traintracks-for-wrists - Tumblr blog

[traintracks-for-wrists]

Me: My emotions haven’t been too wild lately. Overall it’s be good. Maybe I don’t have BPD.

*suddenly experiences intense anxiety just because a show ended then I’m fine but 2 hours later I get severely angry at my father for just talking to me*

Me: huh

[traintracks-for-wrists]

i love having bpd! i love the way it just *clenches fists* makes me think that the people closest to me hate me even when there’s no evidence that they do

[traintracks-for-wrists]

Everyone destroys me and it is not their fault.

It is mine because I am weak and mentally ill.

Read that again, because it's what my abusers have been telling me all my life.

It is not their fault, it's how I take it.

I wish I could be normal so it wouldnt hurt?

[traintracks-for-wrists]

[traintracks-for-wrists]

[traintracks-for-wrists]

i hate myself more than i hate cottage cheese and that’s saying a lot

[traintracks-for-wrists]

the education system

(these are my poems, my dms and ask are always open to anyone)

[traintracks-for-wrists]

“I can’t go to bed. Not until I’m exhausted. I can’t risk lying in the dark and having time to think, and regret, and feel, and think some more.”

—

[traintracks-for-wrists]

Your wellbeing and safety is so important.

[traintracks-for-wrists]

[traintracks-for-wrists]

[traintracks-for-wrists]

When I out-silence my therapist:

[traintracks-for-wrists]

My therapist:

Me: 

[traintracks-for-wrists]

I wrote this post 2 years ago... I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I can’t believe how far I still have to go...

So you’re feeling suicidal…

I’m not going to sugar coat it; it happens, especially for those of us suffering from BPD, Depression, and other mood and anxiety disorders.

And sometimes, it’s really fucking scary

So here’s my unsolicited advice to you; take it or leave it

*Personally, when I get really suicidal, like the “shit the rope is around my neck” or “the pills are in my hand just fucking take them” the last thing on my mind is “how can I save myself”, so…

Step 1: fight the urge. Survive the near attempt. Find a fucking ounce of hope that convinces you to live

*this can be anything, ie: because I love fuzzy sweaters, or because there is so much art I haven’t done

Step 2: ok, so you survived the near attempt, or very scary serious thoughts. Chances are, you’re still feeling pretty agitated, depressed, suicidal, or an impossibly infinite number of emotions. For me, the next step is to focus on something other than myself

*I use an app called “Calm Harm”. It is intended for self harm, but works equally as well for suicidal urges. It gives you suggestions and different tools to help pass the urge to self-destruct. Some are distractors, expressive outlets, or meditative techniques.

Step 2.5: if the urge does not pass, remove yourself from the unsafe environment. I cannot stress the importance or genuine effectiveness of this tool. Go to the library. Take a walk. Do what you have to do.

Step 3: When I manage to ride the wave, pass the urge, I am almost always left feeling numb, emotionless, and terrified of my own mind-more often than not, this makes me want to self harm.

If you are left feeling like you want to self harm, return to step 2: ride the wave, wait for the urge to pass.

If you do self harm- don’t beat yourself up about it. It happens, and usually it’s not the end of the world. However, if you do self harm, please take care of yourself afterwords

Step 4: if you’re feeling like you are able to, or if the option is feasible, remove the dangerous objects from your room; ie. pills, ropes, knives, razor blades, etc.

This can be a difficult step to take. Push yourself to take it, but make sure you take baby steps. Removing all coping mechanisms (such as cutting) can make things worse in the long run. So take it slow. Start with putting your pills in the bathroom so that they aren’t there to temp you, or moving the ropes to the garage. You’ll get there, but give yourself time.

Step 5: Self Care. Whether that is cleaning the wounds, making some tea, curling up with a good book or taking a nap, self care is key. You made it. You can do this. This is not the end of your story.

Being suicidal is no easy feat, and each and every time you get through that battle, you are one step closer to winning this war.

I’m proud of you for making it through those feelings and this post.

You are strong.

You are important.

You have an amazing future.

You just have to do is survive long to find it 🖤

[traintracks-for-wrists]

Me planning a deep, insightful speech for my next therapy session about everything that’s been going on and how I feel:

Me in the session:

[traintracks-for-wrists]

the first time I tried to die / © han hyland

[traintracks-for-wrists]

I haven’t gotten out of bed in 5 days.