thinkdust

[thinkdust]

21st August 2024

TW : a whole lotta cussing n s*xual subjects mentioned

I fucking hate dating apps. I was pressured by people and society to join. In our cult-like community, girls are "adviced" to be married off at like 18-19 or atleast be engaged, lest she go awry (live her goddamned life in her own way, plus she's a child, this is predatory behaviour). But being 23, I'm basically considered an "approaching old age" girl, which is so awful.

Like, i still have never left home or lived according to my needs, you'll take away my freedom before I even get a taste of it?

Well with all this ever-mounting, sometimes blatantly obvious, sometimes subtle pressure, i had to do something. I haven't dated any one ever. All I've had are awful "situationships", unrequited love and just a lot of idiots. Also you'd think being bi would increase your chances, considering your target demographic is now increasing. Welk guess what? No. It isn't! Mine was already small. It has somehow managed to shrink.

So i did what anyone on the brink of insanity would do in my situation. I started using online dating apps. I'm so socially inept. I kept my identity hidden as much as i can. I know people worry about getting catfished but like, what the hell! Can't we just have a normal conversation n then I'll reveal my fucking face?

But no. All these assholes with gym-bods and stupid greasy smiles and awfully stale pick up lines, with their "i wanna be deep with someone", "have a deep conversation with u" bullshit. Like you're as deep as a puddle, u actual waste of air!

And then, when finally one of them FINALLY connects with u, u are laughing and chatting n imagining fuckin fake scenarios of your future together in your head; full of gentle sweet nothings, n BAM! u find out they just wanna fuck around. Which is so, why would u not be straight up about that before this? And i will never understand the "casual hookup culture" thing people do, nowadays or at any time honestly. It's so lame n idiotic.

U wanna be intimate with people without actually caring for or respecting them? I understand if you're aro or ace or anything of the sort, but these straight ass men, have the audacity to say "our conversations need to be deep" n u find out they were actually talking about the depth of your fucking vagina!

I'd rather be a hermit than do this!

Rant over.

- @thinkdust 💌

[thinkdust]

Feeling the rage of an ever-elongating line of wronged children who were never considered human or enough by their parent(s).

[thinkdust]

Hello bello fellow Tumblero! ✨

I'm thinkdust. I'm 23. I'm bi. My pronouns are she/her.

Why thinkdust? Well, because parts of my brain are covered in cobwebs and my thoughts are gathering dust on the shelves of time. Too pretentious? Ugh fine, i just wanted to combine two random words, ok?

Anywho, now that you're here, welcome! I bring you my thoughts and diary/journal entries. I was skeptical of the nature of internet publicity and so decided, hey, anonymity sounds cool! Plus, i get to be covered in a shroud of enigma (says the person dumping her innermost thoughts on a public platform, but hey, the irony is supposed to be lost on me, I'm an iron deficient weakling *badum tss*)

Dad jokes aside, come here for the warm, cozy feel of my blog and stay back for the trauma dump carefully squeezed in with a plethora of awful humour and brainrot.

All in all, thank you for visiting, here's a cookie for your troubles 🍪 please don't leave hateful anon asks, I'm sensitive 👉👈

Toodles!

- thinkdust 💌

[thinkdust]

August 13th, 2024

I tried not to relate to a lot of the "your 20s are this and that" crowd noise because I felt it to be too generic or label-defining. But in the past few months, it feels like I understand that sense of rush of accomplishing all your goals at once, and simultaneous drag as you watch people around you do everything better, faster and easier than you.

While you just wait, for some happenstance, some miracle to finally push you into overdrive. No matter how much of a hermit-like existence you try to achieve, unaffected by the humdrum of the world, you still get caught up in it's ever-expanding web and before long, you're at the epicentre of chaos, just flailing arms and a bobbing head, struggling to breathe barely enough to survive.

My own 20s are I feel, like this noose round my neck that keeps tightening itself and the more I try to push away and ask for some leeway, the harsher it pulls.

To achieve academically, professionally, financially, socially, maritally, every-fuckin-thing-ally before this unfaithful clock runs out, it's just too much. It's too much of everything, and everything that's wrong.

No wonder people make some of their worst mistakes in these years, but what choice do we have? It's like you were spat out of the womb in your teens and onto an inclined full-speed treadmill in your 20s.

Uncooked, unprepared, unfinished, just navigating through life-altering decisions left, right and centre.

And for those that had or have it easy, well, they're the ones that will shine the brightest and burn the fastest, but hey, that's what counts right? Now or never! It's Carpe Diem not "Carpe at-your-own-pace"!

These are the scariest years and all that we were promised, all the luxury of freedom and adventure, well, turns out mostly it was either a far-fetched dream or a reality just for a select few with the premium subscription on Life™!

And as we tread through these unknown waters, where everything we knew is constantly changing at a rate nearly impossible to keep up with, our only lifeline, we've been told is "ourselves". I wouldn't trust myself to take care of an inanimate object without breaking it let alone a barely-functioning human being.

But hey, all the advice we can get is "C'est la vie though, right?" And I can't explain just how hard it gets when it feels like the universe is hell-bent against you, to "make you learn important life-lessons firsthand and early on", whatever that bullshit is.

And how every day that you make through feels like a boulder collapsing on your head with a catastrophic degree of regret of unlived lives, while simultaneously lifting its weight from us as the release of inevitable death draws nearer.

So maybe the other side of this gets easier and less painful but hey, that's if we make it out alive, and last I checked, the chances of that happening are lowering as we speak.

- thinkdust 💌

P.S. felt a rant boiling up in my cranium so here's the word vomit

[thinkdust]

Heyy

Welcome to Tumblr, fellow writer!

- B

Oh wow, first ask! Thank you so much. Excited to unhinge my braincell here :)

[thinkdust]

August 11th 2024

"feeling quite overwhelmed today, with grief and exhaustion, my own and others' as well." I say to my mom as I get home from the graveyard, a place i rarely visit because I still can't fathom what has happened and all that surrounds it still.

it's going to be a year soon since my dad passed away and it's still weird to me. Like i acknowledge his absence, but there's so much still that's left undone.

People say that grief is love persevering, but what if there never was any love, or if there was it felt like a childhood dream that u imagine when the world's discomfort hasn't touched you yet. Innocence was my shield, awareness; both self and otherwise has ruined me in ways unimaginable.

while I'm glad of the empathy and sensitivity i have, i still can't help but wonder if its premature presence hasn't been the leading cause of all the malice in my life.

here i am, a year later, and i still don't know how to grieve someone I didn't really love and who probably never loved me either.

In his later years I was quite skeptical of us ever getting along long enough to have a meaningful conversation once without it turning into arguments and screaming matches, slamming doors and yelled-out curses, but I will admit there was this very tiny part of me, maybe that same naive little kid who had to grow up too soon, who wished for a family that didn't bicker and fight and for her best friend in her childhood, who pushed her on park swings, took her to eat ice cream and to the arcade, read stories of fantastical worlds to her before bed and cooked her really good food; to not be dead today and share that same love and time again.

I miss you dad, in all your mistakes and our miscommunications. 

A lifetime of memories woven with pain and too little love and a lot of indifference seems to have crippled me beyond grief.

I know our house is made of bricks of rage and sorrow. 

But you hurt us all, too many times; with your lies and your secrets, your anger and your disconnect. 

I know I was enraged by your presence, but never had I imagined I'd be enraged by your absence too. 

- thinkdust 💌

P.S. I used to wake up thinking it was all a dream, that you were the one that actually did wake up that morning instead of sleeping forever, but now I don't do that anymore, and I don't know what to make of that.