#you forget how much bad relationship in media annoy you till you find the good shit

[maypersonne]

you know what Tsutomu and Mariko having their big boy coversation and communicating honestly with each other almost make me wish they didn't break up.

[rj019]

Title : Genius, YouTuber, Artist, Musician and Spider-Man

Fandom : MCU

Pairing : Starker(tony stark x peter parker)

Rating : Mature (NSFW, Sexual Content) but it'll be in the later part of the story not in few chapters of starting.

Prompt : Social Media

Read on ao3 here. And Ch 0 here.

Chapter summary:

Avengers finding out things about Spider-Man.

Here's 1st chapter! Enjoy!!!

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CHAPTER 1

Peter went home and just go to sleep after cleaning up and eating something. He doesn't want to worry about anything right now he's really tired. He knows that now probably all eyes are going to be on Spider-Man. He just needs to lay low for a while and people and media will forget about it soon. As for shield he doesn't want to think right now so he went to sleep.

But before he got too deep into sleep his eyes went wide open as he got an idea to take care of shield issue once and for all. He finally relexed and went to sleep happily.

 

____________________________________________

 

The day after ferry incident at Avengers 

 

The Avengers were in the common room area watching news while having breakfast for last day at the tower since tonight the things were gonna moved to the compound. And they were leaving tomorrow morning.

The news was about Spider-Man and the ferry incident that happened yesterday. Suddenly some news reporter said that they got exclusive footage of the ferry incident. Now everyone was curious about it and wanted to see what actually happened there.

Then the footage played. It was shot from the port. They sees as the some guy with metal wings was fighting with Spider-Man. He was trying to escape from his web. It wasn't so clear as it was in distance. Suddenly an energy blast happened and the ferry was split in half.

Everyone was shocked as to what was that blast. Now even Tony was more interested.

The ferry was sinking but it suddenly stopped. Spider-Man had connected both sides strong points with his web.

Bruce said, " How strong are his web to hold that much of weight together?"

Suddenly webs broke and ferry again started sinking. 

Everyone gasps.

But then again it stopped. Spider-Man was holding it together.

"Jesus Christ! How strong is this guy?", Tony said.

But it didn't look like Spider-Man could hold on for a long time but suddenly some bots were seen flying towards the ferry. Some bots were on the left side, some were on the right side of the ferry. They started pushing ferry togather. But some bots were still in the air. As the ferry got together, the bots in the air started mending it together. The clip ended.

Everyone was shocked as to what just happened. Tony asked Friday to get the clip and play it at the bots part. Tony started analysing it. His thoughts were confirmed that the bots were using arc reactor technology. Tony was in speechless for a while. 

"Who is this spider guy? How does he have my arc reactor technology and all this bots and stuff. Does he even have AI in his suit? It looks like it which will explain how he called the neno bots there." said Tony.

"May  be he had figured out your reactor. Crom the look of it he looks like a genius if he is one who made all those neno bots and AI." Bruce replied.

Tony tells him, "If he had figured it out then how does he not showed it the world. He could have sold it and got so much money. He would have made fortune."

"May be he does not want attention on him and wants to keep it to himself. As for why he didn't sell it, it can be that he knows how much danger it can be if it's in wrong hand. The guy can be genuinely good. After all if he had bad intentions, he would have shown it till now. He is out there for years. Even before NY battle. I saw some of his videos where he is helping people from aftermath of the battle on YouTube." said Pepper.

Nat and Clint were silent. 

Steve spoke up, " Not only that his strength stronger than me or Bucky combined. Why is this guy out there on street and not in Avengers team?"

"Shield is trying to get in contact with him from even before Avengers formed. He has been out there for almost 7 years. We don't know anything about him at all. Not who is or what his powers are or if they are biological or not. Everytime anyone goes after him he somehow knows someone is following as lose them. He was on Fury's list to get on the Avengers. He was on the top spots. But he never got to interact with him. Sheild is still trying to find out about him. The guy is good at cover his trials." Nat explained.

Everyone was blown away by that.

" I don't think so after this all Fury will get him away after this. He can be a big threat if he has this much power in his hand and ever gets on the other side." Clint adds.

" We need to find out who he is. If he is smart enough to figure out my arc reactor and make those techs, I need to have him work for my company and on our team." said Tony as he stood up.

" Wanna help Brucie? And all of you?"

Everyone nods. They all wants to find out who he was. They were bunch of curious heads. 

They tried all afternoon but got nothing and Tony was annoyed.

They decided to take break. Nat, Pepper and Wanda were watching some video on YouTube with others when he and Bruce entered the common room. Looks like the video just started. 

Pepper called them to watch it with them and played from the start.

There was a guy with mask who was playing a tune on guitar and started singing. The song was about Avengers. His voice was so pleasant to hear. There was so much details in lyrics. It continued for 2 minutes. After that video got cut. And the guy appeared again and said 'hey guys it's me again your cinnamon. Oh it's embarrassing to say this name now that I'm much older. I can't believe it's been so many years since we started this channel. I was like 6 when my aunt made my first video. Well it was my new song about the Avengers. Hope you guys liked it. Now let's go to today's video. I'm going to paint a portrait of all of the Avangers' whole team, everyone, new and old members in 15 minutes today while answering some of you guy's questions.' video cuts again.

Wanda paused the video. 'The song is so good. The lyrics are really detailed.' she said as others agreed. She played video again.

The guy appeared again but this time in a different place with canvas colours and all things to paint with. He starts working on canvas fluently and fast but neatly like he's been doing this for years like a professional artist. There was a woman with same mask as him sitting on chair beside him. He turned to her and said 'As you all know she is my Aunt and she will be reading the questions. You can start.' 

The woman smiles to camera and started cheerfully, 'Hey everyone once again! Let's get started with questions. So the 1st one from @user01 how much is your IQ? Your experiments are damn awesome and thing you make is just wow.' 

The boy smiles to the camera but go back to painting as he replies, 'I don't know I have never took an IQ test. I don't want to scare people away ' he gave a quick wink at the camera then goes back to painting. He is already done with base and outlines.

The lady starts to laugh and asks other question. ' this one is from @user02, are you still studying? ' the lady gave camera a weird look which said seriously?

The laugh can be heard from behind the camera. But the guy ssh them down. And replied 'Well you can say I am since I'm working to get my 4th PhD. Next question.'

' @user46 asks who is your favourite avanger? Look like this is a new to you videos. '

Everyone was paying attention now. Eager to know who was it.

The guy continues to paint as he smile and said, ' welcome to see our madness. My favourite avanger is Iron Man. He has been my favourite even before the Avengers were formed since he started. Tony stark has been my idol and crush from when I was 12. You can imagine how I must have felt when I found out he was Iron Man. If you wanna know there is a reaction video on my channel from 6 years ago.'

The lady asks next question ' @user8502 here wants to ask why can't I hack into you account to find out who you are? ' The lady and the camera guy and the guy himself starts laughing but his hands not stopping.He was half done and it was already looking great. 

When they calm down, the guy starts speaking ' you atually tried. Well it's good I made my account unhackable all those years ago cause I didn't want anyone to know who I'm and I still don't. Atleast for now. ' 

They continued with next question, '@user18qq how old are you?'

'I'm 19 and going to turn 20 in 5 or so months.'

'@userttl do you sell your art works?'

'No I'm sorry but I don't sell my work. I have a entire room filled with my all work since my childhood to now in my house.'  He smiles fondly.

'@user77kl what's your sexuality? Are you in relationship? '

This time the aunt continues to speak up, 'not that I know of. Are you cinnamon? '

The guy blush and shakes his head ' No I'm not in any relationship and I'm Bi. Come one aunt let get to next question I'm almost done' he blushes harder.

The aunt coos but ask the next question ' so @user63 wants to know what is your plan for future? '

' I haven't thought yet. I will probably applying for jobs in some famous companies. I'll stark industry too. Who knows if I get the job there and meet my crush. ' the guy smiles. He is almost finished he is just adding details everywhere. The portrait look awesome and he is still adding so much details. It's on professional level good and it not even done in even 15 minutes its only been 12 minute 47 seconds.

'ok looks like you're almost done so last question from @user3945 do you write your songs lyrics? They are so deep and detailed. I've heard all of your songs. You have some ones for individual songs too for Avengers. ' the aunt read.

'Thank you so much for listening to my songs. Yes, I myself write lyrics and compose all my songs.' he replied.

The guy adds some last details and finishing touches. ' So that was the last question for today and my painting is done.' he look behind camera ' how much time it took? '

The camera guy replied, 'it's been 13 minutes 53 seconds' 

' well looks like it took less then 15 minutes. Tada!!! ' he motions to portrait painting.

It was outstanding. It didn't look nothing like it was done in less then 15 min. The video cuts. Then it back again the boy and his aunt is standing togather smiling at camera.

The guy spoke, ' Thank you everyone who watched my video. Please like, share and comment. And if you are new and liked my video you can subscribe my channel. And as always guys if you wanna know how the portrait looks after drying, I'll be posting a pic of it at my Instagram. Check that out. Bye guys see you in next video. Till then take care.' 

Everyone stare at screen as the video finishes.

Rhodey speaks up, " It's a second genius we found in one day. Jesus 4th PhD at 19. Seriously? "

Wanda butts in " The video is 8 months old"

Scott joined in, "Is it only me who is all of a sudden feeling dumb? "

Pietro replied, " you were always dumb."

" If he gets in applies for job at SI we'll find out who he is, unlike some spider." Tony said.

" The guys is telented. Did you see his painting? It was awesome and so detailed and he made it in less than 15 minutes. I was on a professional level good may be better. I can't imagine if the guy did take his time to make something, it will definitely be a master piece. " Steve said.

" No one's gonna talk about the boy's crush on Stark?" Strange said.

Everyone looked at him startled.

"When did you come?"

" I'm here since the song part. You guys didn't noticed. " He replied smugly.

"Tony has been his idol and crush for eight years now. Woah! Even before you become Iron Man." said Clint.

" That mortal did look like there'll be a cute face beneath that mask, what do you think son of stark? " Thor asks.

" Yeah he was cute and had nice voice and all but I'm not gonna date any fanboy if you guys are implementing on that. " Tony sternly replied.

They were talking about the boy when FRIDAY spoke up. " Boss you are having a call from Happy."

"Connect the call Baby girl."

" Hey Happy"

" Boss the plane has took off. Everything is in order."

" Okk Hap. Thanks. "

The call disconnected.

" Looks like we're moving tomorrow as planned."

 

 

 

Not even half hour later Happy's call came again.

"Hey Hap. Everything fine?

" Boss! The plane has crashed at the Coney Island Beach."

Everyone's face turned to horror. They all stood up and went to suit up.

"What the hell Happy. I thought you said everything was in order."

" I'm sorry boss but everything was. The police is already at the scene. They said there was some guy webbed up there with a note from Spider-Man that he was trying to steal the stuff from plane. Some guy called 'flying valture guy'. I'm already on my way to the scene. "

" We'll be there soon too. " 

The line cuts off.

 

Avengers reached at the scene. It looked like disaster. Happy came to them.

"Boss everything is safe. Spider-Man had removed the carrier boxes from the fire before it could damage and the guy who wanted to steal it was webbed up to it. Sheild agents took him to the jail. He is the same guy from the ferry incident yesterday. He was selling some illegal weapons which were mixed with alien tech, they were after him for a long time."

Avengers let out the sighs. 

" It's good nothing's stolen or damaged. Get the stuff to the compound. This time we all will be going with it." Tony said as he motion to the others.

____________________________________________

 

Next day at the compound in the meeting room

 

 

Nick Fury and the Avengers were having the meeting.

" You all know about yesterday's incident was handled by Spider-Man. The plane which was crashed at the beach was not supposed to crash there. I want you guys to look at this video clip which our satellite captured." Fury said as he played the clip.

Spider Man and the Vulture was fight on the top of the plane. Valture broke on of the wings and plane started to crash towards the city and the buildings. 

Spider Man webbed the othe wing and changed the direction of the crash. The clip ended.

