won’t Happen. The ideas don’t just turn stale; they disappear entirely.

It happens. Unfortunately, it does. Some people may call it writer’s block (which I could do an entire post about on its own, as it comes in so many different shapes and sizes) but in the end, all that matters is you Can’t Write.

Before you decide that writing just isn’t for you, take a moment to consider why you’ve burnt out. What external factors (school, work, social obligations) affected you? Were any internal factors (mental health, illness, bad break-up, etc.) getting in the way of your work? Is there anything you can do to ease those challenges?

You might be surprised to notice a few patterns. For example, I always struggled to write during a flare-up, or when my mental health got bad, or when school and work collided in disastrous ways. There isn’t always something you can do to fix those things, but just knowing that there’s a reason can be helpful.

Also, take note of when you start getting your mojo back. When do you notice the first ghostly shape of an idea taking form? When do you start itching to write? Music, relaxation, and days off can have a significant effect on your creative cycle.

In fact, your creative cycle will almost definitely insist you take days off. There’s a reason I don’t hold myself to more than 4 days of writing a week, and that’s because I know my limits. My idea-brain needs time to recharge, even if I can occasionally go weeks at a time without taking a break. (Which, for the record, usually results in burnout.)

Be kind to yourself. Take note of your patterns and play into them. Take time off, force yourself to write on the days when you know it’s just hell-brain throwing a tantrum, remember to eat and drink. You’d be surprised by how often burnout coincides with a decline in self-care.

Consistency

Routines aren’t all that matter. Consistency is key, and not for any of those bullshit “you’re not a real writer unless you write every day” reasons. Momentum is incredibly helpful, and you can’t build that unless you’re also developing good habits.

Routines can help build momentum, but the crux of it all lies in self-discipline. AKA ADHD hell.

Reward systems can help, as can accountability systems (like posting your writing progress every week...), but the biggest change for me was not any of that.

It was letting myself write badly, and celebrating those words anyway.

Sounds odd, right? Why would I celebrate what is objectively bad? It’s because a combination of ADHD-brain and my upbringing led me to develop a paralyzing case of perfectionism. What’s the point of writing it unless you do it perfect?

It’s better to write it badly and make sense of it later. As the saying goes, you can’t edit a blank page. Write badly. If you need to, turn the text the same color as the background so you can’t obsess over the quality. Write in Comic Sans (which is a very good font, but also incredibly difficult to take seriously) or something that you can’t read easily. Find a way to write garbage and then celebrate it. Celebrate the number, or the fact that you’ve gotten the dumbest version out and it can only get better from here.

By doing that, you allay fears of perfectionism. Practice makes perfect, and practice means several drafts, many of which will hurt to read. You’ll get better the more you write, and the more you write the easier it will be to push through the scenes that aren’t working. Hell, get into the practice of using brackets when you can’t think up the scene, or need a name, or need to do research, and just keep writing. No matter what, keep that momentum going.

If you need an outline to avoid getting lost, do that. If you need to feel free to explore the story without restraints, do that. Just write. Keep writing. It’s bad? Keep going. Your ideas will change; adapt to the new concept and make a note to yourself to fix the earlier aspects later. Keep going. 

And there’s obviously more I can go on about, but these are the main things that helped me. (Apologies if the text gets thick at times. Writing is one of those things I can talk about forever when the mood strikes.) Please let me know if there’s anything else you want to know! If you have any questions, feel free to pop into my ask box! I’m happy to chat.

[necromaniackat]

I AM NOT FATPHOBIC

I know at this point in my blogging career I’ve gotten the reputation of being “fatphobic” but let me tell you something; I used to be fat. I used to be an overweight social justice warrior scrolling through tumblr, self diagnosing myself with all these mental illnesses. Guess what happened: I grew up. I learned what the real world is like and I learned it all first hand. Let me tell you a few things I learned about the real world.

1) Yes, people treat you differently. People tend to be harsher on people who are bigger rather than someone who’s a normal size or even someone who’s underweight. WHY?! Because, you are not seen as conventionally beautiful or appealing. There are some very beautiful overweight people but the majority isn’t beautiful. It takes an upwards of 2,000 calories a day to maintain your weight so if you’re 200+lbs and gaining then that means you’re consuming more than the recommended daily calories. That means if you’re gaining, say 5lbs in a week, you’re eating enough food for two or three people. People don’t pity you because you see what you’re doing to yourself and you demand to be considered beautiful. People like Eugenia Cooney are seriously mentally ill, who don’t see the damage they’re doing to themselves. Yes, I recognize people who are overweight have the same type of mental illness but let’s not kid ourselves. The majority doesn’t have that type of mental illness.

2) There is no such thing as medical fatphobia. I would know, I used to be fat. I was 147lbs at 4′7. I was severely overweight during my late teens. I also had the beginnings of MDD and bipolar disorder. When my doctor told me my depression would lessen if I lost weight and started to eat right, I did that and I started to feel better. My meds also worked a bit better.

Also my grandmother was morbidly obese. She was bed ridden for YEARS. I used to go to her doctor’s appointments with her and my mom. Please note my grandmother is a polio survivor so that affected her health as well. When I was around 4/5 years old my grandmother overdosed on her medications; we don’t know if it’s suicide or an accident. My mom and I have had many conversations about this issue and we both agree that if my grandmother had lost a significant amount of weight then she may still be alive. He quality of life would’ve improved so much. I asked my mom if my grandmother ever experienced “fatphobia”, my mom told me that if anything she was coddled for being as heavy as she was. She got high dosages for medications and was a doctor’s wet dream so to speak.

3) Your loved ones pay for your weight. Going off of my grandmother’s experiences as a morbid obese person, I’m going to add the effect it had on her family. My mom was a single mother looking after three kids -two under the age of six- on top of working full time, on top of having to look after my grandmother because my grandmother couldn’t look after herself. My mom put her life in danger every time my grandmother fell and she had to help lift her up. My grandmother weighed 500+lbs when she died and the last time she fell the firefighters literally told my mom not to try to lift her up because my grandmother could crush her to death.

My grandmother also didn’t get a chance to play with her grand kids the way a normal grandparent should. 90% of the memories I have with my grandmother are stationed in her bed. She was 62 when she died and my little sister doesn’t have any memories with our grandmother, and me and my older brother only remember the times she fell or was in her bed. It’s not fair to any of us that those are the memories we have of her. She was so much more than just her weight but at the end of her life all her troubles were caused by her weight. She was a special needs teacher and a middle school teacher. She taught for 25 years. I miss my grandmother every day. It’s not fair that she died so young.

4) Enablers. Cut those fuckers out of your life. If they loved you they would want you to be healthy. It doesn’t matter if it’s mentally, emotionally or physically; if they loved you, they would want you to be the best version of yourself. When I was overweight I found I was most miserable when I was surrounded by people who enabled my behaviour. They didn’t care that I was slowly killing myself. If somebody loves you, they’ll want you to be healthy. If that means they’re “mean” to you.

When my depression was at a low point my uncle showed me zero pity because I wasn’t doing anything to help my situation, I wanted to wallow in myself damnation and bring everyone in with me. He hated the person I was because he knew I could be such a better version of myself and he kicked me in the ass to become that person. At the time I despised him to my very core but today, I love and understand him and his methods.

5) Social media. Oh my God! Where do I even start with this one? Let me start with, you’re not untouchable. The F/A is an echo chamber of people pulling the wool over each other’s eyes. If you love someone, you tell them the fucking truth. If you hate someone, you tell them the fucking truth. If I get made fun of for being short then you get made fun of for being fat because that’s the truth. I’m abnormally short and you are abnormally large. Social media is the viper’s den of the world, you’re not safe. People are going to make fun of your weaknesses and if you’re fat, you’re going to be made fun of for being fat. Simple.

The F/A throws a temper tantrum when their delusional bubble is burst. Being fat is unhealthy and not pretty to look at. Now, I know what you’re going to say “if you don’t like it don’t look at it then”. But as soon as I voice an opinion you just have to look at the post, click my blog, look through my blog and then message me rude things. “But Kat, that’s hypocritical of you.” I KNOW! I’m not untouchable either and I realize you have your right to send me those messages, but I’m not holding a gun to your head and telling you to waste your time. This is where your delusional bubble bursts. If you’re going to message me horrid things, I’m going to ask just this one thing of you, don’t do it on anon. Show me that you have a thick skin and can deal with people having opinions that make you uncomfortable. 

6) Habits. I know the F/A is going to use smokers as a scapegoat. Let me just tell you, I begged and pleaded my family to quit smoking when I was a kid. But as I grew up I realized people needed their coping mechanisms or habits that they do. For me, I have a smoke when I go out on the town. I also pre-game. I have the terrible habit of drinking energy drinks. They’re not good for you but I moderate my consumption. If I drink a red bull one day, I go two days without coffee. When I was 147lbs my diet consisted of deep fried pizza and junk food but I also did zero exercise. I wasn’t moderating my habits. 

Also using food as an emotional coping mechanism is not cool. You shouldn’t do that because food isn’t meant for that. The same way alcohol isn’t meant for it or working out. You need to deal with your baggage. You need to face your shit and deal with it another way so you can get your head on straight and deal with your weight. Am I saying adapt an eating disorder? No! Eating disorders are a mental illness not a lifestyle.

Anyways, that’s my opinion on F/A and such. My inbox is open and all I ask is for you to not use anon if you want to give me hate. You can’t change my mind.

[hopefullygoodrpgideas]

Last time I wrote about three common types of healing magic and the problems they can have. https://hopefullygoodrpgideas.tumblr.com/post/182779836494/healing-magic-in-rpgs-generally-takes-three-forms

Today I’m going to propose a different type which I believe to be somewhat novel which has different problems to those other ones and thus broadens the scope of options that can be used. I don’t consider it perfect. But it’s a different kind of option. Also disclaimer: this won’t homebrew perfectly into every system. If you only know D&D it might not work great for you.

Healing that works almost perfectly.

D&D-style healing can bring you from the brink of death to flush with life in only a few seconds. This can do that too. But there’s reasons you might not want to. Physical consequences: this version works well and healing that much that fast is possible but with power and speed comes a trade-off of accuracy. If you heal too much health too fast, say 50% of health or more in a single minute, there’s something wrong. Maybe it formed a thick scar that stiffens that whole arm, maybe that bone set strong but wonky, maybe you accidentally fused those two splinted fingers together. This always imposes a stat penalty (GM discretion as to what) which can’t be fixed with more of the same. It either has to heal naturally or be assisted with slower, more gentle magics. So, it can be cleared up but only with a few weeks of downtime. This means you can totally heal people fast, but there’s going to be a significant penalty as a result, probably for a while. So unless you really have to, you’re better off only topping people up a bit, but if you have to, a penalty Dex is better than dying. Works well with slow healing also being an option so if you know you can camp safely overnight you can heal that same amount of damage, but you gotta be there for 12 hours and move very little.

