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[thatmiddle]

There is Creativity in a Concrete Jungle

I was late. I’m rarely late! I overslept my alarm, so I woke up in a panic and couldn’t find anything I needed to get ready. I usually leave all of my stuff right by my bedroom door so I can find it in the morning, but I guess I didn't do that last night. In a drunken fury, I must have tossed my bag wherever it was convenient because I couldn’t remember its location this morning if my life depended on it. I almost misplaced my lanyard with my student ID, TTC student ID, and metropass. Together all of those items would cost about $200 to replace! I am so grateful I found it wedged between my twin bed frame and the wall. Glad to see half of my brain is working.

Mind you, I couldn’t catch a break today if my life depended on it. By the time I was ready to leave my house, I missed not one but two streetcars westbound into my job. I live in West Queen West area, which isn’t that far from Liberty Village, yet my trip still took an hour! Not to mention the fact that the streetcar was so crowded at the front but almost entirely empty in the back. After I wedged my way between all the assholes at the front, I found one last seat left. It was right in the back at the far right corner, which wasn’t so bad. I just naturally had to step over an enormous unattended pile of bags that had been shoved in the same corner. It didn’t look hard, and I had headphones in, so I just went for it. 

“Don’t do that,” I felt someone push me into the seat as the streetcar jerked to the side. Is someone trying to say something to me?

“I’m sorry?” I took off my headphones and looked at the woman sitting next to me, holding onto one of the many bags from the corner.

“Don’t touch my stuff!” She yelled back to me.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to touch any of your stuff. I just saw the empty seat and went for it,” I replied with a soft tone. “Sorry about that.”

“You stupid bitch, DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF!” She raised her voice while looking slightly away from me.

“I won’t, don’t worry about it.” I bowed my head before I put my headphones back on. I do not need this today lady!

It was only five stops, but it felt like an eternity. I jumped off the streetcar, dodged one car, and hopped back onto the street. I wonder how my shift for Nuit Blanche will go. 

I’ve never worked a shift during Nuit Blanche, I’ve only ever been to it. It’s the coolest thing about Toronto. Once a year, in the first weekend of October, the entire city becomes a Mecca for Toronto’s art scene, it’s amazing! Regular buildings you never get access to become these weird stages for the strangest art installations imaginable. When I was a teenager all my cool hipster friends would attend Nuit Blanche and I would just stalk their Facebook pictures the following week. I always wanted to be one of those girls with the coolest pictures from Nuit Blanche. Now as a 20-year-old adult I can go all by myself and it’s great.  As an adult, it’s legally acceptable for me to be both out at night by myself and drunk in public now and that my friend is sick. 

“You’re late,” My boss Chris shouted from the bar as I pushed my way through the front door of my cafe. He had a stern look on his face and his arms were crossed. Is he mad at me or looking for an excuse to flex his muscles in his tight white t-shirt? I can’t tell.

“Yeah I’m so sorry I overslept my alarm, and I missed the first streetcar getting here,” I responded.

“Are you joking? That shit is too good to be true. Don’t you live like 20 minutes away from here? The point is you were late and you didn’t call the store. What the fuck is up with that?” Chris snapped back. 

“Oh, um I didn’t think to call the store I didn’t know I was supposed to. I’m sorry Chris,” I looked down and dropped my arms. Now I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. Did I actually fuck up?

“Next time call the store when you’re late don’t be an asshole and leave everyone else hanging. If you do I’ll fire you,” He started to chuckle as he walked past me. “Put your shit down and get the hell out here. I want to go for a smoke break.” 

“Yes sir!” I shouted back and ran downstairs. I do not want to make him anymore mad today.

I rushed down the tiny crooked steps and turned the corner to the change rooms. The ceilings are always lower in Toronto shop basements and ours is no different. Our ceiling is about 5′9″ on a good day, and I always forget that. I threw my bag onto the corner of the bench, grabbed my apron and shoes from my cubby, and flew upstairs tying my apron as I travelled. 

“Hi, sorry again for being late, but did you see them setting up for that installation next to the park on the east side near those townhouses? I saw the windows of an old building were out and there was water gushing from the side of the building. I wonder what that is about,” I tapped Chris’s hunched back as he stood distracted by the illuminated iPhone clutched in his hand. “Where do you want me on the floor?”

