thedookness

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Christopher Myers, Let the Mermaids Flirt With Me, at Fort Gansevoort.

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Sub aunties for mother and you got my fam on lock

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Love in the Afternoon (1957)

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Source: bell hooks interview with Abigail Bereola of Shondaland, 2017

Image description: A still image from the 90’s TV sitcom Saved By The Bell. Jessie and Kelly are wearing hula skirts and bikini tops. They are in the act of dancing, and both have tentative expressions on their faces (interpretation of scene my own). The caption reads, “Women are made to feel that we aren’t safe and that, in fact, we might feel that we’ll be safe if we acknowledge flaws, if we have an assumption of vulnerability.”

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I couldn’t find any pics of Connie Britton on People or E!, and I fucking wonder why. Best dressed bitch!

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Not Worried

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Space octopus, cause why not.

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It!

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1.23.17

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I had an article published for Full Belly Laughs! Check back for podcast episodes and more great articles like this one.

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Dude. How cool is this poster? THURSDAY! Photo by @bradkingett - best headshot a in the city! #ifidosaysomyselfie #Repost @americansardine with @repostapp. ・・・ This Thursday is our monthly #PhillyComedy jawn in the UpBar. We've got a solid line-up of #PhillyImprov and standup AND it's free! Joining @The_Sardines this month will be @TheDookness (pictured), @ToothbrushMoney, #PeterSteele and #Fracas. (at American Sardine Bar)

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Go Home and J.O., Loverboy

Recently, there’s been a bunch of discussion about sexual harassment and assault within the Philadelphia comedy circuit. The catalyst was the public outing of a couple of perpetrating individuals involved in the comedy scene by several female comedians. Their real actions and crimes are being dealt with in real life so I’m stepping back to address the social media reaction in social media life (although some of my frustration stems from face to face conversations with local entertainers).

The majority of the community that cared to respond to the news abhorred the violation of women that took place, pledged their swords to eradicating the problem, and then they went back to sneaker shopping and snapchatting (I’ll get to you folks later). Then there were a significant percentage of contenders that, while making sure to point out that they in no way condone sexual violence, were worried that the newly documented information would cause collateral damage against decent law-abiding male comedians. This is where I have to take a deep breath and keep myself from typing “That’s what you’re thinking about?!?!?!” over and over again. Instead I will listen to their main concerns (there were only two) in earnest and try to assuage their fears.

Concern #1: “This is going to create a totalitarian PC culture where every time I used the word ‘bitch,’ I’ll be called a sexist.”

First of all, I’m confused how “totalitarian” is in your vocabulary but you think saying bitch and being called sexist is a 1-to-1 ratio. You really need to say it a lot before it starts coming off misogynistic. Secondly, there are no laws against making someone feel crummy about themselves but there are laws against rape and making someone fear for their physical safety. So fellas, if you’ve ever called a girl a cunt, don’t worry, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO JAIL.

Real people are getting hurt and you’re talking about freedom of expression? [This is where I reminded myself to listen in earnest]

Concern #2: “I don’t want some chick falsely accusing me of rape.”

…Ok… maybe if we… ok… hmmm. Can we agree that real rape outnumbers fake accusations?

Try to appreciate how hard it is for women to report sexual assault. They face obstacles like shame and guilt, fear of not being believed, and sometimes uncertainty about the definition of assault because, let’s face it, people are scared to discuss it even outside the context of it actually happening. Even in theory, the topic makes us sweat. Any particular woman would have to love you/hate you on a galactic scale to try to file fraudulent charges against you that will probably be brushed off by the police anyway regardless of validity. It’s a good thing other crimes aren’t as hard to prosecute. Imagine being stabbed in the back with a knife but you lived in a society where you didn’t feel safe enough to say anything until you found out 5 other people got stabbed by the same person, and in your state stabbing has a statute of limitations. Pretty messed up world.

And to those of you who just can’t let go of the possibility of false accusations: You remember how livid you were when news broke that a white cop refused to support the Black Lives Matter movement because he didn’t want to be falsely accused of unjustly killing an African American? I’ll leave you to create the parallels between the two scenarios.

