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bluecookies02 · 4 years

Text

When they make you cry

pairings: Hawks x Reader, Dabi x Reader, Bakugou x Reader, Aizawa x Reader, Izuku x Reader, Tamaki x Reader

Tamaki, Bakugou and Hawks are in a female!reader perspective, the rest of them are Gender Neutral

warnings: angst to fluff

masterlist

Hawks will get cocky, laughing in your face when he sees your shocked expression.

Both of you were going at each others throats, spitting insults to one another, just your recent daily routine.

Now Hawks knew you were a tough gal, which in his head made it alright for him to strike a really painful nerve into your chest.

As you remained speechless he turned around, a winning smirk plastered on his lips.

Just as he took a few steps forward, sobs wrecked your body as you hid your face in your hands.

"I d-don't think I can take this anymore Keigo" your broken voice reached his ears.

A pang of guilt pierced his chest once he turned around to face you.

He did this. He made you cry. He completely drained your happiness out. He hurt you.

His teeth dug into his lip, his eyes stinging as tears picked at them.

At that point, he didn't give two shits about who's right and who's wrong, his arms reaching for you and wrapping themselves around your shaking form.

He held you there for a while, listening to your cries that gradually turned into soft sniffles against his chest.

"I-" He opens his mouth but his words remained stuck at his throat.

"I don't want us to end..." you mumbled, your own words throwing you into another sobbing fit.

"We won't end here kid, I've got you...shit...I'm a fucking idiot...of course we won't end sweetheart...c'mon look at me" he raised your chin up gently, looking into your red eyes.

"I'm sorry, fuck I'm sorry...not just for today, for every day before this, I-, God... don't leave kid, p-please"

You stared at his face, tears now streaming down his cheeks as his grip on you tightened.

You swallow the lump in your throat, grabbing his hands in yours.

"Something has to change Keigo...I miss you...we've been distant for months. Sometimes you don't even come home to me, do you know how that feels?"

"I know, I know, I swear... I miss you too. I'll tell you about everything I promise. Let's go home please."

You hesitantly nod, putting your heart on the line for the last time.

And now looking back, you're glad you did.

//quirk: flesh manipulation (the reader can manipulate the molecules in a person's flesh just by touching it, making them useful mid-battle to make the other heroes ready to fight again in a matter of seconds, but also making them a threat to their enemies )

If there was one thing he despised about you, it was your guts.

Hell curse him for falling in love with someone so stubborn.

To live through a relationship with Dabi meant that you had to have though skin. You had to be strong enough to bite your cheeks and endure the issues that people in regular relationships never face.

He enters your home, covered in bruises and cuts, asking for your first aid kit.

You sigh to yourself, your usual nagging and yelling never reaching his ears.

You place the first aid kit onto your bedside table, turning your back to him, tiredly walking out of the room.

"Hey-" his voice calls out to you, quiet and confused.

You close the door behind you, making your way to your couch.

One of these days it'll be the last time he walks into your home, the last time you help him clean his cuts and the last time you hear his voice.

The weight of uncertainty pulls at your chest harder with every passing day.

He chose to continue living like this, he is the one that keeps ruining his own life, it's his ambitions that are making you this miserable.

Once he patches himself up, he sits on your bed for a while. Your silance meaning one thing and one thing only. You finally realized how pointless being with him is, you finally got it through your thick skull that he's nothing special to dwell about.

Time passes by quickly, a few hours already gone yet he's still glued to the same spot, not having the strength to leave your room, too scared to face your rejection once he gets out.

He should be happy for you, you won't be hurting anymore, you'll be able to find someone better.

He slowly twists the knob, taking slow steps through your living room.

You are laying on your couch, tear stains on your face and a tissue crumbled in your hand.

His chest tightenes at the sight. You cried yourself to sleep. He wonders... how many times did you cry over him? How many times would you just lay here as he carelessly roamed the streets?

He should leave...he should spare you the pain he brings. You were the only good thing in his life and by continuing this he'll ruin you, piece by piece.

You showed nothing but kindness to him, you made him realize that some people are worth getting close to, you being a hero also making his resolves shake under his feet.

He stretched his arm out to your cheek, careful not to wake you up.

He left a soft kiss to your temple before leaving your house.

-----

You woke up to a persistent ring of your doorbell.

You felt terrible...your hair was a mess, your nose was all clogged up and your eyes burned from all the crying.

You opened your door with annoyance, mad at whoever decided to burst your sadness bubble.

"Hey doll, I would've let myself in but my hands are kinda busy"

Your boyfriend stood there with a backpack on his shoulder and a carton box in his hands.

"So...do you happen to have a room to spare for a year or two...maybe three?"

You stare in disbelief your hand covering your mouth.

"I know that me being a villain might be a setback but...I got some hair dye? I might even consider letting you fix my jigsaw face."

Your body crashed into his, the box dropping to the ground as you squeezed your arms around him.

Maybe he can make you as happy as you make him.

You knew he was rough around the edges, but you never even imagined that you would be the one his rage would be directed at.

As soon as insults came crashing your way you left the room.

You were just trying to calm him down, placing your hand on his shoulder as you urged him to stop shouting and just let it go.

His rough hands grabbed yours, throwing your hand away like you were a mere fly, his quirk burning your skin.

You tried calling out to him just for him to snap around and scream at you.

Once you reached your dorm tears freely rolled down your cheeks.

You yearned for a normal relationship, longed for some peace and quiet just for a week or two.

Yet you just couldn't let the blonde go, always hoping for some miracle to come your way and take ahold of his ego.

--------

It's around 2 am and he can't fall asleep for the hell of it.

You're not picking up his calls nor answering his texts and you've been inactive on social media for hours.

Kirishima has been urging him to go to your dorm for two hours already, spamming him massages about him not being manly enough to win you back.

It's not like he doesn't want to, he just has no idea how to. Should he get you something? Get you some food and flowers? Where the fuck can he find all these things at 2 am? Isn't that how people in movies apologize or something...

He hates when you're mad at him, he is scared shitless of actually scaring you off and pushing you away.

A knock at your door snaps you out of your thoughts and a small flame of hope warms your heart for a split second as you make your way to your door.

He's holding a gray hoodie and a pair of bento boxes.

"That's not gonna fix it Katsuki."

"I know shitty woman you didn't even give me a chance to speak!"

You're sure that that's the first time Bakugou said the word "sorry" in his whole life.

The way it rolled off his tongue was shaky but somewhat determined, his hand grabbing ahold of yours gently.

Guilt was evident on his face as he stroked the bandages covering your hands.

"It's not that bad Katsu, and I understand that it was an accident." you mumbled trying to pull from his grip so he can focus on something else.

He grabbed ahold of your wrists, bringing your palms to his lips.

"I'll work on it, I promise. It'll never happen again. I mean it." you just give a soft nod, leading him to the table.

"Good. Now let's eat, breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" you cheered, opening the bentos and stuffing your mouth with rice.

"Y/N...it's 4 am."

"Exactly, now eat, you're not gonna let me eat all of this by myself?!"

For this man, it was close to impossible to make his s/o cry.

He cherishes the relationship he has with you, making you feel special every single day at a time.

So when he sees you crying, he's confused and alarmed.

He reaches for you, trying his best to give you the comfort he thinks you need.

When you push his hands away and scream at him...Oh boy...

He's terrified.

Did he do something? Did he forget your anniversary? Your birthday? Did he eat your snack from the fridge??

You're pulling at the strands of your hair, your head buried into your knees as you sob.

He looks around, eyes widening when he sees a photo of himself and some girl kissing on the screen of your phone.

He wasn't there? He has proof! He was in a meeting! All of his colleagues could confirm that, he just needs you to listen! Please listen to him.

He's talking...blabbering...begging for you to just look at him.

As soon as you look up for a split second, he's hugging you, smothering your face in kisses as you weakly try to push him away.

Finally he leans his forehead against yours, letting out a long sigh of relief when he realizes that you're not crying anymore.

"Please Shouta, please, if you even have any respect for me, don't lie to me." you mumble out coldly, turning your head from him.

"Y/N, I would never, ever do that to you! Never! I love you so much, please, you have to know that, you do know that!"

You're too stubborn, but he calls all of his colleges one by one, putting them on speaker for you, asking about the time of the meeting or details of the meeting and they all have the same answer.

So now, your throat is dry and there's a lump in your throat, guilt eating at you as you try to apologize.

He couldn't give two shits about any of that, all he has to know is that you're okay and that you're still his.

He's not letting you go for the rest of the day, you're wrapped under the blankets with him as he makes sure you never believe the bullshit you see online.

"Sweetheart if I ever cheat on you, that's the day I cut my own dick off and bleed to death."

It makes you giggle and then laugh hysterically and he's just looking at you with the biggest heart eyes 🥺

Izuku would never do anything to make you cry.

He pays attention to every single detail in your relationship and he especially pays attention to your feelings.

What he is really bad at, is taking care of himself.

He doesn't take in consideration how you feel when he comes home all stitched up and tired, or how he stays up late to train and push himself further than his body can take.

However one day, he is exhausted from his training and he barely has any strength left. His phone rings and he is rushing out the door, already panting.

You don't reach him in time to stop him, so here you are, hours later next to his hospital bed.

The villain wasn't too powerful, but his state caused him to pass out in the middle of the bettle field.

As soon as he wakes up, you're yelling at him, but at the same time sobbing against his chest.

"I can't just stand here and watch you hurt yourself Zuku... I can't, I can't, I can't....O-one of these days you're just gonna slip away from my hands, I can't. Please" You're grip on him softens as you loose the strength in your hands.

His arms wrap themselves around you, trying his best not to flinch as you rub against his bandages.

His eyes are watering, realization dawning on him as he holds your tired body against him.

You're right...He sees the state of himself after a lowlife villain with a pathetic quirk sent him into the hospital. He doesn't even want to think about what would've happened if there was someone much stronger out there.

"Hey Y/N...I-...I might take a week off, to rest yeah? Does that sound good?"

You nod, wiping away the tears as you sniffle.

"And you won't be training at night anymore. And you won't be staying up late!" you scold as he rubs your cheeks.

"I won't. I promise." he places a kiss at your temple, pulling you onto the hospital bed next to him.

"Let's sleep for a bit yeah? I might owe you a few hours..."

You're crying, he's crying.

He's down on one knee and he's stuttering, his hands shaking as he hears you cry out a happy "Yes".

He barely gets the ring on your finger, burying his head into your neck as soon as he gets to his feet.

You always thought that he was going to propose to you at home, maybe some homecooked dinner with roses and candles. You didn't mind that option either.

You were surprised that he even suggested a walk in the park.

I mean, it was a really small park with little to no people in the area but it was beautiful nonetheless.

You're all giddy and happy as he takes your hand in his, his eyes always glancing at the ring on your finger.

Once you spot an ice cream stand you leap in happiness, rushing to get ice cream for the both of you.

The lady selling it smiles brightly at you.

"Is that the lucky guy?" you nod grabbing your icecream as Tamaki hides behind you.

"Good job sweetheart, you're making this lady very happy, I can feel it in my old bones" you laugh at her remark as you nudge Tamaki forward.

She hands him his ice cream and winks at him.

He's blushing and thanking the lady before running off to an empty bench.

”He’s a lil’ shy but he's got the spirit” you say to the lady as you rush off to get him.

You take the time to really study the ring, the beautiful blue crystal shining in the sun.

”I...I hope you l-like it...Nejire helped me out. Uhm I probably shouldn't have said that...S-she-"

"I like it Tama...I love it actually" you place a gentle kiss just at the corner of his lips, his hands grabbing your cheeks and kissing you deeply in return.

His cheeks are warm and his lips are slow against yours but you melt against him, letting him place you in his lap.

"Oh my God, I have a fiancé, oh my God, I have to call Mirio and tell him you said yes. You said yes, right?"

You laugh as you shake your head at him, playing with his hair as he fumbles with his phone.

All of the pictures are from the original anime/manga (please do correct me if I'm wrong in the comments below)

The Tamaki one has no angst in it because I had to heal from all of the emotional rollercosters.

___________

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ziracona · 4 years

Note

So last night I wound up reading Amanda's wiki and It made me kind of sad for her, because it very much sounds like she was suffering from stockholme syndrome of a kind there, to me, atleast. Which makes me wonder, what do you think of the pig/amanda? What's your Amanda like in your stories? Do you think she had any potential for redemption (with A LOT of work)? I guess I just wanna hear your thoughts on her character because ur always rly good at it?? - Sleepy

Yeah, whoever wrote the Saw wiki loves Amanda and hates Hoffman and it’s genuinely hilarious. They make a lot of assumptions (like that her motive for killing Adam after he won his game was mercy killing, which is a throughly unconfirmed opinion), and use the most sympthetic & extreme language possible. I’ve watched all the Saw films, and as a character, Amanda is a very enjoyable villain, but as a person? She’s a truly awful human being. (Side note—this typed last— So, mentioning certain Saw characters sends me flying into a rage like a D&D berserker, so this is gonna get angry as hell, but 0 of it is at you. I love you. This is at the Jigsaw squad. WHO I FUCKING HATE. Ahem. Anyway. Felt like the level of unbridled and sudden fury needed a heads up lol.) It’s not Stockholm syndrome. In Saw one, she’s a victim who is put in a reverse beartrap and forced to either die, or cut the key out of the stomach of a paralyzed by drugs but very alive (which she knew) other kidnap victim, whom she cut open and killed. After enduring that trauma and barely surviving, she immediately accepted John’s offer to join him. She was not forced, she was not tricked. He asked, and because she wanted to feel special and important, she agreed to inflict suffering she knew goddamn well the horrible level of on others first hand, and went willingly. She is self-centered to her core, and became dependent on and infatuated with John, and obsessed with his approval. She kidnapped Adam and Lawrence with him, who were kidnapped for fuckall reason (literally John just thought photography was pathetic) and for almost cheating on his wife (lol this was John’s ‘stated’ reason—his real reason was John is the world’s pettiest bitch, and Lawrence was the doctor who told him he had cancer. I’m not fkn kidding he’s that level of petty self-absorbed, self-righteous bastard) respectively. Then killed Adam after he won his game, which should have given him freedom but John reneged on like he always does like the pissy little bitch he is, Amanda killed him for reasons up to speculation. However, given John usually tests people who win a second time or tries to get them to join or some bullshit, it’s more plausible to assume her motive was seeing him as a threat than that it was mercy killing, and it’s only stated in-film to be an emotion based decision, not her actual movtive. Everyone’s opinion on this action is just that—opinion. With varying degrees of factual basis behind the educated level of educated guess.

In Saw 2, she helps John kidnap a bunch of drug addicts like herself who all got false arrests by the same officer at one time or another, along with a poor fucking 15 year old whose crime is having that cop for a dad. She then spent the next two hours watching people whose only crime was drug use, like herself, die horribly of organ deterioration, knowing at any time she could have stopped it and saved them all because she knew how to get the antidotes. Bitch even holds one girl in her arms and stokes her head and pretends to care about her while she hacks up deteriorated lung and blood and fucking dies, when at any moment she could have chosen to let her live. Literally no one should be more sympathetic to them than her. She knows how addicted to drugs feels, and the help you need. Anyway, she doesn’t, she lets them die and plays with them, and then when it’s to her, the 15 year old—who multiple times saves or helps her when hurt by other participants, and is nothing but kind—and one other man, the man shows up to kill her to get an antidote, and the poor fucking 15 year old child kills him with a saw to save her, traumatizing himself to a breakdown afterwords, and instead of being even thankful, she attacks and knocks him out, ties him up and attaches an oxygen tank so he won’t suffocate, and locks him in a fucking like tiny ass safe to be a game piece for another trial and leaves him there. His dad, who admittedly needs to serve jail time but isn’t a fucking murderer at least & does love his son, shows up distraught looking for his kid he’s afraid is dead, and she sneak attacks and takes him down, then leaves him chained up in a nasty lost bathroom to starve slowly to death, and doesn’t even do him the decency of telling him his kid isn’t dead. When he breaks his foot to get free and comes hobbling wounded after her, she sneak attacks again and he nearly wins, but she fucks up his broken foot and starts to leave, then comes back and beats him (she thinks) to death becuase he said she would never be Jigsaw, and she’s that petty and proud. Kid never gets to know what happened to his dad, and even alive, will definitely die young from the complications one, you know, gets from almost dying of chemical organ deterioration.

