tobesomeoneelse152925

[tobesomeoneelse152925]

Someone else (1)

TW: SA, CSA ,and graphic themes

I have spent my entire life trying to disappear.

One day, the opportunity arose. I had cut my little sister out of my life, and just like that, the rest of my family disappeared, too. I did send my mother a bunch of text messages at work, saying that if they supported my little sister's 14-year age gap relationship, I wouldn’t have contact with anyone who supported her choices. 

Listen, I don’t have a problem with age gap relationships, but when your brain isn’t even fully developed, and old men are preying upon barely legal teenagers who are vulnerable.

I draw the line. I’m a victim of childhood sexual abuse; I know that my triggers are my problem. Watching my family support my sister being groomed and taken advantage of is so triggering that I didn’t know I would react in such a way. I think years of pent-up anger about my own abuse and feelings of helplessness just flooded back like a massive wave that consumed my body. 

I love my family; I would do anything for them. And I know they love me; I know they do, logically speaking, of course.  I also know they don’t like me. I think they tolerate me because they have to.

I know I’m hard to deal with: quick-changing emotions, unstable thoughts and behaviour patterns. Never-ending unknown triggers make me react before I can think logically.

I have a habit of taking my self-hatred out on myself often; I end up hurting more people than just myself. I’ve done a lot of hurtful things, and I’ve said a lot of nasty and vile things in the heat of the moment when my emotions were running high. And I’ll crash and burn just as quickly, often dissolving into a pit of depression and suicidal thought patterns.

Once I crash, my reckless behaviours begin. I numb myself out and crave into my skin just to try and feel anything other than guilt and shame. I’ll starve myself for days until I’m sick in the sake of being a loveable, more accepted size to society. You see, my self-worth has always been determined by my weight or how fuck able I am to men. 

It was ingrained into me young that people would not find me beautiful or worthy of love if I wasn’t a smaller size. I spent years thinking that nobody loved me because they didn’t violate me in the ways others had before.