thebipolareffect-blog1

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

I don't think I could be attentive enough.

Childfree Reason #2

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

I’m not like emo nihilist I’m more like Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy nihilist like “life is meaningless and the universe does not care about you and it’s full of casual and callous destruction might as well have a party while I still can then”

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Remember:  You may fall, but that in no way means you fail.  Life is like a roller coaster.  There are always ups and downs and twists and turns.  Some times the dips are extreme, but that only leads to a different height on a different path.  Hold on tight.  The ride isn’t over yet.

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Childfree? PLEASE.

The doctor lied to me. He did not tell me no. He did not explain why he would not. He only said that he could not due to my insurance not covering it. I wanted to cry in his office. I wanted to scream in his face. I want this done so badly. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to shove hormones into my body. I don't want to do any of this anymore. 

He told me that I was too young. That since I was under 30 and unmarried and childless, my insurance would flat out refuse. He wouldn't double check, he wouldn't look at the coverage for me. E didn't even know how to respond. I continued on with the pap smear and pelvic exam...uncomfortable, of course. The doctor left the exam room and I cried. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. Why am I old enough to have children and raise them but NOT old enough to decide that I don't want them? 18 years (possibly more) spent raising a child is so terrifying to me. I don't want to be locked into taking care of some other human being like that, and I should be able to opt out 100%. 

I came home and researched my insurance's coverage in my state. I found this: If Medicaid Is To Pay For Your Sterilization, Certain Rules Must Be Met

:- You must be at least 21 years old. 

 - You must wait at least 30 days to have the  operation after you sign the consent  (permission) form. The only exception to  this is when you have a premature birth or  emergency abdominal surgery at least 72  hours after you sign the form.

 - Your consent to sterilization cannot be  given while you are in labor or childbirth  or under the influence of alcohol or other  substances that affect your ability to think  clearly. 

 - You may, if you choose, bring someone  with you when you sign the consent form.  

- Your consent is good for 180 days (6  months) from the date you sign the form 

UM...check to all the above! Scrolling down further in the document reveals: When can I have my tubes tied? 

You can have your tubes tied at any time in your life. For Medicaid to pay for the operation, you must be at least 21 years of age.  

You can have your tubes tied even if you are married or if you do not have children.  

You can have the operation after having a baby, even if you have a baby by Cesarean Section. In either of these two cases, you must make up your mind at least 30 days before the baby is due.

I feel...confused and hurt. I trusted a doctor to be upfront and honest with me and he wasn't. If he was ill-informed then, sure...double checking would have saved him. If he wasn't comfortable performing the surgery....say so! Let me get on with myself and find another doctor. I have an appointment in the next town over on the 22nd. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Daily Check-in #6

I missed yesterdays (#5). Things are sucky right now.

Date & Time: 8/2/2017 11:45PM Mood Summary: Not awful, better than yesterday. Hours of Sleep: 8 Quality of Sleep: 5 Food yet?: Some trash food earlier Medication yet?: No. I have not been able to refill my meds. Anxiety Level (1-10): 8 Irritability Level: 7 Energy Level: 5 Mental Clarity: 6 Impulsiveness: 3 Medication changes?: Just not able to take my Prozac Goal for the day: Nothing. Goal for the week: Nothing Something to look forward to: Nothing.

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

US Helplines:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

FREE 24/7 suicide hotlines:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

(Source)

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Anyone else get paranoid that you’re super annoying and boring and just the overall source of someone’s bad mood when you’re talking to them and their answers suddenly become one worded auto responses or is it just me?

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Daily Check-in #4

Date & Time: 7/31/2017 12:03PM Mood Summary: Kind of alright. Hours of Sleep: 11 Quality of Sleep: 8 Food yet?: in the works Anxiety Level (1-10): 8 Irritability Level: 3 Energy Level: 8 Mental Clarity: 4 Impulsiveness: 2 Medication changes?: no Goal for the day: Work on the office Goal for the week: get the office and living room cleanish Something to look forward to: Hard to think of something but I guess our mini road trip next week

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Daily Check-in #3

Date & Time: 7/30/2017 8:52am Mood Summary: Good. Particularly anxious though. Hours of Sleep: 9ish Quality of Sleep: 5 Food yet?: No Medication yet?: No Anxiety Level (1-10): 8 Irritability Level: 6 Energy Level: 8 Mental Clarity: 8 Impulsiveness: 3 Medication changes?: Started taking Strattera at night along with my Prozac Goal for the day: Finish what I've been putting off all weekend. Goal for the week: Get the house reasonable. Something to look forward to:Trip to VA soon.

