todaysthinks

[todaysthinks]

(Lauren Vieira)

Design and Triumph. My favorite thing I’ve ever written. 

[todaysthinks]

A custom scenario I built that is difficult on the eyes, named Monstrosity Park. Probably understandable why. Send me your custom scenarios so I can play them on Twitch! @child0light

[todaysthinks]

White Runtz Strain pt. 2. (The TLDR)

The first-time user review of White Runtz from 3 weeks ago can be found

here

TL;DR

It is important to have an intention for this strain, and to not plan to go anywhere. If you are especially susceptible to paranoia, I'd *really* consider how bad you want the creative and motivated effects that come afterward. It's GREAT for thinking or tasks that require focus. To me, the benefits FAR outweigh the first 1/3 of the high.

The Sequence of Events

First thing, I get a head rush, and then again whenever I stand up, and then a dull headache/headiness (hard to decipher) for about two hours. Half the time I've had to pop an ibuprofen before bed.

I panic about having a panic attack, and as a result start thinking about all the terrible tragedy scenarios that could befall me and my family and *cause* a panic attack. I've reconciled that with this strain, good stuff comes after but I have to suffer through 30 minutes of this stuff first.

My body turns nummy from the chest outward and I remind myself I am definitely *not* having a heart attack.

Whoa! Suddenly I have to do something creative. My face is warm and tingly, eyelids heavy, gentle swaying back and forth but for some reason I switch to belly breathing instead of chest breathing and I thank myself for it later after I've been sitting for three hours.

I put on a youtube video and challenge myself to set up my keyboard, computer, guitar, pedals, computer, etc. before the video ends. I feel "play".

Two nights ago, I wrote a 4:40-minute song in about 3 hours, and it's *awesome*. Yesterday, I tidied up two separate songs, wrote a blog post, and spent a couple hours practicing different ways to use glitter. It's massively thinky. White Runtz is worth all the panic because of this part.

The Overall Wrap-up:

Try to do something that doesn't require a lot of moving. A concert would suck, sports would suck, walking a lot sucks. The head rushes happen when blood pressure is low. Possibly doing any of these would alleviate the headrush problem after some time, but I'm not willing to try it. (Like maybe stretching or some low-intensity movement would be nice with this strain?)

For music, I was pumped full of ideas, and more importantly, motivation to finish the project! I usually get stuck at 90% on everything I do, usually I have the rough draft recorded and I need to re-record the entire thing and send it to a collaborator or Soundcloud. But I never get around to that part. This strain leads me effortlessly to the final 10% and the "a-ha" moments. I go to bed proud, not sick of my song, and pleased with whatever weird-sounding shit I just came up with. That finishing off does WONDERS for my self-esteem and also creates another instance of owning whatever my strange brain just created and not caring a CENT whether or not people like it, it's gonna be released.

With art, It provokes experimentation. I had a moment yesterday where I tried out something super weird with a piece of work, LOVED it, said, "you know what? I'm just gonna wipe it and see what happens," LOVED IT... and then got overzealous and ruined it. But then! I did about 7 glitter experiments and I'm confident I'll find a way to cover up my shameful spot. It was a lesson in constraint. I don't have to have constraint with music because I can delete and re-record a hundred times if I want. But with art I gotta learn when to stop! Eventually I will edit this spot to include a hyperlink to Society6 when my picture is completed, scanned, tidied up.

It's a nice strain for gardening or pulling weeds, or doing gentle outside stuff. Playing with dogs is hysterical. My vision is normal, I sway back and forth a little bit, I breathe properly, sit up straight. My thinking is clear, I get more "into" whatever I'm doing, I have breakthroughs about insecurities, profound ideology shifts, or finding out-of-the-box solutions for problems.

Taking the opportunity to insert this bit of wisdom: I will never EVER drive high, and half the time won't be a passenger, either. I don't ever want to be in an emergency situation and not have total control of myself, so I use cannabis *only* after all my driving is done for the night. Some of you need to please chill out on that. People don't care on the road, more and more it seems, and your likelihood of having to use your reflexes are increasing daily because of -other people that may not be you- and you don't know what your motor skills and response time are like until you have to use them. Don't be high. If you've ever had a tiny voice in your mind that says, "Dude you know you don't need to be high to drive home," heed it.