Startled he jumped, “Yeah um, can you take over for me at the counter. Ring people in and make their drinks while I go have a smoke. Rachel should be here soon and when she does just get her to help you out on the bar.”

“Ok sounds good. Can I change your music?”

“Are you going to change it to that gay shit again?”

“There is no such thing as gay music unless you are counting music made by gay people as gay music. Indie music is not ‘gay’ music.”

“Yeah, whatever just make sure you put back on the jazz when I get back. We’re trying to get rich white ladies in here, not those poor hipster kids you call your friends.”

“Rich white ladies? That’s why you’re staying open tonight? On the night most poor hipster kids will be roaming around exploring art in Toronto? Yo are you dumb?” I asked with a thick Toronto accent.

“Ok, you can drop the Toronto accent and just do your job. I’m going to go have a smoke,” He turned and pushed the door to the back and walked through. Thank God he’s gone. I ran to the music and changed it immediately to my indie music playlist. Grimes’ “Oblivion” came on. I listened intently to Grimes' hazy voice. 

I never walk about after dark

It’s my point of view

I tossed my head back and forth to the music before I heard the front door open. It was a customer. I turned down the music. 

“Hi! Welcome to Adoration Cafe!”

The tall thin man looked up at me and smiled before looking around the room, “Uh yeah do you guys have a bathroom in here?” 

“Yes we do, it's in the back corner just past those tables,” I pointed towards the back. Is he going to go do drugs in the bathroom?

“Thanks dude.” He kept his hands in his black skinny jeans as he slinked towards the back. 

It felt like he was in there forever. What did he do, clog the toilet? Even when I did that at the Tim Hortons in Chinatown I had the decency to tell them! No, who am I kidding I ran out of there with my tail between my legs!

After about 20 minutes he waltzed out with a lightness to his footing. My God, what did he take? 

“Thanks again man really appreciate it. Cheers,” He nodded his head, this time reeking of weed with his hands in his back pockets instead of his front. He lifted the heels of his checkered Vans before he walked towards the front using his body to gently push open the door.

I followed his movements with my eyes. Once the door closed behind him I darted from behind the bar. Did that dude just smoke in our bathroom? There is so much space to smoke outside. It’s not even that cold out yet. I hope he didn’t smoke in the bathroom, I’m sure Chris will find some reason to be mad at me for that. I don’t know how but he’ll find a way. 

I opened the door to a smokeless room. What? I scanned the room for evidence. The room didn’t smell of smoked weed but it had an odour to it. I looked around. Nothing left by the sink or behind the toilet. I looked in the garbage. Nothing but wads of toilet paper. I pulled down the changing table to find tiny flakes of dried green leaves sprinkle on the cream plastic surface. Bingo. I used my hands to scoop as much off the plastic table before I wet a piece of paper towel and patted the surface dry for any future children who need the changing table. 

“What the hell are you doing?” I heard a voice coming from the doorway. It was Chris.

“Someone was in here and I think they just rolled a joint but forgot to clean up the evidence on their way out,” I explained. 

“Well hurry the fuck up with that and get back to the bar it shouldn’t be left unattended. Honestly, who cares about what is left on the changing table?” He said in passing as he walked back towards the bar. 

“Shouldn’t you care if you want rich white women to come to this cafe? Especially if they bring their kids?” I asked as I followed behind him.

“Fuck no, they can leave their kids at home. This cafe is for hot couples who want to hook up, young entrepreneurs, rich white women, and people who are actually talented from the arts scene and looking to make a name for themselves.” He clasped his hands together as he grinned.

“So you do care about the poor hipsters! I knew it,” I teased him. “Have you heard anything from Rachel?” 

“No, I haven’t. She hasn’t called the store since I was gone?”

“No, she hasn’t.” I repeated him.

“Fuck. Did you girls plan this? This is bullshit. Give me that phone.” He extended his arm and gestured to the black landline. “I’m going to call this girl.”

“Um ok,” I handed over the wireless phone and walked away from him and towards the espresso machine. I’m just going to practice my latte art while it’s quiet. 

