themeaningofitall

[themeaningofitall]

After the storm

[themeaningofitall]

08/13/2023

Today marks six weeks since I left home, and also six weeks since I have sat down behind this computer and written. This has certainly not been due to a lack of ideas, considering there have been plenty of moments that I have thought of writing about. Although the trip has hardly been packed with excitement, there have been a number of exciting days and moments. Further, for multiple reasons, this trip will be memorable, so I’d like to record it and remember it well. 

First to be discussed was my trip. This was actually fairly uneventful. In total, I drove for about 19 hours over the course of two days, which made it completely manageable. The drive itself was also about as pleasant as a 19 hour drive can be, as I crossed through a number of small towns, Native American Reservations, old route 66, and plenty of dessert to get to my destination; I even saw a (relatively small) wildfire on my way in. Upon arrival I was greeted by my host, a kind older German woman named Christine, and we drove together to her farm.

My first night here was certainly not what I was used to back home, but it was far from anything uncomfortable. We first walked around the property, where she showed me all her various plants, trees, and adobe structures she’s built previously. She then showed me to a camper on the corner of the farm where I would be staying for the time being, I set a couple of bags in there, and we headed inside to talk. That first evening was spent primarily getting to know each other; we told a few stories, had a bite to eat, and even cracked open an IPA. Afterwards, she gave me a quick lecture, which I have still not forgotten, about the potential dangers from wildlife. There are mountain lions and bobcats in the area, and we occasionally see coyotes in the property, but neither pose any real threat to people. There are also snakes and scorpions which are much more worrisome, although most species are not venomous. Finally, there are spiders, which are the worst of all. Only two species of spider here are venomous, Black Widows and Brown Recluses, but all species are deserving of death and extinction. After that, I returned to my camper and spent my first night in this new state.

My first few days here were also quite uneventful. Though there is much work to be done on this farm, Christine was very accommodating and wanted me to work on the sorts of things which interested me the most. So, after a few days of getting to know her, the property, and the type of work to be done, we decided to build a shed out of lumber and a cob-lime mix. Unfortunately, we did very limited work towards this during the first month or so of my stay, as I made the super tactical move of arriving just as the heat wave was commencing. Not deterred, we found random small tasks to do inside the house and the garage, or else we’d work a few hours in the morning and evening. This went on for nearly a month, but it has passed, and I seriously doubt we’ll see that sort of heat again until next summer. And once this heat wave did pass, work on the shed went by much faster. We are now almost done framing the entire thing, and will soon commence the adobe work. I’m excited to see this project advance, and though I will probably not see it completed, it will definitely be rewarding to see my work add up to something substantial and useful. I’ll also do my best to share some before and after pictures in case anyone is interested.

There is one night which I feel I must mention. It was my fifth or sixth night here, work had been finished for the day, and I headed inside to shower; so far, so good. I first went inside the camper to grab a few things, and, by pure coincidence, I happened to see a black spider sitting on its web near one of my bags. Reluctantly, I killed it and headed for my awaiting shower. Once there, I turned the light on, as one does, and I noticed what is without a shadow of a doubt one of the biggest spiders I’ve ever seen outside of a glass cage. Once more, I summoned every ounce of willpower I could muster and blasted the creature with a sandal slap powerful enough to kill a god. Having finished the deed, I finally step in to take my well deserved shower and notice something move at my feet. I then crouched down to take a closer look, and lo and behold it’s a bloody scorpion. Yes, it was very small, but at this point I hardly cared anymore. I finished my shower, grabbed a bug bomb from the garage, and set it off inside the camper, as that seemed the only way, short of a bottle of whiskey, that I could reasonably fall asleep without much worry. This worked out fine for about two more weeks, until it inevitably happened again. I walked into the camper, late at night, and with only my phone flashlight to see. As I’m getting ready for bed, I reached for a lamp sitting behind my pillow, and as I did so my hand went straight through a spider web, disturbing the very much alive spider sleeping there. The fiend touched my hand, causing a nearly incalculable acceleration backwards. It was then, in this moment of fear and hesitation that I realized a fundamental, unwavering truth about myself. That is, that there exists no confined space big enough for myself and a live, roaming spider; in each such case, at least one of us must die. As I stood there, panting and furiously waving my flashlight around, I was overcome with a murderous rage that would have made Hannibal seem tame by comparison. I searched for a weapon, then for my adversary, I spoke some words which should not be typed, and I sent him to the shadow realm. Henceforth, any spider I see will be assumed to be a comrade of the one who ambushed my sleeping quarters, and be treated accordingly. After that little incident, I set up my tent just outside the camper, and I continue sleeping there to this day. 

