tai-isnt-real

[tai-isnt-real]

the night that changed my life.

i don’t know why i keep coming back to that one night 3 years ago. i havent dreamt of it again but it is always replaying in the back of my mind. i don’t know how or why i got to that certain point in my dream, but i was in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror when i saw my throat being slowly opened, no one was doing it, all the company i had was mine but the precise cut just gradually appeared out of nothing whilst i still stared in the mirror. i was bleeding? red thick liquid spilled all over my front as i grasped onto my neck and couldn’t breathe. it was horrifying and real. when i awoke i was drenched in sweat and gasping for air with my hands clutching my throat. i still thought it had happend it was so real. i ran to the bathroom to check, getting flashbacks from the dream standing in front of the same mirror. nothing. nothing had happened, i wasn’t dying and i didn’t know how i felt about it. was i sad or happy that it wasn’t real? i can’t tell you the answer to that as me myself will never know. how did it feel so real? i remember the warmth of the blood gushing down my neck and pooling into my hands. it’s never made any sense to me but maybe just maybe it was a warning, maybe my subconscious thought that if i experienced death in a way i genuinely thought was real maybe i wouldn’t want to flee life and just maybe i would’ve lived to see the next day. and too this day i still cant tell if it was real maybe i am just the ghost of the person i used to be.

[tai-isnt-real]

My Heart Aches.

(tw sh is implied)

As my heart starts to ache,

My phone feels heavier in my hands,

The shiny object hidden behind the case,

A curse i caused upon myself,

Voices bounce of the walls of my skull,

Chanting “it’s your fault” “nobody cares for you”,

You are worthless.

Glinting in the light that the moon drowns my bedroom in,

The shiny object.

It’s no longer in the case,

Laying upon my hand not knowing how much agony it’s caused me,

This wasn’t its intended purpose,

But neither was my purpose,

Did i even have one?

The object weighs me down,

My hand trembling under the weight of it,

Suddenly everything goes dark.

Where am i?

Who am i?

Anger?

Sadness?

Empty.

I am a shell.

I awake when the sun says hello it’s harsh beams blinding,

My whole body stinging,

What happened?

What did i do?

Am i alive?

I must be the sting is too real, too familiar,

The mirror greets me with someone i do not know,

Shouldn’t i recognise the figure in the mirror?

I don’t.

[tai-isnt-real]

trees and rain

[tai-isnt-real]

reflections

[tai-isnt-real]

sorrow

[tai-isnt-real]

a lonley street calls your name.

[tai-isnt-real]

plants

the plants we grew together,

through hard times,

through good times,

the plants brought us together,

they grew with us,

i loved those plants,

you did too.

i went to go see the plants today,

they settled there in the soil,

limp and decayed,

i miss the plants,

i miss you.

[tai-isnt-real]

clouds

clouds.

they have the best life,

floating and watching from afar,

not a care in the world.

i wish i were a cloud.

free.

[tai-isnt-real]

ripples

water ripples down the street as leaves fall silently

the aftermath of the storm that attacked the streets one winter night.

[tai-isnt-real]

autumn leaves

autumn leaves fall around my feet,

walking down the street,

i wonder will we meet?

[tai-isnt-real]

rain

we are submerged by rain,

it silenced our minds,

time was unknown,

our clothes no longer dry,

the people dismissed us,

who’s to care

we both love the rain,

with all our heart,

we are pluviophiles.

[tai-isnt-real]

blurred

everything is going fuzzy

it sounds as if i’m submerged in water

the muffled laughs of my siblings

i walk far behind

with an emotionless face

what am i doing in this place?

[tai-isnt-real]

flooding

a million thoughts flood my brain

and i cant come up for air

trapped like a butterfly in the rain

i wonder if they stare?