theoppoet

[theoppoet]

i don’t talk about her much.

i don’t write her poems down.

i keep them safe in my heart.

i don’t want to share her or what we had with the world even though it’s over

[theoppoet]

the love that fueled me for so long was never really love.

it was abuse and i was young.

i don’t want anyone to put that on a pedestal.

i’ve felt love since then.

real, raw love.

it made me warm and soft and glad and did not hurt at all.

sometimes eye contact was too much but i couldn’t bear to look away from him for a second.

our passion caused rock falls and paw prints that appeared in the snow.

he’s far away from me now but that love still burns

[theoppoet]

“If I write what I feel, it’s to reduce the fever of feeling.”

— Fernando Pessoa (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[theoppoet]

i truly never realized how fucking in love i am with south africa.

i think about that lighthouse and how the wind cooled me as quickly as the sun warmed me with the waves crashing at my feet.

i remember how it felt to stand in the veld at night looking at the stars and hearing birds all around me.

i long for the roll of mist sitting on the cold wet lawns and pulling my thin, polyester cardigan tighter around me.

the sounds never ceased

warm feet on cold tiles

hot leather sticking

songs that felt like

that feeling in my chest

wonders never ceased

[theoppoet]

i can’t think about how bad we had it for too long because i remember just how good it was too.

i don’t know if it’s because the anger is gone now

or if i’m that close to the sunlight again.

our love was special & magic and i know i won’t feel that again.

this next one looks like swimming in the arctic under the stars and among the bioluminescent plankton and maybe sitting by the fire in a cabin surrounded my mountains.

i’m not there yet though.

i am terrified to feel safe again.

[theoppoet]

i told our story today,

the entirety of it,

it was the first time in months i acknowledged what we were as a whole

i remember that our love felt like sunlight warming the grass outside a cottage covered in roses,

and picnics in a meadow filled with butterflies and birdsong.

all blue skies.

until the hurricanes blew in

[theoppoet]

the burn and ache of this pure love will always conquer the festering sting of ours

i keep them both with me.

they make me who i am.

[theoppoet]

i do my best to write.

it’s almost harder now that he’s slipped out of my heart.

i didn’t expect to ever stop loving him

but here i am almost 12 months later and there’s no room in my body for him.

my body is too full of new lovers to squeeze him in.

happiness feels euphoric now

[theoppoet]

‪all my love letters from the universe are tied together with woven moonlight. she sends me them whenever i forget myself. ‬

- they never fail to make me feel safe

[theoppoet]

i can’t believe how long it’s been since i last spoke to her. i have no idea where she is. is she okay? is she safe? does she know i love her? does she know i’ll wait forever? i’m more patient than i appear. i’ll be right here when she gets back.

- I love you. I'll wait for you. Come back. Come back to me.

[theoppoet]

i think if we just clean up the mess we made my heart would feel a lot less tight in my chest and the rot would leave my life

[theoppoet]

i remember him so clearly. i flick through our memories so often that no dust settles. he shines like the moon.

i’m the sun

[theoppoet]

i just want to talk to you one last time.

even if the conversation lasts a lifetime

[theoppoet]

i used to keep track of my dreams.

recording them on voice notes and scribbling on post-it‘s

but lately all my dreams have been about the future and people I want to forget.

- i’ve stopped saving my dreams but they refuse to let me go

[theoppoet]

he said he loved me again and the second that phrase was uttered I knew that it was true

and it wasn’t reciprocated

[theoppoet]

[theoppoet]

My body is a bruise, purpled with loss. I am tired of swallowing your name, finding ink on each of your shirts, red petals in the pages of books.

— Caitlin Bailey, from “Poppies,” Solve for Desire