temporarymoods

[temporarymoods]

she clearly doesn't have a problem with being vulnerable: the erotic tale of this blog in my life

coming soon

Kate

[temporarymoods]

mwah

scatch what i said on that last post. idk her. im CHILLINGGGGG!!!

MarMon today: yes I celebrated. you gotta. duh. Patriot's Day-- a Mass thing!? Hilarious.

We went to the race and yelled and screamed and cheered on at various points. Walked a bunch. Got sunburnt in that shallow way, but my nose is pink. It was pretty emotional! So proud of everyone. Kept thinking that this is kind of one of the best things humanity can do. Anyway-- B)

Got sambas, lmfao?! Trying to look like a boy. Followed by some really good pasta. and then trying to look like a girl. i went to a frat! for the first time! i got champagne on my sambas. christened. the person who clocked me as queer at the party said "christened" after i had minutes prior. yeah. a good thing

- - i know the gender thing of it is ridiculous but for some reason my soft complicated body craves that sexual weirdness between men and women and particularly these young men and women in that..disgusting atmosphere. a disgusting atmosphere. really hungry for that generalization.. it's true. im really attracted to men

other than that^ being tough,

i went DANCINGGG!!!!!1!1!11!!11!!

and I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!!!111!1

What a GREAT night!!! i can't put into words how amazing i feel even though that is why i came here...shucks. has the moment past? did i spend too much time on the queue?

My foot is sore as I type this. I came home so inspired and read up on country swing vs other kinds (I knew jazz swing was the thing, and swing dancin aint line dancin !) then i listened to a lot of good music:

Slow Dancing - Aly & AJ * total classic for me lmao. damn they have the best spotify top 5

Let's Get Married - Bill Elliot Swing Orchestra * when i didn't yet understand that i had to look up **country** swing music. now i know ;) god i cant wait to go again

-- what is it?! i think its that i really love to dance, to move my body, to try and get it right, to improve? to be good? to have fun in a choreographed way. to conform. the do the correct thing. idk

here's what i think its really about: i think i like smootheness. and i like the click of a phenomenon you can't pull a word for. and short counts. and intention. and shape. mostly shape. beat, sure, too. i like beat. i like rising to it, and not tiring. i dont know how i get so obsessed. i need to go back. that was exactly what ive been looking for for months, and what i thought i found but only got in part in the club, which i go to for the dancing, the loud music, the blindingness. but i dont contribute there. my ears are filled but the sound can only vibrate me a little. im not, swung, literally. and i cant provide energy to the space like you can witcha boots awn. so yeah, i think thats really it. dancing. i fucking love dancing. ive always fucking loved dancing. for real! really! i never got that good, yeah. but i fucking loved it thats for sure. i always wanted someone to actually teach me shit. they didnt do that enough in theatre. maybe they did. maybe i just wasnt that talented. not now though. dead. fucking. ass. just input my entire work calendar that i have access to because this shits getting real my life is mine and theres fan fucking tastic things to be doing with it.

alright...i could continue...i'll pick up the rest in my dairy ;* not gonna get too personal, phew. uhm. eh hem.

That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain

Tequila - Dan + Shay

End of Beginning - Djo * lmao i got on this because i saw some interview w him online as im jamminggugghh i got sucked in. then all this happened:

Change - Djo * so much better than the one blowin up btw

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics, etc * i looked up more songs like Change :| hahaha. then all this happened:

Lifetime - Yves Tumor

Pop Song - Perfume Genius

Here Comes the Rain Again - Eurythmics, etc

Here Comes Your Man - Pixies

Eye in the Wall - Perfume Genius

Boys - Amen Dunes * at this point my original mission is fucked. the intention's gone. i'm so far from where i started: country lovin

at the same time the joint i rolled before we went out and shared on the way home is getting its way through my system for sure. its approaching 2am, woah! full day tomorrow but not nearly as inspired at this one. this one's literally how you're supposed to live . well maybe beer not getting stolen at the bar mmmm. mhm. yeah i'll tack that on as well.

i didnt, dont, want to let go of tonight skrrreorgihveouhv!!!! uuuummm! yeah i should keep thinking about it. : ) : ) hehehehehe

Man! I Feel Like a Woman! - Shania Twain

<3 , so much ;)

Kate

[temporarymoods]

worst week of the year

hey blog

theres so much i want to tell you and would rather be feeling right now e.g. my truth about being nonbinary and graduating and moving and finishing college and new music and new inspirations and volunteering and all those thoughts about the world and cooking-- but right now i just feel like shiiiiiit.

nothing profound, barely edited stream of consciousness, about:

insecurity

it's so hitting sometimes. and i try to come up with why and i figure a couple things: stress. not sleeping great. hormones (follicular phase). the weather (gloomy). anxiety (but that's the same thing as insecurity). not eating great. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. reading into things. losing the male gaze. needing so badly different clothes.

it's the worst when it manifests socially like this. like the most negative voice in your head narrating-- why? i know it's just as easy to switch to another. so why do i have these tendencies to slip into the worst of it? just wired that way? why do the low moods have such a moving character? maybe its not that big of a deal. but for days i have felt awful. and i cant even communicate that properly to the people that love me because its too much- its really just too much to launch into. and so i need a long chat before i can move any of this weight off me. so im here. <3

i know i dont suck. but sometimes i guess i do. or i could. so i worry about being lost-- about other people losing me, in a concerned-for-myself way. and i think about how utterly pointless this post is because girl, you're not saying anything that hasn't already been sai across the world.

