#you guys must know i go numb when sad things happen cause of trauma

[borathae]

not this pic being the thing that actually breaks me holy fuck 😭

[maijobi]

back to you

dabi x reader

summary: when things don’t go well in your relationship, you find it best to end it... 

a/n: it has a good ending I promise. I did kinda hurt myself writing this I don't even know why. but sad dabi really does make me feel things.

———————————————————————

your hands were in your hair, doing your best to not pull every strand out of your scalp. your eyes were closed and you were doing your best to calm yourself down, counting down from ten.

“dabi, we have had this conversation for over a hundred times. you can’t control me. and why can’t you just trust me for once?”, you said, finally  opening your eyes and looking at dabi.

“fine”, he said clenching his jaw. “go. let all of those people see you. go. you know what, don’t come back tonight will you?”

“stop overreacting”, you said, breathing out heavily. “I'm sick and tired of you constantly telling me what to do. I'm your partner, not your child. I know my limits and I know what to look out for. and who are you to tell me to not come back tonight? this isn’t just your place. we live here with a bunch of losers, what makes you think you’re more special than them? what makes you think you overpower them? what makes you think you have more to say than us?”

he took a few steps closer to you and looked down at you with a wrinkled nose. “I just don’t like my partner going out where there are people that will look at them. I don’t like how you can’t keep your mouth shut around people and let them flirt with you. I can’t stand you going to places and not knowing your limit, when you claim you do.”

“just because I let people talk to me, doesn’t mean I'm letting them flirt with me?”, you confusedly said. “oh I apologize dabi. I apologize that I do not prefer to burn people to the ground when they give you a genuine smile. I apologize that I couldn’t become as great as you”, you sarcastically said while throwing your hands in the air and then dropping them. “do you hear how stupid you sound? we have this discussion almost every day, but I can’t seem to get some senses into you. I'm tired of this, dabi. I'm tired of having to explain myself every day when I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I can’t talk to anyone before I have you breathing against my neck telling me to stay away from that person.”

“sweetheart, dollface, sugar”, he said with gritted teeth, taking steps closer to you and holding on of your hand and placing it over his heart. “don’t make this harder for the both of us and just don’t go outside will you?”

you pulled your arm away from his grip. “not this time dabi. I'm sick of this. sick of you wanting to control everything I do. you wanting to have a dominant role in this relationship. why is that even needed? why can’t you treat me as an equal? can’t you for once just let me live? I'm tired, I'm tired of telling myself that you’ll change when you don’t”, you said, finally showing the frustration on your face. 

“and you think I'm having fun?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. “you think I enjoy seeing you having fun with someone else? it hurts you just as much as it does me doll”, he said, raising his voice. “it’s also hard for me to see you flirting back with other people! know your fucking limits”, he said placing his hand on your chin and pulling it up slightly.

“don’t act like you are right here”, you sat, pulling your chin away from his grip and taking a step back. “for once. for fucking once accept that you can’t control everything I do and that you can’t overpower me. respect goes both ways, but I'm not seeing any on your accord.”

“now you’re just talking bullshit”, he said in a loud voice, laughing to shake off his frustration. “what does this even mean?! what is it that you’re trying to accomplish here? what is it that you so desperately want, huh? attention from someone else? if you’re not even gonna listen to my feelings, how am I supposed to take yours in account? you only do as you please and where does that bring us, huh?! where the fuck-!”

“that maybe perhaps we’re not meant for each other”, you interrupted him. “that maybe we’re just not fit for each other.”

his face dropped and you saw every emotion pass on his face. he was confused. he was confused as to the words you had just dared to speak, something he didn’t even think about once. to him this was normal, to him this was behavior that should be present in a relationship. to him, fighting everyday seemed normal. but his motives for this relationship seemed to be totally different from yours.

“you must be kidding no”, you said with a distressed smile. “h-how can you just easily say something like that?”

“because you made sure I did. if you just for once tried to understand me, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened.”

he walked closer to you and held your shouders. “you’re kidding right?”

“i’m not, dabi. I'm being very much serious right now. how can I continue this when my feelings are being invalidated on a daily basis? how am I supposed to respect you further when you literally treat me like your pet?”, you said a brushing off his grip on your shoulder. “I can’t do this when all of this only brings me anxiety and constant stress?”

he looked at you, lost in another world progressing what you had just said. it surely couldn’t have been true, you were joking right? but the expression on your face made him his eyes go larger and his mouth almost hung open. “y-you can’t be serious”, he said with a smile, but that soon dropped when he shook your head.

“i’m not”, you said turning around and walking to the door.

you didn’t turn around to look back at him, and he made no attempt to stop you. perhaps he hadn’t even believe that you actually left. or maybe he was just waiting for you to finally leave him. maybe this was for the better you thought, but for dabi this was a whole different experience. 

he was convinced you were coming back that night, he convinced himself that you would. so when you didn’t he totally lost it. the person that barely texted you had spammed you with messages and missed calls, leaving behind various emotions. he didn't know what he was feeling. this was all new to him.

dollface, you’re not serious right?

you’re coming back tonight right?

I'm sure you are...

you didn’t take me seriously, did you?

please come back.

please look at your messages.

it’s past midnight, please come back.

don’t scare me like this. just come back already. 

please...

you looked at your phone, tapping the corners or your phone. you decided to not answer, but that left you in a weird state of mind. you didn’t know what you were feeling. were you happy? sad? relieved? more stressed? you didn’t even know. you felt numb. 

you found your way to an old friend, asking if you could stay over until you figured out what you would do to survive. you locked your phone and threw it next to you on the bed. you allowed yourself to fall with your back on the mattress. you’d feel better in the morning, is what you tried to convince yourself. but would you really?

you woke up with a heavy headache. it was hard to even sit upright. but when you opened your eyes it was still dark. there was heavy rain outside and falling back asleep seemed like an impossible thing right now. 

you tapped on your phone letting it light up. 

3 a.m.

you sighed. what were you gonna do now? you felt too stressed to even close an eye. you didn’t know what you were supposed to do. you loved him and he probably loved you too, but this couldn’t go on forever.

you looked at your screen again, not missing all the messages he had left behind.

please I know I fucked up, but please just come back.

you can’t be doing this.

and many more messages like that had filled your phone. you frustratingly brushed your hand through your hair and sighed loudly. it felt wrong. it felt wrong to have left like that in the middle of an argument. but at the same time this had happened so many times that you couldn’t just do nothing. 

you rose from your bed, still not answering any of his messages. your phone rung every five minutes, but you just didn’t pick it up. you walked to the kitchen and filled a glass with water only to leave it on the counter after seeing his new messages.

I really need you.

I don’t need anybody else.

just you. so please, please come back.

you blinked once, then twice and then many more times. dabi had really said he needed you. the independent guy, who would refuse help from anyone had said he needed you. you weren’t sure what to do. you paced around the kitchen, biting down on your nail. your phone made a sound again.

I just really... can’t live without you.

you sighed loudly and with a quick steps you walked to the door. you put on your shoes and ran out the door taking the keys with you. the rain splashed on your skin, clothes and hair, making you soaked in an instant as you ran down the street. but you didn’t care. the only thing that ran through your head was wanting to see dabi. wanting to see him share his feelings and wanting to see him need you. 

even the bad memories had a good ending for you. every time you fought, you’d fix it together. so why couldn’t that be done now? why did you have to act so selfishly again? you knew you were partially right, but at the same time you knew this wasn’t right. all your memories with him flooded in your mind and it made you run faster.

your feet dragged you to the place you had thought he was, because you knew he wouldn’t be at the residence. he would be at the place that caused his trauma, but at the same time was his most visited place. 

the forest were he had supposedly died. the forest where his dad had refused to come to. the forest with his last memories of home.

you stopped in track when you saw his figure. his back facing you and his head looking up. he was wearing a front zip hoodie with the cap over his head. allowing the droplets to hit his face. he had heard something so he turned around.

when he saw you standing there in the rain he took one step and reached out his hand, but stopped when you only stared at him. you were out of breath, breathing in and out heavily as your chest heaved. 

you looked at him, seeing the sad expression on his face. you shook your head and started walking, but before you knew it you were running to him. you ran and when you reached him, you threw yourself on him, holding him like you never did before.

he was in shock, not being able to do anything, just allowing you to slowly pull him down for the hug. when you pulled away you held his face and searched it, but before he could say anything you crashed your lips against his, tasting the rain on them. it was still pouring and this might have been the closest thing to an actual romantic scene the two of you had. 

your lips danced together and you melt in each others touch. he finally allowed himself to be embraced and snaked his arms around your back to deepen the kiss. he pushed you against him and moved his hands to your neck to pull you closer. your hands slid down and rested on his chest.

when he pulled away he looked you in your eyes. water droplets were falling on your face and he made an attempt to wipe them away though the rain hadn't stopped. you wanted to say something, but he shut you up by pulling you in once more and giving you a small, but soft kiss.

“i’m sorry”, he said, pulling you flush against him to hug you. “I'm sorry for always wanting to control you. I was just scared.”

you slid your arm around his waist and hugged him back. “scared of what?”

“of you leaving”, he whispered just loud enough to hear above the splashing raindrops. “I haven’t been open about my feelings. I just didn’t know how to. but I was raised with the thought of rejection and people leaving me behind. I wasn’t used to all of this. I wasn’t used to having all this affection, so I was scared you’d leave just like the rest.”

you tightened your grip on him. “I don’t have a reason to leave. I just need you to be open with me like just now. so we can work things out together”, you said, looking up so that you were facing him.

he looked down and a soft smile formed on his face. he kissed you again and again and again until completely devouring your lips on his, not giving you a chance to pull away. but that wasn’t needed. you had understood the whole situation and the both of you were able to figure it out together. many ways had opened for the two of you and the both of you have yet to learn so much about each other. but you were both willing to change yourself for each other. because even if things weren't always great, the two of you would find their ways back to each other. 

[herohotline]

It’s Gonna Be Okay (It Has To)

Izuku Midoriya x Reader

A/N: because apparently I can only write dark shit if Deku is involved

Request from Ao3:  Can I get an Izuku x Reader? Reader is another student with a weaker quirk(they can heal others, but in order to do so they must take on the wound themself, maybe?) Maybe kinda the “Are you crazy? You almost lost your life!” prompt.

Warnings: Descriptions of gore, trauma, angst. Also some dadzawa because I’m weak

Like many quirks, yours had an upside and a downside to it. Your parents called you blessed to have such a quirk; as if you were some sort of angel. You didn’t really agree with that phrasing- and you soon had to run away from your parent's eager hands so they stopped abusing your quirk. You took refuge in U.A- once you barely passed the exam you explained your situation to the teachers, they were quick to take you in. Aizawa had interestingly enough decided to house you- but he made it quite clear that even though you were in his class he wouldn’t be playing favorites and you would be graded fairly. 

Your quirk is simple enough. You have the ability to heal others completely, but it might cost you your own life. You take their pain and transfer it to yourself- sometimes it’s not a big deal, and sometimes it is. For instance, you are not allergic to peanuts, but if someone else is and starts to choke from the effects, you can easily snatch that away and save their life while having no real consequences yourself because your body is not allergic to peanuts. 

Your parents thought of you as a lifesaver; anytime they were presented with discomfort, they demanded their angel take it from them. Not only was this abusing your quirk, but it was abusing you in the process. You had since learned from Aizawa housing you that you are not required to heal anything and anyone- you have a choice in the matter. 

Today, you made a rather… drastic choice. 

It was a completely normal day. You, Midoriya, and Uraraka had been traveling Musutafu for fun when you had heard about a villain attack nearby. Of course, your blood boiled at the thought of another villainous attack, but you knew that you were still in training and going in to help was the last thing anyone needed right now. Convincing Midoriya was difficult- in the end, you weren’t even able to win- but you made a compromise. 

