thinkingtrips

[thinkingtrips]

Competitive Sex

Welp, yesterday was quite the show. For once, I played the villain, and it was exhilarating. I’ve been flirting with this guy on and off for 3 years, not thinking much of him. Until one night, I agree to hang out, clarifying we wouldn’t be having sex. I knew well the kind of guy he is; the kind who thinks with their penis. Long story short, he pleasured me into sex and I wasn’t mad. I love sex, and he wasn’t bad at it. I still felt a little cheated though, considering that I didn’t get to cum yet he did. As a woman, I am too used to not orgasming in sex. So I wasn’t mad, but I felt disappointed. After that day, I initiated conversation with him just to get my chance. Basically, me and my close friend conducted a scheme; he is going to come over and give me head then leave. Little did I know, his intentions were the same. He even told me that he would only have time to get head from me, then he has to leave. I played stupid of course, made him believe that I would be pleasuring him and expecting nothing in return. I know right, aren’t I a gentlewoman? Anyways, he comes over. I make out with him and he goes into dominating mode; which seems to be his usual performance in bed. I made it a point to throw that dynamic off, or perhaps scare him a little. I started moving his head down to my cooch. He then tried to put my head to his penis. This lead to a full fledge rough housing sesh, both of us competing to get a nut off. I would let him slip in and get some strokes then push him out. I made it a point to be as dominant as him. “If you don’t eat this pussy then you can get out”. “I am not like these other bitches”. Of course I came up with that at the top of my head, I made sure to say things that would trigger him. He even mumbled “bitch” under his breath, an indicator that I won. His misery fueled my excitement. His desperation amused me. My aggression amped him up. What was supposed to be an easy 30 minute fuck, turned into a full on MMA match but sexually. I never broke eye contact, I would stare into his soul, searching for any indicator of self doubt; all so I could use it to fill my ego. 

At the end, he left unhappy yet stuck around for an hour longer than we agreed on. Had I been the complicit little sex doll he expected, I would’ve gotten cheated twice. That, I cannot handle. Sorry Bash, I had to do it to you. Long story short, if a man ever fucks you then leaves without making you cum, he is trash. Use them back.

[thinkingtrips]

Trying the 48 L.O.P

48 Laws Of Power is a popular "self help" book, except it helps you manipulate. I mean, that is self help right? Anywho, I have been reading it & taking notes, in hopes that I get something out of it. My whole life, I have been a reactionary person. It played a big role in what was once low self esteem, I had to do alot of self discovery to get to this point. When I look back, life could've been much easier had I known to say a little less, and not show emotional reactions to people who provoked me. In order to not lengthen my list of resentmemts, I need a different approach. For the nest month, I am going to communicste less emotionally, stop being defensive, listen better, and observe. I don't plan to "gain power", I plan to rebrand myself. I no longer will be regarded as "too sensitive", and my actions will prove so. Life isn't forever, and I want to cherish the broken part of myself rather than exploiting it.

[thinkingtrips]

Misconceptions about OCD

A few months ago, I was officially diagnosed with OCD by a psychiatrist. I had my suspicions beforehand, but them being confirmed by a professional gave me hope. I think it is okay to look for a label for a mental illness. By doing so, I found a community of people on reddit who understand my circus brain. The psych prescribed me Clomipramine, a strong medication for OCD. He picked this med because of the fact that I had been on many SSRIs and nothing worked. I am really bad at staying on medication, but I was desperate. With a little self discipline, I was able to pull through the side effects. Mind you, I was dealing with some disturbing intrusive thoughts. One of my themes was of harm happening to me, again, linked to uncertainty. What made it worse was that I avidly used TikTok and watched true crime everything. I felt like my brain was polluted. I was miserable up until medication. I started to notice effects within a week, I was much more patient than usual. I was being a lot nicer to people, started bonding with my cats more, and the intrusive thoughts weren't as big and scary anymore. I could finally wake up and not feel hyper aware of my senses, and the fact that I felt miserable.

I was finally thinking of my future, and the circular thoughts stopped. It felt like breaking out a loop. That is why I name myself "thinking trips" because I mentally go on thinking road trips. I still do, but its a nicer ride nowadays. I am able to zoom by the intrusive thoughts, and understand what is really me beneath them. I talked so negatively to myself for so long, only to conclude that I am a good hearted person and I'm strong.

[thinkingtrips]

Loving myself makes me lonely

The dating world is honestly so ruthless out here. I stay single for my mental health, but I like the idea of "casual dating". The idea sounds so great, until I realize that I want more. What can I do? Expect my hookup to treat me to a nice dinner? I think that is why I steer clear of "friends with benefits". It doesn't work for me, in fact, it is the opposite of what I truly crave; a bond. I really want someone who adds joy to my life, more than I can for myself.

Sex is complicated for me, and it distracts me from the person in front of me. I guess I use this fantasized version of them to fulfill my needs, only to realize they are quite the opposite. So I use sex and the validation that comes with it, as a drug, to shut up the voice inside me screaming "give me love and security". This always ends in disappointment as you could imagine. That dissapointment lead to another, then another. Before I knew it, I could count my resentments on both hands. I guess I am in a place now where I know that being emotionally vulnerable is a strong quality, yet underappreciated. This is so prevelant in the dating-sphere.

Although my desired person isn't ideal, I know that they exist out there. In fact, I exist. And my favorite things about myself are what I want in a partner. Conceited? Never.

Here is me after stressing about a damn text message, right before I realized I am a bad bitch.

[thinkingtrips]

I am my own bestfriend, bye

The past 48 hours have taken me on a mental rollercoaster. I am left with nothing but disappointment and a sudden urge to start a tumblr. In case you were wondering, I am going through a friendship break up...a serious one. I always dreaded the idea of this happening, then it just happened. They crossed a major boundary that I made clear, so I did what was right and dropped them. I didn't even have to think twice about it. This person and I were super close, swore we'd be bestfriends forever. I didn't see it coming once, and would've bet money on us staying friends. Oddly enough, I am confident with my decision. I am 22, in college, and finally starting to see my future coming together. I have 7 cats who give me plenty of love, and family that care. Losing a friend doesn't subtract from the love in my life. Nor does it affect my overall happiness. Besides, I know toxic when I see it, they fit the script. Self admittedly too. Here is my new criteria for friendships. They must not have an anger issue, a pick-me attitude, and must not avidly post weird quotes on Instagram about dating. Now that I have rid myself of this stream, I can finally reddit scroll in peace now. Thanks for listening.