the-wanderer-that-stayed - Tumblr blog

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

I need your help

It's been a while since I've posted anything, again, my brain just hadn't been able to put thoughts into words for a while..

Anyway, I've made a PayPal pool to help me afford to live throughout the month.

https://paypal.me/pools/c/8dNFqz8dGm

I work my arse off 4 nights a week and I'm definitely wrecking my body and mind even more than they already were. I live in a hostel that upped the price for a bed in a 12-bed dorm to £80 a week (which is almost as much as a room in a student house) so I barely get enough sleep, and the kitchen here is horrendously lacking hygiene and equipment.

I feel so guilty for having to borrow money off my parents every month and it's eating me alive, I'll go 2 days without food just so I can make their money last longer.

Please don't tell me to "just work more" or "get a second job", trust me I'm trying, but I'm physically and mentally too screwed up to just do any job.

There's so many things I would absolutely love to do, but my body and/or brain just can't do it. For example, I'd love to work as a carpenter (like my dad, we've done several projects together when I was 12-16yo) or in construction, but I physically can't do that because of Ehler-Danlos syndrome and Lyme disease and probably some undiagnosed stuff. I would love to help people with their problems, like as a therapist or in customer service, but I have mental breakdowns every other day and it would either royally ruin me or make me too unreliable to employ.

The list of things I want to do but am unable to is very long and frustrating, so if anyone can spare some money so I can eat, or even save up a bit so I can get a room somewhere I'd be forever in you debt.

I've added a photo of Charlie, my hostel's cat, taking a heckin nap in my bed, we all know how good it feels to be chosen by a cat 💚

Anyways, as always, if you've got questions or something, just send an ask.

Xx

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Does size matter?

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

thank you for sharing your struggles. it's nice to not feel alone in this.

You'll get through it :) the fact that you got this far means that you're strong af

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Life is a confusing shit show

I know it's been a while since I made a post, not that anyone would really notice or care, but hey, who gives a shit, right? I don't know where I left off last post, so I might skip or repeat a bunch.

Anyway, it's been a hazy and confusing few weeks, I know my mum was here like 2/3 weeks ago, but I can't remember it, aside from the pictures. Since then my eat/sleep pattern have been a mess, and I feel even more disconnected from life.

Another thing that's been a confusing factor; now I've finally accepted, and am fine with, being alone in every aspect of my life, people have been approaching me. Like yeah, I'll meet up with them once, preferably on the bar crawl (it's a safe environment with plenty distractions if things go badly), and then I never see them again.

My isolation has gone to the point where I feel like I don't need anyone anymore. Even people that used to be my best friends, no matter how eager on "renewing" the friendship. I can't trust them anymore, so to save myself some trouble I can only accept them as a temporary thing.

I don't even know what's normal when it comes to friends. I've heard everyone talks about how they've known their friends for years and went to school/uni together, while I'm usually discarded after a few months. I'm not doing it anymore. I can't put myself through it again. I don't need anyone. I DON'T NEED ANYONE. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I would give my life just to have someone that actually cares about me, as much as I care about them. But I don't see that happening, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

In the meantime, my life literally consists of work, sitting on my bed, smoking my brain quiet, and too little sleep and food. The anxiety is through the roof, the loneliness hurts, the depression numbing, the mood swings exhausting, and the physical pain agonizing. The worst part is, I actually do kinda want to better myself and be more healthy, but I can't. I literally can't afford to live less miserably. Whenever I go into tho hostel's kitchen, there's people, which causes an anxiety attack and a sensory overload that won't go away the rest of the day. Whenever I try to sleep, some son of a bitch in my room turns on the light and leaves without turning it off, but I'm too tired to leave my bed to turn it off (top bed of triple bunk). And my work is physically too demanding with a payslip that doesn't last me more than 2/3 weeks out of the month. Oh, and not to forget the smell some of the people in my room create, I'm currently trying to keep my sanity while some twat just took off his shoes, engulfing the room in a rank sweat stink.

All in all, I'm in about the worst position I could've ended up in, with no sights of a better future.

But.. without getting my hopes up, if the opportunity of a different life arises, I'm probably taking it. And I'm not talking about some rando piping up telling me to get a different job or whatever, bitch as if that wasn't the first thing that I thought of myself.

Anyway, I'm gonna check if the kitchen is free yet, if not, I'm just gonna cry over not being able to have some fucking instant noodles, like I did an hour ago.