In Saw 3, the main victim is a man whose kid was lost in a hit and run. Jigsaw has Amanda kidnap his wife because she’s a surgeon and also was once not as sympathetic as he thought she should be when talking to him about his cancer at the hospital (I’m not even fucking exaggerating—side note, I will beat John Kramer to death myself with my huge fucking meat fists and laugh as I watch his bones crumble to dust). This poor bitch just lost a kid, then separated from her husband because he was a fucking mess consumed with revenge against the poor college kid who accidentally hit his son & totally withdrew from the world, and she wakes up with a collar filled with shotgun shells basically a 360 gun blow off your head collar deal on, and Amanda wheeling her around in the wheelchair she’s tied to. They tell her if she keeps John alive until the person being tested finishes his test, she can go free. The whole movie, Amanda keeps trying to convince John to kill the poor woman even though she complies just because she’s a throughly selfish, petty, conceited, self-pitying bastard with no regard for others, and wants this “Bitch” to die for fun. She feels she’s a threat for John’s attentions, and John isn’t even romantically inclined toward her, but she’s obsessed and doesn’t care. Amanda decides between Saws 2 and 3 that people aren’t fixable—even though she herself was supposedly “helped” by her Jigsaw game and this is hypocritical as fuck—and just starts straight up fucking torture murdering for fun. To the point even John thinks she has to be stopped. Like if John fucking Kramer thinks you’ve gone to far? Jesus help you because no one else can. She still does the torture, but instead of like, chopping off your own hand with a paring knife and getting to live, you chop it off and then still slowly get your head crushed between two beams being screwed closer and closer together. She kills Kerry for fuckall reason except she wants to (Kerry is a detective who did jack shit wrong—she was just on the case. It’s utter bullshit). Kidnaps her, straps a thing with hooks in her ribs that will tear out her rib cage when a timer runs out, and kill her that way, and had her hung up above the ground tied by chains, and tells her if she burns her hand up in a bottle of acid to get the key at the bottom which is hard period in the suit—never mind losing the hand—she can live. And Kerry fucking does, ruins her hand, unlocks the lock, and the suit won’t come off becuase the cunt rigged it. Then Amanda shows up to watch her die for fun just to smile smugly at her and watch her fear. Because she’s a fucking soulless, sadistic, evil, self-centered, self-important asshole.

Obsessed dad let’s a fucking bystander whose only crime was seeing a hit and run and running off freeze to death stripped naked and sprayed with water in a freezer slowly, saves a judge who gave too weak a sentence to the hit and run kid after the man begs, and then lets the poor fucking college kid who did it and already feels awful get his arms twisted till they snap off, legs twisted till the same, and then his head twisted around back so far it twist snap kills him. The rack is fucking beyond inhumane death. Amanda monitors this while threading Lynn (the poor doctor lady) for fun and crying over poow wittwe John who is dying of cancer (thank you god for doing what we couldn’t), and being miserable. Eventually, Hoffman sends her a letter saying if she doesn’t kill Lynn, he’ll tell John that she was one of the people there to steal drugs the night his wife got injured and miscarried (he probably already knew 🙄), and becuase Amanda cares about nothing more than Amanda, she fucking monolgauges at John about how special and sad she is how he needs to fix her and she’s a murderer but she doesn’t care because you know—she’s depressed : ( so she gets a pass for her self she’s UwU sad so her poor little crisis can have a massive torture body count bc she’s that special UwU and why is Lynn not gonna die even though she did her job!??? So unfair! No one changes kill them all but tell me I’m special I’m symapthetic because I’m sad and that makes it fun for me to tear people’s ribs out :’( —and then she fucking shoots Lynn becuase she cares less about an innocent woman’s life than the potential for John to be mad at her :’-( you know—such symapthetic stuff! And then John is like “Ok then fkn die :’(“ and Jeff/unstable dad/Lynn’s husband runs in and shoots her and then kills John.

Anyway! I fucking hate Amanda with a passion, and John. I cannot stand humans who hurt each other for fun, especially when they target those who most need help. But above all I cannot abide a person who is a sadistic, selfish, wholly self-absorbed fuck of a human, and refuses to take any responsibility for their actions or admit how fucking bad they are and has the goddamn nerve to act like a victim. Like if you’re going to be an evil son of a bitch, at least have the decency to admit it. If you’re a self-pitying “im uwu special and sad and better and more important than everyone else” —double points for “& becuase I am attractive I can get away with being a soulless shit without any being held accountable” from fandom or the media itself, tripple if from both—? I will kill you myself. I will rip out your eyes and chew on them. I will kill my self on a bomb to take you too. I will chew off my left arm for the sole purpose of getting to beat you to death with it. The wiki writer bends over back so bad they’re gonna need a brace the rest of their life to make her sound sympthetic, but they’re just a fan. She’s not. At all. She doesn’t have Stockholm, and I see people say “she got manipulated and used : (“ all the time, but without fail so far it’s people who think she’s hot and just want a reason to stan that because somehow a hot white woman with short hair even if canonically infatuated with John Kramer is somehow both a lesbian, and excusable for every horrible torture murder she ever did to feel uwu special in her depressed sad times. She wasn’t manipualated. It happened fast, she wasn’t courted into it, and she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. He offered her an out, made sure she was serious, and she stayed. And then she escalated to the point John took her out to stop her, because it was worse than what he wanted to do. I enjoyed her as a villain but as a person I fucking hate Amanda, and don’t really want to see her get another chance. Bastard doesn’t deserve one. I can’t say there’s no continuum in which she could never improve or be redeemed becuase who the fuck knows, and I like to think there’s a smidgen of hope for anyone, but that said, I do think the more evil you willfully do, the more you lose your humanity, and you can hit a point there’s just no person left. So. Anyway, hah, I don’t think she’s redeemable and frankly don’t want her redeemed. I want to burn her to death myself if I have to die that way too. Also! This was a wildly angry answer but none of it is directed at you. That wiki writer does make her sound symapthetic, I’ve read the wiki too—just I go into a blind rage any time John or Amanda is even mentioned and it takes me a half hour to come back down. I fly into a rage. If I ever go into anaphylactic shock, all a friend has to do is start mentioning the names of Saw villains and my adrenaline will start pumping like jet fuel and I’ll be fine. I just have a whole lot of righteously just rage at horrible awful self-righteous self-absorbed malicious manipulative dehumanizing self-pity bastards who take 0 responsibility for their evil or admit it, and Amanda & John are two at the way top of that rage list. It’s a dark but powerful headspace when I think of them. I become very powerful...but also very enraged. Lol, anyway, here’s the breakdown you didn’t need, but it is throrough!

#ask #Sleepy #anonymous #Saw #dead by daylight #Amanda Young #Saw 2 #Saw 3 #spoilers #side note! I have friends who /do/ love her as a character—I ain’t got beef with her existing or smth. or people who enjoy or love her #I like my fair share of horrible villains. I love Rafe from Uncharted 4 & he’s a certified piece of shit.#the only thing that gets me is people who try to be like ‘🥺 : ( but she’s a pwetty white woman w short hair which = lesbian /queen/! & makes #her exempt from all responsibility of torture murder. 💕💖 bc she’s so special and she was sad : ( I hc she dissociates so how can people not #love her if I pretend she doesn’t know what she’s done when canonically that’s not the case but I still think it? why do you not adhere to #my personal head canon making her sympthetic. : ( She’s pretty so she deserves 0 guilt or punishment. pwetty sad poor little baby girl : (#needs love. TuT No badness ever wum? she isn’t responsible for her own actions what u mean an adult is responsible for their choices even if #sad?? :0 No. I don’t understand you can love terrible characters so I have to snap my back in half trying to pretend she did nothing wrong’#because I have uhhhh seen it more than I wish despite my best efforts & im so goddamn tired :’)#sorry Sleepy this is like #one of my top 10 ‘I’m flyinn into a rage’ buttons I can’t help it I hear John or Amanda’s names & I see red #and can’t stop until the Justice and Judgement cards of life’s tarot deck are done punting me back and forth like a racquetball

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slashertalks · 4 years

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I think the most enjoyable thing to me about film review is how fluid it is. Not only is the medium, by nature, ever-changing, but with personal experience comes a shift in opinion that can change perspectives so much it requires a completely new piece. Though this work is not coming out of so drastic a change, it is coming out of a desire to rectify something put forward in my previous SAW review. Similarly, it is a statement of something core to my beliefs with all my reviews: that “bad” films are not always truly bad. Often, they’re quite enjoyable.

Now, I should put forward my frame of reference for this, in the form of two facts. The first: my current hyperfixation is SAW. The second: the only two SAW films I’ve seen are the original, and SAW 3D. Do with this information what you will, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that what I’m writing comes from a place of intense personal passion, and simultaneously intense disinterest. See, when I say SAW, I mean specifically Doctor Lawrence Gordon and Adam Faulkner-Stanheight. To a lesser extent, I am also fixated on the production, but that’s relatively common for me. The technical, visual aspects of a film are often just as important to my enjoyment of it as anything else— I’m more inclined to enjoy a film with physical effects and mechanics, both of which SAW has plenty.

This piece is serving as both an expansion on my original short blurb on SAW, and an acknowledgement that SAW 3D is not, as I put it, the horror equivalent of “a daytime soap opera.” It is, quite simply, a fun movie.

Do I have any background in any of the characters beyond Dr. Gordon himself? Not in the slightest— I’m coming into this movie with no expectations for how Hoffman or Jill Tuck should behave. This is, perhaps, a flaw of my own attention span. I tend to jump about through franchises: for years, I’d only seen the first and third Friday the 13th movies. I still haven’t seen the second or sixth Nightmare on Elm Street. My viewing history is filled with maybe somedays, films I’m certain I’d enjoy, most often part of franchises I know I like, but I just don’t have the motivation to sit down and watch them. Saw 2-6 and Jigsaw are part of this category.

What does that make SAW 3D, then? Lacking background in characters beyond Lawrence, whose appearance is unfortunately limited, what do I get from what was supposed to be the close of the franchise?

Not much, quite honestly.

SAW 3D is not a film rich in much. Beyond a trap made of an entire building which feels a little too poetic for Hoffman to have made (judging, again, by my admittedly-limited knowledge of the character), and an enjoyably gruesome trap made for a group of neo-nazis (I SQUIRMED watching this one!!!! SQUIRMED!!!! I can’t remember the last time I had to look away from a movie!!!!!! Even on a second viewing, I had to close my eyes at this part! Can you tell how exciting that is?), SAW 3D feels rather slapped together. I’ve heard as well that the director had no desire to actually direct the film, which makes things difficult.

What does a film do when saddled with an unwilling director? Its best, of course, and SAW 3D is still a valiant enough effort. Is it a masterpiece? Not by any stretch of the word, but it’s fun. This here is why horror is one of my favorite genres! SAW is a masterpiece of modern horror, a reflection of the magic of A Texas Chain Saw Massacre! A rarity! A gem! I couldn’t be more enthusiastic about this film. SAW even surpasses Texas Chain Saw in one area: the actors, director, and staff had fun making this movie! I will always sing praise for Texas Chain Saw; it is the film I consider the penultimate horror movie, unsurpassable in its legacy. It captured a sort of magic in how gut-wrenchingly horrific it is with such minimal blood: it’s all psychological.

As previously said, I feel that SAW captures that same magic. The film has minimal gore, a byproduct of its limited budget, but is remembered as much more brutal than it actually is— it became the springboard for a franchise absolutely drenched in disgusting moments. SAW 3D’s neo-nazi trap is chief among them, for me (that back glue? good GOD man....). Yet, where the cast of Texas Chain Saw have many painful, sweaty, exhausting moments to remember (the actor who played Nubbins was a veteran and has stated that his time working on Texas Chain Saw was worse than his time as a soldier), the cast of the original SAW had a blast, proven by an audio commentary filled with James Wan, Leigh Whannell, and Cary Elwes all poking fun at each other (and a ridiculously goofy Marlon Brando impersonation from Mr. Elwes — I genuinely can’t recommend the commentary enough).

Even separated completely from my personal passion for the film, it’s an amazing feat for me to sit here and say to you all that a film has, in one instance, surpassed for me my pinnacle of horror. How often does that happen?

Yet, I still haven’t completed my thoughts on SAW 3D. Circling back, I have to laugh. I’ve unintentionally mirrored my own Texas Chain Saw viewing pattern with my SAW viewings: for quite a long time, I’d only seen Texas Chain Saw and TCM: The Next Generation. If you’ve been here long enough, you’ve seen me mention TNG time and time again. To recap, for those of you who may be seeing my writing for the first time: it’s a genuinely HORRIBLE film. It is, however, a favorite of mine— enough so that I own it on DVD, now. TNG is a purposefully bad film, created with the intent of antagonizing the viewer and calling to attention our pattern of complacent viewership. In my original piece on TNG, I state that “my problem with modern horror is that it’s loud, the violence is gratuitous and charmless ... because supposedly that’s what a Modern Viewer [sic] wants. TCM4 takes these things, grinds your nose into them, and says ‘fuck you, you want this? here'” (source). Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation defies the conventions of modern horror in a deeply obnoxious, yet thought-provoking way. SAW 3D... does not.

SAW 3D’s greatest problem is, perhaps, that it’s exactly what audiences demand. Though I must admit the 3D is tasteful, and I’m grateful for that, the fact remains that the movie lacks innovation. While it doesn’t necessarily need to innovate as the close of a franchise, I ultimately think it’s ridiculous to have tried to close the franchise at all. As much as I hate the trend of reboots and remakes in the modern market, particularly modern horror, I must acknowledge that studios will milk a popular franchise for all that it’s worth, and sometimes more (I’m looking at you, SyFy Pumpkinhead sequels).

SAW 3D is the victim of an unfortunate situation. An over-saturation of SAW films in the market meant waning popularity, coupled with a fanbase still dedicated enough to want a finale, and a director lacking interest in the project (we all get tired of things, no matter how passionate we may be in the beginning— I hardly blame anyone for being tired of the franchise after the way they churned those films out). This isn’t to imply any of the films are bad, especially since I haven’t seen them! There is, however, an undeniable pattern to horror films which has persisted since the 70s and 80s: horror franchises tank after 3-5 films. Some are lucky, some less so, but the range of 3-5 films seems to be the golden one for horror. For a movie franchise, seven films is comfortably beyond that, and SAW 3D is misleadingly the seventh film.

For as much as I’ll happily sit down and watch it, SAW 3D puts nothing forward and asks nothing in return. A franchise that started with such a dramatic bang went out with a fizzle (or would have, if not for Jigsaw and the upcoming Spiral). It’s enjoyable to see the reverse bear trap used. It’s enjoyable to see Lawrence again, and to watch Hoffman lay on the ground and get poked (quoth the reviewer: get his ass, Larry). It’s... fun, but it’s cheap fun. It’s fast food horror. I’m happy to have it once in a while, but the late 2000s to 2010s were oversaturated with similar films. I want more from a movie meant to close out something as dramatically influential as SAW, something so enrapturing! Something which I can confidently say exceeds Texas Chain Saw Massacre in one important area! Damn it, the SAW franchise deserved better than this!

Maybe it’ll get it, with the Spiral reboot coming out. Maybe it won’t, who knows? I’m interested to see how Spiral plays out, and I have surprisingly high hopes. Between that and the Candyman remake, there are a lot of “re-” horror films I’m genuinely looking forward to. I haven’t felt this way about a horror re-anything since Evil Dead in 2013, and I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. We’ll see what the future holds — hopefully something that’ll be handled better than the original franchise was, though I don’t think Hollywood will ever learn to distinguish a dead horse from a live one. They’ll just keep beating and beating every horse in the stable. Perhaps I’m really a pessimist about all this, but again: personal experience. I’ll keep my cautious optimism up, and keep an eye out. I’m planning on watching Dying Breed and Cooties soon (two films with Leigh Whannell in them), so expect at least a short blurb on those two, and who knows? Maybe you’ll see something big about Spiral in the future. After all, if even a fizzle like SAW 3D can make me squirm even now, I think there’s a lot of hope to be had.

