theglassboxx - Tumblr blog

[theglassboxx]

This is one of those candid real life oh my God did she really admit that?

In 2019 I ended up addicted to Ritalin - yep - I mean I could pop a pill and not feel a thing yet felt like I needed it to survive- I had no idea it was because I was hypo manic - I thought that for the first time I was smart and able to accomplish things and be happy a lot- I did Feel like myself before I “broke”

In all reality with my education I should have seen it but really you don’t when it’s you

In 2020 I ended up having to come off of multiple meds- I suddenly became allergic to lamictal which I had been on for years- and suddenly Ritalin wasn’t given me the ups

So In 2020 I ended up withdrawing from the meds at home

My doctors didn’t give a damn, I was a number and I can recall the amount of “samples” I’d be given- which we know is cause there some sort of agreement with pharmaceutical companies and docs.

It was fucking hell, full on, mind blowing hell-

I begged for death- I cried , I tried to turn myself in, I tried to get help, I prayed, went to priest , tried church , I mean everything - but withdrawing off of Ritalin and ativan at once- ha- you think you know hell till you are the demon making it hell-

I don’t know how but my husband kept me alive, truthfully I don’t know how- I planned my suicide- I was going to hang myself from my kitchen fan with my favorite robe on -hanging by my robe string-

But thing is I didn’t want to die

I wanted THAT part of me to die

The part I feel I have no control over

I felt like I wasn’t in charge of my

Own mind

And physically - did you know how physically debilitating anxiety /depression and bipolar can be ? I would hurt all over- I’d throw up id feel sick with anxiety

And night time - oh night time was the best- it’s when all my bipolar demons come out and every bad decision every short coming every thing comes to surface at night- and during that time I had no Ambien- I went 4 days sleeping 2 hours- I was gone- my husband would have to rush home randomly to be with me-

The sweats

The shakes

The pain

Your mind

All of it-

It’s fucking hell-

Keith Kane - we haven’t had the easiest beginning - but going through what we did last year to get me through my WORST episode of mania in my life-

It made us different , not just stronger , but patient , and understanding

You were one of the few who didn’t judge me when I tried to shave off my hair, or all the other manic things I’ve done- you have grown to such a wonderful man-

Bipolar is a beast, I eventually was diagnosed , or re- diagnosed - but the this time with bipolar type one not two

And yes I called the Veterans Health Administration (VHA) - U.S. Department of Veterans AffairsI have the Text they told me to try and take a walk to calm down-

Eventually I got a call from the local va, a doctor called and said I needed to go through a 30 day program and that they were sorry they just realized I was high risk- as I have been committed before- that was all I heard

Let me tell you what , this month I got another phone call from the VA before my annual appointment and the nurse asked me if I finished the program- I was like what program ? She said and I quote “oh it seems as though you slipped threw the cracks”

Than I go to my annual appointment and she tells me the VA doesn’t care… word for word

And you know what , she was the realist person I had ever seen at the VA, I know I’m a number , - broke dick as they call.

Our system , our mental health system , is a utter joke in this country, don’t get me started on our government health care -

And Military OneSource won’t help if you have bipolar - they are the ones that turned me in last time and after that it was as if they washed their hands-

[theglassboxx]

My face when I realize that since my last manic break I’m afraid to be happy. I’m afraid too much good means something bad -

[theglassboxx]

What they don’t tell you about bipolar is that for the rest of your life you’re scared to be happy. It’s one of our signs of mania and I keep thinking I need to control my own happiness

[theglassboxx]

I can hear me inside my mind

Like a muffled scream

Trying to get out

Moments like this

When meds aren’t working

And I’m not ok

Does it remind me of a glass box

I can see and hear myself

But that’s not me

[theglassboxx]