If I ramble too much and you want some clarification, just send me an ask.

See y'all next post

X

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

I really don't know how much longer I can take this.

Mentally I'm fucked, physically I'm fucked, socially I'm fucked, financially I'm fucked, and I don't know what to do.

I've been medicated practically my whole life, but nothing has ever had a positive effect.

I've been in therapy practically my whole life, again, the only thing it did for me was learning ways to help others deal with their problems, but nothing ever helped me.

I've lost more people than I could possibly count, no matter how much they meant to me or how long I've known them, apparently I'm not important enough to keep around once I run out of good days.

I've been working way more than I can physically handle, the pain in my body is excruciating, but if I work less I won't be able to eat.

I've been having a horrendous amount of anxiety with everything I try to do while my depression makes sure I feel horrible for being a useless piece of shit.

I know it sounds stupid, but the last thing I seem to be able to hold on to is the hope that I'll meet someone that does value my existence, and doesn't run away the moment I show vulnerability.

I'm tired, lonely, and broken, but nobody seems to care because "everyone has their problems". Well if everyone has problems I wouldn't have to be alone, perhaps people would be a bit more considerate towards those in a bad place.

Lately I've been doing so much worse, and every day I lose more faith in myself and the people around me. Maybe that's because I don't have my usual distractions, like Netflix and YouTube, but my hostel's WiFi has been down for over 2 weeks now, so I've been missing out on @therealjacksepticeye, which feels like I've lost another best friend.

I need help, but professional help doesn't cut it. I need to feel valid, and socially accepted, but I've got no one to turn to. The fear of growing attached to someone that will just throw me away once they see I'm broken is too strong.

At this point I honestly don't know if I'm delusional or something, because I know I have intrinsic value, I am a great friend who will always be there for you whenever you need someone, and will always help out in any way that fits you, without judgement.

There's literally nothing in life that means more to me than a reliable friendship, but apparently that's too much to ask.

Why can't I just be enough?

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

So.. so tired..

Well, this week so far has been the most exhausting I've had in a very long time. My mum arrived Wednesday night, when she went to bed, I went out to District (my favourite emo/metal/alt-rock night) for the first time in 4 months.

The next morning, valentine's day, I woke up to my mum wanting to go for breakfast, but I was feeling worse than I had in over half a year, we still went out to eat tho, with me nauseous and half asleep with the stiffest neck imaginable. Later in the morning I had a doctor's appointment, and after I finally got to go for a nap back at the hostel while she did her thing. And then I woke up to go for dinner with my mum (you can see how little social life I have), and went to have some Greek food at Yefsis, the only place outside of Greece that nails Greek food. I didn't get to sleep that night tho, because I had to work midnight to 6am.

Once I got back from work I was absolutely broken and exhausted, but just my luck, the new guy sleeping in the bed underneath me snores like a fucking bulldog so I couldn't fall asleep until he was up around 10am... Anyway, who needs sleep, dark circles are the new eyeshadow :') Around 2pm my mum wanted to go for some food again (I'm never complaining about the food, just the fact that I need to go outside and deal with anxiety when getting it), after that we went to get my prescription meds and while waiting I got a message from Ryan, one of my old flatmates.

Now the thing about Ryan is that we used to be very, very close, it's safe to say he used to be my best friend. Then when our flat got evicted, I panicked and ran away after helping out with the bare minimum, while leaving the rest of the flat with all of the shit to throw out and stuff. I completely understand why he didn't contact me for half a year, but it hurt so much I cried for days on end when I first lost him. After a couple of months I got accustomed to not having him around, tho it was difficult, still.

The moment I received that message, asking if I was alright, felt so good. I don't know whether it's weak or strong to forgive that easily, but he meant the world to me and I want to make up for running away when they needed me.

Anyway, after talking to Ryan for a bit, he asked where I live now, and after explaining the hostel situation he wanted to stay here in the hostel for the weekend as well, as it's convenient with the bar crawl that he's been managing for almost a year by now. After hanging out with him for a while, the crawl started, so like any sensible person I tagged along until I had to go to work at 10pm (probably not the best idea, it was an exhausting shift).

Fast forward to coming back from work at 6am, Ryan was still awake as some of the lads on the crawl "didn't let him leave the stripclub" (fair enough, he still goes there after almost every crawl I think, next week I'm joining them). We had a smoke and talked a bit, like back in the day where everything was good and we all lived in our happy place, and then said good night with a friendly kiss like we used to in the prime of our friendship.