Mental Consequences: You know that horrible itch you get when a wound slowly heals? Imagine that, but compressed into the time it takes magic to do that, so it’s just excruciating pain for a minute. And also you’ve just been stabbed which generally doesn’t put people in a good headspace. In the real world we have words for repeat application of intense pain under stress and one of those is Torture. Which is bad. It’s not an instant result, but if the end result of every fight is you get stabbed a bunch and then have to experience the horrible feeling of getting put back together and that’s just your day job, that’s gonna take a toll. You don’t get to block out stuff that strong without blocking much more as well. And if you can’t block it, that’s gonna be horrible too. I do not advice this approach in a system with no pre-existing insanity rules or similar though. Making those from scratch is gonna be a lot of work and I think it’s important that there’s mechanical consiquences. Or you quit and get a job that has a steady income, reasonable hours and less mandatory torture which fortunately is most of them.

Physiological Consequences: I’ve heard lots of people talk about magical healing addictions and that’s neat but I want to take a different medicine-inspired approach: dependency. Your body learns over time that it doesn’t need to heal things, because it’s gonna be instantly and perfectly fixed every time anyway, so why are we wasting energy producing coagulant? So every time after the first that you receive magical healing within a week, you have to make a role to see whether it’s happened to you. If it does, your body has decided that it doesn’t need to care about healing anymore in favor of important things like evolutionary fitness and reproductive strategies. So, there’s no more coagulant. Once you bleed you’re gonna keep bleeding. Which might not matter. It’s only a paper cut, right. But then it happens again and the problem gets worse. And now that wound won’t close on it’s own ever. But it’s only an eternal and ever-bleeding papercut right? And then it happens a third time and your body forgets how to make more blood altogether. And now you can just straight up die of that papercut. Because it’s gonna bleed until you run out of blood to bleed out of it unless you get even more healing. And more serious injuries, be they from combat or accident, can be life threatening within minutes when they’d only want bandages and stitches before. Of course, this is all irrelevant because you can just keep healing those, right? But now you need to burn that magic on papercuts, hangnails, grazes, bruises and the like. Because that’s a life threatening injury. Which means that wand won’t last nearly as long as you thought it was going to, especially once this happens to everyone. And should you decide to stop being an adventurer? That’s gonna seriously cut down your healing access. But tough shit because otherwise you’re gonna die because you bit your tongue. And remember how you don’t know how to make blood? That stuff wears out. You need magic or transfusions every single months now. Forever. Have fun with that.

[parkkjiminssi]

Someday Chapter 3.

pairing: idol!jimin x idol!reader

genre: fluff, angst

summary: Y/N just moved to Seoul after being selected and offered a contract to become a trainee at an entertainment company. Her first day was going well until she decided to roam around an unknown city on her own and gets herself into some trouble. Lucky for her an unexpected man comes to her rescue.

warnings: a bit of self neglect

a/n: okay so I might start throwing in random ships throughout the story. Some might stick and some might not, depending on how you, my readers, and I feel about it. I kind of want everybody to have a happy ending on this story lol. I don’t think everybody will be shipped but like I said before, it depends how I feel about it and if it’ll go with the story. We’ll see! Also, I am aware that maybe these things don’t actually happen in Hit The Stage but I’m learning as I go and I think it makes the fanfic more fun. So here’s chapter 3, sorry it took me a while, real life is kicking my butt. Don’t forget to leave me your comments and suggestions. I’m taking requests too! See you next time!

Namjoon just couldn’t believe what he was reading. No, he wasn’t against Jin having any sort of romantic relationships. It’s just, he would’ve appreciated if Jin would’ve given everyone a heads up about it. That was it, right? To be completely honest, that wasn’t it. Namjoon was worried about Jin, worried about how people would react about all of this. If his Hyung indeed had a relationship, then he was going to support him a hundred percent. The thing was that dating someone while being an idol could cause problems, he had seen it too often before. Where fandoms started saying comments, threats or attacking the significant other of the idol, driving them to break up. He knew that ARMY wasn’t like that but he couldn’t help worrying about that, he didn’t wanted for Jin to get hurt. Namjoon had to talk to Seokjin about all of this if he wasn’t going to say anything.

He pulled out his phone and texted Jin, asking him where he was. After a few minutes, his phone dinged with Jin’s reply. He was in the living room. Slowly he stood from he chair he was sitting on and made his way to the said room. When he arrived, he found his older brother watching a movie. Luckily he was alone, making it easier to talk about this whole issue.

Jin quickly noticed his friend’s arrival and waved with a smile. “Hey, RM. What’s up? Your text message worried me a little.”

“I wanted to ask you about something I saw.” Namjoon said as he took a seat next to him, pulling out his phone. “Look.” He handed the phone over to Jin, leaving the it on the post he had seen earlier.

Jin scanned it and after a couple of seconds he bursted our laughing. “Seriously, Namjoon? You know these websites are always making up stuff.” He said wiping away a tear.

“Yes I know that,” Rap Monster replied as he brushed his fingers through his hair. “but that wasn’t what I wanted to ask. I want to know if this time it really is just made up or if there’s some truth behind it?”

Jin was taken aback by the question, taking long to answer. “Namjoon, I—“

“Guess what guys!?” Jimin interrupted as he entered the room with Jungkook and Taehyung trailing behind him. Jin quickly shut his mouth, while Namjoon shot daggers to Jimin.

“Uh, did I interrupt something?” Jimin asked, scratching his cheek nervously. Namjoon just shook his head and motioned for him to continue. “Um, right... so guess who just got asked to join Hit The Stage?!” Jimin asked, the excitement coming back. “Me!”

Jin stood up to give his friend a congratulatory hug. “Wow Jimin-ah, really? I’m so happy for you!” Namjoon gave Jin a ‘we’ll talk later’ look, causing Jin to gulp, before going over to congratulate Jimin. The boys waited for Hoseok and Yoongi to arrive to break the news to them and celebrate altogether.

“So when does the show start?” Tae asked as he took a sip from his coke.

“They said next week all of the artists participating will get together to start promotions.” Jimin replied, taking a bite out of his fried chicken.

“I’m glad that this is happening just after we finished our comeback shows and promotions, that way you don’t have to be worrying about being in two places at once.” Namjoon added, as always concerned for the well being of his fellow members.

“Yeah, it’s over now.” Jimin’s tone changing from excited to nostalgic. Jungkook quickly picking up on this.

“If it really bothers you so much, you could’ve asked for her number.” He said teasingly.

“What are you talking about?!”

“Oh, nothing...” Jungkook said as he rolled his eyes.

You laid on your bed listening to music. Your thoughts were everywhere and you were trying to sort them. So many things had happened these past few weeks and so many things were about to happen. You considered yourself so lucky for all the opportunities that had been coming your way. Suddenly, his face appeared in your head and you couldn’t help but smile. Your head was now flooding with thoughts of him and the moments you both shared during the shows the two of you attended. That time when he gave you a bottle of water after your performance with his bright smile, so you returned the favor on the next show and did the same. Everytime the show was ending and all of the groups gathered upstage to announce the winner, he always always made sure to stand next to you. That one time they were supposed to be blocking their performance and your group was next after his, but there was technical problems so they had to wait and he sat next to you and started a conversation. This time around language wasn’t a problem. Not to mention the discreet looks and smiles that you interchanged with each other.

“Why are you smiling?” Scarlett asked as she entered the room you both shared, bringing you back down from the clouds.

“I’m not smiling.” You lied, covering your face with your blanket.

“Uh, yes you are and it’s creepy. Ah! Don’t tell me you’re thinking about Jimin!” She jumped on top of you and started poking your cheeks. “You like him.”

“Jimin who? I don’t know him.” You didn’t like him, right?

“Yeah, right...” She said with a roll of her eyes. “So, when does Hit The Stage start?”

“Next week I’m getting together with the rest of the contestants to start promotions.” You said stifling a yawn.

“And why are you not excited about this?” Scarlett asked, noticing your not so happy attitude.

“No no, I am! Really. I’m just... afraid, I think.” You sat up, pushing Scarlett off you.

“Afraid of what, Y/N? You’re definitely an amazing dancer, why else would they had selected you?” She protested, picking herself off the floor and giving you a look that she’ll get back at you for this.

“That’s just it. I’m afraid I will not do good and get kicked out right away.” You said, bringing your knees to your chest.

Scarlett slapped the back of your head. “Y/N, I’m not going to let you give up on yourself before you even start. So pick up those dance shoes, let’s go to the studio.”

Your face softened and a smile replaced your frown. “Okay.”

The week flew by, faster than you ever thought possible. You ended up dyeing your hair again to brown, because your manager said that it would make you seem more professional. Is pink hair not professional enough? Whatever... Anyways, you made a mental note to dye it back as soon as the show was over. You had actually grown to like it. You stepped into the room where all of the participating idols had to gather in. You scanned the room but there wasn’t any familiar faces, so you just made your way to some nearby chairs and waited. Everyone knew each other, so you kind of felt out of place. You made it a point to get to know them before this whole thing was over.

After what seemed forever, the people in charge of the competition made their way through the doors. Everyone quieted down and faced forward attentively, awaiting for them to talk. Right anyone could say anything, the doors flew open. “Ah, I’m sorry I’m so late! There was a lot of traffic and I couldn’t seem to find the right building.”

You looked up to find a breathless Jimin. A smile immediately appeared on your face at the sight of him. After apologizing endlessly and being allowed to join with a warning, he scanned the room and smiled with a wave of his hand when his eyes met yours. Jimin quickly went over and sat on the empty chair that was conveniently next to you. He pointed at your new colored hair and gave you a thumbs up, approving you hair change. Your cheeks immediately flared red and you had to turn so Jimin wouldn’t notice your blush.

The crew went ahead and explained all of the details about this competition. The way it was going to work, in what order idols were going to perform and the types of dance styles that could be performed. The first episode was going to air in just a month, and Jimin and you were part of the selected idols to compete on that episode. Which gave you exactly one month to work on your dances.

“Wow, I had no idea you would be here too!” Jimin asked excitedly as soon as they dismissed everyone.

“Tell me about it! I got so happy the moment I saw you coming through the doors.” You replied with the same energy.

“Really, why?” He asked, his heart beat quickening.

“Well, because you’re my only friend here. I was so glad to see a familiar face.” You said absentmindedly.

“Oh, right. A friend.” Jimin said with a fake smile. ‘Why did that sting?’ He thought.

The theme for this episode was ‘Hope’. The contestants, including yourself, wasted no time in preparing their dances alongside with their corresponding crews. You practiced as much as you could, trying to perfect every move. Scarlett would be at your side every chance she would get, criticizing you and helping you improve. Things on Jimin’s end were going quite the same. Spending every minute in the dance studio, making sure that his routine was impeccable. The members helping him in anything and everything Jimin needed, and keeping a close eye on him making sure he didn’t push himself too much. But Jimin knew better. He knew when to stop and take a break. When to keep on going and how much he could push himself. When you guys weren’t practicing, you were promoting the show. Appearing on other shows to talk about it, having press conferences, having fan meet ups. Time was very tight.

