thekirbysystem

[thekirbysystem]

Me: What if I'm faking? What if I dont have any alters? What if I just have an extremely overactive imagination?

My alters:

[thekirbysystem]

To all the Tumblr users who tend to use tags very liberally:

[thekirbysystem]

[thekirbysystem]

Everytime something goes well or okay, something else has to fall apart. I am juggling dishes and they are all crashing around me and I dont know how to stop it, or when everything will be okay again, or how I'm supposed to make it okay.

[thekirbysystem]

It's so, so hard to hold onto the fact that two things that seem like opposites can exist at the same time.

What do you mean I can be sad and crying and *still* do things??? People can do things when they feel strong emotions?? Whenever I'm sad, im literally gone, like I cant do anyyyyything until I feel better.

But apparently? You can still do things??? Im???

[thekirbysystem]

If you post something emotional or a vent post and I 'like' the post that's me putting my arm around ur shoulder telling you it's all gonna be ok

[thekirbysystem]

My therapist told me something today that I have a hard time holding onto. Maybe if I write it down I can keep it better.

She said that I'm allowed to feel uncomfortable when I'm around my parents. I'm allowed to feel upset that I didnt get what I needed from them. I'm allowed to feel shitty about things that happened to me, because it was unfair.

At the same time, it can *also* be true that it wasnt my fault, and that I did nothing wrong. It is true that I have worth, inherently, because I am a human being.

Both the emotional side (feeling hurt, and angry), and the rational side (knowing I was a helpless child, who deserved better), can both be true sentences at the same time. I can feel hurt, and it's not *my* fault that I'm hurting.

I didn't want to think about it, because it makes reality so hard. Having feelings was never something I could do. I wasn't allowed to have feelings. I couldn't feel things, because when I did, I got in trouble. It was my fault I when I was angry with my circumstances.

I was not allowed to be angry. But now I am learning that I have a right to my feelings. That my anger is informative, and a piece of me that helps me understand who I am.

I was abused. And it wasn't my fault.

[thekirbysystem]

Everytime I open tumblr it's a different color

Is it tumblr or did someone change a setting

[thekirbysystem]

I don’t know when yesterday was and I don’t know when tomorrow is

[thekirbysystem]

so has anybody’s dad ever actually apologized to them, or is that just an urban legend

[thekirbysystem]

I know some of the others did work in a dissociation workbook. I know theres some sort of inner world drama going on with a persecutor. I know *something* is happening, and I hate that I dont get to know what it is.

"Its for the best if you stay out of it and keep functioning" how am I supposed to function when I *know* something is wrong?

I hate amnesia.

[thekirbysystem]

[thekirbysystem]

Alternatively

[thekirbysystem]

[thekirbysystem]

Someone sensible: ok we cant smoke rn, it's ok if we give it a break

Me: if I'm not high I die

[thekirbysystem]

Me: im not gonna freak out abt christmas

Me: i wont do it

Me: i will not lost my shit over christmas

Me: i am not going to have a panic attack about christmas

Also me: *has a panic attack thinking about christmas and seeing the majority of my abusers and how i literally cant get out of it bc all of my excuses are constantly shot down and it's not abt my family wanting to see me, it's abt them wanting me to see them and all their happiness bc they literally could not give a single shit abt me and my life*

Also, im suffering and in hell thanks

[thekirbysystem]

Another ask meme that I don’t have the followers for, so I’m going to answer them

1.) What was the largest secret you’ve kept from one another? Well...if I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret now would it?

2.) If you remember, what were your first impressions of each other? I can only speak for myself, but I remember thinking that most of them were annoying. And loud.

3.) Is anyone is your system in a relationship? Yes.

4.) Has anyone in your system ever cheated before? No.

5.) Celebrity crushes? None I can share.

6.) Does your system get into fights often? Why? Yes, and it’s been constant lately. For the most part, it’s because there are so many of us with such different opinions on how this life should be lived. Most recently, we’ve been fighting about therapy, and how to move forward with it. Some of the others feel like we’re moving too slowly, others think it’s too fast and too much. It’s impossible to find a balance, so we fight about it.

7.) Who gets into the most trouble in your system? Inside? Lainey. Outside? M.

8.) Do you have supernatural or other non-human alters? Yes, I am an elf, I think. Or something ethereal and timeless. An elf is the closest I can describe.

9.) Who loves to meme in your system? Lainey and Jade.

10.) Describe a headmate in ten words or less. Know-it-all with a heart of gold.

11.) Ask a headmate if they’ve ever had a crush on the host(s). We don’t have a host.

12.) Google a headmate’s name and describe the first picture that pops up. Is it accurate? I googled my name, Piper, and it’s a plane. So...no, I would say that is not accurate.

13.) Tell us about a headmate that doesn’t front that often. Jonas can only speak in one-word sentences, or references. It’s not uncommon to hear a repetition of a word, and then a movie reference, for him to get his point across.

14.) What’s your favorite system memory? Why? When we first planted the garden. It was a big moment in our therapy, and I’ve been keeping up with it ever since. It was one of those therapy sessions where we didn’t leave the office crying, and instead felt hopeful about the future. Wish we had more of those.

— Piper