thefoolx - Tumblr blog

[thefoolx]

Today… 2024

Crazy

I feel like im pouring from an empty cup.

i make sure to text you, make sure I’m thinking about you, i am thinking about you all day regardless and thinking I don’t even know if you like me, I make sure you feel comfortable, secure, unjudged, making sure to staying mature, loving and understanding.

You’ve said it before, your falling for me, words are fine but actions… i love the way you look at me, like im actually pretty, like im actually worthy of love. But you don’t show it, sure you touch me, physically I’m in love but mentally… I’m guessing.

am I being to fast, too slow, am I bothering you, am I boring you, am I doing this right?

What even is right?

I check on you, I can tell when you’re upset but you can’t tell when I am… sure my tone is flat but at least prod, ask, worry half as much as I do… you open up, you pull back, you open up, you pull back.

It makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells, like you tell me I can’t do anything wrong but I am somehow.

I love you, I’ve wanted to stay it for a while now… but I’m scared you’d think I’m going to fast… that you won’t say it back and I would have scared off yet another person I’ve grown fond of.

I’m scared to talk to you or even open up, I know I’m not the softest person, some would even said masculine but im scared you’ll judge me, you’ll hate me, you’ll never wanna talk to me again and that scares me.

I’m a lot, I’m anxious, stubborn, impulsive, insecure, indecisive, nonchalant, independent… and i understand if it’s easier not to deal with me and all my problems and feelings.

If you pull the uno reverse card and block me right now without another word.

It just doesn’t feel fair.

I spent money, did whatever you wanted, I was exhausted, bought you food and clothes and it seems like maybe I tried to hard?

like maybe I like you a lot more then you like me and that scares me.

All this to say… I actually don’t know, I’m lost, I want you to like me, to text me, to want to text me without me reaching out first most of the time, I don’t want to play games.

I’m too anxious, no reassurance, no text, no call.

Love bombing, then walking away and just letting me sit in an anxiety state wondering if I pushed your too hard, upset you, made you open up to me? I repeat “don’t say it if you don’t want to” you said it, you feel comfortable, is it bad that I don’t, you say there’s nothing to mess up, that nothings at stake.

You know what’s at stake?

I think I’m unlikable, that my personality is only good enough for others to laugh at and walk away, like I’ve never had substance or personality, that I made my entire existence rejecting whatever label people put on me.

I’m afraid I’d open up, about my home life… about my feelings and you’d just walk away, that you’d be less understanding or less interested in me… it’s been three months on July 15th.

three months for me to decide I want to date you, regardless of the distance, the cost of coming to see you, but I feel like I’m not getting the same treatment.

Like you told me you’d come see me and have made no effort, not telling me to take a day off or asking about my schedule or plans?

you tell me if I’m being crazy or not.

I feel crazy.

you make me feel crazy.

[thefoolx]

The toss

Summer 2019

I’ve got a treat for you

One like no other

A toss away friend

None like sister nor brother

This Toss away friend is here to serve

So toss them away it’s what they deserve

Like tissue or napkin

Paper or letter

Forget about them

Go away once again

And though this friend is aware of their end

They will be your very best friend

They are all new in their shape and their color

A fine catch they are, really like no other

Their insecure, paranoid, and clingy

It’s honestly sad, so take on such pity

That’s why you can throw them away quite quickly

And buy a new friend just as slickly

But when they discover that their a person

Their attitude will worsen and worsen and worsen

For they have seen a glimmer inside

Now there is nothing left to hide

But throw them away

avoid the dismay

So, here’s a new toy

One to enjoy

A throw away friend

Who’s made to pretend

When you’ve played with the toy and when you are done

End it all quickly with your biggest shot gun.

[thefoolx]

Life’s monsters

September 2019

They sat by the clear water, reflecting the beautiful sky above them. They begin to weep filling the water higher and higher, turning the pond into a lake, and lake into an ocean of tears. They just wanted to disappear, they just wanted to disappear, they wanted to crawl into a burrow in the earth and riot there. Life which makes such beautiful things. Can also make ugly monsters, they where constantly surrounded by life’s monsters. Monsters always seemed to be attracted to them, and them to the monsters. They could never escape life’s monsters, for they were a monster too. They tried so hard to be better, though it was never meant to be.

They hated that they were born a monster.

They hated that they were born.

[thefoolx]

Life’s monsters

September 2019

They sat by the clear water, reflecting the beautiful sky above them. They begin to weep filling the water higher and higher, turning the pond into a lake, and lake into an ocean of tears. They just wanted to disappear, they just wanted to disappear, they wanted to crawl into a burrow in the earth and riot there. Life which makes such beautiful things. Can also make ugly monsters, they where constantly surrounded by life’s monsters. Monsters always seemed to be attracted to them, and them to the monsters. They could never escape life’s monsters, for they were a monster too. They tried so hard to be better, though it was never meant to be.