This being said, being a passenger is kind of freaky if a person overdoes it on the WR. You gotta just be glad someone else is driving because you would NOT have seen that car if you were the driver right now. But if you're with someone you trust, enjoy your pretty surroundings and take a good look at them!! You'll notice new details and feel a fresh sense of excitement about your cool city.

After about two hours, I pass the heck out. So I have to time it right. I can't watch baseball or anything low-movement because I'll fall asleep, and I can't be in the heat gardening for too long because... I'll fall asleep. If I have steady focus, like an art project, outside thing, playing with pets, or a blog idea, I'll procrastinate taking a nap and get a second wind when it wears off.

Controversial thought for moms and dads, but I would use this if I were still in college doing homework. I'm currently writing all of this under its influence. However, it might make a difference to me whether or not I like the material. It's a strain that can coax you into getting "sucked in" but you have to care about it. If you don't care about it, you'll get distracted often. I would NOT use it in public. This needs to be after you worked on something all day, took a break for dinner and decompressing, and need to nail the final stretch of your thing for the night. You've got about 2 hours of deep focus until a "spread" creeps across your face and makes your eyelids heavy.

I also credit this strain with the a-ha moment that made me realize I should write this kind of content and create art with it, and perhaps growers or dispensaries would pay me for an in-depth break-down, videos, and custom artsy stuff.

[todaysthinks]

These leggings turned out sick. My first and only design so far but I'm very very proud to see my art on a physical thing out in the world! Shipment coming aaaaany day if the dang tracking ID would update. I've gotten leggings from Society6 before that felt and looked great so I'll update with real life pictures when they arrive.

For the rest of the products I have this design available on, here is the link:

https://society6.com/laurenvieira64951caca0640

[todaysthinks]

White Runtz strain -- review and panic advice

Smoke time: 11:01PM.

I just got this strain yesterday. One of its parents I'm sensitive to, Gelato, because it's a very thinky strain but it takes some serious focus to stay committed to my intentions and not stray to the "bad place" (aka paranoia). However, Zkittlez I really really really like. It' has sort of a "spazzy little brother" character.

Yesterday after my first smoke, my boyfriend and I were "blah blah blah blah blah happy happy." We went outside and pulled weeds and inspected our flowers and the garden and listened to the Mets game. This strain has a nice ability to get you "sucked in" but doesn't cloud your thoughts with junk or distract you.

Two things happen that I don't like. First, I sway. It's the opposite of diesels/hazes. When I'm squatting for long periods of time to do gardening work, I get a massive headrush when I stand up. I usually have to bend over and hang for 20 seconds while my body goes weightless and my vision disappears and comes back. From what I understand this universal phenomenon is the result of low blood pressure. I don't know if the weed exacerbates already-low blood pressure or causes low blood pressure itself, but it's also worth noting that playing soccer with the dog was fun and didn't wind me or give me head rushes. So, beware the head rushes when you're stationary or squatting and then stand up.

It is really lovely for social time. Like I said earlier, everyone gets the blah blah blah's and giggles a lot. It's great for sitting on the couch and engaging with something. It is not making typing difficult in any way except my back hurts and my muscles are doing mini-spasms. Prickles.

It is very easy to let your mind dip into darker places if left unengaged. But! It's extremely easy to reroute where it's going and rope it into a task or project. I have not tried to be creative on this strain yet, but for sure will tomorrow. Tomorrow also, I'm heading to a concert and will update more then.

One thing that's just happened is a good spook. I heard some clanging sounds and so did the dog. I think it was just Southpark since it was a noisy goofy episode, but it really shot some hormones into my body that didn't feel good and got my heart pumping in the bad way. Shakes dissipate about two minutes after you logic your way out of being legitimately panicked.

Time of completion: 12:23. Will update after creative time!

[todaysthinks]

Bad place lessons, and the fear that achieving self-awareness is what signals to the universe that it's time for a person to die

Start time: 1:36a.

In this blog I talk about all sorts of dark stuff- death, drugs… mostly those. Reader beware.

The title of this journal entry is dark but it reverberates. When I allow myself to sit with the bad place and let the spider web of imagined crises play all the way out, I get to the end, which generally is a lesson I need to commit to practice. Even though the crisis spider webs sprout all sorts of alarming content, the insecurity always comes to the surface during the instances where I don’t try to yank myself out of it. The ultimate nugget of fear that’s running the show stems from a good old fashioned fear of not being able to control the manner of my death.

