tasavvur-e-jaana

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Uth ke dekha toh aaine mein daraaren thi, Raat ke ashob mein khud se ladaa tha shayad.

Thi ret faili hui goya dasht si harsun, Daaman takraya hoga raat mein shayad.

Teri sukhan thi mere khoon mein bhi, Jahannam se guzra tha main shayad.

Dil toh dhadak raha tha ek fareb sa, Teri galiyon mein tujhe chhod aaya tha shayad.

Kamra tha tahas nahas meri rooh ke kaabil, Koi bhaari raaz faash kiya tha tune shayad.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

After a long long while

Maybe

Maybe, That’s the problem with it The kind of love we write about, And the sort of love we see,

It’s rainbows after storm, Flawed men making grand gestures- And all, forgiven in the end.

That’s the problem with reality; The end is death Not a director’s cut, or a writer’s climax. Much more morbid, Much less serene.

Cynical beings finding hope, Bad guys being good, Loose ends tied up into a perfect knot, Like the red satin ribbon on the gift.

That’s not the story of life, Though;

Being good is exhausting, Doing it each day, every day… Grand gestures of a lifetime Sparse into a million small tokens for years

It is exhausting, Takes practice, takes a toll- Body and mind alike.

So, don’t come here and tell me you believe in love, Because love, as you see it, Doesn’t exist It’s just an illusion A carrot of hope, Dangling, Distracting you away from the blows of the stick, Which you’re always getting the shorter end of.

Till one day, You too, are, Just a loose end.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

“Why don’t you?” She asks. “Why don’t you keep yourself open to it?”

I know what she’s talking about. She’s my best friend and I can read her like a fucking book. “Open to what?” I feign innocence hoping this topic would end itself. But she is adamant and rolls her eyes at me. She knows the ruse because she’s my best friend and she can read me like a fucking book too.

“Falling in love.” She plays along. She’s dating someone and is in the honeymoon phase of it, the type where love is all around. I am happy for her, but the concern bugs me. The worst thing is she knows me inside out and is acutely aware of how lonely I am. I never confessed to her in so many words but you know- book, me, reading…

“It’s a wonderful feeling.” She nudges.

“It’s a horrible and shitty feeling.” I want to spit it out. The word runs like vitriol in my veins. I want to shout at her “It’s the worst thing that has happened to me. Or could happen to me. Every time I like someone there is an ache in my chest that never goes away. I can never tell them how I feel because eventually, they all leave.”

“I can’t afford it.” Is what I say out loud.

“Is this because you’re asexual?” She asks. Curious. Not judging. It has been a few months since I came out to her. She had been surprised, of course, but at least hadn’t dismissed the fact that asexuality exists like a lot of other people with whom I have had casual conversations about the topic to gauge their reactions to the idea. My mother, for once. And I had shut up.

So, yes it is because I am an asexual and I only want a best friend for life. Who would agree to that? Who would agree to a lifetime of relationship that has everything but sex in it? Because that is what has been drilled into us, since forever that a relationship is just not as meaningful without sex. It is not complete. So, yes, that is one of the reasons. I have tried connecting with people but when I hint that I don’t want anything more, it ends inevitably. And I don’t grudge them that. It only settles the paranoia and loneliness deeper in my gut. And after years of struggling to accept who I am, I desperately wish I were normal.

I nod my head. Her face falls into a frown and there is a hint of pity there. I detest it. “So, what do you want then?” She asks. It is a genuine question. She has barely wrapped her mind around it. I reply, “A best friend for life kinda deal.”

“Oh, I am there for that!” She chirps. Her voice jubilant. I want to believe her, I want to hope she means it but I know better by now. I have lost too many close friends, a couple of best friends even to the throes of romantic love. After a couple of experiences, I just shut off myself from friends who got into a relationship to save myself from heartbreak. And let me tell you, it hurts just as bad as a break-up. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

I smile, a sad little upturn of lips because if I didn’t I would break down. I can already picture losing her. This is one of our last long conversations. The end has begun in my head. I am aware that I am absolutely foolish for this. “You don’t mean that.” The words leave my mouth and she is furious.

“One day I am going to hit you so much that some sense gets knocked into you.” She shouts. I still don’t believe her as I nod in agreement. “Sure,” I say.

She does not let the topic go, though. She is one relentless idiot. “What do you do when you like someone?”

“I wait for the feeling to pass.”

That is what I do. I talk to them if I can battle with the day’s freezing social anxiety, I laugh, I nod along and wait for time to pass. Because eventually, they move on, I know my sentiments would too, with time. Not gone completely, but subdued, controllable, like a withered flower in a book. And I wait for the love to pass.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Mehez kuchh...

//

Lafz falsafe bun ne ki khatir hain kya? Lafz khud ko behlaane ki khatir hain kya? Gham e hasti ke bojh se nikalne ki chaah, Lafz khamosh afsaane chun ne ki khatir hain kya?

