thelibraryofeden

[thelibraryofeden]

Originally posted on my High school’s news website

“Maybe it isn't the fewest mistakes that wins. Maybe it's having the courage to take that next step—even at the risk of making a mistake.”

Dragon Hoops is YA sports graphic novel that masterfully combines the story of one high school basketball team’s journey to the California state championship, the history of basketball and the author’s personal journey as an artist.

You would think that the combination of all three of these stories would get convoluted, but they all serve to enhance each other. Yang’s inner conflict of whether to pursue comics full time or stay a teacher complements the basketball players' conflict to win the championship. The history sections give more context to the player’s stories, like how the section on basketball in China gives more depth to one of the players who is a Chinese exchange student.

The art is cartoony but still manages to show an array of emotions. The art itself explores comics as a medium with creative panel usage. The art makes the action scenes fast-paced, clear and tense. The comic also has many visual gags that make you want to reread to catch all the details. Yang’s art style has developed to be more rounded and soft compared to his other works such as Boxers & Saints and American Born Chinese. His more pointed art style had turned me off from reading his comics because they seemed stiff and unappealing, so this is definitely an improvement. 

One thing that makes me feel conflicted about the graphic novel is the inclusion of the story of Mike Phelps, the previous coach of the team, and the person who taught the current coach Lou Richie. He is important to the story of Richie and has a deep connection to him, but Phelps is a controversial figure. In the early 2000s, Phelps got accused of molesting a student back in the ’60s. There was only one accusation, and Phleps pleaded innocent. He never went to court because the statute of limitations had passed, so he never got the chance to be proven innocent or guilty. The comic does address this and includes Yang’s struggle to decide to include Phelps. I do applaud Yang for keeping it transparent and unbiased. He is honest about how no one can know if he did it or not, and he is honest about how the students of Phelps still love him, without putting his own views about if he believes Phelps was guilty or not. 

On one hand, it is difficult to see people forgive a potential abuser because of a personal connection. On the other hand, It brings up the difficult topic of the humanity of abusers. It’s easier to see abusers as monsters because that means something is innately bad with them so we could never count ourselves with the abusers, that if we knew one, we would act decisively and cut them out, but when that abuser is suddenly a former role model, a friend or a previously loving partner, it becomes complicated, but when we see them as humans, it allows us to see anyone could be an abuser. It allows us to teach ourselves and others how to be respectful because if anyone could turn into an abuser, we have to address the issues in society that make abusers and the toxic traits within ourselves that could make us abusive. It allows us to forgive because anger is hard to hold on to. It is up to his former students like Lou Richie if they want to forgive him either because they believed he did it or forgive him because they believe he is innocent. It’s difficult to read, a difficult situation to live in and a difficult decision to make.

Overall, Dragon Hoops is an amazing read for people no matter if they prefer to watch the game on the weekends or prefer to cozy up with a book. I had the opportunity to read this as a part of the 2023 Battle of the Books competition.

[thelibraryofeden]

Just finished this sweet, charming book about magical children and the people that protect them. Fan art by pickocha (twitter).

[thelibraryofeden]

“When something is broken, you can put it back together. It may not fit quite the same, or work like it did once before, but that doesn’t mean it’s no longer useful.”

- Linus, The House in the Cerulean Sea by T.J. Klune

Special birthday art of one of our favorite scenes from THITCS for my dear @argylefetish / @penpanoply (without whom I might never have read this book)! She’s not only a handlettering master and my giveaway collaborator, but also just the most genuinely positive and warm person I’ve ever met. Like Linus, she is too precious to put into words, and I’m so grateful she’s a part of my life.

[thelibraryofeden]

Written for my high school’s newspaper

“Regardless of what else he is, he is still a child, as they all are. And don’t all children deserve to be protected? To be loved and nurtured so that they may grow and shape the world to make it a better place?”