To sum up the next few paragraphs for all the dads in my life reading this, I begrudgingly recognize the lesson: Either I can be scared, or I can be prepared. Yeah. That’s the first half of what this title will circle back to.

I used to add on, “and let go of the things you can’t control,” but I’ve dropped that segment because it seems built-in. I am clever, and I hope that in a situation where I needed to think fast and craft a solution from whatever resources are around me, I would have more of a chance than I give myself credit for. Maybe an unavoidable tragedy will still happen, but maybe I up my chances of survival if I can think quickly and be resourceful under pressure.

If I had it my way, I wouldn’t see my death coming and it would be instantaneous, probably the same as everyone else. I dread the hormones that will pump through me when it is my time, and I have the “Oh my god, this is it,” deer-in-headlights moment. Like if I’m driving, late night, doing everything right, and suddenly a car is coming at me head-on. I have a recurring bad place penultimate scenario that I always end up going to- that I’m driving hurriedly at night while it’s raining. I’m rushing away from something. And suddenly a car comes plowing out of a neighborhood block and smashes right into my driver side. I experience “the moment” and the synesthesia lightning bolt of being startled that I dread so much. This could totally happen and I admit, I get spooked driving in the rain because it feels premonition…ish? I don’t know the adverb for that.

Anyway what’s interesting is, one, that I can’t tell if the car had a stop sign. And two, I get this feeling in my head that I am fucked up somehow. Like, I’m smoking, drinking, or something else, and I experience a home invasion, and decide to drive away from the property to get away from the area. Or, maybe someone I love experiences an emergency and needs a rescue. Good intentions. I get into my car and decide to drive. I know that I shouldn’t because of my intoxication state, but it’s an emergency. Maybe I’m the one that passes a stop sign. All I see is that it’s raining, and suddenly there are a pair of head lights that T-bone me from my left at a high speed.

Thankfully, I can logic my way out of this thinking- before this rainy driving scenario, there have been two other scenarios that I’ve fixated on long-term and each time, was convinced that was the method that I was going to die, and it’s going to happen soon. So I’d better start preparing. I therefore deem the rainy car wreck scenario MANUFACTURED and not to be taken as premonition or truth.

Second thing I take it to mean is, Lauren, if you’re cozy at home thinking all is well and you experience an emergency, do you really want to be fucked up when it happens? Probably no I don’t. It’s so strange how every time I’m sober, I can’t wait for the next time I smoke weed. And then when I smoke, I wish I hadn’t smoked weed and could just switch my mood off and on sober instead of rely on substances to help me feel something different or break me out of a funk. Different blog for some day.

Finally, the third thing I get from these fantasies is, if I experience an emergency no matter if I’m sober or partying, do I feel equipped with the skills to stand a fighting chance? Will I keep my cool or will I freeze? Am I strong and flexible, and do I have endurance, if my adversary is a human? Do I know where to hide if my apartment gets hit by a tornado? Can I recognize the signs of a tsunami and make people pay attention to me if I spot them? Sadly the answer to all of these is no, and it’s a wake-up call. It’s a wake-up call every time I have this discussion with myself (and whenever I allow my thought spider web to progress all the way through the bad place) but the thing about vices, is that the lessons dissipate if we don’t enact them immediately.

So loud note to self, because I know I am impulsive, resist the urge to make exceptions for safety while doing something that could make you a hazard, even for emergencies. And perhaps if I want to try mind-altering substances, I need “being responsible” to include preparations like, knowing by heart what I need to do for common emergencies. Making sure I have someone sober around me so I can enjoy myself. And having a variety of hobbies scattered around to redirect my attention when I feel the cyclical thought pattern starting to suck the happies out of me and defeat whatever my intention was for partying in the first place.

And then, PREPARE. I need to be strong and I need to be flexible. And also, I need to be relaxed in the face of stress. The third one I haven’t had a chance recently to test, but when I got T-boned November ‘22, it was very hard for me to think in the subsequent moments after it happened. Actually not true, it was hard for me to be bothered to spend my energy having a conversation with EMS dispatch. I thought to myself, “I just need a second, the emergency thing that my car just called on my behalf will understand if I’m silent for just a second.” Thank god D totally took charge communicating even though HIS side of the car was hit. He showed real leadership that night while all I felt was a mix of being able to comprehend what was happening, but not being able to words and shaking too much to perform any motor functions. Another different blog for some day.