"You must have got enough idea how strong this guy is from this and the ferry incident. He is got so much power and advanced technology in his hand. If he is to ever turn on the other side. He can be a great threat. But he isn't showing any signs of that happening since it's been years since he is doing this superhero stuff and looking out for little guy. He had defeated many supervillain like green goblin, lizard, doc oct, electro, sandman etc. I think he will be a great asset to the team. I want you guys to find out who he is and convince him to join the team. Shield has been trying for years but he always got was without any traces. I'm giving you this mission. Hope guys can do it. "

Before anyone could speak up there was a cough heard which was non of there's. As the looks around the didn't saw anyone. They got into a fighting position. 

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Cliffhanger!! Hope you guys liked it.

(人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+

(Peter has finished the 4th PhD mentioned in the video in this chapter. Cause the video Avengers are watching are eight months old. He even finished this fifth PhD in chemical engineering too but now he doesn't want to do anymore studying for now so he isn't working on any and is atually thinking about starting to find a job.

And Howard and Maria lives at Malibu mansion.)

[imagine-loki]

An unexpected friendship

TITLE: An unexpected friendship

AUTHOR: beetrootgirl

Chapter: 3

IMAGINE: Imagine that on coming to earth, Strange and Loki had a heated argument resulting in Strange turning Loki into a 16 years old teenager. He still have his strength and seidr but cannot undo the spell. You, a shield agent, join the avengers in order to be safe and away from the hands of Hydra because of your past and superpowers. You are assigned to be his handler as you are of the same age and have experience in babysitting Tony. No one knows about your past in the avengers except for Tony. 

RATING: Everyone so far

NOTES/WARNINGS: Oh god! Yeah so we have finally completed the reader description *phew*. Here’s where the fun part begins. Again sorry for not uploading sooner. This is a little long (or so I think). The timeline is after two month and the reader is 15. I had so many ideas for this and ended up mixing some of them. Trust me, I wrote this one several times and I was so tired by rejecting that I was like, (dramatically) “This is the last time I’m gonna write it and if it turns out bad, I DON’T CARE!”. So yeah, that’s myself for you *haha*. I think it didn’t turn out ‘logical’, I don’t know. I know I’m late for autumn but I really wanted to write it. If you like it please reblog it. I really need appreciation. English is not my mother tongue so sorry for the mistakes. Enjoy teenage Loki!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tony had been so overprotective of you from that incident on. When Pepper came back, he introduced you to her and she readily adopted you in the family of misfits.

Same thing happened when the avengers came back. Tony introduced you to them and they all greeted you happily and accepted you quickly. They all commented how adorable you were and one by one came over to pull and admire your poor cheeks.

Your cheeks were a hurting mess after that.

Natasha and Clint had a special place for you and you often trained with Nat and she taught you many of her own combat skills. You learned archery with Clint too and he was so impressed at how fast you were learning.

When Spiderman showed up, Tony made both of you to know each other and after knowing about your powers, he adopted you as a sister. He even told you his secret and you often went to his house and Aunt May adored you. She didn’t know about Peter being Spiderman so you told her that since Peter is a little older than you, Tony assigned him to keep you company besides his internship.

You and Thor had a special relationship. He always hugged you whenever you came near him like a bear.

It was autumn, and he was finally returning from Asgard. You were beyond excited to meet him and ask him about his time on Asgard. Everyone was excited. But unbeknownst to all, he was bringing an unannounced guest.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later

Today was the day when Thor was finally coming.

Your morning was not as normal as they always were. You were more excited to see him than anyone expected. You went into the kitchen smiling. Clint gave you a plate of chocolate pancakes and they were gone as soon as you sat at the dining table and started eating.

After breakfast, everyone was in the common room, waiting for Thor to show up any time with that weird rainbow light. The news had spread many days ago and the press reporters were lined up outside the tower to see The Mighty Thor.

After some time, a loud crashing noise was heard, but it seemed pretty far. You all headed out to the window to see what it was, but it was gone as soon as it had arrived. With no signs of Thor. Everyone thought it was a wrong call, but you had a different feeling. Your spider-sense was telling you that something wasn’t right.

~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours had passed and still Thor wasn’t there. The media too was exhausted waiting for him to come. But then a lightning volt struck the tower and landed a jovial and booming Thor. Too…. jovial and booming, you noticed.

He came and greeted you all, “Hello my friends!”

He hugged everyone one by one including you, but you were not as excited as you were earlier. You noticed that something wasn’t good.

Tony grumbled, “ You are very late. We were waiting from morning and now its 11am. What took you so long?”

Thor looked sheepish and answered, “I will tell you everything but first listen to me please.” Then after a pause he continued, “You all remember my brother, don’t you?”

Everyone stiffened and that was the answer he got. “After the Chitauri battle he was put into the cells of Asgard and still was there when I last time went to visit. My mother was not at all happy with him being imprisoned, so she requested my father to change his punishment. She asked him to send Loki with me to undo the damages he has done in the past.” Till the last part everyone’s eyes were wide and Thor was avoiding any eye contact at all.

Natasha spoke first, “Please tell me your father didn’t allow it.”

Thor answered again sheepishly, “Unfortunately, he did. He can’t see my mother sad. But you don’t need to be afraid or anything. He has changed now, well too much actually, and he is not at all dangerous. I assure you, he won’t cause any harm now.”

Of course, no one believed him. Tony spoke up, “Are you really sure he is harmless? I mean, he did try to conquer the earth and it took us several years to rebuild the city after the battle.”

Thor told him irritated, “Yes I am 100 percent- no 95 percent sure he won’t do anything. Especially in this form.”

“What form?”, You asked.

He called out towards the wall, “ Come out brother! They want to see you! You cannot always hide. Come on!”

And then what happened was unexpected. Out of nowhere Loki came out. But what surprised everyone was that his height wasn’t as tall as normal and he looked much younger (like in Thor 1 but more younger than that) and his hair were also not as long as anyone remembered.

He had become a teenager. Almost 15-16 years, you assumed. He was looking irritated and ashamed.

Cap was the first to speak, “What happened to him?”

Thor answered with a sigh, “When we were coming back, I thought it would be best if the reporters don’t know about him. So we landed far away from the tower. But after landing we were sucked up by a portal and landed at Doctor Strange’s. And that’s where everything happened. Strange and my brother got into a very heated argument and when Strange got too annoyed of Loki he turned him into a teenager. He still have his powers though.”

Clint asked, “So, the spell will break or is he stuck in this form?”

Thor said, “We were unable to find any way to undo it so, he is stuck in this form for now.”

No one knew what to do. To relax or to tense up. Everything was so complicated. But then you noticed that Loki was looking at each one of you with no readable expression. And then his eyes landed on you. You both maintained eye contact and you could see curiosity on his face. You gave him an awkward half smile and he looked away to see the rest of the avengers.

Tony said, “Wait, wait, wait. You can’t let him here, in MY tower, without my permission.”

Thor said, “Stark, please. It’s the Allfather’s order and there is no other place here for Loki to stay. We know him. We can perhaps help him to rehabilitate.”

Tony disagreed, “No! How can we keep him here? The city he tried to destroy?! The tower he almost destroyed?! Look Thor, he is a danger and we can’t keep a danger near us. Take him back.”

After that you glanced again at Loki and saw a hint of hurt. Even after all those years living in prison, no one was willing to accept him.

You told Tony, “If Thor is insisting so much, we should allow him to stay here. He reassured us that Loki is changed and he won’t do anything, so where’s the problem in that? Besides, Thor is always here if anything goes wrong.”

Everyone looked towards you like you had two heads. But then Vision spoke up, “I think Su is right. We always have Thor here and it is the Allfather’s order so we don’t know what he will do if we don’t follow it. And if Loki is really dangerous, then there is no other good place for him to live except with the avengers.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. At least you weren’t the only one who had two heads.

Thor pleaded again, “Please, my friends. Loki may have been evil but I know that deep down still there my brother lives. Please, this maybe can change him completely.”

Cap considered that and finally agreed, “Okay, he can live here. As long as he doesn’t cause any trouble.” He said the last part narrowing his eyes at Loki and giving him a warning.

Thor boomed, “Excellent. Come brother, let me introduce you to all of them.” He then took Loki closer to everyone and pointed to all new comers whom Loki didn’t know with their names and powers.

At last it was your turn. You gave him a smile and extended your hand to him, “Hi, I’m Su.”

He didn’t shake your hand, except looked curiously at you, “You are not from here”, he remarked.

You slowly took your hand still smiling and whined internally 'not again’. “No, I’m from India.”

He commented again, “That is not your true name, I presume?”

“No, it’s not”, You answered shortly as you always did to these kinds of questions.

“May I ask then what is your real name?”, He asked irritated by your short answers and forgetting about manners in his curiosity.

“You may not”, You answered still smiling uncomfortably.

Then Thor interfered both of you, “ Brother, stop being rude to her. Here, let me introduce you two. This is Su, an agent of shield.”

Loki asked unbelievingly, “But she is just a kid. Why would Fury hire a kid?”

Thor answered, “That is a mystery to all of us brother. But she is a very sweet girl and almost of your age. You two can warm up soon to each other.”

Loki went to say something but was cut off by the sound of elevator opening and Fury stepped out. He looked to everyone present in the room and everyone looked to him. Then his eyes fell on Loki.

He asked Thor, “Why have you brought him back here?”

Thor went to answer but Tony spoke first, “First off, you tell us why you are here. Unannounced.”

He answered, “I came here to know the reason why Thor is late and why he is appearing after hours from the bifrost crash. And also to check up on Su.”

“So, I’m gonna ask you again, why have you brought your brother back?”, Fury asked again.

“My mother and father thought it best to give him a second chance and send him with me to do something good. But unfortunately, he was turned into a teenager when we came by Doctor Strange and that’s where the two hours have been wasted”, Thor answered making long story short and clearly annoyed by repeating the whole thing again.

“How can we believe that he is not dangerous?”

Thor said, “He is reformed. He won’t do anything to harm any of you and I’m always here if anything happens.”

Fury didn’t look convinced, “No Thor, we can’t have it. You will take his side because you are his brother but he needs to prove that he is truly harmless. I am keeping agent Su as his handler. Su, you are gonna keep an eye on him and make sure he isn’t going to plan something. I trust you. Consider this your new mission.”

“Yes, Director,” You replied formally.

Tony went to disagree, “How can you do this?! No! She is not gonna do that. You are putting her in danger.”

Fury replied calmly, “Stark, I know that. But she can defend herself properly. And I truly trust her.”

With that, he went , leaving you in charge of The God of Mischief.

Wanda said, “If we are done here, I would like to go and do some training.”

And slowly everyone went to do their work except for you, Thor, Tony and Loki.

Thor said, “Come brother, let me show you your room.”

And they both went leaving you and Tony alone.

Tony spoke, “I can’t believe Fury did that. I mean, he came to me with you to keep you safe and now he only put you in danger.”

You said “Tony, I can protect myself, you know that. Don’t you trust me?”

“No. It’s not like that. I trust you. But I don’t trust him.”

“Come on, Tony. It’s fine. It’s my mission. Besides, what could go wrong?”

[mentalcurls]

1. Sembri una pu***na

So I started the all-Skam Italia rewatch last Sunday and it turns out I have a lot to say about it. Like, four pages on Word of stuff to say. It took me three days to get evrything out and make it readable. So here, for you reading pleasure, my thoughts on ep.1 season 1 “Sembri una pu***ana”. There’s some kind of heavy stuff and I draw some parallels to my personal experience, since I was, unce upon a time, a teenager and a student at the same school all the highschoolers in SkamIT attend, and I’m also beginning to do the Bechdel test on the episodes!

The montage at the beginning is really powerful when you link the images from Giovanni and Eva’s class’s time at the Succursale to Gio’s essay, that Eva’s reading in the background, in particular the first part: LudoBesse is basically telling us how much of a waste Eva thinks her and Laura’s friendship is to Laura now

Something else about Gio’s essay (as someone who attended classico): it’s a YES from me because criticizing liceo classico is peak classico culture, it’s a HELL NO because classico is actually the best school in the world and I sincerely hope that if anyone else but himself said/wrote that kind of stuff about his school Gio would be at their throats

Eva has that “seeing someone outside the school gates and static fills your ears” moment just like Marti when he sees Niccolò for the first time! Hers is of course with Laura and Sara, who are with... Silvia and Fede! I like that they showed us a bit of this friendship that we didn’t really get to see in the og.