that's nice. this shit isn't unique. but whe no one talks about it it kinda feels like everything is fine for everybody. and when i'm doing fine i see that that's true in a sense. everyone's lives are so cool even when theyre bad. no need to compare because we're really on the same page. just need to remember that. the equalness. the sameness of the value of all of our lives, of my life in particular. it is not less it is not less. dear reader i can only say in plain words and ask you to believe me that the "but"s come up so strong there. "it is not less" does not sit without protest, and riot again. i don't want to lie, so opens up the possibility that "it is not less" is not true... you may see how the facilitation of this dialogue weighs on me.

judging myself for all that i don't do. so much love so little do, i think. but then i dont have time. because im a student. and that kills me. been slowly killing me for years. once i decided i wouldnt die the killing only got slower, subtler. what a drain on the spirit. you ask anyone, hopefully, they will tell you, college has not been for me. but in college i have found pieces of life that could be, that would be. i feel closest to them now. but what if ive been lying? what if my lines i repeat against this fucking institution have just been An Excuse? for not living... that's terrifying. that i'm a phony. that im really just a loser !! we'll see i guess. what a pressure. what a chance.

feeling so limited in so many ways . in the gender fashion way (and with those two words im done speaking on this). in the free time way, of course. my friends inspire me when they do things that are simply joyful. smart. so smart. can't afford to give myself those pleasures right now. i want to soon. i so, so want to. and i hope that when this all goes away i wasn't lying and i can. the kind of thing that you cant test or experiment on without replicating exact conditions, so the kind of thing you can't really ever know until you're there: if life gets better.

i think there are things about me that i need to fix. first: stop using i/me/mine. unpack that. i dont think its actually like that. like probably shut the fuck up and stop THINKING!! about yourself. but also---- this is important---- think about yourself more and do a much better job upon reflection, please. tweak. and edit. and abolish. yesss, yes. then you'll get it.

at least i am so far from my potential. like, that's a good thing. there are so many things i can do. thats empowering an i think about that a lot because its part of my self therapy prompt. i think ive talked about it on here before but in case i didnt/as a refresher, when i journal for efficacy it usually starts with "i'm feeling [fill in blank.] i can do something about this!" literally. like i make myself write that sentence every time. kind of geen, would recommend. works. having agency rules. having a tendency to forget i have agency sucks. something to work on something to build.

and of course ive come a long way. for the worst week of my 2024 its not that bad of a week, like woah. really puts it into perspective. things could suck so much badder. thank Fucking god. im really fine. its really fine. phew. the future is chilling, honest, if only because i have so much knowledge er wisdom about how to be happy. and cuz of logistics. we good. i love my people and they love me and like its fiiiine and im cool. the present aint bad i just need to do my homework, that's all, really. i just need to do it and now that i've typed all of this out i feel a bit better like i can. in pavement. rn. bagel sandwich on mom. gift card from christmas/my bday, cool. iced vanilla latte matching the classic vibe. i am but a collection of past selves, my life built upon other versions, wearing these fuckass old clothes in a new body is kind of the human condition. changing and having to catch up to it. we're in that gap of time where things havent updated or refreshed. the part in second puberty where its not actually done yet. theres actually more to come and youre in that transitional phase. thats what this is. another one of those. things just arent figured out or settled or that comfortable because im too busy to make them better or good and thats just what it is right now and thats fine because there is definitely an end to this. 2 weeks, whatever. i can make it two weeks at not-my-best. which is wild to say because i was literally feeling my best like a week ago, so, what? that's what this fucking blog is all about. kateworld changes so fast. its all temporary.

catch you on the upswing

Kate

<3

[temporarymoods]

ive come so far

theres so much i can do now that i couldnt before

i check my email every day -- notifications are turned on for the app, and when im on my computer i click the tab out of habit a bunch

let's sit with that. those that know, know that's huge.

i've grown a lot in my ego strength, or weakness, or whatever -- whichever one means i dont let shit thats not about me be about me, ultra not jealous kind of thing

feels good

when i can hold it (most often recently)

i can also cook with intuition more now, or almost -- almost

its just a quicker go back to that Place. like the block got shorter, so the walk home takes less time; i'm never that far away

🎶 Currently Listening To: In The City by CharliXCX ft. Sam Smith, a truer callback to last semester

how do i get past my one-sentence thoughts? [my joint is pink right now]

honestly,

honestly,

I love Movies

no

honestly,

things have been oddly individual lately, for me, but not in a bad way! like, im so accountable for me, and just me, and i dont really have that unending access with anyone, because, single and meaning it, and so i'm alone in that private part of life but so touching shoulders in everything else! there is so much company, and its all so pleasant, so i'm good, i'm good, but -- hehe !!!!! -- it's just me bitch.

is that bad? no, really. everyone is [actively] always their own person, anyway, and all of those stories are somehow of the same size, and yours exists in the ring, too. i wanna get deep on this blog. but having any sort of vulnerability is so weird even though thats exacting the craving!!!!

quality time recently has been so delightful. thank you to my 1 on 1s out there. i love you guys

all for now,

k8

[temporarymoods]

aggressive hey

i always promise so much.

rarely do i fail to deliver.

except when it comes to writing.

i'm not even sure what i want to write about now, but i guess a couple things right off first:

haven't posted to the blog in a while

have thought about it a lot ever since (throughout november, december and winter break, the first two months of the spring semester, + a week)

just can't sit down and do it sometimes

but I've got a lot of ideas. lack of blog posts absolutely not correlating with lack of things to say...

i utilize my notes app extensively, there's some ideas there, but i don't want to go in at random, that would feel wrong and i couldn't maintain this meter of writing that i'm already doing, so.... Dune.

just learned about what's going on with Dune, in the Dune world, and so on. first attempt at watching the movie a couple years ago left me feeling silly but, i'm better now. i want to read the book over the summer, in a hammock. there are a lot of things i want to do this summer. those are all over my notes app, too, and on my wall. i don't think "dating" makes the list, though girls remain pretty.