You’d go look at the damage, and once the villains were dealt with, you’d help with damage control and any civilians that needed a hand after the attack. That sounded fair enough. 

When you arrived at the scene, everything was pretty much taken care of, to your relief. There was some rubble and people needed help getting out from under them, so Izuku and Uraraka used their abilities to help while you observed from the background. Your quirk wasn’t exactly useful in this area, but you could help with any minor injuries people may have. 

As you look around the area, you notice something moving from underneath all the rubble. At first, you think it’s a civilian, but claws snatch out from the rocks and the nails make angry marks as the thing pushes itself up from the boulders. 

You freeze in shock. It’s a Nomu- of course it is, when is it not? 

“Deku!!” 

You scream, your vocal cords shredding as you do. It’s not enough time- you were too late with your warning as you watch Midoriya get pummeled into the ground by the Nomu. You can hear everything-

Midoriya and Uraraka’s screams, the heroes nearby telling everyone to evacuate, the vibrations in the ground as people run and scatter. 

You don’t even get a choice to run in and help- a hero scoops you up in his arms and runs away with you. He can't get very far until the Nomu has clawed his back- the whole thing looks like an insane, mutated bird. It has fierce wings, but the most threatening thing about it is its strong legs with talons that are sharp as knives and several inches long. He picks the hero up with the talons, flying him up into the air before swinging and dropping him onto the ground below. It all happens right in front of you- 

The blood. The limbs, the guts… flying everywhere- what used to be a man is scattered in several disgusting pieces- all over you, all over the concrete, all over all over all over- 

Your scream is bloodcurdling. 

Uraraka scoops you up as you scream, and you’re vaguely aware that she’s taking you somewhere, but you don’t know where. You don’t stop screaming, you don’t stop crying- you don’t stop because you can’t. All you can see is blood, blood, blood, and it makes you want to vomit. 

Uraraka keeps running. 

Eventually, the chaos ends, but you’re unsure exactly when. You don’t know how long it’s been, you don’t know if you’re even alive, really, but police cars and their sirens fill your senses as well as the ambulances. Your friend places you in one before quickly running off again, and you don’t even get to say anything. 

Can you say anything?

There’s doctors, nurses- people, they’re all just people in uniform- checking your vitals and asking you questions you can’t answer. You feel partially numb, partially scared and partially frozen. You sit there and let them do what they need to do, but they don’t do a good job. Nothing will help the white noise in your ears and the pictures in your head and how your body just won’t stop shaking. 

As you stare at all the damage the Nomu caused, there’s a stretcher being carried into another ambulance. You can barely see who it is from your spot, but there’s a glimpse of green hair. Your stomach flips when you think about who it could be.

You don’t ask the doctors for permission. You know that nothing is wrong with you, nothing but your head, so you tear out all the wires they put in you and jump out of the vehicle. You don’t listen to them calling out for you as you rush toward the stretcher, breaking your way through the several men in white that surround him- Midoriya. 

He’s covered in bruises, scrapes, and gashes. There are three gnarly, ugly tears on his side that look like the very definition of worrying. The voice you couldn’t find before suddenly comes back. “Will he make it?” You look at the doctors. 

“Please get out of the way!” 

“No!” You scream, holding onto Midoriya’s stretcher with all your strength. “Is he going to live?!” 

“We don’t know-”

Not good enough. 

“Okay, okay,” you breathe shakily, looking down at Midoriya. He’s barely lucid, you can tell- his eyes are open and unfocused, looking in several different directions in a haze. Tears run down your cheeks and snot down your nose as you grab his face with shaky hands. “Okay, Midoriya. Listen to me- okay? Listen. You’re gonna be okay, I swear- I swear you’re gonna be okay. Everything is going to be okay.” 

Your hand drifts down to the torn-up flesh on his side. You can do this- you know you can do this. It’s just as easy as taking a paper cut. 

Another shaky breath leaves you as you sob, preparing yourself for the pain- and then you activate your quirk. 

---

You hate the color white. 

It’s not even a color- it’s meaningless and void of anything real. It’s the beginning of color but isn’t a color itself. It is ugly and dark in your opinion. 

When you wake up, you’re surrounded by that non-color. It’s all white- the walls, the ceiling, the bedsheets, and your gown. You know where you are immediately. Only a hospital can bring you such dread. 

No one is in the room at the moment and you’re glad. It gives you a moment to think about what happened. There’s a burning sensation on your waist, something that hurts more than you think you’re processing at the moment- you’re probably drugged. Sloppy and heavy hands lift up your bedsheets and your gown, revealing the fresh, dark scar. It hugs your entire waist, curling around you as if it were a curse. 

But you think it’s a blessing. You saved Midoriya, right? God, please- he’s still alive, right? 

Alone in the hospital, you cry again. It’s silent, the tears leaving in streams but you don’t have the energy to sob. You lean back into the uncomfortable, stiff pillows on your bed and let yourself sink into the mattress. Tears fall into your ears and your hair, but that’s okay. 

You’re alive- Midoriya is alive. He has to be. 

---

The next time you wake up, you’re not alone. 

There’s a doctor on one side of your bed, her hands on you and doing something you don’t really know. On the other side, there’s a familiar shade of green sitting on a plastic chair. They’re both talking but it’s all muffled in your ears- you’re too drowsy to fully grasp what you’re seeing and what they’re saying. 

But the green- it makes your heart feel warm. 

“Deku,” you whisper. 

And then you fall unconscious again. 

--- 

You’re a lot more lucid when you wake up next. You’re once again alone in your little hospital room, but it doesn’t stay that way for long. Soon, the door straight in front of you opens, several people walking in at once. They’re doing their best to be quiet as they walk around your bed and you can’t help but smile. 

“Hey, guys,” you croak- your throat more dry and hoarse than you realized.

Midoriya, Uraraka, Iida, Todoroki… and surprisingly, but maybe not so much, Aizawa. 

“___!” Uraraka speaks first, a hand slapping over her mouth as she gasps. “You’re-” her eyes are already watering, “you’re awake!” 

You give her a sad, broken smile- but before anyone else can say anything you watch as Aizawa makes his way over to the front of the bed. He stands right next to you, his eyes boring holes as he reaches forward and grabs at your forehead with his hand. 

Something that’s meant to be threatening, but he’s much too gentle for the message to really stick. 

“What were you thinking?” He asks.

“I wasn’t,” you tell him honestly, looking your teacher- your parental figure- in the eye as you speak. “I was scared. I was really, really scared, and I made a choice. But I’m not sorry.” Maybe you haven’t had a lot of time to fully process what happened- what consequences your choices might have- but this you are sure about. Your lip quivers slightly as you try to take a deep breath, holding Aizawa’s wrist gently and taking his hand off your head. “But I am sorry for worrying you.” 

It’s silent for a long moment- the tension was tight enough to wrap around your throat and it’s hard to breathe, but eventually, it loosens as Aizawa’s tense shoulders sag and he huffs. He turns on his heel, heading right for the door. “Come on. Let’s give them some privacy,” he says, a hand reaching out toward Uraraka’s back and gently pushing her toward the door. Iida silently waves as he leaves alongside Todoroki, and then the door shuts- silence once again coming in waves as you sit alone with Midoriya for the first time. 

“...You’re not sorry?” He asks, a hand grabbing the foot of the bed. You can see how it shakes. 

You know it might not be what he wants to hear, but it’s the truth. Your eyes fall to your lap as you tug on the scratchy blankets with your fingers. “I’m not.” You tell him. “...You were dying.”

“So were you!” He suddenly yells and his expression flashes to an angry one as he frowns. “You… you were dying! And it was my fault!” 

“It wasn’t!” You yell back at him. “It was my choice!” 

“Well, you shouldn’t have made it! You- you weren’t in the right mind to make a choice like that!” 

“But I did!” Your voice raises again- there’s a frantic pounding in your chest and you’re sure Midoriya can hear it through the heart monitor. 

You don’t want him to be angry at you- you don’t want to fight. You just wanted to make it better. 

“I made my choice, and I- I’m sorry it hurt you, Midoriya,” you keep fighting back your tears as you stutter along with your words. It’s hard- your eyes are stinging like crazy- but you don’t want to cry in front of him. You don’t want to make it worse. “I’m sorry I made you sad… I just… At that moment- I couldn't bear it. I couldn’t do it again- I couldn’t watch another person die. I didn’t want you to die!” 

Quickly you use your hands to cover your face as you start hyperventilating. The tears come in bursts, and you can’t help it, so you try to wipe them away and cover them up. The beeping from the monitor is driving you crazy. 

You feel something touch your wrist, and then fully grab it, pulling your hand away. Midoriya is by your side now, his eyes wet and his lips wobbly as he grabs your other wrist. He pulls them up to his lips, closing his eyes and placing your hands against his mouth as he stands there. You watch him with wide eyes, your breathing still coming out in funny waves, but it slowly starts to even out as Midoriya continues to calmly stand next to you. 

“___,” He finally speaks. It’s squeaky and quiet- he clears his throat to try again as he finally opens his eyes and looks at you. “___, thank you… Thank you for helping me… But you have to be more careful, alright?” Midoriya’s hand reaches out, cupping your cheek and wiping away the tears that lie there. “Cause… cause I don’t want you to die either, okay? So please- please be more careful.” 

“You too, okay?” You bite your lip. “No more going into fights. We… We don't do anything until we’re called in. If there’s an attack somewhere… you don’t do anything until we graduate. Okay?” 

Midoriya clicks his tongue, giving you a watery smile as he shakes his head. “I guess that’s fair, huh?” You smile back and nod, and as Midoriya lets go of your wrists you place a hand on top of the one on your cheek. 

You’re alive- Midoriya is alive. Things are okay.

Things will be okay.

[jawnjendes]

isn’t it obvious i’m a wreck | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

AN: fun fact the song this fic is named after has the same name as one of shawns songs :P anyway, this one is a bit angsty, and continued from no medicine is strong enough so yh if u like this series blease let me know and blease feel free to reblog the masterlist :’)

masterlist | series playlist

Only rarely was I ever vocal about my pain. Go ahead, pretend to be shocked. I mask my hurt, angry, upset feelings with mannerisms and behaviors my therapist wouldn’t necessarily approve of. I’d clear my throat to keep from crying hysterically. I’d play video games on the couch to avoid thinking about whatever is shaking my world at the moment. I’d fuck my boyfriend to avoid talking about my feelings sometimes, I’ll admit it.

But this… This was something I could not put on a front for, even if I wanted to. I really did not want to put on a mask. Shawn had to see what was happening to me, he had to know what he created inside me. My knees went weak and I was on the floor in his bedroom, heavy tears welling in my eyes. Something like a scream erupted out of me, followed by several loud, uncontrollable sobbing. He didn’t even finish his anecdote before I pieced it together.

My insides went cold as ice but hot as lava at the same time. I felt like I was physically falling apart, like my limbs were going to come off, like my surgery stitches were going to pop, like my heart was going to fall out of my chest if I didn’t hold myself. I hunched over, my forehead hitting the carpet as I cried louder.

“I’m… so sorry,” Shawn mumbled from where he sat on the bed.

“No you’re not!” I yelled at him as I sat up, my voice shaky and incoherent. “You could have done… you could have done so many other things before… before…”

“I know…”

“No you don’t! If you knew you wouldn’t have done anything! If you knew, you could have just broken up with me instead of betray me!” Angry tears streamed down my face, blackened by my mascara. I looked as crazy as I felt, as crazy as I just became. “Who was she? Do you love her?”

“No!” Shawn replied, looking at the floor. He had a pained expression on his face. Pain he only brought to himself. “It was just a stupid mistake, I was-” He sighed.

“What?! Say it!”

