tpk0zera

[tpk0zera]

[tpk0zera]

We move from the old house to the new house but bring along all the old possessions we have accumulated throughout the years much in the same way that we move through time followed by a moving truck crammed full of boxes of embarrassing emotional clutter which composes the story of our life and much like real-life moving no matter how many boxes I seem to unpack, there's always more, always more.....

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Is is too much to ask to have my birthday to myself. I had a whole day planned of things I wanted to do for myself by myself alone. Why do people assume I need company and why do they think it would be a good idea to plan things out themselves and inform me at this very stressful week that I'm going through. Looking forward to when it's over on my very birthday and have a great day of relaxation and now they've made me dread it and made it harder to get things over with.

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The single biggest step I have taken to manifest peace in my life is to not take things personally. That is, the actions of the other often have more to do with them than you

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It's kind of funny and this world really has some twisted sense of humour sometimes. I was upset about someone saying something behind my back and the moment I decided I am going to leave this toxicity behind, these people suddenly need me. Somehow I was somewhat unwanted before and the moment I decide to shut my heart to these people without any confrontation ofcourse ( because if they don't have the guts to say things to my face, I don't have time to give them from my life) there is suddenly a task in their faces that requires me and I don't understand if this is the universe being supportive of me and telling me I'm very needed even if the people who have me don't realise or the universe is on their side stopping them from making the mistake of letting me go? But I guess Karma is real😂

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Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

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People can be so utterly selfish, uncaring and hurtful with their words behind your back and yet put on a sweet front and show affection. How do they do this and how can I ever trust them again with anything? People like that make me feel so right about this unspoken decision I've made to never ever trust a human because they are the creatures most capable of being inhumane. I'll trust a lion more to not kill me in my sleep then trust these people to ever respect someone else's emotions, values, likes, dislikes and just overall being. But I also know better than to let this hurt ever turn me into a hostile individual. I've always been warm and caring and that's how I'll be. I have so much to give and if these people just have to be like this, it is on them to not be able to receive. I don't know if it's because they are insecure, jealous or just petty to go behind someone's back and saying things but I am not someone to forget the hurt I felt. I'll forgive and move on but this is how I am going to remember you as. *As someone who hurt me* .

[tpk0zera]

We move from the old house to the new house but bring along all the old possessions we have accumulated throughout the years much in the same way that we move through time followed by a moving truck crammed full of boxes of embarrassing emotional clutter which composes the story of our life and much like real-life moving no matter how many boxes I seem to unpack, there's always more, always more.....

[tpk0zera]

Pain lasts longer than happiness. You can feel happy about something and yet when you recall that moment in the future, it's never the same intensity. But pain.... pain comes crashing with the same intensity if you let it. So embrace the happy moments and live them to the fullest because they are fleeting, ephemeral and temporary. Smile all you can because crying does not need much of an effort when tears break free and hurt spills out, carrying pain from years ago.

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Wondering if its meaningless to wish on dandelions. Its a weed afterall. Useless.... But dandelions are hard to kill. You'll uproot them now and they'll keep coming back and back and back yet again. They're stubborn and they're adamant and they're hard to kill and that's how they survive.

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People can be so utterly selfish, uncaring and hurtful with their words behind your back and yet put on a sweet front and show affection. How do they do this and how can I ever trust them again with anything? People like that make me feel so right about this unspoken decision I've made to never ever trust a human because they are the creatures most capable of being inhumane. I'll trust a lion more to not kill me in my sleep then trust these people to ever respect someone else's emotions, values, likes, dislikes and just overall being. But I also know better than to let this hurt ever turn me into a hostile individual. I've always been warm and caring and that's how I'll be. I have so much to give and if these people just have to be like this, it is on them to not be able to receive. I don't know if it's because they are insecure, jealous or just petty to go behind someone's back and saying things but I am not someone to forget the hurt I felt. I'll forgive and move on but this is how I am going to remember you as. *As someone who hurt me* .