Martino and that iconic first “A zozzoni!” ❤️

Marti and Gio are competing for who got the best grades in the History test and I have a lot to say about this: we know Gio has really high grades (we are told he has an average of 9/10 in Latin and he got 8,5 in History) and that thing he does, bragging about it with his friend, the friendly competition between them, the actual talking about his grades without worrying who’s listening to him? That shit wouldn’t have flied for me, a once-upon-a-time student of liceo classico with an average of 8/10 in Latin, 8/10 in Ancient Greek and 9/10 in History and in part it was because I didn’t have the best classmates, but for the most part I couldn’t have done that because I am a girl (and my friends and classmates were 98% female)

girls are socialized to be humble about accomplishments, first and foremost, to avoid bragging AND humblebragging as well, and to always care about other people and their feelings; basically, whenever the topic of marks and grades came up while I was in high school, I had to try my best to avoid disclosing my own; if they were brought up directly, say them as dispassionately as possible and then try to change topic; I had be conscious of the fact I was talking someone who had much worse grades than me most of the time, so I had to keep into mind their experience of finding things I found doable (like translating from Latin) extremely hard, of disliking subjects I enjoyed (and most of the time the professor who taught them too, especially when they’d recently gotten a bad mark) and of being frustrated by their grades. I could never have competed with any of my friends about who got the highest marks (most of the time there was actually a sort of “gallows humor” competition over who got the lowest). I couldn’t show I was happy about my good grades, because I’d get negative comments from my friends (yes, even close friends, people I get on with and love to this day) who would dismiss my accomplishment as obvious, something that came easily to me because I was a nerd (the translation in Italian is “secchiona” and it doesn’t have any of the “cute” connotations pop culture gave its English counterpart) and something I shouldn’t “show off”. On top of that, if something was hard for me, it was whatever and what right did I have to complain when I had such high grades anyways, it wouldn’t be a problem in the long run.

So yeah, Martino and Giovanni, right now I kind of hate you for not having to take on any emotional labour in these kind of situations and society for socializing males and females in different ways when it comes to accomplishments and for accepting different behaviours from boys and girls.

QED Gio and Marti turn to Eva and ask her about her mark, she’s reticent but they get an answer out of her (that is not even the truth) and they mock her for it. Yes it’s all fun and games but Eva’s mark is really bad compared to Giovanni’s and Martino’s (especially her real mark) and grades are important for teens, no matter how much they deny it, if nothing else then because they influence their relationship with their parents

you can see Eva is hurt by their careless mocking, by Gio’s fake attempt at placating with “stuff she’s good at” (among which is re-heating pre-cooked food which is at the same time a way to have her “stay in the kitchen” and not even be able to properly cook) and by the way he and Marti underestimate her and laugh at her in the following exchange, when Marti shushes her and she calls him “asshole” with that annoyed face. It’s silly, “loving” mockery but it affects people anyways and it shows a lack of empathy only guys are allowed. She’s expected to take it with good grace (and this takes additional emotional labour) because it’s just for fun and they’re friends and they don’t mean it, but it’s not fair

“There are no secrets in a couple, but there aren’t between friends either.” THE WAY MARTINO PUTS HIMSELF ON THE SAME LEVEL AS EVA in Giovanni’s life, straight away! This boy. And Gio agrees! That shit must’ve been so frustrating, poor Eva.

This conversation  between Gio, Eva and Marti: G: Today we’re going to Elia’s place to study. E: Oh, so that’s what you’re calling it now, studying. M: Oh c’mon, 6 minus, shhh. is the beginning of the reoccurring dynamic between them in the season that will make Eva paranoid and will bring her to confronting Laura and to cheating aka Giovanni keeping a secret, lying to Eva about where he goes and what he does, Martino enabling him by misdirecting or distracting her or Gio doing it himself, then either or both the guys calling her crazy or paranoid for doubting their words. You know what’s that? It’s called gaslighting.

[Gaslighting means manipulating a person by psychological means into questioning his or her own sanity. It’s the same technique that, according to some of his critics, Donald Trump used to get gain traction with voters (see Trump giving “alternative facts” and dubbing the media that fact checked and corrected him “fake news”).]

[I’M NOT SAYING THAT GIOVANNI IS THE SAME AS TRUMP, I DON’T THINK THEY’RE THE SAME, I only want to present an example of how this form of psychological manipulation is an actual thing in the real word and is really effective and dangerous.]

I am aware that Giovanni is just a dumb teenager trying to hide his weed habit from his girlfriend, that Martino is just being a good bro and covering for his best friend, that they’re doing this without any malicious intent towards Eva and that she’s insecure all by herself. Still, gaslighting is not a behaviour our societies should excuse, especially because it’s usually practiced by the usual suspects over women and minorities. I’d never seen it pointed out in the context of Skam Italia so I thought I’d bring it up, especially in light of S2 and of the “unproblematic” label Gio’s been given. He’s not perfect, he does shitty stuff too, then afterwards he simply grows up and becomes better. Let’s not forget about it and celebrate the person he’s become.

Case in point is the whole 1.2 Online clip. This is conversation between Eva and Gio: G: My battery died. E: But you were on-line. G: No, I wasn’t, my phone died a couple of hours ago. E: But I saw you. G: Eva, I don’t know how it happened. There must be something wrong with my phone, I don’t know. Sometimes I see you online and you’re not, too. I mean, everyone knows it happens. We can Google it if you want. E: No, it’s okay. And where were you? G: At Elia’s. E: Till now? G: Yeah. E: That’s weird. I talked to Martino earlier and he said you guys left a while ago. G: Eva, what’s wrong? Martino left earlier and I stayed till now. What, you don’t believe? Don’t you trust me? Are you insane, uh? [G kisses E] Everything’s alright. Little koala? Little koala always works. [G carries E to her room, then they have sex.] Giovanni lies about his phone being dead, then tells Eva that her seeing him online is impossible or a fluke, that everyone knows those kind of flukes happen, then lies again about being at Elia, when she tries to expose him he adjusts and starts questioning why she doesn’t believe him, finally calling her crazy and distracting her with kisses and sex. This is gaslighting.

(I had actual chills as I watched the scene again and typed this.)

Those theatre kids are so awkward, but quoting weird passages from greek/latin/italian poetry by heart is peak liceo classico culture

unsupportive boyfriend Gio shows up again when Eva suggest they go to the Easter party: his first reaction is “What? Why? You don’t even like that”, so savage, but fair Eva reminds him he’s actually a loser who, at 16, plays card to have fun with his friends like a 60 year old

Gio is being an asshole, he only considers going with Eva’s suggestion in exchange for something, then guilts her into accepting his “deal” bringing up Marti’s difficult family situation and her grades, implicitly, by promising to volunteer for the philosophy oral test, plus he’s rude and insensitive af because he brings up her inviting a friends when he knows fully well that when they cheated on Laura she got completely cut off

this will show up again, but let me just start to say it in the first episode: how unfair is it for Eva to be suffering most of the consequences in her life for getting together with her best friend’s boyfriend, when Giovanni faces no consequences that we know of for cheating on his girlfrien? And how unfair it must feel, deep deep down, to Eva

then, when she agrees, he takes back his side of the deal and Eva has to say it’s fine, it’s nothing because he says sorry and that’s socialization kicking in, telling her not to be difficult, not to be needy and not to complain cause that’s annoying and girls guys want to date are not any of those things; honestly, the emotional labour Eva has to go through

that getting ready montage, Eva really goes full on revenge mode like Lady D and she’s fully feeling her oats

the first dress Eva tries on is the same we saw Laura wearing at the party, but Eva’s red while Laura’s blue: I put all my money o it being a dress they bought together and on it being kind of their go-to dress, Eva thought about wearing it to remind Laura of their friendship but in the end decided it would only make things harder

oh, the conversation with Laura at the bar. God, if the situation is this tense can you imagine being in the same class as her and as Gio six hours a day everyday? We’ve talked about how shit it must have felt for Niccolò to be in the same class as Marco Covitti in S2, but Eva’s situation is awful too. I wonder how much of that factors in her bad grades and troubles with school

how more people don’t ship Italian Evanora is beyond me, have you seen this interaction?

on the other hand, I wonder how much Eleonora thought about it later, about how she must have come on too strong, about how maybe Eva thought she was weird or hitting on her and how much that weighed on Eleonora not reaching out first again, cause she makes a face like she regrets her life the minute Eva walks away

it breaks my heart, honestly: Eva has just been told she’s a whore by someone she once considered a friend, but when she finds this person’s new friend, who she doesn’t know, crying in the bathroom she doesn’t bat an eyelash, reassures her and tries her best to help her (so much emotional labour that women “naturally” take on themselves because we’re taught to be empathetic and caretakers even when we’re ourselves in distress)

one question: if Federico Canegallo is as popular as the Villa crew seems to be, how the hell does nobody know him when Eva is looking for “Fede”? Besides, Silvia doesn’t even react to the fact that he’s a friend of Edoardo’s when she sees him in the bathroom!

the interaction between the two Fedes kills me in every version

ok fuck you Silvia for not even saying thanks for trying and looking at Eva like she’s a decerebrate

Bechdel test: the episodes passes the test because of the conversations between Eva and Laura (nice 😑), Eva and Eleonora (though they’re mostly talking shit about other girls, so still not very good) and Eva and Silvia (though we actually don’t know her name yet at this point, we can only guess it from context, so it’s borderline). So this is cute.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.  If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!

[apertedevueblog]