He got to his feet, looking down at me. “I was mad, okay? I was angry because you refuse to tell me anything! Ever since you left the hospital, you’ve shut me out! You make it so hard for me to even look at you! You make it so hard for me to love you! You’re so difficult to deal with, it’s like you want me to leave!”

My hand went to my stomach, where I was cut open not that long ago. I could feel the thick, bumpy surgery scar under my shirt. I was practically botched, cut open like a pig at a slaughterhouse. It messed with my head for a bit, and I needed even more therapy for it. I have mild trauma from my time in the hospital and it gives Shawn an excuse to cheat on me? Where is the logic in that?

“You made the decision to go out, hit up some random girl, go home with her… and it’s my fucking fault!?” I screamed, standing up once again. No more tears, I actually wanted to punch him. “You betray me, you hurt me…” Okay, more tears. “You throw away everything we have, after it took so long for me trust you, and it’s my fault?”

It’s my fault! It’s my fault! Everything is my fault!

Shawn made big strides towards me, and he grabbed my arm. He was saying something to me, but I was crying so much it made my stomach hurt. His voice was gentle now, and he was shaking me slightly. I tried to yank myself away, how dare he touch me… His hands have been on someone else’s skin. How could he touch me?

“Honey…”

I closed my eyes and shook my head, not wanting to hear the nickname he gave to everybody. He probably gave her the same nickname. It made me feel incredibly sick, I actually wanted to vomit.

“Hey there, little fighter…”

My eyes opened again, only slightly. It was hard to keep my eyes from squinting, because it was suddenly very bright in the room. I also felt wildly sleepy, like I could slip into a permanent coma at any moment. I couldn’t process any of my surroundings, the only thing I was sure of was that I was sitting on a bed, lying at an angle, and someone was holding my right hand and grabbing my left arm.

After blinking a few times, I looked to my left and saw a blonde lady in green scrubs standing next to me. She had thick black frames on and a pen in her bun. She was poking at a machine next to my bed until she realized I was staring at her with a stupid look on my face.

“Hi there, how ya feeling?” she asked, smiling at me like I was toddler.

“Sad,” I replied in a whisper. My throat was incredibly dry. I coughed once. “I think my boyfriend cheated on me.”

“That boyfriend?” the lady asked, pointing across the bed.

I turned my head the other way, finding Shawn sitting at my bedside. He was holding my hand and looking at me like it was fucking Christmas or something.

“You’re too pretty to cheat,” I mumbled. “Only ugly men cheat.”

He chuckled, though his brow furrowed in mild confusion.

“I feel sick,” I announced. “My boyfriend cheated and I feel sick.”

The blonde lady nurse person quickly grabbed a silver bowl from a table that appeared out of nowhere, and she held it for me as I puked in it. She reassured Shawn that that was normal, it was just the anesthesia. Oh yeah, I had surgery.

I fell asleep after that. When I woke up again, the blonde lady was gone, but Shawn was still holding my hand. Now, I knew that was Shawn Mendes, the popular singing guy from the college I went to. I knew that I knew him on some level. But I just stared at him with groggy eyes while he scrolled on his phone with his free hand.

“You’re pretty,” I mumbled. “Are you single?”

He eyes flickered up to me, and a the corners of his mouth went up. “Huh?”

“Are you here with anyone?” I asked.

“Uh, my mom should be coming soon. Stella just left, though.”

“No, like, do you have a date or something? You taken? You’re so cute…”

“Yeah, I’m taken. By you. I’m your boyfriend.”

My eyes widened for the first time. That statement shocked me so much I fell back asleep.

~

Several things kept me awake in the days after my surgery. For one thing, a nurse came in every hour to check my vitals and my incision site, even at night. I heard Shawn singing to himself whenever I tried to nap. I was pretty sure either his mom, Stella, or both were talking in the room. I felt like I was either balls deep in a coma, or balls deep in insomnia.

Anyway, the surgery was successful. Part of my bowel was removed, and I had to be kept on a liquid diet for a while. I still had a fever that made me slightly delirious. It was like the morphine except my body wasn’t numb. Shawn was quite entertained by my delusions, because I talked way too much about things I normally wouldn’t talk about.

“Don’t tell anyone,” I said to him on day four of fever dreams, “but you’re my favorite person ever, and I’m so lucky to have you.”

He was leaning on the bed, elbows on the thin, lumpy mattress. He was smiling so wide you almost couldn’t notice the bags under his eyes. “Well, you’re my favorite person too, and I’ll tell anyone who will listen.”

“Must be nice to not be scared of your feelings.” I looked at his arm, the one with all the tattoos. Then, I looked at his face. “God, you make me so-”

“So what?” He took my hand in his, and he rubbed my fingers with his thumb. He had a hopeful look in his eyes, like I was going to confess my love for the very first time.

Before my lagging brain could say anything more, a nurse entered the room. Older lady with short grey hair, very smiley. I wasn’t sure what time of the day it was, time didn’t exist in these walls. Maybe it was early, since she was so smiley. Most nurses at night were cranky and sleepy.

“Morning, you two,” she said, walking over to check my vitals on the machines. “You feeling okay, sweetie?”

“I’m good,” I said. “My cut feels warm, though.”

That warm feeling turned out to be a surgical site infection. It was hot, it was red, it was the cause of my fever, and best of all, it smelled and secreted some nasty shit. Needless to say, my hospital stay extended five more days. I had to convince Shawn to go back to work. One of us had to stay busy. He always came back to sleep at the hospital so I wasn't alone.

In other news, I was excused and given full credit for my English final, thank god. No prior studying had been done on my part, so I got lucky. As for research methods, I just had to email my final essay to my professor. Academically, I didn’t have to stress anymore. Living wise, Stella was constantly texting me about which of my belongings should go in which boxes, and where I got my textbooks from because none of them were from the campus bookstore. I had to make Shawn go to campus to help her.

By the time I was properly discharged, all of my things were moved into Shawn’s apartment, and my car was in the parking lot. We stumbled through the front door only to see several boxes lined up on the floor along the wall. I was leaning on Shawn for support, but the hallway was now too crowded for two people.

“Fuck,” Shawn cursed under his breath. “Here, let’s do it this way.”

He moved so he was standing in front of me, and he took both of my hands. Slowly, but surely. I stumbled my way through the hallway, careful not to disturbed the five tiny but deep cuts on my belly. They were still numb from the Vicodin I was given, so it was only a matter of time before the pain kicked in.

“You wanna go to the bed or the couch?” he asked, frequently looking behind himself so as to not trip on anything.

“Couch,” I said, “I wanna watch TV.”

“Alright, here we go.”

Who knew getting to the couch would be so exhausting? I was sat on the soft white cushion in minutes, completely winded. Shawn handed me the remote and smiled.

“Need anything?”

I shook my head.

“Okay. I’m gonna go move those boxes. Let me know if you need anything.”

What I needed was to be useful. Those were my boxes, my belongings. I had to be responsible for them. But no, one wrong move, and I’ll bleed out on Shawn’s white couch.

I couldn’t even lift my legs up and lie down on my side, or reach the handle to recline the seat without straining myself. I could only listen to Shawn move things around, and I could only stare out the massive windows. I had successfully turned into a couch potato in less than five minutes.

Eventually, I settled for watching gaming videos on YouTube. I fell down the rabbit hole that is Legend of Zelda theories. I had nothing else to do, anyway.

Then, my phone went off next to me. I looked at the screen, reading the name of the alarm I had set. It went off every day for the last few months, but weirdly enough I didn't remember it going off while I was in the hospital. Then again, drugs and fever dreams.

The sight of my medication alarm made me gasp softly. I had to get off my birth control and Prozac. Lack of birth control was fine, it just meant that my period would remain irregular. Besides, it’s not like I was having sex at all, not that that’s the reason why I take birth control. Lack of antidepressants would have been bad had I not been on morphine and Vicodin to keep me loopy.

“Babe, can you find me my meds?" I called.

Within minutes, Shawn came over to where I was sitting with the orange bottle and foiled packaging in his hand. He set them down on the coffee table, and then I had to ask him to recline my seat for me. I felt dainty and needy, and not in a good way.

The last of the hospital’s drugs wore off by the time Shawn and I went to bed. The physical act of getting to bed was more strenuous, now that there was nothing numbing me. I had a moderately high pain tolerance, but this shit was enough to keep me awake. I dozed off for minutes at at time before waking up again. Meanwhile, Shawn had knocked out the second his head hit the pillow. He had been moving my boxes into the spare room/his recording studio all day, and he had been running around getting me to the bathroom and walking me around the apartment so I didn’t turn into a full on potato. On top of that, he hadn’t slept much while I was at the hospital. He needed it more than me.

When sleep finally came to me, Shawn took my hand from under the sheets. I was too tired to squeeze it, let him know I was there.

~

I was up and running in the afternoon. Shawn had to work until the evening, so his mom came and stayed with me. Yes, I internally freaked out. Yes, I spoke to her while I was admitted, but I wasn't alone with her until now.

Karen was more persistent about getting me to my feet, so she took me on walks up and down the hallway of the floor this apartment was on. I felt winded every time, but I knew I needed it.

“So, when are your parents coming?” she asked, not for the first time.

“In the next couple of days,” I replied between huffs of breath. “They got my texts this morning, they’re working on flying over here.”

“Okay, good. I can’t wait to meet them.”

I feigned a smile. While I did miss my mom and dad, I was very nervous about their arrival. Not only was this going to be a belated hospital visit, this was also the first time they would be meeting Shawn and his family. Lowkey, I wanted to die. Lowkey, I’d rather be under the scalpel again.

Karen and I talked some more as we strolled through the corridor. I was able to finally tell her things about me that didn’t have to do with my illness. I told her about my goal of getting my Bachelors in psychology, and how much I loved my dealership job. You know, things your boyfriend’s mom would like to hear.

“Do you plan on staying in Toronto when you finish college?” she asked.

“I haven’t fully decided yet,” I said, “but it’s not off the table.”

“I imagine you’d like to keep living with Shawn if you stay.”

For once, I hesitated. It made me nervous. Was I supposed to be outwardly obsessed with her son, say I’d love nothing more than to be at his side all the time? I didn’t know how to sugar coat serious things like that, so I decided to be honest.

“Maybe. I mean, I’m only here because I had surgery and can’t travel.” I’m supposed to be home. “The only plan I have is to work in my field of study until I can open my own practice, wherever that may be. But I do love it here in Toronto, and I… I love Shawn.”

His mother was looking ahead as we walked, but she smiled at my sentiment. She was quiet, though, which prompted me to keep rambling.

“Like, if he and I are still together when we graduate, then yeah, we could live together. Properly, y’know, not while I’m recovering from surgery.”

Karen nodded in approval. “You’re realistic. That’s good. It’s good for him as well.”

I internally relaxed. Finally, a rational mom.

“You know Shawn is happy with you, right?” she said to me. “I’m sure he tells you, but I think you need to hear it from someone outside the relationship.”

“Really?” I asked. I felt a hint of doubt in my mind, but I wasn’t sure why. Karen was right, Shawn did tell me all his thoughts and feelings all the time. I just had the smallest feeling that maybe I was being lied to.

“Oh yes. The day he took you out on a first date, he told me… ‘Mum, I have a really good feeling about her. I haven’t felt this way about anyone before.’ He was over the moon, and he still is.”

My cold ass heart jumped for joy. I let myself believe I wasn’t being lied to.

~

Karen had to leave about an hour before Shawn was off his shift, meaning I had to be a couch potato for that long. It wasn’t a problem as long as I didn’t have to use the bathroom, and not much was getting into my system these days. After the liquid diet from the hospital, I was put on a “soft” diet. Most of what I ate was bananas, applesauce, and white rice. Oh, and soup. So much soup. Neither Shawn nor I cooked, so he always brought me soup or pasta from a shop downtown.