SUMMER * dinner parties, on the porch, heavily curated * farmers markets, fresh produce w/ baked goods * indirect sunshine * direct sunshine * shrooms * sand * biking * the movies w/ a sweatshirt around my waist * a bong, graduation present to self * better clothes * movies, at home tho, lots * ice cream * camping and lake swimming * working * walking through the park * the hardware store (for what?) * feeling like i did it * sports games (spectator)

that's just naming a few. hopefully a lot of them can come true. i want to let my body feel good, it knows what to do, you know?

speaking of: dry sex life. mostly. but that's just on me, my doing, so i cannot really complain, but just state. for future record. that im still in my contented-single era, haven't quite hit the wall that keeps you bothered about it yet. cool cool. guess some time w a stranger couldn't be that bad, if i made it fun for me. what a weird concept. i love my friends, that is already so much. saw a corny tweet about that today. didn't like it because it would show up on friends' feeds and that's just,, ugh. true though

february was kind of ungovernable (what else can i say besides 'crazy' or 'wild'???) in a bitches testing me way (lmao) but no in a... here, see for yourself: [from my notes]

<<Feb 1st, downhill instantly>>

Feb 4th>>

Priorities 

Comfort and Wellbeing

Feb 6th>>

Sick email

Hi Prof,

This is Kate from your ( ) class. 

Just writing to let you know that over the past couple days I’ve been experiencing symptoms of a medical emergency. 

Feb 19th>>

i feel like peopke have been pretty critical with my recently and i dont like that 

>>

lowkey infuriated

>>

el tuesday [these are things I write down that I wanted to talk to el about on tuesday]

having to defend myself a lot recently

maybe i should cut my acts (self centered, crazy/stupid) (dramatic, unserious) [REDACTED]

would normally want to talk to a therapist about my natural desires to do things that feel important to me but are deemed odd/wrong by others ex. [REDACTED] but also wouldn’t normally pick such a birds eye topic because we get engrossed in the little things. but still: is there something fucking wrong w me? is it bpd? am i 2 hippie 2 quit?

doing things for the plot, to experience things (different)

my whole idea of human relationships in general 

Feb 21st>>

blog

was very overwhelmed this morning— hadnt felt that anxious in a loooooonggg time!!— but lunch w gray and lab partner (liz?) was so beautiful & im like, again, omg i love life + my friends ☀️☀️🌞🌞

Feb 23rd>>

Mom - therapy hospital $$

Feb 29th>>'

“By anarchist spirit I mean that deeply human sentiment, which aims at the good of all, freedom and justice for all, solidarity and love among the people; which is not an exclusive characteristic only of self-declared anarchists, but inspires all people who have a generous heart and an open mind.” Errico Malatesta, Umanita Nova, April 13, 1922

* * *

so that's that... i think hopefully that says a lot, captures a feeling. i knew it was a month to remember like halfway through, you know? and it ending with a 1 year breakup anniversary... classic. reflective. so glad it's march though, damn! haters were taking up too much space. i say that jokingly obviously but also if you dare to read through the lines you might observe that i am in fact quite upset about the attacks leveraged at me over the course of a couple nights in a short span of time that were all off base and random and yet still hurtful anyway it was a weird pattern there's no denying! it doesnt help the identity crisis, which is in FULL SWING !

who am i?

idfk man. let's consult the March notes app, shall we?

March 1st, 3am>>

dont like cleaning bc dont like confronting the waste i make

March 1st, 2pm>>

in love a little bit with a handful of my friends but for various reasons dating them is not in the question & will never be! how relieving to know that

March 6th>>

Candlelit charcuterie night 

* * *

feel like these don't shine as bright but they're certainly better. im supposed to get my period today and i had no idea. but wait let me clarify that you should not take that second note to mean that i have feelings for my friends i do not, just read it another way idk

music been good recently.

rn its 2018 peach pit (Drop the Guillotine) but that's definitely not representative. Lime Garden's album One More Thing is though. and Grimes still, if im not doing that persona enough. and Car Seat Headrest, but in an on wait - always way. like a fucking brother. rest of the good shit is just in my Liked Songs kind of at whim. special selection: Chosen to Deserve by Wednesday. Next up should be RINA bc alr found 2 songs on there I really enjoy. but even now im off hyperpop for a week, lmao. what happens when you go camping.

towel party next week aunt in the hospital mom visiting in like 1 second more job interviews tomorrow research to do havent unpacked yet its spring break i just keep getting high and getting through it i really do love my friends

there's probably so much about this life that i'm going to miss. and i look forward to the time where i actually have the space to consider that. more choice

a poem to close us out, and maybe i'll upload some pictures tomorrow. (haha, odds?) thanks for reading. just off the radio show juice, Fri Mar 8 3:20am. common time for me recently. stealing back my peace in the wee hours oft'

i heard symphonies who wouldn't let me sleep the everysound of rain on wood my ear on wood the same

i taste dairy soft despite my body taking my time i do not think

scratching at my head i can do this this i can do which lets me cave in

i laugh a lot it makes me cry a lot of tears a lot of love

i love sooooooo ( ) all to say ( )

<3, Kate

[temporarymoods]

the 13th

its midnight on friday october 13. i'm on my porch-- you know what that means. im bundled up. i overdressed. its quite mild outside. i dress in anticipation, with hope of the cold to come. my scarf smells of mildew. googled what mildew means. maybe its not,, anyway. reminds me of my grandma. she bought me this scarf, and its a really nice one.