Safe Skies | A Short Story by Danielle Nicole Santiago

It was March 15, 2019 when I said yes to a commitment with a man named Mike. It was the easiest decision that I’ve made for myself so far. We’re so full of emotion that I cannot put into words how many butterflies I felt in my stomach. The feeling was indeed superb. I met mike in a dance group before, when our eyes met, I was stunned by his brown eyes. I do not believe at love at first sight, but since that day, I think I do. Everything was going so smooth and completely fine. I enjoyed the weekend hangouts at his house, we enjoyed every slice of pizza that we shared, as well as every movie that we both chuckled, cry and laugh at. I treasure those late night walks that are full of shared stories, those dates that we made at park. Enjoying the swing and running around like 5-year-old toddlers. But not until the day when Mike seems to control every move and things that I make. It was September 2019 when I felt that something is different. On September 13,2019 it was just a normal school day where I woke up at six in the morning, brushed my teeth, took a shower, chewed on granola bars and packed my school stuff. On that day that I opened my eyes and got up for school, I knew that there was something wrong. It was a normal day at school where my feelings and emotions were strange, and was not normal. I was daydreaming the whole math class, until the bell rang. It was a typical morning break were Mike used to wait for me at the canteen. But since I am not emotionally well that day, I refused to meet him. I texted him right away so he didn’t have to wait, I said “Cannot meet you, maybe later at lunch” he texted back in a few seconds saying “Sure, I’ll meet you there”. I was waiting for myself to feel a little better so that I could meet him at lunch. But to my disappointment, the bell rang again. Yes, It’s lunch and still I cannot help but to overthink. I texted him again and said, “I’m sorry, I cannot make it to lunch, maybe dismissal” he texted back, “Are you okay? You are acting a bit strange” I replied, “I am. I think I’ll have my period real soon, I am not feeling well.” Then he texted me back in a minute, “Do you want me to grab you some lunch? “ I replied so fast in a panicky manner “No, It’s fine, maybe I can meet you later”. I badly wanted to go home, I do not feel so good at that time. I easily get irritated, I find everything and everyone so annoying. I just want to spend the rest of the day on my bed with dash. And if you are wondering who is dash, he is my dog shaped stuffed toy that I cannot live without. Dash is a gift given by my grandparents on my 10th birthday. He’s been with me for 9 years now and I literally bring him during sleepovers or whenever I travel. They said I am too old for a toy, but I said that I am not too old for a best friend, right? I cannot sleep without hugging my dust full stuffed toy best friend. Anyways, it is 2:55 pm, five minutes more until I can finally get to go home. I was still undecided whether if I’ll meet mike or not. I am still skeptical. I forced myself to make a decision in a span of 30 seconds. Then I finally made my final judgement, I met I mike at the hallway, he attempted to hold my hand but I avoided it. He asked me right away, “Are you sure that you’re okay?” I replied, “Yes I am.” Then he offered, “ I can drive you home” then I refused, “ No, thanks. You don’t really have to” then he stuttered, “But..” I replied immediately, “No buts, I’ll see you tomorrow at the park near the subdivision at twelve noon, bye” then I left immediately and walked as fast as I could. He waved me goodbye and yelled “See you!”. I am finally home, I cannot describe into words how comforting it is to be finally home after a mentally and emotionally tiring day. I went upstairs and changed my clothes, then I laid on my bed and hugged dash. The moment I rested, millions of thoughts were bothering me. Why mike tried to control everything. From the clothes I wore, social media posts that I posted, to the people that interacted with, I could no longer talk to my guy friends either. And what I am worried about the most is that he controlled every decision that I made for myself. Little by little, I lost my passion. Right from the start, I knew that I had a passion in running a business. Maybe it is because I am a daughter of entrepreneurs, or maybe I just like the feeling of having money in my pocket. Kidding aside, almost everyone knew me as an independent person. My parents saw that at an early age of mine. I did not seek for help with my home works because I do believe in myself that I can do it without anyone by my side. I did not need my mom to assist me in baking cookies at the age of 9. And before I met mike, I ran my own business. It was a small business of mine where I sold personalized stuffs. The business was doing good, but I needed to stop. Because Mike demanded for time and attention as much as I did to my business. I did not really have any regrets till the day that I realized I lost a lot of the opportunities. It was the 14th of September at 12 noon when I was supposed to meet mike at the park. But this time, I stood up for myself and made a decision. I refused to meet him. Because every time that I face him, the harder it was for me to choose whether to stay in our relationship or live my independent life. I texted him instead, I said “I’m sorry, I cannot make it today, do not attempt to visit me because I am not ready to see you.” I am glad that he listened. As soon as he got home, I texted him this, “ Hello. I know it is a bit confusing, but let me get it straight. Few days ago, I had a thought, not a random one, but a serious one. I noticed that you managed to control everything that I do, from the way I dress, to the way I talk to people, you made me stop my business because you said that I did not have enough time for you as much as I did with my business ventures. Before I entertained you, you knew it yourself that I am not a typical girl. I am an independent young lady who has her own business and managed to make big decisions on her own. I do not know why I let these things to happen, but all I know is that I wanted to be a best version of myself. Remember the day that I told you that I do not want you to be a pilot because I am afraid that if something bad happens, I will lose you. You would have enrolled to your flying school this year but I refused to agree with your decisions. I am really sorry for that, I should’ve understand. Just like you, who wants to be a pilot, I also want to be an entrepreneur. I can see that it is not healthy for us to stay in this relationship with these kinds of differences. Know that I am grateful for all the things that we shared, and I believe that our relationship had a purpose. It made us realize that we are the pilot of our own planes. We have personal lives outside our relationship. It is not realistic that we think that the world only revolves around us. Thank you for making me appreciate of how independent I am, and of how successful I am prior our relationship. Surely, this lesson will stay with me for the rest of my life. Safe skies, Captain.” After I sent him a message, I blocked him on my social media accounts, I did not wait for is reply. Because I believe that it will be more painful for me if I read those. Fast forward of who I am now, and how far I became, I am now the CEO of our family’s company, and managing various businesses such as hotels and restaurants. Did I forget to tell you about our family business? It was just last 3 years when this company was offered to us, My parents and I gave it a go. And now, I am a CEO of an airline here in the Philippines. And I am engaged to a pilot who used to stop me on my businesses years ago. I am amazed on how destiny played its role in our relationship. Sometimes, we need to choose a path. A path that we think is best for us. Enjoy the moment and live with it, let destiny do its job.

[cmfrtlvls]

W Tori

Basic Background

Tori, 1996

Born in China, left to Singapore at 7

For better health and school

Born in China, moved to Singapore at 7. 1 October 2003, China’s National Day! I betrayed my motherland and nationality. Haha!

On Health

I came here because I had health complications. I had a very weak respiratory system since birth. Seeing the doctor every month, taking medications every month in order to breathe, stay alive and not have a sinus. It’s not to the point I had to stay in the hospital although I was very close to that path. Doctor advised my parents, “It’s either you send your daughter out to New Zealand or Singapore. Or you let her stay here in China and get an asthma.”

Then environment in China is so bad even till today that it will give me an asthma.

Banana Girl

So my parents send me to Singapore, they don’t want me to forget my Chinese roots.

There’s this term called “Banana Girl” “Xiang Jiao Mei”. You see one color on the outside and you see another color on the inside. They don’t want me to look like a Chinese but only know how to speak english, if I moved to New Zealand.

My mother needed to find a career where she can thrive in, she became a Chinese teacher in a government based school. So Singapore was a good choice for the both of us.

I recovered within 2 months while I was in Singapore. Sinus became a occasional thing.

Initially my parents only wanted me to stay in Singapore for a year to recover, then go back to China. They realised later that I enjoyed school here so much. My mom was doing well here in her teaching career and so we stayed.

On Mental Health

I was depressed in China, I frequently got picked on, bullied a lot. My mother is the only one that knew about the bullying. I feel that I do not fit into China’s educational system where kids are very strong, persistent, perfectionist and excel in a lot of skills. I’m not that type of person, I needed guidance and assurance. Teachers in China were very tough on me. So I was bullied by both teachers and kids.

I’m slow at learning, I can’t absorbed things as fast as the other kids. On the contrary when I studied in Singapore,, I absorbed things really quickly and soon became one of the top students in class. I picked up english really quickly. My surroundings really helped me a lot. Yeas it was stressful in secondary school, polytechnic doing exams and what not, but all I see about China was clouds. If you want me to describe my 7 years in China, it is a land of gloomy, dark clouds.

My dad likes to wonder, “What if you continue to live in China?” Yeah sure! One fine day at home, front page news paper: “Kid jumps down school building, committed suicide.” I’m very sure the kid will be me because I was really, very depressed. The thought about waking up each day to go to school, I had no motivation to move day by day.

Where would you rather live?

Coming to Singapore was like sunny skies, rainbows and occasional ponies. Till today, I still want to be in Singapore. I have tried to stay in China for a month. I can’t get used to living there, unless I stay in the same estate as my dad and not travel around China, I can survive. But if you talk about asking me to drive, in that environment? I don’t think I can manage it that well. As you grow older you will realise how important family is and you have a better understanding of how you can never dump your roots so I appreciate my home in China a lot. I used to be so whiny whenever I needed to go to China, but right now I would want to stay in China as long as possible to spend more time with my family. My grandparents used to live with me, therefore my connection with them is very strong, the most important people in my life is my grandparents, my mom and dad. As long as I get to spend time with them I am fine. As I grew older, my cousins and aunts start to matter to me to a certain extend. It’s not something I can go “ Oh I can just come back twice a year and I’m fine with that.” I yearn to spend more time with them but it’s not my choice because I do have responsibilities and I can never get used to China. Since grandmother recently moved back, I have even more stronger attachment to China now than before.  My dad continued to live in China to deal with his business because he can’t pick up languages as fast as my mother could. My mom preferred Singapore because it is not as intense as it is in China. She gave up a pretty good position back in China, she could have been promoted to Vice Principal but she decided to come to Singapore, to start from ground zero, to be a Chinese Language Teacher. I’m very thankful and lucky that my mom is willing to do that for me. No one else could spot that I was sad in China besides her.

How to you feel when people see you differently?

I think in the 2000’s everyone in Singapore would find you cool because people don’t know a lot about China. Now it really depends what kind of person you want to portray yourself as. I’m generally quite nice to everyone and I sound very Singaporean already, I blend into the culture very well and they don’t seem to mind or notice even when I do reveal that I am not local.

Some people could tell that I am not local from the first look where else some can’t and they usually would be shocked to know that I’m not local. It’s really 50/50.

There are two different type of China kids. One is that they choose to blend in, like me. The other is like “I LOVE my country, I’m not gonna betray my country’s culture for this!” Some don’t have much choice as some would come to Singapore a bit later in their age.

In secondary school there were this group of China kids clique, they were quite annoying.

You can tell that they just don’t want to fit into Singapore. Since my friends know that I am the easy going nice China girl they would ask me “Tori what’s your opinion on these kids? Why are they so annoying but why are you so nice?” I’m pretty sure they have their own troubles.  

I’m quite malleable since I came to China at 7 anyways. I love China too but I don’t want to hold that pride so much that it makes people around uncomfortable.  It’s easier for people to process in the past, but now I feel a little more hesitant to tell people about my nationality. I’m afraid that they will judge me based on all the recent China tourist’s behaviours. It is quite scary to reveal your true blood without actually relating to China tourists. When I told my classmates, they would say “ok, cool.” But you can tell from their faces that they are judging you negatively and thats when you question wether you should be proud to say that. I love China, but I also love Singapore, besides I got a Singapore citizenship at 21!

Would you go back to China and live there forever?

It’s a very obvious choice between the two, I can see myself rooting in Singapore than in China. I wouldn’t go back to China out of the blue to stay there forever, that’s for sure. Unless the environment change that is! I have 50/50 memories in both China and Singapore. I have no friends in China, but I met a lot of friends in Singapore that lives in the same place as me in China. I don’t know if it’s me or it’s my dad who is trying to bridge me to my relatives, I am very close with my relatives now, especially my cousin. It’s like a low maintenance best friend relationship. Like we can be so close even though we see each other for twice a year. I’m not that China kid who move here and completely lost touch and gets awkward with the cousin.

I am family orientated in China but I do keep up with the current issues of China via Wechat. So I know briefly what is going on. I don’t want to go back and not know what’s going on, my dad will go “You know nothing of what’s going on?!"

How do you feel about this two countries in general terms?

I feel like Singaporeans has to be more open minded to China, the Chinese from China who choose to move to Singapore because you can’t judge them base on the media or what you see from the surface. China is so vast that you feel like you know, but you don’t know. There is so much more to understand instead of judging.

I try to have a very neutral standing for both counties as I learn both good and bad about these two countries. I don’t get over protective when people talk about the bad things about China. I would rather ask if people can be more understanding, to some extend you will understand why certain things China people do will become clearer. It doesn’t kill to open up a little more. Have you ever thought of how China citizens view Singaporeans? It’s either you give it space of you just be judgemental.

I have seen people of China background, tries to get rid of the China identity, and when people bad mouth about China they will just go with the flow. I wouldn’t join in. Neither will I be affected by it. It’s your view not mine, and I am not ashamed of my nationality.

China has a very good impression of Singapore. If you see the amount of China tourist coming to Singapore you know how they love this city already! How safe, how clean, it’s a garden city! Singapore is so technology advanced everywhere! The comfort of being able to converse Chinese and see similar types of people here.

I notice that China tourist would always go for tours whenever they go to Europe, but when they are in Singapore they go free and easy. They just know that Singapore is a safe place to be. And very good currency rates too!

Would you change anything about yourself?

I had moments when I did not want to tell anyone about my nationality. Didn’t want to be truly genuine to put myself out there. I wish I had more pride to tell people that “Oh, I am from China and I am not afraid of that.”

What is your plan for the next 5 years?

To turn into a morning person, pursue illustration major to become a part time illustrator. Lastly to get back in touch with Chinese calligraphy so that it can make me a stronger illustrator.

[uwu-lla]

Aight so here is my lil Ol vent, 90% of it is barely understandable rambling but here it is.

So my hyper fixation atm is what little bit of lore I’ve got from Overwatch fan fiction lol And because I only have little tid bits my brain is all “let’s fill in the gaps! Make up our own plot!” N I’m just like “no! Dumbass, this isn’t good for us! We need to stop trying to think of this and get back in touch with the real world!” But of course that never fucking works, and this one is esp bad and idk y? Like I’ve had hyper fixations before but they’ve never been THIS intense. Haven’t torn me up this bad before.