I would also like to mention the few people I’ve met during my time here. This will be quick as there are only three. First was Penny. She’s one of Christine’s friends, a retired single woman who lives by herself on a nearby lot. I don’t have much to say about her, other than she is kind, laid back, and likes to smoke weed. In fact, the third sentence I heard her say, after greeting Christine and I, was “I’m hella stoned.” Then there is Jason. Also one of Christine’s friends and a retired carpenter. He was here to share some advice with us on building the shed, and stayed for a beer afterwards. We had a nice conversation where he shared some of his stories, and I some of mine. Ultimately, he came off as someone who was content with life, quite intelligent, respectful, and even funny at times. Finally, there was Melinda. She was also a volunteer who joined us for about three weeks. She was an interesting personality to be around; Prone to random fits of laughter, impulsivity, some rather unsafe working methods, nonsensical occurrences, and believing most of what she heard provided the person saying it claimed to know what they were talking about. Despite that, she was most often fun to be around and we even made the time to go on two outings to the lake. 

Initially I, of course, had some doubts about whether leaving my house, my job, family, etc. for a volunteer program was a good idea, but I can now say with confidence that it was. It is generally fun or entertaining, I’m learning much, and I have not been this stress free in quite some time. I truly did not realize just how simple and easy it could be to change my life so drastically for the better. If anything, I feel a bit disappointed that I have not taken more advantage of my new opportunities. The change in setting gave me the opportunities to focus more on my health, both physical and mental, on my formal studies, and on my personal studies and writing projects, yet I have worked very little towards any of those. I am making some progress though, however slight; it’s taken a few weeks, and will presumably take even longer, to shake some of my bad habits. 

Like I mentioned earlier, I have been meaning to write for weeks, but have put it off each time for one reason or another. The catalyst that finally made me decide to sit down and type was a simple dinnertime exchange. Christine and I had cooked our dinner quite a bit late into the night, both of us were tired, and neither of us fully sober. So, as one can imagine, we burnt some portions a good deal. We talked as we absentmindedly ate, when she turned to me and said “This is a good meal!” “Yes, it is.” I agreed, without actually thinking about it. I then thought about it for a moment and realized I hadn’t lied, it actually was a good meal. To be sure, it was far from the best, but I most certainly enjoyed cooking and eating with a friend; years have passed since the last time I did so. 

It’s now Monday morning. I felt too tired to finish writing last night and instead laid in my tent for a while before sleeping, listening to music, and gazing at the stars with absolutely no stress in mind. This morning I awoke just as the sun began to peer over the mountains, resumed my music, had a smoke, and watched the quail babies run behind their parents. Thus begins another good day. 

-Rose

P.S. This is rocket.

[themeaningofitall]

07/02/2023

This is the last night I’ll be sleeping in my house for some time. Tomorrow morning marks the beginning of my little whimsical adventure. I’m excited, truth be told, though not so much about the seventeen hour drive. On the bright side, I’ve heard it's scenic so there is that. I should hopefully arrive at my destination in the middle of nowhere Wednesday afternoon, if all goes well. For that I’ve spent the last two months procrastinating and thinking about everything I need to do and the past week doing most of that while telling everyone how busy I am. I really hope a change in environment will help me get rid of some negative habits like this one. I should likely have more free time and less distractions than ever before and I plan to take advantage of that. I packed all the books I’ve been wanting to read, all the notes I’ve written in the past year, and several journals. Though I have not decided whether or not I’ll continue with my school studies for the time being. 

Everyone I’ve told about this excursion has asked me the same thing. That being why I decided on something like this in the first place. The reasons for having chosen this particular volunteer program were purely practical. The reasons for wanting to leave home however, are much harder to articulate. Dissatisfaction is the simple and safe answer, but beyond that it becomes difficult to say with any accuracy what the cause or causes are. Nonetheless, I feel confident in having made a reasonable choice, and hope that I can come back a little wiser, healthier, and overall a better person. 

Lastly, I forgot to renew my license despite having written it in my planner about a dozen times; I really hope that doesn’t come back to bite me. My bags are packed and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something, probably because I am. There are several other things I hoped to discuss, but predictably, I don’t have much time to write. I hope I can make up for that in the upcoming week. Until then, Thank you for reading.