There was a week left till the competition started and your nerves were getting the best of you. You spent every minute of your days and nights practicing. It got to the point where you would forget to eat because of the nerves you were feeling. A few days before the premier of the first episode, all the contestants that were participating were called to block their performances. Scarlett had offered to accompany you and you were more than glad to have her tag along.

It was your turn to block. As you got on position, you saw Jimin at the entrance of backstage giving you a thumbs up and muttering good luck. The music started playing and your body started moving along with it. The routine that you had practiced an infinite amount of times throughout the whole month was performed like it was second nature. You didn’t forget steps nor hesitated before making a move because you knew you could do it thanks to all the practice. Jimin’s eyes widened at the sight of you dancing. He had seen many people dance throughout the years, many great dancers but nothing compared to how you danced. To him, you were the most beautiful dancer he had ever seen and that’s because this was just practice. Imagine the way you’d look in front of an audience. The music stopped and you were gasping for air. “Okay, I got it. Let’s continue.” One of the crew members said, giving you the okay to get off stage and let the next idol block their routine. While you were walking off the stage, your legs started feeling wobbly. Jimin was waiting for you with a bottle of water and a towel backstage. He quickly noticed how your face seemed to be pale and how you were taking a bit longer to exit. You brought your hand to your face, your vision was clouding and you started feeling dizzy. Before you had a chance to completely step off the stage you lost consciousness. Jimin ran to you, carching you before you hit the floor and hurt yourself. His heart was pounding like crazy, he needed to get you help.

“Someone, quickly! I-I think she’s passed out!”

When you opened your eyes, you found yourself laying down on a couch in an unfamiliar room. You looked around and you saw your manager, Scarlett, Jimin and a couple of other people you didn’t know there with you.

“W-where am I?” You whispered, your dry throat making it painful to talk.

“Y/N!” Scarlett and Jimin said in unison rushing to your side.

“What happened to me?” You asked as you tried sitting up, but your friends stopped you. Scarlett handed you a cup of water.

“Its best if you don’t move. The doctor believes you might’ve fainted because you haven’t been eating properly.” Your manager answered as he headed for the door. “You need to rest for now. I will go get the car ready so we can take you back to the dorm.”

“Am I still going to be able to compete?” You asked worried.

“Y/N how can you be worried about that right now?” Scarlett asked, her tone showing clear discomfort.

“How can I not, Scarlett? You know how much I’ve been practicing, I don’t want for this to end so soon.”

“I know, but this is your health we’re talking about Y/N.” She quickly protested. “But fine, if this is what you want. I’m going to go see if the car is ready.” With that, she was out of the room.

“You have a good friend.” Jimin said with a chuckle. “She worries and cares for you.”

You rolled your eyes but nodded. “She’s my best friend. I would’ve acted the same way if this would’ve happened to her.”

“Then you wouldn’t approve of her not eating, right?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

“Of course not!”

“Then why did you do it?”

His question took you by surprise, you really didn’t expect it. “I-I, well, I didn’t do it on purpose. It’s just, I guess my nerves got the best of me. The only thing that would calm them down would be practicing the dance and I just forgot, I guess.”

“That’s not right, Y/N. You don’t know how worried I was. Everyone was! The moment I saw you collapsing, I ran to catch you. I felt really ugly inside.” Jimin confessed, slowly reaching for you hand. “You need to take care of yourself, Y/N. Don’t forget to eat.” His words left you speechless. You were so thankful for him catching you and surprised because you didn’t think he would worry that much. His hands were warm and soft, you liked this feeling. It made you feel at peace and calmed the nerves you had been feeling, but it also gave you butterflies in your stomach.

“Jimin, thank you for catching me. If you wouldn’t have been there for me then I probably would’ve ended up at the hospital with a concussion and fue sure I wouldn’t have been able to dance.” You said trying to sit up. Jimin quickly stood from where he was kneeling, helping you. “But about forgetting to eat, I mean, if I remembered to eat then I would. Sometimes I just don’t get hungry at all when I’m stressing over something.”

“Then let me remind you.” He said squeezing your hand. Using this opportunity to ask what he’s been dying to since the first time he saw you.

“How?” You said letting out a chuckle. How could he possibly do such a thing?

“Well you could give me your phone number and I could call you when it’s time to eat.” He replied, a sheepish smile growing on his features.

“What?” He kept on surprising you more with each passing minute. Park Jimin just asked for your phone number? ‘He’s just being nice, Y/N.’ You thought.

“Yes I can call you whenever it’s time to eat, that way you don’t forget. I can even take you food if you’d like! Come on, you can’t possibly refuse free food.” Jimin offered, trying to coax you into saying yes.

“Well, free food does sound good.” You said raising a brow, looking over at him. He kept on mouthing the words ‘say yes’. Your hand was still in his. This feeling, you really liked it. “Fine, okay.”

Jimin quickly let go of your hand and started jumping up and down in excitement. You laughed at him because of how funny, childish and maybe even cute he looked. Jimin didn’t care if he looked silly, because he finally had your phone number.

Scarlett walked through the streets of Seoul trying to clear up her thoughts. After her disagreement with you, she simply ran out of the building and started walking on her own back to the dorm. She felt so guilty about what had happened to you. Blaming herself for not paying more attention, for not noticing the signs. If she would’ve been on your case then maybe you would’ve taken better care of yourself, eaten when you were supposed and rest when it was needed. If she would’ve been a better friend then you would’ve never passed out. Since she was so caught up on her train of thought, she completely forgot to stay alert for paparazzis. Before she knew it they all had caught up to her, trapping her against a wall.

“Sorry, sorry. Would you guys mind letting me pass? I have some things I need to tend to, please.” She tried her best to make her way through the crowd, but they kept on coming in closer with their flashes and their questions. She tried making her way out through the people, but it seemed like they were a stone wall. Impenetrable. Scarlett felt her eyes slowly swelling up with tears, what was going to happen to her? Right when she was about to curl up in a ball and cry, she felt someone grabbing her by the hand and pulling her with great force out of the mob. The two ran as fast as they could, making turns and going through alleys. After running for what seemed hours, Scarlett looked back and saw that they had managed to lost the paps. She stopped on her tracks and snatched her hand out of the man’s hold.

“What? Did we loose them?” He asked in between pants, resting his hands on his knees.

“You didn’t have to do that, I had it all under control.” She replied with an annoyed breathless tone.

“A thank you would be nice, you know?”

“Thanks, but no thanks.” Scarlett said turning in her heels, heading in the direction of the dorm. “Like I said, I had it all under control.”

“Are you kidding? You were about to cry back there!” He said trailing after her.

“I wasn’t! Anyways, it’s all over now so you can leave me alone Jungkook.” She quickened her pace. “It might cause me problems if they see us together.”

“You? What about me? Did you forget that I just pulled you out of a mob of paparazzis? You haven’t even thanked me.” He protested, still following behind Scarlett.

“Stop following me! I said I didn’t needed your help. Now leave me alone!” She exclaimed. Why she was acting like this was beyond her. She should be thanking him for saving her, but the whole thing with you still had her in a bad mood.

“Geez... fine, have it your way!” Jungkook exclaimed as he crossed his arms, stopping on his tracks. He looked over to Scarlett who was already at a good distance and rolled his eyes. She didn’t wanted him close but he couldn’t possibly just let her walk home alone, specially at night and specially after what had just happened. Besides, the dorm was on the direction she was headed. Jungkook started walking behind Scarlett at a safe distance, making sure not to get caught but soon Scarlett noticed him.

“I told you to stop following me!” She exclaimed annoyed, not stopping.

“I’m not following you, my apartment just happens to be in this same direction!” Jungkook replied, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

Scarlett just rolled her eyes and decided to ignore him the rest of the way. She slowed down her pace and before they knew it, they were walking side by side. Several minutes passed before the two finally arrived to Moonstruck’s dorm. Scarlett quickly ran up to the door and started opening it with her key. Jungkook just turned around and started heading for his dorm.

“Hey, you! Thanks for today but no thanks because like I said, I had it all under control.” With that last statement she entered the house, closing the door behind her and heading straight for her bed.

Jungkook just huffed at her words and resumed his walking. “What a strange girl.” He whispered to himself, letting a chuckle escape his lips.

2 | 3 | 4

Someday Masterlist

Main Masterlist

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to a weekly collaboration between FiveThirtyEight and ABC News. With 5,000 people seemingly thinking about challenging President Trump in 2020 — Democrats and even some Republicans — we’re keeping tabs on the field as it develops. Each week, we’ll run through what the potential candidates are up to — who’s getting closer to officially jumping in the ring and who’s getting further away.

With everyone still waiting on former Vice President Joe Biden to decide if he’s running (and the added speculation that he might pick Stacey Abrams as his running mate), the field did see one more official entry this week. New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand transitioned her exploratory committee to a full-fledged campaign on Sunday and officially joined the groundswell of candidates in the 2020 Democratic field. She also scored her first home state endorsement from New York Rep. Carolyn Maloney. But Gillibrand is struggling to gain traction in a field that has already seen record fundraising hauls and a collection of bold policy proposals — a reminder that it’s increasingly difficult for many of the candidates running to stand out.

Here’s the weekly candidate roundup:

March 15-21, 2019

Stacey Abrams (D)

After meeting privately with former Vice President Joe Biden last week, the former Georgia gubernatorial candidate signaled that she is willing to meet with any of the Democratic hopefuls in the 2020 presidential contest, but she said she has a couple of ground rules. “My two requirements,” Abrams said Tuesday at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, according to The Associated Press. “One, you have to tell me what you’re going to do about voter suppression. And two, you have to believe Georgia is a swing state.”

Abrams, who is considering a presidential bid of her own, is — for now — returning to her roots as an organizer and promoting the nonprofit group she founded to advance voting rights, Fair Fight Action.

On Thursday, Abrams’s spokesperson Lauren Groh-Wargo addressed rumors that close advisers to Biden are pitching a pre-packaged ticket with her as his vice president. “Abrams continues to keep all options on the table for 2020 and beyond,” Groh-Wargo said in a statement to ABC News. “She has met with over half a dozen presidential contenders to discuss their commitment to voting rights and to investing in Georgia.”

Michael Bennet (D)

Although several Democratic presidential candidates have expressed an openness to expanding the number of justices on the Supreme Court, the Colorado senator literally slammed his head on a table when asked about it, according to The Washington Post. “Having seen up close just how cynical and how vicious the tea party guys and the Freedom Caucus guys and Mitch McConnell have been, the last thing I want to do is be those guys,” Bennet said, referring to some Republicans’ efforts in recent years to alter Washington rules and traditions. “What I want to do is beat these guys so that we can begin to govern again.”

Bennet, who said he’ll decide whether to officially enter the race within weeks, told the Post: “I guess I’m starting to think strongly that we need a voice in this primary that’s willing to make the kind of case that I think that I would make.”

