theslvatorediaries - Tumblr blog

[theslvatorediaries]

you disgust me but you love me

whispering that i need you in the middle of the night just to see the hairs stand up on the back of your neck.

i know i don’t want you so why am i here?

safety.

the hate that builds for you only further reassures me that no love can bloom.

none of the risk with all the reward.

worshiped like a goddess who gets to remain made of stone.

the idillic child who said that she never wanted to be placed on a pedestal has grown tired

tired of being a revolving door of man after man

loving and leaving.

i’ve turned into the very thing i detested all those years ago

jaded to the thought of a love that can last past a season.

i’ve become a woman who would prefer security to sanctity

so afraid of the pain that accompanies abandonment

yet so addicted that to willfully end my own suffering seems unthinkable.

so i’ll sit with you and let you kiss my feet

anoint the storm that sits atop my shoulders

and perish.

[theslvatorediaries]

son of the spring solstice with the sun in your eyes

no ones held me like you do in too long a time

i feel you slip away more and more each time we say goodbye

what i wouldn’t do to make you want me

what i wouldn’t do to let me make you mine

perfect getaways that lie in the shadow of separation

haunted by the inevitable end

the inescapable truth that i will never be enough

leaving perfect days only to drag myself back to my home six feet deep where i labor for a fortnight all the while dreaming of you

what do you dream of?

i know at one point it was of me but we’re not runaway insurance salesmen anymore

only perfect strangers lying side by side with nothing real to say to each other

too afraid to show our hand because we’re both convinced we’ll lose

so we lay entwined in heavy silence until it stifles the flame and leaves us cold

an unfortunate means to a self-destructive end

—a. f.

[theslvatorediaries]

I hollowed myself out for you.

Dug, dug, dug at my own flesh until that final horn blew.

Pressed against time I pushed myself to continue

All in hopes of entrapping you in my sinews

The fresh curves I made just for you to fall into.

You told me that I was nice to touch.

Those words sent shivers up my spine.

To think that I could be beautiful to someone like you

Led me along praying the floor wouldn’t fall through.

I placed all my value into you

A mistake we both knew.

But when I couldn’t find that adoration in myself

That’s when I turned to you.

And I know that it won’t be long until I fade from your view.

Until I have to find someone new.

But trying to find inner peace seems like an impossible feat

So, what’s a girl to do?

[theslvatorediaries]

That night the walk home felt like miles. She had never felt closer to the shattered sidewalk under her feet, so full of cracks the ground shifted in places. It wasn’t even a walk home as much as it was a stumble, not from drunkenness but from the shadows the trees above made in the already dark night. The tears that threatened to overflow like a forgotten bath. There was no one to see her cry but she tried to hold it together for the sake of her own pride.

[theslvatorediaries]

Sorry

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

For not realizing what I was feeling,

What I was doing,

Sooner.

I’m sorry for becoming the type of person I hated more than anyone,

Someone distant,

Someone cold.

I’m sorry for putting you through the same cycle

Time, 

And time,

Again.

I’m sorry for talking about a future, 

One I never really believed in. 

Letting all your hopes for us flow from your mouth like a waterfall.

But

You knew me.

I put you through hell.

But you came crawling back,

Every time without fail.

Like some delusional disciple to a cruel god.

Well,

I’m no god

But I pray 

You know that now.