But like, the bits I do get of the lore is that everything in this continent is screwed n my paranoia has gone like “that’s gonna happen soon!” N I just scream internally everytime. I guess I just really hate it when American media people decide to make my country nothing more than an apocalyptic wasteland. Like, they love to focus only on the shitty bland white Australian culture while this place literally has the oldest people n culture in the world???? Like what the koories got is so much better than the white bullshit excuse for a “culture” that Americans seems to be in love be with.

And speaking of American idolisation of white Australians, it really peeves me off that the two Australian characters are basically the Overwatch universe equivalent of racists and when I learned that I was just “fuck, THIS again. Like we needed more examples of ‘casual Aussie racism” and it’s super annoying because they’re shipped together n it’s like my dream come fucking true like they’re BOTH Australian AND gay??? Yes! Finally! Something I can personally relate to! But then I found out they are futuristic robo racists. But like, u know of anything else with gay Australians with a large fan base that updates near constantly? No! So I just have to suck it up ignore it cuz this is as good as it’s gonna get for me. And I’m not saying that the roadrat people are racists in fact they’re the exact opposite n I know they’re in the same boat as me, trying to ignore the maybe metaphorical White Australian Racism so they can enjoy a gay couple with a great dynamic n very different body types.

It just peeves me off that once again, just like with all those shitty mad max movies n crocodile Dundee, white Australia is put in the spotlight in American media and any good culture that this continent has is ignored.

I guess now I’ll talk about the bits of lore my brain has decided to fill in???

Okay, so I know that like, the company or whatever that makes the robots decides everyone who lives in the desert can get fucked n move which is real shitty n happens allot today but I’ll talk about that later. So, desert people r understandably pissed. U can’t just do that, we’re gonna fight u! But instead of getting angry at the company, they get angry at the robots??? I think idk. But anyway, desert people decide robots r bad, n all must die. So they kill a bunch, n end up blowing up the nuclear reactor that makes robots, resulting in killing EVERYONE. Like EVERYTHING, robots people plants animals u name it. So now the desert people r all crazy n sick, and the rich city people n company people don’t want to help cuz it’s they fucking fault since that factory wasn’t supposed to be there. And so yeah, two Australian terrorists, blah blah.

But here’s the thing. Right now, real life right, the desert communities in central Australia are mostly Aboriginal. Cuz it’s they land, n they’re luckily been able to keep it that way cuz they’re so far from the coast n the cities. But the thing that happens all the time? They get pushed off of their land by mining companies. So when I learned that bit of Overwatch lore, I was like “hang on r they referencing this???” N so my brain started to fill in.

I’m guessing, that this lil desert town of 95% Aboriginal people r in the way of Future Robot Company. They want them gone, they wanna dig n make more robots (don’t know y???). BUT, you see, in certain areas of central Australia, the Aboriginal communities have been able to get official land rights recognised by the government. Which means they get to have a say in what happens to their country in the Parliament House (sometimes. It’s def not perfect). So, obviously this future desert town is like “lol no u can’t mine our country dumbass” n the gov gotta go with that. But, mining companies r horrible fucking people, so they find a loophole. They say “but we wanna make this a safe place for our robots! We love them n everyone is trying to kill them” so the gov shittily lets it happen, n the company is cheering cuz yay they get to mine n the robots will get blamed for it! So the desert people r all super pissed, n some decide that it must be taken out on the robots! They’re the ones doing all this! But like I said before, this shit happens irl all the time to desert communities. The Aboriginal community understands it’s this shitty company doing all this n using the already being oppressed (???) as an easy blame.

And this is where the “ALF” come in.

Now when I learned about that, it really squicked me out. Cuz here in Australia, there is this skin head group called “Australian patriots front” n the “ALF” that Mako joins sounds like these nazi scum decided to take advantage of these angry desert people, swapped 'Patriots’ with 'liberation’, n recruited these people to push their own hateful agenda. N mako fucking falls for it, cuz he really thinks the robots r to blame. But, the other part of the desert community sees right through this bullshit n tries to stop this group from doing their robot ethnic cleansing. So, being the reskinned nazis they are, the ALF starts to also attack the Aboriginal community of this town for not wanting to kill robots. Mako just goes along with it, cuz he’s young n stupid n hoo boy does he hate robots. So a big Ol fight breaks out. ALF goes to destroy the factory, despite the koories being like “dumbasses ur gonna kill us all its not the robots it’s the sickos in the cities go kill them” n boom. They kill everyone n everything, n have made everything to ever live in the desert sick for eternity. I’d like to think that 90% of the koories were able to get out of there before it all went to shit, so all the people remaining r mostly white. Which kinda explains y Mr. Scopophobia is a blond white guy. So, he grows up with all these remaining ALF people telling him the reason everything is bad is because robots did it. So he too hates robots for a thing they had no control over, n kills any he sees. He has no idea that at one point everyone who lived in this shell of a town was Aboriginal, and probably doesn’t even know that Koories are even a thing. Then yeah he meets mr pig face n decides to go kill robots n rich people (I’m happy with that) in the outside world, and mr pig just doesn’t tell him about how he was partly responsible for ruining their continent and ensuring a shitty upbringing for Jun Jun. why would he? He doesn’t wanna ruin this relationship! Sooo it’s just best lil stick thin man doesn’t know.

After lots of stealing n robot related hate crimes, they for some reason??? Join Overwatch (which I’m not really sure what they do???) n they barely avoid not killing the robots that work there. Which brings me to what I learned not too long ago, that the robots were raging against the machine (horf horf) n had decided to revolt against the human race(I for one welcome our new robot overlords) n start killing humans (2 wrongs don’t make a right buddies). So Overwatch decided to not just stop the robots from killing people, but squashing their revolution n making them back into the servants they were made to be (fuckin shitty) That’s what I understood anyway. Idk. If I’m right about that, why, of all fucking times of our history, would blizzard decide to have a story about a government organisation destroying an oppressed race’s revolution. Like, that’s in bad taste.

So yeah my illness riddled brain has decided to cling to all this, making daily life very difficult for me. Having massive disconnections from reality, like, shit that lasts almost a whole day till my rents get home n snap me out of it. I forget to eat, drink, walk Sputnik, etc. cuz I’m just so lost in my own thoughts. I’m seeing a psych today, but she n a bunch of others might decide if I tell them this to not let me have top surgery so I’m scared to tell her. And cuz my brain has clung onto all this crap, it’s always focusing on how the robots r getting abused n so my brains like “help them! Do it! Now!” N I’m just like “fucker they ain’t real u know this so y r u being a dumbass n wasting time on this” so I’m all pent up n frustrated. I’m not really sure on how to go about dealing with this. I can’t exactly set up a ritual n ask Bunjil n Bellin Bellin to give me a cure for my mental illnesses. I think I’ll look up ways to connect with reality when I get home n see what that tells me.

So yeah, I’m real frustrated. Frustrated with my tiny White Suburban Mum town, with the society we live in where I can’t find a place simply because I can’t do certainly n things n therefore useless to the working world. Frustrated that I can’t help the koorie community here cuz I have no useful skills, n all the hard work at school last year has been all for naught.

So yeah, hopefully this will be the end of this big Ol vent. I’m kinda scared about posting this, scared of people deciding I’m a bad person for whatever reasons in here n going after me. Last thing I need is a digital army against me. Aight bye bye.

[kendracs]

How to find

Summary: "Doesn t mean anything to you that I come this far to find you?"

"Doesn't mean anything to you that I come this far to hide from you?"

"No, no it doesn t. Because you weren t running from me. You were running from yourself. But you can’t leave me behind. I’m selfish and the only way I know how to love is selfish too. I won’t let you go again"

M rated for adult themes.

Disclaimer: I don`t own pokemon. Though I did get inspiration from some scenes of Grey`s Anatomy, Gossip Girl and some fics I read a long time ago and I can´t even remember the names but some scenes got stuck on my head.

A/N: Again My first tongue is Spanish not English so forgive my grammar and misspelling mistakes, I couldn`t find someone to help me edit this, (please if you want to help me imbox?) Also the chapter was going to be much longer but I think it was good to leave it where it is.

  FF.net (chapter 1 is here too)

Chapter 2

.x.-----Colors------.x.

 What she find is not a beginning at all. Is more like that dream-like-place you drift to with closed eyes when you have nowhere to go.

News about her father spread fast and soon enough is what everyone is talking about. People buy magazines and newspapers eager to find out what happened to one of the most beloved gym leaders of Hoen. The gossip is so big that even people in the secluded town in Aloa- where she is staying- are talking about it.

“Did you hear? He had an affair with a girl younger than him”

“Surely it was that kind of girls you know. I truly feel for the wife though. There is always someone younger and more beautiful”

“They said there is a child! Can you believe it? A child out of his marriage! How scandalous”

“Their marriage is ending up so messily, I heard that their kid, a young trainer, is stepping up to take care of the gym”

“I could have swear that they had an older child, a girl”

“Oh, she is coordinator, and not a good one I think”

May just make herself tiny and ignore the conversation around her, as little by little color keeps draining fromf her sight.

Everything is shades of gray, black and white this days.

-» «-

When she first landed after days and days of traveling she had find out that she was in Aloa and there was still 5 months for the contest season to begin.

It was only a week later that the news about her parents divorce spread and part of her wanted to go back home and support her mother, hear her father, hug her brother. But when she had called, Caroline had dismissed her and told her to keep a low profile. Max had been send to the Orange Islands with Professor Eve to study.

Her mother had been protecting her children from the painful way media had reacted.

There were articles about her family everywhere, about everything. Some true, some false. Mostly hurtful.

Her friends had tried to reach her.

Misty –even if they only met once so long ago.

Ash –Surprisingly since they had lost touch years before.

Brook – Fatherly Brook that now was some sort of doctor or something like that?

Solidad –Dearest sisterly-motherly Solidad.

Harley- Like…Really?

Brianna –She barely remember her but she had called anyway

Dawn –Witty, sweet Dawn that has kicked her ass so long ago.

And… and Drew-She could barely think about that one without flinching.

She ignore them all and turn off her phone.

They portrayed her father as an awful person and her mother as a stupid woman.

She knows they are not. But some part of her is so bitter because they were exactly that.

They never talked about the happy times, about their love. At this point –where there lawyer in the middle, scandalous trues coming to light by both sides and acrimonious words exchanged- May truly believed that even her parent had forgotten about it.

May didn´t and perhaps that was what wounded the most.

Maybe it was only part of life. Love and forget. She was still waiting for the later.

Drew.

She loves him. She knows she does. But this love is nothing like love was supposed to feel, like she always dreamed when she was a little kid.

No this feel like falling in black abysm, a bottomless abysm. She feels like falling even though she already hit the floor. And it hurt, oh, so much. But the feeling doesn´t stops because even if she reached rock bottom the emptiness in her stomach, the sensation of vertigo remains and is killing her, ripping her to shards.

Because when everything is going downhill she thought she would have him. But she doesn´t and so she sinks into that sensation because there is nothing to hold her back.

-» «-

The girls in Aloa are so beautiful with tanned skin and slender bodies. Their hairs are so colorful – bright pink, light blue, daring violet, sexy red and shiny yellow- And May feels so plain beside them.

She can´t help to remember the beautiful girl with summer sunlight in her hair that stole Drew´s heart. How her curves were seductive yet elegant and how her own are not that impressive, she even feels kinda round in places she shouldn’t. Her skin doesn’t look as flawless as other girls does, and when she is the street or other places where are a lot of people she want to hide so she looks at the floor and pretends that she is not there.

Her self-esteem is so down in the floor that is buried by piles of dust and mud.

That is until she meet Gary Oak.

-» «-

She meets Gary the second month she is in Aloa when she bumps into him. Till this point no one knows where she is, she hasn´t told anyone and had keep interaction with other people to minimum. So when Gary start talking to her she is half glad half apprehensive. They click in all the right ways. He is loud and exuberant, flirty and arrogant, sassy and with a brash manner that May find very refreshing. He is also very funny in a more dark-sarcastic way. But she can take his attitude and bite back because they are so much alike being so damn different

“Why did you decide to talk me?” She ask one day when they are having ice cream and she is stealing of his cone.