Joe Biden (D)

For a brief moment Saturday, it appeared as though the former vice president had inadvertently revealed that he had decided to run for president: At a Delaware Democratic Party fundraiser, he said that he had “the most progressive record of anybody running.”

The audience launched into applause, but Biden quickly corrected himself, explaining that he meant “of anybody who would run.” Even so, those close to Biden, including Democratic Sen. Chris Coons of Delaware, continue to report that Biden is telling them he is all-but-certain to enter the race.

CNN reported on Monday that Biden discussed with advisers the possibility of choosing a running mate early in the primary to “keep the focus of the primary fight on the ultimate goal of unseating Trump.” That running mate might be Stacey Abrams, according to Axios.

Cory Booker (D)

The New Jersey senator this week contended with a barrage of questions about his love life. After actress Rosario Dawson confirmed to TMZ that she and Booker are dating, the former Newark mayor told Ellen DeGeneres on her show on Wednesday that Dawson “is just a deeply soulful person and has taught me a lot of lessons about love already.”

Despite the focus on his personal life, Booker managed to resurface an issue that had fallen out of the news a bit when he indicated he was willing to consider eliminating the filibuster.

“I’m going to tell you that for me that door is not closed,” he said on “Pod Save America” on Wednesday.

Booker will return to the trail this weekend, making his third campaign sweep through South Carolina since officially declaring his candidacy for president.

Steve Bullock (D)

The Montana governor, who is still deciding whether to enter the presidential race, traveled to Iowa to support state Senate candidate Eric Giddens, who won a special election on Tuesday.

Bullock sat with Giddens over beers last weekend, according to Politico.

Bullock’s trip to Iowa will be followed by a visit to another early primary state, New Hampshire. Bullock is expected to celebrate New Hampshire Senate Majority Leader Dan Feltes’s birthday in Concord on Sunday, according to the New Hampshire Union Leader.

Pete Buttigieg (D)

Over the weekend, Buttigieg, who is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, qualified for the first Democratic debate — hitting the 65,000-donor threshold.

In an appearance on MSNBC, Buttigieg made his case for why a mayor of a city of 100,000 people should be president. Buttigieg said becoming president is “a tremendous leap for anybody,” adding that he thinks “this is an executive position that requires executive experience.”

He joins ABC’s “The View” on Friday before heading to South Carolina for his first trip to the state since announcing his exploratory committee in January.

Julián Castro (D)

At a campaign stop in Las Vegas this week, Castro said he had read an article in which he was called “the other Texan” of the Democratic presidential field, according to the The Associated Press. “I’m the one from the other side of the tracks,” Castro said. “I’m the one that didn’t grow up as a front-runner.”

His comments appeared to be a jab at fellow Texan and Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke. But Castro pushed back against that interpretation during an interview with MSNBC, saying that he was just speaking for himself.

The former secretary of Housing and Urban Development said he is “confident” that he will qualify for the first primary debate in June and that he will be a front-runner “by the time the Iowa caucus comes around.”

Bill de Blasio (D)

Potentially gearing up for a presidential bid, the New York City mayor toured New Hampshire over the weekend. His trip got off to a lackluster start, however. The New York Post reported that only 20 people showed up to his roundtable on mental health — the 14 people who were on the panel and six audience members.

Asked by the Post when he will make a decision about a bid, de Blasio said, “Sooner rather than later.”

John Delaney (D)

Asked in an interview with CNN about whether he is in favor of eliminating the Electoral College and electing a president via the popular vote, Delaney said: “If I were starting from scratch, I would do that. It requires a constitutional amendment. … I’d much rather focus on things that can get done and affect the American people. I’d much rather focus on lowering drug prices, building infrastructure, creating digital privacy legislation in this country, expanding pre-K, that every kid has that opportunity, making sure community college is free for every kid in this country.”

Tulsi Gabbard (D)

Gabbard kicked off the week with visits to Fremont, California, and Las Vegas, where she delivered a message of peace. The U.S. House member from Hawaii, who was twice deployed to the Middle East as part of the Army National Guard, told the crowd in Las Vegas that if elected, she would end the “wasteful regime-change wars,” according to the The Associated Press.

In California, the San Francisco Chronicle reported that Gabbard said the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan drained “trillions of dollars out of our pockets for health care, infrastructure, education, for clean energy.”

Gabbard is ending the week in New Hampshire.

Kirsten Gillibrand (D)

After launching a presidential exploratory committee in January, the New York senator officially joined the race last weekend. In a video posted to her social media channels, Gillibrand also revealed that she will be holding an event outside of the Trump International Hotel in New York City on Sunday.

Gillibrand participated in an MSNBC town hall Monday that touched on immigration policy, her plans for a national paid leave program, her involvement in the resignation of Democratic Sen. Al Franken from his Senate seat in December and her belief that she “should have done more” on gun control earlier in her career.

Kamala Harris (D)

Harris edged up the candidate leaderboard this week: In a new CNN poll, she climbed into third place, with 12 percent support among Democrats and Democratic-leaning independents. This was a significant increase for the California senator, whose support was 4 percent in December. Biden and Bernie Sanders captured first and second place, respectively.

Harris also joined ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live” this week and said she believes that voters want a nominee who holds the ability to “prosecute the case” against President Trump.

The Associated Press reported that two of Hollywood’s elite, Shonda Rhimes and J.J. Abrams, were hosting a fundraiser for Harris, with tickets costing $2,800 per guest. Harris visits Texas this weekend for a campaign rally in Houston and an event hosted by Tarrant County Democrats in Grapevine before heading to Atlanta.

John Hickenlooper (D)

Hickenlooper joined CNN for a town hall in Atlanta on Wednesday night, taking questions from Dana Bash and directly from voters on a range of issues, including marijuana and the death penalty. Bash also asked the former governor of Colorado if he would vow to put a woman on the ticket like some of the other male contenders in the race, and he answered, “Of course.”

“I’ll ask you another question,” he said. “But how come we’re not asking, more often, the women, ‘Would you be willing to put a man on the ticket?’”

Hickenlooper plans to crisscross New Hampshire and Vermont this weekend, with stops in Manchester, Concord, Lebanon, Burlington, Littleton, Plymouth and Newmarket.

Jay Inslee (D)

In an an appearance on “The Daily Show with Trevor Noah,” Inslee said: “I’m finding people who really want to see a president who believes in science, who believes the number one job of the Untied States is to defeat climate change. People are telling me that’s the right message.”

When asked why he would “risk it all” on this single issue as he competes for the nomination against a sprawling pool of candidates, Inslee responded that “you can’t solve other problems unless you solve climate change.”

John Kerry (D)

Kerry, who has left the door open for a presidential bid, received 4 percent of the support among Democrats and Democratic-leaning independents in the CNN poll this week.

In an appearance with Condoleezza Rice, another former secretary of state, at Notre Dame on Tuesday, Kerry criticized the Trump administration. Trump “hasn’t made anything better,” Kerry said, according to the South Bend Tribune. “Not the Iran Deal, not the Paris Climate Accord, not TPP, not (the war in) Afghanistan and not Syria,” Kerry said. “He was teed up to prove to the world what a great negotiator he was.”

Amy Klobuchar (D)

Klobuchar stopped in California this week, joining community leaders in San Francisco for a conversation about the effects of climate change.

In her first visit to the state since announcing her presidential candidacy in February, the Minnesota senator also hosted a “high-dollar fundraiser” in the San Francisco’s Presidio Heights neighborhood, according to CNN.

The cost to attend the event was up to $5,600 a chair, CNN reported. Klobuchar joins the Rye Democrats for a town hall in New Hampshire on Saturday.

Terry McAuliffe (D)

During a visit to South Carolina Tuesday, the former Virginia governor fueled speculation that he might enter the field of Democratic hopefuls.

“I’ve said clearly, in the next couple of weeks, I’ll make the final determination,” McAuliffe said, according to the Associated Press.

Seth Moulton (D)

Moulton kicked off his week in New Hampshire to meet with the tri-city New Hampshire Young Democrats. He told the audience that he expects to make a decision about a presidential run next month, according to The Salem News.

“Ultimately the decision for me will come back to one simple question: How can I best serve the country,” he said.

Moulton also stopped in another early voting state, South Carolina, and is set to visit Iowa next week for a roundtable with veterans.

Beto O’Rourke (D)

O’Rourke continued his campaign sprint across the country this week, traveling to Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania and New Hampshire (where he hit all 10 counties in 48 hours).

At a stop in Pennsylvania, the former Texas congressman was asked about delivering more than “platitudes and nice stories” on the stump.

“I’m going to try to be as specific as I can,” he said. “In every single policy area, I’m trying to describe not just the goal and the aspiration, but the path we will take to get there.”

The breakout political star, who fell just short in his 2018 Senate bid against Ted Cruz, reported raising $6.1 million in the first 24 hours of his presidential campaign, which surpassed Sen. Bernie Sanders’ $5.9 million and the rest of the Democratic field His record haul came from 128,000 unique contributions for an average donation size of $47. None of the donations came from PACs, corporations or special interests, according to his campaign.

O’Rourke brings his off-the-cuff and frenetic campaign style through South Carolina this weekend with eight events in Rock Hill, Columbia, Orangeburg and Charleston.

Bernie Sanders (D)

Sanders committed this week to offsetting emissions from his travel and events by partnering with a carbon offsets provider that will support renewable energy and carbon reduction projects.

This effort follows the Vermont senator’s announcement that his workers will be the first presidential campaign staff to unionize.

Sanders holds rallies in San Diego, Los Angeles and San Francisco starting Friday as he makes his first visit to California since launching his second presidential campaign.

Howard Schultz (I)

As Schultz continues to test the waters of an independent bid for president, he holds a series of town halls in Denver where he will hold a roundtable discussion at a startup incubator called Techstars Boulder Accelerator, according to the Denver Post.

The Post also reports that Schultz’s schedule includes a stop at the U.S. Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs for a town hall event with the athletes.

Elizabeth Warren (D)

Warren, known for her pace-setting policy proposals, started a swing through the South in Memphis, Tennessee, before heading to Jackson, Mississippi, for a CNN town hall on Monday and unveiled her support for a bold proposal.

“My view is that every vote matters,” she said. “And that means getting rid of the Electoral College,” she went on, to applause from the audience.

“Presidential candidates don’t come to places like Mississippi, they also don’t come to places like California or Massachusetts, because we’re not the battleground states.”

The Massachusetts senator then headed to Alabama for two stops in Selma and Birmingham this week. She returns to New Hampshire this weekend for a conversation on the opioid crisis in Littleton and a pair of meet-and-greets in Berlin and Conway.

Andrew Yang (D)

Yang said there were 3,000 people in attendance at his rally in San Francisco last Friday. In a blog post recounting the event, the entrepreneur said “huge rallies” would help him build name recognition and that he’d be launching a national tour to draw crowds.