i just submitted a take home midterm for geometry. half the questions easycake half too hard

* * *

it's the next tuesday now, i'm in writing class. (i just need to get this post out there.) yesterday my therapist said that it was something to celebrate that i was able to sit with the imperfection of submitting that exam on friday night, and of not entirely finishing the book i had to read for a different class earlier that day. she's right! my life didn't totally fall apart when i only managed to read 4.5/6 chapters. and i'm gonna be fine in math. but it was uncomfortable, for sure. so that was a weird night.

i think its partly because there's a fear of it coming back [the depression]. remission might be a better word than recovery, she said. because it's not in my control, really. but i still keep trying to make certain the uncertainty. to curb my own successes with unforgiveness.

* * *

sunday night i wrote this poem:

it's about being feeling a little lonely. moreso wanted to capture how i was doing right then and there, what i thought about my life from the vantage point of that exact moment. i like how it turned out. need to do it more need to do it more

gtg, but talk soon, k8

[temporarymoods]

"relax" time

hey bloggggerooni,

you're intercepting me in my personal time. you see, i've been employing apple calendar-- i cannot reccomend her enough-- and 10:07 PM puts us in the block of time labeled "Relax" and colored purple. I could do anything in these next two hours. And I decided to get a little high and talk to you.

<3

I haven't smoked in a while, it's true! Especially alone. A girl does not have the time. But I've been looking forward to it, knowing its at the priority list, but if I can just,, do enough,, to reach it. Lmao. I meant it when I said I've been busy.

Unfortunately, I've got so much, too much, sativa. I know, I know, so lame; shut up about weed strains. But I had to say it?! Why did I go crazy. Why did I do that. Lol. Anyway, the only non **wake up** product got with me is this hyrbid flower. Didn't even get the chance to think about rolling by the time I see this beautiful little blue bowl. Honestly viewer, I forgot where I got it from. Thus prompted the following one-handed-ly-typed note:

wherr did i get. t his bowl

I take notes a lot, when I'm awake. About lots of things, right. Here's another:

- directory ,, crm/?

So know they're (me) talking about those personal communications file flippers. Do you know the old ones? Where 90s business professionals used to keep track of how long its been since they last intereacted with a person? Boy have those had an effect on me. Why do I think about those all of the time. I just wished upon mine, but alas, it does not exist.

I've been thinking a lot today, yesterday. So much, in comparison to how much I've been looking at myself. Very little. So much so, that when I go to get a little high and on my porch with my blog, as a treat, hehe, and I see my reflection in the facetime app, it gives me pause. I am a person, I am a human, I'm one of them, the rest of them, who you think about all the time. And you've got people. Wait, who are those people? And how are they doing?

That might be something I need to do more.

- - -

Welcome to K-Ray94.4, this is your DJ Kate. For your considering, the following, without further ado...

Hawks | Jodi

Rubberneckerss | Christian Lee Hutson

End of Beginning | Djo

Salvation Army | Harrison Whitford

Calling the Shots | Jamie B.

Horable Mention: I'd Have to Think About It | Leith Ross

Guys, gals, pals, despite love, despite commitment, despite trust, I can not get myself to listen to anything other than indie/folk right now.

I'll be back, though, I'll be back................

That one bowl went berserk. Another? she asks.

Trader Joe's chocchip muffin for now, thanks.

Part of me's been wanting to change the theme on here, super randomly. Like it's too bright. I really like the old Microsoft look, haha, but want something darker...? Or I'm clinging to a passing vampirism fetish?

I can see the glowing lights of the city skyline from here. They're twinkling, like jewels, through the new gap in the tree foliage. Soon there will be more of them, and I'll have a warm drink, a scarf and mittens. I look forward to those times.

Lots to look forward to. !! :)

I've been liking these thoughts so far, catching their flow through time. I like writing; i just always get so scared.

Until soon, very soon, as there's lots to discuss, Kate 10/10/23 10:31PM

p.s. playlist 'momtober'

[temporarymoods]

taking care

Hi blog, don't think I've forgotten about you! I've just been so busy, and then I got sick, even though I didn't want to admit that I was under the weather at first. Now I'm waiting for my period to come, and every month it's so tantalizing. There's this very parade-y buildup, I mean the PMS is quite rough, and it all starts like 7-10 days beforehand, but then just as it's supposed to crest, everything stops. There's a calm before the storm, which without fail has me begging for it all to hit me already!! Part of my eagerness has to come from the fact that I am more prepared than the army for such an onslaught of destruction. Think of a way of collecting period "blood"--- guarantee you I have it, in its most organic form no less. Tampons? Check, with clean cotton. Pads? Multiple kinds, with magic powers. Cup? Yup. Technical underwear? They're actually great, and I own three pairs. I guess every month I just go rando with my method. Maybe switch it up on day 3 (definitely, actually.) My old therapist, the one who was a bit too woo, told me that your period is a gift, in a way: Built-in self-care time, or rather a cleansing, a purging, when deep covered 'stuff' can come to the surface, and you can solve it. I think she thought that cramps were the direct consequence of emotional/spiritual turmoil which was on the sufferer to figure out. Safe to say I haven't taken that last one with me, but the rest sticks, kinda. The idea that you can make something out of once-nothing is not lost on me, as we know. So, being able to ceremonify your period, yeah sure, I'm there. Definitely, actually. Rituals! Greater understanding! Problems and solutions! All make for quite a nice moment. Plus, even though so much about my period does fucking suck, and that's for me, privileged white lady, it means my body's working, and that's not just a given. I remember after my surgery when everything kinda started going again like a system reset, I got my first period a couple of months later. Overjoyed because it meant I was finally normal and healthy and on track with my life, as opposed to fallen off in a ditch, where I had been for too long. This history certainly informs my current affinity for my period--- and, not the be forgotten, the joy not being pregnant :) So, like every other fourth week, I'm kind of looking forward to the spectacle.