Shawn had decided to eat soft foods with me so I wouldn’t feel alone. But I knew he was most likely devouring whatever fast food was nearby his flower shop. I knew because I would probably do the same damn thing.

“Okay, they were out of chicken noodle,” he called as he entered the apartment, “but they had broccoli and cheddar, I know you like that!”

He made it to the couch, sat next to me, and kissed me on the cheek. Then, he set the brown paper bag down on the coffee table. He carefully took out the large styrofoam cup, but paused when he saw what I had on the TV.

“Thought you would have had enough of hospitals by now,” he commented, his chipper mood suddenly turned.

I shrugged. “Grey’s is comforting.”

Shawn sat back with my soup and handed it to me. “Can we watch something else?”

“Aw, don’t you wanna watch Lexie kick the can again?” I joked, giggling.

For whatever reason, he wasn’t amused. “Please. Change it.”

My laughter immediately died down. Then, I grabbed the remote and switched to The Office. “Sorry.”

Shawn had been hovering ever since I was admitted to the hospital. He frequently asked how my incisions were doing, if I felt faint, or if I needed anything at all. His hand was on my forehead more than it was sweetly cupping my cheek. He stayed by my side every minute. The only other thing he did was work at the flower shop. I wasn’t even sure if he had met up with Teddy for songwriting lately.

“How was work?” I asked him, nudging his side.

“I’ve seen too many roses today,” he replied, lying his head back on the cushion. “We have so many options, but everyone just wants roses. Or daisies.”

“Thought you liked roses.”

“Yeah, but when you see as many flowers as I do... “

“I wish I could go visit you,” I told him. “I’ve never actually seen where you work.”

“Mm, it’s a small place with a lot of light. Might be too out of your comfort zone.”

I made a face. Confused, but also mildly annoyed. Instead of snapping at him, I remained patient. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He picked up his head again and looked at me. “I’m just worried about you, my little fighter.”

“Well, I’ll be able to work again in ten days, and I’m on a soup diet. I just can’t travel on a plane or anything yet.” More specifically, I couldn’t go back home. I tried to adjust myself so I could look at Shawn properly, but a certain sting on my abdomen kept me still. “Have you sang lately? Do you have any gigs booked?”

Shawn looked at the TV and shook his head. “I couldn’t go even if I had one. I’ve got a sick girlfriend here, after all.”

Maybe I was already going crazy from the impending cabin fever, but that kinda hurt. A sting of guilt when through my chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” He changed the subject. “So, some of my friends are asking about you. They wanna come visit.”

The guilt only increased. Lately, I’ve been a lot more vulnerable than I was comfortable with. I was practically helpless in front of my boyfriend, who had only seen me as strong and independent up until my bowel crapped out on me. This was different territory, and I didn't like it.

“Not while I’m like this,” I said sheepishly. It wasn’t the first time I turned away visitors. I only allowed Shawn, Stella, and Karen to see me at the hospital.

“That’s okay,” Shawn replied. “Whenever you’re ready, you got people.”

Normally he would press the topic. In the earlier stages of our relationship, it was hard to come around to meeting Shawn’s friends. Almost none of them were expecting someone like Shawn to date someone like me. As always, I was my quiet and mysterious self, and it was a little off putting to them. Not to mention, my small reputation of sleeping around had gotten to some of them in the past. It was frowned upon when it was me, but if I recall correctly, my boyfriend used to be the exact same way. However, Shawn always gave me a push to be more engaging and reminded me to give people a chance, but this time he just let me have my way.

I was wide awake that night, and it wasn’t from my surgery pain.

It’s been two days since I was discharged. A week and a half since my surgery. Stella flew home to Florida without saying goodbye, and I was still stuck on not having any other visitors. I didn’t even tell my own friends, like the guys from my video game club. Most of them probably went home for the summer anyway. Now, Shawn was acting weird. Was he mad at me because I was keeping him from his music? Was he upset that I was taking up space in his apartment?

I turned my head to look at his sleeping figure. The moonlight shone in through the window, so I could barely make out the features of his body. For once, he didn’t look tense or stressed. He kept a physical distance from me, though. We couldn’t spoon like normal because I couldn’t lay on my side. Last night he still made the effort to hold my hand. Never had I wanted to turn to him and stroke his curly hair more than I did tonight.

Shawn suddenly twitched in his sleep. Not dramatically, but just enough to catch my attention. He was lying on his front, head facing me. He twitched again, and let out a small noise. It was a monotonous hum, lasted a good five seconds.

Delicately, I placed my hand on his bare shoulder. It was a little awkward because I couldn’t physically turn my body towards him, but I was still able to touch him.

Another groan left his mouth, distressed. Then, he yelped and twitched, now a little more spastic. He gasped and groaned into his pillow, so I gently shook him.

“Hey, hey babes. Wake up,” I said weakly. “Please wake up.”

Shawn woke with one final jerk of his shoulder. Panting, he turned onto his back and placed his hands over his face. “Fuck… Oh, fuck…”

“You’re okay,” I told him, touching his arm. “It’s okay. Just a dream, it’s okay.”

He took my hand and kissed my knuckles, all while trying to control his breath. Then he turned his body towards me. “I love you.” His voice shook in a way that made my heart ache.

I only returned the pressure on his hand, watching his face. It was probably for the best that I couldn’t see the exact expression he had on. I really hated seeing him in distress.

“I need to hear you say it,” he pleaded, holding my hand to his chest. “I need to hear your voice.”

“Shawn-”

“Please...”

“I love you. You know I love you,” I told him gently. “Do… do you wanna talk about what just happened?”

He shook his head. “No. No, I just wanted to hear your voice for a minute. I love you so much.”

That wouldn’t be the only night he would yell in his sleep and wake up shaking. That kept me up more than any surgical pain.

[superleeleehipster]

Holy crap. I looked at my activity on tumblr and there’s literally nothing to show. I’ve been so inactive that Tumblr doesn’t even bother with a graph for me XD. So to break the mold how about I post a little fic. 

This is in the middle of All Out War. The Kingdom, despite winning the battle, was destroyed. And our heroes get a sweet reunion

Enjoy loves:

The smoke ascending above the carnage was almost hypnotic, giving the desolate landscape a hazy appearance. Shadows of the living passed through the cloudy air, causing her heart rate to spike ever so slightly as she determined whether they were living or dead. There was an eery silence that blanketed the community, a huge contrast after a night of fighting that was almost mind numbing.

She was leaning against the wall of what was left of the mess hall, exhausted from the fight they had to endure from the night before. Her rifle was still in hand but she didn’t have enough strength to hold it up anymore, so the nozzle rested on the ground while she held the stock. She was covered head to toe in blood, both human and walker, and even some of her own. But since it was all dried up, she figured there were no weeping wounds on her body, so she was alright for the time being. 

She shouldn’t be though, she should be dead like the many soldiers who had fallen beside her. Negan attacked the Kingdom without warning, hoping to destroy the largest supply of soldiers, food, and weapons out of the three communities. However, at the most he only succeeded in destroying their homes and their walls. The body count ratio was still Saviors to Kingdom folk, 3:1, which was a huge victory for them. But any kind of loss was a huge hit to the Kingdom community, and the grief was palpable as other soldiers continued to carry on the work of dealing with the aftermath. 

She was so lost in her exhausted trance that she almost didn’t hear the sound of car engines rolling up into the community. Her first instinct was another wave of an attack, and despite her aching muscles, she hoisted her rifle up to get ready for another fight. But as she rounded the corner of the rubble, she recognized the vehicles from Alexandria, and her muscles began to relax from relief. 

But as she slowly made her way through the fog and towards their cavalry, she stopped short when she saw the familiar motorcycle. Her breath hitched as she looked around before finding whom she was looking for. There he was, in his new buttoned down shirt, walking very quickly around the surrounding rubble nearby. She watched as his movements almost became desperate as he searched through the smoke and the remnants of old buildings. He was looking for something, glancing quickly all around him for any sign he was looking for, and she could tell by the shortness of his breath that he was on the verge of a panic attack. 

Desperate to ease his anxiety, she called out as loud as she could, barely any louder than a normal volume, “Daryl.”

Despite her faint voice, he heard it, and he stopped immediately before looking in her direction. He stared at her with a gaze so intense she felt like he was seeing her soul, and she could see his hands shaking slightly as he began to make his way towards her. There was fear in his eyes, fear of what, she didn’t know. But when she gave him a soft smile to show she was okay, that she was at least alive, the tension in his shoulders dissipated instantly and he practically threw himself onto her as he choked out a sob in relief. 

Her rifle dropped to the ground, and she held onto him as close to her body as possible. Their tears of relief ran freely down their faces as they reassured themselves through physical touch that they were okay, they were alive. 

“Thought ya were dead,” he whispered into her shoulder, his voice trembling. “Ezekiel didn’t know where ya were...”

“Shhh, I’m here,” she reassured him, nuzzling her face into his neck. 

All too quickly he pulled back, but only just enough to meet her gaze. “Ya good? Are ya hurt?”

She almost didn’t respond, for she was more focused on the fact that he still had her in his arms and their faces were mere inches apart. “I’m okay... the... the saviors-”

“Ezekiel filled us in,” Daryl said. “God if we knew we would’ve come sooner...”

“I know,” she whispered. 

She peered around them as the smoke began to clear, and she started to cry as the weight of what just happened hit her like a ton of bricks. Daryl pulled her back into his chest and soothed her as she gave in to her grief. “S’alright... I gotcha.”

He planted a very tentative kiss on her forehead, and the small touch sent a shiver down her spine. In spite of the grief and the trauma that came with literally fighting for her life, she felt the weight lifted off her shoulders as he held her in his arms. He made her feel safe, warm and loved, and it was the only thing keeping her together at this point. Anytime either of them lost their way or had enough of this cruel life, they would seek each other out and share their burdens so that they could find the will to fight another day. 

She leaned back and looked into his eyes, smiling softly as tears ran down her face. “You okay?” he asked, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“Yeah, it’s just... it’s so good to see you,” she whispered, overwhelmed with joy from being in his presence again. “After not knowing if I... I’m just so glad you’re here.”

He cupped her face and she nuzzled into his hand. “Me too.”

She let out a breath before resting her forehead against his, and they stayed that way for a long time, rejuvenating their energy with each other’s presence. What happened next she could never fully explain how it occurred, but the next thing she knew he leaned down just enough to meet her lips with his. She had thought of this moment more times than she’d care to admit, all of which she’d assume he’d be fumbly or awkward, or just downright terrified of the new intimacy. But that wasn’t the case at all, for he kissed her like it was the most normal thing to do. Maybe that was the point though, maybe it did feel that way because it was the most natural thing to do for them. Their love and trust for each other was unmatched by anything. They knew they were safe from judgment or cruelty in each other’s arms. So maybe that’s why he decided to kiss her then, because it just felt right, it felt natural to kiss her. Not anyone else, but her.

But no matter the reasoning behind how it happened, she couldn’t help the smile that broke out on her face as the kiss sent shockwaves through her system. 

He broke the kiss and leaned back just enough to search her eyes. But when she smiled at him he huffed nervously and ducked down, his face and ears turning all shades of red. She couldn’t help but giggle, for there he was, her shy Daryl.

Suddenly she was all too aware of how dirty she was, and she tried to back away from his group, but her actions were futile. She met his confused gaze. “Sorry I... I must look disgusting and I’m sure I smell really bad too.”

“Pfft, stop,” he chided. “Don’t care.”

Before she could protest he kissed her again, pulling her even closer to him. Her hands drifted up and around his neck as they continued to tentatively explore each other’s lips. As her hands raked into his hair, he pulled her in tighter to his body and wordlessly asked to deepen the kiss. When she opened her mouth to him, she couldn’t control the whimper that escaped when their tongues met, and she felt the vibration from his chest when he released a deep growl.  

