tired-thoughts9

[tired-thoughts9]

I used to wonder how I could ever get as suicidal as I did as a kid. But then I'd cry, in my room, and hear my mother stop by my sisters room instead cause she hears her listening to sad romance songs. But never my room when I'm listening to songs about slitting my wrist, as I cry.

Or I'd tell my sibling I'm lonely, and have been for days, and just that I need them to sit with me for a little bit. And they'll tell me they are going to bed, while I always get up for them, asleep, tired, in the middle of something... I'd get up. Something I now recognize that they'd never do for me.

Switching between 3 different homes as a kid, all with me as the scape goat. Each with its own pedophile that I had to protect my older siblings from.

...I don't know when the suicidal thoughts began. It feels like it's always been engraved in me, like it was inevitable I'd feel like that.

I can't say when they started, but I can say when I took a knife to my wrist, crying, the door wide open. 10 days before my 13th birthday. The knife was too dull.

[tired-thoughts9]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I started this wanting to share my tired thoughts. But then I got sick and couldn't hop on. Then I became desperate for a job, I still don't have. And STILL didn't have the mental strength to hop on. Maybe...maybe this new year I will. Maybe...

[tired-thoughts9]

YOU REMIND ME OF A CHILD/ idk

You remind me of a child...hmm...yes, a child...a child whose hurt himself for the first time...all alone in the park, confused and scared, looking down at his bruised and scraped knees, eyes welling up in tears as he cries out in pain, searching for help only to realize he's alone on the dusty ground...confused and unsure of what to do he slams his fist in pain at the ground, his limbs moving on their own as he kicks and screams, tears flowing and and growing faster as the kicking and screaming only makes the pain worsen- you remind me of a child...except this one is grown up, alone...still unsure and scared of the pain you continue to kick and scream, only making it worse as time goes on, as you are alone despite the people the people staring back at you inconfusion and acceptance cause this is all they've known you to do-

You remind me of a child. Except...the pain doesnt start out as a scrape on the knee...it starts out as broken bones and a bruised ego...and it only gets worse from there as you lash out on ang-...no....in pain. Confused, and alone, you lash out in...pain.

AN/ this is drastically different from my last post but...well...that just shows how my mind works lmao

[tired-thoughts9]

Burn- Prompt/Short Story

He  stares in horror…the flames erupting from the streets painting a horrible display as screams of terror and pain come from all angles. Kids and adults alike  jumping from high rises as smoke billows out behind them, animals yelping from their fur being caught in the flames, young and old coughing from the smoke…

He laughs in shock, ‘This is all my fault…’he thinks in disbelief. ‘I can't believe it…this is all my fault…I should have never-’ his manic thoughts are cut off by an even more manic voice coming from behind him, “Do you like it?? I did it…all for you, so do you like it??” the voice then laughs manically. 

Shakely, he turns his head in disbelief and fear, “A-are you serious?! “Do i like it”!? Are you crazy?! Why would I like this!? I never wanted this!” constricting arms circle around his body, “Shhh…it's ok…it's bound to be scary at first, but going forward…all will be so much better.…” as the world falls apart around him, tears leak past his still and numb eyes.

He thinks back on all of his actions, hitching sobs passing his lips as the smoke becomes almost too much to take. Lips cover his as he is pulled towards the helicopter. 

*Nuclear weapons have been deployed to every occupied region on Earth. The end truly has come, people…Good Night, everyb-*

He lays in the warm bed, cuddled up next to his..captor….watching the corrupted news clip over and over again. He’s numb to it by now. “Ah, this truly is my fault…”

“I hope it's not too cold, my dear…”