The House in The Cerulean Sea is an urban fantasy published in 2020 by TJ Klune set in a world with magical people who are separated from non-magical people from a young age. They are either put in orphanages or schools designed for magical people and the main character, Linus Baker, is a caseworker for the Department in Charge of Magical Youth or DICOMY that reviews if orphanages need to be closed. Linus lives a boring life and has resigned himself to loneliness until he gets a highly unusual classified case. He is assigned to investigate Marsyas Island Orphanage, which is home to six dangerous and extraordinary children and a mysterious but charming man that houses them. What he experiences on the island changes everything.

This book is the definition of charming with its witty lines, thought-provoking speeches, characters you can’t find every day, and gorgeous sensory details that ask, “Don’t you wish you were here?” Today, when students are daunted by the prospect of a lonely dull future and are constantly hearing about hate for kids like them and their friends, here instead, is a book about finding the magic in the ordinary and the humanity of all children big and small.

As TJ Klune said in an interview with The Hub, “I think there’s something not only topical about the story, but also universal in its messaging. Fantasy is often filled with grim, dark stories (absolutely nothing wrong with that!), and we don’t get to see a lot of ‘happy’ fantasy these days. I wanted to write a story that reminded me of the cozy fantasies I read as a kid—books that not only made me happy, but allowed me to believe everything could be OK. Hope can often seem like it’s in short supply these days, and while a novel like The House in the Cerulean Sea won’t fix the world’s problems, I hope it can at least serve as a small reminder that we are capable of so much when we stand for what we believe in and lift each other up.”

There is some controversy surrounding the book because the author has stated that the story is partially inspired by the Sixties Scoop, a time between the 1950s and 1980s in Canada where Indigenous children were put in residential schools and adopted into White families. Klune has stated that he had a faint idea of the story beforehand and then hearing that helped him form it more, as well as other instances of children being separated from their families in history and the modern day. Some people feel as if it is overshadowing the horror of the Sixties Scoop by using the concept for a heartwarming story, and for as long as there have been stories where fantastical beings are metaphors for oppressed people there has been the debate about if that metaphor is dehumanizing. There are some aspects of the children in the book that are dangerous, but in real life the indigeous children and all kids taken away from their families because of ethnicity are harmless. Although the characters in this book feel very human, relating real oppressed people to fantastical characters could lead to people not completely seeing oppressed people as normal people like them.

Personally, I can respect this argument, but I feel that this story is a good (but not perfect) metaphor that can help people young and old learn empathy for people different from them, and as someone that is from multiple oppressed groups, I felt seen by the characters and how magical people are treated. This book was the book of the month for the [the high school’s] book club, and you can find it under the fantasy section in our school's library.

“Hate is loud, but I think you'll learn it's because it's only a few people shouting, desperate to be heard. You might not ever be able to change their minds, but so long as you remember you're not alone, you will overcome.”

[thelibraryofeden]

Just got Volume 1 of Lore Olympus and it’s so lovely so I did a quick color 

[thelibraryofeden]

“Destroyer of Light, Destroyer of Men.”

[thelibraryofeden]

Written for my High School’s news paper

Lore Olympus by Rachel Smythe is a comic modern retelling of the Greek myth “The Taking of Persephone” that has been running on Webtoon since 2018. Persephone has been sheltered by her mother in the mortal realm for her whole life. Now she is ready to take control of her life in the big city of Olympus, but shortly after she arrives she meets the handsome Hades, the feared king of the underworld. Now she faces a whirlwind of gossip, uncovered secrets, scheming enemies and unexpected friends as her friendship with Hades blooms into something more. 

Lore Olympus has a plot filled with twists and turns with bite-size episodes perfect for a quick read or for binge-reading. The plot is incredibly creative and well thought out. Smythe’s passion for Greek mythology is clear by the way she incorporates the rich mythos and lore of the Greek Pantheon and applies them to a modern setting. 