When they heard someone clear their throat they separated immediately, and they turned to see Ezekiel with a huge grin on his face. “I apologize for interrupting your... reunion.”

“The fuck do ya want?” Daryl growled, his embarrassment evident on his blushing face.

“Daryl,” Carol sighed, calming him down with her touch. “What do you need Zeke?”

Ezekiel smirked at her before answering. “I’ve decided to take my people to Hilltop. Our walls and homes are too damaged to protect us now, and living next to allies will make us stronger.”

“Ya need help?” Daryl asked. 

“The only thing I’ll need is to be escorted to Alexandria, to talk things over with Rick,” Ezekiel said. 

Daryl nodded. “We’ll take ya back. We was plannin’ to go back today anyways.”

“Good man,” Ezekiel said with a smirk. “Carry on.” Then with a big grin he bowed and made his leave towards the cars from Alexandria.

After Ezekiel was a fair distance away, Daryl turned to her. “Ya gonna come with us?”

Carol sighed. “I want to. But if Ezekiel is going with you guys then someone needs to help lead the community to Hilltop.”

Daryl nodded with a little twinkle of pride in his eye. “They really like ya here, don’t they.”

Carol smiled. “It helps when you save their lives and feed them well.”

He huffed. “Yep, it does.”

She noticed the sad faraway look on his face and she grabbed his hand. “What is it?”

Daryl bit at his thumbnail. “Ya gonna stay here when this is over?”

Carol smiled softly and took his hand. “No, this isn’t my home.”

Daryl’s brow furrowed. “Ya wanna come back to Alexandria? Thought ya didn’t like it there.”

She took a deep breath and steeled herself before her nerves could overtake her. “My home... is wherever you are.”

She had no idea what his reaction would be with her confession, but nothing prepared her for the big grin that spread across his face. “Yeah?”

She nodded and couldn’t help but giggle at his smile. “Yeah.”

Daryl ducked his head again and shyly peered through his bangs, and she swore her heart melted completely at the sight. But they both jumped when they heard one of the car horns blaring at them, signaling the time to part. 

Carol lost her smile and hugged him tightly to her. “You be careful, okay? Please stay safe.”

Daryl nodded and nuzzled into her neck. “Ya got any more of yer nine lives to spare?”

She couldn’t help but giggle. “I’d give you all of them to keep you safe.”

“Stop,” Daryl huffed and leaned back before cupping her face. “Save some for yourself too.” 

She nodded, and he gave her one more kiss, filled with love and longing that only a goodbye kiss would have. They gazed into each other’s eyes before he broke away and walked towards the cars. As she watched him leave with Ezekiel, her will to survive and fight through this war was stronger than she’d ever felt before. She knew now that, for the first time, there was a chance for her to find happiness again after the war. There was a chance for her to make a fresh start, create a new life, with a man whom she could only describe as her soulmate. 

But for now they had to go their separate ways, for they needed to protect their people and defeat the enemy before any kind of reprieve could happen. Still, knowing she had him on the other side of this hell made her that much more motivated to end this war once and for all.

“What are the orders, ma’am?” Alvaro asked her.

She took a deep breath and steadied herself before walking over and picking up her rifle with ease. “Alvaro, you need to quit calling me ma’am.”

He laughed. “Sorry ma- uhh... Carol.”

She rolled her eyes playfully before deliberating with herself. “We need to get everyone ready to move to Hilltop. Tell everyone to bring as little as possible, only the supplies they need.” She looked towards the damaged entrance of the Kingdom. “We still have a war to finish.”

[dylan-ohbrien]

A Place to Call Home pt. 5

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR

Pairing: Dylan O'Brien x Reader

Wordcount: 7,069

Warnings: Mentions of the assault, language, miscarriage 

A/N: To be honest, I thought this would come out better than I think it actually did. The idea was there, not sure the writing lived up to the idea lol. Again, thanks to Chloe ( @writing-obrien ) for helping me with the idea! I hope you guys like it! Let me know what you think! 

It felt as though my heart stopped when those three little words left his lips. I wasn’t even sure I’d heard him right until I questioned him and his reaction told me I’d heard exactly what I thought I did. I watched him for a moment, trying to process what he had just told me.

“I love you too.” I said finally causing him to whip his head around and look at me.

“You do?” He asked as if he was surprised by what I said.

“I do. So much.” I admitted, I think I had known for a while but was too scared to ever say anything.

Dylan smiled down at me, I could see the happiness in his eyes which only made me smile and cause butterflies to flutter in my stomach. He leaned down and softly pressed his lips against mine, careful not to cause me any pain. I kissed him back, smiling into it as I reached up to rest a hand on his cheek.

“I love you so much.” He whispered as we parted. “I think I’ve loved you since the moment I caught you in my arms in the club. And I know it’s crazy that I already feel this way, we’ve only known each other a little over a month but I’ve never felt this way with anyone before. It’s like I’ve found this piece of me that’s been missing, it sounds so cheesy but it’s like I finally feel whole when I’m with you.” Dylan’s tone was sincere, I could tell he meant every word he said which only made me fall for him even more.

“It’s not cheesy,” I smiled, “well it is but it’s okay because I feel the same way. It’s like when I’m with you I feel like I can finally breathe, like I’m home.” I said softly, my hand searching for his and tangling our fingers together once I found it.

I had never felt something for someone the way I felt for Dylan. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was finally learning what it meant when someone said they’d found their soul mate, something I’d never really believed in until now.

“Ms. [Y/L/N]?” I heard an unfamiliar voice say causing Dylan and I to look away from each other, “I’m Dr. Robbins, I’ve been overseeing your care while you’ve been here. It’s nice to finally meet you.” The woman said walking over to me and holding her hand out for me to shake. “I just wanted to come and talk to you about a few things now that you’re awake, let you know what’s going on with everything.”

The doctor pulled up a stool and sat down next to my bed before reaching out and introducing herself to Dylan with a handshake.

“Dylan.” He said simply with a smile. He moved off the bed and sat down in the chair next to me, taking my hand once more after getting settled.

“Well as I’m sure your nurses have told you, all of your scans from today look good, you seem to be healing well and at a normal rate. The trauma to your head caused some swelling in your brain which is what caused you to fall unconscious for so long but the swelling has gone down a lot and should be gone completely in the next couple days. Your skull was fractured along with your occipital bone and jaw. The jaw fracture was minor so, we were able to avoid wiring your mouth shut. You’ve got some stables in the back of your head where the trauma was and some stitches there on your cheek which I’m sure you’ve seen. The staples we’ll be able to remove in a couple days and the stitches should start dissolving on their own soon. You also suffered a stab wound to your side which caused a lot of internal damage and caused you to lose a lot of blood.” Hearing everything that those girls had done to me made me sick to my stomach and I could feel myself start to shake, my mind flashing back to that night. Dylan noticed and placed his other hand on top of our hands that were linked and gently gave my hand a squeeze to try and calm me before the doctor continued. “There was also a lot of vaginal trauma from whatever they used to penetrate you-“

“A golf club.” I whispered, tears beginning to fall.

“What?” Both the doctor and Dylan said at the same time.

“They u-used a golf club.” I sobbed, unable to control it anymore. Hearing about my injuries, remembering what they did to me all made it real and I couldn’t take it.

“Oh baby…” Dylan said and I could feel him move closer to me. “Shhh..” He cooed.

Dylan moved back to the bed and pulled me into his side gently, holding me close to him. He stroked my hair gently and kissed the top of my head, I could feel myself slowly starting to calm down the longer he held me until eventually my breathing had slowed and the tears began to dry on my cheeks.

“I know this all must be hard to process,” the doctor finally spoke after a few minutes of letting me cry. “And I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but due to all the vaginal trauma and the trauma from the stab wound, you lost the baby.” I looked over at her, eyes wide confused at what I had just heard.

“B-Baby?” I asked in a stutter.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” I heard Dylan say, obviously confused as well.

“You were about six weeks along. We were able to repair most of the damage that was caused but unfortunately you may not be able to have children in the future. I’m so sorry.” I heard the doctor speaking but I wasn’t comprehending it.

I felt like I couldn’t move, like the world around me had stopped. I didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I was completely numb.

“We should be able to have you out of here in about a week. If you need anything just let your nurse know.” I heard the doctor say and felt a hand on my shoulder, then heard footsteps leaving the room.

“[Y/N]?” Dylan asked but I stayed silent, what was I supposed to say?

I heard Dylan sigh next to me, his arms wrapped around me and pulled me into him once more, his hand resting on my head, fingers playing with my hair lightly. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could hoping that maybe everything that had happened was just a horrible nightmare. When I opened my eyes I was still in the hospital, tears began falling freely from them. When Dylan noticed he only held me tighter, his head resting on top of mine, gently rubbing my back. Finally, a loud sob escaped my throat, there was no stopping it.

“Shh, I’ve got you love, I’ve got you.” Dylan whispered as he held me and just let me cry.

“No! No, please stop…please…Stop!!!” My legs were kicking furiously, my arms swinging trying to get them off of me but nothing worked. They wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t leave me alone. They were going to kill me and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

“[Y/N]! Baby! Wake up. You’re dreaming. [Y/N], it’s me! It’s Dylan, you need to wake up, you’re having a nightmare.” I heard his voice and my eyes shot open. His arms were holding me tightly as he tried to keep me from moving everywhere, trying to calm me down. “It’s okay, it’s okay…you’re okay.” He said softly.

I couldn’t breathe. It felt like the air had been sucked out of my chest and I couldn’t get it back. I tried to get a breath but nothing happened, again I tried but it was like my lungs were glued shut.

“I c-ca-can’t..I can’t b-breathe.” I wheezed, tears starting to form in my eyes from fear. A machine next to me had started beeping which must have alerted a nurse because she came rushing in.

“I think she’s having a panic attack.” Dylan told her.

The nurse grabbed a mask and placed it over my face, “breathe, honey.” She told me and I tried once more to take a breath. “Close your eyes and count to ten then take another breath.” I did as she said and closed my eyes, counting slowly in my head. Once I got to ten I tried taking another breath. This time I could actually feel air fill my lungs. “Good, and again.” I repeated it a few more times before my breathing had finally returned to normal.

The nurse removed the mask from my face then began cleaning up my arm. I looked down at it and noticed that my IV had come out causing blood to drip down my arm. She put the IV back in, checked my vitals and then headed back out of the room. I leaned back in bed, Dylan still sitting next to me. I could feel his eyes on me, like he wanted to ask what happened but at the same time, he knew exactly what it was. He sighed and I finally looked over at him, he had a sad look on his face, like he didn’t know what to say to make it better.

“I’m sorry…” I told him looking away again, feeling to ashamed to make eye contact. I didn’t know why he was even still here, I had gotten pregnant after sleeping with him twice, knowing him a month, then lost the baby, he had no reason to still be here when he could be back working on his movie and moving on with his life.

“Hey,” He said softly, placing his hand under my chin and gently turning my head to look at him, leaning down so we were closer together. “[Y/N], you have absolutely nothing, nothing to be sorry for.” He said shaking his head. “You haven’t done anything wrong, there is no reason for you to apologize for anything, love.” Dylan’s voice was soft as he gently brushed his thumb over my cheek wiping away a tear that had fallen.

I nodded, closing my eyes as a few more tears fell. I didn’t understand why he was being so supportive, so nice, when I had basically ruined his life.

“Ma’am?” A deep male voice said causing me to look towards the door. I saw two cops, standing there, holding a folder. “We need to ask you some questions about the night you were attacked.” He said again walking closer to my bed.

“O-Okay,” I said, sighing trying to calm myself down. I knew this was only going to bring back the memories, memories that I only wanted to forget.

