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[thoughts-from-k]

Losing friends

Sometimes I wonder if I am really such a horrible bad person as some people say. It might hurt others when I try to defend myself, because I say things to stop them attacking. And it might hurt someone if I end the friendship with them. But how are these things worse than when they attack me, try to make me feel guilty, or provoke me to start a fight... just because they misunderstood something. Or why would it be better to keep calling something friendship, when both sides are over the point of trusting or liking each other? Isn't it bad to hurt each other instead of just going left and right? It's hard for me to let friends go, because I can be really attached to them, and can't even imagine never hearing anything about them. So I think I stay in bad relationships longer than I should, and wait for some miracle to happen.

Sometimes I wonder about something else too. Maybe I really don't deserve to be loved, or to have friends. I can't keep them and help them as they need it. At least that's how so many of those I lost described me. This latest one said a whole series of awful things. She saw me as aggressive, jealous, coward person with deep mental issues.

It's actually scary. Just the basic fact she saw these traits in me. What if I really have a huge blind spot? What if it's all made up to push me into depression as a revenge for something. And what the Hell she wanted from me if she thought I'm like that? She should run away and never look back. Actually she managed to make me run, but I don't care. It isn't about winning anything... I just want to focus on better things, find balance, peace, improve myself. This didn't work. Her negativity and despise pushed me down, pulled me back. And I'm convinced it was harmful for her too. I'll miss her, her good side, but I reached my limits, and communication doesn't work any more. .-.

[thoughts-from-k]

How to make your friends turn away from you 21+1 tips and tricks

0. Find someone who likes you. It should be a "problematic" person., makes it easier to criticize them later, and show off your perfection (you support and accept every kind of people, and you say it often enough).

1. Tell them how desperately you wish for someone to give you help/advice/constructive critique about something you do. When they do it, turn them off every single time - without exception - telling them you disagree, and you wanted to do it the way you just did.

2. Tell them you wish to find people for things you like doing. If they go with you, and try, criticize them at every single opportunity. Make them really feel how their efforts are worthless, highlight yourself explaining how you do it (so much better, and how much more effort you put into that activity).

3. Try something they would like to do, and say you don't want more of it, because it isn't interesting for you. Find something you can point at as a reason, for example: you are not competitive, they are, and they do it to compete with you. [Ignore your behaviour in 2.] They are doing things wrong (how they organize a club or something) . Say it, even if they followed the advice you gave to them.

4. Be offended if they don't watch your 40 hours game videos, but when they mention you a book they liked, find superficial information about it, form a negative opinion, and tell them how you's never read anything like that. Generally do your best to break down their motivation and enthusiasm about anything they might like.

5. Be demanding. Demand information (more than you actually need), feelings (yep, you really want them to feel certain ways, if they can't they are not true friends). Above all! demand complete access to their private life, otherwise you have to believe they are hiding things from you, and you cannot trust them.

6. If they keep some privacy, or don't want to constantly argue with you, and don't say everything they think, then tell them you can't trust them.

7. If they defend themselves, or argue about your attitudes towards them always say: - you didn't say anything wring to them - you don't remember saying those things. Always come out of the fight as "the victim". Don't apologize! Never admit you did something wrong.

8. Tell them how badly they treat you, and how much you tolerate from them.

9. If they say you are angry, say you aren't, they can't make you angry. (In other words, they can't reach you, you don't care enough about them to take it seriously.)

10. Never admit you did something wrong against them, but if they confront you with a mirror, saying you think you are too perfect, then say: you are aware you aren't perfect, and make mistakes, and sometimes you say rude things to others purposefully in anger. (never admit you're doing this to them too, it's important)

11. After some fights, if you made them apologize a few times, and made them feel awful friends, you can start the next phase.

12. Tell them you can't talk to them about anything, because you are afraid of their reaction. If they say the same about you, call them idiots, and cowards.

13. Repeat it enough times, you don't trust them. You don't want them to think you changed your opinion about them.

14. ALWAYS - very important - in every conflicts they have or ever had, take the opposite side. Don't forget to point out they caused it all to themselves. And don't offer any help to heal from these.

15. After doing so, complain a lot about it how nobody supports you, and all you want, a caring friend.

16. Ignore them a lot. If they bring it up, say you thought they didn't need as much attention as your other friends.

17. Complain about lack of friends again.

18. Call them your friends, but continue to behave the same way. If they ask why you are with them, if there is anything you like about them at all, then respond with confusing silence, and don't give any clear answers, avoid the question. If they say something positive about you, you just nod, saying it's same on your side too.

19. Make them feel guilty about everything: about treating you bad, about not doing everything in life they "could" (according to you), not wanting to know about your sexual life... everything you can think of. Criticize them for everything you hate in yourself. But deny if they say you share that trait.

20. If they try to discuss the friendship problems, never take the blame for anything. But demand change from them. (5. + 10. combined)

21. Throw them away if you are sue they will come after you, trying to make peace with you. But you never go after anyone to apologize, nobody is important enough for you.

+1 If they reach the point of human endurance, and leave you behind, then show their messages to your still existing supporters, and make them pity you, and boost your ego. You'll be fine in no time.