With retelling, authors sometimes get lazy because the story is already written for them, but Smythe did not disappoint, and the way it tackles relationships, both healthy and toxic, is incredibly important for audiences. Although the toxic aspect, which includes rape and domestic violence, may be triggering to readers, so digression is advised. As a survivor of dating violence myself, I related to both Hades and Persephone’s respective experiences. I appreciated how realistically it’s portrayed and how the author used her platform for talking about such important issues. Although it didn’t go as in-depth into this, I do appreciate how it talked about domestic violence towards males as it is an overlooked aspect of the culture of rape and abuse. Hades and Persephone's love and respect for each other is a heartwarming and important model of a healthy relationship for its younger female demographic. 

I did notice a few mistakes, especially in the early seasons with typos and off-center text. It is pretty common for webcomics to have more mistakes than a novel, but it is still disappointing to see. The webcomic is being published into a graphic novel, and the mistakes seem to be corrected in them and the art style updated. 

I am concerned about how small the volumes of the graphic novel version are. There are two volumes published and the third one is coming in October, but all of the volumes only contain about 25 episodes, and considering that season one has 115 episodes, it would take five volumes just to finish season one! If that continues, that could potentially be 12 volumes for all the seasons if season three has the same amount of episodes as previous seasons and the volumes continue only to be 25 episodes. I hope they group larger amounts of episodes together for future volumes so fans don’t have to spend as much money and take up space on their bookshelves. 

It's clear to see why this was a pick for the 2023 Battle of the Books competitions, but it is available to anyone on Webtoon, and volumes one and two are under the graphic novel section of the library.

[thelibraryofeden]

Written for my High School’s Newspaper

“Papi was a man split in two, / playing a game against himself. // But the problem with that / is that in order to win, you also always lose.”

Clap When You Land Is a 2020 YA realistic fiction told in verse by Elizabeth Acevedo about two half-sisters separated by secrets and brought together by grief. Camino lives in Sousa, Dominican Republic, and every summer her Papi, who supports them from New York City, visits for her birthday. But this summer his plane crashed while crossing the Atlantic, killing all the passengers, and in New York City Yaharia wrestles with her picture of her father after the fateful morning when she learned her Papi’s plane crashed before reaching his first home in the Dominican Republic. They struggle with their grief alone until they find the only other person who understands what they are going through, each other.

Clap When You Land is inspired by the crash of flight AA587. It departed from New York City filled with Dominicans excited to see their homeland of the Dominican Republic. It crashed almost immediately after exiting JFK Airport, killing 265 passengers, crew members and people on the ground. It was the second deadliest crash in American Aviation history. It happened two months after 9/11 and got overshadowed by it, but it sent shock waves through the New York Dominican community and affects families to this day. Acevedo started researching the stories of victims of the crash and found stories about people living double lives. “My fiction is often centered around inter-generational stories and the realization that parental figures can be deeply flawed; with this story, I made that the center that holds the rest of the narrative. I see young adult literature as an opportunity to show young people scenarios that might be familiar, but also ones that are rarely spoken of; I can pull certain taboos into the light. And while conversations about secret families, or siblings you don’t know exist, might be something you hear through the grapevine, I wanted to focus the story on the questions of blood and kin that aren’t often explored in an accessible way for teens,” Acevedo said in a Shondaland interview.

The book is told in verse, meaning that the whole story is poetry, but despite that, it's an easy read for people who aren’t big fans of poetry and it makes the book quicker to read. This book is great for students who want to read more this year but are busy with school work and outside-of-school activities. The book's handling of family dynamics and parental expectations touches readers no matter what their family looks like, and it has representation for Afro-Latinas, who rarely get represented in literature, by an Afro-Latina author, making Afro-Latino readers feel more seen and making non-Afro-Latinos expand their worldview. 