I need to be physically strong. There’s got to be a sport that’s perfect for me. I need something where I dart around, something where I’m on a team, something that requires hand/eye coordination, and something that requires body strength and flexibility. But NOT something that will dirty up my hands…. (gyms and rock climbing, etc. Two sports I used to love when I was less neurotic). This is the criteria for my perfect sport, avoiding neuroses that will make me not want to work hard, and harnessing the types of moves that I crave doing.

Take a breather! Almost done.

So how does all of this tie into the title?

Well, that’s where self-obsession to the point of borderline-narcissism comes in and it feels a little gross to talk about because if I were an outsider, it would come off a certain way. The last few months, I finally feel like my negative tendencies are sloughing off. I’m listening better, I’m devoted to things, I have direction, I can be myself with anyone, and my fervor for building has returned.

As a result, I’ve been blowing up creatively. Tapping into what I create when I get totally lost in something. For once, FINALLY, not caring how good or bad it is. Not caring if it’s perfect and tidy and curated. With music, I love imperfection and hiccups. And with art, I love “mistakes”. It feels nice to just advocate for that. To not feel like I have to play something 100 times until it’s recorded perfectly cleanly because that’s what everyone else does and what is expected. To not feel like I have to be able to draw objects that already exist, and that it’s okay to be weird with art and to do it because I’m a toddler that likes to color.

As a result of feeling like I’m finally buildling again, up to things in the world, it feels as though my demeanor has changed and that if I really wanted to, I could probably make an enormous difference on the world, either by writing music that moves me, creating art that is unique and special, or writing words that resonate with people. Here I am, about 3 weeks into the whole “making a living doing art” endeavor, and I’m already thinking about how cool of a Christmas present it would be to be able to present my dad some award or contract that means to both of us that I’ve officially “made it” with music. It’s hard to do that without selling out or running into 4th album syndrome. (4th album syndrome: When a band gets privy to their most beloved elements and start chopping out the excess when they write. It really could go either way. The best album yet, or more commonly, a streamlined, curated sound devoid of quirks and space… /rant).

But, what if, now that I can clearly visualize the future that I want, with my ultimate end goal being to help people realize that it’s okay to look inward and as a result, prevent human tragedies and violence, my own life tragically gets cut short by a tragedy or I experience crippling violence before I say the key things that I’d need to say in order to make a major impact on humanity? What if I die before I discover those? What if I have to die for the people that need my brand of relatedness to finally discover my words? What a tragedy that would be.

And that’s why it feels arrogant and narcissistic to think like this. Like I’m THAT important. What hubris. That’s how I think it sounds from the outside, at least. But ultimately, the fear is about not realizing my maximum impact on the world when I finally, after a three-decade wait, feel that I’m on the best path to do so. This is where I get stuck. This is the cause of the bad place, and the cause of my procrastination. If I achieve success sooner, will the universe take me sooner? Hail science and all but sometimes I wish the logic of randomness and coincidence stuck with me through my illogical breakdowns.

So anyway, I’m proud of my progress self-actualizing. It’s not that I want to be famous- in fact, the opposite. I was thinking of making this blog anonymous. And it’s not that I think I have power that other people don’t have- because I’m just journalizing and squeaking out imperfect art. I’m just scared that if I dream too big, my life will be cut short. Or that, because I waited too long to take action in my 20s and early 30s, I made WAY less of an impact before my fated death at age whatever. If I burn too brightly, I will attract an “only the good die young” situation. I question maybe I should always be just a little bit of a prick to ward off the “only the good die young” spirits that work for Murphy and his Law. But also, you know, maybe I’m not that great of a person as I think I am either, and I have no right to question whether the universe has sentience, makes decisions, and would be out to get me once I’ve just started to to get a taste of my “full potential”.

Stuff to think about.

Do other people deal with this? I have to stop writing for today. Time of end, 3:38a.