Commitment

Today my Facebook timeline reminded me of my commitment in 2012, yep… I turned myself in but apparently, I was a flight risk. So, it became an involuntary commitment. Yall I can remember a lot of that day. My ex- he had left the house again and he had this habit of not coming back for days. I broke, I had my two kids under two and I broke… My heart hurts because I hope my kids don’t remember, I was broken and I wasn’t in a healthy relationship… To my kids, I’m so sorry, so sorry, I wanted to get better for you guys. I wanted to be the best mom I could be, forgive me and know I tried. Any ways, done crying now. I called a hotline for military- it was supposed to be helpful. They called the ambulance for me…. I had someone call my ex to get the kids and I was taken away. The hospital had a social worker come talk to me. They gave me a sedative and I remember waking up to the social worker, nurses, and a sheriff with shackles. This was terrifying, the sheriff asked me if I was a runner, and I was huge back then and I laughed and said “you think my fat ass is running?”! it was like 2 am when I got to Snowden (the treatment center). The doc came and assessed me, that when I started asking questions, and that’s when they told me it was a mandatory 72-hour hold. That I would have to go in front of the magistrate before being released . I got to my room, dirty and tired and wanted to shower. I was not allowed asto not wake up my roommate. I was sooooo scared and lost… I couldn’t have my kids come see me cause if you were involuntary than you couldn’t have guest or even go to the cafeteria. I met some amazing people and some that made me seem sane. My first breakfast the next morning, there were some women that were like high as a kite, drugged, what ever you want to call it.  I began to talk to people and met some amazing ladies. We were all there for different reasons but shared a bond. I went to art classed, group therapy, all the things you see on tv. Stood in lines for medication all that good shit. I distinctly remember saying that I better not wake up and some crazy bitch in my room staring at me... well yal you know I jinxed it. I woke up in the middle of the night to an older woman in a moo moo talking to her self next to my bed and proceeded to piss … I cant make that up. One-woman believed she had a gift and worked for the CIA to find stuff for them, and that they bug her house and spy on her. Another was pregnant and was in there after a break down cause of her poly relationship was not working. Now lastly I remember this girl ill call Sally that was in there for awhile, you knew she was a frequent visitor but had been there awhile (in other word her armpit and leg hair were long so I knew that they wouldn’t give her a razor). Well I started to make people laugh like I usually do, and she did not like it. So, she started screaming at us to stop laughing. The nurses were like ummm what? We ended up arguing ,I wasn’t mad I was more like “WTF”. So I left and went to my room, but Sally didn’t let it go, she started throwing VHS tapes down the hall and screaming. I don’t remember what the final straw was but I remember them sending her to her room and her being violent   (which was normal apparently ). I hear her arguing and screaming and more and more nurses come down the hall, and a security guard. All my life I would never have imagined id be listening to this or experiencing this, next thing I knew there was a nurse coming down the hall with this big ass shot. I hear her fighting them and then nothing…. she was TKO. I didn’t see her the rest of the day. Seeing my kids for the first time in 4 days was amazing, cutest kids in my life. Even with all that my ex didn’t care.

July after my release he picked an argument, and for reason I was done. I told him he didn’t come home I was leaving. Now I will be honest, I left that man so many times and always came back, even after several infidelities. I was insecure and unhappy , what can I say shit happens. I packed what I could in my Kia Sorrento- my bank account read -$500- yes that’s a negative. My parent sent me 40 bucks I put gas in my car got the kids food and drove back home, lucky I was just a state away. I got phone calls and text about him seen with another woman in the barracks while I was gone. It ended up under investigation, don’t really know what happened. I just know that I was done.

Stay tuned for more!

[theglassboxx]

Truth be told- meds

I have been quiet for a bit; it is not that I do not want to write! Its that my meds (or lack thereof) made it difficult. I was diagnosed in 2009/2010-time frame but have been steadily medicated since 2012. I do not know what happened or how but in January, I am guessing I felt fine and stopped taking my meds. Truthfully, I was wondering if I bipolar, I mean I did not feel it anymore (shit is tricky). Then my grandmother passed, and for some reason that was the straw that broke the camel’s back ( I do not handle death well). I lost it. CONFESSION: I do not remember much of that week I spiraled, but it was hell. I can remember me waking up at 3 am getting dressed putting makeup on and yelling for my kids to wake up and clean!!!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL???!!!! It was not till 3 days in my husband and I realized I was going through mania, and really was the first time I have went through full blown mania with my husband. My ex-husband seen it a lot as I was not medicated too much, but since my commitment in 2012 I have been on my shit! My husband and I agreed to tell my kids why mami was acting so funny, they get it but it still breaks my heart. I know they don’t care but I know that from experience having a bipolar parent sucks -but the bright side is I do take my meds usually and I’m pretty freakin awesome…and no offense to my parents but I don’t want to raise them with my mood swings being normal! I grew up with and undiagnosed mother, hell I am sure I could have been diagnosed earlier, bipolar was cliché and embarrassing and well frankly a secret.

I have been at the same clinic since my diagnosis, but I felt like I became a number – that they got too big for their britches, cause all that happens- once a month I’d go in gets meds … Here’s the thing though, I have been on controlled substances for over a year, I mean how good is that ?! my meds for fun ?: Lamictal, Ativan,Ambien,Ritalin,Abilify and Vrylar. I changed doctors recently as I felt as I meds were being pushed but no one was listening to me scream out. So I have a new doc who is gradually tapering me off some of those meds and are going to try different avenues for me. My inability to pay attention, mood swings, anxiety, all that shit needs to be on point! Grad school is not going to get easier.

My favorite thing about this story I guess is that ironically I’m in grad school for mental health counseling and I have a B.S is Psych focusing in military resilience…you would think I’d be on my game! But nope I am not, I can apply things learned to other people, but with myself I can’t see it!

I have no shame in my bipolar, but speaking from my truth…Bipolar is not an excuse all the time. Sometimes, yes, shit makes sense in our head that ain’t right in yours! I see a lot of things on pages about bipolar and many use that as an opening liner, no , I am more than that demon in my head, yes bipolar does in its own way define who I am as I would not be where I am today without this big ass hurdle..

I hope that my tumblr resonates with people, I really hope to show that things can be ok !

[theglassboxx]

Supposed to be doing homework- ironically it’s my psychology homework- instead I’m panicking and grinding my teeth . And I’m deep in thought...