Meaning-making is like sticking your hands in a sandbox. Or more like fetching water nearby to make the world malleable under your touch.

Coziness, fuzziness... I've taken these things for granted. I appreciate nmte (now more than ever) the stereotypical, tropey acts such as wearing slippers. "It's what women do," I've known for a long time. But I never felt like them. I've always struggled with leaning into an under-blanket kind of night. But I get it now. And I should really be embracing it more-- being in bed, wearing thick socks, living in sweats. Maybe I'm tired. But you don't need to be exhausted to rest. And resting, squeezing that orange of living for a drop of sweetness, what more could we be here for?

I desire more sweaters. I'm going to a fall festival at a farm soon; it will surely be the highlight of my month. This peach tea I'm currently sipping is very nice. My apple candle is bright smelling and perfect. I love that I get to sleep, and dream (so I can wake up and realize it is not real.) One of my dear friends is flying to visit for the long weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to a new cafe, which I've managed to make a habit of. Schoolwork is tough, but it will be over soon, and my everyday will blossom better. I owe some texts to my mom. The air was warming tonight. A newly discovered sustainable fashion brand had a great sale; a package will be arriving soon. There's a list of movies I'd like to watch this month, when I've got time in between open markets and thrifting. I've been asked on a date, but nervous to respond. The silhouettes of my room decor reflects how much I care about this bedroom setting, bringing me peace. I'm glad I got to blog again, even if it feels overwhelming. Hopefully my Depop listings will reach the right people.

What would be the first step in securing safe absences for those dealing with menstrual pain, really, where would we even start? I'd love to get some acquaintances around and discuss this. How would I do that?

Haha, Kate

p.s. brain noisy, pillow time

[temporarymoods]

almost october

[seething]

i tried a quiche today, at a cafe clearly customer-ed by rich people. i couldn't quite place why the baristas were like, colder than normal, but after a couple minutes of surveying their patronage i was like oh.. yeah. :( this is not the scene i'm used to!

anyway, it's night now. and you won't believe the set-up in my room. little context first: my congestion has been crazier than normal, sinuses just all out of whack, nostrils closing and opening at will. the left nose hole was like, dry today or something, so the corresponding left back of my throat was sore this evening. idk the actual cause and effect here, but maybe someday soon i'll educate myself on the anatomy of it all. anyway, i have too many important things happening over the next couple of days and i can't get sick or have any pestulancies (made-up word)!! since i had already steam-bathed myself over a cup of tea post-homemade-fish-taco-dinner, and it was kind of nice, i had some empirical evidence supporting the idea that adding moisture to my air & sleeping in that for hours would make a kind of difference, so, time to bust out the humidifier! but then-- the air purifier. hmmm, you see i wake up and sneeze every morning because of fucking dust or something idk. mold?! so i've been living with my new baby as we know...but would it dry out my new air? has it been? all thoughts i've had in the last 20 minutes. anyway, i go to fill up my humidifier with water, bam, she's working right away. i put her next to my bed and turn to the air purifier at the foot of my bed, turn it on. WHY IS IT READING AT 100?! oh mygod she turned on and boom numbers start flying up. what?! its normally at like...1. maybe 002. but we flew past the 70s into the 90s and past 100?! (don't ask me what it's measuring, idk, but number bigger = badder) so i was shocked! i ran her last night, with really no need! steady low numbers, even with/after candle burning. then wasn't in my room all day! maybe left my door open for a moment this evening... so that's an unsolved mystery. but i think ugh maybe the humidifier is too close to my bed, i don't want to get wet dirty air. so the two machines are now both at the foot of my bed, sharing the rug <3 sisters <3 so cute <3 and i am well taken care of. thank you, machines! please keep me healthy! (lol just realized the mug of tea i made a while ago is also still quite warm because of my electronic mug hahaha. that's so chic)

that was a lot of dumbness. but it excites me. what else. i had a proper adventure today. so much was inspiring me and filling my bucket i just had to write it down at the beginning of my afternoon class. let's take a look at the notion, shall we?

here's the translation:

i saw a young child at thinking cup newbury. we vibed. tweeted about it. go check (there's a secret passageway on here)

self-explanatory, also, i was there for a rent check

self-explanatory, 2 toast and a sauce please

first quote me staring convo, second quote dude whose smile made my day saying bye; support UFCW !! they gave me a sticker & a pin :D

just checking in...doing my rounds................garnering intel....

same thing.......let a girl be......

wanted to remember this bc it felt like i was on a streak of kindness from strangers :)

self-explanatory, second point true asf

saw a rifle for the first time in a long time! turns out i can recognize that hint of white taped wood anywhere

so that's what i did. what was i thinking tho? good question. got a list for that too.

been watching a lot of movies recently. finished she's the man tonight, actually. weird as fuck, like straight up. if i did star ratings it would only get 2

coming soon :0

didn't yet (pay my credit card. lmao)

new wes anderson flick

also for my watchlist, thanks sapphic twitter

10 year pure heroine anniversary, was gonna tweet about it

coming soon :0

paper i want to read, taken from paper i read about south dakota native american abortion politics in 2006

god. when does she stop making lists...never.