Source, my official blog: www.todaysthinks.com/blog

[todaysthinks]

Wedding Cake strain -- stream of consciousness review and panic advice

Start time of this writing: 10:24 PM

First thoughts about wedding cake having taken my last hit about 18 minutes ago: my head is heavy, I can't find the words I need, but I feel compelled to write. I started writing something completely different and just deleted it all because I couldn't find the right words. I just wanted to make sure it came out sounding not-curated at all.

About 20 minutes in, my head isn't heavy any more, and as I look at the screen my peripherals turn mushy. For the last few moments my heart felt like it was racing and I had to take a quick break to check. It wasn't- the effects of this high

-- 10:37: a firework just went off VERY close to the house. Holy hell that made me JUMP! I guess this strain is a jumpy strain because I felt the pop inside my gut. The house is quiet and I'm in the zone, and even though I'm not -fearful- I'm still shaking from the adrenaline. I'll have to be mindful of that.

What I was going to say is, there is a "gassy feeling, if having gas felt like an insides massage" kind of effect that spreads through the middle of your head first and then right after you start to feel it there, you'll feel it in your solar plexus area. Then it spreads upward through your chest and connects to the spread that started in your head. They've about connected and it's getting harder to type. I'm aware of the awkward angle of my wrists right now and sitting up stiff and straight is surprisingly easy.

If my nose is correct I mostly smell citrus and gasoline and a stinky nose tickle. *checking* "Rich and tangy with undertones of earthy pepper," says Leafly. Close enough? I get lots of caryophyllene and probably limonene. I'm not sure where the sedative effect comes from- there's something that smells familiar but that I can't identify. It's allergy season and nonstop storms, so I'll blame it on the stuffiness today.

-- 10:46 more fireworks, and some very angry little birdies outside all squealing about it, lol!

It is hard to get up but I need to. This feels like a strain that will give me the low blood pressure drowsy as soon as I stand up. Where your vision fades and you get heavy for ten seconds? Low pressure strain. I'll have to watch out for it too if that is indeed what this is.

At this point, my body feels.... tight. How else can I explain this? like a balloon exactly my size but 1 square mm of surface area more being inflated inside my body. It fits snug and feels comfy. I can't tell *where* the high lies... in my muscles? I for sure feel it marinating in my back muscles. Normally if I sit too long, one of my deep core guys starts to spasm and it makes me jolt. But that isn't happening right now! (I'll come back and update this if at some point I fall asleep with some still in my system.)

My guy is waking up from a nap and I'm telling him about what I'm up to. I am word dumb. It is extremely hard to put sentences together. I don't recommend it as a social strain unless you're cool with feeling a little awkward. This is definitely a "get your brain latched onto something" strain. I'd love it at a concert (during the concert part only, not the in-between chit chat time). I have yet to see how it will affect art. Update: 11:21, oneish hour after starting this post, words are coming back in small doses!

This strain *thankfully* doesn't bring me to a place of deep ponderings. I say thankfully because I meant to smoke *way* earlier and if it's too dark or eerie outside my mind starts freaking me out. None of that. I feel mostly being present-ness and not a strong need to talk. I'm also thankful that it doesn't make me deep think because I am extremely enjoying the body and ease-of-digital-expression effects, and if it was a strain that makes me susceptible to going to the dark place then it will go on a !huge! list of strains that feel nice/give me creative visions, but also make me go to the bad place. So, this is a nice change.

I'm not really thinking about anything in particular at all. This will be very helpful for sleep time, but it's getting reeeally heady. Which means if it's still in me during sleep time, my head will feel painful pressure and I won't be able to sleep. Will update tomorrow.

Things I will try next time: seeing how playing keyboard and music writing goes. I feel very...... stable. :) And craving tater tots.

If you are on the verge of a panic attack smoking this strain and need a sitter: Try to get yourself to a place where there's a constant, predictable, maybe low-mid volume sound going on around you. The sparkly sensation you feel in your face and ears is supposed to happen! Realize that this isn't a strain that will take you to dark places without some help from yourself. So, all you have to do is get distracted by doing something with your hands, not something that you have to think about too much. Just something you can get sucked into. You might be a little word-dumb so try to keep it brief and don't get sucked into any "I'd like you to meet someone"s. It has been about an hour and 25 minutes and the effects are starting to chill out.