[themeaningofitall]

5/19/2023

The past few weeks have been rough. I really thought I was getting better. In some ways I certainly have, though not in those which matter most. There’s only really so much one can change before admitting that the problem comes from within; though figuring out what it exactly is is a bit more complicated. For years now I’ve held that nothing can make my life worse unless it also makes me worse. Unfortunately, I still believe that. Desire and inability make for one cruel cocktail of desperation. Perhaps that explains some of my recent choices. 

I feel strange writing this. I feel I have no real right to complain. My family’s just purchased a new home, I’ve just completed another successful semester at school, I recently received a promotion at work, and everyone I care about is well. I truly am thankful. Yet there remains a nagging feeling difficult to explain. The best I can do is to say that I am in few ways better, in many worse, and this makes me think that my life is being wasted. I can’t help but think that if my life were to end now there would be nothing worth showing for it. There is nothing one could point to and say ‘Ah yes, he did that!’ or ‘He was that.’ What could possibly be said at my funeral? ‘He had a decent GPA’? ‘He was good at his job’? O God, nearly a quarter of a century and absolutely nothing to show for it. Well, no more.

A few months ago I thought of an idea to save all my money for a year and then go on a one year travel spree throughout the country. That idea has been scrapped, at least for the time being, in favor of a much more appealing one. While I love the idea of traveling on my own, my discontent was too great to wait an entire year, possibly even longer. My impatience and desperation were too great to endure for so long, and so I began looking for other options. I’m happy to say, it didn’t take very long to find one. I found a program named WWOOF. This program connects volunteers  with organic farmers who provide food and board along with opportunities to live in new places, learn new skills, and enjoy new experiences. Within just a few days of signing on, I found a great host who welcomed me on her farm. In just over a month, I’ll be traveling nearly 2,000 miles to hopefully begin a new chapter in my life. And though I made this decision on a whim and am leaving quite a lot behind, I am confident that I chose rightly. 

For the remaining month, I’ll be busy downloading books and music, setting a few things in order, and finally packing my essentials. I hope to be away for about a year, and I currently see no obstacle to that. To say I am excited would be an understatement; I genuinely cannot wait for this trip to begin. I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll try to post regularly (for reals this time). Thank you for reading.

-Rose

[themeaningofitall]

03/01/2023

Today is a very significant and exciting day (for me). It’s not an exaggeration to say that I have not felt such excitement or hope for any other future plan or prospect. As such, I would like to treat today as a cause for celebration, for joy, for leisure, for fun, for quiet reflection, and for a bit of writing. With that in mind I’d like to describe the reason for my excitement.

The project (that’s what I’ve been referring to it as so far) that I came up with, was thought of as a very simple and practical solution to three major problems in my life. Now, if you were to ask my parents, I predict that they’d argue against me that these are actual problems. Yet I instead insist that not only are these problems very much real, but they are continuously affecting more and more of us with each passing year. I’m quite sure that I could find some sort of term for each of these but I’ll instead call them by what I understand them to be. The first of these I will call ‘wasting your life by working a monotonous job for a corporation which does not care about you, all so that you may be able to afford the luxury of living like a human being.’ Of course, I do not in any way mean to argue against labor, as if it was something to be despised. This is not my position. I only mean to say that this particular conception of what a job is, or should be, is highly unacceptable. I can think of very few ways by which you could degrade a society faster. The second problem I’ll term ‘living in an artificial environment which deprives of the will, the means, and often even the incentive for creative pursuits, and which trains the mind to look towards ends rather than means’. Once again, I am not attacking luxury, material pleasures, or the idea that a job can indeed be an end in itself. There truly are those out there who dream of a meaningful and fulfilling career or who wish to do some good for others and simply find a way to do so while also earning a living. However, this is not the reality I saw when I entered the workforce. Instead I saw, and continue to see, a growing mass of people deprived of their curiosity, their creativity, and their ambition. I saw people swearing under their breath each time they walked in to work, and heard plenty of “thank god”s and “finally”s on their way out. I saw how a completely fictitious and arbitrary concept like “Monday” could come to be so dreaded. I saw the absolute waste of human life and potential. But above all, I saw who I did not want to become; someone who lived ‘only for the weekend’; someone who valued little more than the pleasures of the body; someone who would answer the question of “who are you?” with the name of a profession. I don’t believe it’s too difficult to understand that humans have needs besides those concerned with physical sustenance. There are also those others, which I call actualizing needs, and which concern personal fulfillment. Included in these are art, music, poetry, literature, drama, sports, religious festivities, holidays, and all those other great things which truly make life worth living. In fact, I propose that without the liberty for creative expression there can exist nothing which we can call humanity. My third great problem will be called ‘loneliness.’ There are better ways of describing it, but there’s no need. I’m sure we are all aware by now that loneliness has nothing to do with physical surroundings; it is not a physical condition and it does not arise from a lack of interaction with others but rather from a lack of connection. This is why there are many out there, physically surrounded by many people and many things to do, yet nonetheless feel alone. This is something which has unfortunately been made more and more true for me during these past few years. I fear what could happen to me if I remain confined to such an environment. I fear being deprived of the will to create, the desire to do good, and the connections to other people and the world around me, which I have grown to view as synonymous with myself. 