“Think Bernie 2.0 but with better music,” he wrote.

The New York Times reported on Yang’s internet popularity Wednesday, noting that his supporters, who have been nicknamed the “Yang Gang,” are harnessing memes and inside jokes to promote the candidate much in the way that Trump supporters did in 2016.

On Monday, Yang holds an event in Chicago.

[airoasis]

The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/the-magic-of-not-giving-a-f-sarah-knight-tedxcoconutgrove/

The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

Translator: Ellen Maloney Reviewer: Peter van de Ven We’re living in a submit-tidying society. Every person, including me, has a narrative about de-cluttering their dwelling. Gathering all of their possessions into the center of the ground, identifying what brings joy, and then bidding farewell to a set of spatulas in pursuit of a calmer, happier existence. But what if we might accumulate up all of the other stuff – duties, pursuits, duties relationships – and drop it at the kerb with out a single regret? And via doing so, be free to center of attention our time, vigor, and cash on the stuff that really makes us blissful? Well, I figured out methods to do it.It’s pleasant, and i call it, "The existence-altering magic of no longer giving a fuck." (Cheers) (Applause) i’m hoping you can excuse my language for the reason that there may be more where that got here from. Before i can teach you discontinue giving a fuck, we ought to speak about what it method to offer one in the first location. ‘Giving a fuck’ method you care, right? So after I say, "i don’t give a fuck about ‘game of Thrones,’" I imply, "i don’t care about ‘game of Thrones.’" (Laughter) Now, let’s take the thought a step extra.Let’s outline your ‘fucks’ as your time, energy, and cash. (Laughter) for those who don’t care about whatever, you must discontinue giving your fucks to it. I don’t care about ‘game of Thrones’ so i don’t spend time observing it; i don’t spend power questioning the place the following season is going; and i do not spend my cash on the books, merchandise, or something Westeros related. ‘recreation of Thrones’ does no longer get any of my fucks. (Laughter) Make experience? By means of making these calculated choices, you finally end up with extra time, energy, and cash to spend on the matters you really do care about.And that i name that "making a fuck finances." (Laughter) i’m going to get back to fuck budgets in a minute, but first, I need to inform you a little bit bit about how the existence-altering magic of now not giving a fuck occurred to me. Two and a half years in the past, I was once a senior editor at a most important big apple publishing apartment. I had spent 15 years clawing my approach up the company ladder, I had a roster of satisfactory-selling authors, and everything I invariably idea I wanted from my profession was once coming to go. However I was rather, fairly sad. The style of sad that makes it rough to get out of bed within the morning; the style of unhappy that makes it rough to commute forty five minutes on the NYC subway; and rough to spend eight – ten hours at your desk before turning around, going residence, and doing it all over the place once more. So, I give up. And making that decision used to be also particularly tough. Numerous purple wine, numerous tears. But what came after I give up was nothing wanting lifestyles-changing. After I removed myself from the tradition and way of life of a job that had been making me so sad, I used to be free to focal point my time and power on what would make me completely happy – together with working, but just in one more means – and eventually, on relocating from Brooklyn to a tropical island.I ended giving my fucks to working for a organization, wearing pants, and taking those lengthy subway commutes. And i began giving my fucks to working for myself, carrying bikinis, and taking long walks on the beach. I’m telling you, existence altering. (Laughter) however none of that vary occurred given that I had tidied up my condominium. It happened given that I cleared out my intellect. Let me try and give an explanation for. Suppose your intellect is a barn, and inside it is are all of the matters that bring you joy, but in addition, all the stuff that annoys you. The expertise for a blissful lifestyles is there, however you need to clear out the annoy to make room for the enjoyment. That is intellectual de-cluttering, and it’s magical. I did it unintentionally when I stop my job, nevertheless it was once so mighty that I developed a method so that you can do it on intent.I call it "the no longer sorry method." It has two steps. The 1st step: come to a decision what you do not provide a fuck about. Step two: don’t supply a fuck about these matters. (Laughter) easy, proper? But i do know what you’re thinking: This sounds like a recipe for turning into an asshole. (Laughter) it can be okay, I get that a lot. However that is where the "now not sorry" section is available in. My process is all about not giving a fuck utilising honesty and politeness. So ultimately, you don’t need to think guilty. You’re in your exceptional behavior, and you have got nothing to express regret for. You might be quite literally not sorry. You are also not an asshole. So how would the not sorry process give you the results you want? Well, shall we say, you love ‘recreation of Thrones’ and you have been invited to a Sunday night dinner occasion that interferes with observing your favourite exhibit. You consider dangerous about turning down the invite, but you really love ‘sport of Thrones,’ and you do not need to report it to watch later when you consider that…Spoilers. Good, you most effective have a lot time, vigour, and cash to spend on Sunday night. So, you have to consult your fuck price range. (Laughter) make a decision which recreation brings more pleasure and allocate your fuck bucks accordingly. (Laughter) i’m telling you, when you reply swiftly, "No thanks, cannot make it to that dinner celebration," you could have performed nothing incorrect. You had been honest, you have been well mannered, and you do not ought to be sorry about it. And that is simply the tip of the fuck-berg. (Laughter) which you can observe the "no longer sorry" approach to whatever: tasks, hobbies, tasks, even persons. You start by way of making a record of the whole thing that’s cluttering up your mental barn; all the impositions to your time, vigor, and cash; the fucks you’re being asked to provide.To hold it manageable, i am going by category. So for instance, work is one class, and five fucks on your list maybe necessary meetings, convention calls, your coworkers charity half-marathon, a going away get together for a coworker you don’t even like, and doing all of your specific job. (Laughter) once you have got listed all of them out, you perform the "now not sorry" procedure. The 1st step: make a decision what annoys you. Non-important stuff you don’t care about. Step two: stop giving your fucks within the form of time, vigor, and cash to these matters. Then pass them off your list with a gigantic black marker. It feels good, simply go with it. (Laughter) What i am announcing is, yes, you can also ought to get up and go to work every day, and you can also need to attend some mandatory meetings. But you don’t ought to attend a going away party for a colleague you do not even like.But in case you are nonetheless having difficulty not giving that fuck? I propose a visualization endeavor. Image how you’re going to consider when you walk into that celebration: annoyed or full of pleasure? (Laughter) it’s been an extended day, your feet damage, you do not love socializing along with your colleagues at the place of work, let alone at a shitty bar. (Laughter) You really don’t love pitchers of heat Coors mild. So, what should you do? RSVP ‘No’ of course. Why would you spend your fuck bucks or your genuine bucks on this social gathering? I’ll let you know why. You do it due to the fact that you consider obligated and responsible. You might be psyching yourself out of a perfectly first-class response, "No," earlier than you even are attempting it.Most men and women simply do not believe these things by means of. They are saying "yes" to matters like this proper away, then wind up losing time, vigour, and money on an traumatic, unenjoyable night time out. You waste much more time and vigor just dreading the get together per week previously. And even more, seeking to give you approaches to weasel out of your commitment, then stressful you’ll be able to be noticeable as an asshole for bailing on the final minute. And truthfully? In the event you do bail on the final minute, having in no way supposed to head within the first situation, then you might be an asshole. And also you should suppose unhealthy about it. (Laughter) alternatively, pause; visualize; and say a timely, polite, "No, thanks. Cannot make it." that is how you stop spending time you do not need, with individuals you don’t like, doing matters you do not want to do.You’ll be able to be much less busy, much less stressed, much less annoyed. You’ll have a lot extra time, vigour, and money, and you’ll surprise why you failed to stop going to little one showers ten years ago. (Laughter) but appear. You don’t ought to quit your job and escape to a tropical island like I did. You could make significant, releasing, meaningful alternate simply with the aid of clearing out your mental barn, making a fuck funds, and sticking to it. You do not must arrange a yard sale. You just have to say the phrases "No, thanks." "I do not have time." "I can not come up with the money for it." which you could even say, "i do not wish to." the arena won’t end. This is you being honest and polite. No fucks given, not sorry. The life-altering magic is proper there for the taking.To be sincere, de-cluttering your house simplest takes a few week. Then it lasts one or two. But intellectual de-cluttering? Finding out how to say "No," set boundaries, and give fewer, higher fucks? That lasts forever. Thank you. (Cheers) (Applause) .

[batterymonster2021]

The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/the-magic-of-not-giving-a-f-sarah-knight-tedxcoconutgrove/