And then my alarm went off at 1pm to have lunch with my mum and a friend of hers. The evergrowing bags under my eyes hurt more and more every day at this point. My mum's friend, Sarah, is a really nice woman, living about an hour's train ride away, and with her own fair share of depression and anxiety. It was great getting to know her, it felt like I'd known her for way longer already. The food was good too, tho I got a bit too excited and burned my mouth several times in several places.

As I had the night off I decided to go on the crawl again, this time my mum wanted to come along too, so that was interesting. She's not really phased by me drinking, she's carried my drunk arse home before, and she had a great time. I really missed the bar crawl, I forgot how much of a social thing it is, while not being exhausting and full of expectations. I made 3 new friends that come on the crawl on a regular basis, I haven't had that many friends since the flat got evicted.

We had a great night which ended at burger king, it had been such a long time since I sincerely had fun. But as my mum wanted to meet up with another friend of hers in Oxford, I had to wake up at 9am. Unfortunately for me, the guy underneath me still snores like a chainsaw, so I couldn't fall asleep. Around 6am Ryan returned to the hostel, so we went outside for a smoke again. He'd smuggled a duvet outside to lie on while smoking (fantastic idea), and we stayed outside for over an hour, and after a while we started getting it on again like we used to, but when we looked up at some point we realized it was way to bright outside to go on so we'll just leave that til next time 😅

When we went back inside to go to sleep I texted my mum that I still hadn't slept, and she texted her friend to ask whether she would make it to Oxford, but thank fuck she said she wasn't, so I finally got to sleep for a bit, tho I've been waking up every half hour or so.

Anyway, I'm going for some food again with my mum.

As always, if you want to know more, send a message.

See y'all next post 💚

Bonus pic: me and my mum (my eyes are red af)

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

You stole his heart! But I don’t think he minds all that much, given that he,,,uh,,, doesn’t really need it anymore— 💜

Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s my last minute idea ft. Robbie! It gave me a lot of troubles ‘cause the app just really didn’t seem to like me, but i finished it!

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY 💚💚

We may not need romance, but we have enough love to make up for that 💚

Don’t let anyone forget platonic love is just as valid and real as romantic love 💚💚

@therealjacksepticeye

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

2 more days til I'm seeing my mum again

Oh boy, I can already tell the week my mum's gonna be here will be exhausting and intense. Working night shifts makes it really difficult to get enough sleep during the day, and with my mum here I won't get much time for a good sleep as she wants to actually do stuff and see some people.

It'll be nice seeing her again tho, and I do need some new things, like socks and stuff, and maybe a coat and shoes (both are starting to fall apart). It's going to be good to have some proper food again, and hopefully spend little money so I don't have to borrow money for food at the end of the month.

I'm definitely gonna have difficulty switching back and forth between speaking Dutch and English, it usually takes me a few days to get my brain to speak Dutch properly again.

Also, one more day til payday. It's so annoying to have negative money, I haven't been able to top up my phone in almost 2 weeks and I had to use food money to pay for Spotify so I don't lose my mind at work.

And I've been noticing my English accent and slang is slightly getting more Irish cos I've been watching @therealjacksepticeye whenever I'm not asleep or at work so I don't feel too alone.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave it here for now.

Send me an ask if you want to know more :)

X Anne

Bonus: I made a blanket fort because I'm an adult and nobody can tell me I can't make a blanket fort.

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

So my mum is coming to Brighton next week! My parents are quite worried about how I'm doing, and so am I actually.

I haven't seen either of my parents in half a year, so I'm really glad they could afford for one of them to come over, my mum even got a sum of money from dear friends of ours to spend here 💚

We decided on my mum visiting me because a) she came to visit me last year, so she already knows Brighton a bit, and b) she's always been very involved in my mental health, so the confrontation with my situation would be less hard for her than it would be for my dad.

Now I have to think of things to do, which is well difficult cos I never have any money to do stuff so I have no idea what there is to do. Maybe I can ask my mum for new headphones, the ones I have gave up on the left side the other day, so now I've lost almost all of the lead guitar in my music.