“Bitch,” He muttered under his breath as he hung up the phone. “Rachel says she can’t come in because she forgot she had a shift so she made other plans. Does she know how a job works? I’m going to fire her tomorrow.” 

“Are you supposed to say that to me?” I looked confused.

He ignored my question as he walked towards the back. “Okay well since that is happening I’m going to go call other people and see who can come in because there’s no way I’m fucking staying till close.”

“Does that mean I can keep my music on?” I called out to him before he left.

“Yeah, Sarah do whatever the hell you want I don’t care. Just don’t fucking leave the bar for dumb shit.”

“You got it sir!” I shouted back with a hint of exaggeration.

I waited at the bar anxious to help a customer as the sun set. I know it always gets so much darker this time of year yet somehow I am always unprepared for its arrival. It kind of feels similar to my period every month if I’m being honest.

I looked outside at the people running around the former epicentre of Toronto’s manufacturing industry.  Now it was just a neighbourhood with hollowed-out factory buildings slowly being filled with generic businesses and quirky coffee shops like ours. The only difference was tonight it was filled with artists and curious onlookers. 

“Excuse me, hi.” I heard a voice calling me. I turned my head to see a customer just out of my view. I jumped.

“Shit- Sorry I didn’t see you there! What can I get you?” 

“I want a quad ristretto Americano with extra space,” He replied with a twinkle in his eye. I think I know what he’s doing.

“Oh, you need lots of space in there… for other stuff?” I sarcastically chimed back.

“Yes of course,” He looked at me with a frown of disdain. Okay, we won’t make any more jokes then.

“Is that everything for you?” He nodded while maintaining direct eye contact so I continued, “That will be 4.25 then.”

He handed me the exact change and I cleared the register. No tip eh? Rude. He walked immediately to the bar with his head in his phone. I took my time as I walked towards the espresso machine to make his drink. What’s this guy’s deal?

“So how’s it going? Are you seeing the sights at Nuit Blanche?” I asked.

He jerked his head up quickly with his eyebrows raised as if he didn’t expect me to interrupt his time scrolling through what looked like Facebook, “Um yeah I’m here with some friends, we wanted to see Brendan Ferandes’ sound and light show. It’s called Future Perfect. It’s a giant installation of shipping containers meant to address the trauma of migration, displacement and change.” 

“Sick,” I nodded my head in excitement. “Well, you enjoy it man here’s your drink.”

“Thanks,” He smiled as he took the cup and walked out. 

“Ah-hem!” I heard someone shout from the register. “We’re waiting!”

I turned to see two high school girls waiting impatiently by the cash. I could tell they were high school girls because their voices were shrill and they dressed inappropriately for the weather. I was like this in high school, only ten times hotter.

“Sorry guys!” I walked towards them taking my time. “What can I get you two?”

“What do you have that tastes the least like coffee?” High school girls also ask dumb questions like this. Not to be rude, I’m just making an observation.

“I would say a latte is probably best.”

“Wait! Do you have that hot chocolate coffee thing?” The shorter girl asked.

“You mean a mocha?” I looked at her confused while slightly annoyed. “Yes, we have those.” 

“Can I get one of those and also one of those brownies with the salt on it?” She jabbed her dirty finger into the glass of the display case. I winced, I hate when customers do that. 

“Yes, is there anything else?” I asked.

“Yeah um can you hurry the fuck up?” A voice shouted behind them. Who was that? I looked up to see a lineup had started and trailed all the way out the door. My heart skipped a beat. How did that happen so quickly? I was only talking to these girls for a minute.

“Yes...of course…” I spoke softly as I slowly stepped towards the back door. “Just one second!”

I ran to the back shouting at the top of my lungs.

“Chris you better get your ass up here we have a lineup out the door I can’t help everyone by myself I will die!” 

“Yeah alright, Sarah I will be up in one second. Just go back out there!” He hollered from the office.

Go back out there? Easy for him to say! He will flip when he sees how many people there are. God, I hope I survive this. I took a deep breath and stepped behind the bar. I managed to serve a good portion of the line by myself before Chris came to help out, typical boss behaviour. 

“Go stay on the bar. I will take the orders at cash, I’m great with the ladies,” Chris put his hand on my shoulder before he assumed his role at the register.

“Hey, um you do know there are dudes in that line too!” I walked towards the bar and proceeded to foam milk like it was no one’s business.