The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

Translator: Ellen Maloney Reviewer: Peter van de Ven We’re living in a submit-tidying society. Every person, including me, has a narrative about de-cluttering their dwelling. Gathering all of their possessions into the center of the ground, identifying what brings joy, and then bidding farewell to a set of spatulas in pursuit of a calmer, happier existence. But what if we might accumulate up all of the other stuff – duties, pursuits, duties relationships – and drop it at the kerb with out a single regret? And via doing so, be free to center of attention our time, vigor, and cash on the stuff that really makes us blissful? Well, I figured out methods to do it.It’s pleasant, and i call it, "The existence-altering magic of no longer giving a fuck." (Cheers) (Applause) i’m hoping you can excuse my language for the reason that there may be more where that got here from. Before i can teach you discontinue giving a fuck, we ought to speak about what it method to offer one in the first location. ‘Giving a fuck’ method you care, right? So after I say, "i don’t give a fuck about ‘game of Thrones,’" I imply, "i don’t care about ‘game of Thrones.’" (Laughter) Now, let’s take the thought a step extra.Let’s outline your ‘fucks’ as your time, energy, and cash. (Laughter) for those who don’t care about whatever, you must discontinue giving your fucks to it. I don’t care about ‘game of Thrones’ so i don’t spend time observing it; i don’t spend power questioning the place the following season is going; and i do not spend my cash on the books, merchandise, or something Westeros related. ‘recreation of Thrones’ does no longer get any of my fucks. (Laughter) Make experience? By means of making these calculated choices, you finally end up with extra time, energy, and cash to spend on the matters you really do care about.And that i name that "making a fuck finances." (Laughter) i’m going to get back to fuck budgets in a minute, but first, I need to inform you a little bit bit about how the existence-altering magic of now not giving a fuck occurred to me. Two and a half years in the past, I was once a senior editor at a most important big apple publishing apartment. I had spent 15 years clawing my approach up the company ladder, I had a roster of satisfactory-selling authors, and everything I invariably idea I wanted from my profession was once coming to go. However I was rather, fairly sad. The style of sad that makes it rough to get out of bed within the morning; the style of unhappy that makes it rough to commute forty five minutes on the NYC subway; and rough to spend eight – ten hours at your desk before turning around, going residence, and doing it all over the place once more. So, I give up. And making that decision used to be also particularly tough. Numerous purple wine, numerous tears. But what came after I give up was nothing wanting lifestyles-changing. After I removed myself from the tradition and way of life of a job that had been making me so sad, I used to be free to focal point my time and power on what would make me completely happy – together with working, but just in one more means – and eventually, on relocating from Brooklyn to a tropical island.I ended giving my fucks to working for a organization, wearing pants, and taking those lengthy subway commutes. And i began giving my fucks to working for myself, carrying bikinis, and taking long walks on the beach. I’m telling you, existence altering. (Laughter) however none of that vary occurred given that I had tidied up my condominium. It happened given that I cleared out my intellect. Let me try and give an explanation for. Suppose your intellect is a barn, and inside it is are all of the matters that bring you joy, but in addition, all the stuff that annoys you. The expertise for a blissful lifestyles is there, however you need to clear out the annoy to make room for the enjoyment. That is intellectual de-cluttering, and it’s magical. I did it unintentionally when I stop my job, nevertheless it was once so mighty that I developed a method so that you can do it on intent.I call it "the no longer sorry method." It has two steps. The 1st step: come to a decision what you do not provide a fuck about. Step two: don’t supply a fuck about these matters. (Laughter) easy, proper? But i do know what you’re thinking: This sounds like a recipe for turning into an asshole. (Laughter) it can be okay, I get that a lot. However that is where the "now not sorry" section is available in. My process is all about not giving a fuck utilising honesty and politeness. So ultimately, you don’t need to think guilty. You’re in your exceptional behavior, and you have got nothing to express regret for. You might be quite literally not sorry. You are also not an asshole. So how would the not sorry process give you the results you want? Well, shall we say, you love ‘recreation of Thrones’ and you have been invited to a Sunday night dinner occasion that interferes with observing your favourite exhibit. You consider dangerous about turning down the invite, but you really love ‘sport of Thrones,’ and you do not need to report it to watch later when you consider that…Spoilers. Good, you most effective have a lot time, vigour, and cash to spend on Sunday night. So, you have to consult your fuck price range. (Laughter) make a decision which recreation brings more pleasure and allocate your fuck bucks accordingly. (Laughter) i’m telling you, when you reply swiftly, "No thanks, cannot make it to that dinner celebration," you could have performed nothing incorrect. You had been honest, you have been well mannered, and you do not ought to be sorry about it. And that is simply the tip of the fuck-berg. (Laughter) which you can observe the "no longer sorry" approach to whatever: tasks, hobbies, tasks, even persons. You start by way of making a record of the whole thing that’s cluttering up your mental barn; all the impositions to your time, vigor, and cash; the fucks you’re being asked to provide.To hold it manageable, i am going by category. So for instance, work is one class, and five fucks on your list maybe necessary meetings, convention calls, your coworkers charity half-marathon, a going away get together for a coworker you don’t even like, and doing all of your specific job. (Laughter) once you have got listed all of them out, you perform the "now not sorry" procedure. The 1st step: make a decision what annoys you. Non-important stuff you don’t care about. Step two: stop giving your fucks within the form of time, vigor, and cash to these matters. Then pass them off your list with a gigantic black marker. It feels good, simply go with it. (Laughter) What i am announcing is, yes, you can also ought to get up and go to work every day, and you can also need to attend some mandatory meetings. But you don’t ought to attend a going away party for a colleague you do not even like.But in case you are nonetheless having difficulty not giving that fuck? I propose a visualization endeavor. Image how you’re going to consider when you walk into that celebration: annoyed or full of pleasure? (Laughter) it’s been an extended day, your feet damage, you do not love socializing along with your colleagues at the place of work, let alone at a shitty bar. (Laughter) You really don’t love pitchers of heat Coors mild. So, what should you do? RSVP ‘No’ of course. Why would you spend your fuck bucks or your genuine bucks on this social gathering? I’ll let you know why. You do it due to the fact that you consider obligated and responsible. You might be psyching yourself out of a perfectly first-class response, "No," earlier than you even are attempting it.Most men and women simply do not believe these things by means of. They are saying "yes" to matters like this proper away, then wind up losing time, vigour, and money on an traumatic, unenjoyable night time out. You waste much more time and vigor just dreading the get together per week previously. And even more, seeking to give you approaches to weasel out of your commitment, then stressful you’ll be able to be noticeable as an asshole for bailing on the final minute. And truthfully? In the event you do bail on the final minute, having in no way supposed to head within the first situation, then you might be an asshole. And also you should suppose unhealthy about it. (Laughter) alternatively, pause; visualize; and say a timely, polite, "No, thanks. Cannot make it." that is how you stop spending time you do not need, with individuals you don’t like, doing matters you do not want to do.You’ll be able to be much less busy, much less stressed, much less annoyed. You’ll have a lot extra time, vigour, and money, and you’ll surprise why you failed to stop going to little one showers ten years ago. (Laughter) but appear. You don’t ought to quit your job and escape to a tropical island like I did. You could make significant, releasing, meaningful alternate simply with the aid of clearing out your mental barn, making a fuck funds, and sticking to it. You do not must arrange a yard sale. You just have to say the phrases "No, thanks." "I do not have time." "I can not come up with the money for it." which you could even say, "i do not wish to." the arena won’t end. This is you being honest and polite. No fucks given, not sorry. The life-altering magic is proper there for the taking.To be sincere, de-cluttering your house simplest takes a few week. Then it lasts one or two. But intellectual de-cluttering? Finding out how to say "No," set boundaries, and give fewer, higher fucks? That lasts forever. Thank you. (Cheers) (Applause) .

[ramblingrachell]

Changed for the Better

A week from now, it will have been 365 days since I wrote anything original here. There are good and poor excuses for that, but in retrospect maybe that's for the better; time tends to be a great equalizer and an even more brutal therapist.

I re-read my 29th Lament post recently and in a lot of ways, it gutted me. It gutted me to think back to that deep sadness and how woefully unprepared I was for the monumental occasion of turning 30. It gutted me to realize how depressed I was and how completely oblivious I was to my own tells. Even more so, I'm gutted by the time I lost leading up to turning 30 that I can't get back to do the work to change myself and my perspective. 

The last couple years of my 20's, and the first few months of being 30, I truly did feel like I was in mourning - mourning the circumstances of life that everyone else seemed to be experiencing and dealing with the reality that the dreams I've had may only ever just be dreams. I remember reading a blog post last year of one of my peers who was turning 30 before me and how enraged I felt that she had the nerve to say she felt like she was coming into her own heading into 30. "Of course you do," I thought, "you have a loving husband, a new baby, well behaved pets and a house on half an acre in the suburbs!" I rolled my eyes in hatred at the audacity of her thinking that her sense of fulfillment in life wasn't a direct result of her rosy circumstances. She was loved, wanted, and needed - who wouldn't want that? I DESPERATELY wanted that to be my reality. While my reaction to this peer's post was largely based in envy, I gained a more clear little nugget of perspective much later. That nugget was this - it's easy to be happy when everything is coming up roses, but what do you make of those seasons when you're lost in the valley of endless weeds?

The first six months of being 30 was quite the valley - perhaps the second biggest of my life. I didn't know who I was or what direction to go in life, nor was I mentally strong enough to even figure out how to work towards those things. I was numb, angry, sad - all the depressing adjectives you can think of right now. That was me. And I hated it, but I was stuck so deep. 

I mentioned a desire to feel wanted, needed and loved. Largely,I think I was hyper focused on that from a romantic relational perspective because I felt like the only uncoupled person I knew; however, the first six months of being 30 taught me how wrong that focus was for me. Between April and October of 2016, I have never been more needed IN. MY. LIFE. My mom needed my complete support with an unexpected cancer diagnosis and treatment. My sister needed me to help more with my mom because she was 8 months pregnant with her third child and we were down one sibling to share the responsibilities as my brother had recently moved to Florida. My sister needed my help with her kids when she was in the hospital delivering my youngest nephew. My mom needed me when she got in a bad car accident on the same day my newest nephew was born. My brother needed me to manage all the above crazy here at home because he didn't live here anymore. It seemed as if every friend I had was going through something - good or bad - and needed a shoulder to lean on or help in some way. My school needed me when two co-workers left unexpectedly and I was the only person who knew those super crucial jobs well (in addition to my own job) and could keep things running. I had students who needed an extra supportive hand at school that bonded with me. Suddenly I was everyone's go to person and I was trying to be everything to everyone.

While it's true that I thrive under this kind of chaos and it was so nice to be needed, one day I finally cracked. I broke down crying to one of my best friend's about how much I had on my plate, the pressure I was putting on myself, and how tired, stressed, and anxious I was about everything. My friend asked me, "What are you doing for you?" I sat there with ugly mascara tears rolling down myself for a full, still and silent moment. I told her nothing - I wasn't doing anything to help myself deal with any of the above. She told me to start there and to figure out what Rachel needed and wanted right then and for my future. 

This may seem crazy, but I was completely thrown off by this advice - that I needed to try and know myself and prioritize me. I don't say this for you to think I'm an unselfish saint - please, we're all selfish on some level - but it was the first time in my adult life I remember someone telling me to quit trying to look for someone or something to focus on or fix when I couldn't even do that for myself. What a wake up call.

So I dug deep. Did the hard stuff that is never comfortable or easy. Another cycle of therapy and medication when I had so convinced myself I was past that period of my life (PSA: there is no shame in needing either of those things to be the best version of yourself). Addressing insecurities and fears, having accountability partners, and working on myself mentally and physically. It was - no, still is - an uphill battle from the pit of that valley. The work is not done in the slightest, but it's been six months since I cracked into that initial mess of tears (there's certainly been some since) and I have never felt more settled within myself and the life I'm building. Those months of chaos kept me so focused on both helping "my people" and improving myself that there was no time to get caught in the trap of comparing my life to my peers. My every day life was/is full of ALL THE THINGS. There's no sense of feeling like I'm lacking anything within myself - a sense of peace I don't think I've EVER had - EVER. 

A year ago, if you had asked me if I would be okay with the rest of my life looking like how it was then, I would have been inconsolably devastated. Now, I would be far less devastated - probably even completely okay. Sure, there are still dreams I hope to achieve, but now I am not letting this time in my life be wasted on just wanting and not doing. I am pursuing aspects of my job that give me an even bigger sense of purpose and passion for helping my students. If my students are the only "kids" I get to have in this life, I am going to enjoy mothering them so much that they may even roll their eyes at me like I'm their real mother. I am going to use my experiences and my talents to leverage a greater purpose where I can. I am taking care of the whole me - mentally, physically, and spiritually - on my terms with no apologies or thoughts to what others may think or compare me up against. There are many more important people and tasks in this life for me to focus my energy on right now than the internal dialogue I was replaying in my head a year ago and much of my 20's. I made the most of this dark valley in my life and am not going to quit climbing. Sure, this post may seem like it's my medication talking (and that plays it's part, I assure you - again, no shame in that thankyouverymuch), but I've seen a significant change in myself and so have the people around me. They say I'm a bit more bossy and confident, and I am, but I kind of love that and won't apologize for it. Not to mention, I laugh more and just feel genuinely happy. I know more of who I am and what I want for my life than I ever have before and it's a surprisingly freeing feeling.

