#zel.txt

[zeleniafic]

****just to be 100% clear, this has nothing to do with the recent callouts. that individual and their many offshoot blogs have been blocked for awhile now. get’em, anna. it’s also not about the revolving door of anon bullshit. anons have never gotten to me - but my own brain, on the other hand...****

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i think..... i’m going to be off tumblr for... a while? idk. i’m just so... deeply exhausted. i have never been truly well but i am decidedly less well now than previously, to such an extent that i don’t have the brainpower to hide it behind humor anymore. i feel like i am just a black hole of negative feelings and idk why anyone would want to interact with me when all of my shit is just... so bleak, because the ONLY stories i have any kind of inspiration to tell right now is extremely thinly veiled vent writing about things i should be talking about with the trauma counselor i was recommended to see but can’t because i can’t drive myself there without having a panic attack. i feel like i can’t hold any kind of conversation or connect with anyone without making it awkward or traumadumping, so why on earth would anyone want to talk to me??? it’s always just the same old shit i still haven’t processed from the last time we talked. and likewise for all of my works, i don’t want to post shit sitting in my drafts rn because tagging people in it feels like i’m shoving my diary in your face and any response it gets is just borne out of pity or some sense of obligation.

it just feels so fucking embarrassing at this point. i’ve always felt inadequate on here, none of these feelings are new, idk why it’s hitting SO HARD right now. maybe it’s the adhd meds i’m trying not getting along with me (god knows they’ve slaughtered my appetite and reignited the eating disorder i thought i’d buried). i actually have no idea how to tell if this is meds or just my fucked up brain. i’ve always been tired, i’ve always had s. ideation on some level of passive to active for the majority of my life since... idk, somewhere in my early teens???? who knows, certainly not MY shattered memory, but the point is none of this is new. i guess that’s the crux of the problem. none of this is new.

i got diagnosed with ptsd last month. i turned 24 last week. i have virtually no relationship with my family, no degree, no path forward in life, and i keep doing worse and worse and worse in my classes no matter how hard i try to focus on them. birthdays have always been rough but i guess this one came packaged with a mental breakdown over the realization that i am getting further and further behind in life and i STILL don’t know what to do with it, because i don’t know how to make it feel worth living knowing that i’m just... always going to be weighed down by my past no matter how hard i push it to the back of my mind.

GOD idk what i’m even saying here anymore, i don’t know how to wrap this up. i don’t know what i’m doing. sorry. i’m so dissociated out of my fucking mind 99% of the time lately i don’t even know how to fucking communicate, i can barely even keep up with what day of the week it is. i just feel so... numb. my psychiatrist said that’s the ptsd, but my mother called me a psycho when i tried to describe dissociation so you can take your pick between those two i guess.

TLDR: i’ve been using stories/characters as a vent outlet for forever now but it feels so OBVIOUS at this point and i can’t stand feeling so... exposed. i feel guilty for not having the energy to keep up with what i’m tagged in, but even if i didn’t... i feel like anything i say or post or show on here is just so loaded with baggage it’s got a net negative impact on anyone who witnesses it. i already feel like dogshit and i feel worse and worse every time i’m on here so, i’m just... gonna stay off here. i guess.

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(on the off chance anyone actually reads all this, this isn’t like, a cry for help or anything??? don’t freak out and panic message me or smthn. it’s just... idk. an apology, i guess?? i’ve always felt like my entire existence requires an apology lmfao. i feel like i’m failing by not being present to support the ppl i love on here. which is weird bc i simultaneously feel like my absence would be a weight off their backs. isn’t that a lovely fucking contradiction my brain loves to hold onto.)

[elkinome]

trying to figure out what to do with my island is suffering

[kingofneyaphem]

I love all eight of my kids.

[zeleniafic]

if you had told me even one month ago that i would EVER be down so bad for an animated character from a league of legends spinoff I would have thrown something at you, and yet-

[zeleniafic]

I... now have a 35 chapter outline for Disarm (complete; spanning HBP thru DH) written up, with a plot plan for almost every chapter already. Who am I tonight. WHO AM I TONIGHT???? This is @anna-phora ’s influence 100%.