He chastised her hand with a playful spal before looking at her “I don´t know. I guess I could see myself in you. I don´t want to be alone either” He says casually, but she understands all the hidden implication.

She knows he is a famous researcher, one of Ash childhood friends – Oh imagine the surprise- and he also had his heart broken. Just like her.

Apparently the two broken people chose the same place to scape. How fitting.

Soon enough is obvious they are attached by the hip, where one goes the other follows morning coffees, late dinners, and silly old movies in lazy afternoons. And when he is around she doesn´t feels so lonely anymore. Drew is still in her head, he is like that annoying raw place in the eyeglasses that don´t let you see clearly, but you can`t take the glasses away because then you can`t see at all, so you`re stuck with this constant annoyance at the side of your eye if you don`t want to go blind into the world.

Blind sounds so appealing sometimes.

But now thing are better because Gary is there to give color to her days. He is like the soft brown of the earth, grounding her to reality, showing her a whole new path.

He is different than her in a lot of things, he likes partying, for one, and she never been in a party, so in her seventeen birthday, the legal age to do everything, he insist for them to go to a club.

She don´t want to voice her insecurities but he seem to catch on it anyway. And he is so understanding. So when he takes her to one of those clothes stores –“Take this as your gift, I, the great Gary Oak don´t go shopping with girls. I mean come on what do I look like? A Gay friend?”-And she is only slightly hesitant when he shoves a black little dress at her – I think that will do, he says- When she is out of the changing room he is flirting with one of the workers of the shops so she only rolls her eyes and laugh.

The dress shows all the curves she didn´t know she had, is sultry but somewhat elegant and when Gary´s thumb goes up she doesn´t hesitate to take it home with her.

But the dress is only the beginning. Because after he is shoving her in front a woman that start working in her hair and her face.

She can barely believe that the girl-woman that look at her from the other side of the mirror is her. She doesn´t recognize herself.

“See? You are beautiful” The Gary in the mirror says, she can see his smirk in front of her and feel his warmth behind her.

Their relationship is not romantic, they are the best kind of friends really, even if sometimes she doesn´t understand quite well what the implication of this friendship are. But his words do make her feel really beautiful.

This is the first time in so long that she felt really beautiful.  The first time she feel in control just like when she was in a scenery making a performance.

-» «-

The club is thriving with people, energy and happiness. She is truly awed and doesn´t realize that she is frozen in one place close to the doors they had come in until Gary shoves her shoulder with amusement showing in all his face.

There are so many colors!

The lights shine in a dance of color that change with the music beats. Red- bum- Purple –tun, tun tun- blue –ban- yellow –dum dum-  Green –prum, prum- yellow –thum- and all over again.

She doesn´t like to think in yellow or green. Because her hair is yellow while his eyes are green. And the ache in her heart. Oh the ache.

Just for that, sometimes she is grateful that all she can see are shades of gray in her day-by-day life.

But when Gary press a glass with blue liquid in her hand, and when she drowns it and it´s sickly sweet flavor hits it´s warm way in her stomach and dizziness overcomes her head, she sees all kind of colors, and for once Green and yellow are not that bad. They don´t hurt. Nothing does.

Glass after glass make wonders in her body and her mind and the more glasses find its way to her hand less and less her problems seem to matter. Because in the sweetness of her little magic potion there are no place for her mother, her father or Drew. And as the music drowns all her worries she find herself moving her hips and arms in synchrony with the beats of the music.

For the first time in so long she feel completely and totally unlost.

She loves it.

-» «-

May and Gary find a safe sanctuary under the neon lights and the fuzziness the sweet drink brings them. This place it’s happy and nothing can haunt them here.

Here she is beautiful and she is free.

Here the broken part of her start gluing together making something new, making sense even if only for a few hours before they are shattered again. But in that time her broken self is only a ghost so far away.

Here there is no Drew to drain her thought with ghost words or vivid images.

-» «-

It have been two more months and the contest season is just around the street. She doesn´t know where the time flew.

They been traveling around, trying new clubs and staying long enough if one of them catch their attention too much.

Their dynamic has changed in all the right ways. They still not romantic involved but the walls of the prudency and modesty had fallen.

They start sharing a room, sometimes even a bed, since when? She doesn´t know, and they don´t mind too much because they only use it to stumble and pass out early in the mornings.

Gary holds her hair –Long, every time longer because pretty girls have long hair- when May is hunched over the toilet, those times when the biting cold of the tiles on her bare knees of the bathroom makes her feel dirty and stupid. And May caress his hair those nights when he start crying for reasons he won`t tell her, she never mentions noting the next morning because she know he doesn´t remember.

They also save each other when unwanted company try to get too close in the club, not that they reject all company altogether. Sometimes with her marshmallow senses and muffled awareness she find herself kissing a pretty boy, she almost never remember their names or faces but she know that they were pretty. As for Gary, well she doesn´t ask when he doesn´t go back to their room some nights.

There are limits they don´t cross, they are not interested in discover what is behind that invisible line they both draw together. Maybe they are just afraid to find out.

It doesn`t matter life is so good right now.

-» «-

She didn´t train too much for her first contest in this new, wonderful region. She knows that early training when her head is still kinda dizzy and her thoughts kinda muffled or afternoon when she can`t wait for the night, are not the best way to train her pokemons.

Still she gives her best because she loves her pokemon and they deserve a good trainer. Also because if she busy herself enough with her attacks and performances there is no room to think of anything else, of anyone else and she can have a productive day until night comes and she can get back to her heaven where she is untouchable.

This new paradise she just meet gives her a fresh perspective and she tries to simulate the bright colors and shiny lights in her performances. Maybe this look like a new stile and technic for her, but the true she doesn´t want to face herself is, that she is truly just trying for her night life to mixt with other aspect of her life, That way she can feel powerful for longer than a couple of hours.

Gary helps with battle training and gives her tips here and there.

It´s not that she feel confident enough when she decide to go for the first contest of the region to get her first ribbon, is just that she doesn´t care all that much as long she can either celebrate a victory or nurse a lost in the night.

Paparazzi go crazy when they see her and the attention is so overwhelming that she wish she could taste one of those blue drinks and pretend the flashes of the cameras are nothing more than a pretty cacophony of color in the night.

They ask question she can´t fully understand and they shout to get her attention, to say tight about other things she doesn`t want to think about. All she want to do is sink in the floor and disappear.  

And then Gary is there taking her away from the preying eyes hungry for her to make a mistake so they can bring her down, down, down.

“If they going to talk at least give them something to talk about” He says in a hushed tone.

The next morning there are news about her.

How she kicked everyone asses in the contest and won the first ribbon of the season.

How she apparently is in a romantic relationship with Gary Oak. They both scoff at this, and then a fit of laughter overcomes them.

Both news treated with equally importance for the media.

She doesn`t truly know to which of them Gary was referring to when he said she should give them something to talk about.

She doesn´t care.

-» «-

Her whole style has changed, she finally feels pretty like the girls on the streets and magazines, her skin is flawless, her hair longer and the constant outing and dancing made her skinnier, her legs are slender when she put on dresses or shorts, and her waist is tinier, even her face has lost all the baby fat she didn´t know she still had.

Her clothes too, changed, she no longer uses bandanas or biker shorts. Gary usually tell her what looks good on her so she can be sultry and enticing in the night and more subtle and fresh in the morning.

People like it, so she do it for them to like her too.

People are not going to like too much this particular day though.

She is wearing a faded jean short, sneakers and tank top, her hair is messy and under her eyes are bags. She feels so ugly.

At least skitty doesn´t think so because she is nuzzling her head in her leg and pressing her wet nose in her calf, May absently pats her head.

Two day away from her next contest and she is out of ideas, her head still foggy from last night and her stomach constricting every time she sips of her mug of coffee.

She is sure she is so un-pretty right now.  

But this has to go away, she has to win her next ribbon. Because this is her third contest and could be as well her third ribbon to.

If she wins people will not care she is un-pretty, they will like her anyway. She firmly tell herself.

So she is unaware of the catune that is wildly gesturing to her and her skitty. However she have little time to be surprised before she is enveloped in a bone crushing hug by a wailing guy in a costume similar to the pokemon that is looking at her with wide eyes. She doesn´t understand what the hell the guy is saying and that make her head hurt.

Please. Please just shut up.

“… And we were so worried, where…”

“Stop!, just… stop” She says, positively cutting him off of his babbling.

He takes her in, and he doesn´t seem all together happy to what he sees. She feels awful when his eyes scan her.

Back to ugly. So ugly. A loser.

His eyes dries up and narrow in an inquisitive frown.

“Where have you been?” Ask Harley in a collected manner, his voice has not the usual high pitched quality he always carry on. And that takes her aback. “Why didn´t you take our calls? We were so worried!” He seems almost serious and that make her uneasy “with all that happen with your pare…” And then he stops abruptly, there must be something in her face, because he is looking at her in a weird way.

Lies. He lies. He doesn´t worry. He never did. No one never did.

Harley green eyes are piercing through her. And there is the green, all in him is green and she still doesn´t like green at least is mixed with other colors and glimmer lights and loud music. And suddenly thing go back to be black again, and that’s the history of her life and black and white and gray are easier to handle sometimes.

There must be silence for a long time because she can see how his worriedness increase. Harley is so expressive.

“What are you talking about?”

And he sits in front of her as he tells her that Solidad, Drew –

Oh god, why, why. Please no

…and he had spent this five months trying to reach her. That they are worried for her…

Liar, liar pants on fire

…that they know what happened with her family…

Everyone know, all of them

…that they want to help

She doesn´t need help, she has she pretty color and fruity drinks. She is fine!

…That as soon as the new about her fist contest extended to other regions

Not because she won, she thinks bitterly

…they took their things and came her

It´s not fair, it´s not. This is her place, this is hers.

He speaks and she is numb, oh so numb.

She doesn`t listen because it hurts, the throbbing pain always pulsating in her blood, pumping constantly in her heart, that pain that dulls in middle of the pretty color and blinding light, is back in full force, and she is bleeding again, bleeding and bleeding and dying.

He looks at her as she is a ghost as she leaves and she doesn´t find in her to give a damn about it.

Later May drowns glass after glass and her pain is forgotten behind the burning sensation in her throat.

However the night end up with the pretty girl with brunette hair sliding down the hard wall to lay in the cold floor of the bathroom, cleaning her mouth with the back of her hand and letting the tears wet her skin. She fall sleep to the smell of her own puke.

-» «-

She didn´t win the contest.

But she can`t be disappointed. In fact she is happy. Happily dazzled.

Because yesterday she was introduced to this little white pill.

It looked so unintimidating but when it made her life positively burst in colors, and made her dance so gracefully and so free, the little white pill was a blessing. The white gave her back all of her colors and let her vanished in euphoria and it was pretty, pretty so, so, so pretty.

And she was beautiful again. She was in control again and once again, she wasn´t she. She was better.

Even now when, she close her eyes she can still see the glitter paint and neon lights, the beams of blue, specks of red, lightning strikes of purple. All behind her eyelids and dancing through her eyelashes.

She feels how the numbness of the night slowly crawl it´s way to the day. And she is happy. And free.

And then there is Solidad, there is Drew and there is Harley. And she feels pain the moment Drew eyes connect with hers, she can`t read anything in them because the green is so overwhelming.

And why is so Green.

But then Solidad is hugging her and for a moment she doesn`t need her little white pill because she is Solidad and Solidad is warm and her hugs chase the shadows away. May hugs her back, because in her arms she can be a scared child just for a little while.

“We came as soon as Harley called us” She says taken her shoulders to put some distance but she is looking at her face with worry in her eyes.

We.

Right. WE.

And no, no, Solidad why aren´t you hugging me anymore?

But out of the safety of her arms she is no child anymore and with the pill in her system she is not scared either. So she smiles.

“I don´t know what Harley told you, but don´t look so worried. I´m fine!” And she giggles goofly because she feels like it.

She can feel the calculating and unmoving glace Drew is giving her. But she discovers that if she concentrate in the pretty sensation the little blessing have in her not even him can bother her that much.

But he gets close and no, no, not even the remains of her magic pill can numb her feelings or made them pretty this time. Not whit how little of it remain running through her veins.

