tyraldark-blog

[tyraldark-blog]

Last night in my dream they kissed me on the cheek, and a warmth spread through me that i forgot even existed, and now ive been on the brink of mental collapse because i genuinely cant remember feeling happy for years

[tyraldark-blog]

Love is fickle and cruel

Ive been in love with the same person for several years now. They never talked to me much, but we’ve known eachother through classes and similar friends for even longer. Im not sure when I figured out it was love, but it was a long time ago. I havent seen them in a long time, but they are a mutual on tumblr and facebook so I see them often. Sometimes I don’t think about them too often. Other times they are the sole focus of my dreams. They’re an aromantic pansexual. Im a panromantic asexual. Just in general terms it fights itself. They’ve always been on this pedestal where everything they do is perfect to me. Every picture is the definition of beautiful. And even the girl i dated for over a year and is still a running factor in my life cant compare. I love them so much. And its just a love from a distance. I dont even know where they live now. I just know its far away. But its never really been close. I wish I could stop loving them with every ounce of who I am. That person who hardly even talked to me. That person who hung out with me once. That beautiful perfect person. Love is the most wonderful and terrible thing i’ve ever been forced to handle. And I simultaneously wish it would leave, and that it would never go away.

[tyraldark-blog]

Since I put that fanfic up to practice my writing styles and get some feedback I got a surprising amount of people asking for more. A surprising number being any people at all. I've been wanting to keep working on it and coming up with more stuff, but my workload increased so suddenly i've been having a hard time getting any work done on it. Now im just scrawling in my notebook and just getting it done and having so much fun with building personalities and relationships. Even if i get some sort of loyal following of two or three people I'll love every second of what I put out for them to read. I was never super great at drawing but writing and storytelling have always been a favorite of mine. Especially as an actor. I'm having so much fun suddenly.

[tyraldark-blog]

I don't really get up in the morning

I think one of my biggest issues is my inability to wake up. I mean actually wake up, as opposed to getting out of bed and moving. Even zombies can do that, but it doesn't make them sentient. If i'm awake before 10 i'm practically at half power, and it takes about 30-40 minutes for me to get going. If I wake up before 9, I become functionally useless. It doesn't matter when I went to sleep or what I eat, or anything, I am at 30% and I charge at about 2% every 5 minutes. It's an issue. The past couple mornings, due to my inate, genetic ability to hit low points that go for days or weeks, I have no will to wake up. Not just get up, but wake up. My dreams end and a sour air fills my lungs. I spit and cough and I close my eyes and demand re-entry to those dreams that were nothing like real life. I usually start moving around noon, or, thanks to fly season, when they start congregating on my head. The past few days have also been host to a negative air of uselessness. A feeling of despair that clouds my ability to act or think. Every driving thought or motion comes to a pointless end, and every responsibility is met with disdain and resignation. Maybe I'm depressed. I Don't know.

[tyraldark-blog]

I went and got a check up

I was asking about aches and pains, seeing if there was anything really serious about my weird little frets and bothers, and I also requested a blood test for my cholesterol levels. Heart disease runs rampant in my fathers side, taking almost all the men in the family by age 50. Being 20, and knowing that really the symptoms never even show up till just about 50, I wasn't really that worried. Sure enough, they call me with the results and say that everything's fine, except that my triglycerides are a little high. Well, I looked into what that meant exactly and triglycerides I guess are essentially just the main form of fat, it keeps your body warm, and all the excess is stored. The fat on your tummy for example, is triglycerides. Well high triglycerides basically is just a high chance of heart disease coming on faster. I was kinda shocked to hear that because I know I didn't have the best diet up until I graduated high school, but who does? It didn't take long into my college years for me to drop most bad foods altogether. All in all I think I eat fairly healthy for a college age adult. I'm a bit sedentary, but I didn't think too much of it. Guess I should start thinking more of it.