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

By all means, talk and raise awareness about depression. But please mention:

•Not showering or brushing your teeth for two weeks •Getting sick from a vitamin D deficiency because you haven’t been outside in a solid month •Getting lightheaded when you stand up from bed because you’ve been laying down for days •The body pains •Shampoo not bubbling because this is the first time you washed your hair in three weeks •Over stimulation •Pity from a distance •'Get over yourself, there’s people *in Africa starving, with cancer, homeless, living in poverty, dying, ect.’ •Massive weight gain •Massive weight loss •Both •Your body literally changing how it looks and deposits fat based on frequent weight gain and loss •Hair loss •Zero self esteem •Breaking out in acne so bad you can’t put your head on a pillow from pain •Being too depressed to commit suicide •Self imposed isolation •Stomach cramps •Nausea •Vomiting •'You’re so dramatic, it can’t be that bad’

If you don’t, I’m not saying you’re not raising awareness, but you definitely need to step up your game

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Daily Check-in #2

Date & Time: 7/29/2017  7:09 am Mood Summary: Happyish. Probably about a 7 on a scale of 1-10 Hours of Sleep: 10 Quality of Sleep: Pretty okay. I didn't wake up a lot other than to pee Food yet?: yes. Medication yet?: Not time yet. Maybe I should do check-ins at night? lol Anxiety Level (1-10): 2 Irritability Level: 1 Energy Level: 8 Mental Clarity: 8 Impulsiveness: 5 Medication changes?: None. Thinking about taking Strattera before bed. Goal for the day: I need to buy tights for a funeral I'm going to. I also need to do laundry that I didn't finish yesterday. Goal for the week: Get the house done. Something to look forward to: I'm getting my hair cut and dyed today

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

I’m always overcome with fear but you’re the best I could ask for

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Learning to manage chronic illness is trial and error based, and mistakes are inevitable even if you try really hard to avoid them. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You are still learning and will get better with time

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Daily Check-in #1

Date & Time: 7/28/2017 6:45am Mood Summary: Flat feeling. Not high or low.  Hours of Sleep: 4 (12a-4a) Quality of Sleep (1-10): 3 Food yet?: None yet. Medication yet?: None yet Anxiety Level (1-10): 3 Irritability Level: 5 Energy Level: 6 Mental Clarity: 8 Impulsiveness: 1 Medication changes?: Started Strattera 60mg yesterday. Goal for the day: Finish laundry Goal for the week: Work on the house with E Something to look forward to: I’m excited about working on an ADHD diagnosis. I’ve also applied to a lot of jobs so hearing back from any of them would be nice.

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

quick self-check

Are you hungry? Should you get some food?

Are you thirsty? Have you had anything to drink in the last two hours? Should you get a drink?

Do you need the bathroom? Do you need a shower?

How is your posture? Are you sitting comfortably? Are you sitting in a way that is good for your back?

Check the time. Have you been on for too long? Are you ready for any scheduled things you have today? Were you going to work, exercise or sleep in this time?

Are you the right temperature? Too warm, too cold?

How is the air? Is it stuffy? Do you need to open a window or go outside?

Have you taken your meds and/or birth control?

Is your music loud? Could it be turned down to spare your hearing? Are there background noises that are stressing you out?

Are you developing a screen headache? Have you had a break in the last hour?

Have your hands had a rest from typing and clicking? Are they tired?

How are you feeling? Are you getting stressed? Is your stomach settled? Are you tense? Is there anything bothering you? Do you need to pause? Do you need to meditate?

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

Today I panicked.

Counseling went well yesterday. We didn't talk about anything new. Most of it was already spoken about between the two of us on our own. I did mention being insecure about his parents not liking me and/or judging me. That was new. The counselor mentioned ADHD. Something I was diagnosed with before but figured it was a misdiagnosis. It makes sense though. The inability to focus, often talking over people, often interrupting, not being able to sit still. Today I woke up a complete mess. I could not focus long enough to make and eat breakfast. I got up to get water in the kitchen and ended up hyperventilating on the floor because I couldn't remember what I was in there for. I called my psych. She said to come in as soon as I could, today if possible. We talked for a while and she said: "Hey, have you ever thought that you might have ADHD?" 'Uh...kinda.' I explained the previous diagnosis and why I didn't stick with the treatment. "Would you be comfortable trying again?" So here I am, 12 hours later. Wanting to puke my guts up because of Strattera. Ugh.

[thebipolareffect-blog1]

I don't want to pass on my disorder.

Childfree Reason #1