Dylan sat by my side the whole time, I could only image what he was thinking as he heard me explain what the girls had done to me. He probably thought I was weak, that I should have fought harder, that I should have yelled, something. Hell, I thought I was weak, I thought all those things about myself, of course he would think them about me too. Finally, the cops told me about what had happened at my apartment, that Dylan had been there and caught the girls but they needed me to identify them. They showed me a couple sheets of paper that had nine pictures each on them. The second I saw the girls who attacked me I felt the air leave my chest, it felt like I was living that night all over again. After I pointed them out the officers told me that they had confessed they just needed me to confirm it was them before they officially charged them. I was told there wouldn’t have to be a trail since they had confessed which was a relief, the sooner I could try and forget what happened the better. I didn’t think I would be able to live through having to tell anyone what happened again.

After the cops left Liz and Tyler came by to visit, it was nice to see them, especially Liz. The boys left the room and let us have some time alone. She told me about what was going on with her and Tyler, what had been going on in her life with work and everything, it was nice to have something to talk about other than what had happened to me. My parents came by too, they talked mostly about how much they loved Dylan and thought I had picked a “keeper” with him. I hadn’t exactly pictured my parents meeting him while I was unconscious in the hospital, but at least they liked him, although at this point I wasn’t sure how much longer he would be around.

The next few days went by slowly but Dylan was there each second, always making sure I was doing okay. A few of my friends came by to visit, the cops came back by to tell me the girls has been charged and locked away so that I had nothing to worry about, it was over. The staples in my head came out, the stitches in my cheek and on my side came out, the doctors did one last x-ray and scan to make sure everything was healing okay. Thankful, they said I was healing rather quickly and I was finally in good enough shape to go home.

While the nurse left to go get my discharge papers ready I changed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, it felt good to wear some real clothes for a change.

“So…..I was thinking…” Dylan said nervously making me look at him, a slightly confused look on my face, he never sounded nervous. He was looking down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs nervously. “I think you should come to LA with me.” He said finally.

“Dylan, I don’t know...” I said with a sigh, looking away from him.

“I know your job is here and everything but…I want you to move in with me. I want you near me so I can keep you safe. And Liz and Tyler are there so if for some reason, I have to leave and you can’t come they can stay with you and make sure you’re okay. You can bring your pets, I have no problem with that. When you’re all healed, you can look for a teaching job out there, they need more amazing teachers like you in Los Angeles anyways.” I couldn’t help but smile as I listened to him list off all the reasons I should go with him. “And your apartment...well it would probably be easier to just pack stuff up than get it cleaned up.” He said reaching over and taking me hand. “I know it’s a huge step but I love you and I want to do whatever I can to keep you safe. Please, at least just think about it.”

“Okay, I’ll do it.” I grinned and took his hand.

“That’s all I can ask for.” He said with a sigh and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“No, I mean I’ll move to LA, I’ll move in with you.” I told him.

“Oh…Oh! Oh my god okay, yes! Great. Perfect.” I laughed at his reaction, it was almost as if he hadn’t expected me to actually agree to it. “You’re not going to regret it.” He pulled me into him, his arms holding me tightly. I wrapped my arms around his stomach and rested my head against his chest, closing my eyes and sighing to myself.

“I love you.” I told him, just before the nurse walked in with papers for me to sign.

After all the paperwork was signed and all my flowers and cards that had been sent to me were gathered up the nurse helped me into a wheel chair, apparently it was required, and rolled me out of the hospital. Liz was waiting for us in her rental car with Tyler. They all loaded everything in and we made our way to my apartment. I was nervous to see just how much damage the girls had done, nervous to see how much I had lost because of them.

We pulled up outside my building, the first time I had been there since the attack, and chills went up my spine.

“I can’t do this.” I said when I stepped out of the car, Dylan walking around the car to stand next to me. He wrapped his arm around me and gave me a small squeeze to try and reassure me.

“It’s okay, we’re all here, you’re going to be fine. We’re going to go in, pack up the things you need and then we’ll go to a hotel for the night. You can do this.”  He grabbed my hand and linked our fingers together, leading me up the stairs to my apartment.

I took a deep breath and walked into my apartment, the second I walked through the door I froze, the whole place was destroyed. Shelves were knocked down, pictures frames were shattered, pictures were ripped, furniture torn up, it was like I was walking into a home that wasn’t mine. I was just thankful my parents were still talking care of my pets when all of this happened.

The four of us started picking some of the mess up. I didn’t worry about salvaging any of the furniture since I knew Dylan had everything we needed in his place. I started packing up my clothes, filling up suitcases until everything was out of my drawers and closet. I walked over to my bed and saw the picture of Dylan and I that had been sitting next to it torn to shreds. My heart broke that all of this happened just because we had fallen in love and someone couldn’t accept it.

“It’s not fair…” I whispered, mostly to myself as I sat down on my bed looking at the ripped up picture. I felt the bed move and looked over to see Dylan sitting next to me.

“We’ll take more pictures.” He said softly taking my hand.

“It’s not just the picture. It’s all of this. They tried to kill me, tried to destroy my life just because I fell in love with you and you feel in love with me. They ruined everything.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand trying not to cry, I was so tired of crying.

“They didn’t ruin everything. They didn’t ruin us. You still have me, I’m not going anywhere.” Dylan kissed the side of my head and pulled me into his side carefully.

After I spent the next few minutes crying I put myself back together and finished packing up my things so we could get going. I decided it would be best to just have my stuff shipped to Dylan’s place in California instead of trying to check it all on the plane so we stopped by a FedEx store and dropped it all off to be shipped. Once we were finally at the hotel the four of us ordered room service and put on a movie, things were starting to slowly feel like they were getting back to normal.

Once the movie was over Tyler and Dylan stepped out on the balcony to smoke and Liz slid over to me on the couch, wrapping her arms around me in a big hug.

“I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m so glad you’re moving to LA.” She grinned. “I knew it was only a matter of time before you joined me out there. I’m just sorry this is what it took.” She shrugged. I nodded and gave her a weak smile, resting my head on her shoulder. “Hey..” She said making me lift my head back up. “What’s wrong? You’ve been really quiet, even with Dylan.”

I knew she was right, I had been quiet, I was just hoping no one had really noticed or chalked it up to me just getting out of the hospital. Liz knew better though, she could see right through me and could always tell when something was wrong. I had told her about the attack and everything but I hadn’t told her everything that had happened to me because of it, I didn’t know how.

“[Y/N] you know you can tell me anything.” She said sitting up straighter when she noticed how I tensed up.

“I um…I didn’t tell you everything,” I said glancing at her quickly before looking away.

“What else did they do?” She asked, fear and worry in her voice.

“I didn’t know…I didn’t know until the doctor told me when I woke up that I…” Tears started to fall, again with the fucking tears, I was surprised I still had any left. Liz placed her hand on my back rubbing it lightly. “I was p-pregnant an-and the…the assault and the stabbing c-caus-ed me to l-lose it.” I had never said it out until that moment. Saying it out loud made it real.

“Oh [Y/N].” She said pulling me into her tightly as I began to sob.

“Th-They don’t know i-if I’ll ev-ever be able to…to have k-kids now.” I cried into her shoulder. “H-He hasn’t said it b-but I think D-Dylan is mad a-about it and he’s prob-ably going to b-break up with me because w-why would he wa-want to waste hi-his time with s-some-someone who c-can’t give him a fa-family? He’s j-just doing a-all this b-because he feels s-sorry for me. I know it.” It’s like everything I was thinking and feeling over the last few days was finally coming out and there was no stopping it.

Liz let me cry, she let me get it all out without saying anything or trying to prove me wrong. She just listened and comforted me. That’s what I needed. Eventually I calmed down and felt like I could hold an actual conversation. I was surprised the boys had been outside for so long, but thankful because this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have with Dylan or let Tyler hear.

“I’m so sorry, [Y/N]. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through with any of this, especially that. But I do know that you’re wrong about Dylan. He loves you, he’s crazy in love with you. He flew across the world to be with you. I’ve never seen anyone love someone as much as he loves you. He would never leave you because of this. Besides, you don’t even know if they’re right. You could still get pregnant, you never know.” She was trying to reassure me that everything would be okay but it was too hard for me to believe. Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship with someone who couldn’t give them a family? “You just have to give it time, you’ll get through this. You’ve made it this far.” She smiled and I did my best to smile back to show her I believed her, even though I wasn’t sure I did.

 It’s been a few weeks since [Y/N] moved in with me in LA and I felt so much better knowing that she was close and I could get to her quickly if need be. I was taking a few weeks off from the movie to make sure she was situated and feeling okay about everything here. Most of the time we spent getting her things moved in, I let her do some redecorating so that she would feel more at home. I wanted her to feel like this was also her place, I didn’t want her to feel like she was a guest in my house. It was ours now.

Ever since we’d gotten to LA something about her had been different. She wasn’t talking to me as much, she never seemed to want to do anything, she was distant and not the girl I knew. It worried me. I knew that she was probably processing everything from the attack to the baby to the move but the way she seemed to be doing it didn’t seem like it would do much good. Whenever I would talk to her she would give me one word responses, she would want to spend most of her time alone in the bedroom, I couldn’t help but feel like I had done something wrong.

Usually whenever I would have to leave the house Liz would come over and stay with [Y/N], I didn’t want her to be alone and I’m not sure she was comfortable with it yet either. However after a few days of convincing me that she was ready to stay home by herself while I ran errands I finally agreed. It made me anxious but I knew I couldn’t hover over her forever.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay?” I asked walking over to her at the kitchen counter.

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” She smiled at me which was reassuring.

“Alright, well just call me if you need anything, I should be back in a couple hours. Love you.” I gave her a kiss and made my way out the door.

I was meeting Liz for lunch, it seemed like [Y/N] had been talking to her lately more than she had me and I needed to find out if there was something going on. I tapped my fingers nervously on the steering wheel of my car the whole way there, I just needed everything to be okay, I didn’t want to hear that she was planning on leaving me which is what it felt like her behavior was leading up to.

I pulled into the parking lot and sighed, trying to relax myself before getting out of the car and headed inside. I saw Liz sitting at a table by the window, she waved me down and I gave her a smile, walking over to join her with a quick hug.

“Hey, thanks for coming.” I said pulling out my chair and sitting down across from her.

“Of course, is everything okay?” She asked, taking a sip of her water that was on the table.

“Well, I’m actually hoping you can tell me that.” I told her just before the waitress came over to take our orders.

“What do you mean?” Liz looked at me as if she had no clue why I would need to ask her if everything was okay.

“Has [Y/N] said anything lately about…being unhappy with me or…I don’t know…anything?” I asked, sure I sounded crazy by the look on her face.

“What? Of course not! Why on earth would you think that?” Her eyebrows furrowed, looking at me like I had two heads. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders taking a sip of my drink before responding.

“I don’t know she’s just been weird lately. She hardly talks to me, she acts like she doesn’t want me around, she’s distant and I just get this feeling that…maybe she’s thinking of leaving me and I don’t understand. I don’t understand what I did wrong. What I did to make her start acting like this.” Our food was delivered as I went on my rant, I’m sure the waitress probably thought I was some pussy who needed to man up, on the verge of crying.

“Dylan, that’s not it.” Liz finally said after the waitress left our table. She sighed and I knew she knew exactly what was going on. I was upset that [Y/N] felt like there was something she couldn’t tell me but glad that whatever it was, it wasn’t that she wanted to leave me.

“Then what is it?” I asked her impatiently.

“She thinks that you’re going to want to leave her.” When those words left her mouth I almost choked on my food. I couldn’t imagine what I had done to make her think that.

“What? Why would she think that?” I questioned the girl furiously needing answers.

“I’ve tried to tell her a million times that she’s wrong but she can’t seem to get it through her head. She feels like you’re not going to want to be with her now that she might not be able to have children. She thinks she’s a waste of your time.” I felt my heart break when Liz finally told me what had been going on with [Y/N] and I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I could have said or done to make her feel that way.