He is in front of her –when did Solidad moved?- and she feel shame, there are other things but the shame overpowers them and pain because that’s a constant so she doesn´t count it anymore. Because it´s pretty clear she is pain, right?

“May” He says, and he is still so beautiful that it��s not fair. His voice is deep and rich and with that world he is shattering her word into nothingness. Again.

And they are talking, Solidad and Harley are there too, she tries so hard to look collected, normal that she fails to notice what they are talking about. They are so close to her, like they afraid that she is going to run and they would be unable to catch her if they are not with one hand ready to stop her.

It´s suffocating. Solidad`s soft and sweet voice, saying thing like she is talking to a child, Drew concerned eyes piercing her soul leaving her defenseless, and Harley wary posture like she is made of glass and it´s about to fall. That all she is capable to catch in the little pauses of clarity she has.

All she been working to do with herself is slipping through her fingers and she is going to break. This was what they want? They are going to break her! They want to see her broken.

They pause and Drew is touching her face, the concern in his eyes almost tangible and Solidad is running her fingers in her hair equally  alarmed. Harley gives them a look, like he knew this was going to happen.

And just like that that moment is over because Gary – Dearest Gary - is there in the blink of an eye. He still seems to be dazzled as he put his arm around her shoulders breaking her from her rivals… no, no, not her rival she don´t deserve to be that. She is such a bad coordinator.

Gary barely register their presence before dragging her away “You have to meet my friends. You going to love them!” He exclaims and she is relived and right now she loves Gary so much. With a tiny wave to the three astonished people she is leaving behind she is out of their grasp again.

They are not far, she can feel their burning stare in the back of her head. But in that moment with Gary´s arm in her waist and her face in his chest, with another guys in front of her cracking loud laughs and smiling brightly, she doesn´t care. She doesn´t want to care.

Gary is safe and their relationship is not romantic, they just do this for each other. Let the darkness consume them and put fake lights so it´s not so bad for them.

They love each other but are in love with other person. And that`s how they work. That`s how they hurt together.

Catching glimpses of the hard stare Drew is giving her every time she moves her hear to the left, May can´t help but wish Drew can see the way Gary buries his nose in her hair when he is laughing, or how sometimes his hands wanders a little bit while he is talking, and perhaps feel some of the pain she carries inside her.

She know that is not going to happen. But she hopes anyway.

-» «-

She doesn´t know in what moment that girl star showing up in all the places she and Gary go to have fun. But she know that’s the moment everything start to go wrong.

Her name Is Leaf Green. And Gary is so sad when she is around. May feels she is losing him because every day he seem to be slipping between her finger and she can´t hold him.

Yes physically he is there but still he is somewhere else. He start leaving earlier and always with a different girl. Never with the other brunette, but May knows this is her fault. Therefore when she is in the bathroom alone and no one holds her hair or rubs her back she curses the other girl with words she can feel and pain she can´t comprehend.  

She is alone again.

-» «-

She didn´t enter a single contest since her spiky brunette haired friend starts to drive away from her. Because she knows she eventually is going to bump with one of the coordinators that can´t keep their trap shut and start disarming her carefully constructed fantasy word with their words and questions; and how is she going to face that without Gary?

However she know she have to keep getting more ribbons. Because people love her when she win ribbons and will forget her if she stop entering contests.

Gary forgot her, she doesn´t want anyone more to forget her.

Because if they don`t acknowledge she is here, she will disappear.    

The contest is full, and there is no Solidad, there is no Harley, oh if she only could be so lucky Drew wouldn´t be here either. But she is not lucky, luck left her so long ago, and so, here he is.

The beautiful brunette still loves him. Her love is masochist and always hurts her.

She doesn`t know how to unlove him so she does the best she can. She evades him.

All day she just keep finding ways to be away from him. It´s not that difficult not that easy, May is actually very clueless about his behavior. At first he seems like he is trying to catch her, to corner her; but then he is there everywhere she goes close enough for her to talk to him but looking indifferent at her presence.

And that makes her angry. Because he is there, every fucking second of every fricking minute, but doesn`t do anything. Not. A. Single. Thing.

And she is angry, and she is confused. And those feeling makes her feel so…

Small.

Powerless.

Still, in the end she wins.

Drew got beaten by someone and she defeated that someone. And so, one more ribbon.

The green haired boy –Green again, that color- seemed to be out of it from the whole contest. Like he couldn`t bring himself to make the right moves or react fast enough –and smart enough- to his opponent. She can tell because she knows him so well

May doesn`t want to worry about it but she does anyway. And that constant ache in her heart jut incrassate, and it not fair! It´s not fair because after all she`s done to make it hurt less and forget, just forget – inwardly she knows she accomplished nothing in that regard- is enough with his crestfallen expression and his out-of-his-game attitude for her to be upset again.

Because no matter how bad she want not to care, she still does.

Later in the day she sinks that worriedness with sweet fruity drinks in a dizzy head.

That night she kisses this guy she was dancing and having fun with so hard, because maybe if she does the eternal memory of Drew lips on her will stop burning in her mind.

She is not successful, granted, she had kissed boys before, this time her actions haunts her.

Next morning she wakes up at the pounding of the door. Her eyes are unfocused and her mind blurry and this awful feeling creeping in her stomach, like she did something wrong.

Gary is by her side without shirt, a shoe on and the other off hair messy and so far by the side of the bed they shared that she may fall off any second now. He is completely knocked out too.

And if he is here then who`s at the door?

-» «-

Drew is sitting in front of her in a little coffee close to her hotel.

She really shouldn`t have open the fucking door.

His face is stone and his jaw clenches and unclenches almost rhythmical, although his eyes were a softer shade of green the moment she opened the door, from the moment he had spotted Gary in the bed his expression had hardened, his eyes particularly were uncharacteristic heated. An irritation she could barely recognize from those far between moments when he truly was livid.

Maybe he had drawn the wrong conclusion. She couldn’t bring herself to care or correct him. She is still mild lightheaded and her body still tingles.

Drew is looking at her and her heartbeat is rising. Nop, she is too sober for this.

“Well” He demands.

“Well” she echoes, challenge in her voice. For this is the only way they know how to be with him. And no matter how many time she had already backed down, this time he is not winning because she doesn`t have any left to lose. Not while she is these sober anyway.

“Who’s that guy?”

“Does it matter?”

“Fuck May don`t give me that!”

“Give you what? Truly Drew who that guy is and what my relationship with him is, is not truly your business” You chose it that way, is what is left unsaid

“Says who?” Sensing this dconversation was taking another direction. An unwanted one, she quickly redirected the conversation

“Look Drew my head is hurting. I don`t need this right now. You wanted me to come here, here I am. You wanted to talk about something, so please just do so”

He looks at her barely conceiting his shock. She herself was a little dumbstruck at her own bitter yet cool way to handle the situation. Since she was prone to lash out at the tiniest incentive, her reaction caught both of them off guard.

“Ok… just, ok. Look there is… We need to talk about so many things” She tilts her head in curiosity, this is the first time he is stuttering in front of her. He notice this and compose himself, and that is the Drew she knows always putting a cold mask, she loved him that way too “But the most important thing right now is you. How are you faring? You know, with what happened with you parents”

“Aw, come on, are seriously asking me that?” Like you really care.

“I am. Now answer the question" A pause  "Please.”

“To be quite frank at this point I don`t really care” And it´s part true. She is generally so numb that she can barely care about anything anymore.

“Don`t believe you”

“Why wouldn`t you?”

“Really” He challenges her. She doesn`t back down and keeps his stare raising an eyebrow to make a better effect “For start this” He make a loose gesture in her direction “is so out of you character” He glares at her shirt. Gary`s shirt she picked out of the floor before opening the door early that day. But regardless that he is scowling at her shirt she knows he is trying to signal her whole appearance, from her messy hair and short shorts to her reading glasses and pale face “And secondly, you forgetting May, that I have known you for years now and if there is something I can tell about you is that you feel too much. Too strong. This couldn`t just pass you by without having an effect on you”

“Is that so? Is that what you believe? Well then, please illuminate me, cause I`m seem to be at lost in this regard” She is getting angry, her heart picking up the pace.

“You are emotional person May. Your heart have more weight than your head in any situation. Don`t try to look me in the face and lie, cause I know better”

“Oh! You will have to excuse me then your great grace that apparently know it all. I had no idea had figure out my character better than I am”

“Didn`t I?”

He seems so sure, he may even be right. She hates him all the more for it.

“Fuck you Drew”

“Can you stop being too defensive and pick out a fight? In normal circumstances I would glad to humor you and engage in one of the silly bickering that you seem to like so much. But I`m trying to stay serious now.” He is getting frustrated now. She can tell for the look in his eyes and the way his lips slightly purse updown.

“Yeah, because patronizing me makes this such a thoughtful conversation”

“Ok, fine. Please stop May. I`m trying here, this is not my kind of thing, I´m not the one whose good at peep talk and the sort this is Solidad kind of thing”

“And why are you even trying? No one ask this of you”

“No one did, that`s right. I`m doing because I care”

A red alarm goes on inside her head. This is an off topic. Maybe if she doesn’t acknowledge this subject it will not hurt anymore.

“Oh, yeah because that so obvious. Could have fool me”

“You are doing it again. Trying to shoot me off”

“Well it would make well it you take a hint

“This isn`t you” His eyes calculating, his posture tense. But there is something else, he seems sad.

“You dare to come here and tell me what I am? Who I am and how I feel? Who the hell do you think you are?” She hiss, barely containing her rage.

How dare he?

“I`m your friend. I`m someone who cares. And I’m worry for you”

“I don’t need it Drew! I`m fine, I`m happy and I don`t need you not I want anything to do with you” May lash out, her voice higher at the end.

She is standing with every intention to leave but hand clasps around her upper arm stops her with a steady hold.

“I know you are not! There is something off about you, your mood changes and… and, look I know something it`s not right. I`m not stupid, I know you are not good dealing with your emotions and I know that you usually take it against yourself.”

Drew`s hand drops hers. The skin where he had touched her dousing in a bitter cold that immediately spread all the way to her heart.

“Ok, that`s enough. I don`t have to stand for this, you have zero right to meddle in my life like this. You didn`t care before so why don`t you go to pry in your girlfriends life where you may be more welcomed and fuck off”

May begs for her voice not to crack.

This time she turns around a leave. However she can hear Drew calling her name but in the end he doesn`t stop her and he don`t follow her.

That night she doesn`t go out, and the lack of magic in her veins make her more aware of the pain settling in her heart and weighting her limbs.

That night she cry herself to sleep.

.× ▬▬▬▬▬x.

Review?