#saw 3d #saw the final chapter #saw

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total-distraction-babes · 4 years

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I was tagged by @dear-goodbye Thank you for the tag!

Do you make your bed? Yes, well sort of haha I usually sleep on the floor (don’t judge me, I like it.) but I fold my bedding up and put it somewhere. I think it’s important to make your bed, back when I slept in my bed every night I still made sure to make it.

Your favourite number? When I’m asked I usually say “4″ but I don’t really have a favourite.

If you could go back to school, would you? Nooooo. I mean, maybe? If I could go back and be a better and smarter person, then I would like to go back and do a few things differently but while I liked school for the most part I was also a really messed up person mentally and made a few mistakes.

Can you parallel park?

A job you had that would surprise people? Uhh...? I don’t know. I used to do a paper route for years. Some might find that surprising. It wasn’t a bike one like you see on TV, it was in a car. My brother or mom would drive and I would fold. It surprises people how much I can carry because I grew up hauling bundles haha.

Do you think aliens are real? Yes. It is a vast and ever-expanding universe. To think we are the only ones is ridiculous. And I would 10/10 go on an adventure with an alien if they asked.

Can you drive manual? See gif above 😆

Guilty pleasure? I don’t think I have any? I try not be guilty of the things I like. I guess if I had to pick one it would eating waaay too many Hot Cheetos while watching a documentary or drama and playing on my phone.

Tattoos? None. I don’t think I could ever commit to one. I have decided if I ever have to get one I would get either “Thoschei” in small print or a simple letter “a” to say, “Yes, I do have A tattoo.” but then I found out Harry Judd had the same idea haha

Favourite colour? Purple. I love it. I love all colours really, red is another one I love and wear a lot. I have grown to have a love of yellow as well. Blue and green are also pretty. I do like all the colours but purple is my favourite. Perfect place for a Jason Orange joke.

Favourite type of music? AHHH! NOOOO!!! Don’t make me choose. I love all music. It’s all brilliant! Currently, I’ve gotten back into 80s synthpop and have been listening to loads of Human League but I do love all music. Country, rock, pop, punk, electronic, DJ mixes, jazz, classical. You name it, I’ll listen to it.

I do have a soft spot for the late 60s through the late 80s and swing music though. Those are the ones I go to if I don’t know what I want to listen to.

Things people do that drive you crazy? Litter. I don’t see the point or why anyone would do that. When people belittle others. When people make excuses for their significant other instead of leaving them or trying to change things. When people kill insects because they make them uncomfortable. When people go trophy hunting. When people are abusive. Keeping other people in slavery. There are lots but I know most humans are mostly good people trying their best so I trust that we are heading in the right direction.

Do you like doing puzzles? I like doing crosswords occasionally or sudoku but I’m not a massive fan of jigsaw puzzles. It would be fun to do with friends though as long as no one was too serious about it, you know?

Any phobias? I like to say I have three fears: heights, clowns and Gary Barlow.

On a more emotional note, I fear myself most of all. I fear I’ll never be able to escape from this life. I fear I’ll go back to hating myself. I fear I’ll go back to hurting myself. I fear I’ll ruin everything again. I fear I’ll go back to self-sabotaging and bring everything down with me. The biggest threat to my life, safety and happiness is myself. How can I not be afraid of that?

But that’s a bit heavy and would get me weird looks at a dinner party so heights, clowns and Gary Barlow it is.

Do you talk to yourself? “I love talking to myself, it’s the only sure way I’ll get to have an interesting conversation.” I like to talk to myself or sometimes I’ll monologue quietly to myself while walking, it’s good to get the clutter of thoughts out.

Favourite childhood sport? afjkfjkbsvjdkbsig sport??? I never liked or played any sports. I did use to bowl while my siblings were in a bowling league but I hated the noise. Also didn’t like going to my siblings’ basketball, softball and baseball games. I did enjoy trying to play badminton or tennis back when we had a net in our yard. I was never very good at it though.

What movie do you adore? Music & Lyrics. I swear that movie was made for me. Had to be. It’s too perfect in every single way. I relate to the leading lady so much that when my friends kept talking about how adorable and great she is, it made me realise I was adorable and great.

It’s about a writer who likes older men (not specified but come on, if you’ve seen it you’ll understand) who meets a struggling Britsh ex-popstar who can only write music and she can only write lyrics. And it stars Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. The soundtrack is amazing and it’s one of the few romantic comedies where I actually fully believe the couple gets to live happily ever after. They are MADE for each other. I’ve loved it for years. And now I have to rewatch it haha. Seriously, it’s great. I don't think anyone could love me and not love that movie.

Coffee or tea? TEA. TEEEEAAAAA. TEA. Tea all the way. Tea is amazing. I love it. I have like 40 different kinds right now. I drink it every day. I briefly had to choose between giving up tea and feeling faint sometimes and I chose tea. Luckily my iron levels are good again so take a fucking sip, babes. We’re drinking tea morning, noon and night. I’ve got a tea for anything. I even have teas I reserve for emotional situations. Herbal tea makes the world go around and if you are my friend and even remotely open to drinking tea I will have you drink multiple different kinds and ask you a hundred questions about them. God, I love tea. I would rather die than not have tea. Thank you to all the people who grow, package and sell tea. Thank you to all the people who have worked to make tea what it is today. I want to volunteer on a tea plantation and learn about how to grow it, harvest it and everything that needs to happen to make tea. Tea is the real love of my life to be honest. Sorry future comedy partner. Sorry to my future lovers. Tea has always been there for me and will always be there for me. If I have to die, let it be with the taste of tea on my lips.

So, yeah. Tea.

First thing you wanted to be when you grew up? When I was really young, 3 or 4 (maybe even younger?) I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to go to France and learn ballet and other traditional dances. I thought they were beautiful, motivated and talented. I wanted to be like them. But my parents would never let me go to a boarding school for dance in France much to my disappointment wah. I blame my childhood obsession of Madeline to be the reason I wanted to go to a boarding school in France to be honest. I don’t know if that had much to do with the dancing but that was 4 year old me’s vision of the future xD

I will take a dance class in France one day, though. Even if it’s only a one day class. It’s happening. It’s inevitable.

This was long so if you read all of it, thank you! And thank you again for tagging me!! 💙💗💚

I’m tagging: @how-the-mighty-fall @cry3tearslikej3t @jtgd-dylm @effulgentcorruptedpov @obv10usly @blueberry-beanie @slowlygettingouttamyhead2 @bloggish @asparagus-is-in-season and anyone else who wants to do this. I want to know more about other people’s lives and inner thoughts. (I know some people have already been tagged or will be tagged twice but oh well hahaha)

#me #tag game #tag meme #I still dont have a tag for these lol #this is an online diary

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? yes

Are you in a good mood right now? r u serious?...

Is there anyone who you think you deserve an apology from? I won’t get any

Are you talking to anyone right now? my gf online and my mom irl

Did you buy anything today? I didn’t

Were you happy when you woke up this morning? I wasn’t

When was the last time you cried really hard? today, it wasn’t the hardest tho

When did you last hug someone? Who was it? this day as well, parent

How’s life going for you? no comment

Has something someone said today annoyed you? that’s normal Can you hear the crickets chirping at night? sadly not Do you like listening to new music, or just sticking to your favorites? depends on the new song - if it’s good then I like it as much as my old favs

When was the last time you were bitten by a bug? this summer has the worst mosquitos ever Do you have a pair of sunglasses that are worth over $200? I'm not rich, mine aren’t more expensive than 25 PLN Are you brave when it comes to trying new foods? ... When was the last time you saw your significant other? weeks ago, not counting video chatting Are you ashamed of your singing voice? I’m aware I have no talent so... Have you ever had a dream where you could understand a foreign language? also animal languages and been talking to plants etc. Do you have anything important to do tomorrow? hospital Are you a fan of retro things? prefer vintage, antiques, shabby - retro is fake but at times there are some good enough pieces as well Would you be considered to be knowledgeable about World War 2? I mistake WWI for WWII and vice versa If you’re with someone right now, do you think it will last? don’t feed my paranoia Have you heard of the Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers? oooh that’s the one Do you have something to do, that you would rather not do? tomorrow Are you, in any way, feeling hopeless right now? absolutely Do you know who you’re planning to ask to your prom? I wanted to ask my current gf back in the day but my mom didn’t let me and I didn’t go because only me and K. didn’t have a date so we preffered to stay home When was the last time you went shopping? yesterday What’s the limit on how much you would pay for a shirt? 60 PLN but I cry when I pay 30 PLN, luckily I have like 3 shirts that are about 30 PLN Do you like making funny faces in pictures? better to be funny than ugly, right? Is there something you look back on and go “I can’t believe I did that”? regrets Are you good at offering advice? but not following them What was the last thing to confuse you? confused is my second name Are you a fan of Keira Knightley? she’s not that good Have you ever resorted to alcohol to make you feel better? it doesn’t make anything better Have you heard about Mel Gibson’s rant/freakout? he was such a good actor, such a shame he’s not a good person Do you wish your bedroom was bigger? I wish I had my own apartment Have you ever felt like a “new person”? I had my moments that were ruined right after Do you own any expensive jewelry? I sold the only necklace that was worth something Has there been someone in your life that just wouldn’t leave you alone? stalkers Do you hate to use public bathrooms? there are way worse things than public bathrooms, even when they’re covered in blood, poop, pee and vomit (but puke is least bearable from all four)

Are there any writing utensils close to you? I packed bunch of them

What was the last thing that shocked you? brain, remind me what was last... How many other rooms can you currently see into? hall Do you need to take the trash out? done Do you need to clean your room right now? soon Do you need to clean out a litter box right now? my cat’s gone Are these questions reminding you of things you put off to do this survey? there’s washing my head on my list for this evening - nothing more How many days have you been wearing those clothes? gimme a break!

Can you move your nose? yasss

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? sew teddy and a cat from socks for example but I’m not fond of DIY in general Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? knowledge is power

What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? what doesn’t?... Ever had a living nightmare? my life is a nightmare

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? successful or not - haters are everywhere Do you wish you could be a world traveler? travelling ain’t my hobby Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? Ełk If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? if I had money and they wanted to go and it wasn’t that far away from home and they were angels and they were old enough... Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character’s autograph? wouldn’t bother, pics are better How long does it usually take your hair to dry? so short yet dry slowly Is your Pinterest page cluttered? it’s neat Did you used to name your Barbies? of course Is your life boring? ppl say it is but for me it’s not enough boring if you know what I mean Do you usually feel better around people or alone? alone Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? tried to fix friendships but it didn’t work out Do you ever think about Heaven? yup Are you ready for Heaven yet? I will go to hell but I don’t mind dying now if it’s a quick death as I prefer to be gone that an ill burden to myself and others Are you afraid of where you’re going to go? I don’t deserve heaven, I think it would be unfair for me to go wherever, I have love-hate relationship with God Do you feel better now than you did last night? noooo Does your body have any problems with it? my body is 99,99% a problem, it’s made of problems like jigsaw puzzle game Have you taken any huge risks lately? my life is 24/7 at risk - does that count?... Silence or songs? depends Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? try to ignore them if possible What color socks do you have on? purple stripes, looks a bit like asexual flag - this realization :o Are you under a blanket right now? am not

How much was your prom dress? What’s the most you’d spend?: I wouldn’t buy anything expensive, dress from a second hand under 30 PLN Are most of your friends single or taken?: my friends were basically always single When you’re taking a survey that has a “Which of your friends is… the nicest? The prettiest? The smartest? Etc.” do you skip over it?: as I have no friends anymore to be honest What salon do you go to for getting your hair done?: I cut them on my own or ask mom for help Do you believe in luck?: I’m unlucky Would you marry someone of a different religion?: that would be hard Would you convert for them?: nope Worst part about your job?: I don’t have a job and the worst part about it is lack of money and regular UP visits Ever took something out of the lost and found that wasn’t yours?: they tempt me I took some lost/trashed stuff from the street tho Do you delete friends from Facebook if they never talk to you?: that’s me! Do you know anyone who smokes cigars?: my uncle did Ugliest fashion trend at the moment?: according to this - shorts suit, cut outs, sheer/transparent, raffia not a fan of most of vests blue isn’t my fav color but it’s a seasonal thing but shirts shouldn’t be such a huge part of summer in my opinion Do you like glittery nail polishes?: why not

Are you wearing a pink shirt? it’s white with black letters

If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? hospital I believe

Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? don’t even let me begin this subject...

What makes your room unique? trinkets

Does your past bother you? consequences of it

Do you take risks or play it safe? play it safe and yet...

Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? more than one person, more than one reason

Do you live in the USA? Poland

Who do you want to meet in Heaven? from those who already died? my brother

Is it raining? slightly

Is your life stressful and exhausting? to me it is too stressful and exhausting

What is your favorite time of the day? when I sleep, if I sleep that is

Have you ever known anyone that’s gone missing? nope Do you put your foundation on with a sponge or your hand? I don’t use foundation, yuk Do you have to pee often? ppl told me that I pee often Do you live near a pet store? they closed pet store in my town

Who was the last person other than family to tell you that they love you? my gf How many people have you kissed in the last month? 1 Do you know anyone who writes really well? my gf writes well Does it bug you when people spell color “colour”? not spell but write, it sounds good in British accent but looks horrible on paper

What is the best fanfic you have ever read (lmao) only fanfic I remember reading was that one E.W. and K.K. sent me about Draco and Harry (yaoi)

If you could direct your own TV show/movie, what would it be like? it would be based on my book

One thing you’ve always wished you could do / be good at? be healthy

Post a picture of the weirdest/funniest text conversation you’ve ever had! can’t choose only one, also, sadly, I don’t have screenies of some of them

Is there a stranger you would like to meet again? for example - I’d like to see all those ppl that I thought have amazing fashion sense and ask them if I can take photos then I would make a blog about it

Does your school take sports too seriously? all schools do, that’s unfair What does the sound you currently hear remind you of? it’s quiet

Did you eat out anywhere today? nah Where is your purse? my purses are in various places around my room

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bluerosesburnblue · 5 years

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This very nearly became a Kingdom Key Only run because I like challenge runs like that but honestly I never felt like sticking to the Kingdom Key was ever really a hindrance

...so let’s talk about that ending, from the start of the Keyblade Graveyard to the credits, yeah?

I cannot BELIEVE that Nomura gave us the Beach Party Ending we were all hoping for just to rip Sora away at the last second. Good GOD, man, who spit in your coffee?

So I guess we should get the elephant in the room out of the way, first. I’m actually not... that upset by the ending? Like, yes, I find it extremely ironic that the game that made me love Sora more than any other character in the game would essentially kill him off, but... okay, when Nomura said that the ending would be “hard to swallow” I had two worst case scenarios in mind. And I mean “worst case” in the “Nonononono he’d better not do that if he does I’m done” way

Scenario 1: Xehanort unlocks Kingdom Hearts. Either he’s stopped or he succeeds, but either way the damage is done and he’s too far along to stop and the universe is reset. All of the heroes are alright, they survive the ending, but the world of the game is changed irreversibly, forever. It’s all one World again, the Disney worlds are gone, or they’re there but they’ve been forced together in a weird jigsaw-puzzle way. The details don’t really matter, I just didn’t want a status-quo shakeup like that that gets passed off as a happy/bittersweet ending because the heroes survived

Scenario 2: Xehanort unlocks Kingdom Hearts. Either he’s defeated but whatever he started can’t be stopped, or Kingdom Hearts is the only thing that can defeat him. Either way, Sora has to use the power of Kingdom Hearts. He keeps the world exactly as it was, but has to give up his own physical existence to do so. After all, he who opens the door will become a god in the next world. Maybe he persists as a “force” that watches over his friends, but Sora is gone for good

What we ended up getting was... very similar to that second scenario, but it differs just enough to save it for me. At the very least, knowing that Sora and Kairi are connected and that Sora’s in Shibuya in the Secret Movie gives me enough hope that he can and will come back. Which, when compared to what I was afraid we were gonna get, leaves me weirdly optimistic. I still cried a lot (NOMURA I AM TAKING CUSTODY OF YOUR SON THAT’S MY SWEET BABY BROTHER NOW FIGHT ME) but I’m nowhere near as emotionally devastated as I could’ve been

And here’s the big thing, I liked most of the scenes in the Final Battle sequence. As scenes they were (mostly) fine. The reunions were heartwrenching (even if Sora is just kind of... there for most of them), the KHUx stuff was incredible (Ephemeeeeeer <3<3<3), the locales and concepts were all interesting. My problem was actually the order events happen in

So, first off, everyone dies way too fast. WAY too fast. It’s one of the two scenes I have a problem with. Everyone arrives at the Graveyard and fights a swarm of Heartless. They walk down a crevice and see Terra. A surprising amount of people get knocked out or injured trying to take care of just Terra-Xehanort? Then another big wave of Heartless shows up and everyone just... dies? Like, the second big scene in what is a very long finale and everyone dies? Hell, Aqua just gives up!