The book does talk about sexual assault and sex trafficking. Both sisters go through some instances of sexual assault, but what Camino goes through has a larger presence in the story. Their Papi was paying off a man named El Cero so he wouldn’t sex-traffic Camino. Without Papi’s money, Camino has to figure out how to avoid him herself. Camino is often blamed for bringing attention to herself. This book does write about sexual assault in a way that can deeply resonate with me as a victim of sexual assault. It sends a message that you aren’t alone and empowers victims instead of using sexual assault as a plot device for angst. It also brings awareness to the violence Black girls go through before they are adults. If you are someone who has trauma triggers related to sexual violence, I would suggest putting your health first and pick a different book.

Overall, this book is a beautiful examination of what family means. I had the honor of reading it for the 2023 Battle of The Books competition, but anyone can get a copy from the high school library in the realistic fiction section, and if you enjoyed this book you may enjoy The Poet X and With The Fire On High by the same author.

“The patron saint of the ocean is known for containing many parts of herself: she is a nurturer, but she is also a ferocious defender. & so I remember that to walk this world you must be kind but also fierce.”

[thelibraryofeden]

He is half of my soul, as the poets say. 

Re-designing my favourite book covers, this time for a story that has stolen my heart a thousand times, The Song of Achilles. 

[thelibraryofeden]

By the way I am gonna start posting some reviews i make to my high schools newspaper

[thelibraryofeden]

Sing,o goddess, the love of Patroclus,

The Song of Achilles published in 2012 by Madeline Miller is a YA retelling of The Illiad that focus on Achilles and Patroclus' relationship from the POV of Patroclus. The Song of Achilles chronicles Patroclus’ life with him starting with the first time they saw each other to their deaths from Achilles’ wraith that brought their downfalls. 

If you are not familiar with the Illiad it’s a Greek epic poem by Homer that embellished the real Trojan War with gods and heroes. It focuses on the demi-god warrior Achilles whose wraith destroyed everything in his path whether it was his enemies or his relationships. 

The original poem doesn’t explicitly state that Achilles and Patroclus were lovers but it was implied due to the softness that Achilles expresses towards Patroclus compared to others showing that he has the greatest bond with him and the magnitude of the grief and rage he had when Patroclus died that eventually led to his death. Even in its era people were debating if the relationship was platonic or romantic with philosophers like Aeschineas arguing that although the relationship isn’t explicitly stated it should be obvious to the educated who can read between the lines.

The Song of Achilles explores the romantic interpretation of their relationship along with exploring Patroclus’ character. This story excels at immersing the reader in the unfamiliar world of mythical Greece and at writing a tender coming-of-age romance that warms the heart. though many may dismiss it as a YA romance the book is as much of a commentary on the poem as the words of Aeschineas. Readers may already know the fate of Achilles and Patroclus from pop culture osmosis, but Miller still makes the story feel new and makes people contemplate the legacy of the two characters. The audience thinks about how Achilles is remembered for his wraith and only through his love for Patroclus is he remembered for any softer traits. How they were always be remembered as two halves of a whole rather than separate stories.

An issue with the story is how it omits certain parts of the Illiad and then includes other parts in a way that is confusing. The main example was the addition of Achilles' marriage to Deimaida. “Achilles on Skyros” where he disguises himself as a woman and marries the princess of this island and conceives a child is a part of the larger legend of Achilles but not in the Iliad. In the original tale Achilles rapes Deimaida and it doesn’t include Patroculus but In the Song of Achilles, Patroclus is trying to be with Achilles and Deimaida does rape both of them. “Achilles on Skyros” has been used to discuss rape in Greek mythos for many years so flipping it to discuss rape of males would’ve been interesting. But afterward, Patroclus and Achilles ignore it. Yes, rape victims may start out in denial about what happened. But without the characters talking about it there is no character or relationship development it just feels like a thing that could’ve been cut out. It could’ve been a chance to make their relationship stronger and give us hope that despite the troubles on Skyros their relationship will persevere in hard times. Without the development, it’s just a thing that may trigger readers who have been sexually abused with no warning and no payoff.