“I would never leave her because of that. I would never her leave her ever. Why does she think that?” I asked hoping maybe Liz knew something I didn’t but she just shook her head.

“I don’t know, I think it’s just her mind telling her these things, I don’t think it’s anything you did. Deep down I’m sure she knows you would never leave her, especially for that reason but I think all the hate and the attack just has her feeling really…worthless.” She shrugged. “Oh, she also thinks you’re leaving her because you didn’t ask her to go back to South Africa with you.”

I took my baseball cap off my head and ran my fingers through my hair before placing the cap back.

“I didn’t ask her to go because I didn’t think she would want to do that much traveling or be that far away from her family after all this.” I sighed resting my head in my hands. “I have to fix this, I have to tell her she’s wrong, I wouldn’t leave her even if it was certain that she couldn’t have kids.”

Liz and I chatted for a little while longer while we finished our food. I was glad to finally have an answer as to why [Y/N] had been so distant lately but now all I wanted to do was get back to her and tell her how I really felt. Liz and I hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. On my way home I stopped at the store and picked up her favorite ice cream and a bouquet of orchids and lilies, remembering that she had told me they were her favorite when we were getting her ankle looked at. Once I was home I stopped in the kitchen to put the ice cream away and made my way into the living room where [Y/N] was laying on the couch watching Friends.

“Hey beautiful.” I smiled, sitting down next to her and holding out the flowers for her. She smiled, a bigger smile that what had crossed her face before I left earlier.

“What are these for?” She questioned as she took them, smelling them. She closed her eyes as she took in the smell, smiling to herself as she did.

“Because I love you.” I stated simply. She looked up at me over the flowers, a questioning look on her face. “I had lunch with Liz, she told me why you’ve been acting so distant lately.” I confessed. She set the flowers down on the coffee table, turning away from me.

“I just don’t understand why you would want to keep wasting your time with me when I’ll never be able to give you a family.” She spoke softly, the weak sound of her voice breaking my heart. I hated seeing her like that, doubting herself, feeling like she wasn’t enough.

“Hey,” I said moving over closer to her making her turn to look at me. “I don’t care if the doctors say you may not be able to have kids. That doesn’t change how much I love you. That doesn’t change the fact that until I met you, I never knew what being in love really felt like.” I said placing my hands gently on her cheeks.

“But I’m damaged.” She whispered, looking down to not make eye contact.

“[Y/N], you are so far from damaged, to me you’re perfect. You’re everything I could ever want in someone and so much more.” I dipped my head down trying to get her to look at me, when she finally did I smiled at her.

“But I can’t give you a fam-“ I stopped her before she could finish.

“If you can’t get pregnant then that’s something we’ll deal with, there are other ways to have a family, there are so many kids out there that don’t have anyone, we could adopt, have a surrogate, we have options baby, but we don’t even know for sure that you won’t be able to get pregnant, so don’t let that control your life.” I told her hopefully. “We will have a family one day.” I smiled and saw her searching my face.

“So…you see us lasting that long?” She questioned and I couldn’t help the small laugh that fell from my lips.

“Well you obviously do, why is it so crazy that I do too?” I asked and just got a shrug from her in response. “I can see myself with you for the rest of my life.” I confessed, “you’re not getting rid of me that easily.” I winked and pulled her into me, falling back on the couch.

I kissed her softly, my fingers tangling in her hair gently as she slowly started to kiss me back. Her hands rested on my chest, her hair falling around us.

“You’re amazing,” she whispered against my lips, “how did I get so lucky?” she questioned and I shook my head.

“I’m the one who got lucky.” I told her, kissing her again.

We stayed like that for a while, kissing and enjoying each other’s company. I rolled over onto my side, my back to the TV, her back to the couch. I laid there staring at her, happy that things were finally starting to feel normal again.

“I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed you.” I told her, brushing a few stray strands of hair from her face and behind her ear.

“Me too.” She agreed and leaned in to kiss me which I happily returned.

Our legs tangled together as I pulled her closer to me, our bodies pressed together, our lips mingling with passion. This continued for a few moments, our lips turning red and puffy from the fiction they had been missing for so long. We were soon brought out of the moment when my phone began buzzing in my front pocket. Groaning, pulled back from the kiss and pulled my phone out to see who was calling, I sighed when I saw it was Wes, knowing I had to answer.

“Hello?” I said giving [Y/N] a small smile of apology.

“Hey Dylan, listen, I’ve got some bad news.” I rolled my eyes, sure I already knew what he was going to say.

“What is it?” I asked, sliding down so I was on my back, letting [Y/N] rest on my chest.

“We’ve had some scheduling mistakes and we’re going to need you back here in the next few days instead of next week.” By the tone of his voice I could tell her felt bad about it but it was still disappointing to hear.

“Alright, well I’ll see about getting the next flight available.” I sighed.

“Thanks man, and sorry about this, I know you’ve got a lot going on, we just can’t risk losing any more time.” He said and I nodded even though he couldn’t see it.

“I understand, I’ll let you know when I get it sorted. Bye.” I said and hung up, shoving my phone back into my pocket.

“What’s wrong?” [Y/N] asked looking up at me.

“They need me back to set sooner than we’d agreed on, something about scheduling mistakes or something.” I told her, seeing a hint of sadness cross her face. “You should come with me.” I finally said and her eyes widened.

“What? I thought…you hadn’t asked me before so I thought you didn’t want me there.” She said sitting up so we could both see each other better. I quickly shook my head, remembering that Liz had said she thought something like that.

“No! Of course I want you there, I just hadn’t suggested it because I didn’t think you would want to be that far from your parents or be traveling for that long. I want you to come.” I told her sitting up as well.

“Really?” She asked, smiling with eyebrows raised. I laughed and nodded.

“Yes, really.” I reassured her.

“Okay, I’ll come!” She said excitedly. It was so nice to finally see her happy and excited for a change.

“Great, I’ll get a flight booked for us, why don’t you go start packing, then when you’re done, there’s some ice cream in the freezer we’ll need to eat.” I winked as she headed up the stairs.

I booked two tickets on the next flight out that we would be able to make and sent Wes all the info so he knew when we’d be arriving. I called Tyler and asked if he would be willing to take the animals while we were gone, he already had some so I knew he wouldn’t mind a couple more. Once everything was all sorted out I headed upstairs and found [Y/N] sitting in the closet surrounded by a pile of clothes, the sight making me laugh.

“I think you’re going to need a bigger suitcase if that’s the way you pack.” I winked at her and she rolled her eyes at me before throwing a shirt at me.

“Shut up! I’m not use to packing to be gone for months at a time and I don’t know anything about what it’s like there, is it hot? Does it get cold? Should I take anything dressy? There’s just so many options.” She said looking around at the clothes in front of her. I laughed again and grabbed my suitcase from the shelf.

“It’s hot, so pack cool clothes, we may go out occasionally so if you want to pack something nice you can, sometimes it can get cold at night so you may want a pair of sweats or something. But anything you don’t pack, we can always go shopping for when we get there. That’s usually what I end up doing, I pack some stuff but then buy more while I’m gone because there ends up being something I forgot or didn’t even think I’d need.” I told her while I threw some shirts and shorts into my bag, most of my stuff was still there from before.

I helped [Y/N] finish packing up her clothes then we moved on to packing up her toiletries and extra things she wanted to take with her like a pillow, some books, and movies. Once we had everything together I hauled everything downstairs setting them by the door.

“Oh, I called Tyler and he said he’d be happy to watch the pets while we’re gone and I’m sure he’d be happy to let them facetime you.” I winked knowing how much she would miss them.

“Perfect.” She said picking up the cat that I had grown awfully fond of and scratching its head. “So where’s that ice cream?” She asked setting the cat back down and heading towards the kitchen.

I laughed and pulled it out of the freezer while she grabbed a couple spoons from the drawer. I hopped up on the counter and she joined me, digging her spoon in right away.

“They’re not going to mind that I’m there, right? Like I know they were okay with me visiting but this is going to be a lot longer than that, they’re okay with it?” She asked, swinging her legs back and forth.

“Yeah, they’re not going to mind at all. Besides, Kaya’s husband is there too so it would be wrong of them to be okay with that and not you. And, I think everyone is really excited to finally meet you.” I told her, shrugging as I licked my spoon. “Also, they were probably getting annoyed just hearing me talk about you all the time so maybe if you’re there I won’t have to do that.” I winked and nudged her side playfully.

“You talk about me a lot?” She questioned.

“Well yeah, I mean I had to make sure they knew how amazing my girlfriend is.” She laughed but I saw a blush forming on her cheeks making her look even more beautiful than I thought possible. When I looked at her I noticed a drip of chocolate on her chin. Smirking, I leaned over and kissed it off, letting my tongue brush against her skin. “You had some ice cream there.” I winked, then kissed her lips quickly.

“Thanks,” she said, the blush on her cheeks only growing.

It didn’t take long before we had finished the entire tub of ice cream and both felt like our stomachs were going to pop from so much of it. I tossed it in the trash and washed off our spoons, putting them away after drying them. Looking over at the time I realized that we had to be at the airport in just five hours to get through security to make our flight on time.

“Come on love, we should get some rest, tomorrow is going to be a long day.” I told her, taking her hand and leading her upstairs.

We both changed out of our clothes, I put on a pair of pajama pants, she put on one of my t-shirts and crawled into bed. Although we had been sharing a bed every night since she moved in she would usually lay off to the side, facing away from me so, when she moved next to me and curled into my side I welcomed the gesture and wrapped my arms around her. She rested her head on my chest as I pulled the covers over our bodies. I sighed happily to myself, running my fingers through her hair, feeling myself drifting off to sleep. I knew this was the girl I was going to marry someday.

“Dylan! H-help!” I shot up at the sound of her voice, yelling, panic filling my body. 

[msmovingforward]

Pride Versus Envy: RHONJ S11 E8

We open with shots of the women getting ready at both Melissa and Dolores’s Shore houses. Marge Sr. texts Margaret, informing her that she just got a laser treatment on her face, and she sends along a picture of her looking like Freddy Krueger. Joe Gorga slaps Melissa on her ass, as Melissa asks if Joe thinks dinner will be peaceful that night.

Back at Dolores’s house, Jen says that if Margaret starts with her, she’ll start with Margaret. Honestly, what is it with women named Jen on Bravo? I don’t like them. Jen Shah is going out in a blaze of fire on RHOSLC, and I would love to see something similar happen with Jennifer Aydin because she’s boring and annoying to me. There. I said it! OK? Sorry!

Back at the Gorgas’, the men are pregaming dinner in order to numb the trauma that is inevitably about to befall them when their wives start fighting. Melissa asks Margaret if she’s ready for a peaceful dinner.

In a confessional, Margaret says that if Jen starts with her, she will finish it. I love to see it.

The two parties arrive in separate vans at La Mondina restaurant and sit at separate tables. Men at one, women at the other. I just noticed that the vans have plastic wrap separating the passengers from the drivers, and I can’t help but wonder if this has always been the case to keep the drivers from crashing due to the imminent danger of stilettoes, hoop earrings, and pinot grigio cracking the windshield or if this is a coronavirus precaution. 

Everyone at the women’s table orders a pear crusher martini, while the men considerately place their entire order at once. Because you know, it’s the HEIGHT of COVID when they’re filming, and this restaurant has probably just re-opened for the first time in two months, and most normal people are still horrified of the virus. These women are just scared of their botulinum toxin migrating. The men cheers with tequila shots to a “no bull shit guys night!”

Teresa wonders aloud how the celebration for Nonno will go, saying that he always wanted her and her brother to get along. We’re shown a flashback of Joe Gorga screaming at Teresa the previous night and slamming his engorged fists on the table. Apparently, there was no fracture, by the way. If Nonno is sober enough in whatever afterlife God saw fit to place him to witness that fiasco, I’m sure he’s beaming with pride.