They also blew the KHUx Union X attack WAY too early. A set piece like that (it’s SUCH A GOOD CONCEPT AND THE SCENE WAS BEAUTIFUL) and you waste it on a big cloud of Heartless at the start of the final battle? Guys... guys that’s some last minute “all hope is lost, so here’s unexpected help” stuff, you shouldn’t just have that happen that soon

And the thing is... both of those scenes would be so much more impactful if they had happened later in the finale. Ideally, picture this:

The team takes care of the first swarm of Heartless. (You could have moments in that fight where you get a different guest Keyblade wielder, one at a time, in a callback to the KH2 Battle of 1000 Heartless with the FF characters). They’re feeling pretty good about it. They just all worked as a team for the first time together and they did alright. Maybe a little shaky. After all, most of them don’t really know each other that well. They can’t know each other’s styles or predict each others’ moves. Their teamwork is shaky, but they managed and that gives them some confidence. Maybe they can do this if they work together

Then Xehanort shows up. We can’t be having any of this “friendship” and “teamwork” nonsense. He throws up the labyrinth to try and separate everybody and pair off the Darknesses each to 1-2 Lights so that they clash, but the Darknesses are at a clear advantage. Unlike in the actual game, the labyrinth is crawling with Heartless to break up the tedium of the boss rush a bit. (I liked the idea of having to choose who to rescue first in the actual game, but it didn’t actually effect anything except which order you took the fights in.) While running through the Labyrinth you encounter different friends in different sections to help you fight off Heartless, and their boss fight is at the end of their section. That would give everyone just a bit more time to bond with each other. Maybe put in a few puzzles or something that make use of them creatively, like Ven and Aqua using wind and barriers to traverse their section of the Labyrinth. Just... everyone needs more time together. Some things about the fights and reunions would need to be changed, though. I wouldn’t be adverse to changing it up just slightly so that Lingering Will shows up as a guest for the Terranort + Vanitas fight, and it takes both Lingering Will and The Guardian to wrest Terra’s body back (instead of having Lingering Will only show up for Attempt 2 of the Terranort and Heartless Tornado Kill Everyone scene and then fuck off somewhere? Never seen again?) The Saix and Xion fight is also changed up. Roxas doesn’t just... appear from nowhere, and while this seems to be Xion... something’s off. It’s not really Xion, just a puppet made to look like her using data from the finale of 358/2 Days that had, miraculously, survived. This Xion is like the second Replica Riku (and can I just say thank GOD it’s not the “Riku from the past when he was controlled by Ansem” like they thought for the longest time because that was SILLY. Though I’m slightly disappointed that it wasn’t Data-Riku’s digital heart shoved into a Replica body like I’d theorized based on the trailers). This Replica gets purged, too, leaving two Replica bodies conveniently wearing Organization coats behind at the Keyblade Graveyard. We’ll get back to that

(Also, and this is just me, but I actually like how unrepentant Vanitas is. I think a lot of people forget that his sympathetic traits and background of abuse were novel-only things and the novel canon isn’t game canon in the same way that the Harry Potter movies aren’t book canon. Game!Vanitas has never been anything other than a completely unrepentant jackass, and Sora and Ven still gave him a chance to redeem himself. He just refused to take it, and I like that. It’s refreshing to have a character in KH not even try to justify their evil. He’s evil because he wants to be. It’s as simple as that.)

So, anyway, we have the labyrinth stuff. The team is worn down. NOW is where you place everyone dying. I don’t care if you keep it the same, or the Heartless Tornado is controlled by Ansem, or even just Ansem, Xemnas, and Young Nort pick everyone off because they’re all the same person, so of course their teamwork is stronger. You all weren’t good enough friends. You couldn’t have won, because none of you had fought together before, so your friendship was a detriment as you stumbled over each other and just assumed you’d be okay. Sora is left alone. And then he’s gone, too.

And here’s where you place the Final World. I think there was a big opportunity missed here. We get Namine separated from Kairi here. So here’s what I propose: remember all the talk throughout the game about the hearts within Sora’s melding with his, but they might be able to be saved if their memories and the parts of themselves were placed in the right boxes? Fffffffuckingggg... HAVE NAMINE AS A GUEST HERE and have it be just as much about putting Sora back together as it is separating the pieces of Roxas and Xion from him. Once you meet up with Namine’s star (or just have her have a physical form, too, since she’d be tethered to Kairi, too?) she helps out because now that Sora’s in pieces, it’s just a simple matter of sorting those pieces. Putting the scattered links in the chains of memories in different chains, back where they belong. Two hearts are released, now to find everyone else’s. Chirithy is still there, just give Nami some more time

(Also, add a colored tint to the stars or something that goes away after talking to them they were so hard to see)

Anyway. Dives. Lich. I don’t hate this section, I just think the Lich fights could’ve been a little more interesting? Also uhh... maybe have the characters hearts be found in worlds that actually, like... mean something to the character thematically? I guess Aqua in the Caribbean makes sense because water but it would make more sense to have her in Arendelle because ice is also water and she’s basically Ven’s big sis and there are quite a few parallels between the two relationships? The hell does Axel have to do with San Fransokyo? And since Terra would theoretically be there in the rewrite, we’ll need an extra world so place Axel in Twilight Town. Then I dunno. Donald in the Caribbean because he’s canonically a sailor. Ven in Corona because his isolation by Eraqus has parallels to Rapunzel only a bit less evil in intent. Terra in Olympus because that was the world he learned he could be a true hero and beat the darkness. Goofy in Monstropolis because out of all the characters he’s the funniest and they use laugh energy. Mickey in Toy Box because he’s the face of a major franchise and has so many toys based off of him you have no idea. That would place Riku in San Fransokyo where his Norted Replica counterpart was and also poetically make him and Kairi the last ones saved

SO EVERYONE’S ALIVE. We return to the land of the living. There’s no weird... like, time repeats or anything. The last four Norts are... kind of shocked! But also laughing it up because Sora just abused the Power of Waking to hell and back and they know what that means. Also, the lights are still at exactly the same disadvantage they were before they got revived. Or so they think until two bright lights emerge from the labyrinth behind them. That’s right, Roxas and Xion are here, having had their hearts freed from Sora’s in The Final World and taking the abandoned Replica bodies from the Labyrinth. Now we have the Sea-Salt reunion, sans the stuff with Isa because why the hell should Roxas and Xion just be sympathetic to Saix? Save that for a scene in the finale. Doesn’t even have to be spoken, just make it seem like Saix, Roxas, and Xion are trying to come to an understanding but still awkward around each other

After that I’m a little shakier, admittedly. I know you leave Ephemer’s appearance to summon the ancient Keyblades until the very end. I’d also have given him some line like “You remind me of an old friend” or something. Just... slight reference to Player

I have no idea how to work around the Kairi getting killed stuff and still get the ending Nomura wants! That’s the second scene I have a problem with. Sora doesn’t “need” motivation, he’s already prepped to bash the old man’s face in. I dunno... maybe opening Kingdom Hearts messes up Kairi’s light or something and that’s why she disappears? I dunno, there were better ways to do that if you HAD to kill Kairi, and better scenes if you didn’t, tbh

So in summary, I like the pieces of the ending, just not how they were put together. There was a lot of cool stuff in theory, it just wasn’t executed as well as it could’ve been for a more satisfying and emotional finale. The ending’s fine, and I honestly expected it to be a bit rushed considering how much they had to wrap up in this game, but I think it was a low point in what was otherwise a really fun and enjoyable finale to the story arc

I mean... I think that’s all I have to say about the ending, so here’s some assorted thoughts:

I think it was a missed opportunity to not have a Max Goof cameo at the end when the Disney trio is reunited with their loved ones and Goofy just stands there with Jiminy. Max wouldn’t even have been voiced. Just let him show up

I’m torn as to characters’ outfits in the Final Battle. On the one hand, I like how in the end all of the trios are wearing outfits that match the other members of their respective trios. On the other hand, I would’ve killed for EVERYONE to have had a new outfit with the black and plaid/gingham theme to show that they’re not just disjointed trios that happened to come together, but a big group of companions. Everyone is a Team, it’s not just a Team made of Everyone. They made excuses for Mickey’s shirt and Lingering Will’s cape. They could totally have done some “oh weird I guess getting brought back from the dead changed our clothes isn’t that convenient” thing

Why did they “break” Lea’s Keyblade only to have it be just fine when they needed to lock Kingdom Hearts? Why was that there?

I heard someone once say that KH3 was an “obligation.” And I can see where they’re coming from. While I loved the game overall and can feel the work and love put into it, between the sheer amount of sequel hooks and the rushed resolution, it does feel like Nomura just wanted to move on to the stuff he’d thought of in KHUx but had to wrap up the ongoing arc first. I’ve been spoiled on SOME of the Secret Reports, not all of them, but the Subject X stuff and Luxu’s true role with the box could’ve easily been put elsewhere. Maybe in a game in the next arc. That would’ve freed up some time in this game for a few more things, like giving Dark Aqua more screentime (she’s defeated in the same scene she’s introduced? Really?) and just in general spread the original plot stuff out more. As it is now, I feel the sequel hooks just distract from the current plot arc

I appreciate that they tried to give reasons for the Organization members to be in different worlds, but I don’t think it was executed that well. Yeah, we get explanations, like in some they’re performing more experiments on the heart and in others they’re searching for the New Lights, but they never do anything with what they accomplish in them. I was so sure they were going to do something with Data-Sora or Data-Riku because of the “digital heart” stuff in San Fransokyo, and NOTHING came of it. Here’s an idea: Data-Sora in Xion’s place among the Norts and Data-Riku in the Riku Replica’s place. Have Data-Sora look like Xion or act like her before the reveal. I dunno, just do SOMETHING with them. Have the Norts reference the Lights they found in the final battle or something. Just don’t drop them once the world is done

That being said, the worlds themselves were amazing, I really liked the original plots in Toy Box, Monstropolis, and San Fransokyo. The character interactions in Corona and Arendelle were delightful. I also loved the design for the Ice Labyrinth in Arendelle and Galaxy Toys in Toy Box. Would’ve loved to have seen more of the town in Corona but loved what we did get to see of it. The Caribbean was... alright, but did contain my favorite party member: a shambling pile of crabs that were gifted sapience by an ocean goddess so that Sora could free her, only for her to get freed by someone else offscreen

Funny enough I actually didn’t care much for The Caribbean and San Fransokyo, but for opposite reasons. The Caribbean was FAR too open for its own good (I am NOT an open-world person and bad at navigating, so the ship, while interesting in concept, was a nightmare) and San Fransokyo was too scripted (I felt like I was locked in Hiro’s garage). I didn’t hate them, but I also 100% completed every other world and decided that with those two, it just wasn’t worth doing before beating the game. I didn’t hate either of them, and my feelings may change when I go back for treasures and lucky emblems

I absolutely killed Davy Jones with the Pirate Ship attraction. Pass up the opportunity to summon a neon pirate ship on top of a hyper-realistic pirate ship during a climactic battle? Who do you think I am?

I love how Ephemer’s name in the journal is just “???” because that’s an accurate representation of Sora’s reaction. “Who is this guy? Why is he here? Huh???” But I know. I know who the best dandelion boy is. So typical of him to swoop in at the last minute to save you and then disappear to who knows where

I ADORE that the final battle is Sora, Donald, and Goofy together and that the final attack is Trinity Limit. Sora coming back on his own from no health just for Trinity Limit was AWESOME and such a perfect end to the series, gameplay-wise

And finally, I am a little sad that the one theory I had throughout the game was wrong. I’d thought that, since Young Xehanort and Eraqus are always shown in in Scala ad Caelum, that it wasn’t a flashback but simply their spirits playing a metaphorical chess game in the afterlife. Their dialogue after the final battle seems to indicate that that isn’t the case

Also, and this is just for me, but my final death count was 5

Once to the Tornado Titan due to having a poor grasp of Airstepping and NO grasp of Rage Form, killed myself thanks to spamming Riskcharge

TWICE to the electric arena trap in Verum Rex because I am SO BAD at shooters and ejected myself directly into the Death Pit twice

Once during the ship battle portion of the Zombie Kraken fight

Once during the Union X Keyblade summoning because I was too busy reading the list of names to notice the text on the screen that said “HEY IDIOT DODGE ATTACKS DON’T JUST SIT THERE WHAT ARE YOU DOING”

But for now, I think I’m out of stuff to say about KH3. I’m sure I’ll find more once I’ve processed everything, but for now...

now we’ve just got to wait for Sora to come home

#liz's shenanigans #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts 3 #kh3 #kingdom hearts 3 spoilers #kh3 spoilers #kingdom hearts iii spoilers #khiii spoilers #i should mention that this isn't ONLY final battle stuff #i threw some opinions from other parts of the game in there #it's just primarily about the finale

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doomedandstoned · 5 years

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I’ll Take a Sling of Singapore Sludge, Thank You

Axis Mundi is the name. Learn it well.

It wasn't two months ago that I stumbled upon 'The Depths' (2019), debut EP by sludge metal trio AXIS MUNDI. I'm aware of merely a handful of heavy bands from the Republic of Singapore (which is totally my fault, I'm sure), but it wasn't just the novelty of relative obscurity that gave the band its allure. When I listened to The Depths, it was its hard-biting heaviness, gritty realism, and (I confess) the courage to cover Nirvana that ultimately endeared me to vocalist Sathish Kumar, guitarist Vinod Dass, and drummer Mitch Goon. Following is my exchange with Vinod about the band's origins, the meaning behind their name, and what it's like to be oh so sludge in Singapore.

☿

I have to say, we haven't encountered too many sludge or death-doom bands in Singapore, but it's encouraging to see more and more with each passing year. Tell us, if you please, how Axis Mundi got its start and introduce us to the members of the band.

The idea to form this band came to me in early 2018 after coming back to home soil after staying abroad for about two years. I got my first exposure to the sludge and stoner doom in Melbourne Australia by getting my face completely melted off by Dixie and gang from Weedeater, it was one of the first gigs I attended in Melbourne and it really resonated with me as it was something completely fresh and different from the mainly thrash and death scene metal -- the whole lineup for this band all played and still play in death metal bands back home. (laughs) And seeing then drummer Travis Owens bouncing sticks off the floor while destroying the drums was a life changing experience no doubt.

I had some things to express and found myself naturally starting to write in the direction of sludge and doom and decided it was time to get some partners in crime, so I got in touch with Mitch for drums, since we played together in a previous band for close to a decade and I knew his hard hitting style would suit the sound I was going for.

I then hit up Sathish, who was the vocalist of his band I was sessioning bass for. I loved his low growls and aggression and thought it was a perfect fit for what I wanted. We formed around march of 2018, so it is a very fresh band although its members have been (and still are) close friends for more than a decade.

What is the significance of the name Axis Mundi?

The term Axis Mundi hit me after getting into the study of symbols and their significance to the human mind. I had always found them interesting and the deeper I read into them the symbol of the World Tree kept reappearing in art and media I resonated with, especially during the writing phase of this EP, so I let things take their course. Its basic idea is the center of the universe, the connection of higher and lower, heaven and earth, Consciousness and the Unconscious.