[tyraldark-blog]

I don't really have friends

I have a few, mostly I live with anyone I talk to, or used to live with anyways. I’ve mostly just been losing people to even talk to, and i’m not really finding replacements. I have coworkers, and I try to talk to them, but honestly I don’t entirely grasp the concept of social boundaries. I talk about literally anything that comes to mind, and there isn’t a single odd thing to me about texting someone all day long just talking about literally anything at all. Wake up and text people, and text them right up to falling asleep. Then repeat that day after day. Like, I guess that could be called being clingy? But to me its really just normal, if I enjoy talking to you why would I not talk to you. I time myself these days, between texts, or chats, or messages. Even when I bring something up to them in person. Because as far as I understand I’m basically pretty damned annoying. The only break people get is when I forget to respond. Otherwise I just talk. Ill text someone every day, because when I stop and think when I last talked to them, if it was before I went to sleep the night before, to me its felt like I haven’t talked to them in weeks. I think in a very current format, where if it didn’t happen within the hour, its years in the past, or days in the future. I live in this warped little time bubble, where I perceive everything in my own reference. Anyways I’m hoping to go to a head doc soon and see if there’s drugs i can take to make me live and think like a real person.

[tyraldark-blog]

My favorite night is a night when I have a cup of tea

I hated tea before, never liked any kind. Never even liked the idea of it, as if I was offended by it. Now it's as if I can't get enough of it. Sit down with a cup of black chai with a hearty amount of honey, yes please. I think my fear of tea was less to do with personal taste, and more to do with the fact that I hated new things. I had the same foods, and drinks, that i'd always had. I would never steer away from those things. I wouldn't even try things I never had, I immediately decided I hated them because they weren't already on my list of things I knew I liked. That's normal though right? I mean, I didn't stop doing that till I got out of high school, but hey at least I outgrew it eventually right? I suppose it could be partially due to my entire world view changing, whether it be because I saw new communities of people and different ways of life, and realized that there is no one way to live, or hey maybe just becoming a startlingly poor college kid made me realize I should never turn my nose up at anything I'm offered. We're still doing tests but science assures me that we'll have an answer soon.

[tyraldark-blog]

So here I am Ihop, drunk off my ass, and i have never been so excited for breakfast. Now thats odd, but i hate breakfast food, at all times. I eat dinner leftovers for breakfast! Im serious, i hate breakfast food. Cant stand it. Especially bacon. I haaaate bacon its so gross. Eggs were fed to me for a year straight every morning so i got sick of those too. Idk. But drunk i am just hella excited you dont understand. Satan take me, my body is ready

[tyraldark-blog]

I bought a license for a drawing program today

When I input the password they had sent me, it apparently didn't follow the rules for their passwords. That is to say I bought a password that could never be one of their passwords. I sent them an email with the error and my issue. I've yet to get a reply but it wasn't long ago. Currently I am on Adderall as I intended to stay up drawing and writing. I can't draw very well with my program held just out of reach, and while writing is going well, I decided that I would venture to my ranting space and hit some points home. The topic I chose is illegal downloading, simply because I chose to spend the money on a code as opposed to simply finding one online for free. Personally I don't really download things I'm supposed to pay money for. I used to a long time ago when Limewire was still a thing that existed, and even then I mostly used it to find obscure anime opening songs. I rent and buy movies and games, and some people often ask why I don't just download them. Well personally I believe in capitalism and the idea of products being improved so we want to buy them more. The more people who actually spend the money on a product, the more that product gets looked at and worked on. It's what drives a company or an individual to work harder, for themselves and for their clients or customers. Some systems are broken, and sometimes that money doesn't go where you want it to go, but every economic practice has holes like that. The idea is that most of the time, it does work, and when it does work, its like we ourselves contributed to that service or product. Anyways, im hungry.

[tyraldark-blog]

Why do people even give a fuck

Pretty much anytime I see someone putting someone down, or berating someone for what they've done, I just get confused more than anything. Not necessarily because I don't know why some people are the way they are, or because the way they think doesn't match what I think should be the way everyone thinks. I get confused because why the holy hell do you give a damn? Most of the time I see these kinds of things, the people don't even know each other, it's just some horrid person taking a step out of their way to run across the street and hit someone they've never seen. That's not actually what happens of course but in my head that's pretty much what happens. Folks get upset and offended when their brother's neighbor's aunt's third nephew think's he might be gay. Like that just drives a damned railroad spike into their lives, and they are suddenly terribly affected by this kid who's figuring himself out. Some kid they didn't even fucking know existed? Like why the pants shitting christ do you fucking CARE? Sure the case still exists for that kid's immediate family, but even if HIS WHOLE FAMILY supports him, you take issue with it? Who gives a damn? Go fuck yourself you nosy shitbrain.

[tyraldark-blog]

This is a thing I'm tossing out

This blog is for me to rant. To rave and scream and yell and banter to myself. The subjects are chosen at my leisure, or because life hucks them at me.