[I’ve seen some men in the community use the idiom “Throwing the baby out with the bathwater” when explaining how a push to expose sexual harassment leads to a witch hunt of all men. Try to understand you’re not a baby, you’re a rational full grown adult and if a baby had your mental capacity then it would realize that this particular bathwater was acid and distance itself from that bad news]

As promised I’m now talking to all you “allies” out there. I’m calling on you to raise what you call the bare minimum. Yes, we all want to be heroes; if we saw a violent sex crime in progress in an alleyway we would call the authorities or personally step in to stop it, but on the daily front, shifting away from a society that stays quiet about sexual harassment and assault requires empathy and compassion. It’s critical to listening to complaints of sexual misconduct before they evolve into something worse. This way you’ll have an opportunity to add up all the clues and prevent ill motives.

It will require patience, which is by far the hardest fact to swallow. The problem won’t be over anytime soon and you’ll have to put in long hours and be diligent. But it will be worth it.

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In lieu of a text post, this week I have a visual treat - an oldie but a goodie from an awesome night at L'Etage with “Hey, We’re Cool!” Check them out every first Thursday of the month for a great variety of comedy from Philly’s funniest comedians and make sure to give them a like on Facebook!

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How to Commit to Commitment

“I’ll never settle down. I want to do seasonal work with circus ring crews for the rest of my life and decorate my house with more cats.” At some point, every woman has said that to a bleary-eyed drunk over a filthy beer glass. The appeal of being single is strong. No one you have to check in with when you're out, no one stealing your French fries when you intended to eat all of them. No one combing your hair out to sew into little sweaters for their pet Sphynx. Why bother? Other people are exhausting, and once they get to know you, they think you're exhausting, too! Fuck other people, right? Well, that is until one day you’re at a bar and you meet the most neurotic person in the world and that makes you laugh, and then you can’t stop thinking about them and you realize, “Oh, wow, this is what Nicki Minaj meant when she said, ‘I floss every day but I ain't a dentist.’” You think. Either way, you’ve fallen in love, and you need to change your lifestyle to make room for somebody else, you selfish leftswipe.* But how? 1. Get it out of your system All those things you can do as a single woman? Do them. Now. You don’t know if this guy is the one and you’ll never spend an entire day masturbating to every episode of Buffy. Have all of your platonic male friends over for one last sleepover. Survive on a large pizza for a week. Delete the tumblr account that you use to look at porn gifs. From now on, your every waking moment could be walked in on by the person you want to share your life with. 2. Really get to work on those bad habits No one knows you like your lover. And as you get closer, all of those little flaws and white lies will show themselves. So, go on, and work on being a better you. Stop eating fried chicken and whole ice cream cakes in bed, and switch to kale shards and rice juice because you told him you've been eating clean for the past six months. Speaking of clean, clean your fucking room. Doing bong rips and lining up all of your concert tickets in alphabetical order on your dresser doesn’t count. 3. Make sure he knows he's important to you Your man knows that you’ve been living a crazy independent life because you told him about that time you lived in a closet in the house of a moped gang leader. And he doesn’t want to step on your toes. So, even though you're perfectly capable on your own, set up a couple of situations to let him know you don't know what you'd do without him. Store things you need frequently super high up, and throw away your step stool. If he’s shorter than you, even better. Use him as a step stool to reach high objects and show him that he’s the object of your affection. Or, better yet, develop a crippling addiction or terminal illness that requires you remain under constant supervision. Every man wants to be needed, and actions speak louder than words, etc., etc. 4. Create room in your life for another person Both emotionally and physically. Let go of all the shitty things your weird ex said about your kneecaps. Throw away all of your undies with holes that weren't placed there intentionally. Tell the bartender you see three days a week after work that you’ll be seeing each other less frequently, but thanks for all the good times. Ghost on that friend who’s always telling you what a bad person you are when she’s had a couple of martinis. Kill your pets. You're all his now. 5. Memorize the lyrics to every Nicki Minaj song ever recorded You’ll need something to scream into his face every day to wake him up. If you really love him, you will do this. This is one of the most important steps to creating a lasting, loving bond between two consenting adults. The slick rhymes and poppin’ beats of Queen Nicki are like a aphrodisiac for commitment. Even the smell of your disgusting morning breath will change, and he may be able to look you in your pasty, wretched face. Like a religious scholar memorizing a sacred text, he will be in awe of your canonic knowledge and will want to pull up in the jag and hit it with the jab like dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun. *leftswipe: n. A person generally deemed undesirable on a particular dating app.