Wanna know what makes me different ? Or maybe why I’d put this out there ? Cause I think many can relate in their own way .

Y’all to be honest - a lot of these services are a joke ! I mean I feel like every time I go to the doc a new med is shoved in my face- and I take it- why? CAUSE I WANT THIS SHIT TO STOP!

Yes I leave the doc and often read side effects - sometimes I don’t wanna know -

Sometimes just thinking something will make you alright is all you think about -

[theglassboxx]

Morning thoughts 💭

When you’re bipolar something people don’t mention is how hard your ❤️ life really is! I find that we as bipolar (from experience and talking to others) that we have trouble with many points in love- 💋

Example - I can become obsessed almost with my s.o - like I want to be with them all the time - like our souls match 👩‍❤️‍👨- than there are other times when his breathing makes me feel question “why is your breathing so ‘breathy’” lol🤣. 💨

I find that many of us as well have issues with trust- a lot of that is based on our raising yes.... but it’s like I think I know (notice I said I think I know) that people are out to sabatoge me- that people aren’t really my friends or that I’m a burden. 👩🏽‍💻

I’ve been divorced once- 🪓 I can honestly say that I did not have a handle on my bipolar at all when I was married to my ex- but unfortunately he had his problems and he wasn’t handling his- two broke people can’t always build each other up when they can barely build themselves-🌙

I believe in medic💊ation to help me- but as I have learned- I believe that not every doc really is listening to you- sometimes getting help is like pulling teeth - than sometimes you don’t need help and it’s thrown at you- 💆🏽‍♀️

As a bipolar who has been 🥼institutionalized I can attest that I watch my mouth when it comes to therapist,psychologists and psychiatrist! I’m a veteran 🧨 and after my visit to the fun house I’ll call it- I went back to the va for something- I expressed how I was feeling- well next thing I knew they were nurses and social workers at the door waiting- I remembered think “awe shit I done fucked up”! But I assured them I was ok and they let me walk.

But I’m going to be truthful - just from my experience- I don’t trust social workers and I barely trust our system- so what did I do to change that ? Cause I can hear you saying something about I have all these complaints but ain’t changing anything- well I am- I ironically enough am in grad school for psychology-📚 I tried two semesters of an MSW school and truthfully I hated the whole thing. So I went back to psych.

I have a lot of dreams 💭and I know that I’ll have a hell of a lot of hurdles to jump to get there- I don’t have a straight path to my goals 🥅 but I’ll be dammed if I just give up and let bipolar win! 🏆

Today will be a better day- I have to think positive- I have to focus on other things besides those thoughts in my head-

Thoughts bought to you by the number 1 and the letter B and cafe buestelo ☕️

[theglassboxx]

It’s early and quite- I take a lot of meds to sleep and I still don’t sleep through the night- I wake up around 5/530 every morning- I chill with my coffee. And right now I’m usually ok- my day hasn’t started and the kids aren’t awake and chaos hasn’t spartan kicked me in my chest yet.

But I am anxious- to see if those “voice “ those “thoughts” come back to me....

Yesterday it was an internal battle- my bad side said bash your face through that wall but my other side reminded me- it’s not me- it won’t help- and than pain won’t make your other pain go away-

Why did I name this blog glass boxx- truthfully because since as long as I can remember I associate having bipolar as living in a glass box- it’s fragile - and you often feel like your “good” is trapped inside - like your watching yourself do and say things from inside this box- and no matter how hard and loud you scream - you’re in that glass box- there isn’t much you can do- except sit there asking why did I do that? Why did I say that? That’s not how I feel! That’s not me!!!

And I kinda liked using the box as we know that many of our medications and mood stabilizers come with black box warnings

My list of medications is up to for just mental health are at 5- one med I was on so long it gave me TD- and from what others have noticed it may be permanent- my mouth doesn’t move like it used to my tounge has cracks and hurts - yet I go to the doctor and they say it’s something else not the meds -

Off I go finding a new doc - someone will listen-

[theglassboxx]

I thought to myself...Why the fuck not?

Ok- so I am in no means a writer and I don't know how to use this but I really feel like I need to get shit off my chest. I am bipolar, and apparently y'all, somehow and some way it’s come to define me. Today I start to write, today I guess I'm gonna start letting it go. Or maybe I feel like some of you guys could use a good laugh, or hell sometimes it may be dark.

Right now, right this second my minds fuzzy, and my heart is racing and I'm cold. I did nothing different nothing wrong, but there it goes- my anxiety-

So there you have it, my first post. Wasn't much, I guess I just wanted to get my feet wet!

How about this - a cliff hanger-the best I can give you with spewing it all out now. I plan on saying things your not supposed to say - especially around doctors, I mean you could try them but I assure you that one phone call a day is gonna drag you down. I'm going to come clean with the thoughts someone like me- with bipolar- have. I'm going to reminisce about my time in a facility, and most of all I hope to hear from people like me who could read some of my thoughts and sigh in relief that for the first time you don't feel alone, someone else feels like YOU!