What are some distinctives of your style? Asked another way, how would you describe your sound to someone who has never heard you before?

What resulted from the three of us coming together was a blend of the sludge and doom riffs together with a faster tempo coupled with brutal vocals. I was listening to a lot of High on Fire, Monolord and Nails, my drummer was listening to Dyscarnate and Aborted and my vocalist was pushing Full of Hell and Comeback Kid. So ideas were pulled from all these sources!

You have a new EP! Walk us through it, please, track by track (sharing any background about each song's composition and recording, lyrical and thematic tie-ins, and any anecdotes that come to mind related to each).

Track 1 – The Depths

The Depths EP by Axis Mundi

The basic idea behind this track was it was going to be a noise track introducing the album and was meant to put the idea of being “down in the depths” to the listener, which was kind of how I was feeling as I wrote this record, so I though this was a good place to begin. I took this chance to give some Bladerunner 2049 worship. That movie was a goddamn religious experience sonically and visually.

Track 2 – Summoning the Serpent

The Depths EP by Axis Mundi

This song was the first song to be completed in terms of writing for the EP. It was one of the cases where I had a couple of riffs and had no idea how to bring them together or even if they were going to be part of the same song, but the moment the band came together, everything fit together like a jigsaw puzzle out of the blue, that kind of creative spark is the shit I live for. The basic idea for the song is the looking inside of oneself to come face to face with your fears and your flaws, to summon them up like a serpent and face them.

Track 3 – Revelations

The Depths EP by Axis Mundi

The opening riff of this song is the riff which gave birth to the band, it was one of the first riffs written, but it was also one of the last songs to be completed as we were writing for an album. The writing process for this song was really one of patience, I would try some ideas out with the band, they wouldn’t work and we would be back at the drawing board, but I remember I had to keep reminding myself not to rush things and cram some jackass riff in there just to finish the song. It had to feel right.

The driving force of this song was one of searching -- searching for clarity, for vision, for meaning. It ties in with Track 2 as Summoning the Serpent is like an admission of wrongdoing and Revelations is like a search for a new path.

Track 4 – Territorial Pissings

The Depths EP by Axis Mundi

I am a super huge Nirvana fan and I knew I wanted to cover one of their songs for this release. I also wanted to do it our way and put our own twist to it as I love it when bands do that. This was another song that came out the way it was in like 10 minutes, and now that I’m thinking about it, the chorus of this song actually ties in with Revelations. (laughs) Life is strange.

Who is responsible for the album art and what does it signify?

The album art work is done by Faris Samri, a killer drummer I used to play with in a black metal band! I happened upon some of his designs and thought he could take my rough demo for the album art to the next level. I came into contact with the Adinkra symbol "Hye Won Hye" which basically means "that which cannot be burnt," a West African symbol of endurance, which I thought was perfect for the EP. I then decided to recreate the symbol with the goat skull and Christ on the cross, which is the voluntary acceptance of suffering, symbolically speaking. The skull and cross was mirrored downward, creating the symbol of Hye Won Hye, as well as signifying the duality within a person, light and dark, love and hate and the struggle to balance them. Faris took it to the next level with the addition of flames to the lower half. Here is his take on it:

“The artwork was meant to resemble an Adinkran symbol of endurance. Reading more into its origins, it is said that the symbol got its meaning from traditional priests who were capable of walking on fire without being burnt. This made me inclined to include the element of fire from its history into my illustration.

I began by drawing the first goat skull, engulfing it in flames, scorching some of its original skeletal features. Before I began on the second skull, I realised I was not fond of the idea of having two identical burning goat skulls, as I could have easily duplicated the one i had just drawn and inverted it to complete the illustration. Referring back to the bed of fire the priests had to walk on, I decided to illustrate flames in the shape of the goat skull instead of the actual skull. These newly drawn flames will enter through the first goat skull, which exhibits the skull’s imperishability in such circumstances.

The next step was to colour the piece, which I did on Photoshop as I wanted to experiment with a selection of palettes I had come up with. The colours chosen mostly had a gore or horror vibe about them, referencing older metal album artworks from bands like Slipknot or Mastodon, to Horror film posters such as It or Blair Witch Project.”

What are some of the bands you play with in Singapore and, more specifically, how is the doom-sludge scene in your country?

Mitch and I played in a death metal outfit called Zaganoth, which was our first serious band and Sathish used to head another death metal band called Stillborn and both bands used to play shows with each other in the past!

Now besides playing in this band I play guitars for Truth Be Known a death/funcore veteran band that is heading down south to Australia for the Dead of Winter Festival! I also play in a band called Mucus Mortuary which is a -- well, I don’t have words to describe this band you have to see it for yourself. (laughs)

The sludge and doom scene in Singapore is pretty small even within the heavy music scene here (might be the insane laws against drugs but who knows eh?) however the bands that are currently holding up the banner are killer, check out Marijannah, Hrvst and Beelzebud!

Thank you so much for visiting with Doomed & Stoned! We wish you much success now and in the future.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to some music coming out of a dot in the world map! I am humbled and grateful for this opportunity and may The Doomed and Stoned Show last for many seasons to come!

God Luck and Good Speed.

The Great Axis Mundi Giveaway!

Come one, come all! Get your own copy of 'The Depths' (2019) by Axis Mundi by grabbing one of the available download codes below. Hurry, these will go quickly! Redeem them here.

ln2g-7clq 4amy-5h5t e78z-752b gwnn-vuwx 3sav-kphp dq78-6np2 pgw2-ym7c 6vhe-jb8y kfeb-ycuf ka7l-bxam n654-xv3g my7j-58du 9tmr-b24p 3u8a-wlj2 55zb-he8c b8t5-5bbx dnn9-7wlq s5az-5x5t j7nh-ufze 7lwp-eqku vsj8-3tgq fjb3-c7fz mbxw-xej6 9acq-j38y yfjf-ywuf y5bx-34am 38as-hq3g azfp-5tdu 8yab-bb4p xjfg-k7e2 j9dn-gvfc 724m-ukex lxp7-v9np 4e6d-g8vn qr3s-unze blxe-emku 5ceg-3ggq rj7n-cufz afwl-x5j6 8ahj-vr8y xun8-7sxq hmat-5lat jr9y-7a3b 9x23-v7dx ncmm-654p lpr9-kue2 e9lu-yqfc b3ca-79ex dxjr-vznp sqgw-gtvn pruc-u7ze vkbq-egwu 6yvf-33hp u2gv-w4q2 mvtr-hpgc fgza-52rx l22g-7dxq cmmy-5hat eb8z-7e3b 8xnn-vudx 24av-kp4p dp78-6fe2 v7wd-xaq6 65he-j2gy kreb-ycnf zm7l-bh5m ng54-xv2g 5k7j-eywu gzmr-brhp 338a-wlq2 avzb-hagc r9t5-5brx d2n9-7cxq hj8l-yymn jbnh-7uke 7dwp-eqzu m4j8-3t8q feb3-cn7z 57xw-xeq6 gmcq-jbgy yrjf-ywnf tvbx-bx5m 29as-hq2g atfp-58wu uha5-6ahp xefg-k7p2 j8dn-gj7c fn4m-ukpx lwp7-jkup cj6d-g8mn ef3s-ufke bdxe-emzu aheg-3g8q re7n-c77z arwl-x5q6 79kv-e3bx x3n8-7slq haat-545t qf9y-7a2b

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benbarnesescape · 7 years

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Focus

Billy Russo Prompt Challenge – for @ boypansies

Prompt #54 - “I don’t want to get up….I’m so warm beside you.”

Prompt #62 - “Fuck it – do you wanna get married.”

Warnings: Mentions of sex, language and so much fluff your heart will melt. I hope lol..

A/N – Okay, I know the angst has been real. So real. So this is a fun, fluffy, cute story to make up for it. No left turn sad ending – promise! Also this is a Billy AU where he doesn’t want to kill his best friend. I know I’m detracting but it’s the only way I can validate happy endings for him because I know his true nature as Jigsaw!

If you were in a horror movie, you would probably be one of the first girls – people – to die. Not because you were the slut, or the one person of color (why were serial killers, ghosts and zombies so racist?) or the nerdy, quirky friend where death was inevitable even if you were a good friend (R.I.P. Barb). It was because you had the worse sense of awareness.

Billy teased you about it all the time. A former marine, Billy had the cat like senses of a panther. Knew when someone was going to walk through a door before they knew they were going to walk through a door.

“You just have to pay better attention.” He had teased you a few months back, when you had jumped halfway out of your skin when one of his employees had walked in on the two of you making out in his large office. He had found it amusing and you had found it humiliating and terrifying. The employee had left, his face flushed red. And why wouldn’t he. You were basically half naked as Billy kneaded your breast through your bra.

You swore you would never be able to return as the man left, all but slamming the door behind him.

“You knew they were coming down the hall!?” You had squeaked out as he nipped at your neck, chuckling in the tight crevice,

“Figured I’d show you off since no one believed that I was committed to you.”

“I hate you.” You had mumbled, but it didn’t stop you from going back to your make out session. Or for stopping by Anvil since then. You were really bad at keeping your promises when it came to Billy Russo.

You had tried working on it. You really had. But you had all the focus of a five-year-old in preschool. Once your attention was on something, you couldn’t be bothered with everything else around you. Instead you dedicated every sense in your body to that one thing.

This evening, it had been in the form of a book. Literature and movies typically were your primary distractions, followed by food, music and coffee. Sex of course trumped all of those things. In fact, if you could make out a list of distractions it would read as the following:

1. Sex

2. Literature

3. Sex

4. Movies

5. Sex

6. Food

7. Sex

8. Music

9. Sex

10. Coffee

11. Sex

12. Sex

13. Family/Friends

14. Sex

15. Sex

16. Sex……..

You basically had the mind and sex drive of a 13 year old boy.

Another quality Billy found amusing and adorable. Mainly because with his handsome features and charming personality, he could get you to focus on him no matter the situation. He was needy. He would never admit that he was – would never own it. But he was insecure in his need for others to accept and love him. You made it easy for him to get both of those feelings validated. Even if you didn’t want to really commit to a relationship, or further it. Even if you had been dating him technically for two years. Even if he had convinced you to move in with him two months back. Even if he had made it very clear that he wanted to commit to you.

You wouldn’t have it. Billy Russo was too goddamn beautiful. And intelligent. And smart. And passionate. And driven. Minus all the emotional scars, he was basically a perfect man. You hadn’t really been insecure about who you were and how you fit in the world until you had started dating him. That unnerved you. Kinda pissed you off because you weren’t that insecure. Sure, there were things you’d wanted fix but overall you considered yourself an 8/10. But next to Billy…. next to Billy you felt like a D rated movie that went straight to DVD. Not even good enough for the dollar theaters. So until you could move past these feelings, you tried your best to distance yourself. Which Billy made particularly difficult because he had made it more than clear that he was committed to you and only.

But you were getting beside the point.

It was a typical work day evening. You had gone to gym, made dinner and forced yourself to read a book instead of binge watch something online. You were in your bedroom, sitting on your shared bed as your body pressed against your headboard, legs propped up so you could lay your book on your thighs, reading your book. A hot cup of tea with maybe three splashes of whiskey nestled warming in your hands as your eyes hurriedly ran over the pages. It was your favorite kind of book. Fantasy, check. Murder and mystery, check. Sex in all the way kitschy books can write sex, double check. It was getting steamy and terrifying all at once and you were so deep in, you didn’t hear him come in. Couldn’t hear the way he lazily dragged his feet, dropping off his duffel bag before pouring himself a cup of water. Had probably already planned his surprise attack knowing you were distracted in something.

Nope – you were too focused on Artegenian and Larea finally discovering their 300 page worth of tense romantic feelings for each other, his strong member pressing against her softness, drawing a soft sigh out of her lips as his mouth grazed slowly down her collarbone……..

“What you reading!?” Billy’s masculine voice cuts through the soft sounds of your Spotify playlist and you jump so high your drink splashes on your knees, causing you to curse under your breath.

And this is why you would die. Because you should face your intruder but instead your too focused on the hot water and whiskey burning your thigh, starting to cool as you place the mug on your bedside table. You check the bag to make sure no water got on your comforter before you realized you lost your page on your book, and this leads you down another rabbit hole of thought.

You’ve managed to effectively forget the person who got you in this situation in the first place and he chuckles, redirecting your attention again before saying,

“Babe, you gotta focus on more than one thing. We talked about you paying attention to your surroundings. Guess its something I’ll have to help you work on…”

You turn, taking in the way he looks in his black outfit, his black tshrit threatening to rip around his strong biceps and nothing matters. Your run toward him, jumping up easily in his embrace and he laughs as he holds you before its smothered by your lips.

God you missed him.

He doesn’t pull away but instead deepens the kiss, guiding you back to your bed where you both fall down, his large weight bearing into your own but you don’t care. He’s been gone a month for work, back to the sandbox as he liked to refer to it, and you had been a mess. A mess because you missed his smile, the way he constantly called and texted you to make sure you were ok. Missed the way you could snuggle against him while you binged a show on Netflix or Hulu, or the way girls would give him a second look as you both walked down the street. Missed the way his lips felt on your body and having his name whispered on your lips.

You loved him so much you weren’t even sure why you were fighting him on this relationship thing. When he pulls away far enough to look at you, those dark ebony eyes drinking you in, you’re reminded. Again. Billy Russo was way too damn good looking for you. He’d disagree but you knew your strengths. You were cute, pretty. You could get a guy to buy you a drink or two if you flirted enough. Been told by many how attractive you are. But you weren’t on Billy Russo attractive level. That was that super model, Hollywood actor, I’ll let you in because you’re so damn fine level. Billy always denied it but he didn’t see how women literally fanned themselves when he walked by.

You did. You really needed to carve out time with a therapist to move past these feelings. It was unhealthy for you and for him.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, placing soft kisses on your eyes. Your nose. Your cheeks. Your lips. You giggle out,

“Nothing.” Trying to drive him back in but he knows your lying as he starts to poke your side. More laughter ensues as his hands began their assault of tickling, shaking his head as he says,

“You’re the worse liar, you know that?”

You try to push him away, anything to save you but he’s stronger than you. More skilled, he pins you down easily with one hand as he assaults you with his free one and it’s only a few minutes more before you’re screaming for freedom. He complies, satisfied as he allows his weight to fall on you and you start raking your hands through his thick hair, caressing down his hard back.

“Was thinking how the hell I did something worth deserving you.”

He pulls back a bit, watches you carefully before saying,

“You mean, what did I do to find someone like you.”

He was good at this, twisting words in his favor but you weren’t having it. You roll your eyes before mumbling,

“Okay Billy…” and he presses his lips onto yours instantly, teasing your mouth open.

If kissing was a game at the Olympic games, Billy would always win gold. He knew how to go from being demanding and passionate to soft and romantic, exactly what he was doing now as his tongue expertly tangled with your own, giving every bit of your mouth the attention it needed from him. When he pulls away lazily, biting your bottom lip, he whispers,

“I know you don’t think you measure up to me or whatever but you’re my world. I honestly wouldn’t be as close of a good man if I didn’t have you in it. I love you.”

You can’t help the smile that automatically twitches on your face as he rests his head on your shoulder, placing a soft kiss on your exposed skin and you murmur back “I love you too” because despite all the other stuff that you got hung up on, you felt how much love you both had for each other. Filled up a room whenever you were together. And perhaps that was what scared you the most. You had never felt this way before.

You don’t live in it for too long though. When you feel his breathing start to steady that you know you must push him off, his dead weight starting to cause your leg to go numb. You nudge him, asking him gently to get off of you but he won’t have it. He’s too comfortable on top of you, holding you closer to him and protests loudly against moving.

“Billy….” You whine and he moans, hiding his face deeper in your neck.

“I don’t want to get up….I’m so warm beside you.”

You roll your eyes, trying to wiggle from his embrace but the new movement has re-sparked his energy and his arms pin beside you, keeping you in place and you whine against his ear,

“You’re too heavy! I can’t breathe! And you’re hot!”

