these-r-my-thoughts

[these-r-my-thoughts]

please don't ever think that no one cares about you

I work in an ER and we see suicides all the time. And we get at least 3 suicidal ideations a night. We all care about you. I promise, we do. A team of complete strangers who have worked 3+ 12 hour shifts this week who are being screamed at all day and night and probably haven’t had lunch and trust me, we still love you and care about you.

We had a 16 year old patient last night who we couldn’t save. We were in that room with this patient for over an hour, we did everything we could. And let me tell you, we all cried. The EMT’s, the nurses, the doctor. We all huddled together in the doctors dictation room and cried.

I went through the rest of my shift with smudged mascara and tracks on my cheeks.

I remember the names of all the patients that have taken their lives on my shifts.

I remember squeezing the hands, smoothing the hair, kissing the foreheads, and wiping away the blood and the vomit of every patient that has left me too soon.

I can still see every face that I have zipped into a body bag.

Trust me, someone cares about you. You have never met them yet. You don’t ever think about them. They are never remembered when you talk about heroes and role models.

But someone loves you.

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Well looks like I failed.

I’ve spent over nine years trying to do one thing well and tonight was the end of it all. Ya know what I have Achieved? Nothing. And God forbid I say anything because I need to “be greatfull” and “just be proud of myself”. But I just can’t. I hate myself. Why am I so pathetic! I’ve have worked non stop as hard as I can, gave literally, my blood sweat and tears. Yet it’s still NEVER good enough. And I just know that everyone is disappointed. Why wouldn’t they be. Im sure they probably don’t even like me. FUCK. I WANT TO DIE. HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO GOD DAMN PATHETIC!!! Im so sorry. I tried my hardest I swear. Im sorry

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Monster: So I saw this kid, right?

Victor: oh cool, who?

Monster: Actually, it was your little brother. Yeah I thought he could be my friend maybe.

Victor: Cool how did that go?

Monster: well... he called me a monster... and I kinda hate you... so I strangled he to death then framed it on a poor Innocent woman whos only falt was knowing you :)

Victor: ...

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Pillow 1: beneath my head

Pillow 2: between my knees

Pillow 3: the huggin’ pillow

Pillow 4: against my back to anchor me to this plane of reality

[these-r-my-thoughts]

If sexualities had mottos

Straights- “opposites are adorable”

Gays- “sames are adorable”

Bi’s- “both are adorable”

Pan’s- “all are adorable”

Ace’s- “none are adorable”

Demi’s- “only you in particular is adorable”

[these-r-my-thoughts]

So I finally figured out my sexuality.

I’ve been thinking on this for years and after lots of research and pondering I truly believe Im. (Drum roll please)

Demisexual. Or if you want to be really specific. I lean more towards heteromantic demi... what do I do from here?

This is great for myself but... do I tell people now? I don’t feel like its that big though. I mean, nothings going to change. I’m still going to be the same wat I’ve always been, just now there’s a name.

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Update

My dad came home at a halfway decent time, but he’s not talking to any of us. Not a single fucking word. Like we did something wrong. No wait he just talked to me. And it was to ask if I remember seeing something on a table last Thursday... it’s Tuesday -_-

On a side note my mom is looking into a divorce lawyer.

[these-r-my-thoughts]

How am I supposed to leave?!

How can I go off to college knowing full well that I’m leaving my siblings and mother with the ass my father becomes when he’s drunk. I can take the yelling. I’m okay with being the buffer between them and him. I’ve mastered the art of drawing his anger from them and placing it on myself.

How can I just abandon them? Im moving all the way from Texas to Arkansas. What kind of sister does that?! HOW CAN I BE SO SELFISH!?!?!

My sister is growing up hateing our father because she’s never seen him not like this. My brother takes it all in and stores it away till he gets angry and almost blacks out. My mother must hate her life and who could honestly blame her. How can I possibly leave them like this? How am I supposed to leave?

[these-r-my-thoughts]

My Therapist told me that my problems stem from some form of abuse from my childhood. And i thought, no Ive had a charmed “country life”. Then my dad comes home drunk. All he wants to do is fight. Though he’s never actually hit us he has a way of making us feel so small, like we’re nothing. Tonight, as he was yelling and cursing at my mother because he’s backed potato was under cooked, I tried to tell him something along the lines of defending my mom. He told me to “shut the fuck up. No one fucking asked you” while flipping me off and then aggressively pointing his fork at me.

Im probably being dramatic

I really fucking hate him sometimes...

[these-r-my-thoughts]

So get this.

My dad loves drinking more than he loves us.

[these-r-my-thoughts]

I don’t give a fuck who you are stop what you are doing right now and watch this please

[these-r-my-thoughts]

figured out what all my posts were missing! it was the sun wearing shades in the top left corner

[these-r-my-thoughts]

I have a problem.

My therapist wants me to allow myself to cry around others and to let people take care of me. How? Like, do I just waltz up to someone and say “ya know sometimes I think life just may not be worth it” then brake down crying? I have no clue what to do!

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Perfect magnets

[these-r-my-thoughts]

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Nevermind, screw that mess.

Its times like this that I really wish a had a significant other. Someone who I can call on and have them just hug and kiss me while telling me that everything will be okay and that all those awful thoughts I have aren’t true. But mainly I just want to be held close for awhile without feeling like I’m being clingy or annoying.

[these-r-my-thoughts]

Person A: Sometimes I think people don’t really like me.

Person B: If someone doesn’t like you, then their just stupid.

Person C: Hey! Don’t call me stupid!