They hated that they were born a monster.

They hated that they were born.

[thefoolx]

The toss

Summer 2019

I’ve got a treat for you

One like no other

A toss away friend

None like sister nor brother

This Toss away friend is here to serve

So toss them away it’s what they deserve

Like tissue or napkin

Paper or letter

Forget about them

Go away once again

And though this friend is aware of their end

They will be your very best friend

They are all new in their shape and their color

A fine catch they are, really like no other

Their insecure, paranoid, and clingy

It’s honestly sad, so take on such pity

That’s why you can throw them away quite quickly

And buy a new friend just as slickly

But when they discover that their a person

Their attitude will worsen and worsen and worsen

For they have seen a glimmer inside

Now there is nothing left to hide

But throw them away

avoid the dismay

So, here’s a new toy

One to enjoy

A throw away friend

Who’s made to pretend

When you’ve played with the toy and when you are done

End it all quickly with your biggest shot gun.

[thefoolx]

Standing up

Do you know the little conversation we had actually made me cry?

I had no idea why until it hit,

your a toxic person,

with you around i feel horrible about myself.

you put me down like I’m no one and without question I have put with all your crap.

you know what else absolutely gets me fired up?

The fact that you can praise and love everybody else but when it comes to me I’m just

stupid,

stupid,

stupid.

You try to make me look stupid in front of our friends to win back their friendship that you will never earn back.

You betrayed them. Me.

after you constantly putting me down, making me feel like the second best and that I could never win your friendship.

I still put up with you changing so that you can get a boy and switching up because for some reason you’re above me.

Did it ever occur to you that I have feelings? did it ever occur to you that I’m not OK mentally?

but the second I talk about myself is when you stop listening.

having your new friends is more important, so you go ahead and have your FAKE friends.

Because I’m sick of feeling less than just because of you because

I am smart

I am beautiful

I deserve much better friends,

Other than someone who puts me down constantly and never listens to what I have to say.

you will no longer be associating yourself with me!

I am a goddess compared to you

I get that you’re not OK mentally, I get it you have your problems and I was willing to put up with it

not anymore.

I am tired of pretending that I am not mad over every single thing you do and I’m tired of acting like your bad actions are OK.

Remember when you cried to me about dating your ex and you were at your absolute lowest point?

I was your shoulder to cry on but I have no shoulder to cry on. I’m absolutely done with you and I’m done pretending that everything’s OK. because it’s not, your actions are NOT ok with me.

[thefoolx]

Bad friend song

I know i can be rude

I know i can be tough

But girl you gotta know

That enough is enough

Put my thoughts on a plate

Next to feelings and trust

But you pushed it to the floor

So baby now I’m out the door

Thought you were honest

Thought you where nice

Thought you where made from sugar and spice

But no...

Were talking bout a bad friend

Got suffering to no end

Your making me sad, Friend

Your just another bad friend

I’m suffocating

In the lies your making

Your making me sad, Friend

just another bad friend

I layed out my love

I layed out my life

But all your could give me

Was some crappie advice

I’m just a tool your where using

A friend just abusing

Didn’t wanna feel lonely

But god you where a phony

Thought you were honest

Thought you where nice

Thought you where made from sugar and spice

But no...

Were talking bout a bad friend

Got suffering to no end

Your making me sad, Friend

Your just another bad friend

I’m suffocating

In the lies your making

Your making me sad, Friend

just another bad friend

(x2)

It’s nice to know I’m alone

Ain’t gunna pick that phone

With all the crap you been takin’

You know thats what sent me walkin’

Thought you were honest

Thought you where nice

Thought you where made from sugar and spice

But no...

Were talking bout a bad friend

Got suffering to no end

Your making me sad, Friend

Your just another bad friend

I’m suffocating

In the lies your making

Your making me sad, Friend

just another bad friend

Were talking bout a bad friend

Got suffering to no end

Your making me sad, Friend

Your just another bad friend

I’m suffocating

In the lyings your making

Your making me sad, Friend

just another bad friend

[thefoolx]

Drowning

It feels like I’m drowning and I’m just letting it happen.

I’m fighting and fighting, but fighting is getting to hard.

Or maybe I’m just getting too weak.

Or maybe I’m just getting too weak.

[thefoolx]

Truly

2018, December.

I was over your house, you had forgotten my birthday, but you needed help with a project… I agreed.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

We were bored the night before the independent project need to begin, I had my own makeup for the day, and it was your house.

“Let’s trade makeup routines.”

Fun, I was here with her… an activity, so close to her face.

I was in love.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

“Where is your foundation I’ll start.”

“No use yours, we are supposed to swap” she replies.

Rotten.

A pit in my stomach, a sentence to break the hex, how did I not see.