We cleared the line with minimal complaints. I think everyone was too high on drugs to really notice how long they were standing in line. Besides Nuit Blanche is mostly line-ups anyway so it probably didn’t feel that different for most people. 

Before we knew it we cleared the line. All 40 unexpected guests in under an hour with only two people. I’m pretty proud of us.

“That was great! Man, I never thought we were going to make it through all of those people.” I let out a sigh as I walked towards Chris at the front. 

“Yeah it’s a fucking miracle,” Chris pipped back as he pulled out his phone. “Listen Sarah, I was able to get Imogen to come in and close. She’s doing us a huge solid because she never works on the weekend so make sure you are really good.”

“I’m not 12 Chris, I can ‘behave’ for her. I’ve worked with her before” 

I heard the click of the door open.

“Imogen! So glad you’re here. We were just talking about you. Thanks again man for helping us out.”

“Did you seriously think you could handle closing the store on Nuit Blanche with just two people working? The entire night? Are you joking Chris?”

“Listen I didn’t think those hippie freaks would all come out in droves for espresso alright. If you want another person to close the store with you, be my guest. Good luck trying to find someone on such short notice.”

“I have more pull than you do. I’m going to put my stuff down and start making some calls. Most likely it will be Jess who comes in,” She sauntered towards the door. 

Oh Jess cool, I’ve worked with her before.

Chris kept his eyes glued to his phone before he looked up to respond to Imogen, “Alright well since you girls have this handled I’m going to get the hell out of here.”

Chris grabbed his leather jacket from underneath the counter before he tossed it over his shoulder. I stood stunned as they both exited at the same time from opposite ends of the room.

I guess they just expect me to stay on the floor by myself indefinitely. Without a break too. Cool thanks guys, great teamwork we have here.

“I guess it will just be me for the next little while,” I muttered to myself.

“No I’m still here and I want a refill,” A bald older man stood over the counter with a ceramic mug in his hand. It was our laptop regular Bob. I always forget about Bob in the back. 

“Nice to see you too Bob,” I sighed as I took his cup and walked towards the bar to make him another drink.

[thatmiddle]

Top 10 Albums that Shaped my Existence

How do I put this lightly, I believe listening to music matters as much as breathing. I know that is hyperbolic, but I don’t care. It can fuel your soul in a similar way that air fuels your body to move. It brings to life moments, places, and people. That’s probably why if you listen closely music is everywhere. It’s in the steel drums at Union subway station or the clarinet player at Yonge and Dundas Square. It’s is found from a broken guitar with unclipped strings in Kensington Market to a radio blasting out of an open window. It’s heard from the lake on a cool breezy summer night. It’s made by the leaves in the trees and the creatures roaming its branches. Music is inescapable.

Music is also a lot cheaper than therapy and for most, it is incredibly accessible. In saying that I do not mean to conflate therapy to music, but I do think there is a healing power to songs. This form of artistic expression has been with me during my brightest minutes and my darkest hours. I have relied on it like Aladdin did his magic carpet; it lift me up and took me to places I never thought I’d ever go. All I have to do was turn it on, tune in and drop out, as some would say.

During this pandemic I have leaned heavily into music, it is the perfect socially distanced escape. During this time that I have also gone back to old albums and reflected on how they influenced me and shape who I am today.

In Rainbows - Radiohead

If I had owned this album in an analogue form I would have destroyed it by overplaying it in my Discman. Radiohead is a wonderful band that have made wonderful albums but for some reason, this is the particular one I return to. To me, In Rainbows is the music I heard when I realized that I wanted to take my life in a different more creative direction than that of my peers. In Rainbows is the album I heard on carpool rides to Shakespeare Camp as a young girl. In Rainbows is what played in my head the first time I walked into Kensington Market as a young naive suburban girl. The music is so diverse with its sound but creates a distinctly modern tone. I find the music runs like a stream and cascades into fountains of sound I never expected. All the songs are beautiful but my favourite from the album has always been House of Cards.