End time: 11:26 PM

[todaysthinks]

Trauma cycles and synesthesia-driven neuroses

I need a writing outlet desperately for my own self-discipline and brain documentation. Writing down my stream of consciousness is the only way I'm going to be able to measure my improvements over time. I'm going to try out this tipping feature, in case something I write now or in the future resonates deeply enough with a person that they feel compelled to throw me a dollar or two out of appreciation for crafting it into something they can read.

Today marks about 4 days since I last allowed my thoughts to go to "the bad place". My trips to the bad place begin with a trigger. Maybe it's a tragic news story that I'm captioning, or a sound that spooked me, or an event that happens on a TV show I'm watching. I start fantasizing about the overwhelm that I would experience if that deadly scenario happened to my family members. I picture each of them separately dying that way and weigh which death would be the most… I suppose, tragic or ironic or whatever the negative equivalent of "serendipitous" is, out of all four of my immediates. I think about the hormones that will be pumped into my veins when I receive "the call". I put myself in their position at the imagined moment of their death and feel what it would feel like to have my body terminated in whatever horrific way I've just latched onto.

And then I wonder, what if it's actually me that's going to die soon and the universe is just giving me signals to let me know? I panic that the recurring "visions" that I create and relive are premonitions. I picture what it will be like to be driving in a car, at night, in the rain, (possibly speeding to escape a home invasion) and seeing a car coming at my driver's side full speed. I let myself feel the impact. Note to self, it's been about 4 years that I've been doing this every night and so far no crushing tragedies have come to fruition.

Could ultimately ending with this "maybe it's going to be me" conclusion be caused by years of compounding car trauma? It seems so specific. I can't remember why I started thinking about that particular scenario months ago, either. What I DO know is that I've crafted a couple of these recurring scenarios over time, and each time, convinced myself that "that was the way it was going to happen" because I keep coming back to it all the time, over and over.

Last week it looked like this. I noticed how eerily quiet the neighborhood was and imagined a bomb going off somewhere, pumping my body full of the uncomfortable being-startled hormones that I hate and avoid at all costs. I thought about how maybe eventually one day I could be the victim of an explosion. I continue to wait to hear an explosion in the silence. Murphy's Law is just waiting around the corner.. Any second. My heart pounds. Then I think, "If this were supposed to happen at a symbolic moment, it would've happened already. But the minute I let my guard down is when the explosion is FOR SURE going to happen so I'd better stay alert.

It feels so scary to be alive in this fragile body knowing it can be easily splattered by something out of my control. What feels worse, though, is the feeling of being startled. Synesthesia causes the feelings of being startled to occur like a bright, painful lightning bolt that shoots through my body and blinds me momentarily. To explain, synesthesia is a miswiring between my sensory body parts (vision, sight, taste, etc.) and the way they occur to my brain (sound is visual in my peripherals, color schemes "taste" like things or create sensations, amongst other things).

Anyway, I remember that I come to this conclusion all the time, how the sensitivity to being startled is what I fixate on, not what comes after or what life will be like when I lose my loved ones. For comparison, thinking about a long-term death, like a sickness, is not something I fixate on even though it's perfectly likely. And likewise, if there's already a steady stream of sound happening around me, it is hard to startle me even if I hear something weird. I have to make clear for myself in writing over and over again that my sensitivity to being startled is the part that freaks me the heck out. I can't make this distinction enough.

To go even deeper, I've realized the reason why I fixate on my family members dying before we're all "ready" comes from feeling that through my 20s, I absorbed myself in the touring band life and all of my vices for the wrong reasons. I spent all of my free time away from my family, rarely visited my childhood home where my parents and brothers still lived, and went straight to the bar for a semblance of social time when I was done working at late o'clock for most days of my legal drinking life. I missed out on all the amazing things my family were up to while I was living like a low-budget rock star. I don't think there will ever be enough time to feel like I have made up for the time that I missed.

The reconnection and closeness from my family the last 2ish years has been rejuvenating, but it's clear to me that my parents are getting older, my cats are slowing down, my once-close pals have mostly dropped off, and the reasons I attached myself to people from teenaged years to 28ish were probably more disingenuous than not.

The life I want is clear now- one that allows me to soak up as much time with my favorite people/creatures as possible and for those times to be overwhelmingly visceral and happy, and free of any more pre-grief. Four days down.