Note: Sorry for the bitter humor. I had bad luck, I knew more then one of this type. In those friendships, even if I saw the person's value, I constantly found myself defending, explaining myself. Nothing was ever really good enough for them - except when they had bad times, and I was there to listen and help. And sometimes these people - because they are not monsters - actually helped, and I felt gratitude. And that made me stay around them longer than I probably should, because I felt it would be a betrayal. But there is a point, when it just doesn't work anymore and falls apart. Things happened like this: I shared common hobby with them, art. And if I didn't manage to say what they wanted to hear, and obviously I didn't, then at one point they said they hate my works, I shouldn't show them anything I created. Let's say I liked the landscape painting more than their character drawing. Or liked their own drawing more than their hobby translations. Or with one of them it was difficult, because the person really have a lot to improve and I didn't want to be too harsh, so just pointed out a few things... for the person's request. And the reaction was complete rejection, this friend said it was purposefully like that.

We played it a few times, and then I gave up. I am not an art teacher, I tried to do something good, in a gentle way, but even that didn't work. Soon the same person started to complain about the lack of support and constructive criticism. Tried to push me into giving critique again, and when it didn't work, I got the: "I hate commenting on your works" and ignored my works. I tried to be friends with a certain community. I didn't fit it, some thought it's fun to mess with my emotions, being rude. I grieved my father too, everything just came at once, and I talked about it to my friend. For a few moments the person said it was unfair, but then I could say something my friend didn't like, and then the opinion changed to this: I caused it for myself, that group's reaction is understandable. That's how dynamics change with this type. And if someone is more emotional - like me - it's likely they/we react to that, confront the friend, and then there is fight over fight until one has enough brain to leave it all behind and close the friendship. No other options left.

If you feel like you're reading about one of your relationships, then let it be a warning sign. If you are the one doing such things to your friends, then it's a mirror for you. Please stop doing it. Thanks for reading!

[thoughts-from-k]

Starting thoughts about my gender

I had this basic idea about writing this blog from a woman's perspective, and I think I should start from that basic fact that I'm a woman. It sounds so easy, and trivial, and it's so easy to forget how many things it means.

I want to state, I write about myself, because I can't see into other people's minds, also because this is something only I can do, because nobody sees into my mind either.

I also apologize if my English is poor in some places, I'm not a native English speaker.

Now I can start.

What does it mean that I am a woman?

It means I'm biologically female.

My body has more round shapes, I have feminine facial features, higher voice...etc.

It is expected from me to give birth. Family expects this, the government expects this...I have a feeling, some people think it should be the ultimate goal of my life. If I can't do that, then I don't have a full value in their eyes.

It is expected from me to be physically weaker than an average male of my species. (it doesn't always happen that way)

I'm expected to behave in certain ways, like caring a lot about my look, liking certain things, and not liking other things... but when people actually see me, they often expect me to do the opposite.

Let me explain... as a woman, I'm expected to be interested in love, romantic stuff... but when other women see that I'm not the pretty lady type or at least cute type... then they assume (correctly) that nobody would want me, and I'm single, but they also assume (incorrectly) that I'm not even interested in a chat about men. It happened before, when I appeared, and the topic was one of these "woman topics" the others stopped the conversation, or continued, but didn't ask my opinion about anything. It felt really awkward.

Especially when there's a topic that isn't personal, just clothes, shoes, dresses, make up... and I'm not expected to have an opinion, or liking those things... like if it would be exclusive to women having average and better appearance. Honestly it's stupid, but that's how many women behaves around me.

So, being a woman means in my life, that up to a certain point, things are always about my look.

It depends on my look how well I'm accepted by classmates, colleagues... if they include me in the conversation or not, if they dare to appear with me in public or not. It depends on my look, if people decide to look deeper into my personality, or they will judge me as lazy, boring and dumb - because those are the typical characteristics associated with my body type.

I have very ambivalent feelings about the people around me.

They judge me negatively because of my look.

If I'd suddenly magically heal from my health problems, drop all the extra weight, and start to wear prettier clothes, more make up... and people would treat me better, then I'd know it's because of my look. It would be just as superficial as their negative reactions are now.

Being a woman also means I cannot choose some professions.

I mean naturally it isn't forbidden, but I wouldn't get a job. Here people think that women are not interested in, and don't have skills for repairing machines, computers... for example. (Which we know isn't true, but the stereotype still lives.)

There is a lot of pressure, prejudices, annoying aspects in my life that are related to my gender.

But there is also an inner world, a female mind and sensitivity, that isn't visible on the surface.

I'll be honest, I don't show much of the deep stuff, because as most people treat me, it makes me shut doors and I don't want to get attached to them.

[thoughts-from-k]

First entry is first... :P

If someone would ask me to describe myself, I wouldn't like doing it, because a lot of awkward things would come to my mind. I often have the feeling I'm a loser. There are less intelligent, less skilled people in so much better positions, and I have no idea if they are there because of connections or I could also be there, but I'm doing something wrong and fail. But then I run into stories about people who have a much worse luck with life, and compared to them I'm like a winner of a lottery. 24/7 vacation if I think about it how many people don't have enough food, clear water, can't access education, live in fear... etc. I wonder if my loneliness and friendship issues really serious problems. They are for me, but maybe only because I don't have to deal with worse at this moment. I'm usually not treated as a woman (even if I am, genetically and in every possible ways), but my plan is to share my thoughts and ideas - as a woman - in this blog. Don't ask my goals, it's just a feeling... maybe it's about me, discovering a side of myself that I tend to hide / not use... So... basically this is a lady's diary, nothing more. :)