As I reflected on these problems, defined them better, and recognized them simply as challenges to be overcome, I thought of many different ways of doing so. I considered options mild and extreme, everything from weekly walks through the park and online gaming to quitting my job and running away. I rejected most of these, naturally. I did hesitate, for quite a while, but it was not due to fear or anxiety, present though they were. It was rather a matter of indecisiveness. I’ve actually been quite restless for some time now, in desperation of a chance to be able to apply my full energies and efforts with confidence. Simple as the idea may be, it took me some time to arrive at it. I did so by looking for a way by which I could ‘combine’ all the individual changes I wanted to make in my life and then figuring out how to make it happen. Among those changes were: study more, write more, travel more, make more friends, quit my job, move out, and several others. Thus, I came up with this: A one year road-trip, absolutely devoid of any formal labor or study, during which I can travel, see the many great national parks, state parks, and cities of this beautiful country, meet brand new people, create those valuable connections I seek, and perhaps finally be able to complete some of my major writing projects. The idea initially seemed ambitious or even unrealistic, however, just a moment’s consideration revealed the opposite. There truly are not many obstacles which prevent, or have prevented me (sadly), from realizing such a goal. Up until not too long ago, my biggest obstacle to living a fulfilling life has been myself. Thanks to the study and practice of philosophy that is no longer the case. Now the only roadblocks to remove are purely physical ones, and I have begun the process of removing them. As expected, my biggest challenge is funding such a project which is why I chose to set my date of departure for about a year and a half in the future. In that time I’ve been working to make sure that this dream of mine becomes a reality. I can now think of my day job as a simple means to the end of acquiring the money I need, which in turn makes it quite a bit more bearable. I’ve also really enjoyed the process of researching and planning the sites I hope to visit and the things I mean to do. Above all, I’ve benefited greatly from the changes I’ve made in my daily life in direct response to those problems I mentioned. In other words, this simple idea has improved my life before even being put into effect, hence my excitement. Few things besides have been on my mind these past few months. Today, that is all the more true, since my expected date of departure is exactly one year in the future. I feel restless, and one year seems like an unbearable amount of time. I’ve tried to remind myself that very often the journey is more important than the destination itself. Still, it is a destination I wish to arrive at, and I promise to try my best to do so. 

The next two years seem promising for me, to say the least. Granted, life is hardly predictable. Yet I do believe that, should Lady Fortune look kindly upon me, it is fully within my power to see my goals through to completion. If you’re still reading this, thank you. The journey I envision for my life seems like one which would not be much fun to traverse alone. Always remember, that if you so desire, you may find a friend here.

-Rose

[themeaningofitall]

02/19/2023

Today was a lovely day. After two weeks of less than desirable weather, I woke up to warm temperatures, calm winds, plenty of sunlight, and no immediate responsibilities to take care of. I began the day with a cup of tea and some poetry before breakfast, and planned nothing but “productive leisure” for the rest of the day. I had a pleasant lunch with my mom and now I’ve retreated to the comforts of my room. With nothing else planned for the last few hours before bed, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk about how things have been going lately.