My 30th year was the most difficult of my adult life, but I'm a lot better for it. While our circumstances differed greatly, maybe that peer was right and 30 is when you start to come into your own after all. I am okay with being wrong on this one. In my 29th Lament post I wrote, "That’s the funny thing about life and faith, you put your best foot forward and you just see where each step takes you." As I look to my upcoming 31st year of life, more than anything, I want to continue to foster this new sense of purpose/passion and do the hard work to put my best foot forward on this path and truly be the best version of myself.

[pisati]

I think I managed to buy myself at least a year. 

that’s how long the lease is going to be, anyway.

it’s hard for me to look back now. for a number of reasons. firstly because my memory isn’t all that great. secondly because, despite it not being all that long ago, it feels like I’m looking back at a totally different person. 

I noticed... maybe yesterday. after reading some old posts on timehop. I do need to get out of that habit, I know. I guess I feel kind of afraid of forgetting. not that I have much to be proud of remembering. but uh. I was so fucking miserable, lol. I would’ve called a lot of it “just okay” when I was still in the midst of it. not great, not bad. I did well in school. I worked hard. I kept to myself for the most part, and sometimes it got lonely, but I made it work. I learned how to be alone and at the very least not want to die because of that fact. I missed my friends so much it hurt, but what could I do about it? after I moved home, it went straight downhill. I dug myself into a hole I knew I didn’t want to be in. I didn’t see another way out. I guess I learned how to resign myself to it. I was surprised at how much better I felt once I got out of it. I’m surprising myself right now with how much better I feel than even then.

I loved what I was studying in school. I really liked the person I thought I was becoming. but with my health and with my indecisiveness about grad school and industry... it all faltered. I was scared. I’m still scared, if I’m honest.

I see more avenues now, but I don’t really know which one to try. I think I do really need to prioritize supporting myself alone. that’s the way my life seems to be heading. can’t say I’m terribly upset about that fact, but at the same time... I’m starting to wonder if I’m really okay being alone or if it’s a face I put on so I won’t be so hurt. I really don’t think it’s the worst, but.. ya know.

so as far as that’s concerned. I need to make some decisions, and I’m just really not sure what I want. 

I could stick with animal care. right now, I’m actually happy. I mean... I wouldn’t go that far; I’m not thrilled and I’m still nervous about how much there still is to learn. but I haven’t felt this sense of balance in a long time. I don’t dread waking up every single day. at my appointment the other day, my endocrinologist seemed to be really happy that I have the job I have right now, because, as she put it, “it’s really therapeutic for you to be working with animals”. I never thought about it like that, but she’s right. it’s why I love going to the shelter, and why I’ve been going back at least once a week (if I can) for almost 2 years. I know I love animals, and it’s really helped me mentally to have rats these last few years, but it didn’t occur to me that getting to see dogs and cats every day would have such an influence on my mood. even if I don’t get to pet them, even if they’re really nervous, even if my job on tech days is to hold the peanut butter stick or break up treats to let them lick the bits off my fingers so they don’t wiggle during blood draws. I come home and I don’t have to drag myself upstairs; I don’t curl up on my floor (or in bed, if I can make it there) and cry, feeling like I want to jump out the window. I don’t feel like my day is being wasted; I feel like I actually get something done. sometimes it’s hard for me to tell exactly how different I feel; I remember that day when I felt so fucking awful I didn’t know what to do; that day that prompted my first psychiatry appointment. but looking back on it it’s hard to remember how much worse that feels than what I feel now. when I’m in it, it’s hard to remember feeling better. I’ve been depressed for so long, it’s hard to see anything without a shadow over it. 

I don’t think I could do tech for real. I’d need to dedicate a lot of energy to redirecting my entire education, and even if I did that, I wouldn’t get paid enough to live on my own. the techs at my practice know so much, and they can do so many things, and they still barely get paid more than I do. in order to become an LVT you need a licensure course; I know my local community college offers a 2-year program. but 1. it’s expensive, and 2. I just don’t think I could. I watch what our more experienced techs do; they’re assisting on surgeries, doing anesthesia and x-rays, consulting with owners on estimates and surgery aftercare, and they’re pros at blood draws, vaccines, nail trims, and anal gland expressions. I get nervous when dogs twitch away from blood draws, I don’t know if I could handle some of the severely anxious pets I’ve seen. I’m still not really comfortable handling dogs or cats, though I’m okay at faking it. one of the doctors hinted to me today that as part of my vet assistant training I’d maybe learn vaccine administration and anal gland expressions, and that makes me nervous too. and those are the easy ones, so they say. the assistant I was shadowing today (who I’ve easily got at least 6 years on) did a blood draw and anal glands on at least one or two dogs, and it just... it seems like something beyond my abilities. I’m sure it could only help me to learn those things, though, so maybe I’ll just have to learn to be more open to it.

because another option I’ve considered is trying to pursue shelter work again. my shelter is opening their new location next year, as far as I know, and they’ll be looking for new care staff. it’d be a government job, with government benefits. just county government, of course, but it’s still something and it’d still look good on any resume. with medical experience I’d be a much more valuable candidate. I’m sure my shelter would love to hire me since staff already knows me pretty well. 

but even that wouldn’t pay enough. not here.

mom’s not going to support me forever. she’s told me that, I know that, and I don’t expect her to. I know I need to get my feet under me, and thankfully she knows I’m trying. but I’m honestly really scared that I’ll have to force myself into something else that makes me miserable just so I can afford to support myself. I hate that I have to choose. I absolutely fucking hate it. that’s another reason why being alone blows. my friends with significant others can afford shit, even if it’s just the basics, because with their earnings combined it’s doable. I’m not about to force a relationship for financial stability, but I would also like to be happy with my job, and I feel like in order for that to happen I’m going to need more support. right now it’s coming from my mom. I’m grateful for that, truly, but I know I can’t lean on her forever.

so I feel like I have to look at grad school. I just don’t know what degree I want. what kind of career I want, where I want to go from here. a sterile, professional environment just... it feels like something I couldn’t go back to, now that I know what it’s like to get my hands dirty. I’ve always known I’m this kind of person; I feel so stuffy in even business casual clothes, and I’m so out of place in professional settings. I resent the fact that I have a LinkedIn, lmao. I just don’t know what degree I could try to go for that could afford me better opportunities at jobs like the one I have, or more like the ones I could be comfortable in. I feel like there may even be a niche market for some kind of small animal thing (mom suggested I create something like Rover but for small/exotic animal petsitters, and one of the shelter staff said I could probably make a killing making little beds for guinea pigs). I’m not really an entrepreneur, but if I can find something like that and make it work, hell. but do I want to go down the animal path? after all this? after my linguistics degree, all my research and tech experience?

that’s where looking back kind of pains me. I feel like an entirely different person from even two years ago. I can hardly remember my schooling; I feel really detached from the linguistics sphere as a whole, and it was a place I wanted to fit so badly. I don’t know what I want. I don’t really think I knew then either. 

but anyway. I have a year, starting in december. at least a year that I’ll be ‘stuck’ here, but I don’t think I’m too upset about that right now. what I’m worried about is if, a year from now, I still won’t have made any decisions. I had a year-- over a year-- to think about it, after my last job, and I’m still no closer to having a goal. 

well. much to think about

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Do you feel lost in life? Try a Life Audit via /r/selfimprovement

Do you feel lost in life? Try a Life Audit

I heard this term today and it made me interested, so I started to do a little research on the subject. If you Google it you will likely read about writing things on post-it notes, which is great, but the purpose of this post is just to get you thinking about the life you want versus the life you have. How you document, organize, and track the changes you want to make is up to you. You can do post-it notes, spreadsheets, write them down on a piece of paper, use an app, whatever works for you.

I see so many people lost in life, not really knowing what to do, where to go, or how to proceed. I think it is good to organize all of the parts of your life and think about how you can improve them. Below is a list of areas to get you started, and some questions to ask yourself.

Mental Health

How is your mental health? Are you happy? Depressed? Fulfilled? Lonely? When I looked at my mental health a year ago I didn't feel happy even though I had everything going for me.

The first step was recognizing that I was, in fact, depressed and yes there were things I could do about it.

Next I came up with an action plan, did a little research on what to do about depression and set out to accomplish some of those tasks. I told myself I'd talk to my doctor about medications, start exercising more, write in a journal, meditate, etc.

Then comes the follow through. Go through your list (whether written or in your mind), find the easiest thing to do and start there. Go down your list and at least try to accomplish all of the items. If you never try, you will never change.

Last is to maintain. It's easy to go to the gym once, or even for a week. The hard part is keeping at it. The more you do it the more you'll enjoy it. Same with meditating. If you only do it once or twice you might not get that much out of it, you have to stick with it. Remember these things are life changes, not just changes you'll make for a week.

Physical Fitness

I think there is a larger link between mental and physical health than what a lot of people believe. I've noticed a significant increase to my mood, energy level, and mental health since I started to get into shape. There have been so many studies proving the benefits of exercise, it can't be ignored. I get that some people aren't athletic or can't afford a gym, and sometimes it's just plain hard to make yourself do it when you're depressed or tired. But there are a million ways to get exercise. Find at least one thing you can do a few times a week just to get your body moving, even if it is just going for a walk. Find something you at least somewhat enjoy and can stick with indefinitely.

I started doing yoga, which is very uncharacteristic for me since I'm an older dude, not flexible at all, and I look horrible in yoga pants ;). I struggled with doing it and enjoying it at first, but I recognized I really it could really help with my stiffness and back pain so I stuck with it. I still suck at it but my pain is gone.

Nutrition

You can probably do a whole audit on nutrition alone. You've heard people say you are what you eat, and I can definitely notice a difference in my physical and mental well being when I eat more healthy. I noticed I started to develop some bad habits nutritionally, and they were easy to fix. For me, pop, beer, and sugary beverages was such a waste of calories and money. I made myself get used to drinking old fashioned H2O with most of my meals and I really don't miss the sugary stuff. Now when I'm thirsty and want something sweet I get a glass of water and a piece of fruit. Look for the things in your diet that have empty calories or you only eat out of habit, and swap them with something more healthy.

If you really want to audit your diet, log everything you eat in a typical day with my fitness pal or something similar. Even if you aren't trying to lose weight it can give you your macros and vitamins, it can really be an eye opener. Like wow I was eating 3x my recommended amount of sodium every day, no wonder I always felt so bloated.

Relationships

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves we forget about what we mean to other people. Look at all of the relationships in your life and ask yourself some of these types of questions.

Do I enjoy spending time with this person?

Are you supportive of each other?

Do they make you feel special, and do you try to make them feel special?

Do they help with good habits or fuel your bad habits?

Is it a 2-sided relationship or is one person doing most of the work?

Identify the people in your life that you should be spending more time with and the people you should be spending less time with. I've noticed some people tend to drag me down and other make me feel better about myself. Don't forget to communicate if you can identify any issues, if you can't talk to them about it then it's not a healthy relationship.