silly

thinking i would

got too many eggs, want sweet treats, mad scientist therapy, etc.

secret (i want a way to store my homemade salad dressings)

pillies

so i've got a lot going on, internally and externally. big woo. have to get up so early tomorrow-- i shouldnt be up right now-- to go to a catholic training about protecting god's children, mandatory for before i begin tutoring writing once a week at an in-need private school. awkwarrddd for the church! (it's about child sexual assault prevention.) curious to see how they approach the subject. but its early as fuck and a 20 minutes drive away. watching pretty little liars right now though and the two cunty moms are discussing divorce and dating again, lmfao. this show cracks me up. i told the elevator pitch version of my parents' divorces story today, only to realize i hadn't really talked about it in a while. a long while. not something i think about, those couple of months. shit was kind of...idk. don't think i have the right word.

i should get goinggg now. i know!! such a shame. isn't it so fun to read all these details?! it's fun for me to write them. i want to remember somehow.

w/ love & sustained interest in life, talk soon, about teaching, and other things, Kate

p.s. i've been taking some pretty pictures, will share soon xo

[temporarymoods]

lock it

lock it, lock-lock it, lock it, lock it, unlock it 🎶

i love charlixcx's music. that is just a fact about me. i have listened to the bottoms soundtrack top to bottom (pun not intended) twice now, and i've seen the movie like...almost...5 times. i bought the hd digital on friday when it came out-- can i just say best decision ever? i have just been walking around the world, on the bus, in the rain, streaming the fuck outta that shit. i love it!! i also watched shiva baby & juno, both incredible. maybe i just like watching little films or i really know how to pick 'em! thinking maybe the latter. gotta come up with a new lineup, sticking to theme. currently halfway through jennifer's body and i don't love it but i think needy & chip are supacute. what else though? definitely fight club, maybe debs, wet hot american summer, she's the man, clueless. yeah, nice.

as for other things, my therapist is pregnant, ah! and i've been thinking about pregnancy about as much as i normally do, a bunch. for a class paper i interviewed my mom about when she was having me. that was cool, and really gorgeous on the whole. i need to do that more, just call people up and question them. i really love that, i really really do. i wish that was a career-- i thought about being a biographer the other day, honestly would kill it. and maybe even enjoy it. but i should keep it a side thing, where i have full control over the shape of the project. in general i don't think people are heard enough. i've seen it make a difference for kids, when i ask them about their opinions or experiences and really listen. they've said stuff like "you're different. you actually care about what we have to say." that was hard to hear!

on a similar note, i got too in my head about this blog a couple days ago when i started telling people it's up. but i'm gonna stop mentioning it and take comfort in the fact that my first three posts are probably going to stay the most-viewed. slay (suppressing urge to reread them again because they were never meant to be that performative!) new addition to my lexicon though: noise. when i was caught up the other day, and not just about my silly writing on the internet haha, it was like a bunch of different moods were intersecting. i couldn't quite intellectualize my emotions, couldn't settle on the right thing to do to help myself. i know that mood, when its not one thing-- it's noise. and movement is the answer. sigh, it was really hard. and articulating it in session today was also difficult. but i'm filling in the gaps in my wisdom bit by bit.

what else? this is worth remembering: i went on journey over the weekend, and part of it featured giving my extra slice of pizza to a bookstore worker (so glad i did the weird 'does anyone want this?' thing) following by a lot of candle sniffing. purchased a great one, perfect fall scent, which means a lot to me. my new air purifier also means a lot to me, it's so cool! watching the numbers go up, then down, after i've blown out a match, is quite the hoot.

room still sanctuary, even though it's a bit messy. it's me. just like the rest of my life. far from perfect, but not that far. within reach, but stable. everything just kind of neutral. turns out i struggle with that grey area too. not having a great day, but not having a shit day? uncomfortable!! will get better at that. will also get better at knowing that one step backwards does not mean i'm back at the beginning.

🎶 cuz iiii caaan't help, turning my looove into pain! 🎶

i know that i can reach that upper layer, that immersive self-actualized state, at any point in the day, if i live in alignment with the present moment within the greater picture. that sounds so spooky, i know, but all i mean is that there is peace inside of me to reach, at all times! like if i try hard enough, i can really take the best care of me. knowing this is a double edged sword, because i get disappointed when i fail to do the best job.

that's about that for now. i can tell, via app and tummy sensations, that my period's a-comin'. next week turn up !! then it's gonna be a great way to start october, genuinely.

xoxo, Kate

p.s. this past saturday was my first one 'off' in 5 weeks !! i'm a bit of a busy dude it seems. and a little prone to slumping (slept the fuck IN) hehe

[temporarymoods]

bad spirit

hi blog, missed you too. yesterday was a really good day, I realized by the end-- more on that later. well today started quite nicely, too, but right now there's a dark swirl in my chest and I wish it would just leave me alone.

i don't try to be angry, but a lot of the time i just am. this really only hurts me. i get miserable and sad about it. sometimes i figure my irritability is my body's way of telling me it's hungry or tired, so i feed it, and break. and yet

writing this was a good idea-- i can already tell its starting to doze off, just a little. still i'm mad at a bunch of things. you can imagine the vectors shooting out from behind my ribs in a plethora of directions, sharp and targeted. mostly at people, i guess, or circumstances. big difference, i know. but whatever. on one hand, i house all these weird values and general angst. on another, you could just call me sensitive. (i might have once cried, haha, but it's true.) tendency to get feelings hurt-- is this not all of us?! i think about my trauma, as compared to his and hers and theirs and yours, and a rough sense-making picture emerges; i don't talk about this with anyone, really, not my therapist, not myself, but i guess there's no harm in mentioning here that i wasn't the most well-supported when upset growing up. i feel that i'm bent out of shape.

