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Leaving the past behind.

I’m older and maybe wiser but still just as sad and I figure that’s as good a reason as any to officially say put this Tumblr in the memory banks for when I feel particularly nostalgic about my teenage angst. Follow my fresh start here if you want. 

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Holiday Blues

It makes me immeasurably sad that I don’t enjoy holidays anymore.

Understandably the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my grandpa around were hard. Very hard. But I spent a week away from school and responsibility at home with my family, mourning and repair what had been changed. I was surrounded by friends (literally, my friends came to my grandma’s and we smoked and ate and sang carols) and I was as happy as I could have realistically been at that time.

Last year was “eh.” I had a job in the city that I had to get back to and I spent the better part of two months living alone in my apartment because my roomie was at home over the break and then some into the semester. December and January sucked. Hard.

This year I can’t even wish for a good time. Already, I’m sad. It’s a little more than a week before Thanksgiving, and all it is to me is an inconvenience. Do I want to see my family? Of course. Will I? Sure. But my roommate is going home Saturday and spending the week at home, and I’ll be here until Wednesday, then get to drive back Thanksgiving night to open at my job the very next morning. This semester has been impossible, I’m stressed beyond belief, and I want nothing more than to just quit my life and go home. It gets harder every day, especially now that the holidays are here, to resist the urge to just quit. Because what’s the point?

What’s the point of working nearly every day to make just enough money to pay my bills and nothing else? What’s the point of being independant on my own away from my family if I’m miserable because I can’t ever take the time off to see them or else I will be unable to pay said bills? The semester ends in two weeks and for other people that means going home for a month and maybe being miserable because they hate their families, but for me it just means that I won’t have school to worry about. I’ll just be in the same place with the same job and still missing the freedom and carelessness I had three years ago.

I feel stuck. I just need a break and I can’t afford one. My job couldn’t afford to give me one even if I could take the time. I literally never thought I’d say this but I just want to be eighteen again. I want to decorate the tree with my grandma and then smoke with my family and take a nap and get woken up by the smell of turkey and open gifts together and then sit around the table again with dessert. I miss when holidays were about enjoying the time spent with family and not thinking about how little time I actually have with them. And I know that’s my fault because I’m cynical and negative but it’s really hard to enjoy anything when you hate everything.

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"ft Nicki" means "Nicki’s song"

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2 weeks old

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Read Jesse Williams’ epic Twitter essay on police racism

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Trueeee

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Albums I‘m Still fucking waiting for

Frank Ocean

Let me catch you in these streets cause you think this shit is a game

Kanye

Let me find out that It’s North West’s little ass holding up this album. Dis gon be me & her… I don’t care how cute she think she is

Adele

21 done turned 51 and gettin ready to retire. It’s time for another damn album

Drake

IYRTITL mixtape was cute. But I can’t run through the 6 anymore nigga. My feet are tired. Woes tired. Ain’t no more runnin bih. Drop the album

Rihanna

Gurlllll… do you still sing?  You done found everything under the sun to do BUT drop an album. Fuck yo money. Where is my ALBUM?

Lorde

Don’t be thinking you actually a royal now hunney. You still need to release music. Let me peep you at them tennis courts sis. We gon’ do some talking alright

Beyonce

 I Just KNOW yo sneaky ass is working on an album, and planning how you’re going to drop it and fuck shit up. Ima need you to stop this war-like tactic of dropping music. This ain’t WW2 bih. We shouldn’t have to Stop, Duck and Cover every time you choose to release something. And why yo ass always wanna release something late at night? We got Jobs, Families, Lives. What about the Children!? Do it for the Children. They runnin into walls at school and falling down steps because they ain’t get any sleep last night, because you wanna be petty and do shit like call up Nicki and drop remixes when people are setting their alarms for work the next morning!? Then they gotta answer questions like “Tisha, what happened to your hair?”. Just because you love Jay-Z and He bald don’t mean everyone else that loves you wanna be bald. OK!?

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And they say romance is dead

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Ew wtf hemingwaysedge

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hemingwaysedge u heartless lol

my boyfriend: *gets down on one knee and looks at my with heartfelt eyes* will you marry me?

me: this is so fucking corny

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channing tatum is like that guy in college who’s 1000% bro and loves his frat and is a world champion beer pong player and owns 324353 snap-backs and you’re just like UGH GROSS until you find him roaming the feminist lit section of the local indie book shop and he sees you eyeing him and smiles and is like “have you ever read any doris lessing?” just as his phone buzzes with a text from his grandma asking if he’ll be coming over for bingo this weekend and you also realize his text tone is “bad blood” and suddenly everything is you knew is  a lie 

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