Lafz kaatibon ke aalaa jo nahi to hai kya? Lafz shayaron ka niwaala jo nahi to hai kya? Awaam ko jhoote khwaabon mein band kar, Lafz siyaasiyon ke vish ka pyaala nahi to hai kya? Jazbaaton ke bayaanat ke liye aur to kya karoon? Lafz mere khamoshi se kahin ziyaadaa hain kya?

//

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

doston ki aadat lagne se baaz na aaye, khair,

kahin kabhi mulakaat mein alfaaz na aaye, khair,

wahi dil ka tootna, wahi ishq ki tauheen,

muntazir ke haathon wo humraaz na aaye, khair.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

jaan o imaa' ke aage kaun insaan hoga? ya to but hoga, ya phir khuda hoga, meri aatish se na jalne wala wo ishq, ya to aaftab ya to kahkashaa' hoga.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

FINALLY I AM BACK IN WRITING FANFICS!!

The block is over!! wohoooo!!

hopefully you like this, although it is a purely self-indulgent banter between the beautiful friendship :)))

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Loki (TV 2021) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Loki & Mobius M. Mobius, Loki/Mobius M. Mobius Characters: Loki (Marvel), Mobius M. Mobius Additional Tags: One Shot, Friendship, Developing Friendships, Fluff, Soft Loki, Softer Mobius, No Angst, my first ever work with no angst (thank you Mobius), Comfort, this is purely self-indulgent, Banter, Dialogue, YES IT HAPPENS IN AN ELEVATOR, TVA elevator rides are apparently very long hahaha, Drabble, Mobius M. Mobius Wants a Jet Ski, jet ski Summary:

Loki shuffled, his dark locks a mess, one eye sticking to the garish paper, and the other slant, gazing at his captor. Interrogator? Saviour? Definitely not that. He was a god for Odin’s sake. “What?” He asked, pouring all the irritation as dramatically as possible in that single syllable.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

A friend

//

The tale is coming to an end, You are, my last friend. No more reason to cling, Nostalgic; to the times spent.

I can feel it in my bones, We're on stepping stones, No looking back, not yet, to repent Coz the story is coming to an end.

Let the happy ending depend, On the porch where we disband, Memories beneath teary eyelids, 'Tis the chance for dreams to upend.

The tale, fortuitously, is coming to an end. And you, you were my last friend.

//

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Main tumhari chitaa par Tumse milne nahi aaya. Kyon ki main jaanta hoon Ki tum mar nahi sakte.

Ye jo rakh hawa mein udd rahi hai, Wo tum nahi, Ye jo lakdiyaan sulag rahi hain, Wo tum nahi. Jhoota hai woh, Jisne tumhare marne ki sacchi khabar failaayi hai.

Tum ab bhi wo kursi mein ho Jo tumhare mez ke saamne padi rehti hai, Tum ab bhi un kitaabon mein ho, Jinme maine tumhare liye phool chhipaaye the. Yeh soch kar ki tum jab bhi un par haath pheroge, Wo khushboo mujh tak aayegi.

Tum aaj bhi Godavari mein gote lagaa rahe ho, Aaj bhi purani dilli ki sadkein naap rahe ho, Tum Adilabaad ke jungle mein, mere saath… Tum inquilaab ki nas nas mein, watan ke saath…

Wo saal jo tumne naami-badnaami ke zimme guzaare the, Kahaan hain woh sab abhi, Wo din jo tumne virah aur ranj mein kaate the, Kahaan hain woh din sabhi? Mere seene mein sanjot kar rakhe hain saare, Kabhi mann kare toh inhe bhi bahaane chale aana.

Tum zinda ho mujh mein, Chitaa mein main jal raha hoon, Kabhi fursat mile toh Isi nadi ke tat par baatein karne chale aana.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Adhura chaand aur main, Aaj kuchh baki sa hai chand falak mein, Kuchh baki sa main bhi hun.

Isliye nahi ke ab tujhse mulaakat nahi hogi, Isliye kyun ke abr gila ke chhaye hain harsu.

Aaj adhura hai chand falak mein.

Aaj bhi woh intezar mein hai uske chakor ke, Bechara; khud ko ghalatfehmiyon se behlata hua, Khud ko purane kisse aur jhoote dilaase deta hua.

Aaj adhura sa hai chand falak mein.

Kya woh itna bhi nahi jaanta? Kya woh tanhaai bhi nahi pehchanta? Na koi sitaara hoga aaspaas, na koi farishta, Ab toh bas yeh hi hai uski daastan, Uska muqaddar.

Aaj adhura hai chand falak mein.

Aahista aashita, Katra Katra, Pighalna hai use aasmaan mein hi, Jab tak na rahe koi naam-o-nishaan Na jaane koi k chand bhi kabhi hua karta tha, Na roye koi uske liye,

Aaj bahot tanhaa sa chand hai falak main.

Bas woh, maut ka intezar, Aur main.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

peechle dino jo sher post kiya tha uski puri nazm ...