anyway, enough! i don't feel super comfortable talking about how i process things weird/poorly/not at all. i'm supposed to be the friend that's always processing, lmao. about that. actually no. never mind.

back to the angry cat in my thoracic cavity-- she's gray and black, her hair is standing on end, and she's really tiring me out. what has pissed me off to such a degree that i had to abandon this afternoon's schoolwork quest on rough-start terms and pop open tumblr.com? well maybe that's not for you to know, blog. just kidding, i'll cut a slice of the cake for ya.

marching band (cue audience reaction) takes a lot of time & effort from me, and i don't get a ton in return. that's one reduction! much more within the honestly painful & complex situation to discuss but, no... that! scratch uno. scratch dos? the repairs around my apartment have been completed rather shoddily; net-zero outcomes, i say, pessimistically-upon-reflection; there are just as many problems as there were before our requests were handled, i exaggerate. on the real, that's just annoying, sorry. sorry i'm being a bitch, idk, blame my other, more serious, home security trauma that i'm not going to get into right now/you just have to take my word for! ugh, god, so bad at this. that's the other thing though, i thought while making pizza for snunch (snack lunch)-- why do i feel like a bitch all the time?

answer: either i) i am or ii) i'm crazy

this is where i, if presently corny (i can practically hear the nodding), get even more so-- this is why i really do want to know what people think of me, because at default i have some of the worst answers. common themes: exhausting, rude, unserious. i mean, fuck!!!

(thank you mother phoebe waller-bridge for the 'bad feminists' line and for your pronunciation of 'cafe', while we're here)

so, what? i feel badly about myself, sometimes people make me feel bad about myself, and separately, i might just be a horrible person. lmao. let's go with curtain 3-- ass scenario, but what can i even do? the thought is to go away, as much as possible. convenient, given that's what i do when i'm in a mood, like right now. isolate, then stay: that kind of sucks. and is pretty dumb. which brings us to the 'reform' option, i.e., get better, in the moral sense.

i've been reading this reproductive justice book and it's got me feeling like i've got the right outlook on things. like, god, i'm so glad this work is letting me see the world more clearly; like i actually have the real knowledge to do something about all this crap. as i walked so serenely to campus this morning (dressed perfectly, empty mug in hand because i just walked out of the house with a sip left in her,) i was listening to an audiobook version of the text. along the way i found an id card on the ground, brought it to the library. saw a familiar face outside the building, thought "oh that's the grad student labor organizer i didn't have time to talk to the other day, let me see if i can help" and ended up hailing down strangers to vote for the next better part of an hour before class. glad they're getting their union! at least that made me feel good about what i do to this world.

kind of done writing now. here are the last thoughts.

i wonder if i do too much alluding on this blog? i mean, i'm gonna make the link publicly available soon and using the adjective "dramatic" to describe kate only flies with my mental health some days. i don't... idk. this is my art!

finally::: maybe im pasing ! and maybe my good friend from high school will visit me in october ! and maybe i will learn to talk all of the time the right way ! maybe, leaves will turn orange, and fall, and everything will be alright.

cya, kate 9/21/23

p.s. post playlist: - opener: a thread to find, shannon lay - damn, ada lea - eye on the bat, palehound - my love mine all mine, mitski - finale: big girls dont cry, fergie

[temporarymoods]

perpetual novice

hey blog, i've thought about you every day since i made you, and i couldn't quite settle on what to feed you next, but like, whatever!

at this moment in our arena, please welcome me and my haircut (!!) and the girls on tinder and jane: an abortion service, plus the sophie lewis book on my nightstand I could practically draw "z"s above, (that's my bad.)

blog, I'd like to take the time to say that I've been feeling vulnerable when it comes to queer dating! because obviously, but also because of perceived external judgement from within the community, ow. looked in the mirror my therapist held up for me and saw that I'm much more comfortable with my gender than my sexuality, after being asked to spell it all out. this is, not in terms of definition-- we're solid there-- but praxis. and i think this is because gender is something you can do more fully alone in your bedroom. sexuality is too, but at least people can demand more than your word for it. right? haha

yeah, been falling in love with this unreal image of a gay relationship i have in my head. eye contact and shit, you know. and more 'equal' stuff, including but not limited to a kind of greater understanding and intentional kindness. still really mad about the patriarchy, who would've guessed? bunch of guys were talking with my one man professor, who is great, in class today and i started thinking about barnard, lmao. and i think that's fair--- not that i should be concerning myself with the look of the opposite*, but worth saying, i guess. it's fair to be feeling done! rahhhh (there's obviously so much more going on here re. my anger with men but I will not [yet] divulge to my baby blog) *i.e., worrying about looking like a feminist that's "unfair"

anyway, if i could make a mood board, which i cannot without getting frustrated, for my current passionspace, it would contain the following: lots of soft pinks, purples, and dark grey-blue, the end of "parachute" by caroline polachek {starting at "closing in"} (what a mother figure), splashed puddles of water, this specific capricorn-themed mug with hot tea, 'full surrogacy now', BLÅHAJ, my noise-cancelling headphones, masculine clothing, flowers of the wild variety, tissues, PLL (got such a crush on spencer), the quote "finally there's a way to be both free and safe", 'bottoms' promo art, and other elements to ensure cohesiveness.

so it's almost sweater season, team. i've gotta take my winter stuff out from under my bed-- an event which i'm already planning catering and lighting for. figured out that i'm the type of person that needs to remind themself to light candles, etc. an entailment of the great bath bomb revelation from years past. <- solid me lore

on a similar note of control: craving leadership of late. i want to run shit so bad. god i'd be so good. the dog sits in me, unbarking and chained. looked into theatre production opportunities, ended up feeling that thing i haven't quite found the right way to express yet... degrounded? fucking sucks is what it is. when you go too far up the imagination slide; a kind of altitude sickness. so maybe i won't be doing tech exactly but soon i'll have another full-time job. lol. that'll be cool. hopefully i can make shit happen. feel myself have an effect on the world.

