terriblethingss

[terriblethingss]

i remember everything and nothing at the same time

[terriblethingss]

i thought this was a good analogy for not remembering a lot of your trauma

[terriblethingss]

i hope you rot, i hope you will pray for forgiveness, and pray that i don't remember.

i hope nightmares come to you every night, leaving you sick and ashamed and disgusted by what you did to me,

i hope you feel the same anxiety, the same guilt, i hope it eats you alive, the same way it does to me.

[terriblethingss]

i remember i read it and felt really sick, but i didn’t remember why— the next day, my teacher who had lent it to me asked me if i liked it, and what i thought about the ending. when i didn’t seem to know, she asked me if i had understood what had happened at the end. i was still so confused, my mind was completely blank. and then she told me what happened at the end, and i felt sick again.

a year or two after this, my friend and i decided to watch the movie adaptation, and when it was over, i went almost catatonic. i was so depressed and just felt awful inside. after that i always just told people that i hated The Perks of Being a Wallflower bc it was depressing— i didn’t make the connection to my trauma until just now

thinking about how the perks of being a wallflower was how i realized i had been molested and how hard i cried at that scene the first time :/

[terriblethingss]

It won’t leave

[terriblethingss]

i want someone to hurt me i want someone to be gentle with me i want someone to degrade me i want someone to praise me i want someone to hold me i want people to stop touching me i want to be fucked i want to be loved i want to be left alone i want to be saved i need to be saved i want to be special i want to hurt myself i want to be hurt i want to be destroyed i want to be safe i want to be in danger i want to be dangerous i want to kill i want to be killed i want to be hit i want to be cut i want to explode i want to be okay i want to be okay

[terriblethingss]

and every single person i look up to, i wonder how disgusted they would be if they knew, if they knew the things that were done to me and the things i did to survive, i wonder how much they’d hate me if they knew. if they could see my rotting insides, the bugs that eat away at my eyes until everything is dark dark dark. i wonder if they’d wish i’d never been born too.

[terriblethingss]

— The Incest Diary

[terriblethingss]

[terriblethingss]

7.7.23

[terriblethingss]

what i always remember the most vividly are the moments right before. the feeling of his weight on top of me, his breath on my face, the way his grip tightened when i tried to get away, the feeling of dream with the realization that he was so much bigger and stronger than me, that there was absolutely no point in fighting, the terror. i had a really vivid nightmare last night that has really been hitting me hard.

[terriblethingss]

i hope you never get a good nights rest

[terriblethingss]

[terriblethingss]

i wake up in cold sweats because of the dreams you gave me. the people in my dreams never have your face, never your features, never you. it's my friend's, its my family, my loved ones. im so scared they'll betray me, use me like you did.

.

[terriblethingss]

my body feels polluted and dirty and i can't remember who made me like this

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[terriblethingss]

Theres something so viscerally painful about my depression getting better, and then getting worse.

I can remember the reasoning behind why I wanted to be alive, I can remember the things that made me feel happy. But the feeling is so far away, numb, dulled, that I don't believe I can feel that way again.

Depression is like the last milliseconds of an echo in an empty, dark cave, where you arent sure if its still echoing or if your mind is just clinging to the last of your joy.

Depression is like a warm campire has gone out, I can still hear the laughter of festivities in my ears, but the camp is silent and my tired eyes are too blurry to see the beauty of the stars. All I can think of is the cold and the silence. The absences of the warm and the noise. The memory that they did exist and the fact that they do not now. The fear that they may never again, and the growing certainty that they won't.

Depression with anxiety is lying awake at night, recalling your greatest fears as if they were prophecies, and desperately trying to remember the happy times, with little success... as if they were faded paintings on cave walls. Twisted and eroded by time and sickness.

Depression is like something holding your dreams on a stick over your head, whispering taunting things in your ear as it leads you over a cliff.

I have not felt this bad in a long time. I can barely remember when this one began. I do not know when it will end, and I have no proof if it will at all.

[terriblethingss]

i’m finding it very difficult to see the point in anything. there is no one left in the world that i trust. i don’t understand why i’m still here. i don’t think i should still be here but i’m too scared of the unknown to go through with killing myself. i just want it to stop. i think it must be that i’m being punished. i can’t make sense of it any other way. it must be my fault somehow.