//

Musalsal bolta raha main, khaamosh sunta raha woh, Iss tarah bhi hamari hui hai haar kabhi kabhi.

Makaam chhut te chale gaye, nazar ho kar bekhabar, Zindagi bhi gazab hui hai funkaar kabhi kabhi.

Charaagh jalaaye the humne Ishq ke saikdon, Magar teeragi unpar hui hai bezaar kabhi kabhi.

Nishaan-e-takht-barbaadi se chashm na hat sake, Dao par lagai hui hai tasveer-e-yaar kabhi kabhi.

Khuda ki ibaadat, kaabe ki tamanna chhod di thi kabse, Sajdaa-e-watan mein kaafiri hui hai dushvaar kabhi kabhi.

//

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Tera har khat ab bahaana sa lagta hai, Ae mere dost tu ab anjana sa lagta hai,

Paati teri, alfaaz tere aur likhaai teri, Lekin usmein kisi aur ka fasaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Dhundhe tu ne na aane ke hazaron javaaz, Goya ek mulakaat tujhe jurmaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Hamare ism se hi judi hai hijr ki kahaani, Khwaab-e-vasl ab afsaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Shab-e-gul ki bahaar khizaa mein badal gayi, Woh gulmohar ek khazaanaa sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

Katra katra guzar rahi hai jaavedani ab, Waqt ka taqaazaa ab begaana sa lagta hai. Tera har khat…

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

thehro (stay)

english version below

//

Ek lafz aur sau baatein, Jo zubaan par hai magar keh nahi paate, Thehro.

Sehra ki ret si, band mutthi mein fisalti hui, Shamaa band kamre mein haule se jalti hui, Ek shaam aur sau mulakaatein, Thehro.

Kya haal e dil, kya jaan e sabab, Kya waqt ka taqazaa, kya raahein beadab, Wahi muntazir nagme gungunatey, Thehro.

Bune afsaano ka galaa ghont kar, Aankhon mein harsat, arz honth par, Kehte hue hain alfaaz dagmagaatey, Thehro.

Dehliz ke uss paar kadam e dost hai, Phir tanhaai e aagosh mein soz hai, Ek baar aur charaagh e ashq hain jalaatey, Thehro.

Ek lafz aur saikadon baatein, Kehne ki himmat jo nahi kar paatey, Thehro.

//

One word and a hundred emotions, Buried deep with extreme commotions, Stay.

Slipping as the beach sand through the fingers, An ache makes its home, forever lingers, One evening and a hundred telling actions, Stay.

Constricting the soul with ashened shards, Feelings like gold with dragon as a guard, One string and a million vibrations, Stay.

Massacred fantasies, made up scenes, Dewy eyes, masked faces unseen, One silent request and a million implications, Stay.

A friend whose shadow is out the door, Sound of footsteps fading on the floor, A knife to the heart and thousand lacerations, Stay.

One word and a million emotions, Left unsaid, tumultuous notions, Stay.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Meri pasand, meri raay, meri tadbir, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne. Meri deewaron ka rang, meri parchhaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne.

Mere dost, mere yaar, meri shanasaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne. Meri bandishein, mere haq, meri rusvaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne.

In gulaabi pardon ke aage Siyaah aankhon ki ghataa hai chhai, Lekin meri haqeeqat, meri ruswaai, Sab tay kar liya zamaane ne.

Mahalon ke roshan divan ho bhale hi, Aazadi hai meri zulfon mein mehfooz Yeh baat badi der mein samajh aai Kyun ki sab tay kar liya tha zamaane ne.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

Badi masroofiyat se guzre hain tab itni faariqi tak pahuche hain, Ab mujhe kisi ishq ka kaam laazmi nahi.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

yaad rakh

tere dost ke aur bhi yaar hain, yaad rakh, tere firdaus ke aur bhi dildaar hain, yaad rakh,

jis husn ki aatish mein jalne chalaa hai tu, un haathon ke jaam ke aur bhi khareedaar hain, yaad rakh.

teri namaakul hai hayaat, fakiri tera afsaana, hoor o noor kahan chahti hai aadam e khvaar, yaad rakh.

muda'aa tera, kissa tera jald hi khatm hoga, yahan na koi tera shaharyaar hai, yaad rakh.

tere dost ke aur bhi hain yaar, yaad rakh. mukammal na hoga ishq, dil e bezaar, yaad rakh.

[tasavvur-e-jaana]

apne dil ke hisse yaar dost mein baant diye, kisi ni majboori mein rakha, kisi ne raah mein chhod diya, kisi ne ghabra kar humse, raabta wahin tod diya.

hum raah mein chhute tukde bator laaye, jyo tyo unhe phir saabut banaaye, puraane yaar chhute aur naye aaye, humne wahi afsaane dohraaye…

dil ke tukde hatheli par liye, phir se pesh e khidmat kiye, phir kisi ne dillagi mein rakha, kisi ne nukkad par chhod diya, phir kisi ne hasee uda kar, apnaa muh phir mod liya.