turnanotherpageforanewending - Tumblr blog

[turnanotherpageforanewending]

I made a drawing today

[turnanotherpageforanewending]

v.1.0.0 | Malleability of Mind

My mortal mind kept swimming as my arms are gripping the knife tighter. Even the most meaningful memories are malleable and there is no reason to revisit them if they cause a person pain. However, as I am sitting in a pool of blood, I couldn't help but recall the first menacing memory I have of being a child, which might have been altered a lot by my mother's retelling of the story a million times

Simmer feels different when you're a child and it definitely feels a lot different when you're a two year old chilling on your small stroller. I remember my mother mentioning how I was eating my food like a good child and she tries to joke around by asking me "Who is your favourite, Mumma or dadda?" and I gleefully reply, "dadda".

After a bunch of these my mother flips and says "go to your dadda then" and the furious two year me, stroller down on my stroller in the fastest speed I could have achieved and taste the first air of rebellion, first taste of standing for what I believe and willing to put on a fight for it, first taste of what it is like to have opinions and what it feels like to defend then. Like most things in my life from that point onwards, this eupohria didn't last. I tripped down stairs and split my chin open. There was blood everywhere and my mom rushed me to the hospital and I got a bunch of stiches.

I think of this memory now and wonder how even the first thread of my relationship with my parents is so adversarial. It penalizes defending your word and it penalizes honesty. As the blood was dripping down the knife I realised I couldn't do anything else right now. I grab the pillow next to me and voilentely pull out the pillow cover. I hold her pillow cover on my left hand where I made several incisions from this knife and call an ambulance and desperately yell how I need immediate help. I then reach my contacts to make one more call. He picks up the call and I say

"I neee to run. I need to run and cut them away. I cannot place this game of cat and mouse with my parents every time they disagree with something I did or even think. I am tired and I am hurt and I want to stop hurting myself because they couldn't pull themselves together.

I cannot stay here, communicating with them is killing me mentally and I am choosing being alive over this--i am okay btw--"

"what happened suddenly? Did something happen? Should I come over?" He asks

"Nothing happened, I am telling you about my decision. I know it's going to be hard. It's gonna be the hardest thing ever. I am not even sure I'll make it out alive, but I am tired of submitting to their wishes and now is the time I believe--"

"--Why are there ambulance sounds in your background Meg" he interrupts me

"That is because I called one" I say in my most nonchalant voice possible hoping that he doesn't question me about it.

"What do you mean!" He is now scared ""

"okay, don't panic, but I cut myself. I'm kind of bleeding a lot and th--"

"oh my fucking---" he screams "are you--fuck--ou--no--im coming--fucking hell" screaming continues

"I am leaving now and coming there, just--" he stops before saying anything and then starts "I am a dumbfuck, no, go in the ambulance tell me which hospital I should come at"

"I'll WhatsApp you the location, I'm okay though? None of them were deep to cause actual damage, I might need tentuns though"

"You have to be kidding me right now!" He says, I can hear him fuming. He takes two deep breaths and says "send me the location, I will see you there. We will talk about this if you want to, or we will sit in silence as long as you want, I just wanna come there to give you some comfort" he takes another deep break and passes me a "right?"

[turnanotherpageforanewending]

Hello,

I cannot stop humming to stuck on the puzzle by Alex Turner. I'm suddenly swimming in and out of reality as I am flowing through the music. The music is refreshing on so many levels it's criminal.

There was a strange sense of conclusion to the day today, there were so many unresolved conflicts that just seems to come together and resolve themselves magically today.

I've been in a difficult situation of limbo where I had to make an impossible decision, and, as it is gone, I feel like a lot of life has come back to me. I can sense that things are changing and I can sense my emotions are recovering.

I suddenly have a lot of mental energy now and I have so many pending things that I can divert my focus towards

Bonne nuit, Meghana

[turnanotherpageforanewending]

Hey there people of the internet,

It's been quite sometime since I just posted my thoughts on the internet without obsessively proofing them and knowing who my expected audience is going to be, of course it's going to be two of my friends and no one else.

Strange how my obsession with the internet and just the wonder about all the things on it started off with Tumblr, it felt like such a vibrant place back around six to seven years ago, now, even the app store name of Tumblr is

I am not going to talk about "back in the good ole days" stories, because honestly, there was nothing cringier than featus Tumblr. I am just going to talk about this concept of anonymous microblogging.

Tumblr and twitter were the perfect places on the internet which represents how the ideal people in my world would look like. They would write down their thoughts, they were immensely passionate about certain things and just wanted an outlet to talk about it.

My disappointment on twitter is quite obvious, it's lost its rawness to people trying to use it as a professional platform.

Then there is Tumblr, which just faced the sad reality of existing, it's users, like me, grew up. Tumblr was as close to a Neverland as it gets. It's a place where you can leave your tennage self and hope that it'll never grow up. Like Wendy, we all have our own wars to look forward to, we have to grow up.

Lately however, with excessive time and this emptiness inside of me, I've decided to go back to microblogging again. I want to just vomit out my words so my mind isn't constantly occupied.

Let's see how that goes¯\_(ツ)_/¯