You’re being dramatic – sure. But he was a walking furnace and you were already warm wearing his Henley and despite your exposed legs you felt like you were on fire.

Billy was too amused however, missing the way you sounded, missing how your body felt against his and he laughs, kissing at your neck until you give in, wrapping your arms around his neck as he moves his face to kiss you again. Desperate. Hungry. His hips shimmy against you, his erection pressing into your center and you moan, your leg wrapping around his stiff pants easily.

He never played by the rules.

When he’s got you to the point where you’re equally desperate, your body shimmying against his own, your hands clawing to pull off his shirt he stops you. Looks down at you with serious eyes and gives a shaky sigh. You stop, taking in the way his heart has increased and you cup his face, knowing something has shifted.

Perhaps he was trying to figure out how to break up with you. It all hits you too quickly – becomes too real. Of course that was what was happening. You had efficiently freaked him out enough and now he didn’t want anything to do with you. Or maybe he was trying to express himself. That was also the more realistic possibility.

As much as you hated voicing out your insecurities, you knew it was important in a relationship. And you could honestly have a conversation with yourself when it was getting out of hand. Billy, on the other hand, was horrible at expressing himself if the language wasn’t sarcasm or affection. And even affection had been a tough one to tackle down.

You place a hand on his chest, over his heart as you whisper,

“Billy, calm down. Its ok. Take your time. You know I won’t judge you no matter what you say.”

He looks down at you, bites his lip before shaking his head.

“Fuck it – do you wanna get married?”

You blink up at him, your brain trying to process his words. Your silence freaks Billy out though as he leans off you, standing and digging through his pockets.

“I fucked it up,” he mumbles once he finds what he’s looking for, pulling out the velvet black box. He gets down on one knee, his hands trembling as you sit up in bed, falling back on your knees as Billy gives out a heavy sigh.

“I asked Curtis how I should ask you and he said, just do it naturally, you know, like how’d I ask you how the day is going or what you wanted to do. Then I asked Frank and he said to ask it like I would give you a compliment and…. aww fuck it I don’t know how to say this because I know. I know you aren’t looking for something serious, that you’re afraid because for some reason I cannot get out of your skull, you don’t think you’re good enough for me. Or beautiful enough or smart enough and….you’re a space engineer – of course you’re smart and beautiful and….” He’s rambling and you feel something swell in your heart. For all the time that you had known Billy, from the moment he had walked over to you during your friends company party, he had never been tongue tied or flustered. He was confident and sure of himself.

You had bought out this new side of him. You had brought out the insecure boy you knew he tried to hide from you and the world. And he was this way because he loved you.

“What I’m trying to say is…you know, ever since the day I saw you at that holiday party…god, you were different. Made me feel different. And you have always made me work for it, pushed me and challenged me. Made me realize how I could be a better person. And I hope I can be that for you and….goddammit I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. Love you so damn much Y/N. Want to see your belly grow with my babies one day. Want to grow old with you and all that romantic shit…fuck, I shouldn’t be cursing so much in a proposal.”

He looks up at you then, his face flushed red trying to find some relief. It’s found in you as you bob your head up and down, trying to contain the tears falling from your face. You don’t know why this act, this little ask reassures you. Perhaps its seeing him out of his element, seeing how tortured he was in trying to make you happy that has you comforted.

“I will. Do. I’ll marry you.” You answer finally and his eyebrows furrow together.

“Really? You’re not going to argue with me for hours about it. Not going to try to convince me on why I shouldn’t be trying to build a life with you.”

“Really.” You say as you move closer to him and his frown deepens.

“You literally argued with me for five hours on why you didn’t want to move in here with me. You still even have your apartment!”

“I’ll sell it you idiot – do you want me to marry you or not!? Focus on your surroundings.”

You say the last part snarkily and he grins up at you now wolfishly before his lips are back on your own, trapping you in a bear hug as he kisses you.

“That’s my line.” He says when he pulls away and you shrug as his hand find your left one, sliding the ring onto your finger.

You’re amazed. It was your dream ring. And your expensive dream ring – at least it looked. You had always wanted a simple princess cut ring, nothing to fancy. The rock of this ring demanded attention. You might even ask Billy if you could use his security personnel to protect you from walking down the street with.

“I asked all your close girlfriends and your mom and your sisters and even your brother what kind of ring you wanted. When I went to Harry Winston they told me the cushion cut was basically the same thing and ..... oh my god are you not listening to me?”

You snap your head back up at him and press a soft kiss to your lips. Your ring was shiny and did he say a Harry Winston? You only thought people in movies got rings from the Harry Winston. The hell was wrong with this man?

That doesn’t matter though. You know he did it because he genuinely believed you deserved the best.

When you pull away you voice as much, “Thank you for loving me and taking me for who I am.”

“No thank you babe. But you know, if you want to find a more physical way to show your thanks….”He kisses your nose before you feel his hips shimmy against you and you laugh nodding your head.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

#ben barnes #billy russo x reader #billy russo #billy the beaut #the punisher #ask and you shall receive

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anxious-vigil · 6 years

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Misunderstandings (Pt 2)

Summary: Virgil needs someone to help him through panic attacks, and Logan seems to be the perfect solution. However when he approaches the other side, assumptions are made and soon he’s left alone and confused, trying to track down Logic just to ask him where things went wrong. Romantic identity angst fic with like a paragraph of crack at the very end. I’ve since realised it’s also heavily inspired by Platonic by @randomslasher so you should go read that as well if you haven’t already. On Ao3 here

Trigger warnings: Graphic descriptions of panic attacks, mentions of self harm, discussions of sexual/romantic identity, some aro-phobic language, lots of arguing and self-deprecation

Pairings: Analogical, background Royality

Chapter 2

Recognising that maybe he started off a little strong, who'd wanna spend an entire evening with Anxiety? Virgil passes the next month or so trying to spend time with Logan. Not that it's easy or anything, in fact he thinks he's actually seen him less than he used to before this whole thing started. Logan's even stopped attending group movie nights with any regularity. He might think he was driving the other away but he's made efforts to be as little of an annoyance as possible, so much so that it's a bit of a stretch, even for the literal embodiment of Anxiety himself, to see himself as the problem.

He's been asking Logan once or twice a week to do a small activity with him, a jigsaw, a crossword,to see if they can identify the bird Patton keeps seeing out of the window above the kitchen sink when he's washing up. Nothing but an expression that gets more and more pinched every time he shows up. He's even done some in-depth research on aromanticism to make sure he's not doing anything horrifically offensive. He doesn't think so from the information he's seen, and he got to the fifth page of Google. Logan would be proud, well, maybe if he could just track him down to tell him.

One week he tried to casually show up at mealtimes when Logan would be there. Nada. He's starting to think it might just be his presence Logan dislikes, what if he affects the other sides like his room does and he's just making the other more and more nervous each time he shows up? Logan surely would have said something by now but Virgil just doesn't know why he's being avoided so much. It's starting to really hurt and it's showing in how anxious he, and by default Thomas, is getting. It's awful to say the least and it doesn't help how Roman and Patton keep making strange comments about how it'll all work itself out in the end and how there are bumps in the road to true love, always accompanied by a wink or occasionally a lewd comment from Roman and Virgil doesn't understand that either. They must know Logan's aro and he's talked to Patton about how stressed the idea of dating makes him, so what on earth are they getting at? Still, as horrible as the last week's been, he's going to make one last ditch attempt at getting to know Logan before he gives up.

The idea of having someone to soothe him through his panic attacks, someone to tear apart Roman's choice at movie night with, someone who he can just spend time with... it's addictive and he doesn't want to let go of the idea yet. He just wants a friend who doesn't spend half their time with their tongue down Roman's throat. Is that too much too ask? Who is he kidding. It's Anxiety we're talking about. Of course he's gonna fuck this up.

The next time he feels anxious, Thomas is about to start writing the script for the next Sanders Sides video and is staring down a blank page. If he starts affecting Thomas now, he knows the anxiety about starting off will hound his host for a week, making him procrastinate on everything. He doesn't want to put Thomas through that. All he wants to do is have Logic tell him everything's gonna be ok. It's been about three days since he tried to cook lunch for everyone and one portion sat in the fridge with a post-it note until the pasta started to look mummified and Virgil threw it away with tears pricking in his eyes. Patton helped him scrub away the cheese crusted onto the plate and the mindless chatter was somehow worse than all the silence he's been enduring these past weeks.

He grabs a random book from the common area, not really planning on reading it, his thoughts are spinning too much, but hopes Logan will accept it as an excuse to intrude on his space. With Virgil reading quietly, Logan won't even have to look at him if he doesn't want to. It's not until he's halfway up the stairs that he realises it's an Agatha Christie. Logan's gonna think he's such a suck-up but he's hyperventilating slightly and the idea of turning back to get another book seems insurmountable. He's not really expecting much when he knocks on Logan's door but this is a last line of defence against his scattered panicking thoughts. He needs a calm presence even if Logan does hate him like he seems to.

The door swings open with a crash and Logan appears in front of him, glaring. Virgil startles, his nerves too shaken for him to keep still. “Well?” Logan snaps, as he raises his book like a shield and opens his mouth to ask if he can read in his room. Logan's gaze sweeps across the title and his eyes roll. “Yes, ok.” He steps back to let Virgil in but he's rooted to the spot. This isn't calming. It's making everything worse. What has he done to Logan? “IN!” Logan barks, obviously fed up of his dithering and he scurries past the threshold, aiming fir the window seat, clutching the novel tight as if it could protect him. He doesn't make it to sit down before Logan's yelling.

“No, you know what, Virgil?” he sneers. “I don't owe you my time. It's not my fault you're incapable of putting two and two together. I'm not interested in you.” Virgil's staring at him in shock, eyes quickly overflowing. He was so stupid, thinking Logan would want to help him. He's the villain for god's sake. Seeing his dumbstruck face, Logan explodes. “Was this a surprise? Are you really that STUPID? I TOLD you I'm aro! I don't LIKE you and I NEVER will! So you can stop asking me on dates like some lovesick fool! I've made it as obvious as possible that I'm NOT INTERESTED!”

Barely aware of dropping the book, Virgil raises shaking hands to try and block the sound buffeting around him. His brain shut off as soon as the yelling started and now he's in full panic mode. The second there's a gap in the noise, he bolts.

Logan stumbles slightly as Virgil rushes past him. He sighs and adjusts his glasses. It is... regrettable that he blew up like that but hopefully now they can move past this little misunderstanding and Virgil can move on from his crush. He hopes they can be friends now, he has missed having a truly platonic friendship with Patton and Roman, things have been slightly awkward ever since the incident. Maybe this will finally stop their clowning as well, but he doubts it. As the romantic and emotional sides, they've always struggled to understand his identity and, as his friends, they are invested in what they perceive as his 'happiness'. He was surprised when the anxious trait shared their desire for a partner but still, he feels he dealt with the situation as best he could. He'll give Virgil some time to himself to sort out his feelings and then see if they can discuss things rationally and come to an agreement.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fics #analogical #virgil sanders #logan sanders #misunderstandings p2 #my writing #angst

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ionlycareabouthhn · 7 years

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Halloween Horror Nights Review (Sept. 23rd)

It’s that time of year again, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Truly. I finally made it down to Horror Nights for the first of several trips I’ll be taking this year. The anticipation has been building all year and the fact that I wasn’t there opening weekend made it build even more. I haven’t missed opening weekend in six years. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that it was absolutely worth the wait.

Here are my initial thoughts after my first night, September 23rd. I’m curious to see how these changes and how my rankings shape up when it’s all said and done. For now, I’ll be discussing each house in the order that I saw them in. Spoilers ahead.

Hive: You’d think there would be a certain amount of pressure placed upon the first house that I see each year but over the years I’ve let that die out. More times than not, the first house I see tends to fall a little flat for some reason and I have to do it again before I make any real judgments. So, while I was excited to be stepping back into a haunted house at Universal once again my expectations were low. I knew that this was originally supposed to be The Conjuring and didn’t know how well the replacement would do. I felt complacent about this one going in. Holy mother of god, was this a scary house, though. I briefly had the thought that I had been to HHN enough times to not have to scream with each scare but that lasted about ten seconds into this one. It was very dark in here to me, and it didn’t help that it was daylight out and my eyes hadn’t adjusted. That made it all the more scary. The standout scene to me was the one with the hanging vampires. I also loved the glowing eyes. We only did this one once so I’m interested to go through again.

Blumhouse of Horrors: I had read so many “meh,” to downright terrible opinions about this one with the lowest expectations I could possible have. Wrong. First off, shout out to the team member waiting just past the façade who yelled “boo,” when we walked by and actually startled us. I was thrilled to see “Mr. Boogie,” in the Sinister section. I’m a big fan of the first Sinister movie and wished they had given it a little more space in this house. The Purge was ok, its few rooms alone got to me more than the house a few years ago ever did. This house is largely Insidious though. The Insidious house from 2015 was one of the scariest ones to me, and to see parts of that come back to life was nice. That damn demon got me good a few times. One of the most memorable things here was that the group in front of us didn’t know which way to go and we were stuck in one spot so long that the scareactors in Insidious would pop out and point them in the right direction. I genuinely want to do this one a few more times and don’t think it deserved the hate that I saw it get. Yes, I would have liked to see something that wasn’t a repeat of properties we already had, but for what it was, I liked it.

Scarecrow: The Reaping: To quote the very scared man behind me in this house, “son of a biscuit!” This was one of my worst nightmares. I find scarecrows to be terrifying enough as it is, and this played right into that. My god, were the actors intense in here. I absolutely loved the confined feeling of certain scenes as well as the costumes. The biggest scare here was when you could hear and feel the thudding footsteps and then the giant scarecrow popped out. Then again, the whole thing was scary as hell. I was completely out of breath when we finally reached the end. They really knocked it out of the park here.

Ash vs the Evil Dead: I’ll keep this short and sweet. This one didn’t do too much for me. By no means was it a bad house, but having never seen the show, I didn’t connect with it. There were some fun moments here and there as opposed to big scares or scares at all. So far it’s the weakest one for me. Maybe I should find a way to watch the show to better appreciate it.

Dead Waters: I would like to issue a formal apology to the teenage boy and his dad in front of me in this house for the string of expletives that came out of my mouth when I turned the corner and saw this façade. Gorgeous. My jaw was on the floor. The sets in this house were so incredibly detailed that I’m going to want to come back to this one a few more times. In fact we did this one twice that night. My biggest scare of the night came from this house. In that circular room towards the end I was too focused on the scareactor by the hanging body on the left. I turned and saw the boo hole on the right and the second I registered there might be someone in there, they came rushing out and I hit the floor. This was everything an original house needs to be. I walked out practically screaming about how amazing it was. I dare say that this might be the best original house they’ve ever done. I hope this one holds up on repeat visits.

The Fallen: Hmmm…I didn’t hate it. I’ll make that very clear, this wasn’t a BAD house. The sets were nice, the bungee scare was amazing as were all of the scares that came from above but there was clearly something missing. I didn’t necessarily feel like there was much of a plot since they removed the angels that were original supposed to be in it. In a way that was both an advantage and disadvantage. On the one hand it made it harder to really pick out where the scares were going to come from, but on the other hand, seeing places where they clearly had a gap for an angel to be (I assume) made it obvious something was missing. I’m going to need to see this a few more times I think.

The Shining: This is what I’ve been waiting for literally the entire span of time during which I have come to this event. The Shining is my favorite scary movie. I have a poster on my wall, a mini Jack figurine, I love listening to “Midnight With the Stars and You.” I was a little concerned when I read that people weren’t too thrilled with this one and I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed. Luckily I wasn’t. Was I scared? No. In fact I don’t think I’ll ever be really scared in this house because I was grinning like an idiot all three times, and even crying tears of joy during my first run. This was everything I wanted it to be. Every part and character that should have been featured was. I especially loved The Gold Room scene (Hair of the dog that bit me Lloyd!) and the fact that the elevator scene wasn’t a screen made my heart soar. Thinking about this house now while writing this makes me want to weep tears of joy all over again. This house was everything I needed and I’ll never ask for anything else in my life again. (Maybe)

American Horror Story vol. 2: So much asylum! That was the only season in this one I had seen from start to finish and it was my favorite. I can’t complain about that part. I was even pleasantly surprised by the Santa scare. Coven and Roanoke were also well done. The thing that stood out to me the most was how much some of the actors looked like the characters they were playing. As of right now I feel like I slightly preferred the house from last year but I have a feeling that might change the more I see this one.