The Song of Achilles is both heart-warming and heart-wrenching and a thought-provoking read. I would highly recommend it to fans of Greek mythology and/or people looking for queer male representation.

“I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.”

[thelibraryofeden]

Last thing about Scott Pilgrim I swear

Scott Pilgrim: Further Reading Etc. 

Hello everyone! This is the first installment of a series I’m calling Further Reading Etc. where I talk about adaptions and fanfictions about a previous book/series I have reviewed and give mini-reviews on them! I don’t think this series will happen that often cause I am very depressed and I also can’t publish these on my schools newspaper like my other reviews but we’ll see

Let's get into it with Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010)

The film reflects the comedy, comic art style, and surreal pacing of the original comics. So much so that I can see why people who didn’t read the comic wouldn’t like the movie. The first half of the movie where it covers the first 3 volumes almost copies the volumes exactly, a bit more compacted. In fact, the movie was in development since the first volume was completed so they were constantly influencing each other. This ended up with some of the dialogue feeling more awkward in the film whereas it felt witty in the comic because of how they are formatted respectively.

The movie also follows volumes 4-6 more loosely with a different ending compared to the comic. When it comes to characters I feel that Scott had a lot more focus compared to the minor characters. Of course, he is the main character, but the end of the movie focused more on Scott becoming a better person rather than him AND Ramona becoming good people together. As well as putting Knives final development where she moves on from Scott at the very end of the film after Scott told her he cheated on her. And Stephen and Kim’s development (along with Kim’s importance to Scott) is absent from the film. I understand the limited time frame of movies compared to comics but I do feel this is the main area where the movie is lacking compared to the comic series. The message of becoming a better person for the people you love and growing with them was stronger in the comics compared to the self-respect message of the movie, which felt like it ignored its message until the very end. Speaking of Ramona, although she does still love Scott she is colder in the movie compared to the comics. Which still fit her character but it did make their relationship feel less enjoyable to watch. 

In conclusion, the movie is an enjoyable watch for fans of the comics, but the comics' better-executed dialogue and character development make it arguably better than the movie. That being said I would definitely recommend any movie fans to read the comics as well.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World the Game:

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World the Game is a 2D slide scrolling beat ‘em up published in 2010, got de-listed in 2014, then got re-released in 2021 with the DLC already installed. It follows the same plot as the comic series with the exception of getting to play different characters and each character has its own ending. 

This game is only $15 to buy which is a really good price for the amount of replay value this game has. And it has an excellent soundtrack by the chiptune band Anamanaguchi…which I did not realize until I finished the game and looked it up for more information. Realizing I missed out I am currently listening to the soundtrack while writing this review and man I really missed out. The main flaw of the game is that it is pretty glitchy, not so much that the game is unplayable but I personally encountered 3 on my first play-through. The first time I beat Lucas Lee the game froze, and for the other 2 I got stuck in a shop and was unable to exit to the map. I found many posts about glitches while seeing if there were fixes to these issues and I’m surprised that Ubisoft did not fix any of these glitches for the re-release. Also, I didn’t like how many of the female sprites were animated as their breasts had exaggerated movement which I found objectifying. 

The game isn’t a must-play even for fans of the series since it doesn’t add much besides adding a bit more to Kim and Knives' relationship since Kim’s ending does end with them getting together and Knives assist to Kim is a kiss that heals her and stuns enemies. Which would’ve been cute if their relationship was explored more in the comic but it feels cheap here. On the bright side it does make Kim and Knives seem more sapphic and like their kiss in the comic wasn’t just a drunk mistake, so at least fans can’t doubt that they are queer. Overall I would suggest the game if you’re a fan of the series, of beat ‘em ups or want a new game that is cheap. But It’s not a necessary play and you're going to encounter quite a few glitches. 