“Ok” I hesitated; I was in HER house…. I need to do what she wanted.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

This isn’t right but who am I to point fingers at an invisible man, especially to HER.

I put the foundation on her face, the pit grows with every bounce of the blender, with every pore I fill with the color of my ancestors.

Rotten.

Rotten.

Rotten.

I Finnish and joke and I laughed… why did I laugh, It wasn’t funny, it was uncomfortable. But it was her.

Madly

Truly.

She did me, it wasn’t right, but her Breath on my face, the warm presents she had. Like a hex from a wicked witch. A rose pair of sunglasses glued to the inside of my brain. The pit didn’t go away, but she made it flower filled so the flowers, in theory, would break the impact.

Madly

Truly.

Years pass … I show the evidence to friends and family, the flower filled pit never leaves my side.

“That’s black face…”

No, it can’t be, my rose glasses brake, I can see clear as glass… the invisible man was right there…. Why couldn’t I point him out?

Madly

Truly.

John. That’s all we ever talked about. I wanted to bring it up, but John was always the priority, so I stayed quiet, picked up the remainder of my rose-colored glasses and squinted.

Truly.

Fighting continues, you picked John over me, I always knew it, threw those squinted eyes I could see the choices you’d gravitate towards. John hated my kind, all people different from him. I wonder if you saw something in John. Something i couldn’t give you…

Truly.

Years later, I’m heal, posting, venting. And you see it… you message me.

“How dare you.”

I laugh, I can point at the invisible man now!! I can see clear and without hex! She chose John and not us. Not me.

I fire back.

Truly.

I’ve been block for years, words never said. This book never really closed. An account… your account…

“Let’s be mean.”

You apologized.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

You wanted to make up and move past.

Madly

Truly.

You blamed me for not knowing.

Truly.

You haven’t grown at all, I can’t accept this.

Truly. Rotten.

I don’t believe you’re a monster or irredeemable… you don’t want to learn and that will keep you wrong and ignorant.

Truly. Rotten.

I want to have this conversation. I don’t want to fight anymore but you don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen.

You can’t learn.

You can’t listen.

Truly. Rotten.

By,

the Foolx

[thefoolx]

Truly

2018, December.

I was over your house, you had forgotten my birthday, but you needed help with a project… I agreed.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

We were bored the night before the independent project need to begin, I had my own makeup for the day, and it was your house.

“Let’s trade makeup routines.”

Fun, I was here with her… an activity, so close to her face.

I was in love.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

“Where is your foundation I’ll start.”

“No use yours, we are supposed to swap” she replies.

Rotten.

A pit in my stomach, a sentence to break the hex, how did I not see.

“Ok” I hesitated; I was in HER house…. I need to do what she wanted.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

This isn’t right but who am I to point fingers at an invisible man, especially to HER.

I put the foundation on her face, the pit grows with every bounce of the blender, with every pore I fill with the color of my ancestors.

Rotten.

Rotten.

Rotten.

I Finnish and joke and I laughed… why did I laugh, It wasn’t funny, it was uncomfortable. But it was her.

Madly

Truly.

She did me, it wasn’t right, but her Breath on my face, the warm presents she had. Like a hex from a wicked witch. A rose pair of sunglasses glued to the inside of my brain. The pit didn’t go away, but she made it flower filled so the flowers, in theory, would break the impact.

Madly

Truly.

Years pass … I show the evidence to friends and family, the flower filled pit never leaves my side.

“That’s black face…”

No, it can’t be, my rose glasses brake, I can see clear as glass… the invisible man was right there…. Why couldn’t I point him out?

Madly

Truly.

John. That’s all we ever talked about. I wanted to bring it up, but John was always the priority, so I stayed quiet, picked up the remainder of my rose-colored glasses and squinted.

Truly.

Fighting continues, you picked John over me, I always knew it, threw those squinted eyes I could see the choices you’d gravitate towards. John hated my kind, all people different from him. I wonder if you saw something in John. Something i couldn’t give you…

Truly.

Years later, I’m heal, posting, venting. And you see it… you message me.

“How dare you.”

I laugh, I can point at the invisible man now!! I can see clear and without hex! She chose John and not us. Not me.

I fire back.

Truly.

I’ve been block for years, words never said. This book never really closed. An account… your account…

“Let’s be mean.”

You apologized.

Deeply

Madly

Truly.

You wanted to make up and move past.

Madly

Truly.

You blamed me for not knowing.

Truly.

You haven’t grown at all, I can’t accept this.

Truly. Rotten.

I don’t believe you’re a monster or irredeemable… you don’t want to learn and that will keep you wrong and ignorant.

Truly. Rotten.

I want to have this conversation. I don’t want to fight anymore but you don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen. You don’t want to learn. You don’t want to listen.

You can’t learn.

You can’t listen.

Truly. Rotten.

By,

the Foolx