Saw: The Games of Jigsaw: Back in 2009 when I was younger and knew nothing about Horror Nights, the Saw house that year was the one I was most excited for. I had read good things and made sure we made a beeline to the back of the park to do it first. A crucial mistake in hindsight because it was still way too light outside. It was my first ever HHN house and its my least favorite of all time, a fact I consider to be tragic. With that in my mind I wasn’t too thrilled when this one was announced. I didn’t set out to hate it, but I went in thinking I wouldn’t get scared at all. Ironically some of my biggest scares came from the pig men in this house. I also looked for and found some of the buttons I had read people talking about. A couple of them didn’t do anything that I was able to notice but the last one did…and it made me jump. This was a pleasant surprise and one of my favorites of the evening.

There you have it. I’ll devote more time to the scarezones and revisit my thoughts on the houses once I return from my next trip at the beginning of next month. My heart is so full of love from this event. It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

#hhn #halloween horror nights #halloween horror nights orlando #Universal Orlando #universal hhn #hhn27 #haunted house #Halloween #ahs #The Shining #Saw #blumhouse #hhn review

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berserker-official · 7 years

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Then allow me to be the one who does it. -ahem- Answer all 200 questions, please.

YOU

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now?

199: I was born in: A hospital in Colorado

198: I am really: Really tired

197: My cellphone company is: Cricket

196: My eye color is: Blue

195: My shoe size is: I think 12?

194: My ring size is: I have no fucking idea

193: My height is: 6′2

192: I am allergic to: Nothing that I know of

191: My 1st car was: I share a Jeep with the family

190: My 1st job was: A pizza man at Little Caesars in Texas

189: Last book you read: All You Need is Kill by Hiroshi Sakurazaka

188: My bed is: Small.

187: My pet: She a good girl and like 6 different breeds

186: My best friend: I have too many

185: My favorite shampoo is: Whatever’s cheap

184: Xbox or ps3: Both but I’m a sony man at heart

183: Piggy banks are: Neat

182: In my pockets: I don’t have pockets right now

181: On my calendar: Nothing special today but I have the Danganronpa V3 release date on it in a couple of weeks

180: Marriage is: Neat

179: Spongebob can: go steppin on the beach

178: My mom: is neat but I’m mad at her right now

177: The last three songs I bought were?

Silence by Marshmello & Khalid, OTONA HIT PARADE and Emotional Literacy by Bradio

176: Last YouTube video watched: Oney Plays D. Premonition WITH FRIENDS - EP 6 - Minesweeper175: How many cousins do you have? I honestly don’t know. My parents don’t really keep in touch with immediate family. My mom is an only child and my dad doesn’t talk to her sister.174: Do you have any siblings? I have a little brother who’s a fucking loser going for an astrophysics degree.

173: Are your parents divorced? Nope

172: Are you taller than your mom? By two feet.

171: Do you play an instrument? I used to play percussion in middle school

170: What did you do yesterday? A bunch of stencil work[ I Believe In ] (I’ve already answered these but here u go)169: Love at first sight: Not really168: Luck: Heart of the Cards167: Fate: No166: Yourself: Nope165: Aliens: Yeah164: Heaven: Not really163: Hell: Not really162: God: Not really161: Horoscopes: No but I look at them randomly160: Soul mates: Yeah159: Ghosts: No but not yet158: Gay Marriage: HELL YEAH157: War: No it bad156: Orbs: I BELIEVE IN THE ORBS155: Magic: No but not yet[ This or That ] (I’ve answered some of these already but here u go)154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs153: Drunk or High: Neither152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: Black hair but I don’t really care?150: Blondes or Brunettes: Blonde cuz I’m ready to have fun149: Hot or cold: Cold148: Summer or winter: Winter147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate145: Night or Day: Night144: Oranges or Apples: Apples143: Curly or Straight hair: Straight hair142: McDonalds or Burger King: Doesn’t matter141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: I hate showing off my feet and I actually wore high heels once so HIGH HEELS138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I’m sweet and poor so that one137: Coke or Pepsi: Neither one I actually don’t like carbonated drinks136: Hillary or Obama: Thanks obama135: Burried or cremated: Cremated it’s better for the earth134: Singing or Dancing: Singing even I fuckin suck133: Coach or Chanel: I have no idea132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Neither?131: Small town or Big city: Big City130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller128: Manicure or Pedicure: Whichever is the hand one127: East Coast or West Coast: I’m in the middle so doesn’t matter126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas cuz my birthday is in the summer so I’m dying of heat.125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: Neither cuz going outside sucks123: Yankees or Red Sox: Cubs cuz they finally won the world series[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: It bad121: George Bush: He did Nine Eleven120: Gay Marriage: It’s great why the fuck do people think it’s bad119: The presidential election: In general I used to not care but NOW GO FUCKING VOTE118: Abortion: I think it’s important117: MySpace: I never had a myspace but bring back the grunge emo shit116: Reality TV: It’s obviously fake so115: Parents: Parents are good without them I would not be here (But if they’re abusive fuck them)114: Back stabbers: Drop them faster than you can say bye bitch113: Ebay: I’ve only used it once and it was good so I say sure112: Facebook: Needs to chill the fuck out111: Work: Work is good you get money and gain retail horror stories110: My Neighbors: One of them is a drunk so meh but The Best Neighbor is a guy that used to build his own motorcycles but has heart problems so he had to sell them but he’s a chill guy and I love him109: Gas Prices: TOO DAMN HIGH108: Designer Clothes: Too rich for my blood107: College: A good choice for your future but it’s not for everybody106: Sports: The only sport I care about is MLG Gaming105: My family: They cool but highly problematic104: The future: I’m at a big turning point right now so[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Last Saturday?102: Last time you ate: A couple hours ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Last week I think I hung out with a friend and we watched Willow100: Cried in front of someone: Months probably99: Went to a movie theater: I went to see Spider-Man Homecoming when it came out but next month I’m going to see Jigsaw with @warlord-official so that’s fun98: Took a vacation: I don’t know? When I got out of school for summer vacation?97: Swam in a pool: 2011?96: Changed a diaper: I actually never changed a diaper95: Got my nails done: Never94: Went to a wedding: Two years ago93: Broke a bone: Never92: Got a peircing: Sophmore year I got my lip pierced so...2008?91: Broke the law: I think I ran a red light once so a couple years ago?90: Texted: A day?[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: Me cuz I do the dumbest shit88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My dog87: The last movie I saw: I was watching the Rugrats Movie on Netflix a little while ago86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Danganronpa V3 and then Jigsaw in October and the Ixalan MTG set at the end of the month.85: The thing im not looking forward to: The next time I have to go to jury duty84: People call me: by my name83: The most difficult thing to do is: Be an adult82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never81: My zodiac sign is: Leo80: The first person i talked to today was: My dad79: First time you had a crush: Probably in elementary school? She was partially deaf and my teacher told me to help her out for the year and we got pretty close78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: My friends cuz I gotta let my baggage out77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: I don’t remember cuz all my friends think the same way76: Right now I am talking to: No one75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I wanna do photography maybe teaching74: I have/will get a job: When I graduate73: Tomorrow: I gotta get up early for school72: Today: I did a bunch of school readings71: Next Summer: I’m gonna die from heat again70: Next Weekend: Hopefully I can hang with friends69: I have these pets: A good dog68: The worst sound in the world: When a racist opens their mouth67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Roman from the FH team cuz he’s NOT FUCKING NERFING CENT66: People that make you happy: All my friends65: Last time I cried: Just now boi we goin in hard64: My friends are: Good boys and girls63: My computer is: I have an 5 year old ASUS laptop that I should try to upgrade cuz it runs Overwatch poorly62: My School: MSU Denver61: My Car: I share a Jeep with the family60: I lose all respect for people who: Treat my friends like they’re subhuman59: The movie I cried at was: Death Note cuz it was fucking awful58: Your hair color is: Dirty blonde57: TV shows you watch: The only stuff on now that I’m watching is Rick and Morty and AHS: Cult56: Favorite web site: Tumblr even though this hellsite is full of sin55: Your dream vacation: Japan?54: The worst pain I was ever in was: My wisdom teeth were pretty obnoxious53: How do you like your steak cooked: Rare52: My room is: Very messy and small51: My favorite celebrity is: Gal Gadot50: Where would you like to be: Anywhere not stressed out49: Do you want children: Only if I have an S/O that wants kids48: Ever been in love: Yeh47: Who’s your best friend: I have too many to count but @warlord-official is one of them46: More guy friends or girl friends: I think it’s a tie?45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when my friends are happy or I eat a good burger44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My friend that’s in Japan I miss her43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Nope42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Nope41: Have you pre-named your children: I did when I was dating someone and thought we were pretty serious but then I found out she was cheating on me so not anymore40: Last person I got mad at: My mom39: I would like to move to: Japan or somewhere that is cool all the time like Washington maybe38: I wish I was a professional: Photographer[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Pay Day36: Vehicle: Reasonably priced car is one of the new Jeeps. Super expensive car would be an Aston Martin or Maserati35: President: Obama34: State visited: Georgia was nice33: Cellphone provider: Cricket cuz it’s the only one I’ve had32: Athlete: John Elway31: Actor: Chris Evans30: Actress: Gal Gadot29: Singer: Kesha28: Band: Bradio or Starset27: Clothing store: DXL cuz it’s the only store that sells clothes for Big Boys26: Grocery store: Safeway25: TV show: Hannibal or Future Diary. Rick and Morty is always good24: Movie: Saw, Pacific Rim, Back to the Future, or Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift23: Website: Tumle dot hell22: Animal: Dog?21: Theme park: NONE OF EM20: Holiday: Halloween19: Sport to watch: idk18: Sport to play: I used to do tennis so that one17: Magazine: Shonen Jump or Game Informer16: Book: The Disaster Artist15: Day of the week: Friday14: Beach: I’ve never been to a beach13: Concert attended: Either PVRIS or A Perfect Circle with @warlord-official12: Thing to cook: It’s like a mix of pizza and spaghetti11: Food: A nice burger10: Restaurant: I like Smashburger9: Radio station: I don’t remember the one that plays rock music here but that one8: Yankee candle scent: Something about rain?7: Perfume: There was a vanilla one that I thought smelled nice a long time ago6: Flower: idk?5: Color: a deep blue4: Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres?3: Comedian: Bo Burnham2: Dog breed: Mutt1: Did you answer all these truthfully? I hope so

#long post #rexudagawa

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shoumikmuhammed · 7 years

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EYE

There was a moment’s shuddering, a moment of eyes going wide, the face going taut, and then still. Hers have always been an impassive child-like face, innocent yet expressionless, and probably only came alive when he couldn’t see it, in pitch black darkness, under the sheets with the moisture of his tongue trudging slowly and cautiously across her. He had always wondered, basking in her gasps, if her eyes were as lifeless as they always were, as inscrutable and impenetrable as a polished hardwood floor. He held her face close, still in shock, and traced his fingers over her perfect features. He never got used to her face, her gaze, her wall-like demeanour. It always unnerved him that in his discomfort, at her indifference, lay her pleasure. Moreover, the ringing laughter in his ears had not stopped.

Her name was Poushi. He met her one dark mid-winter. A mere week after he lost his mother. He met her on a new year’s night among a pack of thrill seekers on a sugar rush, punch drunk and playfully frolicking in a hallucinatory chemical induced Garden of delights. He had been an atheist for about 10 days, and he was still hesitating and letting their tipsy little rebellion soak into him drop by drop, shot by shot. He struggled with his first joint, he coughed, and retched. He struggled to take the smoke into his belly the way he was advised. He popped every last pill he was offered. He took a swing at whatever wall he thought was holding back with a battering ram if not a hammer and a chisel. Caution was a luxury he had lost his taste for.

There was a faint buzzing in his ears. As the numbness slowly came, his phone went off playing “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” intro. Used to be a favourite of his father, his mother always told him. He laughed a little, he cried a little at that thought. He had never seen his father. Mother told him he was happy elsehwhere, in a man made garden on the top of the clouds in the arms of a hundred something concubines with wings. She probably hoped that would keep him praying five times a day, and Lord knows he did, hoping she gets better in her decade long battle with cancer. She never did. She just took a very slow, painful exit, leaving him alone on the stage. Alone, confused, and scared for the very first time of his life, before his fears gave in to purposelessness.

It was a call from his girlfriend Protima. Her every call was a pang of guilt. She kept on calling him every hour, day or night, rain or shine. He’d ignore most of her calls, with his legitimate excuse being need for some space. Yet she called regardless because she knew what in his every moment alone he was doing to himself. She was more worried about him that he was. He had given up on himself, but she was holding on. He resented it. He hated himself for resenting it. He hated how anything and everything about the world felt like tentacles growing in the depths of his lungs, constricting air passages. In one such moment, he found God. Or at least that’s how it felt.

“Imagine we are Two dimensional” said a cool female voice from somewhere in the head beside his as he lay, paralyzed on the carpet, numb and nauseated, palpitating, panicking while “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” rang and rang on, and he watched odd shapes swirling around the spinning fan on the ceiling, spirals orbiting it like galaxies around a center. “Imagine if some sad motherfucker felt it would be funny to drop a tennis ball into our midst. What would we see? Us, sorry little two dimensional dip shits.”

He was too numb to even utter a gasp as the shapes in the ceiling seemed to zone in and our of there, rising like bodies from a grave, from mere sketch to full fledged shapes, lights dancing as the spirals became loose slinkies, playful and yet maddening to watch as their ends flew closer and closer to the center , towards the edges of the wings of the spinning fan, becoming faster, becoming too strainfully fast for his eyes to follow, yet he could feel the loose threads on the ends of those spirals, the weight of the ultra cosmic matter reacting adversely to being in the wrong place, in the wrong time. In the wrong reality.

“A dot is how it begins. A blip.” She went on. “Then an ever widening diameter, a surface, an incomprehensible edge that grows wider and wider till it shrinks, and goes back to being a dot, as it sinks past us.”

The threads were fasts, slowly undone near the edges, sliding in faster and faster, the spirals spinning towards a center, like a Universe collapsing in on itself, sending ripples, pink one second, then a bright blinding yellow, with a molten tinge of orange, then red, then purple then blue. The waves crashed gently on to the people, the children of the night who were blissfully oblivious, as they laughed, cajoled, binge ate, drank, made merry, and gave heads. He felt a discarded packet of Durex hit him in the face, flicked by a careless, lustful someone nearby. He ushered all his might so he could turn his head and have the packet fall off, so he could watch the collision, the Big Crunch. It was like watching a glass ball shatter, explode, bang! Into a dazzling light.

“What if..” the girl beside him droned on “Divine intervention is simply an event like the tennis ball? We just can’t see miracles. We can’t see God, we can’t see shit. Stuff just happen around us, phasing in sinking out. This just ain’t fair!”

It ended in elation. A strange, overwhelming sense of relief. A feeling of soft fabric on a bony, cancer eaten shoulder of a loved one, tear friendly and ever welcoming. It was a feeling of blissful affection that washed over him. He had never cried in front of everyone, even while he took his mother’s body with his very hands into the depths of her grave. He didn’t shed a drop, while everyone around him uncomfortable waiting to. And now here he was, sobbing, sobbing and sobbing and almost choking in a room full of intoxicated strangers.

As he slowly came to his senses, the face of the girl beside him was on top of his.

“Saw Him too, didn’t you?” her eyes were shards of ice. “I think He likes you.”

II.

His name was Protik.

“I love how our names fit.” Said Protima all of a sudden, while she rested her head on his life, watching a movie on her laptop. She had this habit of saying things out of the blue. More often than not, things she had said a thousand times before.