Fanfictions:

sleep in the heat (and repeat)

Sleep in the heat (and repeat) is a 20k word Wallace Wells/Scott Pilgrim fic posted by jetpacks on AO3 about the development of Wallace and Scott's relationship and an exploration of Scott’s mental health after he broke up with Envy Adams. The story is single-chaptered but told in twenty vignettes. This fic had a realistic depiction of a break-up and depression as well as a sweet love story with slight conflict and witty banter between characters. It’s a perfect mix of fluff and angst that can be hard to achieve. And its depiction of depression was something I really appreciated as a depressed person as someone who has depressive symptoms. How much Wallace wanted to support Scott during his darkest hour was really heartwarming, although they have some struggles Scott and Wallace’s relationship is really healthy and I think people could learn how to support depressed people from this fic. It also contains talks about having feelings for a previous partner in a way that is realistic to what people would feel in a real-life monogamous relationship but isn’t amatonormative. The author’s depiction of Scott and Wallace was true to cannon and you could feel why they fell in love with the character's descriptions of their partner. I’m personally not a big Wallace/Scott shipper but I still really liked this fic so I would recommend this fic to any other Wallace/Scott shippers. The fic does start with some vomiting and it includes the f slur in a reclaimed way so if that triggers you, I wouldn’t recommend this fic. But other wise it was a really sweet read.

Kim Pine’s Precious Little Knives 

Kim Pine’s Precious Little Knives is a 65k Kim Pine/Knives Chau fic on AO3 that takes place a year after the events of the cannon and is told from Kim’s perspective. Since Scott left Kim to have his happily ever after with Ramona, Kim’s life has been pretty bland. That is until she is reunited with Knives Chau who becomes determined to become her friend. And what starts out as tolerating the company developes into feeling incomplete with out Knives. They do get together after a few chapters but then the story isn’t over yet because Kim needs to learn how  to be in a relationship. Capturing the comedic vibe of Scott Pilgrim in a fic is difficult due to it being a comic that relies on the comic style heavily to tell jokes but this fic captured that energy in a new Pine way perfectly, It feels like it could be a real sequel to the series with its tone and exploration of characters. This fic also contains Knives being a trans girl and both characters questioning their sexualities after falling in love. This fic does address these pretty interestingly, Kim’s reaction to Knives’ Identity is realistic for a lot of cis people. She is really surprised but she loves Knives no matter what and tries to learn how to be a good ally for her, but she makes a lot of mistakes while learning. By the end of the fic she basically has it down but it is a bit hard as a trans person to have to read the transphobia, even if its shown as bad and the character is growing from it. And there is a scene that is a continuation of the makeout scene in vol.4 where Kim does do some sexual stuff with a still 17 year old Knives while both were drunk and says some insensitive things during it. What happened is referred to as bad and they grow healthy boundaries and understanding from reflecting on this but it can be difficult to read and possibly triggering to readers. They do question their sexuality and some of what they say/think well questioning is a little bit homophobic but still realistic for someone struggling with internalized homophobia well questioning. They both say they are bisexual by the end of the story but it is in the final smut chapter. Also the tags include ‘asexuality spectrum’ which refers to Kim questioning if she is ace since she would be fine dating Knives if they never had sex and referring to Knives as quasi-asexual because she doesn’t know if she wants to go all the way with Kim. No one explicitly says they are ace and Knives identity is a bit up to speculation. I am not going to review the smut scenes/chapters but I will say there are three light smut scenes in two chapters in the main story and a bonus smut chapter at the end. None of them have penetration and they also kinda contain foot fetish which isn’t tagged. I would recommend this fic if you wish Kim and Knives were explored in cannon, if you want to see realistic sexuality questioning and if you want to see a realistic Trans/cis relationship. But I wouldn’t recommend if you could get triggered by the slight transphobia and dubious consent certain chapters. 

Thank you for reading!

[thelibraryofeden]

A Death-Struck Year, That’s right I can post about things other then Scott Pilgrim.