Thanks to the weather I’ve spent quite a lot of time indoors, which for the most part translates to a lot of reading and a constant struggle against the allures of online shopping. Thankfully, I’ve been able to limit myself to a healthy order of books, some scented candles, and several boxes of tea. Originally, when I learned I’d have so much free time on my hands, I planned to reserve most of it for my writing. However, I’ve been suffering from the worst case of writer’s block I’ve had in a good minute. So instead I’ve been looking for other ways of staying productive. Perhaps most surprisingly, I picked up my guitar again. It’s been a long while since I’ve even practiced, and I honestly don’t know why I stopped. Other than that, I’ve been spending more time in the gym, studying, and listening to new music. Most importantly, I’ve been dedicating a lot of time and effort towards clearly defining my creative goals or projects, and creating a detailed plan for getting them done. This has really been more time consuming rather than complicated. My goals are really only two and very simple ones. The first is to write and the second is to travel. For this I think it really boils down to having two things and those are time and money. Therefore, I’ve set aside the first year as a “preparatory” year during which I can save everything I need, and the second year as the year to travel without much worry and enjoy the fruits of the first year. I’ll refrain from saying more for now, but suffice it to say that I am beyond excited to begin this next chapter of my life.

Lastly, I’d like to wish you all the best and remind you that you are a part of this world, and that you can make this world better just by taking care of yourself. Good night.

[themeaningofitall]

01-05-23 I’m back

The past few months have been tumultuous indeed. I feel like a completely different person. So great has been the change, and so sudden, that I feel as though recent events have taken place over a decade. Ideas have been swarming around in my head, it’s difficult to tell which, if any, are good ones. I’ve been reading and writing at a rate I haven’t been able to for years. In fact, I’ve been so restless in this new revival of energies that it at times becomes counter-productive. Still, I do not in any way mean to complain. This was the change in my life that I required. Yes, it was sloppily guided at first, but the progress was very much real. Now, I feel invigorated, impatient, and full of life. After years of idleness, vice, and self-destruction, I finally feel ready to begin a long process of creativity, cultivation, and growth, and that is, coincidentally, the purpose of this.

The unrealistic and largely unoriginal projects that my immature mind first envisioned when I began reading philosophy a few years back have, after many polishings, begun to reach maturity. My ideas have also begun to form a concise body of thought, which has become my current goal to express. I also have plans for a few literary works, a narrative, a biblical commentary, and a few minor others. My plans are ambitious to be sure, but I believe that they are fully within my grasp, provided I focus. Above all, I long to learn by experience. Thus, I hope to also travel extensively seeing the landscape of this very beautiful continent.

However, all the experiences of the world would seem meaningless if they remained confined to my mind alone. And this is my greatest hope, that all I learn, experience, and create may be shared with others of like sentiment. With that in mind, there are a few things I would like to say. First, I know this blog looks dead, but I’m going to revive it. For the time being, this is where I’ll be posting anything I write. Second, I’ll be using the hashtag #rosereflects to keep track of any original work, but anyone can use it if there’s something you want me to see, reblog, etc. Third, and most important, you’re free to message me for any reason and at any time. I absolutely love having deep discussions, but I’ll be interested in a talk about pretty much anything. Truly, I love to meet new people. 

If you’ve read this far, thank you. My hopes are high and many, but manageable, I believe, by the prospect of having others to share it with. I’ll do my best to post regularly from now on. There is a great community here of readers, writers, poets, and artists, and I really would love to meet some of you. Nonetheless, thank you and take care.

[themeaningofitall]

Charles Chaplin - A Pair of Allegories of Music and Poetry

[themeaningofitall]

A writer is a person, who has to expose his/her deepest thoughts and bare his/her soul before unknown people.

When a writer pens his or her thoughts, he/she intellectually becomes naked before all the people in the world, as he writes what he/she thinks.

When we are exposed before people, we become vulnerable to their opinions and criticism.

Writing is the exposition of the thoughts of the writer and a reader often knows the writer more intimately than even family members or a friend.

You are loved, you are hated and you are ridiculed by people for simply expressing your opinion.

You may get older and you may change physically and mentally, but you can never get rid of your writing which reflects the image of your mind at the given point in time.

Remember, once you have exposed your nakedness, you can never unexpose yourself.

An average person is a reader who can't imagine the pain of a writer who dares to expose his mind before unknown people.

If you wish to be a writer, be ready to face huge criticism from people whose minds think in a different way.