Brothers - The Black Keys

If In Rainbows was an early marker of my youth, Brothers by The Black Keys established my teenage self and heavily moulded how I carried myself into my early twenties. With the raunchy guitar, hard drums and vocals somewhere between garage rock and blues, this album stimulated every part of my life. It is one of those albums that upon listening to the first fifteen seconds of the opening track Everlasting Light, I am immediately taken back to driving around in Toronto suburbs and getting into trouble. This album started my ongoing obsession with The Black Keys. Fun fact I named my first Tumblr blog off of a misreading a song lyric in the track The Only One, which also happens to be one of my favourite tracks on the album. I’ve tried to see The Black Keys live twice and both times I was unable to attend the concert. One day I will see them.

Revolver - The Beatles

There are a lot of Beatles albums I love and I wouldn’t say this is my favourite of theirs, but it is I would argue its one of their more underrated albums. From what I have gathered about Beatles fans (having been one since I was six years old), this choice isn’t mutually exclusive. It does however seem that established fans love either Rubber Soul or Revolver. For me, I choose the latter. This album is very experimental for the band as they were still coming out of their admired boy band era. I came to this album as a young girl whenever I played with my toys in the living room of my childhood home. I always heard a Beatles album playing in the background and when Revolver came on I was elated. My toys went on new adventures, met new people and told new stories. The Beatles have always brought out the creativity in me and I’m very grateful for that. Check out the song I’m Only Sleeping, it’s so meditative and my most replayed track.

Man on the Moon: The End of Day - Kid Cudi

I wasn’t in a good place when I was fortunate enough to be introduced to this album as being a teenager can be an incredibly difficult experience. Yet upon hearing this album I was pleasantly surprised, I never expected to find that catharsis in a young American rapper named Kid Cudi. I always liked some rap and hip-hip songs (don’t ever get me started on the importance of Sean Paul), but foolishly enough I never gave a full album or artist the chance. Man on the Moon found me at the right moment. This album’s production is so complex and crosses genres in ways I never expected; it leaves me wanting more every time. Kid Cudi hip-hop is different, Kid Cudi hip-hop goes deep and feels it. While Day ‘N’ Nite is one of the most recognizable songs on the album don’t sleep on Heart of a Lion, it’s beautiful.

For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver

Like many teens in the mid-2000s, I made a Tumblr account. It was a great place filled with hormone-induced rage posts, images of skinny girls ripped from the website We Heart It, and boundless creativity. As a previous webpage creator hailing from the Geocities days, site creation was not new to me. I took up a URL and got to work. During this time I leaned deeper into the ‘indie girl’ aesthetic, which is where I found Bon Iver. Bon Iver’s music is soft and melodic and his guitar strums could whisk you away on a cloud. For Emma, Forever Ago was the soundtrack to the version of me who longed for combat boots, a-line skirts from American Apparel, and a cute hipster boyfriend to take me away from all my problems. I never got everything I wanted, but I was always able to sit in deep thought and listen to this album and for that, I’m incredibly grateful. The Wolves (Act I and II) is one of my favourite tracks off the album, I love the crescendo towards the end of the song it makes me want to release any bad feelings I have through some strong movement.

Is this it - The Strokes

I don’t remember when I first heard this album, I just know it was an unofficial anthem to my early twenties. Was it playing at that frat party? Or maybe it was at the live show in that bar one time. Is This It is the perfect album for starting out in a new place with dreams and about $20 to your name. This album is made for people entering young adulthood making mistakes and living for the moment. Garage rock is such an underrated genre, but perhaps that’s the suburban girl in me speaking. I want to dance every time I hear a track of this perfectly crafted experience. I hear those guitar riffs and I am taken back to running through Toronto at midnight with friends. Is This It is unapologetic and an outstanding debut album for The Strokes and cemented their status as indie rock legends, I don’t care what anyone says. There are a lot of amazing songs to recommend but I will try and spice things up. Last Nite and the title track Is This It are obvious choices but the bop you need to listen to is Someday.

Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

Everyone has to listen to Pink Floyd in university otherwise they never went…right? Pink Floyd always felt like a right of passage that I would eventually reach although I did cheat and wear a Dark Side of The Moon cropped t-shirt I got from HMV in high school just to seem cool. It wasn’t until first-year university I fell in love with the song Wish You Were Here. I’m sure I was just feeling nostalgic after moving out of my suburban bubble and into the big city for the first time. Nevertheless, after annoying my new roommates by listening to that song on repeat in my bedroom I decided to give the rest of the album a shot and immediately fell in l love. It is a short ride but an emotional journey. I thought I had felt everything I needed to feel at 21, then I heard Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts 1-5). If you were living under a rock and haven’t heard this album I recommend it. And do check out that track.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar

Swimming Pools was everywhere in 2012, it was synonymous with the nightlife which was surprising given its lyrics. Good kid MAAD city takes the ideas explored in Swimming Pools and expands them into a full universe. As soon as I turned on the first song I felt like I had been lifted from my cold Canadian home and into the chaotic Compton of Kendrick Lamar’s universe. This concept album has such depth I feel I learnt more than I would have ever expected. I love the way the album weaves recorded scenes with various characters and the music, it creates such a vivid picture as you listen through the whole piece. I felt deep sympathy towards the struggles told on the record in ways I never thought I would. Good kid m.A.A.d city is a great ride from start to finish without ever skipping a single track, but if you had to speed up to a gem I highly recommend the track Money Trees.

channel Orange - Frank Ocean

I was originally introduced to Frank Ocean through his work with Odd Future or as I proudly scribbled everywhere, OFWGKTA. Frank Ocean was always the quiet R&B guy from the group that I never thought I would have known much about but early 2013 rolled around all that changed. An old friend of mine had pointed me in the direction of new work by the musician and I ran towards the sound immediately. Frank’s voice is mesmerizing and he mixes sounds in ways I would never expect. His lyrics are dark and deep. This album got me through a lot of mixed emotions I started to experience as I worked my way through my undergrad. Frank understood what it meant to feel and I connected deeply with that. Pink Matter was the soundtrack to my life, I listened to it on repeat doing just about every task I could imagine.

House of Balloons - The Weeknd

I remember Toronto the year that The Weeknd released his first mixtapes. He was just an enigma floating through the city, no one could pin him down. I am one hundred percent one of the people who got their hands on the YouTube videos early and saved them immediately to my accounts. I wanted more and I didn’t know why. He captured a sound that still exists here today, it was dark and full of mystery. As soon as I got my hands on the first mixtape I popped that baby into my iPod and played it so much practically the full album made it to my ‘Top 25 Playlist’ on the device. I am obsessed with The Weeknd’s voice and as someone from Etobicoke, I am even more obsessed with the fact that he’s from Scarborough. He sounds like home to me and I will never be able to let that go. When I play this album (which is at least once every year I’ll have you know), I feel sure about who I am and where I come from. It’s not an explicit attitude to being from Toronto, but rather a feeling that you can carry throughout everything you do. The Weeknd carries that on a world stage and I am proud to say he is a Toronto native. Every song on the album is amazing and I say listen to them all, but do make sure you pay special attention to Loft Music. Nothing spells nightlife in Toronto more than at least one party in a condo or loft by Lake Ontario. I was actually asked to go to a late-night loft party by a random man at a Chinese restaurant one time so I can vouch for this happening in the city. Clearly, Abel knew what he was talking about.

Music is one of the most important things in my life. It is like a fuel I use to keep my motor moving. I find it anywhere and everywhere. I rely on it so much it has been the godsend I didn’t realize I needed during a pandemic. I think I am starting to understand why movies from the 1930s were so much about escapism; drifting off into another world during a difficult time can feel like magic.

What are 10 albums that shaped who you are? Let me know in the comments.

[thatmiddle]

Some thoughts

The world is screwy, there’s no straightforward way to say it. No matter how hard you try to do the right thing, it will always be open to interpretation and that’s ok. It’s something I’m learning to live with. Perhaps that’s the most post-modern statement I could make… but I believe it.

I often close my eyes and imagine a world different from ours. One where the earth isn’t plagued by climate change and the people on this earth have everything they need to survive. When I lift my lids I’m left with this place. A polluted, crowded, underserved landscape with poverty, political unrest, social discontent. A place where hope can be purchased for a dollar a pop and ethics are about as important as electing a leader for their honesty. I often ask myself, is this what living on this great planet is about?

There is no straightforward way to get to that world. It takes work, tears and strength to achieve such a feat. Isn’t that the point of pursuing such a goal?