tragedy--enjoyer - Tumblr blog

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the moment I realized I officially was a burnt out gifted kid was when I had to retake a subject from my first year of uni and when I entered the class, one of my classmates (who was retaking the class too) looked surprised when he saw me and said "but I thought you were one of the smart ones" and I almost wanted to cry at the implications of what I've become

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i'll listen to mitski. as a little treat

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wdym may 2024 is one week away. what's next? June 2024???

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a tumblerina you honor

but your honor she’s just a tumblr girl

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self isolating to cope is great until you look up one day and years have passed and you realise no one knew you when you were 18 or 19 or 20 or 21 and now they never will

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It's just "el aire" in spanish

Can't let British people have air conditioning because first they'd call it something twee like "the climate fixer" and then in 20 years they'll call it "the climb" or "the climmy"

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the only good thing about being an engineering student is that no one is lying to your face by telling you college is the best years of your life

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I had this feeling suddenly. I get this feeling a lot, but I don’t know if there’s one word for it. It’s not nervous or sad or even lonely. It’s all of that, and then a bit more. The feeling is I don’t belong here. I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know how long I can stay before everyone else realizes that I am an impostor. I am a fraud. I’ve gotten this feeling nearly everywhere I have ever been in my life. There’s nothing you can do about it except drink some water and hope that it subsides. Or you can leave.

I’m lonely. What kind of loneliness? Every kind. I feel disconnected. Abandoned. As always. Repetition. So what, my love? So what? At first, I just wanted to run away. Now I have no where else to run to, nothing to run from. I don’t belong anywhere, I don’t want to go anywhere, I just want to be happy.

(1) Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001 (2) Leila Sales, This Song Will Save Your Life (3) Daniela Fischerová, Fingers Pointing Somewhere Else (4) Wisława Szymborska, tr. by Clare Cavanagh and Stanisław Barańczak, from “The Railroad Station”, Map: Collected and Last Poems (5) Daul Kim (6) Sarah Kay, from “The Paradox”, No Matter the Wreckage

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"I literally can go on a walk whenever I want???"

childhood trauma has you thinking shit as an adult like "it's so cool I can eat food right now"

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On becoming someone else

i. War of the Foxes, Richard Siken / ii., v., viii., xi. Leisure, Hannah, Does Not Agree with You, Hannah Gamble / iii. unknown / iv. Mimmo Paladino / vi. Book 20e, In between here and there, Beata Wehr / vii. unknown / ix. unknown / x. @heartlessqueen

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nothing more tragic than doing sleepovers with your cousins but it just doesn't feel like the ones you did when you were younger

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On Being an Eldest Daughter

Surface Pressure, Encanto // Mother, Florence + The Machine // Class of 2013, Mitski // Breathe, In the Heights // Mama Who Bore Me, Spring Awakening // @queeerpride​ // Mirrorball, Taylor Swift // Mommy Issues: Unlearning Inherited Pain, Joan Tierney

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I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I am a sponge that absorbs all the trauma of the household. Life is spilt milk and I am a kitchen cloth burnt at the edges. I am falling apart at the corners, threads coming away, rips and ripples like I am torn and trembling in an ocean of nothingness. I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I emphasize with everyone. The love of my life marries someone else, and I find myself hoping that he loves her the same. My brother wishes death upon me and I toss and turn in my sleep over the tears I saw in his eyes. Life is an accidental fire and I am water. I attempt to stop a tragedy I did not start, to go blindly into a catastrophe that I cannot halt. I am the eldest daughter, which is to say that I am silent in my needs. My father asks me what I'd like to eat and I say that I am not hungry. I will chew on my guilt and swallow my pride before I even think of asking for anything. I buy myself a sweet and nothing tastes as bitter as it. Life is a metaphor for debt and I am drowning in the desire to be as insignificant as possible. I demand nothing and nothing demands me.

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Peace be upon the daughter who helped her parents grow up. Accepted their cold shoulder, excused their anger, pardoned their mistakes, taught them how to be human. Peace be upon the sister who paid the price of rebellion. Screaming to her fullest, shaking like a leaf but standing tall, never letting the dictatorship go without a fight, paving the path for her siblings to breathe easier. Peace be upon the first child of an immigrant father. Aching to find their own purpose in life, firm in their own beliefs, contradicting generations and generations of cultural values. Peace be upon the girl who shouldered her mother's trauma. Swindled it into her own, morphed herself into an image of the womb she once resided in, immersed herself into troubles that weren't even hers, covered up scars that she couldn't even recognize. Peace be upon the woman who forgot who she was. So determined to be the savior of everyone, to fix her family, to nurture and love everyone around her. So deeply lost that she forgot she's just as worthy of love. Peace be upon you.

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I want time to move fast because I'm impatient and I want better days to come but at the same time I want time to slow down because I'll never be this age again and I'll regret it later, hope this helps

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I knew I couldn't beat generational trauma when I had to help my little siblings with their homework