[themeaningofitall]

Everything Happens for a Reason

is what we are often told whenever a tragedy, misfortune, or other misery happens to befall us or someone close to us. We may even utter this ourselves without a single care or thought as to what it is we truly mean to say. But let us actually think about it; let’s not simply repeat that which we have heard others say, but instead examine this statement and see whether or not it is in accordance with our beliefs. First, why is it that this phrase is most often heard at times of suffering, pain, or distress? It hardly comes to mind in times of joy and happiness. The reason, it seems to me, is quite simple. What we truly mean to say is that everything happens for a good reason, not a bad one. This makes sense. After all, how could we ever believe that things happen for a bad reason? Second, what is this good reason that all things happen for? Presumably, it is some sort of grandiose plan which seems to lie beyond human awareness; a plan which will inevitably result in some greater good. I say this plan lies beyond human awareness since no matter how often this statement is made, no one seems to have a definitive answer as to what this plan is. If this is true then we can call our good reason the Divine Plan and use the terms interchangeably. Third, who is the architect of such a mysterious and complex plan which seems to involve so much misery? Clearly it must be some Force capable of not only conceiving such a plan, but also of carrying out all the tribulations that it entails. This Force is most often referred to, by those from whose lips this phrase escapes, as God, the Universe, the All, or some other entity whose identity is not necessary for the present discussion. Fourth, what is meant by “everything”? Are we to believe that every event throughout human history, regardless of how much suffering has been endured as a result of it, has been in perfect accordance with the Divine Plan? This must be the case. Otherwise, not everything happens for a good reason and there would then be what we might call pointless sufferings. These are cases of suffering which the Divine Force either was powerless to prevent or simply chose to allow for no good reason. Therefore, we must either concede and accept that every event, as terrible as we might believe it is, has happened for a good reason, in other words, in accordance with the Divine Plan, or that no such plan exists; either everything happens for a good reason or nothing does. Finally, we must ask the most obvious question of them all. Despite our lack of knowledge in regards to this Divine Plan, can we possibly believe that the good that will result from it outweighs all the suffering endured in order to reach it? 

I understand why it is that people believe, or want to believe, that there is a good reason for all the suffering they endure. It seems almost illogical that episodes of great suffering should ever arise. We are creatures of reason. We are led by our very nature to look for causes, for explanations as to why things are the way they are. We wish to explain the unexplainable, and when we fail to do so, when the unexplainable seems to counter everything that we would expect to be the case, we convince ourselves, even in defiance of our own logic, into believing that there is some good reason to explain it, despite not knowing what it may be. I doubt anyone has ever spoken the words “everything happens for a reason” with ill intent. Neither are these words spoken from logic, but rather hope. They are words spoken under the faith that there is someone or something greater than ourselves that will ensure that our misery is not in vain. However, this does not excuse how careless and arrogant such a statement is. To believe that everything happens for a reason is to believe that everything that has happened needed to happen, and this view cannot be endorsed. It is the equivalent to believing that all evil and suffering, regardless of how great, is all in pursuit of an even greater good, a good which will make all the bad have been worth enduring. It denies the existence of any unnecessary sufferings, which most obviously exist. The fact of the matter is that sometimes, there is no good reason, despite how much we may wish that there was. Some things just happen, without some great benevolent reason to explain it. Everything happens for a reason, but that reason is not always a good one.

[themeaningofitall]

Muy bien escrito!

Tu finalidad en este mundo es ser feliz y esa felicidad te la das al ser tú, al escucharte, al sentirte, al comprenderte, al dejarte ser. Lo que haya alrededor tuyo si bien es importante, no es un justificante para cambiar tu actitud ante la vida, así que... ¡Anda, corre, vuela, brinca, baila, canta, ama y sé! Que a la única persona que le debes tu vida es a ti mismo. ¡Eres libre! Y que feliz soy yo al saberte siendo lo que eres por naturaleza. ¡Te amo!

Emma Blue.

[themeaningofitall]

Eternal Recurrence

Consider all that you have experienced in life so far, all the good and all the bad. Think of all your fortunes and misfortunes, all your blessings and all your miseries, all your triumphs and all your failures. Carefully weigh them all against each other; attempt to judge whether the desirable outweighs the undesirable, whether all your struggles have been equally rewarded, whether there is a bright side to all the suffering you’ve endured. Then, ask yourself “Would I willingly live this life all over again in exactly the same way?” 

Frankly, my own life is full of mistakes, all of which are my own, and all of which I regret. Some mistakes are more difficult to escape than others, and some have even led me to hate my very existence. It’s those mistakes which often keep me awake at night, wishing that I could somehow go back and change them, or else imagining how much different my life would be if I had simply acted more prudently. Regret truly is a burden. I sometimes wonder why it is that we are able to experience it at all, but that is a question for another time. The message I want to share is that regret never solved any of my problems. No amount of regret can change the past. 