[zeleniafic]

I would love to know what about my blog has tumblr trying to sell me ball deodorant and manscaping tools in the ads... or are we all cursed with this currently??

[zeleniafic]

me: I am going to write

my brain: you are going to write

me: I am going to update posted stories

my brain: 👿 P̧͉͇͎̬̩ͯǪ̖̟͈͖̰͉̖̖̈̚S̻̩̬̖̓͒̓ͫ͘T̪̪ͣ͘ ̧̩̲͓̘͍̯̟͉͂͒ͣͨĂ̛͓͍̼̲͙̝̂͆ ͓̞̗́̕N͇̟̯͕͇̙ͦ̑͘ͅĘ͇̫̹̦̣̎ͣͭͅW̦͓̮̥̥̰͙̒̀ ̵͍̖̉͗͌Wͩ͏̙͕͇͍I̵͕͈̲̪̗̦̬̼̓̅̿̏P̾ͨ͏̰̹ 👿

[zeleniafic]

I was not expecting my year to start off so ~interestingly~ but I’ve gotta say. It’s insanely encouraging to go from people in my day to day life telling me I just need to try harder / stop being lazy / etc to sitting in a doctor’s office with a doctor saying “no this is not normal, something is wrong.” 

I’ve already had a chest x ray (bc apparently having a collapsed lung in your fairly recent history and walking in with trouble breathing is a RED FLAG, who knew lmfao), I had blood drawn for labs which I really hate beyond words bc needles in veins freak me the FUCK out and I almost left right then and there, and now I have to go see a cardiologist for some tests which is also really freaking me the fuck out. I have a lot (like a lot, a lot) of medical anxiety after everything that happened with my dad’s death so this is really, really not an easy process but I’m beyond happy someone’s actually taking my pain seriously??? Bc my day to day baseline level of “struggling” has gotten really out of hand.

I was also supposed to have surgery to remove some bolts and a metal plate from my collar bone already but bc of the pandemic it’s not happening any time soon and they cause agonizing nerve pain every single day when anything touches my shoulder, even to the small scale of just a seatbelt, and considering I have a physical labor intense job... you can imagine how often that happens :)))) My anger at irresponsible people is at an all time high rn bc I’m really fucking tired of hurting and that’s not going to change until I can have this elective surgery :))))

But the insane fatigue and the “constantly almost passing out” is finally being addressed AND I pulled my two brain cells together long enough to get a referral to ask about ADHD treatment after having it recommended for literally years so I’m counting this as a win!!!! Perhaps 2022 will be the year I stop feeling like a shell of a person lmfao

(I went back home and immediately it was right back to being yelled at for sleeping too much even tho the doc said there’s a REASON I’m so fucking exhausted all the time but OH WELL what can you do~ perks of being raised in an ag family lmfao no one goes to the doctor unless they’re actively at the doors of death~)

[zeleniafic]

lolol I feel like nature saw that post and sent a special “fuck you” because our pipes are frozen now :))))))))

[zeleniafic]

every time i see gifs from the witcher i just can’t help but laugh bc henry cavill always looks like can’t see SHIT through those yellow contacts

[zeleniafic]

2021 Fic Year In Review

tagged by @stachedocs & @booty-boggins tysm both of you guys <3

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Total # of Completed Works: 2 Arcane oneshots. But they’re part of a drabble series which is NOT done so technically kinda 0?? 💀

Total Word Count: I genuinely have no IDEA how to even add a total up bc I have so many WIP google docs it’s frightening and my inspo ping pongs wildly between all of them with no rhyme or reason lmfao

Fandoms I’ve Written In: The Old Guard, Harry Potter, Arcane, The Hobbit, Squid Game, Game of Thrones, Final Fantasy XV, Supernatural, Umbrella Academy, Mandalorian, Marvel... hell there’s probably more from earlier in 2021 but I’m too lazy to keep scrolling my google docs to remember tbfh

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected?: Way way WAY more! I posted ten chapters to the same fic in 2021 which might not be groundbreaking for other people, but for ME? That’s nuts. If I’m not fully fixated on whatever extremely specific part of a specific fic that I’m trying to write, it’s like pulling teeth to actually get anything done. As much as I get frustrated with myself, this is more writing than I’ve ever actually gotten done before, in 10+ years of attempting to tell a story lol. So I’m very happy with it even if I wish I wrote faster! (And could stick to one plot idea without hop scotching around lollllll)

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year?: My fave from 2021 was actually an unposted work in progress, As The Crow Flies. I’ve posted some edits from it but I’m holding it hostage from myself and forcing myself not to post it until it’s done (or at least NEAR done) bc I think the pressure of writing specifically to keep it updated, rather than to tell the story, would kill my inspiration and take the quality way down... not to mention the fun.