🎶 it's time to be a big girl now 🎶

i wish i could better articulate my current thoughts on "'girl' stuff," especially as its been coming up in the dumb discourse recently... i think i'm too online. well, now I have to go finish typing up my geometry homework in an itsy bitsy coding language I've caught onto-- for extra credit!

the door? the gate? no, just kate 9/18/2023

p.s. god i fucking love caroline polachek's music

[temporarymoods]

first blog!

yay I'm blogging. I'm 21 and I made a blog! maybe this will be good for me, I think. maybe I can keep doing things that are good for me.

🎶 I want sweet revenge / I want him again 🎶

So not true! (I tend to start diary entries with the lyric of a song that's stuck in my head-- especially cool if relevant.) But no, I'm single, and I don't feel particularly wanting of either vengeance or re-coupling at the moment, though the moment tends to be short and infantile. That being said, when I talk of the recent, it certainly is the most important thing, and, wouldn't you know, it takes a quite specific form, seemingly out of nowhere, which surely plans on vanishing within a bit. There we have the reason for this blog (see: name.) Digging in: something we should all be doing more, scraping art and thus pleasure out of our lives; momentarily my sole commitment, while it lasts, while anything does.

It rained today, and thinking about the water calls my attention to how crystal-clear things have been in and around my little being as of late. I told my therapist on Monday (tonight is Wednesday's) that perhaps, the good, long days I've met over the past week are the result of another hypomanic episode, not unlike the one in April which got me diagnosed with bipolar ii. She told me that, frankly, she wished I had never come across the term; I'm doing well, and nothing's wrong with that, and I should be proud of myself. She's right, of course. Consider the heinous acts of socializing, self-esteeming, sweating, and getting shit done--- not bad things, just what I've been wanting for so long!!* So maybe I'm unipolar (aka it's just depression lmao.) Fruitless conclusion? Methinks. Moods, each and every last one, still dominate me (ooh la la), and I won't turn my focus away from them now, as I'm just starting to write the perfect cheatsheet. TLDR I'm sensitive, perhaps not clinically, but does it matter?

🎶 My baby loves me, I'm so angry / Anger makes me a modern girl 🎶

Real. And complicated. While patriarchy has been sooo top of mind, along with an atypically roaring orange feminist fire in my heart, roughly shaking 'gender ideas' have been floating around my head, too. I suppose one of them floated through my fingers and called a hair salon yesterday afternoon. The spirit of gender must have simultaneously took over the air in my lungs and let me schedule a cut for Friday. And I'm so mad, at everything, more than normal; I think about the shape of misogyny, and I've somehow become re-appalled at so much, because there is so much, and it hurts, very actively--- maybe it's that things have come so up to surface recently, like I said, clear. But?B/c?And? When I get ready to be out in the world, and I'm there, taking time with reflective surfaces, I look at my face and I see something different than usual--- someone more me, suddenly present, too. I greet them, haha, hello! Who are you? And what will you look like with short hair? Maybe more like yourself, whoever that is, whatever we've been dealing with. I'm sorry I may have pushed you away for so long, but I promise that I'll get to you eventually, through the brush. Avoidance is something I am great at.

Not all of the time, though. Last Friday--the one that ended up too good it got me shaking in my refusing-to-take-my-prescribed-mood-stabilizers boots--I strutted (strat?) into the Disability Resource Center on campus, before noon, and I did something that I had been avoiding for ~500 days, something that haunted me day-in and night-out for truly that long. Here, I will not disclose what that was. But what matters is that it was stupid, meaningful to me in a way I would not wish upon anybody, and I cried on the T home, with relief and joy and a puff of laughter. And I did talk to real people about it, and only let out a couple tears the second time. Now I'm writing on the web about it, really putting it out there: I make mistakes! I am capable! I'm going to fucking graduate college!

*I recognize that it's a little sad to be so startled by the presence of my own well-being. But it's a true picture, and I am quite comfortable with it. :) There's a story I tell myself, about my life (and I'm sure I'm not alone in this)--- when it comes to the past couple of years, it's...rough! And that's okay, if only because it has to be. It's left me with certain inclinations, sure: My therapist (who is awesome, if so much is not already clear) tells me I get anxious about becoming anxious. Yeah. She also says stuff like it's 'safer to blame yourself than eyeing the system' [my note] which I think is rad. I appreciate her and her help in dismantling my black-and-white thinking. Thanks, Andrea!

🎶 I've got sun in my muthafuckin pocket, that's for sure 🎶

SorryNotSorry for not being able to get enough of Olivia Rodrigo's new album--- sue me! Can you be surprised, dear critical Kate follower, when I've been pulling so much existential peace from rewatching Pretty Little Liars at night and flourishing notably within my oft-adored bedroom? No, you cannot! And it is with this activity in mind that I close out my first blog post. Part of me wants this to sit and collect internet dust. Another part of me wants it to get like, max 3 notes (that's what they call likes on Tumblr, right?) If you're reading this, hi. So silly, so so silly.

Tastefully, Kate 9/13/23

p.s. super duper into a specific kind of indie music recently. playlist titled 'rememba' is a cookie jar.