Friedrich Nietzsche lived a very difficult life. No doubt, he made choices which he regretted and endured hardships that many people never will. Despite this, he made an effort to live his life in such a way that he would willingly live it all over again, entirely unaltered, infinite times over. He developed a theory by the name of eternal recurrence in which he claimed that all we know as reality has been recurring eternally and will continue to do so for all time. This theory serves not as an explanation about the true nature of reality, but rather as a thought experiment for an individual to evaluate their life. If you ask yourself whether or not you would willingly live your life again without any alteration and answer no, then you can be sure that you are not living correctly, as judged by your desires. While I will not claim that there is any one correct way to live life, I will assert that each individual must learn to love their life in its entirety, embracing both the good as well as the bad, so much so that they would be happy to relive it an infinite amount of times over.

I share this thought experiment because of the great benefit it has brought me. It has helped ease some of my burden of regret, and has allowed me to evaluate my life in its entirety, valuing all of my previous experiences, both positive and negative, since without them, I would not be who I am now. Perhaps my life would be better if I had acted differently or avoided some of the decisions I now consider mistakes. But how could I ever truly know that? Regret is often inescapable; as humans we sometimes can’t help but to feel it. However, for all its inescapability, regret is an unnecessary pain. My past mistakes lie beyond my control, I cannot change them, regardless of how much I may want to. My future choices, on the other hand, are mine alone to control. I must live life in such a way that the good outweighs the bad. And when misfortune arises, as it inevitably will, I will overcome it and move past it, with neither hate nor regret. This is the advice I give to all: love your life in its entirety, learn from your mistakes, but do not give yourself needless pain by dwelling on them, and live as if you would relive; for, a life which is not worth reliving is not worth living once, and the life which is worth living once is worth reliving a thousand times.

[themeaningofitall]

Incredible. Truly beautifully written.

[themeaningofitall]

Diary Entry: September 30, 2021

In the past few months, my life has significantly improved. Better still, I myself have improved it drastically through conscious effort and action. I think I’m beginning to understand what it is that Nietzsche meant by being a Yes-sayer. I am slowly learning, or teaching myself, to interpret life as a work of art. In order to do so however, I must accept all of life, not only the pleasant parts of it. I must say yes to life’s challenges and its struggles, and even seek them out on my own. And I am trying, despite appearance, and with some fair success I should add. I will go so far as to say that I cannot remember a better time; this might be the happiest I’ve been. Although, happiest may not be the most appropriate word; perhaps healthiest works best. This is another lesson I recently learned. That health is best defined as the ability to tolerate pain, sickness, illness, discomfort, etc. not as its lack. 

I now wish to view every challenge, problem, and trial of life as an opportunity for development, for growth, for eventual perfection. I wish to wake up all mornings with a smile on my face, glad to be alive. I wish to utilize all experiences in my favor and create the greatest life I possibly can, just as an artist uses all colors available to him so that he may turn a blank canvas into a beauty to behold. I wish to turn my life into a masterpiece that I can be proud of. I hope my health will be enough for such a task. And I too wish that someday I will be only a Yes-sayer.

[themeaningofitall]

I love this cover almost as much as the book itself

[themeaningofitall]

The Scariest Time to Write.

Is it safe to write at midnight,

When you're sitting on your own,

When the hour begins to strike,

Are you sure you're all alone.

When the wind outside is howling,

And the blood moon's in the sky,

Whilst you think you're safe inside your home,

You can hear the Banshees cry.

The branches, they are knocking,

On your rattling windowpane,

And you wonder if the doors are locked;

And you check the locks again.

You hear footsteps from above you,

And the creaking of the stairs,

And the pen is shaking in your hands,

And you're choking on your fears.

Then the house is plunged in darkness,

As lightning rips the sky,

And thunder shakes the very walls,

As it goes rumbling by.

And you smile and keep on writing,

In the flickering candle light,

And now you know that midnight,

Is the scariest time to write.

©Ambrose Harte

©Scattered Thoughts

[themeaningofitall]

To be an introvert. To enjoy time with others to the fullest while simultaneously looking forward to my alone-time later. To be the ebb and the flood, the cobblestones and the current, to need space and to give time. To take much in and be forced to breathe more because my lungs can’t take it all in at once, because my mind is full to the brim with impressions, sounds and images in motion. Introversion is like being a planet that secretly wishes to be in their own galaxy while treasuring the uniqueness of all the other planets around…