Protik never understood why. To her she was always this jigsaw piece that seemed to complete her life, but he never understood how or what value he added there. Or what value she added to his puzzle, aside from being a doting, rebuking moral compass he frankly no longer needed. He shrugged off that thought. It’s just a phase. He told himself. His growing disdain of her, his awareness of her extra pounds, his awareness of the missing excitement he once felt around her. The thought was a screaming cancer patient that he tried to strangle with a pillow that read, But she loves me.

He thought of that every time he went back to the place he liked to call the place where he saw God. Back to that mysterious girl named Poushi, who always carried drugs in unsearchable places. He thought about Protima, about her cool, controlled beauty, her sophisticated, morally upright (given the cultural context) view of the world, her dedication to her family, her rigid set of rules that upheld social values instilled into her. In a nutshell, her refusal to let him fuck her.

He felt a light slap as Protima pulled him back out of his reverie. “A Penny for your thoughts?” She asked.

How do you tell someone that their presence in your life gets cumbersome at times? How do you point someone towards their extra pounds? How do you tell someone you hate the taste of breakfast in their mouths? How do you tell someone you hate yourself to the end of the world for feeling so damned ungrateful towards someone who goes out of their way to make your life better, and you sit back thinking of their very own effort as some kind of a price they pay for a claim on you.

“Ah, nothing.” He muttered. It’s just a phase. Those four words were his mantra now. Those four words where his mantra while he let himself slowly get comfy in the arms of someone else. It’s not cheating, I’m just meeting a basic fucking need. He’d angrily think to himself while Poushi went limp, like dead weight, watching him hungrily pounce on her, explore her, and violate her. She’d just lay on her back, and stare at swirling shapes in the darkness (rule number forty two, lights stay off!). After they were done, usually within minutes, they’d sit back for a while. Both would know that Protik was quietly waiting for her to get him what he really needs.

It had been a week now and they had been meeting every evening, either at a friend’s place, or a cheap hotel . There had been no coming back, since Protik’s brush with divinity. He never even asked what it was. He didn’t really care anymore. Reality had ceased to interest him. All that mattered anymore in his life was the few minutes of sheer joy, of crippling exhileration that reduced him to tears every time. He heard her, moving around in the darkness, heating a spoonful of solvent with her lighter, he heard the fizz of the dissolving solute.

He thought about how she had explained to him about things slipping in from one dimension to a different one, 3D to 2D. The more he thought about it, the less it all felt delusional, less like chemicals messing with him. What if we always had the image of God in our heads all wrong? What if you don’t “see” him with your eyes, but feel his presence even with eyes closed? That should explain the overwhelming flood of emotions that ran amok in him. To think God was somewhere traipsing along the covalent bonds between the molecule, just a “devil in the detail”, he thought and chuckled. He was aware that reason was corroding fast, but he let the lapse of logic wash over him over the days. Maybe this was all he needed, just a little bit of help to really see Him.

“I never see you taking this.” He had said.

“My eye’s all open now.” Said Poushi. “I don’t need help seeing Him like I used to.”

She slipped back into bed with him, with a filled syringe. He inhaled, awaiting the prick, and asked her, “does it feel the same every time? why can’t I feel him anymore?”

“Have you been sleeping right?” Protima asked him.

The answer was no. Something had been keeping him up the last three days.

III.

It had been weeks. Protik had forgotten what the face of God feels like. What it felt like to have a presence make him go numb from exhileration, and happiness. He had forgotten what it felt like to be in his mother’s arms. But every time he had Poushi inject him with a shot of what she called “The Pilgrim’s Chariot”, he’d no longer feel the bliss the way he felt the first few times.

It all stopped the day he caved, and the very first time he let go of himself and cheat on Protima. Poushi’s fingers slowly walked over him, and traced paths, slowly blurring lines with slow burning desire, and pent up rage that a subtle curl on her lips seemed to enticingly call out to, to smother and incinerate it to a wisp. He merely stared back, took his time to consider, and let his composure corrode, not for the first time. It was no different from every time he sat next to his dying mother, who wailed and sobbed in pain every night. And he fought the urge to end her pain with her soaked pillow underneath her.

He’d thought of a million of ways to justify it, the way we all do, the way life keeps forcing us to eat our own words and ideals time and time again. And we take the bait, move on with our lives, and call it growing up.

Today, a full month after he’d last seen God, after numerous failed attempts to try and do so, Poushi lay limp. Being choked was one of her favourites and it took Protik weeks of practice to do it safe, by carefully identifying vein laden pressure points on her neck in the dark. He had spent hours practicing it on hmself, hoping to stop breathing one evening by accident. Willing, praying that his very hands fuck up, and catch him off guard on their own accord. Praying, for a sleight of fingers, and here he was in bed with a prayer answered wrong.

He shuddered, and felt his stomach grow cold and heavy. It hurt him to move, as he sobbed and placed his head on her chest, keeping his ears pricked for traces of noise, or movement of air in her chest cavity. He heard nothing. Just ringing laugher. A cold cruel ringing laughter that shook the walls and kicked dust off bookshelves. He felt the bed shake, and a piece of crockery shatter. He closed his eyes and clung to Poushi’s limp frame. There was nothing in the world he longed for more than to switch places with her.

He heard his phone ring. “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”. It was Protima. The only person to ever call him. He quickly wiped his tears and answered. His mind raced. He had to tell her what he had done. He would turn himself in. Maybe that’d be the only way he could just remove himself from her life, and stop being her beast of burden. A piece of luggage that never returned her the love she deserved. He was a cheat, and now a murderer. She could do without him.

“Somebody has to do something about that clingy girlfriend of yours.” He heard a familiar silky voice whisper to him in the dark. Followed by a laugh. A cold, cruel, ringing laugh.

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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How many sugars do you take in your tea/coffee? I don’t use sugar Has anyone you know had their birthday recently? not recently

Who was the last person you had a video call with? my gf Have you eaten a chocolate bar today? no When was the last time you ate waffles? not sure Do you own any items of clothing with cartoon characters on them? sure Have you ever played Animal Crossing? I tried but my cellphone is too crappy for it :( maybe someday Would you ever dye your hair the same colour as the top you’re wearing? white? why not Do you own anything e.g jewellery, accessories with your initial on it? recently I sold one Who is the first person you can think of, whose name begins with P? my ex friend

Do you have any stuffed animals from Build-a-Bear Workshop? nope, I would like to go there someday tho

Can you pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time? I can

Do you like fingerpainting? nope

Do you like the color yellow? it’s one of my fav colors

Do you collect coins? not really

Have you ever walked on stilts? I’d like to try

Who was the last person that you called? dad

How many letters are in your middle name? 0

Do you collect seashells? I keept some

Do you like the number 46? I have no associations with it, it doesn’t mean anything to me

Have you ever left your handprint in wet concrete? nah

Do you vaccuum? parents sometimes vaccuum parts of our house

Can you wiggle your ears? my father can

Have you ever been in a commercial before? I haven’t

Have you ever wanted to grow a beard or mustache? I can’t

do you smile at strangers in public? only if they smile first and when I’m sure they don’t laugh at me/aren’t creepy catcallers etc.

do you like gardening? nah what’s your favorite christmas song? can’t decide if you have a dog, does it sleep with you? it doesn’t, my cat did who would you want to be with if you found out the world was ending? my parents and dog would you rather your middle name be your first? not applicable does it bother you if your socks don’t match? I wear matching socks but it wouldn’t bother me much do you like jigsaw puzzles? I love jigsaw puzzles if you get married, who would cook? not me how many towels do you use? small for my face and hands and big one for the rest of my body what kind of shoes do you prefer to wear? slip on, no laces, zippers are ok tho do you like v-neck tshirts? nope would you accept a friend request from someone you thought didn’t like you? no would you smoke marijuana if it were legal? I wouldn’t if you believe in god, why? it’s complicated are you easily embarrassed? it seems would you ever flash a cop if you knew you’d get out of a ticket? no way

What was the last kind thing that someone did for you? mom made food for me

When was the last time you laughed at yourself? Why? not sure what was last

When was the last time you felt confused? Why? ugh...

How many lipsticks do you own? mine is too old to use it but I’m sentimental about it somehow

When was the last time you had mixed emotions/feelings? Why? constantly

Can you remember the last time you had a sudden change of mind? sigh...

Have you paid anyone a compliment today? Who? possibly, someone close to me

Is there anything you hope will happen in the near future? personal (health related)

Would you move to another country for the one you love? doubt it Have you ever laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe? I have, more than once Do you feel stupid when you spill things on yourself? yep When’s the last time you were kissed? days ago Do you hate the phrase “love ya” when coming from a boyfriend/girlfriend? why? What do you do when someone in the room has b.o.? leave Do you like the movie Grease? didn’t watch it

What’s your favorite Jim Carrey movie? I’m not a fan but Truman show, Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, Grinch, Batman and Kick-ass 2 There’s a knock at your door at 4 in the morning; what do you do? freak out?... Ever lost a best friend? not to death but several

Have you ever been to a funeral? 1, this year Do/did you like high school? yes and no but more no Do you have any Asian friends? I don’t, I never even had a chance to talk to any of them Is it cold where you live? as for summer it is indeed :( Would you ever let your boyfriend/girlfriend do your makeup? but I don’t wear/use it Is money really that important? yeah When’s the last time you played hide & go seek? as a kid

What does your URL mean? thrift raccoon but sounds like a shop :P

Can you touch your nose with your tongue? can touch it with my upper lip only

You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? personal/not sure

Are you fascinated by rivers? umm...

Do you like the look of lights shining on water? why not

How long does it usually take you to fill a survey? long because I do a lot of other things in between as well

Do you live near a volcano? luckily not

Do you find train whistles comforting? mhm

Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? no :o

Have you ever walked on a frozen lake/river? that’s too risky/dangerous

Have you ever held a real sword? flea market

Do you like sitting on stairs? it’s ok

Have you ever seen a tree over 100 years old? possibly

Have you ever dreamed that you were taking surveys? I don’t recall

Do you feel uncomfortable at fancy restaurants? very unless it’s a wedding and there’s a lot of ppl so nobody cares about me much ;)

Animated character that was your gay awakening? kinda Haruka Tenoh from Sailor moon as I identified with her

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? nah

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? the name of it cracks me up XD and it’s awesome in fridges

How are you at climbing trees? I don’t climb trees

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ilikewriting · 5 years

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I got this idea from the other letter and maybe it'll do me some good.

I'm no mind reader. Who the hell knows what you're really thinking, why you did what you did or if you meant it... All I can do is pick between your words, looking for answers that may not really be there. I try to read between the lines, but maybe I'm seeing meaning in what are just spaces. Overthinking sucks, doesn't it? Sucks to have the short end of the stick.

Before I go all out and continue that negative train of thought, I should probably get some things out of the way first. Get the rainbow out and shining before unleashing the storm.

First I want to thank you. It has been a pleasure to receive those thoughtful 'good morning', 'kain na po' and 'good night' messages. Thank you for letting me feel like a giddy teenager, for letting me know what it's like to have someone remember you, for someone to wish you well on your day. I remember starting my day with a smile... god you made me smile a lot, you know that? You practically pasted that smile on my face for the rest of the day, and quite frankly, even with all the shit that I have to put up with, you helped me get through it. Funny, isn't it, that such simple gestures from you can do so much. I remember getting excited to go home because I'd be waiting for your 'good night' and then we'll chat late into the night about anything.

That's another thing I have to thank you for, our conversations. I remember when you cheered me on, despite the fact that I told you it was fruitless, but you let me felt like you believed in me so much. Another time it got deeper than what I had foreseen, when you asked me what will make me happy. I wanted to tell you a simple word - this. This made me happy. You know, I don't have much of an ambition in this unfair world. I do not crave to be the highest-earning person in BusinessWeek, or have my face plastered on Time. While I wish to be successful in my career, I do not particularly wish to be the best auditor the world has ever seen. I crave for a simple thing - a happy life, a life that's defined not necessarily by the money I'm earning, but the people surrounding me. And, fuck it, I want romance. I wanted it so bad.

Which is why I would like to thank you for giving me a taste of it. Thank you for that... 'date'? It could be called a date, technically. I guess I just can't tell if it's as friends or something more. Thank you for the lunch, the arcade, the movie, and even the snacks. God. It was better than what I imagined. Those eight hours spent with you are now eight of the most memorable hours I have had the pleasure of experiencing. Remember how competitive we were? How we played all sorts of video games in the arcade? Did you know that not even my friends could make me dance for that Kinect game, but I did it for you?

I don't know if you've realized, but you have the ability to push me towards things I don't normally do. You make me want to risk. I see that as a good thing, you know. Someone as guarded and careful as me could use some adventure in her life. Thank you for making me realize this.

Thank you for setting my standards. For letting me know how I should be treated. For letting me realize that I could do so much more with my life if I take a lot more risks. And most of all, thank you for letting me realize that I could care so deeply, that I am capable of going the extra mile for those I truly cared about.

I'm just sorry it couldn't be you.

I'm sorry that I chose to believe in fantasies born from the hints I misread. I believed in the stories I weaved from the spaces between the lines, as empty as the words that were never uttered.

I wonder what made you change your mind.

Did I make you feel like you didn't have a chance? You had a big chance, you know. I was just waiting for you to ask.

Did I do something to make you give up on me? Please tell me. I want to know how I screwed this up, not to salvage what's left of our unlabeled relationship, but to learn what to do when the right one comes.

Did you find another more suitable, someone better for you? Tell me too, if you did. I might be bitter, but I will be happy for you for finding what you are truly looking for. And besides, it might hurt me less if I knew that it wasn't because of something wrong I did, but because of something right with someone else.

I'm no mind reader. I don't know what made you stop. Truth be told, it saddens me more than I would admit. I used to believe in the saying 'Don't cry that it's over, smile because it happened.' I truly try to believe it now, but I can't. I'm not crying over you but tears are not a measure of sadness, just as a smile could not necessarily mean happiness. We were almost there, you know? I was falling hard but you didn't catch me. Instead, you left me confused as I hit the stone cold ground.

It fucking hurt, you know.

All my life, I've never reached a point like this. Sure, I dreamt of romance a lot, fantasized about crushes but I knew it then deep down that they were unrequited. Everything had always been one-sided. It was that way with you since about three years ago.

Yeah, I liked you since then. I wouldn't be surprised if you noticed. Actually, I'm almost positive that you knew.

I've been scared about that, you know. Scared that you were only talking to me because you knew I liked you. Taking advantage of my feelings or something like that. I didn't want to believe it but, well, I'm an overthinker, remember?

Anyhow, you had me believing that this time was different. Call me a stalker but I've lurked around your facebook posts, your comments... and come on. After all the things you've said, I knew you were talking about me. There was no doubt in my mind. Absolutely no doubt. That's why I laid all my cards out to you. And that was my mistake.

They say guard your heart. I gave mine to you, and your indifference was a knife cutting it into pieces.

You led me on, and I fucking followed you like a mindless puppy.

They say logic drops out of the equation when one falls in love. I haven't even fallen that hard yet, and my logic had already flown out the window.

Am I angry? Yes, I'm angry with you as much as I am with myself.

Why did you just... stop? Without so much as an explanation? You're a fucking jigsaw puzzle and what's stupid is me crawling about, making sense of the pieces strewn across the floor.

I hate that I let you get into me enough to drive me into this hole. I hate that I let you ruin me like this, half-convinced that I'll never have another shot because you were the best chance that I had. You were the only one who legitimately reciprocated... or appeared to be, anyway. I hate that I believed so fucking quickly, that in a span of two weeks I had already envisioned a lot of things we could've done.

You even mentioned traveling together, remember? You asked if you could come with me! Did you know that I even saved my Sodexo coupons for you, as a treat? Now they're just lying crumpled in my bag. I hate that I can't bring myself to use them, because here I am still hoping -- and I hate myself more for it.

I hate that you've hurt me enough to make me question you, to question if any of that was real, or if you were just playing to see if I'd bite. And when I did, you just shook me off like it was nothing.

I didn't peg you as that sort of guy. I really didn't.

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