Career

This can be a tough one, but is an essential area where it helps to have goals. Not everyone needs to love their job, but it should at least give you a sense of accomplishment, be somewhat fulfilled, and pay the bills. If you really hate it, start looking at others.

If you are at least content, think about your 2, 5, 10 year goals. Think about where you want to be. Do you want to make more money but maybe have more stress, or are you fine where you are? Observe other people and identify the jobs you think you would like, and figure out how to get there.

I've known a lot of people who have hated their careers and started over, or who came from nothing and worked their way to the top. To get ahead you don't necessarily need to be smarter or better, you just need to work harder.

If you have no idea what you want to do, that could be a whole separate audit. Identify what you enjoy and what you're good at. You don't even have to be good at it it you find it interesting enough, choose a path and follow it.

Finance

Yet another area in my life where I did a complete audit. I made a budget, analyzed all of my expenses and income. I looked at every single thing on there and tried to determine how I could save a bit more money.

I researched cell phone plans and changed mine, and saved about $60 a month. I looked into auto insurance and saved a little money there. I looked at my cable/wifi bill and called to switch companies if they didn't give me a better deal, saved almost $100 a month there. I even went over all the numbers on my paychecks and realized I was being underpaid. Once I got out of debt I started using a rewards credit card on most of my expenses, and with the points and sign up bonus I probably got an extra $1000 this year just for paying for things a different way. Finally kicked some bad habits that was even more money saved. I switched bank accounts to one that gave better interest and refunded ATM fees. Boom, all of those little things really added up.

Goals

I spent a long time just living life one day at a time. Sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture. Do you have the life you want? What is it that you really want? Do you want to get married, get a bigger house, get a nicer car, travel the world? Make a bucket list or a vision board, anything. Give yourself something to strive for, something to look forward to. Once you can picture your dreams and goals come up with an action plan. Your goals can be 1 day, 1 week, 1 year, 5 years, etc. It's totally okay to update your goals whenever you feel like it. Sometimes life will present opportunities, and it's up to you which path you choose to follow.

Habits

Last but definitely not least I will talk about habits and addictions. If you suffer from any addictions they are the #1 top priority you need to audit. Addictions can run your life, they can change the way you think, they can take over your thoughts and goals. I have had many addictions in my life but I will use smoking cigarettes as an example. It was so hard to focus on life when all I could think was when I'd have another smoke. It was harmful to all of the important parts of life; they were expensive, they were bad for my health, they took over my mind mentally, and in social situations I was always thinking about how I would sneak out for a smoke. Once I quit I was finally able to take control of my life again, and I told myself I would never have another one ever.

Habits are similar, they can be tough to break but you can also have good habits. Think about your habits that may not be smart or healthy and do something else instead. Try to develop a good routine. For me now, drinking a glass of water in the morning and working out after work are almost as routine as showering and brushing my teeth. I don't make it optional. I love routines, they help organize my life, like rules. Do everything in moderation, treat yourself on occasion and learn to appreciate the little things again.

Submitted November 08, 2018 at 08:23PM by SpartEng76 via reddit https://ift.tt/2PkQPgc

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The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/the-magic-of-not-giving-a-f-sarah-knight-tedxcoconutgrove/

The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

Translator: Ellen Maloney Reviewer: Peter van de Ven We’re living in a submit-tidying society. Every person, including me, has a narrative about de-cluttering their dwelling. Gathering all of their possessions into the center of the ground, identifying what brings joy, and then bidding farewell to a set of spatulas in pursuit of a calmer, happier existence. But what if we might accumulate up all of the other stuff – duties, pursuits, duties relationships – and drop it at the kerb with out a single regret? And via doing so, be free to center of attention our time, vigor, and cash on the stuff that really makes us blissful? Well, I figured out methods to do it.It’s pleasant, and i call it, "The existence-altering magic of no longer giving a fuck." (Cheers) (Applause) i’m hoping you can excuse my language for the reason that there may be more where that got here from. Before i can teach you discontinue giving a fuck, we ought to speak about what it method to offer one in the first location. ‘Giving a fuck’ method you care, right? So after I say, "i don’t give a fuck about ‘game of Thrones,’" I imply, "i don’t care about ‘game of Thrones.’" (Laughter) Now, let’s take the thought a step extra.Let’s outline your ‘fucks’ as your time, energy, and cash. (Laughter) for those who don’t care about whatever, you must discontinue giving your fucks to it. I don’t care about ‘game of Thrones’ so i don’t spend time observing it; i don’t spend power questioning the place the following season is going; and i do not spend my cash on the books, merchandise, or something Westeros related. ‘recreation of Thrones’ does no longer get any of my fucks. (Laughter) Make experience? By means of making these calculated choices, you finally end up with extra time, energy, and cash to spend on the matters you really do care about.And that i name that "making a fuck finances." (Laughter) i’m going to get back to fuck budgets in a minute, but first, I need to inform you a little bit bit about how the existence-altering magic of now not giving a fuck occurred to me. Two and a half years in the past, I was once a senior editor at a most important big apple publishing apartment. I had spent 15 years clawing my approach up the company ladder, I had a roster of satisfactory-selling authors, and everything I invariably idea I wanted from my profession was once coming to go. However I was rather, fairly sad. The style of sad that makes it rough to get out of bed within the morning; the style of unhappy that makes it rough to commute forty five minutes on the NYC subway; and rough to spend eight – ten hours at your desk before turning around, going residence, and doing it all over the place once more. So, I give up. And making that decision used to be also particularly tough. Numerous purple wine, numerous tears. But what came after I give up was nothing wanting lifestyles-changing. After I removed myself from the tradition and way of life of a job that had been making me so sad, I used to be free to focal point my time and power on what would make me completely happy – together with working, but just in one more means – and eventually, on relocating from Brooklyn to a tropical island.I ended giving my fucks to working for a organization, wearing pants, and taking those lengthy subway commutes. And i began giving my fucks to working for myself, carrying bikinis, and taking long walks on the beach. I’m telling you, existence altering. (Laughter) however none of that vary occurred given that I had tidied up my condominium. It happened given that I cleared out my intellect. Let me try and give an explanation for. Suppose your intellect is a barn, and inside it is are all of the matters that bring you joy, but in addition, all the stuff that annoys you. The expertise for a blissful lifestyles is there, however you need to clear out the annoy to make room for the enjoyment. That is intellectual de-cluttering, and it’s magical. I did it unintentionally when I stop my job, nevertheless it was once so mighty that I developed a method so that you can do it on intent.I call it "the no longer sorry method." It has two steps. The 1st step: come to a decision what you do not provide a fuck about. Step two: don’t supply a fuck about these matters. (Laughter) easy, proper? But i do know what you’re thinking: This sounds like a recipe for turning into an asshole. (Laughter) it can be okay, I get that a lot. However that is where the "now not sorry" section is available in. My process is all about not giving a fuck utilising honesty and politeness. So ultimately, you don’t need to think guilty. You’re in your exceptional behavior, and you have got nothing to express regret for. You might be quite literally not sorry. You are also not an asshole. So how would the not sorry process give you the results you want? Well, shall we say, you love ‘recreation of Thrones’ and you have been invited to a Sunday night dinner occasion that interferes with observing your favourite exhibit. You consider dangerous about turning down the invite, but you really love ‘sport of Thrones,’ and you do not need to report it to watch later when you consider that…Spoilers. Good, you most effective have a lot time, vigour, and cash to spend on Sunday night. So, you have to consult your fuck price range. (Laughter) make a decision which recreation brings more pleasure and allocate your fuck bucks accordingly. (Laughter) i’m telling you, when you reply swiftly, "No thanks, cannot make it to that dinner celebration," you could have performed nothing incorrect. You had been honest, you have been well mannered, and you do not ought to be sorry about it. And that is simply the tip of the fuck-berg. (Laughter) which you can observe the "no longer sorry" approach to whatever: tasks, hobbies, tasks, even persons. You start by way of making a record of the whole thing that’s cluttering up your mental barn; all the impositions to your time, vigor, and cash; the fucks you’re being asked to provide.To hold it manageable, i am going by category. So for instance, work is one class, and five fucks on your list maybe necessary meetings, convention calls, your coworkers charity half-marathon, a going away get together for a coworker you don’t even like, and doing all of your specific job. (Laughter) once you have got listed all of them out, you perform the "now not sorry" procedure. The 1st step: make a decision what annoys you. Non-important stuff you don’t care about. Step two: stop giving your fucks within the form of time, vigor, and cash to these matters. Then pass them off your list with a gigantic black marker. It feels good, simply go with it. (Laughter) What i am announcing is, yes, you can also ought to get up and go to work every day, and you can also need to attend some mandatory meetings. But you don’t ought to attend a going away party for a colleague you do not even like.But in case you are nonetheless having difficulty not giving that fuck? I propose a visualization endeavor. Image how you’re going to consider when you walk into that celebration: annoyed or full of pleasure? (Laughter) it’s been an extended day, your feet damage, you do not love socializing along with your colleagues at the place of work, let alone at a shitty bar. (Laughter) You really don’t love pitchers of heat Coors mild. So, what should you do? RSVP ‘No’ of course. Why would you spend your fuck bucks or your genuine bucks on this social gathering? I’ll let you know why. You do it due to the fact that you consider obligated and responsible. You might be psyching yourself out of a perfectly first-class response, "No," earlier than you even are attempting it.Most men and women simply do not believe these things by means of. They are saying "yes" to matters like this proper away, then wind up losing time, vigour, and money on an traumatic, unenjoyable night time out. You waste much more time and vigor just dreading the get together per week previously. And even more, seeking to give you approaches to weasel out of your commitment, then stressful you’ll be able to be noticeable as an asshole for bailing on the final minute. And truthfully? In the event you do bail on the final minute, having in no way supposed to head within the first situation, then you might be an asshole. And also you should suppose unhealthy about it. (Laughter) alternatively, pause; visualize; and say a timely, polite, "No, thanks. Cannot make it." that is how you stop spending time you do not need, with individuals you don’t like, doing matters you do not want to do.You’ll be able to be much less busy, much less stressed, much less annoyed. You’ll have a lot extra time, vigour, and money, and you’ll surprise why you failed to stop going to little one showers ten years ago. (Laughter) but appear. You don’t ought to quit your job and escape to a tropical island like I did. You could make significant, releasing, meaningful alternate simply with the aid of clearing out your mental barn, making a fuck funds, and sticking to it. You do not must arrange a yard sale. You just have to say the phrases "No, thanks." "I do not have time." "I can not come up with the money for it." which you could even say, "i do not wish to." the arena won’t end. This is you being honest and polite. No fucks given, not sorry. The life-altering magic is proper there for the taking.To be sincere, de-cluttering your house simplest takes a few week. Then it lasts one or two. But intellectual de-cluttering? Finding out how to say "No," set boundaries, and give fewer, higher fucks? That lasts forever. Thank you. (Cheers) (Applause) .