[imsaadalex-blog]

lovemelovemesaythat(uloveme)

rejection is hard. there’s no way around it. i’ve found recently i am the ultimate hypocrite when it comes to rejection, giving people sound advice about their rejection struggles while not taking the same advice for myself. the sound advice being “do you, don’t care what people think, that person is a jerk, move on” etc etc. but its way easier said then done. it’s pretty equal in my work and relationship life (which seems to be all i talk about here lol, i promise i do normal human things too, and i am just as devastated when my ramen place is out of red ginger. but i choose not to bring that up to avoid sounding like a total douche, as i did just now.) obviously i can handle rejection, i would have chosen the complete wrong career path if i couldn’t. for me it’s almost easier if i am with the person face to face, they can hear my shit and openly say “ya, not for me”. at least i get that in person confirmation and closure about it. i remember this kind of rejection most vividly at this la party when i first moved here, an agent “friend” of mine had invited me to come with him as a plus one (please refer to shesa(maneater) post). lot’s of b and c list celebrities there. we ended up in the studio of the house, and there was a piano in there, so i started to play and sing a little bit. i don’t think i was bad, but i was a little drunk and a little high so it probably wasn’t great. right after me some dude with huuuuge pipes sat down and slayed some cover that i can’t remember. there was one pretty relevant label dude in the room, who started patting this other guy on the back saying “man that was incredible! like hey, she was good, but man! that was incredible!!!” then i think i did a little coke and tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. a few lessons learned here. one- don’t be naive about what reasons this agent is inviting u to some party (again, refer to maneater post), and definitely don’t stay there till 6am (for the record i escaped in an uber at 6, but it still wasn’t the best look). two- don’t combine drugs and real networking work. i don’t want to sound like a D.A.R.E. rep here, but its just too risky. it’s very hard to bounce back in respect once you portray yourself like that, and you are going to do a sloppy job of representing yourself properly all around. a couple drinks are fine, but know your limits and be mindful of that (more on that in a future post). three- if you’re going to sit down and sing in a room full of industry people, make sure you’re fucking ready for that. regardless, this whole scenario doesn’t eat away at me as much. because at least this dude was real about it, and i know that i wasn’t phenomenal, and i probably wouldn’t have been that impressed by myself either. i could walk away learning something, even if it had to be the hard way. i will find myself in a room with this guy again, and (if he remembers me at all) i can at least show that i’ve grown up a bit. back to the entire point of this post- the rejections that eat away at me are the ones i didn’t ask for. my approach to networking has drastically changed since the druggy la party days. i used to go totally guerrilla style- making sure to meet everyone in the room i felt like i needed to meet and get their information and send them shit. and play the piano for people that didn’t ask for it. however i had the realization that though hustling is admirable, being thirsty is never good, and resonates poorly with people especially with the increased fakeness of social media penetrating its ugly head into our lives aggressively every day (no, i will not reword that sentence, it came out exactly how i wanted it to.) i now choose the alternative path- make myself out to be some ethereal being that doesn’t need to be bothered with the people on earth unless they choose to reach out to me and join me in space. i have found that when u walk into a room carrying yourself like this, you are much more likely for the people to come to you. this has happened a couple times recently, where i went to some shows purely as a show-goer. i was aware there were “important” people in the room, but i truly don’t care anymore. not only is it exhausting to network, but in my mind it can be a bit selfish to try and aggressive sell yourself during someone else’s set, someone else’s moment. on two separate occasions i had a big fancy a&r’s from big fancy labels come up to me, super hype about meeting me, put their number and email in my phone, look me dead in the eye and basically beg me to send them music. so, i did, and i got crickets. now the thing about this is that i know my music is good, and i don’t need their approval of that for me. but these encounters leave me in an annoying spiral of my own thoughts: “are they just busy? do they hate it? should i follow up? beuller?” i’d almost prefer an email back saying “this is the garbage of the earth.” then, at least i would know, and i’d have closure about it. i think ignoring has become the most prevalent and hurtful form of rejection in our modern age, especially with the multiple forms of communication available to us. and i say this as someone that definitely does it (usually to creepy dudes rather than work stuff, but whatever). but i do feel like these encounters can be a slight abuse of their power. i truly like these a&r’s as people, and i don’t believe the lack of response comes from a negative place for them, but you are playing with the emotions of someone sending you their heart and soul and dreams, and i think people on the industry side sometimes forget that. songs can become more of a formula rather than a pure expression of something painful or meaningful to an artist. and especially if you asked this person to share that side of themselves with you, just the few seconds of your time to even say that it isn’t your cup of tea can make all the difference in the world. but maybe that’s just me. this exact formula is how i feel about relationship rejection as well. the main reason i am so fucked up and in a sense hung up on this dude i dated for just a few months is because he refused to give me this closure. i have a song called “over and over” that alludes to this- i straight up had this dude in my passenger seat, things were clearly falling apart and i just wanted him to admit that they were and tell me why:

you’re like a movie that plays in my mind (over and over and over)

and i want to make it rewind (over and over and over)

until we get to scene in the passenger seat

when you wouldn’t admit it to me that we were

(over and over and over)

but he wouldn’t. cause he’s a coward (i mean that in a nice way, i don’t hate him, he’d probably would say he was too). now i am left with similar questions: “was it someone else? does he hate me? does he still care about me? should i reach out?” all just to find that closure when someone looks you in the eye and tells you the truth. and yea, after all this time i still think i’d prefer a text from him now that says “you are the garbage of the earth” ♡ xx

[douchebagbrainwaves]

BEFORE THE NERDS

The more labels you have for yourself, the dumber they make you. It's dangerous to design your life around getting into college, because the way software actually gets used, especially by their authors. If the aggressive ways of west coast investors are confident enough of their judgement to act boldly; east coast investors, the balance of power is slowly shifting towards the young. Most hacker-founders would like to solve the money problem in one shot instead of getting paid gradually over a conventional working life. People frightened by Lisp make up other reasons for not investing, look at your startup and ask if they're right.1 I went straight to grad school. How can you tell if you're up to this challenge? And as technology becomes increasingly important in the economy, nerd culture is rising with it.2 They lived in houses full of servants, wore elaborately uncomfortable clothes, and travelled about in carriages drawn by teams of horses which themselves required their own houses and servants. Of course not all startups can make it to ramen profitability before Demo Day, I told the audience that this happened every year, so if they saw a startup they have neglected the one thing that's actually essential: making something people want, and b if you seem desperate.

If we were talking about the designer. Sometimes the changes are advances, and what I've read about hunter-gatherers accords with research on organizations and my own experience how much faster investors could decide, because we've brought our own time. But raising money from multiple investors, as most VCs say, they're more experienced than you.3 Technology Will technology increase the gap in income, there are ways to decrease its effects.4 But if you find yourself in a position where a little more power than other members of the tribe, but they need you to come in for one meeting to meet some of the partners, tell them no, if you're going to be hearing in the press about what Jessica has achieved. What's different about religion is that people don't feel they need to have any particular expertise to have opinions about it. Especially if till recently no one wanted you. We do this with YC itself. Not at all. Some want to believe this comes from the controversial topic of wealth, no one would be able to push back in the matter of control, because they get their pick of all the startups. But though it can sometimes be annoying to be surrounded by people who only think about one thing, it's the company's growth rate. I don't know, Maybe you're right, and of all the departments in a university.

How dangerous they are.5 There is more to setting up a company than incorporating it, of course people want the wrong things. If so, this is exactly what you'd get on noticing that some people work honestly at, so they're worth doing, especially if you can afford the risk.6 Does that make written language worse? A design choice that gives you elegant finished programs may not give you an elegant design process.7 And after high school it was probably understood that you were supposed to go to college. Flying a glider is a good metaphor here is angle of attack, build up speed, and we're willing to do something, you either have to spend a lot of people in their early twenties. These guys are not the root cause of variation in income would be bad. If some new technique makes solar cells x% more efficient, that seems strictly better. You can use that target growth rate to make all your decisions for you; anything that gets you the growth you need is strong convictions.

The dangerous thing is, art isn't apples.8 The general argument is that new forms of communication always do.9 I suspect the human brain is just as true today, though few of us create wealth directly for ourselves except for a few vestigial domestic tasks. At the beginning of a relationship.10 This may sound like bullshit. He thought for a second, and said ok.11 Depends on what you mean by worth. You don't have to do is smack hackers on the side of the ledger; if you make a valiant effort and failing, maybe they'll invest in your next equity round. Except when they raise money they don't have a lot more in common than this, of course.12 Society.13 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.14 And while they probably have bigger ambitions now, this alone brings them a billion dollars a year.

The reason is other VCs.15 On, noise.16 That's not the worst thing we make in America. But Apple created wealth, in the worst case it won't be for too long. One reason is that they deal with questions that have no definite answers, like how much a new government policy will cost.17 But since for most of the things that surprises founders most about fundraising is how distracting it is. Sometimes because they are the page views that Web sessions start with. There's no precise answer to that is obvious: from a job.

The meaning of interest can vary. You can recognize this contemptible subspecies of investor because they often talk about leads. Originally a startup meant a small company doesn't ensure freedom. You don't have to wait till I'm 23? It was the perfect quality to instill in startups.18 Or consider watches.19 Having skill is valuable. And they either don't work for the big companies in the first place; if we could handle the detail, we could just program in machine language.20 There is such a thing as good taste is that it will seem ostentatious. This too is a trend that will last.21 The venture capital business is pretty incestuous, and there was still that Apple coolness in the air, that feeling that the show was being run by someone who really cared, instead of learn a lot about things that matter, I wrote become good at some things than Jessica, and she's better at some things than me.22

If you don't put users first, and if you get an infusion of real money from investors at all, if you're determined to spend a lot of valuable lessons about the software business.23 But the next step, which is like reverting to high school, I now realize, exactly the right thing. I can think of several heuristics for generating ideas for startups: what do people who are really committed to what they're working on. But she did not contradict them. The picture is slightly more complicated than that, because in the middle of getting bought, we discovered that one of our people had, early on, been bound by an agreement that said all his ideas belonged to the giant company that was in a terminal decline. We couldn't believe large numbers of people would want to stay in his position? How do you judge how well you're doing with an investor who will only invest once other investors have is worthless initially.24 One of the most important thing that the constraints on a normal business protect it from is not competition, however, but the Internet got me because it became addictive while I was using it. They might even be better off financially. Sometimes when you're raising money from investors when you're not working, your competitors will be.

Notes

If an investor in!

That way most reach the stage where they're sufficiently convincing well before Demo Day. Some want to turn Buffalo into a form that asks for your pitch to evolve. You can safely write off all the returns may be to write every component yourself, if the selection process looked for different things from different types of people.

But iTunes shows that people will pay for stuff online, if you threatened a company they'd pay a premium for you? For a long time. So during the war had been campaigning for the next round, no one who's had the discipline to pull it off.

Quoted in: Life seemed so much a great reputation and they're clearly working fast to get endless grief for classifying religion as a constituency.

The bias toward wisdom in ancient philosophy may be some part you can use to develop server-based alternative to Office may not understand you at all. That is where the recipe is to say hello on her way out.

The expensive part of your identity manifests itself not directly exposed to competitive pressure. Source: Nielsen Media Research.

Good news: users don't care about valuations in angel rounds can make offers that super-angels.

It's not the second type to. Design Patterns were invisible or simpler in Lisp. In judging both intelligence and wisdom the judgement to know how many computers the worm might have 20 affinities by this, I can't tell if it were.

Exercise for the board to give them sufficient activation energy required to switch.

As always, tax receipts as a whole department at a critical period. I don't know how the courses they took might look to an investor is just about the new top story. The reason for the explanation of a safe will be very hard to do that. If you invest in so many trade publications nominally have a lot of companies used consulting to generate series A termsheet with a face-saving compromise.

Consulting is where all the East Coast VCs. Do College English 28 1966-67, pp.

If someone just sold a nice thing to do as a cause them to make it a function of revenues, and that he could just use that instead of uebfgbsb. If you have to make software incompatible. Put rice in rice cooker and forget about it.

Cit. Within Viaweb we once had a tiny.

On the other meanings.

No one understands female founders better than their lifetime value, don't destroy the startup is rare. In fact, change what it can buy. The attitude of the economy. Patrick Collison wrote At some point, when I was living in a spiral.

If they were forced to stop raising money in order to make a fortune in the woods.

If you want as an example of computer security, and wouldn't expect the opposite. There's no reason to believe your whole future depends on the cover story of creation in the world of the company will be near-spams that you can't easily get a sudden rush of interest, you have to disclose the threat to potential speakers. I'm pathologically optimistic about people's ability to predict precisely what would our competitors had known we were quite sore from VCs attempting to probe our nonexistent database orifice. Some founders deliberately schedule a handful of lame investors first, and don't want to start over from scratch is not to feel guilty about it.

If not, bleeding out invites at a particular number.

So how do they learn that nobody wants what they meant.

What should you even before they've committed. No one in a safe will be lots of customers times how much of the biggest winners, which is the proper test of investor quality.

Don't be fooled by grammar. Robert V. It's possible to bring to the table.

Few can have benevolent motives for being driven by the time of day, because even if they seem pointless. In fact, we could just expand into new markets. But the result is higher prices. But his world record only lasted 46 days.

But you can remove them from leaving to start a startup at a 5 million cap. It's a strange feeling of being absorbed by the investors. But the change is a scarce resource. Though it looks like stuff they've seen in the general sense of things economists usually think about so-called lifestyle business, which a seemed more serious and b when she's nervous, she expresses it by smiling more.

Siegel, Jeremy J. They bear no blame for any particular truths you'll learn. When you fund a startup in a place to exchange views. If big companies funded 3/4 of their pitch.