I'm so excited to have some actual food again tho :)

Also; my hostel makes me feel kinda icky, which is quite an accomplishment on their behalf, cos I don't get grossed out by anything (except visibly broken bones). The kitchen is useless, there's not even an oven, microwave, or a freezer. The beds are those hospital memory foam mattresses, with a plastic/rubbery cover, so every time I wake up, I'm in a pool of my own sweat. People just turn on the light in the dorm and then leave, which is really annoying when you're trying to sleep before work (I work night shifts, 12-6am).

Anyway, I'll leave it here for now,

Send me an ask if you want to know more :)

X Anne

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

I'm missing my dog a lot atm, so here, have a bunch of puppy pictures of my lil' Biscuit

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Just a side reminder, I mainly post to vent or to tell at least someone about something happening

Thank you for your support tho, it's much appreciated

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Too much depresso, too little espresso.

The last few days have been difficult again, I'm constantly crying/on the verge of tears, I'm hungry but I can't eat , I have no money and feel too guilty/ashamed to ask for help, and I'm so tired (there was some cunt hammering away with a jackhammer just outside of my dorm window so I didn't get much sleep before going to work).

I feel so disconnected to my body, it feels like I'm just playing a VR simulation, but with all the pain. After 15+ years of pain, loneliness, and depression you get kinda used to the shit life throws at you, but it doesn't get any less difficult. I just wish the depressive episodes had a trigger, I know my life is shit right now and stuff, but it could've been worse, right?

I'm just floating around the city in this malfunctioning vessel, never really experiencing life. The only thing that can keep me kind of grounded is hoping to run into @therealjacksepticeye somewhere so I can thank him for existing and stuff. I think it's safe to say I'd want to meet him more than life itself.

I don't know how people manage to live life and have a good time doing it, everyone usually seems to get whatever they want or work for, while I work as hard as I can and get nothing. I don't even have a goddamn safe place to live, I get paid enough a month to last me for about 2 weeks, so saving up for a deposit is off the table, and everything hurts no matter how well I take care of my body.

I'm so done.

I really don't know how much longer I can take this. My mood swings are getting out of hand, the depression is taking over again, I'm so alone, and I'm scared. The furthest I've planned my life is 4 days back to Holland at the end of March, and 10 days in Greece at the end of April to see my parents. If my life hasn't improved by then, I don't know, but I'm may not be around for much longer.

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Still feeling a bit down and lonely, so I drew Septiceye Sam melancholically staring out of my hostel dorm window, keeping me company :)

@therealjacksepticeye

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Aaand there's the mental breakdown again

It's been a nice few good days, not too much trouble or things going wrong, but all good things must come to an end. There's nothing worse than returning to reality after a few days of being semi-functional.

I feel so alone, sad, scared, guilty, lethargic, and tired, all I can do is lie on my bed and quietly cry to memories of friends I've lost in the last year. I don't know what is the normal rate of losing friends, but as far as I know losing 88 close friends in the course of just over a year, is quite a lot.

I don't blame them for leaving, I wouldn't want to be around me either, but hey, I don't get to have to choice of ditching me. At this point I don't know what hurt more, losing people you care about, or not caring about the people you lose.

I miss having someone close to me, feeling like someone actually appreciates my existence, even if that's a lie. I just want to feel safe, to be able to rely on someone like so many people relied on me whenever and however I could help out.

Honestly, I'm done trying to find someone that cares for longer than maybe a few months. If I were to find someone with whom I'm on the same wavelength that'd be amazing, but I don't expect that to happen. I mean, if I can't even handle myself, how can I involve someone else in my shit? They deserve better than that.

But I don't know what I do wrong as a friend. I literally explain my mental health issues time and time again but nobody believes me until I have a bad day, and within weeks they ditch me without telling me how I can improve myself. If not for them, at least help me be better for the next one...

I'm afraid the PMA has left my system for the next couple of days, it'll come back but not just yet.

Asks are always welcome,

X

Ps. I've been dealing with a bad mental health for over 15 years now (since I was 7), I've had 27 different types of therapy, had over 20 different medications. If you're wondering, it did not work for me.

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

Never skip nerve-day 💪

I'm running very low on ideas already, can you guys throw some thoughts my way? Thanks :)

@therealjacksepticeye

[the-wanderer-that-stayed]

I did not expect such awesome feedback from you guys!

Today I drew Septiceye Sam staring lovingly at a cup of delicious Dirty Bean Water :)

@therealjacksepticeye