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year?: Eh... I don’t know if it’s a “risk” but I stepped out of my comfort zone and embraced writing little short ficlets and oneshots about canon characters, as opposed to my own OCS and long fics. Idk why but that’s always been really oddly intimidating to me?? But I finally accepted that not every idea I have HAS to be a longfic, and that it doesn’t matter if I post something centered around a canon character that is counter to the fandom at large’s accepted headcanons, bc they simply do not have to read it lmfao. And also like... spite writing to counteract the fandom tropes that *I* personally hate askdfkghgl

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year?: Just... to keep writing tbfh. Stop getting bogged down in perceived “perfection” bc it’s always going to be out of reach, and I have much more fun and much more growth when I let go of the perfectionism and just WRITE the damn story lol

Most Popular Story Of The Year?: Semper Fortis, by miles! The response to it still kind of blows me away bc it’s not my personal favorite and it’s not even my most original fic, in the sense that the founding premise of it is a trope that’s been around and beaten into the ground for like... over a decade. But I guess that goes to show, tropes exist for a reason and it’s that people love them?! I’m baffled but hardly complaining 😂

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion: In Plain Sight I cri for my girl Ellie tbfh

Most Fun Story To Write: Atm lately it’s been As The Crow Flies! Tristan’s voice is very easy for me to write in and I enjoy writing the scheming and trickery and betrayal she’s experiencing in her story. 😈

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: UNINTENTIONALLY? Semper Fortis tbfh like I wasn’t intending the... ah... ~Broken Home~ overtones to be shaded quite that heavy over Rigel’s childhood, it was just kind of a subtle unspoken thing but every now and then I get a comment that makes me go back and reread a section I’ve posted and I’m just like oh. Yeah. I guess that is a Not Quite Right thing for a parent to do/say/etc??? Like whoopsie a lil of the tragic author backstory got projected, my apologies 💀

Biggest Disappointment: Fucking. ICENDIO. That was the first fic I really felt inspired for, and had a full story vision for it in my head, but then I got so excited I posted the first chapter before anything else was finished and now when I look back at it... I feel like I wrote myself into a corner and can’t progress quite how I want to, and it frustrated me all through 2021 bc I really love the long-term vision I had but I feel stuck as to how to get there from the place that I left off in the published chapter lol.

Biggest Surprise: That I updated a fic semi-consistently and it has 12 chapters and is THE LENGTH OF A NOVEL despite not being anywhere near finished?! (Who could have guessed? Not me! paulrudd.gif)

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Throwing a no pressure tag @booty-boggins you beat me to it 😤 @asirensrage @thetenthdoctorscompanion @fictumlibrary @ocfairygodmother if you want to do it!

[zeleniafic]

so no one was gonna tell me minka kelly appears in euphoria as a milf huh?? i just had to discover that FOR MYSELF??

[zeleniafic]

as someone who committed the cardinal sin of shipping both Clexa and Bellarke I literally cannot believe it is the year 2020 and my entire twitter feed is ugly ship war hatred all over again as if JRat didn’t intentionally fuck over BOTH ships

[zeleniafic]

Regulus Black is one of the few characters who are not canonically held to a strict black and white dichotomy of good vs evil. He is proof that you do not have to be entirely selfless or brave to fix your mistakes and choose a better path. Writing stories where he was actually “supposed to be” a Gryffindor or desires to be one cheapens everything about him and his story. In this essay I will-

[zeleniafic]

no one talk to me bc i have done lost my motherfucking mind

[zeleniafic]

me: please may I finish this chapter of the fic I’ve already posted

my brain: *comes up with an entire storyline for an OC for an animated show in a video game universe that absolutely no one is going to want to read*