turgidonus

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A cold toilet seat is unpleasant, but a warm one is worse.

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As a child I pretended to like carrots for my parents. As an adult I pretend to like them for my child. I fucking hate carrots.

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Go back 2 clicks

If you want to clean something, clean something. Just make sure you’re cleaning only what’s yours. Sometimes that which you perceive to be a mess or dirty or whatever it is you think you see it may be a community project as no one mind could be capable a conjuring of such magnitude as even the gods are brought to their knees. Turn your head, left slant it slightly to the right about 5°, close both eyes, cover both eyes with your hands, now open your left eye, and repeatedly blink your right eye. What do you see now? What? No, that’s all wrong! Sounds like you’re heads at 7°, click back two and you be money. You got? Okay, cool. So now how who’s feeling like a Silly Billy Dumb Dumb Head? I bet it is you!

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Lil Weiner makes not a lick of sense when he raps but after listening to this interview I understand. Words confuse him. He just puts a few words together, that even as he seems to be legitimately trying to be understood, he’s never figured it out enough to refrain from blubbering shear chaos. At least he’s got the concept of cadence down cus even though he’s quite the Silly Billy Neely, at least he’s catchy enough that sanity is no longer a relevant topic in reference to the never ending night terror that brought us the letter "Y", the number "3" and most importantly you may know him as the Grand Wrinkle of Tinkle that opened for our daddy dearest at SWXW in 2019, or possibly by one of these more familiar monikers, Oh So Musty Beanie Weine, the Herpe Slurpee, the one and only train conductor of the south Lil Wanus!

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I'm to blame for all the shoot outs going down on every street corner. All I was trying to do was top my Bic of at the had pumps but my funnel was way too big. That's when I say Jesse, he had no shoes on, but does he even own a pair. Anyhow, in dire need of a smoke, my mental edge was rapidly beginning to dull. The need to act fast was upon us and the fact that you were locked in an intense multi-day thumb war tournament against yourself, left me with little choice. Finally I could see the light of my only chance of regaining any sense of normalcy and that light, well at that time looked a little bit like Jesse. I sudden felt as though my body had been hijacked, by it's own desire to thrive amongst the the hundreds of the glue paste company's janitorial prisoners. The sounds of the tortured Turks on 2nd Street were no longer heard, for a new pain was now washing over our bland paint jobs and jolly ranchers. The kinda pain that fans is foul morning breath out drowning the masses in its suffocating cloud of neglect. How could you possibly be that lost? The pain is so obvious! Your buddy is that which acosts every fiber of my Saturn eggplant.

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The connection is better counter-clockwise

Twiddling my thumbs sitting next to a rhino. At the time it seemed the best thing to do. How is one to carry out any sort of normalcy in the midst of an ordeal so outlandishly queer? What should a king do as he loves going insane? I guess Russian roulette only played as a round stick. Only the worries of the plighted None of which seem to concern you. Keep your food, your dollars and smiles. I see that they're leaning, which speaks only of sins Of which I want none.

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Key me in the back while you're practicing for you River dance recital. #NowPlaying Fauxhammer by Black Tongue

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Quite the fanciful audio waves in this ditty!#NowPlaying FVNERAL MOON by Lorna Shore

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Chair Sores For The Holidays

It’s kind of weird to find a room this clean in a house that’s completely covered with baby powder in and on everywhere and everything else. A couple things that came to mind, one of which must certainly be why we stand before such wreckage wondering if we’ve now got that eboli in our butts. I dang well hope that my tail end is still virgin! First possible reason for this all is that while we were gone for coffee the building across the breeze way was converted into a daycare. However in their haste, someone forgot to check and tighten the bolts on one of the cribs, leading to the toddler escape. While on the run, little Bobby baby head thought of a rather fun idea. So he waits till we’re heading out to get coffee and he slips in brute the door can shut behind us. This is when he puts out a few bottles of baby powder and a hair dryer. He then commences to poof our whole house except my room. Second and much much more unlikely to have actually happened, is that as we are leaving I accidentally knocked over that car there causing a baby powder nuke to detonate. But before it reaches my room I as able to shut my door. I’m leaning pretty heavily towards the the first one be this the gets solved. After amending by story a time or four, to bet convince everyone of my innocence, I was able to excuse myself to prep for my midnight romance back in my quarters. Kleenex, check. Silky Smooth Utter Lover lotion, check. Time to get romantic on myself!

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It is hard to imagine a more stupid or dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.

Thomas Sowell (via swallowtheredpill)

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Brick, I'll be the 3rd to admit that doing the dook at work is never quite as fulfilling as it should be. I know I done said it a time or 26, but by the gee whizzing golly that might stink if you're down wind, I will save all dooks from hence forth for the holy sanctity that is my master bathroom's dump stump. Thanks for tuning in for another edition of Dada's Ditty of the Day. Can we all agree that 24 hours is torturous when you can't jam? So instead of sharing that shameful saga, lets jump right into the show! First up we got a true Reading Rainbow classic. Drop the needle and burn a beetle!

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Five o'clock is comin’…

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Don’t have anymore batteries for band-aids and I just cut my thumb off. No sweat there’s got be some queer looking a some beer and I’ve got just the job for him. Go get 2 leaves laced with yeast and roll them cocaine straw tight put one in your bum and the other in a stranger’s rear. Wait 6 minute and extract them both careful not to knock the butt slugs off. Place directly on open wound and pray it don’t get infected.

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Don’t molest your friend’s dog with the white fur when in a track suit unless you’ve got plenty baby wipes and bottle caps to go around!

#outty #bellybutton #discharge # disk

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The mind goes absent when the sky goes black. -Kenny "Ball Tickler" Hudson Lead Sensual Wiener Tugger CEN-TEX GRAND SUPREME WHITE PRIDE FOR OUR RIDE LAWNMOWER CLUB

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The Nuclear War Fun Book

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Inside Mr. America by Basil Wolverton, 1957