thoughts-from-a-banana - Tumblr blog

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

Let me rip the fat from my thighs, my ass, my stomach, my face. I don’t want to get better. I want my sharp angles back. I want my collarbones to pierce through the fat around my neck and double chin. I am disgusting. I miss my sharp hipbones and the shadow of my spine against my paper thin skin and the hollow dips of my rib cage. Where did the definition of my legs go? I was so strong. I was beautiful at 80. How could I have gotten to this point? I will not be a whale. I will not be so weak that I allow myself to mindlessly eat. 

NO MORE GAINING. 

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

color me real

This is a story of a girl. Her yellow is dirty. The tarnished gold of a long forgotten trophy. She is broken and damaged. She has broken hearts and been broken. She has lied and been lied to. Her heart is frail and fragile. She is cynical. She is worn. Living seems like a chore and her patience for the work is wearing thin. 

This is a story of a boy. He is a muted grey-blue. The color of rain clouds on a cold day. He is broken and damage. He has given up hope. He will forever be alone. He is an old soul. His heart has been broken and he has broken others. He floats through life on autopilot. Waiting for something. Death? Love? Just another day?

She wants the rollercoaster to end. She wants the pain to subside. Bad wife. Slut. Fat. Whore. Lazy. Pathetic. These labels are stapled to her flesh for the world to see. She carries them around like bricks weighing her down. She doesn’t have the energy to lift her head.

He is unraveling. He wants the loneliness to end. He wants a purpose. Work isn’t enough. His family isn’t enough. They don’t really need him. He wants to make a difference before he leaves this world. But how? What could he do? 

Then he saw her. 

A tiny feeble bird with an anvil around her neck. Every step was a great feat. Deep craters of pain and sleeplessness colored the skin around her big brown eyes. Her eyelids puffy and red from the silent trail of tears running down her face. They never left the ground. 

She saw him.

He was a broad presence. Poised and quiet, but with a booming laugh. Intimidating, but undeniably attractive. The air seemed to hum with safety and stability when he entered the room. Unconsciously she was drawn to him. 

Together the colors became brighter. He had a purpose and helped to lift the world from her shoulders. He redefined the word love for her. He showed her that yellow is the petals on a dandelion. Common, but still beautiful. Yellow is the glow of the fire on a warm summer night. It is the color in which the sun paints the sky and the earth as it sets. Yellow doesn’t have to be chaos. It can be calming. 

She gave him a purpose. His blue became a color of protection and strength. It is the sky on a cloudless day. Blue is the color of cold water on a hot afternoon. It is soothing and a relief to see. His presence gave her the ability to relax and hers gave him a reason to take another breath.

Together, they made green. A color of growth and a fresh start. They gave each other another chance at life, this time a healthier and happier life. 

He was her rock. 

She was his world.

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

Every time that I talk to you, I feel like my heart is being ripped out. 

You tell me that you have planned your whole life around me coming home. 

Yet

You knew I wasn’t coming home. 

I sat on your parents’ couch and told you that. 

Now you tell me that you don’t know what to do.

Please don’t make this harder than it is. 

If you are trying to make me feel bad for you

well

you are doing a 

fine

fucking

job.

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

Remember those shooting stars?

Laying out beneath the obsidian night

Bundled up

With layers upon layers of happiness and laughter?

We were so comfortable in the presence of each other.

What happened?

Where did those people go?

It seems like that lasted a fraction of a second and then it vanished.

Maybe our love was like a shooting star?

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

I want to claw off the meat from my thighs.

Pinch off the rolls on my sides. 

Fat.

Ugly.

Nauseating.

No one can love a fat girl.

I am strong enough to lose it again.

Where I am pretty and pink and empty inside.

The shadows of my collarbones dance upon my pale skin.

The sharp angles of beauty stand out upon my face.

My legs and arms thin and elegant.

I will not be a weak hungry girl.

I will not give in.

80lb here I come.

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

Aly & AJ - Potential Breakup Song Explicit (Live)

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

MOD SUN - "Flames" (Feat. Avril Lavigne) - OFFICIAL AUDIO

“I still burn for you.”

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

Though you may not be by my side anymore

The passion of our souls

The heat of our love-making

Will forever be branded upon my

Memory.

You have changed me and I am hopelessly

And

Utterly

Lost

Without

You.

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

Kiss me with the tenderness of morning dew drops.

Ignite my soul with the strength of a wild fire.

I want to feel your presence entwined with mine in one unending loop.

Caress my heart with your words and show me your love.

Create with me an intimacy so permeating that the core of our beings beat as one.

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

I hope that there will always be room in your heart for me because you will always be in mine.

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

release

I need to find the release again. 

The red rain drops that slide to my elbows and down my thighs.

I want to find a pain so intense 

it will block out every other feeling in my soul. 

I want to hide under the cover of my physical pain so that I don’t even notice the agony that runs in my veins. 

I want to cut off all of the fat parts of my body and claw off everything that keeps me from being beautiful.

I want to find the control that I used to have. 

Not Hungry

Not Hungry

Not Hungry

Strong and Empty

Strong and Empty 

Strong and Empty

How did I allow myself to be such a goddamn pussy? 

Where I have to eat?

Where I feel the pain of a paper cut or burn?

Where I feel things again?

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

[thoughts-from-a-banana]

SOS

I feel like I have fallen into a well. I am slowly drowning. I’m trying to stay positive and take my medicines like I’m supposed to, but my head doesn’t like it. My heart stays in a spiraling whirlwind of depression. Please, Heart, please just be ok. The acting is getting so difficult. I know my seams are cracking. I don’t know if I can keep up this facade much longer. I wish I had someone who I could spill my every thought to. My hopes and fears and pain. Someone who I could tell and who I wouldn’t hurt with my thoughts. But I can’t share. People have already been hurt enough with the depth of sadness in my soul. I cannot make someone else’s burdens this heavy. 

So until I find another solution, we will go on. I will go on. I will continue to play the happy girl who is healing. The happy girl who is not grieving the loss of innocence and happiness. The happy girl who is happy with her weight and eats like a normal human being. The happy girl who does not cut her wrists in agony. Because that is what is expected of me. I cannot go back to the facility. I cannot go back. I cannot end up in the cycle. I must play my part well enough for those around me. Oh, how I wish things could be different.