Over dinner, Joe Gorga again brings up the prank phone call Teresa made in Lake George, informing him that Melissa had been cheating on him with a server. Joe claims that the joke must have some sort of “life.” In confessional, Teresa wonders why Joe keeps bringing it up, wondering if something really is going on in their marriage.

The food comes out and several people had ordered octopus, so everyone jokes about “octopussy” for what seems like an eternity. Remember Octomom from 2009? She had an octopussy! Melissa starts giving Teresa dating advice, saying to remember what it’s like to have a man around, passive aggressively saying loudly enough so Joe can hear that he sucks because he thinks she’s too independent. Yes, Teresa, the secret to a happy relationship is to take advice from the passive aggressive woman who’s currently miscommunicating with her husband right before your eyes! And the thing she’s telling you is that she’s basically unhappy and feels like a kept woman. Sound advice, sooouuund advice. Dolores tells Teresa to pay attention to red flags. Like living and spending all your time with your ex husband and not your current boyfriend, Dolores? I’d be surprised if Teresa knows what the term red flag means. Jen gives the advice not to let a man curse at her, and we get my favorite sonic boom sound effect because this is not actually dating advice at all, but in fact shade towards Margaret because she yelled at Joe Benigno the previous night. 

Marge says, “So do you think Joe should leave me because I yelled at him last night?” We are shown a flashback to Margaret screaming, “Did you ever hear it from anybody in town? Tell me right now!” Honestly, it wasn’t really that bad. Jen’s a bitch. Get her and her sixteen bathrooms out of this franchise. Please!

Jen responds to Margaret, saying, “Yeah that is a red flag. I don't talk derogatory to my husband. I was shocked.” Teresa is probably getting excited at this point that they’re going to see the running of the bulls because her brain can’t handle the idea of a symbolic red flag. Also, it’s a red flag what you told us last week about how you sat, scantily clad in a Turkish cafe while your mother told you to shut your mouth because men don’t like women who talk too much, Jen. It’s a red flag that you slut shamed Margaret after she shared that she’d been coerced into sleeping with her boss when she was 20 years old. READ A FUCKIN’ BOOK, JEN. IT’S 2021.

Over at the men’s table, Joe B explains that he and Margaret fight, but it’s always over in ten minutes. Joe G responds, “Yeah. You wear the G-string. She wears the pants.” OK, Gorga, enough! Where do you buy your underwear? The roided out kids’ section? They must have that in New Jersey right? It’s in every strip mall next to the breakfast place that sells pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwiches.

Jen tells Marge that she is “no stranger to meannness...” (followed by another BOOM!), “to say that my husband is my meal ticket.” Can it be mean if it’s true though, Jen? Like tell me, what exactly are your SKILLS? In what labor market would you be able to support yourself? 

Marge retorts that Jen’s only “aspiration is to live the way off your husband.” Jen responds that her only focus is her family, and Jackie says in confessional that sometimes having a career was easier for her than raising children. Marge says it was wrong of Jen to bring up what she told the women in confidence on camera about how she has slept with her bosses in the past. Jen claims that Marge never said it was a me too thing and that Marge made it seem like she was intentionally sexing it up for her bosses as a young woman. Marge accuses Jen of victim blaming, and says that Jen has a perception problem. Melissa chimes in, pointing out that using this against Margaret now is a huge violation of girl code. Jen questions if it’s such a big deal why Marge is going to put it in a book for the world to read. Marge advises Jen to read the book, or better yet listen to the audio, because Jen is an idiot and lazy and probably can’t read.

In the vans on the way home, Melissa and Joe Gorga get in the following stupid fight:

Joe G: Melissa, you gonna wait for your husband? Mel: NO! Joe: Holy shit. You don't wait for me? Mel: Why am I waitin' for you? You're right here, bro. Chill!

JOE slams van door. There is another boom sound effect.

Mel: What are you mad about? Joe G: I'm not mad about nothin'. Mel: Did I do something wrong? Joe: No. Mel: Tell me if I did. Joe: I would just like my wife to wait for me. I mean you just walk away like you don't even have a husband. Mel: Wait. Wait. Joe: Cause when my wife takes off-- Mel: I'm sorry I took off. I'm the host. That's like crazy. Joe: Alright from now on you just go by yourself while I just walk in the back.

Joe clearly doesn’t like all this independence Melissa has now with Envy. (Seriously, does this store really make any money though? Not for nothing, Joe, but I think your crooked house flipping business is still a more solid source of income). Melissa says Joe is spoiled and that she’s sick of kissing his ass. Joe says to be careful what Melissa says or she’ll never see him again. (What a great little narcissist he is!) The two separate ways, as they arrive back at the Gorgas’ Shore house.

Teresa has a very boring conversation with Audriana on the phone during the van ride back to Dolores’s.

Joe Benigno tries to therapize Joe Gorga Jersey-style, along with Evan back at the Gorgas’. I have to say Joe Benigno seems like such a genuinely great guy, and I’m so happy for him and Margaret. He may not be able to pull together a funhouse-themed living room for his wife over four seasons, but damn if he’s not patient, kind, and empathetic. Joe Gorga shares that the change in their marriage bothers him.

Meanwhile upstairs, Jackie and Margaret check on Melissa, who asks what she’s doing wrong. They both assure her that if she were doing something wrong, they would tell her. If there’s one thing you can always count on a Housewife for, it’s to point out others’ flaws. Margaret explains that “[Joe Gorga] is very sensitive. He took you walking in front of him to another level.”

Back downstairs, Joe G’s narcissism is showing again. He tells Joe B, “ You know I wanna be loved. Is that a problem? OK If it is a problem, Whatever!” UGH YES JOE YOUR ONLY FLAW IS YOU WANT TO BE LOVED. IT WASN’T TOTALLY CRAZY THE SHIT YOU JUST PULLED IN THE VAN AT ALL!

This is juxtaposed with Melissa saying to Marge and Jackie, “ He's a very old school mentality. Like, when we started our marriage, I was 24 years old. I did whatever Joe told me to do. He was someone who was jealous. He was someone who was saying, 'Don't move. Stand right here,' and I thought that that was amazing.” We are then given a confessional of Melissa saying, “ Growing up, there was cheating rumors out there about my dad. I watched my mother cry plenty of tears, so the fact that Joe was all about family and wanted to be together all the time was like oh my god. You're everything I've been looking for.” This is truly sad and hits home for me because I can definitely relate to being trapped in a narcissistic relationship that I thought was right at one time, and eventually I saw the light. My heart breaks for Melissa, but it blossoms for her storyline. Thank God! Finally! Melissa continues to tell Marge and Jackie that Joe makes her feel guilty for having a business.

Joe G continues his psychoanalysis with Joe B, saying that his father shaped him to be the man he is. NOW we’re getting somewhere. Nonno could barely mold Play-do, let alone a human child, but honestly, that’s not Melissa’s problem. He says that now that Melissa is famous and successful she’s forgotten who she is, and he dismisses Joe B and Evan. Again, we need to take Jen’s advice from earlier, ironically. PAY ATTENTION TO THESE RED FLAGS, MELISSA! Don’t raise more Joe and Teresa Giudices!

Jackie tells Melissa that Joe G got used to Melissa being his “little bitch,” and now Melissa is not old school anymore. I’m beginning to like Jackie. Joe walks in to talk to Melissa, and Jackie and Margaret excuse themselves, as Melissa starts yelling. Joe says it’s over (but he’s a narcissist, so it’s not), and Melissa sticks to her guns, saying she’s the best version of herself that he’s going to get.

The next morning Joe B and Evan do some manly stretching outside, and Melissa confesses that she hasn’t spoken to Joe since the previous night. She also tells us that it’s very therapeutic for her to ride a giant yellow bicycle at the Jersey Shore. She leaves, and cameras do not follow. Ugh it’s always two steps forward and one step back for this one. Bill weirdly tells Frank that Bill wants Frank’s physique, so he orders a scooped out bagel for breakfast over at Dolores’s. Frank flexes his roided out biceps. Ick. Back at the Gorgas’, Joe G gives a terrible blanket apology, saying that he’s sorry if he ruined anybody’s night last night. OK, but how about your marriage? How about you knew you were being an asshole, Joey? Melissa finally backs down, and she takes everything on herself once again, essentially saying it would be her fault if Joe G ruins the memorial that night because Melissa forced the issue. Melissa confesses that she doesn’t feel good about leaving things unresolved, but the weekend is about Nonno.

Back at Dolores’s everyone is putting on white for Nonno’s memorial party, which I thought was odd because generally black is the funeral color, but this is far from the oddest choice I’ve ever seen made on a reality show set in New Jersey. Teresa is serving Beyonce’s Lemonade realness in a lemon-print dress. She says dimly, “Maybe someone will wanna suck my lemons?” There’s a ding sound effect.

Everyone gets on boats and rides to a restaurant for a luncheon. Joe G says he and Melissa had sex. Ugh. Sex fixes everything, doesn’t it?

At the restaurant Marge orders unsweetened iced tea and not iced coffee. Joe Benigno is wearing a pineapple print shirt. C’mon, Teresa, lemons are sooo 2016! Pineapples are all the rage now! Teresa says that her lemons are a shoutout to the Capri region of Italy, and I’m reminded fondly of Dorit Kemsley’s Capri room at Bucca Di Beppo. Melissa tells Teresa about her and Joe’s fight. Teresa says that Melissa needs to give Joe a lot of attention. She confesses that Melissa needs to be more grateful because it’s hard to find a man who actually loves you. Yikes this family is fucked up! Teresa’s honest opinion is that it’s a big bonus if your husband actually loves you.

Melissa begins noticing a lot of phone calls coming from a woman named “Realtor Giselle” on Joe G’s phone. It turns out to be a hilarious prank that Joe Gorga is playing to get back at his wife for having Teresa call and say Melissa was cheating on him in Lake George. What fuckin’ timing. At least frickin’ love bomb Melissa, you engorged, blood-sucking tick! Melissa says that if Joe ever cheated on her she would, “Throw [him] in the fuckin’ bay and leave [him] there.” 

Joe Gorga confesses that he’s glad Melissa is jealous enough to call Giselle back. I think I’m gonna hurl. GET HELP, JOE. YOU NEED HELP!

Nonno’s party looks beautiful, minus a half-finished collage of photos on a half-assed step and repeat. Someone brings Joe Gorga some spray paint art of Nonno smoking a cigar with his shirt open. Gross, but accurate. Johnnie Walker either sponsored this party or Nonno’s whole life. Along with another canvas painting of Nonno, BIll Aydin gives Joe G a bottle of Johnnie Walker.

Dolores says her uterus hurts, as Frankie arrives, looking like a melting Ken Doll. 

Two swans swim by in the bay, and everyone claims they’re Nonno and Nonna.

Margaret is impressed with the charcuterie board.

Teresa gives a tearful speech, saying that her father was very affectionate, and that’s where she and Joe G get it from. No he wasn’t. He was a weird slurry drunk. No you two are not affectionate... Moving on!

Gia reads a speech from her phone, calling Nonno the “glue” that held the family together. If by glue she meant the kind you sniff, then yes. Everyone throws white flowers into the bay. We’re shown a confessional of Teresa crying about how close they were juxtaposed by a flashback of Teresa asking Nonno how much he’s had to drink during season 8′s Easter episode. Joe says that Nonno always told Joe to take care of Teresa, and everyone does a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue.

I spoke ill of the deceased in this post. I just don’t buy what they’re selling about Nonno for one damn second. Joe and Teresa are great TV and terrible people. Terrible siblings usually tend to be raised by terrible parents. These opinions are mine, and I’m entitled to them.