A Death-Struck Year by Makiaa Lucier is a young adult novel published in 2014. It takes place in Portland, Oregon during the 1918 influenza pandemic. The main character is a seventeen-year-old girl named Cleo Berry. Who escapes quarantine at her private school to volunteer with the Red Cross. During her time with the Red Cross, she tries to save as many people as she can in suspenseful scenes, tries to cope with the trauma of the pandemic, and meets people who will change her life forever.

It is a relatively simple book—the plot, writing, and characters are good enough that the novel neither stands out as outstandingly amazing nor is it outstandingly awful. The aspect of the novel that makes up for this is the book’s setting. The author clearly put immense effort into accurately portraying the era in a way that allows the reader to learn in an entertaining way. When considering the recent and ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, reading the book in the present day is oddly comforting. In modern times it is evident that most of the world seems to have moved on from the pandemic, especially following the height of the pandemic. But, as it stands, over six million people have died from COVID or COVID related complications. Many people are still in mourning for those they lost along the way. Some people still have to quarantine because they or someone they love are vulnerable or immuno-compromised. Some people still suffer from COVID symptoms or have developed long COVID. Even if nothing particularly tragic has happened to an individual, living through historical events like this is traumatic. Seeing a character experience life through a pandemic so similar to the current pandemic, right down to the dismissal once a vaccine becomes widely available, was healing in a way. The book was published in 2014, however, so there is no way the author could have known nor intended for this parallel. But, for this generation of teens perusing their local or school libraries, this book sends a message that they are not alone.

[thelibraryofeden]

My submission for the May 2022 Carnival of Aros prompt: Mental health

TW: this piece discusses sexual abuse from romantic relationships and sexual coercion

I can’t remember exactly why or when I started to question if I was aromantic or asexual. I remember it was about the summer/fall of 2021, and two years had passed since my first serious and abusive relationship. I think I questioned if I was on the aspec before then, I did feel a weird connection with the terms I found but I never felt like I completely fit in. At that point, I was a tween so I didn’t have a lot of experience. All I knew is that I had crushes on people of all genders so I identified as pan until I met them. 

 they were my first girlfriend, we met on Twitter when they were looking for a partner and I thought, “Hey, I’m friends with this person, why don’t I flirt with them and try to start a relationship.” My plan worked and started three months of shallow infatuation and constantly being asked for sexual favors. I was in love with them, but as the months went on I started to feel less and less love and started to feel the mental strain of being asked to do sexual things every day. Once the relationship was ended I felt relieved, yet I still thought about it often and was starting to question the ethics of our relationship.

The sleepless night I looked up what sexual coercion was the night my world collapsed on me. The next year was filled with depression, shame, and even more shallow relationships to prove I could love and be loved in return. 

I could never make my feelings stay. I would get so uncomfortable with the compliments, them saying they wanted me, them saying they loved me.

After my third failed relationship I decided to give up on relationships for a while until I was able to get more help for my trauma. Now, I don’t remember what actually led me to consider that I was aromantic or asexual again after not questioning I was on the aspec for three years, but I do remember the month-long relationship that happened that really solidified that I do not feel love like everyone else. 

I do feel happier identifying on the a-spectrum nowadays but I have always wondered if I would identify as this without my trauma. If my discomfort with romance and inability to love romantically was caused by the trauma I was put through by the first person I was in love with. If with help and time I would heal from trauma and find I do want a romantic and sexual relationship again.

Then I realized it doesn’t matter. The terms I use for my identity are what fit me now, if future me grows into a different identity it doesn’t mean I am not what I identify as at this moment. Maybe I could’ve been non-aspec or a different identity on the aspec with different feelings towards sex and romance without the trauma I endured. But there is no use thinking about a hypothetical past and a hypothetical future. For now, I am that I am. 

[thelibraryofeden]

[thelibraryofeden]

stephen n joseph for @angelfish114 :]

[thelibraryofeden]

FORGOT TO TAG THE LAST POST AS SCOTT PILGRIM BE RIGHT BACK